Page 7 - Best. Christmas. Ever! WATCHALONG

Episode Date: December 28, 2023

IT'S THE HOLIDAYS and Page 7 hopes everyone had a Merry Christmas and wishes a Happy Monkey Bob to All with this Best. Christmas. Ever! watchalong!   Want even more Page 7? Support us on Patreon! Patreon.com/Page7Podcast Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

I don't know anything about this movie whatsoever. Welcome to page seven watchalong of best Christmas ever. Let's just give a little synopsis. After a twist of fate brings their families together for Christmas, Charlotte steps out to prove her old friend, Jackie's life is too good to be true. Is my life too good to be true? I guess we're going to find out today because that's my name. Here is what I think the theme song is for this movie.

Whether or not we're together, no matter if there's very bad weather, it's the best Christmas, best Christmas ever. I feel like you're not really selling the fact that there are periods between all of the words. It is best Christmas ever. I'm so pissed off. Best Christmas ever, what's going on every year? That time of the month. Oh, periods. Oh, it's a period.

That would have gone right. That's a period jokes ago. It's a pretty non-offensive one, all right? I can't believe. No, it's, it's internet language, hold, and I can't believe you're not more upset. I'm furious with the title of this book, Best Christmas Ever.

Yeah, I mean, apparently this movie, this is great because it's hot off the presses. It's a Netflix movie, and it's already on lists for all the worst Christmas movies of all time lists. It's people hate it It's just really difficult because my name is in it I don't know if you guys know this

But my name is in it And it's hard for a movie Would be bad when my name is in it And that's not true I've seen many a bad movie With the name Jackie in it But that's not my life And wait is that Brandy

Yeah yeah Real quick Brandy and Jason Biggs I mean Heather Graham really I can't believe Heather Graham is there My engine revving so that's nice at least Wow So here I pull Very easy by the

I didn't have to do very much taking at all and have some one-star reviews for us. This is from James. We've been debating whether or not to force our two kids 12 and 9

to watch this movie. The debate centers around figuring out if our kids have watched too many terrible shows that they wouldn't notice or understand how God-awful this movie is. Is it funny? No.

Is it dramatic? No. Can I enjoy a single frame? No. Why did I keep watching Confusion and self-flatulation? Wow. I've seen a lot of reviews

saying this is what happened. when the writers are on strike and you use chat gpte to write the script i don't think that's fair to the current version of chat gpte this goes on dude this is this is wild because we just watch kirk cameron saving christmas and i don't think i've ever been so um appalled is to almost suggest that i cared more than i could but you know i i it's not like i was personally upset by the movie but I was upset just on a kind of like... Just the fact that it was made. As someone who creates things,

just the idea that this was made, you know? Here's another part of this review. I could go on about the child actors in this as well, but I'm having to keep my mean-spirited comments about them private. Except Monkey Bob. He should have been set up fired by the hot air balloon. Jackie, will there be children singing? I haven't watched a movie in a long time.

I don't know why we kept watching this movie. I wish I'd fall to sleep and missed most. of it, but I think I was too confused and angered by it to fall asleep. Wow. Oh my God. Everybody's writing the same phrase ever and ever good. Worst Christmas movie ever. Everyone's writing that phrase.

Worst Christmas ever. Dude, these people go on and on. They don't write short reviews. These reviews are long and upset. Seriously, Netflix. This is from Keith. Seriously, Netflix. Shame on you for commissioning such dross.

I bet you'd ever even bothered to read the script or review the movie before putting it out. After all, the money invest comes from subscribers pockets. That's one hour 21 minutes. I won't be getting back. Just endless, man. Monkey Bob. I can't wait to mean Monkey Bob. What will happen? All right. Maybe, yeah, I think it's time. Maybe we hope Monkey Bob was also set on fire. I guess we're going to find out. That's the crazy. The funniest sentence. I wish Monkey Bob got. Oh my God. Mia says, I've watched a lot of Christmas films, but I must say that this has stolen my Christmas spirit. Okay.

Damn. I'm so excited. We did encourage people not to watch it with us. For this one, I'm going to say, if you can, you know, if you're, watch it down. I feel like you might want to watch this one. Get a pour yourself a drink. At least it's not like weird, bad, dumb politics stuff going on in the background. I think, but we'll see.

Who knows? Who knows? Who knows? Bob's a truther who was at the capital on January 6. What are you taken down, MJ? All right. What are we drinking? Right now, I'm just drinking.

a really thick vodka soda. Excellent. Holden. How about you? I am drinking a, I got a couple of these tall IPA, hazy IPAs from Made West Brewing Company. They're delicious. Oh, you love a hazy IPA. Love a hazy IPA. I have some bubbly rosé. Ooh. Whoa.

Right? Nice. Oh, okay. I know. Lottie does. If I end up slamming these two beers, I may end up popping some wine a little bit later, so we'll see if that happens. Well, that's the, it's got to be done.

Also, you know, this is tricky because I, we've got to be lucid enough to be present for the podcast. Exactly. Unlucid enough to watch this movie. So we got to get a little loose. It's a balance. It's a balancing act. It's like how Keith Richards would, you know, he would do cocaine and then do heroin to balance out the cocaine and then do cocaine to come up from the hair. You know, it's a little like that.

You got to balance it out. All right. Well, let's get into it without further do because we can keep the chitter-chatter going while we watch this thing. I guess I'll say three, two, one, and then what's the word you always need me to say? Start. You have to say three, two, one, start, and you have to start the movie. You have to hit play at the beginning of the word start.

And we'll do a little bit of narration at the beginning to make sure we're all seeing the same thing. To make sure we're all kind of seeing the same thing. Are you ready for my countdown? I am ready. I'm poised. Everybody prepare? Yes.

All right, I'm doing it now. Three, two, one, start. Netflix logo. Haboom. Festive music playing. I have subtitles on if you don't have subtitles. Oh, yeah, I've got something. You've got to have subtitles on if we're talking over it.

How are we supposed to, you know, watch the plot unwind? Properly enjoy this script. It's apparently worse than what an AI could have written. Yes. Click on two trees, multiple trees, two green things. I mean, it brings up a good point. The Jennings Family Newsletter. How did they make this movie?

Oh, no, they're one of these people that writes the newsletter. Do you everyone has those in their family? Oh, my God. that write the newslet. I used to love those. My parents now put out like a Thanksgiving. No, your parents are the newsletter parents.

I love those. I will say this though. We have we have some family that's like we're loosely related to that send out a weird one every year where they like talk about their like horrible health problems.

Those are my favorite. My mom, we would always sit around my mom and my mom would read them aloud from my one aunt that would send him like, And then this person, oh my God, she fell off a bike and she'll never be the same. And all, like, just like all the, it's, and then we laugh and we laugh and we laugh. I used to absolutely love those.

Because that's what Christmas is about. The one family every year who sends the worst, cornyest, longest, most pun-filled newsletter. And I, yes, I would laugh and laugh. That's the spirit of Christmas. So that is what this is about. So it seems up top, Heather Graham hates Brandy because Brandy has the family where they write the newsletter. Right.

All right. So we got... But she's lying. Like, clearly this is setting it up that she's lying about all of this. Oh, yeah. Yeah. All right.

So, Brandy's sitting in front of a fire and she's typing her newsletter. Oh, there's the air balloon. All right, so we've got the hot air balloon. Monkey. What's it? Monkey boy? Monkey Joe.

Monkey, monkey. Bob? Or whatever. Monkey Bob. Oh, my God. The pictures of them in front of the pyramids. Oh, breaking the fourth. Oh, breaking the fourth.

Oh, God. I'm already scared. What's happening? Why is she looking at us? I will say, man, she's hot. So hot, dude.

She looks great. She does look great. Man, when I first saw her at the end of swingers and then awesome powers, man, I just, I just ravaged myself. Am I, am I unfair to say that I don't remember her being a particularly gifted actor? Am I? No, it'll be hard, I think, to maybe fur to carry an entire movie on her back, but she was good in the hangover. I think she's better as like a utilitarian. Like she's better as like...

As a character. Like Boogie Knights, right? She's great at Boogie Nights, but she's also like, you know, playing a fun, sillier. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That makes sense. We just met Monkey Bob, by the way.

There's Monkey Bob. There's Monkey Bob. Oh, at least it's a stuffy. So they were saying that the stuffy should be burned alive. So that's mine. I guess. That's money.

That's money. That's money. You can't drink every time. Or every time Jackie says that's my name. That's my name. Okay, then you drink. All right, great. I do have some fireball next to me if the spirit needs it.

I just want you to know, MJ. I also have my fireball next to me. So if the spirit done takes hold, we can do it to me. We've got to be open to the Christmas spirit. I can summon some fireball into my world as well. If you want, it's mere steps from. my person. I think we have to wait until we're all very upset

and then we'll take our first fireball shot. And then just let me know and I'll run and I'll go grab. It's time. It's time. Just not yet, but that's what it'll sound like. I can't believe she is. I mean, so far I'm not. Jason Biggs are married to each other.

Doesn't that seem like a generational difference? No? A little bit, right? What do you think? Wait, what do you think they're that different in age? I don't know. I'm wrong. I think because.

Yeah, we saw her as older back when Jason Biggs Maybe because he played a high schooler when she was like playing adults. He's 45 years old. How old she? She's a cougar. She's got to be in her 50s. She's 53. Well, that's really not the biggest.

Damn. She looks so hot, dude. She's one of those. Not the 53 is that old, but still she looks like great. She looks great. So what does that they're renovating a house like a fixer-upper? Or did their house? Was their house set on fire?

I just keep thinking, I don't know, I just keep thinking this is going to end up being like the curse where they make fun of, like Emma Stone and Nathan Fielder make fun of, like, Chip and Jojo, but it's like totally not. It's the opposite of that, it seems.

Okay, I mean, that's, so, this is just so mundane. Right. I think we might be about to, like, death by a thousand cuts situation of just like a really, yeah, kind of a thing. We're just nothing of value happens for an hour and 20 minutes.

Yeah, I don't like the kid for sure. No. Not a fan. But I understand wanting to not make fun of the child actors, but. Yeah. I think here we can do that. I think we can define.

This isn't really me making fun of the child actor. The kid gives off a vibe that makes me sad without an understanding why. I think that we can be upset for the concept of child actor more largely and not mad at the individual. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally MJ. Also, Heather Graham sang, homie. Yeah. Like in a... But I did appreciate Jason Biggs did say,

don't do that in public. Because you know what? We all have things that we say inside of the house that are allowed to be set outside of the house. Yeah, like that time Kanye West said, I love... Inside the house. Best Christmas ever.

All right, five days before Christmas. Let's do this. Oh my God, this is totally going to be you and Lexi Holden. Are you feeling these vibes right now? Driving on Christmas. We just got some fun, disconcerting news about our Florida trip. So I'm already fully in dreading it mode. I actually...

Honestly, I just want everyone to think about this right now. As you're listening to this, Holden is miserable. As this comes out, Holden's so upset. By the way, I believe we were really upset the last year when we did the holiday movie watch log, by the way. But I think I could wear it on my sleeve a little bit more because at least it's like, I'm used to the disappointment and frustration and chaos that is the Florida trip. So I'm kind of more, you know, it's like GTA6.

You know what I mean? I mean, everyone's excited for that game, you know? Sure. And I do like the fact that he was in a no doubt cover band. Jason Biggs. That's my name. Take a drink. Take a drink.

But also, I don't know if you picked up the fact that they have dated in the past. Jason Biggs and Brandy. And Jackie, yeah. Please only refer to her as her character's name. Thank you very much. I don't know who this brandy is you're talking about. I would be referring to her as Moesha for the duration of this film. Thank you very much.

Back in time. That always confused the shit out of me. I was like, why isn't her character's name just Brandy? Why would they name her a different name for the TV show? I don't know. Elevated, Holden. Oh, what is this version of it? Oh, hot air, blue.

So hot air balloons have a lot going on. Big part of big. The hot air balloon to best Christmas ever is the harmonica to Jack Frost starring Michael Keaton. And yes, I am bringing up that movie. Well, you know, it's really more. It's really more like a catcher in the rye. Like the hot air balloons like the ducks that fly. Where do they fly for the winter?

Oh, yeah. What kind of symbolism are they going to-house? That's a very picturesque house. I don't know what made people sad because for me, the movie that makes me, that removes the holiday spirit for me is the live action Grinch You Stole Christmas featuring Jim Carrey. But that's because that movie is full of terrible characters and just awful sentiments when it comes to the holidays.

It's just like it makes me hate Christmas because of every, yeah, because all the actors and like all the characters, everything they, it's just, no one has like a good thing to say in that movie. You know what I mean? I promise that it has Christine Bransky in it. And I love Christine Baranski. She's great. That's good to know because I'm trying to figure out

which are like the essential Christmas movies to show the kids now that they're a little bit older. And it sounds like Grinch doesn't know. Brandy looks great. Yeah, she looks wonderful. They all look great. Jason Biggs looks good. What if they all started kissing?

If we turn this movie into a kissing movie, instead get the kids out of there. Heather Graham, Brandy, Jason Biggs, they're all kissing. Yeah. I'm on board. That would be good. Oh, the fucking kid did this? Wait, where were they supposed to go?

To her sisters. So what did he do, put in the wrong address and the GPS? Like, you didn't notice you weren't on your way to your sisters? What an impossible plot point to at all a back. That doesn't make any sense. All right, so explain this. So they put it in the GPS when I guess they like weren't looking a different house, which is Brandy's house, which is her, like, enemy or friend-in-me or whatever.

Apparently, the kid overheard her say, oh, there's nothing I'd rather do than show up at that house. And she said, Heather Graham said that in a mad way. Kid put it in the GPS and here we are. Set Monkey Bob on fire. Oh, they're going to stay with Brandy. Oh, my God. There's always room like the in.

That's what she said. That's nice. Oh, my. You love the manger. Story, MJ. I love it. Anytime you're talking to me about the birth of Jesus, I want to...

But are you thinking about saving Christmas, though? I'm traumatized by saving Christmas. I know. I feel like I need to share a saving Christmas with other people. Does that make me an evangelical Christian? I guess so. I'm sorry.

I guess we can't be friends anymore. I'm so moved by it that I need to tell others. Oh, my God. I need this picture of me. I want that picture. A aspire picture, but with me above my fireplace. It's like a kind of Barack Obama Hope style, like, you know, picture, but with Brandy's face on it in her own home, and it says Aspire.

Can you imagine that many people show up at your home and you're just able to host them? Could you imagine? A family of four in the middle of the night? Could you imagine being able to just on the fly host them? I mean, Jackie, you're a great host, but I have been thinking about this also because this weekend we had family in town and I was like, man, how great would it be if I just had a basement? And I was just like, go down to the basement. Go down to the basement.

Yeah, it would be so nice. You can stay somewhere else. And don't get me wrong, I do have a basement, but it is. I live above a bodega, so it's a bodega basement. Oh, you don't want to send her down to the rat area? The rat area. Yeah. You could sleep in the rat area.

All right. Oh, she's going to start getting jelly. She's getting jelly because they fucked in the path. So far. So they're basically at the expert. Our main character who we're supposed to be on the side of, I think, is only giving me reasons to not like her. Like she's jealous and petty and...

Yeah. Heather Graham is in the wrong here for sure. Yeah, like... Jackie is great. And I'm not talking about Jackie Zabrowski, but I am. Well, you can if you want to. Please, it's Moesha for the duration of this filming experience. Oh, imagine just that huge bed that's just unused in an unusual.

I know, can you imagine? Oh, the dreams. A guest room. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh my God. Jackie. There's all this liquid shooting out of your dad's doing. I'm goishing for architecture. Give me a house. This is a nice house. This is the problem.

You get in your late 30s and this is the kind of thing. I used to like watch this and I know I say, oh, if only they would all kiss. But like, that's young me. In my head, in my head, all I'm thinking about is like, could you imagine owning a Yeah, if only I can live in this house. Could you imagine having a driveway? Yeah. Could you imagine?

Like, I, I'm so outside of my world. Yeah, I would give up kissing any of them if I could have that house. Yeah, I'll sew my lips shut. Oh, no, no, no, oh, wow. Oh, the beds are rocking. Oh, because she's on the naughty list, she said.

She shot him down. Who's she fucking? I was her husband. and they are just fucking up against the house. We haven't met the husband yet. He didn't come out to say hi? No, but he was, I think he was already getting into naughty mode. Got it.

When the walls are a rock and I guess that house isn't made very well, so maybe I shouldn't pine for it so hard. Kind of sorry, what's this rated? I'm surprised that sex is introduced as a concept into the film. So he just doesn't notice. He doesn't notice the fucking. That would not. Frighten you. Yeah, I don't like the kid.

It's PG. You make some sad. Really? Yeah. I mean, it was insinuated and not actually. I don't think kids would understand what's happening. Yeah. Right.

Uh-oh. Find the car. Oh, God, it's a winter wonderland. Yes. Yes. All right. They're trapped at the end. ex-girlfriend's house because of the snow.

Classic. But, you know, white Christmas. I mean, that's, you know. Yeah. I'm with it. It's a classic Christmas move. I'm not upset yet. It is, it is boring.

Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't want to sit and watch this alone. Horrifically boring, for sure. It's very boring. If I didn't have you guys, I would be upset that I was watching it. But right now I'm not upset. I do want to. And also, you know that Jackie paid for someone to decorate the end.

I was just about to say. I aspire. You're thinking about the house. I'm thinking about the decorations. The decorations are very good. Hello. Oh, hello. All right.

We got some eye candy. Okay. Here's fucking Moish, the peach. Ooh, I want to lick him off a spoon. All right. He's a hottie. He's wearing like a muscle tank. She's into him.

She's, oh yeah. She's thirsting. Man, she looks good. 53. I mean, I, you guys start bringing up because I'll just start talking about my masturbating. Don't want to masturbating on the kids' movies. But she does have a little bit of wrinkles in her forehead

showing me that she's not totally frozen, you know? Yeah, yeah, she has a little bit of age. Like she has age. Whereas Brandy looks like her skin has been stretched. She looks amazing. You know what I mean? She looks like she's wearing like a, like a, she's in the movie saw or something. You know what I mean?

Oh, the kids really smart. Look at how hot she looks in that little robe. Yeah, Brandy does look tight, but you're right. Holden. She also does look like she's been tightened. Yeah, she's got, yeah, which is fine. It's just, I'm just, it's my voice. Everybody's been a little tight.

You can see herself on her face. It's so shiny and taught. Uh-oh. She's even better at making pancakes. Look at that supergirl. Heather Graham's about to get out domesticated. I love what you drop of blurred lines, anyway.

Apparently, okay, so apparently Robin thinks I was, I think I was in a Reddit thread about like celebrities who've had the biggest like, like quickest downfall. Is this because you want to make your own canceled show where you bring back people that are canceled and try to uncancel them? I want to put a bunch of canceled people

in a house M.J. And then they'd have to do a bunch they get narrowed down and do a bunch of games to eliminate each other. And at the very end, the last person to say it gets uncanceled. and gets to go back. It'll be called...

James Franco presents uncanceable. It's listed by James Franco. Well, he probably needs to be a contestant because he's in the same category. That man, free that man. So the kids just brought up the fact that they don't fuck as hard as Jackie and Val do, by the way. Yeah. So we get another thing. She doesn't do as good as Jackie. You can take a drink to that.

Ugh, wait That's so nasty But yeah Also, would you be so creeped out That is someone you haven't spoken to in what 20 years? And she just shows up at your door? Totally.

Totally weird. I'd be so creeped out. But also the part where I have really wild, loud sex The night that that person showed up Also a weird. They're on the naughty list, Holden. It's like you don't get it. I'm gonna say,

I think I need a little bit bit more character development because I I know that Jason Biggs and Brandy used to date but like was it did they all know each other like was it a mutual friend situation like how does how well does Heather Graham know you know what I mean I don't well it seems like Heather Graham knew they all she knew Jason Biggs because she bang used to bang Jason Biggs but then she must have like they must have broken up and then they must have all been friendly at least because they all know each other yeah Real quick, the thing I was going to say about Robin Thick was, apparently, I did not know this.

After the album with blurred lines on it, you know, and all the shenanigans with like Miley Cyrus and everything, like he ends up getting, I believe, divorced from his wife. I remember that. Kind of partly because of the Miley Cyrus stuff, too, by the way. And then made a album about their divorce. And apparently it's like embarrassing. I remember this. It's like awful. I vaguely remember this.

And I need to listen. Now, I have to listen to this album. So sorry, Jackie. What did you just sketch? No, she, I just, the hot dude touched Heather Graham on the thigh, and so I got all excited. But she's pulling out letters from Santa Claus, but I am intrigued because there are four stockings on that, and you don't get past old eagle-eye Zabrowski that easily. I see four stockings up there. Where's the fourth?

Where's the fourth? Because there's only one kid, the fourth child. The first child? The first child. Brandy's kids so far. Yeah. I remember there wasn't there another,

there wasn't a second kid in the intro? There is, well, Heather Graham has two kids, but where, okay, I was trying to remember if,

because she gives the whole rundown of all the amazing things about her life in that intro. And I'm trying to remember if there was a second kid in that. You're, I think Jackie's hoping that there's some sort of like

crazy grandma in the basement or something. That or like, is it like, is there, you know, is it like, Dead kid or something. Like, you know.

It's like an evil dead style grandmother. Are they swingers? Are they trying to switch here? Is this what's happening in this PG holiday movie? It better be. The guy's touching her thigh. He's, you know, she's clearly, Brandy's clearly, Moisha, sorry, is clearly going on Biggs. I mean.

I mean, I'll watch the tape. So jealous of Jason Biggs in this movie. Yeah. I was going to say. that I don't buy Heather Graham's insecurity, but, you know, even hot ladies feel insecure.

So I'll buy it. That is so true. But, but in my opinion, she's one of the hottest people, at least in like Hollywood. I mean, you know,

in that realm. But also, yeah, he's also bringing up a valid point. You're also staring with your tongue hanging out at this hot dude. So like, give me a break here. Yeah, you're going to be all upset about your husband.

You're the one that is obviously staring at Val. Oh, other kid, other kid. Maybe it's the lack of music that, like, I feel like I'm like, watching it feels weird. Yeah, it is definitely silent. Really boring play. Actually, I'm on a holiday break with boring family member. You know what I mean? Like, it is recreating that feeling.

I do feel like I'm stuck at someone's house. I'm stuck in a room with these two people and I won out so bad. Yeah. So bad. But also interesting how she's wearing tight pants. We're not supposed to wear tight pants anymore. It gives us away, Heather Graham. It gives us olds away.

We've got to wear big pants now. Wear big pants. That's what the kids like anyway. Big pants, tiny top. I know. I got big pants. I'm getting tiny tops. Or tiny pants, big top.

But I like, you know, I think the big pants is the way to go. Okay. We're about to get some more character development. Let's do it. Queen of aviation. She's a pilot. All right. Now I'm trying to fact check all of the things about the news lot.

All right. she's like assessing the intelligence of Brandy's child, which I feel like is a bit of a violation. This is very weird, Heather Graham. It's not a good look on you. Yeah, I know. This is one of those movies. This is one of those movies to be really easy

to turn into like a horror movie trailer. It would be a great horror movie. I mean, the basic premise, like, what if you had to spend time with some annoying bitch whose Christmas cards you hate? It's a fine premise. I just feel like they have, they are trying to raise stakes

and they don't got no stakes. And why is she looking through their things? Yeah, she's just never been in the right at any point in this movie. None of this behavior makes any sense. Although I kind of like her sweater. Yeah, I like her look a lot. The outfits are good.

The decorations are even better. I know. This house really is wonderful. Too bad a bunch of boring, shitty people. I would have this. I would have this many Christmas decorations around my home. Absolutely, if I could. Yeah, but then even then, man, I was thinking about it.

We have a bunch of Christmas ornaments. We didn't even put all the Christmas ornaments on the tree because all I could think of was, I got to take it all that. I know, I know. Especially if you've been in like a declutter mode, it starts to feel like clutter, which is hard. Right. Yes. But it is nice. I like the Christmas tree lights.

Yeah, I love them. You know, on the, it's not, and it changes the vibe of the evening into something. Look at this fit. Brandy. They both look very good. And Heather Grand, they're both rocking a look here. Oh, but Brandy's pants, I want them. I know.

Yeah, she's telling them herself. They're called Brants. Brants, I'll wear Brants. I think the question is, does it feel as satisfying as a Hallmark movie, right? Because obviously, hallmark movies, stakes are low, similar from us. So far, it's checking all the... It's checking all the boxes. I feel like it's about as exciting as a regular Hallmark movie.

which is not exciting. Yeah, right now I'm like, I'm feeling I'm just watching, you know, the most generic of... Yeah, it's like a Hallmark movie with a better cast. Fuck against the tree. Fuck against the tree.

But I guess it is, you know what it is? It's so devoid of any real choices. Yeah. Jackie and I are so the same in our relationship. See, I get this, Heather Graham. Sometimes, you know? All over each other. We're all over each other.

We're a nightmare to be around. And then after hours, Lex's like, why don't you touch me? The way the chap touches Jack and then you have a Heather Graham Jason Big situation. I just start going I just start throwing

you know projectile throwing up all over whatever wall I'm standing next. Because your wife wants affection? Uh-oh, Santa's getting drunk. Oh, it's a red bull. Is he getting drunk? I thought he was getting drunk.

Okay. I was like, that's, no, it's a red bull. Wow, what, that is such obvious product placement. Amazing. They're just pouring like right in front, but maybe he's got

some vodka in it. That's all I can hope for that same thing. I can't wait for whatever pushes us over the edge to have to drink fireball. I'm thinking a lot about what it's going to be. I am going to pour the fireball shot

because I'm starting to get a little itchy over here. I'm feeling like I need it, but. Need a little bit of a jump up? You know, I'm not not enjoying the movies so far, but I do look forward to a, I'm going to go ahead and summon the fireball right now.

Summon the fireball. I'm putting out guesses here. Do you think it's a dead kid? No, no dead kids in this movie. Okay. I kind of hope it was an insane suggestion, Jackie. I've kind of opened it to death. That's all I'm saying.

And if it is a dead kid, I'm going to take another shot. If there's a dead kid, we'll take three shots. Because that would really take this movie out there. I'm putting it out there. I don't, when the stakes are this low, How do you heighten them? You know, it's like when the floor is in hell. Like, how?

When the floor is in hell? Like, what do we even, like, what could happen? Oh, the lights won't turn on on the Christmas tree. You know, we are in low-stakes territory. And maybe that's why I'm enjoying it. That's what I want right now. Everything is high-stakes in the world. Give me the lowest-stakes movie you could possibly make.

And especially with the sexy husband here. Yeah. I don't know his real life name, but I don't want it. Yeah, we'll call him Val. All right, Val. So did we confirm, is it several dead children that... No, I'm just saying I put it out there, and if it is a dead child, then we have to take... MJ said three fireballs off.

Because that would be a turn, Holden. That would be a turn. That's my name. Jackie. That's wrong. Yeah, I'm drinking. Oh, she's now stealing their mail, which is a federal crime. Oh, no, she's giving it.

I was hoping it would be federal crime. Because if she commits a crime, we can also take a crime. a shot. Look at this sitting room. Oh, I am just, I'm sorry, I'm horny for the house. I'm over here. I'm horny from this damn house. The house is good. Just makes me want a nice house so bad. Okay, what do we, what are we, when are we going to drink? Is it when a crime is committed? Is it when someone dies? Is it when someone fucks? When Monkey Bob rides the hot air balloon. We're going to be, we're going to be waiting a while. I mean, I'm making another drink right now, so I've been drinking. Yeah.

Right. Yeah. Damn. Oh, now we have like a nice meal scene. We're just over here. We're so boring. We're just over here being like, that meal looks nice. This house looks nice.

I want to bang that shit. I want to sign that guy. It looks nice. Everyone's complaining in the comments and we're all just like, this looks like a nice weekend. This looks so nice. There's a nice bun cake. There's festive cookies. Jackie.

Val keeps making eyes at Heather Graham, by the way. I do want them to, I do want them to, cross kiss. Have sex. Yeah, I'm like, this is the problem, it's my mind keeps wanting it to be like, oh, he's reading a Steve in a hobby.

Like a dirty fuck movie. I want this to be like a sexy like, thriller or something. Oh, oh, I want that kitchen for Christmas. Look at her outfit too again. The out of the kitchen. Give me this Christmas kitchen. Okay, what's gonna happen?

Are they gonna fuck? They're gonna fuck. Now we're making fuck guys. Now we're making things happen. This is their second dining room table, by the way. And again, by the way, I can't believe she's the protagonist still. She's horrible. Yeah, she's a bad.

Everything she's doing is, at all times, is awful. It really is. It's like, what is it, like, rocking the cradle or whatever, like, the insidious, like, friend or whatever. Single white female. Yeah. Single white female. Yeah, that's a much better example. I was thinking hand that rocks the cradle.

The cradle, yes. Hey, that rocks a cradle. Oh, Rebecca, the morning. Oh, don't even get me started. Also, what is this height we're doing here, Heather Graham? What's going on with the hair? What's happening? Oh, I like it.

You're trying to compensate? You're going to your prom back in the 80s? Love it. Why would you talk to him about this? Do you find you attractive? Val is trying to get in there. Val's like, I can tell something's going on. You're a very handsome, gorgeous man.

He's trying to open it up. He's trying to open it up. I love this. But he's right. Is this guy working on you guys? He's right. He said, I think it's nice when other people find my wife attractive. Like, yeah, you don't need to, Heather Graham needs to fucking snap out of it, you know, it's fine.

No one's fucking yet. But he did, she did ask, do you find me attractive? And he said no. So, you know, he's nagging her. This is classic PUA stuff. We were talking about this the other day. I, this little boy is very cute. I was going to say, actually, I think all three kids are kind of fucking cute.

Are we, are we, are we laying? You're a parent or something. Have we lost it? I'm not, I'm not coming over on the side with you guys. The boy makes me depressed and I don't know why. The girl's not bothering me. The smart girl is not bothering me. She's wearing a juicy sweatsuit.

There's like a, you know what it is? I think he is like a child actor that maybe he doesn't want to be. There's a secret, there's like a subtle panic and dread in his eyes that I cannot ignore. It is really palpable to me. So do you think that this is more like pushing from the parents? I think I'm seeing, yeah, he's going to be writing a sequel to I'm glad my mom died. I mean, after I read that book, I just have firmly crossed over to the camp of a child actor as a job that should not exist. It should be done.

Because you can just do children's theater. Exactly. There's ways to act. And enjoy like. It's tough. But anyways. This kid has been in multiple Christmas movies. Oh, I bet.

That's funny that it's only all Christmas, though. I bet you get on the circuit, you know, like a vaudeville performer. Can't get out. Honestly, I've been trying to, recently I went out for my first soap opera audition, and I was like, I know that soap opera work is really, really hard and very upsetting. But what if I got into soap opera? It's like getting, it's like Mariska Haggerton with a lot of orchestra. She's like, I just had got the old.

only like reliable job an actor has ever gotten. Yeah, that's, that soap opera is the only gig that's like... Except they'll just kill you. Yeah, yeah. Sure. But Ed, you have to work every day because you're always having to put out new content.

Have you guys seen Soap Dish? It's one of my favorite movies. I love Soap Dish. It's one of my favorite movies of all time. Oh my God, MJ, you would love soap. Oh, yeah? It's the cast is insane. Kevin Klein, Sally.

Oh, okay. Like, it is from the comedy. about a Robert Downey Jr. Whoopi Goldberg, Elizabeth Chu, Robert. Okay, guys, we have to talk about what Heather Graham is doing right now. She just crawled out the window, fell out the second story window, into the snow. Brada. Why is she doing this?

In this sexy pants suit. I want this damn pantsuit. And there's like a sassy remix. Don't get over the snowman. A sugar plum fairy happening. What is her goal here? This woman needs help. It's very funny.

I'm actually resonating a little bit with being kind of here. evil, but also the most awkward kind of like bad luck receiving person of the holiday break. All right, here we are at the Christmas play. I don't think they should have made a movie centered around that person. That's like not a good person to like be the hero of a. Also at this point, there's no reason for them to stay. Go to your sisters. Right, the snow is gone.

Like I know that they're, right. The snow is gone. Yeah. If they can get to the Christmas pageant rehearsal, then you can get out of town. Oh my God. Look at her sitting there eating Cheetos. another product placement. Yeah, that's fun.

This is in the product placement. By the way, the Red Bull was so not explained. It was not a joke. I was expecting it to be a reference or a joke, but no, it's just a right now the Cheetos. Why is she sitting there eating Cheetos in front of everybody? Why is she did Cheetos at a like outdoor?

Okay. At least they're working it into the scene. Oh, because they're magic gloves. At least they're working it into the scene. Oh, man. That made a huge bag. That upset me. There's no way.

There is no way. Brandy eats Cheetos. Oh my God, not a million years. Look at her. I'm sorry, I shouldn't say it. Maybe she eats a couple Cheetos, but that became open in a bag for herself. No, he can't understand you.

You eat. I'm sorry. Have you seen the lady in the video who has the big bar of chocolate and the salad, and she smells the chocolate and eats the salad? And that's how she does it. Well, I didn't know. Just eat, it's moderation. Just eat a little bit.

It's so sad. She's taking these big inhales of the chocolate. You can eat any. anything you want in moderation. And then like eating the... If you want some chocolate, eat some chocolate. Ooh, Brandy's singing. Oh, Brady singing.

Everybody drinks. All right. I'm not upset, so we can't do the fireball. She's trying to get Jason Bixer. I'm happy. I'm happy about this. I love this. I'm cool with this.

I can't believe how much we like this. Maybe it's because we watch Dave and Christmas first. Yeah. Also, but also, I'm not in this camp with you. I don't think this is good at all. This is so... I'm not saying it's good, what I'm saying it's not. upsetting.

For a Hallmark. Yes, it's a Hummer movie. It's a better cast. Aalmer movie genuinely enjoy the Hallmark movies. Yeah, this is a Hallmark movie with a stellar cast. What are we complaining about? Netflix commenters? I mean, it doesn't make any sense.

I don't like Monkey Bob. No. I'll say you that much. I just want them to have sex in front of those camels. Also, I mean, we do have 45 more minutes. Yeah. No, I'll be upset. I'll be upset soon.

But also they're singing to no one. There's literally no one in the audience. One little girl. Oh, God, I hate when everybody starts singing. That's where I'm the brinch. Whenever someone starts singing and then everybody starts singing in a Christmas movie, it always pisses it. What about the scene in Elf at the end when they have to lift the Christmas spirit? I like that one.

I like that one. I like that one. Wow. I think that it's... We got a scrooge on our hands, people. A little bit of a scrooge. And I... You know what?

And I'm not saying I haven't cried to that scene before. But it's still a noise. Yeah, that's fair. It also, you know what it has to do with, though? It's the like, I'm the quirky girl. Yeah, yeah. I'm so quirky. I know.

I know. But then I was also... I know. But then also I was like, I forgot you have a really good voice. You know? She's an amazing voice. Because I want to be annoyed with her, but then she has a really good voice. I saw she and him live in concert.

that I could never do I couldn't even listen to she and him even though I know I would enjoy it just because I was so annoyed by the Oh I'm a manic pixie girl I know she's the original amount like the other girls Zoe Nashel is the manic pixie dream girl Like actually I think the essay about manic pixie dream girl

She's written about her And Eternal Sunshine If you think also like that also But also Central quirky Also also I will go to bat for what is it thousand days of summer or whatever 100 days of summer. It's great. And also, it's always Eternal Sunshine. And she totally does

the Manicpixie Dreamgirl in the 100 days of summer. And it actually, but it was very well done. It was very well done. Yeah, Heather Graham, you're really not wowing us in this. You are really being a bitch. Yeah. I mean, the fits. The fits. Yes. Wowing us. Oh, this is, this is a look

that I will never do, but like the tight shirt tucked into high-wasted jeans is such a good look. Oh my God. So hot. I've been doing it. it recently. I've been sliving that life. I bought myself. This is very sad. Old Navy does extra high-waisted pants now. And I've been doing the extra high-waisted with little tight shirts and with like a big belt buckle. I'm just saying, you can live those dreams if you wanted to. It's a really good. I see people do it and it looks great. But I also understand it emphasizes parts of your body that you don't want to emphasize. And mine is, I like the big old honkos. pouring out of my shirt. Yeah.

Can we just take a second to ask the question? How did Monkey Bob at all on any level possibly be able to rip off Santa's hat and beard like that? Because of the tree sap, before he went, I'm going to need a little bit of that tree sap. Oh. And here's all these hot air balloon. Yeah, the hot air balloon thing. All right, guys, it's 9 p.m. Easter standard time. If I don't take this fireball shot soon, my day is going to be ruined.

Let's do it. I think now we're mad that we are not. I think that's it. I think we're upset that we're not more upset. So you know what we need to do? Get drunker. Yeah. All right,

you've set it, MJ, and I'm with you. All right. I've got my Las Vegas shot glass from our tour. I love your shot glass. And I just want to say to everyone, happy holidays, we're going to take this.

I mean, I'm going to suck out of this bottle like it's a baby bottle. And this one goes out to you guys. Cheers. Happy holidays. Everybody, we love you. All right. That is, by the way,

the last of my fireball, unfortunately. Down the hatch. But that was perfect. He's always got extra. Run over to Holden's house. Give him some. Give me some. Let me give me some.

Yeah. I don't need a lot of fireball. I just need a little bit of that cinnamon to get me in the holiday spirit. I guess so. Spooky mistakes are the Halloween version, but what do we, I guess you just make a toddy with whiskey and fireball.

Okay, we have to discuss this before we get to Muppet Christmas, which may have already happened by the time of drink. during this, but anyway, it is, it is like a, somebody sent it to me. It's a shot glass, you rim it with frosting, and then you dip it and crush candy canes. And then the shot is, I think, Fireball, and I can't remember what else. It does look disgusting, but I do think we could find, like, a festive, rimmed drink, you know, that involves Fireball. What's the other thing? I've got to find it. It's Rum Chata. Rum Chata. Thank you. It's Rum Chata and Fireball and frosting. They're called King Cake shots.

Oh, if it tastes like King Cake, count me in. I mean, honestly, I love rumchata. We drink rumchata all day on Christmas. I don't think I've had Mumchata. Oh my God, MJ, you are going to flare. Really? I'm a Coquito, bitch. I fucking love Coquito. Oh, if you love Coquito, you're going to like the makings of a rum chattah. I guarantee.

All right, Ben's Warehouse. Yeah. I'm being a little bit of a men's warehouse over a year. All right. What's happening here? I've lost track. They're loving each other. It was his mom's dollhouse.

It was from Appalita. And Heather Graham was just being, oh, my God, Heather Graham. She's about to break the dollhouse. Oh, no. Heather Graham, you bitch. Heather Graham. Just, I, yeah, it's one of those movies just about the most hateful, awful, protagonist, you're just like, it's like,

it's like nothing but trouble or something. You know what I mean? It's just like everyone's unlikable. Everyone. No one's, I guess it's not too though. Yeah, Jackie's. Well, apparently the people I'm supposed to be rooting against, they are the most likable, perfect.

I mean, that's all their whole pretense is that they are, it's very meet the parent sees what this vibe is. Yeah, like she doesn't notice. No, Brandy, I think we're supposed to identify with Brandy in this situation. I think we're supposed to think Heather Graham's a bitch. The problem is you, Jackie, take a shot. Oh, take a shot.

Jason Biggs is going to get out of a soapbox. You're a bitch. Jason Biggs, taking it down, bro. My wife is a bitch. Maybe you're imperfect kids. Wow. Dude, they are still in the room. Can you not?

Oh, my God, nothing is as, man, Jeff and I were having, like, not a fight, but like more of, like, a stern discussion before walking into a party with other people the other day. And someone came up walking down the sidewalk, went into the street to walk around us. And then Jeff was like, hey. And then in the middle of our like stern discussion, they came over like, oh, hey, guys, but they had definitely seen us and were definitely avoiding us on the street. And then we brought them into our weird energy.

And I was like, why did you bring her into our? into our weird energy. Yeah, that's a violation, Jeff. But he's like, well, we made eye contact and I didn't want her to think that I was just ignoring her. You let her think it. She obviously saw that we were having to scurge. She's right.

That reminds me of like, every time I, because if I would see somebody, especially on my morning commute on the subway into work, that moment where you like, you have to kind of decide, where you're like, I don't think they saw me and I'm, I would always try to not be seen, right? Oh, yeah.

I'd always try to not be and get away with it. Fucking the worst. Think about this. You're on your car driving home, driving to work in the morning. You're miserable, you're tired, you can't even talk. Yeah. You haven't even set a word out loud yet. And then all of a sudden someone just pops into your car.

And then you run into a great. Yeah. That you, even though you love them, you, the last thing you would have to do is having My brother was famous for this because he always reads on the train and he lived on the L train and there was a million other comics who lived on the L train and he would always just be like, I'm so happy to see you, hello, I'm going to continue reading my book and we are not going to chat. And it was like, everyone was like, thank you. Like everyone was so happy that would like set that boundary. Seriously. I've absolutely done it for me like, bro, I'm fucking so exhausted. I like. And everyone always understands. Everyone's always happy. Yeah. But often I've been. feeling too polite and like just It was harder at night on the way home We just had this because we never go out at night But we went out at night

And then we ran into like a parent friend on the way home And the subway car and I was like Hey what's up? And then I was like oh maybe he didn't want to talk Maybe he doesn't want to talk From work, I'm tired I'm drunk yeah Yeah I was like

You know had a couple drinks and I was like I was going to a holiday party what are you up to He's like I'm on my way home from work Like let's chat Oh man that there was nothing quite like that if I was on the train, especially at like 4.45 in the morning when you see someone on the train that was drunk from the night before and I'm like, I'm going to work and I am hung over and I do not want to fucking talk to you right now.

Okay. Look at how good Jackie's being. Can we just get it up for Jackie, please? I might actually, though, you know how sometimes we tip over into the realm of character who's too good, you know? Real quick, how many piercings does she have in her ear? Her ears are cool. I didn't notice.

Her ears is cool that I have no grievances with Brandy's ears right now. My grievance is that I actually don't think that they've made her into a bitch at all. And I think if this bitch, the only way that Heather Graham's behavior makes sense is if Brandy's at least a little bit of a bitch. It's like annoyingly perfect, but instead she's just perfect. But that's it. She's just annoyingly perfect. I mean, there are people like that that exist. But she's not annoying.

That's the problem. You know what I mean? I must think they should have switched these characters. Yes, yes. Yes, because Brandy's like. sympathetic and nice, and her being like the one who Heather Graham hates, it makes Heather Graham look like a cyclopath. Heather Graham kind of immediately is like, oh, you're so hot and whatever,

you must be like a total bit. She has that kind of look. It's like, you must be kind of a bit. Yeah, I agree. Brandy playing the like fumbling insecure one would have been funnier, I think. Yeah, totally. I mean, I know that Heather Graham is like a comedic actress and she is very funny. But also I can't pull off a poncho like Jackie has, right?

I can't pull off a poncho if I start going poncho life. You couldn't, you've been pulling off a lot. You think so? You've been pulling off a bucket ad. I think you can pull off a poncho. I've been trying new things. Oh my God, is poncho 24? Yeah, everybody gets ready for Jackie's new season, whatever she announces, 24.

And always just dress like you're, yeah, the man with no name, like you're in a Western. What if it was one of those ponchos? Do you remember the ones that like hot stoner boys wore when we were in middle school? You know, the like woven, like hooded. You know exactly what I mean. You know exactly what I mean. I fucked a burner or two in my day. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know the ones. They're at the bank. Why are they at the bank? They're trying to buy a house. What? The little, I like this little girl. She's yelling at the banker. But also can this little girl explain to me like taxes and things that I don't know anything about?

Because I feel like this little girl knows a lot more than I do. Whoa. I mean, it's giving it's a wonderful life. You know, they're at the bank. Yes. Got to have a bank scene in a Christmas movie. Do you have this many Christmas themed outfits? I feel like I'm really lacking.

That's what I'm thinking. I'm like, I need like a seasonal scarf. You know, I need a seasonal. Yeah, but then you can't wait. Then you do, what do you stop wearing it after Christmas? Exactly. No, I don't like, I don't, no, I don't like the kids. I don't like the kids.

They piss me out. Unprompted. Is it about to be a musical? What the fuck is this scene? They're just snapping. I don't know what's happening in the scene. Oh, is she going to try and recreate the doll house? Did she buy the, what house?

Yeah, why are they buying a house? This is the thing, too. Now it kind, it kind of had a plot and now they've already resolved. Yeah. They had the resolution that one would have at the end of the movie now. So act three is just like ambling. Them getting along? Yes, we are only about two thirds of the way through the movie and they've already solved the central conflict,

which is between Heather Graham and Brandy and they're fine now. So now what happens? Yeah, so now we have no. We're plotting. They got to put the dollhouse back for Christmas in two days. Like that can fucking happen. Right. That means that the last 30 movies is just going to be Christmas celebrations with no, with even fewer

mistakes than before. Go to your sister's house. Yeah. You are driving to the bank. Yeah. Just go to your sister's house. Drive to your sister's house. That is the biggest plet hole in this movie. They are driving to the bank.

They are driving to the Christmas pageant. Somebody will probably correct to be like, well, at one point they had this small discussion about how they were going to stay for no reason. Now they're having a house. Well, she just asked, like, they were about to leave to go to her sisters and she was like, please stay. And then she stayed. So they did have that.

Now they're talking about the, but they need a strong foundation just like the dollhouse. And I'm sorry, that's an incanto. You're stealing that metaphor from Enkanto. Yeah, but also, could you imagine, like, if your sister planned for you to be there

for Christmas and you didn't fucking show up, how much shit you'd get for not coming to Christmas? Well, oh, man, they're getting, wow. Okay. They're sucking on each other. That's what is happening. She's a weird kisser. I'm sorry, Hold on it.

Weird. Really weird kissing. But I know, but they still get, oh, they still got to make it out of her pussy? Dude, you know he was kind of getting a hafers. Jason Wings kissing heaven. Yeah, he was like, yeah, I'll do it. I'll do the project. I get to kiss Heather Graham.

Jesus. I think that this kid should go to a psychiatrist, the fact that, or maybe just a therapist, the fact that he speaks through the monkey. That's got to be, like, do your kids speak through their loved, things? No, I mean, we've got a third child, which is a lovey. Which is, and his name is Bob, right? Yeah. That's amazing. And sometimes she'll personify him a little bit, but she knows that, you know, I mean, he means a lot to her, but he's, he's not like a sentient being, you know. Yeah. What?

But he is my third child. Whenever I go anywhere, I count three. How did she do this in an hour? I know. Fucking A, you have to task grab at that shit out. I'm about to buy my kids a dollhouse for Christmas and I'm literally considering, can I afford to task grab at the assembly of the dollhouse out? I think that's a great idea. I am, I'm like 30 voices at this point.

I'm probably like 20 voices I have for different. There's the Space Man, which is this crocheted among us character. There's the moon, which is, hello, Woody. Space Man talks like. and I'm like, and now at 7.30 in the morning, she wants to have a tea party with all of them. Oh, that's fun. And I've got to like. Oh, that's fun.

And I'm just out of my mind and I'm like, I have this space. Yeah. That's cute that she'll go up to and be like, it's like how, you know, page seven listeners are also familiar with many Holden characters. So it's cute that when he's like, Space Man Jenkins. And I have to be, she always wants tea with the lady. I have to be the lady. The lady talks with a British accent. Oh, Winnie.

Oh, that's cute, Alden. That's really cute. That's really cute. It's fun. It's fun. I'm liking it. Yeah, you'll enjoy big kidhood. I'm really, every day I'm like, wow, big kidhood is so much fun.

Well, she's all right. She cracks me the fuck up, dude. Wait, what are we looking for? A kid is missing? What? What happened? We spent 10 seconds talking about Holden being a cute dad and now a child is missing. And the child's just missing.

Also, what is this fucking piss poor version of this amazing? Amazing Christmas song, arguably the best Christmas song of all time. They probably couldn't afford the real one. Yeah, the real one. Also, I'm sorry to insult Heather Graham's acting again, but I just, she is not a person whose child is missing right now. There he is. No.

No, not at all. Oh, he's at the bar. Well, because he found out Santa's not real. And he's drinking Udon? He's having some soup. Oh, this is, oh my God, what's wrong with me? What is wrong with me? I'm charmed by this movie.

take me out to the pasture and kill me you guys MJ we gotta get rid of MJ MJ's gotten too soft yeah you're apparently lived my life and it's ready to be done what was it was the Lindsay Lohan movie last year we all loved it we were just monsters but we oh we did like it what was the movie we were like evil about I forget was it the I don't know it was high school musical two high school musical two that we were filled with

that wasn't about the movie We were upset about something else, but all three of us were upset. And I think it was high school musical too. Yeah, I think it was two. You're right. I think it was too. Bad on it. Bad on it.

Bad on it. Yeah, it was like amply singing. Bad on it. No, but then we watched the Lindsay Lohan holiday movie last year. And similarly, we expected to hate it. And we all were like, this is great. I don't think this is great, but it's definitely not like, I don't know. I think they're all like this.

Yes. I don't think they're good. But I think they're all like this. This is exactly like every other one. So why am I going to be more mad at it? So I don't see how this is particularly terrible compared. The cast is good. I'm enjoying watching all of these people.

Robot vacuum of death. That's a funny headline. It's also, I will say it's weirdly cheaply made. Like this newscaster right here looks like he's. I agree. Again, AI straight up. And I'm trying to figure out, because they have they figured out that that's part of the aesthetic of a hallmark movie is that it's made poorly. So even though they can afford these, like, pretty good actors, they're like, let's not invest in anything else.

Something tells me they didn't make it poorly on purpose. Yeah. But also, why was Brandy just looking at a picture of a hot air balloon? I'm really looking to see how this hot air balloon is going to come to pass. Yeah, this is a finale of the movie's going to be all of them in a hot air balloon. I mean, of course, what is she, the queen of aviation? 26 minutes. What?

Oh, by the way, yeah. What is the plot right? Yeah. Does she own the robot vacuum company? We resolved the plot of the kid being missing. Now we're, and then they saw the newscast of the. Bankruptcy for the robot vacuum. For the robot vacuum.

She must be a CEO for the robot vacuum company. And she's like, I don't have a good life. You have a good life, Brandy. Oh. Dead kid. Oh, this. This is, we're going to find out. There was a kid.

The kid's going to be dead. There was the other kid. What's going to happen to the second kid? In Kosovo. She's about to tell us what happened to that other kid. Oh my God, I wish I had more fireball. I bet he's not dead, but I'll bet he's like, has, has, this having a mental health breakdown. No, that's what it is.

No, I think he's dead. I don't know. She just grabbed the charm around her neckl of him. Maybe he's a drunk. Yes, that's what I'm saying. If I want everyone getting drunk, if I was right, everybody's getting drunk. Everybody's getting, we're ruining our day tomorrow. Dude, if he's in like rehab, it's going to be so.

But I hope it's not something offensive. I hope it's not like, yeah, like, right. I do. I want it to be offensive. I know, I wanted to be. Squid Games the challenge is what I want right now. Oh my God, we finished it. Did you finish it, Holden?

M.J, you got to watch Squid Game the Challenge, bro. How do I sell my husband on it? It's great. Watch, just want, throw on the, have you guys watched original Squid Games? You don't need to. Oh, man. But you don't. But you don't.

need to, but you'd love that too. It's intense, intense competition show for like four million. People are put through hell for $4 million. Okay. We've been working our way through our flight means death season two, which has not moved me as much as season one did, but it's still very good. But you know that, it is very good. It's not a slog, but, you know, it's like...

And the original TV show, which was not a reality competition, well, it was a fake reality competition. You know, it was a fictional show. they would actually die. They would get killed for like when they lost. This game, they get squibs pop on them and like they have to pretend to die. Oh, that's fun. Okay, I want to watch it.

Yeah. I don't know there's celebrities there or they're just regular people? Just regular people. Why do they kiss so weird? All of their kisses are so weird. So weird. It's like they kiss like people who aren't attracted to that gender. You know what I mean?

Yes. Yes. By the way, I'm so. that entire scene. What was the deal with that? Do you know, Jackie? Something about a house, something about,

I think she's trying to buy a different house because she let him down because it's something to do with the vacuum, but I'm not quite sure. I think that's the main issue here. The plot is completely... That she's upset with her life. I think she's upset with her life.

And it's weird. She's like a business bitch. It's weird because like, the one thing you can usually set your watch on by, like, with these kind of Christmas-type Hallmark movies is like the plot is so by the numbers. It's like predictably by the numbers. This just like refuses to have a plot.

It's just crazy. Now she crashed. How did that even happen? The fact that she's surprised every time she sees her child's lovey makes no sense. You're going to see that thing every hour of the day. You're going to be checking on it every time you're with your children. It's not going to scare you. Numb to it.

Yeah. I literally count Bob. my kids lovey when we're going on to the subway I'm like one kid two kid Bob Yeah because if you lose Bob Yes my life It's game over My life is over

Your life is over Yeah dead kid bro Definitely dead kid I can't believe that there's gonna be a dead kid It's not confirmed yet I can't believe It's not confirmed yet Oh come on MJ

She just said she always gets sad This time of year This time of year Come on Why would she Why would Brandy be lying about having a dead kid. The largest smile on my face

that for a dead kid that there should ever be. I can't, you know. This is the only time you're allowed to smile about it. I see four stockings and then I was like, wait, wasn't there another kid in the opening? And yeah, there was. He built.

They brought him up later on. They said he moved in Kosovo. But was he killed in Kosovo? Uh-oh. Graham's putting it all this time of year. She's sad, Heather Graham, you idiot. Daniel Jennings Memorial Fund I am the champion of this man

Wait wait it's a secret that he's dead But he has a billboard about a memorial fund Make it make sense That has your fireball Maybe I can't believe this I'm so sad I'm a little bit like I'm gonna just suck out of the Why is it a secret?

Daniel Jenningsville fun To suck it on the fireball Could anyone make it make sense why it's how he has a billboard and she's also lying about him being alive tell me because she can't handle it mj what oh my god i can't believe there's a dead kid jackie oh my god you're making me eat my hat i'm literally eating my hat we're shooting you're gonna you got to shoot you got to shoot bet i said three i don't think i could do three and he you don't have to do three it's not 30 pia um he loves the hot air balloons oh he's dead

She's in the dead kids. I can't take three fireball shots at 6.30 p.m. here. Multiple. Rubik's cubes. Oh, he's dead. It's not something you just put in the holiday newsletter. How long has he been dead? But isn't something you lie about in the holiday newsletter, Frannie?

Yeah, you don't lie about. And you'd say, continue to say that he's alive. Don't just, I love this. I can't believe there's 10 kids. In the hot air balloon! No. No. Oh, no.

Oh, my God. My God. Late son, it's confirmed. There's a newsletter that says there's a late son. He's confirmed dead. Definitely dead. Did he die in the hot air balloon, though? I need to know.

She's the queen of aviation. I can't believe. I didn't think that I was right now. She didn't send out a newsletter this year because he probably recently died. Then why would she feel bad around this time of year? Every year, right? Yes, good question, Holden.

Yeah. We started a foundationist's name. Like he did it all, but it was a lie. Okay, she's making it make sense. I said make it make sense and she's doing it. Thank you, Brandy. Making it make sense. They're doing it.

It does make a lot of sense. Heather Graham is really phoning this scene and she's like, uh-huh, I'm sad for you. Ah, I'm sure dead kid. Okay. How dead your kid. Okay. Oh, hot air. How do you die, hot air balloon?

Oh, yeah. I can't believe it. Bob, it dies into the fire. This was Daniel's biggest dream, but did he die in it? Was it his dream that killed him? He died in this very, like, all the way up in the air. He died in this very hot air, very hot air balloon. I can't believe this.

I really hope that this has been fun for the listeners for Jackie to call this early and then have it happen. I just thank you. I just want to say, like, thank you to everybody. Thank you to anyone who's ever watched a homework Christmas movie before. Thank you for joining us. I guess I'm the queen of aviation now. And it's like, it's going to be a new world for me, 2024. Okay, how did he die?

We all need to shut the fuck up for a second. All right, in the hospital. He died in the hospital. So not in an air balloon. I promised him that someday I would build us a balloon to take us around the world. He's environmentally friendly because I was big to him. It's solar powered. So she made it. Solar power.

Randy. That's impossible. That is impossible. That makes no sense. And the balloon is going to be the star of Bethlehem. Are they not going to tell us how he died? Of course they're not going to tell us. It's just going to be a mystery.

I choose to believe in my head cannon he died in higher balloon. I think he died and maybe he was killed by trying to make a solar powered head. air balloon. Yeah, exactly. He's trying to make an energy, but it's impossible because you can't make a flame ignite using solar energy that makes no sense.

Wow, they're not even going to tell us how this kid died. How dare they? Hot air balloon. He tried to make a solar hot air balloon. It's just idiotic. We're going with that. It was a hot air balloon accident.

You would need, think about that. Think about how a solar energy could create a giant like live flame which is what you- I can't believe there's a dead kid I really was not expecting that I can't believe oh and now we're gonna go up that's awesome it's night time that makes so much sense though yeah of course it had to be

how you go in the solar high air balloon at night time if I remember there was a fourth kid in the opening I would have been like yeah you're right dead kid I had forgotten she's going up in it she's gonna die maybe no oh god and she's gonna marry the hot husband crazy hot air balloon looks like a U.S. it looks like they're really trying to name she's going to die she's only like 12 feet up she's not going to die look look what what is happening solar batteries are fully charged something's wrong with a control panel why are you doing this alone why don't you have your husband the father of the dead

child see i was just making comment on like how are they going to sell this because you need like a giant open flame to like create the propellant to make that and they just did this weird They just made up a thing. UFO? Independence Day. Well, watch, we're going to get an email from somebody that's like, I actually invented solar hot air balloons. And if you're that person, maybe there is. I don't know.

Email us. Monkey Bob is on the thing, too. So something's going to happen with that. Oh, they're talking about the vacuum. Oh, they're both science. Okay. Stem bitches. We love a stem bitch.

Stem bitches. I am just, I'm upset. Now I'm upset. It didn't. Because she's using magic gloves. That's how? Oh my God, she's putting her gloves on the thing and now it's working. Why would you ever trust this?

You're about to be hundreds of feet in the air. Yeah. Please, it's magic gloves. I've been in a hot air balloon. It's scary. It's fun, but it's very scary. You don't want to do an experiment in a hot air balloon, okay? Oh, you don't want to go up that rickety ladder up into it, too?

What is happening? This is so weird and done. They're really leaving it to our imagination to figure out how the kid died. You are still on the dead. I'm fixated about it. I'm so happy to get. This is so idiotic.

This is how is what happened. This is so stupid. Who, I'm upset. Where are the dads? Oh, is monkey bob? They're at the Christmas show, MJ. If you were the fuck. of the dead kid and your wife did the thing that meant so much to him without you.

Wouldn't you want to be there? With your fucking ex-boyfriend's wife. Oh my God. Oh, yeah. Let's talk about branding while we're doing a memorial for a dead child. I'm, this is so fucking. I can't believe this. I really hope this has been fun for the people.

Oh, no, it's going to grab Santa. And then he's going to fly through the air And people are going to be like, it's Santa. It's Santa. That can't hold the whole sleigh. It's the way to the sleigh. These are stem bitches. I don't know if you remember that, MJ?

Yes, they're going to see Santa in the sky. Yeah, monkey bob should be burned up in the hot end. This little boy's going to get his will to live back because he's going to think Santa's real, which he's on the, he's on the fence for how old he should be to realize it. But I say that as a person who believed in Santa Tila. I was like, what the fuck is happening?

Why would, they just kissed. Why is she? This is ridiculous. They kissed. It's ridiculous. So she put Monkey Bob around her back and now she's getting into the sleigh under the hot air balloon. To go be Santa.

Because they can't fly through Town Square without a person. This is so not. Finally, the movie, now I get it. It's so stupid. I'm drinking more fireball. Yes.

But I just want to point out that it's this still doesn't take it out of the category of generic Hallmark movie. No. But it's bad. It is bad. It's up there. It's pretty bad. That makes no sense why she would put her life in danger just so that there was someone riding in the sleigh that went over. Also.

I mean, it's no saving Christmas, but it's pretty fucking bad. The child didn't mention her dead sibling at all. This whole time? I guess not. I guess we all agree. Yeah, that's not that sad. This is so dumb. Now she gets all the attention.

I mean, at that age, isn't that kind of all you're thinking about? Right? More presents. Grief presence. Grief presence. Oh, my God. I'm in shock. This is so dumb.

I can't believe this. I hate this. This is so stupid. Best, Chris. This is such a forced thing. She's going to die. for Christmas and then they're going to have two dead people in this movie. Well, that'd be nice to have a dead mother and a dead sibling.

Ugh. I'm a science bitch. Another STEM bitch. Yeah. Yeah, man. This movie is overflowing with STEM bitches. Isn't it nice to see him? Yes, this is what we want.

Fund women in STEM. Girls and women in STEM. Jason Biggs, man, he just collected that paycheck. Yeah, he really, really didn't do a whole lot. I feel like this is such a classic for movies like these two. I bet they never resolve like the fact that the other, the Brandy's husband was clearly like coming on to Heather Graham this whole movie. Yeah, and they could have had sex and that would have been awesome.

Or what about that fucking denial that the mom is in that she also needs to go get some therapy to figure out how she can process and talk about it? Jackie slash Brandy, it needs some help. Thank you. I'm not talking about Jackis. Both of us. Both of us, MJ, don't get me started. But do you guys remember that this time last year, we were on tour together?

We were having our little holiday romps. Yeah. I feel like holidays aren't as magical without you. I know. I feel the same way. I have no one to watch my shitty Hallmark movies with it. I know. I loved being in an hotel lobbies decorated for Christmas with you. Oh, I loved it.

It was really nice. I made you feel like it was Christmas. I know. And I don't feel that this year. I know. I'm not feeling it yet either. I'm pretending I am, and that's the spirit of Christmas. It's pretending.

Yeah. It just showed up, guys. Who's there? Just real Santa. Oh, real Santa. Oh, real Santa. Oh, it's, it's. Right?

Brady's just going to fly into the sky. Real Santa. I think it's real Santa. Yeah, yeah, it's real Santa. Ew, he turned into smoke. He vaporized. Man. He vaporized.

No, I think that you're just, I think you've been tripping nuts this entire time, Heather Graham. I don't think you should believe in Santa after this. I think Brandy is blind with grief, which we didn't realize for the entire movie. And they're all saying Merry Christmas, Danny. It's kind of funny people being so upset about this movie, too, now that we know it's, like, sitting around like a dead kid. Like, they're like, fuck that dead kid. Fuck that dead kid.

All the kid. That one reviewer that was, like, essentially saying, all the kids should have died. singing what child is this right now? The dead one. Is that the answer? The dead one. The dead one. She's back.

Jason Biggs divorce her. Jason Biggs got such an easy, nice little gig for this. Get that cheddar, Jason Biggs. Be with Jackie. You got to just kind of smile and nod his head for an entire movie. I am in shock. No, he got to make out with Heather Graham. So I mean, maybe he paid to be in the movie.

You know what I need? I need a dance scene, a la the dance scene at the end of saving Christmas. And I think we might be about to get it. And saving Christmas, by the way, way worse, right? Well, the worst thing I've ever said on page seven is that I actually kind of enjoyed that dance scene. I thought it was fun. It's so long. It's very long.

It goes off forever. The rap, like, thing or like, and it's a remix to Angels we have heard on high, which. which is bad. Yes. It goes on for so long. Sorry, we're listening to Little Girl's speech right now. We're listening to this little girl.

I'm, I like her. I'm, no. No, now I visually hate her. She's so annoying. Yeah, no, it's very annoying. If you knew her in real life, you'd be annoyed with her.

I know, the song by Brandy. Smart kids. If you cast Brandy, you got to let her sing at least two songs. Oh, yes. I would be upset if she wasn't fucking singing in this movie. Yeah.

It's all we have. That's it? Oh, credits. That's it. We're really ending it with Santa Claus's coming to town. You give me a dead child and you're going to end it with Santa Claus's coming to town. How did he die? Tell us how we died.

I want to go out of God. Why did you say he was in Kosovo? That's what I need to know. He was obsessed with a thing that takes you very high up in the air and have issues. Was he killed? Well, maybe the Kosovo thing was from last year. It must have been from last year? Or did he die in Kosovo?

Was he? a soldier? You know what I mean? Like, what happened? He tried to help a village of people. They stabbed him in his sleep. Like, I don't even think there's a war in Kosovo since the 90s, but I don't, I'm not really, I'm not sure what happened to him. Oh my God. Maybe we'll find out in the after credits. Maybe they'll show me. And maybe the after he has to be like, by the way, this is how he died. I can't, can I just say, can everyone congratulate me? Yes. I can't believe my pie in the sky bullshit and It's a Christmas miracle. This is a Christmas miracle.

And I hope you believe in Christmas miracles now because of this. If you didn't believe in God before this podcast started. Dead children. Nothing. Oh, Holden, say it again. Nothing says Christmas like the dead child. I mean, that is the meaning of the season. Holden, yes. This is the reason for the season.

A dead, well, he was an adult by the time he dead. Oh, and now they holiday together. Why is she dressed like Jesus? She's not very good Heather Graham at being like expressive with her voice. Agree. That's why I think she's a weird actor. She doesn't change, ever modulate her voice. It's always the same.

She's very monotone. Also, the lobster claws are very weird. I am like out of breath. I'm so shocked by this movie. I can't believe there was a dead kid. They got a house. And they got the house. Okay. Are we really going to put that up there with, you know, healing from your dead child?

Yes, MJ, especially when that kid doesn't exist in the newsletter anymore. You know why? Too sad. So the kid doesn't exist anymore. Wow. Bye, bye, Daniel. Oh, I'm so glad. Young Sheldon is what they tell me to watch next. Oh, they told me to watch the Super Barrio Brothers movie. Fuck you, young Sheldon. Okay, that's fun. Wow. I can't believe that. Yeah, thoughts, thoughts, M.J. What are you? How do we feel?

Yeah, let's have a, let's have a, let's have a, let's have a little debrief. Yes. You know, I'm saying that I'm upset and I am upset. But am I happy we watched it? Yes. You bet I am. Oh, yeah. So that's where I'm at.

What do you guys think? Especially because I can't watch these movies with, my husband hates any of these movies. Same. Same hard. movies alone. That's the thing. So it's nice to watch it with other people. Yes.

And I just want to say thank you to everyone who is listening to us watch this. And I hope that you also have no one else to watch these movies with. And I hope that this encouraged you to watch this movie along with us. Because like honestly, if more shows came out that did this, I would watch, I would be able to watch more of my Hallmark Christmas movies that I want to watch. Agreed. Because I would feel like I'm not watching it alone. Exactly.

You want more dead kids in your content. I say kill all the kids. And I say that for every Christmas. Every kid in the movie, dead. Kill them off. Because you know what's the best part about Christmas? Not having any kids. And I say this every Christmas, guys.

There you go. Yeah, I don't live with the magic of a child. And oh, seeing the eye, the Christmas through their eyes. No. You had her I was seeing the eye. I'm fireballed and alone. I enjoyed the movie more than I thought I would, but I still hated it. I think it was dumb and bad.

And I think what sold it was that whole hot air balloon ending with Heather Graham. I do wonder that this movie actually wouldn't be as hated, though. I hate to say this about Heather Graham, because I do like her in things, but this wasn't a good part for her. And I wonder if maybe a more exciting, gripping, you know, maybe like, um, What's his name from Oppenheimer? Like that guy, like if he was the main guy. Yeah. Yeah, Killian Murphy maybe or something like that would have been.

I do wish that Killian Murphy had been like, you know what? After I'm done with Oppenheimer, I'm going to go ahead and pivot to what's this movie called Best Christmas Ever. I wanted Brandy's husband to fuck Heather Graham and then they just dropped that whole storyline. And I'm sorry. I don't care what happens with your fucking hot air balloon. If it's the first Christmas after your child died, it's not going to be the best Christmas ever. It's not the best Christmas ever.

Yeah, and by the way, you're insane for lying about it and writing about how he's alive. Wait, wait, wait. Yes, he was in Pocos. So she didn't put, She didn't lie. She didn't put out a newsletter this year. And last year, she was like, he was, he made a foundation

that we started for his death. Yeah, I think he died. I think a bunch of people stabbed. to death in his sleep, that is what I'm going on. How old was he and what could, because that's, if he's like 10, we're talking different options. He fell into one of the wells that he built. Oh, my God. I just think that this is very upsetting on every level.

All right, we got to get out of here. It's very upsetting. I, I, I, I am rewatching this montage just real fast. His work continues helping to avert the humanitarian crisis in Africa and building a water purification system that'll bring fresh and, clean water to thousands. Are they implying he was just killed, randomly killed, or maybe a disease?

Or maybe a disease. It could have been some kind of like, you know, he got, yeah, I don't know what, I don't know what would happen out there, but. You know, mineral war thing happening? I'm going to stomp to death by an elephant. That's what I'm going with, actually. It has to be. I hope so.

Honestly, I don't want it to be anything else. You okay, Jackie? Sorry, I'm having a sneeze attack while I'm trying to watch this montage. up top in the beginning. I'm glad you went back because they do suggest that he died as a soldier in Kosovo, but it sounds like that was a lie. That was a lie. And only 10 years old, he was 10. He was 10? What? He became the youngest person ever ex-oh, no, that's her daughter. And our oldest son, Daniel, his work continues helping to avert humanitarian crisis in Africa. So he's older than 10, old enough to be sent to-

I say old enough to die. Old enough to die. Old enough to be set to Kosovo, old enough to die. That is what we want to end this season's greetings episode with my kid died in Kosovo. Kosovo, Kosovo. Take me to die in Kosovo. Your kid died, it happened.

You know what it needs. He needs a hot air balloon. He needs a hot air balloon and that will keep him alive. Yeah. Solar powered. It's such a dumb idea. That would never work in a million years. I'm like, you know, I have no knowledge.

But didn't you see the fan holding there was a fan attached? It's what it must work. There was some, like, glowing wires. That's just not how hot air balloons work at all. How are you going to feel when your son died and then you died? And then you died. And now your husband has only your very smart daughter. I know. Don't risk your own life right now. Your family needs you, Jackie.

Honestly, I kind of want to see the sequel where, like, Brandy dies in a hot air balloon accident, and then Jason Biggs fucks off, and then Heather Graham gets with Valentino. Yeah. I'll watch that. I love it. Yeah. Yeah. There's no grieving in that movie. I'm glad we figured out the sequel. For sure. The squeak one. Not a second of it. All right. Thank you, everybody for joining us. The movie ended a little while ago, by the way. I don't know if you hit Stop. or not, or if you're already watching something else. Oh, I stopped it. Very, very.

Take care, everybody. We'll, yeah, we'll be back next year with more page seven. You stop that. Isn't that fun? Tis the damn season. Have a good one, everybody. Thank you guys so much for joining us for this. You know what?

Not worst movie we've watched on one of these watch-alongs. So thank you guys so much for hanging out with us during best Christmas ever. since my kid died, I really appreciate it. I don't know. It is the best Christmas. That's weird. Best Christmas since my kid died.

And can we just give it up for me? Yes. Can we give it up for Jackie the character as well for me? Because I pulled that out of my ass. I did not actually think that was going to happen. And I can't believe that it did. And also, I want to give it up to my beautiful,

I'm holding my drink up to cheers. I want to give it up, too, for the fact that I've got the eagle eye that noticed the four stockings on the chimney, even though I wasn't listening. Even though the biggest giveaway was the kid's intro. I was not listening to the intro, Holden, but I just want to give it up for my eagle eye and say thank you to Jackie in the movie and out of the movie. But also, thank you to Holden and MJ for joining us for another amazing watchalong. And to all of you guys, I hope that you got through the holidays in one piece. And we'll be back next week, and I can't freaking wait. Here's to you.

Here's to us. Let's get drunk and let's fuck on a bus. Cheers. Have it going, everybody. We'll talk to you soon. Bye, guys. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors, you can support our shows by supporting them.

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