On Display with Melissa Gorga - Let's Talk About Sex (w/ Emily Morse from "Sex with Emily")

Episode Date: September 21, 2023

It's something we've all been a little uncomfortable talking about, but not today. She hosts her own podcast, "Sex with Emily" and now Emily Morse is On Display to talk about all things sex. What's the importance of different sex drives? How can you hurdle sexual rejection from your partner? Why does "faking it" not fix things? What's the best way to communicate your sexual needs? Melissa and Emily cover this and so much more in an educational chat that will help us all improve our "Sex IQ".   Be sure to grab a copy of Emily's latest book: Smart Sex, available now! This week's sponsors: Angi - Skilled Professionals Just a Tap Away: Angi.com Apartments.com - The Place to Find a Place: Apartments.com OSEA - Undaria Exfoliate and Glow Duo: Oseamalibu.com, promo code: DISPLAY (10% off) PlutoTV - True-Crime TV: Pluto.tv Progressive - Name-Your-Price Tool: Progressive.com Shopify - Revolutionize Your Business: Shopify.com/melissa ($1 per-month trial) 

I just want everyone to know I'm staring at a fake vagina, wishbone and it's amazing. Go ahead, keep going. So this is um, oh, and then this one. Hold on. What's up guys? How is everyone today? Welcome to another episode of on display and another horse, Melissa Gorga. Yes, my show is not always about housewives. Let me just tell you, you guys are going to love this one because today we're talking about sex, sex, sex.

That's right. We're talking about sex and all the uncomfortable questions that you're scared to ask and you don't want to ask. And I am going to ask all the questions for you today. I'm going to get all the uncomfortable answers for you. We are going to talk about sex. We're going to talk about orgasms. We are going to talk about everything in between. So you do not want to miss this episode. Okay, so let's not take any more time. I'm going to pull her on onto the show right now. I have with me one of the leading experts in sex and sexuality. She hosts the amazing podcast Sex with Emily that I know a ton of my listeners are ready listen to

and she has a new book out and it's called Smart Sex which it's all about improving your sexual IQ and we're gonna get all into that today. Okay, this is gonna be an uncomfortable, yet amazing podcast. Ladies and gentlemen, I have Dr. Emily Morse with me today. What's up, lady? Hi.

I'm so excited to be here. I'm so excited to have you. I know we tried to do this like a couple times and we've had to reschedule each of us a couple times. So I'm so happy. I'm finally having my sex podcast. Exactly. Me too.

It has been a long time. I think we've had like a lot of foreplay leading up to this new and I never met. Even trying to make it happen. Now we're here. It's been a great build up. Yes. Oh, there you go. See, you just, you just die right in.

I see how that goes. Okay. Great. First, I want to ask you, tell me a little bit about your background. Like, how does one just say, like, hey, I'm a sex expert. Like, how does this happen?

Okay, it's such a good question. So it happened because, Melissa, I was the opposite of a sex expert because I was in my mid-30s. I was having sex. I was, you know, a sexual person pretty open sexually, but I found that my sex was not satisfying. I wasn't having orgasms, I wasn't having a lot of pleasure, but where I, the way I grew

up and I came to find out that many of you grew up this way was, I didn't have a lot of sex education. I thought that great sex meant that my partner, that my male partners, you know, were having a good time and they had an orgasm. And as a result of that, like, I thought I was broken because I'm not a bad person, I'm not a bad person. I was like, I'm not a bad person, I'm not a bad person. I was like, I'm not a bad person. I was like, I'm not a bad person. I was like, I'm not a bad person. I was like, I'm not a bad person.

I was like, I'm not a bad person. I was like, I'm not a bad person. I was like, I'm not a bad person. I was like, I'm not a bad person. I was like, I'm not a bad person. I was like, I'm not a bad person. I was like like I would be a great thing to figure out. So I could be a great lover to my partners. And then what I started asking the questions is almost 20 years ago, I realized that a lot of people were in the same boat.

It's actually women. They were like, I'm thinking orgasm too or it doesn't feel as good to me or I'm having pain and I don't know what makes great sex. So that was when my path started. I thought I really want to figure out how to, how to, you know, have great sex. What that actually means. And so I started a podcast, you know, 18 years ago and went back to grad school, got my doctorate human sexuality and I've been doing it ever since. So that's the journey.

The journey went from bad sex to wanting to have great sex. Here we are today. Wow. I mean, do you find it like, do you always find it pretty easy helping others? I mean, like, it's just a pretty private conversation that people get like, you always find it pretty easy helping others? I mean, like it's just a pretty private conversation that people get like, you know, they feel like they're shy when you're gonna talk about sex or sexuality.

Like do you find it easy to help others or is this difficult thing to do? Oh, I really find it. I love what I do. I love my job and I've been doing it for so long that I really, it's really, but some people get to me with their question and they're able to get through the shame because what's keeps us from talking about, like the reason why it is awkward and uncomfortable

is because most of us grew up in environments where there's a lot of shame around it. People told us not to talk about it. If we have to talk about sex, it means that it's not great sex, like it means it's going to ruin it. So when they get to me and they have questions, I'm so grateful and so honored to be able to help people. So, and I pretty much have the answer. I feel like after this much time, I can answer any sex question. So knowing that I can be of service to people is really one of my, one of my great joys. And I know how to, I know that I can meet people where they're at, right? Like I know that people are, I know that it's hard. So a lot of what I do actually is getting

people to feel comfortable talking about it, like me like, it's okay. I got you. It's private. And then once they get over that, you know, people are pretty happy. We had the chat. Okay. Well, we're going to talk about it today because I have so many questions for you. Obviously, you know who I'm married to, right? So I have a lot of questions, and it's so funny, even like some of the things you were just saying, I do know a lot of women and a lot of people who would explain it as painful, they don't enjoy it as much as the man does,

and the whole orgasm thing and why isn't working for me, and I wanna get into all of the nitty gritty with you because I am curious. And it's like an uncomfortable subject. But I feel like all my listeners out there want to hear this from you. So we're going to ask you. But first, I need to tell everyone, you are also, you were like a guest host, right, with Dr. Drew for Love Line. How was that? How was it working with him? I love Dr. Drew. He's become like a very dear friend of mine. But when I started my podcast, so get this.

Like I started my podcast in 2005. There was nobody but Dr. Rose, as you mentioned, and then love line with Dr. Drew, which honestly, Melissa, it was on for 30, 38 years love line. He started in the 80s. And so I was such a fan of Drew and the pod and love line, Dr. Drew. And so I moved to Los Angeles like 10 years ago and they were like looking for a female co-host that I went in and I met him and and and we really hit it off. So

yeah, we such an honor to work with him. And now literally I consider he and his wife are like, we travel together like they're very good friends of mine. So working with Drew was truly an honor and I learned a lot from him. Yeah, he's fantastic. So yeah, it's OG, like it was like their original, you know? Yes, it was like. Yes, and he's cute. Like everybody knows Dr. Drew, love all of that.

That's like, such, that's so great for you. I mean, did you have anybody ever call in? What was like the most shocking guest call in that you've had while you were co-hosting anything crazy. That's see, I didn't even crazy. Oh, you know, it's so fun of you to ask me that there's nothing that, okay, so I have to say this, there's nothing that surprises me for. There's nothing sexually where I'm like, I can't believe you did that or I can't believe

that you, you know, nothing's that shocking, but I'll never forget the guy. There was a guy who said that he was in a relationship. I'm trying to remember the story. He was feeling, it's not even gonna be, it's not even about sex, but he was told his girlfriend that he was a doctor. And he said that he really loved her so much. And so he dressed up every day for like three years

their relationship in scrubs every morning and left the house in scrubs and like, what came out when you, like, had a totally different job. I think he was like working at grocery store or something that would stick so random. And then he would have to put the scrubs on again. And I don't know why that stuck to me

because it stuck to this point that we can't be ourselves in so many ways. I'm like, what that took for you really to like, not feel good about who you are and what you do in the world. And so, well, that's a real journey. John move, isn't it? I mean, that's a journey.

John little, it's a little manipulation. I don't know how much it has to do with sex, right? But like, Well, nothing, because nothing scares, nothing freaks me out. OK, here's another shot. Here's one that maybe is more of a sexual thing. This was a love line, but this was during the pandemic.

And I used to have a show in Serious XM for many years, a call in shows. People would call him and people. And I still do sex with Emily as a call and so we wouldn't call into sex with Emily do the podcast. But this guy called in and this is me want the pandemic right when we're told like don't you know if you have sex with a stranger wear a mask. Don't even have sex with all these things going on this guy was like I'm living in I think he was living in the South he he was living like in Arkansas.

And he's like, you know, my wife and I, we really wanted to expand and we've met these people online and now we're having, not like a swinging type, but we're having like a for some. Like they met, they had other couples that were coming over it and there was like eight of them

and they were having like a big sex party to house to be like, wanted to know what they should do and how they should play. I'm like, it's a global pandemic. This is not a time, but anyway, they were like having, I don't know, they were having like a big sex party. Like, you know, I guess when the world's people feel like the world's ending, they're going to have a sex party. But I did find during the pandemic that people were, you know, really much more open.

The great thing is like for sex business, people were much more open. People if they didn't get divorced during the pandemic, they decided that it was a time to work on their relationship in their sex life. And they decided that if we, because of many people, as you probably know, Melissa, aren't having great sex. People are together for 10 years, 50 years. And this is the thing about my show. I think that people feel that for many times, people call in and they say, you know, I've never told anyone this Emily, but I'm gonna tell you this. My partner and I have been together and we've never talked about sex.

And it's so common. Most people haven't talked about sex in like a healthy way. Either they're like, are we gonna have sex? Or did we have sex? Or when should we have sex? But they don't talk about actually what feels good and pleasure.

And so a lot of my listeners are like, I'm talking about it for the very first time with me because they want to know, what could I do to please my partner? How do we have sex more often? How do we keep it interesting? And so, and I think during the pandemic, even more so people thought, either we're going to get divorced or we're going to work on our sex life and make it even better. That's what I thought.

I noticed that with just a couple of friends of mine too. First of all, everyone wanted to work out and have sex. That's what it was all about. Like, exactly workout and have sex all day. It's like, you know, right. I think the pandemic was great for a lot of people actually. Right. I mean, or make bread, but right.

Right. Yes. And you're right. Or they were divorced like the second they were able to go back to a bar or whatever it was. What about being compared to like the Dr. Ruth of the new generation? Do we like this title? I mean, that's pretty incredible title, right?

To be compared to? Yeah, no, I have to say that the reason why I like it is because Dr. Ruth is like 90 right now. Right. And she's still the soul. So, you know, I have, you know, but she's still talking about sex. But the reason why I appreciate that

is because if you think about it, she was the first person that I ever heard talk about sex, and she was like the only one, and she was such a pioneer, and she made sex, you know, more mainstream, maybe sexes are talk about. So the fact that there's really nobody else, maybe Dr. Drew, or maybe, you know, the, the Kininsies, I mean, such a, in the late 50s, Alfred Kinsey, sort of the kinsie institute at Indian University. But before that, nobody ever really talked about it. So to be compared to Dr. Ruth and to be, you know, people are comfortable with that and I know she is, I'm down, I'm okay with that. It's definitely time to start thinking about rejuvenating your skin from the effects

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All lowercase. Go to Shopify.com slash Melissa to take your business to the next level today. Shopify.com slash Melissa. T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T- I want to talk about sex a little bit. I mean, this may be like a very basic question, but I think we all want to hear, we want to hear from someone with your expertise and your credentials. So, and this is like a conversation, I feel like I have all the time with my girlfriends

and just with couples in general. But let me just ask you this, like how important is sex? Like, and I know you're probably going to say it's more important in certain situations, right? So if you're coupled opposed to when you're single, just how important is sex? No, it's not, listen, there are no silly questions and there's no common questions when it comes to sex because I want to remind you that literally no one talks about it. So thank you

for having me on your show because it is really brave. It still is a very like taboo subject. So no people, people don't like that's completely understanding question that we just want to know about like how, how important it's sex, why does sex matter? So here's the thing about it is that if you're not having sex with your partner, well then you're roommates, right? So in a way, we need sex is to that shows that you are connected. There's intimacy. There's connection. It's like, it's the hormones that connect you. That's the thing that we need, right? The feel good hormones that spark whenever you have sex like the oxytocin and the dopamine and the serotonin. And usually there's one person in the relationship after time that could once less sex than the other partner.

And in every relationship, there's a high desire partner and a low desire partner. And so I just want you to what everyone does. I hope that makes everyone just breathe a sigh of relief. If there's nothing wrong with them, because usually the two high desire partners and the two low desire partners don't meet up. They don't match up. So there's a lot of that. Why don't they don't say they don't because it's just like what opposites attract or up because it's like,

because you need somebody to be desiring and you need somebody to be the leader and somebody follows and that's what creates sexual attraction. The polarity of attraction is that there's somebody leading somebody falling. So if you both want at the same time, it just doesn't create that spark and that energy. You need some kind of,

somebody needs to be like asking for one day, going for the other person. Joe would say like, I'm a tiger in the woods and I see a bunny hopping. And I just need to go for the butt. Like, these are the kind of things that like my husband would say. But I agree with you, like it is better when someone is desiring another person a little bit more. Is that always a better

scenario? Yeah, no, I just, it's just the scenario that happens. Like there's someone who's going to be leading initiating and somebody's following because you're both initiating that's not nothing can happen there. So it's like the, the, um, the polarity of like magnets to like a plus and a minus. You need to someone, you know, in my book smart sex, I talk about about energy and attraction, the positive and the negative force. So yeah, there's always somebody who wants it. And so, but it is important in relationships. So what I often hear though from people is that there's usually one person like, oh, I don't need it. We've had enough sex. We've been together long enough because they just It's like, oh, I don't need it. We've had enough sex.

We've been together long enough because they just don't have that same desire they had at the beginning, because after you're with someone for a while, it takes more of an effort. So what I really try to do is number, there's a few things I try to do that make sex a little bit easier to understand from people. The one thing is I wanna normalize it,

especially for women, to understand that our desire isn't like men. This is where we're different, okay? So if you're, so if you're part of it, so Joe is attracted to it, you know when he's turned on, right? Because he gets an erection. You can see it. It's external. You're like, oh, I guess you want to have sex right now.

This happens when we're with a man. It's external. They get spontaneously get aroused. He sees you. He's ready for women. We typically get a rouse. It's something called responsive desire. So my name is spontaneous.

They spontaneous get a rouse. We need other things. So what I try to do is help women understand, what do they actually need to be turned on? What has to happen? How do we work backwards from that? Think about like, for example, do you need to make sure the house is clean?

Does it, do you need to make sure the house is clean? Does it? Do you need to have a really hot conversation first? Do you need to have worked out that day? Do you have to have felt like that you guys maybe you guys have a great conversation together or you share a certain activity? Maybe you work out together. So I have this thing called the desire inventory where people can figure out they go to sex with Emily dot com or they read the book smarts act. So you can figure out what do I actually so they can kind of hack it what do I need to be around

we might need dirty talk for play you know just all of these things need to lead up to when most women don't spontaneously get ready for sex get turned on so that also helps us feel pretty good to say like oh I'm not broken I need to understand what I need, what needs to happen. So I will be ready for sex. Right. Like for instance, Joe could be doing nothing and I have nowhere like I'm literally pushing the coffee machine on and it's just he just decides like it's time to have sex. I don't know where and I'm looking at him dead in the eyes like absolutely not like what are there is no part of me right now that wants to walk up the stairs and have sex like Where did you eat like what did this even come from but he it's just so spontaneous and so crazy And it almost makes me say sometimes like do I need to take like a special pill that's gonna make me horny more like what's

Happening here and why does he always in the mood like it can be this stupidest thing and he's like let's go upstairs I'm like what like we're in the middle of Like it can be the stupidest thing and he's like, let's go upstairs. And I'm like, what? Like we're in the middle of having a conversation. And for me, and I don't know about this with all women, but like I get turned on by different things. Like you look, if you look really good in an outfit, if I love the clothing turns me on. If I like what you're wearing, if you come down, if you smell really good, if you're cologne, like, if I got a wiff of your cologne, that could work for me. Like things like that. Hey Melissa, I love this.

So do you tell him that? Like does he know what it is? Like if he knew, he'll be wearing suits though to breakfast is the problem, or whatever it is. He'll be like, showing up with cologne at night, every night, you're like, babe, not every day. But see, this is good Melissa that you know this. This is what I want women to think about it for a minute

because most of them are like, I don't even know what it is. So even just to know which those few things or it could also be like, baby, I'll never be in the mood over coffee, right? Just saying like, and I tell my partner like, I'm like, to my boyfriend, I'm like, I'm not gonna be like a Tuesday night at 11.

I'm already exhausted. I'm sleeping. Don't try. So why I tell couples like, you got to figure it out together and maybe you know like Saturday morning, the kids are activities where we have a babysitter or like find out what times a day, what times a week work because otherwise if couples wanted it different times and the sex never happens, this is why we need couples to schedule sex and to say like Saturday

night is the night or Saturday that we have sex because then First off one partner's not feeling rejected all week They're not like oh, I'm gonna try and Tuesday. I'm gonna try and Wednesday because they know what's happening Saturday so then you don't have to like uh-oh here's Joe's gonna want to have sex again Like because then and then he doesn't feel rejected so you just get to kind of troubleshoot it Maybe it's two days a week And then you know well if we agreed that it's gonna be our date night and the kids are out, down, gone,

or those babysitter, well then you can think about most of like, okay, well I know I wanna shave, I wanna wear the sexy outfit, the sex toys are charged. Like whatever it is that you need has to all be ready to go. And then you kick it out, because there's a lot of things that have to happen.

I don't know about you, but for me, like there's a lot of things that have to be right for me to be in the mood for sex. Like I just, yeah, I mean, I think when we, like more when you're dating, when you're married for as long as I am, I'm like, I'm not shaving my legs. None of this is happening.

Right, let's, yeah. I'm always pretty like, you know, tidy. I'm always pretty on point, but let me ask you this. So you're saying you do like a schedule. It is good to make a schedule or to know like Saturday night is sex night.

That's a good thing. That's a good thing for couples overall. And most people say that is the least, that is the most least sexy thing I've ever heard. Like I don't really like that. Yeah, I know. I know. People don't want to look at their phone

and be like pick up the kids at soccer, dry cleaning, like sex, because it's not the calendar, it's not hot. But why I know it works is because for many couples, and again, I am not speaking to every couple, we're all so different. For many couples, knowing that it's set, they can look forward to it. They don't have to worry about it happening other times. And then they can sort of plan around it.

And they know what's happening. It takes pressure off of it. The rejection part of it. The rejection part of it. Yes. That's a big one. I just got any a question for my listener who was like, I literally have phobia right now around asking a part of her sex because they ever rejected me so many times. And now my self confidence is down. Right. And I never. And so. And so I just realized that for all these years and talking a little and millions of people, that for many couples, the notion of scheduling it and planning it, knowing when it's going to happen is actually way sexier than never having sex and having resentments build up. Because most of us believe that sex has to be spontaneous, and for a lot of

couples spontaneous sex just doesn't work because then it will never happen. Agreed. So that's where I think it does go couple to couple and you have to figure out what works for you, right? Because if I'm out to dinner sometimes and Joe's like warning me in some which kind of way where he's like, oh, tonight, like, oh, we're gonna go home tonight. Oh, it's gonna happen to, I'm like,

I'm instantly like, no, no, no, no, stop giving me a warning. Like, I don't want the warning. I'm more of like the, oh, you tapped me at 3 a.m. in the middle of the night. And so like, okay, that was fun. Like, I don't want a warning ever. And if you've warned me that like we're going to go home and have sex, now I don't feel like having sex anymore. That's good that you know that that's you.

Okay, say that, that is you. But sometimes I totally know what you're saying about that too, because that can be annoying. You're like, ah, now that's what I'm thinking about. And that wasn't what I was like. I was being very present. Why did you just jump to the future? And I'm tired.

And I don't know. Yeah. But you just made it a job. You just told me I have to. Like I want to do, I want to have sex when I want to, not when I have to. Right? Like not when it's on the schedule. So, but I get what you're saying.

Like if you're in a relationship where, you know, it when it's on the schedule. So, but I get what you're saying. Like if you're in a relationship where, you know, it's not happening all the time. There's lots of kids. It can't be as spontaneous to know like, all right, I'm not going to get rejected and try this all week long. But like Saturday, she usually makes some time for me. So we'll just I'll wait for that. That I can see that giving people ease, right? Yeah, absolutely. It's nuanced. I just like to give a ton of information, but it's a ton of different hacks so people can figure out,

but nothing's gonna work for everybody. But the general problems are that couples can't quite figure out the right times and get on the same page, so that might work. There's been times when I bet you you hear a lot of this too. Couples do this thing where it's like, if there was rejection once or twice, and then the partner who's asking for it

kind of gets annoyed and literally just stops asking. Like, even though it's killing them inside and they refuse and like the partner who could care less about sex or whatever, usually the girl is kind of just like, okay good, you're not bothering me, I'm not gonna bother you either. And then they get into this vicious cycle where it makes it so odd and weird.

The first time you do it because you let too much time pass, right? And too much time go by. And now everyone's like, well, with their ego is well, I'm not going to make the first move. Well, I'm not going to, and it just turns into a real fricking disaster. I mean, I'm sure going to make the first move. Well, I'm not going to, and it just turns into a real freaking disaster. It's a disaster. I mean, I'm sure you hear this a lot. All the time.

Yeah. It is not a good strategy to kind of just wait and see what happens, because then you'll be waiting a long time. Many couples are like, well, I was going to just see if the lover noticed that we didn't have sex. Right. That doesn't work. This is why I mean, most I, I talk a lot about tips and tricks.

And we can get into all that stuff. But mostly people know I need to know how to communicate about sex because playing games around your sexuality, usually both people are going to lose. Of course. So if you talk about when what's going on with our sex life, what turned you on, what might feel good to us? Like, let's actually both have a growth mindset around our sex life. It's like couples who decide to get healthy together, work out together. They plan their menus, they plan their workout schedules. Maybe they plan their, you know, we plan everything as a couple, our

our vacations are, but we don't talk about sex because we leave sex to being the spontaneous, spontaneous, the magical thing. And like for like years and years, this isn't work that way. That's not sex. Right. Take some planning. It takes some understanding. Of course. Of course. When you know what's going on and what's going to turn us on. So yeah, it's really not magic. It's just something that matters and it's important, but it can still be hot and talking about sex makes it even hotter. Okay, guys, I have to tell you about Angie. It's your home for everything home and they've made it easier than ever to connect with

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The judge could say the only way they could go on TikTok is if X happens. Wow, what a 50 years from now, lawyers are citing no West V Kardashian for social media. Available now on Apple's Spotify, Google or wherever you get your podcasts. There's no recklessness there unless you assign to Alec Baldwin the obligation to have checked that route. Well, is the Clooney Rule industry standard, right? The Clooney Rule. No, well, follow us today so you get a real story. Well, that's what brings me right over to your book. Okay, because you have a new book and it's called Smart Sex. How to boost your sex IQ and own your pleasure, which I love. Okay, so first of all, let me just ask you this, what is smart sex? Okay, so

smart sex is, so this came when I was writing the book, I realized after it was 20 years of doing this, that most people when it comes to sex want a quick fix because A, they don't talk about it. So they're just like, just tell me how to have more orgasms or tell me how to turn my part on. And so I can do that. I can tell anybody what toy to buy, what Lou, what sex position. But the end of the day, having smart sex is about our overall well-being. And so I came up with something called your sex IQ. We have a quiz at sexathomely.com. You can figure out where you're at. But the good news is that this is that to make people feel like dumb.

We're all need to be working on our sex life, but it's holistic. There's five pillars of sexual intelligence, and it's not just how many partners you had, how many moves you know, how often you've had sex, but like, for example, one of the pillars is our health. If I, if I don't work out, move my body healthy, well, then I might have a blood flow problem. If I have a blood flow problem, I'm gonna have fewer erections. I'm not gonna have as many orgasms. If I'm not eating great foods,

that's gonna impact my body. So that's like one of the pillars and people often don't make that connection or medications. If I am on the birth control pill or I'm taking an antidepressant, that could impact my libido. That's gonna impact, and again, people don't see that because they have

nothing sex as magic. So they're like, well, it's gonna be like, like no, all these things impact. It also like one of another pillars is self-acceptance. If I hate my body and I'm beating myself up all day for my thighs or gaining weight and I don't wanna be naked in the night, when I get naked in the bedroom with my partner, it's going to be really hard to have good

sex. And so I give people these five pillars to look at these are all the things that people kind of figure out themselves, what they need to work out in their lives. So that's how you get smarter at sex is being intentional about your sex life, really. It's about being intentional and being, you know, present to your sex life. So you can work on it. Right.

And feeling good about yourself when you're going into the situation so that you're not covered up or being awkward or weird. And that's going to cause all bad sex, right? Like all bad sex. If you're not comfortable with how you look and how you feel in your own skin, I bet that affects so many people out there

And they they barely want to do it because they don't want to get naked, right? That's a whole another problem Exactly. That's a whole other problem and that's that's the The self-acceptance pillar because really the work is and in smart sex I do get people a lot of a lot of tips on how to To kind of work through our self our self-confidence and to kind of work through our self confidence. And it's not even, I'm not even trying to get people to like, body love. You don't have to love your body,

but can you be neutral about your body? Can you not hate your body? Can you learn to figure out what actually does make you feel good? Because pleasure is our birth rate. We all deserve to feel good. We can all have orgasms. We can all figure it out.

And so, you know, that's one of them. Another one is collaboration. Another pillar of Smart Sex is collaboration. And it's like, really, how do I talk to my partner about sex? Do I, I'm okay, asking for what I want? Do I know what I want? That's self-knowledge. There's another pillar.

Do I actually know what makes me feel good? If I look back, so a great place for couples to start is to just say, what are the three most memorable times we've had sex together? And like write it down and compare the list and think, but what was happening in that moment? Like what made it so hot? Because then you could like kind of pull it apart through your sexual DNA. What was happening in that moment? What felt good? Or maybe you were on vacation? I know couples love vacation sex. Who doesn't love vacation sex? Maybe you guys need to take some more time away.

Maybe it was spontaneous. Maybe it really was. You didn't think the sex was gonna happen. It did. Maybe you had a few cocktails. I mean, there's a lot of things to understand about what makes great sex. And everyone gets to figure that out for themselves.

And you talk about people figuring out their own pleasures, right? Is it okay? I'm sure you're going to say yes to this, but are you big on expressing to your partner the things you want or that you don't like the way they're doing it? Because I know that's always like a hard conversation, but I, there's a lot of people out there that feel like, oh, well, look at, look at that. They're really enjoying it. I wish I was feeling what they're feeling. Like, how do you explain to your partner that like, wow, you look like you're really having an amazing time,

but like I could take it or leave anything type of thing. Oh my god. No, we don't, because we are just such great fibro like that's we fake it really well. We do because we don't want to talk about it. So one of the reasons we don't talk about sex is because we don't want to hurt upset our partners. And so like, well, I'd rather just suffer. I can tell you, we'd rather like suffer through like a lifetime of bad sex because they don't want to upset their partners. It's like, well, how is that going for you?

You're not enjoying it either. And if sex is to be this beautifully pleasurable thing, then we got to learn to talk about it. And so my main tips are the three T's to have any uncomfortable conversation about it. And so my my main tips are the three T's to have any uncomfortable conversation about sex and that is timing tone and turf. This is your ways to talk about sex. Especially if you have never talked about it with your partner before because you don't want to spring it out of them in the bedroom. So one of

them is turf. It's one of the it's timing tone and turf. And the turf is outside the bedroom. Don't have conversations about what you want to improve about your sex life in the bedroom. When you leave the bedroom for sleeping in first sex, you're much better off because when you have it, like, let's say this is like your partner rejects you again, or they do something that doesn't feel good. You're like, that's it. We need to talk about it right now. And it's like, they're already in an arousal state, perhaps. It's just not the best time. Awkward. Awkward. And uncomfortable. So the best time. So awkward, awkward and uncomfortable.

So do it when you're like on a road trip or you're going for a walk because then you don't have to make eye contact which is the awkward part but you can still talk about it in a way that's intimate because no one else is around you and you can say, hey, let's talk about our sex life and what feels good but the first one is timing.

So timing is you don't want to be halted So timing is, you don't want to be halt to remember this. You don't want to be hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. If you're any of those things, and you try to talk about your sex life, it's not going to go over well. So you want to be chill, date night, you're in a play, and then your tone is compassionate, and curious, and it's light, and it's like,

hey, I know we've been together for a long time, but I heard Sex with Emily on Melissa Gorgas podcast and I always say blame me. Like I always have like blame me because it's so awkward. I'm like, I realize that we've never talked about our sex life, and I wanna make sure that we are being great lovers to each other. And I thought we could practice talking about some things that we really like, maybe things you want to work on,

would you be open to it? And I want to warn people that their partners still might get defensive and say, what the hell are you talking about? Do you think I'm a terrible lover? You hate my penis. Like, this is just going to happen because we are so not used to it that we freak out and think that like they're insulting our penis I'm like no, I just actually want to have a conversation with them. We want you to use it differently I just want to use that penis differently. That's all right. We're not at all. I want more all sex, right? Because men are obsessed with their penis and we are not at least most women are less obsessed and men are about that Like it's about the right. Like they need to feel that proudness over it.

They need to feel like it works well. They need to feel like it pleasures you. And I feel like, you know, women, I think we still wanna be proud about it, but we don't need like the whole, you know, we don't need to be praised about it. Exactly. It's not, we're not, I'm excited.

And most women I gotta say that most women orgasm They don't orgasm through penis most women orgasm through oral sex fingers a toy Mouse, why is that? It's our anatomy. So it's actually the way we are the way we are born It's if you're clitoris. It's closer to your vaginal opening You're more likely to orgasm during penetrative sex because're clitoris, it's closer to your vaginal opening, you're more likely to orgasm during penetrative sex because you're clitoris on the outside. Your clitoris on the outside and the inside. So your clitoris is that little bulb above the vaginal opening. But there's

also nerve endings. That's you right behind me here. That's my clitoris. Oh, but right now, is that it? Oh, okay. I see that little guy. Yeah. A little girl. Should I girl? Yeah. This is the. So this is behind your opening. This is like this is just the clitoris that you see. This little tip, right? It looks like a wishbone. Yes. These are legs that extend deep behind the vulva. Like these are internal. These are all your literal nerve endings right here, right? So I just want everyone to know I'm staring at a fake vagina. Wishbone and it's amazing. Go ahead. Keep going. I'm staring at a fake vagina, wishbone, and it's

amazing. Go ahead, keep going. I'm enjoying this. So this is um, oh, and then this one, wait, so some girls, it's a little lower and some girls, it's a little higher. This goes behind it. So this, yeah, so it's okay. So there's, this is the other one. So penis is going inside, right? If you're a flitteris right here, it's closer to the vaginal pain. The penis is literally going to pull this in more. It's gonna pull it in, so there'll be more stimulation to it, and so you're having an internal orgasm that way,

internal because it's like pulling it inside. But if your clitoris is further away, you're less likely to orgasm during penetration. That's the facts. So the clitoris is further away, you're less likely to orgasm during penetration. That's the facts. So there are multiple ways for girls to have orgasms like they orgasm in different ways. So many ways. Yes.

Okay. Back. We'll never find them. Okay. So we can orgasm in so many ways. We can have... So the clitoris orgasm is how most women orgasm that way because it's the one that we have, well first off, the clitoris has 12,000 nerve endings, okay?

It only exists for pleasure. It's the only reason it exists on the planet. It's the only body part that only exists for pleasure. The circumsis penis has 4,000 nerve endings, okay? So there's so many ways that we have three times the amount of nerve endings in this small area. So we can orgasm in a lot of ways. The clitoris is the most common one.

For example, a lot of women have orgasms when they're like, they don't even know this when they're young and they're riding a bike or they're, they're, they're pumping their pillow or they're doing something, right? At a horse because they're rubbing the right so that's the most common one is the external literal orgasm but then there's also internal nerves too some people call it the g-spot the g-area some people call it the internal literal nerve writings but what happened is once we get aroused and turned on and the area becomes

more swells, becomes more gorge with blood internally. And so then when we start to become aroused, maybe just by touching externally on the clear, then we start to feel more inside. And so we're more like then we can have an orgasm internally to sometimes with a penis or fingers. Once our clitoris has been stimulated enough. So there's a lot of different kinds of, or you can have internal orgasm, to sometimes with a penis or fingers once our clitoris has been simulated enough. So there's a lot of different kinds of, or you can have internal orgasm, you can have a

nipple gasm. If you rub the nipples, this I've never heard of. Yes, this never happened to me before this. Okay. Well, the the here's the thing. What is so cool and why love we're talking about this Melissa is because we can have so many orgasms that we just don't ever try. We don't think to even like,

well, I wonder if this could happen. But we are highly orgasmic beings. Our nipples and our clitoris both are attached to the same part of our brains. So the pleasure reward centers are, our same part of our brain measures those pleasures. So if we stimulate the nipples enough with our, with their partner's fingers or using a vibrator,

there's many women that found that when they do just focus on the nipples, they can have an orgasm. But we just, again, we don't know it. No one tells us this. Wow. Yeah. This is news to me. This is news to me.

But you see, this is like, there's so many, this for women who think that men have this inferior, like it's easier for, we have so many more there's for women who think that men have this like inferior, like it's easier for, we have so many more things that can make me so many things. We have all these things that help us. We just have to like utilize them all. Yeah, we need to, we need to, yeah, exactly. We need to utilize them all.

That's so it, but no one told us because I, because everything that we saw growing up, I'm sure this was, for you, was was all about penetration was all about man-woman make out they fall into the bed penis goes in vagina explosive fireworks They fall asleep and that's what happens that sex right but for many women It's not about that it all it's about exploring and that's why we like for play and making out and kissing and going slow and We need the warm up like women are slow cookers, like men are frying pans, they could go on women need to be warmed up. And then once you take the time to, you know, literally we need to, we need to start the engine like it takes a while for it to go. So there's an orgasm gap because men can orgasm between like six and 10 minutes and women can orgasm women take with a partner between 20 and 40 minutes. So understanding how

all the parts work are going to enhance and increase our chance of having more orgasms and pleasure. But since the world doesn't have this information and literally why I love what I do because it's like be still don't know this stuff like how it's 2023 and we don't know right. Appartments.com has helped millions of renters find their perfect places and the beauty is they are all different. None of us are the same. So why should our homes be? Someone may want hardwood floors, someone else may say carpet all the way. That's a questionable call, but hey, to each

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Quote at progressive.com to join the over 29 million drivers who trust progressive. Progressive casualty insurance company and affiliates comparison rates not available in all states or situations Price is very based on how you buy What about the neck what about the neck doesn't the neck? Yes, there's so many nerve-in-ex the neck kissing the neck the neck works for me. Oh, I think just Joe know that He does. I just, I feel like, and you know what, I'll just big for me, like, do people get a,

like sense of smell? Like a smell is a huge part of like, who you fall in love with too, right? Maybe you want to be like sexual with. Absolutely our fair mones are so, are such an important part of it, but I love that you said neck. So, so that's it.

So like sometimes maybe when Joe's like, we're going home and you're like, kiss my neck and I'll let you know if that's an option. Right? You kind of tell it. We got to tell our partners what feels good because the neck has a lot of Roger's own. So that's like a secondary Roger's own,

the neck in our elbow too, also an a Roger's own. Like pretty. And men like nipples, men like to be. Yes, they do. Is that it? Yeah, men like, and men like nipples men like to be yes they do yeah men like and men like the four play to like we go right for their piti's because we're like you're already ready to go but i'm telling you they like to have the in inner thighs and playing

with every area of learn to get like a sensual massage and learn to like please each other at different you know different ways as it's also important like just learning how to touch and learning how to you know turn please each other in different, you know, different ways as it's also important. Like just learning how to touch and learning how to, you know, turn each other on in different ways because sex just gets boring after a while, right? Same move, same person, like, you know,

I'm just assuming happens to everybody. It's like when you get the same blow out, they have the same girl, has the same technique. She blows it out, you know how it's gonna end up. And it's like, you know, I feel like couples fall into the same thing where it's like, okay, we know what we're gonna do. We're gonna kiss for two seconds.

I'm gonna lay down, you're gonna, like, whatever it is, that's that couple. That's it. And I feel like everyone's gonna listen to this and think I'm talking about Joe and I this whole time. But I'm not guys, okay. I'm just saying, I'm saying couples in general. Oh, yeah.

They're gonna, yeah, that's like, it falls into a routine. Like, oh, you know, I kiss her, I'm just saying I'm saying couples in general. Yeah, they're gonna. Yeah, that's like it falls into a routine Like oh, you know I kiss her. I roll her over I bend her over it happens and that's that right? It's exactly It's a routine and that's boring. It is boring and I love that you're bringing up because literally I don't maybe they'll think you're talking about It doesn't matter because the truth is it happens in every single relationship in its biology It's it's physiology so when're, when something's the same, this is what we, the reason why the honeymoon phase, the NRE, your new relationship energy is so fantastic. It lasts anywhere from six months to two years.

So you remember probably when you first started dating Joe, you were like, you know, it's so hot and you're ripping each other's clothes off and you can't wake up sex and you're having sex five times a day. And I don't know if that you were but many couples super hot We always remember that early stage and then when that takes a dip which it will We think something's wrong, but that's not normal. That's because it's the spontaneity It's the it's the novelty. It's the newness. It's literally the dopamine and serotonin. You have the most delicious cocktail of feel good hormones are being stimulated in a new part of a relationship.

But like anything that's, it's like a drug, it's literally like you are on drugs when you're falling in love. Like you are high. You are high and you know when you get high, you come up, it has to come down and it comes down. And then couples are like, now what do we do? How do I keep this hot?

I'm with the same person searing at the same ceiling and the same body and we're kissing in the same way. And so, but then there's not like, like if you're workout, it's like you're workout. Like, or you're blow out or you're workout. You do the same exercise at first, you start a new exercise routine.

And your muscles get stronger and you're like, you know, you're losing weight or whatever your goal is. And then you plateau. That's what happens to your sex life. If you don't mix it up, you will plateau no matter how hot it is, no matter how attracted you are to anybody, how many orgasms you are in a matter, how love you and love you are. That's it. Because you're just same way your leg muscle is not going to move after you get it to a

certain point. Exactly. Exactly. And this is going to happen over there. Wait, what is this term edging? Edging. Yes, I think it's great term. So I love edging. So edging means a few things. Edging bait is essentially the point of delaying orgasm. So it's the point of getting close to arousal and getting turned on and then going back down. So it's teasing.

So edging is like almost going there and then not letting go like switch and do something else. Exactly. So maybe you'd like go up to, you know, in the morning, you go up to Joe or whatever and you like start making out with him and you touch him and then you're like, just kidding, got a phone call, going to work or not just kidding. And then you've gotten him a rouse, but you leave, right? And then you come back late, like a phone call, going to work or not just kidding. And then you've got him aroused, but you leave, right? And then you come back late like this is just, there's all different states of edging, but it's basically teasing getting your partner going, or it could be in the same bed.

It doesn't mean that you are at the leave though, believe the room. But there's also, yeah, I don't know how easy that's going to be, but it won't be easy. No, that's extreme. But but edging is really is like you are with your partner, the build up, the build up, the build up the build up to build up Okay, so that's it. Okay. Well, that makes a lot of sense. Let me ask you this How many times a week do you recommend a married couple has sex like what is healthy or is it just different for us all? Okay, it's different for us all but I will tell you this because people that is probably one of the top questions

I get asked by couples because everyone wants to know if they're normal. Are we doing it okay? Are the neighbors having more sex than we are? I assume they are. And so I don't like being prescriptive in this way. However, there have been, you know, studies in this area that show that couples have sex about one to one and a half times a week. I don't know what the half time is. Maybe it's like a hand job or something. But one and a half times a week. I don't know what the half time is. Maybe it's like a hand job or something, but one and a half times a week, one one time a week, one and a half seems to work for a lot of couples that if you do it once a week, you're going to be okay. Like it's going to it feels like that works once a month usually doesn't work. And so it's really the reason why I don't like to blob a number on to it is because couples get to decide for themselves. Like if you're both okay with once a month, like you're both genuinely okay,

you both are like, we're good. And not faking and lying. And you're both really into once a month. Then it's okay. Then it's fine. What do you hear from your friends? I mean, what do they say? I feel we've all mentioned that here.

I mean, my husband seems to think, like, minimum is like three to four times a week. Of course, that's, that he feels like, how your roommates, if you do anything less, and I, you know, I think he's out of his mind, you know, of course we all do. We all think, like, whoa, that's a lot, Joe, right? But like, let's, let's say like he feels three times a week is suffice to like get through life. So to speak without like, but I feel like a lot of couples, I know do say once a week minimum and if they can grab another day, great or like some extra or curricular activity. And that's pretty normal that right? I think so too. I think one to three times a week

is pretty much what I hear. I'm always surprised when couples are like, I'm doing it all the time. But it's funny though, and I will say this, he won't kill me because Dr. Drew says it's on my show too. So I will say this, but he and Susan, they've been together.

I think they're like 40 or anniversary, maybe it's 38, I don't know what, but they're like, Susan's always like, Emily, we're having more sex than ever. They're having sex than ever. They're so fun. They talk about, but I'm saying that's rare. So I feel like.

Well, you would think Dr. Drew is having a lot of sex, right? That's what you just want to imagine that anyway. Exactly. And so I mean, yeah, it's fun. But I'm saying we, couples get to side, but yeah, you can, here's the other thing though. I don't want to say people think sex is just penetration, but sex can be mutual masturbation, making out,

giving each other massages, one person gets off, the other person doesn't. We don't have to center sex just on penetration. So sex can be defined in a lot of different ways too. A lot of times couples are thinking they want the craving like when they say sex, it's not just penetration, it could just be intimacy and connection and that's okay too. What about the way men enjoy so like they might not want to have sex throughout the week right but they enjoy watching porn and I I know I have friends that have been insulted because they'll say he didn't just come find me but I just found him in the living room

with his hand down his pants and his iPhone. So like, what's to think about that? Because I do think there's plenty of listeners out there right now that want to hear that. Yes, it's a great question. I'm glad you asked him. Let's look at it's really, really common that we don't really understand our partners, poor, poor news a lot. Couples have this problem, couples have an unspoken agreement that if a partner watches porn, it's somehow cheating or it's a message that we're sending our partner in somewhere, we feel less than, but my take on it is masturbation is a really important part of sex,

of being sexually healthy. And so people are going to masturbate in relationships, out of relationships without their partner. And it's part of the relationship with ourself, which is a really important one. So sometimes we just want itself soothing, it can help reducing anxiety. Since we just want to have an orgasm and watch porn for a minute without the complications of being with our partner. And so again, if we were comfortable talking more about sex, we wouldn't have all these issues around it. We wouldn't feel threatened by it.

We wouldn't, you know, this happened in my 20s. I found my boyfriend watching porn and I thought he wants to be with a blonde woman with large breasts. And I assumed that it meant that like, I am not that. I am petite. Right. And don't have, you know, don woman with large breasts. And I assumed that it meant that like, I am not that. I am petite. I don't have, you know, don't have large breasts. And I thought it meant I was felt he was cheating. I mean, I didn't understand.

I did. So again, a lot of that comes from like, we just don't get it. We don't. So. So women should accept that. Are you saying yes? It's happening. Or if you've seen it happen, they should accept it.

And don't argue with your husbands over these things. No, I don't think you should argue with them. However, listen, that's not a blanket statement. If they're not having, if you guys are not having, never having sex and you're trying to have sex and they're rejecting you and then you find them watching porn all the time, that's a problem. But if your sex life is healthy and you're feeling good about it and they're watching porn, to me, that's a sign of actually a healthy relationship. Okay, so as long as they're doing both and they're not just resorting to like porn only not touching the wife exactly that could be advice first. I mean, this goes both ways. Everything goes both ways.

Everything goes both ways. I hear from just as much just as many women than men who want sex more than their partners. I'm telling you women what like I hear from like my husband doesn't want sex anymore. I hear that all the time. And I used to think when I first started, there's so many myths. Melissa, like most of what we know about sex actually is true. It's been told, it's so I think that women want sex

just as much as men I want to normalize that. And sometimes men don't. So. And they're just, they were allowed to, or more comfortable speaking about it for so many years. But I feel like it's getting better, right. And they're just, they, they were allowed to, or more comfortable speaking about it for so many years, but I feel like it's getting better, right? It's getting more equal. Listen, I have this book.

I cannot wait to read this book. This is actually really educational. It is like you have a lot of expertise on this. I feel like you're so comfortable talking about the subject. I'm so glad that we got to chat. I mean, all you guys out there, you need to be sure to check out Emily's podcast because she talks about this kind of stuff all the time and you have the website too. It's called Sex with Emily. Yep. And just make sure you guys all need to grab a copy of her new book. It's called Smart

Sex. It's out right now. Yes, everyone's out right now. Get wherever you get your books. I personally have a copy. I am so excited. I'm going to read this whole book because this is all intriguing to me. I think it's interesting. And it's fun. It's like a fun conversation.

And I feel like it shouldn't feel uncomfortable. It's like a fun, it's so relevant in the world. And people get shy and weird to talk about it. So thank you so much for coming on and talking about it with me. Thank you for having me, Melissa. And I just want to say that I also have a bunch of stuff on my website that helps, and then the book too, that it helps couples have the conversation.

So like you can read it with your partner and it makes it less awkward. It makes it actually fun. There's like fun little exercises and stuff. Thank you for having me. This was really fun. I appreciate you. Thank you.

You are super fun. You need to come back with Joe. Like I'm fun. I appreciate you. Thank you. You are super fun. You need to come back with Joe. Like, I'm gonna need Joe on the podcast with you. So we're gonna have to schedule that because Joe would have a field day with this and I would love to watch him, you know, just almost battle you with some of your thoughts.

I, we need to do that. So we're gonna do this again with Joe the next time. I'm so in love with you. Thank you for having me. Fun., good good so nice to meet you too. Okay, have a great night. Bye I'm going to be a little bit more creative. I'm going to be a little bit more creative. I'm going to be a little bit more creative. I'm going to be a little bit more creative. I'm going to be a little bit more creative. I'm going to be a little bit more creative.

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