Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Robyn Schall

Episode Date: December 8, 2020

Robyn Schall  Kaitlyn is joined this week by New York comedian and viral TikTok sensation for reading off her 2020 goal list, and OG Vino, Robyn Schall! Join them as Robyn explains why Kaitlyn's season on the Bachelorette was her favorite, talk about the highs and lows off stand-up comedy, and going viral during a pandemic. Stay tuned to find out the state of Robyn's DMs, her failed Etsy page and her foot pic business! GEICO - Go to geico.com , and in fifteen minutes you could be saving 15% or more on car insurance   HEAD & SHOULDERS - Self-care made simple SKREWBALL - Go to Skrewballwhiskey.com for more info and click to buy now  MRS. FIELDS - 20% off site-wide with promo code VINE at Mrsfields.com  SPRINGTIME SUPPLEMENTS - Save up to 55% with free shipping on your first order with code VINE when you visit Springtime.com See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Caitlin Bristow. Caitlin is creating a space where girls and gents can feel empowered to be themselves. Get ready for lots of laughs. Taboo topics. On filtered advice and wine. Lots of wine.

Get ready to shake things up. Here's Caitlin. Welcome to Off the Vine. I'm your host, Caitlin Bristow. I am frigging excited for you guys to hear today's podcast and to, just to know a little more about Rob and Shawl. She is amazing. When I started seeing her stories and posts, I was like, I have to get this girl on

the podcast. She went viral. All these celebrities were talking about her because her video was so funny. She's a comedian from New York. I just, I would have found a way to meet her, but I went to her page and she was following me and it was one of the greatest moments of my life because I was like, yes, I can be friends with her. So anyway, she made us laugh reading her 2020 goal list. She's quickly become someone everyone is talking about.

Oprah Magazine called it Best Video of the Year. She was recently on the Drew Barrymore show. She sat down with Katie Craig. Like she's just getting the praise that she deserves. She's an incredible comedian, hilarious, truly a gym. We talk a lot about how she was a fan of The Bachelorette, how, you know, comedy has shaped her life and what she went through as a child to get to where she is today. Do we talk about how she would really like a dick pick from Jason?

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35% alcohol by volume alcohol volume 70 proof Now back to Off the Vine with Caitlin Bristow Hello Oh my goodness Caitlin Fowling I'm saying this

I have a new nickname for you And I feel like I can't just say Caitlin anymore No it has to be Caitlin Plow my field Bristow nobody calls me that Except for you It can stick I'm totally embracing it It's crazy because that's the best line to ever come out of the Bachelor franchise.

You think so? The best line ever? I mean, at least for entrances. And I've seen most seasons. I mean, that was a show. That was when I was like, oh, she doesn't belong on this show. I felt that way just like entering the building. Like I was like, uh-oh, I think I'm going to go home night one.

I'm for sure the drunk girl. Like, that's what I thought. I thought I was gone night one for being the drunk. girl my whole family thought so i thought so and there turned out there was a drunker girl than me so that's how i was saved so you lucked out but this is why i mean you just they never especially for bachelorette they don't go for funny that's not what they go for guys too like no male lead has ever been funny either right no the more boring for the male lead the better yeah you know they don't like funny that's not what they go for for this show so when you came around and you were funny i mean

And I think the reason why everyone was so happy you became The Bacheloretist because most girls like that and a friend, but it didn't fit with their pattern. Actually, everything you did on your season does not fit with their pattern, which is why was the best season? You know what? The fact that you think it's the best season makes my whole life because you are one of my new favorite people. I think you're a lot of people's new favorite people. I mean, you were already successful as a comedian. Don't get me wrong. But you got the blow up credit that you deserved.

And we obviously are going to talk about that. but let's go back to me um so i'm fine i could talk your season literally i've been waiting for this moment for five years you're it's like no okay so for two different boyfriends i started the bachelor with your season or or chrises because i i always want i'm like let's start with chrises it's not like he's not great but you'll like the girls and then it leads them into yours and then both of them got hooked. I'm going to tell you, I am not just trying to be biased with Chris's season, but we did have a good group of girls. Like, I feel like all the girls on that season really kind of like made a name for themselves in the Bachelor franchise world. If you think about it, no other season has as many

successful women as Chris's season. Yeah, I wonder what that's about. I don't know if that's like, I figured it out. You did? And no offense to Chris. He's lovely, very good looking man. But he doesn't like shine in the personality department. Right. So the casting people were like, oh, we really need to compensate with the women for this guy. So they went overboard with the personalities with the women to, you know, to match him. You're right. You're right.

Because as, you know, I don't talk ill about him at all, ever. But he didn't have the shining personality. And I always thought, and I think I've said this on my podcast a million times, but I always thought he just got really nervous around me and I was like, oh, he can't put together a sentence. He's like so taken back by me. And then I'm like, oh, no, he just can't. He's got a tough time like having conversation. Yeah. There's some people that bring like good looks to the table and he's one of them. You know, like I could look at him forever. He seems like a very nice man. But you know, we needed big personality women, I think, to compensate. But then we get to your season. Oh my goodness.

First of, everything you got hell for is why it's my favorite season. Yeah, yeah, I'm glad. I think it was very, it was very polarizing. You either were like, I'm here for this because that's relatable, or you're like the rest of, you know, America who is used to the girl next door who doesn't talk about sex. And they're like, oh, God, no. Right. But if you think about it, okay, this is why they're wrong. And I'm correct.

Because most women, okay? most women are funny and personable, and most women like sex, all right? So what you did was be the most relatable. I mean, most women, if you're attracted someone, you're not, for six weeks. How long is the show? Two months, three months, not sleep with them? It's like 11 weeks. Yeah, that's crazy.

It's crazy to like ask a woman not to sleep with someone if they're attracted to them. So I'm standing by, I stood by everything I say, and everyone else is wrong. But I have a question. Yes. okay was it as many people that were that mean or is it just that mean people are louder to people like us like there's a big a million nice comments and then one you know awful human and then we that's all we think about yeah i think that's what it is i think the hate is so loud i think okay and then i have a theory on this too i think the hate is so loud and it's like oh my

i'm just being myself i'm not like playing a character i'm like literally just being myself i mean you play characters or whatever but like you're getting you know trolled for being you and that hurts but what I really think is we have a hard time as human beings accepting compliments so when people are like oh my gosh you're so funny and you're so this and you're so that and you're like ah like when somebody compliments your sweater and you're like have to tell them it was from Target for five dollars like you always want to downplay everything where if somebody hates you're like oh well we're all insecure and I'm going to like pay a attention to that because it's weird to acknowledge somebody praising you.

I think you're you've nailed it. That's totally it. And I'm like even now when people are giving these compliments, I'm like, oh, it's because Jennifer Gardner posted. It's not really that they like me. But then as soon as I get a negative one, I call my therapist. I'm like, we're coming down. Everyone ages us. You know, by the way, I didn't tell my therapist, this is like, this wasn't the biggest reality check ever. Okay. So I'm on all these talk shows. everything's happening so I started like panicking you know so I called my therapist to tell her like I need appointment and she had no clue and there's nothing more humbling than having to tell someone you're famous you know I'm having a talk time I'm famous she's like you are what

have you done you know so that's so funny that is a humbling moment um I'm pretty sure that my therapist was like a big bachelor fan and that was it was like helpful but also extremely weird because she like she got to find out behind the scene stuff that really like messed with my head and she was like almost asking like oh well and what else happened like it was like yeah oh i'm sure right she said so now do the producers force you to say this yeah it was like fascinating as a therapist and a fan of the show so are you still with her are you still with the same therapist that you were yeah i'm obsessed with her she's helped me through everything i'm with the same therapist since I was six years old.

Stop. Oh, my gosh. You haven't outgrown her? No, I really did, but I have like separation anxiety for people. And she doesn't like that because you're paying the bills. So she's like, no, it's okay. Yeah, like literally why I'm going to her is why I can't leave her. But, um, yeah, no, no, she's not good.

We've been together for so long that there's like, she eats like, and I have all these, like, food issues, right? And she's like eating lunch while I'm there, you know. This is like, we crossed the line of, she once fell asleep. She, okay, I'm a comedian. Do you understand how important it is for people to be into what I'm saying? She fell asleep while I was talking. How old is she?

She's not old. She said she was on like cough medicine and it was making her sleeping. But, ooh, that was hard on the soul. Yeah, that's like, that crushes the ego when, I mean, especially as a comedian, but also just as a human being in a therapy session, trying to like talk through something. and someone falls asleep. Yeah, it wasn't good. It wasn't good.

Wasn't my best moment. Oh, my gosh. I just die. Like, this is another thing why, I mean, you were talking about it with Bachelor, Bachelorette, like seeing someone relatable, get acknowledged. Because I do feel like TV has, you know, done that to us in magazines, is acknowledging people who aren't relatable. And that's why I've always loved comedians, to be honest.

I always, like, in another life, I wanted to be a comedian. comedian and I always like that's one of my favorite things to do if I go to New York and it's just something laughing is you know obviously the best thing ever and comedians are just so intelligent with how they like work how their brains work and I was just so happy when your video went viral first of all I'm so sorry about your grandma I'm sure everyone says that I'm on all these shows they're like oh my god you're so funny sorry about your grandma but also we're your grandma would be so proud that my god she'd be milking this this is like her thing you know yes um that's so incredible and like to watch somebody like you get this acknowledgement i'm like so happy about

it because and it helped me because now i get to follow you on social media and when i i'm telling you jason would have thought like something like i won the lottery like my life had changed in some drastic way when i realized you were following me because i'm like watching your the video that went viral. I'm like seeing that Oprah's saying it. I'm seeing all these people are going nuts. And I go to your page to start following you. I was like, oh my God. And I like start like jumping. And I was like, we're internet friends. And that's how I've made some of my best friends, you know, is through the internet. Oh, I'm, I'm sure because I've had that exact reaction when you messaged me. Because I don't know what, guys, if everyone listening, who knows what

the hell I mess. I put on my Instagram story like a year and a half ago about Caitlin. I don't know that's gone right thank god who the hell knows what i wrote but i get a message from kaitland and she's like i wish i could be in a time machine to go find out what you posted about me a year and a half ago i honestly have no clue but i'm not kidding i've been listening to this podcast since you started it that be one of the originals wow i am so flattered and honored and that just i mean if if people think i'm funny i feel like my life is made If a comedian thinks I'm funny, I must be funny. You did comedy on your season.

Yes, that was the best thing. That's how I knew that maybe the producers thought I would be the Bachelorette, because you know how it was between two, because all my dates were like, like rap battles and comedy. And I was like, these are pre-planned. And I feel like I can't see Britt doing comedy as, I mean, she's lovely. She's lovely. But let's make beads. yeah she would and that's what we were so different and so i was like okay so yeah i got to do stand up

with amy schumer which was one of my favorite moments in life because i finally got to have that moment of being on stage and know what it's like and i had a question for you because of 2020 obviously this whole pandemic going on now you get to have a platform in a huge stage bigger than you know what you would do in i'm assuming in comedy clubs um but do you prefer that live interaction of stand-up and seeing people's instant reaction? Or do you prefer having your own platform to be hilarious whenever you want on social media?

Hands down like the live theater. Like 100%. When you hear laughter, I mean, I'm posting stuff now and you read like, this is so funny, but it's so much better to hear laughter. Also, when you're performing and a room's laughing, you feel good on social media. You have to go based off a numbers, which is soul-sucking.

You know, to watch numbers go up or down. you don't feel with that in a comedy club it's just you and then also in a comedy club you can say anything and everyone knows you're a comic we're in this together on social media you say one off color joke and it couldn't ruin your entire life you know so that's fair i i didn't really think to break it down like that because i in my opinion i'm like oh my gosh i always wanted like a thought about having my own show now i thought it was going to be like i thought i was going to be on the news or something like a news anchor like that's what i used to think growing up. Really? I can't do news as being your thing. Me either now. I don't know why I thought news, but I wanted like a radio show or news or like somehow be on TV in that way.

But now that I have this platform on social media, I'm like, I literally have my own reality show just on my phone that I have control over, like creative control. I can say or do whatever I want. But I didn't think about that because as a comedian and you were, you took, or you What did you go to school for? I was for acting. But then like five years later, I became a comedian. Yeah.

So you, you, like, appreciate that world so much and worked so hard to get to do that. And that is that instant gratification of hearing people's laughter. You, like, hit send and you're like, is that funny? Or did that land? I don't know. I never doubted myself as much as I have over the last two weeks. Because usually I just say stuff and you hear laughter. Now you post something.

thousands of people watching it and you're like, I don't know. Well, for people, I'm sure, I feel like everyone knows, but for people who don't, explain how, what happened with this video that you made, what the video was about and how it blew up. Okay, so I've been... Well, I take a sip from my, like, gobble. Oh, hold on. Let me have my Oprah wine. I'm like, oh, you boozy bitch. Cheers. Cheers.

Cheers. Mine spade and sparrows. It's still good. I can't wait to tell you my confession, by the way. Oh, I can't wait. I can't wait to get there. I heard it's a good one. I'm so embarrassed for what good there.

Okay, so as a comedian, I really haven't been working. I've been doing a lot of Zoom comedy shows, but, you know, that's painful. You know, you can't hear laughter. It's hard. But then they came out. The vaccine is probably coming out. So then I got all optimistic. And I was like, I need to start writing again.

So I took out my notebook that I. had from like last year to see what jokes I was working on and it must be from December because I found like a goals list of like all my goals for 2020 and I was reading it and it was just so funny because every single goal on the list was everything that was taken away from 2020 like be social travel more you know be healthy and then uh the lands one said to spend more time with my grandma and then she died I know for some people that's a little dark but I don't know it just struck me is so funny

and so I made I like recorded myself reading it to post it on TikTok and I knew this was dark and I was like all right someone out there will find this funny which is usually my mindset

and then on TikTok it kind of got like 300,000 which was a lot for me that is a lot. Yeah so then the next day I was like oh I should post this on Instagram so I posted on Instagram and it was doing well

and then Monday like a few days later one meme account tanks good news i don't know if you follow it but it's like a great it's a great account i do posted it and then after he posted it kyle richards from the real housewives do you watch the real housewives i don't but i know who that is yeah okay she i love her like she's great and then she posted it and then a little later jen gardner posted it and then after that it was like you know craziness and then the next day the view played it and the talk played it and everyone's like

all these agents are reaching out to me and it's gone from like the week you know the list 10 years and no one would take a meeting you know like you just grinding out there yeah no one can even crap about me and then like overnight it just changed everything it's like crazy how things work that is like classic TikTok fame that it happens overnight and I mean I have I have some dark humor so I kind of I kind of would have done the same as you like I know obviously it's sad that your grandma died and everyone's probably like oh my god she's laughing but it's kind of like that like this is so fucking terrible that it like makes you laugh because you're like how is the world this shit right now that that's this is my goal list and it's literally everything that 2020 is not and my

grandma died right and i feel like this year has been so crappy for everyone i don't care who you are even if you had a good year you really didn't i don't believe you're like it just it's impossible everyone's family was taken away from them like meaning with social distance so i think it was very relatable and i think also since my grandma did pass i think i was kind of giving approval of like all right guys we need to laugh about this and i think that's why it struck a chord with people because i think people want to laugh again it's been yeah we're going to take a quick break we all know i'm a big cookie guy i like sweets i love having freshly baked cookies around the house because when that cookie mood hits which sometimes is for

breakfast i need to be prepared so here's another secret about me okay yeah i love fresh cookies but i don't always have time to bake sorry it's just reality Can you really see me just sitting in the kitchen baking up some cookies now? Mrs. Fields has always had my back literally from childhood until now, and for 40 years, they have been making fresh-baked gourmet treats that are delivered to you with quality and deliciousness. And if you can't spend the holidays with the loved ones this year, send them something they can all enjoy. Mrs. Fields has a variety of flavors that you can choose from to send to a friend or say for yourself. Who wouldn't want to receive a holiday cookie gift in the mail?

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Go to springtime.com slash vine to get free shipping on your first order and learn how you can save up to 55%. Podcast listeners will receive free shipping on their first order with code vine when you visit www.com. Now back to Off the Vine with Caitlin Bristow. I love watching videos like that go viral for people that actually are truly funny and deserve of that kind of like, you know, sometimes I see girls eating cereal on TikTok and like going viral. I'm like, but why? Why? And so when people are like, you've been in this, you know, business and industry and you've been trying to get meetings and then you do this video and all of a

sudden you as a comedian are getting acknowledged as a hilarious comedian. I'm like, yes. And then I want to follow along. And that's how I found it was Jennifer Garner posted it. And I was like, who's this and laughing so hard jason thinks you're just so funny he's so cute he's cute don't worry i'm not stepping i'm just saying he's not cute he's very cute i was going to ask you because you've had a boyfriend for four years is he like a mystery man or are you like hiding him or do we know his name even no i don't know his name let me let me know you do but do the world yeah his name is frank um uh he's He's like a normal person.

Do you know what I mean? Like he's very private. He's very like he has like a government job. He's like lives like a very quiet life that we just have to fall in love, you know. But he wants like nothing to do with this. And I can't understand it because I just always think everyone wants to be famous and funny and out there. But there's like some people who don't. Like there's some people who don't like be on camera, you know.

So, but he's so supportive. But like behind camera. But he doesn't mind like me. I mean, he's in so much of my material. I've been with him for so long, you know, but he's no desire to ever be on camera. What was his reaction when, like, Oprah's sending you wine and being, you're in her magazine and all these celebrities are reposting? Was he like, oh, gosh, or was he like, yes, this is what you, like, this is what should happen?

No, he was so supportive. Like, he's, like, my biggest cheerleader. He's always been, every time, like, you know, at least 10 times a week, I want to quit the business. you know, and he's always like, no, it's going to happen, just stay with it. So, like, when this or it's happened, I kept checking in on him because I was nervous, like, this is a lot. You know, this is a very overwhelming, you know, a few weeks. And he's always like, no, this is what I always knew was going to happen.

I'm so excited. So he's supportive, just, you know, he was very excited about this podcast. Oh, Frank. That's so sweet. I'm like, I wish we could travel there and we could all go on a little double date because I Well, we've already established that we're in each other's wedding parties now. Yeah, yeah, as long as I don't have to, you said I could wear black. You can wear any color you want.

I'm in. He lives in California, though. Oh, he does. Oh, so you guys are doing the long D thing. And so a lot of FaceTime's and that. But when's the last time you saw him? Well, so, okay, so both my grandmas died within three weeks of each other. So it was just hell.

So after the second grandma died, I called. I called him and I was like, I'm not okay. Yeah. Because I'm so okay with things. Like, even when I'm bad, like, I'm able to like pick myself up. Yeah. But I knew I wasn't. I wasn't working. I wasn't seeing friends. I wasn't family. Everyone's dying. I was scared. So, and then the next thing, this is like in the middle of the peak of pandemic. It was like May. He got on the plane the next day and was here. So I saw him then. And then, what else I said? Then in August when like the numbers went down, I went to California. So like we've made, you know, when there's no pandemic, we see

other like every six weeks but you did long distance for a little bit with jason right yeah and i actually love long distance not i mean i would prefer to to be with the person after quite some time but like long distance is so uh if you're independent and you like you know doing your own thing and having your space it's the most incredible thing in the world you get to have your own space then see them you get to miss each other you get to like have the fun romance and like it just it doesn't get old and like it's i don't know i you keep it fresh when you're doing long distance. Yeah, and people are like, do you guys fight?

I'm like, we'll see each other for like two weeks at a time. There's not, I mean, we fight because he's annoying, but like, not like real fights. Because we're not with each other long enough. And it's always exciting when we see each other. So, yeah, no, it's, I like long distance. I mean, eventually I would want to look, you know, of course. Yeah, you can't do it forever.

Yeah. But now after these last three weeks, I'm like, well, let's see what have. I'm like, I don't know we're going to end up, you know. Her is kind of taken off. Yeah, I mean, I'm really famous. But no, he's so excited. So when Katie Couric reached out to, like, do an interview, and she's brilliant because, like, I don't mention Frank that much,

but she's like, so tell us about Frank. And now, Frank's from Guam. And so his mom's there. So, like, the fact that Katie Kirk said his name, like, he's now the most famous person in Guam. For sure. He's only, like, four people in Guam. So it's not like the biggest deal.

But, you know, and then Jen Garner called me after, like I did the Drew show and she, and then she called me at first of it. I was like, you would actually appreciate this. How many women have like rallied behind me in the business? Like all these strong women have like, because, you know, they make this appearance that women are cutthroat. No, they're not. The, my biggest champions have been women in this business. Even before this, I always said comics were the ones who gave me my biggest breaks before this because female comics. But anyway, Jen Garner was like, oh, your boyfriend's so cute.

And then I told him. And so now he's like, he's ready to break up with me. Oh, that's going to be on his tombstone. Like that. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, Robin, I'm leaving you for Jen. I'm like, all right, you do you know.

You try. You're like, it's okay. I'm probably leaving you for like Brad Pitt soon anyway. Yeah, exactly. Meanwhile, neither one else will ever leave the other. So that's why the joke can land because you know. Exactly. Wait, didn't you do something where you went around the streets of

New York and ask people to describe their love life in three words. Oh, yeah. I love talking to people on the street. So I'll just, like, come up with random questions. I mean, this is on camera. People are not just like, that's content. Yeah. But, yeah, I just like would stop people.

And no one could do it. No one could do three words. What would be your three words to describe your love life? Fun. Yeah. Sexy. Oh. Um, and loyal.

oh that's nice he's not leaving i could also tell him i could tell him i murdered someone he'd be like where are we putting the body you know that's a true partner right there i don't know jason would probably like run to the cops on me and be like this fucking psycho helen and that's why you call mate i will i'm going to call you and frank if i ever consider doing that that's good we got shovel we got shovels and we got a trunk to a car we got you covered galen it's all you need really yeah we don't need jason what is he going to bring what is he going to bring he'll bring um his phone to call 911 on me yeah well you know you need one good person in the group to like keep you yeah that's true that's true he is that guy he's a very um i shouldn't say that

it's not like he's very by the books he's kind of branching out now it's so funny because when i met jason he was very much like you know i had my education you work you work your way up corporate america that's where he was he was vp of a bank he was you know had that that lifestyle and now it's like fuck this and he's like you got to follow your own um map and path and fuck the blueprint and i'm like oh i've really gotten through to you in the last couple of years i am into this jason he's so into it's so funny my dad always said a perfect relationship should equal a hundred so like if someone's like wacky to like a 80 percent you know somebody's wacky like a 20% so that it evens out and you and i have like really wacky personalities

so it makes sense the guys we're with are more grounded and i couldn't be with another wacky like i'm i'm like 90% wacky i would say you should have jason was like not sure if he was even attracted to me last night because i'm deciding to go on like this hair growth journey because i did all these extensions for going on the show and now my hair is i'm i keep calling myself a bald eagle because i have no hair and is it from like the extensions yeah like my hair just some people's hair worked well with extensions i just have such thin fine hair that mine i just get little baldy spots all over my head if i do them for too long and so last night i got my eyebrows tinted and laminated and they were like you know the dad from um american pie who's also shits creek like his brows that's what mine

looked like when i had gotten them tinted plus i had a shower cap on doing a hair treatment and then I bought off Amazon this like um like leopard print heat heating sleeping cap that you plug in to keep your like the treatment on your hair whatever and he just came out of the bathroom and I'm like sitting there with my retainers in with my freaking Eugene Levitt is that his name Eugene Levitt levy levy levy yes levy with that those brows and my heating cap and I was like hey so are you coming to bed or and he's like oh god like it was just not cute at all I have to say as you were saying all this I was like that's the best part about how I looked like in my viral video is like I've never looked uglier than in that picture

and it's so good because I feel like the world got to meet me because like you when like you the world met at your prettiest so if you don't have a great day the world's like Caitlin get your act together. But for me, if I shower, everyone's like, Robin. It's so crazy. I'm like, I showered. That was it. I've gotten to that point, though. Now people just know that like, it's almost kind of a gross joke, but not a joke that people know I don't like to shower. And so when I, thank you. What is it about showering? That's the worst. Like, if I'm like, if I can shower and go to bed, I'm okay. And I always joke that it feels like it like takes me back to the wound. So it's like fine in the moment.

But to shower and get ready to me is just like such an inconvenience. Yeah. Well, doing your hair is the worst. And getting out of the shower like getting on the shower wet and cold. I don't support it. I support the no showering. This is why I've been quarantined alone and no one's around me. But that's why you can.

That's why Jason is now like questioning all of his decisions with me is because he's seen the real me and the like I was thriving in quarantine just like from the not like the level of questionable hygiene made me thrive in quarantine. Right. Oh, me too. Also, I actually, I like being around people, but it's been really nice not having to go out or put on shoes or anything. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, it's been so nice. Wait, I have a question. Are you so happy Dancing Stars is over or? Yeah. Yeah. It was a really, I don't know if I've talked about it too much about how tough it was, but it, I mean, I've said it was hard, it was hard, but it was really hard.

I'm not sure why I feel like my time on the show was so hard. I know everybody says like, you know, their body falls apart and it's mentally draining in your hours and hours. But I really, like, struggled mentally on that show. And I think because it really triggered my like younger 20s self of not feeling like good enough to be a dancer. And I had to give up my dreams of being a dancer when I was like younger. So I feel like it took me back to like,

wait, am I good enough? But then I won. So I'm like, oh, I am. I'm right. I think it was a lot of like other layers for you. Like what you had to give up and everything. But so I want my parents, it's their favorite show dancing with the stars. Like you can't call for that hour.

They are like die hard. They get mad if you call. So I want to get on the show, but only for like a week. I want to be like the first time because it just seems too hard. It just seems like a lot. But it's, it's, you think it's hard and I knew it was going to be hard. And then it was 10 times harder than I thought it could ever be. Like, it really puts your body through the ringer.

And I mean, Artem was such a great partner because he pushed me so hard. But I'm not used to that. I feel like I'm used to just being like my own person and like if I don't want to be pushed, I'm not going to. Like I don't do well with personal trainers, hence why my last relationship didn't work out. But I don't like being told, like, what to do if I'm not enjoying doing it. And dance was something I always loved. And it became something I felt like I was really being told how to do something, which was his job.

But it was really hard because every day I just left being like, I think I'm terrible. I think he hates me because he was just, that's what kind of teacher he is. But it works. Yeah, they all seem, I mean, they all seem scared. There's not one teacher that I'm like, oh, he seems nice. I mean, they all seem nice, but, like, none that I need to be told, like, constantly how wonderful I'm doing. And none of them seem like that type. No, I actually had to tell Artem at one point, I said, could you maybe acknowledge when I do do something well?

Because at this point, I think everything, and he was like, oh, my God, he even said, he's like, that's my bad. He goes, and I should be doing that. And he's like, I said at this point, I just, I was bawling my eyes out going, I just be like, I suck. And he was like, sorry, that's my bad. I should be telling you things you're doing. good instead of all wrong but I'm the same way like did you ask Carol Baskin if she what did you ask I want to know about her and your relationship with her I wanted so badly to just like somehow see if she liked wine like maybe get her drunk and on the podcast and like of

course she can't go in an interview and expect them to maybe not ask that question like she has to at this point expect it and so I wanted to like maybe come up with a TikTok with her that was like the Carol, Carol Baskin, and then it would be like her side of the story. But unfortunately, we didn't get there. I think I talked to her once because she was gone on week two and like that with the pandemic and everything going on, you couldn't really hang out with people on the show. That sucks. I feel like you got robbed a little with it being a pandemic. Yeah, I did. I feel like the live audience would have been really cool having Jason and my family be able to come out and like be in the crowd would have been.

been amazing hanging out with Carol Baskin and getting the real answers could have been cool. But what is what is your take on that? Um, who, her or pandemic? Okay. I'm like, wow, Dr. Fauci, um, uh, okay, I think, I think she killed them. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Who the hell knows. I do know it's a documentary and they have to make things look a certain way. I do think it was brilliant entertainment that his family took out commercial during the episode that she was on yeah that was that was insane i didn't know till

the next day that was so cold i couldn't i was like wait what i had to go back and like find it because i had no idea until the next day so so her no so her ex-husband that is no longer here his family bought a space on abc to promote a commercial about how she did kill her husband yes that is that's cutthroat yeah i mean like i have a lot of feelings towards all my exes but that is like taking it to the next level you know although honestly i can't believe speaking of exes do you know i've had a very successful two weeks and not one ex has come out of like the woodwork to be like oh hey rob and i saw your video none not one really i you know what that's fascinating to me because So many of the exes usually do come out of the woodworks in the, you know, but they're probably like, they probably don't want you to have that.

They probably don't want to be associated with me. Oh, God. You remember, this is like, I mean, I got, I mean, I really looked like garbage in that video, you know, so I don't need to be associated with this. No, but I really thought, like, once I got successful, all these guys that like ghosted me would be like, hey, rabbit, not what? literally wait not only not one but now okay i've gotten so many dms now one guy has it on me now one dig back i don't like green luck oh if this makes you feel better um i have received some just from being on the show and it really did nothing for my ego or anything it made me a little bit bothered they're never good no you're in the right i'm in the wrong i'm just saying i just want one

dick pick just to know that you like made it to that level where you're getting yeah i think more dick bicks just from being a you know not going viral like now there's people so i want you to be like ooh this girl's hot you know you had like this image of your in your head of what your dms would look like once you're like it's not it's just all these lovely women wanting to be friends and i'm like this is beautiful where's the digpicks you know like where's the men there's not there's not there's not the dark just waiting for one i'm gonna i'm gonna create well i shouldn't tell you this but i'm gonna make a fake account and i'm gonna find a dick pick to send you and it's gonna be a really good one and i'm

really funny if you mess up and you just go on jasons and you send a dick pick from his and i'm like oh god now this is awkward i'll be like jason she really wants a dickpick i'll convince him to send you one like jason take one for the team come on yeah i'll be like she's in our wedding party You kind of have to. It's her wonderful. For all women everywhere, I accept Jason's dick pick. And then you can make that go viral and then we'll see what happens. Oh, absolutely.

Oh, if you think I'm keeping that to myself, that'd be the first thing to go on my Insta stories. Oh, my God. Can't tell me your confession. I can't wait any longer. Okay. Wait, no, I'm so embarrassed. And wait, before you start, do you really get embarrassed or are you like, because at my, like, on my podcast, I will say, anything. And I'll, I'll get a little embarrassed, but as a comedian, do you get embarrassed?

Are you like, eh, fuck it? No, I'm constantly a state of embarrassment. But the thing is I'm an overshare. So I know my most, anytime I think goes bad in my head, I'm like, this is awful right now, but it'll be funny tomorrow. So that's really how I get through everything. Even like when I was on bad dates, I'm like, oh, well, this is good content, even though like during it, it's hell. But, okay. No judgment. All right. So, all right, as I said, I was very excited when you slid into my DMs. I was like, oh, my God, I've, like, followed you for so long. I was so excited. And then literally, like, a few nights later, you won, dancing with the stars. And I was like, so proud of you and so happy for you. I know you've wanted it for so long. So I messaged your producer. And I was like, I really want to send Caitlin a congratulations gift. Do you have a PO box that I could send her to? Okay. And they're like, yep, here's a PO box. All right. So I get a mug, like, custom made. It's probably in your PO box. It's like a, it's a mug that says like, ask me about my, you know,

mirror bowl trophy mug, right? And then inside it was like all this candy. All right. So I get it. And the next, I pick it up and the next day I'm doing the Drew Barrymore show. So it's like one in the morning and I am panicking. I'm so anxious and I need sugar.

Well, the only sugar I had was your gift. So I opened it up. I ate all the candy of your gift. And then the next morning, I was like, oh no what I did I ate Caitlin's gift so then I went to CVS and I didn't want to buy just like because it was like Eminems and stuff that wasn't wrapped and because it's a pandemic I needed it wrapped

candy so I just got you like starburst and there's like really cheap like gummy pairs and then I put it in and then I didn't have a way to like rewrap it so I just put plastic and duct tape around it and I sent it out and then after I sent it I was telling Frank and he's like wait you didn't actually send that. I was like, well, I wanted to still give it to her. He's like, you ate her gift and still sent it. And I'm like, yeah. And so then I was like, maybe she won't notice.

But then I was like, coming on your pocket. I was like, you know what? Okay, I'll just tell what actually happen. So when you get it, it's a little janky. Like, what the hell? That actually makes me so happy because I was watching your story about how you're like the duct tape queen and how you use duct tape to like hold. your TV at home and how you like a wine glass like everything you have a drawer of duct tape and

you're like this is not a bit this is real life what that's what do you get sponsored by duct tape oh i i mean any day now yeah i'm getting like the weirdest people wanting to sponsor me and i'm like i'm like i don't you know it's all the diet stuff i'm like okay i get it i'm like i get it let's back off you know that's no the diet stuff is always what um that was like the first thing to be in my inbox when i came off the bachelor it was like the flat tummy tea and the diet tea and all of that like they're they just love their instagram ads it's not you duct tape that would be major like right duct tape if you're listening i am available for three instagram stories mr duckt if you're listening we will do a swipe up for duct tape so when you get your give

know the candy in it is janky it almost like makes i i love the gift more now because of the story and i still get candy and a gift out of it oh my gosh you're so sweet thank you i was just so proud like i know you wanted it for so long and then you got on and not only did you get on but you want it just shows like you just this is what people keep saying like asking me like what's my takeaway from all this i'm like you just can't give up like i've been in this business for a long time and and i didn't give up and then it happened you know You wanted this, what, five years ago? Yeah.

And you just, like, held on and eventually got it. And you won. So it's like, I was just really proud. I was like, go, you got this. Thank you. And now, I mean, I know you over Instagram and now this podcast, but I'm also proud of you for getting the acknowledgement that you deserve because I'm just, I'm like, come on. Let's keep her going. Like, you got to keep you.

You are so funny. And, like, in the most pleasant way, there's just something about your delivery. with things that like you could say awful awful things and i would still find like it was pleasant oh thank you i well i always try to punch in not out i don't like putting others like it's just not you know it's not me to make fun of others i mean yeah i mean i do sometimes you know but you know what i always i think it's always funnier to like poke fun of yourself first and did you ever see joan rivers documentary a piece of art no but wow

I would like to the stylist the stylist for the bachelor used to be really good friends with her and styled her you would actually really like it you would really like it because there's so much about it that's good and she always said like you can't make fun of others if you won't make fun of yourself first

and I feel like you you do that too because how can you you know if you can't poke fun of yourself you can't expect others to be okay with poking fun at them so I and I just always think it's i i think it's more funny you know and less hurtful when it's about you i i agree i have well and you know some people and i i don't know if this was for you but it i actually um i mean there's so many people that humor helps them cope with certain things and in your bio doesn't it say

something about your forest gump leg braces yes i grew up wearing leg braces like forest gump so was it was comedy in your because your brother seems funny too was comedy in your family or was comedy something that helped you cope and tell me about that growing up yeah so okay first off it's definitely my family my family is not the type to like we'll cry if something's wrong i mean please i've cried now on every freaking into the first interview i haven't cried on you know whatever emotional person but we use comedy to get through everything i mean if there's a death or if we're in physical pain like we make jokes but so most people who don't know when i was six i was diagnosed with a bone disease and so I had to wear leg braces which you know when your biggest insecurity is outside your

body for the world to see I mean you have to develop a humor fast you know because everyone could see it so if you can't make a joke about it first then the other kids will so yeah I think that and also just my my parents are funny they don't even mean to be funny they're just like this Jewish Brooklyn couple you know that are just so funny and they don't mean to be but but But it's definitely, that's just how we cope. We don't, we're not cry. I mean, we're criers, but we're not, we don't like to sit in depression. That's actually, I've always said, like, I love humor and I love making people laugh and I love laughing.

And I've always said to myself, it's not something I use as like a mechanism. But when you put it that way, I'm like, wait, I actually do. That is how I deal with things. I'm not doing it as like a, oh, I'm, you know, I don't know how to explain it. the way you just said it made me understand that I actually do use it as a coping mechanism in a way where yeah like it's it's actually helped me through so much and it like brings me out of a dark place if I'm like having anxiety and laughter is like I mean who doesn't like to laugh last night wait this can be my confession I'm I'm actually embarrassed to say this out loud because I'm like

I don't really like to admit if I like get high but I'd did last night um i had a couple of weed gummies left over from california in my bag i didn't oh my god am i going to get arrested why oh because you bring it out in the plane yeah but i didn't i forgot frank we need the shovel at the back oh god frank frank help us don't tell jason frank get here now check with frank before i release this podcast if so if he says no we'll edit the sound and we'll say I got wheat gummies from a very reliable source from the government. You found it in your drawer.

You don't know how it got there. Didn't put it there. Didn't buy it on Jason. Yeah. It was for sure, Jason, that stoner. But last night, I was like, Jason had to Zoom with his college buddies. And anytime he does that, I'm like, oh, God, here we go. Because they, like, freaking shotgun beers and, like, think they're 21 again.

And they're, like, all screaming. like, we're like being bros. And so I like had a little half of a week on me. And I sat up for like, I'm not kidding, probably four hours straight on TikTok. And I'm not, it could have been longer. It definitely wasn't a shorter amount of time. And I like, like, die, like tears streaming down my face laughing. And I was sending my girlfriends all these hilarious videos.

And I was like not okay, like wheezing like my, like the. like not okay laughing and this morning they're all responding to me and they're like yeah that's pretty funny and like I went and watched them back and they actually weren't that funny like they were like kind of funny but I just it made me realize I was on another planet last night and I don't do that very often right I say I don't I never get high anymore like in colleges all the time but now definitely more a drinker but um those that was such those like I stopped smoking because I stopped laughing so much like i would i'd be like taking a nap and i'm like all right eat i'm like okay these two things i could do fine on my own you know but i miss those that you must have had so much

fun that is such a that's like what it should be for is to like sit and laugh for four hours i had the best time i actually looked at myself in the mirror and like held my cheeks because they were burning and like laughed and i just looked at myself and said like you're so ridiculous right now but this is so much fun yeah i mean that's not a embarrassing. I think that's great. Everyone should be able to sit alone for four hours on jason. Find out on Jason's drugs. Just so high on Jason's drugs. We really threw him under the bus. We're putting out dick pics from him. We're getting him arrested. Hey, he said the blueprint. So I'm just trying to like embrace his lifestyle right now. We're just making him fun, you know. Well, he's from New York,

right? He is. He's from Buffalo. Yeah. And where did he go to college? Where did he go to college? Geneseo. Oh, okay. Yeah, I could see those boys drink lots of beer. Yeah, yeah. It's like his favorite thing is like football Sundays and shotgunning a beer. And sometimes I'm like, are you going to grow out of this? Or is this like Sunday thing that we're doing?

I don't think he's wrong. I think that's like a thing. Yeah. I like try and act like I'm so mature. Like I'm the adult in the relationship. No, he's definitely the adult. I'm like the idiot. Okay.

At least for you who likes to drink, isn't it better that you're doing someone who also likes to drink than someone who's not a drinker? Yeah. I mean, my last relationship, which I think everybody knows, he definitely didn't want to partake in a casual beverage or playing games with me. And that's like my favorite thing to do. And yeah, so now, like last night, we drank a bottle of wine and played Monopoly and we made bets on it. Like, I had to, I didn't do it, but the bet was that I had to get naked and run across my backyard and touch the fence and come back. And you lost and you should have done it?

Yeah, because Rosemary, my neighbor, I just feel like she's like up, maybe, like looking on her window and I would feel so embarrassed if Rosemary saw me naked running and touching a fence. Caitlin, you know you have to do it. I know. I'm never one like I will always stand up to a bet I will never back down I'm just like waiting for Jason to bring it up because I'm like I gotta do it I'm just I'm gonna wait till Rosemary's out of town okay fine but then we all want to know that you followed through yeah okay I'll do like like not an Instagram video because that would be taken off the internet immediately but but like a follow up yeah and you could be like for those who know no you know because if they didn't listen to this podcast then they don't deserve to know the backstory No, they don't. I did it. I'll only do it on my Octavine Instagram page.

Okay, perfect. I wish on Instagram you could do like, oh, I guess you could. You know how you can pin like something on your Instagram story and it'll move with you? Oh, like a black bar? Yeah. Yes. That'd be so funny. As your account gets banned and then it's my fault.

And then I lose all of me. I should never have been friends with her. I knew it. That's okay. Well, I'll blame myself. I was, hey, it was my bet. It was my bet. Okay, so I'm on a big me time kick. I like to unwind, relax as much as I can when I get a spare moment. And a big part of me time is taking care of my hair these days. And thanks to head and shoulders, that's been super easy. So head and shoulders is packed full of argon oil and vitamin E plus so many other ingredients that are good for your scalp and hair. Actually, Emma, who does my hair and makeup when I'm in L.A. She was telling me that products with vitamin E for your hair are the, best ones to get. So I love my hydrating scalp serum. I literally just take a bit in my hand, work it through my root to tip, and I know it's protecting my head from the dry winter, which now that I'm back in Nashville is a real problem. But with head and shoulders, I can look Zoom call ready on top and pantless on the bottom. You guys all know I do that. With so many products

to choose from, there is a product for everyone on your list this holiday season. I know it's a big hit for some stocking stuffers. I've been dying to try soothing leave on scalp cream. And I had to put it aside to send in a little care package to my sister, but I went ahead and used it myself. So might have to get another one. Headed shoulders makes your daily routine that much better. So pick some up today and join me in the Healthy Skelp Club. Now back to Off the Vine with Caitlin Bristow. Okay, I have a quick game for you.

Okay, great. It's because I feel like so many people want to get to know you better. and I have to, before we get into the game or before I let you go, I can't say it because it's in my brain right now. When you were like trolling the trolls about your outfit that looked like the poop or the couch or everything, like how many people died at you hiding on the couch? Yeah, that was the funniest one. That was like the one that people like when that and the Pinocchio one with the nose. Yeah, you've really committed. Is that, that's on your actual feed, right? Like people can go watch that if they're listening.

It's on my wall. Someone told me today it's no longer called a wall, is it not? Oh, I call it a wall. What is it called? A grid? I don't know. Someone's like, it's no longer called the wall. I was like, thank you.

Yeah, you're going to get a lot of those. So what do they say it is? They didn't even give you the right answer? No, no. So here's the thing. I misspell everything. Like, I'm not good with grammar. The amount of people that are so, they don't, they don't mean bad.

They want to help. Like, oh, you miss. I'm like, well, I can't do anything about it. But now, you know, it's too late for me. But if that's the worst, I guess, the police, grammar police are strong on the internet. Okay, so because I feel like people want to get to know you better, we're just going to do rapid fire.

So first thing that comes to your mind when I ask you these questions, okay? Okay, go. Okay, go to sleeping position. Oh, side, like with my hands by my head. Oh, like kind of out of the cartoons. Like, that's a cartoon? Why, how do you sleep? No.

I said that. And I was like, that was so stupid. I feel like the cartoons they lay on the back with their arms cross. Oh, no, that's how I sleep. Oh, that is? That's what I, that's how I sleep. Jason's like being a vampire. Yeah.

Yes. Yeah, I sleep like that. You can't, you know, I can't. Yeah, I can, but I switch to my side too. Okay, do you sleep naked? Yes. Oh, interesting. I have too many nightmares that everyone has seen me naked.

Oh, I don't care. If anyone wants to see me naked, you can. Call me my phone. Are you having fans only? No, but if anyone wants to become a member, I will join. I got like a ring, you know, to watch my apartment. And then Frank was like, you know, just be careful. Like there's hackers and they could see you naked.

I'm like, please. Like, someone. Appreciate this. Somebody, anybody. Absolutely. Welcome. Okay. Favorite Disney movie?

Oh, well, um, because Aladdin. I don't know. I don't really, you know. I love a lot. Biggest irrational fear. Irrational fear? I don't really have any fear. I know.

I guess everyone hating me. Is that irrational? Not really, but my, like, everyone knows my irrational fear is birds. Like, I can't watch Home Alone, too, because a pigeon lady. Right. I mean, like, I hate cockroaches, but it's, like, a normal fear. It's not irration. Yeah.

But I don't know if hating me is irrational either, because it's not like it keeps me up. up. I just, as a comedian, you so crave that approval of an audience. Of course. Yeah. I get that. I think people feel that way just being on the internet. Everyone has an audience now and you crave that approval. Right. And not everyone should have an audience. Some people should not have an audience. Like some of my uncles on Facebook should not have an audience. Everybody's got an uncle story, hey? Yeah. I mean, especially with politics. I'm like, oh, my. my God, we need to take away Facebook from these people immediately.

Yeah. Oh, wait. Everybody calls those people on the internet, Cairns. What is the guy version of that, Mark? Chad or a Jeff, right? Chad. Chad. Chad's more like a college douche, though.

Yeah, that's what I think of, like someone who wears, like, loafers. Yeah, that's a Chad. What's like, Karen, though? I don't know. I think we, I think they'll stay with Chad, you know. I don't want us change and getting people getting confused, you know. That's true. that's true we'll stick to chat okay um do you prefer kids or dogs dogs okay i feel that um

what is your biggest pet peeve um pet peeve just like miserable people like i hate being and look it's not if you're going through a hard time that's something else but people will like just constantly just downers it's not fun to be around that's fair that's fair okay what's yours um Oh, static. You're like, I don't mind assholes, but static. Oh, my God. I really, truly hate static. And, like, is one of my biggest stuffies that, like, bothers me.

Or, like, it's, like, almost like nails down a chalkboard for me. Like, static really bothers me. Yeah, I could do that. you know when you people chew with their mouths open and you see the food that also really bothers me do you okay i i get fired up even talking about it or thinking about it but the sound of people chewing does that bother you yes especially if it's something like tuna and you have to hear that i won't do you know what i'm talking about that sound yeah tuna i just don't want to see anyone ever eating tuna no i think i think the worst people on the

planet are the people that eat they bring tuna sandwiches on a plane there's a special place in health for those people there is a special place in health for them i was actually going to say that what about somebody eating tuna on a plane with their mouth open oh my god well i'd have to kill them and call frank to bury the body and i'd be there to help i should put it out now that like frank's not like this mops or guy he's like this little dorky like sweet man he's not burying any bodies But I feel like for the purpose of this podcast, we've got to commit to the character. Yeah, you have to commit. Yeah, Frank has been, you know, we've painted a picture at the beginning.

You worked for the government and he helps us hide bodies. Yeah. And Jason is sending dick picks and hides drugs and Caitlin's drawers. Yep. It's his new career move is being a drug dealer. This comes out two hours later. Robin and Caitlin now single. Headlines, been there.

Okay, last one. What would you want written on your tombstone? Um, um, um, Oprah sent me wine. Or like, she made me laugh or something like she, yeah, something where like she made more people laugh than cry or something corny where I know that if I left this earth with that, I think I'll be okay at any age dying. Oh my God. That's, who's the coolest person you talk to out of this? Like Oprah. You!

You! No, no, no reason. You don't. understand you don't understand we can call frank right now i've been so excited about this like i keep talking about it i mean i was too i was literally like excited all day being like oh my gosh i can't believe she said yes to podcast i'm not doing many podcasts because like i don't know i'm trying to spread things out so i don't get like people don't get sick of me or did but when you ask i was like yes absolutely 100%.

Because again, I've been listening to this. And you know, when you listen to me for so long, and you're like, oh, I wonder if I'll ever be a guest, you know, and then here it is. Not only are you a guest, but I'm like, so I guess this is a good time to ask if you wanted to co-host with me forever? Because we're there now.

No, because we're going to be single and fat and losers if we keep making out. Oh, my God. I feel like people's number one question to you is probably like, what are your goals for 2021? Is that what everyone asked? Yeah, and I say nothing. I'm like, I'm not doing it. I'm just not. Every interview, that's what people ask.

And I'm like, first off, like, okay, yeah, we know. That's the question. But I'm clearly not going to do it because too many people think my list is the reason why 2020 was doomed as if I had that much power. As if. Totally your fault. Yeah. But yeah, no less, whatever happened. But I have to tell you, after these last two weeks, a lot of my things on that list came true. See, that, because you're a believer in manifesting, right? Yeah.

Because I'm manifesting for you to be at the Kardashians Christmas. It's possible. It is possible. That's the crazy part. It's possible. The only problem is they make you sign like an NDR, I'm sure, where you can't talk. And I'm like such a blabber mouth. Yeah.

So it'd be very difficult. I mean, I'd take one for the team and not talk, but do you know, like, what's the point of going if I can't then report back? Well, would they be recording it? Who? The other show is off the air. Oh, yeah. Shit.

Oh, that's devastating. Yeah. You know what? I'm trying to invite and then that can be like the thing that you said no. Can you imagine? That would be so something I would do. I'd be like, look, I just wanted the, but that's how I feel about everyone's birthday and like wedding and everything.

I just want to be invited. don't actually want to show up. I mean, I'm going to be, I mean, you're a wedding party, so I have to. Um, but obviously I'll talk shit about you behind you back the whole time. Like, ugh, can you imagine Kayla? Can you mean Caitlin are making us wear these shoes? That's, I actually want, okay, Jason's not going to be down for this because he's kind of traditional, but I actually want to just tell people to wear whatever they want to the wedding in the wedding party, everything. Like, just wear whatever you want. I mean, that would be lovely, but there's no way he's going for that. Yeah. I know.

I want like, like literally if you want to wear a cute little, like romper or sweatsuit, I get it. I think going for a certain color, like if you're like, all right, everyone just wear blue and then wear something you're comfortable with. That's always the best. When you make someone wear a dress, like a style dress, because someone like you and me have such different bodies that one style would not look good on both of us. That's why I just want, you know, you and my other bridesmaids to feel comfortable.

It's going to be funny when I actually do put you in my life. it would be sad now if you didn't have me the same thing i just want the invite i don't actually show up um frank and i want to have a halloween wedding so that we can like dress up as um because i want to wear black obviously on my wedding and most people will be like oh you can't but if it's a Halloween wedding then i could be more tisha and wear like a black dress fair why do you want to wear black to your wedding because that's just a great color yeah it's just everyone looks like a little you know i'm a curvy girl so black's a very flattering white is not good for a girl i look like a marshmallow you know i'm not we do not yeah screw the traditions you should wear a hot black

pantsuit yeah i mean i don't think we're going to get married but if we do i'm wearing black that's it well not after frank loses his job because of this podcast tonight We just ruined two wonderful men's lives from one hour of laughing. But it was worth it. But we got the downloads. I may got 100 new followers. Thank you. Sorry.

It's a career move. You get it. You support it. Yeah. And then last thing before I let you go, I had to talk to you about your business that you were doing before and wanted to know if you're still on the light switching business. Okay, so I'm always like trying, well, you know, so stand up was, yes, I'm an entrepreneur. Stand up was my full-time job before COVID. But once that hit, I had to come up with different things.

So first I tried like a T-shirt business, but no one's buying my T-shirts, right? So then I came up with this brilliant idea. I started an Etsy page where I would paint light switches. And I thought, this is brilliant. Everyone wants a hand-painted light switch. switch right so um one person bought and then wrote please don't send me a light switch switch i just want to be supportive i was like okay yeah it was this guy thomas who lives in i want to say georgia or alabama or something and he's just like a fan and he just wanted to be supportive but like

did not want my light switch and then the other one was this woman natalie in Canada and i didn't take into consideration that to ship a light switch to Canada is like double the price of what I was charging for the light switch. So the business was not successful. But I pushed it for like all eight months of the pandemic. Are you a painter? No. Did you write like funny things on it or you were just painting for you? What was it? What was your masterpiece? Okay. So for hers, I painted a dolphin, but it didn't look like a dolphin. Oh my God. I really need to post what they look like because they're not good.

They're not good. And then I just gave some away because I started picking. I made a bunny. It didn't look like a bunny. I painted a butt crack. Oh, wait. I think I have a picture of the butt crack one because then the light switch. The light switch looked like, let's see, Robin turns me on.

That's what the business was called. Stop it. Yeah. So like I know no one at home can see. But tell me this is not so. So creative. I made, can you see, a butt crack. Genius. You know, it's a butt crack where the light switch was like the duty. Yeah, that's genius. Nobody bought that?

No. Can I, can I buy it up here? Yeah. It's $75. How much did they go for it? It's $600, Kately. So if you want, you know. It is now. It is now. I'm face it. You know what? I'll give you 6.4. Now that guy who didn't take the light switch sure feels like an asshole. Yeah, he's probably like buried way deep down in the DMs now.

Right. You know what you should do? One light switch that says feelings and it's like on or off. Oh, that's easy. No, I'm out of the light switch biz. I'm done. I'm done. I'm trying to, you know, make it here. I'm trying to sell a TV show. Can we put into light switches? no that okay but in your TV show you have to have like a light switch segment oh absolutely especially because when I was trying to explain that on Instagram story people like can you tell us more about this light because I said it so casually because in my mind it was an eight month business that I was really being my heart into and they're like wait what did you do you know that was my reaction

when I found out you did that the light switch like the like you painted light switch covers yeah and And it was called Robin turns me on. You are, I took it off at sea because now that, like, I have so many more followers, I was scared people would buy it. And I don't want to actually be painting light switches. Now you need to, like, send feet pick to people.

Yeah, exactly. Not like, I should send feet pink. Yeah. That's a big business, right? You can make a lot of money. If you're somebody on the internet, people love to see your feet. There are some really big fetish guys out there

who will pay money for your feet. So just saying, this is going to be a bad friendship for both of us. We're going to break each other down. My mom, I started a new business. Remember the girl who won Dancing with the Stars? She told me I should put my feet on the internet. Can you please call your mom and tell her that and then Instagram story it so I can see her reaction?

All right. I will. She was so happy you won. No, there's no way. I know for a fact that she was a Neve fan. no she wasn't she liked you and the ice skater oh i love jo yeah yeah you were her two favorite no that's nice yeah she never even mentioned nev she was just like you too oh well that's nice i always just assume people weren't rooting for me they're rooting for nev

and even i have to like you were what are you talking about okay this is your thing that's your this is on you that's not what the world thing you know what i gotta call my therapist You'll probably stay awake for you at least, you know. As long as she's not on that cough syrup. Okay, I could do this all night. We should probably definitely live in the same city and start a podcast together, maybe buy an apartment together. So, well, look, we're both going to be single in mid-next week when this comes out.

So, you know, we'll revisit this. Caitlin, I just thank you for inviting me on because this was, you think I'm joking with. This was so exciting for me. I was so looking forward to this. that that means everything to me because so is i you are just a real delight i'm so happy i found you and that we forced this friendship absolutely um and if you have like an extra scrunchy laying around you can mail it um send me your address asap i'm sending you wine i know i'm not opra but i'm sending you wine and i'm sending you scrunchies and um once i get engaged

i'm sending you the the will you be my bridesmae maybe Maybe native honor. And I got to write this down. There's a lot to do. I'm going to send you a light switch, a foot picture. I cannot wait. I'm really curious when people listen to this, they're going to be like, what are these two girls talking about?

I think we're going to lose them at some point during this. I mean, they might not be here anymore. I'm not sure. But you know what? I'm having a great time. Me too. All right. Thank you so much for having me on.

Oh, my gosh. honestly any freaking time and if you're ever in Nashville or if I'm ever there and this crazy world is like allowing us to be in the same city we're hanging out and watch tomorrow you get like a like you said I could come

hey I would be thrilled I would be thrilled I would be thrilled um wait was oh yeah and then tell everybody where they can find your light switches and where they can find you on Instagram all right well you get my feed pictures at

Rub me down you can find my Instagram at robinshaw.com and that's for all social media's no Robin Shaw comic R-O-B-Y-N-S-C-H-H-A-L-C-O-M-I-C and the lights switch biz is closed

we are out of business but the duct tape business is fire. The duct tape business is about to take off. Just wait. They do. You come up with, like, the new duct tape. Like, like, duct tape is, like, a universal, like, solid tape. You need to come up with your own tape. Done.

It'll be my feet on, like, print it out on the duct tape. Perfect. Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much for being on. Thank you. Tell Jason, I say hi. Oh, he says hi back with his dick soon. Oh, I'm so excited.

All right. It was so nice officially meeting you, Kately. How nice to meet you. Caitlin, cloud my field, Bristol. Hey, I will never get sick of hearing you say that. Lovely. All right, have a good night. Okay, you do.

Bye. Thanks for listening to Off the Vine with Caitlin Briscoe. Get new episodes every Tuesday exclusively on podcast.1.com, the podcast one app and subscribe on Apple Podcasts. Who's done with OTV?