Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - The K.Lo Down: The One Before The Baby

Episode Date: July 20, 2021

While in L.A, Kaitlyn schedules a mandatory hang with her BFF and vino fav Lo VonRumpf! The two get up to all types of mischief running around to the nearest California Walmarts to hide some autographed polaroids a.k.a. the “golden ticket” on bottles of Spade & Sparrows and they reveal which location it was just in case they have yet to be found! The two haven’t seen each other for months so their mixed bag of conversation gets all kinds of weird and hilarious - reminiscing on how Lo has successfully changed Kaitlyn from a “potato with hair” to his very own styled Polly Pocket, mourning the loss of Lo’s pup Dukey and their very opposite take on dirty talk. Lo shocks Kaitlyn when he confesses that he has a sex dream with her and they wrap it up by playing a heartfelt and tear filled game of “We’re Not Really Strangers” where they fill each other’s love cup and establish their band name as well as the title of this chapter in their lives. You can find Lo on IG at @stylelvr CROCS - For that year-round summery vibe that’s stylish, you gotta check out the tulum sandal by Crocs. Head to crocs.com to buy yours. STRAIGHT TALK - Tune out the nonsense and tune in to Straight Talk Wireless. Straight Talk Wireless. No contract. No compromise. STARBUCKS TRIPLE SHOT - What gives you energy? Find your Starbucks Triple Shot energy online or at your local store. GEICO - Go to geico.com and in 15 minutes you could be saving 15% or more on car insurance. OXICLEAN - Visit oxicleancoupons.com where a coupon is waiting for you. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Okay, listen up if you love a good slow burn romance, and let's be real, who doesn't? You need to check out the new Audible Original of Pride and Prejudice. It's an intimate performance that literally makes you feel like you're right there swooning with Lizzie Bennett and Mr. Darcy. Marisa Abella as Elizabeth and Harris Dickinson as Darcy, I'm obsessed. So whether it is your first time with Jane Austen or your 50th, this version is such a fresh, fun listen. Go to audible.ca slash Jane Austen to dive in. Hey everybody, you're listening to Caitlin Bristow's podcast, Off the Vine.

Take it away, Bree. Wine. Lots of wine. Hey, be on the mic, turn it up. Let's go. Hey, ramen, Pinot, ready for the show. Everyone's welcome. So come on in because OTV, it's about to begin.

Hey. Welcome to Off the Vine. I'm your host, Caitlin Bristow. my fave and I think your fave person has joined me today, not even just for a podcast, but for an entire adventure around California heading to some Walmart so I could witness my wine flying off the shelves with my own eyes. I only ended up with a couple bruises from our adventure and most definitely a new six pack of abs because this man makes me laugh harder than anyone, as you can all relate. Anyways, my cheeks hurt. We haven't seen each other in person for months,

So we do a solid catch-up. It gets weird, really fast many times as it usually does. And then we have started our own band called Judy and the Willys. So the title of this chapter is The One Before the Baby. Because I'm feeling all grown up since Lowe has turned me from a potato with hair into his little Polly Pocket. Lo also drops a sex confession about me, like with me, and we also mourn the loss of his little duky. Wrap it up with a game of We're Not Really Strangers. you have yourself a keeper of an episode that I hope you all enjoy.

Oh, there you are. You're a little Shamu. I think we're both Shamu because... Yeah, we are. We're in a pod with the tree and the trust. And you felt like Shamu one time I am Shamu stuck in a cage most times for filming things. Yeah, it's right on brand. I've never related more when I watched Blackfish watching my story with you.

While we're stuck for dancing with the stars, everyone's going to be like, oh my gosh, she admitted that she's doing Michelle season of the Bachelorette. No, I'm talking about when I was stuck in my sky cage, my little pod in the tank. The sky cage, which was November of last year. Oh, what? I know. Time flies when you're not having fun, when you're hammered. That was a rough go.

But anyways, we need to obviously one catch up because it's been a hot minute since we've spent time together. It has. Like, since Dancing with the Sars, no? That's the last time we spoke. No. It keeps sounding like I'm tooting, but I'm just rubbing my heel on the... Oh, yeah. You're not tooting. No gas. You've only had little turkey and snap peas today. Oh, my gosh. Those aren't gassy items.

Turkey? Does turkey make you gassy? Oh, I want to fart so bad right now and just commit. Please don't. Please don't. Don't want to commit. Wait, that's kind of part of my confession. Have you been ripped? Did you just... Part of my confession is that I've been dipping back into the turkey when I'm a vegetarian. I'm feeling really guilty about it. I mean, I love turkey.

Yeah, but I don't even love birds, but they're still an animal and I ate it. Yeah, well, they're delicious and you need the protein. So go for it. Since I've been like working out so hard. Yeah, pumping iron. I never ate meat during dancing with the stars. No, actually, I know you didn't. Yeah.

I just have been dabbling lately and I feel really guilty about it. It's okay sometimes. Got a dibble dabble. And baby shamoos? Yeah. I mean, I'm a meat eater. I enjoy it. And I tried going vegetarian.

I tried the vegan thing for a while. Yeah. It was three days. And it was... Did you feel good? No. I didn't feel good, to be honest. Look, I actually, I lasted for three weeks, to be honest.

But I talked to this nutritionist and based on my blood type, which is O positive, right, that's it. I remember. He was telling me, I believe it's O positive. But based on diet, he's like, you do need meat. Because when I wasn't eating any meat at all, just plants, I was feeling lethargic. Really? Out of it. Well, were you eating enough protein?

I was having like pea protein, like through peas and stuff like that. They're just a single pee? Yeah, just one little pee on a plate for my six one body. Yeah. So I went back to eating meat. But I actually enjoy meat, but I limit it. You're doing one day a week. It's like a proven fact that our teeth are not meant to chew through meat.

we are plant-based humans. Did you know that? Didn't know that. I mean, I read it somewhere in a book. Yeah. Oh, she reads. I read now. I'm a big bookworm now. Love a good book. I do. I love to read too. I get it. I'm a total bookworm. I get my problem is I get way too into the book where I start like fantasizing about the characters and I like think it's real and then I can't sleep or I dream about them.

And it becomes like a bit obsessive. Yeah. I'm more in the autobiographical side. It's like becoming Michelle. A little splash of, I read something about like, uh, Obama. Michelle Obama becoming Michelle. I think that was the name of her book. I would like to become Michelle. I'm same.

I'm ready to transition. I love her. She's amazing. She really is. And she has such great style. I love the way Michelle Obama dresses. But I feel like you have to have great style once you are elevated to that level of a president's wife.

Yeah. Or you can pull like, I mean, no shade. She's brilliant in her own way. but the Hillary Clinton vibe she's rocking like Dr. Evil suits You know Oh yeah yeah yeah She's incredible

But it was kind of powerful It's a very powerful moment Yeah it works It works for Hillary That's Jason always jokes That he's gonna go into politics And I said I don't have the style for that Look at me right

I'm wearing backwards hat A crop top and leggings She was a skater boy She said sing a later boy Seriously But you would You would end up looking great As a politician's wife

I'm sorry I could. You would style me, but I would also. You would look incredible because I would style you and you would play the part. I'd make you a little Jackie O of Canada. Yeah, but then I would. Oh. So cute.

They're little pearls. No. Oh. Cute little Bob. Ew. No. Hey, wait, nothing against Bob. For anyone out there listening who has a Bob, I only wish I could rock a Bob.

You could rock a Bob. You have a tiny little face. I have a head that's shaped like an olive, like a little peanut head. I think you'd look cute with a bob. Do you really think so? Yeah. You have a bob happening right now. You have little strands of hair outside of your hat, like a little fighter fish.

And it's so cute. And it looks cute. Oh my God. You look adorable. I think it's flattering because you have high cheekbones and narrow face. You could pull off a bob. Yeah. Okay.

You know what? We'll play with wigs and then try it out. That's, look, I just, who did I just talk to about this? Tasia, we were like talking about what different hairstyles we could do. And I was like, we should do wigs. Because look, have you seen her braids? She pulls them off. She looks so freaking fabulous.

No, I haven't seen. And she was like talking about her hair color and what she should do. And I was like, we should both get wigs. And she was like, yes, good idea. Yeah. I mean, it's good for your hair, too. The Kardashians do it. They love a good lace front.

Obsessed. She has great wigs. Shakira. Carrie Annava from Dancing with the Star. She always rocked a different wig and I loved it. Carrie Underwood. Well, she doesn't wear a wig, but she has about 12 packs of hair in. Yeah.

You know, uh, Jennifer Aniston's completely bald. Liar! Lire! Gorgeous hair, but I don't think she wears wigs. Some people are just blessed with Amazon woman hair. Yeah. Beyonce loves a good wig. Yeah.

Uh, Sophia Vergara, she wears like head, our hair pieces in. Anyway, just let's rock wigs. Let's just rock a bob and a wig. You'll end up loving it. I thought we could talk about what we did today because if anybody watched our Instagram story dancing down the aisle to I'm a beat I'm a beat I can't believe today my career as a stylist ended and you are now a real star a TikTok star I'm a TikTok star I went viral mom and dad my little voice crack going to be Peeper because my balls haven't dropped. I know you're just really excited. I am excited.

You're very good at that whole space of TikTok. It was very impressive. Today the win was that I didn't get kicked out of Walmart. Wait, let's give context. We were close, though. Very close. Well, were we though? At the end there. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. We'll get there. Okay. Let's start at the very beginning. A very good place to start. Oh, you don't know that song. Don't. Oh, I thought you're just making it up.

No, no, no, no. It's from a sound of music. No, sound of music is great. And today started off. Context of today. Okay. By the, I'm so happy that we're finally reunited. Oh, my God.

I love that we're on the same couch breathing the same air. So nice. Let's breathe each other's air. Smells like spade and sparrows and a little bit of hummus. Sorry. The garbanzo beans. That's what it is. Oh, it made me a little gap.

I see. But you know what? The thing is, it's been months since I've seen you. But I just want to take a moment right now. Are you going to cry? Well, perhaps. A little bit of both. No, but I haven't seen you since November. So about eight, nine months. I could have carried a child by this point.

Oh. Instead of carrying one, I lost one. Little ducy. We're going there. No. No. No, a little living mill there. No, we want. We want.

crawling up. If people can see me, I'm going into the fetal position. I need to, let's just talk about it for one second. But I just, I want to say thank you to you because I haven't seen you in person, but I did lose my little dog of 14 years. And it was very painful. But I'm just very thankful to have you as a friend. And that's been there for me. Because you've, you're not even in the state of California. And you've been the most supportive, kind, loving. I mean, I've cried, ugly cried with you numerous times. And you always pick up. my face times you do you even if you miss it you'll call me back you've called me at midnight you're on the east coast i mean you're just so thoughtful so thank you i because it's helped me a lot it really has i just want to say thank you oh my god i love you it's really uh been something i'm grateful for and i'm like when you go through something like that and then you have someone that's by your side that can be there for you and understands it by the way i'm the one crying and katelyn was balling right there with me i was like fucking pull it together katelyn this is not you

We're dog. God, I just felt that pain so much for you. So empathetic. And yeah, it was really nice to have someone that I could rely on in that way and feel comfortable and safe and vulnerable. So I don't have that with a lot of people. Actually, no one. That breaks my heart.

I would feel comfortable like that to do that with, except for you. And I, well, my mom and dad, they're feeling it as well. Yeah. But I didn't want to talk to them about it because my mom's. grieving in our own way and it can get very heavy if we're both you know doing that together yeah that's i mean 14 years of a little life yeah thankful for it it was beautiful and he lived a great life but it still sucks yeah oh my god no stubbing your toe sucks yeah losing a dog is devastating and traumatizing yeah it was a rough one for god i just anyone who's lost a pet out there we

will probably cry for you if you tell us about it really but my heart and soul and prayers everything goes out to you because it is very painful but when you have little Canadian maple delights that are just little speed the high away phone a friend I'm very thankful to have that so it helps tremendously I'm so glad and then so then I had that go on but other than that I mean that was heavy but life's okay yeah I'm healthy yeah you're healthy so thank God for that but then I was eating meat like a fuck yeah i was going through a little bit of like a weird face because everything's opening up and i was feeling stress and stuff and i'm like god i just i just need to unwind and decompress and then all of a sudden it's like little judy little judy do people know the judy story i

never remember uh i well i mean the vinos no new listeners probably not well just so people get an idea. Judy Garland. Iconic. Iconic Judy Garland. I don't even explain it. So cultural icon, gay icon, Judy Garland, also known as Caitlin Bristow. There's a documentary about her in a movie. Oh, movie.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. God, I forgot. Renee Zellweger was so good in that movie that I thought she was Judy. Yeah. And Judy, who, of course, was somewhere over the rainbow, Wizard of Oz what is her Dorothy Dorothy yeah and I mean she's been in a ton of films

Yes but that was like what people I think would know Yeah and they yeah she did this movie based on her life and we found out last year Oh yeah we found out that Judy was very into pills and alcohol and she just put on her little Tapshoes and danced monkey for everybody if they wanted her to and yeah she just felt very alone at the end of it and that's And that's the story of Caitlin And that is, you know, we're basically the same person. So we're in the sky cage. Which for people who don't know the sky cage, I think they do.

But we were locked in this apartment for Dancing with the Stars, couldn't go anywhere because of COVID, locked in. And I was just like a shell of myself. Really? But I remember you coming home, bruised ribs, migraine headaches, just decrepit walking in on your last leg. And then she'd pop like four ibuproval. and then she'd get a couple

steroid shots and then she'd down that with like an edible and then guzzle some wine and I just was like Airball champ I hope that she wakes up in the morning

The next bachelor like Tasha gets the deal for going on Dennis with stars What's your advice? Judy Cocktail Judy Cocktail So we were watching

the movie with Jason and Judy is going on stage she did this residency in the UK and it was her last residency before she unfortunately for untimely death, but she was popping pills and staying up all night because she couldn't sleep because she was nervous for her performances and she would psych herself up.

And then she basically take pills to wake up, take pills to go to bed. Very, very like Elvis Presley vibes. And so as we're watching it, and Caitlin was like, where are my pills? And I was like, you're literally Judy. And it just kind of stuck. And then she didn't even finish the movie. You didn't even finish it. You passed out.

I needed my rest. You passed out on a wooden bench in the sky cage. I was in so much pain and so exhausted and so defeated and just like, truly just, I can't get over how hard it was. And I just passed out on a wooden bench and they're like, little Judy's out for the night. She's out. Yeah, she's knocked out. So that kind of just became the running joke. And then it's just stuck with you.

And it's precious, though. Whoa. Over the rainbow I got goosebumps A little bit No fake ones I hate when you call me out like that It is chilly

I do have goosebumps When you say like that wasn't funny That wasn't a real laugh Today you laughed It was real It wasn't that funny low It was see but it was though It was to me

Every moment is funny with you Especially if I haven't seen you in months Then I just embrace every second with you We're obsessed with each other Oh, it's disgusting. It's a little concerning. Like today when we were at Walmart, I actually sniffed you and was like, I'll never forget this. I'm not even kidding.

A little bit of the sniffed. Oh, thank God. I put deodorant freshly showered. Laylavo. The same goes for you. And I want to take this opportunity on your podcast to make another big announcement. Stop. I'm straight.

I mean, you just say that at the same time. I was going to be like, you're straight. You know? I'm down to fuck. That's, you've been faking it this whole time just to get close to me. Oh, my God. What a plot twist. That's a good movie.

Kind of, yeah. Oh, my God. Little is Jason now. I'm wanting to bang his fiance. I can't. Ew. Just. No, I mean.

No, I mean, no, I'm down. No, this is weird. But here's the thing. Ew, in the sense of. Like, that's, you're my sister. Oh, okay. You're my blood in my head. Like, I'm so tight with you that it would be, although I did have a sex room about you before.

Sorry? I did. I did. I know. I never told you about it. Was it a wet dream? No. Sick.

I'm disgusted. It was not. Did you wake up with morning wood? A narb? No parent reason boner? Kind of. Well, it was more like an inverted situation. Because you're so turned off it went the other way.

No. No. Oh, sick. I'm serious about this, though. I really did. I'm not making this out. Okay. Well, it could be sure.

It could be a confession. But I had taken edibles, and this was during the Skycage era, dancing with the stars. And you had done toxic Britney Spears. Oh, hot. So hot. Yeah. And I don't know. Then you came home, still had the slick back hair, a little bit of spruce.

Sparkle was still on the clavicles. Yeah, a little bit of beads of sweat. Interestingly enough, though, you only would sweat on, like, your clavicle bone area, didn't have a full face of sweat. That's because I would be covered in makeup and I only did a two-minute routine. Well, I was turned on. And, um... Understandable.

And I mean, this performance, which is also nominated for an Emmy casually. I know. Shout out to Artem because it is nominated for an Emmy for choreography, like standout choreography. It's huge. I'm so proud of him. Yeah. I am so proud of us for pulling that off.

And I'm so excited to see what happens. Same. Oh, I hope you win. I mean, fucking Derek Huff is against us, so. Oh. Well, this deserves the win. Derek already has an Emmy, doesn't he? Probably like eight.

He's like eight mirror balls and like 10 Emmys and like all the TikTok awards. No. Oh. It's for choreography. you're part oh okay I performed the choreography and I know Artem would be sweet enough to like break off a little piece of that

for me break me on a piece of that at me it's back to my wet dream or now it wasn't a wet dream at all there's no like liquid involved so anyway I saw it you came home and then we were laughing and I just felt so comfortable and you were

you had your legs propped up on me and I was giving you a little leg rub and I was like your legs are super smooth Sorry He likes really smooth And I was just like This is a really nice moment So then you're like I'm going to bed

And I was like same And I was exhausted, passed out Hit it, sex dream But then so you came into the room in my dream And I was like What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you trying to do

And you got in the bed And then you basically were You know, trying to get on top of me So then you I can't believe I'm saying this out loud. I'm so scared. I can't even look at you.

So then as I'm inside you, no, I'm kidding. There is no, oh my God. No. So then you, you were like making out or whatever.

And then. Oh, whatever. Yeah, little makeout such. That's cute. Cute. And then I was trying to like talk like, like dirty a little bit with you. And then we just,

you just started busting out laughing. And then I started laughing. And then you got the snorts. And then I started laughing. I started, and then, like, I don't know, like a little fart happened or whatever. Like, it was just like a funny moment. And then basically we just couldn't go through with it because we were just hysterically laughing. We're like, what are we doing?

And because you're gay. And because I'm super gay. And there's that too. And in the dream, you're like, low, you're gay, Lo, like, you don't have to do this. And I was like, what I want to. Your dirty talk would be. I can't. I'm not doing it.

Wait, how do you dirty talk? I mean, I know how to dirty talk. Of course I do. Really? I'm so bad at it. are you i mean i'll do it mine's just more i don't want to say i can't say all these words though can't say the p word i can't be like um you're a c word i can't the c word oh oh like a big throb and you hate that word yeah what about i'm fine with it i'm fine with all the words what do you call

it not okay with it coming out of a pee pee pee a pee oh jason look at that pee i call his a wrench Or a hammer or something All right He's getting out the hammer Yeah Hammer time Hammer time Oh oh oh

Oh that's new kids on the block Love that song So yeah Well my dirty talk Is more like cursing And stuff like that Oh yeah It gets a little

Do you ever call them daddy Do you ever speak in Spanish I do I do occasionally throw a little Like a little poppy in there Oh poppy A little bit of that I'm a chingado Oh

Spicy Mine's like Yeah, hit it, hit it TikTok dance Bam, bam Show them girls like Bapa da-da-da-da-da-ba-da-ba-ha-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-pah I'm like that sound

Is that it? Sounds like a pigeon Yeah, he's just having sex with a pigeon Not a turn-on No? No I don't know what should I say? Like, give it to me, Jason

I'm all the pick Yeah, well, does he like that, though? Maybe he's okay with you not, just being silent. Just being a silent starfish. Guys love that. Just lay there and do nothing. They love when you do that. Don't say a damn word.

A little, I mean, give him something. If you're not going to curse or you're not going to say anything, at least throw a few little fun moans, something, a grunt or two. Oh, I'm saying I'm quiet. Oh, there she is. Oh, wow. Okay. Hey, Al.

We were going to have to play the game. We're not really strangers, but I don't know. How are we going to play? We're not really strangers. We haven't told a fucking Walmart story. Oh. Oh, there's that. I mean, basically, we went to Walmart because we're in California.

And my wine is available in over 187 plus Walmarts. So exciting. We went to the one in Burbank Yes, a big one They're a flagship Which I don't even know if it was on my list We called and they're like yeah We have like a few bottles left

So if you're listening to this And nobody's made it there yet Rush down to the Burbank one Because we took Polaroids We taped them to the back We signed them We had a fun time We did a TikTok

We did a reel We did choreography with the I fit in the kids space For the cart Yeah Oh it was cute I was all hyped up I felt so

cocky. I was like, my fucking wine is on the top shigley shelf, top titties right above J-Lore above Josh. Whispering Angel? Whispering who now? Yeah, isn't that called whispering angel? It's a good. I was just trying to put my own tires there. I love that, rosé.

But yours is better. Yeah, and it was on the top shelf. And so I was all like feeling good. Like I shoot. Yeah. And we had so much fun. You threw me into a cooler full of beer. Everybody has to go watch that. If you haven't seen my reel that I did with Lowe, it goes, I'm a be fly and shit, so fly.

And Lowe literally picked me up to go, so fly, and I spread my wings and I literally crashed into like beer cases and smash my knee. I'll have a bruise. You will, oh, definitely have a bruise. I'm definitely going to have a bruise. Into the wine case or beer case, you guys. So far, I literally threw me in. We'll post that for the off the vine.

That one was so good as I did it in one take. I gave you a cute little toss. A cute little toss. Like a little pickup and drop down. And I was like, no, no, no, throw me out of frame. I got dirty there. I was like, no, no, you pick me up and you throw me out of frame. I was like, are you sure?

And you're like, throw me. No boundaries. Just do it. And I'm like, all right, I'm doing it. And you're like, grab me by the way. You put my hands, grab me. And chuck me. I want you to hurl me into the wall.

Like yesterday's trash. And that's what I did. Do my thing. Okay. So good. It was so fun. So after like three hours at Walmart. Making this TikTok.

Yes. We went to check out. It's a busy Walmart. We had to stand in line for a long time for this one bottle that we really wanted to get. Now, a couple confessions here coming up. We wait in line. Got some tachis. Oh, tachis.

T-a-tikis. You love them. I do. I just don't know how to say them. T-A-K-I. I don't like the roll-up ones. You got some waves. That's a new launch.

I wish, oh my God, is Taki a sponsor? No. Sponsorship opportunity. Tockeys. Okay. Swipe up. They're very good. They're delicious.

Katie Thurston actually introduced me. I can't believe it wasn't you. Who knows what's in them? A little bit of mercury. Lots of chili, cayenne and spice. No meat, though. Yeah. No weed.

Is that what you said? Meat. Oh, no meat, though. Yeah, they're vegetarian. Yeah. But I just love them. And they're a spicier version, in my opinion. Actually, I'm curious what your listener thinks.

Try a toky and try a Flaming Hot Cheeto. Jason and I were up on the couch the other night until 3 o'clock in the morning. Stop. Arguing about talk. Taki is spicier. Yeah. It is. Yeah.

I know. Okay. Flaming hot Cheeto is like for p. I hate that word. I hate that word. Also, I hate when people say something like weak is for pitties. Like, oh, that's for pitties. It's the strongest thing on the planet to give birth.

Push a watermelon out of a garden hose. Have you ever flicked a guy's balls? It's painful. Yeah. They go down in two seconds if you hit a wean. Yeah. So it's like, yeah, those are for weaners. That's better.

That's better. Yeah. We need a little paradigm shift in that. Let's all make it happen. Oh. Anyways. So. We buy some tachies.

Yeah. And some spade and sparrows. And I'm just like Lowe's recording the big moment, me checking out my first bottle wine at Walmart. I don't want to record my first bottle I'm buying. This is so big. And I'm like, because there wasn't a lot left. I was like, oh, this shit's flying off the shelves. So fly.

It's flying off the shelves like me flying out of Lowe's arms. So she checks out. She checks me out and I look at her. I go, so is that a, that wine's selling fast, just flying off the shells. She looked me dead in the eyes Looks at the bottle and looks at me and goes No It's not

It's not You had a bad day Taking one down Just to turn it around Which we did turn it around Because we walked out of Walmart And really she didn't even charge us for the damn bottle Oh yeah she didn't charge

That's amazing I felt really guilty and I'm going to call them later Because Yeah That's theft bro and that's you're stealing it from your own company i mean i'm sure of obviously walmart gets a percentage of that yeah and i just can't i can't live with myself i'm calling them i already looked up their number i'm going to say you didn't charge me for my own wine after telling me it's not flying

off the shelves like serve me up a slas of that humble pot sure did i took the whole pot and then the guy though that was bagging groceries he's like um i don't care if it's selling or not i care that You're filming me right now. Please delete it. I have for my own safety. And we said, ooh, we've got a criminal and we've got blackmail. You must be a pedophile or on America's Most Wanted and I'm posting it yesterday. Yep.

It's up there. So if anyone wants to report them. Report him now. Damn it. No, we're too nice. We took them out. Yeah, sure did. But yeah, I mean, I don't know if they were.

It was her first day, right? It's first day, Caitlin. Sure, it was her first day. That wine's flying off. It is flying off the shelves because there was no rosé and no pina grigio. Those were sold out. It's true. And there's only two Pinot Noirs left and like eight cabs.

There's about eight cabs. So yeah, it is flying off the shelf. Yeah. Sarah P. Yeah. I think that was her name. It was Olivia. Oh.

Yeah. Why do I get the oldest man laugh when I'm with you? Like I either belly gut laugh or go. Yeah. I get the. wheeze too i get the asthma wheezes yeah weezy oh god you just call me weisy f baby what is that little wayne

whizzy f baby no i don't know that reference i can wrap weasy if you'd like oh my god hit it uh thinking out loud i could be broken have a million dollar smile l-o-l to the bank checking my account bank teller flirting after checking my account

pretty ladies are here truffle butter on it vagina Cuddle buddies on a low You ain't got to tell your friend That I eat it in the morning Because you're gonna say I know Had I hit it in the bathroom Put your hands on the toilet

I put my leg on the tub girl That's my new dance move I just don't know what to call it Get a load of this line But bitch you dancing with the stars I ain't nothing like your last dude What's his name not important I bought some cocaine nephew snowing

She became a vacuum Put it on my dick like cup it Stuck the water white chocolate I'm so heartless thoughtless Lawless small list Regardless lodges In charge of born in New Orleans Get killed

for Jordan Skate Board of Knowledge, Drake Tucci Bobby, you know. That was a lot. Would you like to take that in? Yeah, I just need to process that for a moment. Yeah, wow. Impressive. I mean, truffle butter.

So, truffle butter is a sexual term. Well, it's actually a delicious oil coming from mushrooms. That's a very delicacy, yeah. But in this context, it is, um, truffle butter is a little drippage from, Yeah. No. I didn't make it up. You're disgusting.

I didn't make it up. Weezy F, baby. He's the way. I didn't even know that was a thing. Yeah. Wow. Google it. I'm good.

I got enough of that today. You just fed me a delicious plate of truffle butter. Yeah, I dare you to eat truffle butter now. In my sex stream with you, I enjoyed truffle butter. A little dip with some. fries and that and Jason had a couple fries and should we play a game yeah let's do that okay no I'm so down you brought we're not really strangers which is really fun because Bailey just bought me this game oh cool but I forgot to bring it so the fact that you did

yeah so we're not really strangers it's a very popular game I don't know how they have so many followers on Instagram I don't know but they sponsored one of my live podcast tours once really yes I'm obsessed with them it's a great game for getting to know anyone for that matter but even someone you're already close with that's what low and i decided we're like people we went to instagram we're like what do you guys want to know and they're asking all these questions i'm like i feel like everyone already knows this well i already know this about you and they always like i've got the perfect game for us because now we can ask deeper questions and people can really get to know the low down yeah oh the low down the k low down the k low down here we go

Here we go. All right. This is our segment called the K-Lo Down. Wow. Should we make up the jingle? Here we go. The K-Lo. This isn't going to work.

It's the K-Lo-down. Here we go. A freaking K-Low down. How would you describe me to a stranger? I would say, Lowe is unlike any other person I've ever met in my entire life. He is a combination of a comedian Mixed with the most thoughtful kind human I've ever met Mixed with like I have no shame in my game around him

He's the most accepting, loving, funny, outgoing, thoughtful, sweet human Who will be in my bridal party Because I can't get married without him up there Oh, you really are crying I love you. That's sweet. Well, I mean every word. You're beautiful poota.

And you've brought my style level from a fucking soft two to a hard nine. It has been fun turning you into my little Polly pocket. Yeah, I'm not a potato with hair anymore. Sure not. Yeah. Trading in the banana boat for some freaking fenty beauty. I still don't have a designer purse. Oh.

Oh, I bought you one. Oh. I'll bring it tomorrow. Oh. I got it for you for Christmas. I never sent it. There is a reason that every time I tried to buy a bag on Prada, is it Prada?

Prada. I'm just kidding. I know. Prada. It would say error. Error. Oh, I remember you're trying to buy it. That was a beautiful bag.

Yeah. Now I got you really cute one. It has a little leopard on it. And I love it. It's really cute. Uh-uh. Yeah. So that's part of your.

Merry Christmas. So I have to describe you now. That was by the I'd love to But that was beautiful That's like what you said to me I feel like I could go on too Soulmate that's really sweet of you to say And how I would describe you as

This unicorn magical little Canadian maple delight You're not like any female that's in my life I think you walk to the beat of your own drum I think you're fearless You're authentic You're wise beyond your years You're extremely kind You're an empath

and I think anyone that has an opportunity to meet you in person is very lucky. Even luckier to call you a friend because you're the most loyal human I've ever met. And yeah, you're just a lovely, beautiful human being that brings light to any room she enters. Any room, even if you're not trying, like you could be miserable and still light up a room with your little face and your beautiful eyes and you're just so sweet. And you are like a little pure, delicious little Tim Snorten Tim bit. Fresh out the oven or whatever they fry them or whatever. Remember when I freaked out today because the light was on at crispy creams? You did go a little nuts for a hot donut sign.

I did. Oh, that was, why am I not crying? Am I a robot? Yeah, sociopath. I didn't add that to the list. That was so nice. But it's all true, those things. You really are.

You're the real deal. Your listeners know, people can sniff out in off, or what's the word, in authenticity? Yeah. Disingenuous. Yeah. And you are, what you hear, what you see is what you get. And I think that's the beautiful thing about you. Thank you.

And you've inspired me to be more comfortable in my own skin. Oh. For sure. Wait, that's the best compliment anyone could ever say to me. Oh, well, I mean it because if I have inspired anyone, especially my close people or people I don't know to be more comfortable in their own skin, that literally makes, that'll make me cry. That's awesome. Thank you for saying all those things. I mean, every word of it.

And I know listeners would agree with it. And if they don't, well, they don't know you that. Why are they listening then if to someone they don't even like? Yeah. Wow, that was really special. Okay. Okay. How did we talk that?

What title would you give this chapter in your life, Caitlin? Oh my gosh. This chapter, I would say the one before the baby. Oh. Wow. Love that. This is the wedding chapter. Yeah.

The wedding chapter, aka the one before the baby. One before the baby. you're pregnant well no are you oh my god why has you really guzzling wine I know I'm not but we all know what I am all announced to the Binos first how exciting okay I love that I'm going to call the title of this chapter in my life transformation it's a transformation chapter I believe that this year has been the most transformational year of my entire miserable life it's just been an eye-opening my priorities have changed.

Yeah, they really have. I've noticed in you. You have. In the best way possible, yeah. You know, when we spent all that time together at the sky cage, you had said, like, Lo, you seem like a different person to me. Yeah. I think you grew from the sky cage.

Yeah, okay. I do. Not because of the sky cage. That was a part of it, though. Did I say because of? No, it was part of it, though. During it. It was a very pivotal time in so many people's life, and it depends what you do, it depends

what you did with it. Yeah. And you really. got comfortable in yourself, said I'm not being a yes man anymore. I'm going to do things for myself. Cut out a lot of toxicity in my life. Toxic friends, toxic people, toxic exes. Had a lot of little mini funerals in my head for all of those disgusting people that were just

draining me. Even the strongest swimmer will drown if you keep letting people hang on you. So that was one thing I learned this year. And then just in all aspects, you know, work stops. I wasn't making any money. Thank God I had a savings or, you know, I'd be on the streets or, you know, living in the sky cage. You'd be in Nashville. I would be in Nashville full time, to be honest. Yeah.

I got somewhere to go. Yeah. But I was able to keep my place and everything with no work. And it just was a very eye-opening year because I realize I love what I do. I love styling. I love podcasting. But at the same time, podcasting is really a comfortable space for me. And also, styling is a big part of my world, but it's not my world.

Yeah. But you're doing two things that you love and that you're good at, one just more than the other, that you love. And that's awesome that you're going for it because you were worried about doing it. And I was like, you have to. You were born to do this. By you are born this way. Gaga reference. Yeah.

No wonder you have boners over me. Yeah. Bringing up our gay queen. Oh, if we were in a band, what would our. band name be free willie in the shammuz cute or judy and the free willies oh it's kind of cute we could all be dressed in like little free willie outfits like me and jason jessie and the willies jesse well he was the kid that saved free he freed willie okay but i'm judy and the willies judy and the willies love it judy and the willies oh so fun i can't wait for our

Halloween costume. Oh, my God. We already discussed this. Yeah. We are all fighting over who's going to be the big rock that Willie jumps over. Who's going to be the rock? Who's going to be Willie and who's going to be Jesse? Jason definitely doesn't want to be a rock.

No, he doesn't want to be the rock at all. He wants to be the cute kid. Yeah, but he knows I get to be the cute kid. You're going to be the, yeah. Yeah. And he'll be the orca and I'll be a rock. Really? I don't mind.

Okay. I have a lot of bronzer. Yeah, I'll just bronze myself up and I'll make like a cute, chic fashion rock. Yeah, I'll be the cutest little whale. No, I'm being Jesse. No, I'm being Jesse. Yeah. Okay, what?

Oh, yes, I'll wear a backwards hat and like flannel. Yeah, oh, hot. Yeah, I'm itching my butt right now. You just look, I mean, I'm just itching my butt. What about me is the hardest thing for you to understand? How planned you have to be? Oh, interesting. Like, like for a podcast or like, okay, how much of a perfect?

You have to be when you're just so naturally funny and you literally hit everything perfectly or like ads or things you have to do like your Instagram stories, they are literal perfection where I'm just like, here's a piece of dog shit. And I like throw it up on my stories. Like you're so I'm I can't understand being that, which is why you're successful in what you do. I'm not saying it as a bad thing. I get it. This isn't something to negative about you. This is something I can't understand because I'm not like. like that. I function in chaos. You need

organization. I love organization. I love a plan. I live for a plan. Not I. Anything. Like if we're going into like a weekend together hanging out, let's do you and I are going on a little Saturday, Sunday, getaway. Yeah. I want breakfast. This is what we're doing for breakfast. You're the

itinerary guy. I love an itinerary. Oh, I see. But I love when people are like that because I ain't. I'm okay to not stick with the plan though. Okay. I'm not too A type. Yeah. Yeah. No, you're not. Yeah, I'm okay with like mistakes happening, but I am a perfectionist, you're right. And that could actually sometimes be to my demise, you know, but I'm working on it one day at a time. No, this is not a negative thing.

It's definitely something. Now I want to know what, now I want to know what you can understand about me. One thing that's hard for me to understand about you, I'd say is when it comes to the people that you've let in your life sometimes, I'm like, sometimes people are taking advantage of you. And I guess it's not something I would understand about you. I guess I'm like, how does this even happen? Like how? Give names right now. Okay. So we're starting off with, no, can you imagine? I got a list. But no, I think you have a very good circle around you right now and you're very protective of who's in your innermost circle. But I've seen throughout the years of knowing you, people come in and

out of your life, but, but they do you dirty. And I'm just like, how does that even happen? Because I do believe in the laws of attraction. And I'm like, you don't bring that into your life. I know the human that you are. And I think that sometimes people can be drawn to light. Sometimes there's some darkness that's brought into that light too. But maybe people, it's not my fault.

It's that other people need some light. So they enter my life for a reason. And maybe they learn a little lesson when they go and I say, fuck off, never talk to me again, bitch. But you don't. Oh. do you well i can think of someone okay very but like few and far between yeah like a good like off is like i do love that moment personally but i think that you always err on the side of

kindness and politeness which is so weird right yeah i just don't have it in me to really just i mean i'll cut people out oh yeah i'll cut people out they'll never see you again yeah but i won't be mean about it. Yeah, you won't. Even if they do something so nasty and terrible and unforgivable, I'll just go, well, karma is a bitch and it has no deadline. What would be the perfect gift for me? Oh, an organizer.

Just kidding. The perfect gift for you would be like a non-for-profit organization in your name that saves pugs. Oh. I love it. Wow. That was really good. Nailed it. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my God. That or unlimited Botox, but yes. Well, oh shit. Okay, you can say that for me.

Yeah. Okay. There you go. We're one in the same. Or an organization to save little golden retrievers. Well, there is one of those. Oh, I know. But like one specifically, it was just like the Bristow found, the little Judy Foundation. Oh my God. Judy Foundation. We had a farm. Yeah. Where you just have tons of these dogs and they're being saved and put in foster, you know, homes with wonderful people. You would love that. And I would too for pugs. Oh, wait. It's the dream. That's my dream, too, but with Goldens and to help you with pugs. But I am just laughing so hard. No, I'm not. I'm speaking.

But in my head, I'm laughing hard because, you know, average fashion blogger? Yeah. She's hilarious. She's so fucking funny. That's her handle, right? Average fashion blogger. And I pee my pants laughing at her shit all the time. Anyways, I was trying to get her to notice me like a desperate little bitch.

And I was like, sent her a DM because I saw she followed a couple bachelor people, not me. And I was like, oh, she's a bachelor fan. I'm going to reach out because I'm so obsessed with her. I want her to come on the podcast. And she never responded to me, which is fine because she probably gets so many downs. And she's very popular. And she's so funny. Like one of the funniest people I can watch on the internet.

And anyways, my best friend in Nashville, her name is Kat Campbell. She also works with Elizabeth, who does my Botox. They work at the same place. Go see her if you need any in Nashville. Indie, indie skin care. She sent me a cameo of Corny, as Corny calls herself. at average fashion blogger and it's the funniest thing and she goes yeah i heard you were missing jason and the dog so like cat told me to tell you that like you're going to see them soon and

blah blah and she goes and we're going to do a shot together and she does this three minute video that's just hilarious and she goes so anyways um we're going to do a shot and then you're going to stop being a little bitch okay and she's like i'm just kidding i'm just kidding she was totally joking and she does this whole three minute spiel on her she was like okay i'm going to be jason oh hey Caitlin and she's gonna not and she goes now I'm gonna be the dogs and she goes oh my god I have neighbors I'm gonna think I'm so weird like it was the freaking best cameo I wonder if I could post out of that's supposed to be like private you should post it it's your cameo the funniest thing it made my whole day I love that okay low

I mean we have so much more to do yeah so much I don't want to end it here no you're gonna talk some business talk with me and we're gonna just have a great great grand wonderful You wouldn't know that because you don't watch Billy Madison, which we learn in your episode of the low life. Yeah. Yeah. Not the love show. It's the low life podcast. Sorry.

They both sound so good. The low life podcast. We're going to continue this banter on the low life podcast that comes out Thursday. Yes. And we already recorded it and I can tell you that it's probably one of the funniest things we've ever done. I have so much fun with you. It's stupid. The feeling is freaking mutual.

Was it on my podcast or yours where we talk about how we're a drug that we're We want to snort up each other's noses. It's that good. We started it on this one, and I think we brought it on home online. We really drive at home on Lowe's podcast. So everybody, I hope you enjoyed this off the vine because you're my number one requested guest. What? Oh, don't act surprised.

I am surprised. You're like the Target lady, but when she's on S&L and she's like, don't make me sing. Don't make me sing. Oh, Kristen Wick. Yeah, don't make me dance. Don't make me. saying is a really, am I really the most wanted podcast guests?

Yeah, right. Don't make me talk. It's okay. Gay gasp. I know. Well, no, but you've had some killer guests on this, off the vine. My God, I'm a big fan.

But people love a good shit show, a good shit show, a good laugh, real moments, real conversation, funny friendships, and that's exactly what we are. I do have. have a complete uh what i guess i would say you are my i've compared to you a lot your only sunshine

i make you happy when skies are gray there she goes i will never know dear how much you love me so i will never take your sunshine away what i was going to go with my liquid like my vodka chaser like you are i just feel very very comfortable like i i don't even feel like there's any effort that goes into it would you shit in front of me absolutely not oh so not that comfortable what you wouldn't poop in front of me i would if i had to but i would would never elect to do that. And I know you do that with me. And I love that for you.

But I just have a thing. Well, now I'm. Okay. I'm about to take a shit right here. Should we podcast? I guess I wouldn't. You know what? I would.

I'll tell you this much. I wouldn't, I didn't want to shit in front of you, but I have gone number two and you have gone and applied your bronzer. And you've been like, oh, good morning, Lowe. And I was like, I'm going to kill myself. Oh. But that, to me, was the equivalent of shitting on your bed while you're laying in there with me.

So that was huge. God, baby steps. It's different. My butt's used for a lot of different things, Caitlin. Mine is precious, precious, sacred space, and I still would do it in front of you. I love that. I love you. I love you, too.

I love you so much. Speaking of buttholes, let's go to the other part. I'll see you next Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Off the Vine with Caitlin Bristow. Get new episodes every Tuesday exclusively on podcast.1.com, the Podcast One app and subscribe on Apple Podcasts.