Page 7 - Ep. 428: Grimm Badger's Dead Animal Christmas

Episode Date: December 9, 2021

This week we're gossin' 'bout the holiday spirit, Mariah Carey, scissors and a 60 POUND D&G gown extravaganza, Pete Davidson and MGK give a gentlemanly dissertation about the meat dangling between them legs, Jackie Vegas (and Vegas in general), Ree Drummond's what you expected Christmas movie, the status of famous Christmas movie homes, Cardi B's Whip Shots and her feelings towards our current political climate, the holy grail of 3 G's, Goops Gift Guide, going home for the holidays, and in celeb conspiracy corner; Is the Queen DEAD?! Plus a list you can't write off! Special listener Meet Pukes and THE SHOUTS! Want even more Page 7? Support us on Patreon! Patreon.com/Page7Podcast Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0 Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

A roast as dark as the night, perfect for fueling the crypted research and mad ravings required for your podcasting. Don't mind the red eyes. He's just trying to warn you of the bridge. The bridge! Finally, from the caffeine-addled brains of Spring Hill Jack Coffee and Last Podcast on the left, rebring you, Mothman's Red Eye Blend. Yes, delicious Panama beans. Go to lastpodcastmerch.com to order yours today.

I'm a mesmecressma Mesvada wanna hippopotamus to play with and enjoy I can't wait until I can get a direct line to your children's MJ and yours hold it it someday because I'm gonna teach them

the most annoying Christmas song I want a hippo monomac for Christmas and the thing is it's just over and over and everyone's like oh but it's Christmas shoes Christmas shoes is the worst one it's not it's I want a hippopotamus for Christmas

That is the underlying goat of the worst of Christmas. Yeah, also that one that goes, Daddy lick my toes, it's Christmas. Is that one you wrote for Winnie? Because I know you love writing songs about her little toes and her little feet. Daddy, kiss the ground, it's here. Christmas time in a dirty bathtub. Oh, God.

Don't let the water drain till New Year. Christmas is canceled this year. We have decided, I haven't asked you, Holden or MJ, but I have decided for all of us. Holidays are canceled. I'm done for you. You're done? Yeah, I think everybody's done. Are you all done?

Are you all done? You can't steal Christmas. Jackie, by the way, Jackie comes in so hot. And to be in this thing, I'm afraid of her. I'm like, oh, here we goes. It was like to have a locker next to Jackie and old middle school. Oh, God, no, don't, you don't want to have a locker next to Jackie. I was always the one that I would open up the locker and all the shit would fall out.

Right. And it was never like my books or my homework. It was just other things. It was just frogs and like, yeah, all sorts of just different. Yeah, and it's just like, Jackie, I've got, I've got something I already tell you. I've already embraced the Christmas here. We have the tree. We screamed.

Oh, we were so mad when we decorated the tree together that night. But we had to get it done because the very next day, my friend Ben came over and there might just be a matching jammy onesies Christmas photo. Oh, I don't want it. I might get you the Christmas card late. And I told your beautiful wife, I was like, I don't want it. I was like, if I want it, I'll come get it. That's where I'm at with the holiday season.

MJ, check it in. How are you doing? If you were in a Hallmark movie right now, what would it be called? If I'm in a Hallmark movie, I'm definitely like the friend who, like, meets you for coffee. And it's like, I've got a lot to do. I don't really have time. What a work ado bitch. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I'm the workadoo bitch, for sure. You are a workadoo bitch. I'm always saying that about you. Oh, the workadoo bitch? Don't even get me started. I'm the workadoo bitch, but my child, she no longer exclusively will only wear one pair of PJs, but that's great.

It is great, huge progress. But, you know, a lot of times you just have to let go of maybe what, you know, you have to recognize this. This is something that I want. It's not important. I cannot push it. But my child has so many cute Christmas outfits that she won't wear. Just not a one.

Just just. She has probably fucking eight beautiful, wonderful, adorable seasonal outfits that match her sister. No. And sisters down. Sister's like, I'll dress, you can, I'll wear whatever, whatever you put on me. I have no sense of individual style yet. But she's, I mean, to be fair, she's the one that you guys regularly draw. I mean, you gotta keep one of them quiet.

Yeah, one of them's gotta be chill. You gotta have one good cop, bad cop, chill kid, annoying kid. Although chill kid is also chill kid is chill until she's not chill. And then it's like, oh my God. So I would just not describe either of my children. The scary one's always the quiet one in the corner. Yeah. Nobody's chill in my house.

But definitely they're all, they all have an abundance of Christmas outfits they could wear. And we have all matching Christmas jammies. we have not tried to get a group photo in wearing them because the older child will just will not wear them we got these beautiful matching Hanukkah PJs. But wouldn't it be funny to all match

put the one and be like and even be like look extra mean in this way? And let them just be like fussy and stuff too he's will be even funnier and just I don't know I think that'll like tell that tells more of a story. Is that always hilarious when like she's bossy and like really upset?

What I'm very excited for it was picture day yesterday and the older one was like, yeah, we took pictures and, like, they gave us a Santa hat, and it was really fun and cute picture day at school. And so I'm like, and I asked the younger one, I was like, did you get your picture taken? They go to the same school. And the younger one goes, no.

And I was like, really? And she was like, no, no. And I was like, you sure? Did you go into a room? You know, she's two. So she's not, it's not like I trust her per se, but like I was like, did you go into a room like with a big, a light and a camera?

And she was like, no. No, no pictures. And such that we message them. And we were like, did Zelda get her picture taken? And Freddie was like, I was like, did you have like a little Santa hat? Freddie was like, remember Zelda? There was a little Santa hat. And they took pictures.

And she goes, no, no little Santa hat. And then she takes a big pause. And she goes, big Santa hat. And she was playing us. And we like heard back. And they were like, oh yeah, we got her picture taken. But they were like, she refused to smile. We could not make her smile.

She took it very seriously. Yeah. So I don't know what is going to happen. I think one of the children is probably going to be crying, and then the other one's just going to have a very, very serious face with apparently a very large Santa hat on their head. Put them up on the wall. Is that where you're going to put out for your cards this year?

You send our holiday cards with just one pissed off kid, one screaming kid. And you're like, that's what being a parent is. I have yet to send out a holiday card since having children. and not that I did before having children. And every year I'm like, this next year will be the year that I do it. And then it comes and I'm like, that's absolutely not happening. Yeah, I feel like we're going to get ours out for Easter?

I think just in time for the Easter eggs to come rolling around. Remember Christmas? Here's that card. Am I supposed to put cards into envelopes and collect a list of addresses? Like, seriously, how do people do this? I think we have ours recently database, though, from like the wedding. Wedding is smart, yeah. So I think we just kind of throw them out to the wedding.

And you know what? If you move since the wedding, fuck yourself. You're not getting the card. It's coming back to us. Somebody else is going to get it. Yeah. And I love getting Christmas cards.

I'm like, I love it. I hear from friends who I never hear from. It's like such a wonderful, nice thing. And yet every year I'm like, I don't have to do that. Nobody cares about it.

Right. But like, I do care about it. I want it. Yeah. There you go. No, I think that we need to take something, I guess, a page out of Mariah Carey's book. If we need to love Christmas a little bit more,

and we need to get out of, ourselves a hand-beated 60-pound Dulce and Gabana gown. And I think that's really what I'm missing in my life. I think that's how I get into the Christmas spirit. I need a special that's all about me where I stand in one place with a 60-pound gown on with a bunch of men just dancing around me where I don't move. I don't have to look at my children. I have to, I get paid to dip a McNugget into a sweet and sour sauce. I don't have to eat the McNugget. I think that she's really figured out her place and life.

It's beautiful. I feel like they always bury the lead, by the way, or at least in every article about Mariah Carey, there's a little factoid buried deep within that just shows you how much of a psychopath she is. So it came right here with the makeup artist said about her. The Christmas Queen's longtime makeup artist, Christopher Buckle, which by the way, a good name for makeup artist, told Pacex Style. exclusively last year

that once Cary's commitment to a particular look committed to a particular look, there's no going back, quote, I've watched Mariah take scissors and cut a designer beaded gown into a mini dress while it was on her because that's what she wanted to wear, MJ. My thing about Maraicari is that I always...

I'm sure she was very chill about that too. I'm just thinking so funny. Insane person's action. A beaded dress, by the way. It's probably handmade. It has to be a hand-done. The gift that keeps on giving for me about Mariah Carey, with all of these tidbits about what a psychopaths she is,

is also that I always forget what her speaking voice sounds like. And then whatever Jackie does it on the show, it always makes me laugh so hard. But then when we watch this, Mariah Carey McDonald's 12 days of Mariah commercial, her speaking voice is so funny. I am not that far off. I just got to have a dip Oh, you should come over for Mariah's menu.

It's like an old mafia boss. It's not just one thing. It's a whole menu of what I get when I go to McDonald's. And you don't. But please, please do yourself a flavor. Look up the Mariah Carey McDonald's menu. If you haven't seen it, the commercial. It's sad.

It is just so like, for someone that is supposed to be like, I love Christmas. She is the queen of Christmas. Everything that she does is still so steady. And so just like, they're paying me a lot of money to be here. Like, yeah, of course they are. You're Mariah Carey. We know this.

And I can't get enough. Yeah. Jackie described in the email, Jackie said it looks like she has a gun to her back. And it really, it really does. She's like, she, they're playing her song. And she does like a single jazz hand. She's like, I don't want a lot for Christmas. She just is miserable.

Absolutely miserable. I can. can't believe that there is another Mariah Carey Christmas special. So it came out at the end of last week I've not watched it yet because you know what? The last one was also hate to break it to you. Wackluster. I don't understand how she is the complete queen of Christmas when she openly doesn't give a fuck about anybody but herself. And I guess that is what the reason of the season is.

You know what? Yeah. It's only caring about yourself. All right. I, you know, I love to pretend to be this like very giving, you know, what do people say about me, you know, very giving man. Oh, everyone's always saying. Selfless, but you know what? I remember growing up, it was about what was coming my way, if you know what I mean?

It was the what Lego toys and what we were dealing with the action figures and the video games. And, you know, I just, all I did was it was like, giving the gifts was the sort of the toll you had to pay. It was more of a pay toll to me in order to receive the balance. that I would receive that year. And you know what? I like to be out there speaking for the people that don't get their voices heard, all right? Because I know we have to pretend that giving is better than getting. Oh, yeah, I'm sure it is.

Not getting good stuff because Lord knows that's terrible. Oh, no, it's about the feeling you get when you give a gift to someone else. You got to give. Unbelievable. You're a bunch of liars. And you know it right now. Listen into this right now. You're a liar about giving and getting.

You like the getting more than the giving. You're too afraid to just admit it. Honestly, all of it fills me with anxiety. Yeah, that's the thing. I don't really enjoy getting either. It's too much pressure. Yeah, I don't want anything. I honestly don't think I want anything.

I know that I am still very good at giving gifts. But even then, I'd rather give it to someone like, you can open it later. You don't need to open it in front of me. I'm good. Open to the shower, by the way. Open it like where it's just very wet. Get wet in there. Get real wet in there.

And sometimes, you know, that's how we got to sell things. Sometimes you got to be a little bit of a Pete Davidson and a machine gun Kelly. Uh-oh. You got to get out. If you want to talk about reason for the season, it is these two young men in Tidy Whitey's. I don't understand this. To be that confident at that age that they are, and I assume they're 22. Actually, they're both in their late 20s and early 30s.

I'm going to say, not even that old. Even that old. To be that confident with my manhood to do like a live stream and know that people were thirsting about it. You know what I mean? Again, Pete Davidson really got a huge boon with that BDE post with Ariana. I mean, that really changed the whole game for that guy. That changed the course of his whole life. Like, he should be forever grateful to Ariana Grande for Big Dick Energy.

Where would he be? He certainly wouldn't be dating Kim Kardashian. I'll tell you that. No, I'll tell you that. I cannot believe they are dating. It still just kind of blows my mind. I guess I say, God bless it. I think that, you know, they're having a good time.

I hope that they are, and we are referring to, if you guys have not seen this, that Pete Davidson and a machine gun Kelly discussed their penises for a Calvin Klein Instagram ad. Discuss their penis. They discuss their penis. Gentlemenly dissertations. dissertation about the genitals.

I'm sorry, I meant to say, they got him flibing it and flippin'avit. And they'll make them hard. Make him hard. Oh, I can see them. I can see the outline of them. Oh, you're an animal, Jackie. I love a shadow of a cock.

I love a shadow of a cock on Christmas Eve. Please, good Lord. What is happening every year? Finally, finally we got Jackie back, MJ. She's back. The Christmas season, and tried to take her away. I feel like I get to take a little nappy to you.

You got a little drool there. Yeah. Normally wipe it away from my daughters. No, you can't wipe mine away because I bite. I think the problem is that I went to Vegas for the first time this weekend. And I realized that I did immediately fall in love with Vegas that I did make the joke that I wanted to start being called Jackie Vegas. Which I think could definitely be a long lost relative to Jackie Daytona, real human bartender. I feel like, yes, I am.

pitching it right now. So if you write for what we do in the shadows Jackie Vegas is ready to be a vampire. I loved it. I loved Vegas. Did you gamble? No. Yeah, tell me about it. What did you love? I don't drink anymore. But you don't like amusement

parks or water parks and to me Vegas is kind of like the town. Oh no, I love amusement parks. Oh, you love amusement parks. Right, right, right. Yes. So I did, we get, you know, we went to the, like, saw the water show. We went to a little Christmas village

And one thing that I, if you are listening to this, you are ever close to Las Vegas, you must go to Omega Mart. Omega Mart is an art installation warehouse thing That is made by Miao Wolf And I don't want to even, all I knew about it going into it Is that it looks like a grocery store

But everything inside of it has all these insane, like it's very well done of these fake labels. Uh-huh. And what I will say is, that there's lots of exits and entrances into said fake grocery store where a whole alternate dimension lives. Oh, cool. And it was one of the coolest, weirdest, weirdest fucking things I've ever done in my life.

Cool. I can't. I did more of that stuff when I was there. It really, because it was like, it's like an adult amusement park. It really, like, in walking through casinos, because again, I've never really been to a place like this before. So I realized then that it was like, oh, fuck, Vegas is an adult arcade. Yeah.

For people to throw their money around. Where people ruin their lives. People destroy their lives. Unlike the arcade where you just, you lose $5. Yes. You end your whole family's life in a single weekend. I say this as someone that does not gamble. I think that this, I need that, I want to lay that down there.

That Vegas is great if you don't gamble. if you like doing other fun, zany, weird fucking things. Yeah, I mean, it's also great if you gamble. I mean, it's definitely, you know, that is fucking there. Yes, but I guess I just like don't want to be sad. Like, I feel like I'm like, yeah, but then you could be really sad. Yeah, I don't want that. I think you just got to know it to, you know, I went once.

Maybe I'm just always broke. Maybe I'm just a broke person for life. It was fun to, like, put a little bit of money down on a game. Do a couple of stints at the craps table, whatever. You're mostly there for other things, but when in Rome. You know, paying a bunch of Romans. Where someone, like, even sitting down, it was $1,000 just to sit down

at the table. Yeah, no, I don't want that. You were in the high end. Yeah, that's insane. My hometown is a casino town, and, like, that, it was great because it was so cheap. So you could go and be like, I'm going to stay here for four hours,

but my limit is $20, you know? Like, it was like, so you could just, hey, it was like, and then the drinks are free. The soda, at least there, it's not like Vegas. The alcohol is not free, but the soda is free and stuff. And then you pay, like, it was, Dubuque Iowa, so you pay like $2.50 for like, you know, three inches of baker's market. To buy, like, a bottle of liquor.

Yeah. You're like, $2.45. I think you get to buy the bartender for $2.00. She's like, following around, like, making you drink. They're just like, wow, this one's got a, she has a quarter. She has a real quarter. Hey, everybody's got a real quarter. She paid me with one of the quarters.

Yeah, I couldn't believe. That actually used to be my Christmas activity, because I would always go home for Christmas. And then we would always go to the casino. And so I do associate it with like a nice festive time. But it was so low stakes. And I also, even though I like to play card game, I don't really like to play card games. I will play a card game like for fun.

I just like to do, I like to find the biggest novelty slot machine, like the Simpson slot machine or the Wheel of Fortune slot machine and just slowly piss away my $20 and then call it night. Or you see just like a deep faked version of Gene Wilder on a slot machine. and you're like, I bet he would love that. I did a Mad Max Fury Road. Yeah.

For the one I saddled up to one. Yeah, give me the characters. But really what I want it to be is an arc because the slot machines are also kind of boring. I want it to be an arcade game. Like I want to sit down at the Simpsons machine and instead of it being a slap machine, I want it to be like the Simpsons arcade game

from the 90s, you know? Totally. Yes, or what I want is like a danceoff. And I'm not talking to DDR. I want it to be like, okay, that you have, You got to wow the judges, like little mini competitions of me coming in, like, twat, ta, twat, tu, twat, whatever.

And then, like, and everyone showers me with praise. Dance off, a soup, swim. You got to just swim across a giant bowl of soup fast. You got to be soup and me if you're going to invite me to a soup, swim. It depends. How many croutons? What kind of soup are we talking?

We're talking to stoop. Are we talking about regul? Oh, we're talking about sheep crab. Oh, we're talking about sheep. She crab. Yeah, whatever. You're out of you. No Rachel Ray's allowed.

This is a, this is a, this is a, This is a re-drum-in show, Jackie. Damn straight. And, man, the reviews for that re-drummed Christmas movie are a light with not getting what you really want from. This is exactly what you would assume it is. Oh, Peppermint Hollow? You mean the town set in Peppermint, the movie set in Peppermint Hollow? It's a small little town.

Today I watched the Pioneer Woman episode where she talks. about her Christmas recipes that she's making this year and plugs the movie. And it's very depressing. I'm sad for her. It's not heartwarming. It's just sad. But, you know, I guess I'm happy for her. It's a good for her. I guess it is a good for her. I mean, it's no Mariah money, but, you know, Mariah is going to soon have to be wrapped back up into her little Christmas package and nestled into her cryogenically frozen little coffin. And then she'll be back. It's a coffin.

Yeah, she's cocooned and like gauze to keep her skin on her correctly. Oh, she's covered in lotion. Yeah, yeah. Now what would you guys, I don't know how you guys felt about the article that I sent y'all about, this is all over the place this year specifically, that a lot of the homes from different epic Christmas movies, you can now rent out and stay inside of, like the Home Alone House, which of course the Mimi's that come around every year.

Yeah, that would be great. How, what did this guy do that he could afford to take everybody to France? It's like, I still don't understand it. I don't know. And how like, oh, Home Alone would be so different now, right? With phones? Like, yes, I know. It would be different.

A whole different ballgame now, yes. The Meebies are right. But would, I don't know if I'd want to stay in the Home Alone house. I would. That house rules. That house looks like the perfect, like, American home. Yeah, it's like the best thing about watching that movie. Yeah, you're like, oh, man, what a fun home to grow up in.

It's got, like, just all the right space and everything, big living room and multiple floors. Also, it's fucking $25 per night for the whole house. That makes no sense to me. That makes me feel like a taunted. It's nice. I think it's haunted. A, I think it's either haunted or B, do they set it up so that a short and a tall, do attack you in the middle of the night.

I was going to say, I would be waiting for that. It'd be fun to get to pay to be that. So you either pay to be the guest or you pay to invade the home. It could be like escape the room, which, you know, but instead of escape the room, it's like, yeah, exactly.

Invade the house and kill the man who lives. You know what I mean? Do you want to be Kevin or do you want to be Joe Pesci? I will legally opt to be murdered if it does happen. They set a bunch of traps up. you sign away all the liabilities of it or whatever, and just see what goes down.

I mean, come on, it's time for true life war games, you know, true most dangerous games. We can do this with these home reenacted. I think we already have that with McCamey Manor. I think that that does exist, that crazy haunted house where people, like, the extreme one where people like sign a waiver that's like, if I die, my family can't sue.

Yeah, this is like a silly version of that. Oh, it's the silly version. Oh, okay. I mean, silly version. My only complaint about Home Alone is that it is so violent that I actually don't enjoy watching like the second half of the movie. I think it's not fun.

I think it's disturbing. And I don't want like a giant paint can to be swung into my head. Like I even, oh, it just is like viscerally unpleasant to watch that portion of the movie. Or the iron to the face. Yeah. I like loved it.

I just definitely wanted to hurt a couple of men in that fashion when I was a boy. Yeah. Is it a controversial? controversial opinion to say that I think I like the second one better. I've seen the second one a lot. It's the same movie, but yeah, yeah. It is what it's not as violent.

It is in New York. There's the turtle doves with the pigeon lady. I like the weird, you know, there's the nice, creepy toyman that is technically nice, but I think that I would be scared. I just remember watching that movie with my mom and her being like, but you never trust that person. You never trust that person. If you see a person at a toy store and they give you something special, you never trust

that person. And like, that's what goes in my brain when I watch Home Alone 2. Yeah. Well, I like Home Alone one more because it doesn't have a man in it that ruined our lives for the most part. That's the thing. I've been wanting to rewatch Home Alone too, but I keep being like I can't because of Trump. But I think that they might have taken him out of the streaming version. He has, yes.

So my goal this year, because I watched Home Alone one for the last several years and made Gideon watch it. And I was like, so when are we going to watch Home Alone this year? and he was like, why don't we do Home Alone too? And so that's what we're going to do instead of, in lieu of Home Alone. You know, it's tough. When Gideon's out of the high, he has Night Court tomorrow, so I was excitedly planning the show.

Oh, awesome. Is the judge of magician? Yes, and is the ball there. Oh, my dad! Yeah, dude! I can't believe he gets to go to Nightcourt. That's my favorite place. They're so funny.

Everybody's got quips and stuff. There's magic tricks. I love it. The present you just gave us, MJ. How much fun is Gideon having at night? I think it might be slightly less fun in real life. But I was like, this is perfect. Well, you're gone.

I'll watch the family stone, a movie you'll never watch with me again. I think I'm going to watch that one this year. Don't watch it by yourself, MJ. Well, I certainly can't watch it with my husband because he will not watch it again. I made him watch it a couple years ago, and he was like,

are we doing this? What is, what, why would anyone watch this movie at the holidays? It's so not even remotely holiday. People who love to be sad. Melancholic individuals, such as myself and Jackie. That me too. I love to be sad. Yeah, I am going to watch it.

That's what I'm going to do this week. I'm going to watch that alone. I've got all my sad ones that I watch alone for the holidays and I'll sit and I'll watch it's a wonderful life and just be like, uh, uh, uh, uh, Buffalo guys Has she come out of a guy I feel like every year my mother cried at some point

during the Christmas season and I think it was always something she did I feel like against her will you know what I mean? She was just trying to have the another year of perfect holidays and it always became too overwhelming and I say you know

this is way healthier we know that crying will happen it's not a surprise for us so we just let it out through these filmic experiences essentially you got it yeah such as Taylor Swift's all too well

That's why I said film experience. Thank you. Thank you. You're welcome. Sorry everybody out there, but it's true. Okay, she's the greatest and I love her. But anyways, I wish we could just be her, right? The three of us could live in her head, like that TV show Herman's head.

No, you know what I want to be? I want to be, Jennifer Coolidge, because apparently this new movie, single all the way, is very good. And it is supposed to be, like, it is exactly what we've been asking for, which I want to, with that Christmas. I was about to say this is Greeks of the same thing all over again. I think that this one's actually a good one. It seems like it might actually be a good one because Jennifer Coolidge is in it. Kathy and Jimmy is in it.

And it seems like it's one of those movies where it's not just like, but did you see it's a homosexuals holiday movie? It's like, no, it is just a wrote, funny, like regular holiday movie, which is exactly what we need. I was saying this about the new Ghostbusters movie of like, Like when we can have characters where it's not like, but did you see, they're homosexual, where it's like, no, it's just a movie. It is just a holiday movie.

It is not like shoving it down your throat, but I also haven't seen it yet. Well, see, I like puppets. So I'm really looking forward to Grim Badgers Dead Animal Christmas. They've got a dead dog in there. They've got a dead rat. It's going to be great. I don't think that you are. And they sing songs about what it's like in the afterlife and how sad it is to no longer get to enjoy the pleasures.

of a live Christmas. For half a second, I thought you were talking about Emmett Otter's jug band Christmas and I was like, go to hell Holden.

That's getting his favorite Christmas show. Emmett Otter we watched last year. We watched it last year it's so good. I mean, it's so, it just feels like home. It feels like a soup swim.

Speaking of soup, swim, we are going to be souping and swimming next Thursday when we watch Muppet Christmas Carol all together. Cool. And that's gonna be sick

as she. I said it. It came out of my mouth. That's the promo for it. Chee-I. Yeah, get your Shiite ready for December 16th where we all watch Muppet Christmas. We need to have a signature cocktail based on do they drink anything in the movie that we can turn into a cocktail. We're going to have, I guess we'll have jelly beans. We can have, definitely have jelly beans. Like Rizzo when he loses his jelly beans.

Yeah, we have to have like a goose, like a, like a road. Yeah, we can have a Christmas goose. No cheeses for us, Mises? We can have cheese. We'll do cheese for sure. Well, actually, we won't do cheese because there's no cheeses for us in Mises. No, you have no cheeses because Lex's, well, babies dairy cream.

It's all fake cheese. Every meal I make has fake cheese in it now. Yeah. Woo! I love it! Now I'm looking at Christmas Carol drinks because I feel like we definitely have to have... There's definitely the Penguin Christmas skating party. I'm sure they have hot chocolate and stuff,

I feel like there must be so. We have to cultivate. Maybe we can crowd source this. Oh, what about the smoking bishop? The smoking bishop is a classic example of a Victorian mold punch. And that is what? A merry Christmas ball, my good fellow, that I have given you for many a year. I'll raise your salary and endeavor to assist your struggling family.

And we will discuss your affairs this very afternoon over a Christmas bowl of smoking bishop. Jackie, that sounds delicious as long as we could talk. it with a little bit of vodka-infused whipped cream a la Cardi. Cream. Creamits. What are they called Whippets? They're not called Whippets, but it sounds like whippets. Whip shots?

They may as well be called Whippets. I don't know if I want any of Cardi B's alcoholic whipped cream. I am trying to... Imagine puking from getting drunk on whipped cream. Can you imagine how sick you would feel? Whip shots. Whip shots. It's called whip shots.

Yeah. Cardi B. I don't... It can't. It can't have enough booze in it to get you hammered. No, but when you add it to, it's like adding white claw to like a vodka, to vodka, you know what I mean? It's like white claw is pretty sweet.

Thank God that white claws were not around when I was young enough to do that. I think I've done it before. I did it a couple times and I was upside down and cross-eyed by like two of them. You know what I mean? It just, when you add an alcoholic thing, a very alcoholic thing to another alcoholic thing is when you double triple up. And I'm sure teenagers aren't going to want to get their hands on vodka infused whipped cream. That's like to be the first thing that a bunch of teens would want at a teenage party

that their parents don't know they're at. And then they're going to get high on whippets. This is the thing. It's like, you have to know, obviously, this bitch knows about whippets. She is making like a formula for teens to do whippets. And I, yeah, I don't personally like, canned whipped cream. And so I think that the idea,

I love alcoholic things, but I'm pretty grossed out by the idea of alcoholic whipped cream. But I also, weirdly, like, if you ask me, like, do you want whipped cream on your, like, festive, seasonal spiked hot chocolate? I would be like, no. But if you said, do you want Cardi B's alcoholic

whipped cream on it, I will say yes. Yeah, of course. I definitely want to try it. It sold out in three seconds. Yeah. When it was released. How crazy. I mean, that's the thing.

I feel like Cardi B is definitely, you know, up there. I'm surprised at Mariah Carey. I feel like if you did something like that and anywhere near Mariah Carey that you would get like a cease and desist of like you're not allowed to make anything and sell anything in the month of December because it's my month. Right? Yeah. Yeah. I just love. It does feel very Mariah Carey, but better.

In this L article that I sent you guys, which also, is talking about Cardi B was just also named Playboy's first ever creative director, as well as selling these whip shots. But in it, of course, they had to include her quote on how she feels about President Joe Biden. And I just don't understand why she's asked in the middle of this article about how she feels about President Joe Biden. And I think that what is crazy about Cardi B is how she responds, is, like, technically, a snapshot of how a lot of our country feels about the president. Which is vaguely disappointed, but yeah.

She's like, he's trying to mess. It's a really best up situation. Oh, there's a lot of things going on in the United States, but there's a lot of things going on everywhere right now. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, Cardi. I know. There's a lot of things going on everywhere.

I think, but remember, she was, like, really into Bernie Sanders and she actually, like, does understand and follow politics and can, like, definitely does. You know, like, I actually feel like I loved her interview with Bernie and like she, but like Biden, there's just not that much to say, like, Cardi B and Bernie was like this like incredible dream team where I was like what can you say? It's just like, yeah, I mean, we're a pandemic. And he's not doing a great job. That's the funny thing about the backlash is like we don't, yeah, we don't have Biden flags.

Like we don't fucking give his shit in that way. Right, right. Most, most liberal slash left, especially left people are like, I'm going to criticize him still too. So all the brand and stuff or whatever, you're just like, yeah, dude, go ahead, go for it. In fact, just say, fuck Biden, I don't care. No, and I'm more meant of the fact of, like, this is an article where she screamed about Playboy and about alcoholic, whipped cream. She shouldn't be someone that is asked, I just don't know why it's in this article when we're just talking about whipped cream and Playboy. She's wording whipped, alcoholic, whipped cream in her mouth. She's like, Biden should be doing more in terms of investing in universal.

health access. She went straight from going like, I'm pretty cool with Biden into sex appeal. I love that. I'm a wild girl. That's what I want for the brand. I would have conversations that people are afraid to have. I want beautiful women. When I think a playboy, I think back of the day playboy. I want to bring that back. And Biden, you know what? He's getting out there. He's really doing some policies. What is even happening? None of this is about rap music either, which is, you know, there's none of that going on anymore. No one does the thing they do anymore. They all do other things. You sound like somebody's very very. out of touch dad, Holden.

I'm in a vortex now. I'm in a vortex now. When I was young, the singer used to sing. He used to sing a song. The man in the banjo playing the banjo. And the guy is going to be like, we get it. Worked to the voting machine. Well, then I can't believe what I want to hear.

What is coming out of my mouth right now? I, I, you sound like William Shatner all of a sudden. Manic. I don't know what to tell you, Jackie, about the next segment. I'm talking about how Star Trek. I want to know how you feel about Goop. That's what I was saying. I was trying to segue into Goop's shit house gift guide that she puts on her fucking

Liz every year of things that talk about out of fucking touch. It drives me bonkers. And again, come hang out on Twitch. com. Oh, no, it's Jackie. Because I am trying to be the anti-goop. I want to be the opposite of this where self-care is not just

for very rich people and you don't need $250 baby socks. The baby socks? Pese, passe, weekly baby socks $240. Baby socks on the gift guy.

By far the most infuriating thing is the baby sex because... Yeah, that is so useless. I don't know. I thought the, what was the one I was complaining about the $55,000 bubble gum gym. $55,000 for a child's gym that, I mean, they're largely going to be sick of, I would say, within about a few months to a year. I mean, please. It's a gym's house. It's a Bill's house. If I saw this. $55,000 on a bubble gum gym. If I saw a picture of this gym on an Instagram ad, I would definitely be like, I want it. It looks like, you know, it's like a little slide and ladder thing. I have a thing.

kind of like it that I bought because there was a targeted Instagram ad, but it costs like, mine costs like 200 bucks, and this one costs $55,000. And, you know, that's just like very much as much as a house in a small town. And I can't believe that this phrase, talk about what we were just like the opposite of what we were talking about with Pete Davis in earlier. Goop actually does say that this bubble gum gym has rich mom energy. Isn't that what everybody is like? looking for in being a parent?

Take me so you could take a rich mom in there and bang her out with your big dick. Yeah, your big dick energy. Yep, and then you're doing this in the bubble gum gym, Miss Harley heat. Why don't we do it on the bed? Shut up. I got rich mom energy. Are you Mariah Carey?

No, don't worry about it. Or you got to spend $50 for 11 strawberries that were grown in a vertical farm by bees and AI robots. Only $50 for, for 11 strawberries. That's, ah, pocket change. I got rich mom energy.

There's also an airplane seat cover, which is like, it's not even that expensive, but it's such a goop thing to do to be like, I don't touch airplane seats. I bring my own airplane seat, and I put it over top of the existing airplane seat. Yeah, that's not going to look ridiculous. You lumbering over the airplane seat

while people are trying to just get through and put their bags in the upper head. And there's this lady over here, blocking the aisle, trying to cover her seat. It's not big enough. Or it's too big, because how is there a uniform size for the airplane seat cover? And by the way, I'm going to assume it's first class size. It's got to be first class.

There's no way it's other. Because I think that's part of where my negative energy is coming from about the holidays. The fact of like traveling right now is such a horrible shit show nightmare. And then on top of it, holiday travel because you guys don't have to travel during the holidays. Yeah. Yeah. I want to eat your soul. I want to absorb your souls.

At least this holiday. I think it's going to change after this year, but I get one holiday off because fuck that. Dude, and our friends recently flew with a baby and everything they told me just reconfirmed my absolute terror and fear. I mean, MJ, what was the earliest?

Did you fly with your children? I have never flown with my children. They were only, you know, they were so young when the pandemic started. We hadn't even had the chance. Oh, yeah, you didn't want to get them onto a plane, take them somewhere, exactly. I had a big ambitious plan to be like to go my college, my friends college reunion that I was going to crash.

Also my college, just not my year, was going to be June 2020. And like several of my best friends live in the Twin Cities. And I was like, I'm going to take these two children on a play. That's going to be awful. But I was like so excited to be like, we're going to do something. We're going to go somewhere. But now I haven't. I don't know when I will.

And it's going to be an absolute absolute absolute. Wait until they're in middle school. I think just wait. I think they don't need to go. Honestly, I think that's the... They won't remember. That's the first time I flew, I think, was... I was in middle school.

But, I mean, we were lucky enough to have, you know... We did road trips down to Florida to visit the family that was far away, and that was reasonable. It was like a 10, 8 hour, 12 hour drive, whatever. And then we had the, you know, and the rest of the family was around. And I just didn't even, you know, I just think it's insane. I think everyone... You know what, everyone?

Staycation. You all get one. I'm letting you all stay. home this Christmas. Wow, thank you, Alden. And if you want me to send a staycation card to your loved ones that are expecting you to fly to them this holiday season, I will.

I can't, Alden gave me this gift. Yeah, here you go, here's my staycation card. I will send it to them myself and I will put some nude photos of myself in there just to kind of show that it's really me. That's good. I want to make sure. I want it to be full body shots here.

Sure, sure. Hopefully laying upside down, we should get you one of those, the chairs where you strap your feet. Eden. Well, I'm going to do some Photoshop stuff. I'm going to Photoshop my face to my knees and do some things that make people be like, oh, wow, that's a human that couldn't exist in real life, you know what I mean, do some kind of fun stuff like that, really freak them out. And then I'll start circling their house, right, and start knocking on different windows.

Yeah, different parts of my house. And I'll be like, I'm the guy who sent the card. I'm the guy who sent the car. It's the staycation man. It's the staycation man. I think I love the staycation man. Like, I feel like, Part of me is filled with fear, but part of me. I'm like, but that's my relief. That's your relief. But I need this daycation, man, to come to my house and grace my presence with this vacation.

McCamey Manor all over. Yeah, yeah, well, that's my new thing I'm doing just for Christmas, just for the holidays. See, I was always, I really was always, I used to not be the work-a-day bitch in the Hallmark movies. I used to be the bitch that was happy to go home for the holidays. I was always like, take me to my little small town. I'm going to walk around in my festive scarf, and I'm going to wave. and I'm going to see everyone and everyone will know me and I'll know everyone.

And I really loved it. And I haven't been back home in years and years and years. My parents don't live there anymore. We live out here. And so I don't have the excuse to go back home. And I actually like I like it and I miss it. And I'm kind of jealous that Jackie's going back home for the holidays. But I know it's Florida.

And I know I shouldn't be jealous. Yeah, you want to go with? You want to go with her? You know, I love Florida. I'm a holiday away from the kids. I'm a Florida man. I love Florida. See how much fun it is.

I know, I know. I know my eclipse of Florida is like not your Florida. My Florida is like I'm in Key West not surrounded by conservative people. Right, right. I'm going to come back, I'm going to be covered in camouflage, and I'll be like, you can't see me anymore. And I think that that's what I need. Who is that anyways? Well, I do have at least a holiday theme conspiracy, a celebrity conspiracy for you guys.

Hit me with the share. Do you believe? Is the queen dead? I love this. Yeah, let's get into it. This is the holiday conspiracy. Did you know that the queen owns all the dolphins? That was another thing that I've recently read.

So maybe that's how she died. Maybe the dolphins rose up, their royal fish, and that she owns all of the dolphins. Sexually assaulted her for fun because we all know that's the one fact about dolphins that we all know. It's what they do. All right, here we go. It's true. It is a true thing.

They found, and they literally found recently a actual dolphin casting couch deep under the original. What is that they figured out of us? They paid them $50. Yeah. They have their home version of Hollywood where they, you know, they've been making movies just to do the casting couch thing, too. That's the only reason why they make the movies.

Anyways, because dolphins, we all know what they do for fun. All right, let's get into it. This one comes from Jamie who says, long time fan of the pod and writing in with a celebrity conspiracy that friends of mine from the UK have me convinced. is 100% true. So I love this is sources from the UK. It's been in the news that Queen Elizabeth

has been missing royal duties and slash events and has been kept in the hospital overnight for, quote, routine visits. But we think the UK government is covering up the fact that the queen is already dead. Evidence! One, have I shocked and terrified you yet, Jackie? Whatever.

Yes. One. The Queen had been hospitalized overnight and no press release would give details as to why she needed to be hospitalized just that everything was fine. and the queen would be returning to the palace. Two, an article gets released to the press

from the royal press office that says, quote, the queen has entered a new phase, and she may not be seen in public until February. Sounds like she's a robot. I did see this. Or she's becoming a lizard. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Will she emerges a lizard. She's shedding. Not seen until February. 2A. Part of this announcement is an explanation of why Kate Middleton has been showing up to events to take the place of the queen as royal representative.

Three, the UK government can't slash won't derail the Christmas and New Year's holidays. This is where things get really interesting. I did not know these. These are a little fun list style facts. Okay. As my UK friends have explained, it is a big deal when the monarch dies. The entire country is required to go into a 12-day-long morning period. Whoa.

During that time, the BBC is legally banned from playing any comedy slash comedic show on television. They have to shut down the London Stock Exchange for 24 hours. after the death has been announced. It would be chaos during the holiday season. So they're just biting their time right now to February, right? Whoa. And also, I never knew that. I didn't know that that's so fascinating to me

that they have to go into a required morning. It sounds like some North Korea shit. Four, the Royals and the UK Parliament can't seize an amazing moment of hilarity for the history books. 2021 marks the 69th year of Queen Elizabeth's reign. So to keep them from having 69 equaled with the Queen Forevermore,

they're waiting for 2022, they could say the rain was 70 years long. Five, this could be the end of British royalty as we, they know it. Charles remains unpopular as heir to the throne in future king. No one likes Camilla and would be furious if she became queen-slash-consort. Will and Kate also took a big hit with the allegations from Megan and Harry, and since the death of Princess Diana, the anti-royalty stance in the UK has remained a strong undercurrent in the population's mind. In conclusion, I don't know if they are full on pulling a weekend at Bernice with the queen,

and she's going to appear at functions where they have her on some frozen ice crypto chamber in Westminster Abbey just waiting on the announcement after the new year. But I'm fully convinced the Queen Elizabeth has sadly left this world already and it's one big cover-up from the Royals and the UK government. Okay, just want to say my sister Aaron and I love the podcast

and we always have our own discussions after every episode. Best wishes for everyone for the holidays and keeping amazing. Love you guys. Thanks. Thanks. Thank you, Jamie. That's so nice. Wow. All right. What do you think? much, but also I believe. I believe, bros.

I absolutely believe. But what a great, great conspiracy theory because what a funny reason to keep her death a secret to just be like, can't shut down the stock market. I mean, wouldn't you? It's crazy, though. To do that right around the holidays, yeah, exactly. It's like everything else we put off.

Because once you enter December, I mean, it's kind of done. And I can't believe the 12-day morning period thing. And the whole, like, not, the craziest fact is not. being allowed to put comedy on television. That's so weird. Antiquated. What a weird-ass thing about Britain. Does Bake Off count?

Do, do... Maybe. I mean, it definitely is. I would say it's like a comedic bent on a reality. What about Taskmaster? I need my Taskmaster. Done and done not available. If you're in Britain. Queen Elizabeth, you better stay a fuck alive.

I need these things. She needs it. Well, good. Well, then you are happy. about the conspiracy, Jackie. I'm happy. Thank you, England. Fantastic. And MJ, of course, you also endorse this whole heart.

Absolutely believe. Yeah, keep a secret. Put her, you know, I do wish it was more like weekend at Bernie's than the... Yeah. That they drag her out and like to go... Blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, it's new faces. Maybe she's like...

So I'm ringing my cold games. New face to me is like an anime sounding that like she's going to come out as like an android or something like that with like lasers coming out of her eyes or something fun like that. But that would be sick as shit. And then be like, oh, we're going to be an... ally again. We're the superpower now, dogs. It's a great euphemism for just becoming very old. If she's not dead, the idea that she's in a new phase is just like, the new phase

is a phase where you just can't really go anywhere. Yeah, the new phase, you mean there's the dying phase? Like, this is the new thing. No, she's back in her egg. She's got to get back into the egg so that she gets covered into her young slime. And then she'll come back out in 30 years. Lady Gaga. There you go.

There you have it. She foretold the prophecy with that red carpet egg. bit that she did. The egg egg. That is what it's going. That's what she's going to turn into as well. Transitions. I think that she's going to be, I think she's got to get out of that egg. There you go.

Well, beautiful. Well, that's the conspiracy theory. Jackie, do you have some sort of a thing that comes in different parts that is sort of ordered in a certain way that one would say like read off, like a recipe would be read off? Do you have anything like a food processor? Yeah, like a food processor. Jackie.

I'm not talking. To the food processor. No, it's time for the list. Who's on the list? Yay, gotta have that list. 14 characters who were written off of their shows for wild reasons. Now, the thing is that I've read a million hundred lists. And there are actually ones on here that I did not know about.

I didn't know that Steve Corel left the office because no one asked him to stay. Weird. Corell was perfectly happy to keep on playing Michael Scott after. his original seven season contract was up, except that NBC's new higher-ups didn't know an awful lot about the office and never even tried to sign him up for more seasons. So he just kind of let it go.

And I imagine if, like, you need a little bit of a fucking break that you're like, well, they ain't asking. Wow. I ain't gonna pressure. This is very upsetting. Maude Flanders from the Simpsons. Died because Fox are cheapskates. Actress Maggie Roswell asked for a pay raise

From 15 to 2,000 an episode To 6,000 an episode Fox offered her $150 Not even enough for Roswell to commute From Denver to L.A. to record her lines So she quit and the show killed off Maud And good for you, Maggie Roswell, fuck yeah Because like you know how much other people

Are getting paid on that fucking show You should get a pay pump You're there for that long, and then they killed her off. This is another one. This makes me think of the Thanksgiving Day parade now. Yeah. Because if we remember the Thanksgiving Day parade, all of the steves from Blue's Clues, for some reason,

sang together on a flonicle. But why did the original Steve leave Blue's Clues? He left because he was going bald. He says, I refuse to lose my hair on a kid's TV show. And that's why Steve left to go to college. at the height of the show's popularity. That's dumb, Steve. Put a hat on.

Those kids were counting on you. Put a hat on. Shave your head. I truly don't understand it. Put a hat on. Yeah. Everything looks great. It's blue's clothes.

Put a baseball hat on. And now you have the nerve to come back. I know it's like difficult for lighting, but put it backwards. And then he comes back and then everyone cries because he's like, oh, I never forgot you. You left for vanity, Steve. Yeah. And that's which, you know, I guess if he had the bunny, you can go. This one.

Holden and I, We're just talking about Power Rangers on talking TV yesterday. This is another thing that I did not know. Wow. The Blue Power Ranger quit because of onset homophobia. Damn. David Yoss, the original Blue Power Ranger, just walked off the set one day,

sick and tired of the abuse he got for being gay. I was called the F-sler one too many times, he said. I had just heard that several times while working on the show from creators, producers, writers, directors. Like, that's why, like, this list, I was like, I did not know lots of these things. This is a disturbing list. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is my kind of list. Yeah, and now I did know about Lisa Bonnet on the costume. Yeah, I like it when it's disturbed, like that band that sucks. And this now makes, unfortunately, like, the whole story is so much weider, Lisa Bonnet, that got, she was, I believe, encouraged to quit, but definitely fired because Cosby thought that she was too rebellious for his fictional daughter, especially after her sex scene in Alan Parker's

Angel Heart. So then Denise Luxible just started appearing less and less and less until Cosby just fired. I just will always never, forever more trust a person who is like weird and anal about clean cuttiness and other people being clean as possible. And it's always they end up in the hotel room with the meth addicts got, you know what I mean, or whatever it is. And then in Cosby's case, a way worse situation.

I mean, it's just come on. I mean, it's the biggest red flag in the book. You know what I mean? That's why it's hard for me to hear. And it's like, I guess I have to assume they have kids or something.

They say like, gosh or freaking a lot and stuff. You know what I mean? Like it's hard for me to hear it because I'm like, are you evil? Are you secretly evil? Oh yeah, no, it does. And I know that like some people are just raised that way,

raised to not say like those kind of things, but it does give me pause. Yes. Come on, frickin is funny. I say fricking a lot. Sure. Sure. I mean, you're also around kids a lot.

I mean, I'm saying it's not, it's not good that I do that. I'm saying that it just does, I innately have a weird knee-jerk response because I just don't trust anyone who is clean, who's got clean hands. Yeah, no, but that's fair. hands, but they'll always have a dirty ass. My grandmother told me that right before she blew her brain.

Her grandma's real upset now, right now. She can hear with you, by the way. She's listening and she's like, first one and say that. The second one, I never blew my face. Oh, my goodness. There you. And on. Last but not least.

Man after my own heart, Mandy Patinkin, don't even get me started. My mom and I both feel exactly the same way about him, which is, get in my bed. You thought I was going to say belly. Mandi Patinkin wasn't comfortable in criminal minds. That's the catchphrase. Of course, we thought he was in the same belly. The catchphrase is that from Austin Powers 2 or 3 or whatever. Fat bastard from Austin Powers would say that over and over again in the movie.

So yes, of course we naturally assumed you're going to save the phrase. Uh-oh. We hitting weird. Are we hitting the weird hour? Mandy Patinkin. Wasn't comfortable in criminal minds, so he just stopped showing up.

Butinkin regretted signing up for a show with so much violence, particularly against women. So when the cast got back together for season three, he wasn't there to play Jason Gideon. CBS announced some days later that Patinkin would be leaving. He just didn't show up.

I was like, I don't want to do it anymore. That's great. I'm done. I'm good. Good for you. I love that. Okay. Yeah, I'll be an ego, Montoya.

Oh, oh, my buddy. Dry it up. It's dry. I'm dry. It's the holidays. I'm dry. Don't worry about that. Like a nice crisp white wine.

Red, rather. Yeah. Yeah, I give you a heartburn. Dry and robust. Where do we do? Is the list still happening? What's going on? No, the list is done,

and now we have a special segment from Holden McProoney. Meat Pukes. Do do, do, do, do, do, do, Meat Putes. When you're trying to heck up you get too drunk and puke happens and you're out of luck

It's a meat puke. Yeah, the blind items are a little dry this week, a little slow this week. You're talking about my slow. Yeah, absolutely. What wasn't slow was the, slew of meat pukes I got. Now I asked for permission to read out all these.

I still think I might just use the first initial of everybody's names. I really appreciate it by the way, guys. We asked for meat pukes and y'all delivered. Absolutely amazing. There were so many I had to cut them down. So if I did ask you permission to read yours and I don't read it, I'm so sorry

but it's just in the interest of time. There were just so many. But we couldn't not read some of that. Like there was so amazing. Thank you guys so much for sending. And you're meat pukes. It's great. We asked, did you delivered? We'll start with one of my favorites from Jay. Again, I think I'll just use the first letter because why not? I mean, we don't need to read it.

Do I need to say your name for you to feel happy? I mean, think about what the implications of that are, if that's the case. I think it's for the best just in case. So that no one gets, you know, it's like, oh, I wish you hadn't said that story. You know. Exactly. But they did give me permission to tell their tale. This is from Jay, one of my favorites.

It's back in 2016, I went to a Halloween rave. My friends and I ended up getting some bad molly, and I spent the majority of the show, puking in the bushes at the front entrance of the venue. By the way, I just want to say, you're all animals, and you're all lucky to be alive, and I'm glad you're alive, but you're animals. I'm glad you were alive to send it the meat pukes.

Luckily, I made it back in my group in time to see Martin Garrick, that was the person who was performing at the rave. Later, I stood next to a guy, and together we were mesmerized by the show. I watched this guy out of the corner of my eye, Puck in his hand and then dump said Puk in the pocket of his hot dog Halloween costume. Oh, now that is a baller move. I was thinking, surely I did not see that right and shifted my attention to him.

He had no idea he was rolling so hard. And once again, I watched him puke into his hand and shove said Puk. And to the opposite pocket this time. Opposite pocket. Right? Why not? Well, at least it's even. Spread it out.

I was thoroughly disgusted. He ended up hanging out with us after the show. where we all ate more Molly and went to the saddest strip club in my state. It's his rave relish, that's all it is. If you're dressed as hot dog and you ain't covered in relish, you gotta make your own.

He bought me my first lap dance and we exchanged numbers and socials. I'll be honest, I completely forgot about the puke thing by the time we left the rave. We just celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary. No shit. Oh my God. He's my person and I'm so lucky to have

old puke pockets as my husband. I forgot to me. that the costume did come off as we were leaving the rave, so no, he didn't wear his puky hot dog suit into the strip club. Well, I guess at least there's that. But how amazing is that?

Oh, my God. I love that. It turns so quickly. It's just like, a disgusting thing happened. And anyway, we've been married for four years. A few of these are like that. It's so great,

because you can't actually tell your real story, too, to your, like, family. Like the wedding speeches or whatever. Like, when I met you, you just can't tell this actual story. because it was like I was puking on Molly and I saw my future husband shove his own vomit. From B.

Back when I was showboat and 16 year old, I first started dating N, who has always been sober. We went to a party with his cool aunt and uncle in an artsy loft in Pimona, California. Me and his sister, my best friend. Didn't know anyone at the party, but me and C made our way. I didn't say their first name.

I think you say their first name. I think that's okay. Back when I was a showboat and 16 year old when I first started dating Nick, who has always been sober, we went to a party with his cool aunt and uncle an artsy loft in Pomona, California. Me Nick and his sister, my best friend.

Didn't know anyone at the party, but me and Christina made our way to the table covered in liquor, and like any 16-year-old with no real drinking experience, proceeded to pour ourselves solo cups of half vodka, half cranberry juice. We were maybe instantly drunk, and the rest of the night was a blur.

After a dizzying night, wandering the party and whispering to Christina that I felt self-conscious for being drunk in front of Nick, we left the party and I insisted on, proving I wasn't drunk to the adult relatives who bought us there and to Nick by walking the curb to administer a self-sobriety test. And you guessed it, I did eat shit and rip my jeans by skinning my knee in a parking lot. The pinnacle of embarrassment came from in the form of a puk moment on this now

infamous outing when I, but when I loudly asked Nick's uncle to not let him have sex with me because I was now admitting I had in fact been drinking. Nick, Angel Saint, sober, all around good guy, and definitely not a threat as a potential assailant was mortified and assured both me and his aunt and uncle who helped me in the car that he had no intention of taking advantage of me. Oh, my God. Are they still together?

I don't, I think so, maybe. I hope so. At least, you know. Well, I hope that y'all are. From Jay. Jay played beer pong at a college party with his now wife as the setup to this story. Later on in the night, quote,

but my wife came looking for me and found me in the tiny bathroom downstairs and described the scene as a Barf Snow Globe. I apparently had vombed all on all of the walls and was on my knees looking bewildered in the middle of it, being the wonderful person she is. She cleaned the bathroom up while I cried about it. She still talks about the Snow Globe to this day 14 years later.

I love, and by the way, there's still together, and I love that he cried the whole time. Oh, that's so funny. That is totally something I would do, like, just cry. Oh, sorry. while the other person cleaned up your mess. I'm sorry. Just that, the entire time.

We're like, I know you're sorry. Yeah, exactly. This is from E. E had like four stories. I'm going to tell the first. It's the cutest one. The other ones I just want to say, E, you got to get it together.

There's way too many me puke's happening. I definitely have more than one, so I'm with you, E. I mean, you know, we've all been young. It's so funny too. This is one of those ones who was like, this should have been a scary situation, ended up being weirdly gross and cute.

It was my 15th birthday, and I'm one of those neglected children who single parents didn't give a shit where I was, so I was drinking. I was at a house party with the keg in a bathtub of ice, which seems like a good idea, but really fucking isn't

because when there's only one bathroom. Or especially when there's only one bathroom. Oh, yeah. So I'm outside on the sidewalk, puking up cheap beer and birthday tacos, and my friends stole my shirt and runaway giggling because teenage girls are fucking evil. Out of the shadows,

comes Billy, my friend's older brother who I'd heard a lot about, but never met. It was the grossest, most inappropriate morantic moment of my life. He lit a cigarette, looked out me and said, nice tits, you need a shirt? I wiped the vomit off my chin and gazed up at him. I think I mumbled out a yes through my mouth sweats because he handed me a cigarette, took off his shirt, handed me the shirt, and took back his cigarette. I put his shirt on, and we somehow ended up making out in the park. Yeah. Of course they did. How could you nod at that point? For them. Just a couple more here.

From D. D, D went to a bar with a few friends, and quote, when we arrived, I noticed my very recently extinguished three week flame was there. He was a no good skateboarding guitar boy and I wanted to prove I didn't need him.

Long story short. Never worked. D gets blackout. Did you just have, MJ, I just felt like both of us just had it. Like 20 memories. I've done this too. And the kind of drunk where you have something to prove,

that's the worst kind of drug guy. I'm going to go to this party and I'm going to get so dark that you have. to show them. So cut to Blackout, Dia's Blackout drunk, grinding all over her friend that she went to the bar with until essentially she ends up

like getting super sick. And then it of course ends up being the skateboard guitar boy that she's trying to prove her independence to ends up the one that escorts her into a cab with her friend. But she does go home with her friend. And they do have some fun together.

But wait, there's more, he ends up doing hand stuff and she started her period. so definitely a bit of an issue on the bed there that night. But in a beautiful twist of holiday lust, we never stopped seeing each other. It's crazy to think that that was two years ago. We just celebrated our fuckaversary in November

and are very much in love. Oh, my God. Yeah, the friend that she was proving the point. Yeah, the friend that she was proving the point against. Oh, that's so sweet. They ended up hooking up and getting together. I mean, there was some bloody mattress involved, but yeah. That happens, whatever.

That happens. I mean, honestly, it happens. It happens. From Alexis, the last one. This is actually more of a meat poop story from Alex's. With a guy one night that she was dating, and during the act, pooped on him a little. Apparently, on his way, on his way,

this is something Alexis, by the way, did not know about. On his home that way home the next day, he called his best friend and said, I think I'm in love with this girl, but she pooped on me a little. And his best friend was like, do you really think you're in love with her? And he said, yep.

So he said it shouldn't matter. And he decided it didn't matter. I was not told about the poopie. A year later, we are happily dating and on a road trip. I had to go to the bathroom and he was doing the classic. We'll pull over the next exit past five exits. I finally turned to him and yelled, I am literally about to poop on you. This man, without missing a beat, turns to me and says, you already have.

So I do not care. Needless to say, the story was exposed and I was retroactively mortified. She found out a year later? What? She was about to shit her own pants again. It's a meat poop. Do do do do do do do. It's a meat poop.

I loved these. Thank you for these. This is a nice way as we come to the end of the year to kind of bring in the community to in place of the blind items to tell your, what should be blind items. Should be items no one knows about. You're freely telling me over the internet.

And we thank you for it. Can you imagine? You know all the other people who sent their meat cutes or meat pukes. They were also hilarious. And I just, I didn't have enough time for everything. You're on a road trip with your partner of a year and you're like, I really need to use the bathroom. But he's like, you pooped on me the first time we fucked. Can you imagine?

I just be like, I don't know what does. I feel like I'd be so shocked I'd poop immediately. Well, there it goes. Slid right out of me. Too much fiber. Love it. just the right amount. Love it.

Well, there you go. There you have it. I think we're good on that segment. Jackie. Wow. Wow. Wow. I should have just said what the next segment was going to be.

Because I think... No. Oh, no. You're having issues today with transitioning. I feel great. I feel wonderful. I feel like Queen Elizabeth and I'm about to be a lizard. But before I finish, I'm going to be a lizard.

I'm going to read our shoutouts. Shout out. Okay. Let it all out. Okay. These are the emails that you wrote it about. Come on. We'll read them to you.

Come on. And before we jump into our shoutouts, we had someone, a little birdie told me, by a little birdie, I mean, Camille wrote in, Camille's birthday is on December 13th, and Camille did ask, please, please, please, please if they could receive their shout out from Slow Talking Morris. Now, Slow Talking Morris is a character that Holden created for Roundtable of Gentleman, and I think it might be his most annoying character. but I give you the gift of slow talking. You said Camille, right?

Camille, happy birthday, Camille. Who's that? Oh, no, it's slow talking Morris. Hey, Camille. Happy birthday. All right, well, now we had, I'm going to immediately stop it because I know where this is going to go,

and I know how long it's going to take. We love you, Camille. hope you have a great time. Ugh. And we made it through slow-talking Morris, but we've got more shout-outs to Lizzie-Doo. Thank you guys so much for sending in your shout-outs to page 7 podcast at gmail.com.

I love them and I love you guys and you have cars at 7-the-number page 7 podcast at gmail.com. Yes, please. I love a big old interfaith, adorable love. Shout-out. Oh, my God. I love you guys. And thank you for sharing your baby corn story with me, Jesse.

Okay, my name is Jesse, and I want to give a big gay, happy Hanukkah. Merry Christmas shout out to my sweet chixa, Jane. We may come from different faiths, but we are lesbian, so who cares? Jane, I love you so much. You make my Jewish heart sing. You are such a good dog mama to our Chweeney Frank, and you truly make life worth living. Thank you for always being there. to drink too much PBR and eat too many snacks with me.

So glad we are gay at the same time. You're the only gay I want to spend the hallagays with Love, Jesse. How adorable is. I love you guys. And Christine, I want to say thank you so much for sending me in picks of your baby daddy, who does look like Pete Davidson. I'm so happy for y'all for vacationing together and not killing each other. John, if you are listening, I think we both know it's for the best that you don't look like Pete Davidson anymore.

You look amazing and Christine is sending you a shout out of thanks for being an amazing co-parent with him. Thank you guys so much for sending in a shout-in-out and a happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy birthday. Yay to you. Taylor on December 8th. I totally hear you not being a huge fan of your birthday, but I'm so fucking proud of you. for taking care of your mental health and during the pandemic, no less, Taylor says this whole year wrecked me, but also helped me process a lot of issues I had been putting off. Like finally getting on ADD medication and dealing with my parental issues,

as Marcus Parks always says, mental health isn't your fault, but it is your responsibility. I'm extremely proud of myself this year, and though I might not be a big fan of my own birthday, I spend a lot of time taking care of others, and I'm realizing I need to pat myself on the back and recognize when I deserve praise. Fuck, yes, you do.

Also, I want to shout out my sweet partner price. Our anniversaries on my birthday, and even though we were completely different schedules, I wouldn't have gotten to this birthday without him. I love both of you guys, and I hope you have an amazing birth anniversary. And Sidney, my goodness, there ain't nothing selfish about a self-muffoggin.

Shout out, babe! Thank you for sure. sharing your story with us, and I'm so damn proud and happy for you that you pulled through everything these last three years. My God. Sydney says, with all of the change that had happened in the last three years, it was very difficult for me to find something that was constant and something I could trust not to hurt me. I found solace in page seven, last podcast roundtable, RIP, Bird Lugar, and other Lugan shows. It's nice to have something I know will always be there for me. Somehow, Something so simple as a podcast has helped me immensely.

I'm now going to school full time to try to get a business degree, and they live in a cute house with my precious girlfriend, who I love so much and our four dogs and two cats. I love each of you very much as you have helped me heal from a lot of heartache. We love you, too, Sydney. Thank you so much for sharing the love, and I'm so happy that you are feeling so much better. You fucking deserve it, babe.

Yes, and we've got more self-shoutouts, and this one goes out to the kick-ass Matt and their beloved partner, Sadie. Matt says, my name is Matt, and I've been listening to you guys nonstop for the past few months while I do yard work, chores, and commute to school. I'm getting my master's in archaeology,

sick as shit at the University of Tennessee, Knoxville, and I'm defending my thesis proposal this coming Friday. Fuck yeah, positive vibes to you, Matt. If you told me even just five years ago that at the age of 30, I'd be succeeding in a graduate program and engaged to an amazing woman, my fiancée Sadie, who's also a grad student, I wouldn't have believed you. I've had my share of mental health issues most of my life

and really didn't think I'd get this far or even be alive. I appreciate y'all for being so supportive and open about mental health, and I want more people to be able to find the strength to endure their worst periods. Listening to y'all talk about, among other things, Tom Cruise fucking fish, has provided me some much-needed levity over this past semester. Thanks for everything and have a great non-denay. nominational winter celebration. That's what Sadie and I put on all our holiday cards and I love it. Thank you so much, much love to you, Matt and Sadie. And oh, thank you so much, Brooke for writing

and a birthday. A shout out to your bestie, Dan. Brooke says, I want to wish the happiest birthday to one of my dearest friends, Dan. Dan's birthday is December 6th, and I couldn't be happier to have him in my life. I met Dan five years ago, almost of the day, at one of my very first jobs as a vet tech. I was the annoying new girl who didn't know very much and was one of the first people to be nice to me. Dan was, without him, I probably wouldn't have stuck it out and I would have gone back to the food service industry. Luckily for me, in the thousands of animals that I've been able to help since then, Dan was there to help me get where I am today. He also opened up his home to me during the entirety of the infamous Texas freeze last January, so he really bailed me out of

two of the worst situations I've ever been in. Dan, most of my favorite members, include you. From taking mushrooms at the most primitive of campsites to eating bolognais around a fire, you really do know how to have a blast in any situation. I love gushing about Dune and all things LPN with you. I can't wait to ugly cry and embarrass you and your angel of a fiance at your wedding this September. Oh, I love you, you weird little freak of nature. Love Brooke. Oh, I love your bestie love. And last, but nah fucking least. Thank you so much, Maddie for writing in about your partner's amazing nonprofit that they created. Everybody, listen up.

I'm saying something for real now. Maddie wants to shout out their amazing wife, Kendra. Their nonprofit Lavender Legal Center turned one year old this past month. Maddie says my wife from scratch started their own nonprofit legal practice during the pandemic, no less. Lavender Legal Center is a nonprofit in Iowa by and for LGBTQ people. They provide direct representation, advocacy, and referrals with a priority for serving those

with low income and our LGBTQ youth in Iowa, specifically. Lavender Legal Center. So many LGBTQ-focused legal services in our country focus on big-level discrimination cases. Very few nonprofits focus on basic administrative legal needs, like name-slash-gender marker changes, family law, and end-of-life paperwork like wills and a advanced directives. Besides being super-duper proud of my hot, sexy, bad fucking ass, lawyer-wife, I want to spread a really important PSA to all the queer folks out there listening.

Wills and advanced directives are not just for elderly people with lots of money and possessions that they need to pass on when they die. Advanced directives protect you and your dignity if you are ever in a place where you can't make medical decisions for yourself and you don't want homophobic slash transphobic family members making decisions for you and your chosen family. Lavender is set up to the point that most clients do not have fees and can even help pay for court slash county administrator fee. If you need services, Lavender can't do, they will find an attorney who is queer friendly who can help you pro bono. I'm so fucking proud of all you've accomplished this year for our community and for

themselves. I feel so privileged to have a front row seat for this journey and get to create a beautiful life and family with her. But please help spread the word to queer people about the necessity of getting advanced directives and will set up, especially if you're trans and have next of kin, legal family, not chosen family, who don't have

your best interests at heart. Give Lavender a call if you're in Iowa. Lots of love for all y'all at the last podcast network. And thank you so much, Maddie, for sending in that amazingly very important PSA for us to share. And fuck yes, your wife.

is goddamn amazing. Thank you, Kendra, for bringing such a positive thing into our life in one of, I'm going to throw it out there all of our darkest times. I love you guys so much and thank you so much. I'm not crying, Jackie, don't cry. Thank you so much for sending in your shoutouts to page 7th podcast at gmail.com. God damn it. I love you guys. Thank you guys so much again for your shoutouts. We love you. We love you. We love you. We love you. I am so excited. I am feeling of a bit of a grinch this year, but I am really genuinely excited to sing Muppets Christmas Carol with the two of y'all next Thursday. I need spirit. Me too. We got it. We're going to give you the holiday spirit. We need spirit. Yes, we do.

We need spirit. How about you? How about me? And me needs it. We need it. Thank you guys for joining us today and for listening to my manic screaming. My name is Jackie Zabrowski. Follow me on Instagram at Check That Worm and come hang out with us over on Twitch.tv. forward slash, oh, no, it's Jackie on Tuesdays and Thursdays. And then we're going to be singing at times. Hell yeah.

And catch me jaw. Wow. I'm a man in the land. Very interesting. I'm a man in the land. Twitch.com. TV 4 slash Holdenators Ho. If you had nasty.

And if you're clean, then Twitch.com towards slash Holesome Hold'em. I say gosh. I say freaking, all that good stuff. Yeah, check it out Monday, Tuesday, Friday streams. I stream with Jackie on Fridays. And also, patreon.com forward slash page 7 podcast. Please.

Every supporter really helps us pay for our lives and live our lives. And life is to live. It's not to die. So please check that out. Also, there's so much good content. is throwing a bunch of stuff on there. We do a weekly thing called Talking TV. $5 a month.

It's a ton of extra content from us. And we hope you check it out at least a little bit. And yeah, page 7 podcast at gmail.com. Page the number seven podcast at gmail.com. Send in your celebrity conspiracies. Send in your blinds. I'm using them. MJ, take it away.

Yeah, there he goes. My name is MJ and I'm MJKLKAT on Instagram. We love you guys. And we'll talk to you next. Hell yeah. Bye, everybody. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors.

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