Page 7 - English Boyhood w/ Jake Young

Episode Date: April 2, 2026

This week Page 7 is joined by LPN's Very Special Boy Jake Reacher (née Young) to goss' 'bout the terrors of middle school and MJ's here to SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT on his relationship with Right Said Fred, John Cena had to give TikTokist Harry Daniels a crash course in manners, speaking of which this leads into a discussion on the societal implications of the Jack Reacher videos. In lighter news, Shaq himself said Big Diesel DIDN'T send those noxious DMs to Sabrina Carpenter but Shaq Truther Jake has got some conspiracy theories since the only ones backin' him up are makin' moooooney, Jackie's just tryin' to make everyone care about the KitKat heist! Then we got a list of some good ole' Scandalous Celebrity FACTS! Blindz that demand some memory retention from last week. Next we got an international Jackie's Snackies, thanks to a very thoughtful Jackin' chatter, starting @ 1:04:01.696 (with bonus Jake Teacher info dump) followed by an MJ's Minute Munchies copy pasta from last week (also thanks for a very kind listener!) starting @ 1:10:44.609, and FINALLY a bonus Jakey's Slakeys that transcends coasts @ 1:13:49.536 all til @ 1:25:49.139, plus even more on this week's Page 7! Want even more Page 7? Support us on Patreon! Patreon.com/Page7Podcast Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

A little sad recently, I know about what. But sometimes when you're feeling a little sad, sometimes you've got to put on the Night of the Rocksbury soundtrack and remind yourself that, It's a beautiful life, oh, oh. It's a beautiful life. Oh, oh. It's a beautiful life.

Oh, oh. I just want to be here beside you. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Stay until the break off down. Yes, a little bit of beautiful life for you. The Night of the Roxbury soundtrack is lit.

And I know nobody says that anymore. That's an old thing to say. But I don't know what the new thing to say is. Welcome, Jake. The kids can't stop talking about the real McCoy. Don't you dare. Neaties, Euro tech tracts. That, you know that they are,

I think that the Night of the Rocksbury soundtrack is going to come back around. And while maybe nobody wants to watch a movie about two guys hurting their necks that are in on women that don't want to be hit on. But the soundtrack is a bop. Okay, I need to break up the list. Yo. What is love? I mean, of course. Yes.

And then this is your night dancing free until the morning light. Yeah, the phone never goes. And then, yes, there's, do you think I'm sexy? There's, want to beat my lover. Never want to beat my lover. So this is the thing. Right, Jake, I'm selling you. I can feel it in the room I'm selling Jake on the soundtrack.

This is the thing is what, this music was written for like European, like, 19 year olds doing what I can only assume are pills that have not been produced since like 2003. Oh yeah. Like debauchery, like danger. Oh, yeah. Suckfucks, the likes of which the human race will never see again. Oh, man, when you bring up suckfucks, you know that's all me, all vamp all day. But for me, all of these songs are bar mitzvah music. That's the thing.

That's the thing is like, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. And just me in an ill-fitting three-piece suit, just like trying to get Shoshana to dance with me. And did she, Jake? Did she? Out of pity, yes. Oh, I bet she loved you. We always love to dance with the wallflowers, you know? Oh, man, that's so good.

I loved being at the bar and the bat mitzvahs. I loved being able to pull the wallflowers. And even though they were just desperate, like, please don't, don't look at me, pretend like I don't exist. And I'm like, come on the dance floor. And you were like, stand back and dancing kind of close. Oh, yeah. And I was Macarena in.

At them. Oh, yeah. No, I was only macarena and at them. I thought that was... $5.10.10.10. Dollar. Yes. I feel like the ultimate... I never ever sadly got to go to a bar about Mitzvah. But the ultimate middle school dance song to me is, of course, Kat and I Joe, but also, hey, Mickey. Hey, Mickey. Oh, wow. That was what I was like, oh, I've got... Because the song had just reached Iowa at the time. Yeah. I was perfectly sexless for you. Yes.

Yeah. Yeah. I was perfectly sexless for you. Yes. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I had also been like an alien living on a different planet until I attended a middle school dance. And I was like, I remember like breaking into a cold sweat the first time that I realized everyone else knew the words to all of the songs. And then it was an act of communal singing. Oh, yeah. God. I was like, and then you have to, you're 12. You don't know that it's okay to just be like, I don't know this song. And so you're like pretending like, You know, you're like trying. The Mickey part, yes. Desperately it's fit in. A fucking genie pulled a magic gun to my brain and was like, I- It's magic, so it's fine. It's a magic gun.

Yeah, okay. And was like, I will give you a trillion dollars, all of your adult knowledge, infinite resources, and I'll throw in world peace. You just have to go back to middle school. I would grab the magic gun and shoot the genie. Yeah, I'd be like, you gotta go. You can't make me do that. No, no, no.

Don't even say the words middle school around me. No, MJ, I don't know how you work in middle schools. I don't know how you see it every day. I love it. You know, I worked, I started working in middle schools as a theater teaching artist in 2014 or 2015. And, you know, I just, it is, you're right that none of it. And I have actually had this conversation with kids.

I'm like, when you're going through like a hard time, just remember that this is not your whole life. And like, if you talk to literally any adult, they will say that like they're so, so their life is so much different and better than middle school. At least it's better than me. You know what? Every day I think a lot of us, at least we can wake up and be like, better than middle school. Better than middle school.

The day is better than middle school. I got to go get a full allergy panel right after this and I'm going to go be bumpy and itchy for the rest of the week. And yet still, better than any day I had in middle school. Better than the best day of middle school. But I just, it's the best. with like dust might. Yes, I know I'm so scared.

I know. I'm scared. I have a little chessboard on her back. It is very scary. And I have to do it over and over again. I have to keep going back. And I'm scared. Everyone,

why do you think I brought it up on the show? I'm scared. Don't put it in me. Don't put it in me. And that's what I'm going to be screaming while they drag me out of the allergist's appointment. But how can we comfort? With like an inhaler being like,

I think I reconsiderate his mother. Mother, can I go a hell now, please? Yeah, Jackie's going to be having the biggest meltdown of all of the people at the allergens. Yes. But I wish I could say something to reassure you that it's going to be okay. They're going to poke you 50 times and it's not going to suck. But I think this is one of those times that if I was parenting you, I would say, you're right to be scared.

Thank you. Thank you. And that's a valid feeling. Thank you. I feel validated and I appreciate that. And I do, you know, all this conversation is coming from MJ. Canonically, right said Fred's number one fan. And I do think that, like, I'm surprised you weren't a hit at all the school dances because you had I'm too sexy in your belt.

Why did I just make a note to myself of I'm too sexy? I just have a draft email that says, right said Fred in all capital letters. Is it because you had visions of this moment? Maybe that's what it was. I think I must have heard a right said Fred reference in something, but I don't know what it could be. She waking up in the middle of the night covered in sweat, right said Fred! I'm too sexy. Just to correct the page 7 record on my relationship with Wright, said Fred.

The most embarrassing thing about my relationship with Wright, said Fred, is not I'm too sexy. It's that I enjoy the deep cuts that aren't famous from that tape. This is the problem. Yeah. A love for all seasons. A love for all seasons and no one on earth. And songs that literally no one on earth, if you will, has ever heard of or remembered. It was track one and two.

I didn't get that far on the tape. It was a tape. It was a tape. And you had to listen to the first two songs to get to I'm Too Sexy. And number one was A Love for All Seasons. A Love for All Seasons. And number two was no one on earth.

No one on earth can love me like you do. Are they as good as I'm too sexy, though? Are they? Are they, MJ? I'm too sexy was my third least favorite song of the three songs on the tape. What the lyricism. I'm a model.

You know what I mean. I shake my little tushy on the catwalk. This is poetry. I know. Right from Wright said Fred to our ears. I've been advocating for a rewrite of history's relationship with Wright said Fred. A rewrite said Fred. It's so much so that I have been one of a page seven listener many years ago sent me a cassette tape.

It is the same cassette tape that I had, probably not the same physical one, but it's the same one. I think there must only be one. And one version, one copy. Is that what you're saying? It's the Highlander of Gazette tapes. I mean, listen, last week I talked about my relationship with cozy mysteries and I found out there are many of us, okay? But I have talked about Wright-Sit Fred on the show a number of times that I've never, I don't think, ever heard from another person who remembers the other songs on the tape. No, nobody's reaching out, scream about right, said Fred, but that's okay.

That's okay. That's why, you know, we're here. We create our own community. Yes. You know, we're all right, said Freders, MJ. Don't worry, we're all standing right next to you, being like, yeah, the other songs. No, Jake, we're sitting right next to him, Jay. I'm hoping to the frame, and I'm just kind of hoping to duck out.

Oh, my gosh, what, you're trying to be a John Cena right now? Did you watch this video? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, you mean the most justified thing I've ever seen? I love John Cena. It was perfect. So much. I just love the man so much.

And if there's one thing, I feel like it is always said when you bring up John Cena in a story, people are always like, what a good man. Oh, what a good man. Record holder. For the make a wish. He made the most wishes. Made the most wishes of going. Famously nice guy.

Just what a wonderful person. And this, a TikToker, it is a video that went viral, that it was a TikToker going up to John Cena and just out, not saying anything, just starting to sing at him, sing at him, sing at him. This is not just some TikToker. This is Harry Daniels. And this guy is been doing this shtick for you. years. I'm just singing at people?

He's been doing this shit. Is it funny, Jay? He's been doing this shit back during like the M to the B, M to the B era TikTok. He's been doing this since hit or miss era TikTok. What do we think? Do we like it? The whole schick. The whole schick is he walks up to celebrities in theory like, you know, candidly on the street.

He does a ton of like pre-taped pre-stage ones where the celebrities are like, oh my God, wow. But the whole game is he doesn't sing that well. He does not sing that well. And these celebrities, seeing the camera, being ambushed, have to do this weird, awkward thing where they have to, like, politely listen to this space invading but not overtly aggressive event happening to them. I hate all of what you're saying. I hate it. It's like some form of, like, voyeuristic, cringe comedy something or something or something. other and like, being able to like pierce the veil of a celebrity's comfort zone, I get the morbid

curiosity. I get the taboo breaking of it. Yeah, it's just, it's, it's, they're human beings at the end of the day. It's just like, just don't do, like, I can't imagine someone doing that to me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's just uncomfortable and unpleasant. And then your, the joke is that people are trying to like not be rude. Yes. I hate it. Yes. And John Cena, though, master class of not being rude. He's singing at him And John Cena stands up and just calmly says, how are you doing? Nice to meet you. I'm John. Like trying to be like, talk to me like a person.

Yeah, I don't want to be your hilarious victim. Yes. And he was just sitting down in public just like, obviously it was not staged. And he was like, he's like, he's like, I'm John. Would you like to sing now? And he's like, and he just had continued singing. And he's just like, and he's like, this is what I do. I sing it people.

And John Cena's like, for what purpose? Yes. For what purpose? Ultimate quote. It is so funny, though, because you could tell that I feel like you see him standing, because you're right, he has done so many, like, make a wish, fed. Like, Ivan, in this same article that talks about this, there was another video right afterwards that I was bursting into tears because this man was talking about what he had

gone through and that he had to go back into surgery and that like he just wanted to hug from him. John Cena comes down off the stage. hugs this man that is going with it. It's like, this is a good man. And you could just see that you can tell that he was trying to see if there was, like,

if the person may have had like some sort of like mental issue going on or something. Like I feel like he was trying to read the situation quickly. Found out fast that, oh, you're just trying to fuck with me. Fuck with me.

And make content at my expense. He didn't want that. The phrase that is burned into my head is just stern eyes, clear, like, unwavering voice, I'm not buying what you're selling. I'm not buying what you're selling. Also, this is what he says, and I love it. Between this and, I'm sorry,

I know we're going to bring up the Jack Reacher video. Between this video and the Jack Racher video, last week I feel like it started, they had started talking about these videos because they were kind of getting everywhere. And I was like, oh, God, I hope the Jack Ratcher guy and John Sina don't end up being like, oh, they're like not good, not nice.

And it's like, no, Jack Reacher was right and John Cina was right. Okay? Interesting. Interesting. We'll get to the Jack Reacher's show. Yeah. But seriously, though, John Cina, he's a meme. You can't see me being chilling.

Like, he is an internet phenomenon unto himself. He has managed that persona. He will always play games with like whatever weird, like, you know, Vanity Fair, the Tonight show. Like, he has built this empire of like, I'm just a friendly guy. let's have some fun together, like, you know, genial man. But, like, you could tell in this cafe he was, like, off the clock. Maybe he was late for a meeting.

Maybe something with, like, he was clearly, like, not in on. Yeah. His entire job is to, like, his job is to be a burly man in film and television, but his real job is to be on and charming and self-effacing and whatever. And, like, he was off the clock. He was just a regular guy. and that trust was broken. And also, I don't think this Harry Daniels guy's bit has been funny since the get-go.

Yeah. I just, this whole thing, I just was like barfaloosa. Thank God John Cena stood up for himself. I mean, the reason we started April Reels Day or April Fields Day, if you will, is because it was born out of a conversation about how much me and Jackie and Holden all hate humor that is like, where the joke is like, oh, you asshole, you believed me. You know, like, that's the whole premise of April fools. It's just like, fuck you for trusting me.

By the way, it is. By the time this comes out, it will be yesterday, but it is tomorrow just so you guys remember. Oh, God, I didn't even realize. But, like, the thing where the joke is just like, I'm just making you feel stupid, and that's the joke. I don't like that. And I feel like TikTok is, it's not just this guy. I'm getting mad at a whole representation, what this guy represents. It's like, oh, let's just go, like, humiliate people and then make.

content out of it. And I feel like, I don't know, like, if we can all agree that, like, paparazzi is bad and, like, taking pictures of celebrities walking around when they're not trying to get photographed as bad. But I would agree. The potparazzi is good. But, but, like, then doing, making TikTok videos like this, I feel like should, we should look at it with the same scorn. That's, like, walking up to a movie star when they are just trying to have a coffee so that you can enrich yourself off of content that is like, yeah, just knock it off. So can we bounce from this? Because I think there are so many parallels of famously huge man getting fucked with and how you respond in that moment.

Yes. Did you watch all the footage of the Jack Reacher body cam? I did. It was very upsetting. Yes. I got into a very deep discussion with Marie about this because she thought Jack Reacher was way out of line. I already forgot the actor's name. Yeah, I don't remember.

Beef tits. McHugh. Alan Richson. I know Jack Reacher. I call him Jack Ritcher. because I watched, I, I thought that I was gonna get lost

in the world of Jack Reacher because I found out about all the books, I found out about like, that this has been like, you know, the babysitters club for men for like a long time. And one of the funniest things in the world

that Tom Cruise played this character in a movie. And that's over the same thing about his, this character is, he's got hands the size of a fucking basketball. Jake, have you watched? He stands at nine feet.

There was a, there was a, I've heard this second hand from other times people have talked about this franchise but there's a book where like Jack Reacher has to go to prison and there's like a whole scene where like they were gonna try and fuck with him but then they saw it's massive hogs you see Jake this is what I thought was so funny

about this show because I never heard about it didn't really it's like been the number one show since it's been out like it's crazy and I was like who is this for and Jeff was explaining to me he's like it is the like ideal like the mask skill and ideal of like being able to be a tumbleweed and go from town to town.

It's like the incredible Hulk, but he's a, he's a troop. Right. And it was just so funny because every episode, like I thought it was a joke at first because then afterwards I found out all about Tom Cruise playing him. Every episode, every room he enters, they're like, oh my God, he's the biggest man I've ever see. And then they look up, they inevitably look up at him and go, oh my God. And they always, every time he enters any room, they have to talk about how big he is.

And that's so funny to me that there are, especially, I was talking to a friend of mine whose father is obsessed with it. And he's like one of those old boomer guys that just like, watch it because it's a man show. And the man likes the Jack Reacher show. And I just think it's so funny because it's so much about how sexy this guy is. It's a power fantasy. It is the ultimate, every guy, every guy on earth has this idea of like, well, I would be an upstanding force of righteous violence to protect those that need protecting.

But I'm just a little guy. But like if I really like, you know, if I worked out, I would be a superhero. Like, and so here's this story of just, yeah, he foils terrorism plots. He fights drug cartels. He fights a corrupt general. And Tom Cruise is like, get me in there. I'm obviously the biggest man. Everyone's seen.

Yeah, see. Keep the fish away from me, boys. I got to get bigger. Okay, I'm looking at this video footage right now. but I got to confess that I don't fully understand what I'm looking at. So can you guys set the scene for us? I know the actor who plays Jack Reacher, Alan Richon, big, big guy. And he's having a scuffle.

But why? And what do we know about the scuffle? I will throw it out there. At first, I was like, man, he's just beating the shit out of some neighbor on a lawn. Wow, he's a huge guy. He probably shouldn't be doing that. Yeah. And here's a thing, though, he had on a body cam.

So you can watch all of the footage of what happened. He's on his bike. He's going, I'm going to say, 25 miles per hour through the neighborhood on his bike. With his two sons who are also riding motorcycles around the neighborhood. Around the neighborhood. Which very loud, very disruptive. They're in a huge fucking neighborhood. Very rich suburban wide streets.

Yes. And it's like every huge mansion, because you can see in the body cam footage, has like sprawling. lawns. It's not like a, it's not like in LA where the huge houses are like right on the street, on the very curvy mountain streets, right? No, it's a big mansion sprawl. Yes. So the guy, his neighbor, comes out, stands in front of his motorcycle to make him stop. So first the neighbor is just like, hey, stop. You're being bad. Right. There's kids here. Dang. Those crads. Yes, doing that. Meanwhile, I don't see any kids on the street. No kids middle of the day. It's just motorcycles are loud. I'm sure. Jack Reacher does this all the time

and it's very annoying. And he's like trying to wave him down and Jack Richard does not stop for him. So the neighbor, like there is a distinct leap right in front of his motorcycle. Right in front of his motorcycle. Leaps right in front of him and Jack Richard like spills. It's the pavement. To avoid smashing into the neighbor.

In his face. Like I'm saying this is where the debate happened was that man initiated violence. That man has violated Had violated like a cone of personal space And caused injury And like now you're in a very rough place You are like something Like you have crossed a social line

They're like poking at each other Doing the very like Male thing of like I'm in your space Well I'm in your space and like you can't like You're crazy you're crazy But also while this is happening He does start saying Jack Rangers starts saying like Man you don't want to do this

this man. Please don't do it. Like he is starting because the guy keeps because he's huge. Like I mean he's just so big and he But that's a guy thing is you when you're fucking adrenaline and testosterone and all the stupid dummy chemicals that make you literally

responsible for the entirety of human evil and suffering. Sorry ladies. Happens. I'll take it. Thank you. Now I'm not upset anymore. That's all I needed. Thank you, Jake. I need to

that I'm not intimidated by the big guy. I, in a weird reverse monkey logic, I have to fuck with the big guy more. Like, if you've ever, ask a tall person, you know, ask a tall man in your life if people have just started random fights for no reason.

Jeff says this, it's either that or it's, he's like, oftentimes people ask the tall and the big for help. And he's like, and I like to be a gentle giant, but there are also sometimes when people think, just because I'm a big guy, that I'm here to start something.

And he's like, there have been so many times where I'm literally holding someone further away from me there. And like, I'm being like, stop, just stop. Doing a Tom Cruise. And they're like, let me in. Come on, come on. Let me, and is, and that or also he says that people speak to him, like, especially other, like, older white men will speak to him and say racist things as if you must agree

with me. And he's like, it happens a lot more. And then I have to be like, no, I don't. why are you saying this to me? You're a big guy. I'll bet you're a big racist guy too. Honestly, that big body can hold so much prejudice.

So, this is a very, like, the cortisol has been spiked. Okay. Yeah. Boys are fighting, if you will. Oh, yeah.

As Jersey Shore would say, even though he is the first one to have been physically hurt in the altercation, he throws a punch directly at the back of the guy's head. He finishes the job. He, uh, the neighbor curls up, which is, you know, like, not a good look if you were previously

being like, I'm the guy who's going to humble Jack Reacher. Yeah. He tries to get back up. Jack Reacher's like, stay down, stay down. Lands another punch. And the cops, after seeing this body cam footage, are like, well, that's self-defense. He, you know, he, like, made you fall off your bicycle. You were like in physical danger.

Your bicycle. I love it if they call Jack Reacher's, like, big, scary. He's like his little big wheel. Whatever. But here's the thing. Here's the thing. And this was a, this is where Marie was much more upset at Jack Reacher than I was because as a fucking stupid dude,

I was like, he entered the zone of violence. The zone of violence has been entered. And like this is not how you should run a society. This is just how I've been socialized. I just feel like it's also like a primal thing at that point, right? It's got to be, it's like you're in front of your kids. It's a whole like. I don't know.

We don't want to excuse behavior for primal. We don't want to like open the door for like primal male rage. You're right. He was in front of his kids and that was a, like, you are socially obligated to not give into primal violent rage at that moment. I think that's fair. Yeah. That is because those kids for the rest of their life are going to be like, well, if some,

if I encounter conflict, this is how it is solved because big daddy just like beat the shit. Which is no good. That's no good. That's not what the kids should be taught, not even the, especially the teenage boys. Teenage boys don't need to see that. I think that's fair. I think it is, I think you're right, Jake,

that it is an act of aggression to step, step into somebody's motorcycle path very quickly like that. You know you're going to fuck them up. You know you're going to hurt them. But that said, I mean, this video is just an extensive beatdown of the guy after that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you don't want to do this. Yeah, you don't want to do this. to do this. He kept getting back up, MJ.

He kept saying, you don't want to do this. He kept pushing your back. You don't want to do this. And the guy is very clearly not. Once Jack Reacher's off the bike, Jack Reacher is the one with the power. The blue shirt guy is obviously not a threat. So big Jack Reacher. So big. These are all rich dudes.

The neighbor is not like unfit himself. I think these dudes are hopped up on like growth hormone and off-label peptides. For sure. And are just like completely be just fucking idiots. Oh, man. It's, it really was like kind of a,

it was more depressing than anything else. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just about, honestly, even, I was just happy that he didn't get like wrapped up in a big trial over.

I guess that's more of what I was happy about. Because that instance is, that's such a like, or who knows. I mean, it's going to end up. But I think everything got thrown out. Well, right. I mean, what I'm reading is page six says there's an investigation. Uh, an investigation. The meathead cops.

The meathead cops would press charges on Jack Reacher for exhibiting toxic masculinity. No, they'd love it. No, I think they'd be like, wow, that's a man's doing a man's job. I just, I really, like, this really sparked a big discussion in my household. Wow. And it really, like, we really got deep into where we are as a society. And for all this satisfaction of, like, an idiot picking a fight with Jack Reacher and then getting his kicked, that fuck around and find out mentality that is like the background of so much like

bullshit in our current kind of culture, where it's like, you have violated my personal bubble of domain, so therefore I have unlimited freedom to enact cruelty upon you. Right. Yeah. That's castle doctrine. That's fucking like domestic shooting. That's like it is the gateway for a bunch of other violence that, and that violence is then informed by, you know, racism and sexism and then all that. The highest priority should be,

are you okay? Can you walk? Can you talk? Report it to the police and like let, like, don't like show your kids that like you can be like ruffled without having it explode into fucking hamburger patties. To bring it back to middle school, if two middle schoolers got into a fight like this where one blue shirt, blue shirt seventh grader instigates something that makes seventh grade Jack Reacher fall down and get hurt. If seventh grade Jack Reacher then beats the shit out of blue shirt, they're both in trouble. They're both in trouble. Yeah.

You're not allowed to do that. Like it's not self-defense. You know, I feel like we start explaining the basics of self-defense to middle schoolers to be like, yes, you can protect yourself. No, you cannot do an extended beat down in the name of self-defense. Yeah, but I think it's good to teach them. The Jack Reacher is above the law. Yeah.

I think it's good for us all three members. The old Jack Richard can do anything. I love that we've collapsed to the actor and the character into one, which to be fair, he did that because this is real Jack Reacher behavior. It is Jack Reacher behavior. It sounds like he's going to pick up and just move on to the next town. Yeah. You won't have to worry about it.

And maybe, you know, you just can't handle Big Diesel anyway, guys. I mean, you just can't handle Big Diesel anyway. is the line that Shaquille O'Neal did not send to Sabrina Carpenter in a DM, but that is the line that the internet is saying that he did. He has come out. The internet has said that Sabrina Carpenter received the DMs at Shaq, slid into Sabrina's DMs, which I don't know if Shaq can really slide anywhere. Did she say, but...

Did Sabrina's Carpenter post these? No. So the idea is a mysterious... has hacked Sabrina Carpenter's DMs, but specifically screenshots of her own phone and release these. Yes, and it says, well, it's just the, it's just been a rumor.

It's a rumor mill. There's a, the rumor mill is charging. Yeah, I don't, have we, I don't think we've seen official screenshots, but Shaq is on a podcast reading these alleged. Yes, he's reading it off of his phone. So whatever he was sent to him, it was sent to him.

I guess to ask if he had done this or not. And the questions were, the DMs in question were, damn, baby, I would keep your farts in a cologne bottle and sprayed on me every day. Dot, dot, dot, dot. Just jokes.

And then he said, I'm Shaq, what's your name, baby? And then I said, like, Sabrina, and says, I know who you are. You're way too famous to be sending me messages like that. To which Shaq, quote unquote, responded, I can't be horny and want some of that snow bunny kitty for myself.

You're being rude for no reason. First of all, she's clearly a beach bunny. So where's this coming from? You can't handle big diesel anyway. My meat would have you in the hospital. Can we find out? Oh, no. My meat would have you in the hospital.

My meat would have you in the hospital. I don't need to hear that. Shaquille O'Neal was not on 4chan long enough for him to talk like that. He even says on the podcast, he's like, first of all, ladies, the diesel got way more game than that. And I think that's such a funny response. The diesel's got way more game. Oh, you're not going to be talking about the kitty. I want to keep your farts in a clone bottle and spray on me every day.

Dot, dot, dot, dot, just jokes. I think that the dot, dot, dot, dot, just jokes. It's so funny. It's so good. But what if? But whatever. Unless. If this happened, it's not.

not that Sabrina Carpenter's phone that was hacked, it's that somebody was impersonating Shachiel O'Neill. Yes. And sent these. And then Shaq luckily found out it was able to take it down. Yeah, I mean, I cannot, you can't handle Big Diesel anyway. Second only to my meat would have you in the hospital. My meat would have you in the hospital. Nausees.

I will say, it was a very awkward way to confront the allegation or the rumor by having him on his podcast, just talk to two friends who are definitely materially invested in staying his friend. Yeah. Be like, that doesn't sound like me, right? That's crazy, Shaq. Yeah, Shaq.

You would never ever say it, Jack. You've never said the word kiddie before. Because if there's one thing that definitely makes people absolve abusers and perverts, it's when they're very close friends who are materially invested in staying their friends,

vouch for their character. Especially when you're on their show and you're surrounded by all of their shackalicious gummies. That was the worst. The shackalicious gummies are all over the podcasting studio. There's so many bags of the shacklishes gummies. I'm going to throw it out there. I've had the shacklishes gummies.

Well, that's fine. He's not Gordon Ramsey. Like, the Shaq's seal of approval does not denote quality, whether it's video games or merchandise. Or gummies, like, fruity chewies. So I think of Shaq, and I'm like, oh, now that's where I go to get my fruity chewies. No, it's where you go to get your meat that sent you to the hospital. Are you saying that you're a Shaq truther and you think that Shaq really did send these DMs and he's now he's being enabled in a cover up by these two podcasters? I just, I will say that it was a weird way to broach the subject.

The format on the podcast, I never, I mean, I'm not on the government sciops that you call gossip websites all the time. So I did not get any of these, like, rumors in my feed. Oh, you know, you're not hearing the mills churning? No, there was some hot Nintendo leaks. Apparently, we're getting an ocarine of time remake by the holidays, which I'm very excited. But that's, my feeds did not, so I just heard about this through this video clip. Right. So right now, I had no preconceived notions about Shaq.

And here he is reading about fart jars and like, and demanding that his friends be like, that doesn't sound like me right. I was just like, this is a little hockey. This is a little weird. Oh, yeah. And I like it because, yeah, no, there's no way Shaq is speaking from like a place of power or anything. I think that we all agree with Shaq that he didn't talk about his meat puttner in the hospital. But if I find out that he did, you best believe I'm going to step quickly.

quickly in front of his motorcycle. Consequences be damned. Jack Reacher. Oh, I guess we're going to start calling you, Jake Reacher. Jake Reacher. Sometimes the only solution to a bad guy with a gun is a very large, nebishy, Jewish middle-aged man without a gun. I got to do what must be done.

And what must be done is apologize for the male gender. And we thank you, Jake Richard. It's Jake Richard. Thank you. Jake Reacher always apologizing. Oh, my God. He can't even fit through the doorway. Oh, my God. On this USB driver files that implicate the entirety of our capital and governmental class. Like, oh, the abstin. Yeah, we got those. What? Oh. Yeah, yeah. It's on a bunch of websites. Oh. Oh. I had to like sneak through a laser grid for this. Proud of you. Happy you did it. I really think that you go far. My butt was too big. I kept tripping the laser. Oh, it's that bumble, bumble bumble bumble, bumble, but is it that bumble bumble kit cat heist? Yeah, I'm bringing up the Kit Kat heist. Nobody cares about the Kit Kat heist. And I've been trying to make people care about the Kit Kat heist. What do you do? What do you do? They're those weird Nestle Kit Katz. They're the Kit Katz we love. So you mean they're more delicious is what you're saying? You know what? The American Kit Kat is a beautiful thing. You know, the cream is just ground up. broken Kit Katz.

Whoa! I thought you were going to say children. Yeah, I thought you said, The cream is children. They stole 400,000 Kit Kat bars. Twelve tons of Kit Katz. Give me a break.

And they were special like Formula One edition Kit Katz. Is that I understand that? They were specific. Now this is part of this. Now it's a hate crime. Oh my God. Towards Vroom Vroom people.

Don't you start yelling at the Formula One people, Jake, because the community is thick out there. No, no, no. I will say the Formula One people I know in my life are the chillest, most laid back and understanding people I've ever met until you start bringing up Formula One.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the same... You can't speak about it. Same as the World Cup people. You know, it's the same kind of where you're just like, oh, okay, all right, now I'm just, oh, I'm here. Yep, they go around. And I know that it's more than they go around. I understand

there's physics. Downforce. They introduced a new hybrid electric system. And I'm very proud of them. No one can make me care about people driving a car in a circle. Not one person. How are we going to get through Springsgiving when all the European Kit Katz have gone? And I need everyone to know that they're bringing the Kit Kat heist to the attention of the world. Because this is not the first time this has happened. This keeps happening in the candy community.

that they are just, these 12 tons of Kit Katz, including the truck, vanished into thin air, never to be found again. And it happens all the time. And no one is speaking of what's happening in the candy community. Now, we must not discuss this story without bringing in the quote from the Kit Kat spokesman who said, quote, we've always encouraged people to have a break with Kit Kat. But it seems thieves have taken the message too literally and made a break with more than 12 tons of our chocolate. Oh, get that. Whilst we appreciate the most European statement ever, whilst we appreciate the criminal's exceptional taste, the fact remains that cargo theft is an escalating issue for businesses of all sizes.

I just want to commend this statement. They handled it very well. Give me a break. Yes, give me a break. And then they're going to break right off of it. Wow. They broke off, I think, enough that they could chew. The one part of this story I found engaging, I just found out, was not true.

Oh, no. You get poo-graved? No, supposedly, according to Yahoo News, I saw murmurings of this on Blue Sky that disgraced British former Prime Minister Liz Truss claimed that an underground transgender mafia was responsible for the eyes. But that was a parody account. Oh, okay. You got boo craved. I'm surprised. The transphobia coming from leaders in the UK, it actually sounds like realistic.

So that's a reasonable mistake. Oh, no, yeah, yeah, yeah. Trash Island. We could dump it in the ocean. Oh, my God. Leave Ireland. We're good. Yeah.

And Wales and Scotland. And the north. Yeah. We don't even need to talk about John Lithgow being like, oh, people are misunderstanding J.K. rolling. No, John Lithgow. They're not. Keep it moving.

He needs to stop. That quote where it was like, well, maybe she went too far, but nothing she said was bad. But it was like just wishy-washy, nothing for nobody. That's nonsense. I do disagree with much of it. Much of it has been twisted and misrepresented. She's doubled down at her own cost. That's true.

Dude, she fucking took it to the Supreme Court. She took it to the Supreme fucking court. She has actively openly said, I find anyone that still supports Harry Potter to be directly supporting my theories and beliefs. That's it. Literally that. So it's just, John Lindo?

Some people say you can separate art from the artist to which I say you cannot. Your money is supporting my bigoted transphobic political agenda. So thank you. You already have the books. It's like you could still read. It's just about putting more money into her fucking pocket. and I'm so pissed every time I watch an HBO show

because now they put the trailer in front of every HBO show and I'm just like, I don't want to see it. I don't want to see it. I don't care. It doesn't look good. It's the same thing. It's just a re-it.

I don't understand. Why? Why? That's the biggest thing. People are like, why did you even do this? Why are doing it? It looks the same, but worse.

It just looks worse and like the color isn't as good as the originals. Sorry, this is just us yelling. We need to get some of the list. They're going to make the goblins even more Jewish. Oh, good, good, good. They're going to up it in the movie so I make sure it really, like, everybody knows.

They keep demanding Goblin Town has a right to exist. It's like very upsetting. Yep, yeah, yep. Of course they run the banks. It's like, oh, good. All right, great. Thanks, guys. I am disappointed you, John Lithgow.

I'm disappointed you and I understand that, you know, I guess he's like, I just need, he also has said, I needed to have a living to go on into my. my old age, and this is what's going to do it. And if you want to read a story about a precious orphan boy who is entered into a magical world, only to realize it's up to him to disrupt a thousand year long hierarchy of prejudice, it's called dungeon crawler Carl and it fucking rules. Whoa. I think you're going to bring up Dune because I was like, I'm pretty sure he goes full circle.

I think it's pretty bad eventually. No, at no point in dungeon crawler Carl does he turn into a giant worm god. That's good and kill all those, what is it, billions of people, but we're not talking about Dune right now. Maybe I have to listen to a lot of Dune conversations in my own personal life, but right now we're talking about the list. Oh, who's on the list? Me, got to have that list. Oh, did you know that Kurt Cobain, oh, this is just random, this is a celebrity, scandalous celebrity facts. Kurt Cobain wrote Nirvana's heart-shaped box about the vagina of his wife.

wife, Courtney Love. But when Lana Del Rey covered Heart Shape Box in a 2012 show, Courtney Love took to Twitter and tweeted to Del Rey the true meaning behind the song. She says, you do know the song is about my vagina, right? Throw down your umbilical noose so I can

climb right back. On top of which, some of the lyrics about my vagina, I contributed. So next time you sing it, think about my vagina, will ya? Seems like the metaphor is more about the uterus than the actual vaginal. You know what? That's not my place. Yeah, I guess I feel like the news.

I mean, it is my place and I'm there all the time. Noise, noise, Jay, creature. Better watch out, creature to punch you in the face. He knows the difference between a vagina and a vulva. Does he? Your crimes were labia majora. Whoa, he knew the word. And my patience is very labia minora.

Yeah. Which is also the best gift you can give at Hanukkah. At Hanukkah. Thank you. Thank you, Jake. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, my God. I feel like this is the kind of tidbit that we do talk about like every eight months, but I do love throwing it in there. Paul McCartney and John Lennon used to masturbate together in a circle with some of their friends in a 2019 interview with GQ. That's just called English boyhood.

I mean, essentially what they said. They're like, over at John's house, it was just a group of us. And instead of just getting roaring, drunk and partying, we would. all just in these chairs and the Lord's world and somebody started masturbating so we all did. They make it sound kind of normal, but... Jake Reacher, is this something? I'm glad that we have the picture of masculinity here to ask, Jake. So, McCarty does say, I think it was a one-off thing, you know, it wasn't a big thing. You know, it's like, it's kind of, it's just what boys do, Jake.

This is something that would be, like, giggled about, at least by the time we were in the 90s, where like, oh, ooky-cooky or like fucking... You say that, but there are people that were doing the ookie-cookies. I remember talking about it on a roundtable. I believe, not to throw it out there, I believe a Marcus is one of them. It's disgusting.

But I was thinking it might be heresy, if not, but I'm pretty sure you roundtable just let me know. Maybe this is libel, but my good friend, Marcus Parks, definitely masturbated on a cookie as a child. Definitely, I said, and I figure it's Rouse.

He unequivocally What I bleep this out? Do we bleep it out? No, you got to leave it. You got to leave it. All right, we got to leave it. All right. I was,

I just remember, in Angela's ashes, of all things, like, there was like a whole, Loogie, cookie. There was like a sand where they're all, like,

jerking off together. Oh, what? It's Cheryl's ashes. Don't drag Frank McCourt into this, Jake. I think it's just a thing they do there. Wow.

The Ireland is, Not the UK, Jake. How dare you say there as if it's all the same thing? Haven't you seen dairy girls? There on, like, it's, listen, the theme, we started on Real McCoy with the Europop techno. Oh, yes. We ended with the kickettes. It's just Europe.

Weird, annoying place. Okay. And Jake and. Circle jerk. Something wrong in Europe. There's something wrong in Europe. They like circle jerks and transphobia. Okay, we can generalize that much.

That's fine. Does it all have to do with each other, do you think? Almost assuredly. Right? I feel like, I just feel like the more they tug on it, like the stronger they feel like is there something with that? I don't know. Despite your citation of an Irish book, Jake, I'm going to exempt Ireland though from Europe is trash because, you know, they do a lot of nice stuff. They're a tax haven.

They know what they're doing. They're not innocent either. I mean, nobody is Jake Reacher. nobody is and you should know that more than any of us. In this broken world, it takes one man, a man who gets kind of winded after two flights of stairs. And I'm still... I'm hoping for you. Well, this just makes me want to read the book even more.

Liza Minnelli recently put out an autobiography and I believe audio... I keep saying audio. autobiography, but I don't know if she wrote it or not, or if it was just a biography. But while filming New York, New York in 1977, leading lady Liza Minnelli and director Martin Scorsese had an affair. At the time, Manelli was married to Jack Haley Jr., the son of Jack Haley, who played the Tin Man in Wizard of Oz, and Scorsese to Julia Cameron. In Minnelli's 2026 memoir, kids, wait till you hear this, she revealed that they had a very tense

relationship, one that was consumed by cocaine addiction. Yes, this came up in a... Wait. In a, this came up in a blind, remember? Okay, wait, I'm finding the blind. One hopes the Egot winner's new book will actually have interesting stories. Perhaps something about her Coke-fueled sex romps with the permanent A-list director. Whoa.

Who you like to put mom in his mom, Scorsese's mom, not Liza Minnelli's mom, in his movies. February 24th. Whoa. So, yes. How dare you suggest that Liza Minnelli did cocaine? I know. Have you ever seen her perform? Yeah, I know.

In her prime? There's no way. It's Liza with the same. She was just excited. Yeah. About the chance to sing. Not about that fine Colombian yayo that just pulls through her blood. She was out of time.

It is written by her, but there was actually a blind that I didn't use this week about how apparently the stories she's telling at her events aren't matching the stories in the book. So, you know, I think it's like, quote unquote, buy her. But also, whatever she's telling up on stage, buy her. I'm not sure how much of Liza Manelli is, is, you know, I'm not sure exactly what, I don't know how she's doing is what I'm trying to say, but she did write it. And I think Jackie and I are going to read it. We're going to bring back celebrities for it. Yeah, just, I think I got to read about a cocaine-fueled sex romp with Martin Scorsese.

I didn't think that he was the time. Yeah, yeah, I think for every, for all the ways that Tim Curry's memoir left us thirsting for more gossip, I think that Liza Minnelli is going to leave us, like, sick with too much gossip. Like, we're going to need a cleanse afterwards. Ooh, okay. Well, it depends on what we're going to cleanse ourselves with and where we're going to cleanse ourselves. Maybe we'll cleanse ourselves with Rita Moreno, who was in and on again, off again relationship with Marlon Brando for eight years, which has always been glamorized by the public. The 2021 interview with AP Moreno revealed the truth behind her relationship with Brando, which was actually, surprise, toxic in the interview. Marlon Brando? No. No. No.

Not the paragon of sensitive masculinity. No way. He could never. She said, we did a movie together long after I tried to do away with my life and all of that had to do with my relationship with Marlon Brando. The movie's called The Night of the Following Day in 1969. and I hauled off and slapped him in the scene. And to my absolute astonishment, he not only slapped me back,

he slapped me back so hard, I now understood what it meant when you said, I saw stars. Oh, fun. Yay! Love used to be different, huh guys? I'm not going to lie, my only point of reference for Rita Moreno

is on drag race whenever any queen wears a head wrap. Oh, yeah, and then they invoke, they invoke her. They invoke Rita Moreno. I mean, for me, my singular reference for her, not singular, but the biggest one is West Side Story, of course. Oh, right. Oh, yeah, yeah, of course.

And I feel like she's just been, she's been in, though, the zeit guy since the beginning of time. And I talk about another biography that I, like, I imagine there is one. She's another one that I think that I would also even just like to read just of my own life. Because I imagine she's got crazy stories. Crazy stories and crazy credits. I'm like, oh, yeah, the electric company. Oh, yeah, she was in Sagan of the Raid. The King and I, like, she's just been in everything.

Yeah. She got to have really good stories. But also probably a lot of upsetting ones. Somebody else has been in everything. That's Catherine Hepburn, but I'm not talking about, fuck, you gutter babies. I'm talking about Catherine Hepburn revealed in a rare 1985 interview that as a teenager,

she used to break into houses. And even steal a thing or two. Wow. She said, my friend sat on the ground. I love breaking an answer. And entering is always my favorite. My friend and I sat on the ground while I climbed to the top and dropped through the skylight ladder in.

We broke into quite a number of houses and never disturbed anything. But we accomplished our purpose. I stole one thing, a crocodile nutcracker. And I loved it. Okay, now just because we have been taken a little bit of a dump on, you know, masculinity and the patriarchy on today's show,

I just want to point out that this is such a funny thing coming from an old lady that everyone's just like, good for you. It's like this is anti-social behavior. But when it comes from an old lady who is Catherine Hepburn, you're like, what a fun thing. And yet, next on the list in 2001 Winona Ryder caught stealing over $5,000 worth of designer items. And we've been talking about that ever since. And yet, I think I'm proud of us as a society that we let her off the hook.

Because she was stealing from Sacks Fifth Avenue. Who gives a fax Fifth Avenue about that story? store. I feel go ahead and take it. I'm sad that she got caught. That's what I'm going to say. Yeah. I'm sad she got caught. Three one o'na. Yeah. I agree. She should have done those stealings. To be fair, we didn't fully forgive her until she was in stranger things. And then as a like, oh, you've amused us enough. You're still hot. You're more amusing as an actress than you were as a punchline very well. Yeah. I think it was really just that she reemerged and was just still hot as the day as long. And everyone was like, okay. You're, MJ, I think you're completely right.

because I think if she came back and they were like, puke, puke, she's got a wrinkle. Like, I think that it would not have been the case. I do feel that way. Yeah. Because she was looking so bang-erang

in stranger things that I think people gave her the past. Agreed. Sucks. Yeah. To actually recognize that but that's my list for you guys. That's it.

Oh. All right. Now, did I close my list of blinds when I was trying to find the old blind? I did. I found it again. And so I saw that, but I can't.

I can't see in general. I think I'm going. Blind. Items. Oh, we can't see them. Okay. Speaking of podcasters, this A-List one has not appreciated what the A-List singer has been saying about the podcaster. I mean A-List podcaster, A-List singer.

It has to be. Trevente. This was an error made last week when we were talking about an A-List podcaster. It is not them. Okay. A-List podcaster. Amy Poehler. Nay.

Okay. Are we in the brosphere? We are not in the brosphere. They are not a manosphere conversation. Jackie. Oh, yes. Aha. Alex Cooper.

And Jackie, you may remember we actually discussed this a little bit last week. Who has been talking shit about Alex Cooper, who is also a famous singer? Do you remember one week ago? No. Nope. Lonna Del Rey. Possibly tell you. MJ. Nope. Couldn't I? The fact that I remembered that her last name was Cooper and not Earl,

I was proud of myself. Madison Beer. Wasn't Madison Beer? She was the one with the chips. No. People are screaming in their cars right now. Miley Cyrus called Alex Cooper creepy. That's right. At the Hannah Montana 20th anniversary special premiere. Now we got some feedback about this saying, no, there's a bunch of like pictures of them together and they've done events together in the past. That is also true, but the relationship seems to have taken a turn because when Miley Cyrus is talking about it, she is talking about recently, like how she said that Alex Cooper moved next door to her. She said, yeah, it was weird.

She's like, oh my God, you live here. That's right. She interviewed me at my house five years ago. You know damn well where I live. So yes, even though they have been, they do, they have had a previous relationship that was positive, Alex, it seems, at least according to the blinds and the New York Post, two trustworthy sources of information. It seems that Alex Cooper literally bought a house next door to Miley Cyrus and knowingly did that and then acted surprised. And then Miley Cyrus was like, that's creepy. And now the news cycle has come full circle to Alex Cooper being mad that Miley Cyrus is talking shit. What do we think?

Well, it is a little creepy. Let them fight. I mean, yeah. Let them fight! Yeah. You want a running man it? You want to like, have them fight publicly.

Whoever wins, we lose. Yeah. I mean, yeah, we do ultimately lose. I think that it is creepy to go to someone's house and interview them and then later on down the line. I think that if I was thinking about by, like, let's say I had done. on this to somebody and I was thinking about buying a house next door. I think I'd hit them up before I bought the house to be like, hey, just letting you know.

I'm looking at houses in the area, but it has nothing to do with you. Or at least don't pretend that you didn't know she lived there. I feel like that's the misstep. You were there. You knew she lived there. Although point, counterpoint, Jackie, you didn't remember what we talked about last week. So is it possible that Alex Cooper forgot where Mila Cyrus lived? I have, I, but does Alex Cooper smoke as much weed?

as I do. I'd love to go toe to toe with Alex Cooper and find that out. And it seems like Alex Cooper is like a super fan of Hannah Montana, so I don't think that you would forget where Miley Cyrus lived if you had been to her house and you were a big fan of Hannah Montana. Yeah.

That's what I think. Jake, you got any thoughts? Jakey. Jake, I think To know the podcast is to get the podcast is mine. A top-tier podcast is at once a chimera.

Oh, it's a chimera. Fame, but only adjacent. A vessel for others' fame. If you have focused on a single target of the pinnacle of female celebrity. Yep. But while you yourself, though known, also unknown, what is the way you solidify your place among the true pantheon of cultural figures? You literally build your home next to theirs.

You inhabit their space. My God, this goes deeper than we think. Yeah, hell, yeah, the masculine perspective. Oh, stop pushing me. Ow, hey, quit it. Oh, oh. Oh, no, I got to watch out, Jake. Jakey, don't reach me.

Don't. Oh, I'll keep you away. Oh, sorry, I just saw a headline that brand new headline, spanking new headline, Nick Cannon goes full MAGA and voices his support for Trump. Oh, no. Sorry, I just, I just wanted to call it. I just wanted to throw it.

out there. Maybe he's just wilding out. Yeah. Also, way to pick a winning team at the height of while the high... Right now? Now? Right. Like, this. Well, he loves to be irrelevant. Okay. Okay. Blind number two. Speaking of that singer, the dad thing was a

one-off for the show. Oh, and he still hasn't slept with his model girlfriend. Elizabeth Hurley. Correct. Whoa. Billy Ray Cyrus and Elizabeth. Hurley still haven't slept together. But she's kissing her son on the lips. She's kissing kissing her son.

But you're not going to bang your boyfriend of many months? Hey, quick question. What is Elizabeth Hurley's nationality? Whoa. Did she steal the Kit Katz? Do you think she stole the Kit Katz? Just saying the Herbert Island of Weirdos does not... The theory is real strong right now.

I think it's, I'm sure, real thick, Like anybody that's listening that is British, that there's like, oh, the Americans are going to make fun of us right now. We learned it from watching you, Dad. We learned it from you. We're speaking your pervert tongue. You're a small pervert island. We're a large pervert island.

A large pervert island. Oh, what? Break me off a piece of that. Well, yes, Elizabeth Hurley, too busy kissing her own son to kiss Billy Ray Cyrus. I just don't understand why you would tank your entire public image by being with such a repulsive man if you're not going to bone. Like, what is it in it for you then? And also, they went public with their relationship on Easter of 2025.

So that was last year. We're coming up on a year. And they'd been together for over six months then. So you're telling me, these two full-grown adults and that are, and I'm not saying it's like maybe, you know, I don't think that either one of them identify as as as sexual. I don't think that that's something that that is, it doesn't seem. I know you don't have to come out as that. But I'm going to go ahead and guess here that there's got to be a different reason if they're not having sex with each other.

Is it Christianity? Could it be Christianity? Or is it a fake relationship and then she's kissing her son? That's the only other option. Or it's a Christian. Or they're leaving room for Jesus. Or they're leaving room for Jesus. What do you think, Jake?

What do you think? Every time these two fucking weirdos talk about how weird their fucking relationship is, they get a bunch of. of more headlines and people keep talking about him and maybe he'll get a sweeter reality gig contract or whatever. I hate it. I hate it. But Billy Ray Cyrus anyway, yes, he was at the Hannah Montana 20th anniversary special, but yes, that was only for one time and he's still estranged from Miley, just so you know,

allegedly, according to blinds. Okay. Blind number three, the pay cable actor has run away from this reality family as quickly as he could. They were offering him the world, but he wanted no partner. of it. Paid cable, so it's not ping pong. And not ping pong.

Now, this is based on like news hubbub from a pretty recent event. So this is all, this is quite, quite recent. Okay, so I'm assuming we're talking Kardashian. We are. Okay. Because I didn't know if it was the Hilsons or yeah, but we're talking, we're talking the Kardashies. Okay.

That's the family. And we're talking about someone, so big cable person. Big cable guy where there was. was very recently. Jim Carrey. After a big event, where there's a big party afterwards, these two were seen together and everyone was like, ooh, are they smooching? And he said, no way.

I ate smooching and he ran. Whoa, ran from the smooch. He ran from the smooch. So I'm assuming it's after the Oscars? Yes, correct. Okay, so it's after the Oscars. And Cable, I need a little bit more from this. All right.

So he was nominated for an Oscar and he didn't win. He was in a scary movie this year that you loved. Michael B. Jordan? No. He got the Oscar. He, oh, he did get the Oscar, yeah. And he would never with a Kardashian, never.

He would never. No. He, I have a hint, but it's going to give it away. But I'm just going to say bathtub. Ah, a Lorde. Yes. A Lordy. He's a big old Lordy on it, eh?

Lurdy, Lordy, look who was pictured with Kendall Jenner. The Jack Reacher of Romantic Leeds. Oh, he certainly is. Certainly. Big old, big old boy. And it is funny because friends of mine went to go see him. They had like a talk back before Frankenstein. They had one of those like special things at Vidyitz here in L.A.

And that he is as surprisingly big as you would think that he is. and also even more so humble and quiet and a very seemingly, like seemingly chill, very chill guy that everyone in the room, like she was telling me, she's like, I could feel every person be like, ha, ha, like, fall, like, she's like, I felt like the entire room had already known

they had a crush on him, and then they were in the room with him, and now the infatuation is complete. That like him IRL is nuts. That's safe. A tall raven-haired man with sad eyes and strong big hands. Big, big old boy. With like a quiet sadness in his voice.

What on earth about this could be compelling for women. We can fix him. But he can fix him. We don't need to fix him because he has good judgment because he quickly exited himself from the Kardashian family and that makes him even hotter. Which one was he smoo-joo-joo-y-smoot? Kendall. Ah, good for ha.

Okay, good for ha. All right, yeah, bitch. Go get it. For getting away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Run, Jacob, run. And I can see again. Those are my blinds.

Welcome back, MJ. I'm so happy that you're back, and I'm really glad that Jacob Alorty is running as far away from that family as he could. I hope that he doesn't, like, run into the arms of the secret lives of Mormon wives. We don't want him to have like a hairy kind of situation. Don't compare Jacob Alordi to Harry Jousie.

Jackie, how dare you? Just it. I hope Jacob had already felt that as a pang somewhere. I was just like, why am I upset? Why am I upset? Is that excuse me how we even say it. But it is time for Jackie Snackies. I've been a snacky girl.

Yeah. I've been a snacky girl. Snacky. I've been a snacky girl. Snacky. I've been a snacky, snacky. Snacky. Is somebody going to eat those chips?

Is somebody going to dip those dips? Is somebody going to try those candies? I got seminar. They say I'm a snack lead. Yes, sometimes you're a snacky girl. And sometimes you're an international snacky girl. Now, Jake, I have something very special for you today. Oh, I am a very special boy.

You are a very special boy. Now, this is coming. Hi, Jackie Grinner and I finally are sending you a snack we picked up in Japan for you. Tokyo bananas. Now that's a pervert island you can put your money behind. Hell yes, we got ourselves a Tokyo banana and I want to say...

I've always wanted one of these. I knew you would know about it. I knew. I saved it for you, Jake, because I was like, I bet Jake would be excited. This is coming in. It was sent in to Jackie Snackies. You can send in your own Snackies to 4804, Laurel Canyon Boulevard number 378.

Valley Village, California, 9-160. and just like Lyra Cupcake and Grinner did from our chat, from our amazing Jack and chat, I want to say thank you so much. They traveled back from Japan to America with this box. Big backs. And then they shipped it to me. I already, MJ and I were talking about this.

Any person that sends us anything, I'm already beyond bold over because of like, you not only thought about me, but you went to the post office for me. me. The ultimate act of love. Ultimate act of love. So I just want to say, and so you traveled back from Japan with this for me. Thank you so much, Lyra and Grinner. And I, let's rip. Well, actually, I do want to take a quick picture with you with the box, because I'll show it just really pretty box.

When Jackie showed this to me, I said, I'll bet that Jake is going to respond with like a, like, hyper-informed bit of knowledge or trivia about this item. Well, I mean, I don't know why this is the regional treat for Tokyo, but this is a thing within Japanese culture that every major town city has a, like, bespoke snack. Really? That you are supposed to, when you return, bring for, like, your coworkers and friends. Really? So, like, at airports, train stations, gift shops.

If you go to Kyoto, there's, like, a very specific, it could be, like, a special style of rice cracker, a baked good, you know, but it's always, like, this is the, this is the snack this region is known for, and for Tokyo, it is the Tokyo banana, which I believe is some kind of cream-filled cake that has a banana flavor. I was trying to not rip all of the package off, and then I couldn't get a box out, so I did. To be fair, it made you mad. And once you've entered the zone of violence, as we've learned. Thank you.

Oh, no, it's Jakey and Jackie Reacher. And when I'm looking at this box, get over here, Tokyo Banana. And when I say, get over here, you know I'm me. Get over here. Gun down. Your blood sugar's too long. I need to talk your banana, Jake. Oh my gosh.

This is so cute. Oh my gosh. It's a whole package of them. Oh, my God. Okay. All right. Jake. Let's.

Oh, these look so delicate. Oh, they look cute. Oh, my goodness. This is cute. With the classic desiccant package. This is a big box. This is a Jack Reacher of boxes to travel. This is the softest thing I've ever held in my hand.

Holy shit. This is the most. delicate sponge I've ever beheld. It's like a fresh twinkie. I was going to say, what is? Is it like a twinkie? It feels like the freshest twinkie you've ever touched. It is a fresh twinkie

filled with a banana puree cream. Okay. So I'm wondering if this is kind of like a yellow runtz artificial banana, which is is isoamyl acetate. Don't ask me how I know. Or if they're going for a more natural banana flavor. They are cute. It feels like I'm about to eat

a beanie baby. It is, it feels like, it feels, it feels, uh, infant like. It feels like something pure and innocent. Like, like, like, what, like those soft stuffies that you put in a baby's crib. It is, it is a squish mallow. Yeah. Of a, of a baked good. All right. One, two. Transcendant. Incredible. If you love banana, and this is like natural banana flavor. Really? Like, if you love, like, a perfectly ripe banana, a moist banana bread, if you are about, the banana lifestyle. Get on a plane to Tokyo right now and pick these up. This is so good. Now what are they called again? Banana. Tokyo bananas. Tokyo Banana. It really does. It's like

the best banana Twinkie you've ever had. Wow. That is indulgent yet like fresh and light. This is so, God, they fucking nailed snacks. Wow. Wow. Thank you so much, Lyra. Jackie is Brian. This is so good. I can tell you guys are genuinely happy right now. Especially because I love banana. Banana is my favorite flavor. I love banana. And I do like I am some, like I'm a little freak.

I love a fake banana. I love a real banana. I love a ripe banana. I love an unripe. And people are very like a banana laughy taffy or something. Oh, yeah. Like rejected on a cellular level. And I understand.

I do understand you, MJ. I understand those of us. Yeah. I mean, those of you all out there. But here in this studio, we're here for nanners. We're here for nanners, bitch. This was Glynner and who? This was Grinner and Lyra Cupcake.

Lyra. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yes, from chat. I think you know Grinner too. And I just want to say thank you guys so much for traveling all the way back here with this amazing. It's tradition. You bring back a regional snack for your friends to. for a little taste of where you've been?

Well, I'm so excited because hopefully I have dreams of going to Japan in the next couple of years, so this is good to know so I can bring home snacks. Oh my God, we got to go while the yen is still in the shitter. Okay, let's get to go with Jake. All right. MJ? Mine will be quick because it is a reprise of the snack from, I believe it was last week. One day more, one more day to revolution, and we will nip that in the odd.

Another salt, another snackety. Yes. Last week, I think it was last week you guys were talking about Louisville jerky. And then I heard from a listener in Louisville, I believe, named Morgan. I believe they were in Louisville. I know they were named Morgan. And they said, I was just about to send Jackie some Louisville jerky. And then I heard the show.

And she already has Louisville jerky. So would you like the Louisville jerky? And I said, yes. How sweet is that? Yes, I would. So I'm going to be trying the Louisville jerky smoked black pepper. It was a big yes from you guys. Oh my gosh.

Yes. I'm so excited that you get to try the vegan jerky because you also were vegan for so long, right? What's the base? Is it Satan? It's soy, which is why it's good. Soy is great, yeah. Oh, and you weren't there when we tried it. Someone sent it in, and it's truly, it's got a good chew to it.

Because you know, I don't know if you've experienced a lot of vegan jerky, but I've had lots of different kinds of jerky. I used to love the primal strip, like the Shataki mushroom ones. That was like, that kept me alive back in New York. Oh, it's so good. It's so good. Oh, my God. I'm going to order so much money's worth of these. Oh, yeah.

Get that label on camera. This is by far the best vegan jerky I've ever had. Is that 19 grams of protein? That ain't bad. 19 grams of protein, man. Move old jerky, you can sponsor us if you want. You can just send us jerky. We'll eat it.

We'll talk about how great it is. And it turns out all that weird shit about soy being like estrogen was bullshit. Exactly. Eat away. Exactly. Soi is good and there was a big anti- Oh, it's not gonna make my tits bigger though? I thought that was the thing.

Oh my God. I have eaten so much bad fake meat. You guys, I was a vegan in the early 2000s. It was bleak. It was, it was the meat was not perfected. The fake meat was not perfected back then.

We have reached the pinnacle of what fake meat can do. And it is Louisville jerky. I love it. Thank you so much, Morgan. I'm so happy. You know what is the one weird fake meat that has been around forever that is just the goddamn best Bakeos.

Bake-o bits. Yeah. It is crazy that there's not because I watch Natalie eat because sometimes Natalie will put bakeo bits on like because we're big baked potato family so Natalie and I love to go to town

on a big old bag potato and she went to go put bacon and I was like Natalie no because she's a vegetarian. She's like Jackie there's no meat in like bake-o bits. I was like oh wow that's fascinating.

Yeah, yeah I should get some bake-o bits and keep them in the cabinet. With some bake-o on it. but also I see a movement from a Jakey Slaky over here. So as soon as you brought up the the Roxbury soundtrack, I was trying to think

of like what the parody would be and I think I think this is the best I got. What is Gluck? Jakey, don't drink it. Wow. Don't drink it. No mo. Yes. Yes. This week on Jakey Slakey's

we are cracking into the wide world of functional soda. Oh, God, don't glug it, Jake. Don't glug it. It's pop-y, pop well. No. Ollipop. I tipped him off. And the newest edition to the fray is, finally, the big dogs are in it.

It's prebiotic Pepsi. What? Yes, yes. First of all, the fact that they didn't call it poopsie is a goddamn crime. Like, what are we doing people? What are we doing people? You're right. All three of these are cherry colas.

Oh, my gosh. You guys, I had a random can of probiotic soda in my house. And it's a cherry cola. And you also have cherry coli pop from a party left over. And so I was going to try one with you. So we'll start with the olipop cherry cola. I love this. The thing with these functional sodas is they cost two and a half to three to four, even five dollars a piece.

And the thing that happened was in 2018, several Europeans, it always comes back to the Europeans, managed to get inulin fiber approved by the FDA as a fiber source for the use of labeling. Inulin is not like when you think of metamusal or you think of like a roughage. It is a indigestible polysaccharide. So it just kind of goes through your system and then the bacteria in your guts eat it because you can't. Uh-huh. This counts as fiber, but it's really just like, they just created this thicker syrup that gives soda's sweetness and body. Oh, okay, the olipop is an egg. Olive pop.

Sorry. Not to give my review early. I'm okay with it. Tastes like flat old soda. It does taste like flat old soda. You know what? It tastes like after you opened up, it tastes like you opened up a cherry Coke, put it, not a Coke though, like a cherry, something else.

Like a, like a, you know, like, yeah, like, send your cherry from Circle K. You know what I mean? Like, I feel like it's like when they do something like that, and it is, it feels like you opened it up, left it in the fridge, but when you had a bunch of, like, smells in the fridge,

and you know when, like, you open up a liquid and sometimes it absorbs all of the smells inside of the fridge? Yeah. That's what this tastes like. Yeah. So what you were tasting is the, of the selection. That's what you're tasting.

the same thing. I mean, right? You're exactly right. It tastes like a forgotten off-brand cherry cola that you're going to pay $3 for? So this is sweetened or this flavored with natural flavors. So you're tasting tart cherry juice, apple juice, cassava root syrup, lime juice, stevia, which always gives things a little like weird. I think maybe that's what it is.

Maybe it's a stevia. Because I'll throw it out there. The taste is not bad. I feel like, now that. I'm drinking it more. At first, it was that, like, stevia, that, like, noxious where it's like, this is fake. But now the more I taste it, the actual taste is less fake than regular soda because it is, you can taste the juice in it.

I feel like you can taste the different, like, as you were reading it off, I was drinking and I'm like, okay, I see that. I taste the cherry juice. I chase that. I taste that. Okay. So, also, this is the most fiber of all the selections. This is six grams of fiber.

and the others have way less. But this is all, people went kombucha crazy in the 2000s, in the 2010s. The problem is kombucha has to like stay alive. It's actually very difficult to transport. It goes bad fast. And people wanted probiotics. They wanted healthy gut support. But how do you transport it cheaply?

It's not probiotics. It's prebiotics, which is they use this weird enzymatic, sludge that your body can't adjust. What? And it has a slightly sweet flavor and it is syrupy. So like for millennials, for Gen Ziers that have been like kind of, you know, we're, we're, we're LaCroi people now. We're drinking less soda. This has kind of like repositioned the soda as a, as a like little treat.

As, you know, it costs a little more. You pay a little more for it. And it's all natural. It's you're doing good. And the fact is they could sell this shit for a dollar. We are paying for marketing. We're like, these are industrial ingredients.

We're paying for the secret lives of Mormon wives to drink it is really what we're paying for. And they drink a lot of it. If they're not drinking Swig, they're drinking. Or no, they drink Poppy, which is what we're about to start drinking. Because Poppy was once known as Mother, and this was featured on Shark Tank. This is another big kind of national brand. Mother like the apple cider vinegar? Yeah.

Because there's apple cider vinegar in, right? Because that's what makes... Poppy's, yeah, big claim to fame initially was it had apple cider vinegar. The problem is they put a bunch of... Like, apple cider vinegar is like a huge, like, hippie health thing that has not had any real proven benefit. It's the aftertaste. Nope, don't like it. Nope, don't like the afterdase.

This is the one Charlie X-EX and Rachel Seda do the commercial for us, so... This is such a specific... this is such a specific taste that only certain people would understand. Anyone that has had the zoophran tablets that you put in your mouth that fall apart in your mouth, that's what it tastes like that. It tastes like it just like that. After it falls apart in your mouth, then it kind of coats your mouth. That's what this tastes like. But with a little bit of cherry flavor.

This one uses cassava root fiber, only three grams. so only like 10% of your daily value. Again, big stevia hit. I think that medicinal stevia hit is that really holds it back. Apple just concentrate, apple cider vinegar, but they got sued, so now there's no health claims associated with it. Stevia leaf extract. 40 milligrams of caffeine, that's not bad.

That's like a Diet Coke. All right. So between Ali Pop and Poppy, which one is a, which one's better? I guess Oli Pop. Okay. I guess if I had, if I had them and I wasn't purchasing them, I would, I would, I would, I would have the all. All right. Now I need to know about the poopsie.

The poppy is like, it has less fiber, so it's like a little less serapy. It tastes more like a diet soda. Really? Really? Like I will go through like a case of Diet Coke a day if you let me. Uh-huh. But now the national brand, the big dog, trying to make Pepsi, hip and hot. healthy. This is three grams of fiber. This is another. So now a new degradation of our health

codes, soluble corn fiber, which I had to look up what this means. This is, it's indigestible dextrose. So you basically take corn starch, put a bunch of enzymes in it, and it just fuchs up the molecules and rearranges them so that they enter your body. It tastes mildly sweet. And then it just, again, goes through your guts, you don't digest it, and then the bugs in your guts eat it. And that's like, good for your body. I got bugs in my guts. I got bugs. I mean, if you want to, if you, by some estimates, like, there's more bugs than you in you right now.

Jake. But this is cherry vanilla. Pepsi's here to help. Poopsy. Give me a little bit of that poopsie, Jake. Honestly, this is great because I don't usually drink this much, like, carbonated early. I think this is going to give me a zip. Good to give you a zip.

I just can't we just like stir some Mirolax into a regular cherry Coke and call it fiber? That's the thing. I also just, it's like, you know, I know that it's like a lot of, it's like people are, we're not getting a fiber. We're not getting a fiber. And it's like, and I understand. I don't know if soda is the way. This is pure. I'm going to throw that out there.

No, by selling. Poopsie, how's the poopsie? Do you try it? I took a quick sip, but I'm eager to see how you, uh, I'm getting less of a stevia funk on it than the others. It is less, but as someone that is a, I was raised, and I know this is hard for people to hear, I was raised as a Pepsi bitch. And so I have a very high, I know what a Pepsi tastes like. Yeah.

And I know, especially, see, you were a Diet Coke person. I used to be a Diet Pepsi person. And I used to drink like leaders of Diet Pepsi every day. So I can very much tell the difference with this. it is, I do think it is the best of the three. You know what I just noticed on the ingredients? It uses caramel color and phosphoric acid, which are like the two things that make American Cola Cola.

Is that what the difference is? That phosphoric acid bite is what makes a cola taste right versus like a hippie soda. Aha. Is that what makes it really bad for you? I mean, it's acid, whatever. It's ions. Yeah, man. Drop in, drop out.

I care so. much about beverages. I care so much about this shit. But I will say from a like, I want a soda, this tastes the most soda. It does taste the most soda. It's the most like the soda you would be that you are used to drinking. You want a soda and you also need to take a shit. You're going to go with the poopsie. I guess you get the poopsie, but this goes, I am sad that I didn't bring in the, I guess, the poop chips that I got because I also got fiber sun chips. And I was just like, oh, they're just shit chips. And I've just been looking at them in my like snack cabinet of like, oh, yeah, I got the shit

chip. But it's like, you literally get like, I think three grams of fiber in like half of a huge bet. You know what I mean? It's one of those where it's negligible. At the end of the day, all of this is marketing. The novel ingredients that they used to add fiber are just like byproducts of chickory and cassava production and corn production.

the health benefits are barely anything. It is about the markup. It is about elevating the perceived value of a can of soda and getting that profit margin crazy high. The Pepsi was the cheapest one, but that was like an eight-pack cost as much as a 12-pack at my local supermarket. That's where they get you.

You know who this is. So the reason why this shit is everywhere now is because it is a much higher, taking what once was a commodity, race to the bottom product that is like, you know, carbonated soda and turning it into something that is much higher profit and that air of healthiness that like mystique the fancier labels, the fancier packaging. Lies!

It's just marketing. If you want to drink a Diet Coke, drink a Diet Coke, drink a Diet Coke. And just have a fucking vegetable once a day in your fucking meals and you will be fine. This is Jake's other alter ego, Jake Teacher. Oh, yeah. Oh, Jake the teacher. That's really nice. Thank you, Jake, teacher.

Thank you, Jake, teacher. There's no ethical consumption under capitalization. There we is. Thank you, Jake Reacher. Thank you both sides of the Jake coin. We really appreciated having both sides of you here today. And Jake, thank you for being here on page seven. I have the most fun with you guys.

Gosh, we have so much fun with you. Where can we find you, Jake? If you would like to hear me explain more things, please check out the nerd of mouth podcast. It's me, Holden McNeely, and Mike Lawrence every week going into the intricacies of nerdness and recent episode people seem to be enjoying. We went over the new DC Absolute series. If you've ever wondered what happens if Batman got jacked as fucked.

And poor. And poor. Relatively. I don't want him if he's poor. Oh, Jackie, you read a big man, big hands, sad. I know he's bad. But the whole thing with Batman is like, at least he's got a lot of money. No.

Jackie, I swear to God. Is that not the thing? Oh, it's the thing. Cruising for a brusin. After you make these comments. And we had a special guest, Joe Kim Booster. One of the Saja boys, also on the new season of Scrubs, Fire Island. Incredibly funny guy.

He was there talking with us and going over his favorite superheroes. It was a great episode. Please check it out. I think you like it. I think you will. Also, Twitch.tv. Slash puppet Jared is my Twitch channel. It's named my little V-Tuber avatar.

Flagship Stream, the cartoon dumpster. Thursdays, 7 p.m. Eastern. The weirdest, oddest, most gonso bananas cartoons from the 70s, 80s, and 90s with me as your host. It's a grand time. So many times, people will be like, oh, I finally checked it out after hearing about on the podcast. You're right. I'm enjoying this. Yes.

So that's Twitch.tv. Slop at Jared, Thursday's 7 p.m. Eastern. Oh, and if you, you know, you listen to Nerd of Mouth, you watch Jake on Thursday and you think, man, I could actually have more of Holden. You can come hang out with us on Fridays. You got your Thursday Jakey time. You got your Friday, Holy Jackie time. And we go hard every Friday starting at 3 p.m. Pacific standard time, 6 p.m. Eastern standard time. Twitch.tv. slash Holdenators ho.

man, every week, I will say, did Holden piss me off to an extent that I had to yell at him and walk off the stream last week? Yes. But did I come back to the stream and did I apologize to him? No. Should he have apologized to me? Yes. Did he? No. But don't worry, that's the beauty of Jack and you get to sometimes every once in a while. Watch us live yell at each other. And isn't that whatever? The sad part is we're both very very. We're both very. funny when we're angry. And this is inevitably, you know, it is, it is the best part and the worst part. It's like when mom and dad are fighting, but this time it's funny. Yeah, but make it funny and not like you're worried we're going to get a divorce. MJ? Thank you, everybody. We love hearing from you on Patreon.

We love hearing from you by email, page 7podcast at gmail.com. Cannot thank all of you, cozy mystery people enough for reaching out and sharing. your love of Hannah Swenson with me, your love of cozy mysteries. And, of course, join us over at the Patreon where we're doing all sorts of stuff. But more than anything, we love you, Jake. Thank you so much.

Thank you so much, Jake. This is really wonderful. We love having you on. And everybody, have a beautiful amazing week. We're just going to keep on, keep on, we're going to keep on being there for each other. We're going to keep on watching reality television, whether we should technically stop or not.

We'll see you guys. tomorrow. Bye, everybody. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors. You can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to lastpodcastnetwork.com.