Page 7 - Ep. 370: I'm All That

Episode Date: September 17, 2020

We all have therapy breakthroughs as we goss about Chris Evan's accidental dick pic, Mariah Carey's new song, and in celebrity conspiracy corner: is Paula Abdul an aviation LIAR?!?!Join us for vampire humpins over on our Patreon page! Patreon.com/Page7PodcastKevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0 Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Wendy pie, cool little pup and she licks so fine. Whoops so good makes her grown aunt to cry. Sweet Wendy Pyes. Yesterday was Wendy's third year adoptiversary. She's not even my dog, but I pretend like she is because she's my little girl. So now we're sexualizing her. Now we're putting her in a little red top and making her dance for us. Is that what we're doing?

Henry says that I'm not allowed to sing the song to her because it quote unquote sexual. But I know I adapted the lyrics, so it's not about, I'm not just like exploiting her for her sexuality. I'm not cuties my niece right now, okay? I ain't cuties into nobody. Yeah, I'm talking about the upsetting movie on Netflix. That spoiler alert was not that upsetting because I did watch it. Welcome to page seven. We've got things coming out of the gate today.

Woo! It is so early. We are recording this on a different time and a different day. It is the morning. I would normally be so... I'd still be drunk asleep right now. I wouldn't even have worn out at this point. You know what I mean? No, baby. But we're having... That's why my voice is three octaves deeper. I'm that much more congested because my allergy medication is kicked in and my state is on fire. But I like it. I think it keeps it... You know what it does? Keeps us humble. Yeah. Keeps us brave. Well, the most, I think the most, I'm most disturbed about right now is this windy cherry pie song, because as a straight cisgendered male, I can tell you this. Oh, good, because we don't get your opinion about while you're singing that song is some, some disgusting oafish man that looks kind of like Henry just trying to rail away at that tiny dog. She doesn't, no, she's not, she's perfect, she's a sexual.

You are incapable of hearing a song, sung about a dog. If the original intent of the song is about sex, you immediately think about sex with the dog. Yes. You want to have sex with my niece, Wendy. You bastard. You can't have her.

You're not good enough for her. No, this all started because I was, I was reading this long informational article about Warren's band Cherry Pie video. I never knew that the song was banned, or that the music video was banned. I guess it was banned in Canada because it was too sexy. That's not why it was banned.

Just kidding. It was too. Sorry Canada. Sorry Canada. It wasn't fun enough for Canada is really what it is. Yeah, I shouldn't not Canada. They have, there are several steps ahead of us as a country. Yes.

Oh, I would die to be in Canada right now. Are you kidding me? I think about it often. But, so I had no idea that this music video, was banned. And then I ended up reading way too far into Bobby Brown and how she ended up marrying the lead singer of Warrant. And she was completely into it, and that it was actually a parody of the over-sexualization of models and that it was all supposed to be a big joke. And nobody took it as such. And were then, of course, even 30 years ago offended. And I rewatch it. It's pretty

sexy. It is fairly, I get why people would be upset about it. But I don't mean to liken this to the fact that I did watch QD's last night? Because I know that there's a completely separate thing. Have you heard about this? On transition, you're putting mental things together like slides, like a mosaic, like a collage that are upsetting to me.

We're transitioning from Cherry Pie, which is, by the way, the OG. I know we talk a lot about jerking it to music videos and MTV is the only way for you to find sexy things as a youngen to back pre-internet era. That was like the OG model for that. And now we're talking about cuties. Well, because everyone is upset about the movie cuties on Netflix right now.

And if you noticed, hashtag cancel Netflix was trending this week. And it was because of this French movie that had won a bunch of Sundance Awards called cuties about an 11-year-old Muslim girl who wants to join this twerking dance group. And what Netflix did with this beautiful movie, they made, that the picture for the movie cuties, the poster was very hypersexual. They are all actually 11. The trailer that they cut for it completely represents a different movie than what the movie is. The movie is beautiful. It's very well made. It's about the conflicting ideas we give to young girls about being good.

versus being bad and what being bad is. And when you see your mother crying and sobbing because her husband is taking on a second wife and it's something that she has to pretend like she enjoys and that she's proud of. And it's all, it's steeped in just like in the Muslim culture and the problems that this young girl has and trying to choose, is she bad versus is she good?

Which is a fucked up idea to have to put on an 11 year old anyway. So the movie is so much more than just 11-year-olds twerking is what I'm saying. Molly, are you familiar with this poster that has set the world aflame, much like California. Also, that's Molly. I'm holding. And Jackie was the one just talking. I'm sorry. I got so wrapped up. I'm on my first cup of coffee. All right, this is what happens. How do you think Jeff feels? I wake up in the morning and I go like, Jeff, I've got a bunch of opinions about things. And he sits and he listens to all of my opinions. When in reality, Jeff is now still sleeping. the bed. He's still asleep. He's so cute when he's sleep. He's such a cutie. Oh, whoa. Whoa.

Yeah, that's right. He's not an 11 year old. I'm calling him problematic. Molly, are you familiar with this? I am looking at the poster right now. I have to say I embarrassingly have completely not heard of any of this until now. Oh, what do you have two children that are very young? But also, not for nothing. I'm looking at this poster, and I feel like it's only sexual if you're a fucking creep, it's just dance team. It's just a dance team photo. Like, relax. This is exactly what I said. I was like, what about dance moms? What about the things of like little girls that actually do that are, you know, in competition. This is what they wear. Yeah. Like, I get that if you, like, we could have a conversation about whether you like the outfits

that kids wear on dance teams. And like, but this is one of those things where yes, on the one hand, obviously there's like way too much like over sexualization of kids, etc. But also this is an example where I feel like it goes the other way where it's like, well, what if those kids just wear dance outfits and you don't think about it fucking sexually because they're fucking 11? And this might be like rather than being like they need to be covered more, which is a bit puritanical, maybe you can just be like, I won't have fucked up feelings when I see a poster of kids on a dance team.

Like for God's sake. It's like the evangelical, it's like the evangelical preacher being like, oh, those sexy gays out there with their pulsing thighs. Ooh, they shall be damned. Those big old sexy balls. Oh, my Lord. You know, just getting riled up in front of everybody about the sexy guy that he wants to have sex with on a meth vendor after the preaching he's going to be doing that day.

Yeah. I mean, and that is what the issue is. And that's why at first I was immediately. like, yeah, fuck this, until I looked into the movie. And then watching the movie yesterday afternoon. And I was like, oh, okay. And also a lot of the reviewers, which I think, I don't know, so it's a first time writer and director and this woman,

I don't know if this is like the best thing that could happen or the worst thing. Even in Rotten Tomatoes, the audience score is 3%. Because it's so many people that haven't even watched the movie that are just upset about the principle of it, which again, yes, I'm against the hypersexualization of children. Yeah, I'm disgusted by that. But this movie was just like a really good version of the movie, 13. No bra, no panties.

What's the deal with 13? That one popped up actually recently for me. As I was, we've been doing like a sort of year in review of media for Patreon for Wizard. And I never, and 13 was like one of the big movies of 03. I think it was. Yes. And what's the deal with 13? Oh, man.

It's Evan Rachel Wood. I think it does, but I've seen it way too many times. It's Holly Hunter and Evan Rachel Wood. And Holly Hunter's the mom. Evan Rachel Wood is her young teen who falls in with a bad crowd

and she, and then essentially Holly Hunter becomes scared of her own daughter because she has just changed very quickly. She went from being a normal respecting young lady and just falls in with the wrong crowd.

But it really did resonate with me at the time because I myself was around the same age. And so there's this part where she was going after Holly Hunter, where she essentially was like, why am I going to listen to what you say? You're a piece of garbage too. And then she starts pushing her. And she starts going, no bra, no pants, because she doesn't wear her bra and she doesn't wear underwear. And how would she respect her?

Why would she follow what she has to say? And she just like pushes her off like gets the wall and she's pushing her over and over again. And I remember watching this movie and then I would do this to my sister a lot. She didn't appreciate it either because I can't even imagine if I ever did something like that to my mother because my mom never laid a hand on us

and yet still I'm terrified of her. I can't imagine hitting my mom. Yeah. I guess that's good, right? Cuties. Morning time confessions. Wow. Man, we got all over the place just did with Jackie.

It is. So for her, it's like nine in the morning. For us, it's a little more reasonable. It's the afternoon. But man, there was a lot to unpack. I feel like I'm now. I feel like you're Zoom therapist right now. That's like how a therapist lets you keep talking until you stop.

And you start with Holly Hunter is great at it and you end with. I can't imagine hitting my mother. No braw, no panties. I can't imagine it to my mother. but I did it to my sister. Just so much happening in that diatribe. There's a lot to unpack today, guys. Yeah.

If you thought last week was month seven quarantine energy, this is a whole other ball game, guys. My word. And that's why we must discuss, if we're already going there, the fact that what did I send you guys in an email last night without almost no description? Just Chris Evans's penis.

At first I thought it was, Nessy. I thought it was a Loch Ness monster photo. I was like, oh good, they got a new black and white photograph and a much more accurately in the other photos it looks so tiny. You're like, that just looks like a water snake.

This one, I was like, oh, finally the full monster reveals himself. Then, of course, I realized I was looking at a man's penis instead. It was an accident. Chris Evans accidentally shared after

sharing a video. At the end of it, it showed like the grid of the photos that he had in his phone. One of those photos was a picture of his hard penis. And one of the other photos was also a meme of himself with his picture. And underneath it, it said, guard that pussy. And both of these things actually makes me love Chris Evans even more than I did before. What a lucky guy to, for every lady that he beds gets to say, I'm fucking Captain America. You know what I mean? Every woman that he makes give to,

even if it's bad, at the very least says I had sex with Captain motherfucking America, right? Did you say makes give to? Hey, it's early for me technically, okay? But either way, Molly, what do you think about that rock and dog? It is, I was going back and forth yesterday on whether this should be an absolutely just uniformly hilarious story or whether I feel, it seems like he's taking it in stride, right? So like there's no.

That is the only reason why I'm talking about it is because he sees it as funny. Because, of course, I honestly wouldn't discuss this because it is an unconsenting picture that was put out. Like, this is deeply upsetting and embarrassing. and how would I feel if this happened to me? But the thing is that I think if this happened to me and it was just like a big picture of my pussy put out there, you have to joke about it. And this is exactly what Chris Evans is doing.

He's making jokes about it. He's leaning into now the memes that are being created because there's only so much you can do. And as someone that personally likes to make jokes about, I mean, even just last week, I was in front of a bunch of people I had just met putting on a costume that was way too. small and I was deeply

embarrassed because I had to stand in front of other people with a very small costume on which showed every part of my body and did I cry? Yes when I got home but did I cry in front of those people I had just met no I did not congratulations are you saying that you think that Chris Evans is actually

at home weeping or because this is the thing Chris Evans comes out looking great in all of this you know he's like everyone knows I've got a nice cock now everybody already wanted to fuck me like, yeah, I didn't mean to do that, but again, it seems like he, I feel like this is just one of those like accidental delights where it's like, now we all, and we already wanted to fuck him. Now he showed us all his erect dick even if he didn't mean to. And he was like, oops, isn't it great though?

You know, and it all turns out fine. Kind of. I think that it is, well, honestly, Chris Evans, that wasn't even really my type. I think that Captain America kind of is. I definitely can get into that. But I think that the way that he's rolling with this makes him more my type. I get it, Jackie.

Is anyone who defeated Hitler is my type? My type. Into it. Anyone who punched him in his stupid face. Even in a fictional universe is definitely my type. I will definitely go the full yardage with that sort of person. Get that yardage. I think that Chris Evans is my top type of the Chris's

because who else is there? Chris Pratt has been demoted as not even a member of the Chris is anymore in my opinion. Whoa. What about Hemsworth? He's too, you know, I don't like them all necky like that.

He's too much neck. But he's Thor. And what about when he's Daddy Thor? See, Daddy Thor can get it. He's fine. More like snore. Yeah, snore is stupid ass. You're going to get.

Yeah. You're going to get it. You know, I don't like a chiseled, a chiseled neck and shoulder man. I understand. Same with Chris Evans, where he's a little clean cut. Yeah. And a little muscular for my, for my digging. But, I mean, if we're throwing, I guess, oh, wait, no, there's Chris.

Oh, Chris Pine is the other one that I can never actually think of, who apparently is just supposed to be the sweetest dude of all time. Yeah, I always forget Chris Pine, too, even though he's fine. Whoa. Whoa. You heard it here first, folks. We're not that into Chris Pine. Meanwhile, Chris Pine shows up, says, hey, Jackie, I want to have sex with you. What do you think I'm going to say? What do you think I'm going to say? I'm going to say yes for the research. See, you have to be open and willing to always be learning. I'm an ABL bitch. Always be learning. I'm more of a Chris Isaac guy. You're Chris Isaac guy? Chris Isaac Summust

Now, no Holy love Now talk about a video That had some species spiciness going on Oh my God We could replace Chris Pratt With Chris Isaac

Young Chris Isaac could get it Sure I'm totally into that Oh also Holden I thought of you yesterday because I watched Silent Hill for the first time Oh, M.G, I've never seen that movie Should I watch it?

I thought you did a thing on it I thought you did a wizard in the bruiser on it We did an episode on the video game series slash movie, but it's a video game first. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I just thought you would have. I thought of you in the video because it's pretty good. Jackie watched a movie that you've never seen and thought of you. And thought of you, so you're welcome. You're welcome for being such a great friend.

Keep cracking that corn, Jimmy. Keep cracking that corn. Yeah, well, holden cracked corn and I do care. Because in the middle of the night last night, I watched the day. T-Pain Tiny Desk concert. And I thought, you know who would enjoy this? Hold it. And I sent it to him.

And then he just, he shit all over me. I just said, girl, you don't think. I just feel like you underestimated my ability to drunkenly watch YouTube videos of people singing. Because the T-Pain, Tiny Desk concert, by the way, drop everything you're doing right now if you've never seen it before, including Molly. I know. You need to just walk away from the podcast recording and watch.

I have to stop recording. It's important. It's so good. And it's, it's him, no auto tune. And it's, he's just, his voice is so incredible. And he's so soulful. And it's amazing. Even though he's talking about like banging ladies at the club,

he does in a way that I am just like a little tear drop falls. It was beautiful. It's a beautiful performance. Those damn tiny desk concerts. Yeah, they're good. Man, they know what they're doing over there. And they're doing virtual ones now. I definitely saw the Billy Eilish one.

was pretty fun. They just, like, created a fake background of the tiny desk. They were actually on a real set, I think, that they built, so it wasn't just,

like, a virtual, like, background situation. And so they're there, like, it looks like they're in the tiny desk offices, but they just completely manufactured it, and that's cool.

That's very scary. Yeah, and then a robot, and then a robot entered and was like, you will not leave your home until 2030. You will not leave your home until 2030.

Please don't make that happen, Holden. I can't handle it. And then they just showed the last two episodes of Game of Thrones just to make everybody upset all over again about how bad that was. And everybody's crying. And everybody's upset. And now we also found out that Candy Man isn't coming out until next year

because they want everybody to see it in the theaters. And I understand and I appreciate that. But I was really excited about Candy Man, okay? It won't come out until next fear. I hate you. How do we celebrate Halloween this year, guys? Like, for real. How do we do it?

I've been thinking about this once a day. How do we do it in a social fun way? I'm totally down to just like watch horror movies at home alone, but I feel like we should try to find a way to celebrate it as a community. And what's the best way? Do we just like pretend to trick or treat with each other on a big Zoom call? What do we do? What I really wanted to do?

And apparently I don't think that I will. get fans in the grocery stores, but I just want to start keeping large-sized candy bars in my pockets. Okay. And every time I see a kid, I go, happy Halloween, and I give them a full-size candy bar, just like in life. Like make all of October, no matter where you are, if a child is outside of the house, they are allowed to receive candy from a stranger.

You're the candy man. I think that, yeah, I think I would scare people. I think that they would worry that I'm going to follow them home and gut. them open. Right, right. And start talking like this. Well, it was the part where you suggested driving around in an unmarked windowless white

van in order to throw candy? No, it's going to have windows. How am I going to drive? I need to least the one window. And then they can see it's just me. It's just me, Jackie. Throwing possibly poisoned candy at children in order to sort of start some kind of LA

Hollywood ring that I know you guys are all involved in, but whatever. I feel like it's the same kind of thing of like Why would they, you know, any more, why would they ever, why would you ever get drugged by something when really you should pay for those things? You know, don't roofie me, make me pay for the roofie. Why am I going to give out my poison for free? The thoughts and opinions and page 7 do not reflect the thoughts and opinions.

What are you trying to say? What are you trying to say? Is it because I'm kooky in the morning? Is it because I'm unable to censor myself in the morning? Paid for roofies to do it yourself. In our neighborhood at Halloween, there's always like, they call it the Halloween parade

and like everybody, there's like a street in my neighborhood that has like a big median in the middle. And so all the kids gather, in normal times, I don't know if it's going to happen this year, but in normal times all the kids gather on the median in front of this Victorian house

that always gets all decorated, very spooky, and it's called the Halloween house. Nice. And then the kids all just like walk around and trick or treat from there. And so what Jackie, handing out candy before we had kids, Gideon went with friends and their kids, but he had just a bag of candy and he's just walking around like handing kids candy and he was like, yeah, I was so excited to like compliment all the kids on there and be like, oh cool, Spider-Man, ooh, candy. And he was like, a lot of the kids didn't really want to take the candy. And I was like, yeah, because to you, you're like a fun guy there with kids who you know, but to the kids, you're just some guy, like, not in a costume.

You creep without a child, trick or treating. Giving out candy. I think the best thing about having kids for Gideon is now that he gets to talk to other kids outside and be like seeing as like a fun dad that he always has been and not just some guy who wants to be like, cool Spider-Man helmet, you know. So that's, Jack, you might meet some, you might meet some resistance from the kids as just being some grown-up lady, you know. But what if I just say it's me? It's Jackie. You know, page seven. Nobody?

You know, page seven. I was like, that's my name. I'll just scream it at them. You gotta be soaping me. And I'll get more and more aggressive. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So, you know, I live across, everyone knows what everyone knows

and everyone knows that I live across the street from the emergency room. And I was thinking about making their lives a little bit more fun. So what I was going to do is cover myself in fake blood, lay out front of the emergency room, and then when people try to enter,

ah, you know, jump out at them, surprised this. Oh, fuck you fuck, fuck, fuck, I'm gonna mean? Or something like that. While they're trying to enter the emergency room, you know what I mean? It just says a little way to be like, hey, put a little pep in yourself. I know you're upset. Obviously, you're going into an emergency room, so here's a little excitement.

Have some balls. Haunted ER is one I have not. And as a kid, I feel like I did, we did, there was haunted forest. There was haunted dorms. There was haunted, there was a haunted boat. but I've never done haunted ER. ER, arguably, the most haunted. It's scary, especially during a pandemic.

That's truly spooky. Yeah, I'm going to not wear a mask, and I'm just going to cough, cough, cough, and, you know, as they try to enter, but, oh, kidding. I don't. And then I'll show them the paper that says I have the antibodies. You're like, don't worry, guys, it's all fake. And then they'll be like, oh, we don't know if that actually really technically means anything yet. Yeah, we're a whole discussion about dad.

statistics while they're just trying to like survive, like, while they're having it in the middle of a full-fledged asthma attack. Yeah, it'll be great. No, you should recreate the Darren Brown zombie apocalypse thing. You ever see the mentalist Darren Brown that when he's set up, that he, I'm going to put air quotes around it. So get ready for this. When he quote-unquote hypnotized people and then they came back to, they're playing a video. game and then he hypnotizes them and then they come back to you and they're inside of a hospital and they're actually inside of the video game that they were playing and they don't know that

it's not real and then they wake up and they're in the middle of a zombie apocalypse it's actually very upsetting to watch because these people uh according to what we are told to believe i am untamed but we are told to believe that they don't know that it is fake we've been talking about mentalists a lot on the show lately. I just want to put a little flag there. I've been watching a lot of mentors. I've been watching a lot of Darren Brown. I've been weirdly obsessed with Darren Brown alone. I've just been alone watching Darren Brown videos. See, I get more afraid for the zombie actors when I'm watching stuff like this than I do for the... Yes, because I'm just like, oh, they're going to get punched in the face. Well, this is what scares me because there's a lot of drive-through

Halloween things this year, which honestly, I've already got tickets to two different events. Like, I'm ready to try this out. I'm ready to try out new socially distant Halloween. But I'm nervous because obviously, they're not going to be jumping in front of the car or anything like that.

Right? That would be spooky. I don't know. Like, I actually don't. In my brain, I'm like, well, nothing is scarier to me than the idea of driving anyway because you're just a killing machine. But that's my own something

that I have to deal with in therapy, confessions. So I'm a little nervous about Haunted Weans via the car. Yeah, I think we're going to be discussing a news article about that. About Jackie's Apressy. I'm not maybe on Jackie, but it's just like,

we're going to put a bunch of people in very powerful machines and we're going to try to scare. People like to get drunk, you know. Right? Yeah, and people will be drinking and we're going to try to scare them as much as possible while they are operating. while they're driving.

A massive death trap. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, you're right. They should not do that. So I don't know. Maybe they do their scaring if you are in park.

Like maybe you drive through and then you park and then they jump out. I'm not sure. Which is why I need to see. Maybe it's like a drive-through. Maybe it's like an actual or like a car wash rather, right? Where it'll like you'll park and then it'll be like on rails. Everyone will just dance around you. Yeah.

What you could also do is have everybody come on a less lethal vehicle like an adult scooter. I've been riding an adult scooter lately, and adult scooters are really having a renaissance in New York City. There's adult scooters everywhere. You could also have like a bike, like a fun bike spook-a-thon, you know? We could just have everybody...

Have I not talked about how much I hate the scooters? I'm sorry, Molly. Oh, yeah, dude. I scream at the scooters. You guys are cursed with the scooters. My hometown of Charlotte, North Carolina is cursed with the scooters, and it always just invades. I hope it never comes here. We have the city

bike thing, but that's totally different. Because it's literally like this scooter company comes into your town, completely takes it over, covers your town in scooters, people just leave them wherever. Everywhere. Wait, are you guys talking about like electric scooters? Like the little mopeds?

Okay. Yeah. I'm talking about like a razor scooter for grownups. Totally. That would be cool. That's what I've been... Oh, see, then that's great. No, razor scooters are great.

That's what I've been riding. But I see. You're talking about like a city bike, but for like a moped. The scooters are an... nightmare and if you want to walk anywhere then they're allowed on the goddamn side walls. Yeah and they're blowing yeah and then these idiot people are

because only who's going to get this thing and sorry if you're listening at home and you're one of the people who got this thing but these idiot morons are the only people who do it and then they just leave it wherever and they just are bashing into you and stuff we were at like a very busy bar crawl downtown in Charlotte and people were just

zooming past us in these fucking death traps. Seems like they shouldn't be allowed on the sidewalk. There should be like a special there should be every street should have a bike lane and then they could be in the bike lane theoretically safely. We're living in a wallless world, Molly. I know.

They leave them willy-nilly. They leave them everywhere. They're always in the way. People are always... And then he's like, oh, I can't park. There are scooters there for some reason. You know what? I yell about the scooters a lot.

I didn't know there was such a plague of scooters around, of electric scooters. I'm sorry. I got electric scooters barking at me my right here and I got Chris Evans big old ding-dolling. screaming at me in my left. You know what it is?

It's a good shape. And you very rarely, look at, I don't generally personally look in an erect penis and go, wow, I want that in me. I don't really care that much about specifically. It's like looking at just vaginal lips and being like, ooh, I'm so horny by that. Looking at lips doesn't really make me horny. Looking at just an erect penis doesn't make me horny. But it's a pretty good shape.

Like I say, you know what? It is straight up Captain America's penis. Yeah. It is just, it is a, it's got a little shield at the tip. That's how you can show. It's just what you'd expect. It is a penis. I think if you're going to accidentally leak a nude, it's nice for everyone to be like,

that's just as nice as I expected it would be, you know. Yeah, good for him. It's the amount that I would recognize him if I met him in person. You know what I mean? I'd be like, I think that that is Captain America or is it just a normal, fine looking man. You know what I mean? Right.

Is that mean? Am I not allowed to say that? No, that's, I feel like that Chris has a really my type. He's just like very nice. He's just like a very nice looking man. Yes, I would have a beer with him for sure. Mm-hmm. And maybe a, maybe a sausage perhaps? Holden.

A mustard-covered brot-wurst. Speaking of other things that I've been screaming about that no one, I don't think that anybody really cares about, I was so reviled. by the idea that the She's All That remake is actually happening. They've been talking about this remake for a very long time. But also, you know, quidessentially, She's All That is a movie that we have made fun of since the beginning of time.

You're like, oh, you took this hot girl with glasses and took off her glasses. But in reality, it's like, no, we just gave her the confidence for us to find her sexy. Yeah. Also, way hotter with the glasses, by the way. That's my favorite thing about the movie. Hotter before the transitions, my favorite part. Also hotter than Freddie Prince Jr. Like, Freddie Prince Jr. was always not in the same league with her.

Talk about he is the Chris Evans of 1998. Truly. Good looking man. You know, he is, and now I know that he has a beautiful marriage with Sarah Michelle Geller. Mazel, mazel, good for them. However, this reboot, they just cast a TikTok star. Her name is Addison Ray. and they are, they think that they are just so beyond their years, because in this remake,

guys, it's gender swapped. They're remaking a boy instead. Isn't that groundbreaking? Oh, isn't it so good that they're putting the money into this movie? Oh, thank you. Because I've been, I'm like, when are they going to say that the boy needs, oh, God, can boys be nerds too? never heard of that concert. I just, I was so...

Good Lord, you are on fire right now, Jackie. I was so angry. I was so angry about it. They're calling it he's all that. Okay? Why? Make a new story. Can boys be dirt too?

I've never heard of that. Might be my favorite thing you've ever said on the show. I'm more upset about the star, which is this TikTok star, and Ray. Addison is one of those awful names that you hear like mothers to be considering, you know,

but they never actually end up. My famous one that I always talked about was Brailin. At one point, I had a my wife was like, my friend is considering this name. What do you think about this name? Brailin. And I was like, that is the worst

name, never named the child that. And then now we have Addis. Listen, but also I went, I was like, all right, YouTube, what do you got for me? Because I don't have TikTok anymore because I don't want them to steal my DNA. As they do, I don't want them to take my jeans from me and put it in a test tube and create a dinosaur out of it. Good for you. Good for you.

Yeah, whatever. Yeah, whatever. Because the hold and sore will only be of my creation, okay? And it will look like me. And it will be like a velociraptor with big giant glasses on that makes inappropriate jokes. about, you know, body parts. But I digress, and this is my Zoom therapy session in which I tell you that I feel like

a dinosaur version of me reminds me of my relationship with my mother. Whoa. Yeah, I'm going there. Who you will never hit. Yes, in this, does that mean you as a dinosaur have to gnash upon her nipples to be fed?

Or does that mean you feed on her flesh? Now, what I'm saying is that all the other dinosaurs at my school think I'm super lame, but then this super popular, very sexy, large-breasted dinosaur lady who all the other dinosaurs like comes in, reforms me, takes the glasses off in the seminal scene. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Are you talking about me right now? Am I your mother? Yes. We made it. It's a breakthrough. It's a therapy breakthrough. Jackie's my mom. I, you can start calling me, Jan, now.

Man, I love therapy. This is amazing. Yeah, man. I really highly recommend it. He's all that. He's all that. But Addison Ray, I went to YouTube. This is where this started, by the way.

I went to YouTube, and I looked up Addison Ray, like, best up TikTok. And I was blown away about, and I'm sure a lot goes into it. I'm sure there's a whole setup and, like, I don't know what's going on. But it very much looked to me like this person gets millions of dollars. for putting in, I want to say, the least effort possible to make that amount of money as a... Yes. Like, it is, I was dumbfounded at how little I was seeing on the screen. There was music playing.

She was doing these little dance moves. You don't, on a lot of it, you don't even see her full body. She's just kind of like, she's just sort of, she's like a wiggle, those little wiggle things. Oh my God. Yeah, like in front of a car wash. Yeah, in front of a car wash. Those big wiggle things. It's like that.

But it's like just a human person that is pretty and therefore I was shot. And I know this is such an old man thing. But I feel like in other, at least another TikTok famous TikTok things, I see some editing work. I see concepts. I see, but this person making most, for the most part, there's a couple of those in there, little skits, I'll call them. But for the most part, it is literally just a person going. If you want to describe what I'm doing.

Yeah, it's really, oh yeah. Well, his arms are up in the air. He's covered in sweat. I imagine she's covered the same amount of sweat. When Holden moves one foot back from his computer, you can see how much sweat is on his shirt. Oh, my God, under his breast as well. That's where the rib.

That's where they took the rib. That's where they took the rib. Oh, yeah. You're just like that. That's it. That's all she does. She just goes. Oh, my God, he's got his wiggling.

He's been jama. I'm wearing pajama pants right now, too. Yeah. I put on real people clothes at 9 o'clock in the morning. I put on real people clothes, all right? I'm wearing my PJ pants. What, don't hate. I have a dress on.

Dude, you're such a hater today, Jackie. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's because of he's all that. And it's because of the goddamn scooters. I'm having an issue this morning. And Molly's such a lava today. It's like love and hate on this Skype call right now.

Oh, my God. You're right. We're just like Stacey and Darcy. I'm Darcy. I'm Darcy. She's shoes. I called Darcy's shoes. Fake lupitons.

I agree with you, Holden, and it was funny because it's almost like your old man getting into each other's brains because Henry also screamed about TikTok last night towards me for about 20 minutes just about how dumb it is and how he doesn't understand how young people are making money. I was like, what do you think older people said about YouTube? I was just thinking. The process I went through it my head was, they're getting stars from TikTok now?

And then I was like, well, I suppose they got some stars from YouTube. Like, I had to go on that journey silently. YouTube, I guess so hard. But it's funny, like YouTube, again, there's like these fast cut editing. Like even the people I secretly loathed who were getting tons of success on YouTube, you couldn't hate the fact that they were like clearly doing a big amount of editing work. There was a big setup. There was also a concept at all.

they were talking about something they were creating something even with what was the it's not vimeo but what's the vine even with vine and these pretty people I miss wine can I say that I miss I miss vine terribly there was a concept even with streaming like these stream people

Twitch and YouTube streamer people they're like streaming for hours at a time but I'm watching this person with a first name that I fucking hate just do literally the least amount of anything possible and they're making millions of dollars and that's fine but like come on like can we see a like i don't know maybe i watched the wrong uh highlight vid and there's more to it than what i was seeing but it was literally the same camera angle the same thing over and over again with a

different song and a different outfit just literally like doing the wiggle man and i'm just now i immediately think of you because there is i was thinking of this video of this girl whose name was it is H-A-L-E-I-G-H, right? Haley. But she said, well, actually, I start going by H-L-A-N-A-N-N-E-N-E-N-E-N-I-N-I-I-N-I-G-N-I-B-E-E-L-E-E-L-E-E-L-E-E-L-E-E-L-E-E-E-E-L-E-E. It's a weird spelling. I'm fine with it, you know? push your boundaries, untamed. I get it.

But it's Haley. Don't call it Haley. I'm not going to call you Haley. You're not Jack A. And you never will be. You're not cool enough. Yeah, I'm going to call you High Lie. I'm going to call you the sport highlight.

God, Jack A is so cool. That's what's going to be then. It's her outfits. There can only be one Jack A, although you're always a little bit Jack Hay to me too. Oh my God. I'm just hearing Nell words right now. I'm just hearing a Nell impression right now with these words. Whoa.

Hey, Tay and we. Halay in the wind. Halle in the wind. I'm also thinking of Jack A right now because Sister's sister was just put on Netflix. I was going to say, Jack A is the mom from Sister Sister to me,

which is perhaps not an accurate representation of her body of work. But, you know, if we're talking about the 90s, which won't die in this fucking decade because we have to revive everything from the fucking 90s, like she's all that, then we should at least talk about sister, sister. Never know how much.

I'm mister. That theme, the intro to sister sister is, I watched it, and I hadn't seen it in so long. And watching an episode of it, I was like, thrown all the way back into my childhood. I have not been thrust that hard back into middle school in a minute, well, until I was in front of a bunch of new people with a costume. That was a middle school moment for me as well. I'll throw that out there. I meant it was pretty funny for the people, though, that were in the room with you a little. No, I made a lot of jokes.

I didn't want to show that I was actually upset. I just made jokes instead about, I was like, yeah, I guess I could blame this on quarantine, but we all know it's not the quarantine that did it, desperately to try and make a friend. Right? It's like just bombing on Saturday. Right, everybody.

That guy knows what I'm talking about. Right, Corona, it's not a beer. It's not a beer anymore. Everyone just staring at, you know, deathly silent. Who hired her? Why would this? Why is she here?

Can someone get her out of here? I try to juggle, but I can't get all the balls of the earth that's sick. You're like, not even making sense. What am I, Chris Evans? Craft services, where's the craft cheese? What? Am I wrong? Here?

Is anyone going to laugh at anything I say right now? This is my self-defense mechanism, and I need someone to laugh. I just slice my throat in front of every girl. Well, there she goes. Make it a mess. That's your She's All That moment. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, they'll get transformed.

It's the opposite. It's not the taking off of the glasses. It's the loosening of the outfit. Of the outfit. It's how it's them drawing where they have to put the vents in to add more fabric into the sides. That's where, that's my She's All That moment. As I just stare off into middle space

pretending I'm Wendy going into a pool of water. Just shut off. Just pretend like it's not happening. Just completely shut down. Well, someone else is pretending something's happening that isn't maybe happening. Can we talk about celebrity conspiracies for a second? Yes, we can. Good segue.

The title of today. And by the way, shoutouts to Stephen and Chloe, who each separately sent me this story via Instagram. Thank you so much. We even spoke, we should do this, Jackie. We even spoke about setting up an email address for submission. submissions for articles and celebrity conspiracies and anything

people want to submit so that to make our lives a little more easy but also to integrate you guys in the process even more but still we will get on that. We'll probably have that for you next week. Still You'll get on that. The title of today's conspiracy is

Paula Abdul's plane crash. What? So here is the theory and this is really fascinating. This is one of those ones where it started off. I was like, oh whatever. This whatever and then like I'm now fully convinced that apparently, all right, Paul Abdul, everybody

loves her. She started out as a cheerleader for the L.A. Lakers and managed to work her way into major stardom through the 80s after she released the album Forever Your Girl in 1988 and then classically danced with that cartoon cat and that music video that was in the Two steps forward and two steps back

We come together because I'll sit down. I get it. It goes in the cherry pie category for me a little bit. A little it, not gonna lie. But either way. You wanna have sex with that fake cat? No, well, I wanted to be that cat

in that video. And the way that she sort of did is connected to him physically in that video. But either way, however, in the early 90s curiously, just to have Paul Abdul's gaze directed at you the way that she gazed upon the cat.

For just a second. Oh yeah, that really gets my giblets scronging. I don't know. Yeah, man, yeah, get them all wet with gravy, bro. Euphemisms get weird early on a Sunday podcast, all right? They just think you. You could say, you could say that really gets my Chris Evans going.

Yeah, it really gets my Chris Evans posted on Twitter. But either way, in the early 90s, she took some time off because according to her, she was recovering from a plane crash in 1992, a crash that many to believe to have never have happened? Abdul said this, and this gets deep, guys. This goes deep because there was a reporter from Jazabal that got deep on this. This is deep on this.

You're right. Abdul said during the end of my world tour, the spellbound tour, when I was traveling from one city to the next in a small seven-seater plane, one of the engines blew up and the right wing caught on fire. And we crashed landed. I didn't have my seatbelt on and I hit my head on the top of the plane. And that went on to, I withstood,

15 cervical spinal surgeries, and I have to take seven years off and then reappeared on American Idol. Wait, what? Yeah. She, I don't know, this quote's weird, but I should have fact checked it. But either way, she's saying that she did have her seat pill on, hit her head on the top of the plane as it went down. And then she had to have 15 cervical spinal surgeries and take seven years off from her career. And then she came back with American Idol. So why the skepticism?

Well, interesting. Let's just take a look at how plane crashes are recorded and how there's no evidence of this plane crash at all. Oh, no. Are we about to have a 9-11 conversation because I definitely spent Friday night reading and listening to the voicemails by myself and sobbing. Don't do that. Why did you do that? Wrong with you? I'm having a weekend, guys.

All right. Either way. No, we're not talking about 9-11 at all right now. It's not at all at this. First of all, a search of Nexus archives yields no news stories from the 90s about Paula Abdul, who was at one point a bona fide superstar surviving a plane crash. A Jezabel reporter then digs deep,

and the first account they can track down was from an episode of Dateline in 2003. Another remarkable thing, that's like the first mention of this crash, that it was supposedly happened in 1992. Another remarkable thing is that none of the plane crashes, and I think this is the most damning, evidence. None of the plane crashes in the National Transportation Safety Board's database

remotely fits Abdul's description, given the possible dates when such a crash allegedly took place. The NTSB that I just mentioned, that it investigates every civil aviation accident in the U.S. It is like vaguely possible. It was a spokesman for there that said it is vaguely possible that a crash would go unreported, but it would have to be in a way that like they would have had to have gotten rid of the airplane. They said it would, you know, the way she describes it, it caught on fire and, you know, crashed into the ground. Like, it was such, at least the way she describes it, it was big enough for them to, would have, they would definitely have investigated this crash.

Whoa. In the past, Abdul has said the accident took place between the St. Louis and Denver stops on her tour, which puts her there in St. Louis on June 19th, 1992, and in Colorado, on the 22nd of June. She said she got on the plane right after she got off stage, and that 30, and that this is a quote, 35 minutes into the air leaving St. Louis going to Denver, an engine blew up, right wing caught on fire at the other end and crash landed in flames in a cornfield. Where she claims the plane crash landed is another matter of contention.

She said that the plane landed in a cornfield in Iowa, but at its closest point, Iowa is about 200 miles away from St. Louis and well north of the straight shot from St. Louis to Denver. And also, like, they went, they looked at every plane crash that happened, like, in the vicinity of that time. There's, like, none that happened anywhere near where she's saying it happened. And all the other ones, there were, like, all, I poured through all these maps and crashes and stuff that reveal that there's, like, no way any of the crashes reported in the vicinity of that time and date. And there's very few that, you know, it's not like planes crash every day. You know what I mean? that so so just very very little and they were all like way outside of where she's saying this happened

she also claims there was no news coverage because quote that's something i quietly made go away no paparazzi or tabloid stuff how can you make a plane crash go yeah right like i get i get making a your own like getting your own maternity ward and make sure making sure like no press or anybody like i'm talking about biancagently oded and recovered you know i can get trying to hide that. But an entire plane crash, and you were the biggest, like, one of the biggest pop stars in the world at the time of this crash. Yeah.

Yeah. More recently, Paula Abdul made these comments. You know what? It's like there are seven other people that were on the plane who were in that plane accident with me, so I really don't care what people have to say. I don't. It's like you learn to grow through, you learn and grow through wisdom and experience of being in this business, especially with the internet.

You can't take things personally. the things that resonate with you that can help you become better, the best version of yourself, you hold on to and you work through that. If there's something that you know you can actually work on that can improve who you are as a performer or as a professional or as a human being, I resonate with that. And the other stuff isn't my business. That sounds like the words of someone who just got caught lying about a plane crash. All right.

So Molly Zala and Jackie, do you believe? How can you lie about it? something like that. It's pretty crazy. That's insane. Like that is something where it's just like, not even that like if we, I wouldn't be like, oh, I think that she like needs to talk to

somebody. Right. About the fact where it's like or did you make this up in your brain because you needed that then you ended up taking all that time off? Was it that like oh well then I needed a reason of why I took the time off maybe she just like couldn't handle like she needed a break from her life

for a second. She did a break or the real reason for time off was something that she didn't want revealed, like addiction issues or something like that. I mean, at the same time, I think there is a world in which she is not lying, and we should definitely acknowledge that, and just say that, like, if that is the case, then I, you know,

would feel terrible just immediately assuming she's lying. But the evidence is pretty damning, like, especially, I think, the national transportation, what is the name of that thing? I already closed out my window with this. The NTSB reportage, like, the National Transportation Safety Board database.

That's where I'm like, what? Maybe she, and so unless she got the dates wrong and the tour, you know, I think it's possible that, but again, too, to not. Maybe she was on an illegal plane. Maybe she was, like, with a pilot that was kicked out of the pilots league. And then they, she found this illegal pilot that will take her in between her tour dates, right? And then maybe that's why it's not on the scene. And they took out the black box.

from inside of the plane so they don't know that the plane went down. It does seem insane to me too that a person would go through a plane crash that involved, a plane being set on fire, crash landing in a field, to not wear their seatbelt and survive it seems pretty fucking crazy to me.

It just seems like this is something that, like, it just seems like you shouldn't have to give like a huge statement about like, you know what, I don't care if you believe me or not. Like, it seems like you should be able to verify this if it happened. Like, are any of the other seven people able to, did they all die?

Like, or did they not? Yeah, where are the seven people? Where are the seven people? Apparently there were no deaths in this crash. Yeah, so find somebody else to verify it. You don't have to just put out a statement that's like, I mean, admittedly, if you were in a plane crash and no one believed you, it would be very frustrating and you would probably put out a statement that's like, listen, I don't care if you believe me.

I was in a plane crash. Definitely in a plane crash. I would definitely, though, I feel like if I was in a plane crash, no one believe me, I feel like that is easily verifiable. And I would, I wouldn't even put a statement out. I would just fucking show the evidence of the fact that I was in a plane crash. Right.

You know what I mean? You always take a selfie in front of your plane crash. Always make sure. Remember that. You folks in home. Just in case, even if you're not even thinking

about one day eventually becoming a celeb, it doesn't matter. Take that selfie. And also hold a piece of paper up with a date in the selfie so that we know. Go to the bodega,

buy a paper. Come back. Get your selfie with the paper. Go to the bodega. In the Iowa court field. But until I see such evidence pointing otherwise, I think that she's lied about this fucking plane crash, bro. Yeah. Yeah, or on a ghost plane.

But I do agree with you, and I think that it is more real, I think it's fake plane than ghost plane. Right. Yeah. Yeah, she lying. She lying. And hopefully, the tales that are on this list aren't a lie. Oh. Okay.

Who? You have to sing the song for me. Who's on the list? Jackie, got to have that list. Oh, this list is Demented Tales of Rockstar Sex. You've never heard before. I'm going to throw it out there. I was immediately sucked into this list because the first thing on the list was

David Bowie banged Slash's mom. So I follow Slash on. Instagram. And the following slash on Instagram is, there are even times that he posts pictures that I'm like, I think this is too much. How is this allowed on Instagram? They're all very, like, disturbing, sexy pictures of models, but then also weird dad jokes. I don't know.

Lookup slash is Instagram. It's very, very weird. But apparently David Bowie and Slash have a bit of a rivalry. And it is a unique rivalry because David Bowie had sex with Slash's mother. And during the making of the man who fell to earth, Bowie, which also this list refers to him as a vagabond and satanic sperm incubator, began a passionate affair with his costume designer. The lady in question was Ola Hudson, a woman. a world famous designer responsible for the looks of other rock luminaries like Ringo Starr and John Lennon.

She's also the mother of some guy named Saul Hudson, although we know him better as Slash. So that's kind of fun. They hate each other because he had sex with his mother. Yeah, that's fun. That's a good reason to hate someone. Yeah, and Slash openly said in 2012 that he absolutely despised Bowie because of this. And while the relationship between Bowie and his mother was mysterious, slash knew what was up.

So that's, you know, I think that if David Bowie had sex with my mother, I'd be fun. Yeah, I think I would take it as a massive compliment. Yeah, right. That's like bragging rights, if anything. Are you kidding? David Bowie wanted to have sex with my mother, please. Could you imagine, and now imagine David Bowie having sex with your mother, Jackie. You know what, govah?

I'm saying to govah. I think that it's great. I say you get in there, mom. I don't want to hear about it necessarily, but if you could just like, think kind of. Oh, my God, Jackie, have I got a story to tell you? I got to want to hear her to talk about it. David Bowie came over last night. He showed up in a spaceship.

He made me a salami sandwich and then we barked like dogs until the morning life. I understand. I would bark like the dog too. Mom. I fed him and I fed him and now he's fat, David Bowie. He would be fat David Bowie if he started banging my mother. My mother would definitely make a bad David Bowie, especially from a corpse. Number six, Motley crew rubbed egg burritos on their dicks to mask the smell of groupy sex.

I believe this one. This might be too early in the morning, and it does make me a little sick to my stomach. But the list says in the early days of the band, most members had girlfriends, which is problematic when your job kind of consists of you having sex with groupies. Not wanting to break up with the love of their lives, but also wanting to constantly be boning other people whenever they weren't home,

the crew came up with the plan. After every piece of backstage or recording booth tale, the band would take Tommy Lee's van to a place called Nogles. There, they celebrated their infidelity with a round of egg burritos, one to eat and one to slather all over their dick and balls. All right. What is this cracked article? This is real. By the way, it says slather all over there, dicks and balls, which for some reason is more funny and upsetting to me than just dick and balls.

And before you ask, couldn't they just shower? Remember that this is Motley crew we're talking about. Look at them. taking a shower would raise more suspicions than coming home smelling of strange vaginas. Man, this person has a fucking bone to pick with dudes. What are you talking about? I didn't read through all of this. This is very funny.

It is written by a dude and a lady, respectively. I guess two-person job for this listicle that involves seven entries. So that is fascinating. Seven entries. And they just, and then they would tell their girlfriends if they, asked about it, we would tell our girlfriends, oh, we dropped the burritos in our laps. We fell dick first into a vat of eggs and burritos. Jeff, if you're listening to this right now, if you come home and you're smelling like

eggs, I'm just going to make you, I'm not even going to ask if you slept with somebody else. I'm just going to ask you to take a shower. That's just, right? If your partner's crotch smells like eggs, just put them right in the shower. I don't even immediately think. Maybe technically they are the smartest ones. Goodbye.

I like that they did it all together. The smallest ones. It's like a real bro bonding experience to just take out your dicks and rub them in burritos. Wouldn't they burn? I guess you'd have to, like, would you have to ask without cheese? Because I don't. You would have to probably take them out of the wrapper while you're eating your first burrito so that they cooled by the time you're done eating.

Yes. And then be like, all right, now it's time for stage two. the stage where we take our dicks out and put the burritos on our dicks. Yeah, I guess you're right. You know what? Good for them. This is a fun one, but we knew this if you listened to the Mariah Carey episodes of pop history, Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey had sex to her music.

I think that this is great. If I was Mariah Carey, it also had sex to my own music. Also, when she gave birth, she was playing a loud live. concert of hers so that her children would be born into the world to applause for their mother. Because Mariah Carey is perfect in every way, shape, or form. Don't worry, September 19th, her book is coming out. Very soon, guys. I wouldn't mind hearing a tape of applause for me while I was giving birth, but it wouldn't be about like my kids needing to hear that. It would be about, like, yeah, I just did that.

applaud me, you know. And I am great. Yes, I completely get that too. I think she might be a bit of a narcissist. Whoa. I don't appreciate your opinion right now, holding. Just thought it out there. I didn't realize it before.

I know we did a multi-episode thing on her for pop history, but I'm realizing it now. Maybe a little bit of narcissism going on. Yeah, but she's. She deserves it. And that's why the mental illness goes unchecked. But how do you feel about David Lee Roth? She deserves to have her mental health issue.

David Lee Roth paid his road crew $100 for every woman they brought him backstage. This one seems pretty standard, doesn't it? Yeah, that seems like completely normal. See, I actually, I don't really get, unless you're using them to like vet, who gets to come back and who doesn't? Because I can't imagine he needs any help getting groupies to come backstage with them, right? Yeah, but he's busy. Yeah, they're busy.

They don't want to put that work in. I mean, they just want them waiting there backstage for as soon as they get off. You know, they rip a line, you know, eat a burger, and then talk to these females probably. You know what's crazy is I've never really thought about this before, but I don't think I'd want that. Aren't you exhausted after doing a show? The last thing I'm thinking about is having sex. Well, no, no, because you have the adrenaline, though, of thousands of people screaming your name and all that stuff.

So you get offstage. You maybe have some salmon, actually. Screw the burger tonight. Let's maybe get a little healthy in there. Let's have a salmon and do a giant rail of cocaine. And then where is the room full of women? I call them breast havers. I'm that bad.

Oh, yeah, the breast havers. I hold and don't. but in this scenario, Axel Rose, whoever is calling them that. But what about your little Elvis? Holden, do you have your penis insured? Uh, no. I do not have my penis. David Lee Roth does.

David Lee Roth has his penis, and the penis's name is Little Elvis, and the penis is insured. So I guess if you have an insured penis, you would want to make sure that you got the cream of the crop of the roadies. And so whenever he brought the, um, The next morning he would give the $100 to the roadie that brought back the lucky girl that got to have his penis inside of her. Only one roadie and it was the one, and it's just a hundred bucks? I feel like that's super not enough money for the work.

Yeah. I think that especially fighting one, like, and what if the person is a crazy person or is a bad egg? Does that mean they don't get the $100? Bad egg burrito. Vetting a groupie for backstage sex got to be a, you know, at least a part-time job, if not a full-time job. Right. Yeah. And also, in case you were wondering, Marilyn Manson apparently is too many sex rules.

What are these rules? What are the rules? I was trying to find the rules. Well, apparently he likes his rules, and he's got them. So don't worry about it. Oh, okay. The lights have to be off. Oh.

Is one. That's too many. Oh, so he has an antique abortionist chair covered with a bear rug. That's where he likes to have sex. Also, he has to have it while keeping his underwear around his ankles. Are you making this up? Nope. I am looking at the same article that is definitely one of his rules.

Which is so funny to me because that's so awkward to me. Oh, in case he needs to flee the room. Okay, I'm just reading that too. The desert that make it even more difficult, just run out without your underpants on. You're Marilyn fucking Manson. You can do whatever you want to do. A minimum of five times a day? How do you keep it?

I mean, I don't even think I want to have sex five times a day. Who's got that kind of time? That sounds pain. And the goal is 10. Yikes. You're right. It's too many sex rules. Yeah, that is too many rules.

Especially for, I don't want to picture Marilyn Manson with his scary face and his underwear around his ankles and the lights off. Do it five times a day. At least you don't have to see. Yeah, lights will be off at least. I just, I mean, I would definitely probably have sex on a vintage abortionist chair once. But every time, I'm all right. Yeah. I'm good.

My legs. That's a special occasion. Does that mean your legs are up in the air and the stirrups? Does that mean you just get to lay there or not do anything? Because, I mean, I don't think that's fun, but I can imagine a couple of times that would be fun. Sure. But that's it for my list today. Fantastic stuff.

because I have recently gone, blind, or at least I think I'm going. Ah, blind! Items! We can't see them. Wow, incredible. I'm super blind, y'all, and I'm not reading this. Out loud.

All right, here we go. This first one's a fun one for a group that's a done, done. That'll make sense in a second. That's your initial clue. The reality family likes to pretend their product lines are sold out and they are rushing to make more. The actual truth is that major retailer is tired of negative product reviews slash returns and nothing is ever sold out.

They don't even sell well and won't be placing another order. Is it Kim Kardashian? It is the Kardashians slash Jenners. The Kardashians have reported, and I know we've talked about before, the Kardashians are reportedly promoted many contentious and some unhealthy products. L reported that the list of controversial products includes skim's waist trainer, flat stomach teas and lollipops, sugar bear hair vitamins, and KKW contour stick as some. The skim's waist trainer has previously raised eyebrows, as the site reported many health professionals have considered it unhealthy. This is a waist trainer, which is a shaping garment similar to a girdle. The waist trainer pulls a person's midsection as tight as possible.

The idea behind a waste trainer is that the pulling action gives the person a sleek or smaller waist. Some people suggest that wearing a waist trainer while working out can aid weight loss, which is the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. That just sounds painful and stupid. I bet you would actually get a worse workout wearing one of those, and therefore it would actually have a negative effect on weight loss. You just can't breathe properly. Yeah, so you're not going to get a good workout. No. You're not going to get oxygen moving.

No, I just even noticed this morning that Kim is, Kim Kardashian is debuting her maternity line of shapewear. So you can make sure that that waist looks small when you're filled with child. Oh, good. Maternity shapewear. That is it? Oh, Molly, isn't this great? Don't you want to make sure that your baby looks as tiny as possible inside of you? Haneous.

I'm like, oh, something looks different about you. No, no, no, no, no. There's no baby in here. I'm just as thin as I used to be. Don't worry about me. I definitely scoffed at that this morning, so this makes a lot of sense. Guys, I thought I could see again for one second, but it turns out I'm still probably blind. So here's the next one.

Well, I hope that you got some items for us. Oh, yeah. This permanent A-list singing diva blends drugs on the sex tape she made with an A-list rapper many years ago. The question of whether this recording still exists is something the celebrity has been very cagey about, but everyone is afraid to call his bluff. Now, I will say that we've talked about this rendezvous in the past. We just mentioned this person literally minutes ago. Kim Kardashian.

Mariah Carey. Yes, and? Mariah Carey and. Who's the rapper? Is it Fred Durst? No. The rapper we've talked about in the past that she possibly had a bit of a bang sash with. Mariah Carey?

He's white. Oh, Eminem? Yeah, geez, Louise. I was thinking of Fred Durs is because of Britney Spears. Britney Spears had sex with Fred Durs where I carried had sex with Eminem. Now, we've definitely talked about that feud before with the Nick Cannon, Eminem, disc tracks. I believe it's all of us. Wow.

How quickly this information leaves my mind, it really does not stay. So quickly. Celebrity conspiracy flashback. Throwback. Do you guys believe there is a sex tape? Yeah, I hope so. I really, I'm never going to search for it because it's not my pig, not my farm. But I really hope that there is, you know, as long as she was okay with it.

So, but I guess she's not. Who wants anyone to know that they had sex with Eminem? I don't want to see that, I don't think. But Molly, do you believe it exists? I think I do because given the aforementioned narcissism, I wouldn't put it past her to just tape every sex session. This is the thing. All of it. Yeah, she probably has a library.

a hidden library in her house and just all the recordings of every sexual experience he's had. Also, Mariah Carey released a new song yesterday at the 2020 U.S. Open. So the new song is called Save the Day, and it's an interesting song, and I believe that that was the song. So someone tagged me, and thank you so much,

on Instagram in an Insta story, with her singing for the U.S. Open, and I believe that it's like a mashup with that thing, like Lauren Hill's version of doop that thing. And I don't know if that is what the actual new song has. But I also was like, why is Mariah Carey at the U.S. Open? I don't understand. Maybe she loves tennis.

U.S. 7 is a lot of fun. I went once. It was good. You did? Yeah, yeah. I think, wait, wait, that's tennis, right? that's in New York, then I went. Are you, it sounds like you're being a Paula Abdul right now.

Bit of a sportsman. Yeah, a bit of a sportsman over here. I was brutally hung over. You don't believe that I went. You could just do your own thing and go your own way in life, and I will just keep going my way in life knowing that I went to the U.S. Open in New York, it was tennis. And yes, it is tennis, and yes, I know what happens in that game.

That involves the ball, right? and the round sticks, right? Either way. This last one, and by the way, this is, just to pull back to Kurt a little bit, we are recording this kind of in a tight little turn around here, so blind items are a bit harder to come by, so this is a wild throwback.

This is not happening recently. This happened in the time of black and white television, probably. Oh, good. Are these these these Charlie Chaplin blind items I've been begging for? Old school blind items. I'm going to be good at these ones. All right, good, good, good. I'll see, you can get it first.

This back in the day, A-list singer slash kind of actor, who was part of an iconic group of people, said the reason he got famous was because he made a deal with the devil one night and so worshipped Satan. Frank Sinatra? In that group. In that group. Who else is in that group? Molly, this is all you. Who else is in the rat pack? Who else is in the rat pack?

Nothing but Molly Net. Whoa, you guys can't name another rat pack member? I know more about the brat pack. in the rat pack. Just saying. I see a furious Google happening from Molly right now. Sammy Davis Jr.? A hundred percent.

And Sammy Davis Jr. It's Sammy Davis Jr.'s autobiography. Why me? He tells about his dealings with the Church of Satan. Apparently the Candyman's barber. I guess he was known as the Candyman. I don't even know that. His barber was a member and invited him to join up.

Sammy joined and attended the meeting full of alleged debauchery and women. Davis states that his ties with the church were true, but he was not too involved. However, Davis did make a pilot sitcom called Poor Devil in the early 70s, and it was a show about a demon trying to work his way up in hell. The pilot failed to be bought by NBC because religious groups were against it. Davis later left the church, but stated he still has friends who were Satanists. Wow. So there you go.

Whoa. That's great for us. That's one for us. I'm on my team. And what did Dean Martin do then? Yeah, I looked up the rat pack. Yeah, isn't he a, isn't he a bad? bastard. Oh, yeah. Well, he faked being drunk, largely what people say. Why was it fake? Why would

you fake it? Because he, because that was his persona was he was always like drunk having a great time guy on stage, but apparently he faked it all. Oh, I, wow. But whatever. And he probably killed a sex worker, but either way, we're done. I can see again. Welcome back to the seeing world, but goodbye to the listening world, because that is our episode of page seven this week. We made it through all of my morning time confessions, and I feel good, I feel whole, I feel untamed, and I am just really proud of all of us,

and you gotta be souping me. My name is Jackie Zabrowski. No bra, no panties. My name is Holden, McNeely, and you can catch me on Twitch.tv, forward slash hold night or so, but more importantly, check out, and I do a stream with Jackie on Friday nights, by the way.

That's me. But more importantly, Patreon.com, forward slash page seven. podcast. So much stuff on there. It's, make your head spin. Twilight. Twilight.

We are halfway through the first book of Twilight. I am losing my mind. I just keep sniffing Jeff and pretending like my scent is really heightened. I'm gonna have sex with a werewolf soon. And I'm excited about it.

Molly, what do you got for us? Get us out of it. I'm all that. My name is Molly. And I am MJK. L-Kat on Instagram. We love you guys so much, and we will talk to you soon. Bye.

Molly, you're so hot without glasses. Bye. Bye, everybody. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors. You can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to lastpodcastnetwork.com.