Page 7 - Ep. 485: Nothing But Covid

Episode Date: March 16, 2023

This week we're gossin' 'bout whether or not Holden is a NEW PARENT, the endless torture of jury duty, that southern drawl-filled Murdaugh trial, how watching the Jared Fogle documentary is awful for your soul, Jackie watchin' the new Scream rather than watching the Oscars, the Oscars slowly but surely realizing there are races other than white, Holden recommends Triangle of Sadness, half of the in memoriam being moved to a QR code, COVID ruining MJs vaca, Holden banishes curses, Jackie gives a leech report, life in a post-Gronkie world (where was this one OSCARS), PEDROPASCALFEVER, Jason Momoa showin his butt, Holden thinks about gettin' a nub, BIG RANCH continuing it's march to total domination with the release of Ice Cream, slides and MORE!, MJ finally getting their Margaritaville Crocs, and in Celebrity Conspiracy Corner; Is T-Swifts Biggest Fan Trying to TAKE OVER HER LIFE?!? Also an inedible list, blindz and SHOUTS! Want even more Page 7? Support us on Patreon! Patreon.com/Page7Podcast Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Shortly enough, this song is in my head because of TikTok, and I feel like I'm in some sort of white brain prison? Wow. Hemingway, Ikeman, Stranger in a Strangland, Dillon, Berlin, Bay of Fakes invasion, Lawrence of Arabia, British Beatomania. Oh, Miss, John Glenn, listen beats Patterson, Pope Paul Malcolm X, British politics,

JFK, blown away, what else do I have to say? We did a dinners if the world's a titan. We did it start to fire. I can't. It is, I, it always, this song always makes me think of my sister because my sister definitely listened to the cassette tape over and over and over again to learn every word. And she used to torture us with it.

And she would just like sing it into our ears like behind us just to annoy us. Wow, you guys really figured out like song torture as a family before like Guantanamo Bay did. It's really impressive, you know? Imagine if the U.S. uses, we didn't start the fire for its life. I bet they do. Global song torture. I bet they do. They must because it really is.

It's just one of those songs. And it's like, but don't you see, I mentioned all of the things. Like, yeah, I get what he did. It's a song about everything, everywhere. All that. What? Oh, my God. No, I was more thinking about like how the world burned down for MJ because MJ is supposed

to be on vacation right now. But instead, all they wanted was vacation and all they got was nothing but COVID. I was literally saying this to myself. I was like, Jackie was supposed to have a vacation and all she got was nothing but trouble. And I was supposed to have a vacation. All I got was nothing but trouble. Nothing but trouble. I'm scared now.

I don't even want to plan one. Don't go anywhere. Don't plan a vacation. Don't plan any kind. No, smiling. There's no smiling for this show. That is why I've started wearing sunglasses inside. I've got yellow sunglasses on right now.

Lexi has jury duty this week. We are new parents. This is not. We can't do this. This is insane. Do you still identify as a new parent? I was about to say, is that still new parent? Yes, I'm still new to this.

You have a toddler now. I'm new. That's new. That's like saying, it's like, I'm a new parent because my kid just turned 14. I've ever had a 14 year old before. I will be new until when he is in college. Wait, how long did you decide? Wait, MJ, how long did you say you were a new parent?

I decide all. No, no, no, no. I decide all. You're not a new parent anymore. I'm putting you to jury. You can't hide behind New Barrett anymore. You're going to jury duty with your vacation witch's curse. They never want me because my father was a police officer.

It's great. I see it right out of the gay and go, dad was a cop. Daddy was a cop. Daddy was a cop. Daddy was a cop. Okay, but now I have to do my obligatory. Jury duty is actually, you should actually, people with good politics actually should be on juries. So you should not try to get yourself off of the jury, but also, yes, of course, jury duty sucks in a logistical sense.

I'm telling the truth. Yes, no, you are lying about it. My father is a police officer. At least I try to be out there being like, I love jury duty. It's important for me. No, Jackie wants to get out of it. Jackie gets out of it. It is what it is.

No, I had a friend that, like, a friend in New York that had jury duty for like a really intriguing murder case. And they couldn't talk about it. And it was someone I worked with. And so I was always annoyed because they were gone for so long for this huge trial in New York, which, like, they were so fascinated by. They couldn't talk about it at all. And they were trapped for so long,

but they were so, like, it was so inspired by just, like, the idea of justice afterwards. In, like, 20 years or whatever, I want to be on every jury. Why don't we just, I know this is probably a bad idea, but can we just not prioritize the olds that have nothing to do?

I think that's going to be a bad idea. And I'm just going to let me. Yeah, I think it's really bad. What might happen if you leave justice in the hands of them. old people. I'm sorry, about trying to be ages. I say burn down the building.

Why don't we just burn down the building? There are some fantastic old people out there. I say, let the children decide. I say that too. I think that would be great. Give it to the high schoolers, man. No, I'm talking Freddie Zelda. I'm talking, let the young children decide.

Let them decide. Let the seven-year-olds, the five-year-olds, let them rise up. And they got, by the way, they got nothing better to do. What do they learn in numbers? Who gives a shit? Learned about how this guy got shot in his fucking dome piece. Now we've got to figure out of, you know. Who done it?

And then it's a crazy who done it. I watch a bunch of like, I mean, Perry Mason just came back. So essentially I am a detective now. So put me on the case. I'm feeling a little like that too because I like missed the memo on the Murdog murder shit. Now I'm finally like in a total worm time. Oh, yeah. Me too.

It really sucks you in. And stuff is fast. So, holy shit. Nothing like a southern like gentleman murder. to really draw you in. And yeah, and all the ins and outs. It's like Henry said, it's got something for everyone

if you're a true crime person. Man, you know what? Doesn't have something for everyone? Oh my God, not the Oscars. No, I'm not even talking about the Oscars. I have to bring up. I don't know why we watched all of the Jared Fogel documentary

over the week. Yeah, what is this on, by the way? It's not Discovery Plus, Holden. That's the sign that you run. I say this as a subscriber to Discovery Plus, but if it's on Discovery Plus. You've got to run. It's not for child.

last station. It's a shenanagan network. It was, it is, I can't recommend it to a lot of people just because of all, like, it kept flashing of that, like, these are disturbing, like, these are disturbing conversations because it's all recorded. And there's just so much and I'm just sitting there. And, like, we got into bed and I went to, like, kiss Jeff. And he's like, I can't even. We can't. We can't. We just need to be. You stay on your side of the bed. I'll stay on my side of the bed. because it is just truly horrific. And talk about the justice system. Seven years, I know his life is ruined. And I don't believe in the penal system. I don't know what he deserves. Oh, we only got seven years. I think he should be shot into outer space.

That's my proposed punishment. You know, just put like, and not like a Mars prison. I'm saying just like Sandra Bullock gravity. Yeah. Just let him go. Yeah. Let him just continue forward in a constant momentum. If you have like a constant momentum machine, that's space waste.

right there, y'all. You don't think of the environment very well. Don't put the trash out into outer space. We shouldn't do that. But Sandra Bullock was out there. And she's America's sweetheart. Is she America's sweetheart? Yes, she was. I love her. I love her. Are you watching what she still is? Yeah. I think America's sweetheart right now is Wednesday Adams. Jenna Ortega. Jen Ortega is America's sweetheart right now. She was good in the new scream. I watched the new scream instead of watching the actual Oscars because like Holden said before recording, I assumed, and And I think I assumed correctly, even though, like, great groundbreaking wins. I'm not talking about that.

But the show itself was Borough-Snoro because it had to be. It had to be. It had to be. It had to be borough, especially after last year. They needed it to be. They literally could not take any chances this year. And they didn't as they, you know, I guess I would be terrified if I was an exec. But I was chasing that high from last year when all three of us were watching it.

We were all texting each other. We were all like, oh my God, did that just happen? That was one of the wide. wildest live television moments I've ever been a part of. Yeah. Like ever. Yeah.

You know? It's crazy. And then to come all the way back down to just a regular Oscars? Yes. Like who's got the time? Deeply regular Oscars. There was, you know,

there was a lot of very, very smile worthy, very enjoyable moments. But yeah, I'm not, I'm so ashamed to even talk about the Oscars because I, most years, haven't seen many of the movies, but this year is even worse, such that I made a resolution

that next January, in addition to January now being my declutter January month that we started to bring up decluttering again. But declutter January is my way I get through January now. And also next January, I'm going to just like, Gideon and I are going to make a point to be like, we get through January by watching like the Oscar movies, you know, the movies from last year,

so that I don't go into every Oscars every year feeling bad that I haven't seen all of the movies. Because I used to live with my brother when he was in the members of the Writers Guild and he would get the screeners. And so there's a few years there where I had a good run. You know, but it's hard to keep up. It's very hard to keep up. I saw some stuff.

I saw everything everywhere all at once. Triangle of sadness. Elvis, you know, I'm looking at the best movies, but I missed out on the whale. I missed out on tar. You know, I'm glad at least I saw everything everywhere all at once. We weren't, aren't familiar with what happened on the Oscars this year. They swept that puppy.

They, lately I feel like to, doesn't it feel like more so than ever? It's like a sweep more often than not on the Oscars? This was, I think, the biggest high up sweep. Well, it was the most Oscar-nominated movie, I think, of all time right after Return of the King, I believe. And it got, like, all the good ones. It wasn't like, oh, it swept by, and it got, like, some of the, like, you know, makeup or whatever. It got, you'll say. Yeah, best, like, bows in hair.

As someone that watched almost all of the Oscar movies this year, I understood because everything everywhere all at once is such. a different, like, even though it's like a multiverse thing, which of course is happening a lot in Marvel, it was just something that I was so, I saw it the opening weekend, so I had heard nothing about it. And I was like, this just looks awesome. So even just going into it fairly blind, I was blown away by it. I mean, talk about like a movie experience. Like I was so, even though it's two and a half hours, doesn't fucking feel like it. It's so inventive.

It's so different. I understand why this swept Ki Haikuan, like, congrats. I can't believe, but can we just talk about real quick? The groundbreaking Oscars that happened this year. You're talking about the whale? Whoa, Brendan Fraser, congrats. That was not, no, a white man winning the Oscar did not break any grounds. Right, no, I think it's physical.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I got what you were saying. I think that it's really crazy to me that these things that are groundbreaking, like Michelle Yo, winning the best actress, being the first Asian actress to win, best actress. That blows my brain. That's insane to me. Ruth Carter was the only the only black woman to ever receive two

like two Oscars of the same category like that's great. Now that we're in 2020 three, none of these things are like awesome, good for us. It's always like sad. Yeah, you're like wow, really? Stunning.

Michelle Yo is only the second like woman of color to get best actress. Her and Hallie Berry. And it wasn't even that long ago. Yeah. Or was it that long ago when I'm old. And Hallibary won for a really, I think, bad movie. Right.

And he was going on. Yeah, I think anyone wants to act through having sex with, um, no, not Harry Codic Jr. Billy Bob Thornton. Harry Codding Jr. What an interesting switch. I'll tell you what. Billy Bob Thornton is like the fucking cocaine version of Harry Codick Jr. Yeah, he's the bad boy version of Harry Codic Jr.

Wow. That's so funny. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, every first is just stunning. Like, wow, the first black woman to win two Oscars. What?

Like, this is only the second woman of color to get best. This is the first year that two Asian American actors won, like, at the same, in the same year. It is just like, yeah, for the big awards. Like, it is just like a, wow. To the point where it is then, then, it's like, can we show these stats to the next person that gets mad that there's a POC in the protagonist spot of a superhero movie. Like, no, no, it's like crazy.

Look, it's crazy. Like, it's so disproportionate. It's not, we're not coming for your movies, bro. Like, holy shit, we need this. Like, what is going on? What do you, like, the weird perspective where it's like, wow, we're all the white folks in these super air movies. And this is why we won't let the old people run all of the jury.

We gotta keep them out. We're so good. We're talking like old, old too, you know? I want them to be a hundred years old. A hundred plus and you're automatically, that sucks. And all you do, you make it to 100 and you have to go to jury duty. For the rest of your life until you die. That's what I'm proposing.

That's my new proposal. And you know what? Seeing some of the bills coming through the pipeline over there in the Capitol building, $100 bills? I might actually get it in there. Absolutely, $100 groundbreaking, Jackie, groundbreaking. My comedy is groundbreaking. So I will say, like I was going back to saying everything everywhere all at once, a lot of these other movies, although albeit very, very good.

I'm not saying that the other Oscar movies were not really good. Bit of a power of the slog. But, I mean, there were a couple of power of the slogs in there. If you remember all Power of the Dog from last year. It makes me laugh every time. You guys call it Power of the Slug. Actually, I think it's it hours of the slog. No, it's Power of the Slog.

It felt like hours and hours. Certainly. God, how did that movie, man, when everyone just decides it's like one of the best movies, it's just like, come on, you didn't like that. There's no way you like that. I will throw it out there, though. All Quiet on the Westin Front is someone that does not give a shit about war movies. That movie was devastating and gripping.

Yeah. And it was, I watch it more just because, like, you know, I was watching it with Jeff. And it was like, yeah, I'm down to watch this. three hour long German film. I mean, I'm always down, man. I didn't think it was going to be a power of the slog, and it certainly was not, man. The sound design is crazy in it,

and it really does not. Something that Jeff talks about often is how a lot of war movies glorify the idea of war. And this movie does not. Okay. Very devastating. And I tip my cap to,

if you're going to see anything on this nomination list. Triangle of Sadness, bro. Outside of everything, were all at once, I would highly recommend triangle of sighters. I think you and Gideon will love triangle sadness, M.J. And it's broken down into three parts, so you can just watch one part at a time. They do title screen, act break kind of things. That helps me, that helps me a lot, actually, these days.

Same with everything everywhere all once, though, actually. Everything everywhere all once also does that. So you can hit these stop points. Although I feel so sad because that the young person, the young woman that was in Triangle of Sadness, who was so good. It was Charles B. Dean. She died an untimely freak death because she had had her spleen removed. And then she got this bacteria inside of her that if you've had your spleen removed, then

this bacteria will kill you, but not, like, it wouldn't kill anybody else. So scary. And she died right after the premiere of Triangle of Sadness. She was 32 years old. So sad. Or 35 years old. They left her out of the memoriam. They left her out.

They left her out of the memorial. Yeah, I can't believe that. That's crazy. I mean, they left a lot of people out. There's a lot of people, Paul Sorvino, I think, also wasn't included. But, like, Charlie was, like, literally in a movie that was up for an awesome. Like, when people are like, just go to the website. Yeah, you can find you have to get people on there.

That was the other thing that was, I was so mad about there. They're like, for more information on all these nominees, scan your QR code. I'm not going to do that. No, you call me an old person. Exactly. I don't scan for the dead. I don't scan for the dead. Yeah, I'm not going to scan a QR code for a person in their 30s who died,

who was in an Oscar nominated movie. That is just disrespectful. Yeah, I feel like the, you know, the in memoriam, I always actually wish that they could do just like a separate episode of the in memoriam that's like, here's some clips from all these, from what all these people did because it always makes me kind of fast. It's like, I like the like Hollywood history, you know, part of it. And I think that it's kind of fun.

But yeah, I actually did watch these Oscars live. And I just, there was very little to say other than like the parts that everybody saw that were super enjoyable. Obviously, it was like extremely sweet to see the like little Indiana Jones reunion that happened on stage. Oh, also bringing the donkey and Colin Farrell saw the donkey from Banshees of Incher, which is also or that movie is was like, I'm, I'm, I'm, so surprised to see it getting so much buzz because I thought it was just like a little indie movie that we saw. The director is the director who did three signs over three billboards. Three billboards. So he's already kind of in.

He's already like really well in with like the academy and stuff. You know, so any movie he's going to make is going to forever be unless it's just a total, even if it is a total slog. Because haven't we seen time and time again, they love their little sloggy movie. Benjys of Injured is not a slog. I know I'm saying even if it were one, they would still accept it with open arms because they love a slog. Talking about old people on a board. By the way, why don't we combine the two ideas?

Ages 5 to 9 and ages, what are we saying, 80 to 100? Put them in. I say 90 plus. 90 plus and 5 to 10 is what I'm thinking. Because 80's the new 50. And 10 is like fifth grade cutoff, right? We can't have any middle schools in there. We're all fucking...

Yeah, middle schoolers will put everybody to death. Yeah. Don't bring up Jared Fogo! Horific criminals. Well, that's who he wants, isn't it? With his subway. Sandwiches. Hold on, I thought you were going to say combine these ideas by making the academy,

like also the same population from which we pull for jury duty. No, they're all racist. No, I'm talking about taking ages 5 to 10 and ages 90 until death, do you part? And you put them in a room and they decide, you know, 12 angry children and old. 12 angry children. I don't want to see that movie. Don't give me that. You better believe there's going to be some musical numbers.

Jaggs is going to be some children singing. Of course, because they want snickers, but like they won't give them any snickers. It's all this product placement as well. No, they actually, haven't you guys ever seen those little like heartwarming things that go around every few years about how like we brought a pre-K to an old folks home? And it's like a perfect match. Put the children with the old people. Everybody benefits.

Everybody wins. Except for the germs. The germs really win. I think that's the problem. Mask the kids. You're just trying to kill old people. I'm not. The video question I think I saw before COVID happened.

Right. Because that's just children. That's just a breeding program of disease and sadness for sure. Triangle of sadness. Disease and sadness. Triangle sadness. No, that's right in between your eyebrows. That's where your triangle of sadness is because it shows you're upset.

Don't you ever want to get your 11s evened out, MJ? My trial of sadness has taken a hit this week when I was supposed to be at a water park hotel. Oh, you're supposed to be at a water park hotel, and that's my nightmare, but that's your dream. I would have loved that. Before I even had kids, I wanted to go to the water park hotel. Finally, I waited four and a half years.

My kids are old enough to go to the water park hotel, and where am I inside my home with COVID? For the second time and four months. I didn't even get it from Jackie's wedding this time. At least last time I was like, well, I did. I had a blast. I don't even know how I got it. No, you just got it.

And also half your house has it, so you have to stay massive. Can I say, it's really, it's a benefit to me. You're very funny when you're respondent. I'm sad. See, you're a funny for holding, MJ. And my wife's at jury duty were new parents. You're brand new parents. Brand new friends off the, brand new parents.

Fresh off the assembly line. No way. No, you've got a toddler. It doesn't count. It's so hard. It's so itchy. I'm not saying it's not hard. You're just not a new parent.

You are a parent to the young child, which is a special category. What are we now? What are we veterans? Yes. Yes, you are. Don't you feel like a veteran when you look at your friends with a three-month-old? For sure. For sure.

That's the best thing about having slightly older children is you finally feel like you're not an idiot about everything anymore. I mean, Envy's not a feeling I feel, that's for sure. So, you know, I could see that. I could see that. Why, who would you be envious of? Just the free ones, the little free scammers.

Me? Is it me? I'm free as a dove. I don't even have an animal. Jackie's seen every movie. Out of that Vegas vacation, though. Yeah, that's how I've seen every single movie. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, that's how you do it. Don't have anyone that relies on you. I'm not quite jealous of you. Some's out to get you, man. That Vegas trip was fucking... Nourle, dude. Come on. A freak rainstorm that never...

What in a million years? That turned into a snowstorm in the mountains so the roads were closed. In a million years, does that happen? That never happens, bro. No, it's been... You know what? March is, like, not been... February and March have been a little not kind.

Let's do this right now. It's been unkind. Can you describe what I'm doing right now? Okay, his arms are up in the air with very... I banished it. Oh, no! I banished. He's banishing me.

I'm scared. I banish your evil curse. Oh, you're punishing my evil curse? Banishes. Oh, my God. I feel like, do I feel lighter? Do you feel lighter? Do you feel different now?

Are your breasts still lumpy? I'm touching my breasts right now and they aren't. There's no lumps I can feel inside. They are just one, one continuous lump because I have a sports bra on. But I'm feeling, I feel different now. Oh my God. Thank you, Hold. I think it was the nicest thing you've ever done for me.

I will need you to take a leech bath when you get home. to suck out the rest of the curse. I can get me, I can get some leeches, I'm sure. I'll just dig them out of the ground. And you're going to have to suck four cocks in the next three days. Where do leeches live before the doctor's using it? Gotta be like a swamp. In like a swamp, or remember stand by me?

Yeah. Remember that when they all come out of the lake? They're in like wet. Oh yeah, I got to go in a lake. Yeah. Shallow protected waters concealed among aquatic plants. Well, I'll tell you what, though. No thank you.

It also works, though, just like in Standby Me, either you can go into a lake and get a bunch of leeches on you, or you can enter an eating competition in fake puke and make everybody else puke. Ew, I'm reading too much. Don't talk about leeches. I didn't ask you to look it up. This is a totally false premise here, Jackie. I don't want to do a leech bath. I'm looking at a list of the seven most leech-infested lakes in the United States.

You got a bled. You got a bledder. Don't go to Lake Gaston or Lake Gaston. I'm not sure how to say it. Oh, but everyone likes to go to Lake Gaston. And everyone loves to swim in Lake Gaston. Oh, my God. Lake Lainier in Georgia, don't go there.

It's the number two leech-infested waters. Stay out of Georgia in general. Just don't really go to that part of the country. And don't go to Lake Michigan. Lake Michigan is all over the place. It's all across the board. I wasn't going to Lake Michigan. Oh, yeah.

And it's a bullet going to that water park there. This leech is all up in that. thing. Oh, I thought that's where I was going to a colliery in the water slides are. In the Pocahino's on the list. I'm pretty sure that I can go back to that water park hotel once my COVID is gone.

There will be no leeches. Yes, you can. Just make sure that it doesn't have any leeches. Man, they really suck on you. Oh, they can suck you through your nails on your hands. Stop giving me all horny, Jackie. Ew, I'm just reading all these leach facts.

Stop getting me all horned. right now. How much, how good do they suck? Man, they're really good at sucking your blood out, but I don't think that they're good at, like, healing you. They have ten eyes. They suck dick as good as a pucker fish? I don't know, man. Why don't we get them out?

Let's go fish him out the lake and slap them on and see how it goes. And you say you do have people now that you know at the park that listen to this. Do you have other parents? I do have other parents. people in my parent community who listen. I think...

Shout out to you! I'm saying, you know, what's up? I'm talking all my dirty shit for a little bit, bro, just for you guys. If they're still here after gronky, then I think that they can probably handle anything. In a post-gronky world, that's how we have to reference the world now.

It's now a post-gronky world we live in. In a post-gronky world, listen to hearing about getting sucked off by a leech is really nothing, you know? Right, right. Yeah, then it's fine. It's fine. Do you guys have the same...

Now, I know neither one of you are caught up on The Last of Us. Last of Us just ended. And it is, man, it's just great. It just continues to be great. I thought, like, really scary after the third episode of, like, can it beat this third episode? And it just has time and time again. What an amazing human being, like, Bella Ramsey is an unbelievable actress. But is Pedro Pascal, like the thirst for Pedro Pascal, is this?

Does everyone have this on all their social media? Or is it just me? Certainly not just you. It's a real. Or like people that watch Last of Us because like I also, of course, have checked out a couple Pedro Pascal daddy tips, like daddy videos in the past. Just for like work sake. Right. But I didn't realize how, how it like it's Pedro Pascal mania.

Yeah. Is everywhere. Yeah. I mean, I understand it. Yeah. Pedro Pascal fever is here and the only subscription, not subscription, prescription. Perscription is. I was going to make a cow about joke. But I've absolutely ate it.

Never mind. Venus or whatever. I'd subscribe to his weiner. I liked it. I subscribe to Pedro Pascale's Weiner. I'll take that. We'll just leave it there. One monthlies of friendship.

You deny one person in a water park hotel and it breaks them. I think that I have brain fog. You guys don't think of me. No, you have cold. Oh my God. Oh, my God. All right now we're sick of shame. Unbelievable.

Unfair. But yes, no, I also was wondering, like, why is everyone talking about Pedro Pascal all of a sudden? I think it's also, I guess it's the Mandalorian in addition to The Last of Us. There's just a lot going on right now. Well, Narcos, too. It's been like a ramp up of Peterer, Pascal, and he's just so good in The Last of Us. And no one else, I mean, there's no other It guy on the market right now. You know what I mean?

Where's Jason Memo? Where's... Oh, he's showing his butt on social media. Did you see it? Man, he keeps showing his butt. Gronky's bliss is what I call that. I'm sorry, I shouldn't objectify him. Yeah, you can.

Respectfully, he's got a big old juicy. He wants to be, he wants that. He wants it. He doesn't want it just because he shows it. He dressed like he wants it. That's not true. Right? Am I not right?

You don't get what I'm saying. Can you please write in and let us know if what I said is wrong? Sometimes I forget that my horniness goes, you know, it's just like Jackie, cool out on your horniness. Yeah. I forget until I start reading. Ice Planet Barbarians, check out our Patreon. People are hyping on the recent chapters. Man, well, we just hit

a new book for Ice Planet Barbarians and things are different in this book. And it is, we're having a blast with Ice Planet Barbarians, but I just get so horny while I read these books that, like, my mom called me while I was recording

one, and I was just like, ew, ew, ah! Like, I couldn't talk to my mother for at least 24 hours after I record Ice Planet Barbarians. That's how, man. Dude, you don't even know about the thrumman and the resonance because they have this thing called resonance and then they like they

they thrum for each other. If Patriot Pascal were in the filmic experience of that what who should he play? I mean, I don't know. We'd really have to buff him out if he wants to be a seven foot huge. Like I think it's more of a Jason Memoa. That's more of what I think of it started like a battlefield Earth then is what

you're saying. I mean they're being. They're horned. They have tails. They have these huge like fangs. that come out, but they're also like, you touch them and they feel like suede. And they also have a, like a nubbin above their penis that is perfect for certain. Oh, clitoral nub. Yeah, they call it their spur. Well, I would say, I've been looking into some plastic surgery.

I've been looking into acquiring my own clitoral nub. You should get a spur, man, spur it on. Yeah, I'm thinking about getting a nub. I wonder I'm just going to look up. What would that be called? Like spur amputation, not amputation. What's the opposite of amputation? Implmentation.

Implutation. I think it's nubination. I don't know if you're going to get any results from this search, Jackie. I don't think that it makes sense. Yeah, I don't think anyone's getting a clitoral nub. I'm kind of surprised, though, if that's the case, because you could put, like, some metal right above the penis. All the listeners out there are friends with the page park, really, really so-cas.

You get, like, a big hunk of them. metal right above the diocan. Yeah. Covered in skin. Yeah. Just like people get on their face and stuff where their eyebrows are. You know how like they put the lumps underneath like your forehead to grow more skin so you can have more skin. Do they do that?

Well like if you need more skin to like graft onto other parts of your body they'll put, they'll implant something so it grows up around it to expand your skin to give you more skin so they can take that skin and you. I love it. Yeah, I'm a bit of a scientist. You're wild. I know I did

know the word for the opposite of amputation, but I am, it's just because I have the fog of science, MJ. Like it's not, like, COVID thing. Yeah, so it's really, like, it's difficult for us. We all have different fog. Also fog of horniness, though, for

Pedro Pescal, but it really is like, he's everywhere, man, it's crazy. He's the guy. And everyone else's kind of gone away in so many ways, like Leonardo Caprio, he's, everyone's kind of like, ew, because all he wants to do is date the young. He got rid of Gigi. Hadid. You've got, you know, you've got, where's Clooney's guy?

He's older now. Oh, but man. During the Oscars, there was like some montage they did where they just showed like a, I think it was maybe, what's the up the air one, up in the air, whatever. One of George Clooney's ones from a little while ago. Oh my God. This fog is going to kill the stuff. What is wrong with my five?

What's the air? I haven't spoken to anyone in about five days, hold it. So it could be brain fog. It could be. No, you're doing great job. M.J. You're doing great. Is it called up in the air? It is. It is called up in the air. It is very hot. That's what I was going to say.

Honestly, even like, I know I've got a science fog going, but if I didn't have a science fog, there's no way I would ever have remembered the movie up in the air. So I want to give you kudos right now. I don't know if it's a borough snore because I never saw it. It is one of those Oscar ones that everybody talked about. No, up in there is fun. Oh, okay. It's fun. It's funny. It's got, it's good.

It's got a sense of humor. It's good. Yeah, I liked it. Well, 2009, go check it out. It's definitely not in power this log. I mean, that's what's so crazy is movies lately are just like, here's two and a half hours of almost nothing happening, and we're going to win. Really?

So, this is actually an interesting question because part of Jimmy Kimmel's monologue was like, oh, you know, this is the year that everyone went back to the movies. And there's a debate about which is better, movies or TV shows or whatever. And since I haven't really been a. moviegoer in quite some time. Do you feel like movies have changed in the time of streaming like a prestige television? Like, do you actually think that movies are different? Or is it just that we're different and we're experiencing it?

Yeah, I think we're different. I also, though, I will say like, I mean, it's just one person's opinion, but I think I agree. I've been reading, like, Tarantino's book Cinema Speculations, it's about, largely about cinema in the 70s. And that's his favorite era of cinema. And he was on an interview talking about it, movies and like the best times in movies. He looks at the 80s is one of the worst decades in film. And he was like, I'll take that decade any day over what we currently have going on. Tarantino says that?

Yeah, and I think I agree. Because, like, all of the prestige Oscar fair, only, like, most of it is power the slogs. Yeah. And then what's your other option? Super hero movies. That's it. There's no, there's so few. But then that's why a movie, like, everything everywhere, once comes in and crushes it.

So hopefully that'll create a sea chain. a little bit. But also, I will say like Banshees of Inchran, it is the type of movie that it seems like it could be a power of the slog and it's totally not because it is something that like, it's just like too, like a friend that

decides that like Brendan Gleason's like, I don't want to be your friend anymore in this really, really, really, really small town in the middle of nowhere. And Colin Farrell's just like, why? Why do you want to be my friend anymore? And Brendan Gleason is just like, you're boring.

And that's, which is, but then it's about the character work. So I do think that there are chances for, like, it's cool that this, I know obviously it's a big director, so it's not like, oh, it's out of nowhere. But like, it, where a movie could be a power of the slog and then it's not. And then you're so surprised. That was Triumph's Sadness for me. And Triumphs Sadness, I think I liked better than everything everywhere all at once. I, like, like, really liked that movie. It's very good.

Really stuck with me, like the things that happen in it. You know, like just there, when it has iconic moments where I'm just like, God, I need to see it again. That was such a fucking, like, weird waking dream of a movie. But then you have a movie like the Fablemans. And I'm sorry, I couldn't. I heard. One of the only movie, Oscar movies, like, I didn't go to cinema. Yeah.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. I was just like, I don't. I know that it's not like Steven Spielberg being like feel bad for me. I know it's so much more than that. But, um, it, I don't really. you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah.

And I know that there's, I know it's so much more than that, but I still can't break myself to fucking watch it. And I'm just annoyed I can't find a good power this log, like name for it. Yeah. There's not really good, the lame booms. I don't think of name.

Bblemans. The lameblements. Like it's lame. Yeah, they're lame moments. Yeah, sure, I'll call them the, I feel like that would look like lamb boonness. Like there's lambs in it. Which I would be able to be like,

lamb family. I'm in. Oh my God. You mean Mariah Carey. fan base, Lamley, rise up. Also, I like, it's fine for me to be like,

oh, we have a super air movies. I do like a lot of super air movies, but it is a lot. It's too much. And they're better than ever, right? I feel like that's the thing. They're better than ever, but that's almost the problem.

I mean, almost wish they'd start sucking ass because I want new IPs. That's why, man, the Last of Us is so good. I'm so mad that it's over because now my Sunday nights are not going to be,

sexually ruined anymore. How about this? How about this? You want some more video game adaptations? No, I don't. Mortal Kombat the movie. No, everyone's like, I can't believe this video game adaptation is actually good. Like the surprise of it.

Yeah, that's what's so crazy. The second best one is probably Mortal Kombat the movie from the 90s. And you know what? It's not a good movie, but it is still the second best video game adaptation. It's also fun as shit. and I love it, but it's technically not a good, you know, especially compared to The Last of Us TV show. Oh my God, it's so good.

And just their relationship. That article you sent me was so sweet, or that you sent us, was so sweet. So essentially Pedro Pascal wrote Bella Ramsey a really cute note about just the fact that like because of like Game of Thrones that they've become breakout stars together. Like they had a very similar journey together. And he just wrote her this note that essentially is just like, I'm with you and I support you and we're in this together. And that's the thing is he gets uncomfortable about, like, Pedro Pascal as a human being gets uncomfortable about the whole daddy thing, even though he played into it for a while. But, you know, the internet sometimes, oftentimes takes something way too far.

And that is what they have done with it. And that obviously makes him uncomfortable. like you refuse on something he was supposed to read daddy tweets about him. And he was like, no, I'm good. I don't want to do that. I'm okay. But then, you know, it's like, it's like Holden said earlier, he's dressing like he wants it. And he's writing these cute notes.

He's screaming for it. Every time you say it sounds so bad. He's screaming for it. He's yelling for it by the clothes he decided to put on for you left out. No, he's writing these sweet, like fatherly notes. is the quote, how interesting that something so huge and life-changing should happen so early in your life and so laid in mind. It's so pathetic. It's so pathetic. I was like, I was about to turn on you so pathetic. I got the fog of war. So everything is getting

translated into mean, fog of science, fog of COVID. Yeah, yeah. Fog of COVID, fog of science, fog of war. And together we are the, what are we, what's the name of our superhero movie group? The fog, the fog people. No. I guess we're doing the fog to think of the name right now. We're doing the fog to think of the name. The fog people's terrible. I'm not going to get anyone to get.

I feel like I just grew extra arms, you know? It's like the mist except not good. Oh, we're the monsters in the mist. Yeah, we can be the monsters. Yeah, that's good. We'll be the monsters of the mist. Yeah, we're the fog people. We're not the fog people.

That's boring. Oh, that's boring. Jesus Christ, we're never going to be able to leave the building. That's so in a boring. I got to come to L.A., so that when the three of us show up somewhere together, people will be like, here comes the fog, people. And we just float through.

But we have extra arms now, and we don't know how we did it, and then we try to explain to them how they put things underneath our skin to create more skin, and they made us more arms. And then all three. I've got my penis nubs. Oh, yeah. Plotoral simulation left and right. So Lexi's just got a huge smile on her face.

Yeah, a joker smile. I'm like, did you see, do you know how I got these scars? Because Holden got a clitoral nub. And then you cut your cheeks out. You cut, you're cut, sliced your lips. Yeah, that makes sense. That makes sense. Yeah, and then we fogged over and then we all started eating hidden Valley Ranch ice cream.

Oh, yes, we got to talk about the ranch. I can't believe that we weren't ahead of the curve on this one. Because last week, yeah, the big ranch came out with its big ranch ice cream. We have been ahead of the curve. on what Hidden Valley is trying to do to us, which is take over our lives. Yeah. It's too much.

Big Ranch. Yeah, man. Calm down. And apparently the ice cream is good. I'm sure that it is good. Ranch is creamy. I love a savory and sweet mix. And I've learned to love ranch.

I used to really be anti-anything creamy for like most of my life. But I've learned to love ranch, especially on our tour. We usually had a little ranch crudette platter backstage and it was really nice. And now I came home and I bought it. my own bottle of ranch for home, but I don't... Oh, you've got my own home ranch, yeah, just for me, because I don't think my husband likes it, but I don't think that I want it in my ice cream.

Like, I love the Jimmy Fallon. Don't take that. Don't take that sound bit out of context, though, because there's not a lot that I love about Jimmy Fallon, but I do love his potato chip, Ben and Jerry's ice cream, right? Oh, that's an American Dream. It's a different one. Yeah, the potato chip to the ice cream, fantastic.

I don't think I want ranch in the ice cream. Van Lewin is doing it, and they teamed up with the evil Big Ranch, and I'm saying this as a pro-Ranch person. But still, they inundate me with emails. I never signed up for Ranch emails. I don't know why they have my email address. And if I start getting text messages from Big Ranch, I don't know what I'm going to do.

And by the way, the only way to get off that email chain is to find the valid. No, it's impossible to find. It's impossible to find. We don't know where in the world it could be. It's like Carmen Sandiarey. I feel like it's probably next to Lake Gaston. And then they put a bunch of leeches in the ranch. It's all fogged up.

There's leeches in the ranch. That's the new. There's bones in the chocolate. Yes, there's leeches in the ranch. There's leeches in the ranch. T-shirts. I want earmuffs and say that. I want all a whole line.

Well, don't worry. Big Ranch will be right on top of it because they are just, oh, they're spread their spinly fingers, their little salad fingers. Oh my God, it is salad fingers. It's come full circle. This is a pop culture. We have talked. I want to bring up the merch page for Hidden Valley again because remember that

abomination, how many items of ranch clothing you can buy? Oh, yeah. There's lots of ranch clothing. Wait, I do need to ask, and I'm sorry to put you on Blast, MJ, but you did buy Hidden Valley Ranch, right? You didn't buy the offshoot of Ranch. You didn't buy other ranch? Well, now I'm afraid to answer

Because it sounds like there's only one There's only one range Especially if big ranch is listening No, I get my salad dressings From the refrigerated section where the like little You know, and it's not because I'm boozy It's because I'm susceptible to boozy marketing

You know, so if I'm like, oh yeah If it's refrigerated that probably means it's like Has good stuff in it instead of being shelf stable And I'm wrong. It's just a, it's, they're just trying to take my money, but I gave it to them. So I've got some stupid organic ranch that's not hidden valley. That's fine. As long as it's not the like crap ranch.

There's a, there's a time and a place for crap ranch, but you, I mean, if you're And that time of place is dominoes. Sure. You know, yeah, there's certain things for crazy. Exactly. Yeah. Sometimes like you have a craft ranch, you know, that's fine. It works in a pitch.

No, I went the other way. But like, if you're going to town, I do want you both to know that they, are currently selling Hidden Valley Ranch slides. If you can buy your own slides that say Hidden Valley, the original ranch on them. And I kind of want to buy them for Eddie. Get them for Eddie. Of course,

shockingly, I am not a slide guy. I know you're not a slide guy. But Eddie, it just always makes anything like Eddie. I'm a slide guy. You're a slide guy. I love slides. But I just bought the Crocs Margaritaville. You got them?

I finally did it. I bit the boy. Nice. I'm going to do an unboxing video for. For TikTok. I haven't done it yet. But I did, you know, I wanted them last year and they were sold out. And they got back in stock. And it comes, they are Crocs that are, you know, the, they are Jimmy Buffett, Margaritaville, Crocs.

I love Jimmy Buffett, Margaritaville. The song, the restaurant, all of it, I just can't believe you got them. What did you have to do? Stake them out? They were just, they did not. It took me even, like, I spent about 24 hours with the decision before I even went for it. So it wasn't even like a Black Friday situation where you had to be the first one. you know, through the door.

They were there. They seemed to have really restocked an appropriate amount this time. And it was really, I was started getting DMs from people telling me that they come with a bottle opener and a shot glass. Whoa. And so I was like, you know, I need to.

I need to have these. I've already lost the respect of all the parents in the neighborhood by telling them about my podcast. I may as well walk around with a shot glass and a beer bottle opener on my feet. And I am releasing a line of gronky crocs. Oh, good. Corporate.

Buttholes? Is it like a chocolate starfish? There are those that are, yes, that's the giblets, or little butt holes. And if you remember like, jibits, please. Jibits, you remember this slime that came with like Teenage Muti Turtle's action figures? They're filled with that, whatever that is. So, yeah.

A goosh when you walk. Oh, no, does it drip down onto your toes? Yes. So it, like, comes out of the gibbets and it drips all over your toes. Absolutely. It's a slime shoe. It's a first of its kind, a slime shoe crock from Grunkey. Back to you, Jaggy.

Oh. I will say I find something, I have to share something very embarrassing, which is that when I Google Hidden Valley Ranch so that I can go look at the birch, nothing worse than doing that. And then seeing the link to all products already purple because I've already clicked on the all products page of Hidden Valley Ranch.

Yeah, but right now we could all have, it's buy one, get one 50% off, Hidden Valley Ranch, Letterman Jackets. Hell yeah. Fog people, rise up. That's like a Riverdale kind of thing too a little bit, which is fun. Oh, God, it's coming back.

I feel like I'm being tortured. It's coming back. MJ, are you prepared? No, I'm not emotionally prepared for Riverdale. It's like almost back. I was just going to also plug the TikTok again. Page 7 LPN. Sorry to release every single celebrity conspiracy we've done on the show in TikTok form.

So check us out on there. Page 7LP.N. I'm excited for. for your celebrity conspiracy TikToks. It should be fun. Everyone's immediately like, where's Tom Cruise, where's Tom Cruise?

First of all, I'm scared that TikTok's gonna shut me down because they're weird about fucking, which is whatever, by the way. You just can't say any bad words. Okay, I just can't, but I can say... And you can't say the word sex.

So I can say that he had a, a Loufie with a fish. He had a goo-goo. Yeah, he had a goof. But why did Jackie get banned when... Why did you get banned when you suggested that Jason and what's his name, come and get your lasagna.

Oh, Jason Sadecas. Because it was bullying and harassment. Because I said, Jason Sadecas, if you want a salad dressing, you know, it was during the salad dressing of Olivia Wilde's time period. And my TikTok got taken down for harassment. There you go. So hold on. Oh, I right. Oh, okay, harassment.

All I said was come get my lasagna. I got a big lasagna for you. It's pretty aggressive, and it's assault. I'm sorry, I'm a pepper. I didn't mean to do it. This seven-year-old juror just convicted you. You're going to go away for three years. You have to stand in the corner for a timeout.

Oh, come on. Don't put me in time out. I would be so bad at being put into a timeout now. I'd probably just go like, eh, can I use my phone? Yeah, yeah. I don't know what I'd do, actually. Lexi was giving me shit the other day,

because I even look at my phone while I brush my teeth. Wow. She thinks that's addict behavior. Yes, it is. What are you going to? It's a two minute. I'm on a timer with a vibrating brush. Yeah.

It is a full two minutes, bro. Yeah, and you can't just, like, think about other things. That is exhausting. That is so much time in my own head. That makes me want to absolutely commit some kind of, you know, federal offense. You are in therapy, then. Yes. Okay, all right.

All right. We talk about my anger. Just making sure. Do you know how I got these scars? Yeah, I know how you got these scars. Maybe in a celebrity conspiracy you did. Oh, Jesus Christ. Hit me with a share.

Do you believe it? Is T. Swift's biggest fan trying to take over her life? Oh, my God. I'm glad we can't talk about this because I had seen some rumblings of this. This one comes in from Chef Live regular contributor to the show. Yes, thank you so much. I am coming to you with my most half-baked conspiracy theory yet, and it is brought to you by the strain, Jack Herrera.

My favorite sativa strain, by the way, shout-outs to Jack Herrera. That's me saying that, but, Chef, we are one on that. This one goes out to Holden. There is a woman on TikTok who goes by It's Just Ashley, or No, it's Ashley, who has slowly started to morph herself into Taylor Swift. She even got a lookalike cat that looks exactly like Taylor Swift's cat and she makes videos with let me I don't have the link Look up know it's Ashley on Online if you guys will to look how look at how freaky this is

Swiftie actually spelled a S-H-L-E-Y Yes and it's no it's Ashley or it's just Ashley Wow Yes I see it it's It's weird right it's really weird and especially the look-alike cat part I don't know if you've seen any of those videos. Recently, she was asked to go to the Grammys with a brand, and when she got to L.A., the brand basically decided to un-invite her to the Grammys. She was really upset about the un-invite because she had already flown out there and spent the money to travel, so she made

a series of videos where she was very upset and called out the brand. And then she made some follow-up videos where she contacted the CEO of the Grammys for some reason, which everyone thinks is very weird, because why would the Grammys, an event that Taylor Swift would most likely be attending, invite a Taylor Swift look-like to the red carpet. So, of course, it's brought up a lot of questions and led people to wonder why this adult woman with a husband and two kids has dedicated her life to looking and acting exactly like Taylor Swift, even her screen name, no, it's Ashley. It comes from one of her more viral videos where she's walking down the street.

A fan thinks it's Taylor Swift because she's looking just like her, wearing like clothes she's worn before, and they start freaking out that you can hear her friends go, no, it's just Ashley. It's not Taylor. It's just Ashley. So it's very strange. Now she's backtracking a bit to try to say that she just happens to look like Taylor Swift. And now that she has changed the way she looks dramatically to look like Taylor Swift, it all just seems very fishy. And I think she might be trying to get close enough to Taylor like she's, let's say, on the Grammy's red carpet where she could make a body snatch switcheroo and just trade lives with Taylor. I will say before I even got this email in, I actually had hit me. I was like, oh yeah, like there's a lot of hate for her. A lot of Swifties not into this. Understandably. A lot of human beings not into this. I am so creeped out.

It's weird. It's really weird. I mean, I... It's one thing if you're like an Elvis lookalike or something and you get hired for events, but like you don't walk around looking like... You're not getting the same cat and doing the whole like that's and like, I'm weirded. I mean, I can't be like if I was Taylor Swift, obviously I'm not. going to be a huge celebrity like that.

But like if I, like if someone was, I, you know what? I'm putting it out into the universe because I am going to be as big as Taylor Swift someday. And she's not big at all. She's actually very thin. But I, I would be terrified by someone that literally, like even, especially down to the haircut, it's the cat that really puts me over the edge. It's so much.

All right, you look like her. Yeah, get a TikTok following off it. Do fun, different things of you singing videos. But to go as far as far. is to get the same cat as she has. You know what it is? I don't know why that creed. That is my boundary.

For me, it's the husband and two kids part. I feel like this is something maybe someone who's like in their early 20s. Yes, that's what I was expecting also. You know what I mean? To like dedicate your life. It's like you got a family. Like what are you doing? Like what is this?

Agree. Yeah. Does she make money? I mean, I guess she makes money off this. Oh, she must have sponsored deals and stuff. It's so weird. I agree it's strange. It's totally fine to be an impersonator for a living.

But, you know, it's the whole TikTok shit, man. And it's so funny because it's just, it's skewing everything in a weird way. Because in a way she is hired to do it. Like if she's big on TikTok for this, then she's got to lean into it, right? I was just watching, we finally got around to watching the first episode of the new season of Drag Race. And there are three queens on there that are TikTok famous and have, like, almost barely performed live in drag shows. Really?

Yeah, and it's like this new thing where it's like, and they don't know what they're, like all, they have weird problems with their wigs and they're, like, that you would only know by performing with a bunch of queens all the time. Right, especially because the show especially is so much about like the specific culture of like the rooms of drag, like, right?

It's like, are you ballroom? Are you, yeah, it's like about the specific in-person communities and spaces where you learn how to do drag. That particularly as an art form is a weird thing. And I am so scared because I know that I'm going to sound like an older person just being like, I don't understand this new thing that young people like. But it is like definitely an adjustment to be like people are honing skills on TikTok. And I don't think that it's not skills.

It is skills, right? It's just a different set of skills. I don't have. Yes, exactly, right? And so like, that was like, exactly, you don't have it, Holden. But that's how I feel to. I'm like, I don't know how to do this. And some people do.

And it's a great set of knowledge and skills. And I admire it. But also, yeah, I think there's something lost if performance shifts fully to the realm of like your phone rather than like, you know, a physical space with other people. It's just making things weird as why I brought that example up. So I believe this woman's nuts. What do you think, Jackie? you believe she's trying to take over Taylor Swift's life? I mean, I hope she doesn't for the sake of, like, her children.

But I guess, yeah, she's probably going to do that. It's odd to think I'm going to go to the Grammys. That's when it gets weird. It's like, you belong in a showroom in Vegas with this. Yes. You don't belong at the actual event as if you've actually done something that would warrant you to be at the Grammys. Yes.

That's what throws me off. Yes. And what if you're really Taylor Swift in this, this, person is there. Like, I, it is intimidating. It's strange. It's, it's, yeah, I don't, I don't want to use the stalker word, but it does feel like inappropriate.

Well, we should get across that like every single one of those pictures, she looks styled exactly like Taylor Swift, specifically from the, like, 1989 era of tag. Yeah. Like, maybe a little bit of reputation. Like, she is, it's not just that she like kind of looks like Taylor Swift. It's that you can tell she's done. everything she can to hone herself. She's replicated. The lipstick.

Everything is replicated. Yeah. To make her look like her. Chef Liv also says, P.S. Jackie, I'm giving you some book recommendations. You have to check out the Crave series of books. I really think they're right up your alley. You told me about these and I'm excited. And spoiler alert by Olivia Dade.

M.J. Spoiler alert. M.J. I recently realized that I actually used to be drinking buddies with your husband approximately 100 years ago. What? He used to bring his own Lord of the Ring Burger King Goblet that lit up the bar to the... Sounds right.

I didn't read the bar! I didn't read the bar! I didn't read the bar! I have to fact-check this. I'm going to text them. Wait a second. All right. It's a little weirdly worded.

He used to bring his own Lord of the Riggs Burger King question mark. She's unclear if it was a Burger King sponsored thing. Goblet that lit up to the bar for happy hour. And I still think about that basically all the time. Lull. Can you confirm this? I'm texting him now. Let's see if we can get this. I will say it's 100% believable. I don't even, yeah, okay.

So I texted, did you used to have a Lord of the Rings goblet? He wrote back in seconds. Yeah, it lit up. I think it might have been for your kid. Oh, you never mind. This Ashley girl said, your husband is completely out of, out of, What do you think it lights up? That's awesome.

He sent me a picture of it. He said I used to, yeah, he named the bar that he used to bring it to. Why are you making a sad face, Gideon? He made a sad face. Maybe because he can imagine how we are guffaw at him right now. Yeah, yeah. Well, Chef Liv, let him know, Chef Liv remembers. He said he's making a sad face because it's dead.

That's why he misses it. Yeah, he sent me a link to it on Poshmark. It does look pretty cool, actually. M.J. M. Christmas gift. You got to write that down. Write that down.

Write that down. Write that down to your notes. Right that down to your notes. Right fucking now. That is such a good. She's going to lose his mind if you find that somewhere. Okay. I'm copying the link to it right.

God. He's in the house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I won't remember this. I will remember. I will not remember it. Oh, I'm looking at it now. Now I get it.

I can see. I mean, I had a skull light up mug that was from Halloween horror nights that I used for a while until it died. No, it's normal to love the goblet. It's weird to take it to the bar and force the bartender to fill your... Oh, man, I had all of these...

This was his, like, home... This was his, like, home bar. He was, like, best friends with the bartender. So I'll bet the bartender was... Bring it in! Yeah. That's so funny. But I wonder if this was when he was not drinking

or when he was drinking, because that also would be funny to be drinking a Shirley Temple out of this. that. The Lord of the Rings light up goblet. But, wow, what a discovery. I wasn't expecting that. That's amazing. Yeah.

But were you expecting the list? Oh! Who's on the list? Checking. Gotta have that list. Well, this goes hand in hand with the ranch conversation we were having earlier. 13 non-food innovations from fast food chains. I

wish that I could find this and get this for you. Holden McNeely, the McDonald's. McChispy Ultimate Game. chair. It even has side tables where you can put your fries. Oh, that looks fucking awesome. It has a snack and play simultaneously with grease-proof leather, a burger warmer, pillows for your neck and lower back, and two modular armrest extensions for holding your burger. It looks like a really nice gaming chair, like no cap. No cap on it. It does look like... Nicola said no cap? Yeah, I thought you were young for a second. And then I thought, you're going to have

to do jury duty. Oh my God. Put him a jury duty. 90 plus. I can't remember if we talked about this back in the day. I think this was before we started talking about food apparel. But KFC used to have edible chicken flavored nail polish that you could put on. And that is just seems really, I

don't know if you guys, I wasn't myself, but my best friend was like a big picker and always picking on things. I know that that is obviously an anxiety manifestation. But you're just going to eat your nail polish? Doesn't that make it worse for people that bite their nails? So you put on nail polish to try and get you to not bite your nails? Yeah, that's true. That's just going to get you to start biting your nails.

I was going to ask you. I was like, is edible nail polish the thing? But I think I can answer that now based off your reaction. Yeah, I want to eat your nails. Also, I feel like this is the thing about the chicken-scented gibbets and the ranch-scented, you know, merch and the chicken-scented nail polish is that there are certain tastes that you deeply enjoy eating. And then as soon as you're done eating them, you want to get the smell off your hands. Yes. And I think that that's for me, that's the case with almost all like spicy, savory things. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. A Dorito. You know, I love it when I

I'm going to wash my hands. And then if I keep smelling it on my hands afterwards, I really get very upset and I need to wash my hands. And so the idea of my hands smelling like, I just ate greasy chicken all day is like makes me start to have a panic attack. Yeah. And just constantly just. You had even think about that. You would never feel like you would never feel like you just took your hands out of a KFC bag, you know, which just isn't a great feeling. I wasn't even thinking about the fact that their phrase that their slogan is finger licking good, which is part of their. Yeah.

Yeah. Yep. I think that like ever like since COVID as someone that used to like after Doritos I would lick the the dust off my fingers before I would wash them yeah but now I'm so scared of putting my hands which honestly is for the best that I'm not just putting my fingers in my mouth anymore but now the idea of just like scraping it off with your teeth trying to get all the dust off really um maybe it's just right now I'm truly disgusted by it But would you be disgusted or seduced by TGI Friday's mobile mistletoe drone?

Disgusted. In December of 2014, a mobile mistletoe drone hovered over patrons to initiate makeouts in exchange for prizes. Missile toe is an interesting thing in 2023, don't we think, a little bit? Yeah. You have to, you know, a conversation around consent and stuff like that. And now that I think about it, mistletoe hasn't really been. in the holiday experience, I feel like, for a few years since I think me too.

No, because it's coercive. Yes, Harvey Weinstein also destroyed mistletoe. Yes, it is adorable from someone that you kiss on a regular basis, but I think that it is an impetus for people to disrespectfully act. And if it's attached to a drone, a drone, which apparently during a demonstration in Brooklyn, a photographer got hit in the face by the drone, causing cuts to her chin and the end of her nose to be chipped off.

That's the thing. If you got a drone, I'm sorry, but I believe that if you have a drone, that drone's gonna take someone's face out. I just don't, I don't, I'm afraid of drones, the little recreational ones that people have because how many stories are there about people getting a drone right to the head, you know?

So keep that mistletoe drone away from me, man. Yes, especially hovering right up. above you. I don't trust anyone. And especially if TGI Fridays is the one who is in charge of it, they don't know if you're with a person or not. So you're just going to put it over someone and be like, make out you get a prize. Like that's such a, it's so funny because it's such a 2014 thing. Like that's so like that wouldn't fly now. Get it because it's a drone. It wouldn't fly. I'd rather get a free pizza and bucket pizza. But McDonald's used to get. about pedometers in their happy meals.

These step-it pedometers found in happy meals were a feeble attempt to prove McDonald's cares about health. Maybe they just needed proof that kids don't care about their step or calorie count. What a funny time in McDonald's history. And they were like, we're offering salads in a tube. Yes. And it was just like, guys, it's not going to happen. You definitely want to lean into the other way.

Like, you're only associated with, like, stop trying, like, the middle of it all. is such a bad idea. Just be... In fact, I'm kind of pissed. You can't get it like big, Chuck Lard style anymore. You know what I mean? I can't go in and give me a lot.

I'd be like, give me the trough... Trophy size. The trophy size. It's so much more conservative. Yeah, super size is McDonald's. Yeah. Biggie size was Wendy's, right? Yeah, then there was that documentary

that, I think, in retrospect... Killed all the fun. Yeah. Killed all the fun. And also, I think, was pretty morally dubious to look back on. and, you know, now it's just like, I mean, the idea of giving pedometers to kids to be like, eat here, but then count your calories, you know.

Think about your calories. I know, that's also terrible. That's such a bad, you know, that was such a harrowing part of, I'm glad my mom died was when her mom's had her counting calories at like such a ridiculously early age. It's not something you should ever be aware of as a child. Yes. And honestly, into adulthood. But as a child, you should not have.

have any understanding of calorie counts. Yes. No. Agree. But you should be able to fold your McDonald's happy meal box. This is very funny. McDonald's VR headsets, all right? They're not VR headsets, but promoting it as a VR headset.

McDonald's and Sweden had kids refold their happy meal box, put an iPhone inside of it, and put it up to their face inside of the grease-stained happy meal box that you just put a phone inside of me like, oh, I get it to VR. That's not a VR. That's holding your phone up way too close to your face. And it doesn't even, it looks like the kids holding the box up. So it's not

even, doesn't even strap to your face. You can't even enjoy it. You used to hold it to your face. Like, that's just a box. Yeah, there's such better options for like converting your phone into a VR headset. There's like so many way better ways to do that with like cheap, you know, they're all like

cardboard base and stuff, but still like and they have little lenses in them. I had one at one point, actually just playing around with it because you can put certain VR style videos on your phone and if you have the right little thing, but this is probably not the best way to do it. No, I guess not. And you know what, don't worry.

Hidden Valley Ranch wasn't the first thing to make its own fashion line. And I don't know if KFC was, but apparently KFC had like a big, like during British Fashion Week, designer Katie Erie and her team of 100 designers completed KFC's challenge to create a number of original garments in one hour. It was aimed at promoting their new KFC rice box and actually they're kind of fun outfits versus just a sweatshirt that says the word ranch on it. Yeah, these are nice. This is actual merch, unlike the Hidden Valley merch. Put some ranch on it.

Why? You don't want the swimsuit that says I put ranch on my ranch? Holda McNally appreciates Hidden Valley and all of their efforts. Please don't send me emails every day for your products as a punishment. You're going to get it. Now everybody's getting it. Oh no, we just talked about ranch enough. Everybody who listens

to this episode is going to get I'm sorry. Everybody's getting spammed and we're all going to end up being covered in ranch apparel by the end of the year. I'm scared of it. I'm saying it. It goes well with bucket hats.

Yeah. It does go out. Like ranch apparel. Peral goes really well with bucket hats. And sunglasses inside. Even if I get an email, I wouldn't be able to see it. I think I'm going. Blind. Items.

Oh, we can't see them. Apparently after a break-in last year, this illiterate model who codes keeps a collection of very important photos of her former best friend in a safe deposit box at a bank. That kind of makes it tough to reminisce, but it is some really good insurance. The T-sway one. The one that everybody says that... Yeah, what's your name? It's Kay's.

Yes, it's K's. Everyone cares with K. It's not every kiss begins with K. Oh, sorry. How do you not know that slogan? Everyone appears. It's the Fog of War. It's the Fog of War.

You know I have the Fog of War. Fogmoor. Prejudice. Prejudice. Pregionist. Jackie's being Prejudice. I have the Fog of War. I have my card.

Don't come at Fog of Science with this. Wait. Describe. Carly, Carly, Carly, Carly Closs! Yes. Carly Clause and Taylor Swift, she actually has a computer coding camp. She recently launched called Code with Carly. Whoa.

That's why she's a supermodel that codes. I thought it was like a gay thing, but no. Oh, I thought that's what it meant. I don't know, it might be a double meaning or something because she actually started a computer coding. Oh. And she's really into coding. I thought that's what it meant. I know.

That's why I thought I meant too, but I think it might mean that actually. But it also means that she code. she's actually learned to code. Oh, cool. It's just kind of hilarious. But anyways, yeah, I bet she does. I bet it's steamy those pictures. Ooh.

Ooh. You're being a real no, it's Ashley right now. Yes. Yes, it's holding. Yes, it's grumpy. It is funny that we're like, okay, no, it's Ashley being really creepy to Taylor Swift. And Holden has his whole bit in our live show about how he will kill a man and wear her skin. Yeah, I'll kill a guy.

I'll kill a guy. Spoilers him, James. But also, speaking of, we are going to have tour dates coming at you guys soon. We've got more tour dates coming at you very, very soon. So hold on your butts because we've got a bunch of tour dates coming up. Pretty much all the places people were screaming about us needing to go to. Almost all of them. We're coming back for you, baby.

We're coming for you, y'all. Well, let's see if we can come for this person. I bet you would Jackie and MJ. Has anyone seen the former tween slash teen? actor turned a list adult actor apologized for spreading STDs around his one-night stands that he says he doesn't have while he

drinks even though he says he is sober every night and he cheats on his girlfriend but yeah he is the victim he who both of you oh you swoon and it's disgusting you love him for his hat that he wears and you wear similar hats. Jughead Cole Sprows

Yes oh is this after that we didn't even talk about it on the leftovers we're talking about leftovers come check us out over on Patreon.com slash page 7 podcast. We are going to talk about the yucky, weird, Cole Spouse interview where he's, like, smoking the cigarette inside the entire time. I love that that's the thing you're freaking out about.

Again, though, it's like Jackie. As some of it is an over-smoker. Talking about a hypocrisy with me with the T-Smith thing, you, you used to smoke inside all the time. I know, but that was years ago, and now I think about, like, what I smelled like all the time, smoking cigarettes inside. Yeah, it was tobacco and calm.

Get inside of my own home. I would never go to someone else's place and smoke a cigarette inside. Well, yes, the Riverdale Star gave credit to his girlfriend of two years Ari Fornier for improving his life, saying it's in no small part thanks to her. This is from an appearance on the Call Her Daddy podcast. I've been sober for a year and some change now, which has been really great for me. Cole went on to say, it allowed me to do the self-work and the professional work that has allowed me to really ask myself questions

as an adult for the first time in my life. I hope that he's not actually secretly still drinking. That sounds good to me, Cole. But you need to keep that leech-ridden, bumpy dick in your pants. Oh, God, he's been in too many lakes. There are, of course, lots of blinds about how he did not treat Lily Reinhardt well. So, we hope that he's grown. And I will say, just for everyone to know if you don't listen to River Day,

I don't think that we sexually want Cole Spouse anymore. So I don't mean to speak for both of us. He's got the Galapagos Islands on his genitals. I don't think anyone wants to be anywhere near that. Of leeches, no. This A-list mostly movie actor known for dating a certain type of woman had his own fashion show

while out of the country last week. Booking agents sent him two dozen women to model for him in different clothing to see if he could find his next girlfriend. Leonardo DiCaprio? That's right. Wow. I believe it.

I absolutely believe it based on actual knowledge from actual other people's experiences potentially with him. MSN reported that Leonardo DiCaprio is said to be desperate to overhaul his reputation for only dating models and actresses aged under 25. A source close to Leo told Daily Mail that, quote, Leo is very single right now and he is not keen on the hype suggesting that he is seeking out these very young women. He is looking for something more mature in the relationship department. It is just ridiculous because he cannot go anywhere without being linked to the youngest beautiful woman there. He wants to ditch this image once and for all and he is really bothered that this continues to follow him. And I hope he's so, that's true, I hope he's so bothered by this.

Bothered by the truth. Bothered by your choices, dude. Actual girlfriends that he actually dates. It's just a real thing. And buddy, it is what it is. But you got to be getting bored at this point A little bit, right? What am I to say?

These guys love that fucking young muff. But you've got to be getting a little bored with the convos, bro. Yeah, it's just like, we've all had like unlucky in love streaks, but the idea that Leo DiCaprio, you know, one of the hottest most famous men in America like can't find a girlfriend who's over 25.

He's just like, it's difficult for him, MJ. It's hard. It's hard. It's hard for him. Hard to like the way it's cut. It's when a young lady walks down. Like, yeah, until he finds out she's 26 and then it goes, yuck, ew, and then it gets all flimsy and floppy in his plan.

Like, dude, I was the exact right age when Titanic came out. I was in sixth grade. I am now 37. You can find somebody who thirsts for you based on your body of work who is in their mid to late 30s. This backs the question. M.J. Would Gideon allow you to date Leonardo DiCaprio?

Is that on the table? if I had him as my exception. I think Idris is my, like, my main exception. Sorry, Leo. This is the problem. Everybody's got a different hall pass than Leo. What is he supposed to do? Yeah.

Well, not anymore. Like, I mean, if I was 14 and you're giving me, like, you know, growing pains, Leonardo DiCaprio, sign me up. Yeah, what about Gilbert? Or Romeo plus Juliet. Or Gilbert Graham. Gilbert Graham. I wanted to fuck that boy in that movie.

I mean, Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp in that movie. movie, talk about like Benny and June era, Johnny Depp, Mamma Mia. Hachimachi, I fucking... You're shaking. And I can't see! Yes, welcome back to the seeing world. And thank you, everybody, for joining us in our weird fog world today.

And I... And you'll better get on out of here. I was foggorn, leghorn. Get foggy with it. No, no, no, nah, nah, nah, no. Give Foggy. Power of the Fawn. How about Power of the Fong?

He's the Power of the Fong. He slapped a man on stage. Isn't that interesting? Not in this Oscars. Thank you guys so much for joining us today for our Oscar talk. My name is Jackie Zabrowski. You can follow me on Instagram at Jack That Worm. You can also hit up bigjacky.com if you want to get your own fucking hat.

And come hang out with me on Sundays. and Tuesdays and Wednesdays over on Twitch.com. forward slash, oh, no, it's Jackie. We have so much fun. And also on Fridays, I hang out with Holden over on his Twitch, and you should come hang out for that. Hell yeah, I'm holding the mad coward McNeely. You can check me out on Twitch, Monday through Friday,

Twitch.com.com forward slash Holdenator. So Jackie joins me every Friday at 6 p.m. ET, Twitch.tv.tv.4 slash Holdenator. So got to again say page seven podcast at gmail.com for all that jazz. send us the conspiracy theories and blind items and everything. Don't say anything mean about me because I don't deserve it. I'm a good person and father. So don't say anything mean.

And I didn't say anything bad today. You know it's true when you have to say it. Stop writing it trying to get me fired for my job. Please stop to give me, Jackie. It's annoying. Also, uh, Patreon.com, 4. slash page 7 podcast as well. Weekly bonus content, a kind of a ridiculous amount for the $5 layer and add

free episodes, $5 a month, $10 a month. We are just finishing flavor of love. We're going to move on to something else, but join us on the $10 layer for our weekly watchalongs on Thursday where we enjoy some trash reality as a crew. Again, Patreon.com forward slash page 7 podcast. My name is MJ. I don't like COVID-19, and I am MJ K-L-K-L-Kat on Instagram. Hot take.

Hot take. Don't even cancel me either, man. But now it's time for the shout-out song. Shout, shout, shout, let it all out. These are the emails that you wrote it about. Come on. We're going to read them to you. Come on.

Thank you guys so much for sending in your shout-outs and your hi-hellows over to page 7 podcast at gmail.com. I really appreciate it every week and it always brings a smile to my face. we've got some silly times here today. And I love it. Laura's got a shout out. I think that they're shouting out their husband. The other night I was listening to the pod late with my AirPods on.

I kept hearing a deep thumping in the background and was thinking, well, they all live in big cities. Maybe there's some loud bass around them that's being picked up on the mic. After several minutes, I took my AirPods out and realized that the booming noise was not only not from the pod, but was from my husband snoring, bleeding through noise cancel headphones. Clearly, this function doesn't work well enough.

Hashtag end cancel culture. Love Laura. So much love to you, Laura. And man, that's got to be a racket. But you know what? Congratulations that you usually sleep through that. And I say, Mazel.

This is a hot tip for MJ and I, but I wanted to share because, Jessica, I think that you're just tapping into. It makes me think of like the magic eraser tip as well. Well, Jessica says, I just listened to Jackie and MJ want to try frownies. I used them for many years and they work great.

However, I found something cheaper, more comfortable, and that works better. Just buy silicone medical scar tape. You can get it at any store like CVS or online. Cut the pieces to fit wherever you want. It stays on better and is way more comfortable to sleep in. I also noticed a way bigger difference in the morning versus frownies. It's been my secret to prevent wrinkles for ages. if you guys try it and like it.

Jessica, I'm totally going to try this out. And I hope that you do it home as well. That's why I wanted to pass it along. Thank you so much, Jessica. And now this, I'm just, I'm choosing to shout it out. Amanda, I don't even know if you wanted this shout it out. But I love this game. And now I want to play this game, even though I understand and it sounds scary in practice.

Jackie talking about Manhunt jogs something from deep in my memory, and I just had to share. When my two sisters and I were kids, we played something called sardines in a can. Similar to Manhunt, you play at night with all the lights off, but you get no flashlight. The entire group counts while one person runs and hides. If someone finds you, they have to hide with you until only one person is left looking. Nothing is more terrifying than cramming yourself into a small space and hearing someone come into the room only to walk back out or worse, find you then quietly

try to shove themselves into the same space. It felt like a horror movie when their groans or giggles were giving away your position and they start to feel like a liability. I used to purposely hide in a cupboard just big enough for one person because nobody would look there or if they did, they'd try to figure out what the hell they were going to do. Pretty sure this game is where my anxiety comes from. Love Amanda, I just wanted to show you out because I love the anxiety. that is emanating from this description.

And I love you guys so much, and I appreciate you writing into page 7 podcasts at gmail.com. Thank you guys. You always put a smile on my face, and I really appreciate it. And I hope that you guys are having a good week. I hope that you're making it through. March, it comes in like a line.

It goes out like a lamb. We have to remember. The lamb is cometh. The lamb is coming. Love you guys, and I will talk to you next week. M-W-A. This show is made. possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors. You can support our shows by supporting

them. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to lastpodcastnetwork.com.