Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Ruthie Lindsey

Episode Date: April 28, 2020

Today’s Off the Vine guest is renowned speaker, activist, podcast host, social media figure, and author, Ruthie Lindsey! She tells us about her inspiring journey of healing from an accident that broke her neck, punctured her lungs and ruptured her spleen. She explains how she dealt with pain after her recovery that led her down a path to addiction. Today, she inspires others with her positivity about how she learned to live and love again. GEICO – Go to geico.com , and in fifteen minutes you could be saving 15% or more on car insurance BEST FIENDS – Download Best Fiends FREE on the Apple App Store or Google PlaySee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Google Play. That's Friends Without the R Best Fiends. Who's down with OTV? Who's down with OTV? Podcast One presents off The Vine with Caitlin with Bristol. Caitlin is creating a space where girls and gents can feel empowered to be themselves. Get ready for lots of laughs. Taboo topics. filtered advice and wine. Lots of wine. Get ready to shake things up. Here's Caitlin. All right. Welcome to Off the Vine. I'm your host, Caitlin Brous. So today I am sitting down with a speaker, author, podcast host, and such an all-around incredible human being. Her story is very inspirational. It has inspired countless others who find themselves facing challenges

to overcome those obstacles and live a life full of purpose. I can't wait to hear a story and share it with all of you and learn more about her forthcoming memoir. So, please welcome to the podcast Ruthie Lindsay I love your name oh thank you Ruthie is like the sweetest name on the planet and I have to tell you it's my ex one of my ex-boyfriends um when I can't remember how old it was probably like 26 and I used to not like being called babe yeah I just for some reason it made me like cringe now I love it I think it's so cute but at the time I was like bleh don't call me that and so he would always call me babe ruth and it turned into Ruthie.

Stop. Yeah. And so that was his nickname for me for a long time. I was Ruthie. And I always said I was going to name my firstborn daughter Ruthie. Oh. Yeah. And it's okay because it doesn't leave a bad taste in my mouth because I still respect him and think he was an awesome person.

I mean, win win. I love that. I actually, I really love my name too. That's great. My parents gave it to me. So they get all the props. Yeah. I was married and after I got divorced, I was so excited.

I was like, I will never lose Lindsay again. Yeah. I love my name. Yeah. It's great. Ruthie Lindsay. It's just so sweet. I don't know what, yeah.

Anyway, so we were just saying before we started the podcast that we actually met through Ariel Vandenberg, who we adore and love. And she's just such a unique soul. What a dream. She really is. Truly. Her heart, like, she's so beautiful and so freaking hilarious. But her heart is so pure.

It doesn't make any sense. I've never met anyone like her in my life. I know. I always laugh with my best friend Jed that the Lord doesn't give with both hands. Like usually if you're like that much of a babe and that. funny you're going to be a dick yeah and she's somehow I know like literally like hello I know you you defeat the odds it doesn't make sense it doesn't make any sense she's an anomaly truly yeah so special she really is oh I always hate because we live so far apart I mean you you live in Nashville

too and she's over in L.A and I'm just like oh her Instagram stories are a lot and not enough you know um so she she shared your story with me and I was just moved by it. And so I was like, yes, bring her on my podcast, especially you live in Nashville. This is perfect. And we're also talking before speaking, okay, you like your name. Tell me you like your height. I love it. Okay, good. Because short people always want to be tall. Tall people always want to be short. And I was just saying, I always wanted to be 5.11. That was like my dream height. How tall are you? I'm right above six foot. It's just so, I find it so like powerful. And you're like just this beautiful woman who's just like, Like, I don't know. I always wanted to be tall. But I wish I loved being short because then I would love, you know, just be who you are, Caitlin. I preach it all the time.

You know, I'd be like, eh. No, it's funny because people will be like, whoa, was that like really hard growing up? And I'm like, no. Stop putting words to my mouth. It was actually, I think because I grew up in this tiny, tiny town. And my brothers, I have older brothers. They were really tall. Yeah.

And I wasn't picked on. I think if I had been, because I was like, you know. Why would you be? Well, usually people that are six foot tall. Did you show confidence? I guess. I mean, it was just normal to me, you know? And all of my friends, like we'd all grown up.

I was from the tiniest town. So we've all known each other forever. It wasn't like, it just wasn't really. Where did you grow up? I grew up in St. Francisville, Louisiana, the tiniest. Oh, that's where your little accent comes from. Because it's sometimes like, there's certain words. Like you said lime and you said lamb.

And I was like, what is lamb? And then I figured it out and I was like, oh, that's so cute. Wait, there are certain words that are so bad. One time my girlfriend from the West Coast was in town, and we were supposed to, I'm going to spell it because I'll say it ridiculous. We were going to this house show and everyone was supposed to bring up P-I-E. A pie. Yeah. You say P-A.

And she goes, oh, shit, we forgot our P-I-E. And I go, pa, why? And she literally pulled over. She was like, oh, my dear God. What did you just say? And I was like, oh, wow. That's so, I love it. It's just those where, and I'll say like wedding.

Oh, yeah. So there's just, but otherwise I really don't have. When did you move out of your small town? When I was 17 when I graduated. Okay. Yeah. You were done. You're ready to go.

You love it, but you're ready to go. I do. My whole family is still down the air and they're precious, but it's a different world. Yeah. I mean, my dances were segregated. Oh, okay. Crazy. Yeah.

Yeah. It's a small town. And there's some beautiful, beautiful souls. Yeah. Amazing people. But, I mean, yeah, I don't see myself ever living here. Yeah, that's okay. Same with me.

I mean, what was the population of yours? I'm so bad at that. I don't even know. We had one high school, though. Yeah. Oh, we had two. We had two. Mine was like 20,000, but it's grown.

Oh, ours is way, way, way. Really? Oh, we had two red lights. Oh, okay. Yeah. Like, no Walmart. I mean, it's teeny, teeny, teeny. But the most unique people come out of those places, you know?

Oh, characters. Yes. In South Louisiana, it's just filled with characters. Really? that's normal and you're like, whoa. Yeah. It's not. Yeah.

Then you get to the big cities. I mean, you're like, oh, holy shit. Yeah, it's another world for sure. So I would love to start at the beginning of your story because your journey to where you are now began at a really young age, right? Yeah. So can you walk me through kind of the accident that happened to you that has now led you to change your life entirely? Yeah. So, yeah, like I said, grew up in this tiny little town and, you know, we had hard things just like everyone else.

but I thought my life was great and kind of had everything was kind of normal. And when I was a senior in high school, I pulled out in front of an ambulance and he hit me on my car door going about 65. And so I broke ribs. They punctured my lungs, my lungs collapsed, my spleen ruptured. And then I broke the top two vertebrae in my neck, C1 and C2. I had a 5% chance to live and a 1% chance to walk. But it was an ambulance driver. Like he helped save me.

Wow. So if you're going to, like, get hit by something. Look at, I can't believe you, like, that's the positivity that you have that you're going to, but that's, Kay, that is so wild to me that you had a 1% chance of walking. Well, it gets even crazier. Okay, go. It's literally gets crazy, which is insane. But at the time, like I was on life support, it was my dad's birthday when I was the senior as November 2nd. And I was so lucky I had youth good health on my side.

I left the hospital after about a month. But back then, like after I was stable and off of life support, they used wire back then for spinal cord fusion. So they took bone out of my hip and put into my neck and wrapped it with wire. That was just the standard practice back then. And, you know, after about a month left, had a neck brace for like four to six months. I don't even remember. But I, how old were you? I was just turned 17.

Oh, 17. Yep. I was a senior. Okay. And I literally went back to school after Christmas. I cheered, tallest cheerleader that ever existed, cheered at our basketball game, last basketball game. I graduated on time.

I mean, I was very disassociated. It was like I was, it was almost like it happened to someone else. I would talk about it almost in third person. And looking at me, you'd never know. Like all my scars are hidden by clothing and my hair. And all of my scars are actually from surgery. I didn't crazy enough. Like my car door literally was in the passenger seat.

And I have no, like everything was. shattered and like by looking at me in the you know you wouldn't even know and so I went to college you know there were like I was very again very disassociated I love storytelling so it was fun to tell the story like it would had happened to someone else I would show up and smile I had numbing techniques that I was just I was surviving you know like I was a compulsive overeater for sure and I like would hide all that and then I'd show up and smile and be sweet and kind you know I grew up in the south where everything was just like show up and be pretty and sweet and kind. And I didn't know how to process emotions at all. Yeah. So I stuffed them with food. But I graduated. I was offered a job

in Nashville. And I literally was like, well, I don't have to have a resume. This is great. I came here in another life. I like was a part of the church. I did youth ministry. Yeah. And that feels like 80 billion lifetimes in which it was. But it brought me to Nashville. And about a year into being here, I met my first boyfriend, which my parents were like so thrilled. They were convinced. I liked girls. And I'm like, I wish. What a dream.

That would be amazing. My mom was so thrilled. He had a pain. And so. And we were so earnest and sweet and precious little idiots and tried so hard to be good, quote unquote, questions and felt guilty about sex and got married 10 months after we met. Okay. Well, I mean, that works for some people. It does.

I mean, but it was so wrapped up in shame. Right. Just craziness. You hadn't, again, processed feelings or. It was literally because of shame. So we got married. He was a musician, precious. We were excited to start our lives, bought a house in East Nashville, and I went on tour with him.

And literally about a year into that, all of a sudden, I was on Hillsborough Road. I walked out in front of like smoothie keying in Starbucks and this shooting pain went up my neck. I know, like debilitating shooting pain that felt like I remember thinking either had been shot or I'd been struck by lightning. It was like a beautiful day. It was that crazy. It like dropped me to my knees. I felt like I was going to pass out or, you know, crazy migraine left over. Did not understand what had happened.

Started going to all these different doctors, tons of doctors. And every time I'd go to see them, they'd have me do an MRI. and the film would come back and there was this like black spot on my film and they go oh that's just the magnet in the machine interacting with the wire from your fusion everything around it looks fine started me on therapies nothing helped started me on narcotics because I was you know and excruciating yeah and desperate to not hurt so I took everything they recommended long story short I all together ended up living in my bed for about five years what because I was in just so much pain and taking all these drugs which narcotics are not for crying pain you know it's for a cute pain you just need more and more so I was just a shell of myself and when was this was in my 20 so I got married when I was 23 yeah I mean I'm up to that point like I'd get sore if I dance too much right otherwise nothing and this just came out of nowhere and just was debilitating and finally um after about five years um I mean five years is said eating my feelings watching every reality show that ever existed on planet Earth and taking every drug.

I mean, I had a baggie just of drugs, you know. And can you imagine how hard that would be for a partner? No. I mean, he was just trying his best. And, you know, I was not myself. And I couldn't show up as a partner. I couldn't show up as a friend, as a sister, as an aunt, as anything. I was just surviving.

You're a shell, like you said, yeah. Yeah. And super disassociated. And finally, this one doctor was like. Like, I can't tell you what's going on until I see what's under that spot. And basically, a $50 X-ray showed that one of the wires had broken and pierced my brainstem. Oh, my gosh. And I'm the only human that's ever had that.

And they were like, well, I'm lucky because at the time, all they told me was you shouldn't be walking. If we don't get it out, you won't be walking. Surgery itself is super high risk of paralysis. But since then, which I'm so thankful, they didn't tell me all the details. I shouldn't be breathing, speaking, brain function, anything. Like, everyone's my brain stuff. Right. And this is now the second tragic event that's happened in your life that you're being told that you won't walk or talk.

Yeah, it was crazy. It got even more insane. Like, that time was just super traumatic. Like, a few weeks later, my dad, who we called Papa. Yeah. Just this, like, larger than life, six, four. booming like smile that you know just spread across his face like the kindest eyes you've ever seen yeah he um when we were children every time he'd leave my brothers and i he'd say i love you so much

remember your manners and always look out for the little guy and that was his like thing is to look for the people that everyone else would miss you know and to enter in with them and um so he had told my mom and my godfather he was coming to see me to tell me he'd sell our farm so i could have this surgery because insurance it was a pre-existent it was a pre-existent injury and insurance wasn't going to cover it and we don't know exactly what happened he had stopped to see our Amish friends he literally plowed our garden with a mule I'm not kidding I swear to you wait that just took a second to register really cloud our garden with a mule we had Amish friends yeah and he had stopped to see them he'd go every few months and it was like the halfway stop to

Nashville and I don't know exactly what happened but we got a phone call that somehow he had fallen down a flight of stairs. No. And ended up passing of brain damage. Oh my gosh. You know, it's so crazy. I just went to the bathroom before I came in here. Y'all have the cologne that he wore, which I haven't seen in like a decade.

It's that lime, that green bottle of lime. I sprayed it and I just got teary on your toilet. I'm like, oh my gosh. Wait, I've like got his after shave. Y'all have his after shave. What? Like, why is that in there? I have not laid.

that? I've literally, I have no idea. It's not a, it's not like a spray for like bathroom. It's a aftershave. I'm like speechless from everything that's happening right now. I got so teary. I'm like, what in the world? I like spray it on me and I smell like, oh no. Oh my gosh. Wait, that's wild. I know. Well, do you believe in that kind of stuff happening? Oh, girl. I'm so woo-woo. Yeah, okay. Listen, I am here for all the things. I get real weird. No, me too. Me too. real weird. So that is, in me, I'm like, well, that is. It's so precious.

It's such a clear sign. Like, I mean, it was on his birthday that I had that wreck. Yeah. And I'm pretty positive that I died in it. I've actually had a lot of energy workers and people say, you know, you've died. Yeah. And I'm like, yeah. And even my best friend that was in the wreck with me in high school, he was like,

Ruthie, you were hanging over the window, the wheel and didn't make a sound. Didn't it, it didn't seem like you were breathing for like. three to five minutes and then all of a sudden you just started gurgling and it's weird like when I've done like my chart when they do readings for um astrology I have so many of the characteristics of a November 2nd birthday now really wait like you were reborn is that what you're saying like I died and came back what it's crazy so anyway my dad I'm so speechless I know it's crazy but yes go on he um it was just like a massive loss it wasn't just a loss for me and my family but our whole community yeah you know like he was such a presence it sounds like

just this precious and what was tears where it like oh it makes me cry every time it i'd never get over it but my godfather ended up setting up this medical fun and my dad's honor because he knew that's like his last wish was to make sure i had this surgery because i was a ticking time bomb and basically we start getting and I'm from a very poor community and I didn't grow up with much at all at all um I didn't even know until much later like how little we actually had but right um you don't know any different yeah and my life was I felt you know it felt great um out of nowhere these checks start coming in and people would be like your dad bought my prom dress your dad sent me on my senior trip your dad fixed my roof your dad paid my first year of tuition

your dad pays my rent I mean on and on and on and my godfather who ran the bank will be like yeah he would take out loans so that he could help people I know so like his dream was to help me and like because he had loved people so well he did like this insane amount of money was raised for me to have the surgery because my dad wow because he was just helping so many people along the way of his life yeah wow So then I've never heard a story like this It's insane but it's also There's so much like grace over all of it I mean The support like our community here End up putting on a benefit And raising like $20,000

And we were just so blown away by people I mean like you're seeing right now with a tornado Like people show up in droves And are just so incredible and so supportive And I ended up being pursued by doctor Like they get off on being the first one to do a surgery. They, like, love that shit. Yeah, I watched. I watch Grace.

Yeah. So I, you know, it was so hard no one had ever done it before. Yeah. And so it was so hard to know who to choose. And that's up to you to choose which surgeon does this for you? Yeah. Of course. And, and that, so that surgery was giving you the risk of what was the, what was the risk? I mean, but if I didn't, it was a sure thing that I would be paralyzed or, I mean, who knows? was brain dead or die, you know, so it was like that, that's the only option is to get the wire out, but we didn't know what the surgery would cause, you know? Right. And what kind of damage would come if I would come out walking, if I would be a lot. I mean, we didn't know.

What are your feelings like, so you picked a surgeon. Yeah, I ended up choosing Mayo. I chose this like top neurologist, top orthopedic surgeon who really wanted to do it. And there was like a nine-hour surgery. And they ended up, they removed the wire. They, just the wire that was in my brainstem. There's still a lot, still wrapped around my spinal cord. But they took the piece out that was in my brain, took bone from my other hip, and then they refused it with like six titanium screws. They don't use wire anymore. And, you know, I'll spary all the details of that time, but it was super traumatic.

And that surgery was so hard. And I just wanted my dad. Of course. And it was pain. I would have told you I lived at like a nine before that. And then I was like, just kidding. I had no idea that that pain could be that severe. And what was hard is I had been taking so many narcotics up to that point.

And so they couldn't get my pain under control because, you know, my tolerance. Your tolerance was insane. And doesn't that affect how, like going under for that long of a time? I'm sure. I don't even know. And honestly, that whole time is just, I was not in my body. I was completely checked out and I wasn't able to handle. I mean, I literally, my brothers and my ex stepped in and my brothers are both in the, like, medical field and were so helpful because I could not function at all, like, not able.

Well, no. And what were your feelings going? Were you just numb going into the surgery? I was terrified. Yeah, yeah. I was terrified. I would kind of wave between, even like with my dad's passing, I think I would go. between being like a little girl like crying out like I just wanted my daddy you know to being

completely stone face checked out like my eyes there was it was vacant like nothing this is all coming from like my friends that were around me my best friend and and then I would also just move into just utter weeping fear just out of control like I don't know what to do yeah you know I think I kind of just went between those three things and in that severe of like a situation and that kind of surgery like and going through the trauma that you've already been through and the emotional trauma of losing your dad everything you would think your body would kind of give up in that situation like because of how gosh our bodies are so amazing seriously so strong and so resilient and so capable and at that point I really thought my body was against me yeah thought it hated me and that's That's been such a beautiful part of the journey of being like, oh, this beautiful body. No kidding. That was just holding me and loving me and protecting me and calling me home to myself to heal. Right.

Like it was always loving me so beautifully. But I was, I really hated, and I called it it, you know? And like, no, I would only call my body she because I'm like, she loves me so much. Wow. But yeah, that whole time was crazy. And I was so lucky. I left with another neck brace. for another like four to six months

with the wire in my hand walking after about a week and a half and it was interesting I ended up getting really severe neuropathic nerve damage so like my right side just felt feels like it's on fire and the best way I know describe this

I don't know have you ever experienced fire ants you're not from here so I don't know red ants it's intense it's crazy Like it literally feels like fire. Yeah. And one time my right foot was standing in a pile of red ants and I didn't know it. My brother yelled at me to move and I ended up having just tons and tons and tons of fire ant bites up my right leg because I didn't notice it because it's always on fire. And I was disassociated.

So it was both and. But that's how severe it was. So I actually walked straight back to my bed and lived in my bed for two more years because I was in just as much pain. It was just a different type of pain, and I left Mayo even on more narcotics. I was on the highest level of fentanyl patch that they have. They give to, like, dying cancer patients. I was on, you know, morphine, hydrocodone. I mean, just a Ziplog bag filled with drugs, you know, and completely dependent on them.

And I, after about two years, I ended up catching this crazy bacterial infection called C. diff in the hospital. Oh, on. But honestly, it was like the best. best thing that happened to me. It was so horrible. You literally shit your pants nonstop. People die from it because it's you're so touch. It's insane. But, but it ended up hitting, like I ended up hitting a wall like you wouldn't believe my, my ex was on tour in Australia. He just couldn't deal with it anymore, which I don't blame him. I couldn't take care of myself. I kept ended up in the emergency room because I was so sick. And so finally, I told my family how bad it was

ended up having to move back home and I moved back into my brother's house who was like my other parent I literally slept in his room until he graduated high school yeah and I had a complete I mean I love calling it my breakthrough now not my breakdown but I like didn't sleep for so long I knew my marriage was coming to an end I wanted to die the idea of not waking up felt like that would be the greatest gift because I just felt like there was no hope you know if I was like if I'm going to hurt like this and it's just going to get worse and worse, I don't want to be here. And my family, they were so incredible and basically they were going to send me to get help. And I cared so much about what people thought of me, so much, that literally I was like, you're not sending me away.

And the next day I started waning myself off of all of the drugs because I didn't want people to think that I didn't want people to know. because I cared so freaking much and whatever it took like that fear that insecurity it ended up being the best thing because getting off of those drugs was the best thing that I could have that is ever done I mean that is not easy to do especially after with chronic pain after everything you've been through after for five years being on them but that's how bad it was it was literally like I will die I want to die yeah and Well, people, I mean, I always think about situations where, I mean, people feel that way just going through a breakup in general. Yes. You know, like there are people out there who have such a bad breakup that feel like that is the end for them. Yes. And then you think about everything else you went through on top of that. It's like, you are so freaking strong.

You are. I'm just like, I've never been so speechless in a podcast. I usually have so much to say. And I'm just like, mind-blown listening to your story and just so curious how you did that and how you turned it around. Thank you. Yeah. It's been a wild journey. And, you know, I don't know, I, at the time, I had so much support and my family was so incredible. And I remember my brother telling me, he was like, babe, you can lay in your bed and hurt all the time or you can, like, get up and be with people and try to love people and serve people and live and hurt. Like, those are your two options. Yeah. And that sounds so basic, but I was like, oh, and, you know, at first, the day I started winning myself off, I made the, this like list and I was like at eight o'clock you get out of the bed and you're not allowed to get in the bed until it's dark and I had to re-learn how to live like it was literally like 805 make

the bed brush your teeth eat get up and literally it was like going through motions and it was I'm like what do people do all day I literally I had no idea and I was so miserable and I was so numb and I was just well you were in a like state of depression and numbness and my god I you know like just trauma i just it's it's crazy hearing you say like you made a list like that alone is so you're you were so motivated to turn your life around which again i keep thinking about even situations that i've been in where i think i would rather just not get up anymore if i and that you know what and i get that yeah but i just it's so crazy that everything that you've been through like my mind is can't even i my brain can't even like access what you're telling

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Off the Vine with Caitlin Bristow. Okay, so you're making a list and going about your day and how long did it take you to... So four months to get off of everything. But after a few weeks, you know, so precious and so beautiful is as my brain started coming back, I started sleeping again. I started getting off these narcotics.

All of a sudden, I think some higher version of me came in, my higher self, or maybe it was my guides or angels again, I'm very woo-woo and believe in all the things. At the time, I didn't know any of this. I felt completely abandoned by God. I felt totally alone and isolated. But something came in and told me to make a list of the things I'd love to do before I had paint. Yeah. And so I ended up writing out this list. So it was like, you love sunsets.

I was like, no, I don't. Like, yes, you do, you love sunsets. So I wrote that down. I'm like, you love flowers, you love collecting flowers, you love smelling flowers, you love giving flowers, you know. And I'm like, I don't know, no, I don't. And it's like, yes, you do, you love flowers. So I wrote that down.

And then I wrote, you love dancing. So you have to remember at this point, I hadn't done anything that I thought would make my pain worse for seven years. Right. And so I did nothing because everything to me made my pain worse. So I love dancing. I look like I would listen to like alternative. And I do listen to that or like country.

No. I listen to the dirtiest hip hop you've ever heard in all your life. And I love dancing the most wretched. Like I love it. And I had not danced in like seven years. And I'm like, you do. You love dancing. And then I wrote, you love people.

And I remember like having this almost dark like maniacal laugh come out. I'm like, I don't give a shit about people. And I was like, yes, you do. You love people. And so I ended up each day I would make myself do something on that list. And I had friends, you know, one friend's husband was dying of colon cancer. Like get out, like get out of your own way and go be with them. Like get over yourself.

You know, there are people around you suffering. And I had a friend who was shot in the Colorado Aurora Batman movie shooting. Stop. And they had flown her back to Louisiana. And like I'd go sit with her in the hospital. all and you know my brain my gosh and she survived she did she's in crazy her story she's so precious she has crazy pain and that's a whole oh bonnie kate i love you so much but i my brain started coming back and i think so often we think the emotions are going to come first like once i feel

this then i'll go do these things and it's always the action has to come before the emotion and something in me just i think i was hoping more than believing that if I did these things, the emotions would eventually come. And what was so, oh my God, Kailant, it was the most precious thing because I remember a few weeks into that, like one day walking outside and smelling, there's this flower that there's several that my dad and I both loved. One was called Magnolia Fisgata and this other one. Oh, shit.

I just forgot the name of it. Anyway, they had it at my brother's house. Yeah. And I smelled it. And I just started crying, not like the sad cry. depressed cry it was the sweetest smell like you know when we numb the hard things we also numb every good thing and so being on those narcotics I wasn't allowing myself to feel any sort of joy or goodness or beauty and that's a long time like yeah you know seven years of not doing little things

that you that make you happy totally and so all a sudden I just started bawling crying because it was the sweetest smell I'd ever smelled and I just I felt my dad's presence and I felt so loved in that moment. And I remember in that time hearing this quote that the deeper sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Wait, can you say that again? The deeper sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Okay. And I was like, that's going to be my story. I'm going to get to experience joy on like the craziest level because the, yeah, this level of pain and I'm going to have to let myself feel it. And I've been numbing it for so long and trying to avoid it because I just like, I can't handle it. Well, of course.

And so all of a sudden, it was just beautiful. And I feel like my new drug kind of became, I'm going to look for beauty. I'm going to speak it out loud. I'm going to try to. And I kind of jumped pretty quickly. I'm like, I want to help other people because I just need to get out of my own head, you know. And I, you know, it was an interesting process. My marriage did end, and it was very hard.

He ended up with a good friend of mine. But I think still a good friend of yours? No. No. No. I mean, I have no hard feelings towards her, but no, we're not. And they're not together. They have a child, but they're not together anymore. you know I think I just started trying to show up for life and like when he left I remember being like if you get back in that bed you will die so you have to get up and I started like an Instagram account and my drug kind of became look for beauty look for

beauty and speak about it and share it and then you know I started doing like styling things other people told me I was good at styling which is so random and I all I had done were my I knew nothing, but I had no money and there's something beautiful about not having the luxury of fear and I had to like get off my ass and like figure it out. I couldn't worry how my body would handle it. I couldn't worry that I had, you know, how like no experience whatsoever. But I started like this community believed in me way before I did and started asking me to help them with things. And I started having more people following me on Instagram that didn't know me and didn't know the backstory. They were just seeing these beautiful photos. and styling these beautiful dinners and, you know, creating these beautiful spaces. And I started getting the like, oh, my God, you live this dream life. I want your life messages. And that made me feel sick because I'm like, I'm like, I am not, this is such a disservice to give to the, you know, these humans, these beautiful souls. Because I would think of myself living in my bed looking on social media, wishing I was out playing with my children or, you know, on tour with my husband and doing all these beautiful things instead of land.

laying in my bed, hurting every second. And so I ended up writing out my whole story. Yeah. Because I was like, I need to give you context for my joy. I wrote everything. I mean, to like shit in my pants, to like going through this divorce to being dependent on all these narcotics to, you know, losing my marriage, losing my dad, all of it. And I remember when I hit publish, I'm like, oh, my God, people are going to run.

I'm going to freak them the f*** out. and you know it's just so precious like we're all so longing for connection and to know we're not the only ones to know that we're not alone and it of course did the exact opposite and and that's like kind of how I got to end up start doing like people started asking me to speak on podcast and then someone asked me to speak at a conference and I'm like I didn't even speak at my brother's weddings I'm like I don't this could be bad bad and I said and I But I was like, I'm going to say yes. You know, and it was like the most precious.

I can't even tell you. I'm like, this is why I'm here. I am here to like share this message of hope that this isn't the end. This is just the beginning and that there is hope for us and there is healing for us. But, you know, at the time, I thought that was my purpose just to serve others and to find beauty and suffering and beauty and brokenness. And that was my message for a long time. And I would go, go, go. And then I'd push myself.

and then I had to be in my bed for two days because like my body was just right I wasn't because are you still living with this pain so much pain like right now so that's what's been really interesting in the last little season I've learned about healing like and that's been so it had been worse every year for like 15 years and I ended up getting this crazy book deal and the proposal was with a book called salvaged building a beautiful life with broken parts because I thought I was broken yeah I thought I was completely I mean, I was literally calling myself trash. Oh. I thought I was broken. And I believed that I thought my body was broken. And that writing my book in the last two and a half, three years has taken me on a journey because you have to go back in. I was going to say, you have to relive things that you probably forget or bury or, yeah.

It doesn't go away. Yeah. The body keeps the score. You hold on to it. And I kind of had to re-traumatize myself. Yeah. And it took me on the most important. painful beautiful healing journey on a level that I can't even describe like I came back home to my body that I again thought hated me and I grew up I was a part of a church that said I was this broken depraved wretch that needed Jesus I'm like I'm so pure it's so good and so worthy and like we all have that inherent worthiness and so so much of it just became this like unlearning and remembering the truth and it's been so beautiful and so fucking

hard. And now I can look at all of it. Like I truly believe all of it. The wreck, you know, some pre-verbal trauma, stuff that happened early on. The divorce, losing friends, like the pain. All of it were these just invitations to ultimately come home to myself, to heal. And I think why I'm on this planet and why I chose to be here and to do this work and why I think I chose to come back. It's like, I need to heal myself and then go out and be a mirror of this healing that is for everyone. Like, this is not my. This is for all of us. And you don't need me. I'm going to moonwalk the fuck out of here. I'm just going to be here to like be a flashlight of what's yours, you know, because it's for everyone. And after doing so much trauma work, like I learned

about this process called journal speak from this woman named Nicole Sacks. And it's like I would journal about trauma because we, we swallow pains, especially. especially as women, we're, you know, show up, be sweet, be kind, be pretty, we're not allowed to show rage and anger and hurt and disappoint. Like, I had to swallow all that, but your body holds onto it. And as I learned through counseling and all these different treatments, EMDR, going back into these old traumas, like, my body started releasing. Yeah. And I believe I'm going to heal so much more. Like, it's already so much better. And I believe that I'm going to be able to heal so much more of this pain because I think all of it like I think our bodies are longing for

homeostasis they're longing to heal our most our spirits our souls are you know we're created for healing and but we're so often we're we numb it we don't want to feel it and so I have a million numbing tactics yeah I love numbing it's my favorite thing on planet earth you know like push every numbing tactic like you know but when I let myself you can only heal if you let yourself go through them like go through the trauma and but you're created for it and it's like when you do that work you remember what's so right with you not what's wrong with you and you remember your inherent worth and how deserving you are it's like earth school's freaking hard I love that you say that earth school that's life yes earth school is hard but like we

You don't have to just survive. Yeah. You know, like we can heal and we were created for it. And I believe that, like my neck looks more like a freaking toaster oven than it does a spinal cord. And if I can heal, we can all heal. Absolutely. You know, and I think, like, I know my story's like a really dramatic version, but that I think is part of why I'm here also. Yeah.

Like, if I can't. And that's why you've moved into the space of, being an author and a speaker and having a podcast because you're meant to reach so many people. I mean, I just hope I, you know, of course we all have our ego and all the things, but like I wrote at the beginning, at the end of my book, I'm like, listen, when you finish this book and you close the last page and you turn off your lamp or you finish your cup of coffee or you get off your bus stop, like I hope you forget me. I hope you forget the story because you don't need me. Like you are so capable and so worthy. I am just here to be a mirror to you of what

is yours. This divinity is inside of you. This love is inside of you. This healing is inside of you. And I don't know. Like I want, I think my higher self wants to just remember that and like do that, you know, and not let my ego and all the other things. get caught up. You know, we just, we're such funny, funny little, funny little people. Bless us. I know. We're just doing the best we can and we're human and I make mistakes all the time. Well, yeah, of course. All right, let's take a break. We all need one of those every now and then. And I love taking little breaks throughout the day to pause and just relax. But why not keep your brain active at the same time? My mom and I actually talked about this the other day about how to keep your brain active while

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reviews, Best Fiends is a must-play. Download Best Fiends free on the Apple App Store or Google Play. That's Friends Without the R. Best Fiends. In your book, it's just kind of your journey of what has happened to you in the healing and... Yeah. Yeah. You know, it actually, it changed a lot. Yeah. It completely changed. I mean, the story up to you know living in my bed and all that didn't change but like what the message is yeah really changed the ending is completely different and then wait do you want to hear some real woo-woo crazy stuff yeah yeah the last chapter is completely different because of what happened last year what so this is so cool my dad's all a part of this yeah so cool okay so last christmas my mom not this

past one um the one before my mom was like hey have you ever done like a DNA test because, you know, your dad and all of this, I mean, my parents were hippies and my dad went to Vietnam and they were crazy. Yeah. And she was like, you know, a lot of your dad's friends have found out they had kids later in life. And I was like, oh, I wouldn't be surprised if there's more than one. Like, yeah, that makes total sense. And I was like, actually, I have, when I spoke on Glennon Doyle's tour, the ancestry was like who supported it or what I sponsored it. Yeah.

And so I had literally swabbed my mouth, but never. looked it up. I'm like really bad with technology and I never signed in but they had my DNA so I was like yeah my DNA's out there and then a few months later I was speaking to this like intuitive woman and she goes I keep hearing missing brother missing brother

missing brother and then they keep circling dad in all caps and I'm like okay that's weird but okay then I have this like healer lady that I go to who's like more spirit than body she's the most amazing she like doesn't even have a smartphone you have to like only has a landline. Is she in Nashville? Yeah. She's in, I'll give you. It takes like six months to get in

with her, but she's so important. She is like my teacher in every way. Okay. And I tell her this. And she goes, yes, you do. You have a missing brother. And I was like, what? I go, well, how do I find him? She's like, he's going to find you. What? And very soon. And I was like, um, okay. So, that was in April. These last, take my breath away, literally. Last May, 2019, I get a message. I never use Facebook. I look by chance on Facebook, and I get this message from a woman saying, hi, Ruthie. My husband doesn't have Facebook, but he recently

matched with you on ancestry. I believe you might be relatives. And I'm like, it's my brother. So I give her my number. It's like, have him call me. He calls me. He goes, do you know what I'm calling? I go, because you're my brother. No. Did you know? I was like, I've been waiting for your call. Your joke. I promise you.

Wait. Look at my goosebumps. Okay, here's what's insane. What? When my dad was in college, This girl was passing through LSU. She didn't even go to school there. She was a senior in high school. They hooked up. She got pregnant, went back home.

Back then, they sent girls away who got pregnant. No one knew. And also, Louisiana is a closed adoption state. So he couldn't find us. So my brother was adopted by this family in Oxford, Mississippi. He had literally been looking for us for over 20 years on the six-year anniversary of his son's passing of an accidental overdose, his wife, his whole family got together. She was like, you can't give up. You cannot give up. I'm going to sign on, like, maybe by now

someone's gotten onto ancestry and whatever. She signs into his account, sees my name. His daughter-in-law is there. It goes, Ruthie Lindsay. I followed her on Instagram for years. They live in Montana, like his daughter. I'm like, so he's like, I'm sure there's more than one, Ruthie, like, calm down. She's like, no, that is your sister. and they get on my website, there's a photo. He literally is the only one that looks like my dad. He's the only one that hunts, fishes, gardens. He has this larger-than-life personality.

He, like, we have a piece of my dad back. It gets freaking crazy. No, I can't. My eyes are like. My full brother and his wife were at his daughter's wedding the year before. Okay, wait, what? My full brother and his wife and family of eight were at his daughter. They knew them.

What? Didn't know it was his niece. because she had worked at this camp that my brother's the camp doctor every summer she had gotten sick sent to the infirmary he held her hair back while she vomited his niece I can't yeah

it no it's freaking you can't make this shit up I'm like my dad is all he found me on the anniversary of his son's death like my dad's first grandson what the heck I'm like his

and also his so since then. He lives in Oxford, Mississippi, where I went to college. I used to shop at his wife's store all the time. We know we're in the same place at the same time. Oxford's tiny. He's so precious and so I'll have to show you the video after this. You're going to die. It's the sweetest thing you've ever seen. He, like the amount of overlap and connection. He's actually interviewing me for my book tour in Oxford at the end of April. You're kidding. I know. It's just the sweetest. And like I just know my dad is so proud of him like he came to my house literally he shakes his foot crosses his legs the exact same mannerisms wow he had been looking for us for 25 years

I cannot believe it or 28 years I know and now you have this special bond with him and yeah is your whole family so close to his they came down to our farm a mom is so amazing like she she's like we have a piece of your dad back like she loves him so so much. We're all going down to Louisiana and April. They're naming like a library in the school after my dad and the whole family will be there. And I mean, you just, you cannot make this stuff up. It's the most precious. And this is how, and so you're, so when you're writing your book, it. Yeah, the whole ending changed. Because I'm like, this is so, this is my dad. Like he is. Wow. All of this. You can't make it up. It's insane. It's so. precious and I just I literally and I mean this so sincerely Caitlin like all of it every single thing that happened like it all had to happen and if like all of it had to happen to get me to this point so I can get to be one of so many light workers that are in the world right now to be a reminder and a mirror like I wouldn't change one thing to find you and oh my gosh yes he's

never known like he never knew his family you know it's just the sweetest and he had been looking like even his adopted parents were like we want you to find your dad we want to know where you came from because they're just these booming you know larger than life storytellers like he does similar work to us i mean it's just insane we'll be back with more off the vine with kaitland bristow hey i'm autumn calabrese and i have a question for you how do you do life i might be a superstar trainer but i'm also So a boy mom, sister, daughter, friend, and entrepreneur. You might think my life is all working out and cooking healthy, delicious recipes. But trust me, there is so much more to it, and this is it. This is all of those real moments you talk about with your family and friends. Ever wonder what else life has to offer?

Bring your curious appetite and let's do life together. Subscribe now at Apple Podcast, Spotify, and Podcast.com. Now back to Off the Vine with Caitlin Bristow. I love that people are going to hear this. just be like, okay, there's reasons that you go through hard times and things happen. And if you're, you are all strong enough to come out of it on the other side. We're so resilient. Yeah. So, like, you're so deserving of this really hard work to come back home to yourself. Like, all of it is invitations. And first, I want to say, like, I know pain is universal. That is, like, the truest thing I know

ever but I also believe with every part of me like there is hope for you in this whatever shitty broken thing you're living through or have lived through this is not the end yeah this is not the end it's an invitation and it's like the world I I really one of my mantras is this is happening for me not to me this is happening for me not to me and I really believe that the universe is like conspiring to do really beautiful things for us and you know hard broken things like I don't know why earth school so hard but I know part of the human condition is like we get to go through these things so that we can like expand and grow and heal and show up and be love in the world you know like that's that's all we really truly like we want to know that we're safe and that

we're held and we're okay and we're loved and and we are yeah we are we are are and we're so deserving you know it's so hard for people to see that and it's so unfortunate that sometimes it takes such tragic events for people to have to get there but it's that's why you're here to share your story and have people see that like even just today I thought I was having a hard day well and I was but it's not you know but it's just that's real but but you know talking through everything that you've gone through I can look at it differently now you know it's just like, yeah, of course it's a hard day. Those happen all the time. It's not, you know, it's not anything that's hard. Yeah. I mean, I, you know, I caught myself this week, like I was supposed to go to

Israel at the end of the month and the coronavirus that got canceled and, you know, and they're like talking about my book tour like, you know, what are we going to do? All the things. And I caught myself feeling really sorry for myself. And then I'm like, and it's okay to more. I think it's important to feel the weight of things. But then also, I was able to, like, shift. I'm like, oh, my gosh, my neighbors lost their homes to this tornado. And, you know, I've been out all week. And I'm, like, looking at the devastation. Like, you have everything and more. Like, you are so. And so it's, it is helpful for me to, you know, just trying to hold perspective. Because I can just get caught up in such silly bullshit things. Of course. Yeah. You know, and it's so easy to, I don't know, I can get in

victim mode and feel sorry for myself and then you know I mean we all do we all do and it's easy I think the work is though like instead of staying parked there like I stay parked there for seven years yeah the more work I do the quicker I am to come back to my more wholehearted truer self yeah and to have more empathy for myself and compassion and tenderness instead of like shaming myself like that's my natural including I want to shame myself and feel guilty and all the things and that that doesn't help anything yeah no I find myself doing that exact same thing when I'm in a bad place or if I'm things aren't going I start picking myself apart yeah even in the mirror like oh my gosh because that's just my go-to way of dealing with things sometimes like it's crazy what we do to ourselves oh my gosh

the way I recently did this whole like meditation woo-woo thing on my body and I started thinking like what if I spoke to my body and treated her as I would like a lover or a partner I would never speak to a partner or a lover the way that I speak to my body. I would never, I would want to listen to them. I'd want to feed them delicious meals and take them to nature to see beautiful things and to be present with them, be present and to listen and to listen and to listen. And we're so disconnected. I would want to make love to them and I want to hold them. And my dear friend, Dr. Hillary McBride recently told me that our bodies don't know the difference in our hands in someone else's. So, like, you can literally, like, I know I want to

be held. Like, when I'm struggling, I just want someone to hold me and tell me I'm going to be okay. But, like, we can do that for ourselves. Like, I can literally, like, touch my sweet little face and, like, oh, sweet girl, you're so loved and, like, wrap my arms around my body. And, like, my body doesn't know that that's not someone else. And that's such a beautiful thing. And, like, I want to look in the mirror and speak love to her. And, like, I want to look in the mirror and speak love to her not this horrible like this judgment and this anger and this like just dissatisfaction. It's just such a disservice to our souls. It really is. And how do you think people can do the work? Like you know some people some people just actually don't know how to do the work to heal themselves

or to like people that I know I saw my Facebook page people were talking about chronic pain living with chronic pain and feelings like silenced and not heard and understood. Like, how do you do the work? What do you recommend to people? Yeah, I would definitely recommend looking up Nicole Sachs, S-A-C-H-S. Her work is incredible. And to read the book, the body keeps the score. Those are two, there's free resources because counseling can be very expensive.

Yes. There are sliding scale and it's worth looking up because, like, again, counseling is so beautiful and it's about what's so right with you, not what's wrong with you. And so look up where there's sliding scale, you know, that people will work with you. There's churches that offer free counseling. But then for yourself, I mean, I think it's so hard. For me, the idea of like meditating I thought would kill me because I'm like, if I get quiet and get still and get in my body, I will die. Like this pain is so.

And the most important work that I think I can actually do is to get present because I was constantly future tripping or feeling shame or guilty about the past. I was never actually here, you know, and so I'll do these like body meditations where I'll literally go through scan my whole body and I'll see where I have tension and I'll be like, okay, feel your left foot, fill your right foot, help relax, send those love. And I'll go through my whole body to get present back into our embodiment is like such a huge, most of us are walking around as disassociated. Like the amount of times I've driven somewhere and don't even remember getting there. Yeah. You know, we're all on our phones and we're all distracted and we're not actually present. But like our bodies, we have so much wisdom inside of us. And when we get still and get quiet, there's so like there's going to be that loud just really, I don't know, there's like voices that are going to try to tell you really mean ugly things that are just limiting, limiting voices. But when we can come back home and remember, the truth and speak lovingly to those things like we all have darkness in us we all have shadow right everyone like growing up it was called like sin now i'm like it's shadow and when i actually embrace those shadow parts when i see jealousy or i see envy or i see fear i'm like oh hi jealousy i see you think

there's not enough for all of us but there is and you are so loved and love's gonna drive and you're safe but we're okay thank you for trying to protect me fear I know you think you're protecting me, but we're safe and we are loved and we are held. And like those kind of things. And I also, at the beginning, looking myself in the eye and the mirror was one of the hardest things. I didn't think I could do it. And I would say, I would make myself say loving things that I didn't believe at all. I've done that to you.

It's hard. And I think that's why people are so afraid to get quiet and to meditate and do it because they know that those, that noise is going to come through. Yes. but you're it's you have to go through the rough to get to the just beautiful peaceful like I know because I've experienced it on such a visceral like now when I look in the mirror and say those things I believe myself and when I do the other I'm quicker to come back to the true place that I know I'm inherently valuable I know like when I was a child I don't know why I didn't believe it like I think there were so many messages coming from the church and from all different

things, patriarchy, all kinds of shit, that I would, if the clock turned like 1234 or 11, 11, or, you know, any of those things, I'd go, make me be good, make me love Jesus, make me be good, make me love Jesus. Yeah. Because something inside of me didn't believe that I was inherently good. Yeah. I thought something was wrong with me. Something was broken.

And now I'm like, oh my gosh, you are so good. Not like be a good girl and be proper. No. Yeah. That and I have no time for that. Yeah. I'm talking like, you are inherently. worthy and valuable and good and loved and held in the universe and God whatever you want to call

it that feels good to you loves you so much you are so freaking loved and so deserving and we all are and the more what's also beautiful it's not selfish it's so loving to do this work because the more I do that the more I'm able to go out and see it out of like a full cup and like see the worthiness of everyone around me. And when I'm not and I'm like trying to help people out of a place because like I need to do that to feel okay about myself. I need to be needed to feel okay about myself. And that's actually not loving. That's not of service like at all. The most loving thing we can do on planet earth is to heal ourselves and go out and be a mirror of that love and that healing to those around us. Like period. We can't heal other people. We can't take their pain away.

If we try to take their pain away, they don't learn how to heal themselves. And it's like actually a real disservice. It's not loving, you know, but if you only can heal you, period. And in the same breath, we're meant to do that in community. Right. You know, like we can't do this alone. Like, yes, you're only responsible for you, but we need supportive, loving people to be those mirrors. Like when I forget, my friends are there to be like, oh, sister, that's not true.

you are so loved you know and we get to do that for each other like we heal in community and if you're surrounded by women and you're you know y'all are all just talking about how fat you are other people like none of that is of service it doesn't it just brings us all down but the more I do this work I'm less apt to do that and to be because I'm less judgmental of myself so then I'm less judgmental of other people right you know and like we can be around women that are supportive of each other and love each other and want the best for each other and when you have that you just realize how powerful it is that's I mean that's the I always go back to this Facebook group of mine that off the vine Facebook it is so many women who just come together and support one another

and it's like this one big group chat of loving supportive women it's wild how incredible it is and same like just having that finding that group of women that you know there's so many good people out there if you look for them yes and surrounding yourself with them and that's it took me a while in Nashville but I have that now and it's just like so glad it's the best it's the best there's so many amazing beautiful souls here yeah yeah it's incredible and I think the more work we do too like I do believe in the law of attraction oh me too you know like when you're living at a higher vibration and more out of love, you're going to attract like-minded people that are also doing that. When you're being a really good friend, you're going to find friends that are really good

friends, too. I totally agree with that. And I think that's why, again, it starts with you. Like, we have to do the work on ourselves so that we can show up as love and, like, heal in the world together. Yeah. I know. I just, it's so, I hate how hard it is because it's so rewarding, you know, But it's, it's for some reason, so hard to really believe those things and really get there and look in the mirror and look into your own eyes and say these things and believe them and just do the work. Like, I just wish everybody, I mean, I've, I have so long to go, but I've done so much work. And I can't wait. I'm going in July to this week, like deep dive therapy, no phones. In Nashville?

No, it's in California. But same thing, same kind of thing. like just being completely in the moment of deep healing for I think it's six days and I am so excited like I'm so sick to my stomach nervous but that's how I'm excited yeah that's I love that so you're so deserving of that I and I think so it's so true it's so beautiful yeah I love doing that work and it's just yeah once once you get in a practice or a habit yeah you're you just realize how rewarding it is. Totally.

Yeah. And it's, you know, I don't want to, I hope that it has it sound like I'm at all being dismissive of where people are. Like, wherever you are, I, like, first want to just say, you don't ever sound dismissive, by the way. But, yeah. But it's, life's really hard. Yeah. And I know there are going to be people listening right now that feel hopeless. Yeah.

I know that. Mm-hmm. Because life's so fucking hard. Mm-hmm. Um, and I truly understand and want to say for herself, like, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for whatever painful thing you're living through right now. But I also, if you don't have hope, like, I can hold that right now for you because I know that there's hope. I know that this is not the end. I believe that this is just an invitation to the beginning of the rest of your life. And

and it can be so full and beautiful and rich um and you're so worthy of that you're so worthy of that do you talk about all this on your podcast is that yeah you know right now i want people to just go listen to you or do anything that they can like i just oh thank you yeah yeah um we've taken a break my friend um have you heard of on site yes so my friend that's who i have my podcast with and um what do you mean yeah like miles the guy that starts Oh wow. That's who I have my podcast with. That's incredible. That's like exactly the kind of thing I'm doing. That's why I was asking if it was in Nashville. But yeah, they had their second baby and have just been, as we do them all in person. So we've taken a break. I'm hoping that we get to pick it back up. We have two seasons out and we interview people. The idea is saying the things that are hard to say that they take the power away. When we speak out loud, the things we feel shame and darkness about, darkness about it takes the power away. And then our other thing is like, Like we walk around as human doings, not human beings. So we interview people that the world would know for like their craft, like a lot of actors and musicians and chefs.

But we don't really talk about their work. We just talk about their hearts and their souls and their journeys. That's great. So it's really. It's probably so good for them too because, you know, everyone usually wants to just, oh, you're a musician. Let's talk about your music. Nobody, you know, dives deep into who they are as people in interviews. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. So it's really, it's really, really sweet. and yeah you can listen to it anywhere but it's called the unspoken podcast but yeah I talk about all this and I have you know a website and what is your website it's just ruthy lindsie ywai and same for instagram it's at ruthie lindsay um and I'm actually just now starting a newsletter so I'll be like doing like meditations for people and just kind of what I'm learning what I'm grappling with and what I'm struggling with you know all the things yeah

So I'm excited about that too Well, I give away Instagrammys at the end of my podcast For people who are just You need to follow And my Instagrammy goes to you today Oh You just changed my life in one hour Stop!

No, I'm serious and I just I can't wait for, I'm so glad you live in Nashville I know, me too I'm going to force friendship upon you Girl I can't wait Sign me up That's so amazing

And I wanted to say you also You spoke with Brunei Brown didn't you or did that is she is I mean who doesn't love Renee Brown I know she's next level I remember finding her so many years ago on YouTube yeah like on her one you know vulnerable YouTube video the Ted I remember just watching that over and over again and she really started my like self-love journey wow yeah that's so incredible yeah and I didn't even know I needed to be on that journey until I watched her wow yeah that's so cool that you got to she's just a rock star.

Next level. One of my greater teachers will win it for sure. That's so amazing. Who is your favorite, like, mentor? Liz Gilbert. Okay. She's like my, I mean, Oprah, hello. Well, you're the queen.

That's everybody. But I love, Liz Gilbert and Cheryl Strait have both been massively impactful for me. Like, tiny beautiful things, I think is one of the best books I've maybe ever read. I've given away probably 50 copies. Wow. that book. Not even kidding. It's so important. It's like, it's my Bible. It's just utter

truth. Yeah. Oh my gosh. I'm so excited for you. I've reread it. I mean, it's just pure truth. She's the woman that wrote Wilde. Did you ever see Wilde with Reese Witherspoon? I don't think I saw it, but I know what you're talking about. Yeah, that's her story. But Tiny Beautiful Things is hands down

my favorite book. Okay. Yeah. So good. So, so good. I'm so excited to read it. Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much for being here today. Again, everything, I'm just like, the way I told you, I don't know if I said this on the podcast or off that I was just, I knew I was supposed to be friends with Ariel. Like, I feel that same way. Sign me up, sister. I'm just like, I'm so glad we met and that you're on this podcast and I'm so amazing.

So many people. I'm so happy that so many people can listen to everything that you just had to say. Thank you so much. What an honor. I'm so grateful. Thank you so much. I am so grateful. Thank you.

everybody go follow ruthie lindsay go to your website do all the things read your book i'm not even just saying april 21st yeah we'll be out well we'll have to do another podcast because i do uh grape therapy every week where it's just like you know we do choose different topics to just talk about right now i'm doing bachelor recaps but that's going to be over soon so i'd love to have you back on and we've we missed your confession today so we're going to have to oh yeah we're going to we'll get back to that yeah unless is it i have a short one Okay, tell me. Tell me. Tell me. We'll end up with that. Yeah, I grew up, literally married my first boyfriend.

Yeah. And I was just this super naive, like really sweet. I mean, when he and I split up, I had never slept in a bed with another man. I'd never been drunk. I'd never done drunk. Like literally unreal. Right. And seriously, until I had sex for the first time, which was like 23, yeah. Every time I'd look at a woman pregnant. I'd be like, oh, they had sex. I'm not kidding. And I would think, oh, my God, they have to be so embarrassed that their dad knows. No way. That's how, like, naive and just, I would, every time I'd see a pregnant one, I'd be like, their dad knows is sex.

As if every human walking around me isn't having sex, I'd be like, oh, my God, I know. You came from sex. You know that, right? That's so cute. What is that? Is that not insane? I mean, it all's just like, it's all about how you grew up and, you know. It's so breaking.

That's, bless me. Yeah, bless you. Bless my little heart. Yeah. It's so sweet. I mean, that's funny. Or really sad. Now I'm going to think of that every time I see a pregnant one.

I'm going to be like, ah, shit, it says. Her dad knows. And her dad knows. That's so funny. Thank you again. Thank you. Just keep talking to you and do another podcast. Can't wait.

Yeah. Okay. I'm Caitlin Bristville. I'll see you next. Thanks for listening to Offrevine with Caitlin Brisco. Get new episodes every Tuesday exclusively on podcast1.com, the Podcast One app, and subscribe on Apple Podcasts. Who's doing with OTV?