Oh What A Time... - [BONUS EP] #124 Mummies

Episode Date: August 9, 2026

We're on our annual two-week summer break, but don't worry! Please enjoy these subscriber episodes from last summer while we're away!From July 2025, this is..#124 MummiesTom has extensively researched the process by which the ancient Egyptians prepared their mummies for the afterlife and - I’m sure you won’t be surprised by this - it’s not my idea of a spa day.Elsewhere, is it acceptable to be eating cheese at 12pm? We also uncover the most baffling items in the West Ham shop…..condoms, yes condoms. Plus a whinge about shops shutting on Sundays, early morning booze bans and how the country has clearly lost the plot.The Ancient Egyptians believed you needed your heart, mud filled organs and a decent track record to get into the afterlife; made someone cry once and now no afterlife? Has the game gone?If you have anything on this or anything else, do email: [e-mail] if you want more Oh What A Time and both parts at once, you should sign up for our Patreon! On there you’ll now find:•The full archive of bonus episodes•Brand new bonus episodes each month•OWAT subscriber group chats•Loads of extra perks for supporters of the show•PLUS ad-free episodes earlier than everyone elseJoin us at 👉 patreon.com/ohwhatatimeAnd as a special thank you for joining, use the code CUSTARD for 25% off your first month.You can also follow us on: X (formerly Twitter) at @ohwhatatimepodAnd Instagram at @ohwhatatimepodAaannnd if you like it, why not drop us a review in your podcast app of choice?Thank you to Dan Evans for the artwork (idrawforfood.co.uk).Chris, Elis and Tom x Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Oh, Whatter Time is now on Patreon. You can get main feed episodes before everyone else. Add free. Plus access to our full archive of bonus content, two bonus episodes every month, early access to live show tickets and access to the O Watertime Group chat. Plus, if you become an O Watertime All-Timer, myself, Tom and Ellis, will riff on your name to postulate

where else in history you might have popped up. For all your options, you can go to patreon.com forward slash O Watertime. Hello and welcome to this Oh What a Time subscriber special. We are broadcasting to you, our favourite people, the O Water Time full timers. And this, of course, you will know this better than anyone, is the podcast that asks how unearthed people get by prior to 24-hour shops. Because the amount of times I run out of your staples, your milks, your breads, your cereals, etc., etc.

At a time that is inconvenient. mean to anyone, apart from my local shopkeeper, who is open all the time. He knows me. He doesn't give a shit. I was buying some cheeses a day and he went, ha, ha, ha, ha, always cheese. Because my family gets through a lot of cheese, right? The kids love cheese.

I like cheese. He gets through a lot of cheddar. Is that his catchphrase that he uses whatever the situation is? It was a value judgment. Okay, right. He was like, the guy likes cheese, right? Yeah. My mum used to do a big shop every Wednesday.

Yeah. Every Wednesday night to Tesco. And every meal was... 500 different types of cheese, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But every meal's planned, right. I mean, we never ran out of stuff. And she never shopped at any time other than...

Yeah. That Tesco trip on the Wednesday night. I am a far more... It's chaos, right? But we've... There's a 24-hour shop, like 40 metres from the house. Yeah, yeah. But I suppose if you live in a room...

rural area, it's like this. I remember shops closing on a, on a, was it a Thursday? Thursday afternoon or a Wednesday afternoon because they were open on a Saturday. So we don't have 24 hours near, we have, midnight is the latest you could buy cheese. Yeah. Well, first of all, you shouldn't be eating cheese before you get to sleep anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true.

But midnight is late enough, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Midnight is fine. It did feel in our lifetimes that things would close down. There was a sense of things ending, you know, that. The national anthem on BBC 1 at like midnight. You know, it's like, it's all done. We're all done for the day.

But that's really, that's gone now, isn't it? Like nothing ends. Pub's crossing the afternoon. Yeah, pubs crossed in the afternoon until 1988. Yeah, well, the 80s, Sunday. No, you can't buy anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's Sunday, you literally can't buy anything.

Sorry. Oh, you're starving? No, sorry. Sorry, mate, it's Sunday and you fucked up. You've had six days. I'd love to give you water. I know you've crawled here. You say water, water, but you can't.

It's a Sunday. Sorry, mate, it's a Sunday. Yeah, you need to grow some cucumber and then drink water from that. Yeah. Even now, El, on a Sunday, I still find it annoying that their shops don't open to 11. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I will turn up at a shop at half nine or 10 or whatever as a sensible time for a shop to open. They'll go, no, you've got to wait here for an hour.

And I've done this quite a few times at the West, what they call Westfield, I've got there at 10. And you're allowed to. This is the weirdest thing at the Westfield. They let you walk into the shops and walk around But you can't buy anything to 11 What is that? It's because we're go-getters We need access to stuff

24-7-365 Mind you if you've got time to kill next time you're down at Westfield You go down to the West Ham Stadium store That's open early You get a coffee in there Is it? I think so

I think so It's good to know But do they sell cheese That's what El need Do they sell cheese? What is the? tackiest bit of West Ham memorabilia or merchandise

you've seen sold in the West Hamme shop. Condoms? Oh my God. What? Do you get West Hammer's condoms? You can get West Ham... When you walk around the stadium shop, you're like, you can literally get anything. It's like anything with a West Ham badge on.

Wow. I knew a guy who was single, and he was 38, and he had a Spurs duvet cover. And I remember thinking, That is part of the problem. Yeah, yeah. There's not a woman on earth who's like,

oh, great, he's got a spurs dufe cover. Like, I accept that clubs need to make money, but you've got to draw the line somewhere, I think, as an adult. Esoteric supermarket rules. You know, I got caught out recently I was getting on a train and wanted to buy like some train lagers. But on a Sunday, can you not buy lager at, like, a certain time? I was told to put it back.

Yes, I think there is some kind of weird rule. She'd had the shop keep it had a look at it. Was that just me? I thought, either guys had enough. And I thought that rule went years ago. I didn't realize they banned you buying booze in the morning. Yeah, I remember being prevented from buying booze in the morning. But I thought that rule had passed as well.

Because the weather spoons, I see people having a pint like half nine sometimes. Yeah, yeah. I'm jealous. up. Lovely. That's living. That's the way to live. Can I just just one more place to see the morning pint? Obviously

you get airports totally fine. Of course. There's something about, I've got to the south of Spain sometimes, or Alicante. And there's obviously a big British expat community there. And the pint with breakfast seems to be an expat thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love Alicanti. I think it's

a lovely city, actually. I really like Alicante. I've only been once. But the pint with breakfast scene, that's a British holiday, me. If I have a pint with breakfast, I will be asleep. I'm asleep at lunch. Absolutely. I'm snoring by 12. There's no way I'm not doing. There's no way you can, like, that's the starting whistle for the day's booze.

No. There's got to be a break in there. Although, I, a couple of Christmases ago, had a few drinks. And then I had a couple of coffees as well. and I felt fantastic. So maybe that's the key. You have a breakfast pint, but you have a few of coffees

as you normally would as well. And then the combination of caffeine and alcohol turns you into a party animal. How do you think Izzy is reacting if you try to introduce the breakfast pint and it's like Monday to Friday normal school run? On the school run? Yeah.

No, you're walking to school today. Dad's had a breakfast pint. I'm so sorry. Dad's had a breakfast cruise campo. So welcome to this subscriber special. Before we go into the correspondence, shall I just say what this is about? Let me explain.

Today's episode, I'll give the context a little later, but I'm going to be talking you guys in detail through the often slightly horrific process of mummification in ancient Egypt. Nice. How are you? Are you of a squeamish disposition? Shall me and L say what we know,

of the top of our heads about Egyptian mummification processes. Yes. And you can maybe give us a score out of 10 for how close we are to the truth. Love it. They, the brain comes out through the nose at some point. I remember this from primary school. I'm not going to say yes or no at any point, but I'll just give you a point at the end. I know it's important to remove all the organs, though Egyptians work that out.

And especially getting the brain out of the head is important in the mummification processes. And the other thing I know is they love herbs and all that. Interesting. There's a lot of herbs going on. Herbs to province, all that sort of stuff. What about you, Elle? Anything you want to add to that list? Wrapped in bandages.

But I think the mummification process changes the colour of the hair, so it doesn't quite look like how they would have looked when they were alive, I think. Right. That is muse to me. So there you are. That's, yeah. Oh, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm wrong.

I might have mixed that up with my bog-bodied stuff because I'm really into bog bodies, which is it occupies the same space but it's a different thing. Okay, I'm going to give you both a five out of ten but there is still plenty. You do not know. Before we get into that, should we do a little bit of correspondence?

Oh, yeah, should we do that? You're our favourite people of subscribers and your emails are our favourite emails as such. Our first email today is from James Robertson who sent an email called History's Hardest Men, which I think is something you brought up at, is that right? I just pointed out that prior to MMA and that kind of thing, if you're the world heavyweight champion boxer, you were basically the world's hardest bloke. Yeah.

Which is quite a funny title, Maxim. Absolutely. Well, James has jumped on that idea and he's emailed him. Hi, chaps. Love the podcast. Only recently discovered, but working my way through the back catalogue at pace. Well done, James. I'm not sure if this has ever been covered.

Ah, so this is just an idea that's come to him, not knowing that in more recent podcasts, we'd actually mention it. So apologies in advance, but I want to talk about history's harness men. After regaling myself of the story of Bill Millen, have you heard of Bill Millen? No. This blew my mind. This is, what a guy. Bill Millen was an unarmed soldier on the D-Day landings who played the bagpipes on the beaches of Normandy. Oh, yes.

I've heard of him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It made me think he must either be a fucking nutter or hard as nails. Yes, and the Germans didn't shoot him. They just thought, he's a maniac playing the bagpipes. Oh, is that true? It must be quite a funny sound to shoot a backpiper, though. Not the backpiper.

So they didn't shoot him? Well, that was how I was led to believe it works. I did know that there was a piper on the D-Day Lundlings. Yeah. Is that how you survived? a beach landing. You just got to bring quite an amusing instrument. Like the key tar or something like that. That's how you survive. The triangle.

Yeah. You've got to run up a beach, okay? What instrument are you choosing you think gives you the best chance of surviving? Okay, the Normandy landings. I think it's something that's got to get a laugh. So I'm going one man band. So I'm doing everything. Dick Van Dyke. You're Dick Van Dyke. Yeah, yeah. I would use the steel drum. Oh, nice. Hoping that the bullets bounce. off the

yeah yeah well I'd give some of that calypso feel to the beach scene and people just go let's have a holiday instead what about a giant gong oh yeah yeah that's nice like you're calling time

on the wall I've read so much about D-Day I never knew someone marched onto the beaches we're playing the bagpipes this is brand new information Bill Milling I kind of thought that ended

with like the Battle of Waterloo I thought like 1815 would have been the last time This is astonishing to me. There's always a Scottish maybe I could lost the pipes. Yeah, exactly. James has suggested here,

this leads me to my question, who were the hardest men in history or the biggest nut jobs, which is exactly what you suggested the other week, Al. And I think, I think we can confidently say, Bill Millen,

the man he walked up the Normandy of landings with a bagpipe has to be up there for bravery. That's remarkable. Yeah. Good on him. Also, you're really drawing attention

to yourself at the backpipes as well. You're saying, I'm here, look at me, this is where I am, look at me. Whereas I'd be desperately trying to hide behind anything and keep as quiet as I possibly could as I snuck up to me. I've just pulled up Bill Millen's Wikipedia. Can I read you an astonishing passage? So he lands on Sword Beach and he plays Highland Laddie, the road to the aisles and all the blue bonnets are over the border.

It says as his comrades fell around him. Jesus Christ. Milling stated that he later took. talk to captured German snipers who claim they did not shoot at him because they thought he'd gone mad. So that's the art. It's not an instrument. It's just coming across as utterly bonkers. Yeah. So they turn up in shoes at five sides is too big.

Isn't this an episode of Blackadder? Doesn't he? Yeah, it's like something from Catch 22, isn't it? I love that. Thank you James Robertson, who notes he's from Paisal in Scotland. That is a fantastic email. and that is a fantastic person. Well done Bill Millen for that. Our next email is from Leo Skelsey. Title, Oh, what a wonderful war. Hi there. Thank you for the podcast. It makes me look forward to my commute in the morning,

knowing I'm about to learn weird and wonderful history facts. Thank you very much, Leo. It means the world, genuinely. On the subject of people who enjoyed the war, a little reminder, Chris, where this came from. Always nice to remind. My wife's granddad basically had a great war. just went cruises all around the world. So we were asking for people who had similarly great wars. Yeah, absolutely. Saw a bagpiper on the beach, found that hilarious. That sort of stuff.

Had a great war, didn't it? So Leo said, I would like to introduce you to my granddad Walter. I love it when this happens. Or Wally, for sure. I love it when listeners write in with family members. Whilst too young to enlist at the beginning of the war, in the early 40s, he joined the RAF as soon as he turned 18. At this point, in an attempt to build up a reserve of pilots,

Britain was sending recruits to be trained in South Africa away from their main theatres of war, which I would describe as ideal if I've just been called up in World War. So he's sent off to a place that is not involved in the war to learn how to fly. Oh, yeah, with nice weather. Oh, absolutely. Unfortunately, your training base is in IB. Okay.

You've been called up by the Minister. History of sound. I'd like you to meet Sergeant Linneka. Whilst my other grandfather was being thoroughly traumatised in Burma, that's cruel, isn't it? The other granddad, I mean, he's... Yeah, a family get-together is tricky, isn't it? Wally learned how to play P-47 Thunderbolts in a ground attack role. He attended formal dances in colonial mansions.

He flew over the Nazi sympathising Pretoria University. and threw toilet paper over their campus, like a high school prank in the 80s American film. And he even had his whole unit standard issue handguns confiscated for refusing to stop shooting out the lights in the barracks at night. Wow. It wasn't all plain sailing, though. It's now time for the twist.

Admittedly, this is a bit of a downer. When he complained of toothache that started when he got to altitude, the RAF dentist put him under general anaesthetic and proceeded to remove all of his teeth. Oh. Because you can't have toothache. if you don't have any teeth. Thoughts on that?

I know more than one person in their 80s who decided to take that option. Oh, really? And they were like, yeah, fuck it, fine. Get them out. Get them out. They can't give you any jip if you haven't got any. Get them out.

Yeah. I know one person, he just went into the dentist one day. He said, take them up, please. And he was 45, and he went home, and he walked in with a brand new smile because he had false teeth. Wow. Yeah.

That's amazing. would you be willing to go to South Africa if it kept you out of the battlefield but the downside of you are having all of your teeth removed? I don't know much about false teeth. Yeah. Like, is it a ball ache? Or is it easy?

They could be a bit sore. I don't really know. I'm not an expert. Can I shock you? If it gets me out of the Second World War, yeah. Yeah. Bring it on. Also, they'd be perfect.

You'd have a beautiful smile, don't you? Well, speaking of getting out of war, one of my friends has flat feet, and that would mean he was ineligible for war. And it didn't Donald Trump got out of Vietnam? Bone spurs. He got out of Vietnam, yeah. That's a technicality. I've got flat feet.

So you wouldn't have to go to war? I've always hoped that should World War III kick off. I'll take my shoes off and go, come on, come on, lads. The thing I never understood about that is how bad is flat feet? Do you know what is stopping? What is it preventing? What's it prevented? From what I understand,

I got my flat feet diagnosed by a caropodist who was having a pint in a pud when I was about 20. And he said, my flat feet are so flat. They're like, honestly, like a cartoon feet,

how flat they are. If I'm ever looking to sort of like hang a painting and make sure it's at the right angle, I should get you to put up your flat. Honestly, it's like I'm one of the Mr Men. they are so flat, right? And I said, would this get me out of a war? And he said, you've got congenital flat feet.

So your carbs and everything have grown in a certain way to accommodate and compensate for the fact that you've got flat feet. So probably not. I think it's if you're fallen arches, it makes walking on distances painful. So I think that's the difference. Can I just say, L? That sounds like a great night out you're on.

No, I was... That sounds like a really fun night out. Speaking of charopidist about your flat feet. I'll explain. I was working behind the bar. Oh, you're working by the bar. And it was a very quiet night. And my friend Bruhan, the two of you have met at my wedding.

He was staying up on my house and he had diagnosed me over breakfast with flat feet. And I was like, no one had ever said that to me before. I was like, I can't be true. But I knew that one of our locals was a coropidist. And even though he'd had six points, he said, yes, you have got flat feet. He came in, he said, excuse me, the largest flat. You said, I think that's flat. Get this out.

You put your foot on the... And he goes, wait a second, that's congenital flower. And he said, let me help you. Amazing. Well, Leo completes his email by saying, eventually the war ended a matter a week before Wally saw any action, and he flew home,

having never fired a shot in anger. All the best, Leo. So there you are. To Samai, he goes out to South Africa, learns how to fly a plane, goes to dances. Admitted he does have all his teeth removed, but they're in turns.

home never having faced the enemy or battle. To me, I think that fits under, oh, what a wonderful war. I'll give it that. I think that is someone who's avoided the horrors. The oh, what a wonderful war hall of fame. Absolutely. We will take that. I wonder if he's posh.

Why is that? Because that does sound like the kind of get out that would only happen to a posh person. I just cannot imagine some squadie from Preston being sent to South Africa to go to like, you know, sort of balls and dances and things. I reckon the squaddy from Preston or the Rondra, whatever, have been sent straight to, you know, straight to the bloody trenches or the front. I wonder if that was the sort of the aristocrat dividend.

But were the RAF not scouting for people that had the requisite talents to fly, were they not looking for people, you know, I don't know, I don't know, there'd be some kind of training thing where they pinpoint people who've got, I don't know, I don't know, not quite sure. You're probably right. I'll tell you what, I'll give you a bit more Second World War interesting stuff for the subscribers. I talked about my wife's granddad

who basically had a Second World War that just went, he just had a lovely old tour around the world on the expense of the Royal Navy. But his brother was in D-Day, and his brother, who was younger than him, a couple of years younger than him, he actually survived D-Day,

he landed on the beach, but then died like two days later in the Battle of Khan. Wow. Just up the road. Like literally survived the first 48 hours of D-Day and then died in the ensuing battles just afterwards. And actually went to France and visited his grave.

But I think, you know, we talk about like... Has he got his name on it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's British military cemetery just outside of Khan. Oh, okay, okay. Yeah. But again, it just shows the lottery of war, isn't it? Yeah.

Like, incredibly. That's the thing that kind of scares me a little bit. But when I think about the conscription, you know, and thinking back to the Second World War and what those people went through, you just don't know what kind of war you're going to have. Yes. Oh, God, yeah.

Yeah. Absolutely. I think the thing that scared me most would be the tanks, I think, and the tanks. Yeah, the shells. Yeah, being shot up by someone who's really good at a shoot-ta. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. But I do not what you mean, Chris,

it is the lack of knowledge is exactly what's going to happen. And now I've got a new fear, the sound of bagpipes. of all the instruments to be hearing on deed, like that. It's stressful at the best of times hearing a bagpipe. It is quite an intimidating sound, I think, the backpoles.

Yeah. Well, when you see, when you think like famous pictures of paintings of the Battle of Waterloo, there's bagpipists. There being pictured. So it is, yeah, you're right, it's scary. It's all so fucking loud.

If you ever get off at Edinburgh Waverly Station during the festival, there's always a piper right outside. and you can hear him from about six miles ago. Like, it is, it is loud. I had a flat in Edinburgh once during the fringe, and one of the people that lived in the flats below

used to do his bagpipe practice in the garden outside my window every morning throughout the entire, that's all run. And if he's listening, I wish him nothing but hill. I don't mean that. It's a lovely sound. Right, shall we crack on to today's subject? Do you do that? Yes, please. It is, as I say, mummification, the ins, the outs, mainly the outs of mummification and the horror thereof.

Now, the reason this sort of idea came to mind is that yesterday I went to the Tutankar moon experience. Did you? I did at the Excel Centre in London. It's like an immersive experience that takes you into the life of Tutankarmoon, discoveries of his tomb in 1922 by Howard Carter. It's all this incredible stuff. I took the kids. It was brilliant. I absolutely loved it.

What are your thoughts, incidentally, on taking kids to museums? Do you enjoy it? Yeah, once they get to a certain age. Yes. Once they're old enough to appreciate it, it's great. I'm taking my daughter to the National History Museum. I'd say that's perfect for a kind of five-year-old, six-year-old.

Yeah, yeah, definitely. But one thing I notice is I get older that some museums just simply provoke questions. Like, okay. Yeah, so questions I'm unable to answer. The nature of war. Why, you need armour. What's that sword for? What does that plaque commemorate?

You know, you're just like, uh... Absolutely. And the other thing I've noticed at a young age is that you're only ever given a maximum of two to three seconds to read anything on a board or what an object is. Because they're pulling you along constantly saying, can we go and see the next thing? This bit's boring. Yes, yes. Until they get to an interactive bit, then they're fine. So I'm trying to read what is.

era some neolithic pot is from. And I'm halfway through the sentence and I'm being pulled away so I'll never find out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mammification didn't generally change the colour of hair. I think I'm mixing mummification up with bog bodies. That's confirmed. With just for men.

That seems to have been confirmed by Google. Perfect. That's good. I like the fact you've done your own oh, what a shame. Yeah, yeah. Sorry, sorry. I couldn't handle a genuine old shame. Absolutely.

Best bit in the whole experience. There's a VR experience where you put on goggles and you walk around the site of the tomb basically of Howard Carter's. Oh, amazing. Yeah, it's amazing. The best bit of that is that when you put the goggles on, it's the most I've ever laughed, I think. So you don't bump into everyone, they make everyone else in this room look like Howard

Carter. There's loads of Howard Carter's around you. They do not. And it's funny than that is a black and white photo of Howard Carter with a bow tie and a top hat. I'm with my two young children, so I look down, wherever I look, beside me, there are two tiny Howard Carter looking up at me at all times. It's so funny. These little Howard Carter's bumbling around, yeah. Oh, I would ban the museum gift shop.

Okay. But having to exit through the gift shop is running the gauntlet for any parent because kids cannot accept that they don't get a gift. And I'm like, come on, mate. Yeah. You don't want honey made by a local bee. That's it, isn't it? You're basically saying, if you aren't going to let them have something, it's like, what £7 thing do you want me to buy

that you will not look at ever again two minutes after we leave here? Such a pain in the ass. Yeah. It's completely pointless. Very briefly, the worst bit in the VR experience was when I walked up to a Howard Carter that I thought was my wife. I put out my hand thinking was, her shoulder saying, hi, Claire.

Anyway, it wasn't a shoulder. And as I grabbed what I thought was a shoulder, I heard the sentence, this definitely isn't Claire. And it was just, it was another one. I've got such a history of doing that. At which point, I heard Claire laughing somewhere else in the VR

experience quite a way away from me. But you live with this woman. How yes, we're now happy together. Yeah, exactly. It was, it was, an innocent mistake. You can't work out exactly where your partners are. I thought that Howard Carter was Claire. You're on that. And you took off your VR headset

and it was a woman who looked exactly like Howard Carter. Exactly. And before we get into the actual route of what I want to talk about today, would you like to briefly see what I would look like as an Egyptian pharaoh. This is what you get to look at as you go. You go in a photo booth.

There you go, I've stuck it on the group. This apparently is what I would look like as an Egyptian pharaoh. If you're interested. There you go. Thoughts. That's not you, is it? It is me.

What do you? That looks nothing like you. You look like Mark Ullman. Yeah, that's it. I'm just trying to figure out. A cross between Mark Olmond and dot cotton. Yeah. And you can't move that, isn't it?

You look absolutely beautiful, Tom. Oh, thank you very much. Thank you. Oh. And what about in the picture, Al? Very nice. Yes, yes, yes. Okay, so the reason I'm talking about mummification is because in this Tootan Karmu experience,

there is a film we watch on mummification. But during it, my four-year-old kept running off, and I missed a lot of it. So I thought I would research mummification so I can actually know what happened and what I missed out on this movie that everyone else was relaxed and watching it. And it blew my mind how the process worked. Did you know that the process of mummification took up to seven months? Did you know that? I had no idea that was the case. No, I'm more intrigued by the nutter who did it first.

Yes. Yeah, yeah. That's a very good point I'm just Who thought that was a good idea And then who did it once And thought I'm going to go back to this

And perfect it actually Well I can tell you, Well I can tell you Al Whereas most people associate Mammification with Egyptians It wasn't them who did it first The first The first mummifications

In terms of remains we found Belonged to the Chinchoro culture of northern Chile And southern Peru And they date back To around 5,050 BC which is 2,000 years prior to the Egyptian mummies. Isn't that crazy?

They've existed that long. However, it was the Egyptians that made an art of it. Plus, as a culture, they were around for 2,400 years. So there's lots more mummies. Yeah, yeah. And because they were better at it, they survived for longer. And that is why we associate Egypt with mummification and why they are the leading lights in that world, basically.

Yeah. So, you know, like passing football existed before. that Barcelona ticket-tacker team but Pet perfected it and also he made it his own

he just had better branding exactly yeah the Egyptians are better branding than the Peruvians and the reason they did it

was because they believe that the soul I didn't know this either needed a physical vehicle to enjoy the afterlife and all the afterlife had to offer so the body

at the point you passed over would be the body you had forever in the afterlife. So with that in mind, when are you hoping you go? Because I think there's an argument going, okay, I'm 28. I'm in good shape. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the time.

Yes, absolutely. Rather than being 96, this is going to be me forever. 28 and I've just left the gym, so I've got a nice punt on. Yeah, exactly. So I'm looking taught. Completely. But what about you, Chris? What are you thinking?

Yeah, you want to be youthful. You want to be... I was going to say this earlier. Like, if you're coming back as a ghost, you know, you want, You want to be your prime version of yourself. Like you, Tom, and your hearsay prime, pump. I tell you what it made me think is the fact that if your final form is what remains for the afterlife, if they are right about that, it's quite annoying if you've been cremated

and you have to spend the rest of eternity as dust. The rest of eternity in an ashtray. Exactly, yeah, on a mantelpiece for eternity up in heaven. I hope you get to pick. I hope, you know, like if you're choosing a character on like, Tekken or something like that. You can go through the various different eras and pick which one you want to be.

Yeah, I'll be Christiana Rana. Well, no, this is where the preservation came from because they were trying to preserve you in your perfect form as much as they could so that you could be the best version of yourself in eternity. Now, the process was very intricate, very particular at every stage.

I'd like your take on each of these stages and I want you to imagine you're the person having to carry it out, okay? First of all, a hole was rammed near the base of the nose. A long hook is used to pull the brain out of the skull, as you said, Chris, like a sort of gross version of hooker duck. So you've got the thing up there. You're pulling the brain out of the nose.

Thoughts from that as an initial thing. It's your job. Are you happy about that? I remember that from primary school. That stuck with me. I think I might have even seen one of the sticks with the hook on it somehow in a museum. That stuck with me to this day Because your nose isn't your whole brain

Coming out through your nose It's not big enough Absolutely Well they do break widen the aperture slightly They do break a slightly larger hole to do that Do you know what I'd say What would you say? If it was your job

Our next door neighbours refer to our two cats as the cray twins Because it is mouse genocide On our street and they bring mice in and the first time I hated it and I still don't love it but I am used to it

I would say so I reckon day one on the job taking someone's brain out via the nostrils I'm not thrilled about it by day three yeah do it and I'm eating a sandwich at the same time

probably working through lunch on your iPhone watching four I like that's so they pull it out using this hut the reason for this was because the brain

was the only organ that Egyptians didn't consider important in the afterlife. So they thought it wasn't needed, which I hope for their good that they were right on that. Yes. Otherwise, we get up there, you bump into an Egyptian

and they're utterly unable to do anything. It would be very tricky. Trying to live forever without your brain. Yeah, exactly. But you probably wouldn't care. Yeah. Yeah. Completely. So next up, resins, they're melted down, they're poured up the nose into the now empty skull and the head is then rolled around so that the cranium is coated in this resin.

Do you understand? So they're coating the inside of the head. The reason for that was to prevent bacterial growth. After that, they use a small volcanic rock called obsidian to make a small slit near the stomach. I want to guess why they're doing that? Why are they making a small slit? Outcome the intestines? Not just the intestines.

Through that slit, the embalmer would reach in, like birthing a cow, and remove all of the internal. A whole shebang. The whole shebang. And I would like to now nominate that for worst job in history. You want to get in there and do that quite fast, I imagine. Yeah, yeah. Especially in the Egyptian climate.

You don't want to be giving it a few days. You know when you're sort of rummaging around underneath the sofa when something's under there. You're trying to find the remote or something. That point at the end where you're trying to find the last bits in the body that you haven't managed to get rid of. Your workplace would stink. Do you know, I don't think we've covered this, but I've been reading about the Norman Conquest. It's here. Do you know, and I don't think this has come up on the podcast, but do you know what happened to William the Conquerer when he died? No. So William the Conquerer, he's a bit overweight towards the end of his life. I think it was a bowel injury. He falls off his horse and

he dies, the coffin they get for him is slightly too small and the embalming process basically hasn't been great. The combination of those things means he's quite bloated, they put him in the coffin and I think it's just, he's just too big for it. So they try to hammer the lid down and eventually start

jumping on it and he basically explodes in the coffin. Oh good, yeah. The smell was meant to be absolutely horrific. So they were like trying to treat it of all these different like rose petals or whatever just trying to mask the smell. But by the time the funeral came around, people were literally vomiting at the funeral. It was like just

hurrah. So can you imagine in the Egyptian climate? As if a rose petal would take the edge of it. It's the first millennia version of Febrez, isn't it? Yeah. It's fighting a losing battle. So the liver, the lungs, the stomach, the intestines, it's all removed. But those four things are then placed into four conopic jars. Each of these jars is associated with one of the four four sons of Horus, who were deities who protected these organs, essentially. They were seen as important organs. The brain wasn't. These four organs were seen as vital.

Interestingly, though, I didn't notice either. The heart was left in the body because Egyptians believed it was the centre of intelligence and feeling and something that would be needed in the afterlife. So the one thing that remained in the body was the heart. The voids were then filled with straw, dried grass, rags, sawdust or mud. I think I prefer the idea of being cremated rather than knowing that after I die someone's going to be filling my body with mud.

Yeah. Thoughts on that? That makes me feel funny that. It doesn't feel super dignified, does it? Knowing that's going to be happening at a point that I'm going to be flumped up with mud. Yeah. I don't know what I'm suggesting as an alternative though.

Yeah. Maybe mud. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, straw's not terrible. Yeah. I don't mind walking. around for eternity with straw in my stomach. It feels itchy.

I'd rather be packed with mud than straw, I think. Agreed. So, at this point in the process, the body was then filled, the rest of the gaps was filled and covered with an Egyptian salt called Natron, which removed moisture and prevented decay. And then, and this is where the time comes from,

and it blows my mind this, the body was left for around 40 days for it to completely dry out. And every day, I'd like to introduce a second worst job into the world here. Every day, it would be someone's job to come in to remove the salt and put new salt inside and on the body. So for 40 days, someone is coming in and filling you with a new batch of salt. Okay, so that's happening. And the idea is it's just sucking out all the moisture.

Completely. It's completely drying. Like a damaged iPhone. In rice. And every day they tried to switch you on. And it goes, still not working. And then, when you were nice and dried out, the salt was removed. And this bit does actually sound quite nice.

And is something you touched on earlier, Chris. You were cleaned with wine, with spices, and then scented with myrr. And tree resin was then used to close the wound that your organs were taken through, onto which protective jewellery was placed to prevent evil forces from entering the body. then a heavy sort of hard scar of necklace was placed on your chest above your heart, something which we'll find out is crucial, okay? And at this point, it's finally time to wrap you in the classic mummy bandages. So all of this stuff has happened, and there hasn't been a sign of a bandage.

So we're like four and a half months in now, and you haven't come within, you know, a cat's whisker of a bandage. Yeah, surprise at that. Absolutely. Do you want to guess how much linen was used for a single person? Oh, I wouldn't even know how to measure it. We were talking square metres, what do you want? What's the measurement?

meters squared, yeah. Oh, it'll be something ridiculous. More than four square metres? You think four square metres? What are you thinking out? It'll be something crazy, 20. Okay, it's up to 375 metres squared. What?

What? It was used but one person. Isn't that insane? They use resin on alternate layers. to keep it nice and tight. So they wrap it round. They do a layer. They then add resin.

And then they would do another layer and they keep going, keep going, keep going. And it also placed little trinkets as well that would be useful in the afterlife throughout. Kind of like pass the parcel as they're taking the mummy apart. Yeah, exactly, completely. Pass the past life. A fun fact that I also discovered is in some cases

people were wrapped in their own bedding. So I've got a question for you You've got to choose a duvet cover from your life To be wrapped in I've chose I had a Rupert bear one When I was about eight That's what I'm going for The idea of opening the sarcophagus

And Rupert's looking at you What duvet cover are you going for From your life to be wrapped in We bought some nice duvet covers When we moved into this house And on the rare occasions They're on the bed I get in bed and I think

I've made it These are real adult bedclothes And I am 44 And I'm glad So it would be those. You're going with that. You're having a nice comfortable move into the afterlife. What about you, Chris?

18 bedding. 18, great. Yeah. Love that as a kid. I'll love it in the afterlife. Finally, a mask is put on your face. You then lowered into your casket, which then goes into your sarcophagus,

and then that goes into your tomb. Job done. Or it would be if it wasn't for the little matter of you navigating your way through the afterlife, because Egyptians believed you first had to go through a series of tests before reaching heaven. Sort of like a sort of, it's like a no man's land full of. Here's the sort of things that are in there.

Vast caverns, lakes of fire, magical gates guarded by beasts and half-human monstrosities. An example of one of these monstrosities was one called He Who Dances in Blood. Oh my gosh. It sounds like a much more hardcore version of Toes a wipeout. Yeah. Now, it's easy to laugh about these things, But think about it from the point of view of an Egyptian who's dying

and genuinely thinking they're going to have to go through that. So as you face death, imagine knowing that now, you're thinking, okay, I'm going to enjoy my life because when I die, I am going to have to avoid something called He Who Dances in Blood. Yeah. Lakes of flight, that's something I need to navigate. Best of luck in the old lake of fire, mate. Another reason why you want to come back at your most limber and agile, like mid-20s,

rather than an 80-year-old, for example. Trying to fight he who dancing the blood, with like a zimmer frame to the place, that sort of thing. Exactly. And the only guide through this was something called the Book of the Dead. It was a book which contained answers, spells, and protections that would serve you and save you on this journey. The cruelest part of this,

these books were, or scrolls, were incredibly expensive, so only wealthy Egyptians could afford them. The poor basically had to enter the afterlife and just hope for the best. Which is just horrific. So at the crucial point in this journey, if you were poor, chance are you probably hadn't made it to this point. You had no map.

And like everything that was horrible was out to get you. At the crucial point in this journey, you would enter something called the Hall of Truth, where Osiris, the God of the underworld and his panel of 42 judges would ask you 42 questions to assess your worthiness to enter the afterlife, all of which you would have to pass. Questions such as, have you ever made someone cry? Ellie, you ever made someone cry? How are you passing that one? Yeah.

Well, I'm afraid you're not going on into the afterlife in that case. Jesus, like a viver. Exactly. Chris, have you ever eavesdropped on someone else's conversation? Intentionally, and accidentally. Yes. Well, both are, according to Osiris and the 42 judges. These are the things that prevent you.

Did you say it was called the Hall of Truth? The hall of truth. Yeah, that sounds intimidating. However, there was a way of passing that, which brings us neatly as an end point to this heavy scarab that was placed on your chest. The belief was, basically, as you pass through this hall, you try and lie, but your heart would be too honest.

Your heart would basically dob you in. Oh, my God. No, he did. He listened to the neighbours through the garden fence because they've been not getting on recently. It's quite funny. He made a sun cry when they tried to leave a museum. without going to the gift shop.

Exactly. But this heavy scarab, they said, would suppress your heart so it would prevent it from giving away these truths. That's why they put this heavy scarab on your chest when they were wrapping you up in the bandages because it would stop your heart from giving yourself away at this crucial time of interrogation.

The old falsehood machine. Therefore, you could give your fibs and you would get through to the afterlife. And that, dear boys, is that. the process of mummification and the progress through the afterlife, or at least the no man's land before the afterlife, that all Egyptians felt they would have to face. As a final point, at the very beginning of all this, before it was felt that the book of the dead was open to everyone, there was a point where Egyptians believed that only the Pharaoh would pass through to the afterlife

and that basically everyone else was screwed. Oh my God. What a horrific. time to be alive. That doesn't seem fair. Yeah, exactly. And then in time, it was accepted. Well, wealthy Egyptians can get in and so forth. But there was a point where everyone just thought, no, we're all screwed apart from that guy, he'll be fine.

Terrifying. Yeah, it really is, isn't it? That takes all of the joy out of life. I'm really struggling to find any positivity, if that, in this new interpretation. You're not. going to heaven, apart from the pharaoh. You're still in Egypt, lovely beaches,

wonderful scuba. Yeah, nice place. Bit hot in the summer. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, but on the downside, he who dances in blood is coming for you. So, enjoy the weather.

Well, that's it for this subscriber special. Thank you, Tom, for feeding my nightmares this evening. Pleasure. That's what I'm here for. And thank you for. And being an oh, what a time full timer. It means the world. And do tell your friends.

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