Page 7 - Ep. 399: The Age of Assquarius

Episode Date: April 22, 2021

We're gearing up for ass crack summer by gossin' about Lizzo sliding into Chris Evan's dms, Gucci drama, and in celebrity conspiracy corner: does Billie Eilish have cursed eyes?!?!?!?!?!Want even more Page 7? Support us on Patreon! Patreon.com/Page7PodcastKevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0 Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

days I have had this song stuck in my head. Oh my God. I never thought my life could be anything but catastrophe. But suddenly I begin to see a bit of good luck for me. Because I've got a golden ticket. Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma. I got a golden twinkle in my eye. I've got a golden ticket in the sun, in the sky.

I just made that part up because I don't know how the rest of it goes. It's just that beginning part. I think about Stinky Joe singing his song in his stinky little bed. And I apologize. You know how I feel about all of the grandparents in the bed. The stink that there must be. Yeah. It's odd.

It doesn't matter how much you change the sheets. That many people in one bed is going to be stinky. That book gave me like a real fucked up vision. of what poverty would be like. I was like, I guess it's kind of fun. You know, like a lot of children's books are like that. It's like, poverty's kind of fun. Everybody lives together.

Everyone's in the bed together. Yeah, they make the best of it. Yeah, exactly. No, my poverty life was way more Coorslight 40s and a lot more crying than a bunch of old people stinking up a bed. But that's fine. Yeah, poverty is like phone calls to like stressful agencies, you know? Like, that's what I did.

That or the opposite of that of, of, never answering phone calls because of whatever agency was calling. Stressful agency is calling you. Yeah, it's like paperwork and a lot of letters that you need to respond to in time. So many letters or just rip up. And just how many times I would just spend like a whole hungover morning cutting up all of these letters that they would send them like, well, if I cut them up, then they can't find me. That's what they teach you in college. Welcome to page seven.

I didn't mean to be so dreary on this hour week of 420. and April Reels Day, but this is, it's been a lot. We've shed many a tear this week. Yeah, it's Holy Week over here. I have been through the gamut of emotions. And honestly, you know, we laughed, we cried on April 19th, April Reels Day. Was I think maybe one of the most impactful, important April Reals Day's days we've had so far. Huge turnout.

We had 800 people at one point tuning in. It was unbelievable. They really want to see two people. be on it's just so funny it just goes to show how how many people yearn for pure honesty in conversate you know what if a if presidential debates could only be April reels right what what about that what about the two president candidates they sit down and instead of in anger and in hatred and in frustration and screaming at each other instead they sit down and just be like bill I just think that you could do better when it comes to the budget

You know what I mean? And then they have an actual open, honest conversation about it. Communication is key. And Bill just be like, I hear that. And I actually, you're right. You know what I mean? I accept it. How powerful that would be.

And then, of course, but you're not talking to me on April Reels. And you're not talking me on the day after April Reels. You're talking to me on the day after the day after April Reels, which is, of course, 421, which means we just did 420. And I didn't do anything fun or special. by fun or special, I mean, for some weird reason, get together with all my friends and get too high to talk, which is the whole point of getting together with your friends, but whatever. I didn't do any of that for 420, but I did just maintain a constant high. I think maybe more than even most years, because I just had,

shout out to the last podcast on the left, vape pens out there making the rounds. I was smoking that, illuminated Sativa all day yesterday, my little battery with my last podcast branded, what are you called, snake oil, whatever it's called. I don't think it's filled with snake oil. I just made myself constantly high yesterday. And that's why, guys, I just want to say to each and every one of the children of the world right now, it's all groovy, baby. Just relax, ease into it.

And it's groovy, baby. Holden has the energy of someone who was, like, truly both physically and emotionally spent. And I appreciate it. If you want to get the same effect that one would get from a very intense hallucinogenic, like, mushroom trip, just do April Reels with your bestie and then do 420 the day after and it's the same vibe it's like man we went through it

we went through the hardest of times we went through the fucking chillest of times bra and now we're here to say okay okay we are here for it and Holden did make me cry with one of his April Reels but it was in an actual

a very good way it was in a very nice way that he made me cry. So I felt elated this week, but also finding myself having to deal with the echoes of the reels that he gave me that now is a part of everything that I think.

And Jackie made me pretty upset when she called my penis shitty. Yeah, I said you got shitty penis. I said yuck into half. She went right to the what not to do on April. Real's day. She decided to mix it up. You have a shitty penis. I was like, whoa!

Whoa! I didn't think you'd seen it before. Yeah, yeah, it was the whole thing. Lexi was crying in the court. Yeah, it was the whole thing. We were all crying. No, no, no. But, no, I've been thinking more about my fashion and things of that like and how I am in my relationship, so that's fun, too. It's really good. And I'm also thinking about how I approach my situations and trying to go with the flow a little bit more. And you know what? Holden, I found that right.

before we started recording this, I wasn't going with the flow. And I knew to remember. I didn't even think about that. I did immediately think about it. And then I got scared about a spider because there was a spider in my desk. Yeah, you actually got hit with so many

slings and arrows right before this just in this weird apropos situation. I was attacked by a spider. I did not kill the spider. It's bad luck to kill a spider in your home. So now it is under the cup on my desk. So we have a third co-host today. and the spider is under there

so it can't get out and I will wait for Jeff to come home and help me get it outside. And cry at him until he fixes it. I could do it myself. I know I could put a piece of mail underneath. But what if it jumps? What if it gets into my blood system

like I'm in the mummy? And right now that spider is under that cup conspiring to take you down. Oh my God. Is it conspiring? Is that all it's doing right now? Is it conspiring? Good sputtering.

Given how loud you screamed, Jackie, I'm pretty surprised that you're doing as well as you are with that spider on your desk. I think that it's actually very brave of you to leave the spider on your desk under the cup. I don't think it's going to escape without you seeing it. But, you know, I am trying to praise you

for your ability to go with the flow. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate that. April wheels. You're being so chill right now. I need to also confess when I see. said it was a very big spider. It is probably the size of a penny, but we know that change is important in many ways, okay? So be the change, be the change. I feel like spiders, it's kind of like cats. Like spiders, like, seek out the person who would be the most fucked up by a spider

and just plop down right in front of them. It's like, I never, I don't give a fuck about a spider. I never catch, like, see spiders around. But everywhere's I know that's mortified of spiders is that I see their posts on Twitter. It's like, day is over. I'm not leaving the bedroom today. Like, you know what I mean? And just like this crazy, gnarly spider shows up in their L.A. home.

And you're like, why? Spiders, we have a very live and let live policy in our house. We just don't even interfere at all. But, of course, in New York, it is the cockroaches. And I was just telling Jackie and Holden that my beloved angelic child recently dropped. I love this. Two inch long live cockroach into the ball pit with a big smile on her face.

So funny. And I screamed so loud. I will appreciate the fact that you were raising children that she didn't even know to be scared of the cockroach. Yeah, yeah. I had a shitty cat at one point that used to run outside and bring cockroaches in. This is reminding me of that terrible cat. Don't like in their child. Well, doesn't get like a cat.

I mean, she wouldn't even. She doesn't know to be afraid of anything because her whole life has been in the blissful embrace of her family because it's been a pandemic. And, you know, cockroaches always come out in the fucking springtime. And I remember the other extremely traumatic story I have about a fucking cockroach is the one I was pumping after Freddie was born. And it was also springtime. And I was pumping attached, trapped by the pump. And a very large spider jumped out of the radiator. and started working its way towards me while I was attached to the pump.

And Freddie was sleep, the baby was sleeping a couple of inches away. But with this, the live cockroach was in the ball pit. It's not like a, like a, you know, kid zone size ball pit. It's like a very small ball pit. But I still had to empty like 500 balls out one at a time to get the live cockroach. I just like the idea of you saying because your husband was gone, that you just went, get into your cribs. Because you didn't know what to say.

to them to get them out of the room. I screamed, everybody get out of the room! And then they, like, looked at me, like, where are we supposed to go? And then I said, everybody get to the crib! And so I put both kids in Zelda's crib, and Zelda was screaming, because she had no... I've never screamed like that before in front of them, ever.

So she had no idea why I was screaming. And also, a kind of comedy, adding to the comedy of errors, I guess they didn't know what a bug was. Like, I hadn't said the word bug, because Freddie was like, Mama, why are you screaming? And I was like, there's a bug, like a big bug. But I call boogers boogs.

And so I was like, it's a huge bug. And they both thought I was saying boog. And Zelda kept pointing to her nose and being like, boog, boo, boo. And then I, so I think all this time that they were in the crib watching me one by one take the balls out so that I could find this live cockroach. They had no, what was happening. And then afterwards, I had to be like, no, a bug, a bug, an insect bug. And I still don't think they knew what I meant because I just found the cockroach and killed it. And, you know, I don't have a live and let live policy with cockroaches.

And so I don't- Understandable, they carry diseases. Freddie told everybody she saw it for the next week about what happened, but I still don't think she really knows what happened. Yeah. That it's so interesting to think of kids being raised in different places where, like, can you imagine someone that, like, grew up, like, in a more of a farm-ish setting of, like, they didn't know what bugs were like,

you know, whenever I talked with Jeff about these things, he's like, yeah, we were, like, running around in the, dirt and like playing with that. It means like they were all into that kind of stuff. And as a kid, no. I was like, we read. We like to read. We read a lot.

And it's kind of like being outside and playing with bugs. But with the amount that I screamed, I have post-traumatic spider disorder, though, because of living in Tallahassee, Florida. Where you think like, oh, I like when the spiders are bigger because then I can see them. But when you're in bed and you see something, the size of a hand that you're not in the Adams family and it is not thing and you see it moving

underneath your bedding you want to die you just want to be dead okay yeah I don't want that yeah that sounds bad and I lived in a lot of ass spiders and then they would just jump and you're like ah and it's just you when you can feel them in the bed now I do have forever issues with spiders all right that's fair it's a size of a penny your screaming was was proportionate. But you know who is being raised in a very different situation than any of us have been raised?

Yes, I'm talking about the Rock's daughter, Tia Chiana. Or, what's her name? Man, I'm screwing this up. I'm screwing it up. I was because of my transition. I felt really good about my transition. I was so solid on the transition

and then just screw it up. Tiana. Tiana. Tiana. Tiana is his beautiful baby three-year-old who asked, even though she loves that her father is in Moana, it seems that she really likes the water and everything about the water.

And she asked her father if he knew Aquaman. And he said, yeah, I do. I do know Aquaman. But then she's asking to a point that it's making him sad because then she doesn't care now anymore that her dad is in Moana. She only wants to meet Aquaman to the point that on her birthday, he drew a likeness of Aquaman because she wanted to have breakfast with Aquaman. So what did The Rock do?

He hit up Jason Momoa and Jason Momoa sent her a personal message from Aquaman to her about how he loves her and he loves her papa and he's so sorry that he can't be there with her, but he has to go like live amongst the fish. And it just, I saw this and you know how I feel about both of them. And it just made me, I just, I ate carbs until I felt like I was pregnant. That's what I did instead. It was like, I'm pregnant. And then maybe The Rock will help me burr the bagel baby. And then they'll send messages to it.

I mean, it's incredibly sweet. It's also so funny to me, though, that like the Rock is maybe the biggest movie star on the entire planet and he's just like, still not good enough you got to idolize Aquaman? That would probably drive me crazy. I'm like, what else can I do to be like the fucking most badass dad

of the world and still you want to fucking kick it with like the one part I didn't get. You got to give it you got to give it over to this guys. Jason Memoa occupies this strange place in my own loins where it's like for years I've heard Jackie talk about him. I've always

been like not my type big, big monster man, like, with astounding muscles and his big flowing hair. Like, yes, he's super objectively handsome, but I don't, and it's just like, you know, some of those, sometimes those people who at first you're like, I get that they're attractive, but I don't personally feel it. And then they just kind of settle in, you know, and then you just gradually realize, like, I still wouldn't name Jason Mamoa in my top 10 even. But now, when I watch him speak, I'm like, okay, I really.

do understand what Jackie is feeling when she watches you speak. I'm mad about it. He's very competent. You know I'm mad about it. I really don't want, oh my God, I didn't have no idea that the Rock is going to be playing this superhero called Black Adam soon because in one of the captions underneath, it just said for Tia's birthday, she insisted Aquaman joined us for breakfast, and then after we ate, she has Daddy to draw Aquaman so she can frame it and hang it up in a room.

Black Adam's going to hand out a fresh Aqua ass whoopin if this disrespect keeps up. It's really, it's everything about both of them that I really like the way they interact with their families. I like that they really enjoy being these ultra super, I mean, obviously, can you imagine the hours it takes every day to work out, to maintain both of their bodies and still be present. I imagine not present all the time, but as present as they can be when they are able to, to their kids, and that makes me love that even more. And they both worship their wives,

even though I know that we hear a lot about Aquaman, but it seems that they have some sort of understanding. Yes, yes. Apparently their love-making skills are no, no bounds. Many speak towards it how they're incredibly, you know, they're just sort of like, how long today. They're like, please, not more than two hours of, you know, sort of your lovemaking certain, you know what I mean? They have to ask them to like chill out. You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah. That's what I read on those blogs or whatever. Is that, would you read about it? How do you feel about it? How were you, are your loins quaking right now? You know, I'd fucking watch the two of them like, I don't know, eat a bunch of ham or something and probably jerk off to it. Oh, yeah. You know what? Honestly, same. I'm always into ham. Ham gets me gravy churnin. I don't know, maybe, I guess. It's Jason Momoa's eyes.

That's the thing. You sleep on his eyes. It's like, you're like, oh, get big muscles, not my thing. Ah, huge flowing hair. It's beautiful, but it's not my thing. And then you just look at his eyes and you're like, okay. It's true. MJ, it's like he like manages to look both intimidating

and like soft as hell all at the same time and I think that's what the ladies like is they see a protector but they also see like a fucking you know Teddy bear yeah fuck lord fuck lord fuck partner a lord of fucking like an emotional fuck partner

yeah yeah like a god of it like I want to tell you when I'm struggling and they'll hold me like a in one arm that's who I'm marrying oh my god It's like, guess what I understand even better than the sea? And they're like, what, what? Fucking.

I get that even better. And I know all the names of all the trouts, and I still get that better. Any of you ever seen him climb a rock wall before? I've watched many a video. Oh, I don't know. Are you talking about Jason Mabella climbing the rock like a tree? Interesting. Oh, yeah.

That is a tape I would watch. All right? Everybody wants to climb the rock wall But please he has two beautiful little girls And he loves his wife Jackie So I don't appreciate the thirsting Okay, it's a bit much You know what a thirsting I do appreciate

This whole Lizzo sliding into Chris Evans' DMs This is something I don't know if we've ever talked about this On this show before But Chris Evans is definitely another one of those Where you look at him like Of course he's Captain America Like it's not really that kind of

of hot is not usually my type. But then everything you hear about the dude, he's covered in tattoos underneath there. He's apparently just so sweet and so nice and so approachable. So Lizzo got hammered and slid into Chris Evans' DMs. And he actually responded. And I appreciate that so much because she was Instagram-living it. And he said,

no shame in a drunk DM face throwing a kiss emoji. God knows I've done worse on this app, LOL, L.O.L. Face palm emoji. Because remember when everyone talked about when he possibly accidentally or maybe did it on purpose,

let a picture of his penis get leaked. Yeah. The weirdest, like, baddest angle, dumb picture of penis ever. I think it was accidental. We're all pretty sure it's accidental because he was taking like a screenshot, I believe, of something else.

and it just also these kinds of infallibilities is what I like with my celebrities I think it's fun then it is that they're just like ah they're just like ass even though Chris Evans is nothing like me

he has nothing in love what did she write initially what did she we don't do we know do we know what she initially wrote to him no I don't in the video she doesn't say she's just like and yeah I love I love this story for many reasons

I feel similarly about about Chris Evans like at first it's like okay I get you and then he gradually becomes to like seem like actually really funny really really charming really hot person and also it's Lizzo so I'm like you better treat Lizzo with the utmost respect for her hotness and majestic charisma coming into your DMs like you have been blessed by Lizzo even if you're not trying to make out with her and so I really appreciate that he was like so fun about it. That's my favorite part. I feel like

it's great that she, everything about the way she, everything she, it's Lizzo week. We have like three Lizzo stories. Each one better than the last. There's so much of Lizzo going on right now, which makes me so happy. Also, what she did, which was very early, I think this is part of the reason why she was so a little embarrassed is that she was drunk at 522 p.m. When she messaged it. So was it even like 3 o'clock in the morning? That's a celebrity. They're just like us.

Yeah, that is what it is like us. And it just was three emojis. It was a puff of wind, a sports player, and a basketball. That's right. What is they the mean? She was shooting her shot. She was shooting her shot. Yes.

That's bad. Which is great. Also, I do feel you could have said a lot more things that would make you look worse. I could say. Hey, saw your dick. That was cool. I did. Like to like it.

Fine with that. White boy summer. Yeah, yeah. Oh my God. Don't even get. We can't. That's what speaking of. Yeah.

I know we gave him the Viking funeral. We are not pro white boy summer. I just say he hit her up. He just was like, oh, Luzzo, maybe me. And it's like, yeah, you're a lot like Chris Evans. You know what I mean? Yeah. I think that's the funniest part about the fact that Chet Hanks then saw this happening,

slid back. He slid into. Elizzo's DMs then, trying to shoot his shot. Shot his shot. And I am sad that she didn't respond because I would love to hear what she had to say about Chet Hanks, obviously, comparing himself to Chris Evans, which is just not the case. It's certainly not the case. But he definitely tried.

And I want to say good for him. It's great that I love that The Chris Evans Lizzo story is like Oh she wanted his DMs He responded that's so fun And then the Chad Hanks part is like He wanted her DMs and she didn't respond

And like that's good You know like it's like It's just like Yeah don't Don't write back to him Like it would be great I would love to hear what Lizzo has to say about him But also

I think that it is just as fun That she didn't respond to Chad Hanks As it is fun That Chris Evans did respond to her She's like, I have better things to do. She ghosted him just like, we're ghosting White Boy Summer, all right? Yes, we are. And we're not ghosting.

In fact, we're fleshing asscrack summer. Yeah, I said Fleshing is the opposite. Fleshing ass-quishing askegast. No, we are showing up in our meatzax for ass-crack summer. I don't want none of that sounds appetizing. All right, I'm taking over this PR campaign. That was literally the most bounce off of that idea so fast. You can't even scream about it.

That was so upsetting sounding. Ass hanging out of pants. We'll bounce it off an ass. I hope all your organs and guts are ready for this crack in that fleshy ass, ladies and gentlemen. Is anyone, no, everyone's turned off? Okay, never mind. Are we just going to stay inside? We're going to eat, we're going to do quarantine even though we're just doing quarantine because how gross that sounded.

We're done with quarantine, Holden. No, we want to be done with quarantine. Please. All right. We won't flesh it. Oh, yeah, flesh. How about just like, you know, fun friend Friday? I'm bad at this.

But this is us once again being ahead of the curve because we declared it but summer last week. And then Lizzo, who probably is a huge fan of this podcast, was like, but summer, I'll do you one better, ass crack summer. She just took that our idea and made it more specific. Ascrack summer. And I do love, though, that she was wearing when she declared it this awesome purple dress that had like a big heart cut out. And so that you could just straight up look at her, the top of her ass crack. And you know what? I was so inspired by it that I went out and I bought a pair of shorts for the first time in, I think, five years.

Jackie has anyone called you fucking brave lately? I am brave. I want to see you be brave. Oh my God, thank you. And let your ass fall out. Oh my God. I love it. You want to see me be ass brave.

And I am ass brave this summer because if you guys remember, and I know you do, I started wearing skirts only for the past. years because I have a very tall ass crack. And no matter how high waisted of pants I get, my ass comes out of them. I don't know how. I don't know why. And they're like, oh, put a belt on it. The belt doesn't stay up either.

I don't know. My body is shaped like a bit of a refrigerator. So, but if it's ass crack summer, you know what? I've been doing all this gardening and I, it's hard to do in the skirts. Sometimes I bought my ass some shorts. And I'm nervous about it. I bought my ass shorts. Check my nails.

Oh, my goodness. Yes. Feeling good in shorts. Feeling good in shorts. And I feel very excited for it this summer. And I'll let you guys know how it goes. It's difficult in the shape of my body to find appropriate shorts. What length shorts did you get?

Because that's always my struggle. It's a struggle. I don't, I have weirdly long, I have weird shaped legs. So you can't, I can't get tiny ones because then just my thighs are just pouring out of them. But then if I wear them down to my knees, I look like an idiot. So I don't know. Why an ass crack coming out of these shorts? Yes.

Yeah. Yeah. Right? Wow. Holden. Just thought I'd still a little MJ Sunder just thinking. You're both doing a very good job. And are you guys, what are you going to do?

Are we, yes, but summer. Have you thought any more about but summer? I need to have my shorts game. I need up my shorts game for sure. I'm in L.A. up in these jeans and it ain't a good feeling. It ain't a good look. I've got my bathing suits, but I don't have my shorts. and I guess I need to figure it out though

and maybe you two could give me some help on this. I mean, what do I do? Should I go that full Henry route where he just wears these like tiny little toddler shorts or should I wear like, you know, something a little more in the Fred Durst vein of short? Where do we draw the line? Above the knee, below the knee.

On your vision board is just Henry and Freddard. Henry wearing these like tiny little shorts. No other people wear shorts. What I will say as someone that, is marrying someone that works more in the fashion world is that for him, he believes that the fashion looks best when you show all of your knee cap, including the top of your knee. So I think that it's anywhere above that or else it actually cuts off your body in a weird way. So the fashion line is right. But also, like I said, I'm new to shorts.

So I think that that is where it's supposed to be if that's what you want or shorter. I need to have goth daddy dress me. Yeah, yeah, right? It's very, like, I know a lot of men struggle with shorts. My husband is one of them. They've been told people have made fun of their skinny little chicken legs or whatever, and men feel like their legs aren't sexy or whatever. And so most men that I know are very self-conscious about wearing shorts,

and it's tough because the choices for men tend to be, like, very baggy cargo shorts or like jorts, which for some reason got a really bad reputation. Right, right. Or like big short thigh shorts that show all of your majestic thighs. And I understand that there's like, it's hard to know where to come in on that. But I also feel like it's hard for women because, right, most of the choices are either teeny tiny. And now longer shorts are in. I have never, I've always been a long shorts person.

I've got to figure out some shorts to fucking course. bond with my gender this summer, which is going to be tricky. But I, it's very, the men, there is a dearth of, of masculine shorts out there. Right. That aren't Fred Durst shorts. It really is hard. See, I have the opposite problem. I'm worried the pussy going to get too wet if I get the shorts too short, right?

Because my legs, I think my legs are so sexually appealing that I just don't want to, it's like, I want to walk down the street and I be like, am I in a fucking slip and slide right now? because all of these fucking B words around me are just like, when they just start screaming at the sighty. I'm like, I'm not the Beatles, bro, at their heyday. I'm fucking just wearing a pair of shorter shorts, bro. Everybody going to be screaming. I am married, but I am not a rake.

I love a skinny, hairy leg. I think the skinny hairy legs should be shown off, and I think it's interesting that we, expect women to show off their legs no matter what shape they are, but men are stigmatized for their skinny, hairy legs or not skinny hairy legs. Not all men have skinny legs, but I think that they tend to be skinny or proportionate to the rest of their bodies. And I think that's great. I think that we should brag about it. I'm also waiting for like, you know, I feel like every year, which is great, that we've seen things getting better and things being more widely accepted as someone with

varicose veins. When is that going to be accepted? I feel like it's one of the those things that sometimes when people see my legs, they're like, I can't believe you don't wear like the tights or anything to like hide them. And I'm like, what am I going to fucking do? You know, they're there. And until you're at an age, because there's nothing you can do about them, until they're either a complete health risk or you're old, that's it, that anything would be covered. It's like, how also weird to bring up or the kind of thing where it's like, it's a lot of the kind of thing where kids would be like, what's that and point at it? which, understandable.

But it's like, and then a parent being like, don't ask them that. No, let's talk about it. I got vague. Yeah, don't speak to the witch. I got issues down there. And yeah, it makes them throbby. Yeah, it makes some herbs.

All right, okay. I'm trying to make it sexy. I'm trying to make the throb in the veins as sexy as the throb in my squirty bird. Throbbing is sexy, Jackie. Throbbing is reclaim throbbing. We didn't even bring up the unedited photo that Elizzo dropped as well to kick off tour season. And, you know, in that photo, at least you do have like stretch marks and stuff.

And I think things, you know, that are starting to point more towards, I think a lot of people are starting to demand a more realistic looking just with how edited Instagram is. In fact, a great subreddit I read it is Instagram reality, right? Because it always just shows these ridiculous photos. shops and how crazy different people look on an Instagram photo as a edited Instagram photo as opposed to the original version. So yeah, I think we're getting there, but you're right, yeah, I think the Verico's vein might be the final frontier. That and the bad toe. You know what I mean? Oh, the bad toe?

You got a bad toe? When people just have a weird toe, you know what I mean? Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, not shaming. No toe shaming. But also. Hey, you with that fucking toe.

Yeah, I get that all the time. It's just like, all right, I'm just trying to get the mail here. I'm just trying to pet this doll. But the toe, but what about the toe? But we can see things. Let's also destigmatize like, we can destigmatize like very poorly taken care of feet while we're at it. Like, I haven't had a pedicure in well over a year because of the pandemic and I'm still scared to go into a nail salon. So I want to be, I also got to find, God, I got to find some sandals that express my gender.

It's going to be a nightmare. What am I going to do? wear tivas? None. No, sandals don't express gender. Sandals should be eradicated. You know this is my policy. What are you going to do, hold it? You can't wear converts to a pool party. All the dudes these days are wearing them clothes, towed shoes, MJ. I know. I know, but I'm not, I can't do that. I'm like a glittery flip-flops. No, you get slides. I want those Katie Perry fruit flip-flop. Slides, I believe, is the great, is the great unifier when it comes to. Yeah, the slides. Yeah. I'll got a, I'll got a, I'll I got an Adidas soccer slide.

In fact, Lexi has these great pride slides that you can check out. They got the rainbow, the rainbow slides. And Holden hates her slides. I don't like slides. I just don't. They'll never look good to me. They'll never look good. But you know what?

That's her house shoes. And I respect them as her house shoes, but they're sloppy. That's the thing. Can you, great, because I love a slide. Can you wear a slide out, out, you know, whatever. that means I don't go to the club, but can I wear us? Apparently. I think you can wear it to the club.

I think they're perfect for the club. For the club, for sure. That I've always read about. Because then if you get in a fight with some other fucker, you can pull the slide off to start beating them. Slaping them with it. That's always what's good for the club. I feel like it's something that Snooky has done,

but I can't remember. Didn't she throw a slide? Make it rain and slap them with the sandal. You know what I mean? That's what I always heard. So you make a, it's the most confusing club move ever. you make a rain, everyone's like, hell yeah. Then you just start beating everywhere around you with a sandal while they try to pick up the money.

And they're just like, what is the point of the? I don't understand the fun in this. Is money or are you just hurting people for your own kicks? I do think this is another area where women get fun fashion sandals and men don't. Men have like crocs and like, I guess, like, leather clothes, leather sandals. I think crocs are universal, first of all, just universally bad. universally score. Yeah, for sure.

Yeah, yeah. And definitely, yeah, the dude's sandal is a tricky one. A, just promise me you'll never wear any of that to the airport. But I'd say it's all tough. I mean, definitely TiVos, I think, are probably the worst, right, in terms of a sandal. That's best. Aside from Crocs, you know. Then you always have, what's the hippie ones?

Birkenstocks. Burks, yeah. Those are always bad. They're very good for your feet, though. Very good for your feet, but bad for the world to look at. So there's that issue there. So if you want to be selfish, then yes, I guess you could wear burks.

So where does that leave? It's probably slides. It's probably the best case scenario. And those look dumb as all hell. I just hate it all, though. I love that much you eight sandals. You're over here in beautiful L.A. with pants and closed-toed shoes.

Your body is missing out on the sensations. Set it free. Yes. Set it free. I'm considering thinking about it. Honestly, MJ, what you need are to get some of those jellies, but they still will rip up your feet, I imagine. And that's not good for being schleping around kids in the city. So I don't have anything else for you.

We'll bring in. We'll talk to our fun. Check out Lisa Rose over on Instagram, because that's who we go to now for all of our dressing, grooming questions. and she really helps us out because I don't know how to do anything. Yeah. You neither. That's something we all three have in common. Yes.

And something we don't have in common with David Hasselhoff's daughter is a lot. Like becoming the first plus-sized cover model for Playboy in Europe. Now, we're talking about all these things of making things less shameable. And I really love the fact that this came up on my radar that, David Hasseloff, which I feel like has been up and down in the mental health game when it comes to being in the celebrity world. But I appreciate the fact that... Big in Germany. Big in Germany.

And his daughter is also in this German version of Playboy. She looks amazing on the cover of it. In fact, I looked at it and was like, I want this look as like a, the wedding night look for my life. because mama mea, she's pressed up against this like gold mirror. She looks absolutely amazing. But I appreciate the fact that David Hasselhoff went out of his way to show support for her. When I feel like, if I remember correctly, he was a little fat shamy in the past. So I appreciate that maybe he's trying and maybe he's growing.

And I think it's great. I will see. I tried to get his autograph one time, and he just kept referring to me as slobbers. Oh, well, that means sense. So, yeah, which I felt it was a little bit of an attack. Well, how much were you slobering? I was slobbing down a hot.

I was slobbing down a big old hot dog while trying to get his autograph, so I guess that's like. No, no, no, but I just want to say, I can't believe Playboy still exists. I was thinking about this the other day, actually, so I was surprised when you sent me this. I was like, damn, I guess Playboy's just gone, right? because I don't, who sees it, who gets it, you know what I mean?

So I'm glad this is happening, but I'm also just, that was my first thought, was like, wow, Playboys still is a thing at all, which is fascinating that we're here. But I'll just go ahead and say, I mean, her on that cover is hotter than so many. I mean, and definitely was more of like a, remember like the 80s but ideal? It was just not, no butt. There was just no ass. Like, there's so many. women who have been on that thing,

there were like the pinnacle of like beautiful women and the it's just like the butt's just like, boop, it just like does nothing. And so it's just nice to see it's like, yeah, a fucking big fun ass is very sexy. Why was it not why was it excluded for

so many years to make this like a big deal? It's another one of the things I was so confused about in high school because I was like everybody, every picture of every, like, you know, woman I've ever seen on a magazine cover has like no nuance. I think it was like a cocaine thing. I think just cocaine

makes you like not care about asses. I could be wrong. I don't know what it did. But that's just I associate the like weird aesthetic, that aesthetic. That like it's not that a flat ass is a bad thing. It was just funny that like there was like it was they made it a point to not have the butt be fun until about until J-Lo essentially blew the doors off of the big butt. By the end of the 90s, but up until like all through the 70s and 80s, like the general ideal was just like not ass.

Tiny butt. Yeah. And not that no ass is not fun either because I feel like it also just depends on how you live your life and how you love your ass. We got to take back our love for our asses. Yeah. Give us the ass. But summer. And it was like just giant tits the size of the moon.

And then just no ass. And you're like, it was almost like they took all the meat from the. the ass and they just put it in the breast. They shoved it up. That's what the corsets are for. I know. Take my ass. I can't wait for the DMs. I'm going to get after this fucking dissection of the male gaze through the 70s, 80s, up to today. But you are like, it is, it is.

Society has been telling us what is pretty for so long, that things are finally breaking the mold in a way that we've been wanting to see our entire line. And it didn't, it doesn't make sense. Yeah, this confused speculation from my end is mostly because if you look at the woman on the cover of that magazine, she is a, like, for that to be this like brave movement in Playboys, it is so ridiculous because she's fucking a smoke show on that cover. It makes sense. So it's like, what do you even mean?

How is this even this? And men are always talking about asses. But my confusion as a young person was like, men are always talking about how much much they love asses, but every woman I've ever seen on a magazine doesn't have any ass fat and people, but then, you know, songs and culture was like, fat asses. And I was like, I don't understand how to square these two things. And I think we're talking about, and I think we're definitely, we're talking about the past. I feel like now, man, if you want to see big, fun asses, they're on those covers. You got them. Yeah. But yeah, definitely back in the day,

it was a very strange aesthetic, I feel like, when you look back. Better age for asses now. Yeah, yeah. It is. It's the age of Asquarius, I guess. This is Donning, got it. In New those Squarius. I love it.

Taurus season, and my love to your Taurus that you live with, I'm surrounded by Tauri. I have so many tourists in my life, I get scared of it. But I know that Taurus season is just as important as Leo season. Oh, yeah. Yes, when it comes to how much we like attention. I feel like we're getting towards celebrity conspiracy time, and I'm very excited about it. But I don't want to jump the gun because I do just at least want to mention this funny Gucci thing before we do.

The Gucci family is like so mad about this Gucci movie. And I love the best part is that they like talk about how Al Pacino's too ugly to play the part of the Gucci guy. I just, okay, but okay. Gucci's, would you rather them get one of the greatest actors to have ever lived to play? I think that that is way more important. He looks like him too. Did you see the side by side? They're like, he's much more beautiful than Al Pacino.

And then you look at the picture of the guy Al Pacino's playing and what they did with Al Pacino's look. I'm like, it's the same look. And he has the same sidebirds. And I don't know what you guys are talking about. It's so funny. They look and they're mad. And also like the woman that Gaga is portraying is pissed off because Gaga never called her to ask.

I do think it's weird that they are not talking to the Gucci family at all. Yeah, I'm surprised there was no reach out whatsoever. I am surprised about that as well. That's the one thing that I agree with. They should have, if Gaga had the opportunity to sit down with the actual human being and learn about her character. I'm sure she would. Yeah, if that was a real thing, then that's a missed opportunity for sure. So I actually am not sure.

Like, I don't really get what happens when it comes to these things of, like, are they not allowed to talk to them at some point? Who knows? If the family's not involved, like, are they not to do it? Right. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, maybe there's a legality thing. Like, if you reach out, just reaching out in the first place could open you up maybe

to some legal issues. Who knows? You know, I mean, it's probably not going to make them look great. So maybe that's just why, period. They're like, why bother? Or like, we don't even want to get involved because we're not shining a good light on these people. I am so excited about this fucking movie, dude. I, man, every picture I see, I'm just like, mama me.

I want all of them. Ridley Scott directing is fucking awesome. I'm so excited. Also, yeah, if you look at this art, every actor who's playing this family is hotter than the real. They're all fucking actors. Of course, they're beautiful. And whatever. even if they're like a beautiful real-life family,

they are all, they are quite generously cast in terms of hotness. I know, that was very funny. Yeah, that they're like, it's not attractive, it doesn't, you can never get the kind of fucking pussy that my father got, you know what I mean? I'm sure Al Pacino's gotten up plenty.

I mean, remember the Dunkacchino in Jack and Jill. I mean, he knows pussy. God, I love it. I kind of low-key love Jack and Jill. All right, now we can get in. to it. Hit me with the share. We're ready. Do you believe it? Will Billy Eilish die in early death because of her eyes?

Uh-oh. What does it mean? I don't know. Yes, I do know. Okay, so this one actually comes in from Eric, who says, I saw a TikTok that's predicting the early death of Billy Elish because of her eyes. Why? There's a Japanese superstition related to the whites of your eyes showing in three places compared to just two on either side. And those with whites below your eye are believed to suffer an early fate.

Princess Diana, Marilyn Monroe, and JFK all had it. Are you looking at yours right now? Yeah, I'm looking at on the Zoom. Love you all. I know, I wanted to look at you guys' eyes. I think we're good. I think we're fine. I think we're fine.

Love you all. A fellow Swifty, Eric. Yeah, I think you're, yeah, you're just the whites on either side. So this is the theory. There is a Japanese superstition about the human body. It is called Sanpaku. And it can tell your fate based on your eyes. Sunpaku translates to three whites and refers to in this case to the whites in your eye.

Most folks have whites on either side of their iris. But some have a third white connecting the two whites either below or above the iris. Now here's the little other detail. If that third white is above the iris, the inside world is adjudged to you. And actually I was talking about this with Margus Parks. Charles Manson has the white above his eyes. It's got those big, crazy eyes, right? Oh, yeah.

Apparently when you can see the whites like around your eyes, just a weird physical thing is like a lot of sociopaths or whatever have that trait. I think he said sociopaths. It could be psychopaths. I think it says, but yeah, like, right, it's like a trait of people who have this kind of thing going on. But when it's below your eyes, then the dangers are coming from. from the outside world.

So the people with whites below their eyes, Marilyn Monroe, Princess Diana, JFK, and so does Billy Eilish. So they are worried that she will suffer some sort of untimely end because of that. Three whites. Are you looking at pictures right now? Yeah, yeah, right?

Yeah, she does have a lot of whites beneath her eyes. And Princess Die and all those, it's all true, they all have it below, which is interesting. Yeah. Which is hard to replicate. It's easier to replicate the above the eye thing by like opening your eyes really wide. Yeah, I just did it. I just did it.

Oh no. Yeah. Yeah. JFK had it too. Oh my God. I'm looking at these pictures. Got it. Whoa.

I don't think I have it. Although remember when we got really scared about that YouTube video that said when people were going to die and that person didn't die? Yeah. It's not. Come on. This isn't a YouTube video, Jackie. This is a TikTok about a Japanese superstar.

You're right. I'm scared of it. Yeah, you should be scared of it. Two whites. I'm scared too. So what do you all think? I'm just over here at Google and white's above eyes. I'm like three. I should start squinting more now.

What if I squint all the time? Does that count? I'll see less, which means maybe that's good for me mentally. It will count, Jackie. So what do you, y'all think? Do you think she's going to, she's going to go quick, quick? Or you think she'll live long, long? M.J.

I think I believe. I'm not trying to curse Billy Elish, but I think I believe. She does have a lot of why it's below her eyes. She does, Jackie. I wish no bad juju on her or her family. But in this case, the superstition arises inside of my brain. And I have to say that maybe yes.

All right, Sampaku. There it is. Get ready for it. I'm scared. I'm so afraid I haven't. You should be scared. You should be frightened. Someone would protect her.

Someone would send an extra protection. To the very core of you, Jackie, you should be terrified. I am. I am terrified. I'm also terrified because you did it. You felt the need to bring up the Gucci thing, but not the fact that a British woman wants to marry a 93-year-old chandelier. This is a click-made article that Jackie's. saw when we were doing our talking TV,

we were on one of those bad websites that gives you like the cast of 90 day fiancé or whatever it is, and there was a clickbait article where a woman named a chandelier Lumiere and wants to marry it. And now she thinks that it's normal news. And this is the problem, right? This is how things like QAnon exists, right?

Because the weird, dumb stories are in the mix with the good normal stories, so people get confused to think that this is headline news. Named him Lumier. He's 93 years old. He is a chandelier. And you know what? I say, God bless it.

That's what I say. I don't, it doesn't matter what you. She changed her name to Liberty because she's obsessed with the statute of liberty. I mean, come on, people. I will say this. People who fall in love with objects like this do fascinate me, though. I do feel for them in certain ways. At the same time, that chandelier ain't going nowhere.

That chandelier ain't going to go start banging the mailman. You know what I mean? Yeah, you could just be in a relationship with it. You don't need to get the state involved. Yeah. Yeah, you don't need to marry it. But also you should probably like wipe off all the jewels and stuff before you use it or you make sure that there's a celebrity. This is not.

I'm just going to see how hot the chandelier. It's a pretty attractive chandelier. It's a pretty attractive chandelier. As far as chandeliers go, I mean, I would probably fuck this shit out of that chandelier. See? It is, it is news that does exist. It's a good looking chandelier. All right.

Can we, this is a need, no one needs to know about any of that. But no, what they do need to know is that it's time for our shoutouts. We don't have, did we have, ever, are we going to say this every week? What's our shoutouts? Do we have a shout-out song? It's time for shout-outs. Shout about. Shout, shout, shout, shout.

Shout out of shout-outs that we're here about. Come on. It's happened to do. I didn't mean to. Come on. You emailed them in. Come on. Oh, wow, I like it.

It's time to begin. Shout out. Wow, Holden, that was perfect. I'm very good at that. Literally the whole reason why I'm here is because I'm good at making up songs of the fly. That's not the whole reason why. Sometimes you try to prevent me from talking about a British woman that wants to marry a 93-year-old chandelier. Yeah, try and fail.

You did fail. I want to date the chandelion. Wow, MJ killing it today. I mean, honestly, that was kind of lazy. I mean, come on. I don't think so. But what wasn't lazy was Kristen S. Writing in, because we were talking about But Summer,

this goes hand in hand with our conversation today. And you brought up that our celebration of butts, we said that this would be the year to embrace our butts, whether we like them or not. Hearing this hit hard because I've always been a girl who's hated her butt. I too follow Lizzo and many others on Instagram and envy their juicy bedonks, swallowing their thongs as they twerk.

I'm a cute, big, boob, chunky girl who's always tried to ignore the flat. Acne scarred dark hole of a tookus that followed me around wherever I went. I love this. You did a great job in writing this, which is why I'm reading all of this email. This ignorant bliss came crashing down a few months ago when I discovered a TikTok thread about how guys stare at your butthole when having sex from behind. Ah, as a fatty but a batty who has also enjoyed doggy, this caused me nights of 3 a.m. panic about my worst ass at.

I have thought about buying multiple products to make my dairy are more presentable. But hearing you speak on love on our butts really forced me to take a look at my insecurities and think about their complex roots. In the end, I want to state, I do promise to embrace my body and live out my butt summer as well. Thank you for always keeping it real with them, Jane Holden. I love you all and wish nothing but health and happiness. Thank you so much, Kristen, as I loved this. I was like, yeah, embrace the butt.

Who cares? Everyone has a butt. You got something. And honestly, whoever was banging you was psyched to be banging you. So love that ass. Also remember that. They love it no matter what, for the most part. And I also have got some birthday shoutouts.

I got some birthday shoutouts to DEMIG! Because I was drunk during the April Reels Day. episode, but I did say that we were going to give you a 30th birthday shout out because your birthday's on April 22nd and you're absolutely the best and your drunk message begin with, hey fuckers, I'm drunk with you on stream on this always on Friday. I love every last one of you. Jackie, you're defining character my life. MJ, thank you for sharing your journey. I'm right smack dab

in the middle of getting my master's in education and library science. I hope to see more people getting into education related fields who have your background and knowledge so the next generation can do better than we did. Holden, I guess I think you're real funny. Happy birthday to me. Thank you. Happy birthday. And we've got another birthday shout out because Rachel wrote in about her sister's golden birthday is coming up.

She's turning 27 on April 27th, and she would love to get a happy birthday from Jackie M.J. And Holden, she's an amazing older sister to me. about to graduate from law school. I'm so proud of her, and she's also obsessed with Jackie's reading of Twilight. I hope that maybe she's in love with the werewolf, but now we all know that that brings complex feelings, but we don't need to talk about Twilight right now. I'll continue on. Oh, a very special shout-out goes out to Doug the Corgi.

She was hoping for a quick shout-out and some good vibes to send my best friend's way. His name is Doug and he's a seven-year-old Corgi. He's been my life for four amazing years, but sadly in December, we got the worst news ever. Doug's got a really aggressive blood cancer and his prognosis was weeks to months left. I was devastated, but a couple weeks ago, we got some good news. The new form of treatment we started is doing wonders on making him comfortable and keeping him around a bit longer. I really believe that love is keeping him going. If you guys could send him some love, never a whatever jail, maybe a hold in a year's ho! And some good vibes. I'm Holding out hope that we get to have a hot dog summer.

Oh my dad. I'm so sorry to hear that. I might love to you and your baby. Happy birthday, Doug. Happy birthday, beautiful Doug. And I did want to give a one last shout out to beautiful Maddie, whose birthday is also this week, who has been going through a hell of a lot and has said that page seven

helped me cope, laugh, and keep me productive day in and day out for years. The podcast has been on car rides with me as I drove to the funerals that she has had to deal with as well as every adventure, plane ride hike, and road trip I've ever taken since. And what she wanted to say to you, MJ, is that I went to the same school as Lily Reinhardt growing up. And I don't have any hot goss. Because MJ mentioned if they had gone to high school together and thought that maybe Lily would be one of those two cool girls. And all I can say is that anyone who knew her well always mentioned how kind she was. I've never heard a bad word about.

her. So maybe you guys would have gone to high school parties together after all. Wow. And it seems like it's taking her many years to get where she is now. I'm excited to see the hard work pay off. I'll always be a little surreal to see her name on those opening credits and watch her play Dark Betty, which I imagine. Hey, Doc Betty. Oh, wow. That's actually so great. Lily Reinhardt, another person, because Gideon likes her the most. And at first I was like, I don't see it. And then just gradually, she just found her way into my heart. She just snuck in. She's amazing. She's a really great actress too.

And really great actress, very talented. Yeah. Nice. I know. And I follow her on Instagram too. So now, knowing that she's that nice, now makes everything that I see of her. I'm like, govah. Yeah, it's a good for me.

You get you, girl. And I hope Cole Spouse didn't break your fucking heart into a million pieces. I bet he fucking did. I still love Jughead, but we have a complicated relationship. And you'll see. If you listen to Riverdale Roundup, No, we don't need to talk about it here because Holden will watch Riverdale. Yeah, whatever.

Don't whatever Riverdale. You never whatever Riverdale. And that's out for our, that's it for our shout. Shout, shout, shout, them all out. These are the shoutouts that you emailed about. Come on. You can email us to page 7podcast.com. With the 7 spelled out.

Come on. Wow, come on. Killed it, killed it, Killed it, Holden. And now it's time that hopefully we'll kill it by doing the list. Oh, who's on the list? Jackie, got to do that list. We are doing the 15 bonkers books written by famous people who weren't writers. Of course, we know Model Land by Tyra Banks is on the list.

And if you are interested in anything about model land, go listen to me, read Moddland to you over on the page 7 Patreon. It's even weirder than I thought it was going to be. But some other people gave writing a try, like Paul Verhoeven, who wrote a scholarly work about Jesus of Nazareth. I will read that because I will watch every Paul Verhoeven movie, so I'll read every text. so I'll read every text. I had no idea. It's about the historical Jesus, a revolutionary, not the son of God.

Quote, for Jesus, the kingdom of heaven was a very tangible thing, something that was already present on Earth. In the same way that Che Guevara proclaimed Marxism as the advent of world change. I'm weirdly very interested in that. I'm extremely interested. Yes, please, Paul Verhoeven.

So part of the reason why I chose this as well, there's so many things I had no idea about. Like Anthony Bourdain publishing a graphic novel about a sushi, sushi chef, who's also a murderer. That looks cool. Get Giro.

Yeah. It starts with in a not too distant future L.A. where master chefs rule the town like crime lords, and people literally kill for a seat at the best restaurants, a bloody culinary war is raging. Fucking great.

I wonder if it's based on the Giro of Giro Dreams of Sushi. Yeah. Oh, it probably is, right? Because they were also friends on top of it, right? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, yeah. That sounds awesome. I can't wait to do an Anthony Bourdain episode of Bob History.

I feel like no one would really care as much as I care about it. Oh, no, people love Bordane. Yeah, yeah. Anthony Bourdain. This surprised me that Dick, I don't, I'm throwing out there. I don't know too much about Dick Cheney's wife. But that Dick Cheney's wife, Lynn, published a lesbian romance novel. I love stuff like this, yeah.

And Cheney persuaded the publisher not to reissue it in the 2004 re-election year, which would have been a very funny thing to happen. That is very interesting, especially knowing Dick Cheney's politics. But now I want to read it. It was so, apparently it was also very controversial. And this is the novel of a strong and beautiful woman who, broke all the rules of the American frontier. Sorry, it's written very small font on the front of the book. And now I want to read it. It's called Sisters by Lynn Cheney. Now you know,

you know you want to read it too. The weirdest thing about this is that Dick Cheney's, one of Dick Cheney's daughters is a lesbian. And so it's a little bit interesting for a mother to write lesbian romance novel. Like, was she like, oh, my daughter's a lesbian. I want to get into the lesbian romance novel genre. I would hope so. but it seems it was written 25 years ago. So I think maybe it was before all of that, but it does at least give me hope for the family. And hopefully that, again, I don't know a whole lot about Dick Cheney or his family.

So I am just presuming how he would feel about having a lesbian daughter, unfortunately. But govah, now I want to read it. And I also want to read LeVar Burton's sci-fi novel called Aftermath, That's about civil war in the U.S. In the book, Civil War breaks out after an earthquake and the assassination of the first African-American U.S. president. Somehow, the plot features an evil scientist kidnapping non-white Americans to harvest their organs.

Ah, interesting. Yeah, that rules. I'm totally into that. Yeah, yeah. Also, did you see that LeVar Burton is vying to take over Jeopardy? Yeah, a lot of people are really fighting friends. He retweets every guy. single tweet saying Lovar Burton should be

a host of Jeopardy. He just retweets all of them with like the eyes emoji. It's great. I mean, remember, that was exactly what Dan Levy was doing about wanting to be one of the hosts of the great British baking shows. So when they created the Canadian version, he got the job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So sometimes that shit works, man. Do whatever you can.

Lest anybody will be looking for editorial inconsistencies, it's very different than what's her name, Debra Messing. Lindsay Lohan trying to get the little mermaid, yes. Yes, Lindsay Lohan or Deborah Messing trying to get, I love Lucy. It's different to just be like, I have no qualifications and I want this. It's just an objective fact that La Barberton should be the host of Jeopardy. So it's totally within his right to advocate for himself.

Totally. Yes. And also I feel it's different than saying like, that person shouldn't be it. It should be me. Like rather than like the mud slinging of it where it's like, no, that's just bad, that's bad jujou. Don't do that. That's weird. But, like, he's just, they haven't chosen yet.

So he's just pushing for it, and you got to shoot your shot just like Lizzo taught us. It just seems, you're right, though, MJ. It just seems obvious. Like, why is this even a debate? Yeah. So funny. I don't know, but it is, I think a lot of people are, want the job. I mean, talk about, we were talking about this last week.

Talk about job security, man. Oh, yeah. Fucking strap in. You don't have to worry again. You just do what. Alex Trebek did, which is very difficult to make look as easy as he did it. Now we're seeing, I don't know if you've watched any of the celebrity guest hosts that have been taking turns, but it's definitely not an easy job to make look easy.

I think it should be Tyra Banks. Don't you dare. Don't you ever say that to us. The least curious person in the world, make her the host of Jeopardy. Or sometimes instead of making them a host of Jeopardy, they can write a. an autobiographical novel of themselves like Jim Carrey did. Now, they say he kind of wrote the autobiographical novel because memoirs and misinformation is about a movie star named Jim Carrey, but the plot has him fighting aliens with Gwyneth Paltrow.

And they said it's hard to imagine Gwyneth Paltrow doing that. I wonder if Gwyneth Paltrow knew about the book and or if she read it. I doubt she read it. Yeah. Whoa. I bet she heard about it at a dinner party once. Yeah. All right.

Okay. I like what you're throwing down. I think she heard it. Oh, okay. And then she just never mentioned it or thought about it again. And you know who no one ever thought about was Sherlock Holmes's brother. But who did Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, who co-wrote a novel about Sherlock Holmes's brother. Mikecroft. It's a murder mystery set in the days of Microft's youth that kind of functions as an

origin story. I am intrigued. How do you not be? Interesting. And he regrets how he treated Pam Greer, so maybe I will read it. Yes, I'm glad that he fucking regrets. If you listen to our Pam Greer Pop History episode, he wasn't very good to her. But last but not least, and I did not know this, that Keanu Reeves wrote, Berserker? I want to check this out. You know about this? Not really, a comic book about an immortal

80,000-year-old warrior, and it looks dope. He's clearly the main character in this comic book. I wonder if this was even maybe like, we'll write this and then make a movie out of it someday, but it's definitely Keanu Reeves just... You could be souping me, y'all.

Oh, right. Okay, it's not a chandelier, Jackie, so let's take it easy. I got to dry up over here. Somebody gets a fun. The main character of the berserker does the U.S. government's dirty work so he can find out the truth about who he is. He says, I had this image in my head of a guy fighting through the ages because of his father's compulsion to violence, which is, I mean, obviously you can see the parts of that in John Wick, but I would love to watch this, and I want to read it as well. So that's called berserker, but with none of the vals inside of it.

B, R, Z, R K, R. No, Vals. And that's it for my list this week. Oh, my God, and it's not it for me not going blind. Too many negatives there. I think I'm going. Whoa, we can't see them. Oh, shit, it's time to get lit.

I'm blind. I don't. It turns out three weeks is how long it takes for this A-list celebrity to get so thirsty for attention, she has to return to social media. I'm sure the first thing she will do is issue long overdue apologies. Oh, wait, the world owes her an apology for her quitting social media. Got it. Chrissy Teigen. Yeah, this is definitely one that I knew y'all would immediately know the answer to, but I wanted to make sure we talked about it just in case it didn't make it the main episode.

Oh, I'm sorry, did you hear my eyes rolling from there? It's so funny. It's so high school. Like this shit is so fucking high school feeling. So yes, after just 23 days, Tegan made her glorious return. So I thought we were going to end up talking about when she left Twitter. I should have known she was going to come back not even three weeks or just three weeks after she left. She makes her glorious return to Twitter after her glorious exit, not even a month before.

And the exit tweet, she said, it, quote, no longer serves me as positively as it serves me negatively. Twitter made you. Twitter made you. Okay, first of all, before she even came back, I was going to scream that. It no longer serves me as positively as it serves me negatively. And I think that's the right time to call something. And the return tweet, she said, turns out feels in all caps terrible to silence yourself. And also no longer enjoy belly chuckles randomly throughout the day and also lose like 2,000 friends at once. Loll, I choose to take the bad with the good. Also, how have you been? What's going on? Do you have any fun anecdotes? I've missed you dearly. I've spent weeks just saying tweets to shampoo bottles.

Oh, you're just like, ah! No, you haven't spent weeks sending tweets to shampoo bottles. You've been spending weeks posting pictures of yourself on a yacht to Instagram. Every picture of her, she's on a yacht. Every picture. And I know because I was like, oh, fun, we have kids who are the same age. I'll follow you. Every picture you're on a yacht.

So, like, I can't follow you. How am I supposed to deal with this? You're on a yacht. You know, so you're... Yes, it does. suck to get y'all that on Twitter. It totally sucks. Twitter can suck. Twitter can be mean, but you're on a yacht. So like, it's okay. You're on a yacht. It's all just, the whole leaving and coming back literally, like, you couldn't even hang out for fucking a month. Like,

you couldn't even take a month off. You need it that badly. But also quitting in the first place was so funny to me just because, again, I just feel like Twitter is the whole reason why you had a show on Quibi. You know what I mean? She is funny. Like, she had her, She really, like, used it well. It's like, she got me, she's funny. But then to be like, you can't be on a yacht without Twitter. If I'm on a yacht, I'm putting Twitter away. Enjoy the yacht.

You were just on the yacht, so you didn't need to do it. You were just on the yacht. But it's just so funny to like, not, A, not even be able to contain yourself for that long. You could even take a month off from this stupid fucking platform to leave in the first place when, like, it gave, besides being married to John Legend, fucking Twitter gave you everything you have in terms of your like entertainment career. All of it came from being on the platform. So to be like, never mind, buy.

Like, it's just so obnoxious to me. And then to return that quickly and try to be all internet cute. Like this whole tweet is exactly what I hate about the internet. You know, how you been? What's going on? Any fun anecdotes? I miss you dearly. I spent weeks just saying tweets to shampoo bottles.

Like that kind of internet cute is what I hate about the way people post online. It's so obnoxiously trying to be cute. It makes me crazy. So anyways. And Jackie, you've been very silent. That's interesting. I just have so many feelings. I have so many feelings about it.

And I feel like it's one of those things where in watching Chrissy Teigen where it's like, we've been doing this show for, I don't know what, 10 years, 11 years, who knows at this point, that we've watched her change over time, obviously, all forced in front of our eyes. and I really respected her a lot for her hustle and I still do. She's got the fucking hustle. Like she works at it constantly and that doesn't mean that I don't respect that.

But everything else about her really, and this is personally, I'm so annoyed. I get so annoyed she reminds me of the people like, I'm so open and honest and I'll be there for you no matter what and then we'll just stab you in the fucking back as fat. Like she reminds me of a bunch of people in high school. I'm like, I don't fucking trust you.

Yeah. Even if she's not that, I don't believe anything you say. Yeah. I'm sure she's a great mom. I'm sure she's a great wife. I hope the best for her. There's just something about her that I really am just like, you're just, I don't see you as being, like, you're being like, I'm so real.

Yeah. It's so not real that it drives you crazy. You know, it's not like that. I am this person. The person you hear is, this is me. You hear me fully. You see all different sides of me and all of the different things we do. And I try to be real because that's what I want from other people.

And I am secretly a proud boy. So all those listeners who thought that that was true, your fears have fully been confirmed right here. You should definitely go to Facebook and hit that page. But I'm a proud boy with like a small P and a small B. You're just like a point of a shitty penis. I did tell him of the shitty penis. That's why I'm a proud boy.

I got a shitty penis. You're just small B proud of your shitty penis, boy. Small B. April Reels got really, really crazy this year. It got real. All right, here's the next one. This B-list actress with A-list name recognition isn't allowed to get married or it voids her massive payout. The thing is, though, she might have just secretly done just that.

Now this person... Katie. Oh, wow, I was going to say this person also secretly has an entrance to Whole Foods. Yes, Katie Homes. Oh, great, MJ. Damn, did you see that Siri Cruz is 15 years old? Wow. Oh, my God.

We old. We old. All right, that's all. I don't have like a follow-up link or anything on that, so I'll just move on to the last one. But yeah, do you think that's true, though? Do you think she's not allowed to get married? Yes. And do you think she's secret married?

Yes. Awesome. All right, cool. I like it. Conspiracy. All right, this A-list, mostly movie actors slash general all-around asshole. It means asshole. It means asshole.

It went ballistic that he was photographed in the wild without his spanks on. And the only reason why this is funny is because he's super legitimately known to be an asshole. He was... Alex Baldwin. No, same vein, though. Same kind of white guy. He was... Trump?

He was the worst part of. of this musical that came out not too too long ago. No, but good guess. No, no, no. Or older musical than that. He's bad. He's accents bad.

Sang bad in the musical. Now I'm falling apart. His last name's a name of a bird. Oh, is it Russell Crow? Yeah. I would have gotten it without that last hit. I just didn't speak fast enough. I didn't need that hit.

Yeah, yeah. He just wrote the record to show that I didn't need that in. And here we go. It says, look up the pictures if you can. Russell Crow. I also don't like. It's like a lot of people wear Spanx.

Like, I do appreciate the fact that it's like, even Beyonce, it's like, it helps, like, with how your clothes of all. It helps with lots of things. Like, it really does, like, in fashion, Spanx is not as much of like a bad word. I will say that. And I appreciate that. Yeah, for sure. I was just more of the funny thing is like he just looks pretty rough in these pictures. Russell Crow, 56, shows off his scruffy beard as he works up a sweat on a Sydney tennis court.

with girlfriend Brittany Thoreau. 30. Jesus. So anyways. Yeah, he looks, he's looking, he's got kind of a Santa Claus playing tennis five. He's got a full on Santa Claus playing tennis vibe. And again, I probably wouldn't even consider this one,

but he is such a notorious fucking asshole that it's funny to watch him. And you're right, he did ruin linens. How? Lumber around, I know, right? He looks rough, but whatever. I mean, she is, not that, you know, I ever want to tell anyone of how they should keep

their facial hair or anything. There are ways to not look like that. Even being overweight, especially when you're dating someone's so young. It's like, there's just such an apparent thing. Nothing. You know what?

Who am I fucking judging? And they want to fuck. If she wants to fuck that, I guess have that. But he's supposed to be so mean. Yeah, yeah. Everything we hear is he's just so mean. So I just feel more okay being like, you look like shit, these pictures rustles.

Anyways, that's it. Trim your beard, dick. I can see again. Thank you so much. Trim your beard, dick. You're welcome for the blind items this week. Trim that beard, ladies and gentlemen. It's time to get out there.

We're getting vaccinated. It's time to get back out to the barber. But until then, thank you so much for me. Tiny Me says thank you for blind items. Thank you, Tiny Holden. You're welcome.

I'm sorry. I'm also just looking at his, it just reminded me of the legs conversation we were having earlier, Because you know what, still, from the waist down, he looks fabulous. Yeah. I will say that. Yeah.

That's the thing. Show off the legs. No matter what they look like. Yeah, let's see him. I want to see him. I can't see them. I can't see them. Yeah, you can see.

Welcome back Holden's eyesight. And thank you guys so much for joining us this week on page seven. I feel good. I feel strong. and now we don't have to worry about April Reels Day for another year. Next year, I'll fly out there and do it with you guys in person. Please, we would love to have you.

Yeah, I think we're going to try to expand next year. We got us scared of this year, so we didn't expand it. I will also say, too, though, MJ, I was nervous when you were thinking about joining us because I was like, I honestly don't know what I would say to you. Yeah. You are constantly inspiring me by everything that you deal with and everything that you do,

I just like, I don't even know what I would say to you. I've got nothing. I got a year to make, to just get under your skin enough so that you'll have something to say. Please. Please, burrow in there like the spider that has been sitting next to me. It's still there? The cup is accounted for?

I mean, the cup is there, but it can't see inside the cup. So I'm going to assume that it is still inside of the cup and will be brought outside in a couple of hours when Jeff gets home from work. Fantastic. All right. Oh, God. but what if it can't breathe? All right, I'll put a hole in the car.

I gotta figure it out. Marry a chandelier about it. All right. Check me out. If only your husband was a chandelier, he would already be home from work. Who'd be home and you can deal with it? Flying into the plugs right now, ignoring everything being said. Check us out.

Twitch.tv. Hald Nader's ho. Every Friday I do a stream with Jackie. Normally, actually, this week we did April Reels, so we're taking Jack and he's off. But also page. the number seven Patreon or page seven podcast at you about com and patreon.com forward slash page seven podcast. Oh, I think that's it.

Thank you. You did good. MJ, what do you got to say? What do you got to say? I'm MJ. I do want to marry a chandelier. Yes, you do. I'm MJKL Kat on Instagram.

Hell yeah. And my name is Jackie Zabrowski. You can follow me on Instagram at Jack that weren't. come check out our Twilight Extraordinaire over on the Patreon. We're going to be coming to a close to Eclipse soon. And we will see how I feel. We're going to have another movie night. I'm very excited about it.

And everything is lots of fun and I am smiling about it. Oh, yeah. Love you guys. I'll talk to you next week. Bye, everybody. Bye. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors, you can support our shows by supporting them.

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