Off The Vine with Kaitlyn Bristowe - Whitney Cummings | How Trauma Privilege and Pregnancy at 40 Influence Her Comedy!

Episode Date: November 19, 2024

#790. Whitney Cummings grabs the mic, and trust us—you’re not ready for how raw, real, and ridiculously funny she gets. She opens up about her solo pregnancy journey, the unexpected perks, and how her new baby selfies somehow became a turn-on for men (yes, really). Whitney also dishes out no-nonsense advice on freezing your eggs (hint: ditch the purses and ask for this instead) and shares her approach to making healthier choices without becoming a full-blown wellness robot. And the chaos doesn’t stop there—Kaitlyn and Whitney bond over food trust issues (broccoli, we’re looking at you) and Whitney’s story about that one time she dated a girl in LA. Packed with laugh-out-loud moments and Whitney’s signature savage wisdom, this episode will have you hitting replay! If you’re LOVING this podcast, please follow and leave a rating and review below! PLUS, FOLLOW OUR PODCAST INSTAGRAM HERE! Thank you to our Sponsors! Check out these deals! Every Plate: Get affordable dinners for just $5.99 per serving, PLUS 50% off your first box by going to EveryPlate.com/PODCAST and entering code vine599. Macy’s: Head to Macys.com for Macy’s Black Friday event that runs from November 24th to November 30th! Progressive: Quote at Progressive.com to join the over 28 million drivers who trust Progressive. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Okay, let's talk about the original enemies to lovers story. Before all of our reality TV couples, before the rom-coms, we binge, there was Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy in pride and prejudice. And Audible has just dropped a brand new original that will have you completely hooked, I am. It's not just any audiobook. This is a full cast performance. So Marisa Abella, you might know her from industry, brings Elizabeth Bennett to life.

And Harris Dickinson from Baby Girl and Where the Crawdads sing is Mr. Darcy. And honestly, the chemistry, you guys, it's everything. Plus, you've got icons like Glenn Close, Bill Nye and Will Polter in the mix. Talk about a dream cast. Now, what I love is how Marissa pulls you right into Lizzie's world, her stubbornness, her wit, her messy family dynamics, and of course, her complicated feelings for Darcy. And with a vibrant new adaptation and original score by Grammy-nominated composer, it just feels so fresh and modern while still keeping that timeless Jane Austen charm.

So whether it's your first time experiencing Pride and Prejudice or you've read it a million times, you're going to fall absolutely in love all over again. So go listen to Pride and Prejudice now at audible.ca slash Jane Austen. Off the Vine. Hey everybody, welcome to Off the Vine. I'm your host, Caitlin Brissau, and today she needs no introduction, the one, the only the icon, the legend. Whitney Cummins is on the podcast. podcast today. I have looked up to her as a comedian, as a human. I think she's hilarious and she was even better in person. And I know that you're going to giggle your way through this episode

of Off the Vine. We were just talking about Haktua, Haley Welch, and she taught me a lot. You never know where you're going to get your wisdom. You never know who your teachers are going to be sometimes. I always get wisdom in the wildest places. Animals, plants these days, you know, Haktua is like my Dalai Lama she is I think people are fascinated by why she's so fascinating and she's riveting and it's because she doesn't think about what she's going to say before she says it and I don't mean that as a slam she's like incredibly clever and incredibly funny which is you know what she's just a star let's be honest she is just a star she's like so charming effortlessly and I think we're all trying so hard to be charming and interesting

and magnetic and engaging and people are so smart, people that are consuming us. I think you talked about this on an episode recently. Like the fact that we look down on viewers or, you know, television looks down and it's like we think we're getting it past that. We think us being fake is like working. We think they're buying it. They're not buying it. Well, some people are and I think that's the scary part too.

I don't know that. You know, that's interesting. And I'd be curious like some examples because, yeah, I do see some people that are wildly and authentic and really successful. And I'm like, oh, but I'm also fascinated by our willingness to be conned. You're right. And sometimes we want to watch people for the wrong reasons. Oh, a hate watch.

I love a hate watch. Sometimes people that are really successful. I'm like, this person's nuts. I cannot believe this person would be this delusional. This person has no self-awareness, but I keep watching because it makes me feel better about myself, so I'm going to keep watching. But they just think I'm a fan. Yeah, that's welcome to the world of reality television.

That's why we all watch Bachelor, Bachelorette, Real High house-wise, because we all feel better about ourselves watching it. Well, it's like MMA for women. That is what it is. That's true. But it's funny, too, because I can't tell if we're, if I'm just getting older or a society we're shifting, but like the Golden Bachelor and how pure it is, I find people actually really enjoying that because it's like a breath of fresh air these days when people are just

genuinely looking for love. Yeah, that's really interesting. These older people are still, they've still got so much life to live. And they're genuine, they're sincere. they've lived life they don't have time to be inauthentic they just have you ever watched I haven't seen it but I met the golden bachelorette recently and loved her isn't she just a delight she's just a delight but also like you know let's get to that and it's like I want to finish my hot too with it my ass burgers is going to like spiral out of control if I don't finish this

thought but I learned a lot from the fact that like she she really just says what she actually believes and what she actually thinks. And if she doesn't know something, she says, I don't know. Yeah. It's, she's magical, but it's also such a testament to how fake people have become and how calculated and strategic and not, no shade on that. I could probably be, business. I could afford to be a little more calculated and a little more strategic or else I'm just like 2 a.m. like taking down my TikToks. Like, gosh, God damn. And I shouldn't have said that about Tim Walts. Like, I was sorry. You know, so I like, you know, I end up having to clean up a lot of messes. And also, We're, I'm not going to say we're all, but a lot of people who are very famous and have a lot of money drawn on about how much trauma they've had.

Yeah. And their trauma is like their parents got divorced or they like, their dad was in the military, so they moved around a lot. This girl, her mom was literally on crack still. She's a crack baby. And I asked her about it. Or I was like, you know, what does your mom think about your fame? And she was like, you know, she's like, oh, my mom's a crackhead. And I was like, oh, and I laughed, of course.

And she's like, no, no, she's actually on crack. And I'm like, oh, is she okay? And she's like, no, we don't talk. I live with my grandma. Yeah. She just, real trauma survivors don't want to talk about it all day. Well, and she learned so much. She is a grandma.

Like, she is a granny, like 95 southern granny in a little mosquito body. That's funny. And like I feel like she's just so pure because of that, you know? Totally. And there's also something fascinating about someone that didn't try to get famous. It kind of just happened to her because we're all like, okay, I got to go in this talk show. I got to co-s this thing. What's the most, you know, what time do I post on Instagram?

Like, we're trying so hard to get seen for, I mean, probably all the wrong reasons. Let's be honest. My dad's dead. He's never going to give me the love that I wanted. I don't know why I'm still just like, got to get to Caitlin's. Maybe in hell they've got YouTube. I don't know. Maybe they got Spotify in hell.

I mean, they must. Dad, what about now? I made it. And she's just like, it just happened to her. And she's like, this is wild. Yeah. It's like, this is why Chapel Roan, I'm really, like, into her. I'm obsessed.

When they were like, do you want to be in a movie? And she was like, no, actors are weird. I was like, let's go. I love her honesty, too, because she's like, just because I'm this famous singer who's like good at what I do and do these shows doesn't mean you get to disrespect my personal space and like touch me and talk a certain way about me. And she was like, I don't care if people are mad at me for saying that. And everyone's like, oh, she's going to get backlash.

And she's like, I don't give a shit. And also, like, the more honest you are and the more like that backlash, you get, the quicker you find your people. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? I didn't really, I was whatever about Chapel Rhone. And then when she did that, I was like, I like her. She had big, like, Hollywood plant energy. Like, she got famous so fast.

I'm like, who's her uncle? Who's her dad? Like, how did she get all this? And then that's what made me think she was really interesting. I would like to circle back, please, to why and how you stay so authentic to yourself. I'm going to say a couple things. Number one, I think any of the positive attributes that I have are characteristics I had come from a negative thing. You know, I kind of call it like trauma privilege. Like, you know, people are like, why are you so honest? I'm like, well, I grew up and alcoholic home and everyone lied all the time. So I was always like, wait, but no, but no, that's not, hold on. Dad wasn't, didn't pick me up from school today. He said he did. Wait, like you're just in a constant state of like yelling the truth out because everyone's lying and you're so confused as a kid. And you get so sick. of lies. So there's like a Tourette's about it. And when you grow up around alcoholics, drug addicts, again, for alcoholism to be present, alcohol doesn't have to be present. So it can be

gamblers or eating addictions. A lot of, you know, my mom also had like a workaholism that was like decorating and painting, like just anything to get out of her own feelings, eating disorders. Like you have so little time. You have so little of their attention that you have to just get it out really quick, you know? So I ended up talking in this very staccato, like almost like Touretti type way. But I cannot tolerate. when something's bullshit. Like it just... And you've always been that way because of that.

I had to do it so often because I had to participate in so many lies. And it's like, when you grow up in alcoholism, you're in this like bad, long form, like improv game because everyone's just like, oh, no, she fell because she was doing construction in the house. And I have to be like, yeah, mom was repainting the ceiling. And you're like, you have to lie to neighbors. You start believing in your own lives. Totally.

And I'm great at lying. I just, I don't like having a secret. And I'm in Alan on a 12-step program. It's like you're only as sick as the secrets you keep. And once you realize how true that is, and once you start expunging all of your dishonesty and all of your like, you just even when you're like manipulating it, you don't even realize it. When you grow up in alcoholic home or have a lot of neglect and you've had to manipulate people

to get attention, to get food, to get money, to get whatever you needed, get a ride home, whatever. You keep doing it in life. And it's like, course. Once you become aware of it, you start to accumulate shame, which is the engine for maladaptive, ugly behaviors. And so I think I'm just like addicted to a lack of secrets, you know? And also, I can't stand it when people lie to me. Yeah. So I'm sure it comes off kind of like abrupt or whatever and I actually got in trouble. I did a podcast. Brooks Gofield was on.

She's on Tonomojo's podcast. She was fixing her hair and fixing her hair and there was like a hair like down her face. And I was like, oh, you have a like, I thought she'd want to know. And then I was like, Whitney's being a bully. Like I'd want somebody to tell me, you know. How were you going to? Well, you were just trying to help. Of course. But, you know, it's, you know, I don't, negative comments don't bother me. I know that they're all like a, you know, confluence of like who I actually am or what I actually present with the other person and their day and whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. So it's, it's, if people need to come and like, you know, judge people and to get through their day, I just go like, I'm so grateful that I don't have to do that. Like, Godspeed, I can like cope of that. But I want people to tell me if there's a guy on my face. My biggest nightmare is that everyone knows something. something I don't know. Yeah, I don't want to look stupid. I think that's it. I don't want anyone to ever look stupid. So I'm always the person who's like, hey, I just, I heard this. Hey, just you know, this, you know. And I think it comes off as being like, you know, honest. And then the other thing you said was authenticity. Also, I mean, I grew up with animals. Really, parents didn't parent me.

And I got really lucky that I, you know, was sent away to live with my aunts. And we had 14 dogs, horses. Dream. Because the dream. And animals are very. direct in their communication. They don't, there's no need for lying in the wilderness except camouflage, you know, to protect yourself. And like, horses are incredibly fair. I love horses and they mirror like what you need. If they like you. Yeah. If they like you. Yeah. Yeah. They'll start communicating with you by mirroring what you're doing. Yeah. Exactly right. And so I spend most my time with horses and they're so fair and they're so clear and they're so direct. And no one stays mad at

each other because they're just like, don't do that. You're taking out my space. And that's it. And then it's over. Yeah. So I just always think. that being direct and clear and honest is a way of playing to the top of the other person's intelligence. I think if you're lying to someone, you're like insulting their intelligence. You're basically going like, you're dumb. Yeah. That's when someone lies to me, I'm like, it's one thing to need to be shady, but you just think I'm dumb. Right. And so many people do it, especially in the world, like the industry that you're in, I would think that you see that a lot, which would be discouraging. Here's the big question. This is a genuine question I have for you.

If someone's lying to themselves and then they tell you what they, their lie, are they lying? That's my biggest struggle. Because when people lie to me sometimes, I'm like, I think you think what you're saying is true. Yes. There's a lot of those out there. I've had to deal with so much of that where I'm just kind of like, you know what? I think you need to tell yourself a thousand lies to get through the day. Yeah.

And I'm just collateral damage. Yeah. You know? But that's great that you can see it through that perspective. Yeah. I'm on some like we forget about other. not because they deserve forgiveness because we deserve ourselves. We deserve peace, you know, but it's like when someone's lying to themselves, you're just like, and that's my other thing.

My nightmare is a lie to myself. Yeah. You know, and then tell someone what my lie to myself is. I don't know if I'm overstepping, but are you in a 12-step program? Yeah. I'm in something called Adult Children of Alcoholics, ACA Al-Lanon, and it's when you've grown up around alcoholism. It's a miracle. It's basically free therapy. I can't recommend it enough to truly everyone. Codependence Anonymous is another program that I do. So I identify as a codependent. dependents have the inability to tolerate the discomfort of others or the people pleasers, the perfectionists, you know, the people that grew up, like thinking that they needed to be perfect in order to get love and attention. And then when we go into adulthood, which

everybody does, whatever coping mechanisms you developed as a child, you continue, that worked really well. You continue doing as an adult and they don't work well. How long have you been doing this? Almost 14 years. Holy shit. That's awesome. It's a miracle. I mean, it's also, it's a very simple. You know, it's like, you know, A.A. is a miracle. Like, you can go to A.A. We all have some kind of addiction, even if it's a positive, healthy addiction. I've gone through identifying. I'm going on my phone. Serious. What's the plan for that? Yeah. I don't know, but it's so bad. Like, if I'm in the middle of a poop, I will clench my butt just to run, get my phone to finish. I've never, well, I wouldn't have left it. You're not an addict. You're not at my level of addiction if you didn't have it in the first place.

Well, it was the ADD that first led me, didn't you know if I had to go to the bathroom and then there I am on the toilet and then I had to go get my phone. It's an addiction. Yep. Yeah. And it's interesting because an addiction is defined a couple ways. It's when it starts being an obligation and stops being fun. Yeah. Or when it makes your life unmanageable. And it's tricky because you're like in a lot of ways our phones make our life manageable. Right. So as an addict does, justify. Justifies. Rationalized is their drug. But you're like, oh, this is my business. This is money. This is how I make money, you know. but it did help me to turn it into gray scale when you put your phone on gray scale. Oh, can you explain this?

Somebody else just talked about this the other day. It's something where you go into the, just look up what the settings are. It makes it so it's all just black and white. So there's something just a little less sexy about it and a little less of the dopamine hit. It's like the kids where the like what is the baby thing that kids watch and it's all just colors and it's like where the addiction starts. It's like, oh, that's baby crack. It's just dopamine.

Yeah, just pure dopamine. And that probably does have something to do with it. plus all these apps and different things and it's all numbing. And then I have another question for you. Ask me. Are we addicted to the phone, which is the light, fine, or is it the jealousy or the comparing to others? It depends on what you're doing on your phone tells you what you're actually addicted

to because ultimately the same part of the brain is a gambling addiction of Instagram or TikTok scrolling. What you're doing is you're playing slot machines. You know, you're just going like da-da-da-da-boop and you're trying to recreate the feeling that you had the first time you did it or last time you saw some great video or got a great kind of TikTok strategy is yep so to give you a bunch of likes and comments and followers and then drop you down and then build you back up so that you just get this addiction as soon as you start it's I started by the way not only that I started saying I'm getting off TikTok yeah and then I

started getting back in the algorithm I swear to God like you know in casinos that if someone like high roller starts losing they send like a hot girl over yeah yeah yeah or they like figure out a way to make them win so that they'll stay. Whoa, you just blew my mind. Everything feels so manipulative and then we have our phones on top of all of that, which just like my phone is manipulating me constantly. It listens to us. It shows us what I call it, well, Mike Therapist taught this one to me, but shopping for pain,

which is, becomes an addiction where you're like looking for mean comments or you're looking for things to compare yourself to, like, sit in your own misery. But I think it's the, like, same thing with smokers. It's like sometimes for them it's just the holding. of the cigarette and the motion of it holding the phone. Like, I just feel like, you know, when people go to parties, they don't know what to do with their hands and, like, they have a drink and they do this.

Yeah. It's just, it's all part of it. Social lubricant type thing. Like, what the hell? My phone just went into dark mode and I didn't do anything. Wait, what? It literally just said dark mode and went on. Is this the new one?

No. But here's the problem. I find that helpful. I don't, but how did it just listen to me to do that? I have not been marketed an ad on the internet of a thing that I didn't buy in months. It's always like, yep, I want it. Yep, it's like they've made a store just for you.

You don't know what I mean? You're like, I need an umbrella. You open it's like, okay, Timo, let's go. I mean, it is kind of like, you know, there are parts of it where it's like we complain, but also like kind of need that vintage horse shirt. The 12 step, amazing that you've been doing that for 14 years. So my dad is going to be 35 years sober.

And he always says, like, he goes, with his AA meetings every single Monday religiously and it's church and it's therapy and it's literally I will just like if he's home doing a meeting on Zoom if it's not in person I'm like damn I didn't believe in God till I just heard that step like it's it just like changes we're in a you know like a bigger picture like we are in a crisis right now and I think there is a God size whole that we're all trying to fill in other things and I don't mean God as like the man in the sky like white guy, to me, what I always say to my sponsees is like when they're like, I don't do the God thing. I'm like, yeah, I went to a Catholic school and they like hit me. You know what I mean?

They told me not to masturbate or I'd go to hell. Like, you know, totally. It's more, it's not a religion necessarily. It's God I always say is like you don't have to believe in God. You just have to believe that you're not God. If you can believe that you're not God and you can just be in the passenger seat and surrender that every now and then maybe your first instinct isn't the best choice, then like you can believe in God. And that's why we say like higher power. Yeah. But you see it's like people are like, I'm against religion. and I'm against God. But you go to Soul Cycle every morning at 8 o'clock and if you don't get there,

you're going to like throw a fit. Like you also collect crystals and you, you know what I mean? People like joining cults at a record high. Yeah, no, totally. I am a wish. I collect figurines from Labyrinth. We all have our thing, you know. And so I do find it interesting these other little religion.

Or you start following Joe Rogan or start following, you. We're finding other ways to recreate the same thing. But the whole, you know, whoever invented religion, whatever genius business person, like knew that connecting with other people helps like regulate dopamine helps you not feel like you're terminally unique. That's like the- It literally helps people live longer as community. And by the way, getting out of your own head. Like, I mean, I think the most toxic thing about social media is just this me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, to the point of the scrolling. So I guess we're designed, like our reptilian brain is designed to any room you go into to rank where you are ranked,

right? To know, like, who's above you and who's beneath you. And we normally follow. people that are more successful than us, right? So you're constantly, your primordial brain is just saying, I'm lower, I'm lower, I'm lower, I'm low status, I'm low status, you know? So it's just so demoralizing. Damn, I mean, that's why we all have imposter syndrome because somebody's always prettier and more successful. Do you have imposter syndrome? Sometimes, I do sometimes think, like, who am I to be living my dream? Yeah, interesting. Which is so, like, even interviewing you, I'm like, I've loved you for so many years. Oh, whoa. How many years have you been doing stand-up? almost 20. Oh my gosh. And you're still crushing it on tour. Oh, thanks. Yeah. You're on tour right now.

This tour is called Big baby tour. Big baby tour. Because you have a baby. I have a baby. Congratulations. Thank you. Wild. Well, again, inspirational because I'm 39 and I want to have a baby. Great. 40. You got all the time in the world. Right. I said it's weird because I got pregnant at 40. I had a lot of, you know, reservations about getting married and having a kid. Like, I know this sounds insane, but I was always like, how can I marry someone before I've seen them with a kid? I don't know how this person is going to be working. Well, because we've been trained to think this is everything so linear. And you go to school, you go to college, you get a job, you marry a guy, you have a baby.

And then you get married and you spend all the money on the wedding and then you don't have enough money for the kid. And then by the time you have the kid, you guys are so mad at each other because you waste all this money on a wedding. You know, so I just couldn't like wrap my head around the conventional way of doing things. I also, a couple things. Number one, it took me a while because I knew on some level, like I know I, have like just like trash DNA. Like I just know I have hillbilly DNA. Like I want to be the cycle

breaker. Like I want to break these cycles. You know, if you want to, you will. Love that. Yeah. I was like, I learned about epigenetic imprinting. I knew like the patterns that I was subconsciously like, you know, doing that I saw. I knew that I wasn't treating myself well. And I think such a big part of parenting is taking care of yourself and setting that example. You know, they just they just do what they see. You know, not, you know, not as as we tell them to do. And so I was like, I need to spend all this time, like, healing myself and, like, fixing myself. And I knew that was part of it. Did you freeze your eggs?

Am I allowed to ask? Yes, I did. Oh, sick. Yeah. I froze my eggs and I was 32. Great. Yeah. I got...

Nailed it. I think I got 16. Nailed it. That's amazing. I feel good about that. Great job. Sorry. That was weird.

Great job. I sound like the head of Gilead. Like, what am I? So sorry. I was like fertile over here. Fertile. Gross. I mean, I think that egg freezes.

like everyone's going, it's very expensive. I always say, like, ask your parent. It's, it's disgusting that it's not covered by insurance. Some companies it is. I want to say Google, Facebook, whatever, they probably steal your DNA and make robots out of it. But it's like, this is another story. You know, I always say to girls in their 20s, just like, ask for Christmas. Don't get a Christmas gift for 10 years and just ask your parents to help you get your eggs frozen. I'm telling you, you don't need that purse. You don't need those boots. Just like, trust me, because, oh, I remember what I was insane. And it was worth, worth. all this rigmarole. It, I never used, I haven't used my eggs. Yeah. Well, I used them unclear. But it took the pressure off so that I found myself like the ticking clock made me lower my bar over. I was engaged. Yeah. Like I was engaged at 37 years old and I knew it wasn't a right match. But I was like, I just have to because it's like I'm running out time. Knowing that my eggs were frozen helped me to like not, I don't want to say settle for the wrong person because they were great people. We just weren't a match. Right. But like I was. like, I'm not going to bring a child in the world with someone where it's not a match.

I don't want, that's not me breaking the cycle because I watched two parents that hated each other. Yeah. And I was like, let me just like, wait, even if it's unconventional. And also, I learned about how birth control changes the way that we smell pheromones. So we're attracted to a different kind of man. And I was like, really freaky. So a lot of the bad relationships everybody was in in their 20s and 30s, if you were on birth

control, you don't have to blame yourself, you don't have to blame the other person. It can maybe be nobody's fault. it could just be the fact that you're on birth control. They say that if you get engaged to someone when you're on birth control, you should wait at least a year before you get married to make sure you're still attracted to the person. And get off birth control? Yes. Oh my gosh.

So when you're on birth control, you smell pheromones differently because your body thinks it's pregnant, so you're attracted to a different kind of person. Interesting. Wild. So how old is your baby now? 10 months. 10 months? Such a munchkin.

Yeah, I got pregnant naturally at 40. It's possible. I mean, I did. I do take, I took an age. D, N-M-N-N-N-N-A-C went off tap water as well. I have my whole house on filtered water. That's amazing. It's just more the fluoride.

That's the only thing that spooks me. Because I was like, if I'm going to try to get pregnant 40, I can't also be, like, poisoning myself. So do you really watch what you put on your body in your body. I do now. Yeah. Because, you know, it's so I'm not crazy. Because if you stress out over it, the stress is actually worse. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Again, same reason with why people will can't get pregnant. Can't get pregnant. Adopt, get pregnant because the stress is gone. Okay. Exactly it. All my friend, they try to get pregnant, they try to get pregnant. They give up.

They just have a glass of wine, get stone, all of a sudden they're pregnant. You know, because your body shuts down. This is why, like, animals don't, you know, reproducing captivity without a tremendous amount of intervention because their body, they're so stressed. Right. And cortisol and adrenaline shuts down your reproductive system. So what was the question? Oh, do I, okay.

So, yes, I don't, if I need to have water and the only option is, I'm not going to go, like, I can't believe I'm drinking this, fluoride, you know what I mean? Because that's actually going to make it worse. It's just sort of like every now and that I have to do this. The reason I'm pretty anal retentive about it is because I am on the road so much. And I know that Fridays and Saturdays, I'm probably half a Sundays, I'm going to have to eat in airports and I'm going to eat a bunch of trash. So I try to control it when I can.

And look, it's impossible to isolate the variables of why I stop being crazy. But, you know, what's going on with our hormones? And why women are just called crazy all the time. And why some of them are acting wild. It's like the endocrine disruptors, like our makeup, our problems. perfume. I don't trust broccoli anymore. There's stuff sprayed on it. Pull that. If that's not on a loop as the clip, I don't trust broccoli. I don't. There's shit sprayed on it. Who knows what's in our broccoli yet? God. Cale, bad news. What? Yep, I know. Vegetables. We say vegetables are

actually the worst thing because they have to put so many fertilizer. They say the most unhealthy thing now you can order a restaurant is a salad. Oh. Women get half their calories from salad dressing. There's so many seed oils. I'm bumming everybody out. And because of... So what are we supposed to eat? Just bowls of meat? Look.

Carnivore diet? They don't call me Ho Rogan for nothing. Ho Rogan? No, but I just, like, I grew up eating, like, canned garbage, cereal, like candy. So my thing was, like, look, I grew up where I didn't have a choice. I had to eat stuff with chemicals. Most of us do. I now have been able to become financially solvent.

How but instead of buying a bunch of purses and clothes that, like, don't even really fit that I can wear once. Why don't I invest in my health? I like hide my Chanel. I was like, oh, my God. I mean, look, hashtag Bethany Frankel. But I also watch my parents have strokes very young and I had to take care of them my entire like basically late 20s and 30s. And I was like, I'm never going to do that to my kid. I'm never going to not take care of myself so that my kids have to. I have friends that are like 42 that have cancer. Yeah. It honestly freaks me out. Every. Something's up. Something is...

And, by the way, I'll at least know I tried. You know what I'm saying? If I do get it, I'll be like, I tried the water thing. I tried this. See, but then if you get it, I'm going to be like, well, then I'm not doing anything. It could be a lot of other thing. I mean, you know, it's, it's, who knows? I could live over a nuclear power plant right now for all I know.

Right. You know? Everything is scary. But also not, I think finding little things that help you feel, it's a religion. How about that? Maybe that's my religion going like the same way that you feel like going to church. will make it so you go to heaven. I'm like, maybe I'll get cancer later if I don't, you know, do this one thing or if I don't. Well, and it probably makes you feel good. Also, soda's so much

better when you drink it like once a month. It's also like I'm kind of a treat. I'm kind of an edger that way. Like that's my thing. It's like, you know, I've never done cocaine. And all my friends are like, how have you never done cocaine? That's so crazy. And I'm like, no, I want to save it for when I'm like in a nursing home. I just try it for the first time. But like, that's addiction, managing your supply, being like, I want to feel it so bad that I'm going to wait and like keep waiting like I don't want to do it yet because I want to wait because if I do it then I will have done it and it'll be over I mean that's also called anadonia right where you can't enjoy the moment you're in because you're grieving it being over I do that with food. Ooh, tell me. I literally do all if I'm so excited for a meal

I already get sad thinking about when it's over or when I'm full because I'm I enjoy food so much. It's anadonia yeah. I didn't know there's a word for that. I mean it's that's what Annie Hall was initially called Andedonia. But it's, yeah, I have that too. Like, I never want to go on vacation because I'm like, then I'm going to. Because when I'm there, I'm just like, this will be over soon. Yeah, I do that. Don't enjoy it.

Don't get used to this because then you're going to, like, I haven't gone to the, what is it called, the, the sphere in Vegas. Yeah. Because I'm like, I don't want to feel that. You're like, nope, not until I'm on my deathbed with cancer. But then I have to go back to reality. Yeah. So you don't like high highs and low lows.

You like to just. I, my brain goes like, this is now how life should be. Yeah, I get that. When people talk about Molly, they're like, Molly's so amazing. The week after you're going to want to kill yourself, but it's amazing. I'm like, I don't, it's not worth it to me. I think you just have to know your brain.

I don't think that there's hard and fast rules for everybody. I think you have to know if you have an addictive personality. I have an addicted personality. It works very well for me. I think to your point before, like we're all just doing things that works in the past. Fred's mine had a baby shower. and this is probably going to not hit perfectly, but it is what it is. Everyone's made up their mind about me at this point. That's the other thing, another way that you're able to be like authentic

and just when you're like, everyone's made up their mind. Yeah, you aren't going to change their minds. I'm not changing anyone's mind today. It's fine. I was sad. I was kind of feeling sorry for myself because I wasn't the father of my son and I were not synced together. Yeah. That seemed like the healthy, emotionally sober choice. He's amazing. And I was like, this guy is a father, but I know I don't want to be in the way of him finding the person that's perfect for him. And now our son will never know the difference. Right. You know, and we'll have this great co-parenting relationship.

How cool. And then I'll find my person. He'll find his person. Well, and think of how many kids are going to grow up with people co-parenting, you know? And by the way, now there'll be four awesome people in his life. Yeah. And there's no shame. There doesn't have to be shame around it where our parents felt so much shame around divorce.

Like, I just think that's changing too, which is so good for the kids. Totally. So like it is what it is, whatever. His last time's coming. So his life isn't going to be easy. It's fine. Adversity is also good for kids. Let's be honest. And so I'm there and I'm like, by like month six or seven, I'm starting to feel like sad. And I'm like, why? Like I'm doing this alone. This is so. Because like you have no one to like take pictures, you know, like you're kind of like all my pregnancy photos are like selfies. They look like weird thirst traps. Like it's just like it. It just like kind of sad. If I'm pregnant, I'm definitely doing thirst traps. Yeah. Never, never been hit on more by men in my life. Really? It's the fair months. The inability to get pregnant.

Yeah, I don't know. The giant like avatar vein titties and the not needing contraception. And people were like, you know, I was like, ah, it's kind of sucks that, you know, I'm not with the dad, but whatever. And I was like, you are so lucky. All the women are like, you are so lucky that you don't have to tell the dad what to do. And it was kind of like, because I made a movie called The Female Brain. I know it's like very hot take these days to say men and women have like different brains. A little bit's nature.

Some of it's nurture, but some of it's hardwiring. And you deal with Huberman on this. Don't, I'm not, you know, a scientist. But, you know, it's funny because I had this baby nurse helping me sleep train. And she was like, oh, you're so lucky. You don't have a dad in the picture because one of the biggest tensions is like it's just not necessarily a man's instinct. They're not bonded the same way we are right away. Like as far as they're concerned, the baby is something that almost killed their wife.

Right. You know what I mean? Right. And they don't know how to communicate with it. And they sometimes don't know how to help. And, you know, she's like, anytime you ask a man, you know, what to do something, They just get overwhelmed on very simple things because of the way that their brain works. She'd be like, a guy would be like, how can I help?

Yeah. They'd be like, get a onesie, get a bottle and get a sleep sack. And then the guy will be like, which one do you want me to do? Yeah. And she'd be like, just all of them. And he'd be like, what order? Yeah. And he's like, I could have done it by now.

You know, it's like our brains can do 5,000 things at once. Yeah. These octopus tentacles. And I think we both have. It's not their fault. We both evolved to be, you know, strong at different things. I see the men in my life being able to hyper focus on one thing for two hours. And I'm like, I'm so bored.

Oh my God. How can you watch baseball this long? Like, oh, my God, this is driving nuts. You know, so I think we're designed to be more complimenter. And if only we could just like see it for what it is. Yeah. We expect them to be like the, have that motherly instinct. If you want someone to parent, go be a lesbian.

Yeah. Like don't, you know what I mean? I always said, I've said it on my podcast before. Being gay has always been on my vision board. I wish it would happen for me. You live in Nashville, though. There's, I, I dated a girl for a second, but we live in L.A. Yeah, we live in L.A., though.

It's like, honestly, the men are so effeminate at this point. Dating a woman is, like, the straightest thing you can do. But was it nice? No. Oh, okay, okay. No, no, no, no. Well, because maybe for a minute of. No, dating someone that can read micro-expressions is a nightmare.

What are you talking about? No, I don't want to, I don't want to decode how you're feeling with a Fiona Apple YouTube video. two in the morning. I have to figure out if you're mad at me or not. Yeah. That sounds exhausting. Yeah. Like what? Wait, you're hosting a new show. It's called Fast Friends. It's about the show Friends. It is. It's just a game show about the show Friends. Wait, so is it like trivia? It's trivia from Friends and we shoot it on the Friends in New York. There's a Friends experience, which is like all the sets. Oh, really? Are you a fan? Yes, I'm cute. I have the Friends Trivia game at home. No way. Yes. Yes. Oh, that's so cool. I'm obsessed. I know everything

about that show. No way. Yes. You could have asked me questions, but, Okay. I know. Okay. What, um, what was the first word that Rachel's baby said? I do know this one because it was about the big butts, the, right? Well, that was a song. Oh. I like big butts and I cannot lie is what like Ross saying, right? I'm cheating because I literally just did this show for a week straight. I know this answer, but I'm really bad under pressure. It's honestly the hardest one. Oh. I don't know why I did this to you. It's just because it's not a word. It's not a word. That's a good point. Oh, thank you. Let me ask another one.

Okay. I can tell you, what was the name of Joey's stuffed penguin? Oh, and I know this because I just got it. By the way, I love that you say this because I'm not good under pressure like this either. I'm so bad. I did family feud twice and I like, I'm like, oh. And then as soon as it stops rolling, you'll know. It was hugsie.

See, and I knew that because I just had that question. Can I tell you, I, it is so annoying because then you seem like a liar because when I did the gig, I was like, I know everything. And then we were get on the Zooms, then ask me stuff. And I'm like, I know that. I know. And they'd say it and I'd be like, well, I knew that. That's when I was doing Name That Tune. I didn't get Old McDonald had a farm.

It's not, it's not on the tip of the hippocampus. That one is not. Uh-uh. It's not. And also, like, only you know how your brain works. Like, certain people, like, they'll play a clip and then you have to finish the sentence. Certain people got that right away. I'm not good with, like, what was the first word.

It was Gleba. Wasn't it Gleba? Gleba. Yeah. She said Gleba. If I was. watching it, I probably could remember. Like, I'm a very visual person. Gleva, of course. See, like, I knew that. But it's, it's a bunch of like super friends fans. And honestly, I just said to

the people I work with, I was like, you know, I took a little bit of time off to, you know, have a kid and try to update my software and, you know, like mature as a person. And they'll, like, have a little bit of a life, you know, for art to imitate life. You have to have a life. Right. And I realized I didn't have much of a life. Like, I remember I was in a writer's room on this TV show I did and someone was like, you know, what if like the character like, you know, goes to like a baby shower on Sunday? And I was like, nobody goes to baby showers. And everyone was like, no, Whitney, you don't because I work seven days a week. And I realize I don't even know how to write characters anymore that are relatable because I'm never like doing anything

fun or having balance. And I did go to a workaholics Anonymous meeting once. It was eye opening. Everyone was like four. Yeah, because we're all workaholics. Like, everyone was late. Oh, I picture workaholics being punctual. Oh, that's funny. But this was, like, a healing to not, you know, to take our drug from us. And then there were a lot of people that were, like, successful or whatever. And we all kept saying, like, I love your work.

Like, encourage. It's like going to a, like, AA meeting and being like, you are so funny when you're drunk. Like, you're so, like, you drunk. Yeah. Encouraged. Yeah. We, like, could not. There was a woman that was addicted to crafting.

It was actually, like, bone shit. Like, she couldn't stop crafting. Is it like Courtney Kardashian with her coupons? Remember when that happened? I love when rich people are wild about money. I guess that's why they're rich. The richest people are always the cheapest. That's why they're rich.

Yeah. That's why they're rich. They know how quick it can go. Yeah. I could talk to you for five more hours, but... I'll do it again another time. Okay, fine. Thanks for having me.

I'll see you Friday in Nashville. I'm Caitlin Bristow. I'll see you next Tuesday. See you next Tuesday. Thank you.