Ologies with Alie Ward - Field Trip: My Butt, a Colonoscopy Ride Along & How-To

Episode Date: April 13, 2023

Come check out my butt with me! 1 in 16 people in the U.S. will have colon cancer, and 0 in 16 want to talk about getting a camera up your guts to check things out. I am one of them, but after losing loved ones to colon cancer – and staring down the barrel of my first-ever colonoscope — I recorded tips, tricks, taste tests, foggy drug hazes, bar room advice, and finally my surprising results. It may save a life. Possibly yours. Find out more about colorectal cancer hereMore episode sources and linksOther episodes you may enjoy: Urology (CROTCH PARTS), Gynecology (NETHER HEALTH), Phallology (PENISES), Sexology (SEX), Microbiology (GUT BIOME), Nephrology (KIDNEYS), Surgical Oncology (BREAST CANCER)Sponsors of OlogiesTranscripts and bleeped episodesSmologies (short, classroom-safe) episodesBecome a patron of Ologies for as little as a buck a monthOlogiesMerch.com has hats, shirts, masks, totes!Follow @Ologies on Twitter and InstagramFollow @AlieWard on Twitter and InstagramEditing by Mercedes Maitland of Maitland Audio Productions and Jarrett Sleeper of MindJam Media and Mark David ChristensonTranscripts by Emily White of The WordaryWebsite by Kelly R. DwyerTheme song by Nick Thorburn

Okay, up top, just so you know, this is a weird episode. Topics weird, format weird, audio weird, stick with me. It's worth it to the end, I promise, okay. Oh, hey, it's your friend's kid who's hitting you with a pool noodle alley ward and come with me as I research, prep for, get a colonoscopy and then learn some alarming results. Will you?

Okay, so I'm proud of you, number one, for being here. It's an investment in your health or maybe you're just here cause you like butts or you wanna hear some hot gossip about mine. Maybe someone who cares about you said this is like a friendly, encouraging Valentine. Straight up your rectum, but here's what's up. I needed a colonoscopy and like one would imagine

I was not thrilled at this prospect but I have lost a few loved ones to colon cancer and I've seen firsthand how gnarly it is to have cancer in your guts. And little known word trivia. So my dad had blood cancer for nine years but his chemotherapy had the side effect of causing colon cancer possibly.

And it was actually that undetected for too long which ultimately took his life. So this episode is personal really like in every way possible. And maybe for you too, one in 16 people in America will get colon cancer and zero in 16 like talking about it. So if this intestinal odyssey helps one person get screened I guess it's worth the potential embarrassment.

And trust me, there's a lot of embarrassment in this. One of my favorite things that I've learned from your pod mom, Jared Slipper is that something is only as embarrassing as you let it become. Because when you're embarrassed people get embarrassed for you but when you don't give a fuck, no one feels bad for you.

So you just own your colons, so what? Shrug it off, let's get started. But first, thank you to everyone at patreon.com slash ologies for supporting the show. Thank you to everyone who passes this along to a friend and those wearing merch from ologiesmerch.com. Thanks to everyone who subscribes and rates and reviews which helps so much.

I read every review and this week there were such sweet ones even though someone named Bort Muppet Margaret meant to leave five stars but left one star. But that's okay, it happens. I didn't take it personally. Also Bebel971720, thanks for the review that said I love science.

I thought I hated science my whole life until this podcast and it has shifted my view of absolutely everything. Bebel, Margaret, everyone who left a review, thank you. Okay, either way, let's get into it. Let's get into me. So we're gonna cover how to prep for a colonoscopy. The best tips from people who have been through this, why one must even prepare for a colonoscopy

but cameras, history, pathology reports, advice from drunk strangers, how a colonoscopy is like a frat house rager and more. This episode might save your life. So come along, let's take the back entrance. In this field trip to my butt, a colonoscopy ride along and how to ding. Let's start in my kitchen the Saturday afternoon

before my Monday morning colonoscopy. Okay, so I was supposed to get a colonoscopy a year ago but I was too busy taking care of my dad who was dying of colon cancer. So, I had the prep and everything and it's been stashed in the CVS bag in a cupboard above my refrigerator for a year. So, let's dig into this and see what the instructions say.

I hope to God I wasn't supposed to start this yesterday. Okay. Oh, boy. Gavillite G. Take as directed one time only as though you're gonna be like, I gotta get me some more of that. I gotta shit my brains out again.

Okay, so this was filled last year. Cool. Okay, so I've had this large paper bag from the pharmacy sitting in the cupboard, stapled shut. It's been above my refrigerator in the cabinet for over a year and I finally cracked it open. You open it up and it's just a gallon. It's a gallon shut.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. This sucks. Okay, it's Gavillite G. There's a lot of polyethylene glycol sodium sulfite. Potassium. Okay.

So, you're supposed to fill to the top of the bottle. You've gotta drink this whole thing? Oh, no. And then it comes with a flavor pack. It's a lemon flavor pack. I guess this part is optional. When it reconstituted the water to a volume of four liters, which is a gallon, so this preparation can be used

with or without the lemon flavor pack. Add lukewarm drinking water to the fill mark on the bottle. No solid food should be consumed for the three to four hour period before drinking the solution, but in no case should a solid food be eaten within two hours. Oh, my God. Drink one eight ounce cup of the solution rapidly every 10 minutes.

A loose, watery bowel movement should result in approximately one hour. Continue drinking until the entire contents for liters have been consumed or as directed by a physician. And it says, note, the solution is more palatable if chilled in the refrigerator before drinking. Wow, I cannot believe how much liquid this is going to be. I don't know why, I think I'm so scared I'm doing the thing

where you start to giggle when you're so scared. Like this is so horrifying to me that it's funny. And I know that it's not actually funny. And if you barf this up or you have dizziness, you're supposed to crawl someone immediately. You may experience some abdominal bloating and distension before the bowels start to move. So don't eat solid foods on the day before your colonoscopy

and until after your colonoscopy. I doubt you're going to be in twilight and be like eating a hoagie or something. Who wants a sandwich? Just like a Philly cheesesteak on the table. Drink only clear liquids. So clear liquids are water, clear fruit juices without pulp like apple, white grape, or white cranberry,

strained limeade or lemonade, coffee or tea without creamer, clear broth, clear soda, gelatin, popsicles without fruit. Do not eat or drink anything colored red or purple. OK, so you don't want to eat anything with red dye in it like red or purple drinks or jello because residue of that can look like blood or a lesion in your intestines. So help the docs out and avoid like fruit punch.

Also, five days before the exam, start a low fiber diet. It's antithetical to everything you know. You want to avoid fruits and veggies and whole grains. So a week before, you're eating mashed potatoes. You're having crackers, et cetera. But the day before the exam, no solid food of any kind. It's just you and the gallon jug plus as much clear broth and jello and clear pulp free juices like apple juice.

So I had an early appointment on a Monday morning, checking in at 7 AM. So I was supposed to start Sunday night, 4 30 PM, and drink half a gallon over two hours. Just chug this thing down the hatch alongside some Dolcolax just for some added action. And then wake up in the middle of the night and drink the other half of the gallon

between 3 and 4 AM, like hours before the procedure. So your timing might be a little different, but the moral here is just take the day off. You're going to be tired. You're going to be peeing out your keyster by design, maybe by accident. I was warned that no farts are to be trusted. Sit on a towel or per the instructions.

You may consider wearing depends at all diapers on the way to your procedure to avoid an accident with your bowel movements. OK. This is fine. They include some FAQs here. Thanks. Why does the solution taste so bad?

A certain concentration of salts and electrolytes is needed to effectively clear the colon. As a result, unfortunately, these solutions do taste bad. And why so salty? So because this sodium and potassium and magnesium sulfate solution is what's called hyperosmotic, that means it sucks water into your intestines to swell up your guts.

And then that causes muscle contractions called peristalsis, which is kind of like pressing the fast forward button on evacuation. So like everybody out. But there are other methods other than this go lightly gallon, though. There's a mirror lax preparation. There are smaller, salty borgs that are just a half gallon.

And then you need to drink an extra liter of water right after. Or you can do salt tablets that you chase with water. But most likely you're going to get this big jug that I got. And that's what insurance will cover. But talk to your doctor if you want the usually more expensive, but less voluminous prep. What they care most about is a clear view

of your personal sewer system. How do I know if I'm clear for the procedure? So this typically occurs after a significant amount of solid dark liquid stool has been eliminated. And then liquid stools become progressively clearer to the point that you can read a newspaper through them. That seems so specific and also not really a metaphor for the digital generation.

And I wondered, who came up with that edict? And I accidentally fell down a porta potty hole of info about John de Ardern, who was a 14th century surgeon known as the father of proctology, who I think used leeches on hemorrhoids and would sometimes have patients swallow a thread. And then when the front end surfaced out of their south port, he would pull it back and forth

to cut out tumors and fistulas, kind of like dental floss for your innards. But I don't think that they had daily newspapers back then or even camera wands in the 1300s. But it turns out that the modern colonoscopy was birthed from scientists at Tokyo University around 1969. Nice. But as for that guideline that you

should be able to read a newspaper through your watery emissions, the closest source that I could find for that was a bunch of articles saying that the proper pasta dough should be thin enough to read a newspaper through. So maybe that oft used colon prep phrase was just the suggestion of an Italian proctologist. I'm not sure, but past the salt and magnesium.

Your colon is six feet long and has a large collection of mucus intestinal fluids, solid and liquid waste. A clean exam is the best way to ensure a high quality procedure. Colorectal cancer is typically the second or third leading cause of cancer mortality in the US. I mean, trust me, no matter what happens or how much I'm on the toilet or how disgusting this stuff is,

it's not as bad as having fucking colon cancer or so. So most doctors suggest regular screening to start at age 45. But if you have a family history of colorectal cancer, you may need to get screened as early as your teenage years. And if you have IBS or colitis or celiac or something, you might be in there for totally different reasons. So I figured a lot of people might need to do this. The best advice would come from someone who's already

been through it. So I did the sanest thing that a chill person can do. And I brought a recording device to a bar on a Saturday night to ask strangers about their butts, I think. OK, now that I'm getting ready to park, I'm getting nervous. It's very crowded and everyone looks attractive. So maybe this is a bad idea.

Am I a buzzkill? I might as well, who the fuck cares? People love to help. Hey, how are you? What are you doing here? Seconds into this. And I run into people I know from my years as a newspaper journalist.

They are hip, young, they're wearing cool clothes, such as leather jackets. I did not anticipate this. Can I see some more familiar faces in the audience? Stop it. Oh, my gosh. I just saw you on TikTok the other day. Oh, no.

The algorithm said alley war. Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm not good at that. No, you're actually pretty good at it. It's funny I should see you guys here. I am not here to meet up with anyone. I'm here completely alone. I think you're here to meet up with us.

Here's the deal. Husbands at a town is at a bachelor party. I have a colonoscopy on Monday. And I'm doing an episode, like a field trip episode. I'm like, as long as I'm going to go get my butt probed, I'm going to produce. I'm going to produce. And I was like, I wonder if anyone would give me

advice on the colonoscopy. I've never had one. That's why I know. I was like, I need to tell you. I should have. No, I need to get one. Chadwick died at 35. They say 40.

But a lot of people are dying at 30, 30, 30. I know. It's coming down. The butt cancer. I feel like I should get up there. You and I are the same shit. I'm with you. I don't want to get this thing at all.

And then I was like, no one does. So maybe a gift from the world can be anyone. I have a question for you. TMZ. Yes. This is being recorded. But I can strike anything from the record. Have you ever had a colonoscopy?

I have. Do you have any advice for anyone who's getting one? Go to Beth Israel. Go to Beth Israel? That's your only advice? What if they don't have that help plan? What if? You're fucked.

Have you actually had a colonoscopy? I can't be saying it. He can't be saying it. OK. So go to a hospital you trust. All right. That's what we're going to glean from this. Have you guys ever had a colonoscopy?

No, thank god. No. Move it along. I ventured inside toward the bar. So I defeated. I just got in line. And I bought a white wine for courage. And it was a clear liquid.

This is the right option. This is the right thing. This is the right option. I lurked toward the back patio to ask strangers about their buttholes. But I stumbled into a whole birthday party in full swing. I don't want to encroach. Oh, wow.

Happy birthday. I'm not excited. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday. Did you get anything good? Not at all. I got nothing. No one wants to talk to me about their buttholes.

Honestly. Then I met an angel. Oh, wait. Have you had a colonoscopy before? Never. OK, this is your first time. So then I would use the prep that they give you. But I would go to the store.

I would go, if you can tolerate it, seltzer water. How is that on your gut? Great. Good. OK. So get PDLite. OK. They have tons of flavors.

I typically like the berry, you know, the berry tropical flavors. They are a little bit less sweet. OK. But I cut it. I still cut it. And I make kind of like a mocktail about it with seltzer water.

Just because like I actually have IBS and like a really bad history of gut health. So that just helps cut it. But if you don't have seltzer, just do like regular water with some ice. Cut it. But I would use the prep and the PDLite. I wouldn't just do the prep.

OK. It's just like, it's gross. And I'm not going to lie, just drinking that for like, I mean, what, like 24 hours? Yeah. And you'll be going to the restroom a lot. So don't make any plans. We're just going to have to be.

No, but truly, we're going to be nesting. I wouldn't eat a too big, wait, Monday. So today. Tomorrow's my prep day. Tomorrow's your prep day. Because I was going to say, you don't want to eat heavily for your last meal. Yeah.

Because then that will make the day before worse, obviously. Yeah. I mean, a lot of people just use the prep and they're fine. OK. From my experience, I just like PDLite better, had a little bit more taste. And also, it kind of like gives you something to switch off.

And then for after the procedure, I would get another extra bottle of PDLite and some Gatorade. Just anything with electrolytes. So if that's coconut water, whatever, bone broth. Bone broth is great. Just like really like nourishing things for the gut, you know? OK, since your body is gathering up a bunch of your water

and just forcing it out. Like a poop hole power washer. You are going to lose electrolytes, which will make you feel like death and can be potentially bad for you. So replenish during the colonoscopy prep and then after it's all done. There's now this Gatorade series that is like in a square bottle that has less sugar and more electrolytes.

So if you go the Gatorade route, I would do that. But if you can, PDLite is always my go-to. Thank you for that advice. Of course. Confidence up, I approached a small gaggle of college-aged, athletic-looking hunks. Everyone's been like, there's some girl like asking about colonoscopy.

Fuck. I have not had a colonoscopy. No one's had a colonoscopy. You get a camera up your body. One guy's wife had had a colonoscopy. He knew the deal. How was the prep? Did she disappear into a toilet for two days?

Yeah. Yes. Yes, she had to like drink this fucking weird shit. So they gave you like a prescription of some shit. The shape. And that's all you can drink for two days. I dropped her off, and I picked her up, and she was like, that was kind of weird.

I felt it. Go into my butthole, and then I fell asleep. And it went perfectly. I saw this TikTok where this woman was like, asked her nurse. She's like, is today a good day to have butt sex or not? And her nurse is like, it's actually not. So in her head, it was just mega-poppers? I think so.

I will say that one of those guys turned out to be an oligies listener. And then we sent a video to his brother. So I may have redeemed myself. Hey, but let's circle back real quick just to butt sex. Sorry, everyone. Turn this down if your mom or my mom is listening, whatever. But public service announcement.

So you don't have to have surgical grade colon cleansing to have fun things up your butt. Realistically, penetrating for playtime only happens in the lower end of the colon, the sigmoid portion. And unless you are like actively retaining a turd in there, the rectum should be clear of poop because all of that is housed a bit farther up in the colon. But there exist anal douches.

Some of them very sexy looking. They're like a rubber bulb. And they also make shower head butt cleaning nozzles. And I look this up for us. And the general proctological protocol is to put a leg on the toilet or do it in the shower, take lukewarm water, suck it in the bulb, squeeze the air out, and then intro that into the bum and squirt the water.

But not too much water and not too far or you're gonna hit the storage area. You feel me? So a couple of times, not too much water, not too forcefully. Then to the toilet or I guess the shower you go, let it out, repeat a couple of times until things are solid free. However, you can upset the balance of your poop shoot

and you can wash out protective slippery stuff in there. And also things can continue to drip or bubble out for about half an hour. So in researching this for us, I paid a visit to the Reddit forum Ask Gay Bros. And one person who's a nurse and a bottom said that the best way to douche is not at all, eat a high fiber diet the day before

you're planning on bottoming. And the day of, have a satisfactory BM, then hop in the tub and sit in some warm water, let your muscles loosen up, gently insert either your pointer or middle finger into your butthole, swirl it around and bring it out and clean out your finger. Other folks said,

so that's another way, not enough for colonoscopy, but if you're thinking about butt sex, advice from an elder. Other folks said that psyllium husk or metamucil and staying hydrated will naturally keep things tidy for your anal adventures. Go slow, if you love it, lube it and be safe. HPB is a sexually transmitted infection

that can cause anal cancer. So consider that another good reason to wrap it up. So you don't need medical grade colonoscopy prep for butt fun. And also the day of your colonoscopy is not a good time for that. But the biggest lesson here is never ever equate a medical procedure with a sexual identity

or with behavior that you think your community would frown on. First off, consenting adults can do whatever they want and it's none of anyone's business. Secondly, these like long held stigmas against parts of your own body could kill you if you're too shy or ashamed to get a screening. And also, being afraid of your own butt hole is a senseless deprivation of free fun.

See the urology and sexology episode for more anal stuff and prostate milking. You're welcome. It's your house. You deserve to use the back door anyway you like. But yes, in all, I got good advice from one person. I made some new friends. I made others uncomfortable.

But hopefully this episode will find them when they need it. But I feel like you maybe have kicked me in the ass enough to know that I should probably be getting it. And you know what? When you do, there'll be an episode waiting for you. All the tips and tricks. So armed with advice and maybe too much Googling, I went to Target the next morning.

My official prep day before the procedure to stock up on celtic water and electrolytes, things to flavor my water like those mio drops, dolcolax per the doctor's orders. I got some probiotics. I got some mega rolls of the softest toilet paper and diapers. And I had a full cart.

And I looked up from my gruesome shopping list to see a man I had dated over 10 years ago. And he was with his beautiful blonde wife and their two perfect children. And we all made eye contact. And I offered a quick, hey man, how's it going? You guys have a great day, okay?

And then I ducked into the soup aisle and I sprinted to the checkout. I went so like I was on Guy Fieri's grocery games. I want to take it to the judges. I got home. I unloaded my loot. After the break, we're gonna taste us them. But first, a quick word from sponsors of the show

who make it possible to donate to a cause each week. And this week, I'm doing something a little different. A close, close friend of mine actually was just diagnosed with colon cancer, early 40s. He has three kids and is getting surgery on April 17th. So the money that we'd send to a charity, I'm just gonna send his way to help with whatever he needs to be a little bit more comfortable.

So thanks to sponsors of the show. Okay, let's grab my gallon for a vacation to Toilet Town. This is pretty much like a, how does the jug with the kid's drink, a board? Just a quick side. So a board stands for a blackout rage gallon. And it's something that the youth are doing for their nocturnal social festivities.

So you take a gallon of water, you pour some out, and then you add your alcohol of choice, then flavorings, electrolyte or vitamin packs, and you shake it up and then you give it a name, like sourdough starter, you can write it in Sharpie. And I know carrying a blackout rage gallon, having your own borg, it sounds terrifying to people who are like imagining their children in college,

carrying 128 ounces of blackout rage tonic. But when compared to yesteryear's rubber-made trash cans full of mystery jungle juice, a borg can be a really good thing for harm reduction. It can ensure hydration, it sets an upper threshold of alcohol consumption, it's got a sealed lid that's less likely to be spiked or drugged, and people can choose not to add any alcohol,

and no one will know or judge. So thanks, Gen Z, you're fixing everything. Now that I'm thinking of it as a borg, I'm actually excited about it. I feel like I got a lot of the items a person borging might get, like the electrolyte, drops. I definitely purchased more diapers than your average tailgater.

I gotta name my borg. Why are there shits? I'm just so stoked about getting hydrated if this weren't immediately coming out of my anus. Here are some of our options. So I'm gonna do this unflavored, and I'm gonna try a couple different flavorings. We good?

It's gonna be so fun, I'm so excited. This is gonna be delicious. I got some little glasses, and I lined them up for a taste test, a flight, if you will. So I got some crystal light, I got some of this Mio stuff, which I've seen people put in their borgs.

And then this comes with this flavor pack of lemon, which I hear is like pretty gross, but I'm gonna try a little bit of it in one of the cups. I will say, from my experience of having a few people in my life die of colon cancer, no matter what this tastes like, it's better than getting colon cancer, because here's the thing.

If you get colon cancer, you have to do this even more. You're better off doing it one time, having them snip off the polyp, and then having to do this every time your cancer returns. Okay, let's raw dog it first, just unflavored, straight up. Let's see what we're dealing with. Okay.

Here it is, plain, okay? Baj-mujam. It tastes like salty plastic. Let's try this Mio flavoring, which comes in a little bottle that you squeeze. And remember, nothing red or purple. I got like a lemon lime flavor. Oh, this is too much, I used too much.

Oh God, it tastes like a gas station bathroom cleaner. Clearly my percentage is off, so. I can do this though, this is not as gross as I thought. The fear was definitely worse than the Flaves. Just me, an medically issued gallon jug of salt water that I'm cradling in my arms. Thanks for helping me clean my colon. All right, I'm already feeling some rumblings.

I can do this. I've had cocktails that taste a lot worse than this. It, this tastes like margarita mix actually. Like if you have a lot of salt on the rim, it's pretty much just a virgin margarita that will make you absolutely like shake your organs out. Okay, let's try it with the pharmacy-issued lemon flavor packet, in which I have no faith.

Oh, that's not good, no, no, no, no, I don't like that. That tastes like licking velvet. It's got a viscosity that doesn't please me. Okay, so we tried the plain, we tried the mio and the prescription-issued flavor packet. Now let's try a sample with some crystal light lemonade and see if we can do this. That's so far the winner, that's good, I can do this.

I'm gonna put it over more ice. Down the hatch, babes, down the hatch and out the hole. So after all that fuss, all that complaining, all the whining, all the fear, all the talking to strangers, it was so much easier than I expected. I drank the salty lemonade, I alternated

with a few quarts of to-go pho broth from a local Vietnamese place, which was clutch, 10 out of 10. Get some of your favorite to-go broth, definitely worth it. And yeah, yeah, I spent some time on the toilet, all right? But not as much as I thought at all. And I think the low fiber diet in the week proceeding and the really light meals on Saturday helped my Sunday prep day.

And then I got to pig out afterward. So definitely consider that if you can. So then it was off to the appointment early Monday morning. Here we go, it's showtime. Okay, I'm in the hospital. 7.45 a.m. I'm wearing diapers, full disclosure. I didn't chance it.

And now I'm getting into my hospital gown. I'm in a room with a bunch of screens. I think this is where the magic happens. My gown's very open in the back, commando underneath it. I could keep my socks on though, not rules. Oh yeah, yeah, wait. This is not an easy way to earn a nap.

I gotta say better to just take a nap. There are one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight screens in this room. I'm gonna see some shit, hopefully not any real shit. Okay, they're gonna dose me up soon. I really should have left it rolling. And TBH, I was worried that it was illegal. So they pumped just a few little vials into my IV

and like within a minute, I started to go night night. Right as I was going out, I was like, whoops, there's a chilly lubed up tube going right up my bongus. And I was like, oh, I thought you'd wait till I was fully out, but okay. I didn't miss the big moment. But, and I kind of, I was out pretty much completely.

I kind of roused a few times during being like, whoo, it was like just having like a really gentle dream about curious aliens. Before I knew it, it was all over. It happened in a flash and I was just groggily coming back to life. All right, I did it. I'm hooked up to some monitors and machines.

I think they gave me propo fentanyl. Not sure, but it was definitely naptime. Couple times in the middle of it, I was like, well, definitely some people love my butt right now, but I'm so hungry. And they snipped off a pallop and they said, see you in five years, lady. And now I guess I put on the diaper I came in with

and I go get something delicious. See how they are? It really wasn't that bad. The drugs help. Crystallite and fentanyl, whatever they've got me on, those are the real VIPs. So it turns out, according to my post procedure report, I was actually on a combination of myperidine and medazolam.

And according to the 2020 study, comparison of fentanyl versus myperidine in combination with medazolam for sedative colonoscopy in Korea, fentanyl will knock you out faster but has a longer recovery time like an extra 10 minutes. Also, my post report had pictures of my colon and that was a great souvenir.

And it said that my colon prep was excellent. However, here's the news you're waiting for. They did find a polyp up there, a two millimeter growth way far into my large intestine. And the beauty of the colonoscopy is that they can snip those little ones out as long as they're in there. So you get a twofer, you get a bogo there.

And they did and they sent it to pathology and it came back. Pre-cancerous. So your girl did her homework, drank her Borg, had an intestinal exorcism and then saved her own life by getting that thing plucked like a little lint ball before it turned into a colon poltergeist. So all's well that ends well.

In all, it was way easier to prep than I thought. The procedure was fine. I didn't even need the diapers I was wearing and I got rid of something that could have turned into cancer in a few years. But I do have to go back in five years. Also, when it was over, because you're not allowed to drive for the day,

Jared picked me back up and we went to a diner and I got a breakfast burrito and I was so hungry. I also got banana pancakes and it was the tastiest meal I can remember. So ask not what your butt can do for you but what you can do for your butt. Get screened if you need to, drive a friend to theirs, eat well, get your checkups,

treat your bod like the friend that it is. Now, thank you for coming along on this journey with me. It wasn't an easy one to make. It's a little vulnerable, but I hope it helps someone. And honestly, if you have to get a colonoscopy, do not be afraid of it. It's not as bad at all as anyone says. Just throw some lemon crystal light in there,

chug it down, get a book, you know? Good luck and let me know how it goes. I'll post pictures of my Borg on Instagram at oligies. We're also on Twitter at oligies. I'm on Instagram and Twitter at alleyward and on TikTok at alley underscore oligies. Thank you to Aaron Talbert who admins the oligies podcast Facebook group

with assist from Shannon Feltas and Body Dutch. Thank you to Emily White of the Wordery who makes professional transcripts. Smologies are available. They're short, kid friendly versions up at alleyword.com slash Smologies. That is linked in the show notes. Thank you to Mercedes Maitland

and Secret Rodriguez-Thomas for working on those. Susan Hale handles oligiesmerch.com which has shirts and hats and bags and totes and all kinds of things and she does so much more. Noel Dilworth does our scheduling including scheduling and rescheduling my colonoscopy. Kelly R. Dwyer makes our website. Mercedes Maitland usually leads edits

but other medical news, she is COVID struck this week. So send her your good vibes as well and stepping in for her and hauling my actual ass to the hospital for this episode, the hunk-tacular Jarrett Sleeper who himself got a colonoscopy not the same day but previous to mine and was adorable waking up from fentanyl.

Nick Thorburn wrote the music and if you stick around I'll tell you a secret and like this whole episode was TMI and I don't think anyone is hungry for MI but in case you are, this one's from my dad. I remember he finally did have to get a colonoscopy and he had to take the prep and everything and I remember him saying my dad was a very reserved person

that didn't talk about this to me much clearly but I remember him saying that he's like, man, I saw a sandwich I ate in 1973 and it made me laugh and I thought about that and I hope that that stays with you. And so if you need to get a colonoscopy, do it for my dad. I miss him every day.

You can do this, you got this. We're behind you. Okay, bye-bye. Just let it out. Good.