Pablo Torre Finds Out - An Invite-Only Halftime Show, the King of Commercials, and Taylor Swift's Secret Weapon: Your Super Bowl Mysteries, Solved

Episode Date: February 9, 2024

Pablo's detective agency is back, just in time for Super Bowl Sunday, with the face-melting concert that puts Usher to shame, the flag-football fantasy draft, the most shameless celebrity endorser of all time, and yet more shameless content for the Swifties. Plus: That @ArtButMakeItSports guy has gotta be using A.I., right? What does Pablo's laugh sound like? And is the Miami Heat mascot on drugs? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to Pablo Torre finds out. I am Pablo Torre, and today we're going to find out what this sound is. Prince is the only person, maybe in the world, in the history of the world, that could make the Super Bowl his bitch. Right after this ad. You're listening to Draf King's Network. It's so cold in here. My nipples are hard. I didn't need to know that.

I'm just letting you know. Although I guess now everyone can see that. Don't look. for the podcast audience. This non-mailbag mailbag is starting in a way that is more about Ryan Cortez that I'm prepared

for already. I like that. Give the people the number. 51385 Pablo. 51385 Pablo. That is our number. We're a detective agency. We self crimes and journalistic inquiries. And this is our Super Bowl edition

of the non-mail bag detective agency episode that we like to do. Yes, and I think the first call is one we should play first because it mentions my name first, so let's play that call first, I guess. Okay, Cortez, so I saw this on Reddit and it couldn't be more accurate. I cannot stop thinking about it, and I was hoping you've noticed this too. Pablo's laugh. Does he sound like a cartoon character sobbing? That's a very specific kind of shade. And I don't agree. Well, I agree with the caller and I disagree with you. Sorry for enjoying my job. Why am I being

shamed for enjoying the job of hosting this show? Nobody's saying you can't laugh. We're picking at how you're laughing. Let's take a listen at how you laugh and see if this caller is on to something or not. Bro, I mean, he's kind of on to something. You do sound a little bit like a cartoon character. I dispute this. I just

play it again. Yes, play it again, play it again. We need to hear a couple more times, please. First of all, that caller's right. My favorite thing you do laughter-wise, where I feel like I've reached the pinnacle of a Pablo laugh is when you suck in air while trying to laugh, you do this thing where it'll be like, but there's still a laugh coming out, my favorite.

And so I think there is an element of a weeping cartoon character. Athletically speaking, isn't great. The thing about my laugh, which I'm now self-conscious about in ways that I already was, but now just more, Dominique had previously texted me something about my laugh. He texted me at 8.51 a.m. on December 1st, a Friday. You laugh like a comic book villain who has just executed an ingeniously elaborate plan, which results in a minor crime.

I think your name should be Rube Goldberg or mischievous or the inconveniencer. And I would give that the laugh it deserves, except now I refuse to. Well, Dominique is right. The caller's right. Next question, please. Hi, Pablo. This is Catherine. I'm here watching my first Miami Heat game, and I really have to ask you, what the hell is that mascot? It's going to give me nightmares. Thanks so much. So for people who don't remember the Miami Heat mascot, so I guess I don't remember it either. What is it? A big giant fat bird. You know, in Miami, they have signs on a lot of the bathroom to say, please don't do cocaine in the bathroom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That bird looks like a bird that's done cocaine. That's what it looks like to me. Let me look this up.

His name's Bernie. He's been the heat mascot. He's been sued quite a few times. Connor McGregor punched him. Oh my God. So when you say a bird, I'm now realizing. I did not identify this as a bird until you mentioned the cocaine part. Now it feels like a bird whose nose has been damaged to the point of needing surgical repair

because of the amount of cocaine he's done. Not from Connor McGregor punching it, but from the cocaine. Isn't this thing also just like Bernie? It isn't this like fire? Isn't this like heat personified? You think this is a bird? So the technical definition is that it's sort of a anthropomorphic version of the heat logo, the flame, the basketball on fire.

That's not a fucking basketball on fire. That's a cocaine bird. We solved it. We're good here. I don't think we've solved anything. I only have more questions about all of this. Next. Pablo, just caught the latest episode.

And let me tell you something. Cortez actually undersold how amazing love after lockup is. If you don't know what somebody means when they say, Mother's fucking cracked, then you're totally missing out, my man. That wasn't even a question. But a great call, none the ones. What are we doing?

Our A block? This is how we're beginning, our non-super Bowl or non-mail bag, mailbag, about the Super Bowl? It's not my fault that our callers are watching Love After Lockup and the Miami Heat. Another thing I don't actually even understand. So what this caller is referring to, right?

is an iconic moment in love after lockup, this couple, Clint and Tracy. Clint is your non-prison person in the couple. Tracy is the prison person in this love after lockup. So Clint is unprisened. Unprisoned hasn't been there, okay? He falls in love with this girl, Tracy. Tracy's got meth problems and does this thing

and that thing she's missing teeth, but he calls her, my goddess. I guess I should not ask what this thing and that thing are if you said meth, but not those things. Correct. He's obsessed with her, right? They end up breaking up, and there's this pivotal moment.

moment where he calls, Clint calls his mom. She left me for her. She has a problem. And his mom says, what's her problem? And he just goes, mother f***ing crack. I hate that. I can't even laugh anymore without thinking about what I sound like. She left me for her addiction. What is your problem? Mother fucking crack. So the thing was crack. Well, that thing. I mean, there's a lot of things. How many of them are crack? You know, more than one. She's been doing some track. Yo, Pablo, can you find out who, or can you figure out the, the, the, oh, so you kind of want calls that make sense now about love after lockup?

Oh my God. Because some of the other calls sound like that. I love our listeners. I am worried also about our listeners. I'm not here to make fun of that person. Like, Jen, what the hell are you doing? Hold on. What happened?

What? That's the call that we teed up. producers behind the glass. Was that their only call? Okay. They called again, apparently. Played the real call. Let's see what this person.

Help me help you, call her. Yo, Pablo, can you find out the qualifications to be the person of the year for Times Magazine since the 1920s? They had a rough go at it. Yeah. Good and bad people, I guess. So, yeah, peace. So I'm familiar with Time magazine. The hell is Times Magazine?

I believe he's referring to Person of the Year, which has had good and bad people on both sides, as it were. Okay. I have a weirdly personal knowledge of this question because I happen to have been in attendance at the Time Person of the Year banquet. So this award, Time Man of the Year, it used to be. It did go to like, I'm looking through the list here. FDR won it, but so did it. Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin. There's a lot of just like,

okay, yeah, very historical, serious. Nikita Khrushchev, shout out to you. Sounds like a sham to me. Like, they're just picking famous people. They don't care. They're not doing anything specific here. Well, so lately the question would be, like, how did you go to Taylor Swift?

Well, it's because, yeah, much like everybody in our business now, Colin Coward included. Silver Fox. Pandering to the Swifties, there is some element of like, wait, can we get Taylor Swift to come to this? Yeah.

And by the way, she's also kind of the biggest pop cultural figure of the year. Well, yeah. Maybe not historical, political, like military, right? But it's not a bad choice. It's not a bad choice. And people are looking for clicks, which is what it is,

and magazine sales and YouTube hits. So we should probably do our own person of the year. Right? So I feel like... Who should we give it to? Well, so the thing about Taylor Swift, getting the award was that she did not show up that night. She was not there.

She's too big even for Time magazine. I'm looking at this Taylor Swift time person of the year cover, and I'm like, if we're getting into the pandering wars, let's give it to the other person on there, that same cover. There's only one other thing on there. Well, think a little bit more anthropomorphically, Cortez. What I'm talking about her f*** cat. Oh my God, bro.

Look, the Swifties aren't going to listen to this. All they need to know, is that we have given an award to this cat. What's the cat's name? Like fluffy or something? Benjamin Button. Congratulations to Benjamin Button, the cat. Pablo Tori finds out, person of the year. Person of the year.

Get it? I also do a great cat impression if you want to hear it. I don't. That cat sounds like a cat who's touching its own nervous. Please, please take us to break. Can we get it? back, are you still, you're still shivering. Bro, my nipples are in fire. We gotta get

past your ariolas and go to the journalism. I'm just trying to, please. We have a reported journalism non-mail bag, mailbag. What you got for me? First voicemail of the real mailbag. That's not a mailbag. Hey, Pablo, love the show.

I'm getting excited for Usher's halftime show and was just wondering who you think was the greatest half-time performance of all time. Thanks, and go chiefs. I like that we finally gotten a topic in which you have zero expertise. I don't care about Usher. The funny thing...

You don't care about music. No, that's not true. Now you care about music. I love music. My ideal halftime show would be like if you could resurrect Lane Staley and do like a hologram of Allison chains. Fibit. Second choice, maybe raging against the machines are still alive.

You discovering rock and roll during the pandemic. Delightful, I know. Has completely changed the trajectory of your life and your tastes. That sounds horrible. That sounds lit. Come on. You want the resurrected, like a hologram or like action? like the skinny

drug-filled hologram of my boy Lane Staley screaming into a microphone as loud as he can. That would be, pretty incredible. Or you can just say Prince. Okay. Prince in Miami, in the rain was not just like

a great halftime show. That's just one of the greatest concerts of all time. But both of us are actually out of our depth, admittedly. I have been to one Super Bowl. The real veterans who go to these Super Bowls, they're just going for Super Bowl week. and they're leaving before the game actually happens. Better and savvy to not actually go to the event.

But I wanted to talk to somebody who did. And so that's why we brought in someone with, I would say, incomparable jurisdiction over this subject when it comes to, yeah, the people that we know. Someone who actually knows what he's talking about. That would help. So Dave Fleming, I've summoned you here because you have been to how many Super Bowls?

At some point, Pablo, you lose. track. So somewhere north of 25. Cortez, this is the authority that, uh, that neither of us have this is a subject. This is, this is an expert with Grace Withers presence. Yes. So Flem, the question is simple. What is the greatest halftime performance you have ever seen or know about having covered a zillion of these things? I should point out, right, I've seen some shit at the Super Bowl over 25 years. I have played Madden with a Playboy Bunny. I have almost been killed by no knifed at a Denny's from a Hell's Angel member. I've seen fans dig through mountains of horse manure to win tickets.

And obviously, along with the Super Bowl, I've seen a ton of musical performances. But there is one that stands out above all the rest. and it's actually kind of a secret. The absolute without question, best musical performance at a Super Bowl belongs to Prince, but not during halftime. It was during a secret press conference

where he did a surprise, impromptu, 12-minute, face-melting concert for the unworthy, unwashed media members in 2007. Nothing but media members? It was 800 credential media members.

It was, Cortez, it was pleaded khakis and soiled polo shirts and sweatpants for as far as the eye could see. Explain how it is that this press conference becomes a concert. How does this tend to go normally? What's happening instead?

So it's 2007. We're at the Miami Convention Center. It's the end of the week. And by the end of the week, I mean, you are just, you've had 15 steak dinners. You are hungover. Your clothes are dirty. You just want the freaking game to start. And usually the last decent press conference is when they bring in and they're obligated.

The halftime entertainment is obligated to hold a press conference before the show. Right. And there were rumors all week that it was like, well, Prince doesn't do press. conferences. So this is either going to go epically south or who knows what's going to happen. Hold on, hold on. How soon into it do you realize like this is weird? Something's going on here. Well, I showed up just for the the traffic accident aspect of it, right? I'm like, Prince is either going to get testy or angry or he's not going to speak. He's just going to stand there. Something's going to go sideways. And so I came in a little bit late. All the seats were filled.

and I'm standing against the wall next to the stage, just waiting to see, right? And what you notice is, well, there's instruments on the riser. He is truly an icon, a hundred million albums, six Grammys, five American Music Awards, Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, one of the greatest performers of our time. We're so pleased to have prints. The producer of the halftime show introduces him. He comes out of a hallway.

A guy hands him his guitar. You know, the one from Purple Rain with like the Cheetah print. And Prince is dressed in this like, it's Miami. So it's like a coral jumpsuit or something. It's just like perfection. Of course. So then Prince comes to the mic and he goes. Contrary to rumor,

I like to take a few questions right now. And so somebody stands up in the press corps and begins to ask a question. And in the middle of the question, Prince goes, one, two, three, and jumps into Johnny Be Good. Who's the reporter who has that question? We got to know. Yes. The head of NFL media and publicity, Brian McCarthy, I talked to him for this because he was in charge of that. press conference. And I said to him, I'm like, I don't know if it's a secret, but I've been

dying to know who the reporter was that Prince cut off in the middle of his question. That Prince dunked on. And I always thought it was just some poor guy who was probably so nervous from like the Green Bay Gazette or something. Yeah, from a journal Sentinel or a Gazette or something. But I'm breaking news right now. We are breaking news right now. It turns out it was an inside job. Believe it or not, it was the musician Chris Isaac who was working on behalf of Extra, who was there as the special talent. It was the musician Chris Isaac. What?

Yes, who was working for one of those entertainment TV channels. It was a bit. It was a bit. It was a sciop. It was a sciop. An actual sciop perpetrated by Prince and Chris Isaac playing the role of one of us. And so how does he follow up Johnny Be Good? He goes from Johnny Be Good to another lover.

It is very rare, it occurs to me, Phlam, for the NFL as this institution that is demanded control at every turn is not aware of like what's about to happen here. And so the NFL, what is the NFL thinking? What is that guy Brian McCarthy thinking as Prince is getting in deeper and deeper into a set list that only he knows? I think they're thrilled, first of all, because I think they know. knew going right up to the last second that Prince could just do a double bird and go, you know, F y'alls, I'll see you on Sunday or whatever. And I think they knew right away, he was not someone they could control at all. There was no discussion of what he should play, what he shouldn't play. That was really left up to his camp. And so we knew general time,

length. And also keep in mind, NFL network was still relatively new. They covered this live. So they carried this live the entirety of it. And they said that was, you know, some of the greatest, uh, entertainment they could imagine to have live on NFL network. And so they were grateful that he agreed to play. And, but he wouldn't tell them what they rehearsed a bunch of songs. He wouldn't tell him what he was going to play, what he was going to say. Prince is the only person, maybe in the world, in the history of the world, that could make

the Super Bowl his bitch, right? He made Prince made the Super Bowl look small. That's what he did. He made the NFL look feeble. And it was like they were just grateful to be in his presence. All due respect to Taylor Swift, but what Prince does, he doesn't just exceed your expectations. He kind of says, fuck you while doing it.

I mean, and that was exactly the vibe that Brian McCarthy described in that they were worried he was going to half ass it. And somebody with Prince goes, oh, no, you don't know Prince. He doesn't do anything halfway or even 100%. It will be amazing. This is Prince. He doesn't go quarter way. He doesn't go halfway.

He goes all the way. This guy, he's just a higher form of human being than the rest of us. I can barely get my mic hooked up for this interview. And Prince is like, he's in the middle of like a menagerie, and he's doing a guitar solo, right? It's just like, and he's not even sweating. Are you immediately thinking to yourself, this is, I'm witnessing something special. Like you, you are standing along the wall and he gets to the crescendo, I guess.

What is the crescendo? How are you describing your emotional reaction to that? It's stunned silence. It's, again, it's like watching a UFO land in your backyard. You just, no one could move. no one knew what to do. No one, do we cheer? Do we cry?

Journalistically speaking, it is our code, Flem. We don't applaud. Certainly not at a press conference. Yeah. And I think Brian McCarthy tried to explain that to Prince going in that he's like, look, these are media members. They're probably not your target audience. And they're trained like not to applaud or whatever.

And that is funny because as that now we're into like the six, seven, eighth minute. And so Prince does another lover. Then he does the rock lobster guitar riff from the B-52s. Just because he can. Then he goes into get on the boat. But you can see what's happening. He's starting to get pissed because he's like, it's okay, you guys, you can, you can stand up.

He's starting to like get mad that people aren't, that he's not winning. people over. By the end of this, does journalism itself applaud what it has just seen? We blew it. It was like the greatest moment, just completely effing. It's embarrassing. You're including yourself? It is embarrassing. Why didn't you, you know how important this is. Why didn't you stand up and be the force you want to see? I blame you. And I blame myself. I should have like streaked across the stage or something. I do remember like screaming and like or like going yeah and it's like but the people right in front of Prince again just just no reaction and you can just see him slowly start to check out and it's just like

oh my God we insulted Prince we insulted Prince so I was lucky enough I grew up in the 80s in Detroit and he used to start all of his concert tours in Detroit with like it was like a week of dress rehearsals. So in my like high school and college years, I saw prints probably 10 times. And nothing compared to this 12 minutes, right, that felt like an hour. Yeah. Yeah. Dave Fleming, thank you. What a reporter. Thank you for your reporting and fuck you for not betraying it and acknowledging what you were seeing at the time. Yes, huge regret. Thank you very much.

Now I have to live with that. And I know Prince is among us still. My deepest apologies to you, sir. And, man, thank you for blessing us with your presence because we did not deserve it. Next caller. Hey, Pablo. The Super Bowl has me thinking about the relationship

between athletes and brand recognition. Who has the best statue? when it comes to partnerships, sponsors, endorsements, cameos, which athlete has the best marketing resume. I mean, there are some great, especially out of the NFL, there have been some great commercial actors. Yeah, I think of Jimmy Butler myself. Okay.

Nicolab Ultra. Not even close to the list that I'm thinking of. I'm on dance. Oh, yes, I will. I'm saying. That stupid Mickelope Ultra commercial where they can't even, like, pretend to be the Miami because they don't have the logo insignias, legally speaking.

And they put them on. on screen for like two seconds only. Very disrespectful. But the NFL, Payton Manning, of course, a old-timer. Baker Mayfield plausibly living in a stadium. At home with Baker Mayfield. Hey, the rain's coming.

Furniture's going to get soaked. One of the great accomplishments of commercial acting, in my opinion. Cam Newton had one too, right? Cam Noon was pretty good. Russell Westbrook had when we threw one out of the stadium. O.J. Simpson, actually. Nobody does it better than her. Nobody does it better.

Yeah, famously running through that airport. But there is only one, when it comes to like the prolific nature of a commercial pitch man, there's really only one answer to this question. All sport. After all sport, the game was a breeze. Now with an age of beard, I got my mojo going strong. I got to get a while, but you don't know Buick. Attention to cruise fans.

Carnival is bringing you three and four-day mini cruises. But Chris Christie is different. The Comcast has way better H-T pitcher. and the most HD choices. Just fill it Joe! But I bet I love Kellogg's Frosts and Flakes more than you. Do I use new Gold Bond men's lotion to look good or feel good?

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Get your anonymous online quote with low payments and ride with the general. When I first joined the board of Papa John, I brought some big ideas. We're going to need more pepperoni. So I just want people to know that there's more. We had to stop counting Shaq endorsements once we got into like the 50s. That's a lot. Yeah, it's a lot of pepperoni.

It feels low. My, you know, my takeaway was that he's really good at this. He's very charismatic. He's a good actor. Why the hell wasn't Kazam a better movie? You're asking, why is the least discerning commercial actor of all time? Not in a better movie. I'm asking why one of the most charismatic people I've ever seen on screen.

Was it a better genie? Yeah, wasn't a better seven-foot genie in 1998 or whenever the hell it was. Next. So I want to start by saying the Pro Bowl or whatever it's called now was dumb. Flag football has some things about it that display the behavior of dumb in terms of like, how are we going to know when the flag was pulled? Oh. Oh, you're already thinking about people who are like,

defrauding the referees. Yeah, like if somebody's going and they're so quick, what if they pull the flag 10 yards back? It's an instant replay nightmare. We're going to have to constantly vet out when was the flag actually pulled. I cannot believe you pointed to your head like that was...

Think about it, bro. ASMR, you can hear it. The thing that people need to respect about flag football at the very least, despite it being, yes, dumb in lots of respects, is that it's already a thing. So there is a flag football national team.

Oh, really? They're the best in the world, the men are. They have a quarterback. This guy, Daryl Doucette. You played in college or something? No. Okay. He played intramural at Xavier University in Louisiana, apparently.

Played intramural. And now he's a gold medalist in these world championships that happened recently. And he actually had the occasion at said Pro Bowl weekend extravaganza thing to talk to Tyreek Hill. And I don't know if he came away loving the NFL as a result. Okay. Tyreek, when they announced that flag football was an Olympic sport, you were one of the first people to post about it. What does that mean?

It means that I will be competing. That's what it means, baby. You feel me? I'm out there. And who the quarterback? For who? The USA team. You're talking to them.

By them boy, I'm going to pick you off left and right, boy. Your receivers ain't going to get open. You say I'm receiving not going to get open, but y'all can't pull flags. So I'm pulling the flags. I know how to play flag. I grew up playing flag football. My mom ain't want me to play tackle football. I grew up playing flag.

So I know how to do all that, all that. I hate that Tyree Kill did the thing that you just did. It looks familiar, right? The institution of flag football out of deference to them, because this is actually Olympic sports somehow, we ended up talking to the CEO of USA football. This guy, Scott Hallenbeck, and he explained how it is that the NFL might actually get involved in trying to get some gold. He's the CEO. So, I mean, he must have, like, done intramural or something, at least, right?

Flag football is different than traditional football or the NFL football, as most people know it. First and foremost, for it's really the creativity, the elusiveness, the fast-paced high-scoring aspects of it. We'd start with the field. So it's a 50-yard by 25-yard field. So tight, narrow, five-on-five versus 11-on-11. Zero contact. The hardest position right now within flag is definitely defense, partly because of the contact rules,

partly just because it's challenging to cover these folks on a small field. Flag-pulling is a distinctly different talent. The offensive players are constantly dipping and spinning and obviously trying. They have something called flag guarding. You can't do is put your arm out or effectively cut. cover the flag in any way. You almost have to run with your arms up. A lot of times you see these guys spin and dip in that respect. So the conversation is about the potential of NFL players being on Team USA and ultimately Olympics is obviously one that we take very seriously. We're

super excited about. You want to go beyond the idea of an All-Star team and really create an integrated cohesive unit. There is no question there's a difference between, you know, the quality of NFL tackle football and, of course, flag football. Not to suggest for a second that a Tareke Hill, Lamar Jackson, et cetera, et cetera, can't make that transition. Of course they can. They're elite, amazing athletes. But there is time, especially on the defensive side.

It takes time again, transition. Just look at even the Pro Bowl last year. It was really interesting to watch the inherent natural body movements, right? There will be moments where someone's catching a pass and they're running through the defenders. Almost every play, there would be a flag. So, like, taking the time to really understand. that and learn that, everybody needs to make that transition. Now, again, is that a month? Is that three

months, six months? We don't know that yet. That'll be a sort of work in progress together to sort all that out. I would argue that Christian McCaffrey probably would be an amazing player in flag. I actually lean on the defensive side because I know that's where I think, frankly, the gold medal will be won, is really a sauce gardener, Jalen Ramsey. I mean, they will be very successful in this style of game. It makes it very fun. I think it would be really cool to see a blend. Lamar Jackson at quarterback and, you know, someone else, one of our current elite athletes are those that are coming up through our 15, 17s and sort of 20 and underage groups that are playing in college right now, etc. that might have a chance to represent their country. NFL teams are never going to want to do this.

You know who is going to want to do this? I mean, just employers going to let their players play flag football. No, you're right. Reping ACL. You're right. It's a liability. And so the person that I think of that would want to do this the most. Antonio Brown. No, Dominique Foxworth.

Oh, my God. Like competitive as hell. Wait, retired NFL players who are delusional about how good they are. And like the whole video that we just watched was about corners and how good they are. That's a very good point. And he's going to get hurt. Absolutely. Yeah.

It is perfect if this sport is not played by NFL players. or like the actual flag football, like national world champions, but just like gas bags on TV. Who have nothing to lose. Who can do their jobs while in a wheelchair. Well, that's nothing to lose except embarrassment. Yeah, he claims to run like a four three or whatever it is. No, the thing about it is no one will talk more shit about it than him.

And no one is going to get hurt quicker than that man because he hasn't played in so long. I'm telling you he's going to get hurt. Yes, who's laughing like a mischievous villain now, motherfucker? Still me, actually. Still me. Okay. That was me doing the Pablo impression of the book. Get it.

Back to the job that we're here to do. 51385 Pablo. Great phone number. Super Bowl, not mailbag. Mailbag. Call. What's next? Yo, Pablo,

first time favorite social media account is Arbor Mesaport. It's so good. But the guy claims he does it with no AI. That makes no sense. That can't be true, right? So I love this question because this guy is somebody who has been fascinating me, every NFL Sunday especially. And so when the Super Bowl happens, Cortez, and a hundred bazillion Americans are watching this, those who are on social media are going to see inevitably this guy, Arpa Macon, Make It Sports, this account with hundreds of thousands of followers, instantly locate a painting, a work of art from history as far back as like, the Renaissance and match it to something that just happened

virally in the game that we're all watching. Apparently this guy has a big following. I found out about him because he did this to them. Jason Kelsey? I haven't seen that one. He jumps out of the Buffalo Bills like Skybox and he's compared to immediately like the perfect work of art. I saw the one he did to Dan Levitard,

which I thought was pretty good. Oh. With Dan's hair and it's going everywhere. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, okay. I get it. European clown. And how he does it, I wanted to investigate this and find out for myself how he actually pulls this off so quickly.

Like, is he cheating? Is he on some sort of art PEDs? Right. Is it machines? And so we invited him, the man behind the account, to sit where you're sitting right now. I should say that my favorite Twitter account is sitting across from me, which is a very disorienting thing to have art but making. at Sports at Art But Sports here, and I should say that I don't know what your actual name is. So who are you, really?

I should just beep, boop up as a robot. My name's L.J. I guess L.J. Raider is my full name, but I tend to not say my actual name on the account. The account is me. There's nobody else. It's just a dude who is wearing a sad Nick sweater. Yeah, although this year, maybe. have a chance. This is just getting sadder. It's getting sadder. But LJ, okay, so it's just you is one thing that I've already found out. That's news to me. The second thing that I'm here to verify is that you don't use artificial intelligence. Correct. So no AI to do the matches. If I go to a

museum and take pictures there, I have them all on my phone. I don't take a picture of the nameplate because I don't have enough space on my phone and that takes twice as much time. So if I, too, end up using a photo that I've taken out of a museum, I'll use Google Lens on that photo to pull up the title, the artist in the year that I use in the caption.

So I don't have those memorized at all, which would be absolutely insane. So I use AI for that portion, but it's not to do the actual mashups. It's just to save myself from taking a picture of that. nameplate? So a correction immediately is that this is all absolutely insane. The idea that you see a photograph of anything in sports in life and you find a disturbingly close match to a piece of art

from any period in art history, which is human history. And you're saying, you're telling me right now that the only thing you use the computer for is to help name and identify the actual painting that you saw originally because you're out at a fucking museum somewhere just saying like, oh, that looks interesting. I've always sort of seen things through a sports lens. And so going to museums, you know, I look at a painting and somebody might see, you know, something beautiful.

And I see, you know, the Knicks crumbling in the playoffs. You know, that's kind of where my mind goes. And the problem is that I don't think people believe you. Yeah, nobody believes me. And so we're here today to test this. We'll put you to an actual scientific challenge. You will prove to us that you can do this as just a sad dude in a next sweatshirt and just using his brain and not computers. But I want to show people some of the stuff that you've done, which makes people think that you are a computer.

Cool. There are some all-time great ones. This isn't even a sportswoman. Can we start with the Bass Pro Shops guy? So this dude was naked in a Bass Pro Shop, dived into the pool. emerged from the pool, just laying across the floor. And you found what that matched this? Because it's incredible.

I think it's a brugal. It's either brugal or Bosch. So LJ is looking at his phone for people not watching on YouTube or the Draftings Network. The catalog, the handheld catalog of just apparently paintings. Yes, a brugal. Him and Bosch tend to have scenes with lots of people and lots of naked people as well. more Bosch naked than Brugle I'm going to adjust my power rankings for nudity

Yeah yeah yeah yeah Yeah more than Brugle But got lucky that it was both somebody in a similar position But then also the water Nearby I think is It's the levels, okay? So the levels to LJ's matches here Are what makes this beautiful

I mean for instance Just like Taylor Swift behind that frosted window Yeah so actually the first image I saw was one that Taylor Swift was inside looking to her left out the window. And I had something actually prep for that, like a Vermeer with a woman looking out the window. It's like a very just like common theme in art history. You basic bitch. Yeah, exactly.

Pull in Vermeer. And then I saw this version and just knew the, I guess, the red kerchief painting. This is my high school art history. This is Claude Monet. I want to pull up the time that Dremont Green was choking Rudy Gobert of just Rudy in the crook of Dremont's elbow reminded you of what? John the Baptist with his head on the platter, some derivation of that title. That moment, I wasn't watching that game. I looked down at my phone and it just blew up with images and different.

angles. I think I did a few different ones from that moment. It's the angle. Yeah. Like the in profile, John the Baptist's, is that a severed head? Yeah. Okay. So the severed decapitated head of John the Baptist is at the exact same angle, nose and brow as Rudy Gobert. And it's, I believe that's like a platter of some kind. Yeah, exactly. So Caitlin Clark is somebody who is arguably the biggest name in college sports right now. Iowa sharpshooter, person who likes to celebrate. And so this is her celebrating holding her hand to her left ear as if to say like, you know, I can't hear you. You found someone who is doing literally that from where? There is a painting in the Met depicting Echo, and that painting has hands on both ears.

And so when she first pulled this out in a game, I was like, do I want to use that one? And it didn't quite feel right because it was, I don't know, it just wanted to get the one hand. So I started looking through, you know, art history theme of echo and depictions and ended up finding this one and worked out pretty well. I think I flipped it. I think the original one has the hand on the other ear, but flipped it to match. So I want to test this self-described ability now. Cool. So what we've done is you've collected photographs that you have not seen before the moment that we present them to you. These are things that I enjoy, some of my favorites. And we want to watch. We want to watch. watch your process, LJ. I think I mentioned this before. This is terrifying. I've never actually done this other than being in like the comfort of my couch and or just

kind of on my phone. I can imagine. Well, let's start with the classic, right? Let's try Bobby Yor on for L.J. God. So this is Bobby Yor, fully horizontal of course, famous photo, arms extended. So this would be this would be like St. Francis

receiving the stigmatia. Yeah, I mean, that is, that's, that's, that's, that's pretty good. So I want to give you something a bit distinctive to play off of. And so this is me dressed as an orca. Oh, God. This is me hosting the Dan Levitart show with Stugats. I am dressed as an orca. My fins are to my face.

And I am afraid. So I think I've done this one before, actually. This reminded me of a Georgia O'Keefe painting. Oh, my. God, of course. With the, you know, the petals and your face and, yeah. You can say what Georgia O'Keefe is mostly depicting. Yeah.

I don't even know what you would. It's a vagina. Vagina. There you go. But your face is the clitoris. Thank you. George O'Keefe is a titan of art history. It's an honor to be compared to one of her vaginas.

Another paragon of the human form is Dan Lebitard stretched out across his pool table, wearing only swim trunks. Looking confused, but also weirdly confident. He's beautiful. So these poses tend to come up a lot, and there's a whole bunch of different ways that I could take it. I guess what, Venus of Urbino would be one of them. There's an artist Henry Moore that has more sculpture-based reclining.

No offense to tan, but maybe if Fotero has a reclining, figure that would work well but wow wow so just for people who weren't clocking would LJ just apologize for here you're saying less sculpture more flesh Rubinesque Rubenesque as they say in the world of art meaning I think chubby yeah chubby but that that was that was a thing that of course artists quite valued in their in their subjects yeah I'm reluctant to do this a bit but it's an iconic photograph in the annals of sports media because this is maybe the most famous couch, I can recall, in our business. It is a couch that had Jason Whitlock sleeping on it.

His legs are white sneakers and all in blue jeans out in front. And he is hitting a REM cycle, LJ. Like that is a deep-ass sleep. Look at the, like it's recessed. That's right. He's part of the couch now. It is a man in the place that he feels. safest it feels like and this this angle of repose resembles what to you yeah so first at

first glance and it would be a kind of a juxtaposition in that flaming June which is on display at the Met right now is very pure and beautiful in a similar pose to to Whitlock and then him on the other side being all gross and disgusting but yeah flaming June's the first thing that came to mind, even though it's like different colors and like predominantly orange. That is, that's a great one though. The coup de grotto for me, when I've always wanted to have you make art out of sports with is the famous image that changed college football's destiny because this is Urban Meyer at his own fucking bar. Not leaving room for the Holy Ghost, L.J. This is him.

Kind of half sitting, but grinding on an unknown, blonde-haired young woman. And this was, of course, posted. He gets ousted for this and more at Ohio State, and nothing is ever the same. And so in this grinding, this infamous grinding, there is what? There is Urban with his hand in a place where it shouldn't be. There is also the hand, I should point out. There's also a hand definitively and very clearly doing something it should. But what does this remind you?

I was like, I then realized you were asking me a piece of art. So there's a photo that I took at the National Gallery. It's called the Good Samaritan. That's hysterical. Jacopo Basano. Again, I urge you to go to YouTube or the Draft King's Network to see The Good Samaritan, who has a similar level of desperation on his face. as well as an angle, holding what seems to be a person in need

who is similarly disinterested in what the person behind them is offering them from behind. That is fucking incredible. But I want to bring it back to me near the end here because in the PTFO universe, I've always thought of my own calves as a work of art. And so this is me, honestly, I think, more flexible than anybody who works on my show realized.

Unsheathing, my left calf. My leg is in the air. It's pretty explicit, admittedly. What does this remind you of? Yeah, so two things. There's a sculpture of a dog peeing on a building that I've used for the Old Miss end zone touchdown celebration. Yes.

I want to say it was Elijah Moore. Yes, Elijah Moore peed. during the egg bowl and cost them the game, arguably. Pantom I'm here. There's another painting that almost certainly will need to be censored, but a Gustav Corbe painting. Women's genitalia has been a theme of... I'm realizing that this entire test

has mostly resulted in you comparing me to female genitalia. Apologists. Yeah. First thing that comes to... If this didn't actually look like this, I'd be a lot matter at you for the record. But for the record as well, fuck you and fuck Gustav Corbett. It's fair. Now, you know, I don't like Knicks fans.

So I noticed, you know, you had a Knicks fan in my seat. I don't appreciate that. Beyond that, this is a show prides itself on journalism, on reporting. Did you talk to anyone besides him? We just tested him. It's just one person. Yeah, we presented him with numerous examples. and he generated it on command.

That could have been edited. You're saying he has those chess player anal beads where someone's telling him, spelling out Gustav Corbe in his ass? I'm not convinced yet. Just saying. Fine. If you have a lead on LJ. Raider using anal beads,

51385 Pablo, let us know if Ryan Cortez's theory holds any weight. And are we done here so I can like, you know, warm up my nipples or no? Put those away. We are done, finally. I should go to a doctor. But seriously, do call 51385 Pablo. If you have any actual journalistic inquiries, we will solve them for you. And I hesitate to thank Ryan Cortez right now after all of that.

But Pablo Torre finds out is in fact produced by Michael Antonucci, Ryan Cortez. Sam Daywig, Juan Galindo, Patrick Kim, Neely Loman, Rachel Miller-Hawood, Ethan Shrier, Carl Scott, Matt Sullivan, Chris Tuminello, and Juliet Warren. Studio Engineering by RJ Systems, Post, Post, our theme song by John Bravo. And we will return on Tuesday with one of my favorite episodes we've ever done, one of my favorite conversations with two of my favorite people, actually, as if that's not enough of a tease for you. So, yeah, we'll see you then.