Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Sex Expert Emily Morse

Episode Date: April 10, 2018

The host of "Sex With Emily" drops by the studio to share her tips and insights into the world of sex as Kaitlyn answers the phone to hear your best Ken You Not: Sex Edition! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Who's down with OTV? Who's that with OTV? Podcast One presents Off The Vine with Caitlin Bristol. Caitlin is creating a space where girls and gents can feel empowered to be themselves. Get ready for lots of laughs. Taboo topics. On filtered advice and wine.

Lots of wine. Get ready to shake things up. Here's Caitlin. What's up, everybody? Welcome to Off the Vine. I'm your host, Caitlin Bristow. Today's going to be great. Today is going to be informative.

It's going to be inspiring. It's going to be life-changing. What else? You tell me what else is going to be. It's going to be so sexy. Yeah, and it's going to be inspiring, I think, for people. I think so, too. I'm really, I love my listeners because they're so open.

honest with me. They'll like, they tweeted me so many questions. Let me just first say who we have in the studio. Sex expert, Emily Morris. Are you in a relationship? Dating. Okay. So when you meet people, are you like, what's up? I'm a sex expert. Here's the problem. The challenge. I would open with that all the time. Well, I do. Or my friends are like, have you met sex with Emily? Like we're in a bar and they're like, I want you meet my friends. Sex with Emily. I'm like, great. So you probably thinks I'm a prostitute. I mean, when you hear sex with a guy, they're like, oh, yeah, of course I want to, you know, bang you or whatever it is. But yeah, it often, I can't help that it leads often many conversations with the man.

Of course. And yeah, you never know what's going to happen with that. Guys can either be intimidated or into it. I was going to say, then maybe do you think they would hold it against you? If you, like, I thought you were a sex expert. Yeah, what kind of sex expert just wants to roll over and fall asleep. And that really sets the bar high for you, too. It does.

It really does. I mean, because I've been doing this for so 13 years now. So when I started, I'm like, I'm a nice girl. I'm talking about sex. but, you know, I'm a nice Jewish girl from the Midwest and I'm not just sex, I'm so many other things. Of course. But after 13 years, it's like sex with Emily is like my name.

Like, it's literally like my thing. Yeah. But I feel like guys, I feel like if you Google me or you look at my stuff, you're like, oh, okay, she's a sex doctor. She gives advice. But yes, it is true that men who think, most men would like to think they are the masters of sex. Yeah.

Like they know everything. So to be with a woman, even though they don't. No. And no one does. No. Like even I don't know when you're with a new partner or it's always new. Yeah. But I know that they're thinking, like, oh, she's going to know everything and I feel intimidated because, and this is just because I've done like post-coital interviews with people.

Of course. That would be, that would be something that's in their head, right? When they're starting to, oh my gosh, what if I'm not doing this? What's not doing that? Right. She can talk about it in the show. Like, is that a penis big enough? I never thought it was.

Right. It's a whole thing. But I feel like once you know me, it's like, it's not my whole world. Of course. That's just, that's like me trying to pretend I was never on The Bachelor. Like, that's how people know me, right? Exactly. So you know your audience.

Right. But you also are like, you know there's more to you than just, yeah, of course. Than just sex. I have so many questions for you today. My listeners have so many questions for you today. And we're just going to, we're going to do some Ken you nots. We might even open up the phone lines. I've got some good Keny nuts.

Amazing. Because I told me this. I'm like, oh, my God, there's a million of them. Okay, good. God. Can you? Oh, I literally could not stop on the way here. I'm like talking to my phone going, because that's what I talk about a lot is that we never had

great sex education. Nobody did. Nobody. And so we're all trying to figure it out. but we don't talk to anyone about it. We don't know who to talk to. We keep suffering through bad sex, which is why I started the show.

And I just feel like there's so many like, really, you really just skipped right to my pants and you didn't touch my boobs? You know, like, did you really skip through four play again? Like, can you not? Yeah. Can you not. See, you're going to unravel something here because once you start now,

I won't stop because I'm like, oh, that's a good one. It's, I, yeah. Like, yeah, like, I don't understand, like, with foreplay. That's, like, a huge thing for me. It's like, four play is not just like a light suggestion. Or maybe. you should we should make out and tease and then have sex no it's actually a requirement yeah because women don't get turned on the same way men do yeah that's so true your partner walks in you

are you guys married yet you're not married to engage yeah so he'll walk in and be like baby you're so hot he's ready to go and you're like I was just finishing this post I'm working I'm whatever and we're not turned on warm me up baby tease me let me just say I know that this should be like obviously sex is such a healthy thing in a relationship and we should obviously talk about it but my mom listens to every podcast religiously and I'm like maybe shut this one off because I want to like go there yeah tell her I guess so but maybe we think this about our parents you know I don't know your mom no my mom's probably like I don't care I want to hear it right well here's something what I do though the thing is what I do is I talk

about sex in a very sex positive way like my goal is not to like is to get people to make sex more comfortable to talk about because we don't prioritize sex in relationships we get into one we don't know why it goes bad so I feel like your mom might maybe she'll learn something or be inspired that we're talking about it because nobody does. You can decide because you know your mom better than I do and we don't know what road

we're going to go down yet. Exactly. That's my point is I don't know what road I'm going down. So even if I tell her not to listen she probably will because she's very supportive and listens to everybody. I love that though.

And I talk to my mom about everything but it's more like how detailed am I going to get in this podcast as long as my dad doesn't listen. Right, right, right. Dad, you're out. Yeah, dad, you're definitely out. I don't know if he knows how to work a podcast

which is why I love them. Okay. Now I've already lost track of... Oh, okay. Your number one... This is a great fact. Okay. You're the number one dating and sex expert to follow on Twitter.

Yeah. I know. I got voted from somebody. I think it was a GQ or Esquire. Amazing. Yeah. Thanks. So you're good at what you do.

I'm good at what I... I love what I do. And I've been doing it. So I started a podcast in 2005 in my living room when it was first starting with the first month. And I just started interviewing people about sex and relationships. I was not like the expert yet, though I had some sex in my life. Of course.

I was just like, sex is not what it's cracked up to me. Everyone's always saying like, I had the most amazing sex last night. I was like, I have it. But it seems like a good, worthwhile thing to learn how to really have great sex and teach others. So that's how it all, that's how you're inspired. Yeah. I always find it like, so you're on Twitter and people are coming to you with these things. I'm like, isn't it crazy what people will, oh my gosh, ice buckets for the

wine thank you ask and they deliver yeah they're good around here podcast one knows what's up thank you for that well put the wine in here amazing thank you oh yeah oh yeah perfect snap this yeah get in there i'm gonna put the other one in too just you know yes i love the way you're icing too careful here okay okay note to my producer that we need to have some wine katelyn's adjusting the wine for the an ice bucket was delivered oh okay sorry that's service thank you for that um okay so i always find it crazy what people will put on the internet which i am so with you that i don't think it should be an uncomfortable topic i think like even some people that were writing me questions they're like i mean i should just own this i don't want to

be anonymous because like what's wrong talking about sex life but again having things on the internet i find crazy what people will say when they confess to me or things that they i'm like wow like that's i mean that's on the internet now right exactly we can never take that away like any job you go to they're going to see the question that you ask yeah but i feel like it's what that shows is that people are so desperate for information around sex because like i get that too so we get you know my show a lot of it is advice so we get hundreds of email questions a week and again over 13 years you You realize there's really just people are, well, tell me things, I'm like, you've never told your wife this. You've been together 20 years and you just want to know what turns her on or you're not sure she's an orgasm.

They like literally don't, there's like this connect that's like, I want to talk about it, but I literally feel like I'm going to die if I bring up the sex conversation. It's so painful. So I just kind of help people like walk through that because the problem is we don't prioritize sex in relationships. We think here's the problem is that we get into a relationship and everything's amazing, right? the sex is great, like the first six months and two years, the honeymoon phase, which is like biology. Like, that is a real deal. Yes.

Our hormones are flying. We're connected. And then in every relationship, there's nothing wrong with you. It's going to take a nosedive. You're not going to be as into each other. It's going to just because we're meant to, like, match up really for, if you go back to evolutionary biology, it's like, you're supposed to get together with someone. You have an attraction.

You're together for nine months. You can have a baby, procreate. And then he goes off and spreads its seed, like the caveman, our ancestor. so there's still some of that like it's great and then it's not however now people want to be in monogynist relationships what do we do about it because what happens that moment when you're like oh we don't we're not having sex as much we think there's something wrong yes that we're broken and we're the only one it's happening to and if i just want to normalize it and say listen i'm so glad you're having great sex at the beginning but prepare for it keep talk about it now yes you know not not when

it gets hard because it'll just help lay the groundwork because people think like sex like they think that sex is supposed to be amazing all the time and when it's not well we should break up or that's a problem right why should sex which is so important be great without taking any effort I mean everything else that we care about being a good podcaster being a good friend exercise work we work at but sex is like oh magical fairy dust perfect no why is that because we don't have because we're not having conversation because we're not talking about it yeah and there's nowhere to go and we don't we actually everyone know rom-coms like oh they're been great everyone that's how I see I you know what one of our friends bachelor yes one of our friends was saying something we're talking about movies and I was talking about like a rom-com or something he goes oh we don't watch those because they're they're just not realistic and I was like whoa wait a sec they're not but now you're going to tell me stand it doesn't exist yeah I was in my head I'm like oh you just like kind of crush my dreams but also like that's

thank you for saying that because they're not no they're not I mean it's we can all kind of we attach them because we're aspirational. We're like how great to be with finding the perfect mate and that we're having amazing sex. But the rom-coms don't show you like two years later what's happening with that. Okay, so this is something I wanted to ask. Just speaking of like seeing movies and expectations,

I saw a stat that most boys have come across porn by the age of 10. How do you think that's impacting like their expectations of what to expect from women in the bedroom or men? It's huge. Such a good question. Yeah, when they eventually, like, cross that path, like, how do you, it's impacting them because they're, they're looking at porn thing. And that's all they see. Yeah.

So, like, maybe they attend, which is crazy. I remember I have a godson who was like, grabbed his dad's phone and write, wrote girls with big, he wrote like ladies with big boobies. Like he Googled it on his phone and he was like nine. And that's so accessible. So you're like, oh, boy. Yeah. He's like, okay, now you see that. And the problem, here's the problem with porn is that, like, I'm all for like healthy use of porn.

It exists for a reason. Watch it on your own to get turned up. masturbation is so important for women and men watch it with your partner, great. The problem when young people are seeing it is that they literally have never seen sex before. They've heard that it can give you SDs, you can get a woman pregnant,

and here's some weird fallopian tube thing, the image they show you. But the problem with porn is they watch it, and they're like, oh, this is a tutorial. This is exactly how I should have sex. And I'm going to be pounding away. Right, women look like this. Women make these noises.

She's probably going to bring three friends. Yeah. Like, right? Yeah. Why didn't she bring her friends? So it's like it's such, but that's what they're seeing and what they're believing. And the problem is not just for men, but for women. I know there's a lot of women like in their 20s, early 20s are watching porn.

I have guy friends who have said to me like, it's weird. I was having sex with this woman. It's like I didn't feel connected. I feel like she was kind of doing a porn thing. Like she was like moaning in a way doing these like, jerk me things that didn't seem authentic to who she was. Right. So my problem is that when people, when these guys are watching it, they expect this is how it goes down but it's like it's it's entertainment it's not meant to be a tutorial right

i always think about this because i do think that like obviously um i just think this culture is the porn is so accessible and i just i'm like do you think that's going to impact the next generation for sex yes and that's what i'm actually on this whole mission now i want to go i'm developing like a speaking tour where i can go to like college campuses and just everywhere I do my show live at improv places because I feel like people, it's not really the parents' fault. It's not the parents' fault because kids don't want to hear their parents talk about sex either. So, like, my mom was like, hey, I'm, you have any questions? Come to me.

But I didn't know what the questions were. Right. So I feel like I can go in or a peer can go in, but they really don't want to hear it from their parents. But in the schools, they're literally just saying, you could get pregnant. They scare. Scare tactics. You're going to get pregnant. Right.

Catch an STD. But what they don't teach is pleasure, especially for, women like your pleasure is so important like figuring out your body masturbation and what makes you feel good but how we're socialized as women is that it's more about pleasing him yeah his pleasure right we want to give a great we want to perform well yeah you want them to like us it's not even so i want to kind of reverse that and let women know that they have the power yeah because we assume that guys know everything and they they're just as nervous as we are every woman's different so my and the main thing is like how do you undo it or how do you I kind of just want to teach people

in a fun like what could I do like not like I'm not your super serious like science teacher I'm like right hey guys let's have fun with this and then you'll have great sex that's what my girlfriend was asking um with actually she wanted to know what age do you think that you should start having that conversation but if the stats are saying that it's such a question too because so so here's what I what I found is that at the age they're asking so if they're asking you at nine you have to give them information that's relevant to that age. Right. And so if they ask the questions, you have to answer.

And there's a good website for parents called Scarleteen. It's good. It's like one of the best things out there. But right now I'm kind of working on some other materials that I think that could be easier for kids. But that's a great place to start. But really just be honest with kids because they know that you're lying. They know more than you know probably in some ways.

Right. And also, it's not a, you know, people say like, I had the sex talk lunch with my dad. He walked in. He threw me a pack of condoms. said wrap it up but when you want to learn something it's like having that conversation once with your kids is not going to do it so it's like an ongoing thing and it's like you can how do you teach the kids what normal sex is versus porn when you can't demonstrate right you know like watch us tonight honey before you get to bed we're going to be bang yeah i think it's more about the most

important things to teach i think women get are very um i want men to learn how to be more um like understand that they're going to get theirs. They're going to be pleased, but it's so much about paying attention to the woman and her pleasure and her body. Guys are going to be turned on, but for women,

we're like, our vaginas are like the rubric tube of life. Like, every woman's different. Like the last woman you were with might have wanted something. So for women, I just wanted to be like, it's okay to,

I think the most important thing is masturbation for women because that's how you learn what you like. Like, I used to think someday my prince will come and so will I. Like he'll ride up on this white horse and he'll be like, here's how your body works. Because no one told me.

I mean, maybe you knew I didn't know. I don't think that's a conversation many people. Never. Yeah. Right. So I think that's the main thing is like in the moment we can learn everything we need to about sex. Because if you're present with your partner and you're having sex, you're young, whatever age you are and you're like, is her breath quickening? Is she responding to the moves I'm making?

And as a woman, check in and be like, does this really feel good? because we're such inherently pleasers that we might be like, oh, he doesn't feel great. It kind of hurts, but it'll be over soon. Or I'm going to fake it because I kind of want to be over with. I almost got there. I didn't. And there's been studies that show that men identify, like, men will answer, like,

the question of, like, what is satisfying sex as, like, I had an orgasm. And for women, it's like, he was pleased. So I want to reverse that paradigm where women are like, and the thing is it goes down to, like, shame, like, things we grew up with, religion, society, we feel bad for asking for what we want because what if you think something a slut or what if I do it wrong? I mean, it's very... That was something, one of my questions was, why does that seem like, I can talk about going to the bathroom and have no shame, I can talk about anything. Men will watch babies

being birthed and like, it's like, but nobody can be able to ask for what they want in the bedroom because you feel scared. Like what... Right. Is that just because it's been such a like taboo topic? We've literally never talked about it ever. And so the reason why it's what taboo is because in that moment, we're afraid that there's a host of things running through our head. So give me an example of something we wouldn't want to stay in the bedroom, like, I need more far play. Okay, or if you had one that you wanted to. So we're so afraid that he's going to think, and these are just some things that I'm sluddy. Yeah, he's failing us because men are very sensitive around sex or women.

He's failing us. He's going to think that I'm really demanding. And what if he tries something and I don't really know what to ask and I'm judge. And actually there's shame about it because I learned growing up that when women ask for sex, their thoughts or whatever we're hearing years of messages that just aren't true. Like the best thing to do is to be honest, to be vulnerable, take responsible for your own sexuality. So it's because of those messages like people grow up like, let's say they went to Catholic school or whatever. And they're like, it's sex is for procreation.

If you masturbate, you're going to go blind. All that stuff. Is that if people say that? Yes. And they still. And even when they know it's not true, like I had a guy, I was. dating years ago and he grew up in a very religious home and he told me eventually because I was like what's with this like penis not operating properly like for the whole year we're

dating and he's like I'm just afraid every time we have sex you're going to get pregnant because that's what I was my mom told me that my parent you can't and that's shit that you hear in your head when your kid even though you might be a 30 year old it's still there so trying to kind of be like what's real what's not and then just learning to be like present in your body and what you're feeling in the moment and relay that let's take a quick second and talk about article, the online furniture retailer that respects your time and your taste. The design is as thoughtful as a Pinot Noir, mmm, bubbly and fresh as Prosecco also, and as wallet-friendly as happy hour. More than just a pretty chase, article shipping is as great as their selection.

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I think women are so concerned with what they look like I think it's all going back to like men being seen porn and seeing what you know this is what hot body looks like him that how do you be comfortable and feel sexy and when it seems like

a lot of women would be thinking like oh my gosh is he going to see my cellulite at this angle right that's such a good question too self-confidence because across the board for men and for women the sexiest thing both men and women will say it's confidence. And so I feel like for women, especially, is that we just, we do. We're sitting there going, did he notice my left boob is bigger than my right boob?

Does he notice that like I didn't shave? And let me just tell you, if you're with a partner that you trust or you've been with for a while, even if it's for a few nights, he's with you because he's attracted to you and he wants to be having sex with you. He's not sitting there going, God, look at what she's doing and all that. And if he is, he's not your guy. Right. But the truth is for women, when I say confidence, it's really.

like if you're in the bedroom and you're present and you're in that moment and you're in your body and you're like this is what I want I'm going to get on top I'm going to take my orgasm or I'm going to please them you don't first of all you don't have time to be thinking all those other thoughts like oh my god what's he thinking about and this is a practice too because our brains rule us but he's going to be he's going to be like wow she's so confident look how she's moving look at our body like look I mean look how she's so like she's not like scared and covering the corner so because girls are always I feel like Females just think if they don't look like a supermodel, then they're not attractive to men.

And I think people put so much emphasis on, like, what men want and look for, yeah. What about what we want? Yeah. And it's like instead of being comfortable and like, I just feel like it's put out there that that's what, like, the porn women and the supermodels, that's what we'll get guys, you know, to want to have sex to you. Exactly. Of course. And it's so not, it's not realistic. And again, yes, there'll be guys who are like, I only want to.

want a 10 or an 11 but then those aren't your guys yeah even if you are a girl who's like superior in all ways and you're like 11 on the scale i know la loves the numbers i just feel like even the girls who are they have their insecurities but but it's almost like but if you still just like work like for that is a fear you would know who that guy's a douchebag and you'd break up with them because if you are yourself you're confident and even if you have to like i know that we're not all confident all the time even i have sex sometimes i'm like oh did i not and i've been this for 13 days my life. So it's really just about being like in your body and learning how to, I'm telling you, I'm going to go back to masturbation. If your mom's listening, hello, you know

this is important. Women, and I think a lot of women do masturbate, but there's a confusion about like, well, I can have an orgasm alone, but not with a partner or I can never tell them that I masturbate, but it's like, they're not going to figure out the keys to things. So if you figure out how you orgasm, like bring that in the bedroom, like touch yourself the way you want to be touched. And to me, like, and I've heard this from so many guys, they're like, the hottest thing for me is a woman who asks for what she wants in bed and who knows her body. And that translates as confidence. And when you spend time self-loving, you'll have more confidence because you'll be like, my body's awesome. Look how it works. Like, I had to work at

orgasm. I wasn't one of these, like, natural, like, oh, I had an orgasm when I was seven riding a bike. Yeah. Yeah. One of those girls who were like, I was in the shower. That never happened to me. So I had to, like, work. I was like a late bloomer. And so I just, I know. I do think so much of confidence is investing in yourself and that could be part of what masturbation is about is investing in yourself and getting to know yourself and that is one of the most important things you can do in your life is invest in yourself and some people feel like they're doing something wrong right they feel like oh my god this is bad it's shameful like I have friends too they all do they're like I shouldn't waste time doing it but the thing about masturbation for women

too is it's not just so you can be a better level with your partner it's that there's actual like health benefits that are real. It's like you are, you get this release of like serotonin and dopamine and all those feel good chemicals helps with their mood. It helps with cramps. It helps you. It just relaxes us. I just feel like after I'm like, I'm like, I'm more cuddly.

I'm more loving. Like just everything is better. Everything's better when you orgasm is like real. Like I don't even have to like, it's true. And then for women who also, I've heard this a lot who are like, I don't crave sex. I have low libido, I'm not into it. The more you start to like, you do have sex or you masturbate, like the more you're going to want.

It's like working out. The more you go, you're going to create it. Is that true? Same thing. Like, you know those times when you're working out, you're like, I must go to the gym this morning. And sex is the same thing. Really?

So the more you have and the more you're like engaging it with your partner or yourself, you're going to want it more. But the more time, it's like going to the gym. Getting your shoes on is the hardest part sometimes. And you're like, I'm out of the door. But with sex is the same thing. You're like, I don't really want to. But if I start going.

and moving, you're going to want it more. And what do you feel on, like, I just feel like everyone is so distracted these days and worried about appearance and just, like, on their phones. Do you find that lack of connection just in general to be a problem in the bedroom? Huge. I think that our cell phones and our technology is absolutely one, like a huge, huge problem with our sex lives. Like, first of all, stress is one of the biggest killers of our sex drive. So couples don't have sex because they're anxious, they're stress.

we're thinking about our to-do list and so with our phones it's like you know like we're so we're in bed at night on our phones yeah like I feel like and we are sitting there next to our partners and we're both like scrolling through Instagram and it's like if you could kind of first thing is I like to say is no phones in the bedroom no technology in the bedroom which is hard like watching our shows but if you could somehow charge it outside the bedroom so at least in there it's like a no cell zone or when you guys have a date night or and these things might see seem like silly to people like oh day night but when you have a night that's like very important to me it's so important yeah like if it's just your night it's happening like no matter what and

leave your phones at home i know you got to do a social media you could do it after no we're pretty good about that actually because we do feel so um like wrapped around our phones and we feel like they control us they do so we we have been like if we do have a date night we will be like no phones. Good. That's so healthy. We'll, like, cook dinner and be like, okay, let's put the phone down. When we're eating dinner, like, you do not be on your phone. Right. That's great. I think that's, that's super healthy because the technology and it's such a distraction. It's just, I just feel like everybody has lost, like, intimacy. Like, there's just some sort of disconnect now where that's actually part of why I love podcasting. I'm like, I just sit and have conversation. I mean,

I've got a, I've got a computer in front of my face. Oh, but we're talking. But we're like, it's conversation and you're connecting with somebody and you're not worried about what's on your phone unless it's like a question that I have to ask for you. But you're just like you kind of have shut it off and you and you have real conversation. That's exactly why I love it too because I'm already before I was even I'm the most ADD person on the planet. Oh. So when I the first day I did radio or did podcasting and radio I was like that was the best hour of my life because you literally cannot be distracted. Yeah. You have to be so present. Yeah. And so focused. Yes. And that's why I'm like, it kind of works for me. I do find that just people are not.

present anymore. And that's probably one of the arguments I have with Sean the most is that we're just not even in a moment anymore. Right. Constantly thinking about like, what do we have to do? What has to be done? What's going on on the phones? What's in the email? Like you're, it's just so hard to shut that off. So hard. And have intimate moments where you're just like, let's talk about our future. Right. Exactly. Or talk about why we love each other. Yeah. And intimacy. You're so right. There is a loss of intimacy with the phones. And intimacy doesn't just mean sex. It's like hand holding and like cuddling and like having those talks of like the reasons why you guys fell in love. Yeah.

You talked about things. So that's. But it has to be conscious now. Even just some, the other night we had a conversation where I was like, okay, I actually got so upset and I started crying because I'm like I just don't feel like, like I just want to lay on the couch and talk with you and have you play with my hair. Like that would mean the world to me. And he's so great because he listens. Right. So after we had this, I had like a little breakdown.

We put on a movie And he just played with my hair As I laid on his lap And I have never felt happier Like it was just that's all I needed It's so simple It's just to connect with somebody And have that

And that's what sex is too It's a connection Exactly And it's just Intimacy Being in the moment And being present And feeling like love

Right exactly That's how you feel love So like the love languages Which you know I feel like I'm obsessed with the love languages And it feels like Yours might be physical touch

so it's not it's not okay I do um no it is sorry I shouldn't say it's not there's usually two that are dominant yes that's physical touch is one of them but words of affirmation is mine I'm the same yeah I'm like which are the easiest ones I'm like tell me I'm hot

and play with my hair yes like I don't need gifts I don't need quality time nope I need access service right I'm the same I actually feel like I'm three I feel like I'm words of affirmation first and foremost I'm like please just tell me like that you love me and look at me and be like, I love your eyes.

Or like, you are so funny. Or like I just, I just, words are everything to me. Even if they're like, if they're mean words, they'll stay with me for a long time. Right. Because words just affect me. Yeah, I get it. Quality time is a big one for me. Okay.

I feel so connected. Like, same thing. Like, to me, podcasting is quality time because you're actually getting somewhere having conversation and you're not distracted. Same thing with being with Sean. I'm like, I just want to go on a date night. and talk about like what we see in our future with kids or like right like even if we aren't ready to just go get married right now I want to talk about marriage right that makes you feel love

yeah have those conversations yeah do you know what his love languages are he's physical touch perfect um and that doesn't match with couples it's so hard but I see and this is where I struggle because I'm not good at giving affection okay yeah so he withhold it or you're just like annoyed by it like is there like a resentment like I'm not going to rub your back because you didn't do this thing yeah of course there it is right we all do that I'm like well you don't run my feet so why want to rub your back but he his main one is physical touch he's also words of affirmation but um more physical touch like he just wants me to like rub his back or but I don't know why I think it's just I've never been an affectionate person okay so maybe it's not yours maybe I can't decide but either way

but I like getting it right right but you feel bad like here's my thing like i feel like i need it so bad that if i'm not like if i'm lying let's have sex with a guy new guy or dating him and he like rolls over and falls asleep like i literally feel like i am dying i'm like i need not i need the touch i need you to like wrap the toes around each other like so there's like a touch or if we see each other i just want to be touching not like the whole time but a lot like i i just feel disconnected so yeah and yeah i think i'm just like we we hold hands all the time that's good i think it's really cute Yeah, so it sounds like you're...

But it's just, I could be better. We could all be better. Yeah. My God. Relationships take work just like all your other relationships take work. Like having a really good friend that you keep around for a long time. And it's not like a bad thing. Like no relationship is supposed to be perfect.

And everything that gets better in your life and richer is typically when you go deep, you're authentic. You work through something and then you get closer. And I think that's my problem too is that I always think like, why do I have to work so hard at a relationship? Shouldn't it be easy? But everyone that I talk to you and everyone that, no, no, it takes a lot of work. It does. And I think the good news about that is that you actually do some of your best work, emotional growth in a relationship.

Yeah. Because on our own with our friends or we're obsessing on things or whatever, but when you're with a partner that's open to it, it can bring it and you're both vulnerable and you're both working through things, there's some amazing growth that you can do. Oh, my gosh. I always think back to my last relationship. I was a different person. Like, I learned so much from that relationship that has helped me in the one I'm in now, like, so much.

And it's just so crazy to think about it because I'm like, that was only like three years ago. I was a different person. Yeah. We're always changing. Exactly. So that's really, see what you get that. So now I always think, like I used to think in my last relationship, if we fight really badly, it's done. We're going to end the relationship.

I'm getting broken up with bubble. And I would always just like wait for it and anticipate him leaving. Where now I'm like, this is my guy. We're going to work through anything. And everything. It's really great to kind of have that commitment. You're like, okay, he's not walking out the door. So it gives you, like, the safety to talk about things.

But it is true. I know it takes, no relationships are perfect. And the problem is that the ones that you might deem as perfect. Are social, on social media. Yeah, on social media. Yeah. Oh, my God, they're so happy all the time. No.

Like, and then the couples are like, we don't ever talk about anything. We don't fight. That's not a good thing. If you never fight, because you guys are both pacifists, you're like, I don't want conflict. Then there's no passion. There's no passion. And you're not getting through stuff. And then 10 years from now, the same issues.

I always, clearing them out. I just don't believe people if they say that. If they're like, no, we don't argue, I'm like, liar. Right. Or maybe you show. What are you holding back on? Yes. They're lying until they're lying.

I don't hold back on anything. I know this about you. He said something, I think it was yesterday. He goes, something about I brought up, like, I just want to have conversation. And he was like, yeah, we could all do better at communicating. And I said, yeah, but I pour my heart out to you. He's like, yes, you do. yes you do you do that often yeah i will just lay it all out there i am very vocal about my feelings

and how does he and he receives them yeah he's he's really good at listening like in in the moment i think this is men in general defensive always listens and always comes around and like the other thing with just such a simple thing like is it that hard to play with my hair then he does it and i'm like the happiest kid in all the land like that was so easy right exactly Exactly. So he's really good at listening to those things. That's awesome. Because the thing is, men, our partners want to please us.

And I think what the, going back to love, we often expect them to be mind readers. Like, how does he not know that? I told him I like my hair played with. But think of how long it takes a change of behavior. You might have told him that six months ago. Right. But in the moment, so it's okay to ask for it again. And then you get it and it works.

It's all about the delivery. It's how you ask for it. Like, what was the last time you touched my hair? Exactly. You feel really good right now. Yes. Touch my hair. He's in.

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Come on now. So go to Hubble.com and get 20-20 vision for half the price. That's H-U-B-B-B-L-E-Contax.com. One of my sound technicians, is that what they're called? In Nashville, who, is that what is? Sound technician. Sound engineer. He was like, he read a book on how to talk to his kids and how to talk to kids.

And he said it just was such a game changer because they were in Target and the little boy wanted a toy. and usually he'd be like, no, you can't have that toy right now. And that would lead to a meltdown. And he goes, I found a new way of doing it. I read this book. I don't remember what it's called. I should give it credit. But he said, oh, you know what?

I'd really love that toy too. I don't think we're going to be able to do it today, but what about this? Why don't we go write a list for your birthday and we'll put it on your wish list and we'll get the toy when your birthday comes around? So, sure. And the little boy goes, okay. He's going. And he was like, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, my gosh. Like, it was reframing it.

But it's not even just to kids. It's just the way you speak to people in general. And that's something I'm really learning about myself. I deliver things with attitude to Sean without realizing that that's what I'm doing because that's just like a natural. If I'm asking a question, I'm like, so, are you going to paint the room today? Right, right. I'm like, are you going to pay the room?

Because you said that you're going to. And then it's just about how you deliver and speak to people. It's all about tone and timing. It's so true. It could be harsh because you're like, I don't see. you that much. I walked in the door and this hasn't happened yet. We're frustrated. They're not going to hear it. And then that can happen in the bedroom too. You could be like, instead of being like, oh, why don't you do this? It could be like, you know, it would make me feel really good right now

if you did this. And then, and then be like, you're so good at that. Right. So it's really hot for me to like watch you like hammer those nails into the shelf. I'm watching you. Like it's, but if you're like nagging, the nagging, that's where it comes from. But you're right, it's tone and flipping and catching yourself. So you might, we all mess up. I'm really working on my tone. Good for you. Because I do realize. Because otherwise they don't hear it, but I do the same thing, so. Yeah. I do realize that I'm like. That's a good one too.

Give them something good. You're like, I love the way. When you hung up those, when you painted the wall last week that, maybe if you feel so good. And so these shelves when they get up, wow, it's going to be. Exactly. No, the compliment sandwich. I learned that on Family Guy. Yeah. Stewie talked about a compliment sandwich and I was like, that's genius.

It is. Talk about something they could work on. It needs improvement. And it was up with a compliment and we're overall great we'll have probably have more sex when you do that yes oh my gosh i know a lot of people base like romance too and like chemistry on sex because i always hear couples be like well if he isn't having sex with you then you know something's wrong and same thing with um like your drive and everything you're saying that if you do it more the more you do it the more you crave it but what to you is like and this probably you're going to say it depends on the people but what's like a healthy amount of sex for a couple to be having a week no that's a good question because i do

could ask a question a lot because everyone wants to know like am i normal am i normal like literally all the time and my problem is like i don't believe in normal when it comes to sex so really it's up to the couple to decide because i could tell you that okay what i've heard like on average couples who've been together about one one two times a week seems about average and normal definitely one time but if you guys are in a relationship and you're both like you know what once every two weeks truly feels good to both of us. And we're fine with it, then you're great. Yeah.

But often there's one who wants sex more than the other, like mismatched libidos. And I'm not just saying this because we're on the podcast, but I feel like we're very on the same page where I'm like, yeah, whatever. Yeah, please. That's why I brought all the wine. Please. I'm actually going to take a little splash more too. But I feel like we're on the same page with like, it's not like he asks me and I'm like,

oh, I'm tired. And I'm not ever like, hey. and he's like, oh, not tonight. Like, we're very much on the same page with when we want it, which is nice. That's good. That is. So there's not really a challenge yet, but maybe he wants, I don't know, I hear from like, why doesn't she initiate more?

Yeah. I think that's a main thing. I think that goes both ways, though, because I, too, I'm like, hey, why doesn't he initiate more? And he's like, well, I was wondering the same thing about you. And then it's like, oh, communication. It's all, like I say, communication is lubrication. Just start talking about it.

Oh, that's good. Yeah. Communication is lubrication. Yeah, you will start to get each other turned. You will start to connect and be turned on in a better sex if you just start talking about it. Yeah. Because the problem also is like not only do we not talk about it,

but let's say he said to you like, I want you initiate more. You're like, yeah, that sounds a good idea. I'll do that to help you. I'll please you and me. So you get over work and you're like, what does that even mean? Like does he want like a spontaneous act of oral? Like does he want me to, or does it mean like he just wants me to come and kiss his neck? So you're allowed to get more information and say, babe,

I heard that it would mean a lot to you if I initiated sex more. What would that look like to you? Like, do you come home and I've made dinner and I'm wearing this sexy laundry? Do you just want me to start making out with you? Do you want me to start making out with you? That's a good question. Because we get stopped up. We're like, well, I want to do that thing, but I don't really know what he meant or I don't know how.

So just get some more information. Be like, I'd love to please you and like, what would be hot for you? Done. I want to call him and ask him right now. Literally, call him right now. It's fun. Let's call him. He's going to get so uncomfortable.

It's going to be hilarious. Okay, wait, what am I asking him? What, what, if he wants me to initiate sex, what is it that I could do? Yeah, so what would be, you can ask him and say, what would turn you on the most about, how would you like me to initiate sex next time? Hi. Hi, how's it going? I don't know what you're on the podcast. Really?

And I'm with a sex expert Oh boy And I have a question for you Oh boy I feel like I can just like Sense it that a wave of nerves just came over you Okay So I knew

I knew when you said you're doing a podcast With a sex expert I should have said Hey Let's keep things PG rated here What do you mean like don't share too much information about our sex life?

Well, yeah, but I mean... See, that's an unhealthy way of thinking, Sean B, we should be comfortable with them. I'm just kidding. This is like going to help you guys, I think. Yeah, so here's my question. If, okay, would you want me to... This is, by the way, this is every couple in the world. Would you, do you wish I initiated sex more?

Yeah, of course. Okay, so now I'm like, I know that. and I'm like, I think every couple feels like they wish as the other person initiated more. So now my question is, what does that look like to you? So what could I do? Does it mean like you come home from the gym and I'm cooking with a little sexy lingerie outfit on and be like, hey? Like, what does it look like to you when I'm with me initiating? I don't know, like just coming up to me and, you know, hopping on top of me.

I'm sitting on the couch or just going for it. Just going for it. I'm in the shower after the gym. Oh, okay. You know, listen to some tunes in there and I'm singing. Then I turn around all of a sudden you're in the shower with me. I want to be too bad. This is what I love about you, Sean.

But he's very willing and open to talk about these kinds of things. Yeah. Yeah, anytime I'm like, but that's so great because I think about this. And I'm like, we haven't just had that conversation where I'm like, yeah, I should initiate it more. And I'm like, but yeah, what does that look like? How does it look like? Exactly, because that's what we get tripped off. We haven't had the conversation between ourselves on our own, so let's have it in front of a million people. Right.

Well, hey, if this is going to work, though, Sean, I promise you. Because now you're going to shower next time. Who knows what can happen. We're helping lots of couples out there right now because it's not just us. Yeah. Is there any way that you would like him to initiate, Caitlin, as long as we're here? No, I'm thinking about how I'd like you to initiate. I'm like, yeah, I would love if you, like, came home from the gym.

And even if I'm in like sweatpants And I look like blah I want you to be like You are so beautiful to me right now And then just like pick me up and take me to the bedroom I do try that Yeah you do Yeah

But here's the thing Can I just say this about compliments and women Is that we I always tell men I'm like compliment her 10 times a day They're like 10 times I'm like if you do it once we're happy But it's more like It's not because we needed our egos

Like we're confident to cure women But that somehow it's just kind of like If you're looking at you're going God she's so hot And you just say it, like, your eyes, like, it feels so good. Even though she knows it and you love her, it's like a weird, like, we need it. I tell, yeah, that's a good point, actually. Then, okay, have it in your head to compliment me 10 times a day.

And then you'll be like, that's ridiculous. So you'll only do it once, but that's really all I need. I'm pretty sure I'd do it, like, between 8 to 12. Good. Okay. Yeah. You're not, I'm not saying you're bad at compliment. You're actually pretty good at complimenting me, but more.

More is more. Yeah. But more, please. Okay, well, thank you for being so open with me. You got it, Tud. Okay, I love you. Love you, too. I love it.

That was good. That was productive. Oh, my gosh, what a breakthrough. That was a breakthrough, because you know what's so interesting about that? This is what happens. So when we first start dating someone, the reason why sex is so hot is because it's new, it's spontaneous. They're surprise. You can't, like, you've got the hormones going, like the feel-good hormones.

that are, but what couples always talk about is like, oh, the best sex they ever had is when there's more elements of surprise. So when you're with someone for a long time, it's hard to surprise him. So it's interesting, what he said was, I'm in the shower and you come in. I was like, cool, I never knew that. Right, because it's like unexpected, and that kind of brings back that novelty and the

newness that you had at the beginning. So that makes sense that that's what would turn them on. We're all different. Now you know, he wasn't expecting it and you're like there. And it's not like every day. Like you did it. Oh, you got to text me when this happens. You know I'm going to text you. I'll tell me I will but you know what it's not that hard but we don't know the right ways what turns our partners on. The thing about the love language is we often assume

how we want to be loved is how they want to be loved like and lucky you guys match up so if you're like words affirmation all day long and he's like but you didn't touch me then I don't care or whatever his things are it sounds like you guys are the same but you know you keep buying him gifts because you wanted gifts for example and he's like I don't care about gifts. Exactly that's so true it's just being on the same page. Yeah. But that's, I mean, that was crazy right there. I know.

I'm like, wow, I just asked one question, and now I feel like I got so much information. Right, and would you, right, now you know. You're like, okay, so next time the shower or one of the time. Communication is lubrication. It is. It's so true, sister. That is so great.

I'm really going to run with that. I feel like we need to confess because I wanted to say this earlier when I was saying with people coming out there on the internet and just being so like, I'll put it out there. I saw a tweet of mine. This is my confession. Okay, go. I'm ready. I saw, you're going to die.

I saw a tweet of mine. And Sean was like, did you tag him in it? And I'm like, I sure did. I tweeted at John Stamos and said, oh my God. I said, I'm going to go sit on a dryer and think about at John Stamos. I tweeted at him. Right. I think in my mind.

That was that, well, I don't even know how old I was when I tweeted that. Oh, you were, okay. This was a long, not like yesterday. No, this was like, I mean, maybe like eight years ago. Okay. And I was like, did I, I probably didn't think he would ever read it. But now being on Twitter, I'm like, he probably saw that. Yeah.

And that's creepy. I think it's kind of funny. I didn't go sit on a. No, but the fact that you even thought about it, a dryer, like you actually can get turned on sitting on a dryer on the spin cycle. They always talk about this. Yeah. The washer.

Anyway, but that's, so that's your. confession. My confession is that I tweeted at John Stamos and told him I was going to sit on a dryer and think about him. I think that's hilarious. You're so... Okay. That's embarrassing. That is embarrassing. If I didn't tag him, that's funny. I tagged him. Do you remember what you have a huge crush on him? Were you like, I hope he

says, come over. I'm doing laundry. No. I don't. I think of him as an uncle. Uncle Jesse. Exactly. That is so funny. I think that's a really good one. Because I was thinking about the spin site. I actually brought you a copy of my book, which is from a few years ago, and I'm not even But there's a thing on here about have sex on the washer dryer. So I was like, how did you know that then, people?

Oh, that's the thing. It's the thing. Can't wait to read about it in your book? It is a frigging thing. What is that book called? Hot Sex. Oh, yeah. It's called Hot Sex over 200 things.

And this is why this will be great for a play for you guys, because you just open up two page and you're like, tonight, babe, let's try this. But it's like, it has just cool positions and teasing. It's very visually pleasing, too. Yes. We took pictures of, we actually illustrated people having sex. We took pictures of people having sex and then illustrated it. Oh, this is.

This is good. But I love it for couples because you're just like, or individuals, you just open it up. You're like, yeah, feed me grapes on the bed. Yeah. Or like tease me with your whatever. Like, I'm going to do a strip tease for me here. Oh, man. This is awesome.

Oh, I like this. Okay, good. That'll be fun for you. So we're doing confessions. Okay, yeah. So here's my confession. I had so many. So last night I was like, like, she wants a confession.

Yep. So the one that I thought that was the most, okay, so I was going to a, in a very important meeting. like last year ago and I um so do you know what kegill balls are they're like those weighted ball they're so you know kegill exercises so you tense and relax the pelvic floor muscles because for women like everything gets weaker over time it can atrophy it keeps you like women can have stronger orgasms and it helps you with giving birth doesn't it yes yeah you want to have a strong pelvic floor and if you do Pilates or yoga typically you do you have them and um it just it helps

with stronger orgasms it helps women just if you're because first a lot of women were disconnected from our like literally we're in our head or our bodies and they don't connect so I started wearing these balls because one of my clients like my sponsors sent me these like really cool caggle balls that are weighted and you wear them and you can just wear them out meaning instead of doing the for caggles you do the pee stop and start the flow of urine and you do I have an iPhone app called kegill camp like I did it like eight years ago what the heck I never do these right because nobody does So the doctor's like, do them in a traffic light. You're like, yeah, like, I'll remember.

I'm like Snapchating. Yeah, yeah. Like, what the fuck? But then I was like, I have an app. Like, it reminds you twice a day, do your cudgles. But I was like, that's still sometimes I'm like, you know, snooze. Yeah. So there's these, now these weights, these balls that you put in, they look like little balls.

You put it in? You put it in with like a straight. It looks like a tampon, but they're like silicone. Okay. And you wear them. And you can, the best part is you can walk around in your daily life, like when you're exercising, they're just going to a meeting. And you're naturally working them out with that.

having to actually do the muscles because you're you're keeping them in it's not like you're walking around with their legs but there's three different weights so like if they're and then it builds up your muscles over time okay so I had just got and I get I get toys to test out like all day long my office we get like 20 pounds toys I put these new balls in I was running to like an important meeting yeah it's like some kind of like new manager thing at this big office whatever and I was doing wide leg pants it was in the summer your cagle balls fell out and I put one inside of me and it was okay here's a thing I'm like I have a loose vagina just if you're I was like, it was like my 30 days of wearing the balls every day.

It was like something I was doing for where I was like, I'm trying this out. And I put it in, but only halfway. I was rushing, like doing the makeup in the car one of those days. And I walk into the meeting and this woman greets me. She's like, would you like some coffee? Come back. And she walked me back. And all of a sudden, I'm standing there and a purple ball falls out of my pants and starts bouncing on the floor.

Yes. And I just bend down. I pick it up and I grab it. And I just throw it in my bag. Now, I didn't make a joke like, oh, that came from my vagina. on that's a kegagel ball? Right, because nobody would ever know. No, but it was like, it was a, it was up, swipe it up. Yeah, yeah. So that was my confession. It took me, it happened, because usually I tell everything to my staff and it was two weeks later, I was like, you guys, this is what happened,

because I have to, like, think about, like, I was so good at repressing it. That doesn't often happen with these balls, but when you do it haphazardly. Right. That's funny. I did the, not with Kagle balls. Is that how you say it? Kegel. Kegel. Kegel. It's hard. Kegel, keggle, keggle um i'm just i hope my girlfriend doesn't listen to this because her i'm not all the time i'm not even gonna say i'm like i'm not even gonna say i'm like i my producer i'm like we have to edit it yeah exactly she's gonna be bad at me i'm like i did it all the time um but uh one time i was on a sky train in vancouver i think

i was like 20 years old and i um put on my boyfriend at the time sweatpants and i must have worn them like at night before or something but anyways my dirty undies were in the sweatpants i got off the sky train and my dirty underwear fell out of my sweatpants like they were down at the bottom yeah came out of one leg I was like oh man I like people for sure saw it right I've done stuff like that where I've worn the pants the night before and the underwear is still in there yeah that's what it was like what is this yeah yes but I didn't feel it until it's on the sky train oh my gosh okay um okay so the one of the biggest most common things I saw in my direct messages was um people with low sex drive or it not be

And so you kind of already answered this with like practicing and doing it more or whatever. But so much more to it though. Yeah. What are like simple things people could do to increase their sex drive or is it like a hormonal thing or is it everything? It's everything. So is what mostly women asking you, right? All women. Yeah.

Right. So here's the thing about sex drive and libido is that, well, first of all, let's talk about the medical factors. If you're on antidepressants, like an SSRI that makes it better or worse? So that can take that can. really take a hit on your sex drive. They can orgasm, you have no desire. And so if that's the case, you can often go to your doctor. You can get, you know, pills that you can, like, play with your med so you can, it works

out. Or birth control pill can also have an impact on it. Okay. If you rule out all other health things and you're just like, I'm not in the mood for sex, typically that happens for people who are in longer term, like, if they're in a relationship for a year or two, women are like, I'm just not into it. And I think a lot of times it can be because they're not connected with, they haven't have these conversations with their partner to know because they gotten bored it's gotten

stale so they need to say to their partner in the compliment sandwich way like i i feel like our obviously our sex life is so important i'm so attracted to you but i feel like lately it's just been it's been harder for me to get excited about it it's not that i don't feel that you're great but what can we do together to kind of get it going again so the the problem is that it gets stale over time it gets boring she's like really again they have studies now women are like i had no sex drive, and then they go on in affairs. I'm not saying you to affairs, but it's not a real thing. It's a mental thing.

So our brain is a large sex organ. So if we're not thinking about sex, it's not top of mind, we're not going to want to have sex. But also what I'm going to say, and this gets to my like, can you not, is like, I believe that men and women, there's a big disconnect in understanding the way women get aroused and men get aroused. So we are slow cookers. Yeah. Men are frying pans.

Sean walks in and sees you You're so hot He's got a boner He's coming with you Towards the kitchen And you're like I'm the last thing I want to sex

Whereas women We're like We want we need to get turned on You need to get me in the mood Right Yeah And so that's a very We can't

We do not get turned on Like we think that we should Just be desiring sex all the time Like men Once it's there we might want to But for women So what some things you can do Is

Let your partner know That like first of all For play like I said Not a suggestion or requirement. Like you literally, maybe you need more oral sex. Maybe you need to make out for 15 minutes. Like, this all counts as foreplay and getting you on board. But when someone comes coldly, right?

Yeah, love a good makeup. And it's the first thing that goes after in long-term relationships. So you're not making out. He's not slowly undressing you. I think most in long-term relationships, it's typical that you rush through foreplay. Like, here we go. Let's do this. You're ripping your clothes off.

You're not even seeing anything. Your pants are still on and you're having sex. You're like, I'm so not turned on right now. So I think that for women, if we know how we want to be, like, seduced and get into the mood and, like, that's okay. Like, text, like, sexy things. Like, I can't wait to see you tonight. I keep thinking about last night when you were the way you were kissing me. It felt so good.

So you keep sex top of mind and you want to constantly, I think, be bringing in some, like, novelty to it. So, like, maybe you're just looking forward to something. So maybe you go shopping in a sex toy store. You buy some new toys together. or you vacation sex. We can't do that in public. Right. Order them online.

Oh, that's a good one. So I can tell you some, I bought you some toys too, but like, that's a way to spice it up. Sexting, watching porn together. Like, I know earlier what you were saying about porn, but there's female friendly porn. You can watch it together and you can be like, oh. Yeah, yeah. There's just, you got to work on it and you got to talk and be honest and be like, I want to have sex with you, I'm attracted to you. I don't know what it is.

And typically it's novelty, newness. And sharing your fantasies, what I love, the final thing. I'll say is a great, easy exercise for couples is to do, like, a sexy bucket list where you each write down three things that you want to try, like fantasies. And of course, we have fantasies that we don't want to try, so that we don't want them to know. Right. Don't put those on the list. It's more like, can you tie me up or I love when you talk dirty?

And then you exchange a list. And you're like, oh, next date night, we're going to role play or we're going to try a toy. Because then you're like, at least you know there's something to look forward to, but when sex is the same, you're just going to. So I don't believe that there's something wrong with any of these women. It's more like they're doing the same things and we've got to start talking about it and becomes better. And for those women out there that do, like, a lot of women suffer from after having kids, you have to go on, like, medicine. So if it is that, then you go talk to your doctor. Go talk to your doctor.

And also women after childbirth, things are messed up down there. Like, if you had a vaginal birth, like, doctors will tell you that you can have sex after three months. but I will tell you for many women it might be six it might be four it might be five and that you don't feel guilt and don't feel pressured into it

and you do need to like do your cagels get it back in order down there but also it's okay to ask for intimacy from your partner because what happens is they're like oh he wants to have sex it's been three months

he literally said his alarm went off right he's like it's been three months babe and she's like oh my god this last thing I want like I've got a kid on my nipple all day and I have no time so he's got to also be like, oh, you, you want physical touch. So I'm going to give you a foot massage.

I want to massage you. I want to nurture you. And then, like, slowly build it back up again. But to have that pressure that we have to get going now, there has to just be a connection about what women desire. We hold the keys to great sex. And I think that we're told that men does. And I'd like to reverse that and let women know that they want to please you.

You have the power. I know it's not easy, you know, you weren't told that. But if you, like, think about the things that you need and you let your partner know, I'm sure he'll be on board. Because the other thing that happens is he gets home. Like I said, he's so excited and he keeps trying and you're not. So you've got to have like a middle ground where you can get to his place. Right.

And then you'll want it again. Because you both expect the other person to just do it. Yes. Yeah. And how it was. Yeah. Why? Okay.

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No adjustment needed. Hurry to Tommyjohn.com slash vine for 20% off your first order. That's Tommyjohn.com slash vine for 20% off Tommyjohn.com. Slash vine. I think you got it. We'll be back with more. Off the Vine with Caitlin Bristow. From Podcast One and The Voice of the American People,

it's time to fight back with Barbara Boxer. It's so hard, I think, for the average person who has to get up in the morning to follow this stuff. This is a problem, solvable. All we have to do is look around the world. They have made a difference in Florida. It's unbelievable.

Listen free and subscribe to Fight Back with Barbara Boxer. Exclusively on Apple Podcasts, podcast1.com and the podcast one app. If you love the show, share it with a friend and leave us a rating and review. Off the Vine with Caitlin Bristow. I think we should get to Ken you Knotts. Can you not?

I thought it would be perfect to do obviously Keny Knot's sex edition because naturally. So many. There's so many. I wish I had like an hour to do Keny Knotts because it's a good way we would learn. It is a good.

Yeah, I'm excited to hear your can you nots and then we're going to take some calls from people and here there can you nots because I think this is going to be interesting I do so and you know what we should get a lot of men to listen to this podcast because they could learn a lot today I will tweet out too I think they can I think that men we we learn a lot from women I know my following is I mean 92% females so but we'll get them to get their men to listen half and half men so there you go half men have women okay give me a kenya not okay I've got um um I Uh, can you not just go down to me for like two seconds?

I could have had, I, I could, can you not just go down to me for two seconds? I could have had more success if you got me a glass of water right now. That would have been more effective. Like, I'm thirsty. So if you got me a glass of water, going down to me for two minutes doesn't count. Right. Yeah. And then, like, I did it, so.

Yeah, that doesn't count. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Can you not? Can you not? Can you not? Can you not be so upset if I don't have an orgasm during. Can you not? Can you not please just be so obsessed if I have.

an orgasm during intercourse because most women just don't i was going to ask you about that because i think that's a thing i don't think many women can orgasm during sex and if you can god bless you right 30% only 30% can and if those 30% not every time okay okay okay okay um okay um okay uh yeah can you not be butt hurt if i don't know if i'm orgasm during intercourse uh can you not just stick your fingers in me like you're digging for change or trying to get a gumball loose from a machine Yeah, that's a great way to put it. Yeah, like trying to get that gumball. No, dude, slow.

Can you slow everything down? Slow everything down. Maybe it's not, right. Like, whatever you're learning that is wrong. Can this not be a race? Yeah. Okay. Can you not just go when you orgasm or you're excited?

Like, we want to hear you too. Some guys are like, or we don't even know when they're going to come or not like, can you just let snow? Can you not just because of the weird noise that we're like, we don't know if you came. Communication is lubrication people. Exactly. Have you haven't got that by now? Okay, wait this. Can you know, here's this for me.

Can you not say you, can you not say you didn't Google me when you clearly did? Oh my gosh. That's like a dating thing. I haven't been able to do that yet because obviously I haven't been in the dating world in a long time. But I always wondered that like with Googling people now. He'll be like, well, you did that in Michigan. I'm like, how do you know I'm from Michigan? How'd you in the town I grew up in?

Oh, awkward. Can you not Google me? Can you not just Google? Yeah. Is it my doing the right? You said, can you not, can you not assume, oh, can you not assume that I just like something in bed because of your ex did? Because I'm not your ex.

Yeah, that's, we're all different here. Right? Yeah. That's a good. That's a good. That's a good. Can you not? Can you not just assume that I want to be choked because you saw it in porn?

Yes. Oh, God. Not everyone must be choked. I don't. Some might. Go slowly. Slowly. Like, look.

Hey, I'm all for, if you're out there, you're out there, you're like, like choking go for it not for me good for you not for me do we have oh we have phone lines coming in I love it hello you're on off the vine oh my goodness hi you don't have to say your name because I mean we can all be anonymous here for this because maybe your man listens but do you have a can you not sex edition for us yes can you not we'll do the helicopter right in front of me and expect me to have sex with Oh, my God, I totally agree with his penis. Yeah, the helicopter.

Wait, do they do that to you and think that's turning you on? Oh, my gosh. Like, it's ridiculous. Are you in college? That's not so bright approach. No, I'm 29. No, men at 29 are still doing the helicopter. I have to say, I've seen it recently.

What? In the guy who's 40s? Yeah, you're so right, sweetie. I'm like, we don't want to see like a penis in the wild. It's better. Oh, yeah. And, wait, did they do the fruit basket, too? What's that?

Oh, I mean, yeah, I don't know. That's stupid. The fruit basket. I don't know what that means. The fruit basket is when they tuck it all behind them, and then they turn around and bend over, and it looks like it. Save that for your fraternity, brothers. Okay, if a guy ever does the helicopter to you again, just say, can you not? And walk away. Can you not do that?

That's such a good one. Oh, my gosh. Thank you for calling in. You're welcome. Thank you for having me. Bye. That's so funny. Oh, my gosh.

Do we have another one? Okay. Hello, you're on Off the Vine. Can you not? Hi. Hi. I'm so excited. Yeah, we're excited too.

Give us your Ken and not. Can you not act like it slipped when you were trying to put it elsewhere? Oh, good one. That is so good one. Oh, it slipped. Yeah. Oops. I do that.

Like, oh, my no-no area. That is going to say that happens, right? Oh, my gosh. Oh, I didn't know. Yeah. That's a good one. That's a really good one. Great.

Thank you for that. Can you not? I'm, yeah, that's a good one. I'm so. That's amazing. Mad respect. I'm not. I'm not.

Thank you for calling in. That was so good. That's funny. Can you not just rush through? Oh, someone else calling it. I just feel like, can you not just, I don't know, just rush these, rip my clothes off without like even paying attention to the laundry that I bought tonight. Like, yeah.

I dressed up for you. Can you not just rip it all. thrown on the floor. That's a good point. Spend a minute and pretend that, like, I tried for a moment to wear something sexy. Yeah. Enjoy it. Yeah.

Enjoy it because lingerie ain't cheap. It ain't cheap. No. Right. And it's sexy and it's hot. We made an effort. But they just forget. Yeah.

That's because they are all horned up and we're like, come on. Right. Give us something to work with. Oh, gosh. She's laughing. This means it's going to be a good one. Hello. You're on Off the Vine.

Can you not? Can you not? Do you have one for us? I do. So nothing ruins the mood more when you and your husband are, you know, doing the deed and your dog tries to get involved. Oh. Yeah. This is a big one.

Oh, can you not, Tucker? Can you not lick my husband's butt? Yeah. Why do they do that, too? Like, why is it when you're in that moment, do you get, does the dog get? up there and they like sniff it out right and it's like if you leave it outside like if you leave my dog outside he's like making noises the whole time anyway it's like whining so oh yeah Tucker loses his mind yeah you got a lot it must be a golden retriever thing mine's it's golden

really yours is a gold they're like get jealous they get jealous because they're like there's some mating going on I saw the doggy style can you not golden retrievers oh I will never say that sentence again in my life but oh good one thank you so much for calling in. No problem. That's amazing. Have a good one. Hello, you're on Off the Vine with Emily and Caitlin.

Can you not? What's up? Can you not, like, get a leg cramp when I'm enjoying it for once? A leg cramp? Is that he's like, I'm out? I got a little cramp. Does this happen often? I wouldn't say often, but he is very athletic.

It does happen more than I would like it to. Tell him to hydrate. Tell me to get a massage and then you stretch it all out. Before you guys are going to go ahead and do that, can you be like, can now be like, go get a massage, drink a gallon of water, and then let's do the damn thing. Yeah, and I will tell him that I had some good advice that he needs to take. There you go. Get him to listen to this podcast.

This will be good. Yeah. This is going to change the game when people listen to this podcast, I tell you. I think so, too. I love it. Okay, great. I'm glad I'm glad that I can help out other girls, too, if they're in this situation. No, this was helpful. Thank you.

Yes, ma'am. Thank you for calling in. I appreciate it. Yeah, no problem. Okay, bye. How about can you not sick? Can you not make excuses with the condoms? Your penis is not too big for a condom.

What is that a thing? Yeah, guys like, it's too big. I can't, or can we not, you know, can you not use excuses why not to use a condom? Because guys, like, I can't feel anything. Oh, God, yeah. You're like, well, you'll feel a child. Exactly. Unless you're ready to be a dad. That's amazing. Okay, I think we're going to close.

So there's a new active deodorant for women made by secret. Oh, see what I did there? That was good. What an intro. It's called Secret Active. It's activated by activity, so it is designed to work when you're moving around a lot. So that could be fitness, but it doesn't have to be. Most of us are moving around during the day and at some point do something. Secret Active is designed with long-lasting scents, which provides a constant reassurance that it's working. Secret Active uses sweat-activated technology. It has odor-neutralizing molecules to trap odor, lock it away, and then replace it with a fragrance. It works all day long, so you will not be reapplying deodorant every time the heart rate goes up.

So if you're active, you need a product like Secret Active. Do it. Sex stock goes by so fast. I know, because it's so good, because we don't talk about it enough. You're right. It's very intriguing, and I want to know more, and this is just amazing. So, okay, so I've got a lot of people asking questions, and they're great questions, and these people, I'm going to leave anonymous. Okay.

Okay. So my husband and I have been married for five years, together for 10. We love each other very much, and he's always initiating sex with me. So I know it's not a lack of chemistry. He can get hard, and we have amazing sex, but he has a really hard time finishing. It rarely happens. any girl's dream right not when you'd like to expand your family and have more kids I don't know if this is a physical issue or if he just is in his own head any suggestions great question so there's something called delayed ejaculation and so there's a lot of men

who no matter what they just cannot ejaculate during intercourse alone they that's better than the other way premature yeah yeah she'd rather have you take a lot longer but but for this woman I would say that he should definitely get checked up by his doctor because and there's but the problem is there's not a ton you can do about delayed ejaculation, it's just some guys. So you might find that there's other ways, like maybe you stimulate him other ways until right about he's about to ejaculate

and then he could go inside you. But it could, if he's always been this way throughout your whole relationship and throughout his whole life, probably not during masturbation. These guys can usually do it a little quicker. Yeah.

But some guys just can't. And I wonder that too if maybe he feels the pressure of her wanting to have more kids. Well, that's the other thing. It's just been going on the whole relationship or is it lately? But if it's always been like, I did a guy once, and it was like, every time, it was like an hour.

And he's like, I've always been this way. I'm like, well, I don't have an hour every time. No. So figure it out. Like, we'll use your hands. We use the mouth. That's a long time. Dude, who's got time?

I mean, I'll talk about it for an hour. We'll talk. We'll do something. Finish on your own. I'll help you with my hand and watch TV. I don't want to do it. It takes forever. It's fine, though.

You just got to know what your jam is and how you roll. This one is a little heavy, and I don't know. I hope we can have some advice for her. Yeah. She said, I would like to make this anonymous, of course. She's really struggling to get intimate with her husband. She said she recently had a miscarriage and want to know how long it usually takes to get back to a place where having sex is emotionally comfortable and doesn't remind her of a loss. Oh, that's such a good question.

So many women have miscarriages. It is so common. Again, another thing that people don't have conversation about. I know. This is why I love when people, like, reach out. I have to say that you have to go at your own pace. So as long as you have a health. healthy outlet and you have friends you're talking to you or our therapists and just just know that

it happens to make us feel better like everyone else has it but it's it's part of it like you got close so you know you can actually have get pregnant now and the more you can like kind of just attach more to the future what's going to happen not be dwelling on what happened in the past you'll you'll be better off I'm not going to give you a time limit yeah because everyone feel it now but feel it now like cry with your friends cry with your partner go go to therapy but the quicker you can move past it, the better. So you have a choice around it, but just don't brush it out of the rug. Feel your feelings.

But I'm telling you, if you love your husband, you guys are in it together, you can start having sex again, probably pretty soon. But just honor it. Like that's the biggest problem with emotions is when we repress them and we expect them to go away. And we're just like, I'm a mess. I'm crying. I'm having a breakdown. You'll move past it much quicker.

That's so true. Right? Sean, if you're listening, that's why I have breakdowns all the time. I'm just trying to move through something. I really do. I let it all out. Good for you. And then I move on.

And he's like, how about, how are you feeling? You're like, about what? Because you're good. I get it. Dude, I get it. I feel way better after a breakdown. So good. That's true.

Just like, let it out. That's one of my health and wellness coach is Aaron Trillor. She always says to sit in something uncomfortable. That's true. That's how we grow. Like, we're so easy to distract. Yes. Our phones.

Wine, which actually is a good distraction. Wine's great distraction. If a woman is experiencing pain, after a hysterectomy, are there exercises she can do and how long should the pain last during? That's a great question. So I, first of all, just the subject of pain, but 80% of women experience pain during intercourse throughout their lifetime. 80%? 80%, not every time, but oftentimes.

And what women, again, as the pleasers and whatever, we think that's normal. Yeah. Like, I'm just going to live with pain. Yeah. As long as he's happy, whatever. So I don't, after the hysterectomy, I would. say what does your doctor say if your doctor said it should last a month and it's been two months then then you should go see your doctor but I think it's typical they probably give you a time

you probably can't have sex for a certain amount of time yeah but if it continues like there could be something else going up so I would go back to your doctor and just say this is what's happening but if you're having pain do not do not like grin and bear it like don't have sex you're pain go back to your doctor and don't rush it because oftentimes they underestimate the time it takes to heal from things and also there's other ways to satisfy each other than sex. Right. This is what I made things.

Intercourse is not like the end goal. You could like have oral and then intercourse and they go back to foreplay. Sex is not linear. Yeah. And intimacy can be great even without penetration. I'm telling you, a good makeout. That's all I need. Good makeout.

That's all I want. This person said my body has never self-lubricated in my vaginal area during sex. So I need to use lube. Is there any way to fix this or does this just happen with some women? Well, so this happened, this is, I love this question, too, because there's a huge myth around women and lubrication. So what we're told is that when we're turned on, we're all lubricated. Yeah. When we're not turned on, we're dry and there's a problem.

Yeah. The myth around this is that the truth is women can be very turned on and not wet. Yeah. Or they could be wet and not turned on. So your wetness is not an indicator of your arousal. That's one thing. it changes for women certain times a month if we're on the birth control pill we're getting our period we're ovulating so my my solution to all of this is to use lube every time you have sex

here's why even if you're like really wet we know like you're wet at the beginning and then you're not 10 minutes later and you got to so for me the thing about lube and i love joe lube um i brought you some too you're going to love it's on my website too it's sex with emily but buying a good quality lube that you just it's part of me like I have sex and I automatically use lube just a few drops because it it makes sex better for men and for women because if you're not well lubricated you can have tears and there's things can happen and also the kinsie institute indian university who did all that you know kinsie sex god 80% of women are more likely to orgasm if you had just a few drops of lube and the problem

with lube though is like my dream one of them lube on every nightstand just leave there like I do not have sex with that lube. Because we're not, clitoris is not self-lubricating. We might turn on eventually. But the problem is men are conditioned and women to think, oh, there's a problem. We better get the lube.

I didn't turn her on. She's dry. No, no, no, no. Really, you should just start it off of that. So, yeah, it could be birth control, about a million things. Always use lube. I bought you leave that you're going to love.

Thank you. It tastes really good, too. It's chocolate. But like a good flavored lob. It's called Joe. Anyway, we'll talk. Every time these noises, I keep happening, I'm like, is there a freaking,

Earthquake? I get so scared. I'm fun with that, but just kidding. It would be scary. I'm terrified of earthquakes. I am too. I grew up with tornadoes. Oh, I survived through one in Canada.

Yeah, it was called Black Friday. We got about that. Do you like sit in the bathroom like this? I pretended, this is what I used to do as a child. I used to sleep when I used to pretend to sleep when bad things happened. That's a good adaptive coping mechanism. I was like three and I'd be like, ah, this isn't happening. I'm sleeping.

that's that's actually right that's funny yeah you actually were like I'm shutting down yeah do that um yep I was like um yeah I do I didn't happen I'm really tired right now I'm I can go either way I can go either way I can like have a full down a full meltdown and talk about it or I can pretend it's not happening I go I go both ways this person said why can I not bring myself to orgasm I get to a point where it's painful and I'd rather stop than finish off How can I overcome this? By yourself or with the part we don't know. She said bring myself.

Probably through masturbation. So for a lot of women, it can't feel like, it depends. Like for women, they often feel like they have to pee and they keep going and they have an orgasm. But if you're having pain, I'm not sure if it's during intercourse or on your own with a vibrator. I would, don't push through that. I would talk to a doctor. But if it's pain or just like, it's like I have to pee pain because that's what happens for women, then you might want to keep going.

but the pain thing is I would get checked out Go get checked out by your doctor Yeah a lot of these I'm like just go see your doctor No really like I'm a sex doctor But I'm not looking at you right now Exactly you can't see now Right and you don't know details Right but I just want to say for any woman experiencing pain

So normal it comes and flows Ebs and throws ebbs and flows I love drinking wine on your podcast Throughout your lifetime But you shouldn't suffer through pain And a lot of women like are like Yeah that's one thing that women should take away from this podcast is if there's pain.

Right. If there's pain and you're not having your needs met by your partner, your partner's on a mind reader, you need to let them know. Yeah. Based on what the sexpert, sexpert, oh, is that worse too? They call me sexpert. Oh, okay, sex expert. Has learned talking to people over your career,

what approximate percentage of women actually get orgasms from just intercourse? You already said this right, 30, 30. 30%. Okay. And not every time. 30% and not every time. And that should just make women go, oh. But wait, this is my question.

Yep. Are they orgasming from the actual intercourse or is it from the touching of the G-spot? Okay, so there's two ways. So women, a lot of women can orgasm during intercourse because of clitoral stimulation when they're rubbing against, because you're on top or the bottom and your clitoris is rubbing against his stomach or whatever. Yeah. But for some women, it's G-spot.

So, and it's kind of a combination of both. So if you are not able to organize them during intercourse, totally cool to play. And the reason why is it's anatomy too, because women's anatomy is all set up. Some women's clitoris might be a little closer and easier to like maneuver against a guy's penis while some aren't. So women should never be ashamed, ever are shy of being like, I need more clitorial salmation. I'm using my fingers, your fingers are a toy. Done. Yeah.

And then you'll come. What I'm really taking away from this is talking everything. Everything. How often, this is another question, how often do people think about other people while having sex with their partner? more often than you'd like to think and it's totally okay you don't need to tell your partner and also don't be jealous about it because that is the way our brains work we all have like the spanking thing like I know I know I'm like no sweetie I know and I don't want to tell you that this is it's almost like it's just we can't help it we crave variety and different we got the spank bank

for men and I'd say it's but don't press him on it because he's not going to want to tell you or she's not going to want to tell you but having a healthy rich fantasy life that you don't want to share with anybody is fine and it actually again we need those fantasies and it's going to happen but let me tell you something just because he masturbates and just because he's thinking about the hot barista that morning does not mean that he loves you any last

that's true it really doesn't and I know that women are like I'm the only one but it's just it's not realistic that's true so it's that's his release another thing to take away from the podcast confidence is the most attractive thing most attractive thing and it's self-love too it's believing your confidence and getting to a place where you do know,

like, hey, if he is thinking about something else, doesn't mean he doesn't love me. Exactly. He might need that moment to get over. It doesn't mean it. I just needed that little talk through. I'm like, oh, my God, if Sean thought about somebody else or he says, I mean, mortified them.

Right. No, you know what? No, but he knows that he adores you. And they literally can't help, but they're like, I've been, they like loop through like, you couldn't even tell what it was if you were in the brain. It'd be like, a million different boobs. Not every time. Yeah, yeah.

It doesn't matter. Like, he loves you. But they can't, it's wiring and it's suffering. Yeah. separate it. Okay. The last question is what are common factors slash ingredients you recognize in couples that have crazy mind-blowing sex lives? That's such a good question. They communicate a lot about sex. They are willing to try new things. They're not judgmental. They're open to exploring and learning together and understanding that having longevity in your sex life and having

a long-term healthy sex life means it's going to take that you're going to be talking about it and not judging each other and it's communication it's communication all goes back to communication it really does that that we never talk we expect them to figure it out how the how would you know not only in the bedroom everywhere right right everywhere talk about it vulnerability like we're so afraid of because ultimately we're afraid of not being loved being rejected so we're afraid if i say i need you just bank me during sex yeah that he's going to be like you're a slut or can't believe you need that and now i'm leaving you right ultimately everyone's leaving us so we're to be alone. That's not going to happen. The show, The Bachelor, Bachelorette, too. It's like they

pounce on your vulnerabilities and your insecurities and they want you to feel those because it's better TV and it's so sad. But it's like being vulnerable is always something that you hear the most on that show being like, I don't want to be vulnerable. And I was the same way. I was like, I don't want you. That's not me and I don't like it. I'm tough. I'm independent. But that's something that people should really start feeling comfortable with is sitting in your own thoughts and being uncomfortable and getting through it and understanding why. Exactly. People trust you.

Like, it's sex here. It's more credibility. If you're like, here's where my insecurities are. Like, here's where my problems with our sex life. You both know it's the elephant in the room anyways. We start talking about it. I'm telling you it makes such a difference. Okay.

Well, tell everybody where they can buy your book, what your book is, your website, your Instagram, everything. It's at Sex with Emily. I have a podcast. I release it twice a week. It's on iTunes. Everywhere else you find podcasts. And I have a lot of sex toy recommendations. I have a book called Hot Sex.

I have a bunch of toys on the site that I love. It's Sex with Emily, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, all that stuff. And on Twitter, are you good at, like, responding to the... Yeah, totally. And people also, a big part of my show is people sending me their, actually, their sex questions. So you can email me feedback at sex with Emily.com or text, ask Emily to 7979. Yeah, we have a text thing. Cool.

Yeah. I think that's so great. Yeah. Yeah. Text 79. Text, ask Emily, one word to 7979. And your question will be answered. Oh, that's cool.

Yeah. It's like I love helping people with their sex. I feel like we don't have enough places to go. And also becoming speaking, maybe somewhere you guys live. So sign up for our newsletter. Amazing. Subscribe, have a good time, have better sex. That's really what I want for everybody.

What do you get when you play Tug-A-War with a pig? What? Pulled pork. That's true. I mean, I get, I feel like I have sex jokes. No, that's okay. But this was so chock-full for people that maybe they're not even ready to laugh because they're so ready to...

That's true. They're just like, turn this podcast off so I can go jump. This is a good one. Wait. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball. Ha ha ha. Da-da-la-da. Yeah. I'm Caitlin Bristow. I'll see you next Tuesday.

Thanks for listening to Oscar Vine with Caitlin Briscoe. Get new episodes every Tuesday exclusively on podcast1.com, the podcast one app and subscribe on Apple Podcasts. Who's done with OTV? Let's review, shall we?

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