Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Violet Benson: Not Defined by Daddy Issues

Episode Date: June 27, 2023

Violet Benson may be known for her popular account @daddyissues_ but she’s definitely more than just a girl who posts memes and has disappointment in her dad. On today’s episode, she’s opening up about all of it, from the celeb she hooked up with while she was with KB at the Kentucky Derby (even though she wouldn’t share it on her own pod!) to why she decided to leave her anonymity behind to what exciting project she’s been manifesting. Kaitlyn and Violet are getting into all things past, present, and future; Violet shares the reasons she found herself cripplingly insecure when she first started dating, why there should be a limit on the number of Matts one can kiss, and what she even looks for in a partner, leading into a gross yet somewhat cute confession. Plus, the two podcasters are bonding over their common struggle with confronting the hate they get online and some pretty out-there intrusive thoughts they’ve had lately… turns out, they’re not alone! Thank you to our sponsors! Check out these deals for the Vinos: HELLOFRESH - Go to HelloFresh.com/vine16 and use code vine16 for 16 free meals plus free shipping!  ANGI - Your home for everything home.  See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Conix Ontario at 1866-531-2600 to speak to a advisor free of charge but mGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with eye gaming ontario this episode of off the vine is brought to you by hello fresh go to hellofresh slash vine 16 and use code vine 16 for 16 free meals plus free shipping and angie your home for everything home we can do you want to start your podcast yeah let's start the podcast uh We were at the derby at the same time, ended up in the same suite. And it was like the, it was the most random, because I don't know how I ended up in the

Raisin Chicken suite. Like, I was like, what are we doing? I walked in. Nobody was there when I walked in except for Dave Portnoy from Barstool. I walked in and it was just like him and his girlfriend and then us. And I was like, how do we get in here? And then all of a sudden you came in, frigging young gravy, all these like football players. And I was like, I just.

assumed you were friends with all of them. I met them time at the same time as you. Okay. So you went to the derby. You were like, I'm just going to go by myself and figure it out. Well, I was originally invited by Mercedes to go. Okay. So, because I have a partnership with them, specifically a branch of Mercedes. That's how I have a G-wagon. I swear, driving a G-wagon now, I don't think I can ever go back to another car. But I will say, humbly say that I drive a G-wagon because I have a specific deal with Mercedes, not because I'm sitting around spending, I don't know, three, four thousand dollars on that car a month. Not there's anything wrong with that, but personally, I wouldn't be able to afford to spend.

Yeah. Do you consider like they start at like 120 grand? Yeah. And mine's custom-made thanks to my partnership. So honestly, it's such a blessing and I'm really thankful. And I genuinely believe that I manifested it because this is the weirdest thing. but I think it had to do with my daddy issues growing up or something where I get competitive with the men I date when we break up versus I never compete with other women.

They're my buddies, my best friends. And then with men, for whatever reason it is, because I always needed to prove myself to my father that when I break up with any guy, is this weird competitiveness in my head that just goes, like when I'm feeling bad at myself right after the breakup, I'll think, well, if I had what they had, then I would have been good enough for them. And it's a weird thing. And then the last two guys, I remember that I was. dating also sorry for my voice it sounds weird because i just had surgery it sounds cute actually

thank you but these two guys that i was dating in the row uh back to back both had g wagons and my brain i was like i'm so jealous they're so cool for having g wagons blah blah and then next thing i know it like fell in my lap this g wagon deal and it okay so then because i'm competitive too so then once you get the g wagon are you like yes i've i forgot about them I was sitting in my car and I was like, I love this car. Who was I dating again? Who? Actually, before we started recording, you were saying, we were both talking about how our memory is so shit.

And then you tell everybody what you said. I literally said gaslighting doesn't work on me because my memory is so bad that I would just believe you. I don't care. And that I also wouldn't care. So you told me I did something and be like, yeah, that checks out, okay. Isn't it crazy that you had these dad issues that you still and then also made a business out of it? it yeah i always like to ask guests like if if you're sitting next to somebody on a plane and they're like who are you what do you do what would you say um i would say podcaster yeah but if i

had to fully introduce myself like on the podcast yeah i would say what i'm originally known for is daddy issues which is a large meme account on instagram for women mostly for women yeah and then from the and i was anonymous for two years which was really cool that is cool from that I became the face of it. And then ever since then, I also created a podcast, which is more about mental health and lifestyle type of based advice, which hopefully one day you'll come on. I will, I swear. But I swear, and this is not me gaslighting you, I actually think I've done your podcast.

No. What? We keep planning it and then it doesn't work. By the way, you guys, it's not a big deal, but here's a funny thing. When people have podcasts, normally they do a podcast swap because it benefits both of them. And it benefits more the person that gets to go. go on someone else's podcast. Yeah.

So the funny thing is that I'm just continuously just benefiting from this relationship, but I try to have her benefit for me as well. I'm like, dude, come on my podcast. I have a large podcast. Come on. Let's go. And then like the scheduling doesn't work out. I'm like, okay.

I actually get annoyed at myself because I overbook. Every time I go to any city, it's always for like 48 hours. And then I just jam pack my schedule with so much shit. And then I go, like, my friends in L.A. will be like, why didn't you tell me you were here? I was like, I don't have time. Well, I would rather do that than, I mean, you can go out anywhere in my opinion if i'm flying somewhere like if i'm going to come to

national even for a day i will probably figure out what the podcasts are in nashville in order for me to just go back to back right but i need to do more of that where i go on like yes do you know who imman shumpert is no okay so he was a basketball player he won dancing with the stars um the year after me uh i went on his podcast yesterday and i was like why don't i do more of this it's so fun i love being a guest on people's podcasts yeah okay it is very well it is really cool. You should try it. You should try it sometime. No, I really do want to. I will next time I'm here. Okay. Which was probably like next month. I come all the time. Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay, that's good to know. Yeah. I literally, so I'll book it.

We'll figure it out. Either I come to Nashville for you to come of mine or I'll wait until next month and we'll figure it out. And so I love the fact that you were anonymous. What made you change and be like i'm going to be me now it felt like the right time and i would say a part of me because at first when i was growing daddy issues i thought it was really cool because a well i was an accountant when i was doing that oh i was going to ask you that okay so i'm an accountant accountant yeah because now i know there's like a whole slang with accountant oh i don't know like on tic talk like i'm an accountant wink oh you were a real one yeah yeah i was up a i in a large accounting firm, so it's, I couldn't be public with that stuff anyway because

a lot of sexual jokes and things like that. And also when you're anonymous, you can say more shit. You don't feel judged. And I felt so invisible at the time when I was doing it. I was really feeling down. I was depressed. The women in my team were making my life miserable. And I'm not just saying that in a sense where they were, oh, they were mean to me.

Like it was to the point where HR had to get involved that no one could even fire me because of how serious the HR involved. was it was no joke which is fine you know I'm not complaining because I have them to thank for giving me the life that I currently have yeah very happy I make more than any partner in that firm so what a blessing yeah jokes on them yeah exactly so it was anonymous and when I was anonymous it was fun because I got to create different marketing strategies in order for other people to pretend to be daddy issues it was like a whole thing and then eventually I I think I think I did start to be a little jealous where everyone else gets to say they're daddy

issues, except the real person that's daddy issues. Also, to watch the women that hate me at work love daddy issues, but not me in my brain. I'm like, come on, I knew you would like me. That's so funny. If you just got to know me, I knew it. Yeah. Why? I wonder just jealous women. I don't think, I don't, there's a lot of words that I don't like to use. I wouldn't, I don't want to say jealous because I can't get in their brain, but I will say people often project their insecurities onto you. So I've learned now years since I was in my early mid-20s when I started out issues that including myself, when we dislike things about someone else, it's normally traits

that we have in ourselves that we don't like or that we want. Yeah. Or something we want. So more often than not, when you walk around thinking everyone hates you, when you walk around hating everyone else, it's from inside. It's nothing to do with the people from the outside. Have you ever read the book, the most? mountain that is you? Wait, I have it, but no, I haven't read it. Oh, it's the first chapter.

I was like, oh, this is the most validating, life-changing book ever. Oh, really? Yeah. And it talks a lot about that. Like, it goes through each emotion that people feel and what really that emotion is telling you. And it's, it's just like, I don't know, I listen to it on audiobooks. There's certain books I like to read and then there's ones I like to listen. This one, I'll just walk the dogs and listen to it and I'm it's amazing I think I read it a long time ago so I should probably get back into it I recently did a load of research on different books and I bought a bunch for something I'm working on just so I can go through it and figure out the structures and the books so you're writing a book you can't confirm or deny but if you're buying books

I'm going to assume you are smart I love that you should absolutely write a book like It feels like the next thing that you should do. Yeah. That's originally why I started a podcast. Really? Mm-hmm. Like that you felt like that was. That was my goal.

That was my goal in my brain to write a book. And I said, what's the best strategy if I'm going to write a book? Oh, I know. I'll start with a podcast. Yeah. And that would lead me to write a book. Ah. Is your podcast, because you talk about mental health a lot on it, do you find that that's

therapy in itself for you? Because, like, if you are so, so aware that you have these daddy issues, You've made a whole brand out of it. Do you ever do like inner child work or? Yeah, I'm actually going to do, well, every month on my podcast that I change the topic. So sometimes it's more serious. Sometimes it's more light. And for example, for June month, it's more light.

And so a hookup month. And it's more fun and all that. But then July, I dive into parental issues. Yeah. And that's daddy issues, mommy issues, having narcissistic parents. having abusive parents, and each, and it's all solos. So when I do solo episodes, it is therapeutic for me because no, none of the solo episodes I do are based on just solely my opinion.

Yeah. Solely my opinion. Or it's based on research. So then I'll read a specific book about that topic. I'll go listen to different TED talks. I look at what researchers and doctors are saying or philosophers, whatever I'm talking about. And then I write it out. So then I write like 10 to 15 pages for that specific episode.

and then I try to relate by trying to figure out some of my life experience of how I can review or reposition my views to attach to that topic and then I do the solo episode so I think a lot of times I would say I'm more the messenger where I'm just a curious person in general I'm so curious about so many things I didn't get to have growing up including emotions and expressing them which is why I'm so passionate about it so yeah my solo episodes are based on research and then advice off for that yeah but only because it's important for me to I'm so curious to understand why something is happening why I feel the way that I do and then I get to deliver to other people and a lot of times now people are aged they're not sitting there wanting

to hear what a 60, 70 year old person has to say because they find it boring or it's too long so I get to then shorten it and make you more fun and then you still get to learn and study about it in a 20 minute podcast episode and it's so good because there's not one person planet earth that shouldn't listen to a podcast about mental health and learn something about themselves right like it's not always about mental health like i definitely have my fun episodes i think your confession um confession corner confession corner yeah okay all my vinos know that i really do enjoy cooking a meal from time to time but one thing i do not enjoy is a lot of the planning that can go into it sometimes like the overthinking it can feel overwhelming it definitely is not overwhelming

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they give me new ideas. I would have never thought of. And you already know that Hello Fresh is more convenient than grocery shopping, but did you know that it's cheaper too? It's also 25% less expensive than takeout. And if you need dinner ready like right meow, look for quick and easy recipes on the Hello Fresh menu, including fast and fresh options ready in just 15 minutes. or less, go to hellofresh.com slash vine 16 and use code vine 16 for 16 free meals plus free shipping. That's incredible. That's hellofresh.com slash vine 16 and use code vine 16 for 16 free meals plus free shipping. Hello fresh America's number one meal kit. I want to go back to the derby. Yeah, let's go back to the derby. Yeah. Do you think it's confidence that you're like, I'm going to go by

myself and and I'll meet people and go? I think the most fun times is when you don't plan anything out. Yeah. So I think that's where you have the most fun. So I was planning on going with Mercedes. And then last minute, there was some issues with the Airbnb. The guy was kind of being creepy. I don't know.

And we weren't, we kept trying to pay the guy and the guy wasn't taking the money yet. And he's like, oh, we'll figure it out when she gets here. It was really weird. So I reached out to one of my friends. who told me he was going to the derby, my friend Cam. Yeah. And he works with Raising Cains. So I was like...

Nashville Cam. Yes. Nashville Cam. So I asked... We've been friends for years. So I asked him if he can help me find a place to stay. Yeah. And I was like, yeah, I'll post or something for it.

And then he's like, okay, sure, yeah. And I didn't even know which Branda was anything like that. He was just like, oh, yeah, okay, I got you a place. You can say this hotel. and then he said Friday and Saturday and I arrived Thursday so I literally got off the plane I texted the Mercedes people about the Airbnb and I'm like shit should I go to the Airbnb I wasn't sure yeah I called the hotel and I said hey do you guys buy any chance have a room for me because I also wasn't it's hard for me to trust people when they just say things yeah because I was like

this feels too easy right and they were like yeah we have a room I was like when can I check in he's like they're like well it's better if you check in early so you can check in today and I'm like oh okay so I was like I told my Uber driver wait never mind don't go there. I'm like, just take me to the hotel. And when I was flying to the Kentucky, to Kentucky, I, in my brand, I was like, okay, so I kind of know, I've never met my Mercedes rep, but like we talk a lot. And I know Cam, we're friends, we're pals.

So I kind of know two people there. So I think I'll figure it out. Right. That was kind of my process. Yeah. I'm like that too. I love when people can, I really believe that's why certain people can be successful too, because you're not.

afraid of like failing or well what's going to happen someone's going to be rude to me okay next right what do you want me do cry about it maybe i will cry about it and then i'll wipe my tears up i'm like i'm in kentucky and i planned out really the thing is i never leave i rarely leave my house yeah i'm always home so when i get a chance to actually go somewhere i'm so excited because i get to plan out cute little outfits unfortunately none of my outfits came on time which was so funny but then uh i was lucky enough where house of cb sent me loads of clothes so it worked out. In the end, in a weird way, because I didn't fully plan it, kind of, kind of worked out.

And I had such a wonderful weekend. And when I was in high school, I used to get social anxiety. So then because I'm so Russian and I'm so hard on myself, I one day sat and I said, okay, Violetta, it's time for you to get over it. So now what are we going to do? I force myself to start going to parties in high school by myself in order to force myself to socialize. So since high school, I've worked on this.

thing where I have to talk to people in parties, including being rejected. Just take it. So that's where the habit comes from. And to be fair, my mom and I've talked about it, I have more fun when I go somewhere by myself than I do with people because then people depend on you and all that. And I remember in university, my friends always had to go out with me in threes where it's two of us, there's two other girls with me. Yeah.

Because they used to always say that if I drank enough, I would ditch them because it became a habit for me to just be independent, just like jump from one group to another. Yeah, that's more fun. I don't like people depend on me. Yeah, I get that. I think that's so fair. I'm kind of, like, I love doing things by myself. I go to movies by myself. I love going for dinner by myself. Are you okay? No. No? Yeah. I just love, and I love being alone. Like, it's like a, it's a thing. But so you went, so Derby. Yeah, we ran into each other was the second day. Yeah, it was. I think so.

Yeah, the second day. Okay, yeah. And it was just the most, like, random group of people that everyone was so lovely. And then I was listening to your confession corner. What is it? Why don't, is that what it is? Yes. I rarely talk about my own life.

And my listeners have asked me sometimes to be more open about it. One thing I never discussed is my dating life. I try to keep as secret as possible. But I did blur some things out on my confession corner, Kentucky Derby. but I feel like I tried to trick people by obviously you were there so you know exactly what was going on I was wondering that because you're like

there's no photos of them and I'm like is there are you tricking people yeah yeah you got me well because also I didn't I don't like telling I don't like sharing too much information obviously I spoke to the guys listened to it within two seconds yeah so they both had no problem me mentioning them

and that one of the guys was like Yeah, you can totally be open about it and talk about us while, and I was like, so did you? No. Oh, can we? Yeah, sure. So it was definitely a young gravy. Who, by the way, is the nicest guy.

Yeah. Yeah, he's really nice. And does he have a nice dick? Okay, here's the thing. Here's the funny thing is that I, I think it's really funny how if you see two people connect or they're flirting or whatever, people now just assume everyone just everyone. I know you don't. I don't have sex with anyone. You haven't since like 2021. Yes. Yeah. Exactly. I haven't had sex since the end of December of, uh, since beginning of December

2021. So you just make out or do you do like, I make out. I can do other things with these guys with gravy, Matthew Matt. Yeah. I, we literally, we did not take any further. Yeah. I like you. I like flirting with guys. I like them pursuing me. That's what I enjoy. I like to, I take, I like to bring that romance. romance to myself where I just can enjoy different guys and then that's how I can figure out who I'm dating for me personally is better for my mental health I why would I sleep with someone knowing they're sleeping with five other girls like how would that be good for me for my mental health it doesn't make me feel good so are you able to just like now now if he was hooking up with another girl that wouldn't bother you because I know I wouldn't give a shit oh I wouldn't ask

and I wouldn't care, but I believe that women set the standards and men follow. I haven't had an issue with anyone that I've dated or talked to with my boundaries where they were like, I'm not interested. I say right off the bat and they continue to pursue me. I would too, though. I feel like that's part of your charm. I mean, it was obvious. Obviously, you were around me and Matt.

Yeah. So it's not like I could hide it from you. Yeah. You were there and then we all went home together. We went home together because I didn't want to make it awkward with the other guy because I was technically talking to someone else. And then the next day I saw Matt. And when I liked about Matt, which I think is what I like about a man in general is when

they're very full force pursuing me. It makes me feel good. And Matt was like this little tall bird just hovering over me wherever I went. And that was really flattering. And he's like a really cool, chill guy. I mean, 10-10-10 I recommend every girl should go out with him. He, I was so impressed with him. He was so kind.

I mean, you guys loved him. I couldn't get over how nice he was. Like, I don't know why I always assume people are going to be dicks. Do you know you're famous? No. Okay. Because you should know that. I really don't.

You really, you are. So that's so funny when you're like, he's so crazy. I'm like, famous people are so nice. It's like, bitch, you're. famous are you joking i truly don't think i am i think i'm just like i was on a reality show once so it's like i'm recognizable i mean i'm a small little franchise you're part of a small little franchise no one ever heard of but like what's a big deal you're so funny so now that other guy now he knows yeah oh and does he care or he just knows it was like a casual thing you know i think

i think is he a football player no i wish oh my god some of the football players were so hot. I was like, I'm, I didn't, it was just too hard. I'm not a player. Yeah. I'm a flirt. Yeah. I'm not player. So I, there was only so many people I could flirt with. I mean, plus when there's like a big bird hovering over you, you can't relate. There's not much. He literally is a big bird. I know. He's so sweet. Do you guys still talk? Um, yeah. Oh, okay. You should have him on your podcast. I should. Yeah, I should. That would be a really great guest. Yeah. I don't know if he's talking. What's going on? I think I have a tendency, A, going for younger guys, which is not the best. He's also not the only guy that I blurt out to you when I was drunk that I had a makeout session with.

Another guy who's been on your podcast that I blurt out. Who? What? No, I didn't. Wait, what? Tell me. Who? I forgot. So you liar! I think I have a hard time with actually going after younger guys sometimes.

And I think it's because I know I'm not going to date them seriously. So would you, do you want to date someone seriously? Are you just like looking or because I know you love to flirt and you love to just have different. Are you looking for a serious relationship or no? I say that I am, but my actions to me, sometimes if I was my own therapist, I would say my actions don't align with my words. And I think it's because I had a serious boyfriend. most of my 20s, I neglect sometimes to mention that where I had a boyfriend for eight years. Eight years?

Yeah. Oh, wow. And before that, I had other boyfriends. So I had three serious boyfriends in my 20s, one of them, the main one. Yeah. And it was a very toxic relationship on both of our ends. Yeah. And I think only my late 20s was I suddenly single.

And then I wasn't dating because I was trying to understand what's healthy, what's not. Because I used to think, like, after we ended our relationship, my late 20s, I used to think that starting a fight for fun is foreplay. So I like start dating someone and I create a fight just for fun. I'm thinking like, oh, we're this is we're going to fucking. The guy's like, never speak to me again. I'm like, wait, I'm confused. I thought we were

role playing. What's happening? Yeah, I thought this was flirting. Because that's what I was used to. So I had to unlearn that behavior. I had to learn more about myself. And then in my early 30s, which is where I'm at now is when I finally started dating for the first time and I got to have fun and to experience. I mean, because when I was dating my boyfriend, one of us was faithful.

The other one got to date around and got to find out what they liked. I wasn't that person. So I never had a chance. So I think in a weird way, I'm almost reliving my 20s or it's just this thing where, as much as I want to be serious,

I'm so focused on work that I just look at dating as fun. And I'm not sleeping with any of these guys. So also it's not a big deal, but I don't love the fact that somehow right now it's like back to back I've gone for 27-year-olds. It's a little too young for me, not going to lie. Yeah. But overall, all these guys are so nice and I can't even think of anything about to say by any of them.

Which is amazing because obviously if you're in toxic relationships and you have these, you know, this relationship with your dad that was a certain way, it's so great that you can go for nice guys now. Would I consider nice guys? I don't know if everyone I they haven't had a chance to screw me over right so that's or maybe I'm just not attached to them enough to to look at them in a bad light I rather blame myself when things don't work out than other people so I always think as if like well like with first of all I think there should be a point where there's only a certain amounts of mats that you're allowed to go for yeah like I think there should be a threshold yeah you can't keep dating mats like there's only so many mats you can go for now I remember who you told me about so

So, you know, but then I'll always be like, oh, he was upset with how I react over things. So maybe it was me or maybe with this guy, maybe I rushed into reacting over things too quickly, blah, blah. So I rather just blame myself when I, because I am always the one ending things with everyone, but I rather blame myself over it versus be like, well, it's clear that that person wasn't putting enough effort and that's why I backed away. Wait, I saw a podcast clip where Matt Rife said that he. He thought this girl was the one. And then he did something stupid. And this girl, like, he's like, I f***ed up. But then her reaction was more fucked up.

I think it's weird when people say stuff like that. I was like, bro. It's more like, I f***ed up. And then I didn't like the fact that she reacted to the, I didn't like the consequences. So that upsets me. I mean, if I knew the guy, I would say that sounds about, that sounds like him for sure. Sure. I just found that so interesting. I read the comments and I was losing it reading the comments because I was like, oh, I know exactly what all these comments are going to be. And it was exactly that. It was like, so that's like the definition of gaslighting. Like you didn't acknowledge what you did to hurt somebody, but you made them feel crazy for their reaction. Yeah, that sounds like about right. But that sounds like a Virgo. I feel like he's such a Virgo.

And does, okay, he told me this on the podcast, he hates when people talk about their signs. Yeah. Why? I don't know. I mean, it's just a guy thing, but I, I don't know. I don't, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I don't really, I would say, I would say it's funny. I'm not going to lie, it's funny. Every time he speaks on a podcast, it, it, it just.

doesn't work out every time and he knows it's like he knows it too because he says it and then he goes oh and now I'm going to get canceled for this but here's the difference between I would say Matt rife and I if I knew him even a little bit I would say that I react really quickly and get over things really fast and he's opposite of me in a sense where he's very lay back lay back lay back and then when something finally irritates him and he reacts like he will hold it against you forever Yeah. I think. Yeah.

If you were to guess. Yeah. If I were to guess, I would say that's how he is. I would say between all the mats that I've ever kissed, my favorite. I would say, yeah, definitely, now I feel like I'm being, I feel like I don't know what's going on. I think my sedation is still on because I'm about to just like make sure every girl has sex with gravy. I'm like, 10 out, I think everyone should make out with young gravy. He's wonderful.

He's great. I do. He's just a really nice guy. I think I just kind of feel bad about the last thing I said to him. What was this? I don't remember. But he's a really cool guy. You are so mysterious. I love it. I'm like, am I that mysterious? I feel like I can't. You are. You are. Do you like keeping relationships private just for their sake or for yours or why? I just think it's, I just think I'm such a control freak that are. already on my, it's very important for me to be in control of my life in general, hence why I'm even withhold sex in some ways, because I'm able to feel like I'm in control. Yeah. And I think when it comes to relationship, it's like the one little thing that I have that's mine and I don't share with the world. Yeah. And I like that. So yeah, I like to be vague. I mean, right now,

I've said more on this podcast than I've ever have, including on my own podcast. And I didn't even feed you wine. I know. It's just, it's just the percocet that I'm on. No big deal. But like, except that, I just, so it's not really for them as much as it is for me, just for us to have a little thing. Plus, it's not, it's just, it's not fun. Especially with women, there's also all the stigma because that, I mean, look at Taylor Swift. She can't date. She dates three people and people are like, wow, look at this hoe. Versus if a guy dated, like Pete Davidson, he's such a hero. Oh, I know. I hate that double standard. It's such a thing. Like, say, I always, I kind of respect Kim Kardashian for like all of her relationships because

she's like, she's still like a hopeless romantic and she still believes and she's in her 40s and she's actually speaking of that, you froze your eggs. Yes, I froze my eggs. Okay. So did I. Oh, okay. When? I did it five years ago, six years ago now.

And it was the best decision I ever made for myself. Tell me what, were you like, I want kids one day. day and or I don't know I think I felt the pressure where again I not that my 20s were stolen for me in any type of way but it was this pressure where I don't feel ready for any of these things that I'm supposed that I feel that I'm supposed to be ready for and it's conflicting for me because I finally because I was I was born with a birth defect since I have I'm vitamin D deficient and I don't have enamel on my teeth. So aside from the fact that all my teeth are naturally very yellow, when you regular, when regular people get cavities, I will get, I will just

need immediately root canal because there's nothing protecting my teeth. And I will have gum issues from that as well because there's nothing in my mouth that's protecting anything. Wow. So, and I used to get bullied for it. And then when I was five, I got veneers. Yeah. So five years old, I have veneers. Oh, wow. Veneers. Yeah. So I have veneers before I was trendy and cool and rich thing to do. It was insurance pays half because it's a medical issue and the rest of my parents will pay. But it was never the type of rich people veneers. Those are different. Those you can't cover by insurance.

Oh, okay. So I would have capsules, lumineers, veneers, whatever other words, bondings, everything on my teeth. And because of my issue, I also had to change it more often than other people because the yellow that's in the back of my teeth shines through to the front. So I could have like dotting that's yellow on it and lines. And definitely I did not have self-confidence when it came to my looks. And it didn't really matter how tall I was or how fast my booze were growing at 13 years old. So imagine going through that plus also moving to the States when I'm 14. So I have to learn a new language as well.

You moved when you were 14. Yeah. Yeah. From Israel. What? I didn't know that. Yeah. Wow.

So it's a lot. It's a lot. So I was more, I was very. I, to myself, when it came to boys, my first kiss was a 17. I finally lost my virginity to my first boyfriend at 18. And then I stuck to one guy because obviously had a lot of traits similar to my father because my father and I didn't have a good relationship. And it was just, it's your brain recreating your relationship with one of your parents

hoping that this time will be different. So if I dated a guy that was emotionally unavailable because my dad was emotionally unavailable and my, psychologically, I was hoping this time, this person could love me. Yeah. Yeah. And obviously. Break the cycle. And the cycle has to start with yourself.

Right. Blah, blah, blah. Cry me a river. I know. But the point is, when I was anonymous, I still had my type of veneers. And I've always felt insecure about it and not pretty. And then I finally got veneers in my mid-20s, the celebrity veneers, the ones that cost like $40,000, $50,000 to do.

But I forget, like 2,000 something a tooth. Yeah. Even though I got a really good deal with my dentist, Dr. Daniel Nissan and Beverly Hills, I still have to pay a good amount of money that I earned. And then I was ready to reveal myself to show who I was. And I remember it was the first time I looked in the mirror in my mid-20s and I was like, oh my God, I'm beautiful. It was the first time I felt confident with smiling and the first time I felt good about myself.

Yeah. Which is so silly because your utter. beauty will never be enough and obviously took me six months a year to learn that when I looked at myself again to me and I said well what if my eyes were a little like this what if my nose was this and then you're like oh I have to learn to love myself from the inside yes but what I mean is that I've been on that journey for a long time I've only had a couple a few years where I finally felt good about myself and then suddenly I'm supposed to just jump into the having the babies and all that got someone that was cheating on me most of my 20s

I never really talked to boys because I always thought I was, it was, I remember growing up, it was the thought of, I was so scared to kiss boys because I thought, what if they kissed me? And then they find out what's wrong in my teeth? And I'd be like, ew, you let me kiss you with that mouth? That's so gross. I know, and I know, like, looking back now, it sounds so silly. But as a child, that's how I felt because I felt that I would need to explain to them what's

wrong with my teeth. And then what have they thought it's contagious? I don't know. So I just felt so disgusting with myself that I just stayed away from boys. When boys in reality, they were like, double Ds. What are those? You know? She has a mouth? I didn't even see that. I have to worry about my mouth because I am negative A. Yeah. Yeah, I wish I had big boobs. Actually, I love my small boobs, but I go through phases where, like, you were just saying, or you look at the mirror and you do, I do it. I can quickly get myself out of it now, but I will still do that. I'll be like, well, maybe my boobs should be bigger. And then I'm like, well, maybe I should get a little more filler in my lips.

Like, I just go. And then I'm like, okay, shut up, slap myself in the face. Yeah, because there'll never be enough. It has to start inside. I'll find something else. So I find that when I'm in a bad point. place in my life like if I'm unhappy or I'll focus on my looks like there's things people do where like if you are control you like control over it yeah and mine is my look some people will do it with

like cleaning the house or like putting like things have to be a certain way where I hyper focus on my appearance and so I now realize when I'm doing it I'm like wait what else is going on inside of me good yeah when I got off birth control I have PCOS yeah which I didn't realize that I have Oh, my God, do you have male pattern hair growth like me? No, I have estrogen. Oh. I have too much. Okay.

So mine has too high estrogen. And when the doctor told me, I said, oh, so does that mean I'm extra feminine and I'm attracting all the men? Say less. And he was like, no, it means you're gaining a lot of weight. Oh, shit. Yeah. And you're going to be highly emotional.

And I was like, okay, that's not what I thought of when you were like, damn. Okay. Not where I was going with us. So, yeah. So I have the estrogen part where. So when I got off of birth control for the first time since I was 17, only last year, I gained 10 to 15 pounds while remaining eating the same. Nothing changed. And it started to make me feel really bad about myself.

And that's all I would think about. And I stopped even going out because I would make plans with someone. Then I put on clothes and I just hate everything the way it looks at me. And then I just feel bad about myself and I stay home. And I know to anyone out there listening, it sounds shallow. But like, you're not always going to have third world. problems. Right. Sometimes you're going to have first world problems and sometimes we just feel like shit about ourselves regardless of what other people see. And if you hate the way you look, then no one else

can tell you otherwise. Right. Okay, Angie is your home for everything home and they've made it easier than ever to connect with skilled professionals to get all your home projects done well. Now, if you own a home, you know how much work it can take. It's a lot. I always say it's an ongoing project and whether it's everyday maintenance and repairs or making dream projects a reality, it can be hard just to know where to start. But now all you need to do is Angie that and find a skilled local pro who will deliver the quality and expertise you need. So easy. Angie has over 20 years of home service experience and they've combined this experience with new tools to simplify the whole process. Bring them your project online or with the Angie app. Answer a few questions and

Angie can handle the rest. So from start to finish or help you compare quotes from multiple pros and connect instantly. Which means you can take care of just about any home project and just a few taps because when it comes to getting the most out of your home, you can do this when you Angie that. Download the free Angie mobile app today or visit Angie.com. That's A-N-G-I-com. How did you get so self-aware and like, have you done? Reading. Because, like, you're very self-aware, but you're also, like, you know what it is. you can recognize within yourself. Well, it's easier.

I can't. And that's what I try to do in my podcast as well. I never, I even had a narcissist episode. And it was, the wording was narcissists. And it was to trick my listeners into being like, yeah, finally, everyone's a narcissist. And it literally was about actually only 1% of people in the world have actual narcissistic personality disorder who are diet. Because we throw that word around so often.

Like it's nothing. Yeah. So it was to. show that some people have high tendencies, narcissistic tendencies, which, by the way, because we are in social media world, we all have those tendencies. I was going to say I probably have tendencies. Well, in entertainment, we have to think of ourselves all the time. So we have a heart, but it just, it varies. So I thought, so the whole episode is being about the fact that you can't control what other people, how other people treat you, but you can only control

yourself. So if you're saying everyone I date is a narcissist or a cheater, you can't change them but let's look within why are you only drawn to those type of people how can we work on ourselves so my self-awareness comes from where I can't I don't know why people do what they do yeah and I've I've given up on trying to understand I do my best to understand but I can't hold when I hold things against other people that's only the it's like I'm carrying a backpack and I just keep putting rocks in the backpack and it just gets my back it just gets heavier and heavier and they're never going to care yeah i can't make someone give a shit about me if they don't want to but i can figure out why i need so much of their validation and i can work on

myself and i can free myself from those things so that's what's important for me to be self-aware because i can only change myself right i love and you and so you just do a lot of research on it you read i read i self-reflect i only have one life and that is why i genuinely do i mean i also have no social cues which now i understand i'm so thankful for that where I can't tell sometimes how people feel about me. Really? Yeah. I either ignore it or I genuinely can't tell.

Like when I was an accountant and you get reviewed about your work every three, six months, and you also get reviewed about your personality. Wow. So in my personality review, it would be like, Violetta, A, Violetta's too sarcastic. She doesn't know when to stop. But also, Violetta doesn't know when to leave the room. Violetta doesn't know when to leave the conversation. Because I literally just, the conversation would end,

and I'm not, I don't process it. So I'm just still standing there like, oh, that's, why that's so cute? You can go now and be like, oh, okay. You know? Or like I would say things, let's say we, a manager was, a manager was saying something, but I could feel something else. And I would just verbally say, no, you're lying.

That's not true. That's not what you mean. You're saying something differently. And I would think it's so normal because I'm just saying exactly what I'm thinking. People would be like, what? That's not correct. You're not allowed to say that. be like, I'm confused, but that's what's happening.

So then I took my weaknesses, whether it was the lack of love for my father growing up or my lack of social cues, whatever it is, and I became curious about it. And that's why I do so much research. I want to better understand. And I think it's so easy to attach little things about ourselves to define ourselves, but I don't like that. I don't think my daddy issues define me. I don't think my lack of social cues define me.

I don't think having ADHD defines me. I don't think my birth defect defines me. We're so many different things and you're allowed to change every single day. So I don't like when we attach little things to other people. Like, for example, when you say someone's a narcissist, then you're giving them too much credit because then you're telling yourself that they couldn't help themselves but treat you like shit because they're a narcissist. Because narcissists, a real one, has lack of empathy.

Yeah. Versus admitting to yourself that that person's actually choosing to be a dick to you. They're choosing to be an asshole. They're choosing not to care about you, which is so much worse. So I'd rather not put labels on people and just take you a face value. They're just a shitty person. Let's talk about shitty people. Yeah.

Reddit. Because you read people's confessions on Reddit sometimes on your podcast. And then I got wondering, do you ever read what people say about you on Reddit? I have and I regret it. Yeah. Because then I'm like, I saw this video. Actually, let me just play it for you quickly because it's quick. Is that about me?

No. Oh, thank God. I was like, I don't know. Could you imagine? I just pull up a video of like people. No, it's this. And I want people to hear it too because I love it. You can walk up to you and say, what do you say?

I don't know. Yeah. Would you be affected by it? Say I go on a full rant. Like, do you see this guy's blue hair? What shitty blue hair. You lose her with your blue hair? You're not going to be affected.

You're like, um, I don't have, um, blue hair. That's what happens when you let go. Someone could say you suck. They could disapprove. You're not good enough. It would affect you the same as, well, I am good enough. Why? I don't have blue hair.

And I love that. So I try and think about that with trolls because I'm like, I know I'm not a shitty person. I know I'm not a fucking loser for not being married yet because I've been engaged for two years. And you can sit there on Reddit and like do a whole thread about what a loser I am because of that. And I'm like, but I know I'm not. People only affect you. Words can only hurt you. when you believe there's a little bit of meaning to it.

Totally. And that's a truth, including when you, people sometimes, most of the time I don't get upset if someone shit talks me. Yeah. Talks shit about me. And I don't get upset. And most of the time is because I know that's not true. But I think when you take offense, a lot of things, whether you want to admit it or

not, it's because a part of you believes it a little bit. But when I'm having a, but I'm also not the saint or angel, when I'm having a bad day, it's this weird thing. When you're feeling down, you're like, how can I know? knock myself even lower and that's when I open Reddit and then they get to validate because I feel like shit about myself and I need a validation that I am shit. So that's when I've opened Reddit and I read there's this one Reddit chat where I did someone's podcast and they edited poorly.

Oh no. It's fine. I got over it. But, you know, I was already having a bad week and I was already stressed and then of course I opened the Reddit chat and it was just hate comment after hate comment after hate comment and you know it got to me and I got really upset and then I went off on one of the the from the podcast, blaming them for that. And I said, how could you not have my back?

You guys are making me look so bad. I'm not going to promote that podcast, blah, blah. And I went off on him because I need an outlet now. Like, they made me angry. Now I'm angry. I need an outlet to go angry. The poor guy didn't do anything wrong. He's just the host.

He's not editing in the podcast just because I'm my own podcast producer. Like, I knew it wasn't his fault. I just didn't want to go off on the girl. So I just went off on him. The poor guy ruined his day. And it was all because some hateful comments of people who don't know me. But I was like, why couldn't they give me a chance? They're so wrong because they were calling me vap and all these things.

And it was like I couldn't win with them. But they, and I'm like, it was because I felt bad about myself and I needed the validation that I am shit. And they got to validate that for me. Did you used to be a piece of shit? Oh, yeah. Slick back hair, white bathing suit, sloppy steaks, white couch. You would have not liked me back then. We call that on this podcast shopping for pain when you like.

feel like you're already down on yourself, you're like, then you go looking for it to validate. I do the exact same thing. And so now I've had to, you know, do a lot of work around that where if I'm having a bad day, and like I said, if I'm in a bad place, I start picking apart my looks, then I'll see something like I went to the Sports Illustrated party and I'm like with the like 0.01% of like the most perfect looking human beings. And then I did a video on the red carpet and they post it. And I'm like, I know.

I hate what I look like in this video. I think I'm disgusting. I started going off. And I went to go read the comments because I knew all the comments were going to be like, whoa, she looks old or she looks rough. And I immediately was like, you're shopping, Caitlin. You're shopping. Don't go shopping.

One time I actually got in some random love triangle with, I forgot the guy's name, Tyler, or something from one of the bachelors. Oh, Tyler Cameron? Yeah. And which wasn't the case at all. but they put me in a love triangle with him, Gigi Hadid and Hannah. And then they put the ugliest photo of me and I was like, don't do it, don't do it. And of course, I opened red and everyone's like, how do you go from that to her?

Oh, I hate it. And I was like, Mom, they're so mean. My mom was like, Violetta. Gigi Hadid never went to college like you. You're so smart, okay? They don't have your degrees. You have two degrees, Violetta. Why is no one talking about that?

I was like, Mom, because they're bashing my looks. They're not talking. Because the internet doesn't go any deeper than what people look like. Like, it's always about that. They don't care about my degrees, Mom. No, they don't give a shit about your degrees. Which, by the way, it's in business law and accounting. That's, you're smart. I would, I barely graduated.

I would hope so. I barely graduated high school. And you're doing just fine. And I'm doing that. But I understand about looks. It is, it is harder, though, when you are in the public eye because as much as it's, it's confusing. Because if you post, first of all, I think you're so beautiful.

Thank you. And there's so often where I watch your videos and I always was like, wow, she's so carefree, allows she dances, she's so confident. So obviously to me, I always looked up to how confident and beautiful you are. Which I am 90% of the time. It's like 10% I'll just go, but the internet, it is hard, especially in my opinion with women, how not only do men now love to knock women down because you're not having sex with me. So you're not allowed to breathe air or show even a shoulder to other men because you don't want to show it to me. But it's also women knock each other down.

I mean, as much as we act like we don't, in reality, looking back at tabloids with celebrities when you used to see those tabloids with a cellulite about every woman, who was buying the tabloids, other women? So then we pretend as if we're not the problem, we say, we need to stop tearing women down. We need to cancel these tabloids. You guys, we were the ones buying the tabloids all the time. Because it made us feel better that another woman has cellular like every other human

being yeah so in my opinion it is hard now with social media because if you're confident you can't be too confident because you're going to get knocked down for being too confident okay wow get oh you love yourself okay get over yourself narcissistic much yeah and then you post you'll be like hey guys I'm having a bad day oh my god attention shut up get over it first world problems it's like you can't win well it cannot win why are you crying you're so pretty well because you told me to cry yeah you told me to which one is it I know it's so it's such a confusing place And it's like, and you have to care a little bit about your audience because they're your community, but then you also have to have boundaries because people are assholes. Yeah. But that's what you can't. I don't base my worth. I do my best. Not base my worth on my looks. Of course, I still want to feel good in my skin and it's important for me. But my worth has nothing to do with my looks. And I think that's why I'm able to, A, be flirty with boys. Boys. Be flirty with guys. Well, boys because they're 27.

Yeah. They are boys. Be flirty with guys and kind of set my boundaries. And, you know, I get to have, because everyone says romance is dead. I only think it's because you're asking the wrong guys. And my, like, everyone I've been around, they're very romantic with me. I've never had an issue with any of the guys I've ever talked to taking me out on dates. Yeah. Because I let them know, I want you to take me out. And they take me out.

Yeah. And I don't suck their dick at the end of the day. Because I don't feel like it. Maybe if I did, I would do it, but I don't feel like it. I was, I was looking at what other notes I had just to make sure I covered everything. and I was going to ask you a question like if we got to this game where it was like what was the weirdest thing you ever put in your mouth and I then I started to think about it I ate dog food once which is pretty gross and probably the weirdest thing I ever put

my mouth to yourself oh um if you could edit that out but then I was thinking about how weird it is to suck a dick it is so I think about that all the time at what period of time the people were having regular vanilla sex, and then one day the guy was like, hey, put it in your mouth. I want to try something. Okay, okay, this is so crazy, but like, should we test this out? What if you're, the way you're eating that soup and the way you're opening, the way you're eating that banana, what if that was my dick?

Let's try this out. Like, how? I don't know. It's the same thing I think about with, like, who wanted to try cow's milk for the first like, who was doing that and going, we should drink this? I actually My sister just gave birth To her third kid

And when she was breastfeeding Her son Two days ago I was like Would you have taste your own milk? And she was like Yeah and I was like Would it be weird if I said I would love to try it too

I tried my sister's breast milk Really? Okay Because I would really want to try it You should Okay cool But why are we the only species That drinks other animals

Milk like But the thought of drinking our own is like oh god that's so true yeah that is true and i always this is the shit that goes on in my my god do you know what i have the worst intrusive thought the worst every time it's so embarrassing when i'm at the airport and i see an old man walking with a cane my first thought is what if i just like went like this with my leg and just flipped like just just tap the little cane and saw the guy fall and that's my first thought that comes in my brain and i start to giggle and then I just look away because I'm like mortified but that's every time I see an old

person with the cane my first thought is wanting to kick the cane that how sad is that it's actually quite hilarious and sad at the same time not it's because I've never had a grandpa so I just I guess I just don't know how to be with one oh my god I have the worst intrusive thoughts I couldn't even say them out loud you'd be like again you'd be like keep that to yourself I have the worst Yeah. Like my brain goes to doomsday. I go really fucked up things. And I think that's where my anxiety comes from because I'm like, why am I thinking like this?

It is the funniest when you're sitting with someone. You're like, should we just share each other's intrusive thoughts? And then you're ready to share in your friends like, sometimes like I don't shower for like two days. And then you're just like, okay, I'm going to keep me wanting to trip old men down the stairs to myself then. Never mind. And you're like, yeah. Oh my God. Yeah.

And they're like, that's crazy. I literally can't say mine out loud. Then I also don't want to put in other people's heads where if, because a lot of people suffer from intrusive thoughts and things that they would suffer. I think it's fun. I don't think it's a suffering. Because you're just thinking about tripping old men. I'm thinking about like, what if I like pick up this knife and what if I all of a sudden

like freak out and like just stab myself? But everyone thinks like that. When I'm on the freeway, I've always, I've had in the moment that I was like, dude, I could just literally crash my car. car right now? I know. What if I just went into a wall? And then I one time told him my friend, she said, I think about the whole of the time too. Oh, okay. Well, then I go there. We probably just don't say them out loud. No. And then I asked my sister, do you ever think about just crashing into other people's cars? And she goes, I actually thought about what if one time

I just picked a random person that was driving in the freeway and I follow them just to see what they're up to for the day? And what if I picked like a fun little trip and then they end up having like a really interesting life and like, I don't know where I'm going to end up. Like, what if I just took the day off and I just followed someone? We ended up doing something fun. Well, that's a cute, intrusive thought. That's true. I suffer. Imagine someone following you.

How cute would that be? Not. You're like, okay, I'm turning into my house now. It's actually one of my fears because one of my friends did get followed once. It was my sister. Yeah, because they were quite lovely. Okay, I feel like that was kind of a confession. No, I have a confession.

Okay, good, because that's how we're going to end the pod today. Okay, I do have a confession. That's a secret. it's embarrassing. Okay, great. Well, I don't know how embarrassing. I don't know people have different. Okay.

I have, my confession is that I'm a big, I'm really into smelling things. Like, I love a good cologne and a man. That's very important for me. Yeah. But I have this weird obsession with smelling things. Yeah. That has to do with my childhood, because everything goes back to your childhood. But I love the smell of sweat.

Oh. So, because I have a problem actually sweating. I think I'm constantly just dehydrated. So, but if you take Adderal, Sometimes with your otterol, I don't know how to explain it. You'll get a special type of sweating. Like, you'll actually sweat if you move too much. And I get so excited when I'm finally sweating.

And then I'll just be like... And I love to smell myself. And then I actually love smelling sweat of the people that I date. Like, I love their B.O. And, like, I would want to sniff their, like, arm fit. And it's so embarrassing and gross that I love B.O. And it all goes back to when I was growing up, my dad wasn't around. he would sail a lot.

So he would be away for three months back home for one month. So during my first 13, 14 years living with him where he wasn't, he was only around for four months of the year, I didn't really get to know him. But when my dad would be around, his love language growing up was access, was the access service, which is, you know, the love language, your love language as an adult is a love language he didn't get as a child. meaning his father didn't was his father was a drunk who didn't who wasn't there so my dad love language became acts of service my love language as an adult is words of reformation

and touch because it's two things I didn't get to have as a child but anyway that's for another time but anyway so when my dad would be home for that month he would fix everything that was a way to show love he wouldn't really talk to me but you fix everything yeah and my dad is allergic to most deodorants and colognes and all that so you could smell his be-o and And that was the only way I could remember my dad, where I would walk into a room and I smelled his B.O. And it was a way to attach love to that smell because I'm like, dad's home. And it like made me feel love. So now as an adult, I like the smell of V.O because it somehow attaches to love.

I mean, at first I was like judging you a bit, but now I just want to give you a hug. Yeah, so I like a good B.O. and a guy. Oh, my God. I kind of get that part because when you, like, actually. you're so attracted to somebody, I feel like, it's kind of the same thing as like men are attracted to pheromones, like that come out of the top of your head. Really? Yes. And I feel like that's kind of similar, maybe.

I don't know. I don't know, but at least it doesn't bother me. I could get grossed out, but no, it doesn't bother me. In fact, it turns out on. I encourage it. Yeah. That's amazing. We could just be sweating together.

I'm just like, you're like a little dot. Ah! Mmm. Hold of the sense. That's so funny. Well, now I'm not going to be insecure. about how I smell today. No. Oh, because I didn't shower. Perfect. In fact, I, so my confession is not that great, but I went out the other night and I ate so much Italian food. Like,

overdid it, felt sick, continued to drink, got home and ordered McDonald's, ate so much McDonald's before I went to bed, middle of the night I wake up, I'm so thirsty, and I got hungry, ate fries out of the bag in the middle of the night and chugged a diet Dr. Pepper. Wait, that is so funny. I had, I woke up in the middle of the night and had cold fries. I had cheese on it and drank a Mexican Coke. Oh my God, twins. We're the same.

Yeah. And then I felt really sick. Yeah, it didn't. I mean, the next day I was like, not only do I physically feel ill, but I'm also judging myself for like like where does that go how did i eat that much food well it comes out well it didn't hasn't oh okay it's gonna be a good one of it does okay i'm out of here thank you so much for coming on the pod tell everyone where they can listen to your podcast find you all the goods did perfect so a please tell her to come on my podcast i'm going to okay cool you can find my podcast

almost adulting it's on every tuesday and thursday fun short episodes on tuesdays and then more serious episodes on Thursdays, loads of solo episodes. You can find it on Spotify, Apple, and actually YouTube now as well. Nice. And you can find me at Vyla Benson on Instagram and at Daddy issues underscore on my meme page. It's so funny. Oh, thank you so much. You're a real one.

I like it. Thank you. Thanks for having me. Bye. Tootles. I'm Caitlin Bristow. I'll see you next Tuesday. Be your next Tuesday.

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