Page 7 - Ep. 450: Grapefruit Boot Scoot

Episode Date: May 26, 2022

This week we're gossin' 'bout the HARDNESS of Top Gun, Holden praises the 1993 Crash Test Dummies album God Shuffled His Feet,  when and if to use the term "peenie" and if we will see Harry Styles' in his upcuming film, a list of celeb dongs we've seen on screen and Holden reminisces about Mr. Skin, Jackie and MJ "mourn" the impending loss of Riverdale and plot the next CW Reboot, Jackie announces some exciting news with Glorias love life, She-Hulk Attorney At Law, the awkwardness of Kourtney Kardashian's garter belt removal. And in celeb conspiracy corner;  Is Austin Powers a secret Scientology Propagandaaaaaaaa?? A list that will make you feel like a better parent! Blindsss and SHOUUUUTS! Want even more Page 7? Support us on Patreon! Patreon.com/Page7Podcast Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit. Have you been dying to see us live? Then get psyched about the last podcast network, Country Jamboree, at the Rhyman Auditorium in Nashville, Tennessee on June 18th. Jackie, we're not at the Country Bear Jamboree, but I am grinning like a possum, eating a sweet tater. Because we'll have all your favorite LPN family out and performing live, including last podcasts on the left, page seven,

Wizard and the Bruiser, No Dogs in Space, Brider Side, fraudsters, someplace underneath, the story must be told, and more. Tickets available now. Again, that's the Rhyman Auditorium on June 18th in Nashville, Tennessee. The last podcast network, Country Jamboree! Repping up your engine, listen to her howling, raw. Ruh, blah, blah, blah, blah. Metal on detention, begging you to touch you. I'm gonna go, Danger zone.

I'm gonna ride top gun. I always say, don't ride into the danger zone because stranger, danger. And that is a tip from me, Officer Holden. Welcome. I don't want you to ever be a police officer. No, thank you. Wouldn't want to ride at any kind of dangerous zone

because I value the quality of my life, Stranger Danger. So Officer Holden says, drink milk. you are not the kind of man that should be in top guns. Sorry, boys. Because we got to go get sweaty and tiny planes. Top gun are like flop gun, right?

Whatever. You, a man, no idiots. Are you talking about this is the hardest movie I have ever seen. If you tell me that anyone that was filming, the original top gun was not hard the entire time. Maybe Tom Cruise just had to have fish off to the side just so he could make sure that he could keep it up. I can't believe.

how hard. The set had an oil man. Just a man that would walk around in your picture everyone was as oiled as humanly possible. It was unbelievable. Even underneath their airplane garb. Yeah, that's what I said.

Airplane garb. Apparently it was also a cum trash can man. He literally had a giant trash can just filling it to the brim every shoot day with just absolute incessant loads of cum. That or just instead of a fluffer, I think they had a sweat boy.

Bring the sweat boy in here. It was the sweatiest movie. Okay, I saw Top Gun for the first time. Spoiler alert, confession time up top. I have never seen the original Top Gun before. And so last night, Jeff was trying to convince me to go see the new Top Gun. I was like, straight up, I've never seen the first one. So instead of doing that, we sat and we watched the first Top Gun instead.

Now, MJ, you said you've also never seen this movie. Yes. And I want to thank you guys for creating a safe space where people can confess the movies that everybody had seen. Oh, you know, see Apocalypse now! That was such a college thing, though. I feel like we kind of got, it was like so crazy.

Oh, my God. The way the room would light up when they found out some poor woman in the room hadn't seen the godfather yet. It's like, yeah, of course they haven't. They grew up on other things. Yeah, it's just, it's fine. They didn't, you know, I had an older brother

that went through a mafia movie phase. So of course I ended up watching them. He also went through a Star Wars phase. So of course I ended up watching them. But I feel like if it weren't for him, I wouldn't have seen these fucking movies either until I was 27. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Yeah, it's tough. You know, it's like, yes, there is like a shared body. Like, I know what Top Gun is. I just haven't seen it. You know, it just happens. Like some of them. So what do you think the movie?

What do you think happens in Top Gun? That's a good question. Oh, man. This is like it is. Okay. M.J. I said here in a safe space, so it all been playing. It's a same space.

It's a same space. This is like you are given the job of writing Top Gun. It's starring Val Kilmer and Tom Cruise. There seems to be some sort of a given take between the two of them. What happens in Top Gun? Yeah. All right. So I think that Tom Cruise is a sexy pilot.

Okay. So far so good. El Kilmer is also a sexy pilot. Interesting, very. Okay. And they have a bit of a rivalry. Whoa. Okay.

They've got to figure out who's the top gun. Wow. Wow. I am impressed. I am impressed. I am impressed. And you just saw the film. It's fresher in your head, Jackie.

So how accurate was MJ's description? Very accurate. I was very surprised because the thing is, all right. So I will, do you care about a spoiler from a movie from 1980? You cannot spoil. The Iceman Comet. Not in the sense of don't do it in the sense that it is impossible. So go ahead.

You can say whatever I want. I thought everything that I knew about Val Kilmer in this movie, because I knew that his name was Iceman. Yes. And so I thought about the killer Iceman, but it's not that kind of Iceman. I was like, he's probably real bad. But the entire time, now this, again, this movie is how old? like almost 30, almost 40 years old. And it shows.

Like they just don't write movies like this anymore where it's like the main hot woman who's supposed to come in and be like the knowledge one over all of the men. And she has to deal with all of these shit head pilots all the time. But then Tom Cruise comes in and he knows even more than she does. And her panties drip off her body. It's a taming of the shrew.

It's a taming of the shrew where I was like, I'm glad they don't want. I was like, if some top gun talk to me like this in front of his other top gun friends, I'd be like, get the fuck away for me. I am your superior. And I know more than you do. But her panties drip off of her legs. It is Tom Cruise and his prime.

I mean, this is the reason for the season here. And she's so hot too. And they ride it on a motorcycle together. Oh, do you know, does it make my boner go? What? Time is it. It is. But then with Val Kilber, I thought Val Kilber

was supposed to be like the epitome of evil. But in reality, his name, like Tom Cruise's name is Maverick. Because he is a Maverick. He is a fucking Maverick, Jackie. What the other people do. Yeah, he fucks the teacher. Well, he fucks a teacher.

And he also does dangerous moves. And Val Kilmer just is like, he's like textbook, the best pilot. And he's like, you're going to kill somebody. You're going to hurt somebody with that. And I was like, he's not evil. He's technically. completely correct. Right. Very important to follow the manual to the to the T when it comes to

piloting large aircraft. Yes. And then so I'm yelling about this and then at some point and Jeff understood and he agreed with me. But then at some point he's like, but dude, you don't realize like you have to watch him be humbled so he can come back and be the best pilot he could be. And he does. And it does. The thing is, is that even though all of these things, it is a, I feel like it knows how much of a ridiculous movie it is and leans into that. And like between that and underneath everything is just like, and it's like all the like musical version of Highway to the Danger Zone and take my breath away. Yes. And it's just so every time he looks at her, they go, boon-doo, bo-do, and I'm like, play the song. I've never been edged by a song.

so hard. I'm like, play the song, and they just get to do it. Bo-Doo, boom, boom. But please. Please, my dick, my brother away. And by the time they played, it was like, yeah! And of course, it was while they were banging. And I loved every minute of it.

It's a great movie. Yeah, holds up. I get it. Yeah, of course it does fucking Top Gun. M.J., how dare you? I get it. A lot of movies that we, as we have discovered here on page 7, a lot of movies, do not all, a hundred percent. hold up. I was born in 1986.

Not everybody born in 1986 is holding up that well, but it sounds like Top Gun is and I'm happy for that. Yeah, just like Crash Test Dummies, phenomenal, a sophomore album, God shuffled his feet, holds the fuck up. It's an incredible exploration of musical stylings. It's just like that. I always am comparing Top Gun with Crash Test Dummies and because I look at all these sweaty men because they're, so sweaty. And I go,

Mm-hmm, there was this pie man who got it to an argument with his best friend that he fucked the teacher. Yeah, he did. I let him go. Did flippie flippies in the air.

Oh my God, the air stunts are so good, MJ. And the whole thing is that who you fall in, see, that's the thing. I was like, who has time to fall in love with Tom Cruise? When you can fall in love with Anthony Edwards and of course I am in always an Anthony Edwards never a Tom Cruise in these kind of situations because Tom Cruise were thrown out there and I'm not even talking about fish

Bucking. It's ever really done it for me. Yeah well he's a short you don't want no short short man like a short shorts it's like that song by the way good god how we talk about it now how like there's a height requirement on Tinder but I mean this has been going on for forever oh yeah short short short man to the chagrin of so many people. I'm lucky enough to be actually, the last time I was measured, I'm actually somewhere between six and six one. I always said I was six one. And people

like, no, you're not. And I was like, yeah, I am. And then I went to the doctor, it's like, you're not quite six one. So whatever. But still. Oh, you're a tall guy. Like if somebody asks, is holding tall, I'd be like, yeah, he's tall. Yeah, tall enough. Tall enough to bang it out with who the fuck, you know, ever. I'm taken. Although this song would not be on Tinder, I would pass the test. Holden, we know you have a long dong and technically the Short, Short, Short, Short, Man is about having a...

Do we know that? I mean, that's what the... That's what the canon says that you have a long don't. It is a bit of a canon, I would say. Wow, everybody, they were talking about... Teeny-weeney-weeney-Schiver, Little Short Short... They're talking about... Tiny penis.

Yeah, ugh. Why are you saying peony now? I had to stop Lexi's saying peony a long time ago. I was like, never call it my peony. It diminishes it. I don't refer to my fiancé's peony. penis as his peony. Right.

I like to say peony outside of that. Do you refer to Harry Styles peony, I think, three times in the email? And now we're 10 minutes into the episode. Why are we doing? Pini makes me so viscerally upset. And I had to put the kibosh on it in my own household. Well, it's because I live in the fucking danger zone. I got on the highway.

I got off the exit. And now I am in the danger zone. It has been 10 full minutes on Top Gun, which came out. as we already said in 1980. I just had so much to say about it. Not nearly 40, by the way. I am not nearly 40. No.

You're plainly mid-30s and I am still in my early mid-30s even though that's not true. But my mom says it's true and I'll take Linda's word to the grave. There you go. And yeah, I was talking about Harry Stiles peonies because I couldn't see anyone's peonies touching top gun even though I begged for it the entire time. There were so many scenes where they got so close.

to each other. I'm like, come on, you're all sweaty. Because I guess there's no air conditioning on naval basis. Because they were, it's the sweatiest movie I think I've ever seen. Well, sweat and oil. But their penis didn't touch. Oh, yeah. Everyone's glistening. There's the oil man.

I forgot about that. I forgot about the oil man. Which is literally about a guy who goes around. It's straight pornography. I'm not going to lie. I will watch it. Does it have the cast of Top Gun in it? It's got a couple.

A couple of people. It's got goose. It's got, I love these nicknames. Viper, Jester. Wolfman. Wolfman. Slider. Oh, yeah.

Especially, there's one seed where Tom Cruise goes up to Slider, who is Iceman's, like, second. Radar Intercept Officer. Iceman's Radar Intercept Officer. And he goes, he goes, hey, slider. You stink. And he walked away. And I was like, good one, Mav. really got him there Maverick

Well Was it yeah I bet it did make him cry a little bit Because they're so sweaty But I will say that like they say How many times God damn it Maverick Because oh

He's always out there And he's doing his own thing But we I will stop Talking about talking about I was going to segue Now I was going to segue And then I had more to say Good God

So what about Harry Styles? I want to talk about this movie Because I don't understand it The Harry Valerie darling. Yeah, I thought it was definitely a just kind of a romance filmic experience, but it seems to be that it is more of a thriller, experiential film.

Yes, with Florence Pugh. And it's directed and also has Livy wild. Yeah, more like Florence, you are not correct. Lauren's, not in this house. Not in this fucking house. Good, guys, I bow to her throne. We love Florence Pugh.

We love Mitzummer, very good. She cries, so good, she screams. She's amazing in everything that I have seen her in. And she's going to be in Don't Worry, Darling, which is the movie that is written and also starring Olivia Wilde. And Olivia Wilde, who is also in a relationship with Harry Styles. And Harry Styles is going to be in it.

But Harry Styles apparently signed a contract that we will never see his peony. I mean, I think that that's, we don't, most actors, we haven't seen their peony. I don't know why it's such a big deal that we're not going to see him. Well, Dong's, you know, I said, the new frontier has been male Dong. For a while now, this has been the new development.

I keep saying that HBO is always the leader of, you know, kind of the new body part. Y'all got to watch Minks. If you want to see some Pee. Minks, yeah. Oh, man. You see his daughters that we've seen in the last five years. Like, I mean, Willem Diffoe at least. Well, I know we've seen Willem Diffoe's peony.

I know that there was a lot. I mean, again, I think I'm thinking of, like, righteous gemstones. There's been a lot of hand-donged. Yeah, there's a lot of dick and righteous gems. It's a lot of comedians. It's a lot of dumpy comedian. in dongs. It's used for comedic effect a lot of times, unless it's a sexy fantasy show, then it's there for a pleasure. Are you talking about a court of thorns and roses right now?

Because they are working on that. No, I'm talking about Game of Thrones, but more like a bore of game of, nope. I forget the rest of the title, because it's so boring. You just got next it. Also, there was that sex slash life show that was big for a while that you see like, like there's lots of hanging dong and that. Scenes from a marriage. Oscar Isaac and scenes from a marriage. Do you see Asper Isaac's dong and scenes from marriage? Yeah.

It delivers a monologue. Oh my gosh. To be or not to be. It is the penis. I don't mean to dispute that it's the age of the dong. I agree with you. I was just trying to, I was like, think, I was, for some reason I thought of the other sad marriage movie and I was like, did we see Adam Driver's dog yet?

But I don't think we. No, we saw Oscar. I forgot. We saw Steve Zons in the White Lotus. Yeah. Don lover part 7 and 9 had a ton of celebrity dong. Sorry, I'm doing, I guess I'm doing an early list because we see Paul Mescal's and normal people.

Yeah, it's a really good list. Oh, yeah, no. Celebrity dogs of the new dog era. What are you on like Mr. Skin right now? Remember that website? Mr. Skin, it was, I remember like it was, that guy was on Howard Stern once, too, the guy who like runs the site. What a weirdo.

He just sits and figures out exactly where in the movie nudity happened. Very much an antiquated need for people because now we have pornography at our beck and call. We don't need to rent a blockbuster video just for the sole purpose of fast-forwarding it to exactly where a tit is. Astronaut's wife, baby. Yeah, exactly. I heard it's a bummer, by the way, the new show a little bit.

The new Astro. Oh, you're time traveler's wife. Yeah, I, have you read Time Traveler's wife? Time Traveler's wife, I read Tom Traveller's Wife, and I've seen the movie of Time Traveler's Wife, and I was like, I don't think I want to watch this story again. It's like one of the first books I read that I was like, I cried so hard that I couldn't be, I couldn't exist anymore. It's like, I can't watch it again. And that's coming from a dear Zachary head over here. Don't call yourself like Dear Zachary. How dare you invoke Dear Zachary into this episode.

This is like the sign that says like day is since a workplace incident. Yeah, yeah. How dare you. Back to zero, maybe. We had like two years maybe where we didn't mention Deer Zachary on the show. Back to zero. Well, it's because I threatened Jeff with it. Jeff has never seen it.

So anytime I see, I pass it on an app, I'm like, Jeff, is it time? He's like, please don't ruin the rest of our day. No. And I just, I'm going to get him at some point. I don't know when, but I'm going to make them watch it. But since we're back to Peony Talk, the opposite of Dear Zachary Talk. I don't know where my brain went with that. Euphoria also had a lot of hanging dog.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, they did a whole dick pick, uh, segment, which was hilarious. Oh, yeah. They certainly did. They picked apart the dick pick, uh, valuating. I'm like, I feel like in the canon of Jackie, it would be surprising that I'd be like, Harry Seiles isn't going to show his peony.

I am, I think that there's, I feel bad that he. He has to openly say that I will never show my penis. He has to be, he's like, my sex life is the only thing of mine that's mine. Isn't that kind of his thing, though? I feel like he puts himself in that position. Oh, no, no, no, oh, everyone wants to know how I fuck and how I suck and what it looks like. And you know what? I'm going to guess he's a borough snorro.

And this makes him seem interesting and crazy. And that's what he's hitting right now. He's like, and by the way, Yeah, no shit people want to know about your sex stuff because all your songs are like, sucking on a watermelon lick, lick, baby lick. So of course we want to fucking know how you fuck, bro. Don't just sit here and be like,

don't put out fucking watermelon sugar and then be like, oh, ooh, ho, ho. Everybody wants to know how I fuck, and lick, and it's so invasive. Here's my next song. It's called holes loving. Holes loving, I like to sucking on my holes loving, like Skap play.

I like piss play I want to know bro if you're putting out songs about fucking you know a dead dog I'm not gonna be like how does he fuck I'm gonna be like I feel bad for him yeah no exactly no one's asking how Neil Young fucks me

is Neil Young's like coming out sucking on my little boy you know what I mean like he's not fucking singing songs about five you know water felon fuck lick girl she's a water and you know what if he did put out water merging him.

Girl, it would be, we would be asking questions. We would be asking the real questions in a court of law, all right? Don't dare you. He's older women. It means we have a shot, MJ. I just put two and two together on that.

It's, oh, I feel so bad from everyone wants to know if he's gay or, it's like, yeah, because he's putting out all these songs about like how good he eats pussy and shit. So yeah, we want to fucking know whatever. He is pure sex on stage. You don't understand.

Of course, people need to know these things. I'll never show the thing that 99% of my songs are about. Yeah, well, then, yeah. Maybe I want to see it because you're talking, you're like, magical pole, magical hole. Magical pole, I want to know what a magical pole would look like. You're convincing me. Okay, you're saying this in Jess, Holden,

but then you watch the Don't Worried Darling trailer, and it is just like psychological sex. It's like, of course the question is going to pop up. Right, right, exactly. Exactly. It seems to be a movie about like a woman who gets in too deep around a man's sexual finger. Yeah. Right?

And then because of that, some upsetting nasty shit is going on in some secret rich man society situation. Yes. I can't wait. This trailer, though, you ever watch a movie trailer and you're like, okay, the suspense is a little bit too strong? Like, I'm actually confused. If you ask me, what, is it like a Stepford Wives situation? Is it like a, is everybody a robot? Like, I just don't know.

I don't know what the film is about. I watched the trailer. I watched Harry Stiles. I felt attracted. But I, it was too movie trailery for me to discern the storyline of the film. But that's fine. I don't need to. I'll watch it because I want to see the rest of Harry Stiles's body, if not his

Yes. Right. And it is like, but I also, though, love that about the trailer because what really drives me nuts, the pirates rated R. What drives me nuts like the pirates wheel down his pants because it drives his nuts. Is that when trailers show the entire plot. That's true. And I'm like, then what's the point of seeing the fucking movie if you show all the good parts? That's true. This has me wanting more so much that I have no idea what it's about.

guess that's good. I want to know more. Like, I actually left watching the trailer being like, all right, I'll be excited to see this mystery, mystery movie that I don't know what is so suspenseful, but I can tell it's suspenseful. But yeah, I mean, he's a nice leading man. Here's some tracks from Harry Stiles' newest album, by the way. Literally, I'm not making these up. Music for a sushi restaurant. That's about eating pussy. It's good. Late night talking. Oh, I love him. Little Freak. Right?

Have you listened to the album? It's great. No, I haven't yet. Boyfriends. He wrote a song called Boyfriends. Maybe he's going to get the question. You know what I mean? About his proclivities.

You're right. He's going to get the question. And the answer is nay. And I wish we're not talking horses here. Or maybe that's what he was trying to say. Well, why do I feel like this is all, you know, this is his art and he's like totally asexual? Like, why do I, like, why do I get that since?

We're never going to know. And I think, you know, it's good, good for him, that he gets, go for him, keeps it to himself. You know, it was that, it was that musical theater girl that was all everything she did in every class or every, like, even at parties, she was just like, I'm the sex girl. You look at me and see the sex lady. And then, like, but then she always goes like, oh, oh, oh, like on every date she goes on with every guy, you know, and you find out, you're like, oh, she's like, this is just the thing. I think that's what his thing is. I think he's the sex musical theater person. You know what I mean?

I like, and I like that we now have, like, a leading man. Like, he looks like, like, you know, I like that he's going to be in movies. I like that he's going to be in movies. I like I confuse people. Like, I feel like Harry Styles is thing. And this is a different thing that everyone wants to see his penis. But, like, everybody is just, like, very, you know, there was the whole, the, was it Vanity Fair with him in the dress?

Like, people are like, I have a boner for you, but I, like, girl. and that confuses me. Or, like, I have a boner for you and I like boys, but you're wearing a dress. Like, I, you know, so it's like, I feel like he's our, he's a pioneer in the tease department because he's not only teasing about his hot dong, but he's also teasing about, like, you know, he's not even that gender bendy, but he's just like a little gender bendy enough to freak everybody out and turn them out at the same time. And we love that.

Which is sad that it takes that lit, like, you're really. really doth, that it's like, that that makes people be like, bu, bo, bo, bo. B, bo. I was like, yeah, man. Lots of people can be hot in, like, real different ways. Isn't that? Corraise taxi? I was trying to figure out who it was, like, I read some article that somebody was like,

I forget who was comparing him. Because, like, he's compared often to, like, a David Bowie or like a Freddie Mercury, but it was someone else that I think, was it Mick Jagger that was like, he's just rocked me. Hey, doggy, go. the moves, but he's going to go to the jibbles. Yeah, he said some kind of British old man thing.

He's a right rickety roll, like, oh, la la, la, la, la, you know what I mean? He just got to win off on some old man thing. He just, you know what he's? He's like, oh, I just impregnated woman again, and he's 73 years or whatever he said. You know what I mean? It's like, you have 20 kids. Why don't you go over there and tend to that fucking hay bale as opposed to coming after old Harry Stey Stey Stuy.

But he is, Mick Jagger. It's just, he's such an ass. He's essentially being like, I could see how people go bears, but on the best. Like, he's like, I did it before he did it. And, um, you know, fair, you are, you've got like 50 years on him. So I guess you stole me moves. He stole me moves.

That's me move. He stole that. I hate it when he pulls out of the Jiminy legs. The twirling girly, girlie, he stole that for me. I feel like if it's Jiminy legs, is that like Jiminy Cricket where he can make music with his legs? which actually I would love to see. And Nick Cannon, a studio impregnate 22 womenina from me, yeah.

So there you go. It's a bloke right there. Yeah, well, Riverdale is ending, and MJ and I are upset. You're not upset. You know you're not upset about it. You can't wait for it to be over. And I love to, how mad you are at the idea of a dark Riverdale-esque Scooby-Doo show because you just can't be sucked back in.

No, I won't do it. I don't think I can do it. I don't think I can do it. You know, I feel like Riverdale just had such a good idea, which is like, what if we take something that's not dark and make it dark? And then I think dark, dark Scooby-Doo is like, it's just like, okay. The boring corporate, like, finish line of that. Yeah, it's just like, what if we took this good idea and just made it way more obvious

and way more heavy-handed? It might be very good and probably will watch it. But, like, I feel like Riverdale was just. I mean, obviously, no, there's nothing that's not heavy-handed about Riverdale right now. But, like, in the beginning, it was such a good idea to be like, ooh, we're talking about Junkhead and Jelly Bean. I don't know if you heard of this new show with Teddy Ruxman as a sex worker. It is very strange. It's called Teddy Fuxman, and it's about...

I would love to watch Teddy Fuxman. And his body's all hard. And he goes, yes, it's because I miss. I had a muscle. And then it's just, it's Teddy fuckspin comes in. He steals your lady because you know he's going to. Yeah. I'd go with Teddy Foxpin in a fucking second.

Sorry, Jeff. You know Gloria's going to get that treatment, not you. Oh, my God. I'm trying to sit here and think Teddy Foxman's going to want your ass with he's got. I didn't tell you. Glory has got a boyfriend. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I have a bunch of weird pictures of a dead fox stuffed fox and a plastic goose on my phone. because we were drunk. My bestie Madeline sent me a stuffed fox with a Harley Davidson cap upon stint, and sent Gloria a new partner. If Gloria approves this is not a forced marriage.

Have they not yet? No, they've met. No, right now, right now he's kind of draped along topper. Perched on her, and that doesn't feel very consensual. She asked. She went, ah, ah, ah, and I was like, okay. All right, just a little bit closer. Just a little bit closer.

But the clothes are on, don't worry. Well, the fox doesn't have clothes on yet. But I don't know how to quite get it around the base. So if you know how I can get some taxidermy clothes out there for a hard-bodied fox, let me know. I guess you're not talking about a stuffed animal. You're talking about a taxidermy dead fox. Yes. Yep, y, y, y, y, y, yum, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It really goes with the kudu. It goes with the kudu that lives in my bedroom. room no. I feel like we're mixing genres here. Porch goose and taxidermy are two completely different things. That's like, yeah, Jackie's apartment's turning into like a... Wait a second, are you putting parameters on love right now?

Jaggy's apartment is starting to look like a deep south gas station that one really makes sure to just like get in and out of as quickly as possible in the dead of night. No one should let me not have roommates. I need roommates again. No one should, I feel like Jeff and I was like no one should let us be adults. Right. And you already have a taxidermy in your home. Don't you have a stuffed?

Cudu. I got the couto. And didn't you stuff it yourself? No, that was my, no, that was the rat. I have Gwyneth Paltrat. And she lives in my office. But no, I also, we do also have a bust of a cudu now that we, that I didn't, it's a vintage cudu and I didn't ask for it.

But it lives in our bedroom now. Anyway, enough a taxidermy corner with Jackie Spruzky. But now I know how to taxidermy and it's pretty great. Scooby-Doo! I don't know how I feel about it being sexy because honestly, I feel like the cartoon, the reason why Jughead is so fun, like in the Archie universe,

is because it's not sexy at all. But isn't Scooby-Doo? Or am I being yucky here? Pretty sexy already. No, I think what it is is that if, you know, I even said when I saw the thing about, I don't know if it's even actually a real thing, honestly, but when I saw a thing about it was like...

Well, maybe Kaling is doing one called Velme. and she's playing Velma. That is an animated thing. Yes. And, yeah. Really, there's two different Scooby-Doo reboots happening right now? The other thing might have been this thing that went viral that's not even necessarily real.

I have to go back and look. It makes total sense that they would do the Riverdale treatment to Scooby-Doo. But yeah, there is an HBO show, an animated show. It looks very similar to, if you saw that Harley Quinn animated show, which is very funny and very dirty and kind of takes these, like, clean-cut characters and, you know, and so that's going to be what this is. It's a mockumentary special that is going to be on the CW. They're doing a mockumentary special.

Sounds like a test pilot, though. It does 100% sound like a test pilot. Totally. I mean, I guess if you need it and you want it to streak it out when it comes out and we'll let you know, and don't worry, I'll be on top of it to see if it's even worth our time. I will say as someone who has perused the many cosplayers out there a little bit from time to time,

Every single Cosplayer has a Velma spread. Every single one. It is usually Daphne as well, but it is such a go-to to do sexy Velma because of course sexy Velma because she's like corky and nerdy but you can sex her look up

like really easily and quickly. So of course they need to hit this as soon as possible. My question though is to y'all what innocent thing would you love to get a Riverdale treatment. You know mine. My mind is forever Winnie the Pooh.

I have such a great idea. If you can get this idea into production, let me know. Christopher Robin. He is older now. He forgets about Winnie the Pooh in the 100-acre forest. But now he's a grizzle detective and he goes missing. And so inside of the 1,000-acre woods, they find out that he's missing. And so they leave to go and find him.

but as they leave the tree, they become sexy human being. That was going to be my first question. Are we, because this is the problem with doing these reboots. And the reason another reason my Riverdale was perfect is because you want them to be human beings. You don't want to have like a sexy bear. Although, B stars, well, unless it's Jackie. Yeah.

There is a monster fucker community out there, Jackie, of course, a member of that group. So yeah, some of some people do want to see that kind of smut. Yes, and no judgment. I just, I think if we're talking like the CW aesthetic, not be stars, it's like sexy people. But then that's the thing. So like inside of their brain, I feel like you would hear, and they would still talk like their old characters,

but outside, like, we need the poo. Like, oh, the sudden we'll need the poo. Sounds like this. And he's like inside of society. So he goes a toy. Yes, although it would be funny to watch like Harry style. He's a girl. What about UMJ?

You know, because I could see like a saved by the bell. I was going to say saved by the bell. Like I would do, you know, and obviously, Save by the Bell has been resuscitated to the point of just let it die at this point, but like, I would take a dark, gritty version. Yes.

Yeah, I would. There's no real animating darkness to it. Like, if you took the Johnny Dakota episode, you know, where the famous movie star comes and tries to get them all to smoke weed, maybe that could kind of be the inspiration. Johnny Dakota. Johnny Dakota, there's no hope with dope.

That episode. Like maybe, you know, so I think, I think that I want to say, save by the bell, it could also be a full house, you know. We haven't squeezed every ounce of content from the 90s yet. Right, right, right. I could actually, I'm going to put my shoe in for coach, the TV show coach. I mean, that's already sexy. Craig D. Nelson was in it, which means. Yeah, but we bring him back.

He's like, you know, the head mass. I don't know what he is, but whatever. We bring in a new sexy group like, dude, like, and the problem. the coach, the problem that he has is he has this strange erectile issue where he's always hard. Oh. And it's just a part of life. And everyone has to kind of accept that about him. But, you know, then that also leads to, I'm going to say, a couple of interesting proclivities.

Ooh, I want some proclivities. Maybe it's, maybe it's hook. Like, maybe we do like a dark, a dark, sexy Peter Pan. Oh, my lost boys are now lost men. They're called. They're all men. Oh, my God. It's like a gay.

It's dark. The found men. It's like a dark queer hook. I love that. I love how hard we are working to avoid the dumb wedding that happened. It's like the only thing that happened. It's just that everything. I don't care about it.

I'd rather talk about it. It's the trial and Courtney Kardashian's wedding. I'd rather talk about horny old man Craig T. Nelson. He is 78 years old and he cannot not be hard in my show that I'm creating in my mind. But I'd rather talk about his weird old man hard dick. than Travis Barker and what's her name? Courtney Kardashian. It's just everything.

It is so, their publicists are so crazy. They're so good. It's the only articles that came out for like three days. Well, it's that of the messy divorce trial that is messy and gross and everyone's pulling out the popcorn for it and I don't get it. So enjoy that, y'all. But I literally have nothing else to say about it. And we will be talking about it over on, oh no, it's Jackie.

That will be a separate. conversation after the trial and I think that we are tentatively thinking June 1st for that discussion but I will have a lawyer on hand for that which would be great. All I have to say about the trial is that like let's not

just like gleefully discuss domestic abuse allegations. Whatever you, whatever side you stand about can we stop enjoying these horrific descriptions of violence so much? It's not fun. It is not fun. Oh whatever party pooper is

No, it's seriously. It's very rain on everyone's fun parade. But I don't think domestic violence is so fun. It's like celebrity boxing matches are really in right now. Okay? It's just all the craze, you know, Logan Ball. No, that's why we're talking about things like She-Hulk Attorney at Law. I thought that She-Hulk Attorney at Law was a japerie.

I cannot believe that it is a real show that's coming out. But then I looked into it and I was like, actually, this looks pretty fun. And I'll probably watch it. Well, Tatiana Maslani, I'm a little bit upset. because I've wanted to bone Tatiana Maslani ever since Orphan Black. Like probably more than almost. She's in my, I always forget about her

because I didn't have BBC access anymore after like 2013. So I haven't watched Orphan Black in forever. But damn, she's probably in my top five celebrities. You watch Perry Mason too, right? I'm not watched Perry Mason to my, much to my, my parents love old Perry Mason. I don't know if they love New Perry Mason.

New Perry Mason, Tatiana Maslani is amazing. Okay. She's just so hot. And I'm just sad that, like, you have, like, the hottest actress on Earth and you're making her look like that in Shehawk. But whatever. Mark Rofalo is also hot and we can have hot people be the Hulk. I also think it yums a lot of people in the, like, she's just, like, big and green. And as a monster fucker myself, I think it is, like, it does do it for some, but not all. And I could definitely, like, for Tatiana Maslani, I'm like, yeah, girl, green it up. Yeah, whatever you want. Totally. And I ask Gideon how he feels about it, both as a superheroist and a lawist. And he said that he is worried about how the law, he's reserving judgment. He said he's nervous in terms of how the law aspect will play out, like what kind of lawyer she will be. But he's reserving judgment and that he's excited and that he loves Tatiana. So, you know, I think I'll come back with some lawyer takes on She Hulk attorney at law after. it comes out. I'm sure I'll be made to watch it. I do also appreciate the creator is Jessica Gow. And her one, like, big, huge credit is writing the Pickle Rick episode of Rick and Morty, which is, you know, very, I'm not like the hugest Rick and Morty fan, but I do enjoy it.

And I just think that I was like, that actually made me go, oh. Hell yeah. Okay. Maybe this will be nutty and like a Tyco Watiti kind of fun, silly, goof them up, kind of take. an established Marvel property and really goof around with it. And I think that's when things are interesting these days with it.

Because we've seen them nail the MCU thing and now it's like, what can you do to Futs with it? You know what I mean? Just like, you know, that amazing new Doctor Strange movie that Jackie loved. I just love how they fought with the musical notes.

And I've had people at me, I'd be like, that musical note moment and that filmic experience was phenomenal. It was my ever. Jackie's thoughts about movies are turd-like. I was like, wow, that's mean to say. I talked about Top Gun for 10 minutes at the top of this episode.

So. They got married, Jackie, and she had a really cool looking dress thing. And everyone was like, oh. Did you see she had a veil? Did you see? The veil, that's what it was. Yeah, it was amazing.

She wore black. And you know what? She stole it from me, Courtney Kardashian. Okay, and I love to. So the one thing you linked is the one thing. and I, all right, I always have to, I always think this when I think about saying something like this out loud. If you did this in your wedding, no judgments, but for me personally, my personal tates, I think the garter removal thing is gross because you're doing it in front of a bunch of family. And then when I pulled up the picture, she's literally wearing lingerie.

And I'm like, is this one of those no kids allowed weddings? I don't think it is. So there's just a bunch. So what you don't see is a bunch of children and old people all. standing around this woman in lingerie while this tattooed man takes off her garter with his teeth it's always so weird it's always so horn

inappropriately horny in an event where there's like a bunch of kids and things anytime there's like a weird horny thing and an event with a bunch of kids at it I'm always like I'm good which happens like right before you're supposed to dance with your parents you know it's just like yeah I also yeah again know if it was fun at your wedding I totally believe you.

I've just never, I've just always been like, I don't want my family to see me having some guy. A horny mama. Having his head in between my legs, I don't want that. Yeah.

We get it. It's gonna be, you know, they're gonna fuck late. Yeah, great, good. But you know what I mean? Yeah. We don't need. And that was so crazy.

I mean, she's just wearing a teddy. They called it like her like mini bridal mini or whatever. But I'm like, that's not, that's just a sexy, Lacey Teddy that she's wearing at her reception. Anyways, but again, they get you talking. Oh, they get you talking, don't they? Those case.

Oh, it's like, I was just straight up, this is sad as someone that is planning a wedding currently. I was like, why do they do the garter toss? And I guess it's, I didn't realize that they take the garter because I've never actually seen it done in person. Meaning that they take the garter and they throw it like the bouquet. Yeah. To the eligible bachelors so that they get good pussy luck, I guess. And it is, I, yeah, I can't imagine it.

Oh, what a matter you got. And that song plays. Harry Styles comes out. If you're married Harry Styles. And then isn't it also a little bit weird to be like, oh, I want all the men I know to like be holding my underwear? You know, like that's, I don't want that either. Oh, wow.

This smells a lot like her vagina. You know what I mean? Well, it doesn't go all the way up there. But if it does go, I mean, I also, I got thick thighs. So it would certainly roll all the way up or it would roll all the way down at some point. There'd be some kind of moisture on it. It's like the only traditional thing that they did at their wedding. And I was like, of course, that's the only traditional thing.

Right, yeah, of course. The one gross one. The one disgusting one, that's what they did. I always was like never in a million years, when I went into my wedding, I was like, that is the last thing I want to do ever to a million years in front of a bunch of people. I also, though, I think I brought this up even on this show. I used to love watching, like, mortifying wedding moments. And it's usually because, you know, it's usually the guy gets too drunk.

There is a video of a guy who, like, cannot, he cannot stand. He's so drunk. And he does, they are doing the garter ceremony. And he's, like, falling all over the place. And he thinks he's being, like, so suave and sexy, but he's just, like, way too hammered. It's so awkward. And I just always think about it when I think about the garter. And, yeah, everyone's standing around in circle of this guy.

And that's the other thing, too, is, man, it's a, confounding to me how many stories you read about, usually the groom, but it can be the bride as well, doing like a bunch of shots on your wedding day. Like, it's so crazy to me. And then that kind of stuff happening. God, I love wedding. I hear that you don't really get the time to eat.

So even if you take like a shot or two, very easy to get way too hammered, I imagine. I'm just being like, I mean, if I got married in my 20s, one or two shots would not have done. me. But now if I took one or two shots on an empty stomach, I'd just be like, who did I marry? Was Harry Stiles, as Harry Stiles, my husband? Well, luckily, we got to eat at my wedding, but that's because we also got that bean fountain, which I love to shoot beans out. Yeah, I remember all the big beans. They squeeze out of the little holes. And you said, the tinier the whole, the bigger the bead. And we all say, the tinier the hole, the bigger the bead, which turned out to be Harry Stiles next big hit. And now holding you're a millionaire. What is he doing in the bedroom with that kind of music?

Oh, my Lord. Grapefruit boot scoot. What a fuck? I don't know who in the night. Will it be a man? Will it be a lady? Will it be something in between? Okay.

Oh, my God. I'm down for all of these songs. I hate grapefruit boot scoot. I love grapefruit boots. I love grapefruit. My favorite song. Well, don't worry, we will not be talking about any more of Courtney Kavanaugh's wedding. It's time for the...

Yeah, it's time for the Holden's conspiracy theory. Oh, my God. Hit me with the share. Do you believe in? Is Austin Powers the secret Scientology propaganda. Oh, wow. Yes. There's actually...

It's one of those headlines where you're like, fuck you, Holden. You're fucking running out of them, right? But this one actually holds from water. My water, I mean piss. This one comes in from Jethro. Says, hey guys, I've wanted to email this to you for a while, given that I just like literally 10 minutes ago submitted the last piece of work for my master's project. I felt like it's time to share my consideration.

Congrats. We have someone in the shoutouts too. You guys should hit each other up and high five. Nice. So here it is. Awesome Powers is Secret Scientology Propagana. There are a few wishy-washy connections and a few genuinely weird ones. I'll do the wishy-washy ones first.

one. In the spy who shag me, Dr. Evil has his layer inside a volcano. Volcanoes have massive significance in the mythology of Scientology as they were where the ancient warlord Zimu, erroneously called Zinu by summit, Zimu X-M-U. No thank you. Grapefruit boot scoot. Zimu dumped the Thetan's before blowing them up with nuclear weapons. The souls of these Thetans are the source of all human illness and suffering. In fact, volcanoes even feature. on the cover of Dianetics, the foundational text of Scientology to try subconsciously influence people to buy it. Absolutely. Number two, in Goldmember. It is revealed that Austin and Dr. Evil are both traumatized by horrific events that happened while they were still babies.

Despite the fact they would be unable to remember these events. This also fits with Scientology as it is believed that negative events from birth onward can negatively affect a child by attaching Thaetons to them. See Katie Holmes' silent birth of. Tom Cruise's children, and there is a link to that, and I refuse to click. What is that? It is.

You can't scream. You can't have that kind of, like, bad energy, or else the Thetons will attach to the babies. Ew. So she's just, silent like I fuck? Yep, just as silent as when you, except there was no, like,

ugh, at the end. I don't do that. She did it completely in silent. I go, now! Like you're releasing the floodgates? Yeah. Here's number three. The Scientology C.org in Manchester, England,

through a bizarre Austin Powers-themed party, and I love that they linked to the, I believe, the flyer for it. And it is come and hear the groovy news. Yeah, baby. Austin Powers' ideal org event. Just as Austin Powers, this happened, Saturday, 2nd, February. I don't know what year this was.

Just as Austin Powers is on the flyer. Just Austin Powers was revived in the... present day to vanquish his old adversary. Dr. Evil, so will Manchester Ideal Org be created in the present time to conquer man's Dr. Evil. The reactive mind here in the

North. Join the truly cool and groovy club be part of creating Manchester Ideal Org and a new civilization. Join us for fun and creation, it says. That sounds so scary. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Join us for fun and creation.

Sounds like we're having an orgy. Can I count you in the cool and groovy club? Let a staff member know you can make it. Yeah, baby. That's what literally it says on this flyer that I'm looking at from, I think this is 2006, 2007, very upsetting. Still even dated at that time to say, yes, yes. And that is what Jethro notes hardly the most relevant franchise in the late 2010s, unless your audience has already been subconsciously primed by the films to be into Scientology.

To be activated, if you will, kind of like the blonde breastwerext. women, what were they called again? The Fembots. I know, right, pretty convincing. I probably don't need to point out the other stuff, but here it is. In the opening and closing segments of gold member, a fictional Austin Powers film is used as a framing device. This framing device includes a cameo from both John Travolta and Tom Fischucker Cruz,

the two biggest Scientologists in the world. Is it really possible that they sign on for such a silly project without having an ulterior motive approved by Short King Scientology Pope David Miscavage himself? Whoa. Finally, and this is genuinely the weirdest bit at the end of International Man of Mystery, there is a scene where Austin and his love interest are honeymooning

in a fancy hotel. Except it isn't actually a hotel. That scene was actually filmed inside the Scientology Celebrity Center in Las Vegas. And they linked to a source of a listicle that you could use Jackie called 10 Things You Didn't Know

about Austin Powers International Man of Mystery. This is a Scientology church built for the purpose of grooming young creative types into the new generation of Scientology frontmen following in the footsteps of Fishfucker and Jontra. In conclusion, the Austin Powers franchise is nothing

but in front for the Church of Scientology. This is an undeniable fact in all caps. Love the show. Celebrity conspiracy theories is great and it's all at its best when the barrel is being scraped. Regards Jethra. Thank you. This is not a scrape. This is not a scrape.

There's evidence. Oh, no. I mean, they all come with evidence, but this one has that. That's the celebrity, filming at the Celebrity Center really is pretty damning. Like, why would you need to film there that is definitely not a space, like, and that was just an interior shot of a hotel room bedroom where they're like being all horny and stuff. Yeah, it could have been anywhere. Anywhere.

And so why would they film that there? Definitely, that leads me to believe at least some of the people behind the film are Scientologists. Yeah. Right, because also it was a different time. The late 90s, there was like not, there was no documentary about Scientology being, it was like, Just much more normal then, right? There was no missing woman. Everyone's trying to find out where she is now.

Yeah, there was none of that. Dude. And I believe. I, I 100% believe. Same. Yeah. Thank you, Jethro. Wow.

Eye opener. Love you. I'll send you, maybe I'll send you guys the flyer picture because it's so funny. It's so corny looking. But anyways, it's great. Please do. Thank you, Jethro. Thank you, Jethro.

I believe as well. Yeah, we have to. But now it's. time for the list. Oh! Who's on the list? Jackie! Got to have that list.

Extremely questionable celebrity parenting practices. This first one really got me. Sean Penn wanted to name his son after his favorite food, which is steak. And I think that steak pen would be a great thing. Steak pen. That's especially even by celebrity baby standards, but the mother, Robin Wright, totally nicks the idea. and named the kid Hopper instead. Which also was a shitty name.

I was going to go with, I was going to go with Mignon McNeely. Yeah, there's so many words for steak. You don't have to just go a steak pen. Big cut pin. Yeah, right. You know, whatever. Oh, yeah.

Rib eye would be good. Ribide would be good. Oh, Ribai Zabrowski. Baby Ribbi. Yeah, I'm going to write that one down. Actress, Mayambialic, still breastfighter son at the age. of three and a half.

Whoa. She described it in detail in her book Beyond the Sling, a real life guide to raising confident, loving children, the attachment parenting way.

Yeah, attachment parenting. Attachment parenting is very, like, it's not even, because again, I'm not a parent, but it just sounds like that would slowly debilitatingly break down my individual sense of self. And I can't imagine

in doing that. And I'm not even talking about the breastfeeding. I'm talking about everything else. They're also like co-sleeping and all that stuff. And I think that that is just very challenging. And the idea of Lexi breastfeeding until it would be so uncomfortable, I think, after, you know, I mean, the CDC recommends doing it up to two years, I believe. And, you know, I think that.

Actually, which, or 18 months maybe, I think is actually what it is. But either way, that's a long-ass time even to be breastfeeding, much less three and a half wow and i think that like you know knowing that like lexie's experience was like lots of pumping and my experience also lots of pumping like i think like i of the friends that i know like i have one friend who like had a baby like right the beginning of the pandemic and and also lost her job right at the beginning of the pandemic and so she breastfed her kid for a lot you know she was like i'm home like i think she's still you know maybe still nursing like so it's like i think that there's people for whom they had an easy time breastfeeding, baby latched, it was not

stressful, and it just turned into a thing where I was just like, oh yeah, I keep going. So like, I get, I definitely get it. I definitely have friends who've breastfed well into two, you know, closer to three. And I used to be a little bit skeved out by it. I'm less so now. I feel like it's, right, as somebody who had a really hard experience with breastfeeding, like that the idea of going three and a half years is like a literal nightmare. But like, you know, So I, but maybe I like does all sorts of other weird shit. It's not, and even if you're sharing a bed, it's not, it's not any one of the things. And it's not even the attention.

It's all of them together. Yes. Right. It's like, but it's all, and it's her. It's just, it's just her. I actually, I've got a lot of problems. And again, I am not a parent, but I do have a lot of problems with the co-sleeping aspect because Tori Spelling co-s slept in a bed with her kids.

Now, it depends on, you know, of course when they're little, of course when they're sick. Of course, yes. But co-s slept with them when they were, 14, 13, 9, 8, and 4. And more importantly, how big is the bed? It's got to be the size of the room. How do you ever, and I'm sure you find a way to fuck your partner again, but like if you've got five kids co-sleeping in the bed,

how do you ever have sex again? You don't, you never do. Well, I have a friend who's like, after she had her kid, her husband was like, in my culture, we co-sleep, like, until the kid's, like, 10. And she was like, when will we have intimacy? Like, she was like, I just don't understand how that works. Because it's not just sex. It's not just sex.

It's intimacy. The end of the night, Lexi and I, like, we get into bed. We watch, are you the one? And we just chill. And, like, that would be completely taken away. Also, you forget about the part where, like, a four-year-old or whatever is going to go to bed early. Yeah.

And then your whole bedroom area is cut off. I mean, one of the main things, I was so excited to get Winnie into her own room for was just so that I could fucking go into my own bedroom and not have to tiptoe around and like just easily take a shower. Leave the light on and like watch, you know, Instagram videos with the sound on. Oh, yeah, I had nights where I was like,

damn, I can't even fold laundry tonight because it's in there and I don't want to, you know what I mean? It's just crazy. Like so. Totally. Yeah. It's again, it's one of those things where it's like, if it works for you,

and you know, I have close friends whose kids are two and three and still sleeping in the bed, and that's just what works for them. And so totally get it if it works for you. What works for me is having my own space in the night. And it's been 14. And five of them.

14-year-old got to have their own bed, I think. I think that we can do that. 14 is so wild. Like, how can you be that far into puberty and everything else? Yeah, we're talking post-pubescent at that point. And be, you know, because also I had like weird boner things happening. Sure. You know what you mean at that?

I don't know if it's a boy or a girl, but like, yeah, it's not a place. Oh, yeah. The horniness is, yeah, exactly. Either way, you're humping some kind of pillow or something. You must be to experiment with yourself. And that is an important thing for a young person to learn is also like, who am I when I am alone in my bed?

Like that is important for many ages to learn like what is my relationship with that. And what is fun to hump? Oh, man. Was I? Hard pillow. fun to hump or is the dresser fun to hump or you know my stuffed animals yeah yeah bathroom exactly you gotta go test everything out you literally got to break in the whole apartment or house or whatever you know what I mean you know welcome a freshman year high school you'll be learning

about what's fun to hunt oh yeah well there are other fun parenting choices like Megan Fox who moved to a different part of LA because her unborn baby told her to. She said, I feel like you receive messages from the child if you're open to it, she said, and added that the baby told her where it wanted to be raised. MJ, I just watched you roll your eyes

into next year. Oh, I invented nesting. I'm Megan Fox. Yeah, everybody wants to like have a nice house when they're pregnant and make a nice little space. It's fucking, it's biological, it's hormonal, whatever the the fun. You didn't invent, oh, but the baby told me to make a nice house.

Okay, Megan Fox. Sure, Megan Fox. And last one not least, actress Olivia Silverstone took baths together with her nine-year-old son. She said, my son and I take baths together in an interview. Apparently, it was one of the ways they dealt with the quarantine. Alicia Silverstone is out of her mind in every single way when it comes to parenting. She feeds her kid like a bird. There was just something else that came out about her that's weird about her and her son.

And I do try to reserve judgment here, but I am judging you, Alicia Silverstone. No, yeah, you judge. You can judge. that. You can judge the baby birding is a lot. The baby birding is a lot and like to soothe your nine-year-old to take basm again not a parent but I would assume that like I don't know like I'll hang out in there with you if she also says here she screams her son to sleep it's a new scream technique she just screams into his face just passes out that's another one Especially when, like, I've seen Alicia Silverstone in different interviews get really, like,

she doesn't want to be judged with how she raises her kid. Totally. And she also is like, I've seen often, like, taking offense to people being like, you should cut because they, Alicia Silverstone's son is, I think, 11 now and has long hair. And he didn't want it to be cut. And he shows, she's like, don't judge me and my parenting style if my kid doesn't want to cut his hair. He's not going to cut his hair. That I get like that. Yeah, don't judge a person and don't judge a child for the choices they make. But just some of it. And like, you know, I think there

was also coming out about people saying that like, like the child's been vegan his entire life and how like the nutrients wise, how that is not as good. I don't know anything about child nutrition, but that I would assume maybe it would be difficult. It would be difficult though, right? I've got good friends who raise their kids vegan and it's it's they're you know the kids probably better than my kids do so I feel like that you know feeding whatever but I will say that there was a story from five days ago where she is talking about introducing her son to clueless and she says he saw clueless when he was five 4,000 people came to see and I couldn't pass the experience up and he was so young and she said he was so he was so young and it's not appropriate I think for a five-year-old to watch that movie it's all about sex so I realized oops but at the time he loved it but what he really picked up on he tried to kiss me like the passionate kisses because that's what he saw in the movie so like this is listen Alicia Silverstone there is a way that that's not weird like there is of course five-year-old see whatever like you know kids see their parents kiss on the mouth and then they want to do like whatever

totally, again, not, no, people, I'm trying to defend you, Alicia Silverstone, but what you could do is just not talk about it that way. You could not talk about it that way in conjunction with talking about how you take baths with him. It's just too many things. It's like Maim Bialik. It's a lot. Any one of these one things might be fine, but why are you being so weird about your like increasingly older son? Like a nine-year-old and 11-year-old needs boundaries. And also, he probably doesn't want you talking. to the media five days ago, now he's 11, about how he passionately kissed you on the mouth when he was five. Could you imagine if he wants that before you say that to the media? Yeah. And it's just, I don't know if this is just because, like, I grew up in a home where we were very touchy fee. Same.

But even just all of it makes me be like, ah! Because I, like, I don't even, I don't even know a time when I held my mom's hand. Like, we're just not that. Holden I definitely have that in common. I was like, we're just not. We don't touch. And so thinking about that makes me, like my heart curdle. But you are correct, MJ.

And I don't think that I like it. Yeah. I don't think I like it. Not that you're correct. I don't think I like. But as we also get to admit, we lament maybe the lack of intimacy in our growing up. Oh, therapy.

Holden goes to therapy now. Now we're all in therapy, baby. I got a derby. You guys did a good job, but it's a lot of stuff to talk about. You find where you're comfortable in the middle. Oh, yeah. There you go.

Well, have you ready for some grapefruit, boot scoot, sexy blind items. Oh, my God. I think I'm going. Blind items. Oh, you can't see them. It really is a boot scoop grapefruit. It is some sex ones for you guys.

And a normal one. Also, long-winded blind. So let's get into. to it. Number one, this one's titled. Every so often, some celebrity will say they slept with so-and-so number of people. It is usually a number that is very high

and seems completely unrealistic. Wilts Chamberlain was famous for his claim that he slept with over 10,000 women. That seems high, but he said that included nights where he would be in bed with four or five women at a time. Is that the record for a celebrity? I can tell you the actor who probably is in first place. He is in first place to see.

despite being married for a very long time. He is foreign-born. I'll even say he's British. He is an Oscar winner slash nominee. At one point, he was A-plus list. He is also a knight. He has not discussed this in many years, but when he first hit his peak,

he bragged about spending every penny he made on sleeping with escorts. He only wanted to sleep with women. He paid. He didn't want to sleep with fans. He wanted pay for play. He said that at one point, he was sleeping with two or three escorts

a day seven days a week. He did this for at least a decade. That would work out to nearly 10,000. After that decade or so, he really didn't discuss it any longer, but one has to assume it continued, right? That would make him the record holder. I think this is why Henry hates him.

It has to be Eddie Redmayne. Can you imagine? I know, I know what's up. You imagine if this was about any Redmayne? We're like, wow. My God. He's much older, distinguished. In McGillen?

No. If you say his name in a certain way. Michael Coyne. Yes. It's Michael Cain. Michael Cain. Michael Cain. That was about to say.

If you say his name in a certain way, it sounds like drugs. Yeah. Michael Coyne. I can see it. Good for him. I can kind of see it as well. I could totally see it. What was the one that Jude Lorry did?

It's called like Alfie. Was he hot when he was young? Yeah. He was really hot. I think you don't throw it out there? Still, I think he's still slang in it. I think I'm just getting older and he's getting older and I'm fine with it. Oh, well, he's definitely got it in his claws.

He has to show his dog at some point. Oh, yeah. Joe Mangonello and Barry, by the way. So I don't know if you guys watch Barry, but Joe Mangonello has been in the last couple of episodes and not Joe Manganoa. Oh my God, Joe Montagna. And he is hot as shit. Of course, Joe Mangano is hot shit.

But Joe Montagna, who is, he must be in his 60s or his 70s. He looks. I think, I guess I am just getting older because I think that maybe 10 years ago me would be like, Jackie, he's an old man. But yeah, he's an old man. He's got a lot of experience. Beautiful stuff.

This one is much shorter, but I have another long-winded one. This one's short and has nothing to do with sex, and then the next one is long-winded. Again, has to do with sex. It is going to be a very long year for the person who decides who the host is for the Oscars. Right now, this far out, the frontrunner, is the late-night actor who is leaving

said late-night show. James Corden? James fucking Corden? No, different late-night show. Okay, good. Jimmy. Camel? No. Duh. Maybe a little different kind of late-night show than you're thinking. It is a late-night show, and a big announcement came out this past week about a couple people leaving the show. Oh, Saturday Live? Yes. Warren Michaels? Pete Davidson? No, who's leaving the show? Yes, Pete Davidson. Well, so is it. 80 Brian and Kate McKinnon. Yeah, for sure. But yeah.

What do you think about that? I guess it's fine. Is he host the Oscars? Yeah, that would be fun. Yeah, I'm fine with that. It's just so interesting because, again, we were so worried about the drama around him and there being an award show, her fluffle.

Yeah. So it's just very funny that now he would be in talks to host. But yes, it is going to be a very long year for the person who decides who the host is. I mean, what are they going to do? Oh, my God. Next year's Askers is going to be so weird. I'd be please have it. Dude, if they could get Rock and Will Smith to do it. How fucking incredible.

Oh my God, Jesus. How incredible would that be? It's not going to happen though. But that'd be fun. Definitely. All right. Final blind. Get the popcorn now. I'm ready. It's a doozy. There is a television actor who is A-list. If you don't watch his show, you would probably still know who he is. The show made him a big star with a group that is more Gen Z than millennial. He trolls through their social media pages. and sinks the hook when he gets the right combination. Whether he is filming in Vancouver or home in Los Angeles, he picks women from neither of those cities. He likes women who have a job where they have to be in an office rather than work from home.

He then tells them he would love to see them and makes them pay to fly to come see him. Makes them pay? He brings them on set if in Vancouver or to a hotel if he is home in Los Angeles. He then has sex with them and sends them on their way. No dinner, no lunch, no, nothing. On set, he says he has to head back to work and we'll see them at their hotel that night

but won't show up. In Los Angeles, he gets a text and says he has to run to a meeting with his agent, but he will be right back, which he doesn't go back. He knows they have a job and have to leave, so doesn't have to worry about them hanging around whatever city that long looking for him. Who is this man? Cole Spruce. Absolutely. I was, I was struggling. I was like, I was really hoping it was because if it wasn't, Gold Spouse, I had no idea of who it was going to be. That makes a lot of sense.

And it is, you know, we just did Riverdale Roundup and they, you know, there might be a new kissing partner on the horizon, hopefully. But everything I hear about him is, when it comes to relationships, is kind of shitty. Yeah, but why do I want to root for him so much? I don't even want to kiss him.

I just want him. It's because he's a little smart boy. He's just a little proud smart boy and I want him to. He's just, and I think that he is aware of himself, which makes this kind of action that much more insufferable. Like if he had no idea, you know, it's like then I feel like, okay, well at least like he's just a little idiot. Yeah. But he's not.

So I think that's why it does bother me of like, you know exactly what you're fucking doing. Yeah. Right. Yeah, I don't want him to be a bad boy. No, I don't want him to be a bad boy. And I want him to be a good boy and be back with Lily Reinhard, but we can't have it all. And she needs to go be her amazing self and go take care of herself. Well, there you have it.

The blind eyes. I love Lily Reinhardt. He can see again. He can see. And man, I am, yeah, I just, I can't with the Colesbrows. I feel, I don't know how, I wonder what he's going to do after Riverdale is done. Right. Is he going to just take a break and not go back?

Because I could imagine that he would. I think that's what I like about him. Like that he doesn't try to be like a big famous guy. He's like, I stepped back. The industry's fucked up. And then I went back for this project that I for some reason really believed in. And then I'll probably just step away again. Like I like that about him.

But yeah, he needs to. Well, yeah. And then this is what happens. Then it's like, all right, I'm going to step away. And then I'm going to like try to do this whole career shift. And then eventually they always come back to the thing that made them huge in the first place. and that's when we're going to get old person, Riverdale, which you guys will get to commentate on about.

I want to give it five years, but I think it's going to be like three years. No, don't. Why are you plaking us right now? I feel like you're like in thinner. Thinner. Tis a curse. Thank you guys so much for joining us this week.

This was, what a delight. And we barely talked about the Kardashian wedding, and I'm very proud of us. The veil had a thing. a picture of a Mary on it it did yeah and it was it was an homage to Travis Barker's

head tattoo so you know I think that that is I think they're going the distance I can't wait you know she's going to start popping out more kids because she can and we will watch this unfold as it goes on third wedding though you imagine I can't I barely can plan the one

yeah but that's just me Thank you guys so much for joining us this week. My name is Jackie Zabrowski, and you can follow me on Instagram at Jack That Worm. You could also hit up our TikTok. Man, I did a great tutorial all the way through my 23-year-old Honda CRV. I love that. It is, man, I am the I am above the content. I am just like the youngs.

And you can come see how young I am in real time over on Twitch. dot TV forward slash, oh no, it's Jackie, where we hang out on Tuesdays and we talk about sex, and we hang out on Sundays, we try to have sex with daddies. So it's a very non-judgmental space. Come join us in other monster fuckers like me. Hell yeah. Check me out. Twitch.tv.4 slash Holdenators ho. Streaming Monday, Tuesday, Friday. Stream with Jackie on for most Fridays. So check us out on that. Twitch.tv.tv.4.Holdenators ho. And check out that Patreon. Patreon.com forward slash page 7 podcast weekly bonus episodes coming at you, hitting you in the face for just $5 a month,

for $10 a month. Join us for the Jersey Shore watch along every Thursday. It's so much fun. We drink, we smoke, we be merry while we watch Jersey Shore the best. And also that email, page 7 podcast at gmail.com, page the numeral 7 podcast at gmail.com. Hit me with your conspiracy theories. Hit me with, hit us with the shoutouts, all that good stuff. always check it.

Thank you so much. M.J. My name is M.J. And I'm MJKL Kat on Instagram. And it's time for the shout outs. Ready to sing. Shout. Shout.

Let it all out. These are the emails that you wrote it about. Come out. We're going to read them to you. And before Jackie takes it away with the rest of the shoutouts, here's one. This is what comes from there. says, hello, hello, if you get a chance in our willing, my baby, Rachel Swindog,

not her real last name, could really use an old-fashioned ho from the lizard king himself. Please give yourselves big hugs from me, a complete stranger, X-O-X-X-O-Lia. So to you, Rachel, I say Holdenators, ho! Thank you so much.

Take it away, Jackie. Ah, we have so much to celebrate today. Thank you guys so much for sending in your shout-outs and you can send in your shoutouts to page 7podcast at gmail.com. That is page 7 podcast 7 the number at gmail.com. Because I love hearing from you guys. And I loved hearing from Katie because fuck yes, Katie.

This is an urgent shoutout. And I am so damn proud of you. Katie says I wanted to send myself a shout out because I just turned in my last assignment for grad school. Oh my God. I bet MJ can't wait to say the same sentence. Katie says it's been a long and definitely challenging last three years working toward my master of social work degree during the pandemic. And listening to you guys every week has helped me make it all the way through.

You three are a light in so many people's lives. You stop, Katie, and you've helped me maintain my own sanity over the last several years. I feel a little silly sending in my own chatter. How dare you? But fuck it. I'm really proud of myself and I'm really proud of myself, and I'm so proud of you, Katie. Hell yeah, what a dang journey.

Yeah, good for you, baby. Much love to you, and, oh, so happy for you for finishing. And, oh, my God. Mary, thank you so much for your kind words. And especially, oh, thank you for the love to Gloria. I pass it along, and she couldn't be happier. She's just honking her goose downstairs. I can hear her.

Yes, she honks her goose. She doesn't honk her beak. Mary is amazing, and they sent it a shout out to their husband, Ethan, because it's Ethan's birthday. Mary says, I want to write in today to wish my husband, Ethan, a very happy birthday. His birthday is May 23rd. This sweet Gemini man has blessed my life in more ways than words can adequately describe. But I'll give it a good try anyway. Ethan is steadfast and puts his all into everything he does.

He is a sense of humor that is unmatched. Move over, Henry. Uh-oh, Mary! And always has something to bring to the conversation. He is so empathetic and thoughtful, both in relationships with friends and also in raising our children. I love it! When I say I hit the jackpot, that is a huge understatement. Oh, my God!

Happy birthday and cheers to many years of adventure ahead. Oh, I love your love. Happy birthday, Ethan, and oh, congrats, merry get at. And speaking of so much thanks, Chloe the Payne has written in again, you will remember Chloe the Payne, who wrote in about the supernatural conspiracy theory that we both, that both, all three of us were absolutely obsessed with.

I was thinking of MJ and I as if Holden was presenting it to us, like he is our teacher, or I guess Jedi, uh-oh, Star Wars girl. Chloe, thank you so much for sending in such a beautiful letter, and for just talking about all of the amazing, fucking amazing change you are doing in your life. I am so proud of you. I can't read all of it on the show, but I just wanted to say I read it and thank you so much. And Chloe did say, but in the off chance you do read this on the podcast, a big loving hello. To anyone out there who is listening to this while going through big changes in their life,

Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to imagine the future version of you who might look back in one or two or ten years and be so grateful to present day you who kept going and got to a better place. And for anyone who gets entertainment or inspiration out of watching a basket case doing their best, I got you. I'm Chloe. My pronouns are they them. And I'm actually the Tumblr fan who wrote it about the supernatural conspiracy theory. at Chloe the Payne, C-H-L-O-E, the P-A-Y-N-E on all socials. And my YouTube channel, in particular, I'm kind of leaning into a creative identity crisis and just making the kind of content I like to watch.

Music, makeup, declutters, vlogs. I think I might end up falling flat on my face. Don't say that with these new ideas, but I'm having a lot of fun trying it out. We'll see where it goes. Who knows? And isn't that the best part? We started LPN with the who knows attitude. if you just, but then it's just the years and years of like,

am I doing anything? Is anything going to happen from it? It will. You just got to keep going and wait for the time to come to you because it will. Thank you so much, Chloe, for sending in the beautiful words of inspiration, and I'm feeling inspired. And Zozabelle wrote in, I just got to say, Zosabelle, this is a great idea. Don't you worry, Zoe is sending a shout out to their brother and new sister-in-law. and congratulations on your nubs. Zoe says,

this is Zoe once again coming at you with a shout-up for my badass bro-bro-brough Ian and his lovely wife, Tessa. I'm a bad sister. No, you're not. We've all been here, and my broke ass never got them an actual wedding present when they got married this year. They deserve something awesome for being such an amazing people and couple in general

and for being such wonderful parents to my beautiful niece. All of us being avid, die-hard fans of the LPN, I know they will literally shriek with delight to your Jackie's dulcet tones, wishing them a very hearty congratulations on my behalf, both for their nuptials and also for the new sweet baby girl do later this year. Ah, congratulations. Tell them Zoe loves you guys so much, and I'm so grateful to my brother for giving me a sister-in-law as fabulous as Tessa.

Oh my God, Zoe, isn't it the best? I also have an amazing sister-in-law. I think you know her. And Tessa, thank you for loving Ian the way he deserves. and for being so kind as to procreate with him, thus granting my kids badass cousins to grow up with. I'm so lucky to have you guys for family. I couldn't have asked for anyone better.

Oh, Zoe, thank you for writing in. And congratulations to Ian and Tessa for multiple things. This is your year. Go out and get it. But also please tell me that the planning will be over soon, and then it'll be over soon, and then I'll ever think about it again, right? My dearest TJ, of course I will send a shout out to your cousin Molly.

DJ says I would love to get a special shout out to my cousin Molly who loves this podcast and adores all of you just as much as I do. Molly turned 30. Oh, dirty 30 very recently. It's kind of a big deal and she doesn't really like to be fussed over. But here we go to Molly. Because you reminded me to watch the April real stream, which made me cry and text you endlessly. payback's a bitch. Jackie, if you can please tell my dear Molly that I love her. I'm so proud of her. And I've never seen her as just my cousin, but my sister. Molly, your compassion and empathy for people is unmatched in my opinion.

You're effortlessly cool and you don't even know it. Love you to no end. Oh, do you hear I put on my serious voice. That's my serious April Reel's voice. Thank you so much, DJ. And oh, happy birthday, Molly. I'm fussing to fuss, fuss, fuss. And Amanda, you're going to make me bring out the Kleenex, damn it. And it's another one for me. You make me feel so bash. I'm being a bash over here.

Amanda says, grab those Kleenex, because you may need them, and I'm sorry. How many times have I said that before making someone cry? Just have a tissue. I'm sorry because I'm going to cry, and that means you're going to cry.

I've been trying to come up with the words to say how proud I am of how far you've come for a while, and damn if Catherine didn't nail it perfectly. I've been listening to Roundtable, R-I-P-K-B, when I run out of my normal rotation of podcasts, and it truly is amazing to see how much you've changed over the years. Hearing you talk badly about yourself

or generally having a crappy outlook on something makes you want to be able to reach out through time and say, oh, you just wait, girl! Things are going to get so much better, and you're going to be so happy, hang in there. Now, Amanda, I just wanted to say that I wanted to read this shout-out because I feel like everyone needs to hear this as well, that whenever we're talking,

we're going through a bad time, and we're just talking about how it's never going to get better, is that please look to this experience, like, you can literally hear someone transform over time, which means little by little you will too if you put the work in and say, I will not be unhappy. I'm not going to maintain my unhappiness. I need to choose to be happy to manifest,

I'm becoming a cult leader right now. Manifest positivity and happiness in your life. That's when she became a cult leader. But Amanda continues on saying in an odd way, it gives me hope for myself that when I'm feeling bitter towards everything and like nothing is ever going to get better, I can listen to the old you, then the you you've become,

and tell myself it definitely will get better, and not to be so hard on myself. And that's something else I struggle with. Sorry if I made you cry again. but it really is amazing to see how much you've grown proud of you and I'm proud of you too Amanda thank you so much for taking the time to write in I cried when I read it um about 20 minutes ago and I will say and I'm like don't you're not going to end the podcast crying again you won't do it and I didn't do it well they're in my eyes but you can't hear them in my voice

which means they didn't go over the waterfall I love you guys so much I hope you have an amazing week and we'll be back next week this show is made possible by listeners like Thank you. Thanks to our ad sponsors. You can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to lastpodcastnetwork.com.