Pablo Torre Finds Out - Is Troy Aikman the White Jay-Z? Does LeBron Use Gmail? And More of Your Burning Curiosities, Solved

Episode Date: October 3, 2023

In the inaugural edition of our non-mailbag mailbag, Pablo answers audience voicemails with the truth about his TV doppelgänger, Stugotz's bong hits, A-Rod's centaur, Stanford's mascot, poisoned Miami Heat fans, and one of the greatest sports tweets of all time.Are you looking for answers? Call (513) 85-PABLO Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to Pablo Torre finds out. I am Pablo Torre, and today we're going to find out what this sound is. You did ask me to comment on one of my favorite, favorite topics. Actually, my favorite topic. Gotcha. Right after this ad. You're listening to Draf King's Network. I am uniquely excited for what we're about to do here.

Yeah, same. So we have existed here Pablo Tori finds out, Cortez, for a month now. we fucking did it all the haters are many haters and losers who have said that we could not possibly keep finding out stuff that's right

eat it eat it bro we found out that you have to eat it I would not like to eat it the haters can eat it yeah the way you directed that to me I know sorry I made for the podcast audience I was directing it at you

if you are in fact a loser and a hater but I am mindful of said haters and losers of which there are many. Not that many, actually. It's a disturbingly popular of this show. I'm mindful of what we're doing

with this episode because I am concerned that because we're doing, it's not a mailbag. I'll be very clear. What we're doing here is not a mailbag, but I'm concerned because we're about to take and play voicemails here that people think that we have found out

that we can't keep finding out stuff, and now we're officially just using our beautiful winning listeners as a crutch. Pablo, what you described sounds to me like a mailbag. It's not a mailbag. But what are you described? It sounds like a mailbag. It is a voicemail bag.

513-85 Pablo. Look, the background's different on today's show. And in fact, we've been getting... How many have we gotten so far, Cortez? Dude, I've sifted through so many. Like, all of... Hundreds of voicemails, which thank you to everybody. Yes, sincerely.

Thank you. The care and passion. hundreds though to answer your question just so many of them and it's it's been a lot so I appreciate it I think we're up to like 300 almost 300 and counting and counting please keep calling 51385 Pablo yes I just want to explain how this is working right for us as a show like the way it's working is we have access to all of these voicemails and in the early setup to just like figuring out how are we going to actually pick which ones to answer and investigate

Our staff noticed that the second voicemail ever left was this one. Hey, Pablo, first time, long time. Just wanted to know if you had any thoughts on the Miami Heat and Jimmy Butler and Damien Lillard. Just curious. Thank you. This is not a joke. This was actually what you did. Me?

Ryan Cortez. This is sad. Legitimately sad. You left this in the time it took for this episode to be produced. Your world as Miami Heat Minister of Propaganda fell completely apart. That person that left that voicemail was a different person than the person you're speaking to. Adrian Wardenowski is the man behind the news. Damian Lillard from Portland to Milwaukee.

Breaking news on this NFL Sunday in the NBA. The Celtics have acquired Drew Holiday to trade with the Trailblazers. And in fact, we left a word with a different person. Who? Well, go on. We should play the voicemail they left in response to the voicemail that I just played, which I shared with them. Let me hear it. Hey, Pablo, it's Mike Shore.

I'm listening to the Lepitard folks talk about Tim Lillard and the Heat and Pat Riley and the NBA and a bunch of conspiracy theories. And I'm wondering if you could find something out for me. You know how there's like that cat bacteria that affects the human brain? I think it's called toxoplasmosis or something. It's like a bacterial infection caused by cats and it gets into people's brains and causes them to have like extreme and very bizarre reactions to things. Can you find out for me whether there isn't a similar situation going on

in the city of Miami or the Miami-Dade County area related to the Miami? In other words, is there something leading out? of the heat organization that causes its fans to behave in a way that a person might behave is infected with a bacteria from a cat. That's what I'd like you to find out for me, and I can't wait to hear the episode. I hate him. I hate him.

Response? First of all, I'm very pro-writers in the strike, but I will say seeing Mike Schur on the sideline made me, like, just pause for a second. I made you root for... Well, no, no, I'm still pro-writer, but I'm just saying just seeing his face, upset me so much that I just took a pause and said,

am I sure that I'm on the right side of this? My response to Mike, sure, go to hell. He needs an editor that's a long voicemail, way too long. The editor's strike clearly is ongoing, is what you're telling it. It's not unlike his shows. Like, it's not as funny as he thinks of is, is long-winded and has some fat on it.

That said, though, how are you feeling? Because you're not wearing your usual Miami Heat propaganda, all over your body, I've noticed. The thing that I feel hardest that is the most unlike the heat propaganda stuff is that Jimmy Butler's done far more

for Pat Riley than Pat Riley's done for Jimmy Butler. That's what it is. And when the best thing you've given him is like undrafted players that Spose developed, that's not good enough. Like you need to go figure out a way to get Bradley Beale and eat the money or give up an extra piece and go get it.

In the Lillard case, it seems like it wasn't Riley's fault. It seems like Joe Cronin was a asshole, or had the behavior of an asshole. The guy running the Blazers. The GM of the Blazers, Joe Cronin. But I don't think that was Riley's fault, but Riley's not absolved in general from the Jimmy Butler era

not doing enough for him. So you have landed, just to be very clear about this, you've landed atop the therapy couch of being disappointed in Pat Riley for failing Jimmy Butler specifically. Like the whole magic of Pat Riley, guy who would turn a pill,

locates full of rings upside down on a table and get whoever he wanted in the NBA, you're saying, you're saying Jimmy Butler should demand a trade, is what I'm hearing from you. Go to hell. Jimmy Butler deserves better, but it's not as simple as that, right? It's not just Pat Riley's washed. It's a larger thing that's going to piss off David Samson. Like, Mickey Arison is to blame here for being cheap. This is a play thing. I don't care that David Samson would tell you it's a business. Go spend the money. Go eat it and get me Bradley Beale. You could have had him for cheap. You could have kept Tyler Hero and had Bradley Beal, that's a title contender right there.

Like, that's a team that anybody's afraid of. They're afraid of them without those guys. So I blame Mickey Erison as much as Pat Riley. So you're blaming the owner of the Heat Mickey Erison. You're saying, just to translate all of this, what you're saying is that the people who have the cat bacteria in their brains are Mickey Erison and Pat Riley. And not Jimmy Butler and not Duncan Robinson or Eric Spolstra, not Tyler Hero.

By the way, the media and the fans' reaction to Tyler Hero is prejudice against a white player, I'll say it. We need to get out of this topic. What is our next voicemail? Hey, Pablo. Mad Dog dropped his dose on live television, half a dummy. Can you find out from as many of your colleagues as possible what their THC routine is before they watch sports? Thank you.

Yeah, so obviously I investigated this question. Great question. Here's a quote from one of those colleagues that I'll keep anonymous. Okay. Um, quote, I was high as f*** when DeMar Hamlin almost died, and that f*** me up really badly. Oh, my God. I like to get high and watch baseball, but not football. Cannot watch UFC high.

It's too much. Olympic sports are a blast when you're high. Hockey slash basketball, I'm neutral on. I could smoke. I could also not. Soccer is even prettier when I'm high. End quote. Bob Ryan is Wylan.

That's why he's always tweeting out the letter Q. That's right. That's right. Just cute. That was Katie Nolan. Oh, okay. Okay. Figured I'd just totally betray her. But hilarious. But here's another friend that I want to put on the record here.

Hey, Pablo, Stugats on a mobile phone. First time, long time. Love the show. Love it. Fantastic show. Pablo Torre figuring stuff out. It's a little bit wordy, the title, but I do love the show. I've never listened to the show.

Anyway, keep figuring stuff out. I appreciate it. And while you're at it, figure out. that one the fuck I'm going to get a raise. I mean, seriously. You did ask me to comment on one of my favorite, favorite topics. Actually, my favorite topic. Concha.

Oh! Right in my wheelhouse. A listener of yours asked for the THC cannabis consumption habits for people on our staff for sporting events. Here's what I can tell you. If it's a weeknight event, if it's a 9 o'clock start or an 8 o'clock start, I usually take a gummy 90 minutes before the start of the game. And they're right at the start of the game just to make the gummy land perfectly.

I follow it up right at tip off with a bong hit. And then everything kicks it at once. On Sundays, when I'm watching the NFL, no gummies. I just rip bong hits from the second, the 1 o'clock game start until the 7. second the Sunday night game is over. Also, all tracks. It's on brand. I mean, I love him so much.

None of that is embellished whatsoever. That's just what his life is. Correct. And look, for my part, I'm mostly just getting lightly stoned and watching, like, league pass. I coughed during that, and that was because of the vapes, not because of, like, sickness. Yeah, Cortez uses something. What's it called?

What's your device? Whoa. Allegedly, there's people out there who use something called an ooze tanker. It's just something that people use. It looks like a thing that was not allowed in the PG version of an Ninja Turtles movie. That's right. That's right. TSA loves it.

What's our next voice about? Hey, Pablo. What's up, man? This is Steve from Nashville. And I was wondering, I had this burning question. And I just can't get to the bottom of it. Does Troy Aikman know that he looks like the what, JZ? because I feel like he's got to know it.

Like when he looks in the mirror, but anyway, I hope you can get to the bottom of this, man. Thanks and love. So I love this question because I too have wondered this. And I had the good opportunity, the good fortune, Cortez,

to co-host PTI last week. And our guest, and this is just by the grace of God, was none other than White JZ himself. And so I, of course, shamelessly injected myself into the proceedings to create content for this show. Oh, wow. Okay. Hey, Troy, can I ask you one weird question before I let you go?

Just not for PTI, but so I host this podcast. I find stuff out. And I have one very quick question for you. Are you aware that the internet thinks you look like Jay-Z? Yes. I am aware of that. A white JZ, there was a meme that it still pops up on my feed from time to time. It was some game, yeah.

All the time I see it. I don't, yeah, I don't know what, you know, hey. You know, I think this was before everything kind of went AI, but anymore you don't know what's real and what's not. So I don't know if that was actually an unedited picture of me, but pretty scary. What Troy Aikman said at the end there that maybe this photo was edited

I mean look at the photo we're gonna put it on screen here. Cortez, this is just that's just white JZ. It's really incredible. I do want to point out that you were getting paid to do PTI and you were doing this show instead.

You realized that, right? You were on the clock for them. Instead is totally inaccurate as the word you just used there. I was doing this show in addition. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

White JZ, by the way. It's just objectively true. He thinks it's edited? Oh, yeah. No, I mean, he doesn't know what's going on, but that's something the Internet's cared about for many years. Because Troy Aikman looks like white JZ. Yes.

What's the next call? Hey, Pablo, Luke from Miami. I was curious. Do you know if LeBron James uses Gmail? All right. Let us know. Thank you. It's a great question. Right?

No, it's a, no, not your question is a great question. This question is a great question. Because what do these people that we regard as our idols, the people at Top Mount Olympus and sports, what do they actually do for the quotidian tasks of their life? Do they use Gmail as a great question? And in fact, I know the answer to this question. Do you really?

I have done a lot of reporting on this question. I bring you not just the question. of does LeBron James use Gmail, but the question of what does the banana boat as a unit use for their designated email provider? Okay. So LeBron James, I have exclusively learned. Hotmail?

Does not use Gmail. Okay, wow. I'm going to give you the four domains, actually, Cortez, that the banana boat uses. Okay. In no particular specified, identified way. One of them uses Yahoo. One of them uses Gmail.

One of them uses me.com. That's LeBron. One of them has his own domain. Wow. Who do you think uses Yahoo? Oh. Chris Paul, Carmelo Anthony, Dwayne Wade, LeBron James. Easily Chris Paul is the one on Yahoo.

He's the oldest. That's a no-brainer. The one that's tripping me up is the me and the own domain, because those are of the same variety. me first which I you know I associate LeBron

Duane's gotta be you know what I'm gonna say Dwayne's got his own domain Lebronsmey.com Chris Paul uses Yahoo I nailed that Carmelo Anthony

obviously uses me.com Okay fair enough Dwayne Wade uses Gmail LeBron James has his own domain Wow Yeah Who are your sources?

Uh, next voicemail. Bro, what kind of journalist are you? This is why Azure was giving you shit episode. All you got to know is that it's true. It's anonymously verified and true. Dan Lebitard, get rid of your AOL. Pablo, hey, Micah from Cincinnati. Great area code, by the way, reping the 513.

I was listening to Katie Nolan's show the other day, and as a longtime Yankee hater, I wasn't surprised that she dug up information that Arod, that prima. Donna, that narcissistic J-Lo hate and jerk, has a picture of himself as a centaur in his living room? Please tell me that's true. I just have been dying over here.

Thanks. So we did a share-and-tell with Katie Nolan. Me and Dan did this. And we talked about A-Rod in depth, and we talked about how we all want the centaur painting rumor to be true so badly that it is basically just real to us. So bad. It's incredible. It's one of the greatest details.

about any athlete in the history of sports. I thought about this for years. It's been on Twitter for a long time. You can't get better than Alex Rodriguez has a painting of himself as a centaur. Self-explanatory. What I have to update on this for the listener and for you

is that I have been reporting this story since we did that share and tell. And the research phase of this, I want to make clear. Madonna has weighed in. I want to be fair to Arod and to her. This is what Madonna said on the matter. Okay.

You spend time with athletes before your friends with many athletes, Alex Rodriguez being one of them. Is it true that he has an oil painting of himself depicted as a centaur, half man, half horse in his home? Wow. If he does, I haven't seen it. Not a denial. Right. Not a denial.

She got bailed out by all the laughter. She knew she didn't have to give a real answer there. I agree. A. Rod, incidentally, gave a quote. He was at Art Basel like a decade ago in Miami. And this is what he said about this, okay, on the record. Quote, no, I do not have a painting of my upper body on a minotaur. I don't know where they get that stuff.

Well, an important distinction, the word, obviously. Not a denial either. Correct. Not a denial. Correct. And in fact, what I have been told, Cortez, I have reporting, new reporting, from someone who would know. Like a good source.

That the censor of painting is actually real. Yo! Actually real. That's what I've been reliably informed. I'm still reporting this story. I need Arod to comment. Arod, please call in to 51385, Pablo. Call in or you're a coward.

I'm proud of you. You continue to break news, man. I could not be prouder of myself for turning a thing that I wanted to be real into via the magic of reporting actually into a thing that I want to confront Alex Rodriguez about. That's incredible. I want to go tweet it.

Half man. Yes. Half horse. All amazing. And now we get to, I think, the college sports segment of our non-mailbag show. Some revolutionary show on concept today. Correct. What do we got?

Hey, Pablo. Pat from Cleveland here. Do you remember that time when Cardell Jones took a break from his husband campaign at Ohio State to go visit a boy in the hospital and then absolutely torch that kid in NCAA while playing himself? And then he tweeted about beating him by 60? Was that just a stunt?

Please find out. Oh, H. So do you remember Cardale Jones and his Twitter legend? I'm certainly old enough to have remembered it, but I don't remember a thing about it. This is a massive blind spot for you. Because Cardale Jones, former Ohio State quarterback, of course, was famous for a couple of tweets. He famously said separately from this story, quote, why should we have to go to class if we came here to play football? We ain't come to play school.

Classes are pointless. That was Cardale Jones. Great tweet. This one was my favorite. one of my favorites of all time, because it was February 10, 2015, and Cardale Jones tweeted a screenshot of an article, and the headline of this article, it said, Cardale Jones visits kid in hospital to play video games,

beats him 91 to 35 in NCAA football. And what Cardale Jones tweets as the quote tweet of this is, quote, man, I wish everyone stops saying I beat a kid in the hospital 91 to 35. it was 98 to 35, had 91 with 126 left in the fourth. Wow, that is my kind of petty. Yes, exactly. You would appreciate Cardale Jones. But what I found on the published record is that this kid is real.

What's his name? Jared Foley. He was a teen at the time, legitimately very sick. He was in the hospital. That part is factual. He was born with hypoplastic left heart syndrome, which means translating this, that he's had more than a half dozen open heart surgeries.

My goodness. That's a lot. Yeah. And so what I wanted to know, because I knew nothing else about the details here, like why did Cardale Jones allegedly blow this kid out in NCAA football, if that was the context for it? And the story, it turns out,

thanks to a Zoom interview we did with Cardale Jones himself, is kind of amazing. Jared Foley is a kid that I had the honor to meet when I was in college. I'm going through our first college football, playoff run, getting ready for Alabama. And one of our coaches at the time, he had a prior relationship with the family. So he seen us leaving, we always leaving. And he was like, hey, you guys might running up here to, you know, Children's Hospital with me. And I'm like, yeah, let's do it.

That's where the Foley family connection. was introduced. I think up into that point he was having his third or fourth or maybe even fifth surgery, but you would have never known that far as the smile that

he kept on his face, far as the spirits. You would have never thought this kid was going through so much in his life. It has been through so much in his life up into that point. We were just talking and, you know, I saw his gaming system and I think it was an Xbox.

the time. And I made a joke to him. I ain't nobody play Xbox, man, whatever, you know, because I'm a PlayStation guy. And I shared what games he got with his favorite game. And he said NCAA. And I kind of made the joke, man, I kicked your butt in that. And, you know, his family was like, oh, are you sure about that? Because he's pretty good. And I'm just listening. I'm looking like, hey, listen, guys, I'm pretty good at this game. Like, I kick my teammates bus all the time. So we popped it in. And I kind of looked over to the family. I'm just looking like not standing in front I'm like, you guys expect me to let him win. And it was like, oh, no, no, no, he's really good.

So Jerry plays with Georgia. George is his favorite team, and he takes the opening kickoff to the house on me. So his family like, yeah, I told you. I told you he good. And then it was so funny because the first quarter was kind of close. And we're going back and forth. He's coming out his shell a little bit, talking to the chum. And then I put myself in as quarterback.

So, you know, he had a few big sacks on me and stuff. Like they're like, yeah, I do that to you in real life. And like, we're going at it. So I'm just like, okay, okay, here we go. We got a game. So, and I just let them have it. And the stat line, the Cardi-L Jones stat line for myself, putting myself into that game of college football,

was had to be one of the best stat lines in all of gaming history. I don't remember too much by hand, but every touchdown I'm not counting for, passing a rush. And I had at least over 600 yards passing with over about 100 to 200 yards rushing. So it was a game for the ages. I wish now where you can save video games and save performance on your new Gen 5 consoles, that was back in the day because I still have that thing.

I did 100, guys, I did 100 points in five-minute quarters. Come on. That relationship has already evolved so fast in a short period of time. By time that tweet came out, it was a lot. all funny games because I remember him challenging me into playing NHAL and we're going back and forth on Twitter. I'm like, Jared, bro, I'm black. I don't play hockey. I definitely don't play hockey video game. And me and Jared and the family has hung out on many different separate occasions. I had had Jared over at the house when I had my big fourth of July cookout and fireworks and football

games from dinners to lunches to, I had him and the family up to games where we was playing the Steelers because the family is a big Steelers fan. you know, I don't, I don't see the heartbreak all the time. I don't see the tears all the time. I don't have to deal with uncomfortable conversations of mom, you know, why in my life this or the battles they have to deal with, you know, all I see is a big smile. And knowing that I was a part of that big smile,

I want to be able to provide that as much as I can. Clearly, hopefully, praying for Jared and his family to get through these have struggles right down. But whenever he's up to it, he got my number. He knows where I live at. I know where he lived at. So if he went to dust off that old Xbox, you know, we find a way to grab a old PlayStation

and find a NCAA 2014, then he know I'll be ready for it. Just the postscript on that story, Jared Foley's family tells us that he is stable currently, which is great news, but he has a long road of recovery ahead. And so obviously what I love about that is that they're still playing

each other. It was really moving what we just saw and like as someone going into that didn't know anything it really changed how I felt about the entire thing. About all parties involved. And it made me want to formally invite Cardale Jones and Jared Foley if they're looking for a video game they both can enjoy.

We just got a Sega Genesis in the studio. We got a screen we can host the next rematch that they have. Please come through guys. Yes. Okay, we have another voicemail, I believe.

Hey, Pablo, this is Gordon from D.C. Can you find out why the hell Stanford changed their mascot to a tree? It's awesome. A tree dancing on the side of the field. But how is that a cardinal, a bird? I'm confused. This is a fair inquiry. That's a great question.

I didn't know the answer. Fantastic question. And luckily, we here at Pablo Tori finds out. Can we just say, like, would you agree with it? That's a stupid-looking tree, right? Stupid? It's stupid. I don't know why you hate this tree.

It's stupid. It looks like a dumb tree. So what we did was confront our West Coast Bureau Chief, Rachel Miller Howard, here on staff. Shout out to Rachel. With this allegedly stupid tree. And we asked her, can you explain this to us? Please. And here's what Rachel, our friend Rachel, said.

Great producer. Go ahead. Okay, so two things. The first is that the Stanford tree is not the official mascot of the school. It's the mascot of Stanford's wacky marching band, but it does function as the unofficial school mascot. Until 1972, the official Stanford mascot was the Stanford Indian, which was obviously super racist. A group of Native students protested it, and the school ended up dropping it. The tree made its debut in a football field show in 1975 as a spoof. But everybody loved it so much.

it became the band's de facto mascot. And that spirit of absurdity and irreverence, cheekiness, are still very much the M.O. of the Stanford tree. When I talked with last year's tree, I learned about some of the jaw-dropping shenanigans these mischief makers get into. Like, I heard a story about a wannabe tree

who cut off their toes to prove their worth, and they didn't get the job. I heard another story about a tree aspirant putting on one of those dog-shot collars and dancing around on all fours, all while eating live fish and drinking his own urine. And he did get the job. Who knows, what's fact, what's fiction, but I choose to believe it's all true. The second thing I wanted to tell you is that, yes, Stanford is known as the Cardinal,

and it has been since 1981, but it's not actually a bird reference. That's why you don't see a bird flapping around at their halftime shows. Nope, the Stanford Cardinal is a color reference. Their uniforms and flags all red. So, surprise, there is no official mascot of Stanford. But they've got a foliage garbed maniac and a nice rich hue. Yeah, if you're not going to interview trees, you cannot work on Pablo Tori finds out. When I talked to last year's tree was an underrated sentence from that.

There was a lot of incredible reporting in that. My favorite sentence, though, was the one about, like, was it a shotgun? collar and like urine. On all four. And all fours. Yeah. That's something you do on regular. Okay. Do we go to break? So that was like the, that was the poterie section of our non-mail bag, uh, voicemail show.

I mean, I would just thank you again to all the callers. Yes. Because there's a lot of good stuff in there. Thank you. Um, we cannot do this without you. We need you. We love you. This is a, a club that I want everybody to be able to join to plagiarize Tony Cornizer.

Except Ryan Rissolo. Exactly. All right. Ryan Cortez's band list is not my band list. That's fair. I do not speak for you. But, legally speaking, that is important to point out. But there are some voicemails that I think have more depth to them that I want to give more space to, like this one.

Help it think. I see your doppelganger and cousin Richie's episode. Has anyone else told you this, or am I losing my mind? everybody, everybody keeps telling me this. And it's legitimately annoying. It's in real life. People have stopped me about this. It's on the internet.

It's on group chats. So this actor is not just on season two of the bear, one of the great TV shows ever, in my opinion, The Bear. He's also on Platonic, the popular Apple TV show with Seth Rogen. He's a prominent character on that. He's everywhere. He's everywhere. And I've Googled him.

I looked him up. You know, I don't know if you have a bizarro, a doppelganger. Why would I have a bazaro? I'm very unique. I'm the minister of hip-hop. There aren't two of me. Can we just get an ISO of Ryan Cortez? Yeah, there is nobody else like this.

Very unique, not Miami. Yes, thank you. Nope, one of one. That said. That said, I always get compared to this actor whose name, it turns out, is Andrew Lopez. Okay. And it was time, I felt. To fight him?

to try and ambush him. And so what I did was, I never met this guy before in my life. I invited him here to this table to finally confront bizarro me. And having never met him before, I had no idea what the fuck this was going to be like. This is what happened. The problem that I immediately noticed for everyone who's not watching on YouTube is that you and I... Are we recording already? Are we? Yeah.

Okay, sweet. The thing that I was noticing as I was listening to you talk just then, which is already disturbing to me, is that we were unintentionally doing the same thing. We had our hand to our cheek resting on our arm across our... We were doing this unintentionally. But I need to explain why you and I are doing this. So I have gotten...

The last summer, while I've been launching this show, Pablo Torre finds out, I have been simultaneously bombarded by people. and I just want to read you some of these things that I've gotten, okay? May 26th, I love Pablo Torre in the new Apple show Platonic. Okay? June 8th, I'm sure you've heard, but the dude Andrew Lopez from Platonic definitely playing you in a movie. June 19th, it's a trip how much Reggie from Platonic looks like Pablo Torre?

The brother slash investor is sketchy Pablo, right? That's from fucking Mina in a group chat on June 21st. And it goes on here. Why does a digish investor from Platonic look exactly like Pablo? Are you in the new show on Apple TV? Platonic. You've probably heard this a lot, but started watching Platonic last night, had to Google the cast of it to see if it was you playing the Reggie character. It was not.

But would have been cool if it was. You know, I can't tell you, so before I was ever on Platonic, I used to tour with Joe Coy, who was another fellow Filipino legend. Yeah, legend. I hate that. We said that at the same time. I know. This is already disturbing.

I hate this. No, we cannot laugh at the same time. I'm also trying to rub my head instinctively and look distraining myself. This is already... I'm like scared to... This is back. So, the first time I get off of stage, I was in Charlotte, North Carolina. We were playing a theater.

I get off stage and somebody yells, ESPN, bro. They don't even go... They don't even say, you're funny. They go, ESPN, bro. And this is like in 2018, you must have been doing your show with Beaumani at the time. Yeah, high noon. Yeah, we just premiered that year. Bro, I fucking looked you up and I hated you.

I hated you because the first thing I saw was that you're hotter than me. And I don't see it. Do you see it when you looked it up? When you looked me up, did you see it? So I should say that it has bothered me to get compared to you. Yeah. Because I thought I was hotter than you. Yeah, it's, well, dude, see.

And I'm like, really? Like, do we really look that much alike? I've spent an entire life straightening my back, having pride and whatever the fuck going on up here, you know? You know what's really funny, though, is that you are hotter than me, you are taller than me, you have better skin than I do. But you, you, you, you, you,

here's the thing that's crazy about it, though, bro. They put me on camera as the actor. You are a Hollywood, so this is how this. I'm Mickey Rourke you, dude. Oh, I, I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, Bizarro you. I love it. So, Bizarro Me is exactly what I have called you. But this is how this happened.

Your Hollywood Ascent, happening in parallel to the construction of the studio and the show, invading my phone, is that I get all these photonic texts and I'm like, I haven't seen this show. Do I really need to watch this show? I hate this guy also. I hate this, right? There's so many levels to which I dislike this. So same again, same, same. But then one of the shows that I love is the bear.

Yeah. And so I'd watch season. of course, I'm like, season two, yes, it's my time. Let's go. Pablo Time, Violet, my three-year-old's asleep. Pablo time in the living room. Watching the bear, my private space where I can just, like, feel things. And season two, episode seven, episode is titled Forks. Yeah.

Okay? And there you fucking are. On prestige television, critically acclaimed. Like, spoiler alert, it's one of my favorite episodes of television. Ever. Same. As a fan, it's incredible. And you are key to this. And so I watched episode seven of season two of the

bear. You pop up and immediately, all you can hear in my living room is this fucking guy motherfucker. And I immediately text my group chat with Mina and Alan Yang and Mike sure, these TV guys who've been making fun of me. And I'm like, he's

fucking everywhere. And I wanted to hate this. Yeah. And then those tweets come And at that point, I'm just like, okay, this is, we need to, I follow you on Instagram and you kindly message me and this is how this is, this is born. But holy shit, man, like, I can only imagine what your life has been like. Dude, I'm going to derail everything you just did because I want to very many of you. Dude, you are truly, I was just talking to our mutual friend at Lindsay Adler last night. Yeah, yeah.

So the Wall Street Journal. Excellent baseball writer. Great. And I grew up with her in Iowa. and we were just singing the praises about this new world that we live in of understanding the system and being respectful to the system that we, you know, are born into, but then respectfully disrupting. And I think you, when I started to like, like, you know,

I would hear about you like in 2018. I was like, who is this guy? I hate this person. Yes. But bro, you are somebody that is so inspiring to me. Oh, man. I just, and even seeing this, and you're talking about my right, who cares? Like, I...

I care. I appreciate that. I sincerely care. But that's why, dude, that's the most masculine quality you can have is care. That's right. You know, I've gone from hating you to being aroused by you. And therefore, myself, and I'm like, what a delightful ego loop. Because when you look, when you get aroused by me, you're loving yourself, dude.

That's all it is. I just want the audience to know we cannot be looking at each other. pupils any more intimately from across this table. Okay, even more derailing. Did you also get a weird feeling that when people were comparing us, and I'm not one of those guys at race baits, but I was like, is this a weird, all-Philippino? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no doubt. So we should say the obvious here, which is that you are part Filipino.

Yes. Presenting, though, as Filipino because your other part is... I'm a quarter Korean. A quarter Korean. Yeah. Okay, so what's a full combination, then? Let's do the pie chart here. Let's race bait this.

So I'm, okay, my mom is Filipino. My dad is half Korean, half Filipino. Oh. So you're three quarters Filipino. I'm three quarters Filipino. And I was born and raised in Iowa, and I consider myself Iowa. That's the thing. What a freak.

Are you straight Filipino? I am, I am one million percent Filipino-American. And you went to Harvard. I went to Harvard. But you look, but this part of this thing. You just called me a freak, and I am telling you, you straight up are the white. You actually are the whitest Filipino in the world. This is a problem for me.

Which is just fine. So I'm going to ignore this call. We're going to... Who was it? It was God telling me, are you sure you want to... You sure you want to, like, touch hands? Like, light might shoot out of your bodies at this point. So I just need a remark upon the stew that lives inside of us, right?

Because to be Filipino, when you mention, like, I'm a thousand percent Filipino American, right? First one of my family born in America in New York City. Parents came over in the early 80s. My sister was a baby when they came over. So yes, I'm like 100% Filipino. But inside of that, as you know, your fucking name is Andrew Lopez, dude. I'm Pablo Dore. So the idea that like two Asian Americans cutting it up, people already are obviously confused.

I want you know, I feel chaotic. I'm just going to be, I took Zoloff right before I got in here. Perfect. And I feel like I'm having a manic episode still to the same. Honestly, what I have brought you into is as manic an episode as I could personally bespoke design for you. It's like, hey, come into this room inside of that room is the bizarro guy from ESPN who you've hated. You know, okay, I can't even, I don't even, I can't get my mind right. I have hated you, but I, at some point it must have softened, right?

Yes, exactly. And it goes back to exactly why I think you have this mass, the best masculine quality of all times. which is care. And I think when you surround yourself with people who care about you and subsequently you care about them, it becomes this very charged environment of truth and honesty, hopefully comes out. Hopefully.

And a lot of times that looks like hate, but that is ego, that's our ego taking it that way, right? So I think that that comes back around to my parents, growing up in the small town in Iowa, were like, you're Andrew Lopez, that's your name, and you're Filipino. So when people would be like, Andrew Lopez, are you a Mexican? What is what's going on?

I would be like, I'm Filipino. This is why. And they were like, cool. And I just saw how fast ignorance turns into knowledge, but it's my responsibility to be able to give that to them. And I think that that taught me how to, you know, go through hardship early. And I appreciate that. Yeah, I mean, the idea of, hey, I am these things. I contain multitudes.

I can read as Hispanic, Mexican, I've gotten the same exact thing. My name is fucking Pablo. You got Andrew, bro. Think about what it's been like over here on this side of the table. And I'm the third Pablo in a lineage of Pablo's, right? And you have to explain, if you get wanting to explain, like, yeah, by the way, colony of Spain. That then got occupied by the United States and World War II. We were allies.

and they exported basketball and spam. Yeah, yes, Catholicism. Catholicism, coming from the Spanish Empire, running through the Christianity of America. Like, what the Philippines is is its own, I mean, look, the melting pot idea, right? Like, truly the Philippines is indigenous tribes meets China, meets Malay, meets Spain, meets America, meets...

I mean, they have, what, over 99 different dialects in that country. The more islands... in the Philippines. They're more allies in the Philippines anywhere else on earth. They're more dialects, it seems. But somehow we all are really good at karaoke. Yeah, which is, okay, the universal language. Singing,

also all very good at caring. You know what, dude? Actually... So many great nurses, obviously. Like, the nursing industry is... Incredibly Filipino. Yes. Bro, we fucking rock, dude. Look at us, dude. I know. But look at this. I'm fatter than you, too, bro.

Oh, I've been. I've been not eating in preparation for today. Dude, you are a better looking version. We also have a Photoshop filter on this side of the screen. Just like, just get, bring my cheekbones out. You look good. What do you guys think? Let's take a vote.

Come on. Come on. Let's go, bro. All right, this interview is over. Interview's fucking over. Seriously, I'm really, I know this interview was insane, but I'm telling you, like, I respect the fuck out of you, and I'm really glad that I know. I really think we'd be friends.

I cannot believe that this is the first. first time we've met each other in a way that is only explained by a cosmic multiverse. It feels like we've known each other for our entire lives. Congrats, by the way. Seriously, this is so sick. Likewise. I'm telling you, man, no one is doing this. And I'm excited to see where you continually grow and change.

It's going to be awesome. Andrew Lopez, thank you. Thank you, man. I do want to bring something up that shout out to Andrew Lopez. He sat in this chair and he said something a couple of times about how he feels like you're hotter than he is, and you were eager to bring him in, and you even told him that you felt the same way.

You and I used to talk about a man that is now the co-host of El Duncan's podcast. I don't know how to pronounce his last name, forgive me, but I believe it's pronounced Jerry Strusky. He's also known by Mina Kimes as Hot Pablo. So Gary Streisky, forgive me, I believe. Mina branded him Hot Pablo,

which is obviously, deeply offensive. Have him in here. Are you going to have him too? I've been trying to rebrand him as fake Pablo. You're a hater. That dude is too hot to be here, actually. We should put all three.

No, actually, you know what? No one is banned on Pablo Torre finds out except for Gary Streisky. Because he is too hot. I'm uncomfortable that we're showing a photo of him right now, in which that is abundantly clear. His fucking jawline. I know. What is he doing?

Stereids. So at the end here, Cortez, as I unstrap our shock collar And reflect upon what we found out about our listeners About the club that we've made Joined by all of the people who called in What have you found out? I've learned we have a lot of listeners and I love them I get an email notification every time one of you calls

We're closing in on 305 of you My favorite number 305, shout out of Miami Well look, I learned, of course, that I also love all of these people who took the time out of their days to do this sincerely. Also, I love some more than others. Like, I don't know if I love people. I don't love Mike Scher.

Well, do you love this guy? Oh, my God. I'm an asshole. Some would say it's a bad voicemail. Counterpoint could be your voicemail when people call you. Oh, wow. What do you think about that? I think that people would stop calling me,

which would maybe be a good strategy by me. And yet, I don't think that guy deserves. the title of worst yeah let's just say worst caller because of this guy can you figure out what Jim Roma's doing really like to figure out why the dude that birth all of this argument television was being you do something bad you know apparently you didn't switch up the voicemail and sorry about my fourth call but um I thought that you could shed some white.

Holy shit. Completely forgot what I was going to say. Yo. Sorry about that. Will you find out why, like, we find out why Billy Corbyn had the greatest

Friday of his life? Oh, like that faded. I can't even like for the last one, I promise. Um, you should just do a show with your pain.

parents. Like, you're rowley. I know nothing. I have a d'I. I don't know why it works. All right. Thanks, sir. Talk you soon.

Peace. That guy called us six times. You left over seven minutes of tape. He's hired. Producers. Good ideas. He's higher. Which is hard for this show.

To be. It's a lot of calls, dude. I would say in general, if you want me to do a show with my parents, you're going to have to be a little more sober when you call us. Right. I'll also point out, though, that even if you called us and we didn't play your voicemail on today's show, this does not mean that we're not using it. We got too many to play on just today's show, to be honest. And so this is a monthly feature we're going to be doing, right?

Absolutely. And some of the ones you gave us, the deeper ones. We still need to go into that and do the journalism on those. Some of them we've started. Yeah. Yeah, we're good. We're appreciative of you helping us do the thing that allegedly cannot be done. which is a perpetual finding out machine.

Please keep calling, man. Keep calling. Cortez needs to, I assume, you know, buy another ooze tanker. Allegedly. Great company. Shout out to ooze. Allegedly tank all of that ooze.

Oh, baby. Shout out to my lungs. This has been Pablo Torre finds out. A Metal Arc Media production. And I'll talk to you next time.