Pablo Torre Finds Out - Share & Krang & Tell with Michael Cruz Kayne and Katie Nolan

Episode Date: September 25, 2026

How did the trans-athlete debate rear its oligarchic head in Donald Trump Jr.'s wedding? What messes up young athletes more: private equity... or being on a Kardashian reality show? And are you the maestro of your own body? Plus: non-suntans, Harambe and how to win a Poo-litzer.• Subscribe to "But Also" with Michael Cruz Kayne• Subscribe to "Casuals" with Katie NolanFurther content:• "Donald Trump Jr.'s Bahamas Wedding Was Secretly Bankrolled by Russian Oligarch Close to Putin" (ProPublica)• "Kim Kardashian's Team Moms highlights the ridiculous excess of the US youth-sports industry" (The Guardian)• "The Pay-to-Play Childhood" (New York)• Previously on PTFO: The Harambe Tapes, Revealed Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to Pablo Torre finds out. I am Pablo Torre, and today we're going to find out what this sound is. No matter what happens today, Michael, you are not going to throw up. Your butt might throw up, but your face won't. Right after this. Happy birthday. Thank you. To you. To you. Just turned the big two-four. Delated. Thank you. Yeah.

I said thank you. You did. You're welcome. And happy birthday to you. Early happy birthday to you. Yes. That's this weekend. That's right. Whoa. That's right. Big fun time.

Early happy birthday to you, Pablo Torre. I thank both of you. And happy birthday to you whenever your birthday is. January 28th, we're not close. J28. J-2-8. J-6. That's your favorite day.

Right, and then my birthday is January 28th. A few weeks later. You will be insurrecting your roof again. That's right. Yeah, I'm going up there and I'm saying, where's Pelosi? She's not there. But I'll find her.

You used to do fake tans. Me? Yeah, didn't you? Mm-mm. Who the fuck's he talking to? I'm sorry. Let's cut that. I've never, I'm afraid it's going to look orange.

Sorry, fake tanning versus tanning booth. I called both of them. I used to go in a tanning bed. As a Filipino-American. Sure. My dog. Was that? BOW.

Anything. All non-sun tans are fake. Okay, yeah. When I was in high school, I was going to the tanning bed still. That was like, you know, for prom. You're putting on the little goggles. Little goggles for eye protection. A little, a sticker you'd put right here so that when you got your,

tan you'd peel off the sticker and then oh look you've got a little playboy bunny on your it's i don't know why wait it was a bunny yeah you would get you buy a little sticker and you'd put it on your somewhere on your body oh it was it was ornamental yes of course i thought it was to tell the difference between how much darker you'd gotten yeah it also was that and we're in the i never did a tanning bed i don't are you there was some that are you fully clothed no yes yeah yeah go in that sun protection let's get a little more specific fully naked is what i meant that high school can Katie. In a, sometimes you'd lay down, but then the laydown ones were weird because, why are we

talking about this? The laydown ones were weird, you get a weird tan line around your, you don't think about this, and I'm really sorry, but we, your second time you realize you have to sort of spread them when you lay down. Otherwise, otherwise your butt cheeks will, there'll be a tan line in your butt cheeks. Right. And so you sort of, and then I hated doing that. I didn't like the way that felt. So then I would, I started to do the stand up ones where you put your hands in the little stirups like you're at the reverse gynaecologist. Oh, you're Ronko? You're Ronco rotissory chicken egg?

Exactly. You just set it and forget it. And then there you stand. I love the idea of reverse gynaecologist. Yeah. So that's what we used to do. But now I think those things are illegal. I don't think anyone's operating. Probably still on Long Island. Because those are just like cancer machines. You're just cooking. Yeah. It's not. It's like UV

right in your face. UV getting cancer. That's right. UV40. Red, Red, Red wine. What are we going to talk about today, Pablo? This is it, baby. This is the pot. You already doing it. If you've ever woken up tired and sore, and let's be honest, who hasn't, this one is for you. There are few things that set you up for success like a good night's sleep. And the best way to ensure a good night's sleep is with a mattress that fits your needs.

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Helixleep.com slash Ptfo. I actually wanted to go to the beach in a story about Donald Trump Jr. Oh, man. Did you guys read this one? DJT. You guys read any of this one? I know a little bit about it. I didn't check my DJT newsletter this week.

This is the wedding? This is the wedding. So ProPublica, which is a nonprofit journalistic outfit that does incredible work. They just did this thing about Susan Collins in which they got a check, that exposed corruption. Allegedly, I guess I got to say, although the reporting is pretty conclusive, I would say. They've been killing it. And the story they did before that that popped into my feed was interesting to me on a couple of levels. One level is that it involves wedding planning.

The other level we can get to. But the whole story involves a guy named Umar Kremlev. Is it ethnically insensitive to say that sounds like a villain? If it is, cut that out. He is a Russian oligarch. It's the Krem. Crem is where it got me. The Crem is a bit.

It's a little too on the nose. A little obvious. But very easy to remember. Crem Lev, Kremlin, Putin, oligarch, allied guy. Maybe that's why it sounds familiar to me, but it does sound familiar to me. I feel as though I've run into this name before. You can want to hold that thought. Okay.

As we transport ourselves to the Caribbean. Oh, I love that. Not where Katie got her town. Very different. Very different. Oh, look beautiful. A thousand likes. So a big part of investigative reporting these days, and I can attest to this because you guys have experienced me attesting to this, I guess,

is that you go on Instagram accounts and you just scroll for a while. Sick. I do that anyway, so I'm an investigative reporter, basically. People are just incriminating themselves on Instagram. Is that what you're saying? They're leaving behind clues that perhaps they forget or they assume no one's going to piece this all together. but it turns out that in this photograph with a bunch of likes on it from this is an Instagram gallery posted by a friend of Don Jr.'s bride. Okay.

So think of the levels, we all do this, right? You're falling into clicking on bold-faced names and then figuring out who's commenting, who's liking. You get eventually to a friend of Bettina Anderson, now Don Jr.'s wife. and you get to looking through the roster here. And the issue that the reporters are public effaced was that they'd heard a rumor that Umar Kremlev, who sounds villainous and may well be according to the reporting

in various legitimate ways, had been in attendance at this wedding, which I just got to stop to say, should be just on its face, if true, a big deal. Big if true. Because of the whole thing of him being allied with Vladimir Putin and this being Donald Trump Jr. But they had to find proof.

And so they were scrolling and zooming and scrolling and zooming. And hence. And they found a bald head. Oh. And he's not prominent. Look how stupid Don Jr.'s face isn't that picture? Let's talk about Don Jr. first.

For people who can't see this photograph. I would say it looks like a suck-in. It's a suck-in of the stomach. And it also looks like he's going. What? What is? What? And then they took the picture.

It looks like he's in the middle of saying something that's like, who? Yeah. I bet you don't even know to use that thing. What? That's the face he's making. You know, it's the sound I'm making is the face he's making. Close your eyes. That's it.

A friend of the bride was like, you know what? I'm going to make sure I look great. The groom, though, is going to look like the dictionary definition of derp. Is that Tiffany? Is Tiffany flanking the bride on the other side? That's right. And you never see Tiffany Trump just like doing it. Anything.

So. I didn't know there'd be an invite. Good for her question mark? I don't know. Sure. Maybe fine. But then in the back, you're seeing, so it's basically two rows of people, the front row with the bride, the groom, Tiff, and then the second row behind them of taller people.

And then there is not really a third row except for one, maybe two guys. And you're seeing just the top of a bald head. And that, you're saying, is a very important bald head. That's Umar Kremov. That is the bald gleaming head of Umar Kremlef. He's in the picture in a way that you're either trying to not be in the picture or trying to be in the picture, but he's not in the picture. Right. And I think this is a really important sort of metaphor for what happened here, because you kind of want to allegedly contribute hundreds of thousands of dollars to Don Jr's wedding weekend.

But you also don't want to be, I guess, caught unless you don't want to be, I guess, caught unless you don't. do want to poke your head above, like if you wanted to hide. You just go to the bathroom. Just don't be there. Yes. But the way that he's in this picture is kind of like, have you ever told somebody, hey, I'm sick and I can't come to your thing? But then you go to a different thing.

And at the different thing, they take a picture. Everybody get in the picture. You don't want people to know you're trying to not be in the picture. So you get in the picture, but just what's about to be taken. You don't stand up for yourself. You don't go, hey, I don't think anyone can see me. Exactly. If the camera can't see you, you're like, that's what I want.

I want the camera not to see me. That's what he's doing. Seems like. Oh, he was doing the, if I don't move, they can't see me. Yeah. Treating us like a bear? Jay Park again. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So anyhow, Don Jr., secret benefactor, as the arrow helpfully points out, thanks to ProPublica, the controversy that followed, once it was reported in public, you got to understand what happened when they went to Don Jr. and Bettina Anderson for comment. Because in a statement, Bettina Anderson stated that Kremlev did not pay for her wedding. I have heard this part. I love this part. What did he do instead, according to Patina Anderson, Michael? I think it was that he paid for like an after party, basically, right?

He paid for the days of festivities afterwards. It's very much like we didn't get a bribe for that. Batita claimed that those events were part of an already planned trip that initially had nothing to do with her wedding to Don Jr. And that the couple decided later to tack their wedding on to the wedding. the front of the trip, as all of us have experience doing. Yeah, and she's, and she's, like, pretty upset about it. She's like, there's never any contrition in any of this from this particular group of people. I will point out, the ceremony was on a Friday, and in fairness to Umar Kremlev and Bettina

Anderson, no Russians there. Sponsored entirely by Chick-fil-A. Allegedly. But the first dance. No, what? No. That was paid for by Umar Kremlin. No, what? Sorry, what?

What? How do you have your first dance not at your wedding? Did they not have a reception? Did they not touch each other or dance during their wedding? Because otherwise, any dancing that happened right after getting married counts as your first dance. Well, these are the constitutional questions. Our Republic has to grapple. Huh.

Did ProPublica get into this, what we're talking about right now? That must have. If I know them. Very importantly noted that Bettina Anderson wore her wedding dress. Oh my God. Then that's, to me, that's still part of your wedding. Well, I also feel like if you're taking funding, which I have many questions, and this isn't the first of them, it's just the one we're running into first. If you're taking secret, creepy funding for your maybe wedding or the things around your wedding, you're wearing the same dress?

Use that money to buy yourself a bunch of different dresses. I have poor friends who are doing costume changes at their weddings. That have worn two. Dress for the ceremony, dress for the party. Yeah. And now you're wearing the same dress at both weeks. The next day? I mean, honestly, I think that's feminist.

I think that's trailblazing. Sure. I think it's beautiful, but it doesn't track. Yeah, yeah. But if the money is coming from a weird associated with oligarch, why would you possibly just be cost-cutting and wearing the same dress twice? Well, what did the money go towards? What ProPublica reports is that, per these records, they reviewed,

Kremlinnev footed the bill for hundreds of thousands of dollars of wedding expenses. But in particular, they also, per three people, familiar with the event, had the money go towards renting one of the private islands where a reception was held and where guests were left. Sure, yeah, that'll run you up pretty quickly. He also covered other big ticket items like the fireworks show, which his team helped plan. Which was actually just a bomb. They bombed a nearby island. Allegedly. I was just joking. It was actually just a joke. Is there a word you say after joke?

Tee-he. J-K. J-K. J-K. J-K. Yeah, I love the idea. If you're at that level of wealth, you're like, I love private islands. That's something there's no stigma around private islands these days. So let's do one of those. And then lots of blowing up. Let me get a Russian oligarch, a private island and a bunch of stuff blowing up.

And that, to me, is a wedding. Wedding. Love. That says love forever. I do like, now that you mention it, Michael, that this administration has experienced the whole Epstein thing. And they were like, at some point afterwards, we're going to do rent private island for our wedding and also my sister. and her husband, Jared Kushner, we're going to buy a private island. We just happened upon it in our boat once. It was such a romantic little place,

and then we bought it. What? We love it. What? It means a lot to us. Okay. So you might wonder what President Trump has to say about all of this,

and his view... Wasn't there, right? He was not at the wedding. I didn't see him in the photo. Right, me neither. Did not see him in the photo. In any of the rows, back or front. Which feels, I think, consistent

with my understanding of the family dynamics. But last week, President Trump said that Don Jr. intended to pay Kremlin back for the wedding? Hmm. Even though the gift was, pray the president, quote, totally allowed. That's classic, classic Trump. By what? Totally allowed by what, I guess is my question.

What does he mean by that? Whatever is left of the norms that govern our country. He had never heard of it before. He just, the guy does not know one. thing. Which is an ideal. Eric Trump. Love that guy. Eric had said he had no idea who

Umar Kremlin was. I never met him, all that stuff. Mm-hmm. Which is fun. And this brings us to perhaps one very key detail about where the money was actually routed through. Because Umar Kremlev, Katie, might be ringing a bell faintly in your brain. Here we go.

Not just because you are generally aware of the politics of our country. But you dated Umar Kreblov for five months. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. He was a guest on garbage time. Oh, no, you'll be shocked how often this happens, where I go, really? Bad guy?

Umar? Umar. No, really, what's he from? It's something, right? It's something sports. So the thing that they routed the money through was, and I want to get this correct, an IBA affiliated entity in Dubai. And what is the IBA, you ask?

International. Check. Boxing is. Association. Yes. Yeah. Which happens to be a scandal-plagued sports group that has been financed by the Russian state-owned energy giant gas prom.

But also, might be familiar to you from the time everybody got mad during the Olympics about the whole alleged trans boxer thing. Amman Khalif. Amman Khalif. And they'd rather you say it, because I know you'll say it perfectly correct. But I do believe it was that this body, the IBA, has been like fully, using not cool practices. They were like not above board,

but they insisted on saying that she was transgender. And that was not the case. And they'd been like stripped of their ability to, you say it, forget it. I'm just realizing I don't know enough of the details. A lot of our understanding of the details has actually filtered through

what the IBA wanted us to know. Because China's Yang Lu was defeated by Amman Kalef in the gold medal match in Paris in 2024. And there was a press conference. In Paris, that was, this is probably the only way I can describe it,

truly insane. Yes, my family, more sister, but I will be here. Was that Omar in the back? That giant Zordon from Power Rangers' ass head.

I like that he only shows up behind other people. He's like, you can only see half of my face. He's disembodied. I don't want to be in the press conference, but I'll be in the press conference, you know? That is the president of the IBA,

Umar Kremlev, the International Boxing Association, the governing body for amateur and professional boxing until 2023, when the IOC stripped it of its jurisdiction after a series of governance issues and judging scandals. But none of this prevented that gleaming head, which would be cleaner shaven in the photo behind Don Jr., from attending the Paris Olympics

and leading this press conference in front of a background over Zoom, Michael, which I'd like you to describe for people who are not watching. Well, there's two gentlemen in the foreground who are at the press conference. Looks like Chris Robertson, Gabrielle, J. Gabriel Martelli. And then on a giant screen behind them is the looming, I would say, meathead of Umar Kremlov, who is, in the background looks to have some kind of like Christian iconography on his shelves. Yes. And I do, because I've never seen this man's body, I now am starting to wonder if it's just a head.

unlike kind of a robotic crab that just sort of like scuttles from right to left and spouts transphobia in Russian. A transphobic crang. Yes, if you will. Exactly. It sort of looks like, you know, the new trend on TikTok of like,

I will superimpose myself on the green screen of a video that's happening behind me and a lot of times they don't even add any commentary. It's just like a little head, like nodding along to whatever's happening in the video. That's sort of what this looks like. These two guys at the actual press conference look like they're about to comment on

whatever the TikTok is behind them. But no, this is a real press conference that happened. And again, you're wondering what he sounds like in English. We do have a helpful translation, thanks to Sky News, from this same event. Today, unfortunately, we are witnessing the failure, the death of women, female boxing. That's right.

It's the death of female boxing because of these two boxers that, according to the IBA, have declared to be people who have failed their gender testing. I thought that it came out that the gender testing that the IBA was using was disputed and not sanctioned in a way. They were doing, the IBA was doing chromosomal testing and banning anybody with X, Y, chromosomes for competing as women. The Olympics and the IOC, this is part of the actual scientific sort of tension here. I consistently indicated that in boxing,

it relies on the athlete's passport rather than any sort of genetic, hormonal chromosomal test to determine gender classification. The whole point, though, I think is important to understand, because what this guy is in terms of how he determines a scientific testing regimen for the genitals of female athletes is also important to understand in the context of his ongoing relationship with Vladimir Putin, who are working together to use boxing to extend Russia's soft power. And so in that presser, as everyone's trying to make sense of like, so wait, do they have a point? Is there science here? What is this? What you got was 19 straight minutes in which Umar Kremlin

pontificated about the corruption of the IOC and the president of the Olympics, Thomas Bach. But the point is, all of this is sort of embroiled in, I would say, one of the most classically corrupt institutions that exist on the planet that is using sports for ends that are familiar, I suppose, to people who are following how sports are used now in America. Thomas Buck is like a rat that fled a sinking ship because the International Olympic Committee was sinking back then and is still sinking. And the Olympic movement has its charter that stipulates all the values, and that is what they have to stand for and defend.

And it is clearly stipulated there that female sports is for women, male sports is for men. Talk to me about this interviewer. Please paint the picture. Well, they are wearing a vest and under the vest a button-down shirt that has only the buttons behind the vest buttons are buttons. So far as we know, those might not even be buttons. You're right, you're right.

The rest of the shirt wide open and then I can't tell because of the placement of the mic, but it does look like a big chain with some sort of a piece hanging from it. A statement necklace. Yes, exactly. And then blue-tinted sunglasses. Yeah, matching the vest.

Which matches the blue of the vest, white shirt, blue vest, black pants, bottom button of the vest undone, I guess if we need all the details. And then the hair is like a long, flowing, gray, salt and peppery shag. Kind of looks like if the dad from the OC was now a retired magician. Wow, interesting. I was going to say, looks like a keyboard player from a European 80s band, is what I was going to say. And those are both pretty accurate, I would say.

Also, unfortunately, Umar does have legs. It's much less fun to find out in this side. that he has a full human body. But also wearing the same color shirt and pants. Yes. So it is kind of like a... Union suit? Yeah.

I like to imagine that it's a union suit. Right. He has like a flap for the butt. Sure, yeah. Of course. Poopin with your pants fully on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is great.

I love this. I'm having fun. So, of course, because of the invasiveness of all of these testing procedures, we don't actually know whatever those tests were. You got to apparently trust the word of the guy in the alleged union suit on the right, Umar Kremlin, who is again a Putin-alli-Oligarch.

But Imman Kalef, what she says for herself, is that she is a woman. She says, I'm a woman, have always been a woman, I want to live my life, please do not exploit me in your political agendas. But at the same time, she naturally possesses the SRY gene, which is typically but not exclusively found on the XY chromosome. And she apparently told La Kip, the French outlet and CNN, that she has naturally high testosterone levels

that are monitored and treated by a doctor. Quote, I was born like this, of course, I have hormonal differences, but I decreased my testosterone levels based on my doctor's recommendation. And then she goes on to deny any hormonal advantage in her wins, which gets us to a competitive advantage science debate.

But this speaks to the whole thing about how castorcemania, not trans, but intersects, and how there is this whole thing along the spectrum of genetic and hormonal differences that we can discuss scientifically, but all of this is getting labeled as your trans and your bad, and were grafting the politically useful culture war

onto complex scientific debates. Meanwhile, Don Jr., wire the hangout. That was a question that was asked. He met Umar Kremlev through their good old-fashioned love of hunting. And there are a lot of very clearly posed photos of Don Jr., yes, in front of all sorts of dead animals holding his guys. I love that. Well, I have those framed in my home.

Yeah, I send away and have them autographed. Yes, beautiful. and he does it, and he does it. He's so charitable. Don Jr., who spokesperson, also denied that the two men have a business relationship. Oh, well, then it's in case closed. Yeah. We don't have any relationship. He just gave me several hundred thousand dollars for my wedding weekend.

The day after. Not my wedding. They're just friends. Just buddies. Even though Don Jr. participated in an IBA panel in Istanbul about a year ago. This was months before his wedding. I'd be a huge douchebag. Up top.

Yes. At that same panel, naturally, as you might imagine, Don Jr. criticized trans women in sports. And also the IBA said in a press release that, quote, President Kremlev and Donald Trump Jr. made it clear, this alliance will not remain symbolic. More joint initiatives will follow. We're going to kiss soon. I promise.

That would be, honestly, that would be wonderful. Can I, is it clear by my body language? I am at capacity for stories where it's like, hey, pretty clear what's happening here? No. Like, I need there to start being some sort of, sort of, and because of this, we're now going to start doing this. I can't take any more of this, like, seems pretty obvious, huh?

I got bad news for you, Katie. So just to recap, though, the people who are on the side of the culture war aisle around the trans issue, talking about athletes who, according to the evidence available to us, are not trans, but are being treated all the time as if they are. By which we mean badly. Truly, insanely, and badly. when you ask the question of like, why are we always talking about this stupid debate

that is not urgent but is treated as if it is? In part, it's because the Kremlin wants you to. Fun one, Pablo, thanks. Really cool stuff. Really, really cool. That was nice. I thought that was a nice story. Yeah.

I am... I'm a smile file. So the other story that I brought you guys today. What do you got? Oh, yeah. Serve it up. Yum, yum. Is it UNC?

Do you think it's going to be? Oh, man. Because that did... I can't even do that. No, okay, sorry, sorry, sorry. I shouldn't guess. But I should acknowledge that, like, Michael Lombardi, GM of North Carolina has gone.

He resigned. Steve Belichick out. Steve Belichick out. Lombardi back on substack. And now here's my question. How did he connect his typewriter to the internet? He was... Remember that?

So I'm just working on my to-do list, but I do it on the typewriter because it forces me to slow down. I have to think about what I want to write about, and the typewriter gives you that rhythm that you need to be able to slow your mind down and think. You're going to make mistakes, right? And on a computer, you can delete the mistake. But sometimes the mistakes that you deleted have really powerful messages in. And now he's got free and paid tiers on his substack for the Mike Lombardi Insight we're all clamoring for. I pay $4,000 a year to be a member of that.

But speaking of parents and children and sports, as we contemplate Bill Belichick and Steve Belichick, who's gone as defensive coordinator, I do swing it back around. Well, can we talk about the fact that you're a sports dad? Of course we can. I'd love to talk about that. You're not playing around.

You're talking about how expensive it is to be a sports dad in this era. I'm talking about how at this moment, there is a conversation which is rightful and important about how expensive it is and how private equity is eating all of youth sports. And at the same time, there is a new show on Paramount Plus called Team Moms, Colon Baseball. Yes. Starring? Kim Kardashian.

Well, is she in it or is she just running it? She's executive producing. Yeah. Is one of her kids playing baseball? I don't think. Well, not her kids, I should say. But, okay. This is where I should admit how this show works.

Yeah, what's that? I watched none of this. Yeah. Ryan Cortez, our producer, we got him advanced copies, and he wanted to. watched all of it. Really? Well, the first, how many,

how many episodes, Cortez? It communicates with me like on Ghost Writer. As Michael Lombardi might appreciate. Yeah, yeah. He saw the first four.

Damn! Okay, Cortez, I want to know how it is because, listen, please hear me. The world of reality TV and the exploitation of all the blah,

blah, blah, blah. It's all bad. It's all a nightmare. Everything going on and you sports seems like a nightmare. But in a world that is this, don't we deserve? a reality show where you see how nutso these parents can get when it comes to watching their kids play,

it's clearly rife with drama and intrigue produced by somebody who has been a mainstay in reality TV. A maistre of the form. I believe it to be garbage. Of course. I'm not saying this thing should win Emmys, but I was kind of excited to at least have a little bit of sports reality show trashiness to watch. So Cortez, is it good? Is it what I'm hoping for? What Cortez says, quote,

show sucks, dude. I was worried about that. It doesn't have the juice. It's out this week. Well, it feels like in order for a reality show to be good, especially if it's going to feature a lot of kids, you're going to have to traumatize them. It's sort of required to traumatize the kids

to make for good television. And now, foolishly, I thought, because it's team moms, I thought they would barely, I almost just said, barely touch the kids. I felt like they would... Proceed, it's a little private island talk.

They'd put them on an island, and they would not even touch them. No, I felt like it would be mostly... It's like dance moms, which I guess they did show the kids on dance moms. Kids are all over dance moms. Yeah, and they got famous from it, and now they're old, and I'm like, wow.

But even even my daughter, is a huge dance moms fan. So she's watching dance moms. I guess she's stopped, but I used to just come home and she's like had been watching dance moms. Because those ladies are... Yeah, and also because I'm a great dad.

Because I'm a great dad, my daughter's at home watching 79 straight episodes of dance moms. That's right. But the kids on that show are having a tough time. Yes. And so I can only imagine

that on team moms, the kids are also going to be bookmarking this unknowingly to check in with their therapists in 20 years. and be like my mom did this horrible thing. Good point.

Right. At this point, I probably should show you guys the trailer. Scott Stale is my happy place. But you definitely have parents that are insane. Because our sons love baseball. What the fuck was not? Baseball and Scott Stale go hand in hand. Legendary Prep Academy is a high-performance baseball academy.

He's going to the MLB for sure. I have high confidence. I'm not going to kill his dream. We are here for the love of the game. At LPA, games are intense. The parents can also be very intense. I love everybody. Tell your .

You don't even know what's about to come. This boy was telling everyone that I was on Only fans. Wow. They call her nipples. We're not an easy group to come into. I don't want to be the hot mom at LPA. I just want to be the mom. I don't think that Trish and Nina can be for.

I'm loud and I can be obnoxious. Takea! I saw a kid that bullied my child, and I called him a little bitch. Hey. Okay, now that I'm fine with. Thank you. I'm good with that.

With a little Von Dutch. Someone starts beating up on your kid, and all rules are off. Do whatever you want. I did like, did the one mom say, I don't want to be the hot mom? Is that what she said? Yeah.

I love that. Did you take issue with the fact that she was pretty hot? It just seems very funny to be like, I do not want people thinking of me as the mom with like a perfect body and like great teeth. to me. I had this, I had no, this was not in the plans, not in the cards. I just happened upon my lip-flip.

Do not on the internet. Call me Hot Mom. I swear. I will be furious. Are they calling me that? Are they calling me? Show me people are saying. Also, it's just, it's MLB. It's not the MLB. You're not going to be a baseball mom. It's MLB. Sorry. Sorry. No, that's going to be a nightmare for those boys. Those boys are going to be permanently messed up by the show for sure. They already seem a little. A little... Sure, sure, sure. A little bit messed up by them being their parents

in the first place. According to Brian Cortez, the only drama on the show, really, is that one of the boys' moms teaches all of them Pilates, and a boy in the group tells the group that Pilates' mom

has an only fan that he watches all the time. Oh, why would you see? Oh, my God, oh my God. How old is the boy? 13 and 14. Ah! Why?

You can't... Isn't, I'm sorry, I'm an old lady. Every part of that is so wrong. Isn't that age restricted? Isn't OnlyFans age restricted? I'm sure there's a way to do whatever. We should say the mom denies being on OnlyFans. Right, and just like the other one denies being Hot Mom.

Yeah, exactly. Are they saying that I'm on OnlyFans and putting my handle on there and making it easy to subscribe to my only fans? They better not do that. They better not talk about the deals I'm running on Onlyfans. They better to talk about how new content drops every Thursday. I swear to God, if they talk about how I'm doing Feed Fridays, I will be furious. Edit that out, keep it in. Wait.

It's, we're cooked, right? As a society, it's just done. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's cooked, it's done. So we can just enjoy the madness. One of those women is the future president of the United States. And I'm with her. And I'm with her.

That's beautiful. I think that's beautiful. I'm with her. I imagine that your experience as a sports dad is not quite like this. It's not at all like that. But my son plays. soccer on like a travel team or whatever you call it. We paid money and it's expensive. What did Truman's soccer team cost? A few thousand bucks a season. I mean, a hefty amount.

Soccer. It's the whole point of soccer, the reason it's so globally popular is that the barrier to entry is low. Ball and some semblance of a net is all you need. Obviously, as you have more resources, you can go with the shin guards and all the, but it's all you really need is a A bunch of people and a goal. Yeah. Well, in New York City, like, you need to need a permit to get to the field because there's not that much space. It's a lot. You need someone to organize.

You have their teams for you to play against. You need uniforms, all this stuff. It's quite expensive. And I'll tell you what, almost every aspect of that experience was basically good. We were with a league at first that we really didn't like. And then we switched to this other league. Shout out Tribeiro. Shout out.

Eventually, he had to stop. Now he plays on his school soccer team. Undefeated. Wow. Shout out Clinton Hawks. That's a former PTFO intern. What's that? That's right.

Former PTFO intern. Truman Kane, undefeated, starting defense. The Clinton Hawks, let's go, boys. Truman, who's been dragged to a bunch of stuff I do, I think. I've seen him at stuff and gone, was that, do you hate that? Do you hate being here? But yeah, we basically had a good experience, but it is crazy expensive. And so when, like, my daughter did gymnastics, also crazy expensive.

And now that she has sort of aged out of gymnastics, or like decided, basically that she's not going to pursue it. Now she wants to pursue volleyball. And when she was like, you know, I'm done with gymnastics, Carrie, my wife and I were both like, oh, too too bad. Oh, too bad. Oh, no. Too bad.

Yeah, exactly. And then she's like, but I'm thinking about doing. And we're like, please say drawing. Please say drawing. Volleyball. But like, yay. And so how expensive is that? I don't even know.

but she made the school volleyball team, which is amazing. And congrats to her. Snap, snap, snaps. So I'm going to watch the girls varsity volleyball right after this. Oh, so am I, but unrelated. You're just a fan. Just a big fan. And then she's going to play on an outside team that is going to cost us thousands of dollars.

And the games are going to be all over God's creation. And it's amazing. It's amazing. And it's so fun. But it's also like, it's crazy. The cost is crazy. The way I actually compare it, and I only realize now that we did this certainly in a way that allows me to perhaps take credit for this segue.

But I've always compared it to like every kid activity that you pay for, you have the wedding reception sort of unlimited budget expectation. Yes. Whatever it is, it's the most special thing. Yeah. And so we get preyed upon. And private equity, by the way, is doing exactly that. Yeah.

It's also that feeling like, yeah, I guess if my child wants to participate in this, we got to, like, scrabble that money together. For you guys, you can make it work. Whatever your kids say, you go, we'll make that work. But I don't know that every family in America is experiencing that same. And there are kids on these teams who are, like, I don't know if scholarship is the right word, but kids who... They're, like, funded by... Umar Kremlov.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's in the back of the team picture, just the top of his head. But this is what the Aspen Institute and Project Play reported. this was in 2024, so you can imagine how it might have increased since then, which is that youth sports is generating more than $40 billion a year, which was 46% increase over 2019. And now the reason why KKR and a PE firm known as Brand Velocity Group, Fast Brands.

That's right. Zoom! Piyos! Youth sports are about as good a return as you can get on your investment. Hello! That should be. be illegal. You should not be able to make money off of children's sports. The money should go directly towards the acquiring of said permits or any shared equipment that's needed. You shouldn't

be able to profit off of kids playing sports. Am I nuts? Well, what they're doing also is they're making everything, again, a matter of subscriptions and fees. So in some of these leagues, in order to actually get the footage that you would have gotten on your phone, they're now saying you can't take that footage on your phone. You've got to pay us for the in-house, like, video camera feed. And so now you're subscribing to another streaming service that is your kids playing sports. It's just like one of these late-stage capitalism, every single. We're going to suck every dollar out of every person until it all belongs to one guy. Or gal. And that's beautiful. Thank you. I should point out here, now that Ryan Cortez has reminded me of this.

What a useful guy. Cortez reminded me. Speaking of what is and is not allowed, that Truman was here when we did the episode in which we did all the state-by-state fetishes. I remember that. That was one of the times where I went, Hey, Truman, was that tough for you? Was that not what you wanted to do with your Thursday?

Between that and my daughter watching non-stop dance moms, I think a case can be made for me to not be the best, Dad. Yeah. Not be the best. I am the best, but a case could be made. And you've got the mug that says so. I do. I have a mug that says that.

That I bought myself. Yeah, because someone had to do it. Yeah, because my kids hate me. Can I ask a question of the group? Of course. Where are you guys finding the will to keep living? Because I genuinely, genuinely, the more I hear about the way we are going as a country, as a society, just as humans, the fact that I can't record if I had a child at my theoretical child's game because a private equity funded. group films and I have to pay to subscribe to that.

That's broken. That is a fundamentally broken part of society. So how do we carry on? It's very demoralizing to me. I have no faith in us as humans that we're going in a direction I'm cool with. Yeah, and it is, it's permeating. And I wonder with these things if it was always that way, or if there was a team and then private equity,

vampired in and turned something that was probably okay vertically integrated. My bad. The business that has been established is not especially innovative. It is what if we could do all the things that you see in the rest of our economy to parents because they want to pay for their kids so bad that we cannot actually break the bond of them as customer that perhaps we would be worried about more if they could opt out of giving a shit about their kids.

Yeah, and then it becomes like, you know, within a certain social strata and above, stratum and above, you, in order for your kid to participate in these social things, you have to do this. Yes, you have to. Like, if your kid wants to play soccer, this is how you play. This is the only way to play, besides in your school. So New York Magazine did this cover story about it.

I want to quote from a passage there, which is, quote, you go to a tournament that is owned by the same company that owns the team that then says you have to book a hotel block that's owned by the team through a platform also owned by the team they have rules about taking your own video because they want to sell you their media package and you have to pay to park because they own that too this is according to a former club lacrosse coach in New Jersey who has three children on travel teams

continues before you know it you're paying a lot of money for the privilege of your kid playing a team from one town over several states away from where you all live the travel circuit of like, what do we have to go to now? That's a destination wedding of a tournament. In that article, I think they also talked about Europe, about like sending the kids over to play a tournament thing in Europe. And you're like, these aren't even the kids that,

because these conversations have been happening for a while about sports in America getting expensive for kids. But a lot of times it was like, well, if your kid is in this league that's for the elite exceptional talent and they want to get exposed to the scouts and the, you know, the people that'll get them into the pros, this is what they... A lot of these are just kids that aren't very good,

but they want to play, and why do they have to go to Europe for thousands of dollars to lose to a bunch of Europeans? Like, it's all of the teams, not just the elite athletes. Now it's just anybody who wants to play sports. To quote Pilates' mom from Team Moms on Paramount Plus. Prethes, only fans, mom, question mark.

What is the likelihood of one of these boys signing an MLB contract? I think it's 0.03%. It's not likely. End quote. She's probably right, though. Yeah. Secret mathematician, Pilates, mom.

That's cool. Statistician. She's got to run the numbers on her Pilates class. She's also vertically integrated. That's right. And that could mean a number of things. Allegedly.

Right. Right. She's horizontally integrated as well. We have been talking about photography and wildlife and what to do when everything feels like shit. And Katie, one thing I hope will make you feel better is this thing that's been sitting on the desk next to me this whole time. Oh, wow.

Which is a gift. Thank you. I'd like you. Beautiful. I'd like you to explain to the audience what this is. Now, this is a photo from Harambe's friend, Jeff T. McCurry, of Harambe, who you'll remember, we learned ate straight from his own butt. Poop.

He ate poop from his butt. He took the poop out of his butt and he put it into his mouth. Is that true? Harambe taking his poop out of his butt and then like soft serve, like leaving some of it in his hand, eating it. And so, Michael, could you read what the inscription is? I would love you. To Katie Nolan. That's me.

Thank you. He's eating it straight from the tap. Harambe's friend, Jeff T. McCurry. That's right. It's beautiful. I will. I did say that. He looks so thoughtful. Doesn't he?

He's such a handsome. Poor guy. He's doing like, what a piece of work is a man. Do you know what I'm talking about? Hamlet? Anybody? Yeah, no, definitely. Totally, totally, totally.

This reminds me, though, now that I see Michael hold this, that that is a photo of a man who is in touch with his intestines, held by a man who is also. in touch with his intestines. Hate vomiting. I mean, I hate it. Anybody love it? No, no people love it, but people can tolerate it.

Like, I can't, if I feel like, this is, this is gross, I'm saying gross. If I feel like I'm going to vomit, I am able to, instead of having the relief that would come from vomiting, I'm able to force that to come out of my butt. I can make, I can make my vomit, I can make my vomit diarrhea.

is a power that I have. You redirect it? The worst superhero alive. That is like in the X-Men movies they get like the later you get the way of the Pal mutants and it's like my powers I have like porcupine spikes or whatever. This is what's your power?

Here comes Van Maria. What is it? Honestly, you could probably guess. I like that Asher has himself in the background of your shot. So technically Asher's in every shot of the podcast. It is from, but also with Michael and Asher. That's right. Thank you so much.

Guys, look, if that's the clip that does it for us, then God bless. But it's true. I'm here to fact check this. I don't believe you. None of us here believe you. When you have the feeling that you're going, like, do you know before you're going to throw up, right? You know, like, probably. Sometimes moments before, but a lot of times.

I think if I know, like, say, the vibe is I'm probably 30 minutes away from throwing up. Through the power of meditation, I can read. I'm telling you, I can make the, I can make. I'm going to. need to see it. I can make the vomit go out my butt. I got to see it. Now let me ask. Now I'm on two podcasts talking about it. Is this what you wanted? Yes. This is better than everything we've talked about, first of all. This is the power, this is human power to change your circumstance. Yeah, I can run my, yeah, okay. If it's vomit from drinking too much.

Never had that. Don't drink. First of all. Don't drink. Don't drink. Oh, one time I did. One time on my 25th birthday, which was a year ago, a 25th birthday, my friends and coworkers I had to get me to do 25 shots. What? And I threw up on that, on that day, I threw up. As you should have. I probably had one shot. You literally had to.

But you, so you couldn't, in that situation, when it's, like, happening to you, not because of something gastrointestinal. Did I try to do 25? Did you try to diarrhea it out? No, but I didn't know I had the power at that time. Oh. I recently became aware. How did you discover the power?

Good question, Paula. Finding out. You know the feeling where it's like, oh, I'm about to throw up. I'm going to throw up. Kind of. He keeps saying that. But, like, kind of. Kind of, I guess.

I felt nauseous. Like you're doing like intestinal cagels? Yeah, basically. It's like clenching. I'm just like what you do. You recognize that you are the maestro of your own body. No. And you just tell yourself.

Downstairs, please. You're not going to throw up. Downstairs, please. You are not going to throw up. Don't come up here, go down. You are not going. No matter what happens today, Michael, you are not going to throw up. Your butt might throw up, but your face won't.

Yeah. And then you do it. And I've given myself that speech, and it ended with me puking in my purse in the back of an Uber on my way to work. Or I was like, it's not going to happen. You're okay. Get in the Uber. And then in the Uber, I went like, quietly into my purse so that the Uber driver wouldn't go, yo! I just went.

You're doing really good pukes sounds. Thanks. I'm sure someone will make them into something else sounds. Point is, how I'll... I'll... You're kind of doing harampe. I just am. How? How are you possibly? How was it? And it's never solid poop. You're never turning the need to puke into like a solid poop. What are you crazy? How could you possibly do that?

And is it, when you poop it out, is it like puke or it's just? I mean, it's diarrhea, I would say, is puke of the butt? Are you sure you're just not simply vomiting and having diarrhea? I'm not vomiting. I'm not vomiting. When I feel like I'm going to vomit, I'm not going to vomit. What I'm wondering is what if you are also vomiting and having diarrhea? I've just never had that lying about that. And you just closed one door. It's not that you turned it into poop. It's that you would have been doing both.

Yeah, Michael has hot dog eating contest rules. He's like, if my mouth doesn't open, it doesn't mean the food counts. I'm not like, it's not alchemy, right? I haven't like turned. That is what you're saying, actually. You are saying it's alchemy. What I'm saying is I can get what would be puke to go out the, I can get it, I can redirect. And what we're saying is that you, we think it would be coming out both ends,

but you've just decided to close one door. Okay, fine. Well, how is that different from what? It's incredibly different. What I'm saying is it's all coming out the back. I'm telling everybody, this is the exit. Open that union suit flap. That's right.

I'm going, Umar Kremlin on it. I mean, my dog has the reverse, which is that she can turn her diarrhea into vomit, and the way she does that is by eating it. You ever had that happen? I think we may have vertically integrated too much. Yeah. And that's how you get a pool, sir.

What did we find out today? That's what we found out. That's what we found out. We found out. We found out. This is the first time I think I think I did a poohetzer. ever been on this podcast where a producer in my ear said, we got it. I think that's it.

We got it. Pablo Torre finds out is produced by Walter Avaroma, Maxwell Carney, Ryan Cortez, Juan Galindo, Patrick Kim, Neely Lohman, Rob McCray, Laura Newcomb, Matt Sullivan, Claire Taylor, and Chris Tuminello. Studio engineering by RG Systems, sound design by Andrew Bersick, Digital Strategy by Bailey Carlin and Andrew Northern, theme song, as always, by John Bravo. and we'll talk to you next time.