Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Matt Rife | Dating, Dickmorphia, & Dealing with Haters (REPEAT)

Episode Date: April 16, 2024

#728. REPEAT OUR GREATEST HIT EPISODES: The one and only Matt Rife is on the podcast today! Kaitlyn just experienced his standup in person and is ready to roast him and get roasted back. KB & Matt are getting into it all: ugly child trauma, taking the low road, starting an OnlyFans, and his feelings about butt stuff. And even though there’s plenty of shooting the shit, they also get real about social media and mental health, Matt’s decision to self-produce his standup specials, and why he’s wildly shocked at his success after performing from age 15. He also reveals what his type is, both physically and personality-wise, for all the women (and men) out there trying to get in his pants and up his butthole, which is pretty much everyone on the planet, it seems. Get your ear holes ready, and your eyeballs too. If you’re LOVING this podcast, please follow and leave a rating and review below! PLUS, FOLLOW OUR PODCAST INSTAGRAM HERE! EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS: (5:25) Matt and Kaitlyn talk about his live comedy tour and the funny bit he did about bowling. (15:55) - Explore the challenges of live entertainment comedy shows and engaging with the audience. (27:48) Delve into the phenomenon of "Dick-morphia" as Matt offers his witty insights. (51:44) Matt surprises listeners with a unique confession about fingernails. (59:25) Discover Matt Rife's celebrity crush and an amusing encounter with her mom Thank you to our Sponsors! Check out these deals! Covergirl: Say hello to your real life makeup filter in a bottle, See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Conix Ontario at 1866-531-2600 to speak to a advisor free of charge but mGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with i gaming ontario okay don't hit skip before we start today's podcast i'm really excited this is a personal exciting thing for me i wanted to quickly let you guys know about my upcoming off the vine tour called poor decisions p o you are doy wine will be drank i'm back on the road for the first leg of our tour i'm coming through the good old midwest for the second half i'll be headed to the southeast so i'm going Columbus, Cleveland, Ohio, Atlanta, Madison, Des Moines, Kansas City, Columbia,

Missouri, Tampa, Orlando, Nashville. I'm coming to all you beautiful people. These podcast tours are always a highlight of my year because there's just no other way to put it than it's just pretty damn fun. I get to hang out with you in person. It's just the energy is electric. It's just insane. Like leaving those live podcasts, I'm like, whoa, that felt like an empowerment session. I feel elevated. The vibrations. Don't get me started on how. how high those are. So check out my website, Caitlinbristow.com,

to buy tickets for those who join me, I can guarantee a little dancing, a lot of laughing, wine, lots of wine. Even if you're pregnant. I've had pregnant, sober people come to my show and say it was still fun. They bring their boyfriends,

their husbands, and I even see them smiling at the end of it. So let's toast to that. I'll see you on tour. Cheers to you. To Matthew Stephen Rive. That's your new? Yeah, full government name.

Yeah, that's your full government name. You're going to read by Social Security number too. I'm Caitlin Don Bristow and welcome to Off the Vine podcast. Do you like that? I do like that. That's my aunt's name. Oh, I thought you were going to say uncle and I was going on. I know.

My uncle Don, no, my aunt Dawn. Well, I had an uncle Don. And then when I was growing up, I used to hate my middle name because did you ever watch Full House? Yeah. Yeah, okay. You're like, no, I'm more of a fuller house. God because you're a baby. I can't watch Fuller House.

I cannot get myself to watch it. Why? It's just not the same. I get it. I've almost to reboot everything. It's not necessary. I get it. But when I watched Stephanie,

who we both follow on Instagram, Stephanie Tanner. She came on my podcast too, and I remember her making fun of the name Dawn. And it scarred me because she wanted to change her name to Dawn. And I was like, yeah, Steph Tanner. And yeah, Dawn's a cool name. And then all her friends and family.

said, oh, you don't want to be called Don. Then people could call you Donald Duck and go Don-da-da-da-da-da-don-da-da-don-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. And I was like, I hate my middle name. What a mean family. Right? Oh, my God. I couldn't believe it. They totally were just name-shaming Dawn.

And, like, I was like, you're supposed to be this loving family. I mean, you don't, preferably you don't want to be named after like dish detergent. Well, oh, Don. Yeah. Why did that take so long to land with me there? I was like, what's you talking about. Dish so. Oh, dish so.

Some of us still do our own dishes. Oh, come on. You have more followers than me. You have an assistant. You don't. And whoever that is. This is what we need to talk about. Glenda fucking clit over here, ladies and gentlemen.

She's been my podcast producer for a few years. And she just casually showed up in this outfit. And I was like... Very casual. And she was like, yeah, cheers. And I was like, so we're not going to acknowledge this. Like, what's going on? And she was like, oh, yeah, like, this is what I was wearing, whatever.

And then it was a whole thing, which you can go out of character. for a second and be Alicia and tell us the story. Okay, out of character? Yeah, just take the, yep, yeah. Just take the glass of the day and all. Still very much yourself. Yes. Just trying naked.

Because I don't know if I even know the story of what it actually is. Where did? I was a maid of honor and we did a beer Olympics. Each of us were like a country. And I was Italy and so I showed up in this with a mustache. And do you know what I would have, how I would have dressed up as a country? I would have just been a tree with a bunch of naked ladies. Which country would you have been?

Cunt tree. Wow. Just a bunch of vaginas in a tree. Wow. Are you taking citizenship applications? I would love to live there. It's pretty good, right? Worst Keebler else development of all time.

Oh my God, a cunt tree. That was good, right? I like it, actually. I didn't even plan that one. How did you not have that as merch yet? We should have that as merch. You like the little air fresheners to hang? It's like a little tree.

Wow. Are you expecting 10%? Because this is good. 15. Oh, wow. Absolutely. The guy gets 10 million followers on TikTok and all of a sudden he thinks he gets 15%. I know.

We're going to pair you up with Gwyneth Paltrow's Vagina Candle Company. We're going to come up with a scent. It actually smells really good. That's good, though. I should do merch around country. You really should. That's going to be a thing now. All vagina-related merch.

It's going to sell. Speaking of vaginas. Girls love you. The ladies. It is love. She's trying not to laugh because she's in Glenda mode. Where the mustache used to be? Yeah.

It's not all glories, is it? Uh-huh. I don't have it. Oh, my gosh. Okay, so much happened at your show last night. Oh, my God. It was the most entertaining thing we've ever experienced. We were laughing at so many different things.

Like, the 32nd lady, which turned into the whole, like, bit was, but she really turned it into a bit, like, for you. I mean, by force. Yeah, she kind of forced herself on the show. How did that start? Because I don't remember. She was saying something about, you were doing some bowling ball thing about fingering. We were talking about fingering, yeah, and how the next day it hurts your forearms, yeah.

You're realizing it is until you wake up the next day. It feels like he went bowling for eight hours the night before. And she chimed in. She chimed in. She chimed in it was like, it doesn't take that long. Every woman in this room can come in 30 seconds. And this just became a thing because that's just not true. And if it is, you're the problem, okay?

That's in 30 seconds I laughed out loud Well I laughed out loud a few times But when you said What are you? Domino's pizza Like we'll have it to you in 30 minutes or last What's the time restraints for? Like it's not vine

Like you can do Oh the old The old vine app Yeah you can do You have to take your time Are you scared of TikTok going away? I mean your Instagram's crushing no matter what But no the followers are starting

To kind of convert to other platforms now Oh, look, this is going to sound ridiculous, but I wish, no, no, no, no, I think the opposite, actually. I might take a dollar out. Great. Oh, okay. I wish all social media would disappear. Really? I really, I really wish it would.

I think it's absolutely horrible. You wish all social media would go away? Yeah, I think it does. For strictly mental health purposes or? Yeah, I think it was. I mean, that's a broader landscape of it, but yeah, I think social media does way more bad than it does good. I think it makes people worse. I think people miss out on human interactions.

Yes. Everything in person is just better. I mean, this podcast almost happened on Zoom. And I'm glad it didn't, actually. I'm really glad it didn't. I'm really glad it didn't. And I had the shittiest setup. I was at an Airbnb.

You had shitty Wi-Fi. Interesting. Okay, so you wish all social media would disappear. Do you think? Yeah, it's just stressful. It is stressful. I definitely agree with you. It's stressful.

I love it, though, because I was thinking about this even for you. You can do this comedy special. or even just a TikTok and reach millions of people, which would never, that's like how many stadiums, like NFL stadiums of people that you get to reach and make people laugh. Yeah. You're pissing a lot of people off

because that's what we do if we have a platform. We piss people off and we make people happy. There's always going to be that duality of it. But I'm, so you didn't, you wouldn't care if the numbers went away as long as you could keep doing what you love to do. If the sacrifice for millions of viewers to be able to see a good,

thing I can put out if the sacrifice for that is making sure an entire generation of people know that it's not okay to talk to people a certain way because they're hidden behind a computer screen yeah I would absolutely trade that like social media has turned people into such they are they really are and I love that word it's little bitches they they really are but what but so do you get a lot of trolls oh my god yeah do you really if you think women love me trolls love me way more oh my god yes what's like the worst thing anyone's ever said to you um it's never like one direct thing and ultimately like i is it everyone just trying to cancel you because you have oh my god yeah people try to cancel me every day i've got canceled three times last week it's like

which i mean thankfully we're we're now like that pendulum is swinging back like people are tired of people getting canceled i agree unless you've done a horrific thing right you're not you're not actually canceled. Canceled means nothing. What am I a Netflix subscription? Like you can't, you can't physically. It's another thing about social media I hate. Like the slang behind it drives me fucking insane. Everything is the most dramatic version of everything. Oh, he got dragged on

the internet. Oh, did I? Did someone come to my house, grab me by the hair, and drag me down the pavement of Twitter? It is very dramatic. Because people think they're powerful behind the computer. Yeah. So you use overly dramatic words like that to make them feel like they have an impact on something they're doing when they're just losers. They really

are losers. That's why I actually have gotten to a place that I talk about this on my podcast a lot where I'm most of the time love it. I think it's so funny. Like, because they're such losers, because they're so ridiculous, the things people say to me, I actually like, like, my system was like, why don't you just block that girl? I was like, you're kidding me? This is hilarious. She always says to me, like, you're disgusting. I don't know if you caught any of that in the beginning of the show last night where I talk about. Like, it's so funny how people can hate you for something in matter what you did yeah the things they will say about you in return are way worse than what you did to upset them in the first place it's insane i don't know if you like to repeat material

but could you please explain or give us a story because the one you said last night was really funny i don't know if you remember um there's kind of two stories that combine one of them is just like the first time i ever got suspended from instagram the other one was arguing with people on twitter over like an airplane experience right the backpack yeah i was complaining about like this airline almost made me check my backpack when it really like wasn't a problem or anything and I didn't fully care and out you know what I mean I wasn't like this is an outrage I just went on Twitter and was like this is a stupid rule you know right and anybody who flies relatively often knows how inconsistent the rules are and they're different at every flight yeah kind of stuff yeah

then I complained about this bag and people were like so angry at me for just complaining about my bag like people were giving me death threats like literally being like I hope there's a plane crash because you're so ungrateful for being in first class and not wanted to check your bag and all this kind of shit. You're like, wait, if people have an opinion, we go to Twitter. Yeah. That's what you're doing. That's what it's for.

It's what y'all live for. It's this kind of drama. Do you find the meanest people on Twitter or TikTok or YouTube or where? No, Twitter's the worst. Yeah, that's what I think, too. Twitter should be, Twitter has to go first. Yeah. If any of the social media is going to disappear, Twitter's a f***ing cesspool.

Because, like, I feel like more strangers find your shit on Twitter. It's the most sensitive. It's the most dramatic. Instagram and TikTok is more based on your content. That's true. But Twitter's just words. So, Fri-Kill, Twitter, Instagram, TikTok. Killing Twitter.

Because I don't love Instagram either. As a business, I don't like them. Right. Yeah, it's weird. I think I have to marry Instagram, though, just for the sustainability. It's where most of my business gets done. That's fair. And I'd f-tick-tok just because for some reason, my For-U page insists on there being unlimited bad bitches on the internet.

I don't understand. I don't follow any of these girls. And my entire four you paid is just hot girl after hot girl. Really? It's unlimited. I'm got to tell you, it's hurting y'all stock as a bad as a people. Oh, I hate that. There's a lot of naturally beautiful people in the entire world.

That's just what it is. This just gives you access to all of them. It's so insane. Like, it's got to be. I'm not in a relationship right now. But I imagine it's got to be tremendously harder to risk that kind of temptation because you realize, yes, I'm with a person that I love. I care about and they're beautiful.

And I'm attracted to them, obviously. Right. But then you're like, oh, my God, I had no idea of this person existed. Yeah, but what in about... There's 300,000 other super hot people. I had no idea existed. It's true. It's like, it's so hard.

It makes everybody seem so... It makes everything just seem so much more vast. It's crazy. That's another good point as to, like, getting rid of all social media. I feel like it's so, like, attainable to go get all these... Oh, yeah. Especially in your position. I saw the girls there last night.

Like, everyone thinks they're going to fuck you. Everyone that's... It was like the running, I cannot with this. That's the cutest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. Oh my God. See, this is all I want my 4U page to be. This is, I don't know what's going. I don't know what's going on with your for you page.

This is mine. Does it scare you when you go out there like, somebody's going to fuck this up for me? Or are you like, I can deal with it? It's more just like annoying, you know? I bet. Because it's, people forget it's still a live performance show. And like, yes, I have the option to make it interactive if I want to. But like, other than that, in what other performance-based art or show would you just yell out something?

Right. And you wouldn't go to Hamilton in the middle of your favorite music number go, yes! Yes! People would be like, shut the fuck. That's okay. That's an insane thing to do. To your same point, would you like that to say? sit there for an hour and have people just like laugh and silently clap or would that be weird

for a comedy show it's you know what this is where it becomes a little bit tricky because both are fun yeah yeah different it depends on what you want like i'm i'm in the process of building my new hour for my next special so yeah i'm working on material i'm doing a lot of new stuff that like i have to do this properly the way i thought it out to do it yeah with no interruptions yeah to see if it works and how it's going to work and how it can manipulate it and change it for the next show yeah so that keeps getting interrupted by stuff i'm never going to know how to properly analyze that joke now sometimes sometimes i want chaos sometimes you do a show and you're like let's just have a good time with some good crazy energy to talk to some funny people but the problem is that

gets out of control you talk to one person and then everybody else goes oh he's talking to people now my turn my turn my turn my totally and then they start shouting out shit where you're like i know what you're doing and you're trying to get on my ticot real because it's so respectful what you do as a stand-up comedian and it's so brilliant, but people obviously are there to see you do your crowd work because it goes so viral on TikTok. Do you feel like that takes away from your like what you love to do and your talent of doing the actual stand-up? A little bit, but like you can't, you can't blame them entirely because it's like if that's what they're used to seeing, that's what they expect, you know? So it's like, there's so many people coming to my shows that

have never been to comedy shows before. Yeah. So they don't know that you're supposed to come, just sit, laugh and listen, you know? They just come and they think it's a conversation. the entire time. Oh, my gosh. And so it's like, I don't mind waning them into like, people start to yell out stuff or whatever. The first sign is like, I ignore you.

I go, if I'm, if you know I heard you, if you yell something out, you know I heard you, I don't acknowledge you. It's like, that should be your sign. They're like, oh, he's not trying to talk to me right now. People don't take social cues very well. Not at all. It's insanity.

It really is. So, like, I don't mind it. But the thing is, like, kind of like you mentioned, you're not going to force me. Yeah. You're not going to do it just because you think you're going to end up on my TikTok or whatever or make the show about

you. It's not how it's going to work. If I want to talk to you, I'll talk to you. Yeah. You would think. But yeah, some people, it's super obvious that you're like, oh, yeah, you're just, you're just trying to get like 30 seconds of fame right now. You know what I thought was brilliant? I said, there should be, if I was to ever do stand-up, I would hire people and plant them in my crowd

and then I would, like, have everything set up where I just look like this, like, quick-witted genius. That's one of the troll's favorite things to say on my videos on TikTok. They go, oh, that's a planted person. that's a fake person. I'm like, do you have any idea the coordination it would take?

Because we also, it's also almost every show it happens. Like imagine, you think I have that many friends who can stay on script? Yeah, I thought it out because I was like,

that would actually be impossible and you can't, I saw it firsthand. You're not doing that, obviously. But I was like, that would be just way more work and you'd have to hire people

and pay them and yeah. And you can't even afford an assistant. That's what I'm saying. It's brutal out here. I don't have that kind of mob, mentality. I don't have this whole crew that can just support all my fake crowd work videos.

I can't imagine. That's one of people's favorite things to come. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. Yeah. It's so funny to me. Last night I thought, oh, that would be, that that's what I would do. I just don't think I'm that good of an actor to be able to stay on the entire time and be that fast. Like, it just comes naturally sometimes, or sometimes it doesn't.

Did you, I know you said last night something about your ex watching the show. Did you watch my season? I did not. Okay, so Amy Schumer was one of my dates and we did stand up and I was so good, do you sure? No, I was good.

I think it's fine. Yeah, if I could get there, we'll see. You're the judge. Okay. But I, she taught me so much because she goes, well, she taught me two things and they were really genius because she said, you go up there

and these guys already have you on a pedestal like what you're already winning but she said if anything doesn't land because it was front of a full crowd too just tell tell everybody i told you to say that and i was like okay amazing and then so two people it it was against me and another girl to be the bachelorette and the guys had to decide obviously they chose me do you sure um was that dollar you think so dollar yeah i didn't have to say obviously so then she was like or just make fun of britt and that was the other girl thank you did you roast the other girl yeah so i would just like if nothing landed thank you you're welcome i would just roast her or blame amy i feel like the roasting thing is funny but it has to come

naturally oh of course you you you can't force it well thank you like i mean as you saw last night not all of it's funny sometimes you don't get something it's it's it's like any kind of well thank you i'm not just saying that but you don't you're not going to have good banter with everybody you know what i mean like how you talk to a you're on a podcast you talk to some boring people from time the time it happens we don't have to say names at all but you're just not always going to have that banter with people you know and every audience is so different when you did your stand up for the show what what was the audience was it the studio audience was it the other contestants like what what was the audience you were performing for it was the guys that I was dating okay how many how many

were there at that point there I think 10 okay and then there was table of comedians as well then all the producers and then whoever they brought in I don't know that's not ideal I want you to know that right now that's not that would that would be hard for even me you're so sweet but your audience plays oh my god i know i'm gonna steal him i know he's an angel um yeah your audience is it changes every single time which makes the show so unique every single time did you just like come out of the womb making jokes or was this something that you developed from being an ugly child definitely trauma yeah for sure you definitely learn how to defend yourself in jokes or you know or you get bullied or something like that you're like well rather than

everybody see it hurts me how about we just make a joke about it now i'm on their side as well you know and now the joke's on them exactly not only am i hot i'm also funny and selling out wherever you're selling out everywhere but i was asking people questions on instagram like what we should ask you and they were like ask them about being an ugly kid and i was like oh is that a thing that's why i said that i was you really really hit me so late like literally like 23 i would say it was like around the time i started to like get a jaw line and like my cheeks and shit like that and it happened so drastically that's a troll that's other favorite thing

people are like oh do you get the oh my god he's a massive plastic surgery I'm like do if look it also feels that way to me I also I know I didn't look like this 10 years ago it's weird to me too I've had absolutely nothing you done except for my teeth I got my teeth done which is the best decision I

want to do my teeth too do not touch your teeth you have great teeth this is what the internet does it may see I think it's funny but really it's just absolutely no I needed it I had ohio teeth like ohio teeth um if you ever see a google ohio teeth just like picture like a uh a fence with a bunch of missing boards i don't know that's oh hi i had a giant space i had a giant gap in the middle all my teeth were much smaller i had gaps between a bunch of different ones like i was born

with meth mouth i think i saw a photo of you from like back in the day probably and now that you say the gap but i love a gap in a too in yeah i love it you see girls will say that because they because it's like oh he has a flaw oh my god oh he's not Perfect. He has like a little flaw. Imperfections are so sexy. Oh, my God. You know who says that? Perfect, people. I wish I had something wrong with me. That's so cute how you have like a little like, what do you like, like ill? Oh my God, that's so cute. A little terminal illness. You're so cute.

But that's, I've gotten plenty of Botox to fix my flaws, but I have, I have character flaws, but like I am a 10, but I have character. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. Ah, shit. That might even call for a fiber. Shit. Damn, on cue. I'm really sedition it up over here. Okay, I got to watch myself because I can't afford. I got to pay my assistant. I can't afford it anymore.

You owe her some money. Yeah. Are you a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to like your stand-up and, or are you kind of like? I think with everything. Stand-up. Yeah, my looks as well. You are? Dick Morpia, all that good stuff.

Morphia. Yeah. Oh, like body dysmorphia. Oh, of course. You think you have a small wean? I don't think it's small.

I think it's totally fine. But do you joke about it being small? I mean, well, yeah. I would definitely would rather underplay it than be like, oh, I've got a big dick. And then people are like, you think, man, that's so cute.

That's adorable. But I genuinely don't believe. You have to set the bar low. Oh, of course. But also, like, I watch porn. So, like, I know how big dicks get. And I'm like, well, bless up. I bet they're not funny.

You know? They're not, like, charming and a good person, you know. That's what I always say about being part of the itty-bitty-titty committee. I'm like, yeah, but I don't need big boobs. I've got a personality. I've got an assistant. Oh my God, I'm being really douchey today. I think it's like the douchey.

No, that one's okay. I'll let that start. I alley-ooped you for that one. Thank you. Thank you. What is happening over there? Oh, I thought I heard a sound. I thought you were like Googling my dick picks.

I was like, one of what? Oh. I don't want that camera to go off. So you. built a personality and humor do you like i grew up in a really small town in alberta and canada oh my god like this small town and i always said that's where i got my like like i was always trying to abuse my imagination or like do crazy things or like perform for my family like i'd sing oh canada before dinner to like to like perform and i always wanted to like have this stage and it was

like this i was like give me out of this small town was that how you were but i think the dream was there yes but like it wasn't like a realistic thing really my town is also very very small like one stoplight i think my graduating class was like 50 people maybe okay mine was 300 oh my god yeah okay so yeah cut it cut it in fifths uh very very small there was just really no like there was there was no outlet for us like it was just school friends and family with the only people like really like perform for we didn't think of it is that you were just right i guess these people think i'm funny so like i can be goofy because they all think i'm funny so i have the confidence now, I guess. And then I just kind of started stand up when I was like 15. And then I

realized like, oh, it's like a business kind of. Right. And it was just a hobby for a while and kind of one thing led to another. And I was like, I think this is what I wanted to do. And nobody of my family's ever been to college. So like there was no pressure. Like nobody leaves my hometown. Everyone, you know, everyone lives the same life. They get pregnant. Yeah. Then they graduate high school. And then they get a job working in town. Yeah. That's pretty much it. I always want to know for you now how do I say this you know you're good looking

I really don't think so stop I believe and I'm aware the other people think so yeah but I think I'm fine okay so how are you fine but like fine like on a like scale of one to ten you think you're like a hard six

soft seven well if I was soft seven I wouldn't have Dixmorphia we'd all we'd all be very happy and confident at all times um let's see looks wise i would say i don't know probably like a 8.3 maybe great yeah i think it's like slightly above average maybe okay so because tens don't exist oh well if tens aren't existing then no i'm backing down to like 7.8 because to me tens don't exist a 9 is like megan fox she's on my vision board i think 10 i think austin butler's a 10

Harry Stiles is a 10 No Really Did that camera go out? Are we being haunted? Oh, you love ghosts Oh, I do Is your house haunted?

No I swear it is Wait, really? Yes, I heard people Walking upstairs What? Was it the dogs? Is the camera still going

Or what's happening? Am I bad luck? You bring ghosts with you That's what happens Don't even say that Don't even say that's like my biggest fear that they're following you yeah that'd be awful oh i would love it i love ghosts i wish like i hope one's following me you know what you're so vain i just love

the idea that like somebody's like watching me at all times i'm like i'm like performing for somebody at all times is it smoking why did you what is happening yeah what is you blow your vape on it what is that is that shut up yeah i don't know how you do a podcast is so it's so demanding yeah it's it is but i've got a good team but I love it. It's also in the comfort of your own home. You don't have to go somewhere for it. But I go to L.A. and New York all the time.

Yeah. You have studios there? Yeah. Okay. Well, that helps at least. Yeah. Because you can do it while you're on the road. That's my biggest problem.

Everyone wants me to do one and I'm like, I don't have the time. No, you couldn't. I'm in a different city every day. I don't know if you saw my mirror ball, but I wanted dancing with the stars. You what? Yeah, I did. And trying to do a podcast while dancing eight hours a day. How?

Was impossible. You won it? I won. What? Yeah. That's incredible. What year was it? Um, 2020.

Holy shit, recently. Yeah. Wow. Congratulations. Thank you. Like that mirror ball in my mirror has been there before I even went on the show. Are you serious? I'm going to, fucking, I am going to win the mirror ball.

And now looking back, I'm like, you, I know you don't believe in crystals, but. Nope. Sure don't. But do you believe in manifesting? Sometimes. Sometimes. Are you okay? don't worry

just ignore me okay well you're hard to ignore over there but what you're doing so not discreet wow

I didn't even see you there um wait so you don't believe in crystals but you do believe in manifesting I don't know I mean crystals

for sure not manifesting maybe but it's like what is manifesting is it the universe is it God is it's Is it your own energy?

Like, I don't, I don't know. Maybe. I guess we'll never know, but. I've definitely had some things happen that I'm like, I've, I've, I said this to myself a million times, even if it was just subconsciously or something, but something I wanted. Yeah. Not something I was like day to day, like, I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this.

And then it has, and it did happen? And I was like, fuck, did I talk about that so much that it did happen? I don't. Or is a coincidence? No, no, no. I don't believe in coincidences. I also, well, here's the thing. You also have to put in the work to be in a position for to make certain things happen.

I agree. So it's, I don't believe in like, like, I don't think you're lucky. I think you deserve and you've worked hard to get to where you've been. But I think you've actually envisioned your life a certain way and that's why you're here. You might not have envisioned the social media aspect of it, but having millions of people laugh at your humor, you have thought about that without even realizing it for your, since you were young. Well, let that be a lesson to you fellas out there. Don't feel bad about yourself. If you just envision eight inches, you will.

We'll get it. It will come to you. Just, I don't know, baby tie a brick to it and drop it off a second story. Balcon, whatever you got to do, put in the work, but manifest it, and it will come true, okay? I'm not. I don't know. I'm not kidding. I think you could grow a larger penis from manifesting.

There's no way. I do think there is a way. I think I, I'll never forget. Do you want me to give you a second? What do I need, do I, tiger eye, jade, what is it, quartz? what's what's the dick growth serum no you need all of those and then you need to to i'm not even gonna i'm not even gonna tell you i'm a psycho for this stuff and when you're making fun of it last night alicia just kept laughing up me i mean glinda um because i was like that's me shit but now

whether you manifested or not i think people also have to be aware of like of being careful what you wish for because like you might think you want something but take tv for example, you get on, you get on the bachelor, right? Not bachelorette. Both. I was on the bachelor and then I was the bachelor. Either one of them. You get on there and you're like, wow, this is a dream come true. And now you have a flood of hate coming in on Twitter and on this kind of stuff. There's so many downsides to the things you thought you wanted. Maybe when you get them, you go, I didn't know all this came with it. And maybe I didn't actually want this. I forget whose quote this is. This is not mine. I think it might be Joe Rogan. I don't know.

I even mentioned Joe Rogan And the camera was like Nah, we don't we don't We're toxic masculinity around here Wow, cancel the battery So we just let it roll She's definitely getting fired out of this Did you manifest this? Can you please manifest the battery

cooling down? She was manifesting like in a bad way Where she was like, please God, don't let that camera go up But you're putting it out into the universe Way too much and it turned off Can we just let her ride or Okay Let her rip So the quote was

It means a very general quote But like You've never had Somebody who hates on you Is never doing better than you Yeah Ever Only time I've ever found myself

Talking shit about somebody When I really thought about it I go I'm jealous of this person Yeah I know I am They're doing something I'd rather be doing And that's why I feel this way

Yeah And most so people Some of people Aren't aware of like That's why they don't like people It sucks you know But that also, that helped you tune it out. Once you realize that and remember that, like, these are people, a lot of the times that are so

miserable with their life that they see you living the life they could only dream of having. And then they take out that anger on you rather than being supportive of it to where it helps you share the love right back. Yeah. Jealousy is so stupid. It really is. I mean, it happens, obviously. And it sucks because, I mean, a lot of people just aren't happy in their own life.

So you instinctually just take that out on somebody else. It's not fair to either one of you. It's not going to help you get through what you're going through in the first place. Sending either one of us a mean tweet changes nothing for you in your life. Right.

That's the worst part about it to me. It maybe gives me a giggle. Yeah. Now I go, oh, this person's sad. I'm like, oh. And now you're trying to... And kind of like what I said in the bit last night. It's like, oh, you're saying mean things to me.

And now I have to say them back to you and I'm going to make you way sadder than you were in the first place. Yeah. I love a clap back. I moment, like in my DMs, I'll just... Sometimes I'll pick and choose, but sometimes when I get them back, it's, I'm like, yes. Like, it feels so good. It feels so good.

It's like, it's so immature and petty. Oh, I know. But that's okay. Isn't that something that's so annoying about, like, being professional as you're like, you shouldn't be saying these things back. People love to go, oh, you're a, you're a celebrity or you're famous, be the bigger person, take the high road. I don't, that.

Low road, this person. They deserve to get their feelings hurt just as much as I do. I agree. That's insane. I agree. I'm petty like that too. Oh, absolutely. And I'm not like, when they go high or when they go low, you go high. I'm like, no, no, no, I'll meet them where they are at. Absolutely. And I will go just as low, if not lower. Oh, yeah. And feel really good about it. Yeah. Like, if you think you're going to roast me, you have no idea what I'm going to do to you back. This is what I do. Oh, yeah. I'll hurt your feelings for sure. Did you know that, did you expect this kind of success, or is it like completely shocking to you?

Wildly shocking. Really? Incredibly. And, you know, it's been a roller coaster because I've been doing it for so long. I started at 15. I'm 27 now. And one thing that fucked me up that I wish people didn't tell me. I know they were saying a nice thing, but it did so much subconscious damage to me that I didn't even realize.

So when I was like 15, 16, 17, I was already like doing well. Yeah. And like, everyone kind of knew me as like this kid in the scene or whatever. Yeah. And everyone would always say the same thing. Like, oh, man, you're going to be so famous. Like, if you're not a millionaire by 25, like, you f*** up. And I was not a millionaire by 25.

So by 25 hit, I was like, did I fuck up? Like, did I miss the window for success that everybody thought I was going to have? Yeah. And that definitely, like, brings you down a little bit, become very self-conscious. You feel a little bit like a failure. Like, did I miss that opportunity? And then at a certain point, but that actually needed to happen. Yeah.

It brought me down to such a level of, like, fuck it. Yeah. We're like, no opportunities were coming in. It was completely on me to make something happen or not. And reluctantly, I did. I mean, you self-produced your comedy show, which is impressive. Yeah, thank you. Thank you.

Yeah, both of the first ones that we, both of them we did. Did you get in trouble for having OnlyFans name? No, so what's funny is I thought of the name Onlyfans for marketing purposes, obviously. It's genius. Thank you. Genius. But it was also for that because I made it for my. fans you know what i mean like so many of my fans can't make it out to see my shows yeah and i've been

working on this material for years i was tired of doing it i was like i don't want to just throw it away or stop doing it so i was like i made it specifically for my fans and it was also crowdfunded like i think we raised like 20 000 to do it which i didn't expect anything i was like let's just see if anybody wants to support it so it was made by them and for them so the title made sense yeah so it was on youtube for like oh god probably eight or nine months and i get an email from only fans And I just saw, like, their, like, official email. I thought for sure it was going to be, like, a cease and desist. You got to change your shit immediately.

But instead, they were like, hey, we love the special. We'd love to work with you in some capacity. Yeah. So now you're on only fan. I had one for, like, three months. And then I... Stop. Yeah, I can't do it.

It's so aggressive. What were you posting? Just, like, some shirtless stuff. Just like some gym pictures and stuff. And you just know girls were touching their turtle tails to it. I, it was said it last night and it stuck. She was being mean, okay? She was being mean

So I had to be meaner Okay Can you give context Elise You're gonna be canceled again I said it This was the same woman Who was being rude

About the 30 second Coming in 30 seconds She was saying that like guys Like me can't please a woman Or whatever So I had to clap back And I may have said some harsh things I loved it

I thought it was brilliant What was I saying? I don't know We were talking about Oh you're only fans Oh yeah it wasn't women it was all gay men really and i gotta say if at times i wish i had no pride or i didn't want any kind of like professional career i could have made yeah so much

fucking money if i did everything people requested me to do on only fans that's my plan b just offering tens of thousands of dollars for dick pics and i'm like i just can't do it what if you didn't have dick morphia would you do it no it's not that it's not that it's I've got some good angles. I've got some stock photos in there, in case I'm on the road or something. But I just, I'm like, I want a family someday. And I'd rather it not be out there.

I've already sent so many for free. Then I'm like, let's not devalue it. Have you ever seen Big Daddy? The movie? Yeah. You know when they put on their, like, sunglasses and then they can say whatever they want? Yeah. Oh, boy.

I got you like Harry Potter style. All right, well, you say whatever you want. Whatever you want. Oh, boy. Nobody can see you. Do you like butt stuff? What? On me or on them?

Like, do you like butt stuff? I don't like my butt hold being touched at all. Okay. I don't even go near it. So it inspired me because you said you had a lot of guys that were. Oh, yeah, yeah. So I wondered if you dabbled. No, I don't want it.

Every girlfriend I've ever had is like constantly trying to fuck me with their finger. Really? Every girl I'd ever date is like, just let me in there. I'm like, no. They're like, you don't understand. It's going to make you come so much harder. I'm like, coming already feels so good. Yeah, I don't need to go any harder.

I really don't need to up the ante. Okay, I don't need to. I don't need to shoot a hole through the drywall. Like, what do you want from me? I don't need extra. I'm okay. I can't you take me seriously. You look good in yours.

Thanks. I have a googly eyes. Probably I sell outer roll. Yeah. It actually, they suit you, you can keep them if you want. But that's what I do when I want to feel like I could say something that I feel like maybe, look at, Glenda gets it. She's where there were their studies on the whole time.

She's just a loose can and ready to fire. So, okay, so you worked with OnlyFens for a little while. You're over it. Your new special. Tell me about it. It's called Matthew Stephen Rife. And you found out last night it hit a million views in like two days. Yeah, we're at 1.2 million in two days, which is insane.

You wouldn't have that without the internet, bro. I know. Oh, I know. I know. But, you know, if I could save the world, mental health issues, I'd do it. I respect that. I would trade it. Okay. I'm great. It's insane. I'm not a fan of the internet. As I'm sure you can tell. So it's just, it's amazing how much it likes me, I guess. Yeah. I was going to say lucky. No, you worked hard for this. But I feel like you can feel two things at once. It's one of my favorite things to talk about. You can be grateful for the internet and hate it at the same time. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, it's, I'm incredibly grateful for it. But now it's like, I hope to get to the level of success where I don't need it anymore, you know?

That's, yeah. I mean, your five-year plan is. Yeah, film and television, for sure. Yeah. I mean, comedy, always, but I'd love to make the transition over. You don't think in five and ten years, you'll, everyone should just actually have social media. Or maybe someone could run it for you so you don't have to even touch it. You know, that gets offered to me to this day.

But, like, I'm still, I don't know if this goes back to being a perfectionist or, whatever, but I just like things posted a certain way. I know you can train somebody or teach them how you like things done, but it's still not exactly you, you know. Where can people find your, just, it's on YouTube? Yeah, the newest special Matthew Steven Ryder's on YouTube. Nope, nothing. Nothing on Netflix.

But YouTube is cool. I'm just getting into the YouTube space and I feel like people are re-falling in love with YouTube. Yeah, it's got pros and cons. The con is probably like they're cracking down on more like sensitive content, which sucks. They are? yes um oh no yeah they're well it's that's the woke world we live in unfortunately like everyone

wants to be a little bit more protected um which i kind of like being like the rebellion towards that you know what i mean because like most of the population doesn't give a fuck they're not offended by everything in the entire world they're not worried about every other person's feeling and when i say every other person i mean point oh oh oh oh oh oh oh one percent of the population yeah and like that i want to adhere to that market even though it might not have might not be the most, like, publicly friendly thing to advertise. I think that's why people love it. Exactly.

Like, those fans are still there. Like, there's so many people who are tired of woke politically correct comedy. It's like, can we just say some goofy shit without people getting offended all the time? And YouTube has always been good for that. Yeah. They're still the best for, like, it's so accessible, you know? Like, if I want to share something with you on YouTube, I can just text you the link. Yeah, that's true.

You don't have to have a Netflix account and all that kind of stuff. So it's the most accessible. They have a really good algorithm. You own all your own content. You can monetize off of it. Yeah. So, I mean, it still has way more pros and cons. And I'm hoping they catch on to people being like, come on, please don't do this to us. So many people have smart TVs too. Is that what they're called? Smart TVs? Where they can just pull it up on. It's like they're watching. It's not like you have to watch it on your phone. No, no, you can put it on the big screen. Yeah. And so many people watch YouTube. I had no idea. I never watch YouTube. I'm never on there. I'm never on there. That's why we decided to decide to start doing YouTube because I'm like, wow, people love it. Oh, yeah. I couldn't believe. I think we're at like half a million subscribers on there now. And I have, same. I've, I've, I've. I've, posted i have two videos it's two specials on there like really the only videos i have on there when i posted the first one only fans i think i had 12 000 subscribers in two tiny videos up

don't you think that says something though about being super like authentic and true to yourself with like not giving a about what people think you should be as a comedian these days well i think that's just kind of the potential productivity that comes out of feeling like you're at rock bottom like i had mentioned like i was at such a point of like it I'm not worried about offending people. I'm not worried about adhering to a certain network standards or anything like that because everyone already doesn't with me. Yeah.

So I might as well just do my own thing. What's the worst that could happen? And luckily, people found me and liked it, I guess. I love that. I think it's, no, it's, it makes sense and it gives me a little bit of hope because I think I love when people can just say, I'm going to do what I love. I love or I'm going to do what I don't care what other people think if they're going to cancel me or whatever.

Oh, yeah. Because I think you get success from being that way. Oh, yeah. The industry convinces you that, like, they need you to be a certain way for them to be the gatekeepers to having any kind of success in a show business. And that's not true at all. For years, I was like, dude, am I not talented enough to gain fans or get on a TV show or get a comedy special?

Yeah. And lo and behold, all it took was just publicity for the access to me to figure out to, because I didn't get tremendously funnier over the past. two years. It's not like it just kicked in, you know. It just, you know, it needed the accessibility and the way for people to find me. So shout out to social media for that, I guess. Thanks. I roll. That's so far. I love that you hate social media. Um, okay, so I always confess or get guests to confess something to me on the show. Were you prepped for this? Oh, I was not. I had to have. It was in the email. Got lost in translation. He was the bad

Wi-Fi. It was the bad Wi-Fi. It was two months ago. Ooh, a confession. Is there any, like, theme to the confession. Okay, well, like, for me, when I heard you saying that you're just scrolling hundreds of thousands of beautiful women, like, do you ever hook up with your fans? No, not really. No. I want something juicy where people at home would be like, whoa, I didn't know that about them. Ooh.

I could inspire you with a couple confessions. Could you? Yeah, let me know, like, the level they're wrong. I don't want to. Oh, it can go real dark. Like, what's the weirdest confession we've ever had? Is it that like I've blown a snot bubble before or I've shit my pants or it's like I've murdered somebody? Yes.

Oh, shit. Like, that's why you're so worried about ghosts because you murdered somebody. I didn't murder anybody. I've murdered a few crowds. But not last night. It was a nightmare. That's going to harm me forever. Do you know that's one of the first videos I saw of you and I was like, Alicia was like, yeah, I've been telling you about this guy forever.

And it was when you, I always talk about it. It's when you were like talking about ghosts and you were like, yeah, I died from too much Puss or something. Oh my God. The woman was talking about how she saw a ghost in the mirror. I was like, the only thing I've ever seen in the mirror is in the mirrors is handsome-ass dude. The ghost of someone who died from too much pussy. Yeah.

So stupid. God, that was in like Connecticut, I think. Your kind of humor is exactly aligned with our kind of humor. Oh, thank God. It is right up our. alley and I friggin love it okay I have

oh yeah no okay you have to think of a confession if one doesn't come to you you can think about it because I have one more game to play with you and then that's it inspire me

and get the fuck out of my house I'm staying I'm playing with the dogs for next three hours that was reverse psychology I just want you to stay yeah you're manipulative I'm a Gemini

you know how they are oh my god but you don't believe in that no I do not but anybody who believes in it is the let's see a confession um

like something that you're like wow that's maricine i can't believe i'm about to tell you this um okay i'm going to go i'm going to go light and if you're like no something juicier than that okay that's fair um my ex-girlfriend broke this news to me and it's not important that she was an ex-girlfriend but it was just that's who happened to break it to me up until last year I thought your fingernails grew from the tips It's like whenever I would see a girl

With like press on nails And like it'd be like riding up on the cuticles I'd always be like Why didn't you get it all the way down And they're like they grow And I'm like yeah but like from the tips It still makes sense to me Okay because here's the thing

Because after she broke this to me I'd go all right well all right So it's not like hair then She goes hair's the same way And I go I still don't know if that's true. That doesn't make sense to me. You think hair grows from the ends?

Yeah, I think it might. It's scientifically proven. Think about it like this, okay? So the hair on your arm, right? Yeah. So it only grows to a certain length, right? And if you cut it in half, it's only going to grow back to that length, right? So it makes more sense to me that it would know to rejuvenate that amount on the top,

from the top, rather than it pushing through your skin to be like, no, we're going to make up for lost ground. How does the bottom of it know? how much to recoup on the top. This doesn't make any sense to me. You make a fair point. But you're also very wrong. Yeah, that was pretty embarrassing when I found that out.

Yeah, that's a bad one. Yeah. I'm still not totally convinced. You've got a nice hand, though. Thank you. And he clipped a little bit. Did you get manicures? I don't.

I always get told I have very soft hands, which is crazy. I'm not a big lotion guy. No. Mm-mm. Would? Dry. You don't use lotion? Not really, no.

For a guy who I just porn, that's kind of weird. More of a dry rub kind of guy, you know. Some people go to Buffalo Wild Wings, like a wet sauce. I'm a dry rub. I'm a dry rub kind of guy. I'm a lemon pepper or masturbator, definitely for sure. The dry rub. Yeah, you have to be careful.

After like round five or six, you're like, okay, it hurts a little bit. What's your record? Oh, it's probably two or three. In a day? Yeah. That's so, so. Oh, is that bad? Yeah.

What's yours? I already did my confession. I don't think it's really important. Do you ever just have like the waves of like horniness hit? I'll go, I'll go a month sometimes where I don't even think about sex. And then for like two weeks straight, I'm like all day. I'm like, I just want right now. That's more relatable.

I feel like men in general are hornier than women, though. I've heard opposite from women. That's fascinating. Okay, obviously something is broken in here. But I disagree, though, because there's no way. women are as horny as men because dudes we jerk off in our cars like you guys like have to get it out it's like a thing

yeah I mean pretty much every morning really yeah that's like my coffee every morning brush your teeth yeah not at the same time yeah I'm not like I'm not just what is the pat your head and rub your stomach yeah I'm not pulling his clothing oh no just before a girl comes over I just want

I wanted to be mentee fresh you know Okay, that's good This is good material Okay, I'm playing one game with you before I let you go Run it's called match Okay Maker swipe left or rife Wow, you put some bottom of this

You know what I did and then I was like I should have just like let that roll off the tongue Instead of being like Swipe left or Rife I should have just let it flow I liked you taking your time Oh you did?

Yeah, it made it Way worse. I love it. Okay, who we're matching with? Okay. Are you on dating apps? No, I think I'm on Raya, but I haven't been on it forever. I think I have an account.

I'm just waiting for the subscription on out until the guy bought the year. I think they have a thing against Bachelor people. Like, I've heard so many girls that come off the Bachelor, or that were the Bachelorette, they can't get on that app. Really? Yeah. Interesting. I know. So I heard.

I feel like you've met everybody already. Yeah, yeah, exactly. you've had your time um okay so i have a list of hypothetical dating profile situations okay these are made up people yeah okay and you just got to answer if you would swipe left or if they could be mrs rife so swipe right is rife right okay okay okay she has no social media rife not even a little red flag for you no i would love that she's 19 left but she looks exactly like your ex Oh, right. Okay.

Her profile says she doesn't want children. What she looked like? What is she? I got to see photos. She looks like your ass. Oh. Probably left. I want kids someday.

I'm pretty sure. I'm pretty sure. Okay, four out of her five picks are her with horses. Rife. I love horses. Four or five picks of her talking about. about ghosts right oh she has bad grammar hot girls are usually dumb yeah so i'm kidding i'm kidding no don't even clip that that's gonna get used out of context people are always misogynistic

oh my it's a joke kidding kidding i hate that you have to explain it i know i get in trouble all the time but i feel like my listeners have really good sense of humor i hope so they do they're very excited you would look at me and assume i can't read so like i think it's a fair assumption that means you think you're hot no i would think other people would think that. Not me. Not me. Bad grammar. I don't mind bad grammar. It's just she can't talk in TikToks. It can't be giving anything. It's giving me a headache. Okay. I don't want to hear a single TikTok slang go out of your mouth. I can deal with bad grammar all day. I can teach you. Yeah, that's fair. Yeah. Okay. She's someone your friend has talked to casually in the past.

But not slept with? Hooked up. No. Left. Okay. She has a pick with one of your merch t-shirts on. Rife. Oh, yeah. Okay. We don't mind a fan. Yeah. I need something to look at when I finish, you know? Something to clean it up with? Yeah. It's a two-parter. You know, I go, that's a really good photo of me and we're done. Got it.

Oh, my God. This was fun. This was fun. Thank you for inviting me into your home and having me on the podcast. Yeah, you're welcome. Thank you for me. See how much trouble I get in. This is going to be great. I'm curious. I don't think you will. I don't think so. I will be okay. Okay. I feel like everyone was really stoked when I said you're coming on the podcast.

All the listeners were like, what? He's my favorite. And my sister, I think, um, slid off her chair. Um, she was like, me and all the cheerleader, my niece is a cheerleader. Me and all the chair moms are obsessed with him. He's so hot. And I was like, Haley, you're like 45. Stop.

Rife. Swipe Rife. So shout out to all the cheer moms in LaDuke. Shout out to all the cheer moms in LaDuke. Yeah. they're jerking off to your only fans photos. Like and subscribe.

I will say it's also a pro to like social media and seeing like just how many hot girls there are. It's like you think all of them live in Miami or L.A. And are a certain type of like bougie, shallow girl. But then you see all these hot girls on TikTok or Instagram or whatever may be.

And like they're in places like Vancouver or Nashville. And you see these beautiful women with like a thousand followers there's just them and their dogs and they work at faking enterprise you're like there's wholesome beautiful people out there who don't give a shit about this shallow stuff like that's gonna be my wife for sure okay that's what I was going to ask because everyone that was I stopped scrolling through the questions for you because everyone was just like is he single where he date me like um all this stuff but everyone wanted to know what your type

would be or if you have one uh like physically or as a person both um Like, who's your celebrity crush? Where do you have a... Haley Williams. I... Shut up. The biggest girl crush on her ever. Her mom came to the shows last night.

Did you know that? Is that why you're wearing the Paramar shirt? Uh-huh. Kate, because when you were wearing that, I was like, that's so funny. Her mom sent me that merch box while I was like, well, I have to wear for the show. She's at, of course. I have been a Haley Williams fan since I don't even know when. I started loving her when I was like 23, I think, and I'm 37.

Mm-hmm. And I'm obsessed with her. And her voice, she's the reason that I started doing voice lessons. Really? Yes, I'm obsessed with her. She's so insanely talented. I'm insane. You ever just like be attracted?

Besides her being just absolutely beautiful. Like, you ever just be attracted to somebody's talent? You're like, you're so skillful. Like, this is so attractive to me. Yes. That's exactly what I'm in love with. I think she's fantastic. So that's probably if I have a celebrity crush is probably her.

I love that. I was here in November for like a one nighter here at Zanis. And her mom came to this show. When we were doing the meeting, this is when I could meet everybody at the time. And she came up She was like, oh, you need a new Paramore shirt Because one of the videos on TikTok that went viral I was wearing a Paramore shirt

And I thought it was just like banter I was like, oh yeah, you know, love the band She was like, do you know who I am? And I was like, I don't really And she was like, oh, I'm Haley's mom. I was like, get the fuck out of you. That's amazing. She was like, my daughter and I love you.

Like we were always sharing your TikToks and stuff back and forth. We just watched your special together. I was like, get the f*** out of here. She's the cool. So now I'm going to see them. I'm going to see Paramore at the forum in L.A.

This summer, I'm so excited about it. That's cool as shit. I know all of her music, and she seems like just such a badass. I've seen her live twice. She was like hawking and lugies on stage between like screaming. No way. Yeah. That's so hot.

I know. Next time, I'm just going to stand on the side of the stage and be like, that was. Peromore. Peramore. That's disgusting. Oh, yeah. So in love.

That's definitely, that's like the woman I would love to marry. Wait, no, I didn't even, that's the, so that's your, but personality wise. Like, what, she, she would never be viral on TikTok? No, I definitely don't want to date somebody who's like an influencer. I really don't want to do that. I mean, it depends on what their content is. Like, there's some people who do like fashion or like makeup tutorials, that stuff's not as bad to me. But if you're just, if you're dancing or just like being overly sexually provocative in your video for likes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so immature to me. Yeah. That's very unattractive. But what if you won the mirror ball and you like dancing? That's hot. Okay. That's hot. That's actually okay.

Okay, fine. Yeah. But just, yeah. I'm going to let us lie because, again, I kind of set her up. I just tried to. No influencer. Good sense of humor, for sure. Like, I love a good roasting relationship.

Like, if you, like, yeah. Once I dated a girl who was like, she had a great butt. Yeah. And she knew it. And she was even obsessed with her butt. And she would, like, literally get in the mirror and it's like, twerk to herself in the mirror I would be so over it like

this is a girl I get to have sex with and I'm very attracted to but it became so annoying to me that any time she would do it every time she would twerk in the mirror I would go and she would stop I'm trying to be sexy and I'm like well it's not okay it's so childish to me oh my god I can't imagine

I love like a good roasting relationship you know what I mean like I'm not going to play into your insecurities and let you feel insecure anytime a girl is like you know do I look fat and this outfit I'm like yeah you look like you look you don't leave this room you know you look horrible that's a huge bitch i like exactly i love a good banter somebody who can give it back and forth you know sense of humor obviously with me being a comedian like they have to be in a dark some dark shit if you if you see what i say on stage imagine when i don't you know um so since the humor is obviously a big one

not an influencer preferably and just a nice person yeah it's become a a thing recently that I've met a few girls that like being a mean girl is like their way of flirting and I'm like that's not fun like roasting is fun like that they don't get the difference though they don't get the deal like just being bitchy is not like hot to me and I'm like this sucks because like you seem like a cool girl and like you're stunning but I you're kind of mean to me yeah um so yeah there's there's a fine line but like if you should get it and mean are very different absolutely yeah so that's, just be nice, be able to laugh and have some kind of substance to you. Yeah, substance.

That's good. I'm Caitlin Bristow. I'll see you next Tuesday. See you next Tuesday.