Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Shan Boodram: Achieving Your Pleasure Potential

Episode Date: February 15, 2022

Today’s guest describes herself as Dr. Ruth meets Rihanna and the Walmart greeter of intimacy, and we’re so happy she’s welcomed us into the intimacy convo to discuss turn on triggers, fantasies, becoming a better dater, and just generally how we can maximize our pleasure potential. Kaitlyn and Shan are talking everything sex, intimacy, and dating, from what sex positivity even means to dating app red flags. The two are also answering questions from the Vinos that get into how to discuss sex and pleasure with your partner, self-pleasure, and using toys in the bedroom. Shan shares a confession relating to her own love life, and the two work on cracking the case of Pete Davidson… What is it about that guy that just does it for people? This is such a fun episode no matter what your love life looks like. If you’re looking to make connections, check out Bumble, and find Shan on Instagram @ShanBoody! CYRANO - Don’t miss CYRANO, only in movie theaters February 25th. Learn more at cyrano.movie.   PROGRESSIVE - Get a quote today at Progressive.com.  ADORE ME - Shop intimates now on AdoreMe.com.  JENNI KAYNE - Find your forever pieces at jennikayne.com and get 15% off your first order when you use code VINE at checkout.   OSEA - Get 10% off your first order with promo code VINE at OSEAmalibu.com.  HELIX - Helix is offering up to 200 dollars off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for my listeners at HelixSleep.com/vine.  See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Okay, let's talk about the original enemies to lovers story. Before all of our reality TV couples, before the rom-coms, we binge, there was Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy in pride and prejudice. And Audible has just dropped a brand new original that will have you completely hooked, I am. It's not just any audiobook. This is a full cast performance. So Marisa Abella, you might know her from industry, brings Elizabeth Bennett to life.

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Okay, I'm not one to hide that I've definitely gone through some periods of insecurity and self-doubt, especially when it comes to love. Let me. Did you watch The Bachelor? Well, the upcoming movie musical, Serino, centers on a heartbreaking love triangle plagued by insecurity, something many of us can relate to, and I cannot wait to see it in theaters. It's February 25th. We all know I love a musical. So Serino is adapted from Siernaud de Bergerac, which is one of the oldest and most famous love stories of all time. Peter Dinklage, which I love him. He stars as Sirono, an incredibly talented poet and swore. wordsman who falls madly in love with Roxanne. Feeling insecure about his appearance, Sirono writes Roxanne beautiful love letters under the guise of Christian, a more conventionally

attractive soldier. Roxanne believes she's in love with Christian, but the catch is that Christian feels inadequate himself as he cannot compete with the true connection that Sierno and Roxanne share. Cirno is directed by award-winning director of Pride and Prejudice and Darkest Hour Joe Wright and features is a completely original score by Bryce and Aaron Dessner, members of the band The National. It's actually been receiving rave reviews and people are saying that Peter Dinklage gives a career

defining performance. I truly cannot wait to see this in theater. So don't miss Sierno. Only in movie theaters, February 25th. Learn more at sireno.movey. Hey, everybody. You're listening to Caitlin Bristow's podcast Off the Vine. Take it away, Brie.

Wine. Lots of wine. Hey, be on the mic. Turn it up. Let's go. Hey, ramen, Pino, ready for the show. Everyone's welcome, so come on in because OTV, it's about to begin. Hey. Welcome to Off the Vine. I'm your host, Caitlin Bristow.

Warning, this episode might be too hard to handle. Today's guest is a wealth of knowledge about love, sex, relationships, and has so many tips for us to truly live life to the fullest. I've got Shan Boudram, who is a sex educator, dating coach, and resident expert. We're on Netflix is too hot to handle. She describes herself as Dr. Ruth meets Rihanna, and there just couldn't be a better combo than that. V-Day was yesterday, so perfect timing.

I really wanted all of us to walk away from this conversation with an action item to improve ourselves, whether it be our sexual wellness or finding your person. I really think you're going to get a lot out of this episode and enjoy every second of it. Here's Jan. Okay. Well, I'm so glad that you're joining me. Thank you for being here. I've been looking forward to this all day. It's our day off. We're on tour with Dance with the Stars. And it's rare that you get a day off. And I am lucky that I love what I do because I actually look forward to podcasting. So I've been looking forward to this today. And I just wanted you to kind of take the floor for a hot second here and introduce yourself and what you do for everyone that's listening. My name is Shambudram. I am Bumble's relationship and intimacy expert. Overall, I am a public-facing

sex and relationship educator who is passionate about making people more confident and more competent in the bedroom and beyond. I love that. That's perfect. I just got to know, do you get a degree for that or how do you become an intimacy educator? Yes. I think that there's many a ways to skin a cat. it's if you put any hours in the time and you talk i mean you can be an expert on anything you put your 10,000 hours in i went to school for journalism and then i wrote a book that was called laid and after that i became a sex ed counselor in canada which is certifiable course i moved to california and i got an associate in sex ed and i got certified as a sexologist and then i have a degree in psychology and i'm pursuing my master's in psychology at a Arizona state university right now but certainly people have

different routes of getting here. I just think you're really, really fascinated and you should like to have sex and like to connect with people and love love as a baseline. And if you devote yourself to it and ask lots of questions and keep a curious mind, I think that you can call yourself an expert. I actually think this is one area that more people should feel confident and call themselves an expert. Like a lot of people would say, I'm a great cook. Right. People should say, I'm my own relationship expert. I like that. That's well, you've done a lot of hard work to get there, so I can appreciate that. And before I even say sex positive, how would you describe sex positive? Because, you know, the last couple seasons of The Bachelorette, people have been

sex positive. Katie, the Bachelorette was sex positive. And of all people, my fiance's mom was like, what does sex positive mean? And I'm like, well, I tried to like say what I thought, but I'm like, you're the perfect person to ask how you would define being sex positive. I think being sex positive is being curious to your own potential when it comes to intimacy, whether that be your sexual orientation, your preferences, your likes, also being open to understanding your boundaries. But then further to that, being open and curious about other people's. Essentially, you're somebody who doesn't yuck other people's yum and you're somebody who is curious about what sexuality means without having a very strict definition of what that looks like.

Good thing. This is recorded because I'm going to go back and listen. that right it down. I actually have like a really concise one written down. So by the end of the episode, I'm going to give it to you because it's like a concise sentence that I wrote down somewhere. So something that's a little bit, you know, more spiny and like pithy for your mother-in-law. I'll do that for you. Oh, I love that. Perfect. Thank you so much. And have you always been sex positive or open about your intimacy? Because I just feel like, like you said, you have to be passionate about it. You have to be wanting to learn all about it. So have you always been that way? Hell no. I think it's very rare. to meet people who've been sex positive because we don't live in a sex positive society. And as a result, we don't grow up in sex positive homes or go to sex positive schools. So if you, one, have all those boxes checked off, you are a unicorn or two, if you didn't grow up in those environments and you still were able to keep an open mind in this topic, like you're a unicorn. But for most of us, you know, I went to a Catholic school growing up. And my parents were definitely not repressive, but they were not

supportive of my sexual interests. And we're talking about an embarrassing story later. I literally have a billion when it comes to my sexuality and how as a younger person, you know, exploring that out loud definitely hardly worked out for me. So you internalize a lot of the shame that you get. And you furthermore, you bestow that judgment on the people that has been given to you. So I definitely participated in slut shaming culture in my teens. I definitely slut shamed myself. I definitely probably had opinions. I probably laughed out loud when I first heard about a man who liked to be anally penetrated. So a lot of those things are things I had to actively work out of myself. And one of the coolest things about actively studying. I say this is a thing that people can

passively do. And I do believe that that kind of like cooking, you don't have to go to a prestigious school to say I'm a good cook. But one of the benefits of going the traditional route of sex educating yourself is this course that's called SAR, which is sexual attitude reassessment or readjustment where they just basically expose you to all of this triggering material around sexuality. You know, different ways people exist sexually, different sexual orientations, the sexuality to the justice framework. And they force you to confront a lot of your biases. So I'm constantly confronting my biases and learning new ways that I didn't realize I wasn't as open as I could be. So it's ongoing. And anyone can go and take that and look into that? If you're enrolled, I mean,

Most of the time, you know, you should be like enrolled in a course or like, for example, ASEC, which is like a great, you know, tool in America to go to. You just need a degree to enter into those programs. But there are, I'm sure they have sorry that people can just voluntarily go to and you should look into them if you're interested because they're really fascinating. Yeah. Even as you're saying all these things, I'm thinking about growing up and I'm like, sex was talked about like my mom would talk to me about it or like we had a pretty open relationship

with talking about that, but there was still so much shame. around it and shame especially like depending what age but even so much shame as I grew up and as I went on to see the bachelorette I was known to be the sexual bachelorette who talked about what happened in the fancy suites or talked about sex on the show and there's so much shame around it not from myself at that point but from other people and it still seems to be such a taboo topic do you find that or do you surround yourself with people like because you probably make a lot of friends in the world you're in and because of the podcast world you get to speak on. You were on Netflix doing this kind of stuff. So do you still find that everybody

sees it as a taboo topic? Heck yeah. I think the particular way that I'm called to do this work, I refer to myself as the Walmart greeter of intimacy. And essentially that means my job is to get the average person who never thought it's your mother-in-law is to get your mother-in-law excited about her pleasure potential or what sexuality could look like for her. And so I'm talking to people constantly and I'm showing up in places constantly where people are not comfortable with this conversation. So I've been on the view before where I've been ganged up on by all the women who were shaming me for my lifestyle.

And I've been on Steve Harvey before actually where he was shaming me for my lifestyle. So I not only do I personally experience it, but I see it all the time. And in the spaces that we're in online, I see it all the time in the comments. comment section, which to me just affirms the need for the work. Like you needed to be on The Bachelor. And I hope that you felt that. That's like, oh, like this is a sign that someone like me was so necessary. Not like this is a sign that I should have been any different. No, that's exactly. I mean, thank God I was at the age I was because I could have that understanding. I felt like I was there for a purpose and that it gave me a voice and that all of a sudden so many people came forward who also were, you know, open about their sex life or saying like, that's intimacy is part of a relationship for me. Why? wouldn't I talk about it on The Bachelor what I'm trying to find, like, a husband. I mean, but it was pretty 50-50 on people who are supportive and people who are shaming around it. But how do you react when people like Steve Harvey or all the women on the view are coming at you for the work that you do? You have to really double down.

I remember saying to Steve Harvey like, hey, I've done more research in this area than you. Yeah. And that's just a fact of life that, yes, your anecdotal experience matters and your opinion matters. but if you have never gone beyond that, I have. And so I'm presenting a different outlook for you. And if you want to reject it, then you're rejecting a learning opportunity. And I hope you come along later, but I'm not responsible for every individual's progression or sex positivity, which my fast definition for that is sex positivity refers to having a positive attitude about sex,

your own sexual identity, and sexual behaviors as well as a sexual behavior's identity and attitudes of others. Yes. Oh, that's perfect. that's perfect i wish i could articulate my feelings like you just did to steve harvey because he's said a couple things to me before too where i'm like i don't even know how to respond to something like that because same thing was he said to you it was something about how awful i was to date that many men at the same time and that that's a man's job not a woman's that the man is

the hunter and the woman needs to be hunted and who is the guy that was, I always love that I forget his name. Oh, that actually is very powerful. Yeah. And yeah, maybe I want to say it because I'm like, I really, I really love that I don't remember it right now, but he on an interview while I was with my fiance at the time was like, I mean, I've been in situations. But if that was my girl who did that, yeah, I wouldn't be able to get over it.

I would be able to get over that she had sex with another guy. And we ended up hanging up on him. and then I was on Mario Loeb because it's not even that long ago and he said do you think men and women approach the fantasy suite differently? And I said, I don't think it's a man or a woman thing. I think it's just like you have virgins that go in there. You have people that are open with their sexuality that go in there. I don't think it's a man or a woman. And I said sexually open. And he started laughing and he goes, oh, you mean a whore. Oh, my goodness. I know. And I was just like beside myself and I just when I I need to get better at articulating like the

word because I feel so much I feel like so many feelings and then I have the worst time articulating them I just want to be like you asshole right I think it's equivalent to when you're around somebody who like mispronounces a dish or who you know gives somebody else a history less than you're like that's completely wrong so I feel like less attacked and more like, oh my gosh, you're a dummy. Yeah. Right? And lack of a better term, like, oh, how embarrassing for you is this moment because you're

actually like dealing with a limited amount of information and knowledge and you're coming across very stupid right now. So like, let me in a kind way just remind you like, here's the facts and here's the biological evidence that is now up to date. And for a very long time, scientists did not invest a single penny into understanding women's sexuality. Masters and Johnson was the first to do that. And that, of course, is not that long ago.

And so even now, it's still an issue to get people to invest in understanding women's sexuality. So the fact that you don't know, I guess, is understandable because it's just not taught in school and it's not educated. And it's to your benefit for men to kind of believe some of the rhetoric that they do that women are singularly sexual. And once they are attracted to you, they're never attracted to anybody else. And if they have evidence of that with any other body counts, then it's not valid. They're not a real woman. Like, I guess that's kind of nice for your ego. there's a ton of backlash that would come with that, too.

So I think men who become sex positive now see how stupid that mind thinking is and also too how it puts them in a box in terms of their own intimacy potential. So I think I just kind of flipped a switch where I was just like, oh, poor you. You don't get it still. I love that. I love that. Poor you. You know what?

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You'll get free samples with every order and orders over $50 get free shipping. You're going to want it all, trust me. Go to O-S-E-A-Malibu.com and use codevine. Uh, is this actually just before I got engaged since probably say 2018 or something like that, dozen 17. Were you on with other people? Yeah, I was on a panel. I said I did his like his panel a few times. And the one time that we were on it, we were talking about women who date multiple men. Yeah, I was on that episode with you. Were we together on that? Yes. Why do we not have recollections of each other? I just put this all together right now because as you're speaking about this,

I remember him saying these things to you. And I remember being like, how are people siding with him in the audience? Because you said it so perfectly. Yes, because it was talking about having multiple partners. So they brought me on as The Bachelorette. Oh, my goodness. Hello. This is a moment in time for me.

I just put that together right now because I was starting to be like, wait a second. He was saying the same things to me when I was on a panel. oh okay wow that's really what a small world that's yeah well we get to say hello again nice to see you instead of nice to meet you nice to see you again questioning your relationship with your fiance at the time because didn't you have an open relationship yes we were not engaged the time and we had an open relationship and essentially i was talking to him about the courting model where until that you're in a position where you know that this is your person like why limit your intimate And so it's less about control, but more just about, like, freedom.

And my relationship with my now husband started out as, I don't know if we can swear here, but started out as it started out as fuddies. Yeah. And I always make the differentiation between f*** buddies and friends of benefits because we weren't even friends. I was literally in a place in my life where I was on the fritz of deportation. I'd just come out of a toxic relationship. But I was in school for sexology.

So I was like, I want to practice on somebody. So he and I had seen each other in passing for a year and we got together. and I thought the chemistry was right. So we engaged in that relationship. So when we decided to further the intimacy, because we were getting along so well, we wanted to tell other people that we had a commitment,

but we also acknowledge what we loved and what we had is there was no ownership, there was no jealousy, and there was no policing each other's behavior. So we decided open was the best term for us. And Steve was like, a man who has an open relationship with you does not care about you.

He doesn't like you. He's not attracted to you. If he actually did feel those ways about you, then he would care about exclusivity. So yeah, that was that conversation. I totally remember that and I remember standing backstage and I remember thinking how beautiful you were. Oh my gosh. I was like that one is so beautiful. And I loved your message because I was like, yes, I am on your side. We were on with Garcell. I remember that because Garcel was siding with me and then later on Twitter when there was

backlash, she made a negative comment about me, which I was like, oh, that's kind of an energy shift, but I'm now cool with ourselves. That's that. She probably doesn't remember it. Yeah. That I even forgot that she was on that panel and I've had her on my podcast. How random. Like, we should have a panel reunion, apparently. We should have a panel reunion and all about how Steve Harvey's wrong. That's so funny. Wow, crazy. Funny that we just figured that out on this podcast. Okay. A lot of my listeners had questions for you that I'm excited to get into. So somebody wanted

to know, do you have any tips on normalizing talking about sex with your partner? Like a lot of my listeners, one, wanted to know how to introduce new things in the bedroom, how to spice things up in the bedroom, or even just to have a comfortable conversation around sex. Yeah. Well, I mean, to have a comfortable conversation around literally anything, like if we tried to talk about the internet right now and how it works in my Wi-Fi box, I would immediately start sweating. I'm like, is it not working? Who do I call? Because I'm just not familiar. I'm not in practice. I don't know the language. And as a result of it, it's going to be difficult for me. So I need somebody from AT&T to get on the phone with me

and walk me through each and every step. And so think of it like that. It's not different. I know we have sex. So for that reason, we feel like we should be able to have a dialogue around it. But you've never been taught the language. You've likely never been taught how to model healthy consent or how to model healthy boundary making. You've probably never had a dialogue before with anybody about what your fantasies and what your kinks are. So why would you all of a sudden and magically be able to do it and do it perfectly. So giving yourself the benefit of saying, okay, this is like talking about like taxes or whatever it is that you don't know to the point that it kind of stresses you out,

what advice would you give to yourself? You know, start really small, start very accessible. And furthermore, I would start practicing in low risk environments. So instead of attempting to have conversations about sex with your partner, when you're not quite sure, talk about it with your friends or maybe with your mom, if that seems like a bit more of a challenge for you, but get up the courage, learn the language, and then meet your partner at the level that they're at. If you're going to be the leader in the conversation and be the one who's got a bit more experience, then you may have to go down to their level, but then you're doing

so with the knowledge of where things are going to go because you have vision, because you've done the education, done the work. Porn is also a great tool to use because you can share videos and say, look at this thing that I saw. Fantasy or dreams are a great tool. I had this crazy dream last night you're not going to believe you can frame something in like a discussion that doesn't feel like it's personal like oh you're not doing this and i want you to but instead like i had this fantasy i had this dream about us or asking questions i think people really overlook that they think so much of the talk as the speech here's what i want to say here's what i want to tell you instead if i want to invite more curiosity and more dialogue and more freedom in the bedroom

How do I model that to my partner by leading with curiosity with them? That's a perfect answer. Well, it's very different for a lot of people, but porn seems to be such a, like some people don't want their person watching it because they think, oh, that's like, that doesn't look like me. That isn't how I act in the bedroom. Is that what they want for me? That's not me.

Or they think there's something wrong with watching porn. And then there's other people. Like for myself personally, I don't care if Jason watches. porn. I think that most people do. I'm gone on the road for two months. So naturally, I think that he's going to do that and that's perfectly fine with me. But what is your thought process around porn? Because I also, as much as I don't mind Jason watching it, I also think there's such a fantasy world that people need to separate too, like the way they're supposed to look, sound, act in a bedroom. You know, when boys start watching porn, if they're watching at a young age and they're seeing, they have

this skewed vision of what a woman should be like during sex. You know what I mean? A hundred percent. I think that we also think of porn as porn hub. We think of one kind of porn in one type of studio that creates it. There is ethical porn. So I'd also encourage your partner to seek out porn that is directed by women and that has realistic bodies and is actually an educational tool. So you have a right to, I wouldn't say right. I mean, everything in relationship is about negotiation and it's your own individual DNA creation of what is and isn't okay. But I think it is, it's possible to say, hey, here's the kind of porn that you're watching. Do you know that there's porn that's actually going to be beneficial to our sex life?

And so if you're going to watch you anyways, I'd love for you to watch something that's more reflective of what we share and how we can grow together, especially if your partner's watching categories that make you uncomfortable. But on the flip side of that, somebody's fantasy is very rarely linked with what they actually want to do in reality. if we had an honest dialogue. And I don't know about you. But if we had a real honest dialogue about our sexual fantasies,

you would not be, you'd be like, girl, what? Some of the things that I fantasize about are wild. And I don't want them to happen and I do not want them to happen with who I fantasize about them with. But they're more the essence

of something, like it's a theme or a kink, but it's not necessarily a copy and paste. And sometimes for people, porn can be that too, where you might be alarmed but they watch certain things like, oh, I would never want to do that. But here's the essence of it that I like.

Yeah, again, that all comes down to like the communication and, you know, having that dialogue around porn and what it means to you. And, like, I think a lot of assumptions happen when it comes to your partner watching porn. Like, they just assume instead of understand or, you know, aren't capable of having that conversation to really, like, I would have never thought of that. Yeah, watch a different, you know, my brain for sure goes to the porn hub stuff. And I didn't even think to say like, yeah, of course, there's other kinds out there directed by women or other different kinds that have different bodies. And I love that. That was really great advice. What about increasing libido? I know libido mismatch is an issue in a lot of relationships. Yeah. This is a touchy. Do you know, I actually just did a, I have a podcast called Lovers and Friends. And I had Rachel Lindsay, who I know is just a guest on your podcast on my podcast. And the episode title is boss in the streets and currently meh in the sheets.

And it's talking about getting to that place in life where you're really hustling in your career or hustling as a mom or maybe you're just taking a break from hustling, whatever it is. But nonetheless, you're really proud of yourself in some areas. And as a result, your sex life is lagging, but you're okay with that. Yeah. Like there's just going to be an ebb and flow. So one thing that she brought that was a really great point is she was on a panel and people

were like, how many times a week do you have sex? And she's like, everybody answered. So I just lied and said, you know, seven to 49 when that probably the answer might have been zero that week and maybe the next week it's 10 so making a shift from assessing our libido based on like how much sex did we have this week or how compatible are we right now and instead looking at the continuum of your relationship and we've gone through times where we were very compatible and sometimes we're not and that happens in every year it happens in finances that probably happens in porn categories sometimes you have

the same category and sometimes you're like I'm on one page you're on the other But if most of the time we're balancing out, we're doing well. But think if a lot of people shifted their idea of what a libido compatible relationship looks like. They would notice that they're actually in one. But if you are concerned, there's a disorder that's called HSDD, which stands for hypoactive sexual desire disorder. And one in 10 women in America have HSDD. And that's about brain chemistry. So you don't have to think like, oh, I just got to try harder to want it.

I just got to rule myself. Sometimes there could be a medical intervention for you or supplements that could be necessary to get that part of your body up to balance into a place that you're not frustrated. That's a key character. So of HSDD is frustration. You have to be like, this is bothering me. If it's not bothering you, it could be a detail of your life. And that's up for negotiation with your partner.

And I think that you could do, I have this thing called turn on triggers on my website. And it's something that I created where we have love languages, where it's a way for me to say like, okay, like, what is your, oh, actually, what is your love language? Mine is polity time and words of affirmation. And that's important for me to know. So if I wanted to be a friend to you, then I would know, okay, she's having a rough day, offer to come over and we're going to make mock tales together or whatever it is. Yeah.

Right. Rather than if you told me it was gifts, okay, you know, Caitlin's having a rough day. Let me send something. Let me, you know, Uber eats her something that knows she's going to enjoy. but knowing someone's love language can help you figure out how do I connect with you if I want you to feel loved. So turn on trigger is similar. If I want you, if I feel horny and I want to get you in the same place, what is the thing for you that preheats your oven? And turn on triggers could be environmental. For some people, if their space is a mess and they don't feel like they

showered, they don't feel like you showered, like the external factors, the five senses are not pleased, it's just not going to pop off. For some people, it's mental. Like, argument sex is not a thing for them. If we're not in a good place and I don't feel like I'm connecting with you mentally, the physical is not an option. For some people, for me, mine is desire. Like, the way that my partner can get me turned on is by saying really direct things about me and why they want me. So I feel like it's a personalized lust and not like, hey, you're a whole. What are you doing in five minutes? Yes, that's me too. Yeah. So you figure out what yours is and then that gives your partner a pathway to say, okay, well, if I want to get on the same page of them, let me try this first.

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this is how I'm about to label it. But I find that men are so easily, you know, turned on that they get. And again, this is just in my brain, but that it's so much easier where women need those, like either five senses or like, I personally, I like to shower. I personally, when you said the mess thing, I was like, oh, yes, I need to be in the right head space. I need to be in the right mood. I need to be in the right, like, scented area, like a certain place of the house.

Like it's, it's very much like that for me. And I think for some men, it's like, oh, why can't we just do it right now? Like, you ready to go? Yeah. See, the flip is for me is my husband is like that. Yeah. He's environmental and I'm not at all. And I'm, I don't care. It's the dirtier, the better. If it's really dirty and you're super turned on by me, that's even hotter for me. Oh, amazing. So I, but I'm sure kind of similar like with love languages. Yeah. Words of affirmation for men is the most popular. I don't think by like a substantial amount, but I'm sure that there probably is, if you look into the studies of it, like certain people, I think men are traditionally visual in many ways, which is why born is a male-dominated industry. Of course, it caters to them, so that kind of helps

with the domination, but that's shifting over time. But visual is probably an important one for many people with penises. Yeah, yeah. And we talked about libido. What about, there's some questions about medications that will drop your sex drive, is that something as simple as like supplements or finding other ways? Or do you really think like a medication, like for anxiety or depression, there's just like that's a loss cause? Yes, there are. You just have to change your prescription. So you would tell your doctor that this is a side effect that you're experiencing and then see if there is a different medication that's going to give you the same output where maybe that particular ingredient doesn't exist. So I do know it exists.

The biggest thing is that people are afraid to talk to their doctor about sex. It's an embarrassment factor. And if you have the doctor that you can't talk to about it, again, acknowledging that we come from a society that is deeply sex negative and sex repressed, your doctor might be those things too. Right. So maybe you tap out to different, you know, OBG, who you feel more comfortable with or you switch doctors, which is totally fine. Or you give it a try. Maybe you're just assuming that your doctor would not be comfortable, but they are. but inform them and yeah prioritize your pleasure you don't have to make these massive sacrifices

so that one part of your wellness is served and then another part is suffering and struggling you can have the best of both worlds yeah and i've heard of some people like busy people scheduling sex or parents scheduling sex do you suggest uh scheduling sex why or why not i think if it's a turn on for you and it actually gets you there for sure Turn on's a wrong term may not be a turn on. But if it gets you to the end goal and you enjoy the experience of it, yes, it can be really hot. I know one of the stories that I've heard before is the way it was a husband and wife, but they had just had a kid and the husband was having a hard time separating the wife from the motherhood rule.

So she got like a fake credit card reader machine and put it by the bed. And so he had to pay for sex. And the notion of doing that just kind of separate. her and separated the experience and it just revitalized their sex life. So scheduling, although it sounds kind of stale, if you utilize it in a role playing fashion where now we're making a sexual kinky appointment, it can be really cool. It can be very hot. What's worked, because I have a baby, what's worked for us is to be more flexible with our sex windows and then to be more flexible with where we have sex, so the opposite of scheduling, instead being more open to spontaneity

and walking with wet wipes at all times because you just never know. That's been helpful. That's incredible. I was going through all of the questions, and this one came up a lot. So let's help those out who don't know. How do you get a woman to orgasm during sex? Oh, you know what's really great? Kind of a broad question, right? Yeah. 95% of women will be able to orgasm from clitoral stimulation. So when we think about the penis, we think about the vagina. Yeah.

And the vagina is referring to just the canal where, you know, babies come out and tampons go in and penises go in or toys go in. But the external, which is the vulva, that's actually really where the hotbed of nerve endings and a pleasure potential exists. the clitoris, which presents as the tip of the iceberg, the glands, that's just above the opening, where your cupic hair opens up and to a couple inches, an inch above where the vaginal opening is. That's the best sure far away from most people. And if most women masturbate, they probably stimulate their clitoris in some fashion, whether

directly or orbidly, very few do penetration on themselves to orgasm. So I'd mimic what you like and find ways to make that a part of sex. reframing, one of my favorite, you know, phrases is oral sex for women is not foreplay, it's core play. Core play is anything that gets you off. So oftentimes it's the things that get women off that we consider foreplay. And for play is like optional and it's shortened. But if it's an intrinsic part of what makes sex good for you, it is not foreplay, it's

core play. So ensuring that that's a major part of sex is included every time if you need oral, if you need to bring your vibration. or if you need assisted orgasms, which is being able to be in a position where you can play with your clitoris while you're getting vaginal stimulation. So I think it's like most women can orgasm from masturbation. And so most women should be able to orgasm during sex, but they're not crossing over one set of learnings into the other. I feel like a lot of people don't understand how to orgasm, like what is the term, like G-spot.

Yes. Because that's different than. the clitoris, right? It's kind of technically, it depends on, like, there's a new school of thought because the clitoris is shaped like a wishbone and the bulbs and the vestibals go all the way back running along the vulva. And so technically, the G-spot stimulation could just be stimulation of the legs and the bulbs of the clitoris.

But there's also the skein's gland and there is erectile tissue that's protecting your urethra that's also pleasurable to touch and put pressure against and So there's, I like to call the G region. There's a lot going on there, so there can be very sensitive. But there's something that's actually called the rule of thumb, which says that the distance between your clitoris and your vaginal opening will dictate whether you can have a vaginal orgasm by itself. This is from a book called She Comes First, which everybody should read. But it basically says rule of thumb, if you are somebody who has a short distance,

this part of your thumb, from your clitoris to your vaginal opening, you likely can have an orgasm from penetration alone. If not, you probably need to have assistance. Huh. Interesting. This person wanted to know, how do you bring it up with your partner if you are not having orgasms without obviously making them feel emasculated? Well, hopefully they should know because you're not faking it.

So it shouldn't be a mystery to them that it's not going down. But it's nothing against them. I mean, it's about you and your body and you should be with a partner who is open to getting that kind of feedback. So one, it could just be, you don't even have to start with what you're not doing. You can start encouraging more of what you do want. So you don't have to say you're not making me orgasm. You could say you make me feel really good when you're going down on me. You know, if we could incorporate that more, do more of that, that'd be great.

You want to get more specific. it feels really good when you're going down on me and you have a flat tongue and it's consistently going back and forth even if they've never done that before just say that they have and they'll be like oh I should do more of that. Just leading with the positives

and then encouraging more of the things that you do like. And if it's not working then just be like hey like can I bring a bottle of lube and then bring a bottle of lube into the bedroom and then use it to massage them and then bring it onto yourself and massage yourself and then have them watch how you

touch and hopefully they learn that way. And if they don't, then have touch yourself while they're also with you. And then once they're comfortable with Lou, be like, now that we have Lou, why don't we bring this other friend into the bedroom? And they get more comfortable, introducing more things. And so obviously the best route is if you're a healthy relationship, you can just be direct and say, this is how I get off. How do we do this together? That's great. But you can also be creative. Yeah. Perfect. Oh, what would you say to someone who had never masturbated before? That's okay. I mean, it makes sense. I went to Catholic school and we were told that if you masturbate, you know, God was watching and shaking his head. And so it's not all that approachable for some people. And then especially women, they've been told, you know, good girls don't or it's weird if women do. So if that's not your approach, that doesn't feel like that's pleasure to you. Maybe what you want to do instead is maybe a toy feels better because it's not direct stimulation. Maybe water. Again, it's on direct stimulation of your hands. Maybe you go on to a video chat service

and you do it while somebody else is there in a chat situation or you do mutual masturbation with somebody else. I'm giving all masturbation techniques, but just in different environments. The goal is to get comfortable because it is your body and it's a great tool to learn, but you just may not be at a place where it feels approachable for you to get started right now with the vibrating master 17,000. So figure out where you're at right now and then look for a way to explore pleasure at your will when you're 100 because a great thing about masturbation is that you don't need anybody else or anything else to, you know, achieve your pleasure potential.

So that's why you want to get towards doing that because it's a pretty awesome power. But some people have great sex lives and they don't masturbate. So to each their moment. Right. Are you team? Are you team master? Absolutely. Absolutely. I don't, again, with the whole yuck, somebody's young, if people don't, I think that's fine. I think they should try at least if they haven't, but I'm very, very much on that team. Yeah. Yeah. It's, I think it actually helps my sex drive, to be honest. I think so too. I think that it becomes a muscle and then, yeah, it does. It sparks desire. Totally. Totally. I asked my followers on Instagram if they had sex toys.

and I was actually shocked. I thought everybody would, but it was 50-50. Do you think it's necessary? And do you think people should try if they haven't? I think it's one of those why not try? Yeah. And again, sex is not about a checklist and accomplishments. Like, I'm going to do this.

I'm going to squirt. I'm going to try this sex toy. Instead, it's about exploring and asking yourself, how good can I feel and how long do I want to feel that way and what do I want to use to get me there. And you're going to go through a lifelong process of interchanging different adjectives and nouns into those boxes and toys might be a part of it. So it's exploring your pleasure potential.

I personally, I'll say this is like slow key off the record because I definitely push a lot of sex toys in my line of work. Honestly, I'll try everything. And anything I get, I'll give it. a try. There are very few things that I revisit in the bedroom sex toy wise. Really? I just like, I like oral sex a lot. Yeah. My partner's great at it. I like my own fingers a lot. I like lube. But there's not a lot of vibrators that I'm like, this is my go to. Yeah. But that's just, I try a lot. And if I get something new or a sensory machine or I get handcuffs or other kind

of bondage things or a weekend play kit, I'll give it a try. But yeah, nothing has really stuck with me. Yeah. That's fair enough. switching gears a little bit because I know that you're also a dating expert and you're you work with Bumble, right? I do work with Bumble as their dating expert. Yes. That's awesome. Okay. So for anyone who is single and looking for their person, obviously, they should go to Bumble. But what should they do? Like, what's the best thing you can do to stand out in the dating world these days? The really best thing you could do, honestly, is to enjoy yourself and to enter in with optimism. And that's what Bumble is seeing that people who are intentional and might.

mindful are having a better experience. One, and number two, that they're getting out what they want out of these apps. Now, here's the thing, though. What's great about Bumble in particular is that you define what you want because intimacy is about close relationships, right? So there is physical intimacy and sexual intimacy and romantic intimacy, but there is also workplace intimacy. You know, there's people that you feel deeply connected with and aligned within a purpose.

There's people obviously in a friendship, intimate relationship and family. But Bumble supports Bizz, Bumble Biz for networking opportunities. and then bumble friends for you just to connect with people. And so they actually found that 50% of single people right now are consciously single, meaning they're not single because like I haven't met the right person and I haven't been picked yet. They're single because they're like, I'm happy this way. And this is the best choice for me right now.

And if you're a part of that group and you also acknowledge that maybe down the line you want an intimate partner, but right now you don't, that doesn't mean you have to block off opportunities to meet new people. be intentional about that. So they found that this year, like the gray space is eliminated where, did you ever go on dating apps? I don't really think you would have.

Yeah, I was. But I would imagine you wouldn't have been that. Yeah, I wanted, I would help my friends on them and have fun with that. When I was on dating apps, it was like kind of everything in between people advertising for their band, people looking for friends because they just moved into town, you know,

people looking to promote this new thing that they have, people looking for hookups, people looking for dating. And so it became this sort of wild west of I matched with you, but now, like, are we here for the right or same reasons? Well, with Bumble now, they found that most people, that gray is gone, they're there to meet somebody or they're not even there at all. You know, they're using other ventures of the app. Number two, they have these thing called badges where you can put your intentions right up front. So you can say, I'm looking for love. I'm looking for a long-term connection. I'm looking for someone to hang out with for the

summer. Whatever it is, you can put that right up front. And people who utilize the badge get better matches. What untraditional dating practices are out there that we should shine a light on? Like, I know you say something about living apart together. What is that? I want to know about that. Yeah, what I think is really beautiful is we're now in a time where we're acknowledging that love isn't one size fits all, right? And that's even on The Bachelor, right?

We watch this show and we see the same cadence, right, that we've seen happen in Disney and everything else right you meet somebody you have this connection with them like there's this fire and then you go through this short courting process and then before you know it you've made up your mind and now you and that person are ready to go and walk down the aisle and the end of the story and there's not a lot of deviations from that right you don't get to pick three people that you liked or you don't get to say you know what i'm not going to have you meet my family yet i'm going to just stop it right here i mean obviously we've seen as the show has progressed you know people i watch claire's season i think so her name claire where she just stopped it and was like

I'm done. Yeah, yeah. Now my person, I'm good. So people are now starting to acknowledge that, like, the pace that's been set and the storyline that's been written doesn't have to be your story. And that goes into different ways that people are coupling up. And so LAT stands for living apart together. And that is a couple who is might live in the same city.

They might live 10 minutes from each other, but they're purposefully long distance in that they never want to move in together. And they think their relationship thrives when they exist as partners, but not as as people who have a shared space. Yeah, I just can't imagine that. But again, like, that's, I also technically do long distance with my partner all the time because we are always on the road and doing other things. So I'm like, I kind of get that.

And the other thing, too, is relationships can kind of swing in and out. Myself and my husband refer to ourselves as having a free relationship. And that means the structure of our partnership is not a part of our agreement for staying together. So for some people, they come together. Like, we're a monogamous couple. And if you don't want to be monogamous, now we have to reassess whether we should be together. Instead, it's like what binds us together is something very different.

You know, for us, it's like shared values and a shared vision for a future and really and truly friendship. And the structure of what that looks like can shift. So we're monogamous right now, but we've gone through periods of being open. We've gone through periods of being monogamish. Maybe we will live apart together one day. So just because you subscribe to one relationship model at a time doesn't mean that, two years, you can't say, we did that and now I want to move back in together. And then after that, be like, I did this for a year.

We need to leave. Right, right. Yeah, fair enough. Okay. And last question from Avino was, what is a red flag that they should be looking for on dating apps? Oh, on dating apps, an easy red flag is investment level. So if somebody is not meeting you where you are and they're more evasive, you know,

they might be on the ghosting end of the spectrum if somebody is overextending themselves and showering you with time, affection, and gifts in a way that's on the opposite end of the spectrum, that's also a red flag. Maybe a sign this person is a love bomber. So being mindful of if people are respectful of your pace or if they're just completely on their own, you know, playing to the beat of their own drum, this may not be a person for you. I think people as well who are not...

We're not interested in the gradual process of getting to know each other in general. We just seem to be trying to advance the intimacy to the next phase would also be a massive red flag. I love what the pandemic has brought for online daters, which you went out of an online dater. But when I was online dating, I tried to instill a culture of a phone call before the meetup, which was strange at the time because this was kind of back when texting was everything. Now it's kind of shit. Gen Z actually are doing themselves a favor because video chat is more popular. So it's another level of intimacy because I was in the phase of when texting was new. That's all people wanted to do.

So you got on a date and then you realized as soon as you got there, something with this person's voice or their sense of humor translated really well in text, it doesn't in person. So through the pandemic, people were forced to have virtual dates and to use the video chat feature. And that acts as a screening process too for you to save your time. So even though the world is opening up, still utilize those features to make. make sure that you're investing your time in the right people because the last thing you want to do is exhaust yourself right before you meet your person. Yeah, absolutely. That's great advice. Okay. Well, I got to ask you, though, what were some red flags? Because you were in the process of assessing a lot of people at one time. Yeah. What were some red flags that you notice

people that you're like, okay, other daters should be aware. First of all, manners is a big thing for me. If somebody doesn't have manners or like treats somebody around them poorly or you're out like at a restaurant and they're rude to the waitress or a server, manners are a big thing to me that is a red flag if they don't have them. And then also I would say not asking questions and only talking about themselves. I run into a lot of that on the show, you know, because I was dating 30 guys at the same time. So it was easy to compare how different. in each relationship was, some people would sit down and use their time to ask questions. And I would ask questions and we'd have like total chemistry or other people who were like, oh, this is my time to tell her everything about myself. And that was a red flag to me as well. That's actually a really great one. I often tell people that to become a better dater, the most basic thing you can do is adopt a two to one ratio. Every one question somebody asked to you, ask them two in return. That in itself will definitely, it will improve the other person's experience. And then now you're going to find yourself

in the assessing position of whether or not you want a second date or not. Yeah. And I also hate bragging. I hate when people brag. Like there's a way to like, there's a way to showcase yourself and, you know, be humble about it. And then, I just can't say how many people brag. And then celebrity dating. This seems to be a trend right now is intense PDA. Like Courtney Kardashian and, uh, Travis Barker and Megan Fox, drinking blood with machine gun Kelly. Like, is that a trend right now, like intense PDA? And do you think some couples are just like that? Or, like, to me, I'm like, sure, whatever.

If that's really, truly how you are. But do you think it's possible that it's a trend? Absolutely. So I think with people becoming more comfortable with physical touch again after what we went through the past three years. And just in general, people just hung up. for physical affection and also hungering to be outside. Those two things combined are going to equal out to PDA.

So for everybody who's anti-PDA, sorry, look away. It's time for you to get a room and everybody else to be outside and join themselves. So Bumble actually found that more than two and three people so that they're more open to PDA post-pandemics. So that's 68% of people who were surveyed were like, yeah, I'm down to make out in public now. I've definitely changed my perspective on that. And I completely understand why. Oh, that's so, yeah, interesting.

What is it about Pete Davidson that gets all the ladies? What do you think it is? You know what? This is not a case that I've cracked. But I'm going to be 100% honest. I haven't really put a lot of like intellectual energy into it. And I'm also not a naturally, an SNL fan. And I tried to watch Pete Davidson stand up and it didn't hit me.

But I think, you know what he's got? He's got a reverence on his side. He's, like, extremely irreverent, but I think that he's also very devotional, right? Like, it seems like all his partners. He's all about them. Yeah. But then at the same time, it's that mix of I love being with you, but just so you know, I'll be totally fine without you.

Yeah, yeah. Maybe a part of that comes from the way that he lost his dad, right? So when you've gone through that stage of grief and you know that you can let go of somebody and still hold on to the best parts of yourself. Yeah. Yeah, that's actually, that's. that's pretty good i'm going to go with you on that one okay that's pretty good uh well you've so much quite on to say the least you have podcast lovers of friends a bestselling book you're a resident expert

on too hot the handle on netflix and you're in peacock's show x-rated with andy cohen which is amazing you're with bumble you you are just pressured it and uh i was going to say it's it was nice to meet you but i already knew you and i'm just right yeah you're just doing such a incredible work and incredible things. And I just can't let you go without you telling me a confession and then where everybody can find you. Okay, let me say a confession about you. And then I'll say a confession, that's just something separate. That's for the season. So I've watched The Bachelorette this season with Michelle. And at first, I was like, how do I feel about, you know, the ladies as hosts? And I was like,

it's really it's a very different energy that is brought and at first i was like oh there's something very casual about that energy and then as i watched on in the season i was like it is perfect that is what this show is about it's you don't need somebody who's coming in making you feel more intimidated or you have to prove or impress you want people who's like thank god you're here like the person i can be real with the person i can let walls come down with and i think the investigative approach that was taken that you guys took this season was also really fun and it was reminiscent of what your girlfriends would do for you. So, you know, the girls who have your back. So I think that I was a skeptic at first and then I became like a really

hardcore believer. And the talk that you had on the beach in Mexico with Michelle was, I think I watched it a couple times. I thought it was just really beautiful and just like, yeah, like this is what I want in my, because you don't get to bring a girlfriend along for the whole experience. they get you so yeah thank you for saying that i was even skeptical of how it was going to be at first and you know like what was that going to look like and what would people think about it and then as the season went on i was like oh my gosh if i could have had this for myself while i was the bachelorette that would have helped mentally in so many ways emotionally it just would have grounded me to make better decisions and i would have just felt like i don't know just i would have slept better at night

And so I was so excited to be that for somebody else because I know, no, not a lot of people can relate to what they're going through. And it's so tough to navigate. And then just to have another woman there to support you in all of your insecurities and emotions and feelings. And especially going into the overnight dates. Because you feel wrong, but you know it's okay. I thought it was like, wow, it took too long to have women there for other women. And it was nice, too, because you got to see a different size. of the men that you could also use to get to know them better. So I love seeing your interaction with the men. I just thought it was just beautiful. And then obviously you guys did an incredible job on all of the after shows. And yeah, so congratulations to you. Definitely pick the right people.

It was beautiful to watch. And yeah, I'm a believer. Not that I was never a non-believer, but I was like, let me see about this. Hey, I like when I can turn a skeptic into a believer. And I love to share that with me. So thank you. That's amazing. My confession confession is I've never done anything for a man for Valentine's Day.

And this is going to be my year to change that. Oh. So I actually have no idea what I'm going to do. And so I have a week to figure out how to make the most epic. Because on top of that, my husband has never had anybody do something for him for Valentine's Day. Really? yeah he said this to me before he said this to me like four years ago and i proceeded to do nothing for him

i was like well that's going to continue uh i'm like i'm like i kind of want to know once you once you figure it out but if it's private i get it but that's no if anybody listening right now has like amazing ideas for l.A or like i don't know because for my birthday this year he did the whole at home chef thing for me so i can't redo that oh i love that yeah that's i know so now i'm just like Does anybody have Luther Vandros's phone number? He's dead. Oh, no. This is going terrible.

See, I'm not ready for this planning at all. Anybody has Stevie Wonder's phone number. You have to come perform at my house. That's the things I'm looking for. Yeah. So looking for the Vino's do your thing. Okay. Well, I always put my listeners up to a challenge and they come through all the time.

So if anybody has any ideas, where do you want them to slide into your DMs or something? tweet me slide into my DMs yeah 100% like and don't just like come with an idea like go to a restaurant bitch i thought about that i need some i need some details i need some connections i need the next phase it's a week away okay okay i'll get them on that and then so that they can tweet you or DM you where can they find you yes um so shan booty booty with a d from my last name which is boojram not a plan my anatomy, I'll play on my last name, Shan Booty on all socials. And then please do yourself a favor. You know, if you are thinking about entering into dating or you want to invite intimacy into your life, revisit Bumble. It's a women's first platform that is doing incredible

things and is constantly listening and updating and creating an experience with you in mind. Okay. That's perfect. And I'm just realizing now, this is going to come out the day after Valentine's day. So you should automate. That's the perfect way to end it. It has to be on me. That's what it is. But everyone can still go follow you and maybe they can find out what you ended up doing through your social media. Yeah. Let's pray it's not nothing. No, I have faith in you. I have faith in you. And I'll do some brainstorming. I like to find creative ways for date night. So I'll think of something and then I'll message you. Okay. Well, this is your only day off. So I'm not going to put the pressure on you. You know, you enjoy. your life and happy Valentine's Day to you. And if something should come up, like Stevie Wonder's phone number, yes, please. I'll pass it along. I'll pass it along. Thank you so much for being on the pod today. It was so informative. And I just, I can listen to you talk about this all day, to be honest with you. You're just incredible. And thank you. Thank you. Good to see you again.

I'm Caitlin Bristow. I'll see you next Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Off the Vine with Caitlin Bristow. Get new episodes every Tuesday, on Podcast1.com, the Podcast One app, and subscribe on Apple Podcasts. Hey, everyone. You might remember me from Teen Mom 2, but my 15 minutes is almost up. So I'm back with another podcast. I'm your barely famous host, Kail Lowry, and I'm catching up with people from my past, putting my exes on the hot seat, and chatting with TikTokers, influencers, and other reality stars. Get weird with me every Friday on Apple Podcast, Spotify, Podcasts One, or wherever you get your podcast.