Page 7 - Ep. 473: 'Tis the Damn Season

Episode Date: December 1, 2022

This week we're gossin' 'bout the CSCU (Christmas Shoes Cinematic Universe), the many ways Elizabeth Chan can go to Hell, the upcoming Miley and Dolly Parton NYE Special, what color Mariah Carey's dress at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, a revisit of Friends with Christmas, Candace Cameron Bure leaving Hallmark to make even worse movies, and in Celebrity Conspiracy Corner;  Dwayne the Rock Johnson? More like Dwayne "Piss Bottle" Johnson! the List, Blindz, and SHOUTZ Page 7 and Wizard and the Bruiser are going on TOUR! Dates and links to tickets at lastpodcastnetwork.com Want even more Page 7? Support us on Patreon! Patreon.com/Page7Podcast Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hi, I'm Jackie Zabrowski. And I'm MJ. And I'm Holden from the page 7 podcast, and we're going on tour! That's right, we're touring all up in this mother freaking country. I'm fake cursing so whatever, Jackie. Just say the filthy F word already. And we will say the filthy F word when we come to your town. That's right.

We're coming to Texas, the Midwest, the Northeast, and then right back here in Cali, baby. For ticket links and more details, visit lastpodcastnetwork.com. That's right. Lastpodcastnetwork.com. Page 7 and Wizard and the Bruiser present. Release the butthole cut. Wait, that's really what we're calling the tour? Absolutely.

Release the butthole cut. For more information, go to lastpodcast network.com. For the Christmas. Sir, I want to buy these shoes. It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her side. Just her side. Could you hurt? Addie says there's not much time.

She's going to die. She's been sick for quite a while And I know these shoes and make a smile And I wanted to look beautiful If Mama meets Jesus tonight Very inappropriate way to start the show But you know what? It's all about the Christmas shoes

Gotta make sure that Mama is tap, tap, tap, tap dancing Into the afterlife for Christmas. Tap dance for Jesus, Mommy. What do you think? the Christmas shoes look like in your head do they have bells on them? Because I see these really gaudy, obscene elf shoes. Yeah, yeah.

These like bells all over. They're very loud. Yes, yes. The shoes that belong to the wicked west of the East, right? Yeah, except but more holiday themes. Yeah, a little more. Honestly, thinking of more of, remember the like the dance, like the actual like the dance shoes

that you would wear for a dance class, but like a theater dance class? Oh, The one where there's like the big gap in the middle of it. That's what I really, so when I say Mama's tap dancing for Jesus. I kind of feel like Mama does come and does a little soft shoe. There's a little bit of a soft shoe and then dies. And this is all in the same in your head cinematic universe as butterfly kisses, right?

Oh, of course. It all is the same people. It's the same characters. I, you go ahead, try and tell me that new song did not sing butterfly kisses because isn't it all the same? That same daddy that's telling the baby that he's got to get the shoes for mommy Yeah. Is definitely the same daddy that is getting his eyeballs way too close to baby girl's eyeballs?

Oh, we got to replace Mommy with something. I mean, oh no. Mommy was quickly be replaced. This is what I always get hung up on with Christmas shoes. It is an adult child at the department store talking to the shoes. No, not an adult child. Like his mom, right? Yes.

You haven't seen the music video? M.J. Wait, hold on. MJ, we're just discovering this. You are completely unclear on the exact dynamic of the song that's been sung over and over. How many years has this song been a part of your life? I want to buy the shoes for my mama. He's not an adult.

He's a child, child. Okay, fair enough. That doesn't really change things to me. You're telling me that a child, that makes it worse, honestly, is alone at the department store on Christmas while his mother is dying in the hospital. Rather than being in the bedside,

he is harassing the retail worker at the department store to what is even the conversation? If you want to buy the shoes, just buy them. Like, why are we talking about it? He doesn't have enough money. He goes up. He's all he's dirty from head to toe.

And he goes up and he's got these shoes and he takes out like two pence and he's just like, oh no. And so in the music video, which is horrible. You see this. You see this. physically dirty child holding the shoes and being like, oh no, not enough money. And so the guy behind him in line is like, why don't I, like he gets in the Christmas mood. And then the child looks at him and says, sir, I want to buy these shoes.

Oh, my mama, please. It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just their size. But in the end, he's just talking to some man. He's not talking to the retail worker. No, he's not even talking to the worker. But that's why in the end of the song, there is a coral, a. a child's choral version of it where it goes, sir, I want to buy these shoes.

For my mama, please. And I guess they're angels. Are the angels singing the song? I don't know. Are the kids dead? Because it sounds like they're dead. It's just like Pat Benetatars, we belong, where the chorus of children come in at the end,

inexplicably. Yes. And who is, so who's the horny dad in this scenario? Is it the father in this scenario, or does the boy grow up to want to give his own daughter? or a bunch of kisses. Yeah, butterfly kisses. Because his mama died so young.

Right. Could be that. Could be that. Oh, God. I can't believe, yeah, I think I'm realizing that if I've seen the music video, it must have been a decade ago watching it with you when we were recording this show, wasted probably. Maybe that happened, maybe not.

My only knowledge of this song comes from you. I never heard it before I met you. I've never heard it outside of the context of either physically or electronically being with you. Some say it doesn't exist if Jackie doesn't exist. Even if she were to die today, our memory of the song would go away. We would go away.

It's like it never happened. I am the Santa Claus of Christmas shoes. It's like the bell of the Polar Express. Yes. It only rings if you believe in Santa. You can only hear Christmas shoes if Jackie is singing it. One might say Jackie is the queen of Christmas shoes. Oh, the queen of Christmas shoes.

Trade Market, baby. Elizabeth Chan, go to hell. Can we just out the gate? This bitch comes in here to be like, oh, I'm saving everyone from Mariah Carey because Mariah Carey could never be the queen of fucking Christmas. She's the queen of Christmas. She's the queen of Christmas. I've said it before.

I'm not going to argue. Yeah. I'm going to say it again. Poor Elizabeth Chan, not because I sympathize with, not because I side with her, but because did you not know who you were taking on Elizabeth Chan? you are just some lady who exclusively sings Christmas songs, originals. No one wants original Christmas songs all year round. Nobody wants that. Nobody wants you.

Nobody wants you to come for Mariah Carey. I only say poor Elizabeth Chan because she has just, it is a real come at the king, best not miss moment and she has missed. But legally, she has not missed because Mariah Carey is not officially the queen of Christmas in the patent pending type of way, right? She is not allowed to trademark the name Queen of Christmas. It also includes that Mariah Carey cannot trademark the title's QOC or Princess of Christmas either. What?

Those bastards. All monarchy of Christmas is forbidden? Elizabeth Chan, who has put out 12 albums of Christmas music to date, has also used the title Princess of Christmas as a nickname for her daughter and sometimes collaborator, Noel. Oh my God, her child's name is Del well. No, see, this is the thing, is that Elizabeth Chan raises up her children, unlike Mariah Carey, who pushes her children behind her so that she can raise up. And I say, God bless it. Elizabeth Chan, absolutely a hero.

As she said in her own words, I've dedicated my life to understanding to this understanding of how special Christmas is. It was difficult to be the one to stand up. Christmas is a season of giving Not the season of taking, Jackie And it is wrong for an individual To attempt to own and monopolize a nickname Like Queen of Christmas For the purposes of abject materialism

As an independent artist and light drums Can kind of come in at this point As an independent artist and small business owner My life's work is to bring people together For the holiday season Which is how I came to be called the Queen of Christmas I swear I wear that title as a badge of a honor And with full knowledge that it will be

and should be bestowed on others in the future. My goal in taking on this fight was to stand up to trademark bullying, not just to protect myself, but also to protect future queens of Christmas. I love to suck Santa's dick.

Elizabeth Chan is picturing herself as the little rubber boy like, she's Jesus. I was going to say she was the Jesus of Christmas, but Christmas already has a Jesus Jesus. It's Jesus Christ. She thinks she is She either think she's the Jesus of Christmas

Or she thinks she's the little drummer boy Like I have nothing I only have my little drum Shall I play for you? Yes That's exactly what she's doing Yeah She should trademark the little drummer

Princess Because that's what she is She's just some lady Who is that little boy Talk about You know Interrogating the texts of Christmas songs Who is this boy?

He just comes and plays a drum For the baby You know That's fine now Elizabeth Chan is just some lady who wants to sing Christmas songs all month and has made a feud of the biggest diva of all the time. Yeah, by the way, I'm pretty sure if right after I went through the whole birthing process, some little boy came in with a drum, I'd fucking punch him out of the room.

Yeah, the things they do for the baby Jesus are baffling. How rude and bizarre, I'd be like, this baby needs to sleep, I'm exhausted. My wife fucking a whole bullshit got ripped in half. Can we fucking not, kind of with the drums? child. Well, in this scenario, though, Holden, you are Joseph, so you're not really the baby's father. You're just Yeah, you're the cuck. But I changed my name.

You're the Christmas cuck, right? Isn't that or what it's about? Joseph is the Christmas cuck. But come on. If you saw God, fuck your signature. Oh, if you're like, go God. Go God. Get a guy. Put it in up. Fill it up. She's just like, oh. Joseph was cool about it. Yeah. Joseph was cool about it.

Joseph was super cool about it. Yeah, he was the first cuck, huh? That's interesting. I wish Elizabeth Chan could be as cool about all of this as Dolly fucking Parton is, which weeks ago, when asked if Dolly Parton was the Queen of Christmas, and she immediately was like, no, it's

Mariah, I love her, you think of Christmas, you think of Mariah, I'm happy to be a second in line to her. Dolly Parton says that she is second in line to Mariah Carey as the Queen of Christmas. Elizabeth Chan, Noel. Can't believe her kids' name is Noel. That's really upsetting.

I've, any, any sympathy I had for her moments ago was gone upon a little. I mean, to be either. Yes, bring her down. To be either Elizabeth Chan or Mariah Carey's kids around this time, so much pressure. I just feel like to make, you know, you already, Jackie, you can speak towards this, and you don't have a celebrity who's made mother who's made their entire identity about Christmas. I mean, the pressure for it to be the perfect holiday. He's already rough.

Yeah. You imagine what it's like for old Elizabeth's. old Noel Chan. No, I don't know, man. Noel's never going to be good enough, especially when referred to as my sometimes collaborator, because Noel's going to fucking grow up,

Elizabeth Chan, she's going to hate you. She's going to do the like, yeah, I hate Christmas mom! I just like slam the door at one point. Or, oh, wouldn't it be great, Mazel?

Maybe she converts to Judy. I was going to say, maybe she converts. She's like, in this home, but we don't put up Christmas decorations. Honestly, I want to see this movie. I mean, it is very hallmarking movie for Elizabeth Chan to cast herself. I love how she's like, I'm a small business.

I mean, I do think it's kind of funny that she's like, Mariah Carey represents capitalism and greed. And I represent independent small business. There's a picture of her on the set of the morning show. Good morning America. Yeah, Good Morning America. Like, you're not a small business. You're a big business.

Yes. For sure. And you're still not as good as the, you know, many other people out there who's made their identity in Christmas. I will say too, though, Dolly Parton, maybe not the Queen of Christmas, might be the Queen of New Year's. Pretty excited for her. Oh my God, with the Miley Cyrus, Dolly Parton show. Apparently, too, in the blind.

I didn't pull this blind, but apparently, yeah, there was some beef between Miley and Pete Davidson, which kind of makes sense because of the weird stuff with her saying stuff while he was with Kim and kind of hitting on him a lot and stuff. So, yeah, he was replaced with Dolly, which is kind of fun. Which, how great is that? That's great. Well, and also, we've all seen them sing Jolene together. all want more. Like, that's honestly, I think Dolly Parton brings out the best at Miley Cyrus. And we need more collaborations with Miley and older artists and less collaborations with her and people like Robin Thick. Yes, right. Honestly, like what Lady Gaga's doing, like was like doing stuff with Tony Bennett and stuff like that.

Yeah. The old school stuff. And I think that doing that, I think that singing and performing with Dali Parton is a very smart move for Miley Cyrus. And now I wasn't going to watch it before. But now I'm going to have it on at least in the background because it's Miley Cyrus and Dolly fucking part. And just normalizing working with olds because at first I'm like olds, ew, gross, I'm going to throw up until they die. They're dying in the hospital and they've got those yucky shoes on. And I'm at the shoe store and I'm like, by the way,

if we're going to bring it back to that, if she's laid out in the hospital bed, I think the last thing she actually needs is shoes. She needs like comfortable socks. She needs her son sitting with her. Leave the store. Yeah, don't be in the store.

shoes is the last thing she needs. She's water and blankets. Why is it like a Christmas blanket or something to warm her in bed? She's probably not even going to walk another day in her fucking life or outside of the hospital. Do you know how expensive funerals are? My mom brings it up all the time. Don't worry there's what paid for. You think it was a giant chew? Do you think it's the coffee isn't huge? Christmas is the season where your parents take you aside and tell you where all the paperwork is for what they're at. Yes. Yeah. just unbelievable this child. I just felt so seeing MJ.

It was like, oh my God, yes. Every Christmas, it's like, Merry Christmas, welcome home, come here. I need to show you some important documents for my God. Except when you get to the age that I did straight up. So my mom has these, there's like 40 of them, these reindeer, I guess they were like a hallmark exclusive in the late 80s or into the early 90s.

And there are these reindeer that have these big beanbag feet. and they all have little personalities like all their faces are a little different and all their antlers are a little different and I'm obsessed with them and I did call my mom and was like, hey mom I know like I generally don't like to talk about these things but when you die can I have the reindeer

oh my god yes of course you know of course take all to a reindeer you could have them now I don't want them now I'm just saying like I just want of all of the things that is what the only thing I've actually put my claim on is I want all of Well, I'm glad we found the name of your dying

mom Christmas song. It's called Beanbag feet. And you'll sing it. Beemag feet, go to moon, Mama face. They are your breasts, mama. We're going to work on the melody a little bit. But I like the lyric. You like where I'm going on it? There's something very plotting about that melody.

Well, it's going to be a dirge, right? Like, if I'm going to sing it at the funeral. We're going to do a dirge. It'll be a funeral dirge. every Christmas will sing it. A funeral third's Christmas song. Oh, that's cute. But wait, I need to know you guys watched the parade together.

Yeah. And I need to know what how you guys think Mariah Carey did in closing out the parade. I was going to give this. Yeah, me too. I'm going to clap. Well, I'm in a full disclosure. I was actually, this year, I got actually pretty kind of blackout by the end of the stream. I'm not really sure. Do you really black out? Dude, I crack.

Lex was so upset with me. I like as soon as it was done I just got to bed and slept for five hours I was so I was so jacked up I just that's it snuck up I didn't eat enough I think I only had like a banana That's why I make sure I put the carbs in me

I eat first I needed to eat a lot more and I just like didn't do it And so I don't remember Mariah's performance To be quite honest with you You were very into it as we watched it I'll say good yeah okay I'm just glad I didn't say any

I didn't like make a say anything mean to a chat member or anything like that. No, no, you were very good. It was a good spirit. It's very good. I wasn't just like, you're all liars. No, no. You're all idiots. You were very excited for, I think you almost cried.

What? I think we're not going to go into that. That's amazing. But I was informed after the fact when I told this to my Twitch committee, they said it was something to not remember the performance. Yeah. Whoa. I mean, I saw it.

I don't remember either, but I was sober. So I don't think we need to go that far. I think that I don't know. I throw my hands up. I was not aware. So let's just say, all right. So Mariah Carey, she is standing. It looks like she is strapped to something so that she can't move, like how they hold

up a doll. Like it looks like something's around her waist to hold her up. It's giving like how we know that poor Judy Garland was like propped up like in all these performances at the end of her life. Like that's what Mariah Carey looked like. But not in like, oh, this is, are you drugged way? just in like you don't even have the energy to try. No, my favorite part is that instead of having her other hand free,

so at least she could emote with that, she held a parasol, even though it was not snowing, it was not raining, there was no need. And I'm not saying, don't even wrong, I'm here for a fashion parasol, but I do, it did seem like she was holding it as an excuse to not have to move or move her hand and sing with her hand at all. Yeah, the parasol, an interesting choice for sure.

Sure. I mean, do you think it was, yeah. Apparently it was made by some cool New Orleans artists, which like I think that's really cool. But the main question I had, and this was a big debate in our family on Thanksgiving Day, is that you've got all these nutcrackers that are dancing around her. They're all wearing red. And for some reason, Mariah Carey is wearing hot pink. And the hot pink dress does not match with anything. And on top of that, Natalie and I got into an argument with Henry and Jeff because Henry and Jeff insist that the pink is actually cranberry.

It's not a pink dress. It's a cranberry dress. And that is because through the eye of the lens of the camera, it looks more pink. And I pulled up the picture. It's like, this is a pink dress. Don't you like back in the day, me, me of like, oh, what color is the dress? The dress is pink. It's hot pink.

It's not cranberry! I refuse to disagree with your stance. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. I would not call that cranberry. It's not cranberry. I wouldn't call it cranberry.

We thought about it for a while for minutes. No, especially when you see it. If you saw, okay, look, you can look at a picture of only Mariah Carey where you can't see any other colors. And you might say, oh, sure, that looks a little red. And then the problem is when you zoom out and you see her, as you pointed out, Jackie, next to all the nutcrackers dressed in red. you see that it is very, very not matchy with the red,

nor with the giant red backdrop on Macy's behind it. Wait, wait. It looks so weird. I just looked up cranberry, just the color palette, and it's a much, it's more like your wedding colors of anything. It's more maroon-sided.

It's not bright. It's not like pink is pink. You know what I mean? Yes. There's a lot of words that you could use to describe that dress, but cranberry's not one of them. Kramer is not one of them. And I think it's mad respect that she doesn't move at all.

She's like, I am a diva. I am here. She doesn't even try to match the lip syncing. She doesn't even try. She doesn't sing the back tracking of it. She doesn't do it. But at some point, her children are shoved into the green boxes behind her. Are those who are children in the way background?

Far away. Far away behind the background. They were shoved into these little boxes. And then they have to jump out. And they dance behind her, Elizabeth Chan. They dance behind her where children belong. Behind the star. They don't belong in front of the star.

They don't belong in front of the star. They don't belong behind the star in a box. Standing behind my mama. Standing behind and supporting. That's like the name of the memoir, I think. Standing behind mom. I love it. I love that she is using her children to be like,

see, don't you see, I enjoy having my children around. She just enjoys having her children around behind her and inside of a box. I mean, I'm torn because on the one hand, I actually like don't think that celebrities should like put their children in the spotlight. But on the other hand, it's so clearly, it's not like she's like, oh, they are in the background because I'm like protecting their identity the way that like Beyonce does with blue ivy or whatever. No, it's just like I need to be center stage. They can be, you know, literally they cannot upstage me. She is it, though. I like that she just owns that about herself.

I really do. And I love that she has a crown on, even though she can't legally be called the queen of Christmas. But she's wearing a motherfucking crown. Elizabeth, she just wanted to sell some fucking candles with the queen of Christmas lot. You know what I mean? It's just, that's all she wanted to do, by the way.

That's all Christmas is, okay? Yeah. That's the reason for the season. It's capitalism. It's about magic. It's about ordering a pumpkin drink. Sure, it's about falling in love. Yes.

I've watched enough Hallmark movies. Yes, it's also about falling in love. And it's about the Christmas in love. Who actually falls in love during Christmas, though? That's actually the most loveless time of the year, I would say. Is it love? Holden, a conversation that predated you that we discovered a concept back when Marcus was still hosting the show called Friends with Christmas. Yes, yes.

It's my dream. Analogous to Friends with Benefits. And so basically the only time you fall in love at Christmas, and I don't really think this has ever happened to anyone, but the only kind of scenario, and it really also applies to people in their 20s, maybe more than in their 30s. But it's when you're going back home, maybe still in your 30s,

you're going back home and you're going to the bar. Divorced ones. Yes, no divorced ones. And, you know, plenty of people who haven't gotten married by the time they're in their 30s. But I'm thinking more, friends with Christmas has the energy of, like, when you're still staying in your childhood room, you know, like those first time.

I say it's angst fucking. You're describing angst fucking. And you see the people, you see the hottie from high school that you always wanted to borrow. Yeah. Yeah. And when the road not taking looks real good now. Exactly. Tis the damn season. Tis would wrote a whole song about it.

But there's anger there. I mean, there's not, you know, it kind of reminds me. It's like one of the only times I like lament quitting smoking, like that cigarette, when you finally bust out of the house. Oh my God. During the holidays, you like go meet up with some friends somewhere. I would just go to a bar with my brother and have some like a beer and some wings. That fucking cigarette was amazing

because it was an angry smoke. It was just like a, ah! Like you just need to hurt my... And that's the thing about Tis the Damn season is a great song and it is basically the embodiment of a concept that we created first, Taylor. Yeah, called Friends of Christmas. Do you listen to the show, Taylor?

It's okay, you can listen to the show. I love you so much. I just think you're so great. You talk to Taylor the way you talk to your baby. That was the same, the same intonation you're talking about you, Taylor. I love me, Taylor. But maybe because I never, uh, no one. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do the lokey dougy man for Taylor. I don't know. I guess maybe because I never had a high school sweetheart when I listen to Tis

the damn season or watch any Hallmark movie and think about the general concept of friends with, for me, friends with Christmas would be like, ooh, that like the two guys I had a crush out in high school, like bang and them would be great. But like, I don't relate to the idea of being like, ooh, there's like an alternate path with this like love of my life and staying in my hometown and stuff. Although maybe that is really something that a lot of people can relate to. Yeah. What was the vibe of the two guys you had a crush on in high school? Like what was the general deal?

They both loved Weezer. They were both in like Weezer-like bands. But they weren't. So we're not talking about sportsmen. There was three guys, I guess, that I liked. They were all named Dan. Oh. They were all named Dan.

And Dan was in a band. No, they weren't like, they weren't. All three of them were in bands, actually. Oh, my God. All three dance and bands. This tracks really well. Were they, like, were they, like, sad. Were they, like, sad boys, too?

Or were they like? No, no, it was a more, like, I was the sad boy, and I was like the punk boy. And they were a little bit, all three of them were a little bit, they were all kind of preppyer, Weezer Dan band boys. Wow. Dan band boys.

They're Dan-Band boys. I know when they're all new Dan. The boring name of the... They were all great. Honestly, all three of them, if I ran into them, today I would be thrilled. At least one of them I hung out with a bunch after college. And like, you know, they were, like, it's... I named those three because they were the three, like, high school crushes where it's like,

I look back with nothing but fondness on those crushes. Nothing ever happened with any of them. But, like, just what I got... Hell yeah. You know, like, when I hear Tis the damn... season. I mean, nothing ever happened with any of them, zero percent anything. But like, if I think back on like, who would I want to run into it at a bar in my hometown? It would be one of the three Dan bands. But any of them I take it.

One of those all three Dan's just taking you to town, though. I mean, how fun would that be, right? Oh, that's a three Dan band. Yeah, that's a three Dan band right there. They're just all playing instruments. They're all going crazy. They're all playing bass. They're all playing bass. Were they all They were all guitar players. Oh, they were guitar players. That would have been so funny if they were all bass players. That would have made it perfect. No.

So we never got any friends with Christmas and it was my dream. It's still kind of my dream. I never, I always like, yeah, I always like from a distance, fantasized a same. I had the same thing with all of it. But I mean, I had the same thing with any. I didn't have a girlfriend in high school. I mean, I was crushed by that. You know what I mean?

So yeah, it's just, it broke me like a promise. Man, there's a lot of things that are broken like a promise. And a lot of those things are coming out of Candice Cameron Bray's mouth. And if we're talking Christmas, you've got to come, you got to bring up the shitty Candace Cameron Bray every once in a while. Because as we know, and yes, we're talking about Candace Cameron Bray of full house fame, who is in so many Hallmark movies. It's ridiculous.

Who's always talking about how much, like, no, I love. like to have sex with my husband, which is, you know how often she comes up in, and like, like, just, just random articles about Candace Cameron Bray, where it's like, it's crazy. I like to have sex with my husband, but not in the way Kelly Rippa and Mark Consuelos do it, which I feel like they are the yin and yang of talking about having sex with your husband, because Kelly Rippa and Mark and Suelos is like, yeah, we still love it to like, ooh, just like the fiery passion. And I feel like it's all lies coming from Candace Cameron Bray.

Anyway, that's not even what we're talking about right now. talking about the switchover that Candace Cameron Burray had where she left the Hallmark Channel to move to another channel called the Great American Family Channel. So she's not doing any more movies with Hallmark. And the reason why she made this move is because she thought her new network would, quote, keep traditional marriage at the core. Yeah, man. Which is horrendous. So what you're saying, so we know that this is a disgusting thing to say and my favorite part is that now people are finally, outwardly, months ago, Jojo Siwa turned against her and said that Candace Cameron Burray

was the rudest celebrity she had ever met, and now Jody Sweeten is turning against her. Her one sister of Full House is openly being against her ideals of traditional marriage because it's fucking bullshit. And I love that she retweeted Holly Robinson Pete, who's also like a huge hallmark actress, who was also on Hanging with Mr. Cooper did put up a quote that said, like it wasn't traditional for people to marry interrational.

It wasn't traditional for us to drink out of water fountains that white people drink from. So when we hear the words traditional marriage to describe only one type of marriage, it belittles the love and commitment that many legally married people have for each other. And it triggers many of us to a time that we remember how the word tradition was cloaked in Christianity. and we were basically told that God didn't want equality for all. And Jody Sweeten retweeten retweeted it. Bitch! Fuck you, Candace camera, right?

This is the Christmas feud I've been waiting for because it's very easy to be on the right side of it. Like, Hallmark, after whatever, 20 years of being like, we only make movies with white people, we only make movies with straight people. And thin people. and thin people. And not ever using someone that is differently abled in any way, shape, or form. Right. Like, think of any aspect of representation that could be diverse in any way. And it is not there in a Hallmark movie, obviously.

That's kind of like, you know what you're getting. And then last year, they make, like, one gay one. Kind of like a hundred. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's slow. It's slow moving. But they are at least, I saw, like, I saw some.

I saw like having some people that are actual actors in wheelchairs that so it's like I appreciate they're trying. It's not traditional, Jackie. It's not, you know, it's like, but for them, that is not the idea of what a perfect Christmas is. And it's just a stuff. It's like the little bit of gayness. It's like not like Hallmark is, you know, fucking a club, you know, like having a little bit

of gayness fit into everything else. It's just like the Kristen Stewart movie where it's just like, oh, it's just like all the like really traditional values of a Christmas movie. But gay, okay, fine. It's like not like liberation queerness. It's just like a gay Christmas movie. Fine.

All right. I really love this year they're putting out Christmas tokens and it's got all of them. It's got a wheelchair kid, a gay couple. We've got people of color. It's like D.K. kids. Except it is, but it's all. And that Hallmark takes a victory lap.

Like, we did it, guys. We did it. We did representation. And Candace Cameron Bray. This is what I don't understand with Candace Cameron Bray. Like, I guess it would be one thing that if I guess if you really feel that way, then don't be involved in movies. But the fact that she feels so strongly about the ideas of traditional marriage that she leaves the network. The whole network.

That goes to show how evil she is. And I know that we shouldn't say someone is evil for how they believe. But the belief in traditional marriage. I feel is evil, especially at fucking Christmas time. I mean, she is synonymous with that. She has no career other than Christmas movies. She's going to tank her one thing that she does, which is be in Hallmark Christmas movies, that everyone was like, yeah, we all know that you're fucking weird as hell and your brother

thinks that, like, bananas are assigned from God, but we'll watch you in a Hallmark Christmas movie because whatever, we love Hallmark Christmas movies. And she's like, nope, not going to do it. Got to go to a weirder fucking, more conservative, more traditional network. And just because Hallmark had a few gay people in their movies. And I think it's great because Georgia Osir had to, who was just awesome ever since she came out, like as had to be like,

oh, I guess I have to pretend I'm actually cool with Candace Cameron Bray because I said this thing in a TikTok about how she was rude. And then Candace Cameron Bray was like, what? Oh, M-G. And then Joe Osir had to be like, I'm sorry, I missed that. I didn't mean to be like that.

And then they had to be all cool. And whatever, I know that we all have different ways of being, with people who have abhorrent beliefs. But I think it's really exciting to see celebrities, especially to be like Jody Sweeten, yeah, who is like known, obviously, Candace Cameron Bray for her entire life to be like,

actually, I'm not cool with this. Like, this is a deal breaker for me. I think it's very, and I don't expect people to do that with their families or even with their old friends if they are not, if they don't think that that's going to be effective. But I think it's cool to see celebrities not pretend that they have to be cool with Candace Cameron Bray. It is okay to be like, fuck that.

That's stupid, you know? Yes. Also, you learn something every day. What the fuck is the Great American Family Network? It is, could you imagine like, because I mean, you know, not to take too much of a dump on the Hallmark Channel, but the quality of the filmmanship of those movies is already in question. How horrible do you think the product line is on the Great American, it used to be the Great American Country Network, by the way. That's, of course. But then that's why, because that's the thing is that the people that love Candace Cameron-Barray and how she feels are going to follow her.

And I will say, I do think- This is the truth social love. Yes. And I do think that MJ and you and I are not the typical watchers of Homer. I think that like our generation we are because we grew up with our parents watching them. So I think that there is like a nostalgia of it. But for the most part, a lot of the people, I think that there are a good amount of people that watch Candace Camer. and agree with her and are going to follow her over to the great American family. You know what?

What I say? Bye. Don't let the door hit you on the ass. How about you all go? Go over there. Go all the way over there and keep away from our fun new Hallmark movies because then it's kind of fun. Because then, oh, my God.

And then, like, I understand that people get upset about like, oh, but then it's just the same tropes. It's just the same horrendous tropes. Like, that's kind of what inclusivity is in media is then, well, now. there's tropes about everybody. Yeah, again, you're not going to get liberation ideology from a Hallmark. From Hallmark. You're not going to get it from Hallmark.

That's not the point. And, you know, I did not love the Kristen Stewart gay Christmas movie just because I just didn't think it was not. That was a bad one. That was a really bad one. But yeah, it's not like, I'm not like, I mean, again, I'm just like, I don't expect a gay Hallmark Christmas movie to kind of like break down the way we think about society. I just want a Christmas movie that's not like giving money to homophobes, you know, like. that's the thing. It's like, listen,

Candace Cameron Bray can believe whatever she wants, but if she is using her platform to be an anti-gay activist, which she is, then that should have career consequences for her. Yes, it should. And now I will, and I already never, if I saw that Candace Cameron Bray was in a

Hallmark movie, I openly would not watch it. And so now it's great. I hope they take all of her movies over to Great American Family. Get rid of them. And now we can watch Jody Sweeten in a cozy Christmas Inn, which is her. Oh my God. I took so many screenshots of this article, though, because the way that it was, you know how like entertainment articles have to always be like, you know, if they're referring to Mariah Carey, they have to be like, the all I want for Christmas singer.

And then the next time they refer to her, they have to be like, you know, the author of the new book and they always have to have a different thing to refer. Yeah. Oh, my God. Like, they refer to Jojo Siwa as the dance mom's alum. And then they have to refer to. her to Candice Cameron Bray after already referring to her as the full house alum and they refer to her as the Aurora Teagard Mysteries actress. And then

they have to refer to either, it's unclear, Jody Sweeten or Jodicewa, and they refer to her as the So You Think You Can Dance Judge. And then they have to refer to Jody Sweeten again and they call her the Stephanie Tanner actress,

which is really falling into it. Why? You don't have to keep explaining who the person is. We know who they are, but I, oh my God, I was dying, like trying to find the most obscure works that these people have been in. Oh, my God, you did say, speaking of a book, Mariah Carey did write a new children's book, by the way, called The Christmas Princess, and it was just released. And it's about little Mariah sets off on a journey discovering the healing power of her voice to spread the spirit of Christmas at home and all around the world. I just wanted to read out the, um, watch out. Noel Chan. There's another Christmas princess in town. And she's coming for you. Oh, she's coming for you. Holden, did you want to scream about how you got Taylor Swift tickets? Yeah, I was about to bring it up. I think people were dying for it. I've had some people hit me up. Be like, what happened? You know, what a crazy cliffhanger kind of nutty episode we did a couple weeks ago. And then we were gone. You know, we had Thanksgiving. So I haven't actually been able to publicly really talk about it specifically. I will say, So from that moment, I got locked out of getting tickets, right?

Everybody did. I didn't realize until I think at the end of our session or right after that they were rescheduling, like this impromptu crazy move. They rescheduled the West Coast presale to like later that day. I just remember like I had this horrible sinking feeling all day. I was like, it was such an anxiety day. It was such a weird day. And then I eventually finally did, yes, Holden McNeely has gotten TAY tickets.

I thought I was an unlucky person and it turns out I'm insanely lucky to have gotten literally the worst tickets I've ever purchased for a show ever. It is the last row of the stadium behind the stage. I mean, you could not ask for worst tickets and yet I'm a lucky one.

I read somewhere it was like 2% chance to get tickets. That was your chance. Oh, yeah. Then on a Thanksgiving Day miracle, shout out Salon Star Kate. Wonderful. The person who you have to thank for my becoming a Swiftie in the first place,

Lex and I went with her to see Taylor Swift on the reputation tour, and that's when I fell in love with the Golden Snake and I get my blood and all that stuff. She surprised during the Thanksgiving stream, surprised me with, she got tickets for Lexi and I. So I've got the Thursday and Tuesday shows in L.A. And that Tuesday, her tickets are markedly better than mine. still not like crazy, crazy, but that'll never happen. Unless you would like to partake in the ultimate Holden-McNeely fan experience.

Well, you have to do this at a lone Stargate now. If you have good tickets. You do owe her on that. Oh, God, yeah. Oh, she's getting the full experience for sure. She might end up crashing my place when she comes in a town because she lives on the East Coast. But you will get the whole full Holden-Magnolian fan experience. If you have good tickets for any of the other days, especially in L.A., maybe even Vegas,

well, tailgate. You can hang out. I'll call my mom on the phone. You can meet my mom. Oh, Jan will love that. Jan will love that. We'll just do it all. You'll get me for the whole...

You'll be so fucking sick of me by the end of the day. You'll never ever want to see me, hear me, listen to him ever again. But I will offer that up per chance. What a fiasco. I mean, it's unbelievable. And they couldn't even put them on normal sale.

The demand was so high. They're all totally sold out. Oh, yeah. It couldn't get past the pre-sale. That's how quick. it's sold it's sold out it is kind of mind-blowing i definitely think some changes need to be made to the systems ticket master very frustrating right now i mean i bitched about this when i try to get black pink tickets i mean the way at least taylor swift did step in and make sure that like

they couldn't just jack the price up during the sale like um they did with they do with other shows so uh my last row of the stadium back of behind the state seats were only a hundred dollars each. Good Lord. So wow, that's really cool. Man, what is happening? Anyways, that's my whole thing. So it's a happy ending though.

I was, you know, kind of in a Jesusy way. I sort of was downtrodden and in despair. And then I rose from the ashes. You're the Elizabeth Chan of the Taylor Swift tickets. Of the Taylor Swift ticket situation for sure. And I'm a bit of a little drummer boy as well. Yeah, I think that you're a boy who got the shoes also. Wow.

You're all the ones. And I give Winnie Butterfly kisses. The worst characters of Christmas. You know what I mean? I go, I'm all the worst elements of Christmas combined into one Taylor Swift fan. No, I like the little drummer boy. I don't want him playing music to my baby, but I do like it.

Who wants a drum right after birth? Who wants that? He's like, I don't have anything to give you. I give you music. As a musician, don't you like that, Holden? Yeah, play a fucking. flute or some play a violin. You imagine him? Just flutin.

Next to you in the manger. We're better than, big, bob, bam. We just were in labor for like eight hours. The last thing I was, right now in my fucking life is a child slamming on some drums. I'll bet her labor. We've never heard about Mary's labor. I'll bet it was fine.

Yeah, I bet it was sluiced right out of her. You just slushed right out. Yeah, man. She was one of those people where she was just taking a shower and it came right out, you know? Oops. I didn't even know I was pregnant. I'm writing a Christmas song this year. It's going to be called Mary's labor. And it's going to be all about,

she pushed it, she pushed it, and the baby came out of the bush. Yeah, it'll be good. Yeah, and you'll do the breathing underneath it. That's the percussion. Backtracking of breathing. And then a drummer boy came into the room

and we fucking got mad at him. But it's a little punk drummer boy. Watch out. His name is Dan, MJ. Oh, the drummer boy's name's Dan. Don't get a crush on the boy. Be careful. Wow.

What a twist. But I do think because it might be time, I mean, I'm scared of it, of a celebrity conspiracy theory. It's such a good one because we got another inside-in because celebrity conspiracy theory. Hit me with the share.

Do you believe it? Dwayne the Rock Johnson, more like, Dwayne Piss Bottle Johnson. I thought you were going to say, Dwayne the Cock, Johnson. Come on. I got so excited. Dwayne, the piss comes out of the cock, Johnson. Okay, there you go.

Holden, it's me again. Anonymous production, hon. You might remember from maybe, I believe, the Poussac episode. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was thrilled to hear about Timothy Shalameh, ding, dong, peeing in bottles last week, episode 471. I do want to give a shout out to the person that wrote in to try and defend Timothy Shalamay's character.

And then apparently he's a very good human being. That he's apparently very, very nice. That he even, like, tripped over a rug and even apologized to the rug. It's interesting. He's apparently very, very sweet. Because he also ends up in the blinds a lot as like he drank, you know, he was like throwing whiskey at an old lady. You know what I mean? It's always like chaos blind items where he's like just a maniac.

He's like a mad hatter of the celebrity world. So I like to believe that he's a nice guy as well. I think it's nice. And I just want to say just to Catherine, thank you very much for the defense of the day. Well, my first hand reports on Puzac had another celeb to tell me all about this. their bowel movements. This time, though, it's everyone's favorite, The Rock. He's got a weird power play for you. The Rock never flushes the toilet. Instead, the poor facilities guys have to go into the trailers and flush for him. Why? Who are you? What's happening here? I have this

supported by guys working for two different trailer providers. When I brought it up in the office, one of my team who worked on a series of large films with The Rock had another horror story for me. Dwayne's famously so busy He just peas in a bottle on set Therefore leaving bottles of hot piss around the set all day There's one poor floor runner Whose responsibility is to collect these And throw them in the bin throughout the day

Well one day Dwayne didn't close the bottle cap tight enough On his piss bottle The floor runner went to grab the bottle And it fell out of her hand At which point she grabbed at the bottle midair But she clutched the bottle too tight pushing the piss

right up and out through the loose cap all over herself. This poor person wanting to make their foray into the magical world of filmmaking ended up absolutely covered in rock piss, shirt, arms, hair, face. People have to pay a lot of money for that. Just saying. Yeah, exactly. Some people would pay so much fucking money to be covered in the rocks' piss. She got changed, bend her clothes.

By the way, I love how this person is definitely British. Binned her clothes. couldn't stop washing herself. She was eventually sent home to have a proper shower and recovery afternoon. She was back the next day, but beyond cautious, with bottles of piss. How about we stop with bottles of piss at all? How about after you stop making us deal with their bowel movements at all like normal people? That'd be cool.

More as I have it. Anonymous production, hon. Now, okay, not to be immediately in defense of the rock. Wow. Because I do love the rock. Unbelievable. He is oftentimes in costumes where I imagine it's difficult to take off for him to go to the bathroom. Like he's in Black Adam, right?

You look at that costume. There must be a peepy hole where you can just drag his penis out. The one thing that I will say of all these stories, a lot of these stories aren't coming from people that have vaginas. You know, why? Because we can't just pull out our cocks and piss in a bottle. We have to take the whole thing off. Or at least have something that you can pull to the side, like it's a leotard. or a latch or something like that.

So I will be in that defense. If he can piss in a bottle, he can piss in a toilet, Jackie. What if he's not allowed off the seat? What if he's not allowed off the seat? He's a top-billed A-list actor. He's definitely allowed anything to fuck. Then he likes a piss-in bottle.

If he is able to take his dick out to pee in a bottle, there is nothing preventing him from aiming that dick towards a toilet instead. Yep. I agree. I tried, Ron. I tried. Rock the cock. I tried. It sounds like, Jackie, I want to pose this question to both of you. What celebrities piss would you choose to be covered in if you had to have this horrible experience that this poor production assistant had? Sounds like maybe the rock. Taylor Swift's piss. Taylor Swift's obviously. And if you want to ask me, oh, what about an actor? She's acted in several films. Oh, yes. Like the cats. Cats. Cats. She's the beginning of our downfall. That new movie Amsterdam. She's apparently a lot.

The Butthole Cut Tour. Remember to get your tickets. Last Podcast Network.com. Go to Last Podcast Network.com to get your tickets to the release the butthole cut tour where we will definitely talk about Taylor Swift in the movie Cats. Especially D.C., Philly, New York. We are going to be in you very, very soon. Next week. And then the week after that, Minneapolis, Milwaukee and Chicago. And Chicago, Midwest. Get those tickets. It's going to be such a banger. Chicago's selling pretty great. So definitely, definitely you want to go to that one for sure. It's going to be a fucking, it's going to be a hellhound. It's going to be a hellhound.

I guess, I don't know if it's just because I'm looking at a picture of him right now, but to answer your question, MJ, I guess Nick Cage is piss. Yeah. I feel like that would be the kind of one where it would be like depending on how the piss happened. Like I'm not into piss play. I don't have that kink myself. But I guess if I was like, if Nick Cage was like,

I'm going to just like, I'm going to piss in this bottle and you can sprits it on yourself, I guess. I would. Yeah. If you're going to accidentally spill pee on yourself. If you're into piss, then it sounds great. But it sounds like this production assistant did not want to. Was not. I did not wish for piss to be all over them. I will say to in defense of the rock or maybe just in support of being covered in the rock's piss, those kinds of the guys that work out all the time stuff, they understand the value of hydration. I was going to say hydration is that you have to pick the most hydrated celebrity.

And I don't think McCage is very hydrated. I think back when I said. It's going to be stinky piss. It's going to be stinky. You're right. You're going to want to choose an athlete of some sort. For sure. Mark Wahlberg probably hydrates really well.

The roids, wouldn't the roids dehydrate you? I don't know. I don't know. Well, you know, you know me. I'd love to juice up when I can, but I don't know anything about that. Yeah, you love to get big and thick. Oh, yeah, man. Do we know a lot about them?

Would it be you, MJ? Any piss that you would be fine with? Honestly, I think Timothy Chalamee is going to be. he's not the top of the list but if I accidentally spilled his piss on myself you know he's just such a little fairy boy

I feel like it'd be little dribblets at most I think he just dribbles it out slowly throughout the day wow wow man you know what well I guess I certainly believe we have to believe the conspiracy theory because it's a real

it's the part where it was confirmed by like at least the flushing thing seems to be real it was confirmed by multiple trailer companies So that's the whole thing. And who sent this in? Anonymous production, hon. I just want to say Anon, thank you so much.

Thank you, Anonymous Production, Hunt. I love these emails. I love these emails. I live for them. Yeah, any industry insiders, we'll keep it anonymous. Oh, yeah. No, we will never say, we'll never say. But I will say, what's on the list?

Oh, who's on the list? Jack, hey, got to have that list. The 15 most extreme celebrity pets. Now, there are definitely someone here that we know, like Mike Tyson's tigers. Because it wasn't just a hangover joke. Tyson really did own three pet tigers until one of them attacked a trespasser, which seems like an added benefit. But it was apparently the first time he learned that tigers are dangerous.

Go ahead. Go on, cracked. Yeah, crack man. Crack knows what they do it. Now, I do know, I did know about Tippy Hedron's lions because Tippy Hedron had dozens of lions and tigers that lived in her house in the 70s until one mulled her teenage daughter. I'm actually surprised about the fact that Cracked did not bring up, I believe it's called Roar, which is the movie with Tippy Hedron where the child was attacked while they were shooting because they did you. It is, man, roar is intense, but also if you can handle it and understand that, yes, some of these people definitely got attacked, it's one of I think, I think it is like the most dangerous movie that has ever been made or it's like up there. It's also a fucking great movie.

Really? Yeah, man, don't fuck with these big cats. I think it made sense of why they attacked everyone on the set. Anyway, Tippy Hadron had lions. She used those lions. They were also acting lions. as well as some of the other large cats that she had. Look up the movie Roar.

If you can handle it. I'm not saying it's for everybody. This is really one of those, not for a child, obviously, but it's really one of those situations where it's like, if you live with lions and they attack you, I hate to blame the victim, but you shouldn't live with lions. Yes, or like, I mean, or be Napoleon and have an orangutan. So the orangutan was actually Napoleon's wife's pet.

Josephine Bonaparte dressed her simian bestie in fancy gowns, served her turnips at the dinner table, and the rest of her guests, and even let her sleep in bed with her and her husband. I think that that's where I think I'd draw a line. I am, can I go ahead and say, I am against the ownership of, you know, animals that probably shouldn't be taken care of by people in a hall.

Yeah. Well, if you'd like to DM Jackie on that hot take, you can hear up any. It's Jack That Worm on Instagram. Yeah, I'm saying some pretty edgy takes today. I don't know if you should. Although it is pretty badass that Anton LeVay had a leopard because he did take his leopard out in public. The Church of Satan founder could also be seen on the streets of San Francisco walking his familiar, a black leopard named Zoltan, proving that real Satanists are just huge dork.

It's a great name for a leopard. Isn't it a great name for a leopard? He knows exactly what he was doing. Yeah, dude. He fucking, he's cool, dude. But I also didn't know that Elvis Presley had a kangaroo. Now I've burned everything. Oh, no, I've burnt everything.

Yes. His agent gave him one in the late 50s. What is that? We talk about this at Christmas. Don't give animals as a joke. You don't give animals as, I mean, unless you've talked about it beforehand, in the same way, like, all the crazy Christmas commercials where people just like buy their partner a car

I'd be so fucking pissed off I'd be like where did it come from can we afford it? I would have liked to have been a part of this decision making process for sure I just like except for those videos like I've been watching those videos lately like the old woman who got the cat

for a present and it was like because her cat just died and then she's crying I've been watching those lately see that I guess you know that's fine but it kangaroo congratulations MJ on your two the two new additions to your family. Thank you.

I'm an old lady crying because my cat just died and now I have two new little kids. And they're just like the ones you, well, one you still already have, which is kind of weird. And then the one that died. That's not kind of weird, but I'll just like, can I just say I love the name Sparkle Darth Vader? Yeah. As the name for a cat's sparkle Darth Vader? Well, you know, Zelda chose, Freddie got to name one, which is Loveheart. And then Zelda was going to get to name the other.

She chose she chose Darth Vader for the best. black cat and then Freddie wanted to kind of josh it up a little bit so she I get it. Sparkle Darth Vader. God, I get it totally. Are you going to call the cat Darth or Sparkle? We're calling him Sparkle Darth right now. Sparkle Darth. Which Gideon really wanted to call him

Darth Sparkle because Darth is a title and he was like Sparkle Darth doesn't you know, but the kids didn't go for that. But yes, the kids did indeed choose. My brother's wedding was kind of like hosted by a cat rescue called the Cat Ranch Rescue in Bloomington, Indiana.

If you want to donate to a cat rescue, they have like 80-some cats that they give, you know, that they take care of. And my kids saw a little gray cat who looked just like man-faced. And so they chose her first. And then we said you get to pick another one. And so they chose a little black cat who looks just like Sarafita, who is still alive.

So now we've got it. And Seraphina is doing okay with the two new additions. Seraphita's all right. Yeah. So the thing I think it's like, hey, what the fuck? Wait a second. Seraphine is a little bit like Olivia Coleman in the crown, you know?

Like a little bit like, oh, quite. You know, she's just like she, she's the uptight bitch of the home. You know, she's the matriarch. So she's not thrilled about it, but she keeps it close to the vest, just like Olivia Coleman. Okay. Just like Olivia Coleman would.

I will have to say, though, I think a kangaroo, if you were to ask you, like, what would be the most cantankerous, challenging, just terrible and general pet to have. I mean, people box kangaroos for like, that's like how I know, you know what I mean? And even their sacks are filled with goo unlike what the cartoons would have you believe. So you can't even enjoy the goo sack. I mean, the babies go.

Correct me if I'm wrong. I don't think Elvis Presley lived in Australia, did he? Because you were going to take an wild animal not only out of their wild habitat, but out of their complete ecosystem and hemisphere. I'm sure that kangaroo was not eating what they were supposed to be eating. No, not at all. In Elvis Presley's home.

There's probably a bunch of pills. Peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Peanut butter and banana sandwiches, the burger and the king, if you ever wanted to know, watch a documentary about Elvis's eating habits, it'll blow your mind. Speaking of Kings,

the reason why I brought up Nicholas Cage before, last but not least, Nicholas Cage had cobras. Had it not been for the HOA, we might have lost the greatest actor of a generation, though Cage said his two king cobras kept trying to hypnotize and kill him, he didn't actually get rid of them until the neighbors found out and lodged a complaint.

I guess I would complain. I know what, no, I wouldn't complain if my neighbor had a king cobra. I'd be like, that's your fucking deal. If you're worried that the king cobra keeps trying to hypnotize and kill you, I don't know what to tell you, man. You should probably get rid of those snakes, but I guess if you don't want to get rid of those snakes, I'm going to tell you what you do. The only thing is being a friend to a snake,

pet owner a lot. They tend to get out snakes. So maybe that's why they were upset about it. They're pretty sneaky little guys. They tend to... I would come over sometimes. I'd be like, yeah, by the way, just be really careful. Bertha got out.

She's just in the house somewhere. I'd be like, wait, the really mean lizard? Like, the really angry what? You know what I mean? And that happened quite often. So, I mean, I'm sure he's got like good snake cage money. This is fucking names cage. Yeah, so he's big on the snake cage.

Yeah, on the cage. hopefully, I would think. But man, why would you ever? If he keeps trying to hypnotize and kill him, something tells me those snakes are just kind of willing to be in the house. I'm sure I've told this story before, but Gideon, when he was a kid, had a six-foot long boa constrictor

whose cage was in the guest bedroom. And so when guests would come, they would just put a blanket over the cage and allow the guests to sleep in the bedroom, not knowing that there was a six-foot snake also staying in. Oh, my God. I mean, I've definitely slept in a room. room with a snake in a cage several times.

Oh, you're talking about your ex? Come on. Oh! She was a bitch. She was a bitch. She was a bitch. Um, uh, she wasn't. Well, one was, but...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. One wasn't, and I would say the rest of them were. Yeah, it's... Uh-huh. Yes, one's very sweet. Uh, all right, I think I might, based on thinking about my ex, is sometimes I think about my exes mess with my eyesight.

That's right. I think I'm going. Blind! Items! Oh, we can't see him. All right. We got some juicers for you. Oh, I love juices and I love gushers, too.

Yeah, well, you're going to gush over this next celebrity like you always do. This A-less superhero who loves to get naked has two women pregnant at the same time. I believe he is still technically married, too. Jason Mamoa? That's right. Man, lightning fast. That's for a must fucking flow. Yeah, the new Nick Cannon, you heard it here first.

Wow. Unbelievable. I will at least say that in the same defense that I would do for Nick Cannon's that it does seem like Jason Mamo is also in an open thing. So, I mean, if that's what they're doing and that's what they choose to do. Insimination vacation. You know, Nick Cannon, I just don't agree with how quickly and how many. Right.

But other than that, like at least all of the women are consenting. It is still like, I guess, I mean, if I got knocked up with Jason Momoa's kid, I'd be like, try and get rid of it. For my dead body where you get rid of this super being that lives inside of me. Sorry, Jeff, I just got married. Hi, baby, I love you. Could you imagine the kicking, though, that you would feel on that baby? I mean, kick a whole through your fucking stomach. That's going to be a 10-pounder.

Yeah, oh, yeah, for sure. No, thank you. Yeah, no thanks. so I want to get plugged up by Jason Mamoa. Okay, I'll get birth to a 10-pound baby if it means I get to F. Jason Mamoa, that's fine. Right, at least as the ones. Net moving right along,

this permanent A-listinger told the wait staff serving her to put on masks. This wasn't for health reasons, but because she didn't want to look at their faces, she thinks it makes more much better deciding experience. Elizabeth Chan, everybody, we all know it's Elizabeth Chan.

That's who did it. We know that it's true. She and Noel. It's not Mariah either. Wow. Right. But interesting for you to assume. I need put on a mask.

You know what I was right. That is such a Mariah move. That is such a Mariah move. But it's not Mariah. Think of other A list singers. Madonna. Maybe from across the pond. From across the pond, A.

Adel? Yes. Wow. The answer is Adelaide. I wish nothing but the best for you, but I don't want to see your fucking face. Oh, my God. I don't know.

That doesn't feel very Adel, but who knows? I mean, Hello from the other side. But also, she presents very like Jennifer Lawrence, right? She's like, I'm just a normal road with the tumble lady. I just love how many cigarettes she smokes. She still sounds so amazing. Getting drunk with Prince Harry.

Oh, my God. Prince next door. Sounds like a fucking Hallmark movie. that makes me sad. I hope it's not true. Yeah, I tell that was true. Yeah, that would be sad. But it's in the blind, so you gotta say it.

Gotta say it. Have to say it. Yeah. Legally have to say it. Yeah. Because it's one of the few blinds that don't have sex. Also, how do we know it wasn't for the personal health reasons? Did she say like put on a mask, but it's not because I'm coronavirus safety

concerned. It's because I don't want to see your fucking face. I love that. That's also, I feel like, it could be that like, she feels more comfortable if they have masks on, which, I mean, I think is still rude. but, you know, I, it can't be because you don't want to look at their faces. It's just like the opposite of like the Ellen thing, right, where you're not allowed to make eye contact.

Like, the eyes are out. I just don't want to see the rest of it. The ugly faces. That's so funny to me. All right, and to close it out, apparently this married foreign-born A-list mostly movie actor didn't appreciate this foreign-born director hitting on the mistress of the actor

and they are no longer friends. Whoa. Yeah, that's right. Give us the map again. So we've got two foreign-born. So it's a director and an actor. And the actor has a mistress. And the mistress was hit on by the horny director, who's notably a horny guy.

Roman Blansky. Is it Roman Balansky? I'll tighten it up a little bit. Woody Allen. Big Hollywood blockbuster movie. The one they just worked on. The one they just worked on came out in theaters and it's already on streaming. This will really kind of give it away, but maybe there's superheroes involved.

Maybe there's... Oh, Taita, T. And who's the actor. Rita Ora? No, who's the actor. He's married to Rita Ora now. He has a mistress? The other person has a mistress. What does he direct?

Superhero movies? Yeah. The Hemsworth. The Thor one. Yes. Chris Hemsworth. Chris Hemsworth and Tycho Wattiti. Apparently Tyco Wattiti hit on Chris Hemsworth's.

Yes. In an apparent but plausibly deniable dig against Thor Ragnarok and Thor Love and Thunder. I'd actually write about this before. Director Tyco Wattiti franchise star Chris Hemsworth has said that not only will he no longer work with any mad genius directors, quote, unquote,

but that he is also only interested in returning as the god of thunder if, quote, there is something unique and fresh and unexpected to do with the character. and the world. I was, in my brain, I was like, what do you mean? I thought that, because, like, he and Miley Cyrus broke up a long time ago, I was thinking of Liam Hemsworth, not Chris Hemsworth.

And Chris just has, yeah, and apparently, you know, any of them have a mistress. Yeah, Chris apparently has a lady. No, we did. Yeah, no. I also thought you were saying that Taika, YTT hit on Chris Hemsworth. That's why I said, yes, please. Oh, yeah, because I would, whoa. That would be funny.

Give me that tape, give me that tape. I wouldn't be shocked if Rita was like, bring him in. Oh, yeah. I mean, who was? I'm getting too horny over here. They seem to have a lot of fun, Tyca and Rita, and they seem to be a bit cheeky and a bit horny, baby. So, yeah.

I can definitely see Tyca maybe hitting on the mistress. It's pretty fun. I'm too horny from the blind. You got me. I just, I'm now I'm horny for the rest of the episode. There you go. Wow. Yeah.

And now Chris Hemsworth is just shitting on Thorah Ragnar. Or not Thorah Ragnar. Or not Thor, for Love and Thunder or whatever the fuck is. A little bit. It seems like maybe that that was kind of the end of their little union for now. I'm not sure, though. I mean, I saw those comments earlier.

But it would be funny if it had nothing to do with, like, their working relationship. And he was just mad that Taika was talking up his mistress. Yes. It would be kind of fun. And there you go. I can see again. Welcome back.

Life is love. And love is. life. Yeah, man. You're so right, man. Thank you so much for your blind items. And thank you guys so much for joining us on this, oh, Elizabeth Chan rageful episode of page seven. I am, I mean, all of my rage goes towards her and not towards her daughter because it's not her daughter's fault that her name is Noel. She's bad. Yeah. And that she's a collaborator against her will, I will say. And, man, we're going to see you guys so soon. Hit up Last Podcast Network.com. Go to the front page and get your tickets for the release the butthole cut tour you don't even understand we have

written an entire show for you guys it is not just going to be us standing up there with microphones uh i can't wait to show you this weird concoction that we've created and we will be at you washington dc Brooklyn and philly next week so excited my name is jackie zabrowski you can follow me on instagram at jack that worm you can follow us on ticot at page 7 lpn and you can also come hang out with me. I mean, whenever we're not touring over on Twitch.tv. Forward slash, oh, no, it's Jackie, where we talk about sex on Tuesdays, and we play dating games sims on Sundays, and I play just regular Sims on Wednesdays. Does this come out after tomorrow night's stream?

Certainly does. That's what I thought. Check me out, Twitch.tv. forward slash holdinators ho. Monday through Friday streams, at least when we're not on the road, last podcast network.com for tickets. We're in the East Coast, West Coast, like Jackie just said. Patreon.com forward slash page seven podcast. We've got weekly bonus content for just $5 a month. And for $10 a month you can join us on Discord for the Jersey Shore Watch Along,

which has been an absolute blast. And we are cruising through this season. It's unbelievable this series, rather. I will also say, too, I have been reading Ice Planet Barbarians over on the Patreon. And I don't know how I'm feeling about continuing with it. I might switch it up and I might, I don't know. We're going to see after, you know, it's just a little bit more about how, like, the, the women are just, um, wombs to be filled by these aliens. Like, it's all about that.

I should probably read it. I think you would be really into it. Yes. I don't know. I don't know. I'm enjoying it, but I don't know. But also, come take a listen and let me know if you guys want me to continue to a guy's planet barbarians. There you go. M.J. My name is M.J. and you can see me and my new kittens and my Instagram, which is M.J. K. K. cat. And also on TikTok. So come join us. I'm doing the Megan Trainer dance. God help me. You did a great job with the Megan Trainor dance and the cats. But will you ever forgive me? I feel like it's just we don't, we don't love Megan trainer. No, I think it's great. I thought it was amazing. No, I do like, I've decided I'm

going to do more choreograph dances because that's my dream. So TikTok is my place. Yes, it is. And now it's time to sing the song. Shout. Shout. Shout. Let it all out These are the emails that you wrote it about Come on We're gonna read it up to you Come on

What's up everybody who's ready for some shout outs And thank you guys so much for sending in your shoutouts To page 7 podcast at gmail.com That is page 7, 7 the number podcast at gmail.com I read absolutely everything you guys send into me and it puts us my on my heart. And I love you guys so much and I love our community so much.

Let's kick it off. And we're starting to wrap with a book shout-out, and I just want to say out to the anonymous shout-out for the book, who thanked me for recommending the Court of Series to y'all. I do want to let you guys know that Natalie Jean and I will be putting out a deep dive of the court.

of series that's going to be coming to you in the next few months. And so like Dune did, we are doing a deep dive into the quarter thorns and roses and the rest of the books. So I just wanted to throw that out there. And I just want to say thank you so much for the book house. Book shout out is what I meant. On behalf of all of my grubby book sluts out there waiting for more fairy fuckingings, am I allowed to shout out some books? The Paladin series by T. Kingfisher delivers fantasy novels that bring the horny content,

but also nuanced and entertaining tales of love, magic and adventure, that have become more inclusive and diverse as the series progresses. Hubba, hubba, homina, homana, honk, honk, get that gooch! Thank you so much for the shout-out, and I'm going to have to check out the Paladin series. Have you guys checked out the Paladin series? Let me know! Oh, we have a lovely shout out from the beautiful Cody to the absolutely amazing Brittany. Happy almost birthday, Brittany.

Cody says, I was hoping to get a special birthday shout out to my smart, beautiful, and most of all, patient wife, Brittany. She's my rock, and it still amazes me how lucky I am to have finally found my person, even if I drive her absolutely nuts with all my dumb shit and forgetfulness. It's her birthday on December 16th, which is also the date of your Chicago show. We will be at! Oh my God, I didn't realize you guys are going to be there for the birthday? That's amazing!

Happy almost birthday, Brittany! Anyways, Cody says, big shout-outs to everyone in the last podcast network for everything you guys do, and we will see you fuckers in Chicago. Hell yeah, Cody. Can't wait to see you and the beautiful birthday babe, Brittany herself. Happy almost birthday, baby! We have another amazing, self-shout this time from the absolutely wonderful Jeanette.

Jeanette says this week I have a self-shout and may be a shout-out to the universe in general. My entire family moved across the country from me and have been bugging me to come out there to be with them, but it just hasn't been possible. At the end of last month, I got a referral for a job with my same company much closer to them, and I applied. Yesterday I found out I got the job! and my brother is going to let me stay with his family for a few months while I get settled. And I won $500 in a raffle that I put towards the move.

And I turned 28 in exactly 31 days, so all around things are looking up. It's an example of things falling in place all at the right time, but also being open to new opportunities and seizing them. Much love, Jeanette. Hell yeah. Congrat you fucking lachians, Jeanette. You did it. This is so amazing and your positive energy and knowing that the time will come. when it will come helped you, and that makes me,

oh, I'm so proud of you. I'm so happy for you. Oh, congrats and good luck with the move, babe. And oh no, we have so much love that goes out to you, Jay. Jay says, I'm struggling, y'all. I thought Mercury was done drinking the Gatorade or whatever. My beloved pug, Doty, had to be euthanized today due to some hardcore nasty liver issues.

She had been struggling for almost a month, and we finally got blood work done with some answers. I don't want to fill this with sadness because I sat and cried with my husband all day before we took her in. So instead, I will tell you about her, in my opinion, way too short life. I found Doty on an Ohio pug lovers group on Facebook from a lady I got one other pug from. So you could say she's kind of my pug dealer.

Yes, you can, Jay. Jay says, I'm about the most antisocial person you'll ever meet. and somehow Doty was the same. My husband and I decided to take her to a big pug event. Pugtoberfest, can I go to Pugtoberfest? Where everyone in the area brings their pugs and drinks beer and talks to each other about pug things. Doty found the only couch in the place and made herself at home and refused to let anyone sit with her. And on the way home, Doty and I both passed out from being socially exhausted.

I always make jokes about making her the Jan Brady of our family, and now I'm sitting here crying about Jan Brady. I'm sorry, I'm a little unhinged currently. Thanks for letting me type, of course, Jay. We're always here for you. And thank you so much for telling us about Doty's life because now forever and ever, people can listen to this episode. And remember, Doty, big ups to you, big ups to your other pugs,

and big ups to the whoever created Pugtoberfest, can we please? And last but not least, I want to give a huge shout out to Ev. Ev wrote in and said, I have to let you know that you three literally helped save my life. I'm from the Midwest, but have family down in Florida. Puk. Sorry, Jackie, never apologize to me. Puk all you want about Florida. I had some really horrible things happen in my life this year, and my mentally ill brain told me that a mental problem could be solved with a geographical solution. Obviously, that's so wrong. So defying all logic, I went down to Florida where there was a pool so I could drown myself in it. I gave it my best

shot, but I had page 7 playing on the phone, and just the thought of not being able to hear the celeb news was enough for my brainstem to get my face out of the water. I've been living a good, healthy life since then, but I owe you so much to you guys for giving me another reason to live for these last few months and for the foreseeable future. Of course, I was going to read this on air. I just want to say, thank you so much for sending this in. It means more to me than you could ever understand. I'm so happy that you chose to stay with us.

And so much love goes out to you. And thank you for sharing something so vulnerable because that's what our community is about. It's remembering that we do have each other, that even at the end of the day, we have each other. And reach out if you need it. Always please do. I love you guys very much from the bottom of my heart. And, well, now I'm covered in tears. Isn't that the way a Thursday supposed to begin?

I love you guys so much. And hopefully we'll be seen. you in person very soon. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors. You can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to lastpodcastnetwork.com.