Page 7 - Ep. 445: Futuristic Diaper

Episode Date: April 14, 2022

This week we're mournin' and gossin' 'bout the tearful end of Jackie's Twilight Saga, the death of the great Gilbert Gottfried, what to say to an anesthesiologist, The Spirit Halloween Store movie, The Jasper Mall as well as the life support state of Malls in general, the cycle of Bennifer repeating again,  🚨BRITNEY SPEARS UPDATES🚨, Al Pacino's amazing phone case and if he is a TRUE Shrekkie, lastly in a DOUBLE THEORY celeb conspiracy corner; WAS THE SLAP PLANNED!? A surprisingly inventive List, The Blindz and SHOUTZZzZz ARE YOU READY TO GET REAL UP IN HERE? THEN JOIN US FOR APRIL REAAAALZ DAY ON TUESDAY, APRIL 19th @ 5pm PST/8pm EST OVER AT twitch.tv/holdenatorsho Want even more Page 7? Support us on Patreon! Patreon.com/Page7Podcast Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit. Have you been dying to see us live? Then get psyched about the last podcast network, Country Jamboree, at the Rhyman Auditorium in Nashville, Tennessee on June 18th. Jackie, we're not at the Country Bear Jamboree, but I am grinning like a possum, eating a sweet tater. Because we'll have all your favorite LPN family out and performing live, including last podcasts on the left, page seven,

Wizard and the Bruiser, No Dogs in Space, Brider Side, fraudsters, someplace underneath, the story must be told, and more. Tickets available now. Again, that's the Rhyman Auditorium on June 18th in Nashville, Tennessee. The last podcast network, Country Jamboree! Boon-a-be-do-do-bo-do-bo-da-do. Oh, I know what's coming. Another turning point of folks that in the road Time grabs you by the rest directs you where to go It's even moving when Jackie says it

So make the best of this task and don't ask why It's not a question but a lesson learned in time It's something unpredictable But in the end it's right I hope you had the time of your life Edward. We are at an end of twilight celebration. We have finished all of the books over on the Patreon.

Patreon. Patreon.com slash page 7 podcast. It's been almost two years I've been reading Twilight. Did you start it before a pandemic or after pandemic? Oh, it was in the middle of pandemic. So I'm a couple months shy. I started in August. of 2020.

And it really, I think that I could go back and listen to it and I have actual recorded proof of me truly going mad alone while recording. Twilight during the pandemic. And before Twilight,

you were doing Model Land. I did Model Land, yes. And then I also did the Kylie and Kendall Jenner book, which don't even listen to me read it. I don't recommend it. The problem is I record these books blind. I had not ready yet. I did not know how boring it would be.

Model land, it was a hit. All the Twilight books, it's a hit. I'm very scared of my next choice. The answer is, no, I have not chosen yet. I am terrified. It's my life. You don't understand. It takes them so much of my time, so I'm so scared to jump into a new series.

I know it, Jackie, but you're going to have to take the plunge, okay? Because Twilight is whatever, and Twilight is dead to me. Wow. We learned a lot. Too soon, Holden. We learned a lot. She's grieving. Thank you.

I am in the wild. You'll lay down in the forest and tell you die. I just want to be not like the other girls. Good. God. It's turned you. This is the problem. It's turned you into Bella.

The Jackie I knew but pre-Twilight. What are you talking about? She was fierce. She was strong. She didn't need some. I don't like music. Sparkly vampire boy. I don't like snow.

Yeah. And she liked music to Jackie I used to know. Now she doesn't like it. Bella doesn't like music? Doesn't like music? Because it reminds her of Edward. Yeah. When they were on all again. He liked music a lot.

Which, by the way, music's like one of the four things one can enjoy in this world. So cutting yourself off from all of music, I think is very, very truck. Well, yeah, it's roller coasters, music, TV and movies. You don't understand. She's heartbroken. And drugs. Those are the only four things one can enjoy in this world. Don't.

So it's kind of crazy. Don't understand. She was heartbroken. and now that we've read Midnight Sun, we are aware of the fact that Edward thought that he was doing this for his own good. But now what we've really ripped apart in our Twybaby Book Club

is that this ruined multiple generations thinking that real love is just control. And it was two horrible choices. Jacob and Edward were both horrible choices, and it was Smires ruined all of our brains. Yeah, and all these people think that love is supposed to be like painful and awful. Like watch love is blind. And when the people end up with people who they don't really like and it's just awful every day and they're like,

I guess this is, you know, this is how I know I'm in a real relationship. Like it's just miserable all the time. It's very hard work. It feels like constantly hard, awful work. And it's like, no, no, no, no, no. No, a relationship is not supposed to feel that way like immediately and all the time. It's just supposed to feel that way, like, sometimes. Every once in a while, that's part of the work side of it.

But I'm sorry, I don't mean to get into my Twilight conversation. If you miss out, I would love it if you went back. It's all there. And you can listen to me, Descend Into Madness. And we will be watching the first Twilight movie again, because Midnight Sun is just essentially the first book written from Edwards' perspective. So I am watching the first Twilight movie again. Now that I know them, now that I really know.

them. So you can go and watch that over on the Patreon. Beautiful. Can we be released from it now? May we move past it? Yes, you are both released. You're both released. I need to mourn. This is a lot. I don't know how to end things. You guys know I don't even like watching the last episode of something. It's why I'm not even reading the short life of pre-Tanner because like I can't. I can't finish out all of it. I've got a problem. I talked about it in therapy. I still have never seen the last episode of Trailer Park Boys. And don't tell me about all those additional seasons.

I'm somebody where the series dies once, like, the part I like is over. You know? Right. Like, Simpsons seasons one through 10. Don't talk to me about the current Simpsons. I know that there's some fantastic writers on New Simpsons, and New Simpsons might have things that are really good about it. It's just not the Simpsons original thing to me.

and that is many, a lot of things that I tried to avoid closure on by not watching the last episode then came out with reboots and I'm like, this is reopening an unhealed wound for me, you know? Right, yes. Speaking of wounds,

can we just say up top, RIP Gilbert Godfrey? I know, very sad. Yeah, that's breaking today as the time of this recording it happened just a few hours ago. It's crazy too when I see it so early. I saw Jeff Ross post about it

and I immediately, you know, it was like, I immediately went to Twitter and it wasn't all over Twitter yet. And that's the weirdest feeling. You're like, whoa, it just happened. And then it started to, you know, circulate and make the rounds. There's a really funny Hollywood Squares video that circulated between my friends. Definitely check that out. I'm sure if you just look up Gilbert Godfrey, Hollywood Squares,

that is very, very funny. And, yeah, it's a bummer man. all these comedians dropping like fucking flies, bro. You know what I'm saying? It's crazy. I think it means we're getting older, I think, is what it is. Yeah, but they're not dying in their 80s or 90s. They're dying in their 50s.

Yeah, 67 is young. But also, this definitely, I definitely remember celebrities dying when I was a kid and my parents being upset and me being like, wait, somebody died and then being like, oh, it's a celebrity that they like, who cares? Yeah, you don't know who jar of Davis is? Charlie Davis. He played the one-string banjo better.

Man can suck a bulls dick. I was just like, that isn't he a good lord, guys. I mean, why are we using these filthy euphemisms? Talking about how good a guy is in the guitar. And I truly remember being, like, baffled. Like, when somebody who was, like, 55 died or something and my parents were talking about how young they were. And I was, like, a teenager, and I was like,

what are you talking about? 55 is fine. Like I did not get it. And now I'm just disturbed. Like, I don't care if you're fucking 90. It's too young. And 67 is so young. And yeah, Gilbert Godfrey, another one of these comedians, just like Bob Sagitt,

where it's like, I didn't think that this would evoke a really strong emotional reaction in me, but it does. Well, he was one of the greats. And I think that's why. I mean, I think the same with Bob Sagitt. To me, these are people who are true blue comedians. It is so fully in their blood. It is just they are like machines made, Taylor made for, Taylor Swift made for comedy. Yeah.

I think that is part of it. It's like the, if the time, the limited time I spent as a stand-up trying to like really cultivate my respect and love for the craft. It's like Gilbert Godfrey and Bob Sagitt are like just even if you think you like don't understand or. or don't get why this form is so important to people. It's like those two people are people where it's like, okay, watch them at their best and then you'll get it, you know? They were, their whole point in life was to make people smile and laugh and make their lives happier.

I truly believe that. They were the real ones, you know? And you don't, I don't know any of their thoughts about politics or heard anything, you know, necessarily that they've problematic shit about them. I mean, these are just guys that love to make jokes and make people laugh. And I think that's right. He got in trouble for like too soon jokes. Well, yeah, but that's, that makes him even more of a fucking true blue comic.

Yeah, that's pretty classic, right? Yeah, yeah. I mean, well, of course, there's the 9-11, I think he did, the aristocrats roast moment that he's known for. I mean, he was super known for digging holes for himself and then finding ways out of them. I mean, that's one of the things I love in comedy, you know what I mean? And then there's just some people I was in a doctor's office this morning except to get an ablation. And I kept going, Ablazion. It sounds way too close to abortion.

Applation. And the nurse thought that it was funny. The surgeon did not think that it was funny. And I just, I was like, but isn't that a funny way to say it? He's like, yes. And I was like, it made me think of Gilbert Godfrey. And then I found out that Gilbert Godfrey passed. I was like, oh my God.

I felt like he was a part of me for a second. It was like just a little bit of the Affleck duck. Just get that into your veins. That too, yeah. Oh, man, so funny with the Affleck Duck thing. You know, yeah, it's a bummer. I just stop taking these comics. Take, I don't know, sports people.

No. No, everyone lives forever. Yeah. I'm like telling God who to take, all right, and who to keep. If you're going to have surgery, though, talk about making who to make your jokes to. Here's the thing you need to know about anesthesiologist. Hit me up. Tell me. I don't know about it. Is that, that's who I go after. That's where I get my yucks.

You will get a delightful call from an anesthesiologist like the day before your surgery. Okay. And they will be like, hello, I'm the anesthesiologist. And they'll tell you, you know, when to stop eating and drinking or whatever. No. And then they'll be like, is there anything that you want to tell me about any, like, substances you use? and then you will just have a great time. And you'll be like, okay. All right, hold on your butts. Because I've got a laundry list on fold.

And I just saw a tweet that was like, you can lie to your husband, you can lie to your wife, you can lie to your best friend, you can lie to your PCP, but never lie to your anesthesiologist. And so you just have to tell them. And so it is just a delight.

And they look at me, like all doctors, look at me like I'm a fucking crazy person. I'm like, I made as well. I'm so scared you're going to give me something because like, oh, I don't smoke weed every day. When I do smoke weed every day. The anesthesiologist needs to know the extent to which you smoke weed every day. A lot of it.

Tell them. And they'll be like, oh, okay. And then they'll try to sound totally non-judgmental in their response. And they'll ask like some neutral sounding follow-up questions. And you're going to have fun. It is a very fun conversation. I'd be like you wouldn't like me. If I did it.

No threats. I'll keep my threats to a minimum. But I do want to say someone, one comedian that we do still have going for us is Christopher Lloyd, who's going to be in this new Spirit Halloween movie. Now, I love Spirit Halloween. I think that most people do. And if you hate it, I don't know what to tell you.

I do, I mean, they are a bit of a parasite that kind of comes. in and uses whatever they can, the store, I mean, because you know Spirit Halloween's, they pop up. They pop up for Halloween. They use unused retail space. They're like a zombie. Yeah, I love it. Retail store because you're always just, they appear and then you're like, what was there before?

I don't know. It's gone from my memory. That's kind of the premise of this movie. Yeah, but I'm upset because I immediately got so excited. It was like, Chris of R. Lloyd, Spirit Halloween. Yes, please. And it's going to be a kids movie. I want it to be really upsetting.

Why would it be? It's Spirit Halloween. It's mostly geared towards kids' Halloween shopping. So why, you know, if it's sanctioned by them, why would, I'm looking at a picture of a store right now. It's got little kids wearing costumes and the pictures in the storefront. Yeah, sure. Listen, it should be like the classic, the best Halloween movies are movies that were kind of for kids. Well, that's not true.

good Halloween movies are movies that were kind of for kids and then also for adults. I feel like hocus pocus goes into this category, right? So I feel like this movie, Spirit Halloween has to walk the line of being like, we know that Spirit Halloween has a cult following amongst adults who love Halloween, but also that for like kids 14 and younger, it's very exciting to go to Spirit Halloween to pick out your costume. So I think that they can walk the line. They better.

And I just, I can't wait to see Christopher Lloyd in it because I just, I keep the kids. about the Christopher Lloyd interview when people like, well, so why don't you do more things? And he's like, nobody asks me. I'm at home. Please ask me to do something. I'm old.

Come on. He doesn't get offers all the time. That's what he says. Get out of here. The horse's mouth himself. But that's the best life. That's the type of old person I want to be to just be like, I made a ton of money

when I was young. I don't need to work. I looked old when I was young too. Yeah. I looked old forever. Yeah, I've just been old for all my life. I've been old for about 45 years. And now I have money in a way that I didn't when I was young,

so I can just enjoy it. If somebody comes to me with a project like Spirit Halloween, which I agree with the article that it does seem to be inspired by the comedian Nick Let's Go song about Spirit Halloween. So you were familiar with this. I didn't know that there was a Spirit Halloween song. Where have I been? My brother introduced me to the, his song, I Want to Be at the R&C, which is like a real deep cut, you know, for the political junkies out there who watch the R&C like me and my brother do.

The RNC 2020, I don't know if anybody remember summer 2020. It was a rough time. And then the R&C happened. And it was absolutely fucking insane. People, these rich people in St. Louis, like, drew hands. handguns on protesters. Oh my God, I remember this. Oh, yeah, those guys, their lives got ruined, so that's, it's fine.

Yeah, I mean, I think because they drew guns on people. But he, the, the song is called, I want to be at the RNC, and it is so fucking funny. And then John sent me the Spirit Halloween. I Want to Be at the R&C came on August 2020 and then the Spirit Halloween song came out a few months later and I was like, I'm sorry, I don't have room in my brain for the Spirit Halloween song because I'm still listening to I Want to Be at the R&C.

It's like one of those like good viral video comedy video songs that's that good. But the Spirit Halloween song is so good. And then there's like a trilogy. He made two more parts. It was so good. And if you're listening and you're like comedy songs, of course comedy songs are generally terrible.

but sometimes they're good. And when they're good, they're so good. Yeah, for sure. He does a great job. He does a good job with like Mr. X. Really reminds me of what's his fucking face. Inside. Mr. Stay Home.

Mr. Stay Home guy, the guy who made the Netflix special about stay at home. Oh, Bo Burnham. You can't be upset. It's Mr. Stay Home, God. You can't. No. I refuse. I'm putting up a boundary between you and MJ

and I both. We're behind the boundary. How we're going to get through. All this screaming, Mr. Stay at home! He stays at home. He made the Netflix bet, whatever, dude. He made that special.

There's not that many musical comedians to draw from, so the list is small. Yes. But I wouldn't call Pope Burnham Mr. Stay Home. That's like not the first. Rami Award winning Bo Burnham. Oh, my God. Yes. Of course you won a Grammy.

But so, There's a very funny song about Spirit Halloween, and now there's a movie about Spirit Halloween. And if I was this comedian, I would feel both vindicated and, like, I would want some of that sweet-speed money. And they're weirdly both. He goes into a whole Bezos killed the mall bit

in the bridge of his song. And the movie is also based on dying malls. And if I told Jackie, during our talk and TV, patron.com, forth slash page seven podcasts, we do talking TV every week, $5 a month. I talked about a movie that made me want to blow my brains out. It was called the Jasper Mall.

And it was a documentary about a dying mall in Jasper, Arkansas. And it was sad at best. But this is the thing. It was sad in its happiest moment. Really? Because I think I want to watch it. I love sad things. And this movie is like an abandoned store, and like this Spirit Halloween mysteriously popped up,

and these kids want to go stay there for the night. I think it would be great to have a doctor. documentary about Spirit Halloween. And were they the ones that started the idea of not all the time stores? I don't know if that is true. But I love it because like you see Christmas. Yeah, not all the time. No, not all the time.

They're not all the time stores. Not all the time stores. Sometimes there's stores and sometimes they're not stores. We all understood what she meant. Thank you, MJ. And behind our boundaries. Behind our boundary, thank you very much. The not all the time stores, I think, are such a great idea because then you see the lonely

as Christmas tree shops around here. Yes. And I definitely worked at a Christmas tree shop for one summer and it was summer. And it was a Christmas tree shop. No wonder they hired 14 year old me because I was like, well, I'm supposed to do. Yeah, I don't understand the version of me that Henry does all the time. I don't understand the year-round Christmas store. It's so true.

It's in every small town. There was one in New Orleans, too, though, I remember. And it makes me depressed. But it's something about it makes me sad if it's the middle of the summer and I'm walking past. I just go, ugh. Like, it just hits me weird. What about Christmas in July? Yeah, Christmas shouldn't exist outside of that one month.

So why would you be like, I have a really good idea. Christmas. Everybody loves it all that. the time. Let me open a shop that's always open all year round just for Christmas. No, no, no, no, no. Okay, so I'm looking it up and apparently it must have been a Dubuque family-owned store, but every town had the store.

For us, it was called Hanukers. I'm looking it up, apparently not a chain, but what you need is Hanukers, which is a store that goes, turns into a Christmas store at Christmas, turns into a Halloween store at Halloween. It's like your, it's like, seasonal store. It is, it is, it is, it is, it is, It is the seasonal closet of your dreams.

And then in the offseason, what does it have? It has like random velvet ribbons that you need, you know. And for crafts. Exactly. It's just your craft haven that goes, that suddenly is swept up with the spirit of whatever. If it's fucking St. Patrick's Day, it doesn't matter how small or large the holiday is. And it's always in flux with, and you will get the seasonal. warmth of it whenever you pass by it in the mall.

It has to be in the mall. It can be in a strip mall. We had one in a mall and one in a strip mall. They were both honnickers. But it just is, it is the reflection. It is the porch goose of stores. Whoa. Wow.

You dropping a Gloria right now? Yeah, that is some big words right here. I'm saying, who else changes an outfit every month? You know, it's a porch goose. I can't wait to buy a little dresser for Gloria, by the way. That's what happens when you don't have children or any pets. Gloria, you are a pet. Yes, they love you.

She listens. And I don't want her to be upset. I want a movie about how, like, what about all the weird shit they find in these abandoned malls? What about all of, like, how difficult it must be to have to, like, create, like, look at the space and be like, okay, we're going to put this shit. shit here or maybe am I the only one to think that that would be interesting? I'm obsessed with, I've always, I always felt like a bad leftist because I've always loved

malls. I love them before. I love them now. I'm a tribal capitalist, unfortunate. I love them. And I love the idea of a communal space. Ideally, it wouldn't be a place where you have to give money to be. And that's why malls are great for teenagers, right? Because there's not that many places teenagers can go to just exist. Right. And malls is one of them. And so I fucking, love the space of malls. I was in one recently and I was like, these are great, but they are very sad now. And so we just need to figure out how do we use these communal spaces with little pods that people can have their fucking interests, you know, in each pot? I don't know. This makes so much fucking sense. I had no idea because Spirit Halloween has transitioned

through the years. And that is because there's more like costumes from the pop culture zeitgeist now. it's because Spencer's bought Spirit Halloween and that makes so much sense but where are the edible underwear I want spooky edible underwear that makes your pussy lips it's not good for you

don't get don't let it sit on there too long because it gets all wet and it's going to get all sweaty and it's not good for your pussy health there's always a horny corner to every one of these stores right I mean, you just put it there. In Spencer, Spencers was the horny corner of the mall.

And then within Spencer's, there was the horny corny of, horny corny. Hormy corny, horny corny of my. That sounds like, oh my God, I've never heard a sex song specifically for me before, but thank you, MJ. Spencer's was the horny corner of the mall. Yes. And within Spencer's, there was the particularly horny corner of Spencer's where the edible underwear was and where the like shirts. They weren't the same shirts that you saw on like Duval Street in Key West and stuff that say like

my space to my face, but it's like those type of shirts. Right. Like and the, but then there, it was like a great, you know, there was the area that had the fart spray. Yeah, fuck me in the ass. I'm Irish or whatever. There was like the poop joke aisle and then there was like the sex joke aisle. Yes.

Oh yeah. Yeah. I'm a big dump chump and all those shirts of that nature. Oops, just farted on a doctor or whatever it was. And then there was just the shelf with like the, you know, the beads that swung back and forth. Oh my God. Did you have any of those beads?

I never got any of those beads. Or the little pins that you put the should be your hand. Yeah, I definitely had one of those. You got to do the middle finger. I believe my brother's friend put his genitals into it. and I wasn't informed of this, and then I picked it up while they were all hanging out, and I immediately put it out my face,

and then they all, oh, God. Some of them laughed, and some of them were upset. I hope that people who write shows like stranger things and stuff that are like set in the late 80s, early 90s, they need to hear anecdotes like this because that's the most millennial child experience. You got to watch this Jasper Ball movie, MJ. It'll make you want to lay in the forest until you die,

but it is, I think, a great watch if you have big nostalgia for like 80s, 90s mall culture. It totally, and lament the death of those spaces. Because I agree, it's about a communal space. And yeah, it's crazy how little options you had. It was go bowling, go to the mall, roller skating, not really, go to the movies. That was it.

That was it. Yeah. I mean, why do you think I still go to the movies all the time? And if we're going to go ahead and pretend that it's the year 2000, in the year 2000, can we give a finally and congratulations to Benefer? Come back around. Wow. The cycle may the circle be unbroken.

They are in love and they're getting married. I love this headline because it's just, man, did they have to beat us in the fucking head with it? They're so mean. Twice actually. Jennifer Lopez in behalf, who dated 20 years ago, are now engaged again. For the second time. Yeah, we get it.

It happened twice. How many times you have to say it happened twice? The same thing. I'm sorry to get this angry, but you know what? Economic Times? What even fucking website is this? You know, I try to look at different things.

Hey, did you know it happened twice? Actually, 20 years? Yeah, we fought. We owed it. Was it not the biggest celebrity news story? Anyways, I'm on fire today. Sorry about that. Sorry about my aggression. I'm sorry, but I still cannot read about Benefort without needing five minutes to stop and think about the fact that they've met and fell in love on Gile. It's just a stunning.

Yeah, it's rough. We should not ever mention them without bringing up the fact that it's all thanks to Gile, which we watched very early in the pandemic. Probably week two or three. And I'll never forget. I couldn't tell you what it's about. but I will never forget how bad it is. And it psychically like bruised us just as badly, I would even argue, as pandemic as a whole.

It is, it was, it was good to, like, layer it with a trauma that was already happening. Right, might as well give me, you know, waterboard me while I'm dealing with this other, you know what I mean? Like, while I'm being, you know, electrically tortured, right? It's like, do it all at once, pack it all in. That was, like, G, G, during pandemic. Like, imagine doing the worst movie ever. made and then getting engaged and then having it fall apart because Ben couldn't handle the

pressure. And then 20 years later, you're like, you know what? It turns out you were the love of my life. We met on Gile. Like, what regret? So much regret in every direction. But they're not regretful because then they were both able to have, they went and they had their children. And it was like, there is no regret. They still had families. Now that they get to enjoy each other. And I saw that Ben Affleck did meet up with Jennifer Garner, his ex, and their kids, and told them all first before he proposed, which I think is a very nice move. And also when you read about the actual proposal, very different from the first time, it was Saturday night and she was in the bath and he came into her when you, like he came,

he came into her. Ah, I believe it. Just a little load in there. What are he, Spencer's? No, he came to her as she was in the bath. And while she was just in the bath on a regular Saturday night, he just got down on one knee and proposed, which I was reading through it. And I was fully dressed as Batman, though.

He was fully dressed as Batman. That's the Batman for me, baby. And don't get me wrong, I do love a story of, like, you know, it wasn't right at the time before, but we always still loved each other. Right, right. Now we're ready. Now we're ready to go on this journey together. And I bet he fucking did put a crazy load in her that night as well.

Yes. I mean, that's a thing. It's beautiful. We always, we all want the Lizzie McGuire. I'm blanking on her name right now. The Lizzie McGuire. Hillary's out of, Hillary Duff. This day up miss open all the time.

I always think about her proposal when she immediately got down and started sucking him off. I was like, man, that's a couple that is in love. What was that from? What's that from? It's real. It's not Elizabeth McGuire, it's Hillary Duff. I'd feel a little uncomfortable about that, I think. No, it was horrible that there were paparazzi there that took pictures.

No, it wasn't like a public proposal like in a baseball field. It was like a private proposal and then she started sucking him off. Yes. Which is great. I didn't forget about that, Jackie. Thank you for reminding me. I think about it too often. It is weird how actually genuinely excited I was when I saw that they were.

when I saw that they were engaged again again for the second time. Yeah, I just, the headline. I'm like so much more keyed into like the headline or like filler paragraphs or whatever than the actual story itself. I just start and like I just start thinking about the person who wrote it and like, I think you need to add another little nod towards the fact that this is happening for a second time. Because you've only given four nods in the one headline that it's happening. twice. It's because we have like, you know, this stupid, our stupid way that we talk about,

like, romance and love is that the idea that like, if an engagement doesn't, you know, end in a wedding, then it's like the worst possible thing that could ever happen. Where as opposed to like, right, right, any relationship that doesn't end at a wedding is a failure. And so it's like, engage twice. And it's like, okay, well, maybe it wasn't right the first time. and now it is right, and that's actually totally fun. And how is that a failure? How is listening to yourself and thinking, like, this isn't what I need right now?

Isn't that technically, like, shouldn't we say congratulations on listening to yourself? For having the maturity and ability to pull back when there's so much pressure to follow through by that point? Yeah. Right. Especially, I mean, we'll never be able to understand what they were going through in the beginning times of relationships really being ripped apart. social media in ways that had never been really able to have happened in the past if you listen to our 2000 pies are you fucking having a fucking malfunctioning what was that sometimes

i'm talking about jackies getting a little bit of word salad right now sometimes my brain is going faster than my mouth slowing down like a fucking robot whose battery was You meant rewind? I was like some uncanny valley shit. I'm literally gonna have to check and make sure Jackie's not made out of like metal. What if I was made of metal?

Yeah. I haven't seen Jackie in person in about two and a half, three years. So she might become a cyborg. What in the world, Jackie? I watch Titan. I watch Titan and now I am pot machine. Don't you know?

If you fuck enough cars, you get to be a car. That's what I always say. All right, please. People don't even know. It's a horror movie. It's a body horror movie called Taitain. That she's referencing tons of people haven't seen it heard of it. Everybody knows Taitain.

Everybody knows about Taitain. But also everybody knows how happy I am also because of Britney Spears's pregnancy. Wow. Dude, I'm so happy for her. Slash, can you imagine holding fucking. fucking having another baby 15 years from now no thanks

but I am happy for it. It's now happened where I'm in the phase of like I'm all gooo gaga now and like all those horrible Yes first of all you are the baby And I made a mess

And I need one of you to come up. Well that's what happens Lexi's out of town No no no I'm just I'm all I've got baby fever now It finally has to overcome me Yeah So now I could have kind of see it, although, yeah, again, I would describe this first three months as

traumatic. I think it's really nice because she wasn't able to, she, I guess they, I don't know how you forced someone to do this, but she was forced to be on birth control during her conservatorship, so this is yet another, wow. They had control over all of the doctors that she saw. They had control over what she took. She was explicitly, according to the conservatorship, not allowed to have another child. So this is a celebration child. Yeah, yeah. That's so great. I think that's so important. It's another sign of like she really is getting to do what she wants with her life for the first time and a really long time. And this guy seems like really, you know, he literally said, I do not take this lightly.

This is incredible, you know, this is like so important apparently to him to be a father. And, you know, and I know also, I can't believe she's, I'm essentially her age. I'm turning 40 this year. She's 40. I always forget that. She always seemed like she was, even though she's like an adult baby, she has always still seem like it's weird to think that we're the same age. Kind of makes me want to throw up.

But that said, I think also having a baby now later in life has really been solid in terms of having like the emotional maturity and years of wisdom that I think made for a better experience. I forgot about the whole, the way that she was literally was not allowed to have what. I just mean that like, having gone through the intensity, her babies are only, her babies are only a year apart too, like mine. And having gone through the intensity of that and then being in the like, they're 15 and 16 now to be like, okay, you know, I did it. They're like, and then to be like, back again, I'm going back into it.

You're discrediting. You're completely forgetting the difference between having a baby as a normal person. As a multi-year. As opposed to having a baby as a fucking, yeah. crazy ass millions of dollars air. That is very different. So, you know, even for me, Lexi's sister just came into town

and she immediately swooped in and she's like, the baby whisper and just came in and was like, I'll just take care of her, like all day for you guys. You do your thing. Sleep in. I was like, oh, this is how the other half lives. They get, you just get to every downing and go,

oh, sweet baby! And you just get to enjoy the baby. Oh, just kind of like everybody who comes to viv. visit, you get that treatment as a rich person. You just come in, oh, it's so sweet. Oh, is she upset at all? Is she having a problem at all?

Bye. Have a good one with that. I'm going to go on the other room and not deal with that. I was the opposite end of that. So I was the person that came in to deal with it. And I was like, oh, so you get all the fun and I get all of the bad. So, like, of course they scream when they say me. I am the one that, like, and yet they also were connected to me in ways that they

were never connected. to their parents. Right. So I was a nanny for years. And it was just like, this is crazy to me. Then why did you have children? You're the same person. If you don't want to connect with them.

Right. Yeah. Yeah. But. Yeah. Because they're like assets. It's different for, you know what I mean? It's, they're, they're, yeah, they're assets.

They're not like kids for a lot of those people. No. You know what I mean? Yeah. And I also want to say a shout out to Britney Spears for in her Instagram posts. She talks about how she had perinatal depression for her first two pregnancies. And I am a person in my mid-30s who had two back-to-back pregnancies and never once had a mental health professional or a therapist or anybody.

Not even a fellow mom ever. I have never heard perinatal depression before. I've only heard postpartum depression. I'm sorry real quick. I know this isn't that kind of show. What is the difference? So postpartum depression is the one that most people know, which is depression that takes place after the baby is born.

Yes. And what Britney Spears describes in her Instagram post, and literally I cannot emphasize enough that I have never heard this until today when I was catching up, you know, on this post that she had a couple of days ago. Parynatal is like meaning well the baby's in there. And so perinatal depression is depression while you are pregnant. You know, depression that comes while you are pregnant. And I have never heard anyone else say this before.

And I was depressed as shit when I was pregnant. And I thought 100% that something was wrong with me. And people think something's wrong with them when they're postpartum depressed too because you're like, I should be happy. I have sweet baby. I love baby. Why am I depressed? And it's not like postpartum depression isn't hard enough. but I had never heard perinatal depression before

that like it is a thing to be depressed while you're pregnant. And thank you, Brittany Spears for fucking saying that. And, you know, I just cannot emphasize enough how I did not actually know that was a thing. I did not know that anyone else felt that. I did not know it was something. It's horrible. It's horrible.

It's so full of these expectations of what you're supposed to feel. Yes. And what you're supposed to go through it. I feel like most people don't and feel the opposite. of those things. And then the shame comes in. And the, you know, endless like, yeah, like just feelings of, you know, not being adequate or being something's, you know, broken in you. Yeah.

And it's so confusing because it's like you're not, of course you're, you still like love your baby when you're pregnant. I mean, I worked so fucking hard to get pregnant. I was like, why am I depressed? Because it's chemicals. Yeah. Right. That's what it is. You got something drained?

You got something draining you. Yeah. Right. You got something sucking your life for so your hair fucking falls out and shit. Right. Is it sucking the life out of you? Of course you're going to get depressed. Yeah.

But I did not know that that was, I like literally didn't know that was a thing until today. Like I knew it was a thing because it happened to me. But I didn't, I had never heard anyone else say like, oh, you can get depressed well you're pregnant. I'd only heard people be like postpartum depression, postpartum depression, postpartum depression. And also people, you know, people only talk about postpartum depression. don't talk about postpartum anxiety and postpartum. Which is still fairly new to even be discussed. Yes, even that. Publicly as well. For sure. Right. Right. And, and, uh, right. And there's last talk about all the other postpartum, like mood disorders and stuff. But yeah, I just didn't

know that that is something else people experienced to feel it like while you're pregnant. And so Britney Spears has done many things for mental health, like normalization and awareness. And like, I mean, normalization, you know, she's Britney Spears. But just to talk about it. And I was so surprised to be like, I can't believe I'm learning this phrase, literally learning this phrase from Britney Spears today. Dude, hell yeah. Yeah.

And she's like an adult child. I mean, she did it again. Because of her trauma. And also, by the way, even just more upsetting, as I was reading through this, as you were just talking, MJ, it wasn't even if they forced her to take birth. control pills. They forced her to have an IUD. That was what I thought it was that she had an IUD, so she didn't even, it wasn't even like you could flush the pills on the toilet or something. Or yeah, it was just, ugh, fuck you, conservatorship. So scary. Yeah, well, Al Pacino's also a big fan

of Shrek. So, look at that. Yeah, he has a Shrek case on his phone. Leave it there. He's got a Shrek case on his phone. Everett, the sleuthing. He's a shaky donkey. I feel like he doesn't. even have, part of me is like, I bet he doesn't even know what Shrek is. He just thought that was like a fun case for his phone and got it. So he has, people were trying to figure out what was, oh, look at these little green guys. Yeah, look at this. I'm kind of a green guy. I got to take this vibe. You hear what I'm laying down for it. You know, he talks like a, a jazz guy from the 1950s. Yeah, I bet. Oh man, you watch how's a Gucci and then, no, he, I talk the

Like this. He la Venante. Antigua. Chittalini. I would love to watch Al Pacino's. I would love for someone to ask him, like, so do you love Shrek just to see what his response is if he actually knows if he's aware of what Shrek is or if it was just, or was it just an assistant put a phone cover on the phone so that the phone wouldn't break, which is

also possible. It's great because either answer is great. Like if you ask Al Pacino about Shrek and he just like starts quoting it, that would be the best. But also it would somehow still be the best if he was like, what movie? And it was just a pure coincidence. And he just liked the way it looked. And we guaranteed it.

Also, Megan DeSally is not wearing makeup for a while. And she's beautiful. She looks great. Why is she doing that though? She didn't say why. No, I think that she's just doing it just to like be the real her. She said she's not wearing makeup until Coachella. There you go.

But then she's taking all these selfies and she just looks hot. It looks so hot and just like, I love it though. I really do love like what kind of power it must be. Like I'm choosing not to wear makeup because I'm going to feel good about myself. And then you look in the mirror and just like, because I am a goddess. Yeah. I'm so bold. and brave. I won't wear makeup. I'm perfect. But nobody feels perfect. Yeah, the only makeup

she's doing it's like to give her like the cat eyes or like to do cool expressive things. And I'm sure she doesn't feel this way. I think that a lot of people that are that hot, I would assume, you know, we all have issues when we look at our bodies and we all have issues that we don't discuss and the lots of issues that we don't ever put into words. So I, you know what, Megan and Salon, good Lord, I could just look at pictures of her all day. I don't know what you guys talking about every time I see myself naked in the mirror, my only problem is I end up wasting the next half an hour or more trying to suck my own dick.

See, that's kind of nice, though. You know, it's difficult. That's why I know that it's been, that's what you've been doing the entire time since Lex and the baby have been out of town. Just sucking your own dick. Just trying to break the bones in my very back to make it happen.

Should we do a celebrity conspiracy? Yes. All right, hit me with the share. Do you believe? The Slap. That's right. Ten years. Of course we had to get to this point.

I even said, oh, during our whole episode about the slap. Of course, I'm referring to the slap from the Oscars, Will Smith, Chris Rock, G.I.J. and 2, the whole situation over there. People immediately were like, it's staged. Look at this, obviously. Doctored photo. See how their positioning is. Also, it's just so funny.

reminds me of the dingo ate your baby thing. A dingo ate more baby. Everybody, like, decides how someone would definitely react in a situation they've never been in. Totally. You know what I mean? It's so crazy to me. It's like you've never been in this situation. How would you know?

How would you react? Like, you would be in shock. You would have, you don't know how you would be. And so how are you going to sit there and be like, the way she's acting, that ain't somebody whose baby was eaten by a dingo? The fuck are you talking? How many people do you know who's fucking baby got eaten by a dingo? Dingo ate her baby.

All right, please. But anyways, in true internet fashion, of course, folks out there screaming that the infamous slap was staged. But my question was always, why would any of the parties involved wish this a ponds to themselves? Well, we have two theories from listeners who wrote in as to why this might be, okay? So I'm going to give you theory one. I'm going to give you theory two. You can tell me if you believe you don't and who you believe and I don't give a fuck what you want to do. All right.

Okay. Okay. You can even just tell me to go fuck myself at the end of all this. I'll do that no matter what. Yeah, no, that's for sure. You know what?

Go fuck yourself. Yeah, go fuck yourself all the old day. All right, please. All right, gladly. Yep, there we go. Well, he's got to love your own dick. All right, this one's in from Kathleen. Hi there.

God bless the page seven crew for filling my heart with glee every week. You truly make gloomy days feel brighter and good days feel like sunshine. Aw, thank you. I feel crazy because I just reached out a couple of weeks ago to Jackie for shoutouts, but I needed to write in about my opinion regarding the slap. I do not believe for a second that the slap was unplanned.

I know Will Smith was super awkward during his speech, so it definitely felt like he was embarrassed, but I'm not buying it. JPS has gotten so much love for Red Table Talk, especially with regards to celebrity mishaps. Her struggles with hair loss, and the complicated relationship she has with Will. This event did so much for the upcoming Red Table Talk that is bound to premiere in the next few months.

One, Will Smith, moving from a semi-cuck status, which unfortunately society has stamped him with, to now a cough-toxic, cough-masculine defender of his wife. Two, JPS, J.D. Pagan-Smith, can talk about her experience again and address the complicated pressure that society places on black hair. Three, Chris Rock can defend, quote-unquote, defend himself,

by bringing his documentary good hair into the conversation and still, quote, grow from the red table conversation. Four, a conversation might blossom around Will Smith's, quote, growth after now understanding how privileged he is as a rich celebrity to win an Oscar after his outburst. I hope you don't take the millions of sarcastic quotes as me believing these conversations aren't important, but I just believe this whole thing was a manufactured event for a secretly planned talk coming up. Thank you, Holden, MJ, and Jaggin, for your wisdom.

support warmly Kathleen. So that's the first one. It was all four. I mean, it is going to be a barn, you know, A, Oscars did quite well in the ratings because of this whole thing. And now, yeah, I didn't think about that. Red Table Talk. All eyes are going to be pointed directly at the next edition of those.

I definitely understand the conspiratorial urge to be like, how did this happen with a family where there's already a show that is meant to take on this type of thing, right? Yes. And they're Scientologists, so like, of course it lends itself to conspiracy theory. Totally. Well, here's the other one from Gin. Hello, page seven overlords. Today I have for you a conspiracy regarding the slap to you.

Ever since it happened, I was convinced it was fake. Something about the way Chris Rock was smiling as Will Smith approached him, coupled with the fact that it looks like Will barely connected with Chris's face. And their reactions afterwards made me think we were watching some real housewives-type manufacture drama. But why? To what end? That was the one question I couldn't answer until today

when it was announced Will Smith is banned from the Oscars and all other Academy-related events for 10 years. I assert that Will Smith and Chris Rock cooked up this stunt

so Will Smith could make absolutely dog shit movies for a decade. Hear me out. Will Smith has been in a lot of great stuff but also some stinkers here

and there. I believe making shitty movies is more fun. Please. I feel that making shitty movies is more fun than making series serious, good movies, and Will Smith wants to have fun.

He figured out a way to get banned from the Oscars so when his upcoming terrible movies don't get nominated, it won't matter because he wasn't going to show up anyway. Foolproof, genius even. Chris Rock was happy to go along with it because of the publicity and the fact that he isn't the one who would come out looking bad. In fact, he would be the sympathetic one. It would give him enough material for an entire hour on Netflix. I know this one is a little spicy, but I fully believe it, and you should too.

It's okay if you don't just know that you're wrong. Whoa. Love Jenna. Wow. Yeah, so what do you think? Kathleen, it was off for the Red Table Talk. You got Jenna with, it was also Will Smith could make shitty movies and Chris Rock could get a Netflix special out of it.

I don't know. Wow. I like this format of having to vote. It's not do you believe. It's like you have to pick one. Yeah. What do you think? I think the latter.

I think that makes a lot of sense. Will Smith making bad movies on purpose. Yeah, I totally get that. Because isn't that so, wouldn't that be so much fun to be like you can do whatever, you know, in the same way where it's like you think about like Al Pacino when Al Pacino did Jack and Jill because why the fuck not? He's Al fucking Pacino. He could do whatever the fuck he wants.

But if he's like, because Will Smith has done enough good movies to know that people are aware of the fact that he is a talented person. Yeah, now he got his Oscar. Yeah. And then everybody goes, he's got his Oscar. Everybody, when, you know, they do go to go see the Gemini man's, even though he's playing two different people at once, which is actually genuinely pretty great.

But I don't think that, I don't want to use the word stupid, but I don't think that Jada Pinkett Smith is stupid. And I think that it would, like I feel like that would, there's too much, like if we have to choose one of them, that there's, I mean, because I definitely don't think that it was staged. but if I had to choose one, I don't think that Jada Pinkett Smith would,

like I feel like that is like, like imagining the two of them over like a drink. She's being like, yeah, okay. And then I, you know that sometimes like you, like you with your bud can just like, like, lather yourself up into thinking that an idea is great. And I would way more put that brain on Will Smith

and Chris Rock than Jada Pinkett Smith. I'm going to vote for the first. one only because I like... Interesting commentary, though. Yeah. I just think I agree that Jada Pinkett Smith is not stupid. Instead, I like to imagine, as we dabble here on page seven sometimes, that the Smiths are all-powerful, you know, insubanati shit, like Scientologists who, like, I like...

Oh, I'm scared of them. I'm scared of their power. And so I actually think that the Pinkett Smith family, you know, and the Red Table Talks especially are like an incredible, genuine, like, stunningly open family that, yeah, they're amazing. But it's also kind of fun to be like, they're brilliant, conspiratorial evil geniuses who control Hollywood. And so in that case, it would be like, okay, let's just do. And so that's why I have to go with the first. Well, I will say MJ is correct.

Jackie, you are the weakest link. Good boy. It is the past, isn't it? We're talking about malls. It's talking about Spirit Halloween. Talking about Benefer. You have a weakest link reference. Good boy.

I still say it. Jackie is the one who brings the weakest link references. I say it about six or seven times a week. Like, it is a bright spot of my vernacular. Like, weak as stinks. You're a stinks. All right, Jackie. What do you got for the list?

I'm a sphinx. You sing me the song. Oh. Who's on the list? Jackie, got to have that list. Surprising inventions of unlikely celebrities. Yeah, whatever. Well, I think that you guys should really take heed to what Jamie Lee Curtis tried to create in 1928.

What a futuristic diaper. Futuristic diaper. She patented a disposable diaper with a waterproof pocket to stuff with wipes so you don't have to carry them around separately. That's great. Will you buy it? Will you purchase it? I would. I don't.

Sure. It seems wholly unnecessary. Whoa. You mean as unnecessary as Charlie Sheen's capless chapstick? Say that's 20 times fast. In 2012, Charlie Sheen proudly unveiled his patent for. a lip balm tube that twists up after spending one too many fractions of a second removing unnecessary caps. It's great because he's just like, I'm so fucking hungover and on cocaine all the time that my

lips are so bright. I can't keep track of the lids to my chapstick. Make it easier. No, all the time. No, both of you. Um, he pitched a chapstick and they explain that their design is actually a carefully thought out strategy that weighs economic and consistent. factors he couldn't begin to comprehend. So now he just brings it out at parties. So he made a capless chapstick. Chapstick, the brand, would not buy it. So he just had the maid and brings it with him

when he ever he goes out. So I just imagine him skied up and just like, just like maniacally putting chapstick on. Yeah, you know, sometimes, you know how when you have a cold and you want to put chapstick right on your nose. It must also be true for excessive nose drug use. I did that with Vix Vaporub for a long time. The first drug of a lot of people.

Oh, yeah, big time. Benaka for this guy. Oh, but Naca. Oh, my God, I never thought of all these gateway drugs. Remember when you're just trying to be like, if you have enough binocca? Oh, dude, didn't you guys, maybe it was more of a boy thing.

You always had to go to the store and get that Benaka spray before the upcoming dance. I always had Benaka. And you would just be spraying all night, like a psychopath, like, who does that? Why would you do that? No one needs to do that. Like, you never did that after middle and high school. Although, I think it was middle school or high school when Listerine strips came out.

So for me, I loved the burn of Listerine strips. And Altoids were like cell warheads, too. Just take all the feeling off of your tongue. Yes. So strong. Make it hurt. So fresh. Unlike what happens when you use Bill Nye's ballet.

shoes. You wouldn't think of Bill Nye as someone overly invested in the art of dance, but in 2002, he invented a ballet shoe that features a more structured toe box to provide support from the inside out for dances on point. He also participated in the masked dancer, and that's more interest than we've ever shown in flailing our meat sacks to the be. Okay, cracked. This is like saying in the way that Holden gets upset with the fluff, sometimes I get upset with the fluff on the list. When as I'm reading it aloud, I'm like, oh, why am I saying this right now? I didn't want to read that last line. I just wanted to say that he participated in the masked dancer.

I should have just ended there. It sounds like Bill and I tried to invent point shoes, which already exists. Yeah, but I'm not a ballet person. I guess it was more, like, in the way that it supports. I've watched Natalie get, like, she's shown me how she does, like, getting on point before. And so it must just protect the toes because, like, you have to think. The toes are just vertical holding up all of your body weight, so it must have more of a structure on it that just makes it more sound and easy for them to get up. But obviously, I'll do whatever Bill 9 tells me to do.

That guy, he's always been right. He's a science guy. Yeah, he's a science guy. He is a science guy. You know who else is a science guy? Pendelet! Pendelet in 1998, he patented a hot tub with a discharge nozzle, located within the tub and connected to the outlet,

mounted to the seat so that the discharged water from the circulation pump automatically aligns with and is directed to stimulation points, like the clitoris of the female user. It's a masturbation tub. And I think that the phrase discharge nozzle certainly gives that away. I don't like the phrase discharge nozzle.

rough name for it, but would you sit in this pussy water maker, uh, Jackie? I'm surprised because if it's the discharge water, now I'm not a scientist. If it's discharge water, so is it dirty water that's just like splacking at your pussy? Hold on. It sounds like. You're not a scientist? I know. You call me Dr. Jazzy Jackie on the weekends, but that I'm a weekend scientist because I know about

It's more of a hip-hop thing, and that's why you're always rapping on the weekends. Yeah, only on the weekends and not the weekend, the singer. MJ, would you, I thought about you in a, in Pindjolette's hot tub? No, I'm in a second concern about the word discharge water. Yeah, discharge. But I'm also going to add in an additional concern that I've had a pathological fear of, I love a hot tub, I will get in a hot tub. but I saw like a really disturbing episode

of either Dateline or 2020 in the mid-90s about how like you don't want to sit on a jet in a hot tub because it can like accidentally disembowel you and I don't want that to happen via the pussy so it's a no for me dog that's gonna be a tough one for you're talking about the red sock right isn't that what it's called? I think that's what I'm talking about.

All right okay let's keep it moving good good God keep it moving I don't even like to talk. No one in my life even knows about this fear I have of hot dumps because it's so disturbing that I've never talked about it with anyone. There's also like a part of a Chuck Palin. I was just about to bring that up. I think is it haunted, right?

I think it's haunted. The Red Soxed. But it was so disgusting that I heard about. Because you're right, MJ, your fear is technically found and sound. Yeah. Oh, I know. I know because I saw it on a news broadcast as a child. Pop Culture Podcast.

Discharge nozzle. Don't put your organs next to the jets. Or your discharged nozzle. I mean, we've already been talking about me sucking by a dick and coming in a spincer. That was on you. Yeah. Don't blame us for your sucking your own dick habits, hold on. My word.

All right. Fine. Last but not least, Hedy Lamar invented Wi-Fi, just like Al Gore invented the internet. But no, this is actually real. I guess Hedy Lamar was a technological genius. She developed a communication system that worked by frequency hopping and eventually formed the basis for GPS, Bluetooth, and Wi-Fi, which is crazy. She's one of those brilliant beauties.

She had it all. Yeah, you can keep talking about me, discharge nozzle. I'm sorry, Dr. Jazzy Jackie. Thank you. I got a heart. You really put the Y and Wi-Fi. Am I right? People?

Oh, God. That's Debra's shows every week at the Grette's goes. Wi-Fi. Also, why can I not see anymore? Oh. I think I'm going. Blind items. Oh, we can't see them.

The A-list mostly movie actor already made a very poor choice with one permanent procedure done to his body. on, I'll give you more of a hint, on his back. I know his girlfriend told him that Botox would be great for him, but it isn't and he looks awful. Ben Affleck. Yes, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, I guess she's like, you should try Botox. It won't make you look, I don't know how to do her.

It won't make you look so good. It will see if Botox does help for, like, you know, they're using Botox like help with headaches now and stuff like that, but I don't know what it does in your back. Yeah. No, no, no, it was for his, the other procedure was his back tattoo. Oh, gotcha.

That was the other permanent procedure that he got done. Now he's doing Botox. Are we calling tattoos permanent procedures now? I mean, yeah. If he wants to get that thing removed, that would take so much pain and money and time. He's currently Phoenix. He's currently Phoenix.

Both of you guys, don't you see? He put the Phoenix on his back and now he is Phoenixing. That's where we have to start getting tattoos of what we want to be. Oh, so you think he manifested it. Do I need to get a tattoo of a guy stuck in his own? Yeah, I'll get you do. I'm not going to give this to you, sir.

Why? I know you have a daughter. I just think it's inappropriate to have it on your arm. Why, if it's on your arm? Yeah, don't put it in your arm. Just put it on your ass. No, I want all the other dads to see when I'm, like, at story hour and playground. I want it to be in a place.

See it? Everyone. All right. Here's another plastic surgery blind for you. Oh, okay. Ever since this foreign-born A-List singer started using his own plastic surgeon instead of the one his wife sleeps with from time to time,

his face looks much more natural. He's a singer, she's an actress. They are... Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow. No, they don't, they're not in this country, I'll tell you what. They're in a different country there, for sure. They're in a different country, and he is an actor, and she is a singer?

What accent were you just trying to do? an actor. He is a singer. She has sung in movies that Jackie likes. Nicole Kidnell? Yes. And Keith Urban. Wow. But I will say, yeah, he does

kind of look plastic surgeon and he is looking more natural these days. Yeah, no. So that is interesting. He still's got those wrist sweat rags. What do you call them, MJ? You like them. I love them. I call them I call them

sweat bands wristbands yeah wristbands sweat bands sweat bands I don't know what I call I haven't worn them since 2001

you are still the same person I met you never change MJ you were always the same I wasn't wearing sweat bands when we met changed the most in very

prominent ways actually I remember the silly band yeah literally has a It's a silly band. I'm thinking of the silly. I feel like in your silly bands time period.

I don't know why I also. I wasn't a silly bands. Yeah, I've always loved a bracelet. I like a silly band. Fuck yeah. I like a sweat band. I don't know what I called them. I don't know what you call them.

Sweat bands. Sweat bands. Sweat bands. You sweat and do them. Sweat pants. All right, this last one has nothing to do with plastic surgery. So whatever. Oh.

This foreign born A-list singer was hitting the meth pipe right before a big dinner last night. He has a wife. He was also at the Grammys. He, foreign porn feels weird for the... Justin Bieber. Yes.

He and his wife really enjoyed... Maybe that's why his suit was so big. Maybe he's just been doing too much meth and he just got too small. He and wife really enjoyed a romantic dinner. Normal-sized suit. Normal-sized suit. At a celebrity hotspot Carbone in Manhattan

the Monday after the Grammy Awards. He wore a big jean jacket and she's not pregnant. So put that in your meth pipe and fucking smoke. I still will never quite understand that there's lots about the paparazzi and about media that I don't understand. But the constant asking of someone

if they are pregnant or not is still always, like, that's so fucking weird. And then she has to be like, no, I'm not pregnant. No, I'm not pregnant. And maybe I want to be so fuck off. I know, awful. Never ask. I, we've talked about this on the show.

I will not, I am now finding my own, never ask if someone's pregnant rule really confronting me because I will be talking to people who are visibly like about to give birth and I'll be like, I'm not going to bring it up. You bring it up. You never bring it up. It's not my place. Although it was funny, Lexi's sister was to tell Lexi and her went to go like get manny petties and her sister was like, you're wearing a baby on board shirt. She was like, yeah, it's just comfy. She's like, so you know you're not allowed to get upset with anyone if they do ask if you're pregnant. Thank you for her for saying that though. Yes. Yeah, yeah.

That was so funny. I was like, oh, yeah, that's true. You kind of asking for it. Yeah, no, I always just assume, like, oh, I'm a bigger woman, so whenever I get it, I'm like, yeah, no, I'm just fat. And I just have to say that. Like, nope, it's just fat. But if you're wearing a baby on board shirt, I mean, you're kind of opening up the conversation. I still wouldn't say anything, though.

All those shirts that remember, Jackie, I got into the habit of sending you all the shirts that were like, I don't even remember. I'm an avocado in the pits, the big. Like, it's like, all these, like, all the, cum. dumpster and it's like putting it in a with an arrow. It really is. There's actual shirts like this where I'm just like oh my God. Yeah. Or like wish I had swallowed

you know like things like oh my god I love it. Yeah, it should have cut his dick off when he tried to fuck the first time. Oh yeah I totally hear that well I can see more like baby on snore am I right? Yeah you are

I can see again and And that's blind items you guys killed it. And welcome, rocking in the free world, man. I'm just happy to be alive, happy to breathe and see the fucking birds in the trees, you fuckers. I love the birds in the trees. Screw the birds and the bees. I'm here for the birds of the trees.

Yeah, more like birds in the sneeze. Yeah, it's like annoying. Yep, that's it. That's why we got to. I guess we got to get out of here. Uh-oh. See you later. Thank you guys so much for joining us.

Thank you so much for getting through my twilight conversation up top. I understand that a lot of people don't care, but it was a big part of my life, and I needed to discuss it. And my name is Jackie Zabrowski, and you can follow me on Instagram at Jack That Worm, and you can hit up our TikTok over on page 7 LPN. And I do shows on Tuesdays and Sundays over on Twitch.tv. forward slash, oh no, it's Jackie. And come check out our Patreon.

If you're curious about my dissented to madness via Twilight or whatever the hell smut I'm going to be reading next, check out pager.com forward slash page 7 podcast at a 7 number. Check me out. Twitch.tv forward slash Holdenaders Ho. Monday, Tuesday, Friday streams. April reel is. Oh, yeah.

Shit. Oh, my God. Tuesday. We did even. We're talking about the beginning of the episode. Damn it. It is. They'll know. They'll find out. It is happening. We have truths to reveal to each other. That's going to be what time are we doing that? 7 p.m. P.T.? No, I think we're doing 8 p.m.

Yeah, 5 p.m. We're doing 5 p.m. That makes sense. Pacific Standard time. It's got to be a sober hour. It's got to be like kind of, you know what I mean? You get drunk at the end. Well, for us, it'll be sober. MJ, I also understand it and encourage if you come in a couple drinks deep. Yeah, especially for your first. And your speech, not say a racial slur. But regardless, but you can't if you want.

I mean, you're free to do whatever you want. I won't. I probably won't. I didn't. Dabble? No. Oh, I'm sorry. You're going to be the MJ you are on podcast, not the one we know outside.

Yeah, the scary MJ outside. We are, we cower and fear. Check it out. And again, yeah, Patreon.com, 4. slash page 7 podcast and that Gmail page the number 7 podcast at gmail.com. Your conspiracies are greatly appreciated. Well, we have other slap theories, much like fish fuck gate. Who knows?

And I kind of like this rabbit hole because already mine eyes are opened to a truth I did not know. I was like, why would they fake it? But look, there's reasons for everything, man. You just got to dig deep enough. You've got to follow the money, Jackie. M.J. I'm MJ and I am MJKLKat on Instagram.

And you're ready for the shoutouts? Indeed. Shout, oh, shout, let it all out. These are the emails that you wrote it about. We're going to read it to you. Thank you guys so much for the shoutouts that you send in to page 7 podcasts at gmail.com. It makes my heart sore. And obviously I do not look if it's a celebrity.

conspiracy theory, or if it says for Holden, or if it says for MJ in the subject line, I will not look. I promise, I promise. Ooh, I'm like a little girl with a Christmas treats. Jackie, none of this little girl talk right now. It's time for the shoutouts. Oh, in our grief of twilight, we must shine on and send love to our fellow twice. Like our amazing Kelly, who is killing the game. right now. Their friend Melissa wrote in to celebrate Kelly. Melissa says, this shout out is to my best

friend slash neighbor slash coworker slash fellow twilight lover Kelly. I met Kelly almost 16 years ago when we were toiling away in retail hell. Several years later, we ended up living around the corner from each other in a different city and our ride or die friendship was cemented. I honestly don't know what I would do without her in my life. She introduced me to all things LPN and I I could not be more grateful. Our weekly girls' nights have kept me sane while navigating motherhood and this crazy thing called Life. If you are lucky enough to find someone who will rewatch all the Twilight movies with you at

least once a year, hold onto them. Kelly went back to school a few years ago to study social work, and she's graduating this month with honors. She did all of this while juggling a part-time job and raising her adorable son. Even though I am devastated to be losing her as a co-worker, I am so excited to see what's next for her. Kelly, I am insanely proud of you for this huge achievement. I cannot wait to celebrate with you by finally seeing the boys from last podcast at the end of April. Insert Henry's Axe Murder, I love you, girl, love Melissa.

Ah, I love your friendship. And I'm so sorry that Twilight is gone, but I hope that you were able to join us for our Twilight. And also, Noel, happy belated birthday, you beautiful soul. Your amazing energy shouts through your email, and I fucking love it. And, ooh-hoo-ho-hoo! You know, I love a self-shout. Noel says, I'm late, but I wanted to give myself a self-shout for my birthday. I turned 27 on April 11th, and know that I should have sent in a shout-out well before that date,

but I'm 27, and I'm over-questioning myself. Hell yes. I recently started a new dead-end job that pays my bills, and I'm really, really good at it. I just want to shout myself out and say how proud I am of how I've changed over the last couple of years. I found myself coming into my own confidence, and as a mid-to-plus-sized woman, it feels like a long time coming. Sorry, I almost like burst into tears. Uh, yeah, that's just Jackie for you, and I love you, Noel. Sometimes I look at myself or talk about how I handle situations and I'm like,

who is this woman? I'm so proud of her. Oh, that's so wonderful to hear, Noelle. Noel says, I guess the spice of life is constantly being surprised by yourself. I'd also like to give a shout out to my partner who doesn't listen to the show, but truly helps me be a better person by pushing me to grow and question my perception of our reality and other people in it. He is so genuine and kind and considerate of others.

he inspires me to do the same. He's the only man I could be with because he feels like a lesbian, and I'm so thankful I understand you. Thank y'all for the show and really inspiring me to be my own pussy. I'm sorry, own my pussy. To be my own pussy and to own my pussy, I guess both with my whole bussy. Hell, yeah, Noel. Love you so much right back at you.

Happy birthday, baby. Oh, and speaking of my heart-breaking, oh, my God, Anastasia, I needed to know that my heart goes out to you, and you are, oh, my God, an unbelievable writer. If you are not a writer just in your spare time, please pursue it because, God damn! This was a beautifully written email of loss and friendship, and I cried, and I cried, and I did have to edit some of it down, and it made me sad because it was so well, written. So thank you so much, Anastasia, for sharing this with me. And I, all my love goes out to you.

And Estacia says, the reason I'm writing you is to thank each of you for being there for me through what has been the hardest time of my life. I've always been a bit of a weirdo outsider, probably because I'm a traumatized only child. Thanks, Mom and Dad. And found it difficult to make friends in Pittsburgh. That changed when I met my best friend, Harley. That was the beginning of the best friendship, but really more of a sisterhood. Harley and I became fast friends in that rare way you only see in movies. Her energy was the most vibrant, and it radiated from her. From her pink-tinted glasses to her fuzzy bright sweaters, warm hugs, and the way she'd intently and genuinely listened to anything anyone ever had to say. She was an artist with a heart full of

creativity and was so incredibly talented. Well, I'm going to have to take multiple breaks during this. All right, got myself together. In the past two years, she'd moved away from Pittsburgh to Philadelphia to pursue more artistic ventures, but we stayed close, talked, and facetimed every day, and she was helping me plan my own move out there to join her. One evening in late January of this year, I found out she passed away suddenly. The days after I found out about the loss became increasingly difficult just to get through. One of the first normal things I was able to do was listen to an episode of page seven. I wasn't ready to laugh, but it playing in the back.

and helped me get through the suddenly overwhelming tasks of washing my hair and brushing my teeth, sitting with this loss at home alone. I can't thank the three of you enough for what you did in making this podcast. Oh, sorry, Anastasia. I am a mess. But the work that you're doing means something to a lot of people, myself included. Life feels mostly back to normal now, aside from the void left in Harley's absence. I can brush my teeth and cook for myself again, and have even gotten the strength to sign up for art classes,

a little way of honoring her memory. Harley was the most genuine person I ever had the privilege of knowing. She met them where they were at and accepted them graciously, was a tireless voice of advocacy, and gave the best hugs in the world. She was unapologetically herself, and it helped bring me out of my shell in ways I'd never imagined. It's cliche to say, But hug your friends while you can.

Make the memories. And let the stupid little things go because life is fleeting. For those grieving a deep loss right now, who might need to hear slash read this, hang on to those little things that keep you going. Don't be afraid to lean on those around you for support. People get weird about loss, and lots of people have said off-the-wall things to me since they're passing.

But they mean well, to take it with a grain of salt. Just know you don't have to face it. the monster that grief is on your own. Sending you all my best, Anastasia. Oh my God, Anastasia. I love you. And I'm so sorry. Believe me, I understand. Unfortunately, I understand. And thank you for listening because I really just wanted to get Harley's spirit out there into the world and say, hey, you are fucking great. Thank you so much for existing. And thank you. for all of your kind words, Anastasia. And now, for something completely different, Jackie, wipe the tears off because we are also

celebrating Jarrett today. Speaking of celebrations, please check out Chef's Kiss by Jarrett Melendez because he is thebom.com. And yes, we still say that in 2022. Oh, Jared is a part of our beautiful Twitch community as Jim Marmel, which you should totally come and join, and he is now a celebrated author of an LGBTQIA graphic novel called Chef's Kiss. Please look it up. It just dropped.

Jared says, it's your boy, Drew Marmel from the internet TM. And he says, it's been kind of an insane six months for me with some really big changes. But one constant has been you through. You stop. Page seven is what I listen to while I cook, while I work, and when I have trouble sleeping, which sounds like a backhanded compliment, but having something. to focus on when my brain is an overdrive helps a lot. I completely understand and I love you regardless, no matter what and forever. My relationship of eight years came to an end in the fall.

I started a new job as an editor of Epicurious, and the thing I'm really here to gush about, my debut graphic novel, Chef's Kiss, drops today. While this is a self-shout, I would be a real scumbag if I didn't also shout out the creative team that helped bring this book to life. my co-creator and illustrator Danica, who took my script and vague character descriptions and turned it into a gorgeous book. Oh my God, it really is. Hank, our colorist, who worked so beautifully with Danica's line work to create mood and lighting and so much more. And our letterer, Hassan, who went above and beyond to help sell my stupid jokes with his beautiful custom word bubbles and lettering. Danica and I started this book way back in 2017, and it's just now hitting shelves and being delivered to doorsteps today. It's surreal, overwhelming, and I'm so proud of the work we did to make this book a reality.

I can't thank you guys enough for the support you've already given, and I appreciate y'all so much. Thanks for everything you do, and thanks for everything you do, Jared. Again, that is chef's kiss. Jarrett sent us amazing copies of it, and I have read it, and I absolutely love it. I've got it up on my shelf now, and I'm so, so. happy for you and I'm so proud of you. Please check out Chef's Kiss by Jarrett Melendez. Yeah, gotta, you gotta.

We gotta support each other in our community. I love you guys so absolutely much. Be good to each other. Take care of yourselves and I just wish I could be hugging you right now. But I will be hugging you if you are able to come out to Nashville for June 18th for the LPN Country Jamboree. So come hang out with us over at the Ryman on June 18th. because I would absolutely love to meet you.

Have a great day. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors, you can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to lastpodcastnetwork.com.