Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - The 5 Year Vinoversary Confession Awards

Episode Date: May 24, 2022

Holy sh*tballs, Vinos… it’s been 5 years since the Off The Vine podcast launched! Thank you so much for being a part of the best community out there. In order to celebrate, Kaitlyn and BFF Bri are hosting the first ever Oopsie Poopsie Awards. They are handing out 5 very unconventional awards to some of your favorite all-time confessions, as voted on in the OTV Facebook group, and rewinding time so that we can all hear why these confessions made us LOL in the first place. There is even an acceptance speech in the mix from one of your favorite Bachelor Nation alums. Finally, Kaitlyn is sharing yet another outstanding confession about her recent getaway with Jason. Seriously, we thank you, Vinos, from the bottom of our hearts for coming along on this 5 year journey. Here’s to 500 more! HYUNDAI - Learn more at HyundaiUSA.com.   VIZZY - Head to VizzyMercuryRetrograde.com and air your retrograde woes for a chance to win the limited-edition cans and kit. PROGRESSIVE - Quote at Progressive.com to join the over 27 million drivers who trust Progressive. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hey, everybody. You're listening to Caitlin Bristow's podcast, Off the Vine. Take it away, Brie. Wine. Lots of wine. Hey, be on the mic, turn it up. Let's go. Hey, ramen. Pino. Ready for the show. Everyone's welcome. So come on in because OTV. It's about to begin. All right, so I can hardly freaking believe it, but this past Saturday was my five year. Why did I want to say wedding anniversary, podcast anniversary, or as I like to call it, the Vinoversary. Oh, that's so cute. Yeah, isn't it cute? So I'm so grateful for my little community.

I obviously wouldn't have this platform and podcast without all of the listeners. So thank you. Doing all things to keep this pod going. How long are we in radio for? Almost 10 years. Holy crap. Huh, you're halfway to me. I'm halfway to you.

Like five billion times more successful. Well, you didn't go on The Bachelor. But how do you keep things fresh and interesting? Like, I feel like people get sick of me. You need to always be contenting. Like, you know how? Whenever something happens in your life and you cry to me and say, but it's podcast content. That's true.

Yeah. Just keep being you and you'll never run out of things to talk about. That's, I mean. Weird shit happens to me, so that's good. It really does. It really does. So to celebrate this momentous occasion, I posted in the Off the Vine Facebook group asking for everybody's favorite confessions of the past five years. And then I pulled five of those confessions because five years, I'm smart.

Oh. Yeah. And I'm doing a little award ceremony for some of your and my favorite conventions. So it's kind of like how Michael on the office hosts the Dundees. Oh, love the Dundees. Yeah. And my best friend, someone who everybody knows right now, has had a few oopsie poopsies in her day, the one and only, Bree. It wasn't a poopsie.

It was a barfsy. It was a barf skiskees. Oh, yeah. Well, we'll get to that. I'm very excited. I think this is going to be so much fun. Okay, so the first award. This one is for the most awkward ejaculation.

Oh, my God. And it goes to. Jason Tardick. Nope. It goes to Blake Horsman. Do you hear that confession he had? no okay well his confession was about when he had a friend staying with him for a month back in high school because of a forest fire and he asked his friend for the room so he could jack off

is that a thing guys do like please i need to yeah 100% i need to release uh and then when he came when he came yeah no literally when he came yeah okay yeah you literally we're doing the actions that when he came it like went up He was on the top of a bomb. Oh, wait, I do remember this, and it went to the ceiling. Yeah, hit the ceiling fan and then hit him in his own face. Yeah. That's even worse.

Yeah. So, everybody, please enjoy this clip. So I grew up in the mountains in Colorado, and I'm... I feel like he's... I'm going to actually like... I went backpacking once. You know what? Anybody get that reference?

Tough crowd I got it So I grew up in the mountains And in the mountains we have Forest Fires quite often And a buddy of mine Got Got evacuated

From his house So he was staying in my house For like a month roughly Like four or five weeks He was staying at my house You shouldn't tell the story He was staying in my house And he was literally staying

Like in my room I had a bunk bed I was like 16 I was Okay, I'm going to sit back down. Wait till he tells the story. He was like 16 or 17. We were.

So he like stayed at a bunk bed. He stayed in my room. I hadn't jerked off in like four weeks. And I was... Which is a long time for guys, okay? A long time. Like a long time. It's a buildup.

I finally, I looked at him and I was like, you need to get out of my room because I need to masturbate. I need to... I love how you try to be... I need to... Master babe No That was Joe

Go on with your story Blake, I'm sorry So he left the room And this was 2004 It doesn't matter There was no There was no porn hub

There was no Porn on the internet So what did you use? So I listened to Nelly's Hot and Here music video How many? Yeah Yeah Yeah

That's what Any Nelly music video basically any one of them is what I use. So on my, the TV, not the flat screen, but like that one T, like, it's this far from the wall. Watching Nelly on the top bunk. So I'm watching Nellie. I was on the top bunk next to my fan and began jerking off and finished. Yeah.

And it had been so long. Oh, my God. that it just shot in the air hit my fan. This is true story. It hit my fan and came back down right on my cheekbone, just right on my cheekbone. And I didn't really know what to do. It was one of those things where I was like...

Were you mid-and-join-it-join-it, or was it over by that? Then I rubbed it in to get rid of my wrinkles. Very different times of everything. Like, you're either like, ah, f*** it, I don't care, or you're like, God, damn, don't look at me. Don't know, there's two faces. So the best part is that I, like, wiped it off and shit, and I was playing video games, my friend came in,

and he noticed, he was like, what's wrong? And I was like, I came on my own face. Like, I don't know. There's just shame. Like, he could just feel the shame on my face. Yeah, I hope. I mean, if you didn't feel shame, I'd be more concerned. Hello, Vino's. This is Blake here, and I just want to say how truly honored I am to accept the most awkward ejaculation award.

I'll tell you what, I've been through a lot in Bachelor Nation, and this is an award I didn't know I needed. I have officially peaked in Bachelor Nation, and I owe it all to Caitlin Brista. But seriously, Caitlin, congratulations on five years of Off the Vine. That's amazing. It's incredible. You're still as good as it gets up. at podcasting and doing what you do. Keep it up. And I'm looking forward to another five years. Congrats, Caitlin. Okay, pausing on this convo for a little PSA, May 10th actually marked the start of Mercury in retrograde.

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Okay, next up, the award for hottest, almost threesome. Oh, I guess what happens in Vegas. Jared on off the vine. The award goes to Brett Kissel. Oh, my gosh. So Brett's confession was about this one time. Him and Cecilia went to Vegas, had an amazing time at Chippendales, maybe too good of a time, such an amazing time that one of the beautiful men thought that he was going to end the night with a threesome with them.

So the whole night they thought he was just cool hanging out with them. But like, yeah, and he was this like huge dude. And Brett, the way Brett tells the story is just so funny because this guy like literally came back to their hotel room and was like, so. and they were like, oh, no. We were just paying you all that money because you're hot. Yeah, we just wanted to see you down to a thong, not the full schlong and balls. I mean, did Cecilia want to?

No. No. Neither one of them were into it. I wonder if they thought about it for a second. I'm sure it would have crossed my mind. I don't know. Let's hear the clip. So Cece and I are a very first trip to Vegas. It's my 21st birthday. And so she takes me to a peep show.

And it was actually really awkward because it wasn't that great. And there's only dudes in there. And they're kind of all greasy truckers and grandpas. And I'm not enjoying this. Yeah. But she takes me to a peep show. So I got to take her to a show. Okay.

So we go to Chippendales. Okay. And it was amazing. Yeah. It is. Have you ever seen Chippendale? Dale's no I did a podcast with a few guys from Chippendales in Vegas and they were telling us and I was like this sounds like so much fun it's the best show in Vegas it's an actual performance right and this is a dude you don't see no dick no nothing but it is an incredible show yeah it is so funny and entertaining and it's like girls gone wild oh yeah so I buy Cecilia these great tickets we're right in the front row furthest to the left on the aisle front row right on the floor right in front of the stage.

And I'm having a blast. I genuinely am. I'm three-quarters cut, but having a great time. And the first song that they sing after they're like, sort of the first routine they do is great and the crowd's going nuts. It's a solo crowd full of bachelorettes and everything.

Everybody's having a great time. Cici's having a great time. And then the first song they sing is, Your husband's and your boyfriends aren't here. Your husband's and your boyfriend's aren't here. So it's like setting the mood and these girls. And then it's like girls gone, So girls are flashing and everything like that.

It's like because they think that there's no other guys in the audience. So me and Cece are like, are we going to watch the show or am I going to watch the crowd? Because it's a great time. So Cece gets called up on stage. She's looking fine. She's looking like knockout 12 out of 10. She's in the front row. So she gets called up on stage for this construction men worker routine.

Oh, boy. And so it's, it's Cecilia. this other girl and a grandma who's doing like her 75th birthday with like a feather boa this is it this actually has nothing to do with with this has everything to the story but another do the story okay so she goes and it's funny so the chippinails are like asking you know what's her favorite position so yeah you know she's got to say and so she says this and the other girl says this and then the and but you have to show on the chippendale and use them like a mannequin or whatever so oh so you do that so it's funny and this grandma just takes the chippendale stop by the hair

right in between her legs. She says, this is my favorite position. The crowd goes nuts and the grandma wins the competition. But we all get called now backstage. Show's over. Now we're all backstage.

Why are you backstage? Because if you're called up on stage, you now get the VIP trip and you get to visit and mix and mingle with the Chippendales. So, well, I'm Cecilia's plus one. So I'm there. It's all girls. And I don't, I'm not going to say anything.

But innuendo here is that these Chippendale or picking out certain girls from the crowd to see, all right, who are we going to spend a little bit extra time with tonight? Of course. And they're thinking, okay, well, you know, it's Cecilia, you know, but she's got her husband with her. So here I am.

So I'm like, I can either be a stick in the mud and fold my arms and, you know, be disappointed that everybody's hitting on CC. Or I can just start chatting with these guys. Yeah. What's it like? What's your workout routine? Where are you from? You know, so I'm chatting with these guys.

I chat with one of the guys. He's the singer in the group. and he's kind of the host, the emcee. Yeah. Very handsome, very attractive. Yeah. And chiseled as could be. Yeah.

And a beautiful singer. Yeah. So I'm a singer too. So we start talking. It turns out we know a lot of the same people in Nashville. Uh-uh. Turns out he lived in Nashville. Turns out he knows this guy and I know this guy and are published by the same guy and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

He's like, y'all are good people. We're going out. So he takes us out. Okay. So now. I'm full like nine and a half 10 out of 10 drunk yeah Cici's 10 out of 10 yeah and we're having a great night and now we decided we're going partying with the Chippendales yeah so we go with like four other Chippendales and we go to this club yeah and now we're parting it's like a

yeah yeah and I'm this little white guy five foot six with all these chip like and these guys they're clothed now but they're still as handsome as you've ever seen Cici's looking amazing and we're dancing with everybody. Then it's like, okay, 1.30, let's go to the next club. So we'll go to the next club. And it's kind of like a Michael Boubley, Frank Sinatra. Yeah. So now I'm drinking martinis and everything like that.

This one guy was kind of hosting us or whatever. He's getting pretty close to us. And he's telling us about his life and get to know us. And got his arms around me, your arms around Cecilia. And like I can pick up on. social cues 100%. Yeah. I just can't pick up on sexual cues.

Oh, no. At all. He was trying to have a threesome. And he's picking up. He's got his arms on us. And I'm not picking up what he's laying down. Yeah. I don't know if Cece is.

Maybe she knows. Maybe she does it. I don't know. But I'm just happy to be there. Yeah. You know, just there in the headlights. He's got his arm around me. Like, oh, buddy, great to see it too.

Yeah. And everything. And he's got his, you know, forehead to forehead. He's like, I, you know, I believe in you and your career. I'm like, thanks, man. And you're going to make it. I'm like, you're going to make it too. So then we go to the next place. So now we go to the third place. And it's this kind of honky tonk country bar off the beaten path. And he takes her for a dance and I go to the bathroom. And then he, I come back, he takes me for a dance. He likes to go dance and nobody's on shirt.

So I'm teaching him to two step and whatever. He's like six foot four. I'm five foot six. He looks like a wrestler yeah and then he that I'm like I'm I'm I I need to go home yeah I've hit my limit yeah I'm at 15 out of 10 drunk yeah I'm seeing double yeah all right time to go home it's like time to go home he's like all right I'll take you guys home so he takes us home we pull up in a treasure island that's all we could afford so we're at like the base room $89 and I treasure island and he's like you know what that's fine I'll walk you guys up to your room oh thanks man that's so nice of you Great guy.

What a great guy. Everybody's listening to this like, Brett, how are you not picking up what he's laying down? Yeah. And he's so touchy-feely with me. But I thought he's just being nice. He's just a great guy. I just thought he's so nice and caring, so careful with me. Just an affectionate guy.

So we get it to the elevator. And he starts to hold my hand. No. And I'm. At that point, did it click? No, it clicks. Okay. And I sober up.

And I'm thinking, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I, I, I can't do this. I can't go through with this. And it's like, and it's like, I just, I don't know what to do. Yeah, he had to shut somebody down. And he's, then he reaches and he holds her head. She looks at me like, what, what, what, what, what do we do? So, then we're walking and we're awkwardly holding hands down the hallway. I'm just picturing this and it's incredible.

It's three in the morning, holding hands with a chippendale. Yeah. And he goes in, we get to the room. He's like, may I come in? And I'm like, well, I don't know. I, you know, I think we just need to go to bed, you know, or just not feeling good and everything. I don't really remember what I said. And it says, okay, well, very nice to meet you.

And he hugs Cecilia. And he kisses her on the lips. And I'm like, okay, whatever. for you know and then he hugs me and he comes in and he kisses me and he kisses me wrong and i i don't have the strength or the confidence to push him away he's like six foot four and he's got these big bare hands around me and he's just and these big lips just like one is touching my nose one is touching my chin and his tongue just starts to go away and my my teeth are closed Oh, my God.

And he's just trying to push his tongue into my teeth, into my mouth. And I'm like, it's okay, man. It's okay. Like, I'm just, it's okay. Like, I'm good, man. I'm good, man. Oh, and so he's like, I thought you guys would be into this. And Cecil is like, no, that's, that's fine.

We're sorry if we gave the wrong message or whatever. So that's fine. Don't worry about it. I just hope you guys had a good night. We had a great night. Thanks, man. Great to meet you. And he's like, well, take care, you know, and everything like that.

All right. So we go in and we just lay down. And I remember we both have our arms folded. We're laying on this queen-sized bed, but we're not talking. And I'm thinking, what just happened? Why did I not see this was happening? Okay. And this is a big one.

A true honor, one might say. The biggest hot mess express. I swear this guy had like a hundred confessions nominated, but this one is very well deserved. And the award for the biggest hot mess express goes to the king himself low. Oh, yeah, he's got to have more than one award. Honestly, he should take all five of these awards, but like my favorite was, did you hear his Shamu one, Shamu the whale? No, I want to.

He went in one of those air things that you like prep yourself to skydive or something, but you can, like, do it in a machine. Yeah, yeah. You know, have you said those? I fly or whatever. Yeah. So he said that his shirt like came up and he felt like Shamu the whale. It was really funny.

But so many of the vinyl's favorite confessions were lows and top of the one was Shamu. But his confession about Shamu would be like a whole episode in one. So we're not just going to play a clip from that. But we thought we'd pull another favorite. This one involves him taking a shit in a client's house, clogging the toilet and somehow getting the dog and the house. house cleaner in trouble when he scoops it out of the toilet and throws it out the window. Oh, my gosh. Hopefully that person got their job back.

Yeah. Once they listened to Off the Vine. That'll think so. No, no. I have a thing I don't like using the restroom in people's homes. Uh-oh. I don't like it. It makes me very uncomfortable.

I get it. I rather take an Uber. If I don't have a car, I'll drive, whatever, to a nearby gas station to relieve myself rather than go in someone's home. I stayed in your home for two business days. You didn't wait until we got to the nail salon. You're kidding low. No. That's why you had tummy problems. People like that. I get not doing it in public places, like an outhouse. No way. I'd rather take an outhouse than your bathroom. What? That's rude. No, no. But not. You have your only bathroom in the guest house. It's not like I'm

coming in there. not even about, because your house is beautiful. Your place is, like, it's not about... You're kidding. God. I'm going to pass out. I don't know. No, I don't know what's happening.

No, literally, because I just imagined, like, your house is beautiful. You just shit everywhere. You're like, I can't f*** that up. I just spit my wine back into the cup because I almost sprayed it all over. You're like holding the oxygen out of your mouth. So anyway, I have no problem pooping in public places. Yeah. Well, I'm grossed up.

I just don't like going in people's homes because, okay, my situation is someone came to my place and clogged my toilet. And I was like, asshole. Ew. Yeah. Yeah. So. Plog toll is what we like to call. I had to go out.

I had to plunge. It was just a very messy situation. so after that I was like I and I can't look at that person the same because I'm like you dropped it hard and mortified for that person I'd never want that to happen to me and it just became like a thing I just can't go in people's homes specifically their homes anyway so I went to stay with a client and I traveled so didn't have a car whatever yeah and got to her place during the daytime I'm sorry what would it have to do if you did have a car Oh, because, like, I was, I guess because I'm like, I traveled to her house. I didn't have a car. So anyways. I want to say because, like, I would typically call, like, drive, like, if I was on my way, because I was on my way from the airport to her place and didn't have a car.

So if I did, I would have said, like, I would have made a pit stop at the local Shell gas station or jack in the box, whatever I could find to relieve myself. got to her place and she goes, oh, we're actually not going to be home for a couple out, or like 30 minutes. So I was like, that's great. So. That's great. That's great. That's great. Because I have to unleash the poop dragon.

And I broke the rule. And I was like, okay, I really got to go. Yeah. So I did. I did. Broke your own rule. Yeah. And I do like a lot of toilet paper.

It's more of a comfort thing. Anyway. I'm the same. Yeah. Okay. I'll use a whole rule. And I do usually carry my. own baby wipes

as well. Did you just pull baby wipes out of your purse? It's a tissue. But it's just in case someone doesn't have a toilet paper and I just had a pee I don't know, whatever. I have a tissue. I have tissues. I don't know.

What if I need to blow my nose? Yeah, totally. Totally. Oh, wow. So I go, so I use the bathroom. I go to flush it. Doesn't really flesh. And I thought, oh my God, I clogged it. So the water started

well, it didn't go down, so I flushed again, and then the water started to rise. So now, little, yeah, literally. I mean, not to give visuals. It was a, you know. You're painting a very pretty picture. Thank you. Right on the rim. Yeah.

So we're getting that water level. And I start having full blown nerves. I'm sweating profusely because I'm like, oh, my God. Do you know the trick to turn the tap by the toilet? Well, the, no, I don't specialize in plumbing. He's like, I don't touch toilet. I plug a few toilets in my day. You just...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. If this happens for anybody, there's like a... There's literally like a little water line. Yeah. Next to the toilet. And it has a little nozzle and you just turn the nozzle off. A pipe.

That's the word of it's rising. Yeah. You can turn it. Water will shut off. Yeah. I opted to call my dad. Like they were like professional toilet cluggers. I just called my dad and I'm like, oh my God.

Dad. Yeah. I'm here and there's like poop coming out, you know, floating up whatever. And he's like, so he's like, take the. take the lid off like on the back and he's like and jingle the little wire whatever yeah whatever I didn't know what I was doing so that didn't help um and then I looked and I realized I have about like 10 minutes until their arrival time oh god I'm upset for you right now so then I'm like okay I don't know what to do because it was also mind you just so you guys have like in location area

if it was like a tucked away like guest bathroom that's not as bad yeah but this one was um directly to the side of the main entrance of the home. Of course it was. So, you know, like it's one that everyone's going to be using. Right. Right. Anyway, what I decided to do in my like nervous, frantic, manic state. Yeah.

Is I got a bowl. And I, um, I fished out. Oh my God. This is amazing. I fished out, you know. Yeah, we get it. The fecal matter. Right. And I decided to, I saw a side little window area.

So I just dumped it out. Oh, no, you did. And it was like, I'm just going to. Now, you're telling me, you'd rather do that than just tell them, hey, man, I clogged your toilet. Oh. Yeah. Wow. I, I, I, I, I, here's the thing.

I didn't mind. I didn't mind telling. Yes, 100%. I would fish it out and dump it out of the window. Oh, see. And I would be like you. them and I clog the toilet, but I don't want it to be like up clogged. What if you, what if you pooped like, who's like the most important person to you?

Or someone you don't really know that. This was a client. If it was the most important person, then I for sure tell them a client. Oh, okay, okay, okay. That's what I mean. Like, that's where I understand. It was like kind of like a work. They were like opening their home to me.

Okay. So I didn't feel comfortable to be like, hey. Was it my house? I'd be like sending you a boomerang if it was your outfit. Of it rising and going back down and rising and going back down and rising and going back. And I'd be like, wow, I'm going to pick up a point. Great content. So I throw it out and I was like, okay.

And I told, you know, they walked in and whatever, we were fine. And I said, you know what? Oh, my gosh. I'm so embarrassed. I threw a paper towel in the toilet and it clogged it. Nice save. Very nice save. Yeah.

A little bit of murky water. But for the most part, you know, it's a believable story. And she goes, oh, it's everyone thinks it gets clogged. It's a low, low efficiency. like water energy efficient yeah yeah yeah so it's like like a droplet of water per hour or something so it actually will flush you just got to give it some time so that whole time you touched your poop for zero reason yeah well i did have the bowl that i just didn't have the patience what did you do with the bowl put the bowl in my carry on nice so you're you're a thief yeah so yeah so not only are

you disgusting. You are also a thief. So I put the bowl, yeah, in my carillon. I'm just kidding. I'm done worse. And then so I'm like, all right, Costa's clear. Like, you know, we go about our business. There's still more. Well, yeah. And then what happened was she goes outside to let the dogs out. Who, let that dogs out?

And I didn't realize. I didn't realize. What's her name? Oh, no, you can't say. I will never. Oh, my God. We'll say Mary. Mary let the dog is. I just want to sing the song. Mary let the dogs out. Okay. And she's like, we'll make up a dog name. Lexi. Mm-hmm.

And she's like, oh, my God, mom. Of course, her parents were staying there too. Oh, my gosh, Mom. Lexi shit on my patio. Oh, no. You dumped it on the patio. I thought it was like backyard grass. I didn't realize there was like a nice built patio area with seating that people frequent.

Oh, my God. That is. So she goes, Lexi. Lexi. my gosh mom like all that money we spent on training and lexie's shitting on the patio and i'm like i look at lexie and i'm like i'm so sorry like i know that she has to take it's me she's and the mom goes well she goes and the mom goes it's still wet it's fresh show her what she did so so they bring lexie over and i'm like looking at her like i'm so sorry i'm yeah girl i got you lexie like on the next one

you know lexie's a writer die like she just shits in the bedroom and you're like it was me literally they're like get out and you're like on the bed you monster everything's fine few days go by like everything's cool poop storm is over and we decided to do a taco tuesday and no she goes oh my gosh where's my Gwock bowl. It's missing. Nope. Nope. No.

Oh. Just when I think this story is like, I thought it's a gift. It's the gift. The gift's I'm giving. She's like, where's my guack bowl? And I was like, oh, dang, like, what it look like? She's like, it's white and it has like a little area for the guac and the chips around. You know, it's like a sombrero type bowl.

You use the sombrero to fish your shit out of toilet? Oh my God. The guacks. No. So, and then I go, I have no idea. She's like, if my housekeeper. stealing from me. Like, I've been missing stuff and I go, it's fired. Oh, no. I go, you should look into that because it's definitely. You got the dog in trouble. You got the housekeeper fired.

This week's Off the Vine is brought to you by progressive insurance. Yvine knows whether you love true crime or comedies, celebrity interviews, news, or even motivational speakers, you call the shots on what's in your podcast queue. Am I right? And guess what? Now you can call the shots on your auto insurance too. Enter the name your price tool from Progressive. The name your price tool puts you in charge of your auto insurance by working just the way it sounds. You tell Progressive how much you want to pay for car insurance, then they'll show you a variety of coverages that will fit within your budget, giving you the options. That's something that you'll want to press play on. It's easy to start a quote and you'll be able to choose the best option for you

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No. No. It's disgusting. I gag just thinking about it. But it happened. But it happened and it's content. And we learned from it. And we learned from it. And that's the most important thing. This year's Oopsy Poopsy co-host, Bree. It's yours. Mad respect for a woman who hit the town for the first time in a while and then proceeded to drink your own vomit. So we're going to play a clip. We have two friends, Nick knows, our two good friends, Dom and Holly, and we go out with them a lot like double dates. We get pretty lit. This is not sexual, so don't go, don't let your brain go there. And Nick and I have two sons. They don't have kids yet.

So we get very excited. Your sons don't have kids yet? No, sorry. Dom and Holly don't have kids yet. So they can go out whenever they want, basically. So when we get to go out, we're like, yes, we have like a big, like we're so excited to get out and so we go out we get pretty litty and and so uh i came home pretty drunk in front of my babysitter who's babysitting tonight for our kids let's get out to christina

christina yeah okay she hates me i called her christine okay so i come home and i'm so drunk that i can't even um look at the babysitter in the eyes head down next like give me the money i'll payer of god so we go upstairs and and i'm trying to sleep on the closet floor because we have heated floors in our bathroom slash closet and i'm like nick have you ever been down here it's so comfy and he's like get to bed you freak so then um i said oh no oh no i forgot my water bottle and he goes god i'll go get you one and so we have like you saw my water bottle cabinet today Like eight or nine different varieties, yet Nick gets the Yeti bottle, which is, do you guys know what a Yeti bottle is? What does it fit two bottles of wine? It's huge. It's very fat. And I'm like, you think in my drunken state that I can just like gulp a Yeti bottle of water?

I was like, why did you do that? He's like, well, I only filled it up about a quarter full. I was like, okay, but still, what were you thinking? But I was too drunk to do anything about it. So in the morning, I wake up around 6 a.m. And I'm like, oh, my God, I'm so hungover. And so I go to take a sip in my water bottle, and I go, Oh. Was it vodka? No, and I'm like, oh, God, oh, God. You threw up in it.

What's in my mouth? I go to the sink, and I spit it out, and it's chunky red wine. And then I had the flashback. I told you you were going to die. She can't do vomit. I had the flashback I'm like right around 2.30 in the morning I threw up

in the Yeti bottle because I went Yeah What a great throw-up Bowl Forgot Woke up four hours later And sipped it Oh god

The crowd's dinging it You guys Was worth sharing the story In that moment where you like This is great podcast content? Yeah, I was like, well, I got to save this because I haven't even told Nick, Nick is like, he's leaving by, okay, I'll sign the divorce papers later. I love you. You didn't know this, Nick? He didn't know. Okay, how do you feel about that? I feel, because that was on the live podcast. And when I was telling that story on the stage, I was looking at everyone's faces and they were all horrified. Nobody laughed. They were all just so upset. And I was like, I shouldn't have said that.

That wasn't even my favorite. My favorite confession of yours is when you squirted milk out your boob at me. Yeah. That was fun. I miss being able to do that. Otherwise, it would have done that this week. Do you have another confession? Well, nothing.

Nothing that could make top five material? Nothing that would I would get an award for. My life's been pretty boring lately. Okay. Well, fair enough. Well, maybe we can make one tonight. Yeah. We purposely try to embarrass a shit out of ourselves tonight for content.

Okay. And last but certainly not least, the award for sexiest dating story. This confession is the definition of an oopsie poopsie. And this award goes to me. Oh, yay. Gotta be self-deprecating. If I'm going to call out everybody else, I might as well call myself out. So this confession is from back when Jason and I were just in the wee phases of dating.

And I was still trying to keep it together, kind of. So anyways, I pooped in his apartment and I gave him pink eye. What? Well, so what happened was I used a facecloth to wipe because he had no toilet paper. He was just like a bachelor. I know. A dude living on his own, didn't have any toilet paper and I used a face cloth. Gross.

Yeah. Can continue? And then he washed his face with your buttcloth? I think he's lying. I think I don't think he actually. actually got pink eye. Because I feel like I would have really remembered him having pink eye. Like putting eye drops in.

Yeah. He always has a stye, though. It had nothing to do with your butt towel. No, that was on him. That was on him. Roll the clip. You know how God. When they, like, live by themselves, they don't really, like, have toilet paper sometimes.

So one time I was, I had to go to the bathroom, and you were at work, but you were coming home from a lunch break. And I was, like, freaking out because you didn't have toilet paper, and I just went. and so I use one of your facecloths I did like a reusable face cloth or like a washcloth like a washcloth Are we talking number one or number two? Two

Wait that would be so boring if it was number one What did you do with the washcloth? I put it, I only put it in your hamper To be fair I had every intention of doing your laundry. And it was when I got sick. Remember, I got a cold really bad?

It was like right at the beginning of us hanging out. Yeah. So I forgot because I was so sick the next day and had to take a flight. I totally forgot to do your laundry. But I mean, so the dirty cloth. You washed it. Wow.

Yeah, I think so. He's so disturbed. He just went, ugh. I'm thinking through this. I'm like, yeah, I changed outfits a lot. You should have thrown in the trash can. And then I was like, what the fuck?

I smelled like shit. But that was your shit. Yeah It was mine That's pretty Curried you to like Just throw it away So he didn't put it on his face ever

But wouldn't you just like waddle over And like It's above the dryer What it was I mean everyone's had to do the waddle To get Oh they're like Yeah yeah

You never thought about that I didn't know that's where your toilet paper was I looked under cupboards I looked on the roll There was nothing there I panicked You were about to get home From your lunch break

That explains my acne in Seattle I was going to say pink eye, but, okay. That's true. I did. Oh my God, you did. I had pink eye in Seattle. I got it on both my eyes, actually. Oh, my God.

Seriously, I did. I didn't. The guys in the office shirt me They still churned me about that. They're like, you didn't get one. You got two pink eyes. Oh, then you don't do good laundry. Okay.

Wait, I can't believe I have not heard that story. Yeah, I really did. I really did wipe my butt with his face cloth. And he stayed with you. It's true love. Well, he didn't know until like two years later. He's like, why is this watchdog this thing? Yeah, he literally didn't know until two years later.

Oh, my tummy hurt. Oh, my tummy. Okay. I'm trying to think of other standout confessions from the past five years. I remember when. What was it? I remember laughing out loud at this one. What? Vanessa from Montreal.

Oh, yeah. She had a little turd in her pants. Like a little Hershey's kiss. She had a little Hershey's kiss in her pants. I remember I was driving and I was like, okay, I'm going to get into a car accident because I'm crying. It was so funny. And her, like, trying to tell the story, too. She was laughing so hard.

She was so embarrassed. She called me the next day and she was like, look, I'm going to need you to take that out. And I was like, no, I was like, trust me, people are going to love you for this. And they did. And now we just brought it up again. Yeah. We're sorry. Vanessa.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, though. Oh. Yeah. She's pregnant. She looks freaking beautiful. Oh. Okay. So any type of vinyl confessions, anyone that you want me to prank.

Let's just take a little minute to do a reminder of the hotline 434-696 Vino. Thank you for the past five years. Oh, I can't. Well, that's, it flew by. I know. I mean, for me, it did. As life does. But you know what?

Time flies when you're depressed and fell up and happy. Well, because I went through so many things in the last five years. I feel like I went through like what some people go through in a lifetime in the last five years. It was a lot. Yeah. And you've always had this. Yeah. They've always been the consistent thing in my life, my little community.

And me and you, the most consistent. Yay. Okay. I get another award. Number one. Okay. And guess what? Tomorrow is national wine days.

So the good thing we're drinking. Cheers. Even though somebody tagged me in a post other day saying, Caitlin again mocking alcoholism. And I'm like, no. How are you mocking alcoholism? Because I was pouring a mega pint of wine. Oh, that was so good.

That was one of your best tiki-talkies. Oh, oh. a mega point. So I'm sorry, but I don't want to offend anyone. Or do I? Sometimes I do, but not with that. Okay, before we wrap this up, I got to confess something to you. Okay.

Did I tell you this yet? No. Okay. Well, maybe, I don't know. Maybe I did, but I haven't told everybody else, so I'll tell them now. This past weekend, Jason and I went to get off the grid. And we went to this place that I, I highly recommend called Bolt Farm.

It's like there's a couple tree houses. There's the domes. It has like the most insane view. Yeah. Look to the Tennessee River. There's hikes. You can go ATVing. You can go horseback riding.

You can get massages. We got massages. And they didn't, they don't have a shower inside. The showers outside. And love an outdoor shower. Oh, it was the best. It was. There's something so liberating about showing in the woods.

And then you're like, why don't I shower outdoors all this? time. Because Rosemary would see me naked all the time. She wants to see you naked. She did say I was the most breathtakingly beautiful woman. Today she just said it. But then she said you don't need makeup, which a little backhanded. I'm like, thanks. Or all the people who came up to you yesterday and they're like, you're even prettier in person. Everyone's, it's the, I mean, I'll take it, but also what? It's like so I look like a gross, ugly person. Yeah, what am I a six on Instagram? Actually, that's better than the other way around. Yeah, like, ooh, you don't look so good.

Yeah. You're not as pretty as your Instagram. Or just like, you don't have to say. You don't have to say it. You don't have to say it. Isn't that funny? They're so nice. And they mean well.

So nice. They were all so sweet. I will say not to talk about how hot you are all the time. Okay. But I will say that everybody lately, like, I think three years ago, I think I was just had a bad place in my life or something because I was always like annoyed or now I'm like, come say hi. I know. You've really turned it around. Yeah. You're so nice to your fans now. Like, I genuinely love everyone that comes up and says something to me. I'm like, oh, my God, I love you. You're so sweet. Let's take a photo. I'm always the one that's like, I can see them holding their phone and I can tell they want to ask and they're nervous. And then I just go, give it to me. Yeah. I'll take it. Yeah. And then they're like, hey, Bree. I know. She's like, well, I know who you are. Anyways, so showering outdoors. Okay. Yeah. Tangent. Yeah. I go on those a lot. And I had the curtains opened. so that I could see the view while I was showering.

Yeah. Now, I will say that the domes are a little close to one another, but I was like, well, surely nobody's going to walk into our yard. There's like a fire pit. But I guess there's a hike trail that goes through that. And a couple, no, I don't think they knew who I was, but they walked by and they pretended like they didn't see me because they definitely didn't. And I like turned around and they're like, and then the one girl was laughing.

No. Only because of the shock of seeing a nudibod that you weren't expecting. Yeah. And I, like, fully turned around and was like, oh. And then I just panicked and, like, tried to yank the curtain, but the curtain wouldn't go. It was like stuck on the rod. So then I made more of a scene. And they, like, fully.

And you know what I was doing when I was turned around the other way? No, you were shaving. Yeah. Shaving the V. Oh, my God. So not only was I bent over shaving the V and they went like, I turned around. And they turned around and they see me. I panic and I'm just like so thankful because they we met them when we first got there because

they were coming in at the same time as us. Yeah. And they were like, oh, where are you guys from? Like they definitely didn't know who we are. So that helps. Or they just did what you used to do and used to serve celebrities. And you're like, what's your name again? Oh, Tom Cruz. Never heard of him. Oh, here you go, Thomas. Here's the bill. Thomas. Is there a Thomas in here? That's so funny That's true

What if she was doing that Well then she saw me shaving my vagina Okay I'm Caitlin Bristow I'll see you next Tuesday Thanks for listening To Off the Vine with Caitlin Bristow

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