Pablo Torre Finds Out - Share & Adobo & Tell with Alonzo “Hamburger” Jones and Michael Cruz Kayne

Episode Date: September 12, 2025

A visit from the Def Comedy Jam legend that, as of one month ago, Pablo and Michael did not know. Alonzo “Hamburger” Jones is not afraid to answer the tough questions: how he discovered his catchphrase; why he’s wearing a Daniel Jones jersey; and what it was like to be in a lineup with Chris Tucker and Bernie Mac. Also: Filet-O-Fish. Previously on PTFO: Share & Hamburger & Tell:https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/pablo-torre-finds-out/id1685093486?i=1000724661384Catch Hamburger Jones on tour: https://www.comedianhamburger.com/shows Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I'm Pablo Torre, and this episode of Pablo Torre finds out is brought to you by Remy Martin 1738, Accord Royale. Exceptionally smooth cognac for all your game day festivities, please drink responsibly. Because today, we're going to find out what this sound is. You're laughing, but I was mad because for years, I've been teased and laughed at for wearing a cowboy hat over 30 years. Beyonce makes one song, comes out wearing a cowboy hat, and the whole world was... You were laughing at me last week, but... Now you're wearing it. Where can I get a cowboy hat?

Right after this ad. I just need to say thank you for coming in. Thank you, man. I appreciate it. It's an honor, and I'm flattered. Can I ask you a question that is very self-serving, but I think we'll establish some of the ground rules for what's about to happen here. Oh, okay.

Hamburger, do you have any idea, like, what this show does normally, to what extent, is this a thing that you're familiar with in any way? And if the answer is, I know nothing, that is my default, expectation, so please just... I know nothing. What do I have to sign? Perfect. That's great.

Oh, I need to sign something. Something. In truth, like the whole origin of this, with me and Michael Cruz-Cain, who's sitting to my right and you, Alonzo Hamburger Jones, sitting across from us in a way that is so exciting, is that as of a couple weeks ago, months ago, depending on how long ago that was, that we talked about you, you walking in here would have meant very, very, little to me relative to what it means today. Can I just clarify something up top?

Do you prefer to be addressed as hamburger? I can call me hamburger. For real? I sort of executively... You just went for it. I wasn't sure if that was the... It crossed my mind, but then you signed one of your texts, I think, or messages, Hammer.

Okay. And I was like, I'm just going to pretend like I can be familiar as well. A bold move. We talked about how we didn't know you. Right. And then what I did was I got a... extraordinarily familiar with you by watching all the game film. Not much of a life, huh? You have nothing else to do? Just bored?

Powell is mostly Googling. If he's not here, even when he is here, he's just Googling stuff. And Michael, by contrast, what have you done to prepare for this? I have done nothing. I have done nothing to prepare for it, except I have watched and re-watched the clip from Deaf Comedy Jam, which I've seen, now I've probably seen like 20 times. Wow. Okay, I got to... 20 new views, thank you. So if you're new to Pablo Tori finds out because you just subscribed for our ongoing investigative series

about the Clippers and Steve Balmer and Kauai Leonard, thank you. Thank you for the views. We very sincerely appreciate that. You should also know that our show, which comes out three times a week, investigates lots of other stuff. Pretty much all the time. And exactly one month ago,

we dropped an episode with Michael Cruz-Cain and our friend Katie Nolan where we found out something else. I learned about a comedian whose name I think is Alonzo Hamburger. Do you guys know this guy? Well, I'll tell you the big thing about Alonzo hamburger

is that he says hamburger a lot. He says hamburger all the time. Look at this big joker here. Same don't one standing in front of YMC. It's talking about, ooh, look, they don't spell Macy's wrong. Hamburger. Then once other people heard us say all of that, it began to dawn on me that this was someone

that lots of other people, friends of mine, extremely vividly remember, specifically from Deaf Comedy Jam in the 1990s. And they were horrified, almost offended that we did not. So I thought that it was only right that I find this catchphrase comedy legend and invite him into our studio to sit with us. And we somehow started talking about the thing that every other sports podcast has been talking about this month,

the NFL. I want to visually describe what you're wearing because it's one of my favorite things about what's happening right now. Right. You're wearing a Daniel Jones' Giants jersey. Jones. Yes, but it's Jones. It's for the Jones. I assumed it was for the Jones.

So the Daniel part of it It is very, it's irrelevant to the jersey that you're wearing. Well, I'm a big Giants fan. Okay. I wanted him to do much better. When he came to the team, I thought that, you know, the first year was good. In my opinion, I thought he was good. But he didn't have a good offensive line, and I don't think he got a fair shot.

And you know how New York fans are. You got about 30 seconds to show him prove if not you're out. But I just think that Daniel Jones never had a good offensive line. He could run. He can run, but he can't. get to the goal line. Remember the seven-yard run or something he got? And he fell.

He fell down. From the 12, Jones kid to stay up. Can you imagine announcing that play? He's at the 50, the 45, the 40. He's going 30. He might go. No, he ain't going all the way. Look at this.

So just because I want to establish how often in real life you say your catchphrase, does it happen a lot? Mostly on stage. It's a word of excitement. It's a word to prevent me from musical fantasy. But when you get me on stage, you're going to get me on stage, you're going to get it eight times a minute. Thank God.

Ham Burger. I was going to say, you just did the game call of Daniel Jones as Alonzo. But what if it was, you know... Ham. Oh, he would have got to have at the end. It would have been hamburger. What just happened here? Hamburger.

I can't believe this. He tripped over the ground. And he has fallen. It's also like that's, that is the, to... to talk about what you were just saying. It is a very New York fan to go. He ran 70 yards. It's a great play.

Years ago, the Jets had, what, the butt fumble? Yeah, Mark Sanchez. He's the offensive coordinator. You've got a busted play here. And then Sanchez gets hit. The ball is loose and it's alive. I have never seen this before in my life. Watch this.

Vince Wilford is going to throw Brandon Moore back into his quarterback. He's going to fumble the football. Mark Sanchez not. expecting it, and it was the backside of Brandon Moore that knocked the ball out. So which one is worse? Which one would you take? The butt fumble branding is hard to be worse than. Yeah, butt fumble is worse, for sure, I think.

Daniel Johnson doesn't have a nickname for when he just sort of like steps on a rake that no one else sees, and then he collapses. Adrenaline should have taken him from that far. You get that far, man, you just dive. You don't, that's everybody's dream to get that far in the NFL. I mean, you ran 70 yards, and now you're going to just drop. That's embarrassing. Daniel Jones.

Who would wear his jersey after that? Daniel Jones found out. Who would wear his jersey after that? That's embarrassing. What kind of guy? What kind of is? Hamburger Moore. Daniel Jones.

I'm giving him NFL comeback player of the year this year. That's what I'm calling it right now. Daniel Jones, Michael Pittman, Jonathan Taylor. That's the Colts Big Three. They're back. They're back, baby. Can I ask about hamburger? Ask anything you want, man.

When it was the first time, it doesn't strike me as something that someone would plan before they get out on stage, but did you, or was it something you just happened to say on stage? You're like, oh, this kind of, this is fun. So we're going back to 1988 to start a comedy, and we'll jump forward to about 1990, whereas I'm starting to realize what comedy's all about,

and I'm realizing even somebody would say, who was on the show last night? I don't remember. and I said, I don't want to be someone in the crowd. I have to be different, separate myself. So one night I'm in a room with some guys from New York and they're trying to tell me who I am on stage. And they told me, I'm country.

And I said, I am not country. They said, yeah, everybody from Jersey's country. And it got a little ugly and it was about to get physical until they said, everybody in Jersey's country. So I said, I'll show you what country is. And I do my uncle, who's from North Carolina, and he says hamburger instead of cursing. Because they wanted me to wear it overalls and get a pig.

And I said, that's not me. So I came in a suit with the cowboy hat And I said, Hambergen Hamburgum So I said, that's it I'm not going to do that again So the next night everybody's like Yo, Texx, where's your hat? Where's your hat, Tex?

I said, I'm not wearing a cabbord. I'm like 26 at the time. It's a hip-hop era. Everybody's into a whole different look. I'm walking in with a cowboy hat And I stick out like a sore thumb down. That was my wish. But you'd be careful what you asked for.

So now I'm saying hamberger and it's becoming catchy and people like it and I'm like, okay, then they tell me you're going to tape television. I'm like, why do you say hamburger? Hmm. I say hamburger because I don't curse but I was cursing at the time.

So now I have to It didn't make sense. Retro, get a whole story for this phrase. So, you know, I grew up in the neighborhood, my mother was in church and so I grew up in Jersey. Yeah. Okay. Is there something wrong with that?

No, no, no. Okay, all right. Just a little country. Jersey's not country. But so. I disagree, hamburger. In my area, in my area, it's not country. But if you're going down in the South Jersey, yeah, you might get it there.

So now I have to realize I say Hamburger because I don't curse. So now all the profanity comes out to act, and I'm a clean comic now. And I'm saying, ham. Burger. Now I have to have my point of view. What is Hamburg about the things I don't like in life? At the time, I didn't, you know, I was a big R&B fan in the 70s. I didn't like the new music.

So now I'm talking about the music, the way the kids dress and this, that and the other, and it just stuck and it grew on and on. So now it's hound burger. Hamburger ain't going to have it. Hound burger, it don't make sense. And I'll just let you know, hound burger. The number of things that I want to just say aloud right now, I want to start with number one.

You are, in fact, currently, for those not watching on YouTube, wearing a black cowboy hat. Yes. And it's glorious. Thank you. The integration of the hat, that you kept from the country premise. Right. But really you became hamburger-centric.

Yes. Because that was really the distinguishing aspect. And the cleanliness of your language, you're saying you weren't a clean comment. No. Initially, no. Are you a guy who curses in life? No. So people ask me, do I have a filter?

How do I do it? You know, how do I go through every day? I just, I thought you had to go on stage and curse. I didn't curse. But when I started doing stand-up, I thought you had to curse to be a stand-up comic. Not realizing it's just about. being creative and being funny. So now, after the death jam thing,

I'm following guys and girls who are just cursing up the world. And now I've got to write my jokes a notch harder to compete with this because I'm not cursing. When did you realize that the number of things you could substitute hamburger for was apparently infinite? It just happened. It just happened because

and then people will come to me after a show or whatever and say, hamberger. I say this instead of this. I use your hamburger. when that happened, I was about to discipline my kids the other day, and instead I said, Ham, Burger. Somebody cut me off a road rage,

Ham Burger, my boss got, I didn't get fired thanks to you because I said, Ham Burger, and my boss just paused and said, what? You can't get in trouble. Worst thing that happened, somebody served you some food. That's the worst thing that happened. So you're good. Say hamperger.

So have you two ever been to a comedy show? Yes. I mean, so Michael is. I do stand up. I write for a TV show, The comedy show. When was the last time he did a show? The last time I did a show?

Was I there? A week ago maybe? Oh, no. You remember everyone on the show? No. See, that's my point. We're comics, and we can't tell you who was on the show with us. That's not good.

So people say, you did a show last night. Who was on the show? Ooh, I don't remember. So I said, you know what? I have to find a way to erase that problem. And that's when I started doing hamburger. So going back, I'm wearing a cowboy hat before a deaf comedy jam. And this is the hip hop era.

This is Showtime at Apollo. So people want to boo and heckle comedians. You try walking on stage with a cowboy hat. And people are like... I was going to say. Night after night, I had to fight. Had to fight for my life. Every night on stage.

And it's like, where's your horse? Hey, Roy Roger. And I'm sitting there every night. So it was a tour they had out. Laugh went out. I forgot the name of the tour, but they didn't want me on there because I wasn't hip-hoping them.

But all their comics went on stage and got booed off one night. I went on after them, crushed the crowd, demolished them, and they're like, yeah, we want you on the tour. So now I'm on the tour. It was a tour with some of the local comics, and they had comics from Living Color and other comics who was popular at that time hosting the show. So Mark Curry was the host.

We're in Boston. Everybody gets a boot off. And the promoter says, I'm not paying you guys. This sounds fucking terrifying. Right. But this is the norm back then. So I said, look, I said to myself, my phone bill is due.

I need this money. I said, I'm going out there and you're going to pay me. He said, We only had to do 10 minutes. He said, if you do 20 minutes, I'll give you double. I'm going to do it. So Mark Kerry said, I don't invite you to go out there. That's a brutal cry.

I said, bring me up there. So from the time I took the first step on stage, what the, get out of here with this hat. Oh, my God. Where's your horse? Five minutes later, I had them in the power of my hand, left with a stand ovation, got my money and kept my phone on.

Hey, I'm bird. So it was like that every night, night after night, people just didn't believe in me because I had a cowboy hat. So after I did the Deaf Comedy Jam segment, Russell Simmons comes running on stage after the show and grabs me. And he's frantic. I'm like, oh, what did I do wrong? That was brilliant.

That was great set of marking everything in my life. That was brilliant. I said, what? And I didn't catch on at the time, but he said, you know, that was great marking. And some of the greatest I've seen on stage. Something's like, what does he mean by that? And then little by little, it started to happen. I saw where people were saying, you are memorable.

You, we remember you. And now some people love it or some people hate it. I read some of the reviews where it's a hacky comic, this, that, and the other. But then people who've come to see me live and saw me in person say, this guy's funny. He's good. Well, that's what I want to tell you is that

admittedly, like when I discover you and the pitch from Michael is over the weekend, I discovered a comic who says the word hamburger instead of many normal words that you would say, I'm like, what the hamburger are you talking about? And then I'm like

going through your tape and like the deaf comedy. Like, when you get on stage, you're also like, I mean, dude, you're going at the audience. Happy Halloween, baby. You're on your feet. You are so quick. Take up my man here. Rico suave.

Y'all looking good out here at night here on Berger's y'all. So one guy said, you're a different dude with that mic in your hand. And I said, what? And then it clicked. But that night, there's a backstory to the death jam taping. So, Def Jam, I was a little upset because maybe two or three tapings, I'm not on the show. All my friends are taping, but I'm not being included in the episodes. So I say, what's wrong?

You know, what am I doing wrong? But finally, they put me on the show. Here I am, and the first guy goes up, Chris Tucker, Mr. Rush Hour. Shut. A new place, man. Hate my neighbors, man. I got neighbors that borrow shit all the time. You ever had a neighbor that borrow your?

your shit and keep it so long, you have to borrow it back. So he goes out and gets a stand ovation. So as a comic, you know, the show should go up and up. Yeah, yeah. The bar is sat high. Right. If the first guy gets a stand in a ovation. That's a tough act to follow.

Exactly. So the next guy goes up, he gets boot off. Never in the history of death jammed, anyone get booed off. And this is bound the time that Showtime at Apollo is the hype show. So people think that's how audience is to be. No, we're taping for HBO. we're doing a different thing. Booing is not here.

Heckling's not here. But this crowd happens to think we are going to boo. So the second guy is booed off. Now the next girl go on, they heckle her. She drops the mic and runs off stage. So now if you watch the show at the end of the show, they have these dancers that come on. But right there at that point, the dancers are on.

It's almost like an intermission. I don't know if they're changing, filming the cameras or what. But I'm backstage with Bernie Mac, who's going at it with Martin Lawrence saying, hey, you got to do something. This is not Showtime to Power. Let them know they can't boo.

Do so our careers online, Martin turns around and said, if you can't handle it, you shouldn't be here. And I was like, oh, wow. And now Bernie says to me, you're from New York, you do something. I said, Bernie, to be honest with you, I'm not from New York. I'm from Jersey. So we got a bigger problem. I'm paranoid now because I don't want to get booed.

Everybody else is getting booed. You know, after Chris Boo, boo, boo, and I'm like, I can't get booed. So what do I do? I go out there and mess with the audience. Look at it. Big Roundaway girl. Lightsman sitting on the bus stop sucking on pork, y'all. I'm telling you.

It's a time where I'm saying this is going to make it or break it. I'm just winging it and going at the audience and the jokes are working. I'm thinking I just crushed, just killed because I'm like, who else want to play? I ain't scared to you. Come on, who else want to play? I might as well drop the mic and walk off stage. Had of that.

And Bernie's on the same show, right? Bernie comes after me. Crazy show. Because Bernie, I think I remember that's that I'd heard about before where he's where he's like, I'm not scared of you, motherfucker. You got it. That's it. I ain't scared of you, mother fuckers.

I'm gonna tell you something straight off the mother fucking press. I ain't coming from no foolishness. And New York goddamn y'all, your own motherfuck women look good. You're like a big of an egg sandwich. You look good. Bernie goes on stage and takes the crowd and picks him up and throw them across the river. I said, in seven minutes, this guy demolished that audience. Had him in the palm of his hand from, I ain't scared of you.

Come on. And kick it. And the place went crazy. Never in the history of it. Def Jam, has anyone, he probably had one of the greatest and not these greatest sets ever in the history of Def Jam. And I think we had the greatest show ever on the history of Def Jam. And, you know, they came back years later and did the Def Jam DVDs and the Def Jam VHF's tapes,

which brought a second life to us. So how, burga, I'm back, and how burgle we've been kicking it ever since. And that's where I started feeling stupid, because when I go back and I see your legend, it originates from something that so many people, something of my first, friends knew you from. Really? Tell them I said hello, man. I appreciate that.

They're listening right now. Yeah, my too. Absolutely. And in that way, they remembered you because of all of the things you said about your origin story. So when you went out in all these shows where you're talking about you're going up against these hostile audiences, on Def Jam, for example, you open that with crowd work, right? Yes.

How often would you start doing crowd work? Because that can be doing stand-up. I know, like, if the crowd is hostile, it is nice to sometimes get into the crowd, because then they know that what's happening is spontaneous. They feel like it's real as opposed to, I wrote this script. I'm going to come out and say these lines. So if they boo you and knock you off your horse, so to speak, they could scare you out.

But if you engage with them right away, they feel. Did you just make that up and knocking off the horse? Yeah, I didn't mean to do it. I'm going to write that down, though. That's good. Just two pros. So my question is, how often were you doing crowd work, or did you only do it when you were walking into hell?

Well, it got to the point every night I was walking into hell. I can say hell. Hell's not a curse. I was going to ask. And because people sit there, no, that's appropriate. You're not H.E. Double Hockey sticks thing. So you watch Happy Days? Of course.

That's my favorite. Yeah, I'm elbowing jukeboxes and everything. Okay. We're going to get back to that. So imagine every night you walk on stage and people are heckling you. But then some nights they're not. So now I'm in the frame of mind that every night I'm coming for a lot. I'm coming for the audience first just to make sure

we know there's a new sheriff in town. We're not going to have this tonight. So it got to the point where people wouldn't even mess with me, but I'm just in the frame of mind that I'm going to have to the audience first. And it's been nice, innocent people. And I walk on stage and just tear up the audience for no reason. I'm like, you know what?

They didn't deserve that. So now I'm less brutal on the audience. Nobody's knocking me off my horse anymore. I got a saddle. I learned how to ride. It's good. It's good. Yeah.

But it's ahead of its time. I mean, look, a lot of what you're describing, right, the marketing strategy of like, I got to stick out and also, like, crowdwork. These are things that are very modern in the internet era now. A lot of this is stuff that is so, as a matter of just, like, a strategy.

I didn't have a manager, so I had to create my own marketing campaign. Where is this going? What's my plan? And I used to tell friends of mine, they were very physical on stage. This is cool now, you're in your 20s. But what's going to happen to hit 60?

You can't roll up and down. J.B. Smooth's a good friend of mine. And I used to tease him, like, You're very physical. When you're 60, you're not going to be able to slide across the stadium dive. Me, I'm 26, acting like an old man. And that was another thing because when I finished death jam, everybody thought I was 40, 50 years old. And I was 26, 28 at the time.

Don't laugh. Here's the thing that I said, really bother me. So after the show, girls walk up, oh, my God, you're so funny. And you're handsome. Are you single? And I'm like, hey, I'm, I'm single. My mother wants to meet you. I'm like, your mother.

So they go off and they bring, I'm like, oh, my God. So that was the negative part of it because everybody thought it was old. When I tried to get into some acting, they would cast me for roles that Sherman Hemsley from the Jefferson's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Moving on up. Right. But people in that age group, they would say, if Sherman turns this part down, it's for you. And I'm like, I'm not that old.

I'm 28. So it got to the point where I had to walk into a casting agent's office. and have someone call them and said, is anyone in your office right now? And so, yeah, how old is he? A young guy about 26, 28, that's hamburger. And they was like, no way. I'm like, hamburger, that's me.

So they would send me down to the casting office. I get scripts that were made for younger people. People just thought I was an older person, so it didn't work for me. Well, this is a lot about you so far kind of figuring out who am I on stage as the audience and the world and casting agents. are sort of responding and you're kind of adjusting

and remaking yourself based on that. But the era, and this is something that I underrated and I also didn't realize, the era of the catchphrase comic. Were you aware that there were catchphrase comics when you became Hamburg? So it's funny you said it because I had no clue, catchphrase comics.

Who was the catchphrase comics that you remember? I'm like Larry the Cable Guy. That may be a little later on. Get her done? I guess I should do this. Gator done. All those came after. But the guy who was, again, I'm learning about all of them,

finding out in real time as I'm like watching this stuff, Shucky Ducky. Shuckie Ducky, quack, quack. I tell you where Shuckie Ducky is this phrase that I created. It means disappointment or excitement. For example, instead of cursing when you stomp your toe, you say shucketucky. Now, if you see a fine girl or a guy, you like, you say, oh, shucketucket. Now, if you get the girl pregnant, you say, damn.

Don't you say shucketucky. Ducky. Because you didn't Shuck your Ducky too long. That's when you should have been you in your rubber ducky. Now your ass is a f***ie ducky.

And that's a good friend of mine. He came, I'm going to say, either the same time a little bit after, but he's from Dallas, Texas. And a lot of people, believe it or not, get us confused. But just to clarify for people who don't know Shucky Ducky, and they should now because, of course.

But Shucky Ducky, quack, quack. Had you ever sort of, like, bonded with him about catchphrase comedy? We've been on shows together and we tried to, I guess you don't know about SNL, Saturday Night Live? Yeah. They did the Kings of Catchphrase comedy. It's the original Kings of Catchphrase Comedy Tour. The four Kings of Catchphrase are back and they're going absolutely crazy.

And they did a spoof on myself, Shucky Ducky, Bernie Mac and others. And Keenan played me. Now, here's the scary part. I did Comic View. wore a purple suit with a tie. He had the same exact suit and tie. I don't know how they did that. And I held...

Shout out to the wardrobe department at the sound. They researched very well, and I don't know how they found a material fabric, whatever, but they reincarnated me. And he came out and said, Beef Jelly! With David Beef Jelly Winfield. So my buddy Jimmy said,

hey man, you want to go to the Wap House? And I looked at him and was like, Hey, and I ain't going to the house made from no wappas? Beef jelly. Beef jelly. And they're dusting off all your old favorite bits, like Eaton Dokey. You ever come home and catch your wife, Eden Doogie, talking about it. What put this dokey in my hand?

You did, you nasty-ass bitch. Beef jelly. And people say, were you offended? No. I go on there and everybody's treat me like I'm king. He's here, he's here, there he is. And I'm like, SNL knows me. Jay Farrell.

Yeah, all right. So Jay Farrell brings me on the show. and everybody's and the guy comes, I wrote the script. I said, no, I wrote and I was shaking my hand. I'm like, nice to meet. You're not mad, say, no, can I take a picture?

I'm like, yeah. But they would treat me the way I felt about them and it was an honor. I mean, here I am. And they did a part two, Kings of Catchphrase Comedy Part 2. So that was well. And then Jimmy Fallon on Tonight Show,

he and Jerry Seinfeld sitting there talking and he asked Jerry Seinfeld, did you ever have a catchphrase in a like hamburger? and Seinfeld said, no. He said, yeah, hamburger. And they start talking about me. I'm like, Seinfeld knows about me.

And then every now and then, Jimmy Fallow and do a skit and say hamburger. And then he did the 12 days of Christmas. Hamburger, hamburger. And I'm like, this is ridiculous. The legend lives on. Right. But people calling me and texting me like, yo, you're on this, you're on that. Different shows throughout, I'm on television.

Somebody would make a catchphrase. You know, I'm not saying on you, but hamburger. And I'm like, this is amazing. But no one calls me to do a hamburger commercial. No one calls me to be on the show. Drop, drop, hint, hint. But that's who should be saying, Hamburg.

Football is upon a Saturday college kickoffs. Sundays, of course, it's the pros. Surfside, ice teas and lemonade plus vodka. They got you covered. And it is not a seltzer. How dare you suggest that? It's surfside. It's 100 calories,

two grams of sugar, no bubbles. So just ask for surfside, wherever you stock up for tailgates or watch parties. or post-game hangs. You've got to be 21-plus, obviously. But please, please, drink responsibly. How have you not had a hamburger-related endorsement?

That's what I'm trying to figure out. And when I came off the stage and after Russell said, I was sitting by my phone and I said, any day now, someone's going to call me to do it. And I'm like, idiot. They don't have your phone number listed. So how are they going to call you? But I thought through some way, somehow,

I'm close to New York. Somebody's going to find me and say, We need you to endorse our hamburger. Just say hamber. Then they did a movie called Posse with Mary Van Peebles. It's a Western. I wasn't in it. I'm like, I don't have to go to a wardrobe or anything.

I just walk out there. I have my own hat. How are you going to make Western movies and not include Hamberg? Get out of bed and be right there. Exactly. So I don't need a script. I know what to say. I know how to say howdy.

Another country word. So let me have it. Hamberg. So you've been waiting because Deaf Comedy Jam was 92. Yes. You've been waiting 33 years for that phone call. Now you feel my pain, yeah. If this show does anything.

Yes. I want... Carl's Jr., people. What are hamburgers top five hamburgers? This is a great question. Top five hamburgers from hamburger himself. You don't get me in trouble now. Somebody can say, well, we wanted you, but you didn't pick...

You got McDonald's. Okay. This is in reverse order? McDonald's... I think it sounds like it's a no particular honor. No, no, we got to have a particular... You're a sports fan. You're wearing a...

Daniel Jones jersey. Okay, McDonald's number one. Wow, number one for McDonald's. Wendy's number two. Okay, the square burger. I'm not forgetting nobody. And then Burger King. Burger King.

And that's all we have in this area, right? That's it. Well, I mean, there's also like, you got shake shack. You got like, those are like the fast food places. What I've discovered, what I've discovered, is that, and this is startling to me, it doesn't sound like hamburger, likes hamburgers that much. I do, but that's only three I mean, White Castle was it, and

they're kind of... Is there still a White Castle in New York City? Yes. There is, where? There's like three where I live at in the area, but there's White Castle stuff. That was my go-to as a kid. I love those.

They used to be one in my neighborhood, but they tore it down. As of yesterday. Love esteemed hamburger. We were telling the kids how it used to be a nickel than a dime, and at Google, I think it's like $1.19 for a burger guy now at White Castle.

That's crazy. It can't cost more than a dime. Same size. Can't cost more than a dime to make that, Same size, but now it's $1.19. Wow. That's a lot.

What's your order of McDonald's? I get the quarter-pounder. Mm-hmm. Flay of fish. I love the flaya fish. See, wait. In the same visit, will you do quarter-pounder and flay-a-fish at once? In high school, yes.

Okay. A little surfing turf. I once set the record, I have five quarter-pounders in one sitting. That was the record. Hell yeah. Yes. I would do that same shit. I would go to McDonald's.

I'd be like, let me get four. Number two's supersized. Let's ride. So I was in the marching band. They used to tease me, but I always wanted to be the crazy guy who would challenge the football players. So we went total toast so he could eat the most. I ate five quarter pounds of quarter pounds. Hell yeah. You ate one and a quarter pounds of quarter pounds.

No, I ate five consecutive quarter pounds. No, but he's saying four quarter pounds of one pound. That's over a pound of hamburger. For the record, my first job, I worked at McDonald's. I was a chef. how was that job as an experience for you? Well, it was good because you got to work at the county, see the girls when they came in.

That was a good thing. And, you know, it was my first job, you learned discipline, and it was a lot of fun, you know, working at McDonald's. It was an honor because that was prestigious. Oh, I used to have birthday parties. Yeah.

You know, in like the basement of McDonald's, you get, that was growing up, I'm from Manhattan. Okay. Like, that's, yes. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, I grew up in Connecticut, but being in the ball,

A ball pet of McDonald's as a child was like being in heaven. It was like, it would be like going to Beyonce concert now. But, you know, I took a lot of pride in how to place the burgers on the bun, make sure I had the proper amount of onions. You're an artist. Yes, and serve them because. How, now, because I am a Big Mac loyalist. Okay.

I just had one two days ago. Two ball beef, fat, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, iron, and sesame bun. Yeah, absolutely. The sauce is perfect. It's a scientific instrument that I have found delivers every day. single time. Yeah. But now I'm looking back at the lineup for Def Comedy Jam, 92.

And you're telling me, and this is, this is, I want the madman theme music to rise under us. Okay. Outcomes Hamburger. Followed by. Bernie Mac. Bernie Mac. I ain't skinny.

And you're telling me between Hamburger Jones and Bernie Mac, there's not a big Mac and quarter pounder advertisement that McDonald's. Somebody missed. Somebody, somebody. What are we, somebody? What? What? What?

The fuck. Excuse me. No, no, no. I feel the same way, but I can't say it. Say it for me. What the hamburger? Hamburger. What the hellie? That's a missed opportunity. Yes. So hopefully someone in also Stets and hats, they should have called me by now. You're laughing, but I was mad because for years, I've been teased and laughed at for wearing a cowboy hat over 30 years.

Beyonce makes one song, comes out wearing a cowboy hat and the whole world wears. You were laughing at me last week, but now you're wearing it. Where can I get a cowboy hat? People, I want to be a cowboy, so they go out and get the boy. boots not knowing you can't wear cowboy boots for eight hours straight dancing and whatever and then try to walk back to your car, your feet hurt. Now you are a cowboy because you're limping and staggering, so hamburg. She gets you on tour with Beyonce. Beyonce's come up a couple times. I feel like she probably listens to the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got to get Hamburger, got to get Hamburger on stage. Maybe part of the Beehive, yeah. Can I ask the question about

comedy again? So you've been saying hamburger in your set since 1992, since before 92, since since 88 you said you started. But you started doing hamburger like in 1990, a couple of years later. About 90 and then by 92 I had perfected to a point I can take it on stage. Okay, so now you've been doing it for 30 plus years since then. True. Is there any party that's like, I'm locked into this hamburger shit? I wish I could stop doing this. But now I kind of, now people are like, people are coming to see that.

Have you made a prison for yourself? Yes and no. I've tried to stop it. I saw Chris Rock one day. I said, I'm ready to get rid of his hat. No, don't do it. I said, why not? He said, that's what makes you special.

Keep the hat. You'll be like everybody else. I said, you're right. So I kept the hat. One night, I showed up to a show without the hat. Promoter says he's not going to pay me without the hat. So it's to the point now I've branded myself to have to have the hat. So I'm a little nervous now to go on stage without the hat because I don't know how it works.

So this thing is like glued to my head mentally. So I'm going to keep wearing the hat. But you know what, okay, I don't mean to cut you off. Talk. I just wanted to say that because you're so, locked into the hat. You're so identified with the hat. You're so identified with saying hamburger. You could kind of do like a Clark Kent Superman situation. Yeah, yeah. Go to some city where they don't like know you as well. No hat, no hamburger and just do totally different stand-up.

You call yourself filet a fish. You go by filet fish. That's right. Oh, I say filet a fish? Like I said, filet-o. Doesn't seem the same way. Wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on. Feel it out. Yeah, you try. How does it? How does it? How does it? We might be honest. Phileo fish. It's like... Tortoise. It's like watching... It's like watching...

It's like watching... The reference that comes to mind no one is going to know. It's like watching James Galway pick up the flute. You know what I mean? Just like, what is he going to do with filet of fish?

And here I am trying to do it for him. Like, a idiot. Can you help Michael, fellow comedian, develop a catchphrase? Oh, yeah. Do you have any extra catchphrases lying around?

I just got one of my bag. Under your hat, I know, is a list of catchphrases. So I have to watch his act and see what he talks about, what's his background, and tied into that. Because it has to go into your act because it's not going to make sense when you say something that daffodils. And he doesn't talk about flowers or anything. He's an artist. He's not just cranking out. Yeah.

Nonsense. How would you describe your act, that hamburger conservative? I mean, I guess I do. If I talk about any sort of culture, it's probably being Filipino. I'm half Filipino. Pablo's full. So we're kind of arranged in order of how Filipino we are right now.

We're like a pound and a quarter of Filipino. Okay. We're five quarter pounders of Filipino right here. So you're Filipino. So I guess if I were going to shout a word, it would be a dobo or something? That maybe would be a catchphrase that... Yeah.

So far, I'm offended. So scratch it. You've been canceled already. Now that I'm saying this, I might try it. I might try just for one set. saying a dobo every time I would naturally swear. But you know, the painful part is watching a comic really try a catchphrase that doesn't work and it doesn't make sense.

It doesn't fit their act and they go up there and say something over and over me sitting there like, give it up, dude. It's not for you. And, you know, sometimes, and this is a secret, when comics are bombing, they're going to say, crazy, man, crazy, crazy, man, it's crazy. Have you ever seen that? Yeah, of course. And I watch comics and like, that's their catchphrase. It's crazy, man.

It's crazy. It's crazy. It's crazy. I'm like, no. Give it up. Just give it up. Catchphrase is not for everybody. I think I may have said this to you before, but it's like, ironically, like the word that

you won't say, the word fuck. Right. Is inflected and used in as many ways as you use the word hamburger. Right. It can be a noun. It can be an adjective. You take it and make it what you want. Right.

And so your comfort with inflecting it is what makes, to me, the whole thing work. Yeah. And look, the whole criticism underneath the SNL sketch, if you wanted to see it not as a comic who's supposed to laugh at himself and everything, but as a sensitive person, which it sounds like you did not react this way. No, I loved it. But the whole idea is this is hack.

Right, exactly. And how do you feel about that general criticism? I know that it's not hacked because it's funny. I'm funny. And once people see me live and in person, they have a whole different point of view of what hamburger is and hamburg is funny. because it's not just like I'm coming on the States. Hamburger. Hamburger.

There's jokes in between it. And sometimes you don't even catch the fact that I'm saying hamburger because it just slides in there. Yeah, you're saying it as if you would say a normal word. Right. But people, by the time they leave, they walk up to me after the server. Hamburger! Now I have the whole entire audience saying hamburger.

How did that happen? So I just left Canada. And I was shot because here's 200 people waiting in the line to shake my hand and say, Hamburger. I always want to meet you, Hey, I'm like, how did people overseas know about this thing? So it's a worldwide effect. It's unbelievable because the jokes have changed, but hamburger is the same. I mean, to that end, there are certainly, like on clips of this show where we talk about you,

there's definitely people in the comments being like, how is it possible that you have not heard of Alonzo Hamburger Jones? Where I work with a bunch of comedians, there's one comedian who, like, introduced me to you. It's a wide range of people who go all. all the way from, oh my God, I've seen everything he's ever done to wait. I can't wait to see it. Right. And it's, you have a way on stage that is like a very, like low key, but very joyful. I think that is fun to watch.

The vibes are good. It's never stopped. The sort of like virality of the clip we posted is part of, I mean, I'm now using hamburger for views. Absolutely. I mean, I'm definitely loosely saying hamburger in my life just from time to time. Just don't stand on stage. Yeah, okay. Has anyone.

tried to copy your literal same catchphrase. No, no one said hamburger, but one guy went on stage saying pork chop. And when he came off stage, you know, the comics was like, that's too close. Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of you. Get the fuck out of you. And I was like, really? I was like, really do?

Come on. So, and then early on, people were like, you know, Shucky Duckie Stokey. I said, Shucky Ducky and I, we never saw one another. So it's just a coincidence that two guys came through the same error. Right. with a, so that's about it. But can I shout out my Instagram or no? Of course.

Comed a hamburger on Instagram. Taped the Chappelle Show, but it never aired. Wait, what did you tape for a Chappelle show that never aired? So we did a skit. It was supposed to be Deaf Comedy Jam meets Deaf Poetry. Dave's going to be the host of the Deaf Chamb Beats Deaf Poetry. It was Joe Torrey, myself, Sam Moore, and Shucky Ducky, and Most Deaf. Most Def hosted, didn't he host

Death Poetry Jam? Did he? But he was on a skit with us. Okay. I thought he really hosted that show. But maybe I'm remembering. We made it to the bloopers of Dave Chappelle's show. And that's the one he comes on and said,

well, this skit, we're supposed to have hamburger come out and Shucky Ducky, but this didn't happen. Let me show you what I wanted to be. And he just shows itself playing a Bongo. And I was so happy, I'll like, tape Chappelle, tape Chappelle. But that's it. I just tape Chappelle. So it never aired. So somewhere out there.

There's a video of this deaf poetry meets deaf comedy jam And you're in it And I saved the phone call And they called me back because on my phone Oh really? That's great You still have it? Yeah

I don't know how much time we have it Oh we got time to play I love a saved voicemail You know that the episode that you shot We'll be airing next We'll keep you in mind We'll definitely keep in mind For good things

Thank you so much again for You know, joining us that one time And helping it make it again up in like season two what it has become. So, all right, take care now. We'll talk soon. Bye.

Well, end of message. When you hear that, you're anticipating what? So I'm anticipating that I am now about to go to a different level. First of all, I'm thinking about all the people in my neighborhood

are going to be like, oh my God, you're on Chappelle, you're on Chappelle. Really, I just want to kids in my neighborhood because they talk about the Chappelle show every day. So I'm like, they're going to be like, how did you get to go on a Chappelle show? Right, right.

And, you know, that would do a lot for your career. being a skit on the Chappelle show. And I got to play myself. So I'm thinking it's going to help launch me in the comedy clubs, launch me across the country, launched me across the world, but it never aired. That call sounds like he's trying to tell you, like, you're not, he's not saying it, but he's kind of telling you.

You got cut. You've been kind of out of the show. Yeah, just like it's different. So when you go on to the episode, you just weren't in it at all. So, which happens, by the way, like in, in the biz. Oh yeah, I've been cut out of several things. He was in severance, by the way.

I wasn't cut out of severance, but I basically was. But I also, like, I think I had a line maybe in the pilot of succession or something that got cut out. I had a scene in a different show. Like, I'm accustomed to that, but it sounds like your thing was more substantial. My lines were, I mean, even if I had been in the show, it's like I was cut out of the show. That's how small my parts were. But the feeling of like, I sat there for a whole day. We worked on all this shit.

Went to wardrobe. All these people. I respect and all this stuff and it ends up not airing. That sucks. Well, I was just happy because I still say in my resume, taped Chappelle's show. Yeah, hey. Did not say it aired, but I say I taped Chappelle.

And now you can say taped. Do you know what the name of the show is? There's two, yeah, you have two segments. Which one on my own? Am I right? Well, it's a... Investing. It's probably not going to...

It's probably not going to go on your resume now. Wow. I will. You have a large following. All my friends, like, yo, go on the show. Oh, no, no, no. The show is called Michael Cruz Kane Fines Out. Finds out.

Not Michael. It's called Pablo Torre finds out. That's the show that you're on. And currently, there are a lot of NBA fans who are expecting a development in a massive scandal in the league around Kauai Leonard and the Clippers and this fraudulent company.

And what they're going to get is the life in times of Alonzo Hamburger Jones. And so this is where I just I've got to jump in to very quickly say that I, of course, did text, Friend of Pablo Torre finds out, a previous guest on our show, Neil Brennan, who co-created and co-wrote Chappelle's show. And what I asked Neil was to remember the life and times of Alonso Hamburger Jones. Quote, do you remember a sketch from Chappelle's show that got cut at some point in the run that involved hamburger? parentheses, as in Alonzo Jones, close parentheses, question mark, end quote. And what Neil wrote back immediately was, quote, of course.

End quote. So I should explain this show at the very end of the episode to you. Like, we're a show that uses journalism. So you know what this show is. This is a show that uses journalism to solve mysteries and has been lately investigating a relatively large scandal involving the sixth or seventh the richest man in the world, Steve Bomber, the owner of the Clippers. Can I interrupt you just say one thing?

You may not know this. It's his show. I'm like, I'm on it sometimes. But you are like the guy who discovered me and turned me onto him. Yeah, that's right. I'm the conduit from you. Michael Cruz-Cain finds out was how I... But the funny thing, I don't know when it aired, but two people sent me a text saying,

they're saying your name, Hamburger. Look at this. Look at it. You got to, I'm like, inbox them, what? Just inbox them. So I did it, but thank you. man, it's amazing, it's a great thing, but hamburger will go on forever. But like I said, I write new jokes daily.

You know, I often say the folks in Beverly Hills, those big, big shot comedians, they don't know what's going on in the world today. They don't interact with normal people. But for myself, I happen to talk to people every day so I can take the stuff that I hear normally and just bring it on stage and people, like, how do you know about that? That's the latest slang. Where do you know about that? You're too old?

No, I'm still living. I'm in Jersey. I know everybody. Yeah. Hamburger Jones finds out. There you go. That's right. At the end of every show, Apollettori finds out.

We go around the table. Katie Nolan, who usually sits in your seat. So Katie, she's together. Yeah. I like the chair. Katie, we're sorry that you're not here, but Hamburger needed the chair. Yeah, we just, there wasn't room. And Hamburger, I think, is going to actually enjoy potentially how we end the show, which Katie never does.

Because I go around and say, what did we all find out today? Yeah. So Michael, do you want to start off with what we found out? Sure. I found out that people would accuse Jersey of being country, which is the thing I've never heard in my entire. The word country I've never heard associated with Jersey before, but that was just a different era, I guess. Spoken like a true person who's from Connecticut. Yeah, that's right.

It's Connecticut country? People from Connecticut do not think of themselves as country. They think of them as country. We have country houses, but not country. So do people living in the country house are not country? country. I don't think they would say so. They would think of themselves as... Don't compare yourself to New York. You can't compete in the love of God. Hamburger, what did you find out today? That amount as popular as I thought I was. There's two guys... That's your takeaway?

There's two guys who didn't know me. Oh, gosh. We're in the hamburger renaissance. We're in the burger... We're now in the hamburger cinematic universe. We don't know very much. You know what I mean? So I don't take our ignorance as a personal slight. But I found out today. Yes. What did you find out? Is that hamburger is a great hang. Legitimately. And also, deep down, you just want to enjoy a flay of fish. There you go, with some tartar.

And cheese. That's it. That's what life is all about, man. All these wars and people carrying on, just everybody sit down and have a hamburger or a flay of fish. Never solve all the problem. We ended on a life lesson. Yeah. We can go to Ukraine right now and put a hamburger in a flay.

And solve all the world problems right there. Inflation. Come on, just eat a hamburger. Zelensky, if you're listening. Yeah, that's all you need. If Zelensky, Beyonce, and McDonald's are listening. This is not a turn I expected this show to take. And Bernie Mac.

Yeah. Yes. Rest in peace. Definitely. The Big Mac. That's good. The Big Mac. The biggest.

The biggest Mac. The biggest Mac of all. Thank you for your time. No, thank you for having me, man. pleasure. Hamburger. Hamburger. Or, as I say,

adobe. Oh, God. A dobo. Practice that. Don't see. No, I think it sounds good. A dobo. Uh, no.

Oh, boy. My wife was late to pick up the kids today. A dobo. Does it sound? It sounds like you don't give me any competition. Pablo Torre finds out is produced by Walter Avaroma, Maxwell Carney, Ryan Cortez, Juan Galindo, Patrick Kim, Neely Lohman, Rob McCray, Matt Sullivan, Claire Taylor, and Chris Tumenello.

Our studio engineering by RG Systems, sound design by Andrew Bersick and NGW Post, theme song, as always, by John Bravo, and we will talk to you next time.