Page 7 - Ep. 410: Cocaine and Rejection

Episode Date: July 8, 2021

This week we goss ‘bout what song we’d play at our funeral (Jackie has BIG PLANS for hers!), Jackie gets a PERSONAL EMAIL about the RETURN OF THE OFFICIAL HOT DOG AMBASSADORSHIP!, MJ shares how they could fall into a cult, we discuss the gut pains of Blue Balls, Holden stealing the spotlight with a labor pain simulator and a very special list (but not THE LIST) from the website Ashley Madison! And in Celebrity Conspiracy Corner; Are Hugh Grant and Elizabeth Hurley the prototype British acting robots?!Want even more Page 7? Support us on Patreon! Patreon.com/Page7PodcastKevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0 Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Kismet or not, Holden. I know you love the word kismet. Have I complained about that word? I've complained about so many things on this podcast. I don't even know what I like or dislike it more. Have you not complained about Kismet before? Because I feel like you hate Kismet. I don't like the word dongle.

I've talked about that. Well, I hate to shove my dongle at you. Both. However, I got a shout out for later on, but spoiler alert, I'm going to start with the song for Marade, whose birthday is coming up soon because your twins says happy birthday but also they say

well I guess it would be nice it's kind of creepy because it's her sister if I could touch your body I know not everybody just got a body like you but I think twice well aren't they twins they do have a body like they are twins they're twins they do have a body like you

this song is so a counter to the situation But I need some time off from that emotion Time to pick my heart back off the floor Ooh, oh, baby, when that love comes down without devotion Well, it takes a strong man, baby, but I'm showing you the door. Yeah. You got to have faith.

You got to have faith. You got to have faith. That is for Mairead, because they both decided that they are going to, they have a gentleman's agreement that who who ever dies first will have it played at their funeral. And I think that it's great, and I immediately fell in love with that. And I was like, what do I want played at my funeral? And this is how we're starting the episode today.

Number one, happy 30th birthday to both Ma Rade and Chloe, but also number two, not Dukies. What song do I need to play at both of your guys' funerals? I already know the answer to this. Hit me. A Wildest Dreams, Taylor Swift. Wow. Wildest dreams.

I have proclaimed this multiple times, actually. I don't know if I just probably haven't done it on page seven. But yes, wildest dreams. Say you'll remember me. Standing in a nice dress, sitting in the sunset, babe. Red lips and rosy cheeks. Wow. Even if it's...

I don't know if I've ever thought of you like that before. Wild streams are... Uh-huh. Wild streams. I got to write this down. I feel like I have to write this down so that I know for the future. MJ, you got one? Man, now all I can think of because of that fucking emotional gum cover.

I want Celine Dion's, it's all coming back to me. But that's just because I cried at a gum commercial that Jackie texted us. All right, we have to explain this gum commercial that came in from Jackie. It is the first thing I saw this morning in bed, slightly hungover, is this fucking gum commercial about people learning to step outside and love again. I was already crying because of a children's book, and then I watched this, and I was just like, I want to give thanks to Maureen. Maureen who sent in this extra gum commercial that's like more of like a fill.

and it's essentially taking the sentiment of the streets will run white with cum, but slap some gum in there. It's our commercial. It's our commercial with Celine Dion playing. Yeah. With, that's the thing. I, and I don't know if I've explained to you, Jackie, the extent to which your yacht rock and smooth grooves playlist

got me through the very hard times that were last summer, extremely hard. And I love you, MJ. I love you too. And I got such a emotional relationship with St. Elmo's Fire. And it's all coming back to me. It's all coming back to me is not even a funeral song, but it's very emotional. And it's going to be a power ballad is the point.

I don't know if it's going to be something you sing along at the bar is going to be what's played at the funeral. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah. But I don't know what. I think I did you see. My problem is I've only seen, I'm just a preface this with, I love it's always sunny in Philadelphia. I've only seen a couple of episodes, and that's because Old Me sees it, and I get filled with such rage because I not only want to be in it, but I want to write for it, and I want to be them, and I want to date all of them. There's one episode that I think it's when Charlie fakes his own death, and they play Wanted Dead or Alive by Bon Jovi, and it was the funniest thing I've ever seen.

I laughed so hard, and I think it would be really great. I'm a cowboy. I'm a steel horse ride. I'm wanted, wanted. And I wish that what I want, I want my body to pop up and for me, my mouth to open and go, la la la, la. And then just clip it.

Dead or alive. Take that clip. And then bam. Save it. Yes, save it. Archive it. Hold on. I'm going to put you in charge of that when Jackie dies.

You're the one who's going to have to go back and find it. Yeah, you got to clip it. Dead or alive. Yeah, you guys can sing it too. I want everyone to sing it. Yeah, then we should each sing it. out of your mouth. Yes.

And then at the end I'll go, well, I guess she was won at death. And then everyone go, boo, fuck you guys. Then I'll be like, fuck all y'all. I'm the king of these funerals.

I'm the king of these funerals. Y'all ain't shit. You know what I mean? This is going to be the funeral to remember. And I'm definitely going to do the same relay race that I was forced to partake in at the baby shower where they're going to make people spin around a bat and then smoke a joint while putting together a letter puzzle.

MJ, did we ever tell you about the relay race we forced the daddies to do with the baby show? No, it sounds like some terrible, terrible things. I do not like that game where you have to spin around the bat. I won't play it. Yeah, and then I had to run around cones after that, singing Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star. Then I had to pick up a Nerf gun and shoot like a little target toy

off of a little dot thing. That was after you had to put on the oven mitts and put the dippy on the baby doll. That was the most BS. That made the whole thing illigent. It was so ridiculous. We're great. It was like if anybody had actually tried

to put on these lobster claws and actually put this on at a slow pace, not in a race, they would have realized, oh, this is too much. There's no way you're going to be able to put on these giant plastic. We knew you were going to get off.

All right. And then I had to put, yes, and then you had to smoke a joint while putting an upside down letter puzzle together. You're welcome. And then like blocks and slots puzzle.

and then put on a vest filled with water balloons and run through a gauntlet of people hitting you with those tubes for the pool. The pool noodles. Oh, that's fun. Pool noodles. And then set off, like, hit this rocket thing that shoots up in the air.

It was great. That sounds great. And also, while this was happening, the audience was given more water balloons to throw at them while they were. Yes. It was brutal. And because I don't know how to throw a baby shower.

And we were put in charge of this triple baby shower. or just like, well, I don't want any poopie in the Dipey games. You guys killed it. Yeah. I was going to say, I can't believe you'd miss the opportunity to do poopie in the Dipee games, given how much you love poop jokes.

I thank you for that. And also, you know what? Another big tip I want to throw out to people, skip the opening presents in front of everybody part. Yeah. We had such a great time opening the presents in our air-conditioned apartment, like, nice music playing. Because then you don't have to do the thing.

And I think, have I talked about this on the show? We don't have to do the thing. I think I've complained about how my family opens gifts on Christmas. You don't have to do the thing where you go, oh. I've been needing this. Yeah, sometimes you meet it. Sometimes you're like, oh, this is fucking awesome. But then half the time you're like, wow, a bottle for the baby.

Oh, it's like, for some reason we have to do that thing with our voice. Yeah. It's so annoying. A lot of baby showers, they make like a throne for the pregnant person to. sit in and everyone has to like kind of worship around them. The daddy's had thrones or all the parents? No, the mommy's had throne. Okay.

But like it wasn't like a, we didn't do what you're just, keep going, MJ, we didn't do what you're describing. Yeah, well, obviously the pregnant people need a place to sit. So that's, the throne in that sense is good. But I, even as a pregnant person, I wanted to sit all the time, but the idea of just sitting in a chair and having everyone stare at me is like, despite being, obviously, I'm a attention-seeking person. but that particular

having to sit and not be able to move my body and just having everyone look at me expectantly like, do you like it? Do you like it? It's like, please don't make me do that. Not fun at all. Yeah. It was already weird enough with the wedding

but I accepted it, you know, the whole part where you're just sort of like weirdly on display. At least you guys are in it together. Yeah. In a wedding like you have like that's, I feel like that's part of the partnership of like we can get through this together. Yeah, exactly.

And then we can get through anything. Yeah. Or we, you know, it's an opportunity for you guys, and I kind of saw this with, like, Henry and Natalie's wedding. It's like an opportunity for you to just, like, be the master of the house and be elegant. And, like, be the thing, you know? I did. I wish I had been fast enough to do the next line.

Are we quoting laymads ever here as if it's happening? Maybe. Are we ever not? No, I... It's cool. And I think that vibe is cool to be like, I receive... all of your looks, graciously, and I am, you know, beyond it. And I'm not nervous right now. I'm handling this marvelously. I think that's a cool, you know, vibe if you can pull it off.

Well, because on your wedding day, you're like, you've chosen what you wear. You feel really good. You've probably spent at least a couple of weeks leading up to it being like, I'm going to get a haircut I like. Maybe I've been exercising. You feel like, you're like, this is the coolest I'll ever look. The coolest I've ever looked was on my wedding day. When you're pregnant, you just feel like shit every second of every day forever. And so you're like, stop looking at me. Stop look. I'm a shell of what I once was.

Yeah, exactly, exactly. And everyone feels like they can comment on it. Everyone's like, oh, look at your legs. And they all want to touch it. Oh, they all want to touch it. They want to make predictions. Your hands got bigger even. It's amazing.

Stop looking at me. Got out some hot dogs over there Well you know where I didn't have any hot dogs either Jackie Mother fucking 4th of July Did I have a burger either Pizza showed up and I thanked them And I love the party I went to

I want to preface all my complaining with I had a great time at this party Just in case someone hears me Complaining right now about not having But I will say I was a little sad I even took myself to five guys After I got back to burger myself Good for you

Because I was like I need a burger It's fourth And I feel like I shouldn't even say this because it is hot dog season, but I need to let you guys know that Eric Mittenthal, yes, the head of NAMI, the North American Meat Institute,

sent me an email because guess what is back? The official hot dog ambassadorship. He sent you an email? He sent me an email personally asking me to submit. What?

So, yeah. So now. reached out to you personally? You reached out to me. Well, maybe it was a big email, but he did include me in the email to apply this year. Awesome. And it is due next week. So this is a call to put out because I have to write a one-page essay, but also I can include any pictures or content that I want. So if you have ever made something of me for me when it comes to hot dogs, please tag me in it again. and I will give you big ups in my submission packet because I got to show that I need this.

I have to get another. I love a hot dog's wristband. Or else what am I going to do with my life? Man. That's literally what I win. And you get, you know, definitely that I think get a picture of your tattoo, but you know what I'm going to say? Two words right now to you.

It's going to fucking blow your mind. Too small. I'm thinking big back piece we need to get you for this. Ben Affleck style. Yeah. Like a hot dog rising. from the ashes. Yes.

Or, oh my god, like a flax. Yeah. A hot dog coming out of your butt hole. Yes. And it's like,

I love it. I love it in the rear or something like that. Yes. I am a byproduct that rises from the ashes and that's what it will say across the top of my shoulders.

But the bottom should say I like it in the rear. Of course. No, that will be across my ass. But I kind of also would love to have me riding said

hot dog from the ashes into its full glory. And the dog, hot dogs just like, it has arms and it can be like clawing its way out of your butthole. Yeah, oh yeah. Once you get in there, man, you need help. I've got to strap its way out. I watch alone. I know how people get up trees with straps.

And so I'm very, very excited. And so I've got to get my essay written. And I'm nervous because I feel like NAMI's not going to get me. Yeah. But maybe they will. You know, I admire you for trying again. You know, you got to try. Do you guys want to hear my platform?

Do you want to hear my platform? Yes, I'd like to hear your platform. I want mayo to finally be considered a condiment that is a normal condiment on both a burger and a hot dog or a sausage. Hey, I think you should thank old Dave Thomas over there, Wendy's, for making the mayo burger standard at this point. I'll never thank you. I think the burger is less the fight, but definitely hot dogs. Hot dogs definitely, I think you can make this platform about, yeah, for sure. You need a sliding.

I don't know how I feel, though, about it. I need a lubricant. If I'm going to get it in there, you know how, like, on the 4th of July, when you don't, like the people all eat in the hot dogs, they put the bun in the water so they can mash it down their throat holes. But I just need to slick a loop. Right back in. Slick. Yeah, man, slick it down.

MJ, the look on your feet is I'm going to say, I'm not going to say it's disgusted. I think that it's perfect. And I appreciate your support. It's like the Oprah meme, like, are you disgusted? or is it disgusting? Whoa. I just, I do like,

I have, my children eat hot dogs and I keep seeing these things from like kid food, how to feed your kids food, things, blogs on Instagram

that are like, it's okay if you feed your children chicken nuggets and hot dogs sometimes that doesn't make you a bad parent. And I'm like, I literally consider it a win. Like I consider myself

an especially good parent. If they eat a hot dog, hot dog or a chicken nugget because they don't eat anything. Mimesake. So I think that hot doging is great parenting and the fact that everyone's like, it's okay if you do it. I'm like, yeah, of course it's okay. It's great.

Gotta get food in them. It's great. I also love that you posted about this like animal shaped food thing and how you now understand why people join Colts because you love these ladies on these mothers on Instagram is why you understand Scientology now. Yes. If a mother is explained, I gotta hear this. There's a mom food blogger who's like,

here's how to help your children eat food on Instagram that I follow and love. And I think that she's normal. Like, there might be some, some, you know. Oh, she's said the N word like four times. Yeah, I'm sure she said it like four times. Unrelately, a different mom that I follow and admire. It took me until this weekend to realize she's extremely Mormon.

I don't know why it took me so long. She has so many kids. She's from a family with so many kids. And then this weekend she was like, we always celebrate for the July in Park City, Utah, one of my two favorite cities in Utah. And then it just like slowly dawned on me. I was like, oh, they're Mormon.

Stephanie Meyer called. All right. The food blogger thing is that, you know, there's like all these food bloggers that are like, use little cookie cutters to cut your kids bell peppers into the shape of a star. And I've always been like, I'm not going to do that.

Fuck those guys. And like, by these little food picks. It's like a little, it looks like a fucking hairpin, but it has a little elephant on it, and it's like a fork. And your kids might eat more with it. And I was like, I'm not going to do that. And then I did it.

And my kids just used it to eat everything. Like, in a way they've never, ever have before. And one of my kids eats, one of them doesn't. And so the one who doesn't eat, eat everything. And now I was like, I'll do whatever you tell me. I will literally worship at your cult. I'm a part of your cult now. If you are a person on Instagram who makes parenting look very easy, I am your cult member,

and I will do anything. I'll follow you to hell. I'll do absolutely whatever you tell me. I get it. Why do you think we love Barefoot Contessa? Do you think I'm ever going to live in the Hamptons and provide classy dinners for people? No. It is that.

But it's fun to watch. Yeah, I'm already planning the Pioneer salad I'm going to make on my vacation next week. Oh my God. God, get the hell out of here, MJ. Go enjoy a vacation. You deserve it. Go have a minute. Don't worry, we're still.

We're still going to be working. But you get to work on your vacation. And that is the most fun part about what we do. I, and it's a, you know, the face I was making me for, it's a, I'm not anti-Mayo, but I don't want it to lubricate the food as it goes down my throat. That's too much mayo. I understand. Look, I think, I think the difference is you're not sloping it on, like,

you might like mustard. I think we're talking about a nice little dabble dia on each side of the bun. Exactly. You just got to get a swipe in there. Really? And especially as we were just talking, I just signed the petition that Heinz started

of starting to put the equal number of hot dogs and buns in packages. Yeah. We started a petition. And it's funny because this I will owe, like Father of the Bride is one of my family's favorite movies. It is another one of those. We've all seen 100,000 times. I love Father of the Bride so much.

where he's, when he's finally, Steve Martin has a mental breakdown. Yeah. And he's screaming about how there's too many buns in the packages. So he starts taking the extra buns out. He's like, why would I pay for these? When there's not enough hot dogs, I don't need these buns. And he's just having like a mental breakdown. I think about it a lot.

I need to watch that. Because you wait, what you do with the extra buns? Sometimes, oh, it holds up. You just have to buy more hot dogs. Yes. But then you have two more hot dogs. Yes. But then what are we doing?

What, now it's some weird Rube Goldman machine. whatever the name of the machine is. We're like, we're just on autopilot, just constantly in this cyclical. It's not a Rue Goldberg machine, actually. That's like mousetrap, right? I'm talking about something else. By the way, I hate those videos.

Can we get those off Reddit, those things where it's like, look at this one, and they try to do like a mousetrap style thing, like the board game mousetrap, but it never ends. And I'm just sitting there watching this ball, like slowly move through this dumb fuck obstacle course. And I'm like, when will it end?

Oh, I like them. I just need the video to end. But it always goes too long. It's always like, but look how long it goes. Like, no, dude, I need the completion feeling of it finishing, but this is like a five minute long fucking video of a ball moving through his face. You're getting blue balls for mousetraps? Wait.

I am getting blue balls for mousetraps. We have to talk about blue balls. What a segue. Too hot, are you talking about two hot to handle? Yes. Dude, I haven't watched the like reunion app that I guess just dropped, but we did finish the series proper last night.

episode away. So no spoilers will be coming. No spoilers. Is it a spoiler to be like, there's a winner, which is like what? Like, yeah, I guess I forgot. I didn't, because of the first

two out to handle happened in the emotional despair depths of quarantine, I remember nothing about it. I remember loving it. They all walked away with like nothing. It was kind of a layer. It was like, why did you all do this?

You all walked away with like two grand, which I guess is still a lot of money, but maybe not worth it. I mean, I guess it's worth it to, lay at a nice resort and you know but the I don't know it just felt so weird

like it was like they really I love this kind of a project because I don't think they even know what the fuck they're doing until they just make like last minute decisions like I think literally they got to like this episode we're like everybody paired off this is perfect okay there's gonna be a winner I think they're making it up yes

I will say what do you mean there's just watch winner it is so fucking funny it is all of it so good but so dumb It does make so much sense that it's not. I thought they were just there for two weeks. They're not. They're there for a month. And so they cut down all of that footage.

Wow. It was like, that does make more sense of why they are as connected as they are. Right. Rather than, because I thought it was just like a week and a half, you know? Right. My thing about reality shows now is that I actually totally get it. Like, I used to watch reality shows and be like, whatever, you've known it for like four days. But we all know, like, the summer camp phenomenon where if you spend, or if you, or if you,

you ever been on a retreat. With no phones, no television, you have nothing to do. There's so much bonding. Yeah. You bond so hard, and I feel like that can be real. Yeah. And so I'm like, I actually think that part of reality shows is kind of like interesting and fun.

But Cam, poor, big, toothy, you know, doofy Cam had such blue balls from the, he's such a horny. He's so horny. Yeah. So horny. He had to go to the doctor for his blue balls because he hadn't come. a couple of days. Epididimal hypertension.

I'm gonna say this right now. As a ball haver, I've experienced this. Okay. It's fucking insane. What does it feel like you don't mind me asking? Hell of.

You just feel so like, I mean, it's hard because I would actually liken it to getting kicked in the balls. Okay. So maybe actually like, when you, have you ever been punched in the tit?

Yeah, but I feel like it doesn't like have, it doesn't make your whole body kind of have it. Like, it's just like a, it's just like a horrible pain in like your gut and like the guts of you. So maybe it's like almost like a cramp. I wonder if it's more like that.

Maybe it's like a cramp. Yeah, yeah. Wait, have I talked about this on the show? I feel like I keep saying that on this particular episode. That I got blue balls? No, no, I was going to say there's a video again to bring up Reddit. There was a video on Reddit where they had this like patch that stimulates cramps. And contractions too, right?

Yeah. And so they would have the guys where this like, like electrode patch and you just watch them like writhing and like freaking out and then it would cut to a girl and then it would cut to like a lady getting the patches and she's just standing there like what the fuck is this nothing what are you talking about and just sitting there like totally fine and then it would cut to a different dude like big dudes you know what I mean and they're just like crying and like this is horrible and then it would cut to another lady and she's just like do you want to turn this up like this isn't doing it like she's just standing there like no effect whatsoever

It really does give you a lot of perspective on how fucking horrendous. You can purchase a labor simulator. I mean, I think guys maybe need to feel this a little bit sometimes. Understand what you all go. Hold on. You should purchase a labor simulator and then do it while Lexi is in labor just so that you could also demand a lot of attention. I want to steal her shine a little bit. I mean, I'm like, give me the amperador.

Get me the empadoural. But yeah, when it comes to blue balls, I mean, it is a, it will not go away. It is a horrific feeling. And it'll last, yeah, just for hours. And it's just like, oh, you just feel it. And it's one of those things. Like, you know, you have lower back pain, but like you feel it in your leg. It's like one of those where like, it's the balls, but it's like coursing through other parts of your body.

You're just like in so much pain. I'm watching some of these videos right now. And it's just, I'm watching them on silent. and it's just men holding onto the side of a table, just like, screaming that subtitles just said, make it stop, take it off. Make it stop, take it off.

So funny, maybe I should get one and just like do it for a stream or something like that. I do feel like Lexi might really enjoy it. Honestly, especially if she has her hand on the dial and gets to like, you know, yeah, exactly. That's the problem with her, though. She's too sweet.

She's too kind. I'll do it to you. I'll do it to you. Yeah, yeah, exactly. give me to the work wife. She'll make them feel. So I know that I've heard about, you know, obviously, I think that many people who make out with boys hear about blue balls fairly early on

because the boys will be like, Because you're not fucking. If you don't love me, I'm not good blue balls. But. That's ridiculous, by the way. It's not, it's a livable issue. Yes. Except for, oh, Cam.

Except for Cam had it so bad. Well, Cam's so dumb, though. I feel like you get blue balls once. You're like, all right, I'm going to stop like doing. this, but I think he probably got blue balls. He's like, you know, well, I should keep a hole open us. Well, I should be.

I'll keep on humpina tomorrow. You know what I mean? It's just like. People on Two Head to Handel are so horrid. Imagine being so horny that you'd rather give yourself repetitive blue balls over and over. Like if I knew I couldn't like make, like, if I knew I couldn't do anything with somebody, why would I go start grinding on them only to be like, oh, it's like, you know? It reminds me.

That's what I think I love about the show. it reminds me of a horniness time period in my life where you're so irrational, it just doesn't matter. Like, you're just so horny. You're, like, humping mattresses and you're creating vaginas out of, like, household appliances and fruit. You know what I mean? Like, there's no bounds to the horniness.

And I live through it a little bit because I'm older now. My libido has definitely gone down from what it used to be. And so I just revel in these, this midsummer night's dream that is too hot. the same way. I'm like, oh, it's so sweet that you guys are so horny. Oh, I got to have. But this is my thing. And you know what? Go listen to talking TV that I did with Lexi this week.

If you really want to hear the full rant on this because I think I went off on this for like 20 minutes. At one point, they even make the joke. They're like, if we didn't do it like this, it would be a porno. And I have this to say right now. Pornhub, X videos. I don't care who it is. Sell it to HBO. Sell it to like one of those places.

Obviously, you're not going to be able to do it at Disney Plus. but I want to see that show where all you're doing is trying to make people lose money by making them as horny as possible until they start fucking each other. And also, I want for like two guys to be off on like a bro hang and the green lights go off. Yes, thank you.

And it's not earned. Yes. But the green lights go off in like crazy situations where there's like, you know, where everyone's fucking hooking up with everyone because they have to. And also even when the green light goes off on the show, I just want to see the people immediately

take their pants off and just start fucking going to town on each other's genitals. That's what it would, like that's what it would be in a real situation. Like if the green wristband went off, we wouldn't just make out for a while. Like they would make out and the green light would still be on and they would like stop making out. I'm like, suck that guy's shit. It's the only time you can do it.

Like fucking suck, you know, eat her pussy right, like, rub it now. I actually think Holden, I've been starting to watch Are you the one? And I think that you might be into that. Okay. They pair up people. More lascivious.

And it's after like they do a bunch of like tests, quote unquote to pair up people in a house. And then they like essentially start switching off. It's in the same kind of set up as a too hot to handle. But they got to keep fucking. They're like, no, I'm going to go fuck this one now. Okay. And it's also a lot more like, there's a lot more queer people in it and is a lot more of like, you look good. I don't give a shit.

I'm going to go have sex with you. and then they go have sex. The morality and the like attempt to find a deeper meaning in the show is where I start going like, I like it because it's so stupid and it's just so ridiculous, like, the journey that they're making these like hot idiots go on and like finding like more truth and honesty in themselves and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And like it's funny and it's stupidity. Well, I'm not going to give away what happens to you.

Yeah, yeah. Well, this is, John and I spent about 45 minutes on our show Radio Dispatch talk about this, and it was a politics show because it is like. Well, it's the Fourth of July. There's not a whole lot. There's not a lot going on. Anyway. But like, it is so puritanical to be like only, the only meaning that you can ever, you are a shallow person and you have a shallow relationship if you fuck.

Like, you can only achieve meaning by, like, withholding your desire. It's very, very old fashioned. Yeah, it's very old fashion. Yeah. It's very old fashion, especially because it's like they lose money for kissing, but it's like, how. How are they going to find out if they're at all compatible without even a kiss? And they can't even masturbate. Like, what the-

The kissing is what established, like, if you notice every single couple, at least one single kiss is what establishes their bond. Yeah. So you're weirdly, like, punishing them for doing the thing that they, you actually want them to do. 100%. I think kissing, like, if I were to write the rules, I'd be like, you get like one kiss a day or something because it doesn't even make any,

that part doesn't make any sense. Yeah, it's so weirdly piratatatatical. I want the porno version. I want the full. on, like, feathers are popping out of holes and, like, tickling people's genitals and stuff. You know what I mean? Like, there's just stuff going on, like, constantly to make them horny. There's just, you know, porn on every TV blurred out.

Like, it's just everything around them. It's the psychological, just shit show for these people. And they're just coming in their pants. You know what I mean? They're coming despite themselves in ridiculous ways. Everyone's, like, shooting, like, you know what I mean? They're like, we bring them to the point where they're, you know what I mean? They're like, we bring them to the point where they're, you know what I mean?

no hands are just coming. Streets run white with cum, baby. I just want to see it so bad. And obviously the world is so horny because then there are times, and plus it is a holiday weekend, then you have the New York Post putting out articles like the top 20 cities

for cheating in the United States. I'm surprised how it's not on there. The horny cheater website, Ashley Madison, made this. They're the source for the top 20 cities. And incredibly, I had to read it like three, times. New York City, not anywhere on the list. I don't understand. Or L.A.

All right. I don't get that at all. I don't understand. Please, maybe one of you guys can explain it to me. Ashley Madison, it is a site that is supposed to be made so that you can go on and find other people to cheat with. And I assume that you can also go on as someone that wants to cheat with someone else. No king shaming whatsoever. But I don't understand why they have it if you're just going to get caught or is that part of the point? Can't you just also cheat on Tinder

and you can cheat on Bumble and you can cheat on almost anything else? Yeah, but it's like, you know, it's like J-Date, right? It's like, I want to go somewhere where just Jewish people are. Always willing to convert everybody. Ashley Madison is, I just want to go to a place where everybody's terrible.

Yeah. And immoral. Yeah, these other places you'd have to like trick them. Whereas here, it's like, yeah, I'm here to cheat on my wife. What do we got? Oh, Tiffany. sure, whatever. You're into fruit. Let's do this. Also, I think that Ashley Madison actually predates

most of the online dating, because I remember watching an Oprah episode about a 15 Madison in like 2012 or something. Maybe it doesn't predate like OKCupid and some of the other like online dating sites that certainly like, you know, queer people were using online dating like like, you know, long, you know, for a long time before like Tinder and stuff. But like I think that Ashley Madison was like a fairly early on in the, uh, internet dating world, and it was like, yeah, and it's all, it's branding is all like, ooh, what if you're a sophisticated cheater? You know what I mean? And then cut to Josh Dugger. And how could you ever use a dating site that infamous,

disgusting reality star pedophile Josh Dugger uses? Like, how could you go on there and be like, oh, that's a man I can trust? I'm going to use this fucking, this app. Did we just talk about the depths of a horny man, the sheer depths that they can get to? Although you say that, but according to Dr. Tammy Nelson in this post article, the author of when you're the one who cheats, it is women who are, quote, better at multitasking. And according to this study, may be better at cheating. So, that is such a weird thing to say. Damn, that woman could bake a cake and cheat on her husband.

Wow. Yeah, I'm giving blowies and fucking flipping burgers, bro. Pseudoscience. Oh, women have to multitad. First of all, women are going to multitasking because society expects it from them. Yeah, yeah. Second of all, fucking cheating is not multitasking. I'm sorry, that's just some shit.

I don't think that's the same thing. I don't know. I will say that, like, immorality and just being kind aside, like the just logistics of It sounds so exhausting to me. Just like same with polyamory. Like just the logistics of dating and giving more than one person a relate, like an intimate relationship is so exhausting to me. And more power to you.

If you can do it, I, I'm not, I'm just not. I'm just incapable of the energy it would take to maintain two relationships. Are you kidding? Yeah. And all the lies, if it's cheating, like if you're actually going to make. maintain like a house of lies, that's got to take a lot of brain power. Oh, even, oh, yeah. I'm not even including that too, MJ.

Just the whole house of lies part where you have to like keep constantly checking like what you lied about or what you said. You just mean the emotional energy of spending time with somebody. I mean just the emotional and logistical, like having like. Smiling and going, yes, oh, that is difficult. Oh, man, I bet your boss is really, oh, yeah, I get that gets on you. There's part of you that you put aside time. your day for your partners. Yeah.

You can give that support to them. Yeah. Then you add on partners. Then you add on another one. Just like, I can't handle more than one. I couldn't imagine having that much energy for that. Maybe if I just stop playing video games. Those people don't like play hours of video games though.

So I guess that's the difference, right? They just fuck. And like give people emotional support. Like that's all they do. Right. And do romantic shit. I'm also, I'm romantic. I'm not that romantic.

I can't be romantic 24-7. Which again, I feel like you sort of have to, you have to be this like, you know, smooth operator. You definitely completely don't, especially like if you're in Polly Amory, but I do implore you if you've never checked out the show, Polly Amory, married and dating on Showtime. And it makes, it is this reality show about, like, I know so many Polly people and they make out Polly people to be like, they're all like this. They have their tribes. And they all have sex with each other. And they all get to look into each other's eyes and be like, I just. love you as they're having sex with all of their partners.

And it is such an extreme. Not that even it's bad. It's just very funny to watch them. I know plenty of Bali people that aren't living in a yurt with all of their partners having to have like communication sessions every other hour. But you know what? If you are, again, mazzle, but I got other shit to do. You know, I do have other things that I got to do besides just communicate about my feelings,

like eating hot dogs. And isn't that more important? My triglycerides are high, yes. But my smiling is even higher. I feel like we planted a seed and we should follow through. People are like, what are the damn cities that people are cheating in the most?

So why don't we read off the top 10? And then we can talk about it. So starting from number 10, Tampa, Florida. Yeah. Oh, you get three, by the way, Florida. You get three in the top of it. Florida.

Including the number one and number two spot, by the way, we'll get there. St. Paul, Minnesota. St. Louis, Missouri, Boise, Idaho. How do you feel about it? Two of the Twin Cities. Both of the cities are on there. St. Paul and Mayapolis. Everybody's cheating.

Yeah, man. They're a bunch of pent-up Lutherans over there. I didn't realize. Cincinnati, Ohio at the number five spot. Okay. The number four spot is Atlanta, Georgia. Then the final stretch, no shocker here. Las Vegas, Nevada.

I mean, Orlando, Florida, because you know what, you go with the family to Disney World by day, and then at night, you are getting. and your dick blowed the fuck off. Dude, you ever party at UCF? UCF has, I think most of the drugs in Florida are all in UCF

and the surrounding area. That is where we would get all of our craziest drugs. They're still like raving. Yes, and I watch people do things that I shouldn't have seen in Orlando, Florida. And it makes me scared of it,

but in like, also like in a fun way. And then number one, drum roll please. Br-R-R-R-R-. Miami, Florida. Bienvenito a Miami. Welcome to Miami. Yeah, baby.

My initial thought was Las Vegas, Nevada, and I'm gonna assume Miami, Florida as well, or I'm pretty sure, you know, there's a lot more sex work in those places, but actually this is based on the app. It's based on the app. So I don't even know if that actually drives that.

Miami is very conservative outside of the way that it looks. Okay. It is a fairly, like it's a very wealthy place, and it is lots of fun. But I feel like there's lots of like strip clubs and stuff in Miami too, right? And stuff like that.

But it's not quite like Vegas. I feel like it's maybe just the duplicitous nature of the Ashley Madison of its more for like, I also know Miami is quite a transient town. So I feel like Ashley Madison and is used in a lot of places of like, all right, well, I'm here for a business. Right.

I'm going to fuck somebody else. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, exactly. I was about to say, because people go into Vegas, man, I feel like so many dudes go to Vegas with the intention to cheat, you know what I mean? Well, Holden, you're going there this weekend.

How do you feel? I am sewing my dick clothes. Good for you. And her punching it every time I see anything that even at all arouses me. I love it. I actually, Lexi is forcing me to show her my blue balls to make sure that I have them.

It better be radiating through your whole body. Yeah, yeah. I feel like Miami and Las Vegas are just both like places you go for the weekend to, cheat on your spouse, you know, that's just how the... Yes, 100%. Orlando's a little bit of a weird one, so maybe it is the drug culture. That is a bit...

I'd surprise this me. I would have picked New York, L.A., you know, Chicago even, well, no, everyone's just all like, everyone's just too full of, like, bad food to, like, cheat. They're just so exhausted from eating terrible for you food. It's so delicious, but so bad for you. Speaking of so full, it surprises me. I hate to say this. I'm surprised as me.

Number 14 is Buffalo. Yeah. You've ever been to Buffalo before you eat like a beautiful queen when you're in Buffalo. Yeah. But I don't think I've ever felt sexy in Buffalo. But I think like Cincinnati, Buffalo, I'd even maybe throw the Twin Cities. I think these are like boredom places. Yeah.

And these are like boredom. And Buffalo and the Twin Cities both make me think about winter. Yeah. It's like you're endless. I don't think that's the transient I'm going to Miami to cheat with somebody thing. It's like I am in a place where winter lasts for like seven to eight months and it's very dark and I'm very sad

and so therefore I must cheat. Hey, number 15, Anchorage, Alaska. Win in Alaska. You know, actually, and I see Hawaii's on this map but obviously none of the cities are in Hawaii. I'm kind of surprised Hawaii wouldn't maybe be because it's such a vacay place, you know what I mean? But again, it's kind of a family vacay place.

That's the thing, you're there, you're staying with your whole family in the hotel. But Orlando, dude, Orlando, you're going to Epcot by day and you are fucking getting cocaine snorted out of your asshole while you're an eyeful towering. What a night. Some lady dressed like snow white, you know what I mean? That's why they do the cocaine off of her. Oh, man. Don't even get me started on those undertunnels.

You know many people I knew that worked at Disney? Oh, baby. They got some times under those tunnels, but no one's allowed to talk about it. Did you hear about that dock that got shut down that was like someone was doing like a dock in secret? And once Disney found out, they shot it the fuck down.

Hell yeah. They are not allowed to talk about that stuff. Of course. Tunnels underneath, man. I love it. It goes to all of the different parks. I love it. Happens down there.

That's so great. Oh, I bet so many fuck parties go on down there. And I love to imagine. they're all dressed up like princesses and mascots. It's like a chipmunk fucking sleeping beauty. Really what it is is that they've been sweating so hard that they can scrape the sweat off of them so they're not wearing a whole lot.

It's more of that idea. Because you don't want to fucking the costume. The costumes are so disgusting. Right, right. It's like Catwoman like at the end of Batman Returns. You know what I mean? It's like just the smeared makeup and the ripped off leather costume and everything.

Man, I wanted to have sex with Catwoman. Yeah. Who didn't? And man, I want to do a conspiracy theory. Uh-oh. Do you believe it? Are Hugh Grant and Elizabeth Hurley the prototype British robots?

Whoa. Is this because of the Olympics? Maybe. No, I don't even think it is. But this is one of those fan theories. Okay. And I kind of like this. Prototype British acting robots, I should say,

is the full title of the subject line of the email. This one comes in from Rachel who says, Dear People at Page 7, I began playing around with this theory after watching Bedazzled and Notting Hill as a double feature, which weird choice. No, what do you mean weird choice? Perfect choice. I completely support this choice. Well, I have a weird relationship with bedazzled. That was one of those, I feel like I taught, but that was one of those jerk off movies. Yeah, of course. That was Elizabeth Hurley, it's like not a good comedy. And so also, what's his name is just like in a lot of my masturbation Brendan Fraser.

Brendan Fraser's just weirdly there for a lot of my jerk off sessions in this time of my life. Get in line, bro. I get it. Elizabeth Hurley is constantly doing these like costume changes and she's always like a seductress

because she's the devil. So there's like literally a school girl scene. It's like her and like lingerie. I mean it was literally just like the movie was so useless but like her was like my, you know, I had the TV VCR in my room. This is high school days. And I would just rewind to certain scenes

and just let the good times roll. Now, they also were together for a really long time. Oh, wow. So this would make sense of part of the theory is that if they were both born together or created together, then they would be released as a couple, quote, unquote. This is it, yeah.

You're way ahead of the game, Jackie's. I'm sorry, I got hung up, I'm jerking off to that movie. That's okay. I just have really, I want to equally have sex with both of them, even though Hugh Grant, I think his bad, badman, is he a badman?

I forget there was in that time period where it's like, I know that he was having sex with a sex worker, but I think that it was bad if I remember. Yeah, right. Right, it's one of those things like, was it bad because it was the 90s and they shamed sex work? And then they're shamed sex work for some fucking reason. Or was he actually a badman?

I'm going to quickly look this up while you're looking at this, because now I have to know else my brain won't stop. While watching these two films back to back, I was struck by Hugh and Lizzie's voices being nearly identical in cadence, accent, and tenor. That's true. and Elizabeth Hurley has a weird bassy voice. She's so fucking hot.

She's so hot, dude. Do you follow her on Instagram too? She still has it. She is always posting like her in bikini pictures like from today. She looks amazing. She does not look whatever her ages. They also shared similar expressions of charm and mannerisms as if they were mimicking one another.

Upon further research, I found that Hugh and Lizzie dated for 13 years, beginning in 1987 and ending in 2000. An ample amount of time for two robots to live in. a, quote, small flat and teach each other how to charm speak. I'm sure White 2K has something to do with their upgrading, but I'm not tech savvy enough to fully understand. We were warned about this robot conspiracy during the Austin Powers franchise. Who could forget Lizzie's iconic character, Vanessa Kensington, from Austin Powers.

Oh, I remember another one of those kind of healthy, meaty masturbation comedies. Austin Powers International Man of Mystery. Of course, she was Austin's charming, intelligent, and witty bow slash partner. but in Austin Powers the Spy who shagged me, another, by the way, juicer, Heather Graham, please. Oh, yeah. It was revealed she had been a robot all along. Austin realized it was important to trust only American women after being betrayed by the filthy Brits and stuck with Heather Graham and one miss beyond. St. Nol's, yes, Austin, the character's, Homeland was also Britain.

But the actor Mike Myers, an American in disguise was warning us, the British are coming. I don't know about that paragraph, Rachel, but let's just move on. And really, you ask, what does it even matter? the two British robots are wandering around Hollywood? Well, I'll tell you, today there are not merely two British robots wandering around Hollywood. There are hundreds. Another great British perfected the acting robots

with the prototypes, Elizabeth Hurley and Hugh Grant. They began manufacturing many different types of robots to enter the Hollywood game to gain access to the deep well of American entertainment spending money. So while Jackie asks, why is everyone British these days? I have one answer for you. To take your money. Whoa.

Thanks for all the shows. Hope things are well for you all, Rachel L. They're not Rachel, but whatever. But also, Rachel, I do want you to know. Thank you so much. And I think that I do believe in this. But yes, it did just happen to be the bullshit, or a mid-90s that the sex worker was 23 years old.

There was legitimately just because it was a, quote, lewd conduct and he was arrested for it. I just before I spoke to it was like, oh, no, is he actually really bad? No, but the whole thing. We call that a pee-wee-Herman. Yeah. Yeah.

That we put it in our minds that he's bad. Yeah. When he's not bad, he paid money to a sex worker, both consented, but he was in a relationship at the time with Elizabeth Hurley, which is part of the reason why the tabloids were like, how could you cheat on Elizabeth Hurley? I'm like, bro. I can't just, what are you going to fucking say? That's one of the, another weird holdover from the 90s and was like, oh,

you only cheat on people if your wife sucks. No, it's like such a stupid way to talk about cheating. Or yeah, your wife can be so hot that you wouldn't cheat on her. It's like that's just not how cheating works. It implies that as though, like if you're the woman and you don't want your husband to cheat on you, it's like if you're just hot enough, then he won't cheat on you. And it's like, no. That's so interesting.

All you need to be is hot and literally do nothing else and your husband will never cheat on you. Yeah. It's another like funny conception, right? But I'm sure if, you know, it's like, well, was she emotionally fulfilling? Who knows? Right. You know what I mean? Like, was there, you know, did they talk?

Did they communicate? But in 95, that wasn't the conversation. None of that was the conversation in 95. It was just, ooh. O.J. Simpson. Yeah, yeah, it was just all that. But it's funny because we talk about cancel culture now, but if that's really all that Hugh Grant was canceled for, and he was canceled for something that was not, again,

it was an interperson. wrong to Elizabeth Hurley, but it's not like, people don't need to be canceled for interpersonal wrongs. They need to be canceled when they do things that are abusive. Because they're a robot. Or when they're robots. So what do you think? Jackie believes.

I believe. Isn't there a thing where British people, I'm about to step out. Uh-oh. Isn't there? I like this. Like the BBC voice, right? And I assumed that there's a thing where British people all just like strive to a standard or that they're,

the way that they talk about accents amongst British people is like, there's this kind. It's very classes. Yeah, there's like the posh. You can talk like your posh or you can talk like your poor or you can talk like, and so I just thought that I assumed that the way that they both talked

the exact same was just a way that British people all learn to say certain words the same way. Because they're both rich. I will say as someone that, I had to take classes to lose my accent if I wanted to do VO or audiobooks I took classes to actually take my accent away. So I think that it is, weirdly enough, something that is an international thing of you

have to sound like this to get across it like, oh, Jackie Zabrowski, that's in every woman sound. She's not necessarily from New York. She's not necessarily from Florida. She sounds like someone that could be from anywhere. And I assume, but I also don't know, because I'm not British, that that could be the case as well of like, well, if I sound like I'm from a different place, I can definitely move myself up in a different way and portray myself in a different way.

Because then, you see, I love Adele even more because I love it when Adele speaks and you're like, damn, girl, hell yeah. And you're like, excuse me, what did you just say? And I love it. Yeah, super nanny too. Yes, yes, exactly, because you're just because they're so put together. And as Americans, like, I don't know the differences in the different accents, but we do know it enough in the same way that I hear a verse of like,

You can tell when someone is, you hear the southern United States or Southern American accent, and you immediately judge them for their own particular ways. Right. Right. Holden, North Carolina. You're your coke night. Uh-oh. Kulkney on your kulk.

Could I like a southern pleasant southern accent? I think it's nice. What is that? Come on down into my basement, little boy. Hey. Well, that is very, very scary. I'm very scared. Anyway, they're both robots.

I believe they're both robots. See, we didn't even get to. We didn't get to get into the robots that are at the Olympics. I know that we're all going to see them. I'm so fucking into these goddamn robots, bro. I'm so scared of these robots, bro. No, they're awesome. And they're like very anime.

I was already into the design of the mascot. I was like, that's so anime. I love it. And then they made robots out of it. And now I'm like way into it. They're like little chibi, cutesy. I love the Japan should always host the Olympics. This is always going to be fun.

cool shit like this. Like you don't get this in Russia or whatever. I guess they don't do it rush, right? No, they killed all the dogs. They killed all the dogs. Remember they killed all the steroids? I can't believe it. But you know, you don't get that kind of fun stuff anywhere else. You get that in Tokyo. You get little fucking anime robots. So cool. And their eyes changed.

There's going to be robots everywhere. I love it. At the Tokyo Olympics, which are starting so soon. And we didn't get into Shikari, who just, man, all the shit about smoking weed, which he had not really fucking sucks and it's definitely not a sports enhancer by any

means, but she hates Lil Nas-X. Yeah, it seems kind of homophobic. It's hard that she hates Lil Nasax because it's still, what happened to her is absolutely a greediest sucks. It's ridiculous. Her mom just fucking died. Shut the fuck on.

Come on. Let her run. Let her run. Yes, in fact, I mean, in the same way, it's like, if you're smoking weed and you can still win those fucking races that track, good on. Yeah. It's always so annoying when we all acknowledge, like, this fucking issue isn't going to be here in literally like, definitely in like a decade, right? Yeah.

It's just going to be legal everywhere. So it's just so annoying to see like, oh, I already see the future and it's this is not going to matter then. But because we're just in this dumb pocket of time, you're still testing for weed. Egregious. Even offices don't test for weed anymore, bro, just to get like a job at like blockbuster. Well, that doesn't exist. get a job at like 21 and up what do people forever forever 21 up forever 21 you know what I mean you have to take a piss test for fucking weed like are you kidding like they want you to show up high

you do you more focused on your shitty job that you have to do yeah and then I want to be there let the woman run by the way I fucking smoke weed before I go on a jog every time and I love it and it's the best yeah because you actually can like lose yourself in it yeah just so great for working I do it. I smoke weed before I do yoga. It's like it gets you, at least it like it shuts my brain off to the outside world, but we're not going to get into that right now.

Yeah. Because right now we got to get into shoutouts. Shout, shout, shout, let it all out. Okay. These are the emails that you wrote in about. Come on. We'll read them to you. Come on.

Oh, we are in cancer country, everybody. What? Turn the car around. What are you dying about? It's the birthdays. It's the astrological sign. Oh, I thought you were about to read somebody's like battle with cancer email

and that was how you were introing it. Watch out how come chemo. I literally thought you were going to be like, it's cancer time, everybody. George is, has stage three. Astrologically, you bastard. Turn the car around. I love this.

So a couple weeks ago, I had put out a shout out of someone that was looking looking for love. And this person is looking for something a little bit of love and a little bit of work. Pauline wrote in and said, my sister is moving to a new apartment in L.A. on July 14th, and we are both poor

and we don't have any money or male companionship. I can't speak for her, but as far as my male friends go, they got girlfriends and disappeared. So either I'm so gosh darn threatening, or I have shitty male friends. Anywho, was wondering if you could ask me a shout out on page 7 for some male assistant slash muscle for us on the moving day. The men's would come running to aid a couple damsels in distress, right?

Regardless, you're wonderful, but also I'm willing to accept help from anyone that looks a little bit like Joe Mangonello. So if you look like Joe Mangonello, hit us up at Page 7 Podcast and you want to help two young women who are in need of help moving. I just thought it was such a funny thing to write in about that I've always had dudes. I mean, Holden, how many times have you moved me from apartment to apartment?

And it's like you give them pizza and beer and we are now finally at the age where that wouldn't be enough. I could never imagine. I always talk about how like, and maybe it's just putting the word out, like, there's got to be some other way to get people back for helping you move. Because the whole part where you're like,

we're going to have this pizza party after is so not true. There's nowhere to sit. Forgive me if you've heard this point. There's nowhere to sit. You're all sitting on the floor. You're all fucking exhausted. If you're in New York, you might not even have an air conditioner set up. No.

You're just sweating your ass off in this uncomfortable space. You guys moved me up eight flights of stairs in July once. I'll never forget that. And then a lot of times the person is also so exhausted. They're like, I didn't even get beer. I don't know what to do. And you just leave without any of it. But if they do supply it, everyone there just wants to leave.

And the worst part is the person you just moved in wants you out of there because they're looking around like, now I have to organize all this shit and like turn this into an apartment. So even they are like, okay, enjoy your fucking pizza. Get the fuck out of my plate. You know what I mean? So it's like maybe like throw everybody a pizza party like later that night or like the next day. Yes.

That's right. Buy everybody around. But the part where we're all going to have a fun hangout and you're not. apartment after a big move is a fallacy. It never happens. So it's like either maybe consider hiring people because honestly it's a really hard fucking work. And it doesn't even matter if you have like twice the people.

It's hard to do this. They're youngs though. In your 20s though, I get it. Yeah, that's the thing. It works in your 20s. It just doesn't work in your 30s. It's fine in your 20s. That's why the plea goes out on page 7.

So hit us up. Write Pauline in the subject line if you're in L.A. can help them move on July 14. Please help them move. And then also just consider maybe saying, and then, you know, tomorrow we're going to meet at this bar and I'm buying you at least one round. Yeah, that's at this bar.

After we've all had a chance to shower and not, you know, and put the couch where it needs to be. And, you know what I mean? That's the glow up of the helping you move. Yeah, it's the next day bar rather than the same day six pack on the floor. on the floor. It's just never good. Like, it's never an enjoyable six-pack.

It just doesn't, no one feels good about it. Oh, no, but there's no refrigerator holding, so it's nice and hot beer as well. Yeah, exactly. And honestly, it's so funny how it always happens. They're always just, because they're rightfully so, they're exhausted.

They just move their entire apartment. Yeah. They've been boxing things up and all this stuff before, hopefully, fucking hopefully, before you got there. So they've been working so long. And so they're usually just like, I guess we got to get. beer.

I've been working so hard. You're just like, yeah, no one wants this. Just go, it's fine. We're just not going to, you know what I mean? Yeah. We're just not going to be fulfilled in any way from doing this. But hopefully there'll be plenty of cold beers. At Amanda's 25th birthday on July 10th, Amanda, your best friend Katie, wrote in and let us know that Amanda has been Katie's friend for 17 years.

She said she's the funniest, craziest, most trustworthy, and down to her. earth person I know. She always follows her dreams and get shit done while maintaining the fun and bubbly persona that she's known for. I love her and feel so lucky to have been her friend throughout the years. And I want to send you a whatever holding

can you give her or whatever. Whatever. And the birthdays just keep coming. Because beautiful Megan's birthday is on July 8th. Your friend, Allison wants to send you so much love for your birthday. And

She says that you and your wife are the best and that she's someone who makes me not feel different for any of my mental health issues slash ticks. Even though Allison is immunocompromise and couldn't see anybody during the Demi, you still made her feel included and not alone. She also says that you're obsessed with and truly are Miss Piggy. So Holden, could you give us a Miss Piggy impersonation towards the birthday girl? Oh, Peggy! Oh, my God, his piggy's here. Oh, Megan, oh. Oh, I'm grabbing my genitals, Megan.

I'm hurting myself. I'm hurting my genitals, Megan, for you. Happy birthday. I don't know if that's what was Biggie sounds like, but I like the interpretation. My genitals are ravaged. It's your birthday. And we don't, we're already up top.

We already sang faith for Mairead and Chloe's 30th, twin birthday dude, this is insane though. So Chloe, the twin of Marade, is trapped in Vietnam because Chloe was detained in a Vietnamese COVID quarantine camp last year and that her sister was the first person to get in contact with our embassy and British politicians to try and get her out. She says she's incredibly capable and persistent and her rage on my behalf gave me power.

Isn't that insane? Happy birthday Marade and Chloe. That's why you guys both deserve the top song of it. That's absolutely insane. I will say it makes me think of Broke down Palace, but I think that that is just me wanting to rewatch the movie Broke down Palace. Because there's nothing to do with it because I think that you chose to be there in the first place.

Yeah, I would say Broke down Palace and Brokeback Mountains, a really good double feature. Man, I do love them both in very, very different ways. I want to give a shout out to Jenny, who was just in a hit-and-run motorcycle accident. We love you, and I hope your foot feels better as quickly as possible. And I wrote this down earlier. Who needs a pinky toe when you can eye-fuck every nurse and say,

want to rub my foot for good luck? Yeah, Jenny, I wrote that pickup line for your foot just for you. And please use it at your will. And one last shout-out goes in to Nikki and her. boyfriend from your best friend, Hannah, because Nikki and her boyfriend were seriously injured in a head-on collision earlier this week, and they both survived. They are seriously injured, but they made it fucking through. Hannah says you are an incredibly kind, smart, and hilarious person who's in the middle

of grad school to become the coolest therapist ever. We need you to pull through, Nikki. We love you. Keep on, keep on. You survived. Take life by the dippy. Oh, and spray this shit everywhere. And we love you guys so much.

And thank you. I'm happy that you survived. And thank you for your shoutouts. Thank you for writing in. You can send all the rest of your shoutouts. Or just like saying hi or blind items or conspiracy theories. Whatever you want. Over to page seven podcast at gmail.com.

That is seven the number. Hell yeah, dude. Yeah. I just took out my tongue like a little dipey girl. I just can think about diapies, I guess, lately. Well, you know what? There are diapies on the brain. A lot of diapies.

talk today. I've been thinking about numbered items in order that are read off in a certain way. What does that mean? Is it a list? You genuinely confused me for a second. I was like, okay, what? Do we need to talk about this? Do you want to get into the strategies of risk right now? I am OCD when it comes to numbered items in order that describe everything. All right, well, let's get through this. Let's talk about where it came from. Let's talk about your life. But also we need to do the list. Oh, who's on the list. Jackie, got to have that list. It is bonkers ways famous creators made iconic works. Does it sound general? Yes, but it does include a lot of weird things.

Like, John Hughes wrote the first draft of Home Alone in nine days. Now, Alden, correct me if I'm wrong. Did you guys, you guys did a Home Alone episode over on The Wizard and the Bruiser, right? Yes, we did a Home Alone episode on which the Brews were absolutely. I mean, obviously that was seven months ago. Every single time, exactly. Every single time I finish an episode, it is like taking a test in high school. None of it is really recollected whatsoever. He's really understandable, but apparently he wrote 44 pages in eight hours on the last day of putting together the script of Home Alone.

And at the time he wrote in his journal that he was worried he's not working fast enough on the script. John Hughes is just a fucking beast, though, of getting shit done. And now, speaking of Lynn Manuel Miranda, I feel like Holden was just talking about him on his stream yesterday, wrote some of Hamilton while watching tennis matches. Oh, ho! Tennis has a rhythmic quality. So he can watch, say, the Wimbledon or the U.S. Open and work at the same time, watch him go back and forth and back and forth. There you got.

Makes sense why you hear the same rhythm in every musical. I did this impression on Talking TV. I'm doing it for you guys right now. I was watching in the Heights. I was watching the Heights and I was like, I get it now. Bah, but ban on da, butna,

butna, pa, pana, butna, butna, butna, butna, butna, butna, butna,

blah, every fucking song. It invigorates my soul. Evening you're just doing it. I was like, yeah. Insert lyrics here. I still, I enjoyed in the heights. I did enjoy Hamilton,

but I'm starting to see a little bit of the old facade here. A little bit of the sheen coming in the approach, let's say, shall we? Nothing, like I said, I enjoyed those musicals, and I enjoy Lin-Manuel Miranda, but there's nothing funnier to me than someone who's especially really into rap music

who hates it talking about it. Like, it makes me, it fills me with such joy. It's so funny to me. Just the way that people hate Hamilton is like hilarious. Like, I'll just sit and scream with laughter. And every now and I'd be like, I actually kind of like it. Yeah. Totally, man.

But I'm like, but yeah, absolutely. Absolutely, dude. That's exactly how I feel about it. I'm like, I haven't even seen Hamilton, but I think it's really fun to see how much people love it, but also how much people hate it. Hate it, yeah. But I agree, you know, Callan had this say,

we had to spend a lot of time talking about it on my stream on Tuesday. But Callen was like, just let the musical theater people have Hamilton. It's for them. It is not for rap aficionados. It is not for historians of hip-hop. It is for- United States history.

Or in the United States, it is for cheesy, you know, musical theater people that... And I love my musical theater. Don't get me wrong. And me too. Me too. I will watch Hamilton again. I'll... Right now.

I'm sticking it to you. Yeah, but will you do a bunch of blow cane and then write the strange case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? Hell yes, I will. Because R.L. Stevenson was prescribed cocaine for his tuberculosis. The good old days. You got it, man. You got to get up to get down, bro.

And when he was high on Coke, he churned out a 30,000-word draft of his story in three days. But his wife said it was utter nonsense and burned it. Stevenson then snorted some more Coke and wrote another 30,000 words in three days, which his wife approved of. Now that is, man, that's what being a partner is. I love it.

You read it. So, fuck you. Write it again. And he snorts and he snorts and goes, Yes, Mom. Yes, my angel. Anything, my angel. Nowadays, you'd be like, you're, you know, you're emotionally hurting, bruising me.

You know what I mean? And then it's like, it wouldn't work. But yeah, that's why they got shit done back of the day. It's like, nah, dude, there's no therapy. It's just cocaine and fucking rejection. That's all you get high on anymore. It's the only way I feel. Which is I imagine how Mary Shelley probably felt when Frankenstein came to Mary Shelley in an

opium dream as someone that, um, I dig it and I understand it. I could see how the idea of Frankenstein's monster could come to you in an opium dream. And apparently one night when she and her friends, including Lord Byron, and I don't know who that is, but it's included in this, took a ton of drugs on a camping trip. Byron suggested they should all write ghost stories and tell them to each other the next night. Shelly had a weird dream about a revived corpse that night and wrote her story about that. Cool. And eventually, she based Frankenstein on that story. I'm going to say big ups because I can't imagine

writing stories when you're high as bulls and opium. Yeah, in the woods. The last thing you want to do. I want to be a puddle person. That's great. That is a fun story. I like that. Yeah. And also I really didn't know that Ein Rand wrote the fountain head

on meth. She thought her publisher might drop her if she was too slow. So she took benzidrine and amphetamine that was legal back then to write the whole thing in 12 Yeah, they all did this, by the way. And it's like, because the classic story is Stephen King doesn't remember writing Kujo, but he did write the whole thing on a cocaine bender out of his mind.

He literally has no recollection of writing that book. Yeah. Like, they were all fucking loaded when they were writing this stuff. Honestly, it just makes me think of my ex, my ex's grandfather was a, like, a Grammy Award winning country artist. And he used to say that he used to be prescribed. They called them L.A. Turnarounds, which was. essentially that like you could do a show in LA, drive to Nashville, do a show, come back all while

staying awake while taking your LA turn around. So that's why they called him that. But it's how so much of like music was written in the 60s and 70s because they would just fucking go and go and go and just like, they're like, we're making magic. And then sometimes you listen back and you're like, it's just like, yeah, yeah. I was like, well, I guess it's good. And last but at least, it's nothing to do with drugs. Ferris Bueller's Day Off,

it actually just made me think of you, Holden. Hell yeah. It was filmed to the sounds of the Beatles' White album. John Hughes, who was a big Beatles fan, listened to it every one of the 56 days of the shoot. That's a lot. It's a lot of the same album. I'm the type of person.

I cannot do that kind of thing. Like, listen to something over and over and over again like that. that would make me insane. But good for him. See, I do that with specific art. I've been doing this. I haven't done this honestly in a while, and I feel like it's one of those cycles I get into.

I've been doing it with the Olivia Rodrigo album, and I've been listening to it too much. But I haven't done this since Lord's melodrama. That was the last time I've listened to an album over and over and over again in a long time. But it's kind of nice when those come in. I actually have to hold myself back. I'm like, choose a different album for this car ride.

because I don't want to ruin it. But I'm doing the exact same thing with Sour, Jackie, by the way. It's such an infectious, earwormy, great pop album. So I'm always, like, just want to lean on that. I'm like, all right, what do I want to throw on? I should probably just... You're right, Spotify. I should probably just throw on Olivia Rodriguez.

I'm like, no, no, no. Now I'm trying to dip back into the well. I threw on, like, Riloh, Kylie the other day. I threw on, like... Which album? Because I'm like... More adventurous? No, no, no, no.

The one before more adventure. the execution of all things. Isn't that what it's called? I love that album. And because I realized I was like, oh my God, there's all these car albums that I didn't have a car for. There's all this music I want to hear.

I threw on Block Party the other day as well. And I was just like, yeah, I was like dancing around the car to Block Party. And I was like, I never got to do this because I didn't have a car. Like Block Party was popular. Oh my God. And if you check out the My Jacob playlist

that I made for the character from to why. It is why I, though, I did listen to all of giving up the Postal Service album while I was driving the other day. I was like, I need to be. I love that album. That's great. I love that album.

They might be putting out a new one soon, by the way, but it doesn't matter because, or to me, because, you know, or it does matter to me because I'm starting not to be able to see, but I can still hear. I think I'm going. Blind! I know. We got a couple for you today.

I actually had three, but I cut the one, because we're running over. I did it. I just yappy, yappy, yappy. It's all good. I just, blind items is convinced that Olivia Munn and,

what's his name, are in a beard, like fake pay-for relationship. No, no, the other one. Oh. Johnny Comic. John Mullaney?

Oh, John Mullaney. I'm sorry. You're right. I'm sorry. I apologize. That they're in like a pay-to-play relationship. Yeah, yeah. But they went out to lunch in L.A.

last week. I don't. It's so, but yeah, and that was paid for so that they can get the celebrity point. The one of them were smiling. They got a free lunch. I'm always smiling when I get a free lunch.

There's no such thing as a free lunch, Jackie, and you should have learned that. First thing in the economics class. Okay. I made it to make you cry. Here's the first blind item for you guys. This is interesting. Considering the longtime hate and animosity

between this A-List former tweener turned A-List adult singer and this always troubled A-List singer who was also on television as a youngster, They were both used to be tweener A-list, and now they're adult singer A-list. The new pairing of the troubled singer is shocking. There's also a guaranteed attention grabber. I know, I know, I know it.

I know it. You know what? Demi-Rovato and Noah Cyrus. Yes, so Miley Cyrus and Demi Lovato have always been at odds. And lately, Demi Lovato was photographed holding hands with Noah Cyrus, her sister. And it is kind of an interesting, like... Well, also, Demi Lovato and Noah Cyrus have a... I don't know if they've got a song together.

They did a song, yeah. Yeah. But it is, but this has been, I didn't, you know, in the same way, I included the Zendaya and Tom Holland thing. Yeah. And I feel like there's something that, yeah, I know we work, quote, unquote, in celebrity gossip. But there's part of it that does make, that yucks my yum. Of, like, Demi Lovato and Noah Cyrus, we're like holding hands at what, I think they were

at, like, six flags or something. And everyone's like, are they having sex? We're like, mom. I think in this case, it's less interesting to me, Tom Hollanins and diet. It's like, whatever, there's two kids having fun. But also, did you see those pictures, the smiles? They were so happy.

I didn't want to look at the pictures. I was like, look at them being happy. They're young. They look great. But this is more interesting because, like, Demi Lovato, I guess, have you guys known about this? I guess it's been at odds with Miley Cyrus. They've never liked each other, I don't think.

So that's crazy. I think it's the Disney thing of growing up around each. other and both of them and like and they both went such similar and yet very differently done paths that I think that it does automatically and I wonder if it is the two of them or if it is the media pinning them against each other I don't know but I think that's kind of fun and then she's gonna get with the sister that's kind of fun and work with the sister I think it's kind of interesting little it's like a cat bird I was going catty but now it's also like a bird All right.

Second and last blind. Gets you every time. This is a bit of an olive branch blind from me. Wow. Holden McNeely. Yes. This time the split between the A-plus list singer and her controversial manager seems more permanent.

She hasn't been happy with him for some time. She refused to contribute to a project praising him too. And it's an olive... Yes. Dr. Luke. No, she didn't work with Dr. Luke. Who did she work with? My favorite woman's nemesis.

Oh, Scooter Braun. Yes. I get them. They're both bad bin, and I apologize, but I get the confused. Dr. Luke technically, from the sounds of it, way worse than Scooter Broad, but Scooter Broad also kind of a piece of shit. He sucks. Yeah, apparently he had some, like, profile and variety, and she didn't contribute to it, and that she's just been distancing her stuff, which is good because, honestly, I threw on the, um, her live concert on Netflix, and, like, in the very beginning, there's different people, like, talking about how great she is, and, like, they cut to Scooter Braun, and I'm just like, this is so jarring to see this. this fucking guy who's like so publicly, this like asshole producer

that's like so up to no good, like in this documentary trying to make me like Ariana Grande. I'm like, this is not helping the case, guys. So it is good. I'm glad that she's at least, this is so classically like you're the villain in my story with her going to Scooter being represented by Scooter Braun

after all this. So I do at least like that Ariana is taking steps to become a decent person. So, Ariana, thank you for that. But also, did you feel that Holden, now you guys can't see Holden right now, but he's got a really great haircut. Yeah. How do you feel that Ariana Grande also cut off her signature pony this week? You know what? Again, I want to say you copy everything I do and you want to be me, but sometimes

it's flattering. Like, isn't that flattering a little bit? I think it's nice that you put on her documentary. I think that's a little personal olive brand she did for her. I'm telling you, dude. I'm trying. I threw it on. I had to watch it in segments. Let's just say. Had to take a break. Had to take breaks. But I did get through it. And she's a great performer.

I understand. Not all of us can plow through like a Joey chestnut, you know? She's hilariously like the opposite of T. Swift. Like her whole deal is like her dancing and like the actual technical aspect of her singing. Like it is literally the opposite of like what T. Swift does, which is like singer-songwriter, you know, I can play these instruments on stage. like and then, but also does dancing and stuff, but obviously she's never been known for that, even though I think she is a great dancer.

We always talk about how she has, she does hand dancing. She's always very, with the hands, with her hand dancing. Anyways, that's all for me. I can see again. Congratulations. We did it. We did it. We did it.

Thank you guys so much for joining us. And don't forget very important to sign up for the petition that Heinz has started full number of hot dogs. and buns in the packages because this is the groundbreaking stuff that we need here on page 7. And I feel strong. I feel like I'm giving back to the community.

And hit me up with any content you have of me and hot dogs. Because if I don't win, I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know what I'm going to do. I need a win. Guys, it's July, and I need a fucking win. Is this too? Am I pulling

back the veil too much? I love you, guys. Thank you for joining us. My name is Jackie Zabrowski. and you can totally check me out over on Twitch.tv. forward slash, oh, no, it's Jackie, where I do a sex show and I do a fashion show on Tuesdays and Thursdays and you'll watch the back episodes on my Twitch channel, but I also do other twitchy things and most of the time it's with Holden, Holden.

Yeah, dude, Holden Nader's Ho. Check us out, jacking with the holdies. Jacking, for Holies. We rebrand on Friday. We usually do it Friday, but we're not doing it this Friday because I'm going to Vegas, baby, but either way. We catch us normally on that. Monday, Tuesday, Fridays.

And yes, thanks again. I'm going to plug the email one more time. Page 7, podcast at gmail.com, page to the number seven podcast at gmail.com, because I really do use that every single week now, and it's so helpful. And thank you so much, guys. Love the kind words as well.

You guys are the best. Thank. We have the best listeners ever. We do. And are you done, Holden? I am quite done, MJ. Good. Because I'm MJ and I'm MJK LKAT on Instagram.

And they want it. Why? All right. I guess she's won it dead, right? She's dead of a... Put me into a coffin. I love you guys. I'm like to guys next week.

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