Page 7 - Ep. 429: Have a Holly Jolly Kill Me

Episode Date: December 16, 2021

This week we're gossin' 'bout our special guest, Spaceman Jenkin's day to day space life, Snoop Dogg reading a frustrating list of Golden Globe nominations, the astounding accent work in House of Gucci, Time's Person of the Year, Tom Cruise's kinky annual 99 dollar cake gifting, Holden's very personal future holiday traditions, the drama around the recent Jeremy Strong profile and in celeb conspiracy corner; Is Jackie a level 1 monster fucker?! Not to mention a tradition filled list, the blinds and shouts! Also, mark your calendar and join the gang as they turn Jackie's tears into a drinking game while watching and singing along to 'The Muppet Christmas Carol' over on Jackie's Twitch tonight, Dec 16th at 5pm PST/8pm EST! Want even more Page 7? Support us on Patreon! Patreon.com/Page7Podcast Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0 Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

A roast as dark as the night, perfect for fueling the crypted research and mad ravings required for your podcasting. Don't mind the red eyes. He's just trying to warn you of the bridge. The bridge! Finally, from the caffeine-addled brains of Spring Hill Jack Coffee and Last Podcast on the left, rebring you Mothman's Red Eye Blend. Yes, delicious Panama beans. Go to lastpodcastmerch.com to order yours today.

And if I'm going to sing the song that MJ hates, I'm going to take another swig out of the tequila bottle. Yep, this is how we're starting it, is at the holidays. Wait, you've already sung the song I hate, which is Christmas Shoes. What else is there? It was a time when I was sure that you and I would. That our future, I'm undone. I'm playing the fake piano. But we came so close to be.

And though you cared, there's this distance. See your eyes tonight Says we're not meant to be I'm fast-in-boarding Me fast-forwarding my VHS with Muppet Christmas Carol as a 10-year-old knowing this song was bullshit.

You better get your hats in order, M.J. Because we are going to be singing that song tonight because this is coming out tomorrow and we're going to be watching the Muppets sing-along and if you miss it on my Twitch I will post it over on the Patreon on because we're going to get our fucking sing on. And if I don't get into a goddamn holiday mood,

I swear to God, everybody is in trouble. There's going to be spankings, it's consensual spankings. It's different as an adult. And I will be giving them out. What if we watch the version where they cut that song out? How dare you? And we don't know it until we've started it. And we can't restart it because we're already in the middle of the witch.

Here's the thing, MJ, is that you say this to me, but I have already rented the version on Amazon Prime that we will be sharing to make sure that it had when love is gone in it. I have already rented it twice now. It's going to twice. I have to rent it. Even though I pay for Disney Plus,

I don't have to rent it. I'm now renting it twice. Seems that the holidays have made Jackie go mad. Holden looked like a fucking space invader and you guys can't see it because he got his eyes died. related to he has these big fucking shades on underneath his glasses. He look very silly.

Holden looks like a superhero. Yes, I am, that is my alternate persona, Spaceman Jenkins. That is who I am today. I am not Holden. I do not know who this Holden man is, all right? I'm Spaceman Jenkins, and I'll shoot a laser at an alien so fast you could say, oh my God, is that Spaceman Jenkins? I want to suck his.

is dick, but you can't. Now, is Spaceman Jenkins related to Richard Jenkins of stepbrothers, of bone tomahawk? Are you a brother of Richard Jenkins? No, he's weirdly related to Steven Spielberg. I was the one who gave him the idea for Jaws. I was like, sharks in space, that'll be a bitch in movie. And then he removed the space from it, that piece of shit, and made Jaws. Every one of my ideas gets altered.

Space Man Jenkins cares not of Christmas. Space Man Jenkins only cares of the searching through the galaxy for signs of fucking life and death. But Space Man Jenkins, what do you celebrate? You must celebrate something in your existence. I celebrate Space Hanukkah. Oh, wow. What happens then? Do the candles flow?

It all floats and shit. Yeah, yeah. So it only took eight days to get through the space? Yes, you, yeah. You take it. Very powerful. What you do is, but instead of giving a gift every day, you take something from people every day.

So you go into their house, you remove an item from their house and keep it for your own. Like the Blinkering. Okay. All right, that sounds great. I'll do that. I don't know what you would take from, I guess I'm going to have to take your baby. Take my baby, please.

I'm sorry, Space Man Jenkins. Space Man Jenkins's baby, though, has four heads and two toes. Space Man Jenkins's baby. already speaks Chinese. Wow. Weirdly. Even though no one in my home in my spaceship speaks Chinese,

the baby speaks it already. I can't believe it. It's the brightest baby I've ever met. It's very important for the listeners to understand that Holden's wearing, Jackie said it, but I just want to repeat it. He's wearing his glasses over the space glasses. And so it looks, imagine like the people from,

is it Star Trek that I'm thinking of? Whereas just like the straight line of sunglasses. A little bit. Robocop, yeah. Who's my cousin? And I gave him the idea for, I was like, you should star in your own movie. And then, of course, he stole the idea. Wow.

So imagine Robocop, but then imagine Robocop just wearing, like, glasses over the Robocop sunglasses. And that's what Holden is. It's really, it's not the, it's not the, like, band of sunglasses going over his entire face that is the problem. It's the regular glasses over the band of sunglasses. I just got a, I just want to say, I got a text from my space,

wife is, it reads, OMG Chinese is not a language. That's true. There's Cantonese and Randon, I believe. I didn't want to reprimandes, Mazeeman Jenkins. I don't, I'm scared of you. I'm scared of you.

I'm scared of. The language. That makes sense. In space, there's only one Chinese language, but on Earth, there are several. Indeed. It sounds like you must have read the Golden

Globe nominations to Snoop Dog. I think that it sounds like maybe he was donning the character of Spaceman Jenkins while he read the Golden Globe nominations. I don't understand it. Can I just say, I know again, this is week number nine million of Jackie's in a weird holiday rage for absolutely no reason. And I loved that Snoop Dog gave the Golden Globe nominations. He read them aloud in person.

and we will get there real quick. But can I just say how weirdly angry I am about what was nominated and how no one, no layman has seen most of this stuff. Yeah, it fell all over the place with the night. I was looking, I was like, what is this? You know what I mean? I don't understand a lot of it. I will, I know if you listen to talk in TV this week,

I did go on a rant about House of Gucci, and I don't understand how Lady Gaga was nominated for us. They're going to glow for it. Don't understand it. But I'm not going to yell about that here. I'm just going to enjoy whatever, however Snoop Dog happened to have been inspired by Spaceman Jenkins to say,

Bean Affleck instead of Ben Affleck. You know his name. I love how he was also like, sorry, Ben. Like he's definitely hung out with Bin Affleck before. Not just like knows who he is, but like has probably smoked a butt with him at some point. It was nice that there was like a, lot of like names that were like in like from cultures that you know like weren't you know

American that he didn't mess up didn't mess up then he messed he like really nailed the landing for some of the perhaps harder to pronounce foreign American names and then he just absolutely adele doesimed it for for ben affleck which was great which was exactly it was it came out of nowhere and I don't know if he I maybe he did it on purpose or just because he was high and thought it was funny. And I will say as someone that is also usually high, I did also find it was funny. It was so soothing. I like lost track of time. Just like, I've been, had, it's been a very anxious day and I was just like, I'm going to watch this video. And then the next thing I knew, like, five minutes had passed. And it was just Snoop Dog reading celebrities' names. Sometimes,

again, nailing the dismount, sometimes just like, where are you? Right. What is happening? How is this happening? I just, you just love somebody who can be that functionally high for that long. Right. You know, it's just a hero again. But this is the problem, though, as I'm screaming

about this, someone did remind me that Kate Hudson was also nominated for Best Actress from Sia's music last year for a Golden Globe. And it's like, well, maybe it really just is

that the Golden Globes are like, wow. The Golden Globes have always been the fuckfest of Fuck Fest. We've got to send them into the party time. At least it was like the fucky a get drunk.

Yeah, it's like the, that was the whole idea. Now, but my question to y'all is, how is it being broadcast now? Because NBC is like boycotting it this year, right? Because they were like, you got to get more people at color on that. That judge's panel, it's a bunch of old, it looks like the founding fathers. I think Alexander Hamilton is technically on the judges panel. They just pull his corpse out and they just see him where his skull lands. They leave him in the song.

Yeah, see where the sludge comes out of his orifices. Thank you so much to the Hollywood foreign press, and to the corpse of Alexander Hamilton. So are they, is it going to be shown at all? Like, are they just going to maybe just show it on the worldwide internet? I think it's going to be on the worldwide internet. Now, this is the 79th Golden Globe. So I imagine they're probably going to do a big rush for like,

well, what the fuck is next year going to be for the 80th? I have no, I genuinely don't know just yet. I think for the 80th one, they're gonna just let all of the 80 year old white men that are on the judges panel come and just host it and just kind of throw out 80, because they're like, well, it's their 80th birthday. Let them do it.

And the 80th golden gloves. Let them do it. And they'll be like, I remember the first golden globes. I was a one year old, you know what I mean, and do the whole thing. It's in Bill's house. And it's a Joe's house. I will say how many times I do want to see

the movie, the power of the dog. but I couldn't stop making like, like me being a bitch, like, oh, you want to see the power of the dog? And I don't want to see the power of that dog. Oh, I got the power of the dog. But wait, can we get your impression of the acts, many accents of the,

which I might call it, the Versace film? Because I love. In the name of the father, the son, an house of Gucci, which is a line, as they cross themselves. I am so glad, and I apologize if you listen to Talking TV, this is saying the same thing again. Tell me. Tell me.

We happen to see it in a movie theater where it was just Jeff and I and our two friends and nobody else in the movie theater. And thank God. We laughed through the whole movie. And then by the last 40 minutes, we're just screaming like, when will it end? I just want it to be over. They all were in. Every actor was in a different movie. And apparently Lady Gaga was in character the entire time.

She did that accent for 18 months and no one told her. No one told her that what she was doing, it's not even that it wasn't good. It was just like, what are you doing? Again, then Jared Leto comes in. And he talks and loves it which is the same voice I did for one of the Volturi in the Twilight reading that I do as a general. on the Patreon. I don't understand any of it. Jeremy Ironseye just refused to do an Italian accent.

Adam Driver was great because he's Adam Driver. He's the one. He's the guy that should have, at one point in the movie, realized like he's trapped in a bad movie and has to like escape using some kind of like time travel device or something. You know what I mean? Like that's kind of where the movie should have gone. If they could have chosen one of the stories,

of all of the stories they shoved into the two hour and 40 minutes, long fucking movie. By the end, I was just like, who gives a fuck about, like, I thought it was going to be Versauch. I wanted my Versauch back. I thought it was going to be like that. And it wasn't.

And for some fucking reason, MJ, there was like a twilight filter over the entire movie. It was like completely saturated. It was like blue saturated. It's a movie about fashion. Why wasn't the fashion the number one thing? Like, it wasn't even clear, beautiful skies. Was it, the fashion wasn't even that good?

I don't. I couldn't believe it. But then if you're gonna do campy, right? Go for cats. Right. If you're gonna do it, go go the long game. Right. Didn't.

So it was just like half like serious drama. A quarter camp and then a quarter trap. That's what I love about cats. Cats is like the perfect length. I am sad when it's starting to end. I'm sad when they go to the merry go away place or whatever the fuck they call it. And it really, I do get a little like,

and I'm so excited to get to finally watch it with chat. And we're going to do a stream of that as well. And I'm like so fucking thrilled to get to do it. Also next week, if you have forgotten, we are re-releasing the episode of us screaming about cats for the entire hour. Whenever anybody asks me like, oh, like I want to start listening to page seven, which episode should I listen to? I always send them the cats one.

That is far and away my absolute favorite episode. you were with me on one of my favorite nights of my life. Like one of my favorite, definitely top three movie, it was like Jurassic Park opening night, fucking, you know, cats,

you know, and I don't know what the third one is. Fucking, you know. And you might have a newfound appreciation for the state of mine I was in, too, because that was,

I think Zelda was, was, uh, four months. And so that, which is when he's age now. And so that was like my first, sweet release.

It was like sweet, it was like my, first outing. It was like my first time being like, I'm bringing a tall boy into the theater. You know, it was like, I felt like myself again. And then I was like, I don't know where I am now. You know, it was, it was an absolute, like, delight to be like so in like the confused non-reality of postpartum, parenthood. I still remember the look on your face. Like, we would, we would share a look every now and again, because I kind of did with everybody around me at different moments, right? Yeah. And I think Brooke was on my left. And I would look, I would look over you every now and we'd just be like,

Fuck, you can't believe this is happening. The best. When you're in the movie theater, you look over at the person you're with and you're like, yeah, yeah. And to see an audience slowly, and that's what I do feel sad a little bit for you, Jackie, that you didn't have that audience

experience with Gucci. Because to see an audience. But if I was trapped in an audience that was actually genuinely into it, I don't know if I could. I think I would have been terrible. With cats, right? With cats.

Well, I was trapped in a movie theater with people that actually genuinely liked it. See again, that's terrible. That was much funny. Yeah, yeah. But being alone in the movie theater was really great because I just, I, at one point, we're just saying, like, because Jared Lettos's the line's like, doesn't elephant in the jungle.

Seriously. Like, he was doing it as a joke, though. So that's why it's funny. And then you throw Al Pacino, Al Pacino, who said all of his lines, like a this. Yeah, yeah. And you would just add with a little this on the end of it. Like. And Chris Pratt voices Super Mario in it as well, I heard.

I can't believe Chris Pratt wasn't. And I will say I did bring this up right before we started recording that I saw a headline that was like, Joe Rogan goes to the defense of Chris Pratt. It was like, well, that's a match made in hell right there. There we go. Makes a lot of sense. There you go, Elon Musk, time person of the year, you know what I mean? Why?

Because, you know, I will just say, I totally get it. They even say like, oh, you know, good people, bad people. We've given it to Hitler. You got it to Hitler. comparing Elon Musk to Hitler. Yeah, yeah, got it. He definitely was, you know, a big splash in the 1940. He was a key person of the time.

So I guess in that sense, he was person in the year. But I feel like, I feel like they're too focused on villains lately. Like, I kind of want them to check themselves a little bit. And maybe next year, let's get a positive human in there. Because I feel like lately, it's like Putin, Musk. You know what I mean? It's just like everybody. What is it, Bezos next year?

It's going to be like, dead Amazon factory workers are the top. time people, you know what's it going to be? Yeah, it'll be like the text that made the Amazon workers stay at work during the tornado is the time person of the year. Oh, my God. No, and I was just reading an article that was like championing the Bidens because they're like for their holiday decorations that they put up and every year there's the White House made out of gingerbread and they were like, and they took part of the gingerbread that

someone else made and they dedicated it to the first responders. And I was like, what are you taught? Like, oh, wow. Gingerbread. That changes everything. Thank you so much. You know, we're dedicating part of the White House gingerbread house to the first responders. I did a gingerbread capital building with a bunch of gingerbread men with red hats and flags.

They're smashing it and everything. Gingerbread, Capital Building on fire. Wow, we're getting hot takes over here. We're getting political. Sorry if we're fin to you, listener. No, let's go back. Let's go to, I don't mean to segue here, Jackie. But please segue.

What is out of this? Let's go from all of our collective rage towards something we can all agree on, which I think is going to be a universal crowd pleaser, which is that we need to figure out our drinking game plan, recipes, and strategy for when we all collectively watch.

the Muppet Christmas Carol Thursday tonight. Very excited about it. It is what I am, this is my hinge cliff, made up that word. It's my hingecliff of what I'm hanging my bitch cap-a-ponst to get me into the holiday spirit. I need you guys to show up. I need us to have a good time. So I'm ready to get rid.

I feel like every time we see a frog, take a drink. Okay. Every time we see a frog, take a drink. I made a joke about this before the thing, but I will say. every time Jackie cries, take a drink. Or I think do a shot, tequila every time Jackie cries. Yeah, so are you writing this down, Jackie?

You get in the paper again? Yeah. Okay. So a drink every time we see a frog. Okay. That's gonna kill us. A shot every time Jackie cries. I don't think we'll die.

Every time a song happens. A drink or a shot? A drink. A drink, drink, drink. We can't have like eight shots. No. So a drink every time there's a song. Drink every time there's a frog.

A shot every time Jackie cries. I'm going to say, say a shot when you see a gravestone. Ooh, I like it. Because there's like, I guess we don't see Tiny Tim's gravestone, but I feel like I want to drink at the time that they suggest that Tiny Tim dies. Yeah, every time Tiny Tim is.

Every time Tiny Tim dies in the movie, take a shot. No. Anytime there's like a hint about Tiny Tim dying, I think we have to take a shot. Okay, we'll take a shot. I did like that in my promo, I don't know if you guys caught it on Instagram, that I do say that if you don't show up,

you are the reason that Tiny Tim will die. And I think that that's what, these are the stakes I need to have fun at a holiday gathering. And by steak, she means she will be cooking up some filet mignon. And, yeah, it'll be fantastic. Yeah, babe, I want a rib-eye. That's what I say whenever I look at my breasts. I go, ooh, is that a rib-eye?

Uh-oh. This is my breasts. Jackie's getting shaky. I think we need a Rizzo and organzo-based drinking. Like a spit if you have a drink in your mouth currently you have to spit it back into your cup Every time you see no you drink every time Rizzo's eating Okay drink every time Rizzo's eating that's fair because I love Gonso Rizzo is a bit like Rizzo is like the you know the Disney character that every Disney movie has where it's like I'm wacky because kids need this character and I feel like Rizzo underestimates our intelligence a little bit I will say have you watched Muppets take Manhattan recently not recently because I feel like that's really where Rizzo shines

I like Rizzo in the other Muppet movies. I like, like, it's just that I think in, he's a little bit grading by the end of Christmas Carol. Whoa. I might be speaking out of turn, to be honest. We're all full of rage. Full of rage. I might have some latent rage at Rizzo. But I love Gonzo.

I love Gonso throughout that whole movie. So I don't even know, you know. And also I love all of the rats that are the accountants in Scrooge's office. Oh. This is my island. in the sad. I love that. Yeah, already quoting it.

Quoting it before we're going to watch it all together tomorrow. That's when you know it's going to be a great sing-along. Look at the smile on my face. I can't make this up. Now I'm happy. I just have to think about the Muppets and then everything's great. And that will kind of, the Muppets will be kind of

cap my hell week as well. That'll be kind of like the finish line little prance for me. I can't wait to watch you. Nightmare. Dude, it's like I remember going up every single Christmas season. My mother at some point would have a full emotional breakdown and end up like crying in the bedroom. Isn't that what part of the holiday season is? You have to have a manic breakdown at some point. I used to be like, what's the trouble, Mama? Why won't you

stick into a groove? And now I immediately get it this year. Immediately. I have had four already. Oh yeah. Daily for me. That scene where Emma Thompson is trying to not is trying to stop crying Love actually. Oh my. From both sides now. Oh, no, don't. I will watch Love Actually alone. Where she has to like get it together and go back out to be happy for the kids.

Oh my God. Devastated. Alan Rickman, you bastard RIP. Amazing. Speaking of RIP, I'm talking about the fish that Tom Cruise has fucked to death. But side by side with the cakes that it gives. Every year I'm weirdly inferior. created by this story of the fact that Tom Cruise sends everybody a very, I guess, expensive.

It's like his favorite cake. It sounds like a good cake. It's not like a good chocolate coconut bun cake. It sounds good. It's not too crazy to, I don't know how cakes go run, but to get one shipped, it's $99, right? Is that crazy? I got to be honest, this is the most appealing thing I've heard about Tom Cruise in a decade. I think it's, I have no problems with it.

MJ, I was thinking this exact thing when I was reading. I was like, you know what? Every single year. You ate coconut, Holden. No, I hate coconut. I would probably would not dig this cake. But every year, my mother, speaking of the, speak of the devil, that feels weird to say. Speak of the devil in her head.

No, no, she's very sweet woman. I love her. Every year she made loaves of pumpkin bread. And I always looked forward to, you know, when I was in college and onward, I would get a loaf of pumpkin bread. She would send it to people. And I was like, oh, yeah, I do love that. I love the yearly, it's always the same, it's every year you look forward to it

and I was like, I need one of those. And I don't know what it's gonna be, a bag of my piss or... I love piss bags. Maybe I was gonna do piss packs. A bag of nuts with your piss on them. Or like a box you open it and you just hear like a man screaming, you just open up.

Something fun that everyone looks forward to every year. Oh my God, holding the scream box showed up. I'm gonna put it on Insta and I'm gonna like, you know, have some sort of sexual night about it or something. Of course you have to. Yeah, that's where I imagine where you're going to capture your screen essence. It's going to be a lot like the Little Mermaid, but it's going to be

holding screams. And we're never giving his voice back, everybody. Never giving it back. He's not going to get it back. He's not going to get it back. I agree that the annualness, that we do it every year thing is the best thing about Christmas. And I this year have been in a bit of a dispute

with my husband because he keeps being like, well, we watched that movie last year for Christmas. And I'm like, We watch it. That's the point of a Christmas movie. You watch it every year. Every year. I mean, for me it's peanuts, Christmas

with my parents, or with my brother, and National Lampoon's Christmas vacation with my dad. Oh, and Bad Santa with my brother as well. That's fun. I feel like there's like four or five that I watch every single year

and then the other ones get rotated. Right, right. Mubb is Christmas every year. Last year I did not watch Family Stone, which means this year I have. Have to watch. Yeah, I'm going to watch it to this year. Family Stone has become an every year for me, which is insane.

Well, you know the thing about Family Stone, if you don't want, if you miss more than one year of Family Stone, it happens to you. No, please. You mean I get to look like Diane fucking key in that amazing white blouse with a huge, beautiful black skirt? I love her so much. Yeah, she is great. And I just watched it a couple of nights ago.

She's my old person bang, right? Don't you have that list, or one of those names in your hat? We are just old now, Holden. We are just old now, huh? I think it's just banged. It was just like a movie. No, don't. When we were young.

Yeah, Diane Keaton is that person who, even in my 20s, though, Jackie, and she was still much older, I was like, I would have sex with that much older woman. She is so beautiful, and I just am so charmed by her. She's very charming. Back when I was allowed to watch Woody Allen movies. But what about y'all, do y'all have an old that you would happily consume the lust of? There's many of them. I don't know where I don't know where to stop.

Diane Keaton's definitely on the list. Right. I mean, but depends on how old are we talking. Like, I feel like one, what is old anymore now that we are in our mid-delayment? The queen. I feel like it is all right for pickings. Consensually and above the age of 25. How about Brian Cox?

Like, I feel like that's like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah, no. I'd hop on pop. I think that that is definitely the pop I would want to hop upon. Yeah. Especially when we, oh, God, why.

We're watching that. We're not going to get back into succession talk right now, but... Fuck off. Fuck off. Somebody said that was the good drinking game. You come in with your hands, with guns in your hands, and they've turned the fucking sausages. Fuck off! I'm Mip J and Sook!

Bro, that fucking shit was so good. If you want to hear more about that, Jack and I talk all about it on talking TV, check out Patreon, patreon. Patreon.com, forward slash Patreon podcast. Bro, that fucking episode, dude. We can't. We're not spoiling any things. I've seen in my entire life.

It's unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable. But we will talk about a little bit the profile that came out about, well, I wasn't done with the cake though. I need to say a couple more things about this cake. Say more. I don't, I guess the only thing is that, so Tom Cruise sends it to people every year. He sends it to all of his celebrity friends.

And he sends it because he's always working out for another role. So he can't eat sugar himself. So he likes to call up people for them to. tell him what it tastes like for them, and that's how he gets off on it. And if that didn't open us up into the world of Tom Cruise kinks before, I don't know how I never truly realized it, that he calls you up for you to tell him about it. And there's no way he's not jerking into a bass while this is happening. I won't allow that to not happen in my brain.

That's the part that makes it not appealing Because if you send somebody like a, you know, a little nice, one of those circular tins around the holidays And you send it full of... The popcorns are the cookies. Of cookies or fudge or whatever. And then you get it and you receive one of those tins and you're like, how nice. And then the person calls you and it's like an old friend from college or whatever

that you only check in with every few years. And they're like, tell me about what the fudge tastes like. You know, at that point your alarm bells start going on. Describe it as if you were under the sea. Like, what? Lay it on your tongue. What does that mean? Is it rough?

Is it soft? Does it have whippers on it? Yeah, yeah. Put your tongue on it? Do you have little flippers? Yeah, I think it's weird. Yeah, yeah, it's very weird. Oh, I mean, he's, well, he's so normal.

I mean, it's, you know. He's just. But I will say it is kind of nice because he sends it to like every co-star he's ever had. That's so nice. That's nice and normal. That's the most normal thing you could possibly do is to be like, I send people, if I'm that rich, I don't even send out Christmas cards

because I don't have my life together. But when I'm rich, I will pay someone to be like, send everyone I know a cake. I think it's nice. Yeah, also, you know, keeping the bakery in business in a lot of ways too. Which is cool. It immediately made me think like,

if you want to open up a bakery and you can do it wherever, why not L.A.? Because there's definitely the chance that many a celebrity will fall in love with your treats and give you immediate publicity that you don't have to pay for. A friend of ours is a manager of a very small cupcake business. We're just right by it.

People come, Bo Burnham comes in almost every other day. Bill Knight, the science guy came in yesterday. Like, constantly there's just like people that are just coming in for a cupcake. And how great is that? Check it out. It's Bo Burnham outside. Am I right? Am I right, people?

I said it went outside. Am I right? Like, why are you hard, Bo Burnham? He's like, oh my God, I'm visibly hard in this bakery. I don't know what's going on to me today. I think it's my kid my kid. eyes dilated. It's something to my brain. I think that you feel like we can't

see you because you have such a shield over your face. I feel like I'm in the shower right now. Yeah. Yeah, you're acting. Don't, oh God. Don't you dare tubing, though. If you tubing, I mean, I think that the boys would think it would be too funny to actually fire you.

But you keep that cock in your pants. I'm keeping, I'm not my cocked out of my pants. What's going on? I got my daughter in the other room. I've got you guys looking at me. I'm not going to pull my penis out of this very, you know. Just because your daughters in the other room doesn't never pull your penis out.

You're gonna have to take your penis out sometime unless you're never nude now. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I am quite the, I know you're. The never new thing does speak to me. I mean, I always wear socks even, pretty much all the, unless I'm in bed. Yeah.

MJ's look of disgust. I hate socks. I'm wearing them right now. I can't stand it. It's like the way people talk about taking their bra off at the end of the day, that's how I feel about taking off my sock. And I hate like always,

people. I mean, it just drives me. Ed gets a pass. He's like the only one. The people who just only, it's all just feet, especially the people like, I'm of the land. But any of those kinds of people make me want to fucking take a machete act. You know anybody that is of the land, Holden in Los Angeles. Who you're talking to is of the land. You know, back in the day when I was sort of messing with those guys, maybe Tallahassee, Florida, I think I knew. I've known you this entire time, Holden. I mean, you know. I talk to those kinds of people a little bit. You know what I mean? Yeah, but I was going to start yelling about Jeremy Strong.

Not yelling, though, because this performance in Succession is unbelievable. And if you guys watch Succession or if you have been on the internet, you know around the holidays not a whole lot celebrity-wise happens. But there was this huge bend him over profile that was released in The New Yorker about Jeremy Strong, who is Kendall Roy in Succession, who gives an insane performance. He's so good. And do whatever you want, man.

Yes, he's a method actor. And so he is staying each day's in character. So good. When he is on set, he is always, and to a point that even Brian Cox openly was like, yeah, you know, we've talked to the boy before, but, you know, he's a good wife. He's a good father.

And he's intense, but he could burn out. That's all we're saying. But I will say, look at his performance. Even Brian motherfucking Cox. Hop on Pop Cox said it. And that means it's true because Brian Cox, in mine eye, can do no wrong. And he referenced Danny Day Lewis in his early retirement. I never thought of it that way that it was because it was.

Yeah, he burned out. That's why he stopped when he was 55 and he became a fucking cobbler. It's because he burned him fuck out. And who was I talking? Wait, it was you holding? Mr. Lincoln can... I want to write this sketch, actually, but I'll just reveal it here. I want to write a sketch.

It's Dale DeLieu is as Abraham Lincoln on the set, and he's in character the whole time doing method. But all he could talk about is like the advancements of the future. You know, he's like, oh my God. Look at this. You keep the food cold inside of this cold box. It's amazing. How do you have him on set?

Refrigerator. Yes, Abraham Lincoln. It is a refrigerator. Wow, look at that motorized horse. What is that called? It is an automobile. Mr. Lincoln. Can we please?

get on the set, Daniel Sorry, I mean Abraham Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln. I was so confused about the reaction to the profile because I'm like, honestly, this dude is such a brilliant actor. Like, let him be a freak.

Let him do whatever he wants. Whatever he's doing is working. He's incredible. And like, actors should be fucking weirdos. They're all weirdos. As long as they're not fucking fish, who cares? But the whole thing is, and not to get too into succession, especially, I'm not going to

spoil anything, but like the whole thing in the New Yorker was like, he doesn't get the joke. It's supposed to be funny. It's a dark comedy. And like, fair, because you know, you shouldn't go against there. Like, it's other people. No, if you play it funny, that would be awful. Yeah, he has to play it deathly serious. He has to be that character.

Yeah. That is, he has to be that character. Whereas Gucci got it fucking wrong. There is in this, like, it's not that he's in a different show altogether. It's like, no, he's adding to the depth of how a fucking amazing this show is. 100% I think he's doing exactly what he's supposed

to be fucking doing. Can you do the Jared Leto voice again? Just one more time. Oh, what? And bald, it was just, I don't understand it. I don't.

Very funny though. Not, I don't think it's supposed to be funny. I appreciate the work of these people. If I ever had to work with them in any capacity, I would want to blow my brains out. If I had to call someone

by not their name for like extended periods of time. It would be so difficult. And even Lady Gaga talked about how what was it? Selva Hayek was like, look at this bitch. She's fucking standing in character. Why is she staying in character the entire time? Yeah.

And by the way, you talked in that accent for like months in a time and you still didn't get it down. Wasn't it better than that? It was like Romani, right? It kept going into like Russian or something, right? It was not. It was not.

I felt, and honestly, like, through for most of it, I was like, you know what, though? Gagah's doing what Gagad does. Like, it's not her fault. Someone should have fucking told her. But by the end of it, I was just so sick of hearing her that I was like, I don't, I don't know if I can defend her anymore. I think it's like, I know that she's doing it as well, I guess she could.

But I don't know if she should have been doing. And the fact that they didn't even ask Patrizia, who is still alive, they didn't even talk with her. Like, no one talked to the Gucci family. There was no inclusion involved. That's why honestly I'm very excited to see King Richard, which is about the Venus and Serena Williams and their origin story, and it is Will Smith that plays their father.

I've seen the trailer 100 million times. However, Venus and Serena were both involved in the creation of the movie, and that's the movie I want to see. My favorite part about the Gagah article you sent was that she was like, I picked up a camera as the character and sort of photographing everything.

There was literally, nothing in her history that said she was a photographer, but still I did. I was like, why are you in college? That sounds like the most like college girl-ass fucking bullshit-ass thing ever, like, that you're like trying to get into this role. Even though there was no indication she was in a photography, you started taking pictures of everything with your camera. Like, what are we doing here?

What is this? I would definitely want to date you, by the way, in college. But still, it's annoying. And also very talented in other aspects. Oh, I love her. No, I don't know. and if this gets Oscars, I just feel like, can I watch,

like I know that we work in pop culture? Can I wash my hands of the award shows? Like at this point, I'm like, I don't know. I, this is. Can I also say I love it? Can I say I love that this movie is what it is? I haven't seen it yet, but everything you say about it, I'm like, I love that this exists.

It makes me want to see it for shows. I love that it's like in the conversation for awards. Like everything about it makes me very happy. I mean, the only thing is maybe the length, but I'm going to watch it at home and probably over a couple of days. so that doesn't even pop in a watch like a TV show. Wait till you can pause it.

Especially if you have children, wait till you can pause it. Because you're going to want to pause it anyway. Oh, yeah, yeah. So what do you guys think? You're ready for Spaceman Jenkins to give you a celebrity conspiracy? I'm definitely scared of it, so yes. Hit me with the share.

Do you believe it? Jackie is a level one monster fucker. Whoa. I don't know what it means. Wow, space man Jenkins bringing the personal heat today. This one comes in from Bridget, who writes, no time for an intro. This information is too important.

Whoa. Does this mean I'm leveling up? Am I currently leveling up and I don't even know? Yes, 100%. In episode four, there's eight. I don't even know what that means. Jackie revealed how wet her slip and slide gets by Legoshi from B-stars and Nightcrawler from X-Men.

She questions if this makes her a reference. furry, and that is not necessarily true. Not all monster fuckers are furries. We just get all hot and bothered by humanoidish creatures. Jackie's an entry-level monster fucker because they are still borderline more human than beast. Part of the thrill in monster-fucking is that you are still human while you're getting dick down by the creature

from the Black Lagoon. You know that fish is packing schmeat. You know that fish is packing schmeat. As a slightly higher-level monster fucker, this is for Bridget. So Bridget can commiserate at least. As a slightly higher level monster fucker, I went from just thinking orcs were bangable, the gateway drug to monster fucking. Well, I was more of an end.

I'm throwing it out there. You know I'm more of an ent than an ork. Slow bang. You like that slow, slow, actually. Oh, yeah, I love a slow bang. That's a tantra fuck than an int. That's like a year-long fuck. If you're a monster, because she's got to move.

She's... I love giving up Auda song. It is one of my favorite comedy things ever. Giving up on a song is so funny to watch. I always didn't news lines anyway. I always loved the guy that was terrible at the song. I never liked the people who were good at the song. I always like the ones that sucked at it.

Orks are bagel, the gateway drug to monster fuck and getting hot and bothered by any big chunk of monster meat from Resident Evil. The task now lies with Holden and MJ to study Jackie's development into a full-blown monster fucker. She will reach higher levels, the less human her creature feature crushes are. Okay, so I am still level.

one. You're level one. I've studied Jackie's sexual development for about 10 years now. Where do you think I'm at, MJ? What level am I at? That's what you're in grad school for, right? MJ? Yeah, I guess I'm surprised to learn that there's more studying to do because I feel like

I know it pretty well. That's your thesis. Yeah, yeah. It's Jackie's whole situation over there. You are welcome. But then where does Godzilla law? I mean, I think that's level fucking four or five. I mean, that's he's a gigantic monster.

I think though, I mean, if we're going to throw it out there, I think fuck-wise, I'd rather fuck-Thing. Yeah, King Kong versus Godzilla, but in a fuck situation, I'd want Kong to win. Like, in a way that, like, Gojero just wouldn't. Like, I feel like I'd never level up to Gojura, but I would, oh, wait, like, King Kong would still, like, put me in my, um, woman's bassinet, which, begging for a woman's bassinet. Put me up there. Keep me out of, keep me safe. You know, I would say, you know, since Godzilla is more of a, uh, um, my momensitonet, which, beg in metaphor for the atrocities that we committed on Japan with the nuclear warfare.

Is that why he does he see me? Is always kind of wanting to bang a lady? I would think Kong probably what you would side with more than the A-bomb scenario. Predator with their hair? Tentacles? You know what? That's appropriation.

I think that hair. Is that? Oh, okay. Oh, yeah, a bit of an Ariana Predator situation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that was that one predator-four ready for fucking more where he licked that donut in the donut shop. Oh yeah, and they were a whole

underneath it, yes, I remember BDE it had. BDE it had. Yoda though, don't want to fuck Yoda. That's cross-lifle. Who wants to fuck Yoda? No one wants to fuck Yoda. Too smart. Too sage. I don't let him fuck anything that would be described as sage. No. All right. I gotta get through this email.

To reach higher levels less human or creature future crushes are, so keep an eye out. Now, this is just a theory, but I'll bet my clear internet search history, the Jackie is a monster fucker. Thank you to you for all for keeping me up to date on the hot gossip, so I don't have to go through those trashy Snapchat stories. I'm sending you all the good vibes I can as a gift for all the hard work you have done

for us fans during quarantine. Love you bunches, Bridget. Love you too, and also I think you are hired. Would you like to come and start writing? You can just write all of page seven. We'll read it, we'll perform it. It will be a teleplay. We can pay you very little.

You're a play, auto play. and we will do it for you. So thank you so much. That was amazing. Do you believe, MJ? How can I not? I mean, that's like an airtight case. Yeah, I think you are, and you've been playing Monster Prom lately.

Monster Prom and I really like, I like having a lot of sex with the monsters. Polygeist, don't get me fucking started. But I feel like that's, you're right, though, I'm level one. If I want to fuck Polygeist, who is a female poltergeist, who loves to you, drugs and she loves to fuck, but she never wants to fuck me. Um, but come hang out over on my Twitch. If you ever want to watch me try to fuck monsters, I believe. Now I feel like I need to really get into the depth of how far am I willing to go.

Well, the class, all right, of all the classic universal monsters, creatures from Black Lagoon, Dracula, Frankenstein, the mummy and Wolfman, who are we probably going to go with? I've got my money on Wolfman, uh, since you're essentially engaged a one. Uh, what are you going to go with? I would say that I feel like I am engaged to someone that's kind of a mixture between Frankenstein and the Wolfman. So if I could have a hybrid, that would be really great. There you go.

There you go. All right. What about you, UMJ? Would you fuck any of them? Yeah. Did you fuck a mummy, suck a mummy's penis or anything? This conversation does feel familiar. I feel like I have thought through this before.

And it must be with you guys because I don't know who else it would have been with. I mean, I know I've thought of. parents, of course. Probably, yeah. And I always thought about what kind of monster I would want to be, like, in terms of, like, I used to always ask, when I was teaching, like, one of my icebreakers was like, would you rather be a vampire, werewolf, or zombie? But I've, obviously, maybe that's a separate question.

It is a separate question than who you want to fuck. So I guess, it's got to be a, a werewolf, although maybe it's vampire. Did they count as monsters? Yeah. I said Dracula. Yeah. I think I'm going to go, I don't, I mean.

Dracula's never going to be yours though, MJ. Yeah. So it really depends. Like if you're ready to let Dracula go and be the Dracula he needs to be. Yeah. He's never going to be yours solely. I think that maybe I'm going with Dracula as well. But every year, Gideon wants me to get, wants to get me to watch more werewolf movies.

And so maybe by next year I'll have more werewolves to, be a hard for. Oh, okay. Like a Jacob, but he's a shape shifter, so don't worry. Different, that's a different category altogether. I would posit to both of you guys, would you have sex with the Grinch?

Does that categorize, is that under the monster category? Yeah, I think so. And pre-heart-worned Grinch too. Oh, yeah. I like someone that wants to be alone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think my yes was in response to

is he a monster. I think the answer to what I fuck him is no. Wow. even though he really likes his dog. Because he really likes his dog. That's a big thing for me. I think I would have a drink with him. Okay.

You'll see how it develops. There you go. Well, now I'm excited. All right. I think it's time for... The list? Yeah. I forgot the order.

But you do the thing. What's next? Is it the shout outs? Is it the blind items? You know what it is? It's because I can't see your eyes holding. That's right. I don't trust you.

You are now shifting. and I'm scared of you. It's high for the list. Who's on the list? Jackie, got to have that list. I've got snake eyes under these shades. No. Space Man Jenkins.

It's like the end of that thriller music video. The Nick Cage movie? That was evil with those kids. Yeah, exactly. That guy. I'll roll some dice. Now, I included two lists because I've decided, I like this new flare for myself.

I'm like, well, which one am I in the mood for? because one's about Christmas traditions and the other one is about people that took their roles too far but that had a lot more to do with like gaga but we know a lot of that stuff so screw it we're getting into the unexpected origins of Christmas traditions

yeah because we're going to talk about movies I definitely 100% now watch every year I try to switch it up crampus one I now watch every single year really it has leveled up in mine eye to something that like scratches an itch that I don't usually get scratched during

the holidays. And did you know that the first Christmas movie was made in 1890? Wow. What? The silent film Santa Claus is only a minute long but was very advanced for its time. It used special effects to show parallel action and to create the illusion of a disappearing Santa right up inside y'all but-ho. Now this I did not know. Charles Dickens is responsible for the image of an idealic white Christmas.

Dickens' writing inspired the idea that the perfect Christmas is snow-filled. He grew up in the coldest decade in England since the 17th century, and his popular Christmas stories included his nostalgia for cold childhood holidays. Which I guess doesn't matter me, because now I went from Florida to New York to Los Angeles, and it's all, there is no white. It's cold enough here. It's cold enough. It's surprisingly cold here during the like wintery months.

You know what I mean? How cold? How cold is it? It's a desert, babe. It's a desert so it still gets down to like 40s at night. Yeah, and like the leaves fell and it feels like fall in a way I wasn't expecting. Yeah, totally. It's just not horrendous.

You know what I mean? So I'm all for the weather here during. I still went to work out this morning I still wore two hoodies over my sweatshirt and it was 48 degrees. It's weird. It's weirder I think like Florida, like hot hot Florida is definitely

it's weird when it's just hot like during Christmas. I agree but I don't need it to be fucking I don't need the snow per se. If the pandemic has taught me anything it's that snow brings like a temporary feeling of wonder and delight and I will take it wherever it comes

and I want it. And that way I don't with Charles. I was crashing fucking down as you get the slush inside of your boots. But did you know that kids used to receive letters from Santa,

not write them to him. Before there were wishless, Santa used to write kids as a form of discipline. For example, in the 1850s, the wife of the poet Henry Wadsworth wrote her three children letters each Christmas that told each kid

how they could improve their behavior for the year. Now, I forgot to ask you, MJ. I know old and your child is too small. Are you, um, subscribed to the torture that is the elf on the shelf? I think God. My, I thought that as soon as my kids like started preschool, like, like all these like cultural forces would come into our home that I had kept out like gender and the elf on the shelf. Yeah. And gender. Those are on equal footing. Gender has finally made its way in.

They've been in school since May, and finally, Freddy's like, what's a boy and what's a girl? And so we're, I do I couldn't keep that door close forever, but. Ooh, I want to get into that conversation, but that's not for here. I'm very curious, but. But the elf on the shelf, thank God so far, if anybody, if any of her friends are doing it at school, she has not brought it up at home. And I don't know, this is absolutely no shade to anybody who's doing it. I think that the magic part is fun. I worked in an elementary school.

A lot of the classroom, the teachers did it, and the classrooms had them, and the kids were, like, so excited. Like, where did the elf move? And that, of course, the magic. And here it's a nightmare for parents and for teachers to have to come up with a new fucking thing every night. Yeah. That's the, I don't have the, I don't want to do it for that reason. And it's just even more snitchy than Santa, you know. He's just the snitch on the shelf, you know.

And so I don't, I feel like it's coerce. Like the, you know. Yeah, I was talking to somebody who, who it's like, I forget what kid they were talking about, but it's all just the currency of the Nottie. Like everything they do at this, around this time is the currency of Nodier Nice, right? It's all, and it's all like completely superficial, like, doing good things. Yeah, it's just for the lute. Cultivate how, like, healthy behavior in a kid.

Right. So, but again, the mad, if you're doing for the fun and the gimmicks of it, like, good, good, of you because I do not have the desire to do like the fun. Like I have friends who do like every morning it's like a whole scene like a dramatic thing with like the cereal bowl

is upturned and there's cereal everywhere and like I could see it honestly doing it like the three days before Christmas like if you're going to do that I get it. Then you do the scene, do the old thing. But every fucking night that seems like I'd have to write down like I already have to do that with gifts I'd feel like it all year long I'd have to be like oh the elf can I don't know

put his dick in the sugar. Is that one thing that helps does? You take a fake gun, you put it next to him, you put a bunch of ketchup all over his face. You just be like you fucking, you know, blew his brain on. It's done. And he'll be back magically.

Three days before Christmas. We don't do off on the show, but I do say we have three different types of Advent calendars in the house. And so I'm working on the magic. Oh, I love Advent calendars though. I'm still, I keep fucking up and not getting one in time.

And I'm like, damn it, they're my feet. Every year, I'm like, I'm going to get a wine one this year. I'm going to get a whiskey one. this year and I always forget. But this year we have a chocolate one for each kid. We have a little toy one for each kid,

which I highly recommend. Each window has like a little fidget spinner in it or a fucking slinky or whatever, and that's been great. I want to get like a body part one. Ooh, I got a nose today. A human nose today. 25 body parts.

Yeah, I got a pinky today. I think it's real. You know what I mean? So, that's scary. But what's also scary is that the author of Rudolph the Red Nose Randeau. use the money to pay off his late wife's cancer bills. Don't worry, even back then, still a fucking issue.

Robert L. May was a copywriter at a department store. He was tasked to come up with a kid's book to give out to customers for free and created Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer. Since he was work for hire, May didn't receive any money for his incredibly famous character until he managed to convince the head of the department store to sign off the licensing to him eight years later. And then he got to pay for his wife. cancer bills. Isn't that great? Oh my god. Happy holidays, everybody. I thought Frosty was the saddest

Christmas story, but it turns out Rudolph is the saddest Christmas story. I keep crying every time I hear Frosty the fucking Snowman because it seems like an allegory about death. Yeah, because he's just going to melt away and nobody thinks about his existence until he comes back just like Mariah Carey. Is she a snowman? Now that is a conspiracy theory that we should try to unearth. And did you know Christmas carols were traditionally about being drunk. The first English written mention of carols were in 1426, but it wasn't until the Victorian era that Christmas carols started being associated with the church over the pub. So if you really want to honor the tradition, get wasted and join in at a karaoke at a bar,

which a-okay, baby. So I think tells me we're going to be doing a lot of Christmas caroling on Jacking with the Holdies this Friday. I am ready for it. And also Santa's reindeer were named Dunder and Blixim. The original version of the 1821 poem, a visit from St. Nicholas,

originally had the names as Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Prancer and Vixen. I'll comment on Cupid on Dunder and Blixom. Blixum doesn't even rhyme with Vixen. Fucking Dund. Why wasn't it Dunder Miflin or whatever? Hey, maybe. That's where a game rom.

Dunder. Get out of it. here. Last but not least, Hallmark created wrapping paper to sell more paper. And that's kind of fun. Hallmark gets a lot of blame for creating unnecessary holiday traditions, but it's historically accurate to blame wrapping paper on them. In 1917, Raleigh and Joyce Hall were running out of tissue paper, so they started selling paper used to line the inside of envelopes, and it took off. Very interesting, Jackie. What an interesting new list you brought to the table. It's great. It was a good list. Good list. It was a good list. I wish I could see it, but he's wearing shades. And, oh my God, I think he's going.

Is he actually blind? Are you need help? Oh, God. You certainly can't see them. I'm very scared. Are you going to continue to wear these glasses? And for how long? I know. I feel like this. I can't even remember what your face looks like anymore. No, anytime you're being naughty, Space Man Jenkins will appear. So just remember that. I'll have these shades at the desk.

and I will torture you, co-hosts, if in the future you are. Leaving the shades out on the desk. So anytime I accidentally leave sunglasses, which I currently have four pairs of sunglasses right next to my computer, I'd be like, God damn it, I forgot to put the shades away! And then you just show up. It's like, oh, get out of the house.

Yeah, Space Man Jenkins never leaves a house unless he's in a spaceship. All right, here we go. Do we do the intro or whatever? Who gives a shit? Abide. We can't see him. This playlist singer-slash host got ghosted after two weeks of dating a guy.

They added to her already depressing holiday season. At least no one knew about him yet publicly. It's Kelly Clark. It's not Kelly Clarkson. No. She's so sad. She's going through such a horrible divorce. So recently she performed a couple of Christmas songs like Kelly Clarkson Presents when Christmas

comes around and she wrote this song called Merry Christmas. to the one I used to know. And Christmas isn't canceled, just you. She said of the former, The holidays come with a whole range of emotions. I'm going to be real with y'all. When I wrote this next song, I was crying my face off, which happens even at Christmas time, everyone.

I had just put my kids to bed and I was just going through it, having a really hard time. And it's been a really tough year for a lot of us. And I wrote this song for me, but also because there aren't many holiday songs for people feeling alone or lost or just plain. sad, other than Dolly Parton's hard candy Christmas, which we all love. It's about getting through a tough holiday.

I absolutely love that song, and it allowed me to write this. How sad. Oh, man. Also, I will say, I do love Kelly Clarkson, but I don't think that she's listened to a lot of old school country. Yeah, there's a lot of, like, like, daddy, oh, what is it? Please, Daddy, don't get drunk. this Christmas, I don't want to see my mama cry.

That's a great, like, there's a lot of sad Christmas. Sure, sure, sure. Merry Christmas, fuck yourself. I can't stand to be in this house. Do you sing that to the baby? Fucked by Santa this year. Yeah, there's all that stuff. It's terrible, yeah.

You know, gum drops, fuck yourself. Yeah, all those songs. I love gum drops, fuck yourself. That actually only puts me in. a great mood. Got to put it on the list every year. Yeah, yeah. Have a holly jolly kill me.

Please let me die. You know, I love all that songs. I should be writing these down and you can be singing this to myself. Now I've got to smile on my face. All right, here's the next one. This weekly late night show has reached out to the A-List singer about hosting this season. Do we consider this lucky or toxic for her at this time? You guys tell me.

I know it's bad, obvious hands. There's no way to give like, oh. low-key Brady Spears hits, by the way. No, of course not. It's impossible. Yes, Saturday Live, what do you think? Would you, would you be excited about that? Or would you be, I feel like I'd be worried for her, sort of?

I'd be worried. I'd be too worried, I think. Yeah, it's too high stakes for somebody who is in an intense situation as her, I think. Honestly, I couldn't even, because I saw a lot of, like, big things to say about Billy Eilish doing S&L. I couldn't even watch that because I'm like, she's, she's not an actress and like don't give her that much guff. Yeah.

I'm sure she did her best. And I don't, it makes me not want to watch it because I'm nervous. I never come for the host, knowing how hard that show would just be as a. Yeah, to have to be dropped in to not know everybody. To not have the lingo that everybody has, to only be there temporarily and to be treated like an other.

Yeah. It sucks. It'd be a challenge for sure, you know. You just have to go with it. I think, I think I'd love to do it, obviously. I would fucking kill to do it, but I, yeah, especially for like singer-dancer types. You know what I mean? It'd be tricky.

All right, here we go. Final one. The celebrity wife of this A-list actor knows there could be a lot of court and interviews in her future. So she has dropped her fake accent, though. Man, I'm also so mad. Eladio! I'm mad at Aladio for 100 million reasons. But do you see like, because like sometimes the holidays is about not getting it right?

And so she posted like a picture of like so difficult to get all my many children that I definitely had with my own body in one picture and everybody's smiling. I'm just a mom. Right. You're not just a fucking mom. I know. So check it out. I can't stand that every woman shit. We're all mobs.

Even though during the Kelly Clarkson story when she was crying after putting her kids to bed, I was like Kelly Clarkson, do you? I mean, I love Kevin. I totally identify with you. And then Hilaria Baldwin being like, I can't get all my kids in the picture. I was like, fuck you, Hilaria Baldwin. Fuck you. So recently, it's so funny when I read this,

this made me definitely want to put this in the blinds. Recently, she went to Insta and wrote, I lost my voice in this giant cyclone of modern day media social and news. And to Alex, she wrote, I stopped speaking because of fear. You always encourage me to speak. use my voice, stay true. You are right and continue to inspire me.

So she, I think, is using this tragedy to claim that she has lost her voice. And then after she has, quote, unquote, regained her voice, she will no longer have the problematic accent. This is a plot way, like a story twist way to get her out of the obvious bullshit accent she's been putting on. I don't cancel jail. It is, I think, that is my theory. And if that is true, it is so.

so funny. It'll be like, you know, she'll lose her voice and then like rise like the Phoenix with like her actual way that she speaks. You know what I mean? Like it's so hilarious to me. I have lost my voice. After so much shit she's gotten for her accent to say I have lost my voice because of this tragedy is just I cannot help but put the two together, right? And to be like, no, it's not about the huge amount of attention that came on me for cultural appropriation. It's about the person my husband killed with a gun. Oh my God.

That fucking crazy, bro. Don't take a fucking time out. Go sit. Be with your fucking family. They can't. Go deal with other fucking shit, man. They can't. Well, posting.

Adios. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I love you. Can you see again? Is Spaceman Jake?

back on Earth? Space Man Jenkins' eyes burned off in a fire many moons ago, a space fire. So he sees using his own psychic energy. Spaceman Jenkins needs no sight. He can just, he's like Neo in the Matrix or maybe something that will happen in the Dune series at some point later on. Oh, spoiler for anybody. Spoiler alert from 10 years from now. It's like a blater book, but it is a plot mechanic that they took from it for the major. Either way, Space Man Jenkins knows not of film or TV or books, so I don't know why he's speaking about it. Back to you.

Well, thank you so much, Spazeman Jenkins. Yeah, fuck yourself. Oh, oh, I certainly will. How else am I going to get through the holidays? But first, it's time for the shout-out. Oh, shout, shout, shout it all out. These are the emails that you wrote in a bell. Come out.

We're gonna read to you. Come out. Ooh, everybody running a hide. It's the special holiday shoutouts. Don't know why I said it like I was a witch, and I don't know. I think I'm trying to scurry the elves. Ugh, don't depress yourself in the middle of the shoutouts, Jackie. Anyway, Dana, Jabal got you.

Dana, did you write in so that I could do my Arnold Schwarzenegger true lies? quote, no, you wrote in to wish your sweet love, Andrew Sutherland, a happy birthday. And I hope that you don't get that all the time. Maybe you do get it all the time. But what did Dana write about? For a... I wanted to send a birthday shout out to the love of my life, Andrew Sutherland. It is hard to sum up in words just how much I love him. He's my favorite person, my rock, my partner in crime, and the greatest gift life has given me.

kindest soul and the only one that always was exactly how to make me laugh. I couldn't do this without you, Andrew, and I hope I never have to. Sweet baby Ray, our cat, not the sauce, and I love you so much, and we hope you have the most wonderful birthday ever because you deserve it. Love, Dina! And, Kale, can I just say I loved your Elton John meat, puk, giving shit to, you know what? I'm going to throw it out there, Dom. it was a bad costume.

But anyway, you were here to shout out both of your shitty birthdays. Kale says, My partner's birthday is Christmas Day, and my birthday is New Year's Eve. I joke that I found the one human on Earth with a worse birthday than me. I love Christmas. But New Year's Eve is the worst holiday ever, and now we both get to do whatever the fuck we want around the holidays, because I can just put on my most annoying, holding baby voice and scream,

but it's our birthdays if someone asks us to do something we don't want to oh my God I can feel it and you know what I say God bless it Don has been through a lot with me the last two years and stuck around even while I struggled through a borderline personality disorder diagnosis he truly makes me a better, happier, less depressed, depressive

and I love him with all my heart. Happy birthday to the love of my heart. of my life. I love you all. I'm off to watch Muppet Christmas Carol for the eighth time this month. God save my broken little body! Oh, I know the quote! And thank you so much, Kail, and I hope that you can get Dom a Corona from me, and then it's only because of the Fast and the Furious, and I hope that he doesn't hate me for only seeing him as a Vin Diesel in my head, but also, you're welcome, but oh my Christ, it's a double-domber! Better watch your holes because Double Dom is on the scene, And what the fuck do you mean by that, Jackie?

There's another Dom birthday happening during the shittiest time of the year. Ah! Kael and Dom, you gotta find other Dom. Anyway, okay, here's a shout-out from V. I want to give a special birthday shout-out to the love of my life, Dominic. My actual Christmas miracle. He was born on Christmas, so naturally, Jesus Christ tends to steal the spotlight on his special day. Anyway, happy birthday, Dom-y!

You're my lover, my bestie. my cuddle buddy, my travel partner, my sexy sugar daddy, shoulder to cry on, the only person I want to share my food with, the one I think about before I go to sleep, and as soon as I wake up, all that mushy shit, but you really are the best. You bust your ass and put your heart into everything you do, and your humility, loyalty, passion, and love knows no bounds. I love how you're always excited to try new things and are always game for my spontaneous road trips and getaway. I know we're soulmates because what other hot daddy would join in on my BTS obsession and also not judge me when I turn on Riverdale? Who else would not get annoyed, but encourage my spamming of dumb memes and animal videos to you while you're at work? Oh yeah, I'm in this for the long haul, baby. December 25th is your day, baby, and I can't wait to spend another one together, plus many more to come.

Here's to a badass Christmas in Vegas. Oh my God, V, can I come to y'all's Christmas in Vegas? But it is a weird similarity, I feel like, Dom's and Dom's on Christmas B days. But there's got to be some kind of kinetic energy. You must find each other. But, Jackie, keep going with the shoutouts. This isn't Twilight. Thank you so, so, so much, Jenna, for writing in a special birthday shoutout to your true love, Portia.

I'm sorry I didn't get to say hi to you guys. at the live show in Michigan, but I hope you both feel my hugs from here. Jenna adorably writes, I'm shouting out Portia because they are the best thing that has ever happened to me. They are strong, kind, uproariously funny, and an inspiration to me every day. I want to be the best version of myself to keep earning Portia's love this and every birthday to come. Jackie M.J. Holden, it would mean the world to me if you would join me in wishing my love,

Portia a very happy birthday. We love you, Porsche. I hope you have the best day. And I hope that you both make it through the holidays. And thank you. Oh my God. Taylor wrote in. Taylor, thank you so fucking much for providing a go-fund me for some of the horrible devastation that happened in Kentucky. From the tornadoes, Taylor writes, I wanted to give a shout out to my community in Bowling Green, Kentucky. This past week, my hometown was dead. devastated by the tornadoes that hit in the south and Midwest. Many places that I used to go every day are now completely unrecognizable. I live in Brooklyn now, but my heart is with my people in Kentucky as we grieve the loss of lives and homes.

Kentuckians are as strong as our fried chicken is good, and we will make it through anything. If anyone wants to help, please donate to the Kentucky Relief Fund at GoFundMe. If you research, if you look up, Kentucky Relief Fund, GoFund Me. and there's a student effort to gain some relief for the tornadoes. I know it didn't just hit Kentucky. Oh, my God. It just, oh, the footage was a nightmare. Global warming exists.

It shouldn't be happening in December. I'm going to put my meteorology hat over to the side. Thank you guys for sending in your shoutouts. I hope you guys have a great holiday, and I hope that we make it through unscathed, and we will make it past this. I promise you. We got to make it.

to cats. And thank you guys so much for sending in your shoutouts. You can send in your shoutouts to page sevenpodcast at gmail.com. That is seven the number, page seven podcast at gmail.com. I love you guys. And thank you guys again so much for writing in. And I did want to give a quick um, a hallelujah shout out to Sydney and Emily who sent in their holiday bingo. I did share it with Holden and MJ that, um, I think it's just kind of fun little holiday bingo to play with yourself to get really hammered when you're watching Hallmark or Lifetime movies that you don't give a fuck about. And I really appreciate you because that's my reason for this season.

And thank you guys so much for joining us today for page 7. Now, we're not going to be back next week, but we will be back the week after and then every week until the end of time. So we will miss you guys, but come hang out for Muppets Christmas Carol. And then we're going to have the holiday week. the week that shall not be named and we'll get past it and then we're going to come back

we're going to have a new and we're going to have a new episode and then we're going to watch cats together so next week we're going to have a review our original review of cats will be out next week so that you can review and remind yourself and then we will watch it together

and I'm very excited about that so come join us my name is Jackie Zabrowski you can follow me on Instagram at Jack That Worm come check out the Muppets Christmas Carol page 7.6 along over on Twitch.tv forward

slash, oh no, it's Jackie. The information is also over on our Patreon. Patreon.com forward slash page 7 podcast at a 7 number. And we're going to have so much freaking fun. And if you can't join us, I will be posting it on our Patreon afterwards, so you can definitely

still check it out. Hell yeah. Yeah, check me out. Twitch.tv. forward slash hold naters ho. Love those emails, man. Coming in about blind items and conspiracies, page the number seven podcast at gmail.com. Kisses and misses. You know, I'm really gonna be thinking about you guys

when I'm fucking riding a rocket ship straight through Mars. Put a hole in Mars. Fuck. Yeah. I don't know. I feel weird. Like I ate an edible, but I didn't.

I don't know what's... I think it's because you still have shades on your eyes. I would did Chipotle earlier with this on. No, you did not. Yeah, totally. It was across the Warby Parker. You did your Chipotle extra meat trick with your

fake glasses on? Dude, I'm fucking at a speed home after, dude, it's been a while. I can't believe you didn't say this up top. All right, my name's MJ, I'm MJ KLKad on Instagram. We don't need to hear any more about Holden's Chipotle experience.

No, we know how that story goes. We love you guys so much. Have a safe holiday. Oh, no. Oh, God. Be safe. Don't, don't hit anyone in your family, even though I know that the pressure is on. We will make it through and we will be back soon. We love you so much.

We'll talk to you soon. Bye, everybody. Bye, cuties. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors, you can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to lastpodcastnetwork.com.