Pablo Torre Finds Out - Roy Wood Jr.’s Guide to Hosting Awards Shows (and Roasting Joe Biden)

Episode Date: January 19, 2024

He is one of the most talented stand-ups in America. But Roy Wood Jr. is also of the most deliberate thinkers about his craft. Roasting Joe Biden? Nerve-wracking as hell. Hosting an awards show? Like performing for LeBron in the locker room before Game Seven. The former Daily Show correspondent explains the affirmation of not succeeding Trevor Noah, the Taylor Swift-proof takeaway from Jo Koy's Golden Globes monologue, the point of getting booed, the power of free jokes... and how he almost ended up as a baseball umpire. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to Pablo Torre finds out. I am Pablo Torre, and today we're going to find out what this sound is. Happy to be here. Real quick, Mr. President, I think you left some of your classified documents up here. Right after this ad. You're listening to Giraff Kings Network. I have been watching you collect a bunch of experiences over the past year that feel very old school because it's you in a room.

hosting something in front of human beings. And you might be the only person in the history of the planet to have hosted events, functions, dinners attended by Joe Biden, Will Smith, and Bartolo Cologne. Yes. Bartolo Cologne doesn't speak a lick of English. I don't speak a lick of Spanish. best hang I've had with an athlete in 10 years. I want to know everything.

Hands down, the best hang. Second only to Tori Holt and Marshall Falk at a cancer benefit that Tori Holt used to, I don't know if he still does, but at the time it was like 0-7-08. And I was in the room with all of them at that benefit, and that was a good hang. Like, athletes who did not treat you like you were less than them,

athletes who treated you like, oh, you're a professional in your field and you're here, I respect you as well. And this is Marshall Falk. He could easily just go get the hell out of my face. Yeah, juke you out of the room. Bartolo Cologne. Only person I know who don't speak to language who comes in the room to speak to everybody. Like, just a gentleman and just, hello?

And I'm trying to like think of Spanish words. What do you hit him back with? You're the man. I just said you're the man. So you should know that communication is a very important thing to Roy Wood Jr. Who was a man that I consider one of the most talented standups in America. But even more than that, Roy is also one of the most analytical stand-ups in America. Another comedian, actually, once told me that Roy's comedy and show business mind is so good

that he gets a call from a comic every two days, just asking for advice. Which I now understand. because Roy himself went from a total outsider to a guy on stage in the spotlight at very fancy Black Tie awards shows. And on Monday, for instance, you could find him on stage on TV, accepting an Emmy with the Daily Show, and silently mouthing the words, please hire a host.

You can see this on YouTube of the Drag Kings Network, while standing right behind the Daily Show's previous host, Trevor Noah, who was giving his... accepted speech. Trevor Noah, by the way, still does not have a replacement, which is why Roy Wood Jr. unilaterally decided to leave The Daily Show a couple months ago, all of which we will discuss in a little bit after a retired pitcher named Bartolo Big Sexy Cologne. So we're in Vegas for the All-MLB show, and, you know, it's Vets there and like... This is the awards show where they proclaim the equivalent of the All-N-B.

team, like the all-sport all-stars. Correct. And they have this thing the night before where you know, MLB was just like, hey, you want to watch hockey, we're going to go watch hockey. And I'm not thinking twice about it. Yeah, I want to go watch hockey. And in walks Bartolo

Colon with Fred McGriff and Ronald Ocunia's up the hall. Like, it's just baseball players at hockey. And you know, you're trying not to fan out, but then I'm like, oh, it doesn't matter. He don't, he don't speak enough English to understand what I'm saying. And I can't explain it, but like just through eye contact and a smile, it's just universally.

We drink. We cheers. And I'm wearing an expose jacket. Bartolo pulls up a picture of him when he played with the expos. And I'm trying to say to him, you used to be slim. And then he says, in Spanish, but I don't understand it. But I understood. I go, you used to be slim.

He goes, I'm still slim. Who's nailing jokes? The coolest athlete I've kicked it with. easily in the last decade. In your capacity as comedian, you get called to host these things. And in my mind, it's a little like hiring an assassin. It's like you have one job, one night,

and your job is to basically come up with a custom strategy to kill the people in that room. Correct. But also your weapon may not work. Also, you did not load your own weapon. Someone else helped you load the weapon, you know, the jokes, the writers. So might work, might not work. To me, of everything that I had an opportunity to host last year,

the African American Film Critics Association, that gig was probably the most pivotal because it was the first, like, oh, shit, this one's going to be some heavyweights in the room. Thank you for this evening. Why would you? It's like twice as hard to get black people to laugh and it's three times as hard to get serious black people to laugh. Like it's Viola Davis is in the room.

Angela Bassett, Courtney B. Vance. Danielle Deadweiler, who was there nominated for Emmett Till. I was going to say, like, emancipation is on the docket for things to celebrate tonight. You played Emmett Till's mama. She's in the room tonight. Oh, here's a joke. No. The degree of difficulty.

Hi. But it's fun. That's what makes comedy fun, is that every now and then you get to juggle dynamite. Half this room kind of knows me. The other half doesn't. So I feel like I get to operate from an advantage because you don't know what to expect for me.

I have no precedent. But that much, I don't know how to do that. Chase your Black Payne for some avid. Then put a little point of bronze in there right, and then you come back. When you're performing at a ceremony that is honoring the best of black cinema for the year, these are all of our prime.

five-star recruits, five-star directors, five-star actors, five- so if you do anything that pisses off one of them, the whole room is against you.

Because we're all together. It's us versus you. Because also, I'm not a star of cinema. I've done two films in 26 years. Granted, one was with John Hamm, you know,

a much respect to confess Fletch. Absolutely. But it ain't Emmett Till. It ain't the color purple. I'm not a star of a hit black sitcom. So you know me and you're cool with me, but you don't know me enough to have a high enough level of respect for me to give me permission to take a shot at you in your craft.

So what's the joke that misses that nerve ending? But also still is edgy enough and fun enough that can try and connect the room. So my strategy, at least for this year, is connect the room. It's a complimentary insult, if you will. like in the sense that I'm going to say something that you could perceive as negative because you're on edge and you're a star

and you're an actor and you take yourself way too serious. And you want to win? Yeah, and you want to win. So you're already way too high strong because you just, this is everything. All these people at these award shows, man, they're Gallum from Lord of the Rings.

It's like they're there to win. They want their precious. Michael Chey tweeted recently. And I just have, you know, it's on Instagram. He don't fuck with Twitter. That's right. He should not. Michael Che was on Instagram the other day, and he said that award shows, performing for movie stars is the most difficult.

And I agree with this. And he said it's because the award show is their game seven. It's their chance to win a trophy. So they're dead-ass serious. So he said, imagine performing for LeBron James in the locker room before game seven of the final. As stressed as LeBron is, how open to chuckles is he going to be? Did you see the clip of LeBron after that game that they lost recently? The Lakers lost, and he was asked about Ricky Rubio retiring?

What do you think about the career that he has had in the NBA? You answer that question, but I respect Ricky. Congratulations on the hell of a career. And if I don't seem sincere when you see this video, Because we got our ass with the game, and I apologize. So it was actually bad timing on the interviewer asking me this question is not me, Ricky. So congratulations. Basically, the message was, this is not about Ricky Rubio, but I don't give a fuck about this, and you should not have asked me.

Yeah. Yeah. It's the only thing in their mind. And now, chuckle, man, will come out here and make you chuckle before the most stressful evening. So the idea of, all right, what's the connector? Look at all the films. I sat and I watched all the films that were getting nominated and just trying to find what is the thread between the two.

And the thing with Emancipation and the Woman King, and I knew Viola Davis would be there. I also knew that Gina Prince Bythwood would be there, who was the director. Both of the movies are outside. The entire film is outside. and just the idea of convincing a black person to do a movie and a swamp outside for the whole film.

Because she shot a movie in its entirety in Africa outdoors in the summer. I'm basically accusing Viola Davis was only indoors twice. And it was at John Boyega's house. I'm basically accusing Viola Davis being musty. Which is a bold move. But it's couched in wide. Wow, you were outside.

That was a dedication to the craft. That was amazing. You didn't even get to take a bath until Act 2. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Reverse engineering. Instead of just going, give it a Father of David. She was out there musty. I know you was musty.

Out there in Africa? Then the two of the fuck is this guy. Right. If you can get Angela Basson and Courtney B. Vance to shake your hand. And I feel like you did all right with the black people. I'm like that. Because that's also what you want to a degree. you want some degree of,

because a lot of, you know, I swim in a lot of mainstream borders, but a lot of what I do is to try and inspire young black minds. So the people that create the content that does a lot of the inspiring, it's nice to get a chuckle from that community. Yeah. I don't think there's anything wrong with being loved by your community.

I think you have to have that because when the rest of the world choose you up and spit you out, all I'll have is black America. So I have to, like, make sure that I'm not disparaging. that. All communities matter, Roy. Yeah, but when those communities don't fuck with you. And you're 65, you're struggling to get it. Hashtag all communities matter. I don't think you're hearing me. Well, tell them the bow ticket. I got the metrics. I can tell you

which communities don't rock with me. Let's go inside of the room, the community. That is the White House Correspondence Dinner. Because for people who aren't familiar, familiar. This is a distinctly American tradition that begins in 1921. Traditionally, the president of the United States and the vice president are both there, as long as they're not Donald Trump, I guess. But it's also everybody who seems to have a microphone that matters in Washington, D.C., and the companies and organisms that cover the most powerful people in our country politically. And so, do you have a sense as to how you... you got that call and why you got that call.

What was the antecedent for why Roy Wood Jr. was called up to do this? So I got the correspondent's dinner as in April. Yes. January, I go to the White House to cover the Warriors visit, championship visit to the White House. With a daily show. Correct. For daily show. And I get a chance to talk to Steve Kerr, Steph, Traymond.

What is one rule that you would have the president changing the NBA? One rule, no text. That's an easy one for me, no technical files. You can't go no text. No, you can. You know, I get a call eventually from Tamara Keith, who was a head of the Press Corps Association at the time. I don't think she still is.

She just goes, hey, white house correspondentist association, we think you're funny and you do good shit on a daily show. Would you be interested in this? Like, it's... In the most pressurized opportunity For anybody who does political comedy To engage in. It's like when Bruce Willis gets the call in Armageddon

It's just like, You're the only one that can do this hairy stamper. And then I go, if I'm going to do it, I got to have a team. That's right. Get me the best writers. You're going to drill a fucking hole into this asteroid. Yeah, we need you to try and blow it up. Roy, the podium is yours.

I'm going to be fine with your jokes, but I'm not sure about dark Brandon. It is probably the most nerve-wracking gig next to Showtime at the Apollo Amateur Night, which I still would rank more difficult than the correspondent's been. How old were you when you did that? 21, 22. The thing about the Apollo theater that they don't tell you, everybody's drunk people are drinking at the

at least in 2002 when I did the Apollo mixed drinks was $4 so people was having a ball and they block shoot the show so it's a like they're drunk at the correspondence dinner but it's classy tuxedo drunk so I'm just I'm one drink too many

into drunkenness where's it the Apollo cat's in the third deck oh good night. For you, the drunker you are, the scarier you are as an audience member. For a comedian, yes. For an amateur comedian, absolutely. For a room full of drunk people, and I have to impress you, I'd rather be in the locker room trying to make LeBron chuckle. You shoot all of the music acts first. Most music acts do two performances. So P Diddy and the family

does two songs. DMX comes out and does two songs. Then Jaru comes out and does two songs. So the first 45 minutes is just some of the best peak hip hop you've ever seen. You're following that. Oh, not yet. No, it's all of these Grammy winners just rocking and buster rhymes and just killing it. Crowd going crazy. At this point, we're about two hour and a half, two hours into this audience just drinking. And then Rudy Rush goes, all right, child, time for the amateur comedians.

You don't stand a chance. All right, we're going to bring out the next contender. He's been dominating for a while. His weight class is getting up, y'all, from Alabama, y'all, Birmingham, that is. Y'all give it up. My man, Roy Woods, Jr. Now, let me take that back.

There are comedians that I saw that night, who, to this day, I have witnessed very few comedians crush as hard as they crushed. My shit just wasn't on point. But y'all just like down south, man, fellas, you go to the club, you pay for the ladies' drinks, right? Yeah, they cheap, like that down. Keep it real. Drinks cost you much.

You feel of me, bro? It was one of those bombs where I bombed, and then I stayed to watch the other comedians because I've driven so. I've driven from Alabama. I'm sleeping in my car out in Jersey. No, if I suck, that's cool. But let's see what does well so I can better understand the psychology of this audience. Roy, you were the guy, the athlete who loses the game, but is standing on the field watching

the trophy presentation. Yeah, as Tommy Johnigan calls it After we lost on Last Comic Standing I'm standing in another person's confetti Oh man And you never want to stand in another person's confetti But I did it that night Because I have to know

I have to know how to... Otherwise, how am I getting better? Right, right, right. That's the whole point of getting booed Is it get better, nobody's going to remember you. They're going to remember you. What did you learn As you were watching other people's confetti

rain down upon you? You need high energy, you need to connect fast. You only have three minutes. The audience doesn't know you and their tipsy, some are drunk. So it's about relating to them on their level. It's not about being who you want to be. It's about showing them that you can relate to who they are. And that's the quickest way to connect with a roomful of strangers. And even with everything else I host it, same, same game. Right. And so I want to bring us back to the dais where you take over for the president of the United States. And immediately, you shake hands with them.

And you make fun of them immediately. Have to. I have to. Y'all give it up for dark branding. I'm happy to be here. Oh, real quick, Mr. President, I think you left some of your classified documents up here. You can get to them.

Don't give them to him. I'll put him in a safe place. He don't know where to keep him. At the time, the document stuff was starting to come up, and I didn't have a lot of material about documents and Mara Lago and Mike. Pence's name had been swirling and Biden. We're just like, what if just Biden left documents at the podium?

What if we just gave him back his documents that he left? Yeah, that could work. Might not work. But in case it doesn't work, let's do it quickly as he's sitting down. So now, if it doesn't work, it feels like it wasn't even a joke that I attempted. Yeah. It's a free joke. Yeah.

Because it's still we're transitioning, the transition of power to the market. microphone. Then you go, hello, how are you doing tonight? There immediately you live up to the rule that you set out, which is I'm going to establish who I am for those who are not familiar, and I'm going to make fun of myself. Out the gate. I know you don't know who I am, so let's address that. I'm well aware that not everybody in this room knows who I am, so let's just address the elephant in the room. I know what it is. Half this room think I'm Keenan Thompson. Other half think I'm Louis Armstrong. President Biden thinks I'm the daddy. family matters.

I just feel like in so many situations where I've been hosting, I'm operating against an audience where half of them don't know who I am, so you don't know what to expect. It's not like Jimmy Kimmel at the Oscars. You know Jimmy Kimmel. You know what he's about. So Jimmy doesn't have to, he doesn't have to add preamble at the beginning of his set,

whereas I felt like this year for just most, all of every show. It's just because they're all different. None of these demos were the same either. It's so funny to go look at just like a montage of the cutaways to the crowd. Because I consumed all of your shit in like

the course of two days and I was like, oh my God. Like they just cut away to a baseball player that I can't even identify. Yeah. And then they cut away to, again, Will Smith. And then oh, there's... Kelly Ann Conway. And so it's a difference between

like... one of my sets and maybe, let's just say, Ricky Dervace when he used to host Golden Globes, Ricky Dervase has a huge advantage over most performers that have hosted the Golden Globes and that he is one of that community at a level of prestige, and they already know what he's about. You already know my politics, you know what I do.

So Dervis ain't got to waste no time. He can come in, just out the gate, jab, jab, jab, jab. Same as Jimmy Kimmel at the Oscars. If Jimmy wants to take a shot at somebody, can because half of y'all been on my show. So you know what I'm coming, you know whether or not I'm serious or being malicious, where if you're just Joe Blow comedian that the audience doesn't know as much, then immediately they're just going to go, how dare you? Could you believe he did? Nobody reacted like that with Jervais, but they did with Joquois. Yeah. Same event. Same,

same stars. As you know, we came on after a football double header. The big difference between the Golden Globes and the NFL. On the Golden Globes, we have fewer camera shots of Taylor Swift. I swear. There's just more to go to. Sorry about that. I was going to ask how you felt

watching him go through the experience of working a room that was not with him in the least at the Golden Globes. He did the jokes. You do the jokes that you write. And if they laugh, they laugh, they don't. You have to stay true to the material. You can't call an audible and lash out

and attack the audience. But that's also what I'm talking about in the sense of what they gave Joe Coy wasn't fair because you wouldn't have given that the Ricky Jervase and Rickie Jervase would have went harder at y'all. Ricky Jervis would have told y'all. Rickie Wravece would have opened with an Epstein Island joke. Yes. Off the rip. So this idea of getting mad and then calling a comedian, oh, he was nasty.

Right, the idea that Taylor Swift taking a drink from her glass was an indictment of the host to me. is infuriating, not because I loved Joe Koi's set, but just because why that's the indictment of the joke that she didn't like it? Okay, don't like the joke, but then to turn around and go, this was a malicious attack on the community.

No, it wasn't. It was jokes. If the audience has already decided we don't, who are you? Then you're already coming in with two strikes out the gate, dog. So what I've tried to do with some of these sets is

get that out of the way. But that costs time. And you could just be doing the jokes. Joe Coy just did the jokes. Fine. I chose, hey, political people, don't he be losing the documents? All right.

You don't know who I am, do you? Ha, ha, ha. Okay, now let's start. Right. But that cost me four minutes. Yep. Yep, yep. So those are jokes that, you know,

nobody remembers those jokes the same as the Clarence Thomas NFT joke or something like that. A billionaire named Harlan Crow. It's flying Clarence Thomas all over the world on unreported trips, like an Instagram model, taking Clarence to the Maldives and the beaches and all. Pay for his mama's house, this billionaire. Pay for Clarence Thomas' house. I got to give it up to billionaires.

Billionaires, boy, y'all, y'all are relentless. Y'all always come up with something new to buy. Like, just when you think of everything you could buy on Earth, a billionaire will come up with a new thing, y'all buy space rockets, you bought Twitter. This man bought a Supreme Court justice. Do you understand how rich you have to be to buy a Supreme, a black one on top of that?

There's only two in stock, and Harlan Crow owns half the inventory. We can all see Clarence Town. But he belongs to billionaire Harlan Crow. And that's what an NFT is. That one's my favorite. I wonder if it is also your favorite. Oh.

There are some good ones. No, the school shooting one I like more. Only because it wasn't supposed to get a laugh and it got the groan that we hope for. Drag queens are not at a school to groom your kids. Stop it. Stop it. Like the groan where it was like,

Why are you worried about trans people into schools? Even if they were, most of them kids going to get shot at school, it ain't no problem. Don't groan past legislation. Like they booze gonna bother me. I'm like, I'm like Mitch McConnell. I ain't got no soul. Those kids are just gonna get shot anyway.

I mean, oh. I felt like I had a lot of people that had my back that were looking over me, you know. And also Lester Holt. It's always a good feeling when you look out. I see Lester Holt. Was he giving it? Was he giving it up?

He gave me like the Mr. Miyagi smirk, which for Lester Holt, that's like a standing ovation. Absolutely. He's like, mm-hmm. That feels, that's kind of a feel so. That is what Bartolo. And that was an old black man sound I just made. That wasn't me doing an Asian old man sound. Correct, correct.

Nice try. I can validate this. I saw you getting ready to pull that clip and post it. That week, you had just hosted the Daily Show, I believe. Yeah, guest hosted it the whole week. And they praised you for it at the White House Correspondents. thinner, that was April. And then in October, for people who aren't familiar with your Uvra, Roy, you decide to do what? Leave the Daily Show.

Roy Wood Jr. is leaving the Daily Show. The comedian and correspondent for the Comedy Central series revealed his plans to depart the show amid its search for a new host in an interview with NPR. According to Wood, his decision to leave was based on the demand of the correspondence role on his schedule and detention, as well as a disinterest in continuing in the position while, quote, waiting for someone else to take the top job following Trevor Noah's departure last year. You have to, like, figure out other stuff. I wasn't mad. Like, it wasn't beef. It was just, all right, it looks like this figuring out who the host thing is going to take a while. Respect. I'm going to go and figure out other shit.

And if you need a host or something, I'm going to. around tell I'm not, but I'm around. But I'm going to go figure out other, because that's just being a correspondent, man, and trying to figure out what's next for yourself, that's a slippery slope, bro. I love the show. I love everybody over there. But let's be real, I cannot figure out how to do what is next while I'm still doing the thing because that thing is so mentally consuming.

You're going to get sent out on this, that, and the third, fill piece, and all types of stuff. And so trying to ideate what's next and then you look up in January and you may find out that you were not a part of the next iteration of the Daily Show. Now you have a shorter runway

to figure out what is next for yourself. And you really feared, or at least you wanted to take seriously, the fear that maybe the Bruce Willis you guys hire doesn't want me on his drilling team. Well, may not be on his team. Which is crazy to me as an outsider. I think the reaction for many people was

A, you guys fucked up by not giving this job to Roy. But B, I'm curious actually how it feels when people tell you that. I'd take it as a compliment just to the work that we put in, you know, but I think that every host that they've had

with the exception of Craig Kilbourne who was first, you know, nobody really understood John Stewart as a choice. And there were a lot of people who didn't want Trevor in the building as well. So there's going to be people

who just going to go with whatever they choose to do next, they're going to say they should have done X, Y, Z. When they named Trevor, there was five of the names people wanted instead of Trevor. So I would just trust that the people over at Paramount are deciding what they want to do, and I hope that they prove themselves right with whoever they put in the chair. But it didn't like make me go, hell yeah, damn. You're right, I should have been the whole. It's like, I appreciate that.

And if anything, it's just validation to me to go and figure out, All right, well, what do I want to do? Because there's people who think I should sit in a chair. Well, that ain't the only chair. I go build my own chair. I can create a little. Yep. I can get me some of this shit and be one of these LEDs.

Roy Wood Jr.: with podcast audience is gesturing around at this psychedelic laser tag studio. That I love. When people say that to me, I take it as a sign of appreciation for the work that I put in and meaning that there's still people out there that care what I have to say about stuff. I just have to figure out the most efficient way to go out and do it. So in the meantime, it's TV, it's film, you know, trying to sell scripts in that regard. Because I still like doing that as well. That's the other thing.

I don't want to just sit and yell all the time about politics. I've enjoyed not being completely plugged into everything. Well, let me ask it to you this way, because I want to get into what you are doing in lieu of this all-consuming job corresponding to then potentially host. But just because I want to register this feeling accurately and honestly, how disappointing was it for you

to not be given the job after, you know, it was Hassan Minaj who was going to get it, and then he had his shit, which is a longer podcast to get into. That's a separate. Which I do want to get into, but not right now. And then there's this vacuum

and it doesn't automatically go to you. And the disappointment, on that you would describe to an outsider as what? It wasn't disappointing. It was just more affirming than anything. I did morning radio for about 12 to 14 years while I was doing stand-up. Let's just say 12 years and there was some gaps in there. But the second time I went back to Birmingham, I went back to Birmingham to host the show.

And I got fired over Twitter. I found out on Twitter in the morning that I did not have a radio show. That's how the firing went down. And you go through all the gamut of emotions and anger. And, you know, in hindsight, I understand why. I didn't like how. But I understood the why, and a lot of it boiled down to at the time. I'd booked the sitcom, the sitcom won a second season.

I was going to be spending more time in Los Angeles. I was going to be a host that would have one foot out. Now, when you look at the way radio is done now, it's the norm for somebody to not be in town half the time. But in those days, for the type of radio DJ, they wanted somebody that would be in Birmingham, boots on the ground. I couldn't. So, but in the moment, it hurt and I was angry,

but then you just recognize this business. It's all business, man. You don't rock with me no more, and that's business. And that lesson just never left me. So, like, you start getting into anger. Now you start thinking, you deserve, you start thinking you owed. So if you owed something, then go get it for yourself

instead of getting mad at somebody for not giving it to you. But what I couldn't do is wait around again to get Twittered again. You know what I mean? Yes. And so the idea of recognizing, when you work in corporate America long enough, you know when you're not going to get an answer anytime soon.

Mm-hmm. And they say no answer is an answer. I don't really think that's the case with Comedy Central. I think they're legit. Just what, hmm, I don't know. This, we could hire this. Yeah. Let's punt on fourth down, maybe.

Hey, couldn't help but notice that Hassan's out the game. Am I still in the mix? Well, we're still assessing everything. We love what you do, Roy. All right, I'm going to take off. I love y'all. But I'm going to be over here doing my own. So you can't exist in that.

and also be mad at somebody for not choosing. I mean, you think about it, and then you go, okay, well, what was the show going to be with me? What they have even won at that? I might have been walking into a big creative battle anyway. Had you dreamed on that, what you would have done? A little bit. Not a lot, let it know what the budget.

I don't know what kind of budget they would be giving me. I know it's not going to be 2015, Trevor Noah budget. The two things I know I love, and this is just wherever I ideate next, I know I enjoy talking to strangers, and I love local and state news. I think a lot of what happens in this country is just local and state, and that news connects more to the national conversation. The local news is the same national story, but it's quicker, it's more condensed. There's a feel-good story at the end of 30 minutes, about some.

dog eating a cupcake, and then Willa Fortune comes on. So I spend more time now watching local news from just random cities across the country on YouTube, and that's what I do. I was texting your former office mate at the Daily Show, Ronnie Chang. Ah, that's the chain, man. Friend of the show. Who still lobbies for me to come back to Daily Show, by the way. He texts me like once a month.

Ronnie Chang texted me two things. He texts me terribly misspelled sports takes, and he texts me things lately. about why he loves you because I asked him like and it just hasn't stopped I'm like scrolling through this right now his paragraphs dude and one of the things just to distill it

one of the things he sort of circles in his scouting report of you is that you were his guide to America and that and that you as his guide to America he realizes now were the perfect guide

because he calls you and this is just his his terminology USA Comic Road Dog has done comedy in every state, except maybe Alaska, ask him about his journey around America. 49 states. And that's what you have been doing also this year

since leaving. The Daily Show is, you're b-a-on-the-road. Seeing the country, seeing these people in these local news stories that you're watching as well remotely on YouTube. Because it's easy to get an idea of what you think America is if you've never met and interacted with these folks.

But, you know, before I did Daily Show, I was 15 years on the road. Like, just every year, 50,000 miles on my car, just driving. The fast food also, Ronnie mentions. Yeah, Ronnie won't eat any of it. I took him to his first Waffle House one time in Ohio during the RNC in 2016. We took a 35-minute Uber ride to Akron. What a madlib.

He had never experienced it. No, he got to. He got to. He was not impressed. And, you know, Ronnie, like, eats healthy. There's nothing healthy at Waffle House. I'm like trying to get him to try cheese grids to shit. I didn't know at the time.

He's like trying to like get in shape for crazy rich Asians. I know. To be a Marvel movie to bring him to a Waffle House. Even an all-American. Ronnie, I love, man. Ronnie, like, that was like a, I don't know, closest thing to like an office brother. Like, you talk about work wives. The show that is just you two guys in a room together, teaching each other about.

What happened? So Ronnie and I shared an office with the only two correspondents who shared an office. So our conversations, we had a TV between our desk. And so one of the things I do when I'm just writing in general every day, I try to watch 30 minutes of a channel that I've never watched and never, or watch 30 minutes of a program. Just what are other people into? Let me just watch it and it may pop an opinion in my head, whatever.

And so we just watch random channels in, and some days Ronnie would have a question and that would go off into an hour-long conversation. Sometimes in our... Like when people talk about the early days of Kornheiser and Wilbon and how they would argue at the Washington Post, that's Ronnie and I in the back hallways. You just hear two...

You hear a black and an Asian just yell. But why would you do that? That doesn't make sense. It does make sense in baseball. It's an unwritten rule. Unwritten rules are stupid. Unwritten rules are what keep the game in order. Then write them as rules.

You can't write them as rules. You can't legislate hitting someone. But you can hit somebody as legislate. So duck season, wabbit season type of shit. Totally. Ronnie was the first person I told I had a kid on the way. Ronnie, like, when I say like, we're close, like, yeah. Hey man, I'm going to be a dad.

Good luck with that. Ronnie told me another detail about you, which is my favorite detail about you officially now. Which is that, and I want to get his language right here. he almost became a baseball umpire yeah what the fuck the harry wendlestit school of umpiring into Florida

okay how real how serious was this ambition I didn't know that you had to house yourself I thought it was just pay for the school and just you know you go or whatever like it's like a couple of weekends it is not a couple of weekends it is not a couple of weekends.

It's months of that shit. And I would have had to come off the road to do it. And I thought it was like a couple of weeks or something like that. And I could couch surf with some other comedians. When was this? This is early 20s. Like once you realize you're never going to play baseball and you're trying to figure out a way to still be around the sport.

And then I started doing the metrics of the money of it all. and it was like I was already in the middle of one broke-ass struggle which is open-mic comedian around the South and then the idea of paying thousands of dollars to learn professional umpiring knowing that your first gig is still going to be some high school games and then you get college after a while then you get mindedly like do you understand how long it's going to take you

and then I just started watching baseball and I noticed like there's really and I could be wrong, but just in first glance, there didn't seem to be many umpire, professional Major League umpires, under the age of 40. Mm-hmm. So I'm like, and I'm like 20, 21,

I'm like, excuse me for 20 years, I just got to do high school games for $70. And also, these games are going to restrict my travel. So I'm not going to be able to do it. So, you know, I'm just going to pass on the Harry Wendleston School of it, but it was in the back of a Beckett baseball card monthly. And I never forgot.

What a publication to find an alternate timeline inside of it. Yeah. Every month they send out a magazine. I wonder what my Jim Tomey rookie cards worth. Also, wait a minute. Yes. Why were you drawn to the job of umpire? Because I imagine an umpire has power, certainly. They're in the game, but also they have some stage time as well.

It is drunk with absolute power. Yeah, it is. It is. I don't know. I just never, I just always, even now, still trying to figure out a way to just be around. the sport of baseball. And so now I try to be a booster from my high school team

and do stuff for the city. They got the throwback game in Birmingham this year in June, so we're trying to organize some stuff with MLB about that. But I don't know. I just saw it as an easy way, what I thought,

to make money on the road by traveling as an umpire. So my big plan was, like in those days, you could get booked in the city for like two weeks straight, as an MC, like certain comedy clubs, and comedy clubs were like proper five, six-day venues.

So you'd be in town for two weeks. I worked day jobs when I was on the road. I'm like, well, umpiring, you make a little more, and it's less time, you know, 50 bucks a game. The game is only three hours, and minimum wage was like five and a quarter. I'm like, yeah. And then I get there,

and then I can just umpire from four o'clock to seven. The show's at eight. You were going to do both. Yeah. But I was already doing a job. I was already working 8 to 5 in factories and shit. Like I was working just regular day labor, like straight up. Like sometimes I would go to daily work, daily pay places and proper paperwork.

In other days, I'm just in front of the Home Depot like everybody else. You need yard today? Cool. And then I would go do jokes that night. So I'm already working. So yeah, I'm parents. The only thing wider than that was in college. and I thought I was going to work on a fishing boat in Alaska

because George Clooney Perfect Storm it came out. And that's like, seems like a cool job. We're looking at 40 to 50 foot waves. Gale Force wins. It's a real bad one. Right in our path. It was like $3,000 for the month. And I'd never seen that type of money.

$3,000 a month. At 18? I just want to point out, that you are simultaneously, one of the most deliberate thinkers about your craft that I've ever met, and also seemingly

one of the most easily influenced people that I have ever had sit at this table. It was, to be fair. You saw the perfect storm? Yeah, I was like, I'm like, I'm a fucking job. I was a man, shit. Like, just on the ocean,

and it's dangerous, it's badass. I was like, yeah, I'll do $3,000 a month. And then once you do the math of really laying out 40 hours a week, I was like Golden Corral pays about the same So I ended up at Golden Corral

Instead of going to Alaska I should have gone Should have gone Oh god $3,000 a month man At 18 years old That's fucking bread Those were desperate times

Man You try to make money Do whatever you can Whatever you do next to make money Roy Wood Jr. I am excited to see it I appreciate it I appreciate it

Thank you for letting me stand in a little bit of your confetti today. This is probably as good a time as any to mention that one of those award shows from earlier has already called me about coming back next year. I can't say which one because it's not public yet, but I'm going to go back. Just when you thought you were out. Yep. And watch that be the one I bomb. Should I left on a high.

What do I do? Go back again. Armagedon, too. Oh, God. Speaking of a whole squad of people who are dedicated to helping the host not bomb. I should point out that Pablo Torre finds out is produced by Michael Antenucci, Ryan Cortez, Sam Daywig, Juan Galindo, Patrick Kim, Neely Lohman, Rachel Miller-Howard, Ethan Schreier, Carl Scott, Matt Sullivan, Chris Tumenello, and Juliet Warren. Our studio engineering is by RG Systems. Our post production is by NGW Post, and our theme song, as always, is by John Brombrose. Bravo. And yeah, we will see you next week.