One Song - Introducing: Petty Crimes

Episode Date: September 19, 2024

This week on One Song, we’re sharing another podcast that LUXXURY and Diallo both love: Petty Crimes. It's a weekly comedy podcast where co-hosts and long-time friends Ceara Jane O’Sullivan and Griff Stark-Ennis add a playful twist to the world of true crime. In each episode, the hosts passionately investigate minor interpersonal disputes and deliver a hilarious yet analytical verdict.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, One Song Nation, it's luxury, and we've got something fun and different for you today. I want to share a podcast that Diallo and I think you're going to enjoy. It's called Petty Crimes, and it's a comedy show where Kira Jane O'Sullivan and Griff Stark Ennis tackled the pettiest of disputes. Think less murder mysteries and more hilarious drama. Now, you know how we broke down Britney Spears' iconic track, Toxic? Well, this Petty Crimes episode features Brittany, too. Well, not the Brittany, but a character in the story is named after her.

And trust me, it's just as wild as you'd hope. If you love how we break down music, you're going to love how they break down drama. So buckle up, here's Petty Crimes. It's like with a genie. Like, the genie grabs what you wished for. Yeah. The genie doesn't give you what you truly want. The genies are the real contract readers.

I'll tell you, they give just enough and not too much. Welcome back to Petty Crimes, the only true crime comedy podcast that exclusively investigates non-crimes. Good afternoon, Kira. Good afternoon, Griff. How are you? I'm good. I'm happy to be in L.A. with you sitting across from you. Welcome back.

It's, I mean, disgustingly hot, but we don't need to talk about the weather. Sure. Yeah. So you said you have a little update to share today? I do. I have a little update from Frozen Custody Battle that episode. Oh, the hoodie crime. The eagle on the hoodie crime.

Which was so, such a good, perfect petty crime. And let me read it right now. Okay, great. It says, hi, I just wanted to send a message about the frozen custody battle episode. I'm Elson Ana's mom. Oh. The podcast was hilarious, seriously. But a few funny facts that I neglected to share in my info.

First of all, I think it is funny how many people think the hoodie is so cringe. I do. I think it's ugly. I think it's cute, but it's ugly. Yeah, Crenzer is a good word for it. I actually was the one who designed it for our school, which makes it even funnier. Oh, shoot. Oh.

Sorry, Mom. My feelings were not hurt at all. It is pretty lame. I also tried to find coworkers that still had one so I could wrap it up and give it to the one daughter for Christmas as a joke. That's funny. We like that. I'm still working on that one. Everybody probably got rid of it by now.

I love your podcast. Keep up the great work. Cute. From Anna and Elsa's mom. Love a little update. Me too. I like that. No, I like that.

And I think probably Anna and Elsa like by way of getting evidence from their mom, I think we have a new petty criminal on our hands. So thanks to the sisters. Cool. Griff, anything else to say before we jump in today? Something happened to me for the first time ever. Do you want to take a guess? You demonstrated patience. Not in the face of you.

No, what happened to you? I got robbed. No. Yeah, I'll keep the story short. I mean, it is short. I went to in and out with a co-worker after work. I was driving my friend's Jeep at the time. Shout out to my best friend Chelsea.

And I had forgotten to lock the doors because it's a vintage Jeep and you can't just go beep. And I put my bag on the back seat because my buddy was in the front. We went in, eight, and then I came out and someone had just very easily opened the door and stolen my bag. Yeah, nice bag. Most importantly, my Bose headphones got stolen. So it didn't feel good, but it was completely my fault and material stuff. So I was just like-

It wasn't completely your fault. Somebody stole it. It's completely their fault. Okay, okay, that's fair. I mean, I didn't walk the car. I'm glad the car is okay. And this is the first time Chelsea's hearing about this probably. I'm sorry that happened to you.

Yeah, it was just weirdly, I'd just been like, this bag is a little faded, these headphones, I need new ones. I was like saying that out loud and lo and behold, the universe just gave me a little spanking. Yeah, the universe took care of those items for you. Yeah, but one's back and you can buy me a bag for Christmas. I certainly will. Okay. I have my listening ears on.

I am ready to react. You are going to love today's petty crime. Okay. It is excellent. And before we get into it, here are a couple ads. Okay, we're back. The crime begins. Hi, Kira, hi, Griff, love the pod.

Wawb, blah, blah, blah. Myself and two girlfriends love discussing each episode in a group chat called Bimbo Summit, named after the infamous 2000s tabloid headline of an iconic shot of Brittany, Paris, and Lindsay in a car. Griff, are you familiar with this tabloid image? I think so, if not the specific image. I know that era so well. That was the era of Griff going to grocery stores and standing in the magazine aisle and looking through like Us Weekly, OK Magazine, like dreaming of Hollywood. Yeah.

Here's the picture for you, Griff. Can you describe for the listeners? Yes. So we have Lindsay on the far left, Brittany in the middle, Paris is driving. Icons. Yeah, this moment in time was like they were the most famous people in the world. They all look great. It's Lindsay Lohan in her black hair era.

Like right around rumors probably, which is a banger. Yeah. Brittany has an interesting look on her face. How would you describe that look? Wasted. I wouldn't. I mean, yes, assumingly, they're all wasted, which makes it a little nerve wracking that Ms. Paris is behind the wheel. But she looks like she knows what's going on.

Interesting. She looks like she's, I don't know. She's just like dropped character for a second. Well, either way, none of this matters. This picture is just kind of. kind of for fun. Oh, okay. The point of this picture is that the title of it is Bimbo Summit, which is the name of the group chat and the name of today's crime. Okay. So further analysis of this image not required. But thank you for what you provided. Yeah, I think it was detailed. Sorry.

It was very good. I had a prompt and I executed it. Thank you for describing the image to our listeners. Yes. As such, I bring you a story of 2000s bimbolatry, featuring my two besties. Griff, what do you think about the word bimbo? I like it when you're calling yourself that. I don't know how I feel when someone else calls you that. It's kind of a low-stakes word, but I'm sure people would prefer not to be called that New York Post.

Well said. Yeah. Me personally, I identify as a bimbo. How about you? I could be a hymbo. That's the gay word for it. This crime is 14 years old, but those involved, while still close friends,

are still absolutely convinced, the other is wrong. Note, this is the only time these two have fought and all those years of friendship, but it's still a sore spot. Okay. The year, 2009. The setting, a red robin in Southern California. Griff, are you familiar with a red robin?

I am familiar. I don't know that I've gone into a red robin before. Can you, for example, sing the tagline from their famous jingle? Isn't it like, red robin, yum? Good job. Something like that. A little pitchy, a little pitchy. Yeah, I've only ever seen the commercial has never gone in.

But could you give like a red robin comp? Like, what's the vibe? It's not comp to red lobster, although they share a color. It would be like Applebee? Yeah, maybe like two steps beneath an Applebee's? Is that bad to say? I think so. Okay.

Yeah, you're totally right. Okay. Our potential criminals, two 21-year-old servers. Let's call them Brittany and Paris. They met while working at the rest of them. restaurant and quickly became friends, bonding over weekend trips to Vegas and commiserating over customers tearing through baskets of steak fries faster than either could refill them. At this age, the girlies were still in college and balancing school, work, and social life.

It was common enough to have a concert or party come up and need to swap shifts or get someone to cover a shift you don't want to work. Brittany and the other servers would trade shifts relatively often, but Paris was adamantly against covering shifts. A true I don't dream of labor girl. I mean, wrong place to work, I guess. True. Yeah.

Enter our crime. The end of the year was fast approaching and Brittany realized she was booked for a day shift, noon to 5 p.m. at Red Robin on New Year's Day. Oh, man. The problem was that Brittany already had plans to drive to Vegas with friends for New Year's Eve. Now, Vegas is about a three and a half hour drive from this particular Red Robin, And so getting home in time for the shift would have meant waking up, you know, around 8 a.m. On New Year's Day, tough for a 21-year-old, and managing to drive all the way home after a long night of partying.

What do you think about that, Griff? Possible? The waking up part doesn't seem like it should happen. If for some reason you need to make a shift after a Vegas trip, like directly after, just stay awake the whole fucking night. Whoa. I think and then just go to work and do your best on the shift. then go home and take a nap. That's how I would approach it. Why would you go to sleep in Vegas for like a quick turnaround trip like that? I guess maybe because you're 21 and you've been boozing

and you need to sleep it off. I would argue that that age is a better age to do exactly what I just said. I couldn't do that at 32, but at 21, I'll pull in all night or and get to my ass to Red Robin. Whoa. Yeah. Either way, I think that sounds impossible. Okay. Yeah. To me, that sounds like something Griff could do. That sounds like something Kira could not, especially 21-year-old Kira. And being in Vegas a few weeks ago, I now know that I have the power to do that. I was surprised by how Vegas energized me. Wow.

Yeah. So, you know, we'll see if Brittany does that. She doesn't. The fact of the matter was Brittany had already paid for her hotel. She had already paid for the club. She'd already bought the cute mini dress. And she didn't even have a car to drive her ass home. So it was pretty clear.

She needed to get the shift. covered. The problem is, is I'm sure you can imagine Griff service industry job. Thanks for reminding me. Is that no one wants to work the opening shift on New Year's Day. You ever experienced that? Yes, I don't work New Year's. I don't work New Year's Eve. New Year's Day is not high on my list, obviously, but New Year's Eve night, no. Yeah. But I hear what, like, I understand. Like, you don't want either of those shifts. No. But if I had to choose one, I would work New Year's Day. Because people are, not being idiots.

Sure. You know, or as idiots. Yeah. But I get it. Nobody wants to work at all. Correct. And she has plans in Vegas. She has got financial commitments in Vegas because of the hotel.

Yep. So I would do my best to get it covered. Now, Brittany was getting desperate, asking everyone at the Red Robin, and eventually asked Paris, the I don't dream of labor, I don't cover shifts girl, if she would cover the shift. Paris wanted nothing to do with it and had her own plans for me. New Year's Eve. They went back and forth. Would Paris do it for 60 bucks? The average amount of money made during a shift at Red Robin at the time? No. Oh. Would Paris do it for a free pass for Brittany to cover any shift of her choosing in the future? No. Damn. Finally, Brittany asked Paris, what's it going to take?

Griff, put yourself in Britney's shoes. Okay. It's 2009. You're 21 years old. You've got to be in Vegas, and you need Paris to cover your shift, what would you offer? The $60 offers make sense. Yeah. I might have like maybe second pass gone, like doubled it, 120. Yeah. The free pass is pretty valuable because you never know when you're going to need coverage. Mm-hmm.

So long as that free pass is like no arguments you do it. Thanksgiving Day. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Otherwise, I would be asking Paris the same question. Like, what would entice you? Well, Paris asked for a new. iPhone.

Yeah. I guess I would ask for that. Bear in mind, this is 2009. The iPhone is pretty new. And the latest version is the gorgeous, sleek iPhone 4. Priced at $499, the equivalent about $750 today. Oh. Griff, you want to see an iPhone 4?

Yes, please. Describe it to the listeners. It's white. I mean, they come in black as well. they still have a push button, which we have since evolved past. The camera, single camera in the front, single camera in the back. We've, again, evolved to three cameras in the back. The apps and the screen are dated.

It looks really old. But other than that, honestly, the iPhone hasn't changed that much. I mean, it's gotten bigger, but it's wild that we, like, get so aggressive with wanting one. And the reality is they don't really change much year over year. No, but this is still like iPhone. early days. And the field seeing it makes me feel like that I want it. I need it. Everyone has it. I can like smell where I was when I had one. Is that weird? Yeah. Yeah, I was graduating high school. I had a blackberry at the time and I wanted an iPhone. Oh. Damn, my parents spoiled me. Wow.

Yeah. Why did I need a blackberry for? I had zero friends. To make friends. Yes. And it happened that was in college. Now, this was a huge amount of money for any of us girlies at the Red Robin when you're making about 60 bucks a day. And of course, going to Vegas every other weekend. So of course, when Paris says, I need a new iPhone to cover your shift, Brittany, who's again the one asking for coverage. Yeah. Sarcastically agrees. Sure, Paris. I'll buy you an iPhone if you cover my shift. Paris says, it's a deal and takes the shift. Okay. A bit of nuance here. It's worth noting that it, would fit Paris's dry sense of humor to jokingly demand an iPhone.

But it would also fit Paris's character profile to actually only pick up a shift for the price of a new iPhone. Yeah, I have a problem with that. Like, it's just, it's two sarcastic deliveries leading to nothing. And so I'm left confused. So Paris basically was being entirely sincere. And Brittany's interpretation was that she was being sarcastic and therefore replied sarcasticly. Interesting. Okay. Well, yeah. Yeah. And that's why when I make deals with people, I want it to be straightforward and I get a lot of flack for this, but it yields clarity. Sarcasm is nobody's friend. Well, I mean, sarcasm is a blast. But in a situation like this, not help.

Correct. It's just like getting to Vegas is too important to not know. And so I can see where maybe this is going. And because I'm left confused by like, deal that's actually happened, which I would argue isn't one. About to find out. Oh, shit. At this point, Brittany assumes the former that Paris is just being her dry, funny self. Very Paris Hilton, honestly, in a way, dry sense of humor girl. And that Britney was just giving her a hard time and agreed to take the shift as a huge favor to her friend. Brittany is incredibly grateful.

New Year's Eve comes and goes. Paris does show up to the morning shift on New Year's Day, still drunk and with puke in her hair, but the girl was there, and she survived the shift. Now the next time they hang out, Paris says she can't wait to get her new iPhone. Oh my God. Brittany laughs.

Sure, bitch. Work bitch. Paris clarifies. Okay, but like, when are you going to get it? Brittany realizes now for the very first time that Paris was serious. Yeah. And a huge fight ensues. I'm annoyed with Brittany.

Okay. Because if you were sarcastic in something that I asked, I'd be like, ha, ha, ha. And then I'd be like, but really, what are we talking about here? And Brittany never did that. So I'm a little bit, um, a little bit team Paris. Okay. Yeah. I hear you.

Yeah. Does that make sense? It does. Yeah. It does because it's like if Paris wouldn't do it for 60 bucks and wouldn't do it for a free get out of jail free card for any shift, then why would she do it for nothing and just a dry joke? 100%. And to be clear, I like do find that ask for an iPhone absurd. But like Brittany was the one who initiated this deal and she didn't close it.

Well, she thinks she did. Yeah, but with nothing. No, she thought Paris was just being a little bit bitchy. Yeah. And ultimately being a good friend. And said, I'll just do it for free. Yeah, I've been giving you a hard time, but I'll do it. Yeah, but like with the context that she just painted of her friend Paris, it doesn't stand in this court to me.

Well said, let's continue. Okay. Where we just left off was a huge fight in shoes. Oh, I forgot, yeah. In a fit of pettiness. Brittany says she'll give Paris 40 bucks to never speak to her again. Oh my God. She decreased the original offer by 20 to get you to not speak to me.

No money changed hands ultimately, but the silence lasted about a week. Finally, Paris posts Julia Stiles 10 Things I Hate About You Monologue to Britney's Facebook wall. And the rift seems to be over. Oh, my God. Griff, it's time to hear from Julia Stiles. Okay, because I've only seen this as clips on socials. You've never seen 10 things I hate about you? This is a rom-com, right?

It's so much more than a rom-oh. Oh, my gosh. It is a seminal classic. It is the taming of the shrew. Oh, my God. Heath Ledger, are you kidding me? Yeah, icon, but last I haven't seen it. Criminal.

Criminal. Okay, well, add it to my list of movies. I hate the way you talk to me and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare I hate it I hate the way you're always right I hate it when you lie

She messed up I hate it when you make me laugh Even worse when you make me cry Aww She's so talented But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you Not even close Not even a little bit

Not even a whole Oh yeah I mean I saw where that writing was going Oh he's so beautiful And so is Julia That was that was in front of the whole class. My goodness, did they have a relationship

that was like public to the school? I'm not telling you. Okay, okay. Watch the movie. Okay, okay, okay. So she posted that, you know, that poem monologue on, that's funny because it's like,

I hate you right now, but my love for you is stronger. Yeah. Okay. Would you interpret that as an apology? And it was, Who posted on whose page again? Paris posted it to Brittany.

Oh, okay. Yeah, I would interpret that as an apology. Totally. Because it's not, I mean, the crime is petty, right? This isn't a serious crime. That is not a serious monologue. And so, yeah, I think the apology begets the crime. Mm-hmm.

So, yeah. That's an interesting scene. I could go off on that scene, but. Give us a couple thoughts. I think she messed up a line. Well, the actor... To be clear, the actor did not mess up a line. The character tripped over her words because she was nervous and reclaimed in front of the class.

Okay, I got that the actor accidentally messed up the line and it fit the character so well. I feel very strongly that that's an actor making a choice of reading a poem she wrote in front of the class and that tripping over the words is a good choice. I hear you. Because she's off book. She's not even reading it. Oh, totally. I don't just... Yeah, you know, and we'll ask her petty criminals to weigh, and I have not seen the movie. And as a reminder... This was the part of the crime we were going to get caught up on...

I'm the jury. Excuse me. I'm the jury. So... I apologize. I'll watch it with you if you want. No, thanks. Now the girlie's made up.

They're still friends to this day. But Paris is still waiting for her. And Griff is still gay. See, I can do it too. Boo. Paris is still waiting. for her iPhone 4. Okay.

To this day, Brittany thinks Paris is insane if she thought she'd trade a five-hour shift for an iPhone worth, ultimately, seven shifts monetarily. Yeah. And me, call me Lindsay Lohan, babes.

I've been friends with these girls for 20 years, and I enjoy bringing up the iPhone 4 situation now and then just to watch everybody get a little mad all over again. Just a little. So Griffin, Kira, we can't wait to hear you adjudicate. Oh. Wow.

Good word. Well, before we take into the verdicts, we'll hear a couple more ads. Welcome back. Griff, you want to give a very quick little recap of this crime? I forgot about our recaps. Yes, a recap. We have Brittany and Paris. The story is told by Lindsay Loanne.

Brittany and Paris and Lindsay, best friends, they met a Red Robbins. They're working there as well in college. Brittany has a commitment to make in Vegas for New Year's Eve, New Year's Day. She needs someone to cover a shift. The only one seemingly available, I'm curious if Brittany asked anyone else, is Paris, who notoriously never covers shifts, which is a vibe. So Britney asks Paris for help. Paris is like, I don't do that girl.

Brittany offers $60. Yeah. Paris says no. Brittany then offers a free pass to cover any shift in the future. Yep. Paris says no. Brittany then asks Paris, what can I give you? And Paris says, you can get me an iPhone 4.

So Britney's interpreting it as sarcasm. And Brittany meets her with sarcasm back. Sure, Paris. I'll get you an iPhone. And then nothing, nothing continues. Brittany goes to Vegas, has a fun time, comes back. Paris does show up for the shift because she thinks she's getting an iPhone 4. both reunite.

And then Paris looks to cash in on the iPhone 4, to which Brittany says, what the fuck? You were serious? A little rift happens. Some vintage poetry is posted on a Facebook page as an apology. And they're back to being best friends. And Lindsay enjoys occasionally stirring the pot, the petty pot.

Yes. That was long-winded, but the sarcasm of it all has me in two minds. So great. And just out of curiosity, who are you identifying most with in this story? Brittany, Paris, or Lindsay? At work, I don't get into dramatic shit like this. Because I straight to the point. I go into a deal. I make sure the deal is closed. So I can only empathize with Brittany and Paris so much. And I'm more of a Lindsay who's sitting back watching being like, my schedule's organized. I'm in Vegas. I told my manager two months ago I would be. So I'm Lindsay, obviously. I do think you're a little bit of a Paris as well.

Okay. Oh, man. I don't know. I wasn't born into this life. Only in the context of you saying, like, I don't really take other people shifts. I know my schedule. And I think that's Paris's vibe. And she's like, I don't pick up shifts and I don't ask people to cover mine.

Fair. I think you're a Paris in that way. Okay. Between Brittany and Paris, yes, I'm more of a Paris. But between the three of them, I've got red hair. I believe it. Okay. Now the verdicts.

Was Brittany guilty for asking someone to work for her on New Year's Day? No. You are never guilty for asking something. You can expect maybe to be told no, and then what you do after that is maybe where the guilt lies, but you are in that world because of the flexibility, like I said, so ask away. Perfect. Love to hear it. Is Paris guilty for never covering other people's shifts?

She is not guilty. However, I scratch your back, you scratch mine. And when that kind of reciprocity isn't part of your work, if ever Paris has an emergency, she needs to get a shift covered for, no one is going to want to do it. But you are entitled to let people know that that's your vibe. You're just, I don't think that behooves you with relationships. Sure. Especially in the business place. Well said.

The business place. The business place. We are business people. Especially in the business place. Yes. When I go on to the floor as a server, I'm a businessman. When we eat the red robin, we're in the business place. Was Britney guilty for agreeing?

Sarcastically, she maintains to give Paris a new iPhone in exchange for covering the shift. Yes. Brittany is guilty for sarcastically agreeing to give Paris an iPhone. Like I said, Brittany needs something out of this, and she's arrived somewhere with no clarity moving forward because of that sarcasm. And she already knows Paris has a tendency to be sarcasm. sarcastic. And so all the more reason to brush the sarcasm aside and really figure out what we're talking about here. Got it. So like, say for a second, I'm Paris and you're Brittany. And I go, yeah, I'll cover your shift for a new iPhone. How do you handle it? As Brittany? Yes. Oh, my God. You're so

sarcastic, Paris. No, but really, what do you want? Oh, no, I was being serious a second ago. Paris, I'm not going to give you an iPhone to cover my shift. Okay. Then your shift's not covered. Yeah. And boom, I know. That happened after the trip, right? But in the form of, girl, where's my iPhone?

Uh-huh. So, yeah, I would have maybe shifted that conversation. Two chapters ahead. Great. Was Paris guilty for expecting her college student friend to actually buy her an iPhone in the first place? Ooh, that's a good question. I'm kind of like in this world you can set your price at whatever. Absolutely.

And she did, which is so wild. Supply and demand, maybe. Totally, totally. What can you, I'm helping you. So like, what can I get out of this? Because, you know, businessman. I find Paris not guilty for demanding that. Which is why I find Brittany guilty.

Because you heard Paris's demand. She said her term. She's in her right to do that. It's a wild term. but you can ask for $5 million. Griff, I'm finding you to be so consistent in this because you said,

Brittany is not guilty for asking to get her shift covered, and you're saying Paris is not guilty for asking for an iPhone. Totally. Ask for whatever you want. You can ask for a blowjob. You can ask me to go down on you. You can ask somebody to cut all of your hair off. Britney Spears, but like you can ask for whatever you want.

Are you doing okay? No, totally. And like, I mean, I'm sure you've learned this. And I'm sure so many of our penny criminals listening have learned this. It is well within your right to ask for something. It is well within the other person's right or the other party's right. Yes. To say yes, no, maybe whatever.

Boom. Now am I, Lindsay, guilty for still bringing up this little situation whenever I'm in the backseat and want to stir the pot? Um, no, stir the pot. It's petty and fun and like, no, you're not guilty for that. I would be, this is why I relate to Lindsay. It'd be fun across our years of friendship just to like, you know, remind them. Oh, totally. So funny.

So funny. Classic. Only one person in this situation got what they wanted. That's so true. It's interesting. Only Brittany got what she wanted. That's such a good point. Paris is like I literally showed up with puke in my hair.

Yeah. wasted. Yeah. And I didn't get an iPhone. Such heiress behavior. She didn't even get 60 bucks. She didn't even get the free pass. She didn't get any of the shit that she said no to.

Yeah. Nothing. And if anything, Brittany downgraded the original offer to $40 to get you to not talk to me. Damn. Hmm. Time for a little sentencing. Yeah. Now, Lindsay, Brittany, and Paris have all agreed that if you Griff decree that Britney was wrong,

and owes Paris an iPhone that she will buy it for her. And she wants to know if it should be an iPhone 4, the original deal, or if the deal has accrued interest, bringing her debt to a new iPhone 15. So first, does Brittany owe Paris an iPhone, Griff? Yes.

Whoa! Brittany owes Paris an iPhone. Large claims court. Like, loudest gavel I've ever slammed. Absolutely. yeah for sure. And that's your fault, Brittany, because you didn't close the deal. You left it up in the air and iPhone land with no interpretation.

So yes, you owe her an iPhone. You gagged? Did you think that I would say no? Of course. Yes. Obviously, I thought you'd say no. But I think, though, with where you were leading into that question you just asked, I think there might be a part B question.

The part B is, is it an iPhone 4, the original deal? Or is it an iPhone 15? The deal has not accrued over time. No interest has been added. You will be buying Paris what she asked for. An iPhone 4? So I'm seeing online that the iPhone 4 currently is $54, which is just under the original offer of $60 for the shift, which at the time was what they would have made in tips. So, and to be clear, it's just the physical iPhone 4.

It's not the value of an iPhone 4 in the year 2009. Which was... $499. No. Can I maybe split the difference on this one? I love what you're saying. I would encourage you not to split the difference. I think you get a 2009 iPhone 4 like you asked for.

Absolutely. I feel encouraged by that original feeling. $54 shipping. Maybe it'll bring it up to 70. Who knows? I think that's perfectly... I think that's perfect for this crime. You want an iPhone 4.

Sorry, you want it an iPhone 4. You're getting an iPhone 4 and that'll be the end of this. It's like with a genie. Like the genie grants what you wished for. Yeah. The genie doesn't give you what you truly want. The genies are the real contract readers. They'll tell you they give just enough and not too much.

I think that's a fair punishment. Oh, they suggested the punishment for us. That's funny. Well, and what's fun is every single party has agreed to it already. So it's actually going to happen. So we need to stay on. Paris, Brittany and Lindsay for an update on whether, sorry, not whether when Paris gets her iPhone 4. We just had to decide, wow, we had to decide which iPhone it would be.

And they're listening and they're like, fuck you, Griff. I don't want to buy her an iPhone 4. And she's like, and I don't want an iPhone 4. Nobody wants an iPhone 4. You're right. And as low as it's priced, I bet it's, I bet the like inconvenience of actually finding an iPhone 4 is going to be, it will be worth the cost difference. I don't know. Like, does anyone still have an iPhone 4 around?

I mean, I guess this person on eBay does. eBay. They're going to be so happy. They'll be like, yes, somebody bought it. And then, yeah, and then I want them to, I want them to, like, frame it and have it in their living room. Because what are you going to use the phone for? But we'll let them get creative. That would be really amazing.

If included in your sentencing was Britney has to give Paris an iPhone 4 and then Paris has to use it for one whole week. Could you? Yeah, let's wake a fossil up. Yeah. Just smashing that home button. Dang. No face recognition. That would feel so nostalgic in ways.

But yeah, that's the sentencing. Okay. Say no more. That was good. That's wild. That's perfect. Our petty criminals really show up. That's like, that's exactly the story I like to hear.

It is insignificant and so funny and so specific. Two sides to the story, which we love. love two vastly different ways we can interpret it and that the people involved were interpreting it. And I don't even necessarily see it the way you see it. Interesting. Well, that makes sense for us. Like the way I see it is I kind of think that Paris was being sarcastic.

And then after showing up for the shift with pukin her hair was like, you know what? I want to be a little cunty to my friend. Oh. And when she got back from Vegas, Paris was like, so where's my iPhone? Yeah. Yeah. And that she knew all along that that was never a deal that they agreed to. Interesting.

Because these broke girls are not buying each other $500 worth of stuff. That's seven shifts. None of them even have it like that. Interesting. So post puking the hair shift, she was kind of looking for a fight. Uh-huh. She wanted to stir the pot. She wanted to make Brittany feel bad.

Yeah. She had buyer's remorse for covering somebody's ass for the first and only time ever. Yeah. And then she decided she'd get a little messy with it. And as that's such a good take, which for me is why Brittany should not even give her any wiggle room to be able to do that. And so they should have just been, she, Brittany should have been clear at the time. But here's what Brittany did. Brittany said, I don't care whether this situation is clear or unclear.

There's no world in which I'm buying you an iPhone anyway. Yeah. And I've just gotten my shift covered, so I'm not getting fired. Deuces, I'm going to Vegas. Yeah, Brittany is the only one to one. And Brittany got her shift covered. There was no world in which she's buying her an iPhone. She's literally never had to.

Their friendship has stayed the same. The only thing that happened was a Julia Stiles poem, which Paris was the one who put it on her wall. Wow. Can we? Why did she need to get clarity? She didn't. She got everything she needed.

Can I just see that photo of the three girls again? Look at that look that Britney is giving. That is exactly what you're talking about. She fucking knows what she's doing. Okay. And can I say who I identify in this story? Or you know what, Griff, you can say. Who am I in this story?

The car? Um, oh, honestly. Brittany? Yes. Okay. Did I nail that? You did. Yeah.

Because Brittany was moving quick. She knew what she wanted. She got her agreement and she. Boom. Yes. Yeah. You are quick. Yep.

Hey, Brittany. Hey, Paris. All right. Are we ready for a little criminal or minimal to get us out of this 2000s Ferrari? Criminal or minimal? Not saying, love you. back to someone. Yeah.

That's not the answer. Criminal. If you love them. Oh, yeah, exactly. That fat-ass axtric's right there. Yeah, for sure. Criminal or minimal? Stomping back and forth across the length of your apartment at night until you hit your 10,000 steps.

Stomping? Well, just walking. So stomping. I'm going to say criminal. Because I think the reason you're asking it is because you have a sense that somebody's hearing it. And so if you, and you use the word stomping, and I don't really want to erase that. So I'm going to say criminal. Oh, your eyes, they're getting those little kitten eyes.

But I'm impervious to those, you know. I'm going to say criminal. I'm not allowed to walk around my house. I understand that sometimes you're, that's all you can do. But I just feel like it's, it's not really the point. the point of counting your steps isn't counting your steps between your couch and your

like sink. I just got to hit my 10,000. You don't have to. Also, just as a reminder, what floor do you currently live on? Top floor. Top floor. Got it.

So just echoes all the way down the building. Yeah, I'm, you know, I'm sticking with criminal here. You're trying to sway me. Criminal or minimal, submitted by Jess Zazuta, taking a 10-minute. minute nap at your desk when work is slow. Minimal. I love that.

At your desk? If you can take a 10 minute break and read an article or take a 10 minute break and take a dump or take a 10 minute break and get a cup of tea or talk shit with your coworker, why can't you take a 10 minute nap? At your desk. Nap culture needs to be embraced as a society. Ciesta. Come on.

Nap. I would encourage people to sleep longer. If you can get at least 90 minutes of Zs on the company's dime, I would encourage you to. Okay. Try to sleep and get paid. Okay. Yeah. When you're making money sleeping, I heard some icons say this.

That's when you know you've made it. However, I, you know, I didn't, I'm not answering, but I have a problem with sleeping at your desk. Where are you supposed to sleep? When I was at the boss consulting group, I was tired, especially during the fall during busy season. And I would take naps, but I would take a nap in an empty conference room. I found the perfect way to do it. Oh, the resentment. Criminal or minimal.

Using the tiny plastic cups at Chipotle that are intended for, I think, hot sauce or like sides of guacamole, and using them to fill up and give yourself a sample of lemonade. Criminal or minimal. What is it with you in tiny cups? Because you had that tiny cup butter moment, which I did rule minimal at the movie theater. And you've brought more tiny cups into the petty crimes for it. To put a stop in it, I'm going to say criminal.

Thank you. Yeah. And that's powerful. You know what? Real friends don't enable each other. What do we do? We sub-n- Yeah, they're honest.

Yeah, exactly. We got there. This one is really kind of wild. It's simple. But I was at a wedding recently and someone was talking about this. Criminal or minimal. Flipping a coin to determine your last name. Here is my question.

Okay. Did she flip a coin to decide whether she was keeping her last name or taking his? Or did the couple flip a coin to decide if they would be taking her last name, or his. The former is the sense that I got from that. And that's a really good clarifying question. If she was truly of two minds about it, minimal. You can decide to go to college by flipping a coin. You can decide whatever you want by flipping a corn. It's your life. But if the second she flipped it, she had a feeling of regret, I hope she went with that. That's so interesting. I mean, I completely agree about that with this actual criminal minimal. It's so funny when people say flip a coin and then see how you feel.

Because it's like, what's the point of flipping the coin then? Oh my God. It tells, it's so informative. It's like that thing at a restaurant where like say, Griff, you're waffling and you can't decide if you want the buffalo chicken pizza or the Cubano. And I go, get the Cubano. The second I say that, don't you know which one you wanted? I'm the wrong person to be asking this to, but I completely understand what you mean. when asking a mortal.

But I agree with the criminal or minimal, like, last name decision. Totally, totally. Yeah. But it's like however you get there. Totally. I'm more of a like, if I'm at the point of flipping a coin, then I'm going to go with what the coin says because I've already gone through the like waffling of it all. And now I'm at a point where I need a concrete decision to be made for me.

And wherever that leads, I'll go. And if you ever flipped a coin and you felt a certain way afterward, would you give yourself the grace to then go with that choice? Sure. Sure. I would. In this hypothetical scenario. Yeah, in this hypothetical scenario. Yeah, but I know a lot of people who do that, they flip a coin. They're like, how does that make you feel?

And I said there being like, well, she could have answered that without flipping the coin. It helps. Okay. You know what? This was a fantastic episode. Thanks for presenting. Love you. Love you too. I love your pants. Thanks. Till next time. Stay petty.

This episode was produced by Amber Watson with engineering from Kobe Guilford and Eric Hicks. and additional production support from Razak Boykin. The show is executive produced by Kevin Hart, Brian Smiley, Mike Stein, Eric Eddings, and Leslie Guam. Hey guys, luxury again. You just heard an episode of the podcast, Petty Crimes, and we really hope you enjoyed it. Petty Crimes is available wherever you get your podcasts, and Diallo and I will be back with a new episode of One Song next week. See you then.