How Do I Ask Friends For Help?
00:00It's funny. I think I remember a tweet that was like, you just found like eternal lasting love andhappiness. Like, why don't you get me a blender?Yeah, exactly. A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast forentertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical orpsychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional.Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham.And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein.Great to be back with you.
00:34How's it going?How's everything been?You are looking good with your fresh keratin, your pink shirt.If you are not watching on YouTube, you should just to see how beautiful Jordana looks.Oh, thank you.Or Spotify video.Well, it's funny you should say that, right?Because I was actually thinking about that a couple days ago because I was scheduled to get my
00:55carotin appointment.I have, as you know, quite frizzy curly.hair. Bring it back. Well, you just, but them saying, the positive reinforcement that I get. Sorry. That's what I wassaying. Like, no, but it's funny. You should say that because that's the response I get. Like,your hair looks great when my hair is like silky, smooth, and straight. And I was thinking about it becauselike I was between keratin cycles and it's the middle of the summer here and it's humid. And I waswearing it like kind of curly for a few days, like wavy curly. And I was like, this isn't so bad.Until I'm like, look how great she looks when she gets rid of all of it.
01:33No, I think you kind of have to, it is so true.You have to like go through the growing pains of getting to the other side.And like, I would love to post that curly picture of us when we were both like super curly.I was probably like 28 and you were like 18.But here's the thing.I think people would say they look great.I think people would say that.but I do think there is a part of me,
02:00and maybe this is my own beliefor maybe it's my projected belief onto others,is that if you put the picture of the two of uswith curly hair there next to a picture of us,both with straight hair,and you said to a blind audience,which pair of women is more attractive,I do think they will pick the straight-haired ladies.
02:17Yeah, maybe.I think it's just, yeah.It's sad.I agree.Like, I wish I could,I wish I were confident enough to own the curls.Well, also,once you get Karen and you have to kind of let it grow out and let your curls kind of come back.
02:33But I get a lot of compliments when I wear my hair curly because I think people are like,whoa, that's a whole new.That's a whole new look.Like I remember, I didn't even notice like I just for a while, like in the winter I wear my hairstraight a lot because it's not humid and I can just do it and it lasts like,I don't, I'm embarrassed to say how long I go without washing my hair in the wintertime.Like I wash it, I blow it out and I leave it for like a week. So it's just so easy. And I forgetthat like I don't wear a curly and that I was amongst people that had almost never seen it curly.
03:15And I walked in and I just forgot. And I was wearing my hair curly and everyone was like, oh my God. And I was like,what? Your hair. And I was like, oh, right. Like this is my now.natural hair. Let's get into our episode. If you have an email, you can email us at oversharingat betches.com. If you want to tell us how crazy we sound and you'll never take advice from us again.Or you can leave us a voicemail. We have a voicemail this episode at 646363, 6294. If you would like tosubscribe to this podcast, you get all the episodes ad free and a day early as well as two bonus episodesa month. And if you want to be able to do that.want to get even more involved, you can join one of Dr. Naomi's therapy groups. Yeah, if you still
04:01trust my sanity and you would like to join us in a therapy group, come find us, Naomi Bernstein.com.Yeah, I just came off a bunch of groups now. It's like, ah, it's the best. It's so heartwarming.Favorite part of my week, honestly. So come join us, Naomi Bernstein.com.In Toronto, every arrival is a statement. And nothing says,it better than this. Cadillac Optic was the number one selling luxury EV in Canada for 2025.Find your rhythm across a seamless 33-inch display and an immersive 19 speaker AKG surround audiosystem. This city demands agility and optic delivers with precision to make every drive extraordinary.Let's take the Cadillac. Find out more at Cadillac canada.ca. Luxury sales claim based on
04:49S&P Global Mobility Canadian New Vehicle Total Registrations for calendar year 2025 for theCadillac definition of luxury. Okay, let's get into it. I'll read ourfirst overshare. Dr. Naomi and Jordana love the pod and hearing your wise words every week.I'm a 32-year-old female. This year, I've gone through a lot from getting out of a long-termrelationship to a sudden medical diagnosis that has changed my entire life, breast cancer. It's beenoverwhelming and emotional. The issue I've come across when I'm telling friends about this is that Idon't entirely know how to ask for support, which differs from close friends to friends I am notthat close with. As things have been hectic, I've even stopped replying to the typical, let me know how I can
05:27help and I'm here for you texts or even the response which is typically you're so active,healthy and young reply. I have found myself a bit more short temper due to the chaos. I have beenthinking about creating a shared document to share with friends listing out how people can supportme, whether it be by buying me a meal or item on my Amazon list, helping me with tasks,offering a ride to chemo appointments, etc. This saves me from having to ask people for helpand letting friends know exactly how they can support, aka putting the onus back on them.With everything going on, I have noticed the friends who show up more versus those who won'treach out unless I initiate.
06:03I understand some people might be scared to ask or don't want to bother me.My question is, how can I communicate to everyone, how I want to be supported during thisdifficult time?Please help.Yeah, I think this is a good idea, but I do think it needs to come with some context.It's an uncomfy feeling to ask for help for a lot of people.And if you're constantly doing that with people all the time, it can feel.really draining. And then sometimes there might be the occasion where you put yourself out there and you
06:33ask for help. And the person's like, uh, sorry. This was just an empty gesture. Sorry.Or that. Yes. So I do like the idea for anyone who said, I'm here, let me know how I can helpto just have one blanket, you know, document that's like, this is, these are all the things I need.these are my appointments, fill in a time slot that works for you.If you can help drive or here are the items, you know, if you want to buy a gift for carepackage type thing or help with a meal or a gift card, these are the things that I actuallyneed.I do think some kind of note along with it that just explains that, like it's hard to ask for help
07:18and I'm very drained already, that no person.pressure, but this is kind of the best way that I have come up with to seek out help in a difficultsituation and just kind of explaining the emotional piece behind why you're doing it in this wayand being vulnerable about this ask and the kind of the clinical nature in which you're doingit, I think would be more well received than just like sending out a Excel spreadsheet with nocontext. I understand the like thought process behind the sheet or the or the,you know, the list of things that she needs to do. But it just feels like a little.If I think about again, why people want to help people, I don't know that this would feel
08:10like make them feel as connected to her as if she would explain her situation to close friendsand without the Excel sheet or something. Like,I don't know. I just feel like if you have close friends who are the ones who would be helping you, I would assume. I would assume only a close friend is going to help you with like appointments to your chemo or sending you a meal or things like that. I feel like that's like a conversation that you would want to have with them, which is a vulnerable conversation and it feels weird. But I think like sending out a you, you yourself sending out this like checklist of all the ways people can help you doesn't feel to me like something that I.would expect to receive from a close friend. I think I'd rather have a conversation with them where theyeven just said this vulnerably. I feel like everything is kind of chaotic and I don't have alwayshave time to answer. But like if someone asks you, how can I help? There are some things thatactually would make my whole life a lot easier. And even like that thing, I think that person wouldprobably try to facilitate this on your behalf. Okay. That's fair. But I also, I, that last
09:17sentence, I agree with. It's maybe having someone else facilitate it. That makes sense.But it's not really about what makes other people comfortable.Like if someone is genuine in saying, I want to help, what can I do?Maybe she doesn't feel like having that vulnerable conversation four times.Like she said, she's kind of testy and burnt out.And like maybe she doesn't want, like, she's not in the mood to connect emotionally right now.Like this is hard and heavy.She's young.
09:48Like it sounds like she's single and like doesn't have a partner to help herwith all, like, taking out the trash and, like, I don't know, getting a drink of water when she'salready lying in bed. And I do think that when you are a friend of someone who's going throughsomething like this, when you offer to help, it has to be like, I'm willing to help you in a waythat isn't the way that I want to help. It's in the way of like what you need, like in a selflessway. It's almost like when these big, heavy, hard things happen, like a cancer diagnosis or adeath in the family, like some friends would be like, yeah, I want to sit and talk about like yourfeelings about your diagnosis, be like, that's not what I want right now. What I want is like a,
10:41you know, a big order of like Mexican fajitas to show up at my door every Wednesday night atseven o'clock because that's what I feel like eating or whatever the thing is.Like I guess what I'm saying is like she wants to be a little selfish and wants her friendsto follow through with their gesture of like, how can I help? And it doesn't,I don't think she wants to have this conversation five times. Yeah. No, I get that. That's why Iunderstand the other side of it. Maybe if there's like a, I don't know, like I agree,like a vulnerable note that goes along with the spreadsheet. Maybe like the top of the spreadsheet ortop of the document says like, hey, if you're getting this, you've asked me how you can help.
11:25I really hate the idea of asking you guys for anything, but I am going through this and it is hard,especially like going through it alone. And if you do want to help, I've created a list so that youdon't have to, so that you could just like know the things that would actually be really beneficialto me. Feel free. Obviously, if you can't or you don't have time or you don't have energy or youdon't have the resources to do any of this. It's not a big deal. But if you, for anyone who's asked,all of these things would be super helpful to me. And yeah, maybe if she does want to have thatvulnerable conversation, she can have that when she's in the mood with one or two people,but she doesn't have to have it that many times with all these people. But then I think sometimes
12:06we've talked about this on here before where people get stuck in like having to respond to textmessages where it feels like, and especially if you're going through this, now it feels like I'm eitherbeing rude by not responding or it's like this other chore that I have to do to respond. And someonesays, please let me know how I can help. And you're like, I either have to think of a task to givethem right now that I can't really think of in the moment or like, now I have to rack my brainto pick out just the right thing for this person to do. Do you know what this reminds you?me of, which is a great opportunity to talk about it, your friend had started a website withsomeone that I know. I think I just looked it up. It's called Jady. And basically, I think it's a
12:52place where, like, you can register for kind of like items revolving, like, like an illness. Like,if you have cancer, there's like certain, like, you can kind of build your own registry so thatpeople can get you things without you necessarily having to ask. Yes, totally.Yeah. Can you say the name of the website again?It's called hellojad.com, J-A-D-E-Y.You can like make a registration for these kinds of things.But if you want, but it's more task-oriented.Obviously, this is good if you're like,
13:26it would be great to get me this, you know,like these pajama pants,which are really great for like chemo or whatever, you know,these things that I need in my chemo treatment bag,that best gifts for, there's like a product guide,best gifts for someone in treatment.But for the actual acts of service part, right?The list is also related.
13:47I mean, I guess it makes sense.It's like, why should you, it's funny because like for a wedding or I had a baby,I had two babies and people were always like, well, what do you need?And I'm like, here's the registry.Like there's like, I don't want to have to tell you like, can you please get me likesome sets of onesies?I'm like, these are all the things that you need.And there's a website that organizes like, who's a who's a who's,
14:10if someone's already bought them or not.Totally.And this is the same thing for cancer treatment.I'm not sure that they have this on the website,but this is basically that for like things that you need,rides or meals or other things aside from different products that might behelpful.That's like an extra expense that people have to spend on top of their medical bills.
14:35Right.Which I actually feel like I'd be more inclined to than getting someone anotherengagement gift.and wedding gift.Like that seems like a lot more important feeling than, you know, a lot of the events thatyou actually, everyone, society already accepts as natural for getting gifts for.Yeah, you're already happy.Like it's already such a good, happy thing.
14:58Right.Let's help the people that are going through something.Yeah.Really hard.So yeah, find that website.If you have anyone in your life that's going through something.Yes.Tough.
15:08Bring a little joy to the people who are really, really, really.needing it. Hellojadie.com. And yeah, it's funny. I think I remember a tweet that was like,you just found like eternal lasting love and happiness. Like, why don't you get me a blender?Yeah, exactly. It's so true. So yeah, this is the same thing, but for like acts of service that youmight need like a housekeeper, right? Like I'd put that on my registry if I was going throughchemo, like, that would be great. So I can get someone to help me clean my apartment so that I don'thave to worry about that while I'm like recovering. Yeah, I would much rather chip in to get someonewho's like sick and unwell, you know, bring them some joy than someone who's like blissfully in
16:01love and I mean, all those people, great. Yay. Fuck those people. I'm just kidding. No, that's,Yeah, this is, no, this is, I think I actually, you know, the more are we talking through this,the more I think it's a good idea. I, I like it. Pair it with a little note, self-aware note thatthis is like a strange thing. And thank you all and no pressure. All right, let's do abetcha-sist. Do you want to read this one? Dear Jordana and Dr. Naomi, I wanted to get both yourperspectives on resentment, guilt, and how to stay on the same team during infertility.my husband and I are about to start IVF after a year and a half of trying to conceive.Throughout this process, as many do, I've thrown myself into doing everything I possibly can.
16:50I've changed how I work out, overhauled my diet, cut back on alcohol, taken all the supplements, done every fertility test under the sun, etc.Every test on my end has come back normal, but I think I subconsciously assume the problem must somehow be me because I'm the one whose body has gone through all.of this. My husband has been incredibly supportive. He's been to appointments, comforted me after everyfailed cycle, and has truly been my partner through all of this. Recently, he had his second semenanalysis, and for the second time it showed low morphology. The first time we brushed it off becauseit was early in this process and we'd spent a lot of time in saunas a few months beforehand.Now that it's happened twice, it feels like this could have potentially been the main issue allalong. My gut reaction when I saw the results was, I've spent the last year and a half doing everything
17:42humanly possible and now I'm about to go through IVF, the hormones, injections, appointments,the emotional roller coaster, and you're telling me it was potentially something on your sideall along? I immediately felt guilt for even thinking that because I know male infertility isn'tsomething someone chooses, just like I didn't choose infertility. I know that if the roles were reversed,I'd be devastated if he'd blamed me.But at the same time, I find myself wanting to say, can you please take this just as seriouslyas I am?He's made some changes.
18:14He's signed up for a marathon to get healthier.He's taking supplements, but he's not as obsessive or consistent as I am.For example, I often need to remind him to take his supplements, drinking here and there onwork trips.He wants kids, but he's never really shown the same visceral desire, urgency to have a kidthat I have through this whole process.which I get is probably more biological than anything.I'm embarrassed by how resentful I initially felt because I know he's been an amazing husband
18:43through this whole process.I don't actually think he's done anything wrong and I don't want to keep score,but I also can't seem to shake this feeling that the burden both physically andmentally has fallen so heavily on me.I would love both of your insights on how to stop yourself from subconsciously assigningblame when something feels unfair.And how do you ask your partner to show up in a way that feels meaningful to you without makingthem feel like they're being blamed for something that they might not ultimately be able to
19:12even control? And curious, Jordana, if you ever experienced any of this during your own fertilityjourney, how do I get to, how do we solve this together? And how can I feel like we're equallyinvested in this? Thank you both and sorry, this was long. Definitely could have written this at one point,I think. It is very, I think this is very, very, very,common in the fertility space. It's like very, it can be very, I want to normalize that it can bevery like tense in a relationship when one person is like a little obsessed as she and I, um,were and are. And the other person is like, yeah, I think it's going to happen and I, it'll happeneventually and it's fine. Um, and like a few things, I will say. She's doing IVF. Morphology. I actually
20:03think is the least important one of the sperm measures that they do because they usually dosomething called Ixie in when they're making embryos in IVF, which is basically they like canpick out the best looking sperm and put it in the egg. So if you have a low morphology, which meanslike a lower percentage of your sperm than normal is like the right shape, it doesn't really matterbecause there's like a million sperm. Picking them out anyway. Right. They're going to pick the best lookingone. So like, and there's still probably like 600,000 good looking ones in the thing, which is likefrustrating. And I totally understand her frustration because fertility can feel like so much moreburdensome on the woman. It's just like so much more physically taxing. Like there's so much more you have to,
20:48you have to go under anesthesia to get your eggs taken out. So you, of course you're taking it seriously.Plus, I do think there's that biological feeling of like fear and age and. And,the feeling that you needed to happen sooner as opposed to like many men are kind of like,yeah, it'll happen when it happens. So I do think, it's funny how she's like, how do I feel likewe're both equally invested in this? I don't think she's ever going to feel that.Because I don't think you can like ask someone to be more invested in something that they are,it sounds like he's invested, but not to the level that she is. And I don't think he's ever going to getthere. But I don't think that that's like the issue.
21:29really. I think the issue is like, do you feel supported? Do you, because you are very invested.This is very important to you. So do you feel supported? Do you feel seen? Do you feel validated?Do you feel like the other person is understanding what you're going through? I think like these things arealmost like symptoms of what you're actually looking for, which is like someone to acknowledge how muchyou're doing to get to this point and how and how mentally and physically difficult it is.and like a consistent acknowledgement of what you're, what you're doing.And maybe like if you can think of an actual tangible way that they can help you besides that,I think that's, that's great.
22:14Well, it sounds like perhaps her actual tangible way, which I think is maybe just a symbolic.It sounds like a little more symbolic.Her actual tangible way is like, don't have a drink on your work trip and like be more on top ofsupplements, which I just think is not going to be helpful. It's just going to make him moreannoyed. And I don't think it's going to matter because he doesn't believe it matters. So that's whyhe's not doing it also. And like you said, the reality is, even if a higher percentage of his spermwere the right shape, it doesn't matter. They're going to pick out the best ones anyway. So I think you have tolet go. I think it is just this fairness of like how much I am sacrificing and he is just.
22:59not, it seemed like it made her sacrifice versus his seemed like it was just made sense when hisend of it didn't matter. Now that she thinks his end of it matters, it's kind of like, well,you better shape up and you better get on board and sacrifice as much as I'm sacrificing.But what I hear you saying is like, that's just not going to happen. His sacrifice is never going tomatch your sacrifice. That's just not the way the cookie is crumbling. Right. And I don't know thatyou need it to is something that, you know, I've come to believe. I really think it's more, I thinkif she felt really seen and really validated and really like the person acknowledged frequentlythe extent to which this affects her, again, both physically and mentally, I don't think
23:52she would feel as frustrated with him. Because I, when I was feeling this,the most, I had felt, I think, more mentally alone in the challenge. Like, again, like the resultsmattered much more to me or like the other person didn't see how hard it was. She's saying that hereally was there for her and that he really was like emotionally present and, you know, maybe she needsmore of it. But it does sound like she wants him to kind of like put his money where his mouth is. And I get that,you know, or maybe she just needs more of that. Like now that we're starting IVF, he's going to need toreally go back to that, you know, kind of appreciation and acknowledgement. It does. And in anyrelationship, that goes such a long way. Just, I see you. That sounds so hard. That sounds so
24:47annoying. I can't believe you had to go through that. Even the little things like,oh, I can't believe the doctor was two hours late and you had to see.sit there for two hours. That's so frustrating. Like, you know, being able to acknowledge, like,I have it so much easier than you do and that sucks. Or I wish there was something that I could doto make this easier for you, but there isn't. We'll make you then not ask him to do somethingthat's irrelevant, like not have a drink on his work trip, which is like, that's not going to helpanything. I think what would help more is him just saying, like, I appreciate everything you're doingto make sure we have a family.
25:26Like, it's so incredible everything you're doing.And to just listen and listen to you completely what you said.Because like there are so many little thingswhen you're going through infertility that are really frustrating.And it can feel really isolating if the person doesn't feel like,if you don't feel like your partner cares or is investedor like seeing the struggles that you're going through,I think that's the part that gets really hard.
25:49And sometimes you really do in any relationshiphave to spell it out for them what you want.which doesn't feel great in the beginning.But once you do that, it feels great when you get the communication that you're lookingfor where you have to tell them, like, I don't want you to fix it.I'm not asking you to like call the doctor's office and like complain about.I just want you to say, wow, that sucks.Sometimes it is helpful because this is going to be a journey to like write out the script
26:19for him.I was like, what it is that you need to hear.Our couples therapist did that for us. It was great. Not every time. You're not going to need to do that every time, but to do that like once or twice so that he knows what it is that you need to hear. And then from then on, he can take it from there and he'll get the hang and then he'll kind of write it in his own words after a while. And it will start to feel more genuine for him to give you that validation that you need. But I get that it's frustrating because it is going to be back on you. Like there's not that much that he can do.annoyingly. I agree. It feels very biologically unfair that I would say that to Mike all the time.Because after we, you know, we had the embryos, I was just like, you could literally die and I could,and I would do the rest. Like, we don't even need you. Like literally like I have this, the sperm'salready there. Like, so sweet. It really brings you together. Yeah. And I could see the temptationto want to just pick something to like give him a task. Like, right. Don't take your,
27:23supplements and don't, I see this even with couples before they start trying to get pregnant.Like I have a lot of couples that will come in and they'll be like, well, he's still drinking toomuch or he's still smoking weed. And like if we're going to become parents, like he's going to need,like if we're trying to get pregnant, he's going to need to like stop doing this, this, this and this.And it's just kind of like giving the person a task in preparation for the fact that you're not going to be able to smoke weed and you're not going to be able to drink and you're not going to be able to stay out late.So you're just kind of being like, I just want you to come along on this journey to inconvenience town with me.To show support.To show support.
28:09Some people do do that.And that's nice.It doesn't sound like that's the way he would like to show support.And, you know, maybe I could see if you don't want this person like getting drunk in front of you or like, of course, like, you know, smoking weed in the house or, you know, like there's definitely things that you could do to make someone feel supported in that way of, you know, being inconvenience. But I think some couples will just try to like task the other person with random things that don't really matter that much just it. So they can feel like they're pulling them.in a way. Even just I got a new job and I'm working crazy hours and now I'm going to give you like abunch of more things to do at home just to like even the score. Like I think this can show up in a lot ofways. You don't need it to actually be equal. You just need to feel appreciated. I think and seeagree. See. Okay. Let's do some intentions. This one's a voicemail. Let's roll the tape.
29:13Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi.I love listening to a podcast.I've been listening for years, and I'm so excited for you, Jordana, and your new little family.I was calling, hoping for an intention today.I have two little girls, and sometimes I find that when something happens, like, unexpectedly, or it could be, like, the simplest thing.Like a car is weaving in traffic or like puts on their brakes or I hear a loud noise or something and it makes my mind like spiral and go down a rabbit hole thinking like, okay, like how am I going to protect my kids?Like what am I going to do?How am I going to react?
30:01Like, for example, tonight I was putting my older daughter to bed in her room and I heard a really loud noise and I was pretty sure it was.a car but I'm like what if it's like an airplane or like a bomb or like it sounds ridiculoussaying it but like something's happening like what am I going to do if I can't get to my youngerdaughter like am I going to just like take my older daughter and run like how am I going toprotect both of them at the same time and that happens all the time a lot of times when I'm drivingbecause just like unpredictable things can happen all the time but yeah any type of intentionto help me when my mind starts to like spiral down those rabbit holes would be very helpful.Thank you very much.
30:49I don't want to diagnose her with anything, but I had a friend who used to talk aboutthis kind of thing a lot and she was very, very helped from some anti-anxiety medication.If that noise is very loud, it can dim that a little bit for you because I don't know how,you always said this before.like anxiety is very helpful to the extent that you can do something with it.And I think if there was a bomb or a car or an intruder or something like that,there's nothing that she, that no prep that she would really be able to do,she would be like entirely moved by the adrenaline of the situation and all the planning
31:31and mental prep that she's done would not actually be that helpful,save for a bad under the bed baby or something, whatever.instinct would definitely take over. I mean, I agree with you. This sounds like if it's happening allthe time that it is like intrusive thoughts or intrusive like visualizations. I don't know ifit's coming to her as like visualizations. It does sound like there's some intrusive likeintrusive thoughts, ruminations that could be helped depending on how often this is happening.I have an interesting story that I don't know. I'm hoping it'll make her feel better. I hope it doesn'tIs this about CBS?
32:09Yes.Yes.Okay.Great.Yeah.So I had a crazy experience that just, just to let you know that like your maternal.You should be scared.Your maternal instincts will take over and there's no amount of planning that you can do that you can prepare for any scenario.
32:30You're just going to like hop into action.And the moral of the story, which is why I think it'll make you feel better, that it is,one of my like proudest mom moments like I left there kind of feeling like a superhero so tell the storyyeah so the story is that I was with my middle daughter mattie and we were in CVS and we were just likeshopping in the makeup aisle and she was just like she was probably five six um and we're just likelooking I'm kind of like at one end of the aisle and she's at the other end of the aisle and she's likelooking at makeup and I'm getting whatever I'm getting. And all of a sudden, I hear like an extremelyloud bang. And I look up and there's like a hole in the wall of the CVS. And all of the shelves
33:27start like accordion falling, like on top of one another. And we're probably like the sixshelf in.And she's five.She's like way like short, lower than any of these shelves.The shelves like way over her head.And I see I'm at one end of the aisle and she's at the other end.And I see all of these shelves just falling like bang, bang, bang.And so I just bolt.
33:57What you wanted to say?A car had driven into the.Yeah.Right.Yeah.Sorry.A car had, I guess I found out later.that I guess there was like an elderly woman who was parked in the handicapped spot in front of the
34:12CVS. And instead of putting the car in reverse, she put the car and drive and like rammed right into the,like right through the wall of the CVS, knocked down the shelves. And they're all coming down one by one byone. And I like bolted, obviously, no prep, no time to think, bolted across the aisle,scooped her up in one arm and like ran to the back of the store as fast as I could and just ran likeaway from the chaos. That was just my instinct. Like scoop her up and run and run away from the soundof the blast, so to speak. And I get her to the back of the store and the entire store had likeall the shelves and all the items on all the shelves had fallen.down and there was a woman that was like trapped in all the rubble and she ended up thank
35:10God being fine um but it was that moment where it was just like there was no time to thinkand your instincts just take over i remember i was wearing flip flops i like lost my flip flop inthe debris like it was actually one of my favorite pairs of flip flops i still remember what they look likevery sad but um very sad we made we made we madeit out okay but it was like the moral of the story is when something like that happens you just jumpinto action there's no preparation that i think is going to unless you're a navy seal or somethinglike there's nothing you're going to do that's going to take that's going to serve you betterthan your own maternal instincts in that moment to just figure out what to do um and so you know i think
36:03back on it now and I'm like, I felt like a superhero. Yeah, that's pretty amazing. Do you make herthank you every day? No, but she remembers it. And she, I think she does feel like. That's core memory,I'm sure. Yeah. She feels like her mom was a superhero. Like, I could still remember the feeling of likeher little body under my one, like one arm and my other arm was like pumping. Right. You know,like, wow. Crazy. It's crazy. It was a crazy story. I think all this to say, I think if,there is an intention for you here, it's just trust, I can trust my maternal instincts.And if it is like you're saying, if it feels like it's, you know, rumination and it'sobsessive and it's, um, these intrusive, it does sound like intrusive thoughts that you
36:52might want to, you know, see someone.Yeah.Yeah.Because it does.And I hear it in your voice.Like it's exhausting and it's heavy and it's scary.and it's scary and you want to be able to enjoy bedtime with your daughter. And I think there aretherapies and medications that can help. I'm sure that maybe there are some visualizations that
37:14you're having in those moments that are really scary. So I feel for you, but I don't think there'sany, I mean, there's certain things. Like I remember for a while I was researching like fire ladders,you know, because we get a lot of lightning here in Texas like lightning storms and things like that.And I was like, okay, maybe we should get a fire escape ladder in each room.And like if there are certain things that you can do that might make you...The thing is, it doesn't sound like it's like one scenario.It sounds like it's like every scenario.It's right.
37:44Every car crashes and bombs and plane crashes and yeah.Right, which is to me where that's what kind of sets me off to think it might be more obsessive.Obsessive.Yes.Which, again, I had so much of that in pregnancy, like those like obsessive, intrusive thoughtsabout like bad things happening.And the Zoloft that I'm on has not gotten rid of that because you need some level ofthat.
38:08Like you need some level of like, yeah, I'm like protecting my family from danger with likeforethought.I should get an alarm system for my home, whatever it is.But it doesn't get rid of it, but it just quiets the noise and you can go about yourday more easily.Maybe get some professional help and I can trust my maternal instincts.That's my intention for you.Let's do some triggers. I will read our first one. Hi, Jordan and Dr. Naomi. Every year,
38:40my husband and I take an international trip with my family, my mom, dad, and sister. My parentsalways pay for big ticket things like the hotel and meals, and my dad uses his many airlinemiles to book our flights. My husband's sister and I pay for any activities we do. It's an importantnote for this story. I always create the trip itinerary. My family will send me TikToks andnews articles showing me what they're interested in seeing, and I make the plan. I'm very type A,so I love doing it.This year, we're going to Japan.That sounds so fun.
39:08Because the flights were so expensive, my dad booked three tickets with miles,and my sister, husband, and I split the cost of the remaining two tickets.Flash forward to this week, we leave in a few days.My family came over to run through our itinerary one last time.And my dad casually meant, can you mention being part of a family that this organized?I was just thinking that they have a meetup to run through the itinerary.That there is an itinerary.Can you imagine going anywhere with any itinerary that didn't involve like scheduled
39:34nap time. The only thing we schedule is like free time. Anyway, okay. Impressed. I'm impressed.My dad casually mentioned the three tickets got upgraded to first class. I asked how this was possible,and he said he paid an additional 100,000 miles to upgrade himself, my mom and my sister.My husband and I had to stay in coach. So much for not playing favorites. Planning a trip to Japanis tougher than most destinations as competition for reservations is cutthroat. I had to set alarms in themiddle of the night for special ticket sales and hard to get dinner reservations. I even wrote outstep-by-step instructions for going through immigration at the Tokyo airport in case we got separated.But none of that feels appreciated. I'm still very excited for the trip and I don't want to sound
40:16like a brat for not getting upgraded, but I have to know how triggered can I be that I did allthe work to plan this entire trip? And my dad chose to upgrade the rest of the family and not me,signed a betch with a neck pillow, not a lay flat seat. There's two of them, the husband and her.Right. I think this is kind of fair because one, in order for this to be to her liking, he would have had to upgrade everybody, right? Which I'm assuming would be a lot more. So he's either going to upgrade three people or he's going to upgrade five people. If he only wanted to upgrade three people, who would I pick as the three people is like himself and his wife. And then the one single sister.I kind of disagree a little bit. I do think it's like a little weird to leave a couplefamily members in coach when you're upgrading yourself and the other person to business. It doesfeel a little weird, especially when she's done all this work to plan the whole trip. Like I dokind of think it's the kind of thing where he should have done none or all. Right. Like not even
41:25upgraded himself. Maybe himself and his wife. Maybe I would say. Maybe himself and his wife, but not this. I just feel likeit's like a little weird to you're on the same flight.Your daughter and her,one of your daughters is up there with you,the other ones in the back with her husband.Like I do think there is a sense of like you're starting this trip off weirdly.Like only upgrading one of,one of your two children.
41:48Yeah, I get that.I do wonder,I hate to say this,could be wrong.I do wonder if there's this thing of kind of like,you're bringing your husband,sisters coming along.Right. They're paying for your husband. They think of that as like an extra thing that you're getting.
42:08Right. You're getting like an extra person paid for. She's coming a loan. Like you're getting a little extra perk by getting a plus one on this trip. She's not. So her first class ticket is her equivalent of her plus one. And also maybe a little bit of a feeling of like, I don't know. I don't know what the dynamic is.I did plan the whole trip, though.That is.But she also said she loves it.That's true.I don't, I, what I was going to say is I think sometimes in some families and I, this, I could be off base.I don't have enough information.But there is a little bit of this feeling of like the single sibling is a little bit like
42:53babyed or like protected.Right.In some way.Like you have a partner, dad and mom and dad.our partners. She's the fifth wheel to an extent. She's like the fifth wheel, so we're going to throw her this bone.Yeah. And you know what? I think that like I would, if it were me and one of our sisters and our parents,they're hypothetically together, I think if that was explained to me, like preemptively, like if theyjust called me and they were like, hey, I have these upgraded, like, I have these points. I'd like to upgrade
43:32like mom and I and your sister because one, she's already on the same reservation and I can'treally use points to upgrade your tickets. And two, you know, like I think she might feel a littlebad about traveling alone. I think this would be like a great fun way for her to start off thetrip. And I just wanted to let you know that I'm not like playing favorites. And I appreciate allyou that you plan for the trip. But like, do you mind if I just upgrade your sister or not you?Yeah. Love that as an ideal scenario. I can see there are several. I can see why she'supset because it is picking one sister or the other. But I think you'd almost have to pick neither,which would mean you'd have to go out of your way to separate the reservation just to not pick
44:12favorites. And I do think that like she got a plus one on this trip. The sister didn't. So you would dothe same thing. You're going on a trip to Japan with Lila and Maddie. Lila's got a boyfriend.Maddie's single. Are you upgrading you, Jeff and Maddie? Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.I mean, I think there is the fairness of like, we're paying for you to bring your partner.And so maybe we're paying for her to, if, I mean, I wouldn't do it just to do it.But if there's kind of like, there's this bunch, it's just easier to keep the bunch.We're going to have one, easier to just have one person come with us in first class.You guys are a couple.
44:55You'll snuggle up back there.You have each other.I think with all the factors considered, I don't see it.as that triggering.I think she plans it because she likes to.I don't think they didn't like assign her this role of planning it.And she's like, I'm so busy.I really don't have time.
45:14I really would rather not.And they're like, please, please, please.We really need you to plan this.That's true.And you know what?The other way would be a lot more triggering.If they left out the single sister back in coach and they upgraded the boyfriend.Yeah, the couple.
45:29that would be like an eight out of ten.Right.This is not as bad as you said.There's like someone that she can be with back there.But I do think like it's a little triggering to just like be told and not have thatrationale explained to you.I love your explanation.I think that would have made it a lot better.
45:47I'm not saying it's not triggering at all.But I do think I could see myself if I had to make this choice, maybe making this choice.I don't know what the dynamics are.you know, around the other sister and her neediness levels and how she feels about, you know,everything. Not that you should like placate with a first class ticket, but it's more like maybethey're just trying to do something nice for her if she's, you know, might feel a little like the oddperson out. I don't know what the dynamic is. She didn't really give enough details about that. Butsomething to keep in mind. If you wanted to, I think you could call your dad and just ask him to walk you
46:28through the thought process of not including you and just say next time just like let me knowbecause I felt a little like oh like you're favoring whatever but I will say siblings stuff istough and feeling you know favorite that they're playing favorites is a common dynamic I'll giveit a four right if only you didn't have that damn husband maybe you would have gotten involvedin the I think you would have gotten the free ticket and the free upgrade perhapsI'll give it a three and a half though.I do think it's like, it feels,it'll just feels a little jarring to walk past your family in first class
47:05and then you're headed off to coach.Just make lots of jokes about it.Yeah.And how well rested they're going to be when they get there.Right.Make them handle everything once they get there because they're going to be so relaxed.All right.Let's do another trigger.
47:20Dear Jordana and Dr.Naomi, first off, huge congrats to Jordana.I started listening to you guys with baby steps when I was going through fertility challengesand now have a perfect one-year-old, and I love that Jordana has that joy now as well.A couple of years ago, my husband sadly lost both of his grandparents in a short period of time.When his grandfather died, my mother-in-law and his aunt put together a beautiful photo collageof his life with tons of pictures.I was not in a single one.
47:49All the other grandchildren-in-law were included.There were even photos from all the other family weddings that had happened, but not ours.Of course, I was disappointed.but didn't say anything because I was obviously not going to make that day about me.Then his grandma passed a few months later, same deal with the photo collage.And again, I'm completely absent.I never mentioned it to anyone and just pondered internally why I would be excluded,especially by my mother-in-law, who has always been so lovely and told me how much she loves
48:18having me as a daughter-in-law.Fast forward a year and a half, and we attend the wedding of my husband's cousin.Our daughter was only four months old, but we still made the effort.and trekked to a remote location and handled our very upset daughter at a wedding that wascompletely past her bedtime. I even walked around with her outside for an hour in a carrier in heelsso she could nap while we were there. When we got the thank you card, they included a photo of myhusband's family from the wedding and I am not in it. No, it wasn't taken when I was walking outside.I was there, but clearly just out of frame. I know I was in other photos that could have been included.
48:57at this point I caved and told my husband about all of it and he said, I'm sure they don't mean it.But I felt that just dismissed my feelings.How triggered can I be?Sincerely, a picture is worth a thousand words batch.I do feel like this might just be like a little coincidental.Like you weren't in the picture that they liked or you happened to be cut off.Like it just seems like a weird time to be showing off.you know, like purposely excluding someone from a picture.
49:30Like I do think it might just be coincidence.Yeah, I had the same feeling.I get it.It feels like a annoying coincidence.And I could see why after the third time you're starting to take it personally.But it sounds like you have a great relationship with your mother-in-law.She gives you positive affirmation.She really likes you.
49:52I just think sometimes when you're putting together those types of colloquy,is it's about the person's relationship with that person, like who's passed away. Like,did you have a relationship with his grandfather? Did you have a relationship with his grandmother?If the answers, no, they probably weren't seeking out photos of the two of you. And this isn't likego, it's not like there's a framed picture in their home that includes everyone but you. Like,this is like for the person at the memorial or whatever. Like it does not feel personal.Yeah, I mean, honestly, I think the real hard truth is they just forgot about you.They just forgot about you.
50:34Which is okay.Yeah, I don't think they purposely excluded you.I don't think they wanted to purposefully cut you out.I just think they forgot that you existed because they were focused on this grief of thisgrandmother that you weren't, it doesn't sound like particularly close to.Close to.And the grandfather you weren't particularly close to.And the cousin.
50:56and I don't think you sounded like you were particularly close to.Like if our grandparents, they're already dead.But if they died recently and you were putting together the photo collage,I don't think you would be like,I need to make sure that Mike is in it.Yeah, make sure Mike get,I don't,because I don't think it would be something that would be like top of mind for you.
51:17You would just pick the pictures and maybe make sure like their core nuclear familywas in them and whoever else happened to be.You were in one.Right.Make sure that all the grandchildren.children were in one.Yeah.I wouldn't be checking for like in-law.
51:31Spouses.Right.Yeah.I agree with that.Especially during a grief time.Like that's not what you're.Yeah.Focusing on.
51:40So from now on, every time there's a family picture, you just run up.You get front and center.So they say the next person who dies, I'm going to be in that montage.The matriarch or the patriarch.Right.The oldest person in the room, snuggle right?Go right next to them.Just be like, I'm not.
51:56missing another memorial montage. No, I get it. I could see why it feels that way. I might evenfeel that way too. Whenever there's a montage, you're kind of like, yeah, you're looking forpictures of you. Yeah. Am I going to make an appearance? I do that at all the bat mitzvahs.Yeah. Everyone's looking for. Oh. And then when you see yourself, maybe more than you thought youwould, it's flattering. Right. Or less than you thought it would, you would. You're like,I guess maybe I should call them more.Exactly right. Exactly right. So I don't think it was intentional. I just think that they weren't really thinking about you. And it doesn't mean anything other than they were just like not focused on the people who married into the family in those moments. Yeah. I'd let this one go. Yeah, I'll let it go. I'll give it a two. All right. Same. Well, we did it. All right. We did it. Yeah. That's our time. Great work today.Betches
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