Page 7 - Ep. 381: Ebenezer Snooze

Episode Date: December 10, 2020

We've been blessed by the pop culture gods this week with fried chicken romances, Mariah Carey's Christmas special and the craziest blind item of all time.Want even more Page 7? Support us on Patreon! Patreon.com/page7podcastKevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0 Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

blazing bright with Carol B'rubber Ooh, jingle bell jingle bell Welcome to page 7 That is Henry and I's Christmas song and I know if you guys remember

We sing it to each other every year And I've already sent it to him I send it to him almost every single day of December And it never gets old And he only ever loves it My name is Jackie Zbrowski Yeah, we're introducing ourselves today Because we've got a lot to talk about today guys

I'm going through a lot right now because of what's happening in celebrity pop culture. My name's Hold'am McNeill. My heart. My heart is palpitating. My name is Molly Neffelders. There's just so much that our world is being realized, I feel, like for the first time. Like, things are coming to fruition. Yes, I feel seen because secrets out, chicken man.

And yes, this is what we are starting with. We are starting with a recipe for. seduction. I just want to go ahead and throw a thank you to everyone that tagged me in a recipe for seduction. And throw it out there, having a rough week. Of course we are. It's December in the worst year of all time. And a recipe for seduction, I think, change. I didn't know how easily my mood could have been like taken out of a shit can and thrown up into the sky like fireworks. That was watching the trailer for a recipe for seduction. And if you haven't, so I know that we'll have to explain it a little bit if you haven't seen the trailer.

But if you have not seen the trailer, stop the podcast right now and watch the trailer for a recipe for seduction on Lifetime because I think it might be my new favorite trailer. Here's a secret recipe that's going to change the world. And then they say, we all have our secrets. What could they possibly be talking about? Are they talking about weird, sexy Mario Lopez playing the KFC founder of Colonel Sanders in a lifetime sexy mini-movie that comes out at noon on a Sunday? I think that's one of my favorite parts about the trailer is the fact that it comes out at noon. on a Sunday.

I appreciate this because I've been watching Lifetime movies since I was a teenager, and the prime time for a lifetime movie is Sunday at noon. Like, for me, I was a high schooler, so I didn't have, I don't imagine that was, that is their target demographic, but for me, it was like, I am alone and bored, and like, I've just come home from a sleepover, and now I'm going to watch this, movie about a murder and like it really is just they they they know when people are lonely and it is Sunday at noon yeah and it's that feeling of like oh I got all my we were talking about it before the podcast like oh I got all my morning stuff done got the chores done dropped off little Jimmy and

and bitchy Susie off that pre-care God she's always extra bitchy on a Sunday morning too you got to get her out of the house and get her to the ballet class. These are my two children, little Jimmy and bitchy Susie. And all of a sudden the door shuts and you take it, you soak in that silence for just a few minutes. But then you realize if you have too much silence, you will begin to cry. So this is when we put on our murder movie or whatever like that. It is December 2020. So yeah, that is for definite.

There are definitely, there's definitely random crying throughout the day. But then you think, oh, what is happening at noon today? Is it Mario Lopez playing Colonel Harlan Sanders in a film about a steamy and savory love affair with a young heiress who must choose between her young chef with a dream of fried chicken glory and a wealthy duplicitous suitor. Handpicked by her mother. We all have our secrets. I think the craziest thing is that it's only 15 minutes long, though. Yeah, 15 minutes long. I was just going to bring that up.

Can we talk about the mini movie and the time frame we're working with? And the thing about the trailer... We've seen a 15th of this movie at this point. Oh, yeah, of course. In the trailer. But like, okay, so the trailer, we should just... We can't do like a play-by-play of it, but I guess I'm confused because I don't know what I was expecting. It plays it very straight, yet...

Yes. It is essentially a 15-minute long KFC commercial. But it somehow manages to walk that line. Like it is Mario Lope. And also it's Mario Lopez inexplicably. This guy hasn't acted in anything. Well, no, he's in Felice Navidad. He is in Fleecee.

Directed by Melissa Joan Hart on Lifetime currently. And yes, I did watch the first 35 minutes of the movie. And I made it that far. And Molly, your favorite thing ever in 2020, the reboot of Saved by the Bell. He's, you know, rocking on that a little bit. No, and you know what makes me somehow even more upset is that that's getting very good reviews. I'm going to have to watch it.

Yeah, you're going to have to watch it. Everyone has told me to watch it. Everyone said that, like, it's actually that you, that I think that we might, I think, am I like it? And I'm saying it in a very upsetting way because, no, we're a week early. We're not getting, I think you might like it until next week. But what? I think that apparently we might like it. And I know that we got to watch it.

I don't know why I've definitely filed it under the Queen's Gambit of things that. that for some reason I've chosen not to watch. Of fucking great TV shows that you're just being weirdly shitty about. Yeah, when I'm like, oh God, it's gonna be good. I don't know why. I'm fussy, okay? I'm having a fussy time period in my life.

And I'm just going, no, no. And sometimes it's okay to be fussy. I'm fussy right now. It's such a 2020 thing for the two of you, I feel like where everything you want to love, like that craft movie is super, like the crap is super shitty. And everything that you are like, this is going to suck.

and I don't want to even get near this piece of turd. And then it ends up being great and everyone loves it. And then you're like, ugh. And you're already mad going into it. And you're just like, I wanted you to suck. And now you're guess you're good. So I have to keep my arms crossed while I watch you. Fussy.

We're fussy. And that's okay. Fussy 2020. I tried to do, I tried to do neon gothth 2020, but instead I did fussy 2020. And that's just how the cookie crumbles sometimes. And now the best part about the Mario Lopez KFC movie is that,

I have absolutely no expectations for it. I'm going to go ahead and assume that they included all of the best parts in that trailer. And that's okay. Because the trailer is amazing. I watched it, I think, seven times yesterday. And I laughed and I laughed. It was exactly what I need. He's so jacked.

Look at his hair and how obviously it looks like they got one of those things that I used to use. Remember the combs that had the first. fake, like, clay dye in the comb that you would put through your hair. So it wouldn't dye your hair. It would just put this, like, clay color on the outside so your hair just looked disgusting. Yeah, it's very much like a middle school makeup artistry for, like, when you have, like, a person who has to play, like, the dad and bye, bye, Birdie in middle school, and you have to make them gray.

That's kind of the aesthetic going on. But honestly, A.C. Slater, Mario Lopez, seems to be having a better. 2020 than all of us. Wow. He looks great. He does. He does look good. I've never thought that that guy was hot ever.

And in the trailer, I'm like, ooh. Yeah, and also in the poster for a recipe for seduction, also, again, the log line of the movie is we all have our secrets. His just happens to be a recipe for seduction. And I love that his arms are bursting out of the shirt. And I love that the askon is just like slightly undone. And it is just, they didn't even try with his facial hair. His facial hair is so atrocious. And I love it.

I love it. December 13th at noon. What a gift that I didn't know we needed this holiday season. The ad folks at KFC deserve all the awards that between the dating Sim, this thing, the weird Norm McDonald's Uh, Coltale ad. And also the dating sim that you were referring to is called

I love you, Colonel Sanders, a finger licking good dating simulator that you can get on Steam where you try. It's free. Yeah. It just seems like big, big sexy thick boys with very tight pants trying to bang Colonel Sanders, I think. I need to get, I don't know what a steam is, but I guess I need to have a steam to play it. And I'll do it.

I'll get it. I want to play it. I feel like they're all, it's like, in my head, I'm like, okay, is KFC, you know, obviously there was the Popeye's chicken sandwich. I can't even remember if that was 2020. I think that was early 2020. I think it was.

Pre-pandemic 2020, Popeye's had its moment of incredible chicken sandwich. Also, I think KFC in the umbrella of like fast food restaurants, that has struggled with image in the last 10 years in terms of like genetically engineering headless chickens and stuff. And so I love it. And also the fact that like the girl definitely seems

like a slave owner of sorts. I don't know the history of actually of Colonel Sanders. But Daddy, does the headless chicken have a soul? I don't know. I don't know. I guess this is what we need to see. And will his soul burst out of his two tight shirt? Oh, spill that secret recipe all over the face.

that beautiful heiress. I hope so. Man, I can't believe we're all going to spend Sunday watching this movie four times. It's all I've got. You know what? I take that back. It's not all I've got because there is a little special that we need to talk about. Talk about this is, I can't believe how positive I feel during this episode. I just feel like I felt so negative for so long that I feel like a cool breeze has just lifted the bridges and I'm ready to smile. All of the celebrity news has been so hard to deal with this year because it's all just like look how this person's being a piece of shit in quarantine

and pretending like they're all fuckups. They're the only people who have problems in the world and yada, yada, yada. Or look at these assholes partying together in a dumbass, non-socially distant way. But, you know, it's a lot of selfishness. Whereas this week we get to talk about this KFC thing. We get to talk about Dolly Parton, who everyone loves his new movie, and we get to talk about Mariah fucking Carrie's Christmas special.

These are celebrities we love to love, and they're putting out just sweet, juicy meats for us. I mean, when we haven't even brushed on the news that was released today, but we will get to that sooner. Try to contain your breasts inside of your shirt. As sooner rather than later, because that's my coop. It's my coop de grace that I need for this week. And first we are going to talk about Mariah Carey's magical Christmas special.

Did I beg both Molly and Holden to watch it? Yes. Did they both do it? I can't believe it. Yes. I can't believe it either. Honestly, I felt like I was like, well, I hope that this shows my commitment to page seven, the fact that I am watching this freaking show.

You kissed the ring of Mariah Carey. And Mariah Carey's magical Christmas special, which you can only get on Apple. which is annoying as fuck. You know what? We're going to end up paying $60 to watch that damn Christmas special because we signed up for our free trial and I know we're going to forget to cancel it. You're going to forget you got to set an alarm. I always set an alarm. I just had to cancel showtime because the good Lord Bird is done.

And I was like, well, okay, don't want anything else. And then I saw the damn ad for this Brian Cranston show. And it's like, God damn you, showtime. But we don't need to talk about that. First of all, like I feel like I was looking forward to this because after I, did the Mariah Carey, what, two or three-parter for pop history. I was already, like, had a newfound love and respect for her.

But on top of that, I was drunk. And I will say, being just so fucking shit-fuck, face, fuck, drunk was a great way to watch this special. Yeah, I wish I had been drunk. Especially because I was texting Holden while he was watching it, and he doesn't remember any of it. And I definitely referred to him as Ebenezer snooze at one point.

And I laughed and I laughed. And it was like, you're such a fucking Ebenezer snooze. Whatever. It is great. It is great. So I watched it.

So I texted Gideon during the day to tell him that we had to watch it. He said, I think that this is a mistext. And then I came home. We figured it out. We spent like 30 minutes trying to figure out how to get

freaking Apple TV. Neither of us remembered our Apple password. I just love it too because Molly was texting Holden and I while we were streaming our Among Us stream that happens on Tuesday nights at 6 p.m. 9 p.m. Eastern Saturday time on Aldenators at the Holdenators ho Twitch stream. Look at me. I'm a little ad girl. And we were playing among us and poor Molly was just, but I was trying to murder my friends and I couldn't take the second to text back. That's very important. And also I realize that, you know, usually you're like, oh, give me your HBO, go password or whatever. I now. I now.

realize I shouldn't ask my friends for their Apple IDs because that would like give me the secret to their whole lives and I would have applied to you but it's so true it's weirdly like just this vulnerable thing giving someone that exact path I don't I don't kind of love sharing I immediately gave it to you hold it I didn't think for a second I was like well what do but again what are you going to do right I actually sign up for the free trial as well anyways though Jackie so just to avoid it but the thing about I get it the thing about the special especially watching it was somebody who like, I don't think that Gideon could have even named a single Mariah Carey song besides all I want for Christmas is you. Ouch. Which she performed at the encore. Oh my God. Even in the beginning with a ding ding.

I was like, I don't know if she's going to sing it. But it is, I will say, if you like a Christmas special, it is a Christmas special. It is just a standard Christmas special. Old school. No, it's a vintage, Molly. It's bringing back the old standards, Molly. It is not just a Christmas special. It was delightful and positive in what we need because Mariah Gary saves Christmas and Christmas and Christmas cheer thrice.

She, thrice in the special she saves it. My favorite part is that they don't really mention explicitly that she's saving Christmas from the pandemic, because I imagine that would have been too political. But that's clearly what. she's saving Christmas from. They're like, oh, there's a catastrophic lack of Christmas cheer. But there's like, and they're like, they're, but no one's wearing masks or anything, but which would have been a real buzzkill, but I don't want them.

But like, it's just so, it's like this unnamed monster that she has to save Christmas from, but we're living in a year of a real monster. So they really, uh, they really, you know, tried to thread that needle. A little boy called me a monster on the street earlier. And I, so I was like, am I the Christmas monster? Well, I mean, yeah. I don't know if you're just a Christmas monster. I think that you're just the monster of a story.

It never goes, ah, every time you leave the house. Little boy was just like, Mommy, Mommy, look, a monster's taking a dump in the middle of the sidewalk. It was very bizarre. That's what I mean, I get, where else you're supposed to take a dump? You're trapped in that small apartment with your wife. So the thing is with Mariah Carey and her saving Christmas. And all of the other Christmas things and holiday shows I've watched is how they speak to, I think that I talked about this last week,

but how they speak about this year, but they don't. Yes. And how everything is just a very, it's like, oh no, but something's happening. Something is upsetting everybody. Yeah, we know what's upsetting everybody. But how are they going to play it next year?

You know, I get that. They have to be able to flip it for next year so they can play it every year and not just get one year out of it. And I will say I read this extensive Mariah, Mary Carrie interview about it, they were getting COVID tested every day. And as someone that has also shot something during this time period, it is very upsetting to be in a small space with people and your spits are everywhere and there's dancing and

they're singing. And it's very, very scary. But I love that the way that she talks about it in this interview is she knew. So if you listen to the pop history of Mariah Carey, that she doesn't like to be, like she has a lot of stage fright problems. And this is part of why she is so standoffish, why she is such a diva

is because she actually has a lot of issues and would much more prefer doing like the production side of things. Of course, one of many, many, many reasons of why she is a diva and why I love her so much. But she always performs for Christmas because now they have her shtick is the queen of Christmas. Mazel, mazzle, she's doing great with it. But she wasn't able to give the cheer that she always gives for Christmas.

So she decided, and she kind of, what it seems like, strong-armed this special into happening and making sure that it was done, which I will say, see, that is the problem with the word diva in all of its negative connotations. I feel sometimes where it's like, nah, man, that's a bitch getting shit done. And there is a difference. They're definitely, I'm not saying she's not a diva, but like, she's. She wanted to make this special. She wanted to do it. She wanted to do it. She wanted all of her lighting to be extra and be only shot from the ceiling, it seems,

because every shot on her wrist from up in the air. And she looks like a dew dropped angel in every one of her scenes, much like her hallmark movie, A Christmas Melody. And it's exactly what I wanted, though. It's so weird. and Billy Eichner, which we know, is a huge real-life Mariah Carey fan. And I love their mutual love for each other. I went on his Instagram page and he has all these fun, cute little picks of them.

Now I'm just waiting for one with Dan Levy because we know that Dan Levy is a huge fan as well of Mariah Carey. And Mariah Carey has acknowledged him. Yes, because Mariah Carey jumped in on the reading of Schitt's Creek as well to sing for him. and Dan Levy like flipped out. This was like two or three months ago. Now I want to see them do stuff together. But I like it because Mariah Carey is big on webbing a community together in a way that I find very inspirational. Yes, they've called her a friendship Spider-Man has been one of her.

I can see it. What you're saying is what you're saying is when she sings and she moves her hand like that, she's actually spinning a web that is bringing everyone. together. Because the hand stuff, I'm sorry I'm late to the party, but whatever the fuck Mariah Carey does with her body when she sings is the funniest shit I've seen in my life. I'm sorry.

I know that diva's, diva as a category contains multitudes. It can contain people who are both singers and dancers. It can contain people who are just singers. She stands there and she doesn't move and she just dances with her one hand. And she shows her vibrato with her hand. and it is a measure of her vibrato, and it is so fucking hilarious. And also someone that is very, I know every note and how she sings it on her actual Christmas album. I definitely notice because she is a perfectionist that she re-sang the songs for this special

because she definitely sings it differently than she does on the album. And that, again, dedication. That is someone that is, she's doing it. And her outfits were insane. I love that she included her children and it wouldn't allow them to really speak. And also brought in a professional child to play her younger self. If you notice she called her Mimi and gave her a butterfly. I don't know why.

But also gave Michael Michelle Harris, who's a very talented young actress, all of the lines didn't allow her children to dance in the front. Did you see in the big dancing scenes? They're dancing in the back. They dance right behind her. Also, special shout-outs to Snoop Dog, who is so clearly high as far. That's the best part. Snoop Dog is the absolute 100% best part.

I think that Gideon was not on board. I don't think Gideon, I don't know whether Gideon was truly enjoying himself until Snoop Dog came, and then he was like, all right, all right, okay, I'm down, you know? Because how can you not enjoy Snoop Dog just baked out of his mind? just kind of like leisurely strolling out of the stage to have a little tiny rap with Mariah. But also Tiffany Haddish, who was, I mean, that suit alone, I wanted, do you remember the like burgundy outfit that she had on? She's super sexy. And then Misty Copeland just performing in such a beautiful way.

And I was like, I can't believe that Mariah would allow someone just take such a center stage. did you notice that it was Mariah Carey singing along with the orchestra of the Nutcrackers? I didn't notice that until afterwards, but then Giddy was like, was she going like, oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, and then I was like, I think she was. But I didn't even, I was so busy watching the dancing and being excited about it. Even though ballet, sorry to ballet people, I find it to be the most boring form of dance, but obviously Misty Copeland is like incredible. And I was so difficult.

Too busy enjoying the dancing and then to realize that, yes, indeed, Mariah. Carrie was singing along, kind of like, church choir style to the dancing. It was really something. And then, I mean, we've got, oh, Jennifer Hudson, stunning in that dress. And wasn't it curious, the one in the corner and multiple shots going, ho, ho, ho. And I get it, it's Christmas. It's Santa Claus time. But wasn't it fascinating?

It was a close-up on her, Miss Arionotter herself. All right? Because you're not an Arianator, you're an Ariader because you're whatever. Wow. Throwing it down.

Go in. Ho. Ho. Ho. Ho. Ho. I don't want to. It's not like I asked

to be stolen from. It's not like I screamed Ariana, give me something to scream about on page seven every week. I get it now. I get it what it is like now to be in this position

of feeling completely taken advantage. It's like, can I have my soul back? Ariana can I have my heart and fucking soul back in my body? So Santa, Santa is not stealing from you and he says, Ho, Ho, Ho,

but Ariana is because we're so certain that she's already been stealing from you, right? Yes, exactly. Of course, I can't say Santa retroactively took ho, ho, ho. But it was, and she made, like, eyes with the camera in a way that was just like, Holden, I know exactly what the fuck I'm doing to you right now. That's exactly what she was doing.

And I'm going to keep doing it to you right now. And I want to like her music. She's got, it was really funny actually. Honestly, your new album is great. It's pretty great. It was really, Lexi doesn't like her music actually, which is really funny to me. And we put her album on because I just wanted to hear it while we played Tetris against each other, which is one of our favorite late night drinking activities. And we got into a weird fight during it.

And at one point in the fight, we don't usually get into a fight while we play Tetris. This is kind of a weird situation. And in the middle of the fight, she's like, can you just turn this fucking shit off? Oh, she is not that person. hate this music and I was like wow I didn't really think it was that bad and I will watch her Netflix live concert because I love pop music that much and I'm dedicated to the art form but whatever at the same time whoa I just loved it the second the oh Santa music video came out I was like Holden did you see how many times she goes oh how oh oh oh oh it cuts away from

everyone else cuts directly just to her and tauntingly she says ho over and over again. And I'm not going to just fully outright accuse her of stealing my brand, but she is stealing my brand. Well, you know what? She looks great while she does it. And I really just, I loved it. The special was everything I wanted. There's definite times. There are certain songs, which I think I talk about

it every year, like Pentatonic's Hallelujah, but we don't need to talk about it. What was that? I was like, damn, Molly listens to the Penitonics album when it drops. Like is that... I listened to pentatonic at Christmas thanks to Jackie. Jackie has cursed me with an embarrassing love of pentatonic.

I did it. But I am over here extremely late to the party realizing that all these songs are about blow jobs. I didn't realize that like a prayer was about a blow job until like last year.

And now I'm listening to Hallelujah getting all emotional and thinking, isn't this song about sex not the birth of Christ? Yes. And in fact it is. What are the...

I have the lyrics up. What are we saying here? well baby I've been here before I've seen this room and I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you and I've seen your flag on the marble arch then love is not a victory march it's a cold it's cold and it's a broken I don't understand where is the I'm gonna have sex with you it's the it's as it builds so it's about like the day it's more I feel like the music the vibe is about the build of orgasm and then in the like it's all about the

the like culmination. It's about Leonard Cohen getting fucked in a chair, I think. There is a lot of weirdly like orgasmic-y Christian music that I've heard in the past. Or even especially even talking about having like a relationship with Jesus that I would maybe say is potentially problematic. You know what I mean? To the point because they're like giving oh kind of making oh noises while they're talking about being friends with Mr. Christ. And I just am like, are we conflating the two? Is he like penetrating you in this scenario?

or like, is he not just like this really important element of your spirituality? So it is weird how sexual Christian music can get. Guys, there is a whole Rolling Stone piece called How Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah Mixed, Mingle, Sex and Religion. So I guess that it is both about religion and sex. But I just feel like it is, it is, the original Leonard Cohen version is definitely not at all

a Christmas carol. And somehow, when you listen to the Pettitonics version, you're like, this is about the birth of Christ, and it's just not, you know? No, no, no, no, it's not at all. And I think that I just love it because we got a text from Molly out of nowhere asking if the song, Hallelujah, it was about.

I'm like doing chores. I'm like in the middle of my day. And I just see that. I'm like, what the fuck even? Now, do I have to go listen to Penetton? Like, is this was happening? I'm so sorry. And I know this is maybe a, yeah, this is like page seven stuff I

wasn't around for, but like, I just can't, Jackie, I'm not going to do it. I mean, but at the same time, though, O Holy Night and Mariah Carey's version of Oh, Holy Night is one of my favorites. I liked that. And the fact that she brought, because this is part of this Christmas album, and why 1994 is Merry Christmas is such, it's such a, it is a very good Christmas album. I love when a gospel choir comes in. Yeah.

And that is immediately tears. Like, I immediately start to sob. Same with joy to the world when that just comes in. And I was like, yes. Oh, Holy Night is like, I think O Holy Night is in the top three Christmas songs, you know, of the canon. And you all know how I feel about it too. And there's just something, it's the idea of faith that makes me cry every year. And Mariah Carey really think she did a very, she did a great job.

She did exactly what she was supposed to. But it is very funny that, like, she just kept saving Christmas. And it was just like, there's just, Also, I think that the North Pole was in outer space. Yeah. For some reason. The plot was, it was tough to string together the plot. They did try.

There was dialogue. I don't think they spent more than, you know, one meeting on it in terms of the script. Now one part, though, where Snoop Dog blew a bunch of bong hit smoke into Santa's ear and that allowed him to fly to the children's zone. So that was an interesting plot development. Dude, I would love that Christmas special. Where is that Christmas special? But, I mean, now, though, I would be remiss if we didn't bring up the best news of all time. The love we found.

The love we found. Yes, I am singing the end song for Muppets Christmas Carol, because that is the only one that was in it up until this point. You've heard a scream about it before. And I just want to say thank you so much to everybody that sent it to me today. What a day for success. Because if you have not seen it, we did it. When love is gone is going to be back in the Muppet Christmas Carol, I don't know who out there is listening to page seven.

Yes. But I just want to say thank you for this gift. We did this. bringing back and has nothing to do with us, but in my brain, it does. Yes. I personally think that the page seven world that we, that often, I know we have wonderful listeners, sometimes it feels like the three of us are exclusively in this very bizarre world of like sexy hot dog, KFC jiblets.

Oh, yeah. What do they, is what do they call it the jiblets to go on here? None of what you just said is part. It has anything to do with pop culture, by the way. Like literally. You're talking giblets right now? The things that go on the crocs. No, gravy, gravy, where's the gravy?

The things that go on the crocs. The KFC. Oh, the gibbits. Jimets. The chicken scented gibbets. The chicken scented gibbets. We've been talking, we have, here at page seven, we have been conflating sex with chicken scented gibbets and KFC for certainly more than anyone else in the universe.

And we've been over here talking about the love is gone. anti, everyone else is pro, and here they come and say, you know what, we're going to put it back in. I just feel like we are bigger influencers than we are perhaps giving ourselves credit for. Yeah. I love that idea when in reality, again, unfortunately not true, which I'm going to throw it out there. I was not aware. I knew that when Love is Gone was taken out for a personal vendetta reason, but as well, as apparently, which. we will definitely get into further two weeks from now when we release our episode of pop history on the Muppet Christmas Carol. But apparently the negatives for the part of the movie where the song was have been lost for years.

And Brian Henson, who is Jim Henson's son, who is the director of Muppet Christmas Carol, he said pretty much every six months he'd go and try and find it again. And he couldn't understand how it could just be gone. And it has been found. And that's why in the new DVD releases, they are going to put it back because I have the DVD. It's not on the DVD. It's not in the extended version. You can't get it anywhere. So anytime I want to see it, either watch on YouTube or I have to wait until I go home for Christmas,

which I'm not doing this year, and watch the VH fucking ass. so I can see the song. I'm in like a, what do they call it, the Mandela effect. I'm in like a different universe on this because I swear to God, I've been fast forwarding through this shit for years. Like, like, it was on my DVD. I don't think I've been watching the VHS for as long as I've been fast forwarding through this goddamn song.

I'm so confused by this news. I think you clipped it in your mind. You mind clipped it. Haven't you heard about like what our brains are going to do to this year and how our brains are going to come back? the time, whereas, like, you think it, like, is taking so much, it's taking so much time, it's taking so long. And then we're going to look back at it and be like, man, how your brain just compacts memories when there's not enough to remember or, depending on, I mean,

depending on how your fucking ear is, or it also, to protect yourself, it does the same thing. And maybe your brain was protecting you from it. Maybe you were scared of emotions at Christmas, Molly. I am not scared of emotions. I feel a lot of emotions when I watch him up at Christmas Carol, but I don't care for the emotion that Scrooge feels for his kind of boring girlfriend who he just is not ready to commit to because he's got, you know, trust issues. I get it.

I understand where you're coming from, and I think that I need to politely disagree in this happenstance. You sound really polite right now? Am I polite? It's a great victory for the, as Holden said, a great victory for the House of Zabrowski. They've been wanting love when love is gone to be back. We are, Henry and I celebrated today.

Such a weird element to it too was that Disney exec and DreamWorks exec, Jeffrey Katzenberg is who got the song cut. Yeah. And he's been in my world a lot because I've done, I did an episode on Shrek. I did an episode on Kung Fu Panda. He's like oversaw those films. Evil Katzenberg. Yeah.

And he's the quibby guy, right? Yes, and that's why we were making fun of him a lot on this very show recently. So there's a lot of Kismet. Old quibster. Yeah, it's very bizarre. And he was the one that really hated this song. And Brian Henson was the one that has always pulled for it. He even said, I think it's good for kids to be pulled into deeply emotional moments,

even if they feel slightly awkward about it when they're in a movie theater. I understand. That's true. You know, I love the song. That's true. I support. And also, like, yeah, I know you guys are going to get into all of it with the pop history, but, like, Brian Henson making that incredible film only a few years after his dad died has

always made me very emotional to think about. He did such a good job. I've been crying through the research. It is very, because it is, it is, it's all for Jim Henson. And Jim Henson is just such a truly good, amazing human being. We're not going to, I'm not going to start crying right now. Molly, have you watched, I always say if you want a good cry, and I definitely had a good cry at work when I first watched it on YouTube.

Definitely have you checked out Big Bird singing Being Green at Jim Hinson's A Funeral, Bro. Yeah, I've seen Big Bird sing at Jim Henson's funeral Holden. And I will never forget it. It is the ultimate gut punch. Like, if you just absolutely want to be crying at your desk at any given time during your workday, throw on Big Bird singing, Bein Green. What an injustice to just take one of the absolute just heroes of, I don't even know, not only children's media, childhood, pop culture in general. This guy gave us all the Muppet movies leading up until the 90s and Sesame Street and Fragal Rock and the Dark Crystal.

absolute cruel life. If it makes you feel a little bit better, he was super checked out as a father, and the reason why all of his kids ended up working with Muppets or most of them was because the only way to hang out with Daddy was to do work with Daddy because that's all that. Yes, yeah, that's why Brian Hanson... You wait, once you get your kids podcasting, hold it,

I look forward to it and be like, well, I guess we have to play the video games if we want daddy did not look right through us. Molly, not you though. You're perfect and you're an amazing, you're amazing. Yeah, before we get to the celebrity conspiracy theory, and you may have some other things to talk about, but I definitely wanted to touch on

and just ask you about this Dolly Parton Christmas movie because I think that's the thing I'm most looking forward to watching and I'm going to probably do it in the next few days with Lexi. Christmas on the square, Christmas on the square. Christmas on the square. I was recommended over on the page 7 podcast at gmail.com by a lovely listener. I'm going to throw it out there. I have been watching most of the movies that you guys have been sending to me, and I cannot thank you enough.

There was one. Oh, screw. What is it called? I think it's called Christmas Eve wedding that's on Netflix that was, I couldn't believe that it existed. And the person that sent me was like, I promise you. you just need to see the end of the movie because that's where you will be completely dumbfounded and I couldn't make it.

I was like, I need to watch other things. I will come back. I think I'm going to circle back. I think I just needed to be about 20% more stone to really... Oh, a New York... No, was it a New York Christmas wedding? I'll circle back. We're circling back.

What I'm here to talk about is Christmas on the square and Christmas on the square by Dolly Parton, who is perfect in every way, shape, or form, is a Molly, I think you would really enjoy it. It is a musical with Christine fucking Beransky and I love Christine Baransky

and it is they got every single trope into one movie and it is on a soundstage and there is lots of dancing and lots of, and the singing in it is incredible but there's... You're speaking my language.

Yeah. It's just so funny because this happens early in the movie. And Dolly Parton plays an angel in it, but she's dressed in the beginning as a beggar. And she definitely is the most glam homeless person asking for change I've ever seen. It's so funny that you could tell she's like, well, you can put a little bit of dirt around here. But why don't we just leave the rest of me the way I always look? And I can't recommend to you enough. Please look up Hark the Herald Dolly Sings,

which is an interview between Rupal and Dolly Parton on Moly. All right. Claire magazine. I read all of it. I was so sucked in by it. It's so fun. And people keep asking us to do the pop history in Dolly Parton. I know that we will eventually,

but it's so difficult because she just did her own podcast from the lips of the angel herself. So it's hard to talk about her life in a way that, like, we can't be Dolly Parton. We're never going to be like, I was riveted by the podcast. But I just love the interactions between. Dolly Parton is the most Dolly Parton person to exist. She's so pure. She's so positive.

But then she also, though, definitely throws little bits of shade like she did to RuPaul. So funny. What she was talking about? Because RuPaul asked, how early in the morning do you get up? And she usually apparently gets up around 3 a.m. And she usually does her business between 3 a.m. and 7 a.m. And so there was a line talking about how she is apparently, she tries to remain looking, essentially camera ready, 24-7, just in case anything happens because she couldn't.

She said, I have to keep my makeup on and keep my hair done. Like when I'm in L.A. I've told you about it. If it's going to earthquake, if we get an earthquake, I'm not. running out in the street looking like you look now talking to RuPaul and how RuPaul was stressed. I also like that she says she needs to be ambulance ready, which is the craziest thing. Because she is very aware of the fact that she is the age that she's at and she wants no pictures taken of her if she does not look the way she wants to be looking. Now, personally, that does not hold true for me in my life, but you know what? Good on, yeah, Dolly Parton.

I love, oh, I love Dolly Parton so much. I feel like for RuPaul, being read by Dolly Parton must be like a total personal dream, you know. It has to be. Has to be. Has to be. Has to be. Has to be. Oh, man. Well, I will, you know, Mariah Carey has launched me into the, Christmas spirit, you know, single-handedly, I'm going to say. So I'm ready. I'm very excited by all of the, again, I watch Feliz Navidad. And again, when I say things that like, oh, I shut it off, it's just because I'm trying to absorb as many Christmas movies as humanly possible, while also trying to not cry. So in my brain, the second my head flitters too far off course, I'm like, okay, this isn't keeping my attention. I need to watch something that will keep my attention more. And I have, have become that person that I'm just like, I just need to be stimulated in some sort of positive way. And if it's not stimulating me in a positive way, I have to shut it off. Well, speaking of

flipping things off course, or is it time for our celebrity conspiracy? Sure, Ebenezer snooze. Oh, whatever. Just see this chair song. Do you believe in? The fact that Taylor Swift gets carried around in a big suitcase. Now I know why you were so excited about this one. Of course I do, but please continue. I have a killer blind item, but yes, this is also this delightful, this delightful conspiracy theory that comes in from Tyler, who says, My girlfriend showed me this funny conspiracy that I thought would be good for the show. Rumor is that when T-Swift was hiding from the media, she went to extraordinary lengths, including being carried into her hotel in an oversized suit.

So here we go. Of course, as they mentioned, that is the theory. She's already gone to great lengths to avoid the paparazzi in the past. This one is just that her bodyguards carry around in a big, dumb suitcase so that she won't have to be photographed. And here's the evidence. I just feel like it's a lot like the movie Old Boy. Have you seen Old Boy before? Is that how it's like, all of a sudden she wakes, she like gets out of the suitcase?

He's like, where am I? I would. What if it gets stolen? What if it gets taken somewhere? So, so we've seen her do these things in the past. One thing that I saw videos of, which is kind of funny looking, is she'll walk like backwards or sideways into cars with her head to the back of her head to the camera. Just they won't get that shot they need from her, right?

So she, yeah. And it looks weird and she'll just do weird stuff like that when she doesn't want to be photographed. BuzzFeed reporter Lauren Yappalater posted a detailed article. article about the suitcase theory because on July 17, 2017, pictures were taken of a few of Taye and the Wands bodyguards, that's what I nickname her now, carrying a big black suitcase to her car from her Tribeca apartment. There were a fleet of cars surrounding this suitcase in this apartment with a dozen security guards present. And this was just very bizarre that that that would be, you know,

there would just be all this, like, fleet of cars for, like, a suitcase, right? Whoa. A big Taylor Swift-sized suitcase. Whoa. That must still be very small. Do you think that in actuality, maybe she is a doll that with hinged limbs

that are able to fold up? She probably have to break her own bones to still fit in the suitcase photograph because she is 510, but it is vaguely possible that she maybe would get bones removed or something like that to be, able to fit inside the suitcase.

Yeah, remember when Marilyn Manson did it? So he could suck his own. I always make jokes about that. That's my favorite celebrity rumor ever, ever. Nothing will top that, that he got his rib removed so that he gets blown itself. I hope a rumor like that gets started about it. That took up so much rent in my mind, man. Like, I really thought about that a lot.

I thought it was true. Yeah, it was back when certain, you know, like Marilyn, certain folks like Marilyn Manson really felt like dangerous. I miss that. Like, you don't feel that at all with any current celebrity. Like, wow, they're like, like, the weekend, I think tries to be spooky, but it's just like whatever. It always feels like publicity. Whereas, like, Marilyn Manson was, like, frightened of him and his videos.

Oh, yeah. You know? We, like, weren't allowed to watch his music videos. Yeah, they were scary. And then we would, like, seek it out. Yeah. Either way, a couple of months before that incident, two bodyguards were seen carrying the same giant suitcase. I've seen pictures of this, by the way.

No way she used the same. suitcase twice. There's no fucking way. A big huge one too. And they put it in the car. They were carrying it horizontally and that same suitcase was seen again in May with two large big huge men carrying it into the apartment and the dead of night. What did they look like? Talk

about them. This is kind of, oh, their muscles rippling. They had their cocks out which was weird because it's like they shouldn't be able to have that. Did they look like Mario Lopez as Colonel Sanders? Yeah, they were big. They were like, are those two horses? No, there's men attached to those cocks. Ooh. All right. Clydesdale.

I'll call them more of my Clyde's honks. Yeah, that's what I said. Shortly after this briefcase was brought, her suitcase was brought in, Gigi Hadid showed up to. Oh, no. Eler ifs apartment, which I was what I'm calling her now. She was not a she just rolls up in her own.

Yeah, she was in one, like she was sitting in it, like rowing it like a boat. Driving it, yeah. Driving it like a, Yes, that's a, with an oar. Makes her bag sling. She had an oar with, yeah, with her.

But either way, yeah. She showed up and was like, what? Tase who's not in the apartment? Because, like, no one saw her go into the apartment. So, like, who's Gigi Hadid visiting unless she was brought in by that big, weird suitcase? I love everything about this. I just want you to keep reading forever. The bodyguards were later seen carrying in a huge cardboard box as well.

Was she in the box? Who even knows? Oh, no. What's in the box? What's in the box? He was weird. So, yeah. And, of course, the evidence against is that she's, of course,

was 5'10 and probably technically couldn't even fit into this suitcase, even though it is quite big. But whatever. So my question for the two of you is, do you think that she gets carried around in a big suitcase? I'm about to, I'm about to blow everyone's minds and say that I'm having a little bit of deja vu about this information. Is it possible that in years past, this was a blind item on page seven? Like, what celebrity got rolled into a house in a suitcase?

Or am I just constructing this retroactive? interactive reality. Jackie, you got any memory of this? Nothing. But I also, like, I think I usually, I black out when we do podcast. I don't remember anything that I say. I'm not a reliable narrator. I'm just saying because it's, I'm going to say, I'm going to vote first and I'm going to say it's definitely real because I think I've heard this before. Maybe from this old podcast, maybe from elsewhere. So I think it's true. Or maybe you've seen it with your own two eyes. Yes, I believe that it is true. I think it makes complete sense put her back in the suitcase.

I'd like to see her in the suitcase more, actually. I like her to come on stage in the suitcase burst out of it. Yeah, in the suitcase. Come out. Yeah, that should be a really thing. And then I can get all my old boy references that I crave constantly. And she never has to walk again. There you go. And thank you again, Tyler, for that.

And I guess you believe in that conspiracy theory. We do. And if you'd like to send your conspiracy theory, and we've definitely gotten a bunch of them. I'm slowly working my way through them. page seven podcast at gmail.com. That's page the number seven podcast at gmail.com. Back to you, Jackie.

I have been loving so hard all of the messages that we've been getting on page seven podcast at gmail.com. I really appreciate it. Especially like the explanations of why I got to watch what I'm watching and just overall, in general, the positivity and the support. And I just want to say, thank you guys so much. I read every single one, except for the ones that are the clearly labeled celebrity conspiracy theory.

I don't look at those because I like to be surprised. Just like I like to surprise you guys with the list. Oh! Who's on the list? Jay, got to have that list. Ooh, it's holiday theme this time around, and we are talking Christmas traditions with surprising histories. There are some of them on here.

there's a reason why I chose it that I was like, ew, yuck! And that's why we're going to talk about it today because the snark on some of these cracked lists, I think is hilarious. Like, before Coca-Cola turned him into an obese cartoon, the image of Santa drew heavily from the Norse god Odin. Now, I don't know about you guys,

but I am sexually attracted to the idea of Odin. And Odin often appeared as a white-bearded traveler who rewarded those in his favor with gifts. Guess ad execs weren't as into the missing eye and eight-legged horse. I think they really could have used it though when it comes to Christmas tradition. This is the one that may be say ew though.

I always love a muscular Santa though. It's always a fun look, like with the machine gun in his hand and stuff. Lee Majors. So apparently, Tinsel is based on a story where spiders spun webs on the tree of a poor widower that couldn't afford decorations. The webs magically turned to gold and silver,

which is pretty cool way to find out. Your house is full of spiders. That's what the Crockett article says. I think it's horrifying. I think that it's nice of these particular spiders to do this kind of thing for this poor, lonely person, but that's very, very scary. I say love your spiders.

They're very helpful around the house, taking out. I'm not allowed to kill spiders in my house. We got to let them live. You got to let them live. You can't kill the spiders. But we have, there are a good amount of spiders in Los Angeles. And you'd think I'd be used to it because of Florida.

And I think I've talked about this on here before. But at least in Florida, the big, scary ones are the size of your hand. So, like, I could see it. If there was one in my bed, I could literally see the covers moving if there was a spider in my bed. And it scares me the most because in L.A., all of the really bad spiders are very, very small. But we don't need to get into that right now. Because apparently Christmas carolers weren't always just a bunch of your neighbors and dumb hats interrupting a movie. This person is very much against all Christmas traditions for some reason.

They used to demand food and drink and would threaten physical harm and even break in if you didn't pony up. I would like to look into this and know if this. See, Molly, you are saying yes, you're nodding your head. Is this true? They broke in? I've heard this one before. that Christmas caroling was like a threat. I did not know this.

Yeah, it was like, you know, basically like the way that, you know, panhandling is like, please give me money, but they would go door to door like, please give money. And then, yeah, they could really escalate shit. Everything used to be more exciting back in the day, you know? Yeah, I guess. I do want to, in my ideal, Henry and I really wanted to just stand in the streets of his neighborhood singing really loud but not just Christmas songs of just like, any song that we could think of and knew a bunch of words to and then just shift whenever we

stop knowing the words to it. And his partner and my partner won't do it. So Henry and I were just going to do it. But then it's not as fun. Then it just kind of looks scary if we're just standing in the street. If anybody can do this, you guys can. I think I would, if I, you were in L.A., you're going to stand on the street and sing Christmas.

People are going to walk by and recognize you guys. And then you'll become your own little phenomenon. It'll be like the naked cowboy. but for Christmas caroling in the House of Zabrowski. Should we be naked? Is that what you're saying? You should be naked, too. I think it's illegal for us both to be naked within arms reach of each other, but I appreciate where your brain is at.

And now this I didn't know, that stockings come from St. Nicholas leaving gold in the stockings of three unwed women to save them from prostitution. We're doing stockings this year because normally my parents did stockings of the past. and the goal with the stocking is to put the most useless shitty knick-knacks you can possibly find that you'll literally like be like, huh, a table top, like a pool table that fits on your hand. I'll never use this. And then you put, you know what you mean? And then you just move on.

I don't know if you guys do that. See, the stockings are my favorite part. Stockings in our family are, it is all your essentials. Like my mom would like put in all the makeup that I used. My body lotion. Really? A new toothbrush, toothpaste. Like, all the things that when I became in my 20s,

I was like, thank God the stocking. Because it was all of the things that I was like, I'm just like using the last drip of my toothpaste because I couldn't afford to buy more. And I was like, oh, thank God, we're going to get it in the stocking. So it'll be fine. And like the flossers and stuff like that. So that's why this year we also have to do each other's stockings.

And I looked at Jeff and I was like, you need to put all the things I use. And he's like, oh, yeah, okay. Just call Linda. Just call Linda. Linda will tell you what to put in there because you're not going to. He can figure it out. He could figure it out. When I was a kid, my grandparents would always put an orange in the stocking.

Just like a single orange. Just the orange or? There was also sometimes like a chocolate Santa. There was probably other stuff, but I really remember the orange. Because the orange, it was the same orange from the countertop the day before, you know? So you realize you were abused. That was abused. They used to talk about it.

Incessions. professional fighters. Yeah, do we need to talk about the, just the orange? Because I've heard the orange in the, in the toe of the stocking before, but I didn't realize that's all you got. Oh, well, maybe. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, well, maybe they were just doing that thing.

There was some chocolates in there, but the orange was just really notable because I was always like, well, I'll eat the orange. I like an orange, but it really stood out, it stood out in my mind. Now I feel, I feel, I've got stockings up for the kids, but now I feel like I want to put out ones for, uh, for me and Gideon too and make him get me some toilet trees. Start you to see, this is the one thing is that I'm trying to, I'm trying to recognize this, this holiday season for me.

Is it like, okay, well, we can't go see our family. So maybe it's time to start our own tradition. Right. Our own traditions of the things that we will do someday when we have a family. And I, well, I mean, I'm never going to be the matriarch because I've got an older sister. But whenever we host Christmas Sunday down the line with a family, we have to start creating our own things now because we've never even attempted to. So get some stockings and start to, you know, start something new, right?

Why not? Now is the time for it. Yeah. I think this is the year for it, too. You know, I actually was, it's funny, like a friend of mine was talking about how she, her whole tradition now is that she wears like full, they wear like full body pajama, pajama clothes, right? Like these pajama suits they wear every year.

They don't talk to any of their families. They order a bunch of Chinese food and just like sit and just like sleep all day and watch TV and stuff. And like that's the tradition they created. They were like, and we are so much happier because of it. I think a lot of people are looking down the barrel of that same gun. And I think that, you know, over on our end, we got a tree and stuff like that. And I'm really starting to think like, what meal are we going to make to be that meal?

You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Christmas Eve, my dad always made his very special. I love his spaghetti with meat sauce they make, so I think I'm going to make that. But Christmas Day, like, we're probably just going to, like, sleep in. And I'll probably fill up the stocking when she's in the other room. And then we'll kind of switch out on that.

And then it's like, what's that movie that we're going to probably watch every year now on Christmas Day? Yeah. And we get to choose that this year. I think that's a positive spin on the weirdness that is not being able to be with your families and stuff is fuck them. No, Holden. Yeah, I'm gonna fuck underneath the Christmas tree. I'll be like, oh, when mommy's not here, I'm gonna have sex under the Christmas tree.

I won't. You get to make your own fun. I mean, I have a couple of friends who were weirdly all found out that none of them were going home for Christmas one year, and they ate a bunch of mushrooms and said they got really weird and sad. Oh, yeah, it was a rough. I remember talking about because I remember being, I was so jealous.

I was like, man, I want to be doing drugs to everybody. And then it was, everyone's like, that was a... No, it got obsessed. We got really, really weird. But that's a fun tradition. It's an interesting, it's an interesting tradition. But also that mistletoe is a parasite that spreads from tree branch to tree branch by hitching a ride in bird shit. In fact, that's where it got its name.

This fucking author hates Christmas. This author is like, I don't even think so. celebrates it, like this is the most disrespectful. Which that's fine, but it's still, it's just such a, such evil for it. I think it's very funny. In fact, that's where it gets its name. Missletoe comes from the Anglo-Saxon word, Missulton, or dung on a twig.

That's why I had to read this list, because it's so funny. And I guess we will, I'll do one more. Haven Gillespie wrote, Santa Claus is coming to town directly after attending his brother's funeral. Gillespie wrote it on the subway after his publisher demanded a new Christmas hit. He hated hearing the song as it reminded him

of his dead brother. Jesus. So isn't that kind of fun? Merry, Mary, Mary, Merry, Merry holidays to you. Everybody's smiling. Sorry, I was captured by the spirit of Mariah Carey there for a moment. I looked up the author photo.

It's just a picture of Santa Claus being beaten to death, so I don't know what's going on. I get it, I get it. But thank you for the list, and my sweet God in heaven, I believe my sight is fading. I think I'm going blind items. Oh, we can't see them. This first one's obvious in what. because the juicy one I'm saving for last. The talk show host says she has changed.

She fired a staffer on Thanksgiving. Reason? Showed up five minutes late. Ellen. Yeah, she sucks. And I just was using an excuse to drag her a little bit more. I'm sure that's true. But she thanked all the people that she works for whose names she don't know

in her acceptance speech that she paid for the award that she got. It was an insane year. If you had told me at the beginning of this year that, that publicly people would turn against Ellen and yet still she would continue having a television show. I would have been like, I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

I think we should start coming up with the things that we would have not, like if someone told you at the beginning of this year that no way you would know now, I feel like that's what has to like happen for new years. Like let's start thinking of all the things that like, no fucking way. It'll be all right.

You're in review. Yeah, yeah, year and review. Start percolating on it. But please. Please, Holden, he's blind. I always love... Most of the blind items, they're saucy, and therefore kind of negative.

You know what I mean? There's something bad that's happening or something that the celebrity's fucking up on, or whatever, right? I always love to see a fun, lighthearted, positive one, and that's one of those right here, right now. This older, permanent, A-List celebrity

has learned how to do filters on her photos and has sent hundreds of photos to her friends over the past few days. It has been really hilarious to see how happy the filters make her. So obviously, like, this would pertain to an older celebrity. We have covered this celebrity in detail in the past on the other show we do. Martha Stewart.

Yes. Whoa, no way. Nice, Jackie. This makes sense. Considering she's been serving up those poolside looks on insolately. That's how I knew. Clearly enjoys that camera. Wow, that's fun.

Good for her. I love. I'm dying to see her, like, using the dog face. one and the, you know, kitty cat. I don't think she would allow that. But I also, we didn't get to this article today, but I do, speaking of in that same respect, please look up Dionne Warwick on Twitter because her Twitter is so, because she just realized how to do Twitter.

Tweet that Chance the Rapper. I'm Dion the singer. But it's also, it's so positive. It's so, and I know that now that she's saying that her niece helps her with. the, with writing the tweets and talking to other people, but she just is like tweeting at other musicians. And the musician is always like, oh my God, I can't believe you're talking to me. Dionne Warwick, you're amazing. And it's great. But that's sorry, that's, that's a whole other. I love it. I love it. Definitely, yeah, definitely look more into that because she's got some really

fun tweets. But either way, here is the reason for the season. The craziest tip I've received in a couple of months, says the blind at a website, which is like already just like, whoa. What? You get so many tips and so the craziest one I've gotten in a month. I thought I would share.

I made it blind. I'm originally from California, but I've been in a language immersion program in Italy for the past 18 months. Yesterday, I was doing my weekly shopping when I saw this A plus list mostly movie actor over at the fish counter.

He was wearing his mask, actually two, one on top of the other, but I knew it was him because he had security with him and because I heard he was filming in the city, which is an important detail. He's currently filming a movie there. So he purchased a whole sea bass, but requested they'd not wrap it up for him. He then took the fish into the men's room, was in there for about 10 minutes, and when he came out, he no longer had the fish.

I don't know what he was doing with it, but it's really fucking weird. Is he a seal? No. Like, is he a bear? Did he rub it against his penis? I don't know what he did within the bathroom. I have a follow-up story after you guessed this, though. Okay, well, you have to give, you gave us the, I don't know who is shooting in Italy right now, so you got to give us something.

We've talked about he's been making a movie, actually. He's crazy. He's like a known crazy-ass celebrity. He's, um... Dilley Bob Thornton? No, he's like... Joaquin Phoenix. No, but Colty.

He's got the Colty thing going. Jared Letto? No. No, older. James Frank. No, not James Frank. James Frango has a lot of black items, none of which are appropriate for this show. Oh, God.

If you could guess. Yeah, he's a piece of shit. Older and culty. Older, like, what's the big sex symbol? I mean, I'm going to say this and you'll guess it immediately. Does his end stunts. Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise.

Tom fucking Cruz. Wait, what is he doing in Italy, though? Have we talked about this? He's shooting a new. Mission Impossible movie. Oh, God. I think he ate the fish hole like a seal or a bear.

Oh my God, yes, he gulped it down like a little dolphin bitch. Molly, I have a follow-up story for you that may disprove that. So later in the week, this tip comes in. I believe I know who the fish bathroom guy is because I witnessed him doing something similar

in 2016 in a supermarket in L.A. He had been wearing sunglasses, but it was definitely him based on the nose and the bodyguard next to him. I mean, being L.A., I guess it could have been any celebrity was really the nose that gave him away. All right, we get it. I took a number from the red number thing. I love how detailed, by the way, this story.

I took a number from the red number thing and waited to be helped. Our actor was taking a while, though, because he was carefully examining every fish that the guy placed on the scale. Finally, he settled on one. Not sure what kind it was, though. The actor requested the man not wrap it up, so that's actually the only reason why I followed him. I thought maybe they were filming a movie or something, and they had a... an emergency need for a new prop. He went into the men's room

with the fish and the bodyguard, but I stayed outside, afraid of appearing to be yet another starstruck civilian following a celebrity. Although when they opened the door to the restroom, I could see there was not a film crew inside. I waited around like five minutes pretending to be shopping. It was about to leave.

I was saying, I might get in trouble for loitering outside the bathroom or something when they suddenly came back out of the bathroom with no fish. I was really curious. So I went in and found the fish in the garbage. wrapped in a massive amount of paper towels. Then I left.

So no, Molly. He didn't eat the fish like a seal. He did something else with the fish. He put the fish's mouth over his penis and he had to leave gum. And he made a cream pie of the fish. It was a fish cream pie. You think he fucked the fish? I think that fish cream pie.

He had to fuck the fish. There is no other choice. Either filled with cum inside of a supermarket bathroom or the idea of a recipe for a fish cream pie. Both are equally as disgusting in my mind. Have you seen Billy Bass? He's got a big gaper. And I can get it.

I bet it tightens up. Oh, Jackie. He has to live in the shadows. I mean, this is by far the most insane blind item I've ever seen in my life. He fucks the fish for sure. And he face-fucked it. That's the really fucked up thing. Or maybe Gil fucked it.

Depends. Yeah, he could have fucked the fish's other hole Yeah. I guess or whatever. Yeah. Fish has multiple holes.

Fish got like four holes. Five holes maybe. Yeah, I just think Face fucking is the most likely. Maybe that's just because of the vivid portrait that Jackie just painted for me.

I mean, Billy Bass. Billy Bass. Take me to the river. Remember Billy Bass? Oh, right. Drop me in the water. Don't take me.

to the bathroom. He's just crying. Yeah. I thought there's gonna be a lot more speculation over what happened with that fish, but you guys just admitted

they're like, no, definitely fuck the fish. I mean, there's no other choice. What else could he have done with it? Like a Scientology ritual or something. I don't know. The fish have Thetons in it?

I don't think so. I think he fucked that fish. No, he fucked it. There's just no other. I wish there was another option, but there's not. The gifts we have been given this week.

I need to say, I need to say thank you to the universe. I needed this. I needed a positive week of just insane bullshit. And Tom Cruise has sex with fish. And that is something we definitely know, no. I just was so, it was like the first thing I saw on Monday when I start looking for blind items. I was just like, I started singing, hallelujah.

That's what he's singing. He's just entering the fish over and over again. The fourth of fifth. Yeah, it goes like this, the fourth of fifth. I bought it at the store and fucked a fish. Hallelujah. What a gift. And I just thank you guys for being here to listen and to witness this gift that we've been given this week.

And I can't thank you enough for. listening and being with us this week. And I love all of you. And thank you so much for writing in to page 7 podcast at gmail.com. I really, really appreciate it. It has definitely been putting a smile on my face every day. And I can't thank you enough for that. And wait, you can see again, right, Holden? I can see again. I said it earlier. I'm absolutely good to go. All right, as long as you can see again. I just wanted to make sure. I know that that was the coop to grace that we were looking for. And we've had multiple today. And my name is Jackie Zabrowski. And we'll be back next week. We're definitely going to go through. I think you might like it. So I think you might want to revisit

it before next week because we always find new fun things. And thank you so much for hitting me. Also, the TikTok that went viral this week about Christmas shoes that you guys sent me. I love. Christmas shoes is in us all now. And that was my gift to you guys years ago. Fantastic. Not only can I see again that Tom Cruise Fish fucking story gave me a third eye to sprouted in my forehead. Yeah. So now I see a lot more than normal.

And also follow me, Twitch.com forward slash hold natures ho. Check out Patreon. Patreon.com forward slash page seven podcast. And of course we've got a regular. We're getting thirsty in New Moon right now because Jacob just took a shirt off. And we're having so much fun because, oh, we are riding on motorcycles. and oh my God we're just so bad,

but we have to be bad so we can hear his voice again. Come be a part of our book club because we have way too much fun reading Twilight. Yeah, and that comes as a you in it. Molly, what do you got for us? My name is Molly. I am MJK. L. Kat on Instagram. And you can follow me at Jack Matt Wharf.

I love you guys so much, and we'll talk to you next week. Bye, everybody. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors. You can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to lastpodcastnetwork.com.