Page 7 - Ep. 430: My Power to Ye

Episode Date: December 30, 2021

This week we're gossin' 'bout Holden's patented Sad Boy Christmas Birthday, reminiscing about the filmic experience of Cats ahead of the Twitch watch tonight, the intricacies and conspiracies of the ill-fated horoscopes, poor editing choices in music videos leading to some weird feelings, is Jackie the Charlie Browniest?, the misplaced rage we're filled with for the Harry Potter Tournament of Houses, Holden gets fired up about people on the Internet having a good time, the adorableness of Tom Holland and Zendaya and how it brings out Jackie's inner Linda, gooey squirty tasteable TV screens, Ye's new home inside Kim's cupboard, and in celeb conspiracy corner; The Curse of the Yellow Wiggle?! Also an unbelievable list, the blinds, and SHOUTZ! Want even more Page 7? Support us on Patreon! Patreon.com/Page7Podcast  Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

A roast as dark as the night, perfect for fueling the crypted research and mad ravings required for your podcasting. Don't mind the red eyes. He's just trying to warn you of the bridge. The bridge! Finally, from the caffeine-addled brains of Spring Hill Jack Coffee and Last Podcast on the left, rebring you, Mothman's Red Eye Blend. Yes, delicious Panama beans. Go to Last Podcastmerch.com to order yours today.

A song that nobody cares about, and it's the song I listen to multiple times between Christmas and New Year's. Man, my old lover in the grocery store. The snow was falling Christmas Eve. I stole behind her in the frozen foods, and I touched her on the sleeve. You guys aren't remembering it, so I'm dropping to the chorus. Okay. We track our toast to wintersense. Baa, ba, ba, ba.

But neither one. I'm singing same old lang sign by Dan Fogleberg. It's about lost love. It's about past mistakes. And it's about remembering them at the holidays. Welcome to page seven. Welcome, everybody. And a jingle, jolly jangle to you and yours.

Everybody's pissed off. Everyone is upset. I'm doing great. We are here. This is about to be bat shit. Strapping, it's gonna be a weird episode. I've had this complex for a while that I think when things are going bad

for most other people, that's when things go well for me, right? That's a great complex, Holden. And when things are going, poorly for me is when everybody's like doing great, right? Yeah. And that's the trade-off, right? So I had like the best week

I think I've had in months. Happy birthday, by the way. Happy birthday. Thank you so much. Birthday no one cares about. The birthday no one needs. No one. No one cares.

It is, I think I've done four fun things on my birthday. This is the thing, all right, for people out there. Just know. It is the curse. And Winnie has, ooh, mm-mm-wright, right nested right in August, just before the holiday starts the summer still. Right at the end of the summer, everybody's going to be like, oh, what should we do? from the end of the summer. What fun fucking thing are you do?

It's Wendy's birthday. Why do you think Leo's are Leo's? And why do you think Capricorns are Capricorns? Yes. It makes, I mean, the horrors comes from somewhere. I am a goat with his head in the fucking

sand. You're a fucking sea goat. You are a mythical hybrid. And you are a fucking ostrich bitch. And you know I win. And I'm called an ash bitch. Thank you very much. And I made a portmanteau.

toe, right? You definitely made a poor man's toe. Am I right, people? Oh, is a cold jack, I believe his name was. You've grabbed him by the toe, I believe, is what it happened.

I'll get it on there. MJ, how you doing? So Holden's doing great. I am a shell of a human being, MJ? I'm also a shell of a human being. I was sad of my birthday a little bit. I will throw that out there.

I was sad of my birthday. Why? That's relatable. It doesn't exist. Yeah. It doesn't happen, and everybody got COVID and everything's locking down, like literally on my birthday.

Like, on my birthday, everyone was just like, hey, just so you know, the world has it. Yeah. It was really funny, though, because like, oh, it's going to be nice. We're all going to be able to see each other. And then no one. No one even showed up to your Zoom call. No. That's rough.

It's, again, it's, you know, and fucking April and 2020, we were all like, let's hang out on Zoom. And now everyone's like, fuck off with your Zoom calls. And I was kind of glad they did it. It was just Henry and Natalie. Well, we had a really fun stream. And thank you again, Jackie, for doing the money pit. And I did win over $1,000 in the money pit. So he's fine.

There you go. That's the highest the money pits ever gotten. That makes me feel better for not wishing you a happy birthday on your birthday. Yeah, who gives it? I'm like, dude, wish yourself a fucking happy birthday. I don't give a fuck. You know what I mean? But to be fair, I know your birthday is like always sad even before the pandemic and is now

been extra sad. Why it's Sad Boy Christmas, why I coined Sad Boy Christmas, because I always have a birthday that shouldn't exist. You also, your birthday, Katz, 2019 is in my, not only just top memories. That's one of the four fun ones. Yeah, I'm glad it's one of your four fun birthdays. It's definitely, it was like the first time I had fun since, like, fun not loving my baby fun, but like, first time I had fun, like, since having a baby. You can fess up. It's a safe space.

It's a safe space here. Real fun. I don't think your kid's feelings are going to be heard. Like, I had real fun. I left the house with a, when he was, I mean, I was going to say Zelda was almost exactly when he's age. Which kid? Oh, no, you're finally hitting the age. All of you guys. Jack, whatever. Jessica. I don't know. Child. Get here. Both August birthday is Zelda and Winnie. And so you can imagine about your baby's agehold and leaving the house for the first time to go see cats dressed as a dog. with you for your birthday in 2019 right before the world shut down. Fantastic, fantastic memory

that we will be doing our best to recreate the good vibes of this week. I will be trusted as a dog. I am so excited to do the Cats Watch Along. There will be no singing. We will just be laughing and making fun of it. Maybe, well, by the end, we'll be drunk. I'm gonna say, I mean, you can't make me not sing memories.

The reason why I don't really say singing is just, because it's such a baffling, and now I've seen it like two or three times now. It's such a baffling viewing experience that like you forget how singing happens. It's hard. Yeah. You forget that you can sing because you're just like, why would they make this? What would this? What is, is this?

Because you forget what a movie is at a point watching. You're like, wait, wait, are we in a restaurant right now? Or are we watching a movie? Because I don't know anymore what things are. It just loses. It's like we've all been through this as comedians. in New York City, where you see a comedy show so bad, you're like, I don't even know what comedy is anymore.

Like, I don't even know what it is. Am I funny? Is it funny? Yeah, is anything, what is even funny at this point? Or how do you try, like, it's just so atrociously bad. And, you know, cats, again, I do stand by it, though, is, I may say, at the end of my life, like, my five favorite movies are, and one of them will be cats. Because that's what they ask, when they're measuring, when they're weighing your heart,

to see how you are as a person. If I need time to go away. Right? It's like I just, I'll watch that movie probably way more times than I'll watch like really important films. You know what I mean? Like ordinary people you've seen once,

cats you've seen ten times. Yeah, I will, yeah, exactly. Although I've seen ordinary people, you know. I was going to say, I know you like a repeated viewing of ordinary people. Ordinary people was so funny for me. I was alone drinking, threw it on. and I was literally watching the whole time

I was like this ain't gonna get me this is like this surprises me you're drinking alone and you put out ordinary people and then right at the last lane when he's like I love you dad or whatever and like he hugs his dad or whatever and it just pulls out

and I just was sitting on the couch I just went I was laughing at how loud and obnoxiously I was crying like and I it snuck up on me so hard like I had no idea I was gonna cry and then all of a sudden it just that pan out shot And I just literally was crying and laughing at the same time at my own crime.

I want to do a back-to-back viewing. I want to do ordinary people. Then I want to watch other people. And I want them to duke it out for which movie will make you just uncontrollably lose your mind sob more than the other one. In fact, I think I might watch other people tonight. And yes, I am referring to the Molly Shannon. She's dead at the beginning. And the rest of it is just Jesse Plemons trying to.

go through his relationship with his mother, his relationship with his parents, his relationship with himself. And it's just so sad. And I'd like to watch them back to back. And I think that's what I'm going to do tonight because I want to feel. I want to feel.

I've had two tequila drinks before the show started. There you go. We started over an hour late because we needed to vet to each other. That's when you know it's going to be the episode. A lot of venting. I've barely left my house in approximately 14 days and really much longer,

but in a literal way about 14 days. I'm in the office where I usually record and there's three small flies. And I swear to God, this is going to be how I stamp. The Starbucks drink order is a venty today. It is a venty Starbucks drink order today, my friend. I have held it together, transit department. With two very young children who were 15 months apart for two years in a pandemic. Yeah.

I have held it. I have deep breathed through the thing and I have powered through and I have been proud of myself for how I've gotten through. And these three little flies is going to be like, oh, who destroyed that building? Why? It was suddenly there was just carnage. Oh, my God. Yes.

There was just shin go jira on the whole building. I would love to watch it happen. You know, I can't just scream because it's an apartment building. so everyone would hear, police would probably be called. I think everyone at this point understands, though, right? Doesn't you guys just hear, like, I feel like I do see on my street people just walk outside and just go like, ah!

Because I've been doing that. Am I the only one doing that? I mean, and I do the pillow, MJ. You grab a pillow and you put it up against your face and then you scream into the pillow. That's what I did. Many a newborn flip-out day. I should try screaming into the pillow.

Because for all the times I try to tell my kids, It's like it's totally okay to be mad. We just have to figure out, like, what to do with our mad. Like, we can't hit, you know, it's not great to throw your food across the room. Like, let's think of other ways. Set the curtains on fire. It's not cool to go find a raccoon and rip its guts out and show mommy. No, I love raccoon.

It's not cool to do that. You've got to find other things. But I have yet to figure out what my own, you know, what my own mad, what to do with it. Because there's nowhere to put it. Where do I put it? No, well, and I'm sorry that I can't let you know. I don't know what your house, your horoscope sign, does for you, MJ, but I need you both to know that Capricorns, which is what Holden is. Because we never talk about Holden's birthday.

I did look up some stuff on Capricorn. Yeah, because it's a dog shit day. It is a dog shit day that you have, but we're turning into cat shit and isn't that nice. Cat's nice than dog shit. The hatchet is I's or the dog shit, depending on the cat, depending on how sick they are. But did you know that Capricorns are ruled by the knees, making it easier for them to climb? They scale the steepest of mountains that your horoscope is of the knees. How do you feel about that whole day?

The long, slow journey up the cliff, and I'm really good to give them blow jobs. So that's it. I love the knee. I love to watch it. Yeah, I never need a knee pad or anything. I just get down there and I fucking. slam that rod until it is just exploding. I'm like, dude, can you stop coming all over my fucking...

Such a sacchar. It's a catacorn. It's a catacorn. He's a catacorn. I'm like, I know you're coming, bro. It's all over me. It's dring. It's all in the knees.

I look like a ghost right now. I look like I'm covered in fucking ecoplata. Like I, you know what I mean? Like, Cyra just fucking slid through here. I know I'm good at it, but can you start? He's literally still doing it while I'm saying all that too. All in the knees, bro. This is ridiculous.

All in the knee strength because of your sight. All in the knees. It's the long-slige. What else, Jackie? Yeah. Oh, indeed. The Arndes Capricorn is a mischievous troublemaker.

Did you know that? That they age backwards. You're a bit of a Benjamin Button, if you will. That's true. Well, you guys don't see this, but I do actually have now tiny baby feet. And it's weird. It's the only part of my body that ages backwards,

but I have the feet of a thing. of a fifth grader. How do you stand up? I'm very impressed. Very difficult. Why stuff my boots with socks? It's good thing he's got such strong knees. Yeah, that's why I have such strong knees too.

Oh, God, you're right. Oh, my God. You know what I mean? It's just like, I'm just like, dude, did Elmer come through here? Because there's a bunch of glue all over me right now. Jesus Christ. It's disconcerting when you look down from the BJ and see the tiny feet, but, you know, you power it through. Yeah.

Good. God, that guy, I don't even know who that guy is, too. I was getting into my apartment, and we're having fun there. We have fun. I'm gay. I feel like, now, this might not be the first time that this has ever been thought of in history. I know nothing about the creation of the horoscopes. But do you think that they made them based on the fact that, like, yeah, well, in August,

everyone, you know, the farming, the things are changing. Everybody's got a little bit more farm time. And like, what do you think? Life? Tomatoes are in season. I love your idea of like what things were like in the olden times. It was like, oh, we're all having fun on the farm. Because the tomatoes and the peaches are fantastic.

And if you go to the farmer's market in December, what do you see? Fucking nothing. Right. Bread and apples. Bread and apples and a crying boy going, my birthday fucking sucks again. This is produce conspiracy because they also look at. the Aquarius, we got MJ, as an Aquarius, which January 20th through February 18th, which is right after the Capricorns, so that you have, like, you're the most humanitarian sign that you

bestow water or life upon the land in the beginning. So it's like, oh, okay, we got to like get people going because we're all, got to get these Capricorns out of here because they're all moved, and their knees are just, oh my God, they never been, but they always suck. And I don't, I wonder if it is some sort of. of produce conspiracy. I laid on the table. How do you feel? Thank you for laying that on the table.

I reject it. No, come on. I am. Do you identify with other cats? You and Marcus are both the third host of this very show has always been on Capricorn.

You and Mark are so jovial and excited. No, you're cold, unemotional, and cutthroat, which are three of the traits of a Capricorn. I can definitely be cutthroat. I could definitely be cutthroat. I could definitely.

be fucking cutthroat. Emotional though, I'm incredibly emotional, especially now that I have the, oh my God, this guy, I gotta show you this gift, Lexi got me.

It's this, it's this little book and it's like me and Winnie. It's like Winnie, you'll always be my little girl and it's just this little book she got me and it's like,

cartoon versions of us. And it's, I was just like, you're mean. You're mean for doing it. Like, I was just cover, like tears just running down my, I was ridiculous.

I cry all the time. Every time it's like paid seven in an hour, I'm like, oh, of course. He's always crying. No, it's because of your matter of perspective. It's because you're rational. You're perceived as unemotional. So that's the whole thing. Yes.

It actually is very much like you and Marcus. Yeah. Where on the outside, it seems like, oh, we can just be like, I'm going to slap on his dick, slap on his dick, which everybody's always saying. And I'm like, please don't slap on his dick. You're going to ask questions. I'm going to ask him first. But in actuality, you are very.

emotional and it's because of your rationality and your perspective that you like to see things from different perspectives and take it all in. I agree to that. It's because you need to see the real emotions of it and then you cry while looking at a book with fake cartoon versions of you and your daughter. And I think that's why I love doing, you know, pop history and The Brousin' The Bruiser because it is that exactly. It's like getting into the mindset of the people who created the things that we love or hate

sometimes. You know, and I think that that's, like, really fascinating to me. And yes, I do love to try to get different perspectives. I will say the two of the horoscope signs that you should not be friends with are an Aquarius and a Leo. I think it's very interesting. Wow. Oh, no. Work-wise.

Wow. No, but it makes good media, Aller magazine. It makes great content. Oh, yeah, yeah, exactly. Oppos it's a check. You can't remember that. I don't know how the song goes, but I know that's a song. Tuesdays that's bad.

You better watch out. I'm gonna fuck that cat. Again, it's weird. Yeah, it's, you bring up the car. I was like, God, it's weird all the stuff that used to make me horny that had like a cartoon cat in it. Or you wait till we watch cats tomorrow. I'm gonna say, we're gonna fuck some cats tomorrow.

That's for sure. I used to, back in my softcore days, I used to really go to town watching the music video for the Dukes of Hazard movie theme song that Jessica Simpson performed. She was wearing a bikini in that, and she was wiping down a car all sudsy, and man, I was just real into that part of it. That's fine. But also during my manipulation moments, Willie Nelson, just in the video while I'm enjoying

myself to Jessica. Something for everybody. I believe we've discussed the... Alia, are you that somebody video, which is completely confusedly interspersed with images of Eddie Murphy and Dr. Doolittle. And it's very disturbing

to your, you know, when you are awakening to your own sexuality and you're watching Aaliyah and you're wondering, do I want to kiss her? Do I want to be her? Do I want to? And then the actor Doolittle is there. The Paula Abdul, same thing. You're just like, and now there's just a cartoon

cat in my sexual fantasy and we're just, we're living on the edge these days because we are just years away from internet pornography being prevalent. And also, I was like weird about porn at first. You know what I mean? I was just kind of like, I was a soft. Were you scared of it? I was a Maxim man.

Oh. Stuff magazine guy. I just was like, yeah, I was just kind of like. What are you going to do? Use your parents' computer to look at. I did. Not yet know how to clear your browser history because it's 1997 or whatever. But it was in 1997.

This is even after college. I don't know. I was just weirdly not yet. Wow. You were like a hipster for porn. Once the dam broke though, whoof. Man, yeah. You got those knees and knee in.

I tell you what. I was out of my knees fucking just slamming away. All sorts of people. I think I went to Skid Row the first time I saw some pornography and did some turn some tricks. Okay, maybe not produce, right? But then you think about it, right? You got Leo's, then it goes right into Virgo's. Virgo's also very rational.

They've got very organized. And that's right as the, like, school season starts of, like, of course. Because then you have the birthdays, but, like, no one can really celebrate because everybody's upset. Because they got to go back to school. I feel like there's conspiracies. And they're like, I want to be back on the farm. I loved the peaches and the produce. It's interesting because, yeah, my brother's birthday is the August 23rd, which is also Zelda's birthday.

They both have August 23rd. They're the cusp. But John always felt like that having the right before, because in Iowa, I think school started like that week maybe or the next week, you know? In New York, it's not until after Labor Day, but like he always felt like his birthday and still feels like his birthday is kind of like the last sad gasp of summer. So he actually feels like it's kind of a sad time to have a birthday. Whereas I feel like Leo's are more in the like, we're still partying, you know,

but when you get to the cuspers, the Virgoes, it's a little bit sadder. Do you remember the Calvin and Hobbs comics whenever he was about to have to go back to school and just like the true. And every, sometimes I still think about it on a Sunday of like, remember the true depression of Calvin on a Sunday or at the end of summer

where he's just like, I'm like essentially like, what or why do we exist then? Yeah. To always be upset. I'm just like, wow, do I come? I mean, I bought all of the Calvin Hobbs books because it was like,

my mom wouldn't give me all of the ones for my childhood because I would quote, ruin them. I'm 34 years old. I was like, what do you think I'm doing with these books? So I bought them again. So I've been reading through them again. I think that it's been helping me get back into that mindset of like, man, because especially watching like Charlie Brown Christmas.

Yeah. Like we did the pop history of that of like where kids are, they've got. Sad. Dark thoughts. I love, I fucking loved Calvin and Hobbs and I loved Pete. Sam. I don't know if people know classic old peanuts. My dad had these books that were like from the 50s.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. collections of peanuts. And I was, as a, like, deeply lonely child, I was obsessed with him because Charlie Brown is so fucking depressed. And he's so sad. And he feels so alienated. And it is not sugar-coded. And I tweeted about this over the break because I was showing the kids Charlie Brown Christmas. And I love it because, like, all kids media now, I think for the best, probably, is, like, examples of, like, how to talk to each other. Like, if you're frustrated. Yes. It's communication. You can do it and like, yeah, it's hard now, but if you keep trying, it's all about, like, building each other up.

And then I put on Charlie Brown Christmas for them. And literally, my favorite line in Charlie Brown Christmas is, boy, are you stupid, Charlie Brown. They're just fucking awful to each other. I love that. Charlie Brown is, he's like, I'm so depressed. I'm so lonely. I don't feel the way I'm supposed to feel. I don't feel happy. I've never identified more than this year.

This year was like even more so than. last year than watching it of just like, when he's just like, everyone's so excited and there's the lights and everything and I'm just, and it's like, of all the Charlie Browns, you're the Charlie Browniest. It's like, am I the Charlie Browniest? And they're all,

none of them are like, I'm the wacky jackiest. Yeah, dance for us, monkey. No, that's what the tequila is for. It is just very interesting that I think that there's more conspiracy behind the horoscopes.

I know that that's probably not true. But I'm going to start looking into it in all my spare time. I think we need to do some research on old-timey farming, I think might help a lot. It's learning when the farm people are at their strongest and at their happiest and when they're sad and when they're lonely. You know what I mean? And maybe that'll help. And when they use the hoe or when they use the rake or anything.

Ooh, and the Duke is a rake. Oh, God, Bridgeton's coming. back. Richardson's totally coming back and I'm so excited about it. But it won't involve the Duke Rake. So I don't even know why I'd watch anymore. You know what I mean? Might as well just go blow some guy in my bathroom,

which is weirdly something that's happened in these days. With consent, I will watch it. But you need to consent. Do you consent, Holden? Maybe. All right, we'll talk about it. We'll come back. And then you listen to same old Lang-Sign again.

And you just start thinking about, you know, mistakes and your life and how you're, You're like, oh, I thought I was happy, but maybe I'm just not thinking about it enough. There you go. But then we laugh and we smile and then we watch cats. And that's why Cats is one of the best movies of all time. Now, I know that we talked to you had to listen to the Cats episode last week.

And we are going to watch it tomorrow. But I'm so, it's been the light of my holiday. The fact that we're watching Cats. Same. I will also say some people have posited that this whole thing, began with cats. The cats is what did curse us as a society. I love this, Holden. I love your new, your hypothesis. This has been brought to me by like more than one fan. I think it was even submitted as a

conspiracy theory. Like, I, people being like, I'm pretty sure cats is what, how all this started is what cursed us with COVID. Yeah. And so what I'm thinking is we'll do this viewing of cats and it will maybe bring it all around full circle and we'll end it. Oh, that's a good idea. the loop by watching cats together and laughing and then maybe we will have a better, brighter, uh, uh, 2022 after that. It was like,

we laughed so hard and screamed so hard in 2019. Like we ruined the movie. Yeah. Experience for so many people in 2019 that there was like, yeah, God was like, you're not watching movies right anymore. You're going and you're like loving how shitty they are.

What if you were to never see a movie again? What if you were to never, yeah, be able to go. Your whole life is a lesson. Like it's Waterful Life, which I saw for the first time This Christmas. Really?

Oh my gosh. That's the one I watch every single year. That's the whole whole, that's my Bible. Just watching it. Which you guys could see MJ slightly trying to kill the fire. Yeah, so I like that once in a while. Are you glad that I haven't fucking thrown my computer against the wall yet? Because I'm on the edge.

I'm not going to catch it with my hand. Why don't I think I'll catch a fly with one hand? I won't. And they're about to break. But am I over here trying to catch these fucking flies with one hand? I am, because I can't clap, I'm recording. But are they right in my face? Yes.

But yeah, when were we even? Well, then I just started thinking, living on the edge. We're going to close the hole in the universe. And then someone in my chat, shout out to Kyle and chat was like, fun trivia fact, Aerosmith played the song Pink, which is about a vagina, at the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards one.

And I think that's an interesting point of discussion. That they did. I think that, you know, it was a different time. And I felt like I was trapped in a different time while I was home for the holidays, because multiple things went very awry. But one of those things is we had no cable and we had no internet. Yeah, that's an interesting factoid.

It is an interesting, it gets real weird when you don't have any cable or any internet for a week. And you have to go figure out the DVD player and watch only things from before the year 2014. So it was kind of like a no-man. but one of the things I was forced to watch by my family was all of this you're right you know when you're upset about a bunch of other things and then something like flies um like makes you snap and it was the hogworts tournament of houses competition so it's plain this to me because

i don't i still don't understand because is it 2014 i'm not sure yeah it's a hot uh uh a harry potter fandom is an odd thing these days, I think, to relish in. So they've got the whole HBO Max thing, right? They've got a big, like, everybody gets together and they talk about the making and movies. Bear in mind, this comes from someone that waited in line for every single book. I dressed up. I had my own rubs. I have my own wands.

My own slash fiction. Like, I need you to understand where I'm coming from. However, why the fuck is game hell? Alan Mirren, the host of a hairy movie trivia show. Oh, it's just the movie? It's just the movies. And I was just so mad. I couldn't, like, stop myself from monologing and to a point that, like, my mom had to be like,

if you're going to keep being this negative, I need you to go into the other room. I was like, fine. So I went into the other room, and I monologued about it by myself because I can still hear the television in the living room. from my bedroom. So I just was thinking about, like, the fact that it's a competition show. And I just don't understand why it was made and why it was on.

And why I had to watch all of it. It's a trivia show about the movies? It's a trivia show about the movies. And all of the houses compete. And then it's also like who wants to be a millionaire where the, I'm only saying this because I don't have cable, so I forget that shows like this exist. I see.

So this is a new, this was not a show that was on DVD pre-2014. This is a new show that's on a regular time. television that's not cable. That just ended. So I watched, it was only, I think only like six episodes in and out of the houses competing against each other. And I was just like, it was like, you don't have anything else to do. I was mad at the people that I was like, write up, write up, book, create a new story.

You're staring at these movies over and over again so that you could like finish the clip and be like, show a clip and be like, but did he? say foggers or did he say frogas? I don't know why. I think it's me. I know why. I'm filled with rage.

And I'm so mad. I don't know why it may be so bad. Why was something like this makes me too bad? I was so angry. And honestly, I understand if you enjoyed it. Especially the 2014 thing, it really is, especially if it's just...

I didn't know what year it was. I do hope that someday like Harry Potter can find a way to make a big return to the, you know, popular. They're like, maybe if we like, maybe when the, that person dies that said all the thing. I guess because that's the whole thing is that it's all connected. Like, and again, I am still a Harry Potter fan.

I am not a J.K. Rowling fan. Yeah. I wish that she would just go away. I wish someone would take away her internet privileges. Yeah, just delete Twitter off her phone. Right. Just stop saying things, J.K. Rowling. Nobody needs anything more from you.

You gave us a nice universe that everybody loves. Leave it there. And I did. I was just like, this is what happens. I was like, we need to get, I was like, cable's over. Cable needs to be done. I'm yelling this like, like a crazy person. Because I just, there's just so much COVID around.

And I'm in Florida. And I'm wearing a mask and I'm getting called names because I'm wearing a mask. Meanwhile, people are about to fucking die because I am upset about the show. It's not about everything else. I'm upset with Dame Helen Mirren. Why didn't you say no, Dame Helen Mirren? It's the money. And you know what?

She looked great. I will give it to her. No, it's fine. I'm not actually upset with her. And I'm not even upset for the people that enjoyed it. I'm mad at the fact that like sell something new, make something different. I do think that we should let Harry Potter the franchise be and just let it be the mining of the Harry Potter franchise for more things has been something to behold. Yeah.

I say more lip-sinking shows. I don't think we have enough. Give us more Tom Holland. Doing umbrella. All right, now we're talking about faux pauses. I think one thing I hate, like, you know, just like I hate, you know, calling your spouse your best friend on a really goofy Facebook post.

He is my best friend. Yeah, with Jeff did, by the way. Did he do that at me? Did he do that to me? Or did he just legitimately do that, by the way? Because Jeff did call you his best friend in something. Oh, no, he didn't do it at you. Oh, okay.

I just wondered. I felt a tat. Oh my God. It was about Holden. It was about his love for Jackie. It was about his distaste for Holden. You know what pisses you up, and the mass singer has this to.

I do not like over the top reactions by the like celebrity judges where they're like stand up and they're like, and they're like jumping up. It's like it's not that special. It's just a person singing a fucking song.

And in many cases it's a person not even singing a fucking song. They're just lip-sinking a fucking song. Oh, come on now. Have you seen the video? of Tom Holland doing umbrella every time. Two words, MJ, over it. Oh, no.

It was an oral history. There is a person who annoys me and the way that they are online and so I should probably stop following them and they were like, I'm dead. This is all, you know what I mean? All that kind of dumb internet shit. You hate where people are having fun on the internet

and you hate it? Yeah, we're like, this is the only thing you ever need to watch. You know, all those dumb fuck internet things sayings, right? Oh yeah, he's fired. up, isn't he? He's fired up.

I like it. He was having a good week, MJ. We did this. He's on his knees. He's fired up. He's had a great week. Let him go. Let's see what he has to say about the most beloved video on the fucking

internet. Go for it. Bring him down into the trenches. Don't worry, MJ. There's a whole oral history of just that fucking thing. Yeah, it's a whole article, right? He just dressed in a, provocatively as a, like, a lady and, and, and, and, you know, and sang a lip-syn to Rihanna song, the choreography.

Yeah, he looked great when he did it. The choreography, he executes that choreography very right. It's not a dancer whole done. But it's just what, it's fine now. But you know what I mean? He's now dating Zendaya. What is the, literally everything about. Blind items say it's a fake relationship, MJ.

How fucking dare you will never. It is not. We can't say things will regret. Okay. How we're all upset. The blind item said it. No. Wow.

because, oh my God, they were on the red carpet. So Zendaya and Tom Holland and they are dating and they're on the red carpet and she was wearing a really low-cut dress and there's just this one little tiny clip and she looks down and like, she was wearing low-cut so she went to pull over the dress a little bit because she realized too much of her breast was showing. And seamlessly, Tom Holland just like stands in front of her to give her some privacy. Because like they're on the red carpet, all these pictures being taken and then he goes back and like the look on her face.

That is not acting. That was an acting. That was, that's Linda I'm hearing right now. That was an acting. I love their relationship. I love the two of them together. Did you guys see? There's like a TikTok video compilation of Toby McGuire, Andrew Garfield, and Tom Holland all in the airport getting seen by paparazzi and and Toby McGuire is like deeply traumatized by it. and Tom Holland's just like, hi. But of course, the theory is that the paparazzi was much worse

in the early 2000s than it is now. So Tobe McGuire has that whole claim. Isn't it Toby McGuire or is it Jake Gillen Hall? He's in his car. Yeah, I think that's Toby McGuire. Yeah, awful. With Kirsten Duns, right? Yeah.

Yeah, it's just fucking atrocious. Although apparently Zendaya was like warned not to date Tom Holland because all of the MJs had dated the Spider-Mans in the newer ones. Oh, weird. Yeah, they have all dated. So they're like, you can't.

It's the curse. But you know what, Zendaya said, I don't give a fuck. And also, euphoria's coming back, and that's something to live for. I love Zendaya. And also, this has nothing to do with anything we were talking about.

And this is nothing to do. I scrape, it's, you know, we're in holiday season, nothing's happening with the celebrities. But what did you guys think about? I read this article while I was very angry, surrounded by a lot of angry people

at an airport, the fact that there's new taste the TV screens. And I was so disgusted by thinking of putting my mouth on anything that is not connected to my partner that it made me want to throw up

all over the terminal. Yeah, and just like, it just squirts out like juice. Like, it's not even, it's juice. It's a TV that squirts out juice, but it only has like 10 flavors. Like, listen, if you're going to make a TV where you squirt out juice that tastes exactly like what Ina Garten is currently cooking, then sign me up. I'll buy it. Yeah.

I don't want to lick it. I want to eat it. Like, the idea of licking it is, that's not like, I don't, like, if I had a garden makes me a Thanksgiving turkey, I don't want to lick it. You know, I want to eat it. But still, I would lick it. Yeah, but don't you want to lick Jeffrey's chicken? I would. If I had the option of licking or not licking something that somebody on the food network makes, I'll lick it.

But it's not even what, it's not like, oh, what they're making is what you're licking. It's just like, choose from 10 flavors. Chocolate. And you can lick that. Whatever. Like, I don't need that. How are you supposed to watch the screen if you're busy licking another screen? It's like, yeah, it's like subtitles times a million.

And also, looking at the inner guts of it, you know what? It reminds me of fucking Theranos. You know that awful fraud? The little file of blood. The blood taking machine. Oh, you should watch. What's her name, Elizabeth Holmes? Yeah, watch that documentary, Jackie.

It's about the, she just was on trial for the fraud she committed. She was like, she like basically Silicon Valleyed her way into like getting a bunch of investors to invest in her because she was like, what if you could diagnose all your medical powers with single drop of blood? Yes. The inventor out for blood in Silicon Valley. Silicon Valley, a great documentary about her. And I think a movie's coming out about it as well with a really good actor behind it. But regardless, yeah, it's, and it was like showing the inner workings of how, like, once you add like liquid to stuff, you know what I mean? Once you add variables, people always complain, they're like, why do printers like still jam? And like,

how have we not like updated the technology at this point? It's like, because every different type of paper is different. It has different stock. It has different... Like, you adding paper into, adding physical shit into the mix, it just, it's too variable. And it's so, it will probably always forever jam, because it's just, you're adding physical stuff.

So, yeah, it was so funny when they showed, like, what would happen when the blood would like enter that machine. It would just, like, break down, like, completely, and, like, blood would just be, like, all over the place. It's everywhere. That's why. I'm looking at this juice, this guy squirting juices into these

vials. It's so gross. And by the way, I count what, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten juice vials. Yeah, you gotta keep those juices in there. Imagine sitting in your home and being like, oh, I'm watching TV, I wish I had chocolate.

I'm gonna lick the chocolate juice off the TV instead of walking 10 feet to where my cabinet is. Get some chocolate. That's why I watch the Food Network already. It's because it makes me feel like I'm eating when I'm not eating. Exactly. It reminds me of I used to have food.

I got these Teenage Ninja Turtles Scratch and stiff stickers And there was pizza And it smelled like vomit Every time I would scratch out All fake pizza does It smells so gross Yeah

And would it do that too It'd be like if a guy's like pissing in a scene Would it like squirt out a little piss I mean I think of those The markers The smelly markers I used to huff the fuck out of those I am different now

because of how much I huffed those smelly markers. They're like, so I was like popcorn. I'm like, eh, duh. And like, I really would go into my mom. Like, my nose would be covered in marker. And now, can you imagine your kids coming in,

nose covered a marker? Because they've just been hoffing the scent. This, by the way, was the top story of the week that Jackie sent. No, Kanye also did move in to the house across the street from Kim Kardashian. Is that not just for the kids? though. Is that not just a situation?

I actually did think it was very cute because, but the memes that have come from it are very funny. I posted one that was just like, yeah, no, no, no, keep dating Pete Davis. No, no, I'm not inside of your cupboard right now. It's like a close-up of Kanye just like, he is right

there. No, he bought the home across the street from Kim Kardashian so that he could be still in the kids' lives as much but I love it too. He bought the home. He's tearing the whole home down. He's building a whole new one. And the thing is that it is great for the kids, but right across the street,

maybe like a couple blocks away. Like, I feel like because Yee, is so, has got a lot of undiagnosed or maybe diagnosed issues that he might not be properly medicated for. He did that concert with Drake that was streamed on Amazon. I watched a little bit of it, actually. And at one point, he's literally saying,

like, come back to me, Kim. like, I forget what exactly he says, but... Yeah. So, so clearly he's not like, ready to be done. So that's the part right. That's why it is a little... That's why it wasn't my number one article in it, because at first I was just like, man, this is fucking nuts.

And then as I started thinking about it, I was like, it's actually, like, thinking of yourself in the same... Obviously, I'm never going to be a bagillionaire. But, like, in the same place, I'd be like, get the fuck away from me. I mean, I know, obviously they've got, like, cameras and security guards or... whatever. But I did, my problem is that in this like worm time that I found myself in, I found that

clip that always goes around of when she's talking about like when Kim Kardashian, they were in an interview in Kim Kardashian's like, I love the pool though. I love the pool. You never go in the pool. And Connie's like, yeah, no, I don't. She's like, but we don't have a jacuzzi, though. And then he looks at the cameras as like, but we don't have a jacuzzi. and it is my favorite clip of the two of them because you're right. That's a crazy fit. It's like, oh, God,

like you have everything under the sun. But it is a little scary for him to buy the house. And then the third best story, this is just to give you an indication. The third best story is about Walmart changing out from McDonald's to a Schwarma restaurant. What did Jackie? I was so upset.

I had to learn about a bunch of drinking games from around the world, which I knew we weren't going to talk about. I knew he were going to. While I was reading the email and I was like trying to like focus and read the email and I was like, I can't my, I don't know what Jackie's

doing here. I read all of it too. I read every drinking game. And it was so bloated too with extra fluff. That's why you're a capricornholden. You are like, I will read every detail. This is why, because you sent that list

of the 11 cringiest most embarrassing celebrity moments, which I don't even think it was that strong of a list, but I do love that, and I'm low-key kind of obsessed with Machine Gun Kelly Lately. I do love this pop-punk album that he put out. I think it's legitimately like a really fun pop-punk album. But they said it was crinchy that he wore her blood and a little necklace thing. I actually think that's badass stuff. There's no one remember Angelina.

I was going to say. Yeah. Been there and done that old news. Whatever. I was like, dude, this list can suck my dick just like that dude did in my bathroom yesterday. Yeah. Holden McNeesey, I guess. He knew.

He's all knees. But I also love that he said, oh, where is it? He said something about like how Lucifer, even Lucifer would grab his rosary if he knew of the fuck sessions that we have. Yes, as we said, he said, Fox referred to Baker as Daddy, most notably while announcing his performance of the VMAs,

claiming that their sex would make Lucifer clutch his rosary. I'm such a funny. way to describe it's so funny. And I just see Lucifer like, terrified watching them fucking watching them do you. I like to imagine like,

well, they're fucking, like instead of thinking about like how nice the fucking is, they're just like, ooh, Lucifer would hate this. Yeah, Lucifer would fucking be mad about this.

I did, but again, it goes to show that during this time period, because you got to remember, people have to write articles, people have to put content out, which is why I said when I explained there is the video, Kate Middleton makes her TV.

debut playing piano. She's playing the piano fun. She plays piano. But what I did say, I watched this and I said, Ooh, play the piano. And I said that aloud to myself. She did a job. Jay Leno's job.

Kate Melton, you did a great job. But that was the top headline for two days. That's what it is, Jackie. It's every fuck-faced kid who would write those essays in high school being like an essay is an interesting way to make a point and a man is a person

with you know what I mean like that is an adult and you know what I mean and just like and they all got jobs writing for these fucking publications and I make you want to blow my brain I was a literature I was a double literature major and I think because I can write forever and actually write

things that make sense that aren't just superfluous and then you read these articles where I'm like who's who does it. But again, I also understand, like a Charles Dickens, we made the joke during Muffet Christmas Carol, of like, and then whence forfe they did.

When it's like, you're getting paid by the word, write, whatever the fuck you want to write. The drinking game, a drinking game, traditionally we do them so that we can be more drunk and this is, you know, like that whole drinking game article is just so bloating with. Even down to the fact that it was like Tiffany Haddish gets vaginal

smoking treatment after common breakup. But the thing is that what I didn't like about it was that they were just like how crazy she is she's getting her vagina smokes like there's actually a thing that is like that is a part of what people do to like like work on the pH balance of their vaginas it's in a 90 day fiance do you remember that fiance and also in binnam and what's her name wait who did that biniam and what's her name yes yeah and rye shitty ary shitty ary yeah but also in another one of my um polygamy shows I watch they did this, but then the guy ended up being a badman.

But they did show that, like, to get the pH balances properly, like, in this case, it was because these two women were sharing a penis, so they wanted to make sure that their, like, that their vagina was cleansed properly. But Tiffany Addish got the common right out of that pussy, and I say, God bless it. God bless it. Good riddance, common. Beautiful. Do you guys want to hear a celebrity?

How did we go over? There was nothing to talk about this week. How did we actually go up to 50 minutes? I think it's because, oh my God, do we genuinely like each other? I think it's also because this is the first time I've smiled. Yeah, it's been two weeks since we talked to each other.

We got a lot of catching up to do, even if there's literally nothing to talk about, except our rage. Yes. We're going to have so much fun at cats, too. Oh, my God. I'm so excited. I think it's going to turn these two bag of bummer beans

into a couple of Skippy Happies. bag of bummer beans. I'll be a skippy, Abby, please. Empty those beans out from me, please. Hit me with the share. Do you believe it?

The curse of the yellow wiggle? Jackie didn't like that one. Ew, what does that mean? I don't like the sound of it. This one comes in from Rachel, who says, I always thought this conspiracy was too niche and random to send in, but after a quote, Jackie is a monster fucker this week.

I am a monster. give it a go. I've also, I've explored a lot and we'll talk about this in another time, but I'm a monster fucker. You're a monster fucker. So the Wiggles, so here it is, the Curse of the Yellow Wiggles, the Wiggles are Australian children's entertainers who are extremely famous in Australia and popular around the world.

You guys could give a quick look up, see what it's all about. It's very like... You think we don't know Wiggles? As someone who is born and spent formative years in Australia, they take up a significant part of my brain. Yeah, I know. The wiggles are a four-piece known by the color of shirt that they wear. There is a blue, purple, red, and yellow wiggle. This conspiracy theory is in relation to the yellow wiggle, which some believe is a cursed role. The original yellow wiggle, Greg Page, was forced to quit the show in 2006 after suffering fatigue from a rare chronic illness

known as orthostatic hypotension, which causes dizziness and collapse. The role of the yellow Wiggle was filled by Sam Moran, who had spent five years as a background performer with the Wiggles. He worked and performed as the Yellow Wiggle until 2012 when he was informed on his daughter's birthday that Greg was returning to the band. The Wiggles took a huge B.R. hit over the quasi-sacking incident, which was apparently quite ruthless. In May 2012, it was announced that Emma Watkins would take over from Greg as the Yellow Wiggle, making her the first ever female Wiggle.

Throughout her time with the Wiggles, she suffered serious medical issues and had to miss shows due to severe endometriosis. On top of this, she married her fellow Wiggle Lacklin, Purple Wiggle, Gillespie, in parentheses, lull, into 2016, only for them to divorce the following year. Now, this is when I knew I had to do this. Wiggles were fucking wiggles.

Wiggles were definitely suck fucking each other. Backstage. As if life couldn't get any worse for the yellow wiggle, Greg Page returned for a charity performance of the original band in 2020 only for him to go into cardiac arrest during the concert. What? He had to be resuscitated by an

audience member. What? Emma Watkins recently left the band and has been replaced. What is in store for the new yellow wiggle? This one is real dumb. Sorry, love you guys, Rachel. There you go. I don't know if it is real dumb.

I think it actually is genuinely a cursed. It sounds extremely like the curse of the little rascals, but for the wiggles. Especially during the performance. Yeah, there was also one that I got. There was a curse of the, um, and in Power Rangers. But it was so dark. I did never want to breed it because it's really fucked up. Curses are, like, the curse of the Little Rascals haunts me.

Like, admittedly, I'm a Little Rascals fan, but it's, like, they're very upsetting when you're like, wow, everybody who's involved with this franchise has met a horrible death. Like, yeah, that's really upsetting. It's like, every time I watch Poltergeist, it makes it that much more horrifying of just like, Jesus Christ, like, that's crazy. Right, right, right, well, there you go. Do you believe in the curse?

How could I not? Of course I do. It's fact. Yeah, but also, I forgot. Thank you for sending. That's extremely important and relevant conspiracy theory. Indeed. As opposed to the woman that Dan Fogelberg is singing about in same old Langsign,

which is a real woman that he did love in the past and he couldn't be with her anymore. So isn't that interesting? All right. I think we got the conspiracy done. What do you got for us, Jackie? Oh, I got the list. Oh, who's on the list? Jackie.

Hey, got to have that list. So I've been thinking, like, I've been having things. And in my brain, I was like, isn't it so crazy how everyone freaks out over new things? And then, like, it becomes a part of your zeitgeist. So it's not that crazy anymore. And I, it's weird because this list happened to cross upon my path. That is the 16 dumbest ways people freaked out over new tech. Because I was in the plane,

bless you. you. Is it COVID? I didn't want to say it. I just didn't want to say that. I just wanted to be like, and I give my power to ye. Can that be my new thing instead of God bless you?

My power to ye. All right, that's my new thing. My power to you, MJ. But did you know that in the early days of Nintendo DS, people were afraid that predators could use the picdo chat feature to prey on children. This all came because I was watching street gang, which MJ,

I watch, and we talked about on Talking TV, which is over on our Patreon, Street Gang is about the creation of Sesame Street and how everyone was so scared about what television was going to do to children and how dare they make television that wasn't just a, essentially a commercial for things for children to teach them. So that's also part of where this little new worm time came from. Cool. Like that in the 1910s people thought kids who liked me. movies would be sickly adults, because apparently going to the theater often would rob them of exercise needed for healthy growth.

That would turn out to be actually video games. Very true. Video games would end up making sickly adults. But even thinking about in the 18th century Europe, the introduction of house numbers was often met with protest, destruction, and vandalism. The numbers weren't seen as a convenience, but as a tool for military conscription taxing. and government surveillance. They're not wrong. Yeah, of course.

You think about, like, you know, knocking on the knocker and it goes, oh, and he turns to Jacob and or Robert Marley, and, like, there's no number on that house. You just know that that Scrooge's house. Yeah. I wish I'd go back in time and be like, don't worry, we're all going to have tiny little boxes we keep in our pockets where they literally track your every move.

Every second. Every day, every move. It's inevitable to get to that point. There's an app called TikTok that really, figures out exactly what you like. I was listening to this reply all, another podcast, tech podcast. How, are you cheating on us?

Yes. Oh, well, I know, I took a break from just listening to page seven podcast. Yeah, I was going to say, how do you listen to a podcast rather than to just do them? For sure. I had to take a little break, but it was all about

how devious and smart TikTok is at, like, figuring out just exactly what you like and serving it to you. just feeding you it over and over again. They think that I like Mormons. They're constantly showing me all these Mormon families. Oh, no, you talk to me too much. That's because you're friends with Jackie, yeah.

I do. I do like a lot of Mormons. It knows what your, you know, what your friends are talking about. You know what I mean? So it shows you a lot of that stuff as well. And also I didn't realize, but TikTok is just Tinder, but for, like, giving you entertainment, as opposed to giving you that fat fucking dong.

Oh, yeah. But it really is. There's just so many things where you just swipe it. So it's like, don't like it, don't like it, could like it. It knows when you've been sleeping.

It knows when you're awake. It knows how long you're watching stuff. It knows like if you, you know, it knows if you were interested in something as opposed to something you just quickly moved on from and then it just feeds it to you. Yeah, but are you scared of your own shitbox? Yes, I'm talking about the toilet.

The first privately used indoor toilets scared the crap out of people. They were afraid that having a direct connection to city sewers would allow sewer gases to waft into people's homes, spreading disease and even death. And I do remember the two years of my life growing up in New York when we had to keep a paint can on a toilet because there was a rat that liked to come up through the pipes.

So technically they're not wrong. Yeah, that's so fair. Is this all just to try to explain like dumbass anti-vax, like anti-mask people? Is that what this? This at least gives me some sauce. Like, oh, people were dumb fucks. Forever.

Honestly, it is part of it. Like, I'm just, like, being in Florida and being called the names that I was called for wearing a mask in places because of my parents being indisposed. I was so filled with rage. Right. That, yes, I was like, there must be a reason that people are such fucking idiots. And I'm not including the people that are not able to be vaccinated anyway. When the telephone was. I'm including those people.

Okay, hold his inclusion of those people, but he is a Capricorn. When the telephone was invented, people were scared that it would attract evil spirits and the devil. The invention was so poorly received that newly constructed phone lines would often be sabotaged and stolen. But is this one not kind of true? I mean, has social media not just ruined this society in exactly the ways we were just describing? I mean, talk about an evil force entering your parents' home. entering your, you know, turning your grandfather racist, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, or you could do things like, I love this. Horseless death machines, which is what cars were referred to. Also, not wrong, a car is a horseless death machine. Horses death machine. We're so scary back in the 1800s that England had a law requiring someone to carry a red flag in front of them at all times when they were driven. The law was revoked shortly after people realized it defeated the purpose of driving the horseless death machines.

I honestly would prefer to call cars horseless death machines. I'm anti-car. Not anybody who drives a car. Of course, we all have to drive cars because of the system we live in. But I believe that they are horseless death machines. I want them abolished. I want horses brought back to the streets. Bring the horses back into the streets.

Oh, I love slipping around on shit. This I did not know of, and this will. in our timeline. Many real musicians thought that the rise of autotune was going to kill music somehow. When the tool's popularity was hitting new heights in the 2000s,

there was a contingent of artists concerned that the technology was going to make music creation too accessible, putting their livelihoods at risk. The industry somehow survived, but this, Death Cap for Cutie, wore ribbons to raise awareness of the technology

when they attended the Grammy Awards in 2009. And that made me roll my eyes so hard that they almost fell out of my face. That's sad. That's right. Yeah, that's really dumb. Who's the guy who's super known for Autotune who did the Tiny Desk Concert that's amazing?

I'm trying to remember his name. I don't know. All I know is that Cher did with, I mean, with our song. And it was great. It's a hit. It brought back Cher. Last but not least,

the first modern tampon was invented in the 1930s, and it was feared that the sensation of inserting a tampon would be too pleasurable and orgasmic for women to contain themselves, which is why the pad was brought in instead. I think it's great because, man, every time I'm putting a tampon,

I'm just like, ooh, I thought about you. But again, this is another one where there's some truth to it, not in the sense that tampons were orgasmic, but in the sense that when you were, if you only listen to what they tell you about vaginas and censors, and sensation, you would think that every time you put a tampon, you'd be like, yes.

You'd go. You'd go. Because, like, there's, there's no, like, discussion of, like, where the pleasure comes from. And so this one totally makes sense. That's not an important, MJ. Pleasure and sex is not the important, Mark. Come check out talking sex with Jay and Dr. Jay on Tuesdays. We're on Twitch at TV forward slash no, it's Jackie, where that's not the truth.

Real quick, it's T. Payne. And I love his tiny desk concert, because he sings with that Autotune, it's like really, really good. And he was kind of known for at bringing a ponds dust AutoTune really popularizing it. Oh, fuck it. Watch the documentary series, this is pop. I believe it's the first episode. But either way, watch that T-Pain episode.

It will give you the history of Autotune. And it's really fascinating how he was really dragged through the dirt by so many, as you say, quote-unquote, real musicians for really like adopting it and embracing it. I think it's funny now because I kind of used to feel that way, too, about Autotune. and now I just feel like it's just a style thing. Like I love Charlie X-C-X and she does Autotune all the time and she can sing. It doesn't mean you're not talented. It means not like it's just different kind of music.

Yeah, yeah. No, totally. It was so funny though that it did become this like real like terror to the music. People like can't stand Autotune. I'm just like it's fine. I remember. And especially around 2009 because it was like, wow, that song has AutoTune. Like it was such a thing, you know.

Yes. Yeah. Now I think it's just a stylistic. Yeah, I mean, Kanye with 808's and heartbreak. He used a ton of it. But I just think now it's an effect, not like a how to fake being a singer. Like, that's not, you know what I mean? It's not how I look at it.

Yeah. Well, that's my list, though. Oh, are you scared? Yeah, some very frightened. And also, see, yeah, I mean, social media is. Well, anyways, okay, yeah, this list. I mean, they're true about the computers being a horror to society. I like, oh, I like this.

Should we be anti-tech? I think that our careers would be over. I am really staring at my two monitor, my new curved monitor I got for Christmas, and I am watching you guys using a 3070 graphics card, the most up-to-date. Ridiculous graphics card. So does that mean you can see all the makeup

that I cried onto my face? Oh, yeah, yeah. It's bad, and I'm sad. Oh, no. I'm kidding, but I am blind. Oh, no. How did I fuck that second? way up. All I'd say was no, I can't see the makeup

because I think I'm going. I was kind of like giving you a setup, but I also it's blind items. Lid items. Oh, you can't see it. We're all all the parts. It's a team project. We are. It is a project. We can all the parts.

So here we go. First one up. Interesting callback to earlier. It would certainly have Gen Z talking about the award show, but it doesn't mean if they get these two co-stars who are in a fake relationship to host the show. That the ratings would be any higher. It was not all that long ago.

An actor and actress hosted and the show was never recovered. Who were that actor and actress that hosted back of the day that ruined the Oscars that year? You guys remember this? You don't remember this? Was that Anne Hathaway and James Franco? It was so bad. I love to. How dare they compare Zendaya and Tom Holland to Anna Hathaway and James Francoe, by the way.

No. Not in Hathaway. In Hathaway's wonderful. I love that they were like, let's get people we can control to do it this year. And then they did it and it fucking sucked. And they were like, let's get no host. Like, they just get, it was like, the only way you can have a host is like get a comedian who might not agree to every little thing you want. You know what I mean? This is like, I just, I think it's so funny with that.

But yes, Tom Hollen and Dyer, when recently asked in an interview about it, Holland said maybe in the future, but in all honesty, I'm just too busy right now. I don't have the time. But then he called back a couple of minutes after the interview, which kind of says to me, like, his manager was like, fuck you, fucking, fuck you, call back.

And he said, I just wanted to quickly backtrack on what I said. You asked me about the Oscars. You're the first person to bring that up and I'm sitting here going, of course I would host the fucking Oscars. I just went to the bathroom and I was looking at myself in the mirror. And I was like, what kind of fucking idiot wouldn't host the Oscars?

This is like his manager talking. So yeah, if they asked me to, I would be very fun. I would really enjoy it. And then he also kind of mentioned he was like, they were like, well,

Would you co-host with Zindai? And he was like, I might bring it up to her or something else. It's a Jim's house. You know what I mean? It's a Bill's out. You know what I mean? Nobody's not here. It's a Bill's house.

It's a Bill's house. Get him. My favorite Simpsons. What the hell you do with my money in your house, Frank? I've never actually seen that movie. I think I was always, as somebody brought this up recently, like, Holden always references this one movie line. Like, what's it from?

People like, it's a wonderful life. I'm like, I'm actually technically referencing the Simpsons. That's how I learned about almost everything first, the Simpsons, and then the original text. It said Bill's house, get them, and they'll run out. What the hell you do with my money in your house? Oh, Buffalo cows, won't you come out tonight? Did you have a little tear with their relationship, though? A little bit.

It got me in the end. That movie gets you. It's such a good movie. It is about- I think it's uneven. Capitalism. Yes. Capitalism holding.

I know. I'm down with the man. But it's also about love and it's also about feeling trapped. Oh my God. What a year to watch? I couldn't watch it this year. Honestly, because I was like, I can't handle this.

He's so trapped. He doesn't even, I grew up thinking that movie was about a man who always wanted to do the right thing. And then at one point I was like, he doesn't want to do the right thing. He's just being forced to. He just wants to fucking get out of there and he can't. And he can't. But he knows that he has to stop the unrelenting forces of capitalism.

So I'm saying it's like watching Charlie Brown again where it's like, did I just like understand Charlie Brown's Christmas in a different fucking level this year? I did. This is why you watch some Christmas movies every year because some text if you revisit them every single year, you will have changed as a person even if the text hasn't changed

and you'll have a different relationship to it. And MJ switch out capitalism with COVID and him with you and there you go. You got your whole situation. Yeah. You are just like, yep. You're just like it's one point. Standing on that bridge, talking to an angel.

I'll be the angel. Yeah, Jackie's the angel, so she's just going to be like, I'm drunk, just want you to get off the bridge. Let's go get a little drunk. We'll laugh. Let's go to martinis. I'll take a mold wine, heavy on the cinnamon, light on the clothes. So funny.

That's right, that whole, yeah, that would be great. You guys should do that bar scene with the two of you. We serve hard drinks for men who want to get drunk fast. And we certainly do men that want to get drunk fat. We don't need any characters given the joint atmosphere. What a funny scene. That seems great. All right, here's the next one.

Every bit of trouble in life of this A-list rapper has been caused by the actions of her husband. Whether it is cheating on her and getting other women pregnant or getting into fights with other women, that you get into legal trouble, everything can be traced back to him. They have split multiple times, but yet she keeps coming back for more

and then gives him that ridiculous amount of money. money. A. A. Mickey Minaj? Female rapper. No. Not Nikki Minaj.

Who has a troubled marriage? No, not Cardi. It's not Cardi B. an offset. And by the way, I'm kind of surprised you didn't have this on your list of articles because it's kind of hilarious. Cardi B recently gave offset $2 million

dollars presented on like a giant oversized like publishers. Oh my God. I did not see it. I didn't know that either. I thought that they had up their ups and downs. novelty check of for $2 million. What?

I do they had their ups and downs, but I thought that they'd been okay lately. How could you? Yeah, I thought that they were doing good out. Well, obviously she gave a $2 million. But that's so embarrassing. Like, why would she do that? I mean, that just makes me,

I don't know why that part of me just like, I know obviously it's go should like, oh, well, she's a, but you know, she's a billionaire. Right. Multibillioner. But like, that's very, ooh. So funny.

Also, why would you put your partner? down like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm thinking too much into this as if they're acting like real people. I think I'd feel different about it if it wasn't on a giant novelty check. I mean, I have always wanted to receive a giant novelty check. So I think that is what makes it. Oh, and it's his 30th birthday.

Hold on you just turned 39. How do you feel about it? I'll give you a- I would not refuse $2 million. That's how I feel about it on a giant novelty check. I definitely wouldn't be like, this is embarrassing. I'd be like, thank you for the money. I will say, man, some of the pictures

now I'm just looking at pictures of the two of them just like sucking on each other. Yeah. They do seem to have a lot of fun together. She looks great at the party. I think that they are the ones where Lucifer's clutching is Rosemary. I know, right, exactly. Yeah, I know. I feel like just saying Lucifer,

it makes you sound square even when you say Lucifer. We think he does to protest too much. I feel like it's like, you won't even want it at all. Right. And it's just silent grunting and like very normal sex. All right, last but not least. This female A-list dancing TikTok star is being hit on hard

by an almost daily, on an almost daily basis by this A-list married television show host. Who's the only TikTok star you'd like know? Addison Ray. Yes, Addison Ray. And what late-night show was she on recently, which got backlash, actually, for appropriating dances? Oh, yeah.

That was Jimmy Fowell? Yes, Fallon. Wait, is Fowland going after her sexually? Apparently, he's hidden on her a bunch on an almost daily basis. It's not a good one. He's like, you're a white appropriator? Hello, hi. Hello, I'm married.

I got kids. Every time my mom sees a picture of Jimmy Fallon being like on the television, she goes, he has a drinking problem. I was like, I know, mom, I know. And she's like, it's sad. It's sad. His daughter is a beautiful. That's like, well, that's it.

That's all you know. I'm like, you does. You are right. Thank you for listening. Mom, thank you for listening. Mom. This is where she gets her entertainment news. And thank you for releasing me from my curse.

You've said all the blind items correctly, and that is when the witch gives me my sight back. So there you go. I can take it again. Zap, zap my power tea. And now it is time for the shout-up. Oh, shout. Oh, shout.

Okay. I will. These are the emails that you wrote it about. Maria to you come. Two particularly amazing emails this week, before I get to the rest of the shoutouts, that were directed one towards Holden-McNeely and one towards MJ, and they do both read all of the things that are sent in. But I wanted to say this aloud because like Holden said earlier, his birthday essentially does not exist.

So this shoutout goes out. I'm starting off with Jade's shout out because Jade, thank you so much. Jade wrote in a self birthday shoutout, which I always love. And also, by the way, for you two, Jade sent in pictures of them and her brother in cats in high school. which are amazing and absolutely beautiful. But how fucking nice was it that Jade's birthday is on December 22nd and she shared her own shoutout

because she has to also share her birthday with a bunch of other people in her family that is close to they refer to it as birth miss and close to the fucking birthday of that manger baby that everybody loves. So happy birthday, Jade. And Jade says, more importantly, I want to give a birthday shout.

out to our lizard king Holden. The first time I heard him say his birthday was the 28th, I felt it. As a person with a birthday three days before Christmas, I know the struggle of having to deal with birthmiss. Birthdays around this time often go a notice. So I wanted to know that every year on the 28th, I think of Holden. And yes, I even celebrate by enjoying Holden talks for 30 minutes. Don't worry, Holden.

The first thing I listened to today was all too well, the 10-minute version from the vault. Lastly, I want to give some birthday shoutouts to my younger sisters. Yes, we all have birthdays within nine days of each other. Wow. Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Year's Eve, New Year's Day. Wow. My youngest sister Jasmine just turned 16 on the 23rd, and I know she's out there driving around,

listening to so much Olivia Rodrigo. My other younger sister is turning 18 on New Year's Day, and I'm freaking out that three-fourths of my siblings are almost actual adults. Anyway, I want to thank you guys for being such great inspirations to everyone. You've always been a positive life force of my life. LPN has got me through every rough patch over the last decade of my life. I love you all so much, and I'm so glad I get to enjoy Riverdale, Rivervale,

and twilight with some of my favorite people on Earth. We love you, Jade. Happy birthday to you and your family. But also, how wonderful was that whole? I was like, I can't not read this to you. My favorite thing, and this is a spoiled thing, but my favorite annoying thing is when on Christmas Day, you go down and we would divide all the presents up,

and I would be like, oh, man, look at all. all this stuff and then they'd be like, no, no, those over there for your birthday. Oh. So you're just staring at, you're like, wait. Put it somewhere else. Yeah, put it fucking away. Yeah, literally anywhere else.

Give it on a different day. Wow. Instead of just like, man, cool. All right, I guess I'll wait three days for that. You know what I mean? It's such a spoiled brat thing, but I just, I love that feeling. I understand.

You're allowed to be a spoiled bread. No one remembers. This one's for both. This one's for both. That sucks. See, that sucks. The presents for both that's got it Because like August, no one gives a shit

And like I know MJ you've got Valentine's Day around your birthday But also no one gives a shit about Valentine's Day I think there was times where if I wanted something like really big Like it would be like well this will be for both Christmas and your birthday Because it was like two months apart Because you're born in February That doesn't count But also that again that was probably me being like me wanting like a fucking power wheel

Which I never got you know But like a big. a big-ass thing you could split. But hold on, that sounds, I would have been pissed. And now, MJ, this one goes out to you from Emma. Emma, I just want to say thank you so much for this amazing email about the passing of your step-grandmother. Now, this is after Emma hilariously described sitting and being sucked into two different Hallmark movies. One, they think may have been called a doctor for Christmas and then immediately watch

another one called Swept Up by Christmas. And then they said, which is a, you know, it was a brilliant title for a movie featuring an antique stealer falling in love with a janitor. All of these shitty movies have brought me so much joy this past week. Because Emma said on Tuesday, my step grandmother passed away. When I was 18, I stayed with her for a month during the holidays. And we pretty much just got drunk and watched the Hallmark Channel together. I couldn't tell you anything we watched specifically, but we laughed for sure.

Mama Cass wasn't just a firecracker. she was a goddamn Fourth of July display. Accidentally becoming like her, a single woman who drinks by herself while cackling at cheesy Christmas movies and talking to her dog about them makes me feel like I'm on the right track. That's the right track, isn't it?

My favorite thing about her was the giddiness she exuded. It was contagious. She was a school bus driver in a small town for many years and had a collection of dozens of wacky hats to entertain the kids. Cass was just the best. preferred sir to ma'am and would flirt unabashedly with the burliest guy at the bar that day. God, I love that woman.

MJ, thank you endlessly for reminding me of these addictive comedic masterpieces that only happen once a year, like a lower budget McRibb for your eyeballs. I was already honoring her existence and our relationship after being enticed by your fandom for this televised garbage that I now also love. Hell yeah. Happy holidays, you wonderful people. And I will continue on reading our shoutouts, but I just needed you guys to hear those two specifically.

I love it. Mama cast sounds incredible. And I think there is no better way to honor. I know. I love that collection of hats for the kids. And I do, I forever, I want to be the one. It's like, oh, that's my grandma Jackie. She'll hit on you, but don't worry about it.

She's not expecting anything. Yeah, but call her. Hey, call her. Call her, sir. And thank you guys so much again for sending in your shoutouts. I love you guys so much. You guys get us through even the worst of second pandemic holidays. And I love both you and Holden.

I'm glad you're talking directly. I'm glad I'm the you when you say you. I was supposed to, you, MJ. And I was like, that's clunky. And I was like, all of it's clunky. Jackie, you've stopped speaking. So thank you guys so much for joining our weird episode today. We did it.

Yeah. I think I did it. I think for old legs on, you know, fucking out with the old and with whatever comes next. Hey, let's be done with 2021. I think it's a little bit better than 2020, but kind of dragging our knuckles through the final stretch of it as COVID rears again. It's ugly head at us and this, that, and the other. but we're, I think, I think 2022, whoa, 2020, right? It's really gonna be. This is gonna be our year.

I gotta feel it. Yeah. Not that any of us have any new year's plans because everything's been canceled, but I have. We're staying home. Stay home. Again, it weirdly works out for me. When everybody's having a hard time,

it was what was I going to do anyways with a four month old? Nothing. And if you're listening to this, the date comes out. Come hang out with us tonight. we will be watching cats. Thank God I need it.

We don't have any drinking game rules yet, but what I will know is that I'm going to be high as a kite. Smoking rules is really what we need. I think we do need smoking rules. My name is Jackie Zabrowski. You can follow me on Instagram and check that worm. Come hang out over on Tuesdays and Thursdays over on Twitch.com. Oh, no, it's Jackie.

Next Tuesday, Dr. Jordan and I are going to be talking about how do we feel sexy in the New Year? and how do we feel good about ourselves and not just beat ourselves up about resolutions and like, oh, I gained weight. Yeah, it's a fucking pandemic. We've all, everyone's raving it. Okay, all right.

What's gonna? I've done. Someone being bringing an oversized hook and just pull Jackie offstage left. Check me out, Twitch.com, TV, forward slash holdenators ho. Monday, Tuesday, Friday stream. It's always fun.

Fridays with Jackie. It's always a good time. Jack it with the holdies. Check us out. Patreon.com forward slash page seven podcast. Check us out and keep those emails coming. The conspiracies of the blind items. It's so helpful to me and help you bring something to the show so much with those emails. And that is page seven podcast, the number seven, the numeral seven, page seven podcast at gmail.com.

There it is. MJ. I'm MJKLKat on Instagram. All right. Love you guys. And we'll see you next week. Bye, everybody. This show is made possible by listeners like you.

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