Page 7 - Ep. 488: Ralph the Slumlord Turtle

Episode Date: April 6, 2023

This week we're gossin' 'bout if we had a turtle we wanted to kiss, which TMNT we could fix, and which is a SNOREGASM, SUMMER TOUR DATES DROPPIN' THE END OF THIS WEEEEEEEEEEEK (SEE U SOON IN THE FLESHBAG), gOOp winning in the lowest stakes lawsuit to capture the publics attention, an extra positive April Real's Day Toast happening April 19th (on Holden's twitch) to help mend those broken spirits, a roundup of companies April Fool's Day stunts and the ones that made Jackie smile, the newest season of Love Is Blind and how the show is rapidly consuming the lives of all those around (not to mention THE Song) with bonus philosophical reflection upon the ramifications of Reality TV, and in Celebrity Conspiracy Corner; Is Tyler Perry Will Smith in A Silicone Mask??!? A list that's too good to get past the first one, blindz with a side dash of whatever Florence Pugh's grandmother uses to season her food, and SHOUTS!!!! Want even more Page 7? Support us on Patreon! Patreon.com/Page7Podcast Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Oh, Jackie had a bit of a revelation in her monster thrust need, and it began with Teenage Mutantaget turtles. Whoa. Teenage Mutage Mutant turtles. Teenage Mutual. It's Teenagers, Jackie. Heroes and a half shell. Dental power.

These are barely legal teens, Jackie. I have so many questions. All right. For some reason, so we were talking about it in chat. Come hang out over on my Twitch. Oh, no, it's Jackie. because we were talking about it in chat, and I realized that Michelangelo was one of my first crushes.

And that I think that that's where it all really started from. Because we were getting into the nitty-gritty. You know, Lisa Rose and I, we were playing a dating sim where you could either date a raptor who skateboards, or you could date a fairy who is a book nerd, or you could date a Sasquatch, or you could date like, ooh, a really goth ghost. and she's really hot.

But then I was thinking about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and how deeply in love with Michelangelo I was. But did you have one of these from teenage, like, were you obsessed with April? Were you obsessed with any of the turtle? I mean, Michelangelo was my number one, of course.

He was the weed token, pizza eating, joke making. Yeah. In hindsight, I'm like, oh, he was like, I was immediately drawn to that stoner life. Wow. You know what I mean? That's what he was. Like, he's just scarfed pizza and made jokes.

And he was the fun-loving bro of the Turtle Squad. I was obsessed with Teen Junior Nitch Turtle's a kid. I had the Technodrome. I had that drill van thing. Oh, yeah. I remember the drill van. I had the blimp. I had the sewer.

And I had all the Turtle Squad and the Foot Clan and Splinter and Shredder. I mean, we could go on for ages of what I had. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Michael Angelo, shaped Jackie's sexuality, but he shaped whole self. Personality. Yeah. Personality. Yeah. For sure. I was like, I want to be up with this crew right here with this bro in particular, you know,

because Leonardo, the leader, whatever. He's such a square. See, I was between Michelangelo and Donatello, though. Yeah. And then, like, being this conversation of it, too, that Donatello in the, like, the foresum of the personalities, oftentimes is seen as like that character, that intellectual, that like introspective character is usually played by a woman, which makes sense of how I'm being sexual.

Right. Of course. Because I also was kind of into Donatello. Yeah, yeah. Because he's so smart, you know? Like he was like the like the more silent, like smart type. You know, it was like, April O'Neill was like, I wasn't ready for it.

You know what I mean? It was like felt weird. It was like, wow, I guess there's like a girl with these bros as well. I'm like, that's weird. But then question for you, is April a full, full grown woman? Was there any sexuality between the teenagers and the full grown woman? She's a newswoman. I think she just helps the crew.

I don't, well, Ralph, or Raphaia. Ralph. The slum lord turtle that hangs out with them. Yeah, he talks like this. He says, give me here, April. Yeah, let me give that yellow suit a squeeze. Raphael had like a very Rushmore-esque vibe with April, right? Like he had a huge crush in her, but he was too young,

or I guess a more updated version, like a licorice pizza. Yes. But did she flirt back? I don't think she was there to help the crew, man. She wanted to just take down evil ninja lords, you know what I mean? And like live in a safer town. All right, I think her intentions were pure, okay? Now did Raphael want to fucking take as whatever that was?

going on down there. I don't even know what can be going on. And be one, when two become one, via the Spice Girls with her, yeah. I mean, that's the song they'd be listening to for sure. Yes. But I don't think that it was reciprocated. You know what I mean? It was like, oh, Raphael, someday you'll find true, you know, or not because you're a weird turtle mutant man, but like probably you'll figure something out because you guys are famous. You know what I mean? But it was definitely one of those, I think, relationships. As far as I can remember, no, no, Because that's the thing too. In the movie, she shacks up with Casey Jones.

You mean Casey Jones and me? Is that what it's about? Yes. Is it about April? Is it from the perspective of April? The hockey mask and he's banging April O'Neil because everybody wants to bang her to. Raphael's in the corner.

Super Matt wants to fuck April, but no Casey. Yeah, it's all that whole song is stupid and is about that relationship. I don't know, guys. I'm on a fandom for April O'Neill, and it says she's not your average teenage girl. Whoa. Really?

Well, wait, maybe that's a newer iteration, because how can she be a full-fledged news reporter, MJ, and be a teenager? I mean, it just makes no sense. I'm just reporting the news, man. Don't be mad at me. Yeah, no, also this is, who knows whether this particular TMN-T fandom Wiki is accurate

but does say she's 5-1 and 16 years old. Also, the 5-1 doesn't really track for me because she always was, maybe it's just the turtles are so short because she's always kind of taller than the turtle crew. You'd think the turtles would be big, right? They're mutant.

I like that our primary concern is the age difference rather than the species difference. I think that shows how inclusive and accepting we are. Well, I think I've talked about this on this show, but I'm just remembering, so there is a T.HB. Newtrials parody porn because there is a famous born star named April O'Neill. And there's this really hot scene between her and Casey Jones

that I've enjoyed in the past. But in order to watch it, for some reason they have as background noise, the Teenaging Ninja Turtles like practicing with each other. So you just hear like, huh, huh, ugh. Like, wow, like this blowjops happening. And it's so funny. It throws you off so hard.

I have to, like, mute it just to enjoy it. It's so funny. And Casey Jones is like, where's the mask? The whole time. It's so bizarre. Weird. Weird. Yeah, yeah, but it's a lot of fun.

But she's awesome. She's really into pinball and plays a lot of pinball out here. Whoa. Yeah, yeah. MJ, did you have a turtle you wanted to kiss? I'm trying to remember. I mean, I obviously watched it because I'm a millennial. Yes.

And I obviously, but I think that, like, I don't really, like, all, you guys are going into a level of, like, textual knowledge of, like, the canon of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles that I certainly cannot keep up with. I remember that Michelangelo was the cool, fun one. Right. I do remember that, was it Donatella was kind of like a, kind of a school marm, like keeping everybody on track, you know? Introspective.

Yeah, kind of the responsible one. Yeah, and Raphael was like the rebel. Yeah. And Leonardo was the leader. Raphael was the I can fix him one. Like, yes. For sure. I mean, my main memory was, I was a very, very, very picky eater and I basically

only ate pizza. Yes. So I remember really relating to them on that level. But again, this was, I must have been four or five. Jackie, I'm surprised that you have such a, because you're a little younger than me, and I feel like I was very young at peak Ninja Turtle. I was still in the like- Was John not into, because like Henry was very into the Ninja Turtles.

No, he was, he was. But I just remember I was young enough that like my main way of relating to the turtles was like, what color were they? Not really what their personality was. You know, so I liked the blue one, you know. But like, I just feel like that. You guys, again, here you guys, talk about...

That tracks. You would have liked... I'm realizing I can't hang. No, no, no. But Leonardo would have been your boy for sure. Like, he's the leader. He's the, like, political one. Yeah.

He's balanced. He's the noble one. Really square. He's in bed by nine. He's, you know what I mean? What are you saying about me, Holden? He's in bed by nine, and I mean nine eight. He goes about that early.

That's how early he goes about. He's fighting crime all night long. Listen, just because I couldn't match you to Tequila shot for. tequila shot when we were on tour. It doesn't mean I'm in bed by 9 a. Oh my God. I did match you for the first two

tequila shots every night. You just had to stop after that. No, I remember in Chicago you kept up and that was the problem. Yeah, yeah. That the problem was you. I bet. That you did.

I know you can do it. I just know you choose not to. Yeah, and you kept calling the audience phonies. And you're like, what is why? Yeah, I do become Holden Callfield after two and a half tequila shot. You ordered a call girl and then she showed up and then you were like just got awkward.

and, like, told her to go away. It was like a weird. Just weeping. Yeah, you just crying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then obviously, yeah, we found you at a merry-go-round. And we're like, how'd you even find a merry-go-round? You know, like, how is that?

And then you dressed up like Leonardo, because you are the Leonardo now dog. And then that got really weird. But I do want to talk about our tour dates because we finally got our cities. And yes, tickets are going on sale by the end of this week at lastpodastnetwork.com. Where are we going, guys? Oh my God, we're going to Salt Lake City. We're going to Denver. We're going to Vegas.

We're going to Portland. We're going to Tacoma. We're going to Oklahoma City. We're going to Kansas City. Fuckers, we're going to Toronto. St. Louis, Detroit, Columbus, Nashville, Atlanta. We're going to Florida. We don't know if we're going to Tampa or Orlando yet, but we're going to one of those.

And isn't that insane? It is a summer of tour. Come get us. Come find us. We're going to have so much fun this summer. How excited are you both to leave your families again? Rock and roll, party fever forever, bro. Gotta drink tequila.

And it's all spread out too, which is kind of nice. So at least it'll pull. We won't have that, like, pressure on our family. We're not going away for too long anytime. But that also means May, June, July, and September. We're skipping August, the heirs tour. Well, it's Leo month. It's my birthday.

It's a whole thing. Everybody summers in August will be summering. Yeah, we're summering and bummering. We say this as if we had a choice in this. We don't. But wouldn't it be nice if we're like, it's my birthday month and Holden is seeing the air of course. You guys have the whole month off.

This is, this tour, though, is like, I think even bigger than the first tour. Yeah. I'm like, I am so excited. Little daunted. I'm like, oh my gosh, we have to sum up. I didn't listen. I thought that my performing day, not only my having fun days,

but, you know, my performing days, my staying out late days, talk about Leonardo. I really thought that all of that was behind me. And this, the first leg of the release, the Butthole Cut tour was so much fun,

like to be on stage and also just to be with each other. Those are the two things I find myself missing ever since the tour ended, being with you guys. Oh, yeah. Yeah. The exciting thrill of performing.

And I'm extremely, extremely excited that we get to do it again. And I'm excited that we get to keep the show alive because it is such a fun show. And it's timeless. And I'll also throw it out there. If we are going to any of these towns, this is a very specific situation, if we're going to any of these towns on a specific date that is right near an heiress tour date. And you, listener, have an extra ticket.

I will offer you the Holden McNeely experience. The full Holden McNeely experience, you take me to the show. I'll get your drinks. We'll have a great time. Just let me know, okay? Just hit me up, all right? I'm free. You need to see it again?

You're already seeing it in white. Jackie. Watch it on TikTok. I've already watched the entire concert on TikTok. Jackie, can you put love in a bottle? Can you put love in a bottle? Yeah, I can. And I'm putting it up my ass.

You know what? I'd also kiss splinter. Yeah. He's so smart. He's so wise. Shredder's fucking jacked. Dude, dude, I'd fucking mout fuck crang, bro. You gave me enough money.

I get it, man. I know that you're always looking for someone to protect you and take care of you. So that makes sense, Holden. And maybe Goop can protect you now because she won her dollar in damages for her ski crash trial. I'm just sad the trial's over. Yeah, that was really the levity. Is that the word I'm thinking of? Just a completely low stakes news item that we needed.

Can we now finally? I admit. Did not care who was. Because M.J., you were like, well, I talked to Gideon, and like, even though it just seemed like this prosecuting attorney was fucking awful at her job, maybe it's a tactic. Can we now just agree that she is bad at being a prosecutor? At least she's, when it comes to being starstruck on the stand, you know, I think this actually, in hindsight, this woman just did a poor job trying to. Because I don't even understand how Goop can win, per se, this trial. I feel like it would seem pretty obvious if he has all these broken bones and you know what I mean? He does know how to put he puts his shoes on his hands now or whatever it is that happened to his brain when you know. Yeah, I still have no more clarity since last week on the merits of the trial. But again, this is why this is such a great trial because I didn't care. They both were completely unsympathetic people. Yes. I, you know, there was really no, the stakes were so low, just both rich people. Obviously, I'm sorry that this guy's, you know, has seems to have

experienced a brain injury, but it sounds like the court of law has decided that's not Goop's fault. So can't we all just, you know, wish that all news stories were as fun as this? She's just, it's just like, what outfit is she wearing? Yes. I want more low-stakes celebrity trials. I do love that the dude that was, that would Terry Sanderson, who was the one that had sued Gweth Paltrow, openly has said now in many different forums, I wish I hadn't done this. That this was not worth it. Like, we're out. Yeah. Yeah.

Can you imagine? I mean, just this is the thing about civil suits. They drag on and on. So if he was just trying to get a little money out of Gweth Paltrow, man, way to fuck up your life in the process. Yeah. And that's what makes me think, like, maybe he's. He actually did have a, like, a real... Injury, yeah.

Revens, because why would you take on such a horrendous task? But, you know, who knows? It could also be a sunken cost fallacy, you know what I mean? You get something like this going and you get a year or two in. And then all of a sudden when you're like, well, I've already put all this into it, I might as well keep going, you know what I mean? And like, why didn't Gwana Paltrow settle, though? You know, I was thinking I didn't, we didn't talk about that last week.

Like, she has so much money. Like, why she just be like, all right, whatever? He must have been lying. Right. Like, this case completely. reeks of her just being like, hell no, that is not what fucking happened. I refuse to give this man money. And it's got to be that.

I bet it was lawyers advice. Like, she's just going to settle. All these rich celebrities just settled. Don't even worry about it, bro. Like, you know what I mean? Yeah, right. I bet it was like that. Right.

Yeah, that makes sense. Allegedly all of it, but I bet it was like that. Because I think that's why we don't get more fun celebrity low stakes trials is because celebrities can just pay for their problems to go away. To go away. Yeah, I mean, same thing with the T-Swift trial, right? Like that was a much more righteous thing to take a stand against, but I'm sure it was in the same way of like,

she's not going to want to fucking go to court. She's Taylor Swift. She'll just, she'll pay for this problem to go away and you'll grab another, you know, live another day to grab another ass. And instead she's like, no,

I'm going to prove to the whole, God, she's so beautiful, right? Everything she does. Oh, right. Okay. Three hours, 44 songs. Jackie, can you handle it?

On TikTok, I watched it for free. And I enjoyed myself. I was like, wow, look at it go. Yeah, but look at all those dancers. But her essence, Jackie, I mean, it's going to be live right there in the stadium. I'll be able to breathe it, smell it, kiss it. I was just talking to people that went to WrestleMania and they were even saying they had floor seats, but they had to look up at the screen because they couldn't see what was going on.

Oh, for sure. Yeah, yeah. That'll happen, I'm sure. You're just going to be devastating for me. I shouldn't take your happiness. We see that video of everybody looking... Be happy. There's a great little, like, TikTok or whatever of everybody looking down at, like, the show, which is far away, sure, but they're in a stadium and they're looking towards Taylor. But there's this one dad, this, like, grumpy older guy that's completely facing the other way,

staring at the giant monitor that's, like, right behind him. Just being that stubborn. Looks better right there. Look at how big it is right there. I have to point out another era of TikTok that's so funny. I think it's like for the song, Are You Ready for it? And this guy is just over the pants

fucking this girl essentially like dogging. Oh, I saw that they were like grinding. It's not even grinding at that point. He's literally just like slamming it. They're like hammered and it's just so inappropriate. At Eric's, yes. That is not horny music. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, bro. I mean, there's some, like I love the song, dress, but yeah, it was so like, you guys are just so not doing a good job here. It's hilarious. Have you listened to Taitay while having sex yet? No, but I don't really... Who throws on music, man?

We've talked about it. I figured that you listen to so much music. I feel like some people are music, sex people, and others are not. But yeah, you're right. I guess it is kind of... I associate it with being in college and needing to drown out the noise. We do throw on the white noise now. Yeah, that's the generational.

Yeah. That's how you know you're at a different point in your life. We throw on the white noise. We also probably generally there's a baby monitor involved that we have to kind of drown out. Yeah, yeah, you got to be able to kind of hear just in case. That's a fun little balance. So yeah, you throw in the white noise to kind of drown out.

Ooh, that's fun so you can never really enjoy having sex? Yeah, that, oh man, you guys sell this parenthood thing just left and right. You never enjoy sex again. They only sold me the other day that were the reason why they're definitely not having kids. So I feel like really good about, you know, my ability to make. Help people make decisions. Yes. Thank you.

That's such a mean thing to say. Every morning by about 8.30 a.m. I evaluate the different choices I've made my life. And I tell myself every day I exercise more patients before 8.30 a.m. Yes. Than I ever exercised in my entire life before just in one single day, just getting two children under the age of five dressed. and out the door and to school on time.

And I tell myself, well, at least this way, it must be doing something for my, I don't know, my spirit. Yes. It must be helping me somehow. Am I doing this for any reason? Yeah. And in no way it's clearly taken a toll on you. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. No, I haven't aged 25 years in the last. You're more vibrant and you, yeah, even just the month of March hasn't changed you. fundamentally destroyed my psyche. Back of the road. Yeah, we're going back on. Yeah, we're going to Denver. Yeah.

And then you can think about all those things, but while sleeping in a bed next to me. Yeah. I do like sleeping in a bed next to Jackie. I especially like it when no one enters our hotel room. In the middle of the night. Yeah, it is preferable. But I have learned a lesson and you always got to put,

you always got to put the thing up. You got to put the latch on there. You got to make sure that no one is going to open that door. Got to put the latch on in Philly at the very least. Yes. Which makes sense with all of the It's Always Sunny. We're in like season 14 of Always Sunny right now. Right.

And I feel like I definitely should have latched the door after watching this amount of it's always sunny. But, you know, what closes a door does open a door? Is that true? I don't think so. I'm talking. Is that the same? I'm talking about April Fool's Day has opened a couple doors. You know here, canonically on page 7, we hate April Fool's Day.

None of us like to be pranked. That is the reason why we created April Reels Day, which, yes, we are going to be doing April Reels Day this year. April 19th. Do not forget it is the day before April 20th. It is upon St us. So that it is coming upon Stas. And we are, I mean, we are all sensitive this year.

so we're going to be doing a toast addition to each other. So it's going to be positive. We're going to have good, positive, hard truths that we're going to tell each other. See aforementioned conversation about how our spirits have been broken down. Hence we will be doing a toast and not a roast. Yes, it will be. It's going to be nice and positive. It's going to be over on Holden's Twitch channel, twitch.

TV forward slash Holdenators ho. And that is going to be on April 19th. But first, we must discuss, because we do every year, the companies that rolled out their April Fool's Day stunts. And honestly, a couple of them made me smile this year. And that very rarely happens. Yeah. I know. You know, our whole thing here at page seven is don't punish someone for, you know, sincerity.

You know, don't punish someone for trust. You say that Beyonce is coming out to the stage. I'm going to believe you. This one would have really upset me. Yeah. That one was sad. That's dirty. Well, I guess what we'll say real quick.

Just Usher was like, and now we've got a special guest you guys is Beyonce and everybody freaked out. And then April Fool's, which is me. Yes, it was at the Dreamville Festival. And what was really sad is that later on, he had another, like a hip-hop duo named City Girls came out to do a collab song with him. And wouldn't they just feel so because, like, anyone coming onto the stage, If you're told at some point that Beyonce's coming on and then he's like April Fool's

and then you know someone else is coming out on stage, what disappointment people would have in seeing the city girls because they're simply not Beyonce. Yeah, that's the thing. Not only did you do like your audience dirty by promising Beyonce, you also absolutely did the act that's not Beyonce that's coming to the stage. Like way to just turn an entire audience to be suddenly angry at seeing the next performer who's coming out just because they're not Beyonce like Usher. This is, oh, this is, I know we talk about it every year, but April fools,

you can't, this is in the hands of amateurs. People don't think carefully enough about the, about what their goal is in the fool. Okay, yeah, anybody can say, Beyonce coming to the stage, but what have you accomplished? You have fucked everyone in the room. And for what? No one thinks you're funny, Usher. I mean, maybe in other contexts they do, but not. No, they certainly don't.

But, you know, one community that can take the hit is people that are obsessed with reality television, which all three of us are. And yes, we are going to be talking about love is blind because I literally can't not talk about love is blind. But first, we must talk about love language. Very upset. I'm kind of pretty upset that this is not a real reality. Yeah, it's a pretty good premise. Everybody in the house speaks a different language. I mean, we kind of saw this a little bit,

and it's in an even more like dumbed down, simplified kind of format with that animal. Love in the jungle. Love in the jungle, or they all just made animal noises at each other. They weren't allowed to speak to each other using human language, and they were all different animals, and then they had to do all these mating rituals,

and they could only like, yeah, and they could only like, ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, at each other. It's way more ridiculous than this, Duolingo show premise. I love him in the jungle. Yeah, that's so funny that people kept being like, yeah, so this was a prank that Duolingo made an ad for a fake reality show with Francesca. Yeah, that was the smartest thing they did.

That made me, that makes you think it is real for us. She's like such a reality icon, yada, yada. That was very smart for them getting evil Francesca. Totally. Especially because she has no, like, I think she probably does have a sense of humor, but she doesn't really come off as a person who has a sense of. of humor so you wouldn't expect her to be part of a prank. But yeah, totally. Like, this actually absolutely should make a reality show where everybody speaks a different language. And like,

these days you could just like, you know, you would have to make sure they didn't have phones so they didn't have Google Translate. But like I, you know, for years taught students where and this was before Google Translate was really any good, where they did not speak any English. And we're talking about languages where I like a couple of years I taught in classes where every kid spoke a different language. So in room of 10 kids, it's not even like two, two Spanish-speaking kids can kind of help if translate for each other. It was like one kid speaks and they were all like really obscure languages like Azerbaijani. And like, and then another kid speaks like is from a country that I had never even heard before. And like in the, you know, somewhere in like the eastern

former Soviet bloc. And it was an amazing experience as a human because it was like, there is no like, We are in pictonary territory and we are in charades territory. Like I can't, that Google Translate wasn't good enough to, so it was just like, what do you do when you are all human beings in a room and there is no common language? And I feel like that's less likely if you have romance languages. Like people know enough. People, there's a general amount of like Spanish and French that people could probably get the basics. But it's a fantastic idea for a reality show. Like, because you, it really brings your humanity to the forefront to be like,

we are humans, but what tools do we have? And again, the tools are, you know, I was a theater teacher, so the tools really are acting and drawing. Like, those are the tools you have to communicate. And it's very, very fun and like pretty amazing way to connect with people. Hell yeah. But then that's the whole thing is the sad part in my brain is the first alert that went on in my brain was, but Francesca is engaged to someone. Why would she do another dating show. And so that's the sad part that I know too much about their lives. She's engaged. She's willing to commit to someone. Yeah. She's engaged. Oh, don't worry. It's a TikTok influencer. Yeah, Justin Sullivan. Yeah, it's definitely, yeah. I would definitely

say, Jackie, that that's why I stopped like taking it to Insta, taking it to socials, like, from a reality show I like, because I still only have, like, five people that I'm I follow from the first round of 90-day, like the other way that I was, we were watching years ago. Oh, I still follow all of them on Instagram. See what they're up to. And that, you know what I mean? Some of them stayed together too, which is fun.

But, yeah, well, you were telling me Turkey Lurkey's nuts, though, right? She's nuts. Now, the only thing is that, like, with Francesca, I don't follow Francesca. But I did look her up after perfect match because I wanted to see what ended up. I was like, there's no way she's still with Dany. So I just wanted to say, like, and I knew that it ended before, but I was like, oh, maybe did like something like keep going, but she's already engaged to somebody else.

So she really wants to get married. Does she know? I think she is a way. She's just like, well, you know, I don't know. I desperately want to talk about this season of love is blind. There's so much going on in this season of love is blind. Yes. The song, the song, we've got to talk about.

the Ludo song that oh weird. I don't, I am so shocked by what is happening with that human being. I'm going to go ahead and say that we're going to say some spoilers. Sure. But I don't know where we're all at. I am all caught up. So I don't want to spoil anything for my co-hosts here. Yeah, I'm not quite caught up.

I have one episode left in the current batch. Okay. And then we have to wait till the seventh. I want to die. I need it now. Before we can watch more. Yeah. I want to die.

I want to lay in the forest until I die. Or until they release a new episode, whichever comes first. Yeah, yeah. So you better have a TV in the forest, forest. I need to watch it. I just want to say that I have, I think season four of Love is Blind is when we reached the point. Surely we've reached it earlier, but it is where I reached the point where I thought. Decide that love is indeed not blind.

No, where I think that we have to expect producers, casting agents, whatever, whoever puts these shows together, I really want us to consider what we are doing to these people's lives by participating in the existence of these shows. It's not the Jenny Jones show. What do you mean? Well, I watched a documentary when I had COVID about there was like an actual murder that took place in the 90s after a Jenny Jones episode. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I know that one. So, like homophobic panic.

But it sparked this debate about like, you know, are the producers of Jenny Jones just purposely exploiting people's pain to get ratings? And the answer is obviously yes. And I just feel like, I don't know, these fucking guys have people talking about them in testimonials. And they're going to watch this show after the fact and hear people talking about how they look like cartoon characters. and how, you know. Oh, no, she said that. She said that she was in the face. You're right.

You're right. She said something even worse in the testimonies. Wow, you like never blink. By the way, you want to make someone so upset in a social situation? Make a comment like that and then keep harping on it. You just like, don't blank. I hate her so much this woman. She's awful.

She's so awful. And I don't think it's the editing. And I think she's just awful. No, this is like mean girl city. Like if there's two girls, two, women and Love is Blind who are just like the mean girl. Yes. I will watch Mean Girls City.

Oh, please. Please put it together right now. Do not stop. Do not even think about it. Mean Girl City and Milf Manor. Let's throw them together somehow too for an All-Star episode. I love it. We are in hyper Mean Girl mode.

And there's just like, again, just testimonials afterwards being like, this guy is ugly and boring and not funny. And I just worry about what the psyches. I just worry. that there's some fragile sight. The people also, there's just relentlessly, like, dangerous, fragile masculinity. Like, the last season of Love is Blind had a relationship that was just like, this is obviously an abusive relationship.

And then in this season, you know, I don't know, Kwame is bursting into tears about getting broken up with, and his emotions are all over the place. I'm just like, I'm like, this is a show about how, like, men can be really scary, when they get upset. And I don't know. I just feel like we are, I feel like love is blind every season.

It just gets like, obviously the first season, the whole thing was like, wow, this is a really weird and bad show. I can't look away. And each season has somehow managed to be more dehumanizing for the contestants. And we lap it up.

And we lap it up. Like milk. We love it. We love it. Give me that dish of milk. I love it. We love it. I hate how much I love it.

And I just every single episode, I'm just gobsmacked by how that they, like, even the fact of like, of course, it's all in the editing. We all know it's in the editing. And you know what? You're doing an Oscar worthy job editors of Love is Blind. But they have to get the content from somewhere. Yeah. So even if they're being goaded by producers, like it's still happening and they are still getting the content to make, like, for example, Irina look like a horrendous bitch.

Now, Irene has come out and apologized publicly. Really? For her performance. Well, this is always what's nice. Whenever you're, like, yelling at the TV about someone's awful behavior on one of these shows, you always have to know deep down that they've already, they're already receiving their comeuppance. They've already received the backlash has been so effervescent in their life since well before you've even watched the episode because people are just so on top of it. Totally.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, totally. I feel like we've now seen like several people's spirits being broken in real time, you know? Like I feel like season three, it was just like, oh, do you want to watch a man just slowly be destroyed psychologically? Here's Cole. It's like the Ralph Wiggum. Yes.

And you can see right here it's exactly how he broke this up. That is the season. M.J. Can I just say this to you? I was taking, breaking down. It was just such a long. You guys warned me. There was two singing incidents.

There has been three singing incidents now. There's a lot of singing. There's a lot of singing. There's a lot of singing on songs that have been sung. But again, that was Zach. Zach, who was singing to Irene. He claimed that he wrote her a song, but he did not write her a song.

No. The song is actually Ludo's Sarah's song. But apparently they did hit up the band to, I don't know if they just asked permission or they also paid for the rights to use the song. So I will say, the love is blind, like the people making it did write by the band, but Zach did lie about writing her a song.

He did say, I wrote you this song, which is such a crazy thing. All right, what you have to understand is this man sings this song to this, this woman in the pods to propose to her. It's terrible woman. It's terrible awful woman. They haven't seen each other yet. And it's just with no musical back. I mean, it literally sounds like what I just sang.

Like, I was haking. Like, it's so plodding. And what's so funny is like hearing the actual song, the Ludo song, which by the way, the name Ludo, I was like, is she talking about ludicrous? Like, no, no, no, it's this very much this like nerdy, high pitched kind of like Decembercy sounding, you know, band from like the 2000s or whatever, right? Which I am not against. You know, I mean, here, I love. Yes, I did. His rendition is this weird. I was Rick. There's like this weird attempt to be sounding good as a singer, but it's so muddled by insecurity that you're just, you know,

he did the thing. He was a real Angela Bassett. And it was something else to behold. And yeah, and they, and that's the crazy part was when he came out. He was like, yeah, actually I sang the whole song. This was just a cut down version because I kept screaming to Lexi. I was writhing in bed. I was like, am I watching Melf Manner again?

Like, I was writhing again during this. And I just kept being like, it keeps going. He keeps singing in this awkward way. And you see this woman. I mean, everything about her is terrible. So at least you can know that about her. But I will say, that was abuse. That was saying abuse.

The thing is, everything about her is terrible, but everything about him, many things about him are also terrible in totally different ways. Yeah, I love how the other. other couples, like, don't like either of them. There's, like, two dudes that like the guy, and, like, everybody else is like, God, they both just, like, get him out of here.

She's terrible in, like, a high status. She thinks she's high status because she's, like, mean and popular. And he's terrible in, like, a low status way where it's just like, oh, sweetheart, you, like, really need to go to therapy. Yeah. Like, really need to go to therapy. You know, this is that, again, it's a real Charlene situation from Milf Manor. When there's a contestant on a reality show where you're just like, you have so much

unprocessed trauma, Zach. Zach attack, I'm so proud of you for being a public defender. You're talking about your childhood. Sounds like you had a really rough childhood. Zach attack, you had me from your Zach attack reference. Now, please leave the show and go to Sammy. Stop trying to continue to be on the show, which is what he did instead. But MJ, don't worry, he doesn't go anywhere.

Yeah, he sticks around. And I am excited for you. Please text me as you watch Zach's journey over the next couple of episodes. because Zach also did, and I don't know if you picked up on this Holden, the fact that Zach was trying to talk about kids' names toward Irene who didn't even want to kiss him. Like, what are you talking about? I didn't catch this. Neither did get him. I did catch how weird his kid name choices were, but I didn't realize they were Eldon Ring references to a couple of the bosses, Godrick and Godfrey.

And Godfrey. Yes, he wants to name his choice. children after Eldon Ring bosses. Now, Holden, could you describe, like, how would you, would you want your child to be named after an Eldon Ring boss? Because won't you think about the Eldon Ring boss and how frustrated you were every time you look at the kids? Right.

These are giant, tortured, mutated monster men we're talking about that wield horrific weapons and, you know what I mean? and make your life hell. It would be a bizarre choice, I feel like. Also, there are some other, like, prettier names. In Eldon, right? You know what I mean? I feel like you name a Godfrey.

You're like, you want them to be, like, a evil baron or something like that. You know what I mean? You know how when you're, when you are about to have a kid and you just are thinking about names constantly, and every name you hear it, you suddenly think about it. There is a sign for a dentist in my neighborhood,

and the dentist's first name is Godric. And I have to admit, when I was pregnant, both times, I walked past that side and was like, hmm, Godrick. That's a name you don't hear very often. And I thought about it for about three seconds. And I was like, you know what? I think the name Godric actually is kind of cool, but it is not going to be a name that I named my child. Well, yeah, I guess you shortened it to Rick or God.

I mean, how cool. Hey, God. Hey, Goddy. Goddy. Goddy, be cool. But then I'd be scared of what they were going to do and what kind of criminal activities they were going to get into. Yeah, they'll either become, like, like some kind of like get rich quick scheme millionaire or just a common criminal.

I don't think there's anything in between on that. You know what I mean? Because there's lots of kids named Jesus. Obviously lots of Marys, but I don't think I've ever heard of a kid named God. Just straight up named God. Yeah, yeah. No. Not yet.

I'm sure that that child is out there, though. Oh, yeah. Now, this has been so interesting going back and forth between watching love is blind and then watching Succession. Yeah, those are like too. such other good. And like watching Swarm, watching Succession,

watching very different shows than Love is Blind. And it's giving me whiplash that I feel like I have to like deal with the two parts of my sense of self and what I like of like, why do I love Love is Blind so much? Why do I love this trash television so much? Why was I so excited for a show called Love Language where they didn't speak the same language and they all had to try to figure I had to fuck? Because the one language that was.

They do understand his love. We can't be thinking too hard, man. I mean, it's such an investment, you know what I mean? To just be thinking about, you know, I mean, you really, you have to look at that screen the whole time you're watching a succession, right? These little moments. I try to pretend I understand the business deals that are happening. Yeah. I don't.

You got to know the whole fucking thing. You know what I mean? You got to concentrate. Whereas, you know, with love is blind. I mean, I'm mostly staring at my phone. You know what I mean? That's my husband. He stares at his phone the whole time,

and then I scream about like very big particulars, and he's like, what? Oh, yeah, yeah. At least you're talking to someone about it. I sit and watch it in silence, so that's why I have to, I have to bring it to page seven. I have to get it out of my bones.

I'll just say this, Jackie. You take the blues away. Don't be a Zach right now. He sings like a tortured ghost. He sings like a ghost It's somehow being like, somehow be in pain, even though he's got no, like, physical form anymore. It is, it is, you need someone to talk about love is blind with. That's the thing. And that's what reality does for us. It brings us together and it makes you immediately feel close to whoever it is

who will talk about it with you. Dude, we went to, we went to Marcus's for a little hang last Friday and I was shocked. Everyone's watching it. Really? Margottson. Yeah, that's nice. Henry and Natalie. It got Henry and Natalie. That's like, come on. They don't watch all the shit. It never gets them. This is, Love is Blind because it premiered, as people will probably remember,

in like March 2020. So everybody watched it. And it was like beginning of pandemic. It was exactly what everybody needed. And so it's not even the wackiest, you know, premise of Netflix reality. Yeah.

But they just, it had its perfect, perfect timing and it will keep me coming back. It was the real, it was the true, it was the Tiger King all along. Yes. The true Tiger King.

But also could we sidebar and say I would watch Brett and Tiffany's tape any day of the week. Wow. Good Lord. Brett and Tiffany are so like everything about them. I'm like, they're going to make it. They have to make it. There's no way they're not going to make it because just watching the way they look at each other. I'm just, I felt a little bit prudish yet last night.

I was watching it. There's just a scene when she's just like in her underwear on top of the top of me. dry humping. Yeah. And I was like, I was like, are we showing this on television right now? Like, I didn't think that we showed like dry humping on television. Even on Love is Blind, but I guess. And at Ares.

You want to see some real dry humping, I guess. Just watch that clip. Grinding at Tisway and then thinking of Brett saying, get on top. As she just like gets on and he's grabbing her big, juicy ass. And then thinking about grinding the top. Eastway, I just yuck. I mean, spectrums. Is Simon Grinding, by the way, grinding is some

sense of, like, smooth motion. He's just jackhammering her. What is this new white person thing? I don't think that's new, unfortunately. He's just like, he's just awkwardly jackhammering her so crazy, awkwardly, weirdly. You're just like, what is going? You guys paid

so much money to see this show and you're just like going to fake fuck the whole time. And did you imagine having to deal with that couple all night? Right above you? I'm not sure that there's just a bunch of like, I don't know, 14 year old kids at this show, right? Yeah.

Oh, tons of like moms with like five, like a daughter and her friends groups all over. I always talk about how I ate too when the edible was screaming about how the snake lordress was going to consume me and all this kind of stuff was freaking them all out. Much less, but at least I didn't bend Lexi ever and just started jamming away. on her. Like it was fucking, I was on fucking MTV spring break or some shit. But how cute is it going to be when you, Holden, are

the dad bringing the group of tween girls to the concert? You're going to be a real fun dance. Oh, it's going to be great. Yeah, yeah. And I'll be like the most obnoxious one. It'll be great. Now, do the whole embarrassing thing. Yeah, she'll be so embarrassed. But will you be embarrassed by giving me the share? Do you believe it?

Is Tyler Perry, Will Smith, and a silicone mask. The answer is yes. The answer has to be. Yes. Now, I am going to go ahead. I love scrape at the bottom of the barrel holding conspiracy theories. Here are, well, scrape at the bottom of the barrel.

I got three TikToks for you guys to prove my absolute point. I'm going to put this. Oh, we got evidence. Yeah, so you can kind of, you can stare at it. I'll walk you through these TikToks right here. This came in from Debbie. who linked these three TikToks to explain. The first one is from user Rial King Rio official,

for whatever it's worth. It shows a close-up on Tyler Perry's face and points out the skin between his eyes and nose. And it looks, you see, it looks like an extra layer of skin on skin. And it could be a face mask. Is that, like, I'm looking at this right now. I don't think I could ever. ever tell someone by the skin of where their tear ducks are on their face.

It is. I'm just throwing that. I'm just saying it's damning as hell. It's damning to hell. It's not. He also claims if you listen, he claims Tyler Perry's voice sounds just like Will Smith's. If you just close your eyes and wish upon a dream, you can hear it. The second one is from conspiracy repost.

He uses footage from the filmic experience of white girls. from 2016 to prove. Yes, we all know, starring Marlon and Sean Wayans. And he also uses footage of Michael Jackson being turned into an old white guy to prove how easily this can all be achieved. What I don't like about these TikToks is that it just keeps going back to the same picture of Tyler Perry with two yellow circles around the tearducks of his face. We're like, see?

Don't you see? Yeah, yeah. One thing, maybe he's just tired that day. There was a little extra skin fold or something going on. Yeah, don't look that close to my skin. I don't want you to know. But possibly the most hellfire damning TikTok of them all that will send eternal souls to the underworld. The last TikTok is from user Free My Grandma, 726.

First of all, I don't know what happened to this person's grandmother, but I hope she's okay. They show a close-up of Tyler Perry's nose and eyes to somehow prove... All it is is a close-up of his nose and his eyes. It's not anything else. It proves that it's a mask. It fully proves that it's a mask. As for evidence against... For evidence against, if you scroll down,

user Leo Gibbons 842 wrote in the comments, so Tyler Perry rushed on stage, slapped Chris Rock, then talked to himself after it. Whoa, just want to make sure I understand. Because, of course, we know we have all reports say, yeah, Tyler Perry swooped in to talk to Will Smith after the incident at the Oscars over a year ago. And that does make it pretty hard to believe. Also, user Justin Star 537 wrote,

how when they both was at the Grammys. Yeah, good question. Yes. However, the creator of the talk responded with, he is not real. Santa be at the mall. too. He is real.

All two, bidschus. Yeah. Next time anyone, next time I'm arguing 80 point with anyone, I'd be like, Santa be at the ball. He is real.

I mean, Sanchez be at the ball. Just see if that takes me through it. Just see if that gets me through the argument. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I wish that I could tell. I wish I could tell the listeners, like,

no, you guys just got to see the TikToks and then you'll see it. But I just watched all three of these TikToks, and I'm not sure if that is what will help you see it. Have you that close up of the nostril? That didn't change your mind. It didn't show anything. You know I want to believe. Yeah, that's the thing. I really do.

Like X-Files level want to believe. But it is sometimes it's just hard of just staring up his nose. Yeah, yeah. This time we're being a little bit of us of Scullies. We were just staring up at his nose hairs, though. Like, that's all that. Well, there you go. I guess I'll be the molder then, and I'm secretly in love with both of you.

Oh, my God. That's going to make it really awkward on tour. Oh, well. It is going to be a problem. Especially for Jake. Yeah, poor Jake. Just sitting there just like, oh, God. Just a hot man out.

Third, what a fourth wheel. You just going like, oh, oh. We'll, like, wrestle him and beat them up and stuff and make fun of them. Oh, we're definitely. Well, we do that already. I mean, we all know. everybody knows that anybody knows that we beat up Jake

when we go on tour. We'll make him professes love to us in a song. Yeah, keep him humble. Got to. I forgot to bring up, by the way. But I will, in my defense, I was in high school

and maybe college I might have done this. I had a move where I'd like write a girl a song on a guitar. I would write her a song, though. I wouldn't fucking tell her that I wrote her a song and then sing her someone else's song.

What are you including in this song? Are you just like, your eyes are good? Yeah. Wow. Let me see what's under there, please. I've been waiting patiently. No, not that patiently.

Not that patiently, but whatever. But yeah, it's like, I am desperate. I am sad. Would you make my penis glad? Please. Please. Please. And the chorus was just begging for sex, screaming.

Please. The difference is, please. You are a good singer. Right. And as a personally. Yeah, even pertain to sing a bad song. I feel like I did better than he did in the pod in that moment. And Zach Attack, I get it.

I'm not a good singer either. As a result, I don't sing people's songs, Acapella, to woo them. I understand my limits. And he does not understand his limit. This poor boy, he's like a fine nerd. He could, like, I'm like, what, why did you apply to be on this show?

First of all, he needs to go to therapy. But aside from that, like, he could totally be a cute, nerdy guy that people love. But he's not the type of guy that, any woman who goes on love is blind wants. So everybody's just like, what did Arena say? She was just like, I just didn't expect him to look like that. You know, like, everyone is just horrified by this perfectly fine. He's really not that bad looking.

I mean, like, I don't understand. Like, I thought that, like, I'm like, maybe I just, um, have a wide array of people that I like to kiss, which is true, i.e. Leonardo. But, um, and Michelangelo and Donatello and Raphael. You can fix them. But. I could I could fix all of them

Get out of the sewer Let me clean you up No I think he looks totally The one that she's like Wow he's so hot I don't feel like there's that big of a difference between He's the lookalike Yeah he's like the sick

Oh my god And the fucking vocal fry bro Jesus Christ The two of them get together I'm like the frogs are talking They both talk like They're both like I think that Yeah and he sounds like

Like early era Brittany Spears, like, just for... I know, I keep thinking that the environmental scientist is actually like an emo band. Yeah. He just talks like a miserable little emo boy. But instead, he's an environmental scientist. Also, everyone on that show is a project manager.

That's what is it? Yeah, what is even meaning? They're all project manager. Yeah. You might as well try it baggage the last night. This guy said he had his job listed as inventor. It's like, um, that means unemployed. If you're inventor, I'm pretty sure that you have no money.

Or he's like, or he's a genius, Holden. You have no idea. If you're an inventor and that's literally what you do, I would love to hear from you. I just highly doubt that is a working, workable occupation. But either way, is it time for the list? Yeah, well, I mean, I guess I believe. I don't believe. Yeah, I said you're a couple of Scullies.

We just left it at that. That to me, I don't give a, yeah, I don't fucking buy this for a second. And I'm going to say, I think it is a man in a mask every time we see Tyler Perry. And then when he dresses up as his many characters, he's a man in a mask. In a mask. Whoa. Yeah.

Wow. He's many layers. It's pretty cool. I thought you were going to say like the real him is Medea. Yeah, well, maybe. But also Tyler Perry is also back. and the Ninja Turtle's reboot to bring it all full circle. All comes full circle and I will watch it.

Yeah, yeah, it's great. Well, then I guess it is time for the list. Oh, who's on the list? Jackie, got to have that list. Actors who regret their blockbuster roles. I love this line. I'm jumping down to 14, and that is Mark Wahlberg. Yes, I am about to say something about the movie The Happening.

So if you don't know what happens in the happening, it is about to be spoiled for you. It is nothing that happens. And he played Elliot Moore in the happening. And why he hated it, he said, fuck it. It is what it is. Fucking trees, man. The plants.

At least I wasn't playing a cop or a crook. They didn't play a Twitch either. What is the happening about? The happening is an M-night Shyamalan movie. Oh. And, like, you know how a lot of M. Night Chomelon movies, like, there's all these, like, really, like, violent, inexplicable deaths. Yeah, yeah. Like, this is insane phenomenon, but turns out it was all because the invisible killer was the plant.

See, I stopped watching M. Night Shyamalan movies after The Village. That was my last one. Oh, hated it. Yeah, the happening was, everybody was, everybody was, like, killing themselves. and they didn't understand why, and that's the happening. And then it turned out that it was the plants, making them do it so they could probably, probably said the earth could renew itself or whatever.

That's why I just love, fuck it. It is what it is. Fucking trees, man. The plants. Because it was such, I remember watching the happening and just being at the end, just like, what? Because here's the thing, MJ,

I'm still chasing the dragon. I see every single M. Night Shyamalan. Really? It comes out. I, and I, when I went to, go see old. I made loudly made fun of it the entire time. I will say don't bother with knock at the cabin. Just read the book that it is based on because they change the book and the book is much better. It is just things like that that I don't know why. I have to keep going. Wow. I honestly didn't even

know that he had made that many movies since the village. I thought we all agreed after the village that he was done. No. Apparently not. No, no, no, no, no, no. There are, he's still going. And I believe that he also has a show on Apple TV that I have not, or at least I don't know if he's just producing it, but I haven't delved into that. My mother really loves it. And she keeps trying, I think it's called The Servant. And my mom keeps trying to get me to watch it. And apparently it's very good.

Yeah. But still, I, you know, I don't know. Like, I can give M. Night Shyamalan two hours of my time. I don't know if I can give him like eight to ten hours of my time. I think if he, that's where I draw the line. If he just got a writer, he would just, he would be so set. if he just got a person to write his stories for him, his ideas, he would do a good writer. It would solve all of his problems.

And he just refuses to do it. He just wants to do it all himself. And everyone's like constantly, every movie review is like, the writing is so bad. This almost could have been a good movie with it. It's an interesting premise. But this, it's like high school theater writing, you know? I don't know. It's crazy.

It's crazy. It just made unbreakable and then packed up, made a crazy. full exit and been like everyone will remember me for the six cents and unbreakable we'll call in a day and I won't just turn myself in to a two decades long laughing stock but that was not his choice yeah and so we support him I think he's gonna come back someday I think he's gonna knock something out of the park and I'm still waiting for it to happen was a splice good or whatever wasn't that I liked it yeah there you go he's really I can't believe you see the every mnight shop that is weird that is wild I definitely have thrown in the towel

quite some time ago. Split also is the name of the movie. Split, not splice. But I mean, it was close. It's about split personality guy. Yeah, I heard that was pretty okay. Yeah, now I'm just looking through all the M. Knight Shyamalan movies.

I'm just like, oh, yeah. We have only got one entry into this list. This list. It's a good list, but this is a particularly good item. This list. Pretty good one. Well, Megan Fox hated being in Transformers. Yeah.

The role was Michaela in Transformers. Fox hated the eye candy character and despised director Michael Bay. She says he wants to be like Hitler on his sets. And so he is. Wow. Yeah. I don't know if I'd make that comparison. That's the thing.

A, that's a little over the top. I still feel like if you like, I don't know, I kind of always get a little like, really you like bite the hand that feeds you. Like no matter what, this made you like a multi-millionaire, like giant name actor. that gets to do all these other projects. Like, it reminds me of, what's her name with, like, knocked up and stuff and how quickly she began. And what does Megan Fox do anymore?

She's actually a solid actor. Jennifer's body is awesome. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. But I feel like that just kind of did fuck her a little bit, like, at the end of the day, you know? It's always like, yeah, he might be a monster, but just walk away, man. Just walk away, you know?

Don't stir the pot for no reason. All that's going to do is fuck you, saying, something like that. You know what I mean? Yes. And comparing him to Hitler. Yeah. And the Hitler comparison's lazy and dumb. I mean, comparing people to Hitler in general is just like annoying these days, right? But... Yeah, yay. Although, you know... Yeah, he's not like Hitler. He just loves Hitler. There's a difference.

He just loves him. I love Hitler. Like what he's saying it in a Joker voice that one time. Oh, speaking of George Clooney and the role of Batman and Robin. Batman and Robin. Why he hated it. Clooney keeps a photo of himself as Batman in his office to remind himself not to make decisions based on commercial gain.

I hope that he includes the nipples in the picture of himself as Batman just so that you can always, because that's always what got me again, as a horny young person of just looking at those nipples on that Batman costume. Batman and Robin, we revisited it on Wizard and the Brewers. or not too long ago.

And I will say about this movie, like the final consensus was, Joel Schumacher did do a fun thing with it by like, she was trying to like return it to camp, like OG camp, Adam West Batman. And he would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for the casting decisions

of like George Clooney and whatever his name is that played Robin. And Alicia's over so... How dare you? Three Biscateers. More like Miss O'Donnell. Like miss him. Yeah, totally forgettable.

No one misses him. Miss O'Donnell. Yeah, but you get, But you get ice to meet you. I love that stuff. And Ouma Thurman's amazing in it. If they had gotten the lead actors who played the good guys to lean into the camp as much as the bad guys did. Yeah.

It would have, I think, and cut about like 20 minutes off of it, too. It would have been a great, I think, like, not at the time. It would have bombed still. But it would now be this huge cult hit that gets played as the Midnight movie. like every other week. Like it had so much potential, but they didn't know what they were making. And so like just the lead,

the protagonists are so borough-snoro and just in the wrong movie. You know what I mean? This was like the era when like George Clooney was, I mean, this was like peak ER era. Yes. So I feel like it was just like, oh, I'm the it boy.

He's not the guy. It needed a wacky, whackadoo. And Uma Thurman, watch that movie just for Uma Thurman's performance. She is so much. fun as poison ivy yeah well also um share hated being in the movie burlesque because it was bad it was very bad we did watch the movie burlesk and it is rough she called the movie horrible and says the director told her i don't care about what you say i just want to shoot the dance numbers

yeah and i think that that um speaks volumes for all of the talky parts of the movie you know the movie part of the movie, those parts were bad. I can't believe you skipped over Christopher Plummer hating the fact that he was Baron von Tramp and the sound of music. He said, quote, it was so awful and sentimental and gooey. Christopher Plummer, how dare you? You heard it here first. That's upsetting.

And that is this week's How Dare You Moment from MJ's sponsor by Adidas. Adidas shows. Not towards anyone on love is blind, but against Christopher Plumper. There you go. I dare you to run in some Adidas back to you, Jackie. And last but not least, which I did not know this, Alec Guinness, who played Obi-Wan in Star Wars, Sir Alec famously said the film led to a worldwide taste for a fantasy world of second-hand, childish banalities. Man, yeah, have a smile, Alec. Yeah, Jesus.

For a second. Someone needs to crank this guy off, I think. Good Lord. You gotta talk about... Afters taking their roles to seriously. Good Lord. Just smile. And that's my list for you.

There you go. Beautiful stuff, Jackie. At least I think it's beautiful. I can't really tell because I think I'm going... Lines! Items! Ah, we can't see them. Even though they are broken up,

this former A-list, mostly television actor turned director, asked the parents of... of his ex for permission to marry her and has been sending her gifts every day, at this point, it is giving off stalker vibes. It's weird. Now, I'll give you some clues as to this broken-up couple. I didn't even realize we're a couple.

The guy annoys me, but everyone loves him. Probably MJ, like, loved his movie back in the college days because of its soundtrack and the girl... You're making fun of me in your hint. The guy, MJ's... Right, stupid. Zach Brough. Zach Ruff and...

What's her name? Oh, what's your name from little women? You nail on it. Florence Pugh. There you go. Yeah, did you like Garden State? Back the day, I bet you did what I was. I am so humiliated to eat Santa Clara there was like 20 minutes when I saw Current State.

Loved it, loved the soundtrack. And then I think I probably talked to my older brother and he shook some sense into me. I was like, no, you think it's good, but it's not good. Dude. Yeah, it's just a soundtrack. It's not actually, God, there was a time when he was so cherished by everyone because of that and scrubs. Loved it.

And I just had to sit in the corner and be like, guys, it's bad. Loved every second of it. I've seen Garden State, I think, 30 times. No. I can't believe I went after MJ. I can't believe I went after MJ when I scream. Oh my God.

I can't believe you went over after MJ. To a hole. Wow. Oh, it's so brilliant. I don't want to make you. No, you had a good guess. Oh, you can make me feel bad. I rewatch, I watched the, like,

first 40 minutes on a plane like a couple of years ago. And I was like, Jesus Christ. Jackie. It's not good. What is possibly wrong? It is not good. It is not.

It does not hold up. I believe that. The soundtrack holds up. The soundtrack holds up for sure. Exactly. If you have sentimental feelings about Garden State, never watch it again. But listen to the soundtrack. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. It is truly the example of a movie that like I think was the experience of the soundtrack just put the movie in a level. that it should never have even... Another one of these at this time, Donnie Darko. Donnie Darko, very similar. It was a perfect movie in late high school, early college, and then, like, you look back and you're like, oh,

would we put Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind in this category? No, it holds... Okay, that holds up like a motherfucker. It is so good. But it felt like my experience of seeing that movie in the theater was literally, I remember sitting in the theater and being like, this is just like a bright-eyes song in the form of a movie. And so I have since looked back and been like,

I wonder if that means that it's not quite as good as I thought. Yes, that holds up. And I think a good version is also lost in translation is still really great, I think. Those are good versions of that same thing from that time. That saccharine, like, ooey-gooey, I don't know what I'm doing with my life. College was great cool, but now I'm lost 22-year-old. in the world, you know what I mean? Yeah, all that good stuff.

Well, anywho, let's move it along. Oh, no, wait. I didn't add the fact here that this is, seems like it might be true. Page 6 reported that Braff had dinner with Florence Pugh's parents and grandmother in March this year. Brath and Pugh entered the romantic relationship in 2020.

She wasn't there. Could you imagine having dinner with your ex's parents and grandmother? I mean, if you're married and you've been, or if you've just been together for a while, I could. Definitely. But sometimes you don't want to break up with someone because you like their family so much.

Yeah. Yeah. Maybe it's that. Maybe he's like, I miss these guys. Yeah. It just feels weird to me though. Like she's not there.

I would be upset if we had broken up already and that was happening though. Uh-huh. That would have said they had broke. Yeah. They're not together. Yeah. No, they broke up. Yeah.

They broke up. So I just think that's a little odd. Yeah. No, it's definitely odd. I think unless it was like a totally amicable breakup and you're like, oh, I always loved your mom.

Is it cool if I have dinner with her? Then totally I can imagine. But if it wasn't an amical breakup, then it would be really annoying. Yes. I just don't want to have dinner with parents at all. You know what I mean? Yeah. Just different kind of guy.

This, this boy, I'm sure he's, guys. You're not Zach Braff. I feel like, yeah, Zach Brath probably is like, I bet parents love Zach Brath. Yeah. 20-year-age difference as well, by the way. I was going to say, that's the thing. He's probably closer to the parents. He's like, close to the parents-age.

Yeah, I didn't even think about that. He probably is close to the parent's age. This foreign-born director who loves a good thruple is going to have to respond to the claims that he was coked out of his mind during the entirety of directing a movie in this cinematic universe. Taika, YTT, yeah. It makes so much sense because Thorloven Thunder is such a cocaine movie. Yes, it is real cocaine. It's all sheenie and, like, it has this weird vibrance to it that's like almost too much. Yeah.

Yeah. I thought it was just a comic book movie, but it is a specifically cocaine-y comic book movie. Yeah, and it's because it's so rooted in like 70s, 80s rock. And then everything's like a little too, like bright and it's a little too goofy and all over the place. So I could totally see that he was slamming bumps the whole time. Slamming bumps. You know what I mean? I bet he is very fun to do drugs with.

I would say that. Hell yeah. Don't you think? Oh, my God, please. Are you kidding? I don't do anything. that anymore, but maybe, but if I was hanging out with him, I'd be like, maybe this one last time.

Yeah, I could probably. That's the thing. I hear about that. And I'm like, no, take it. Don't do that. And Rita ORA. Yeah, totally. See, we're still, we can still have fun.

Yeah. M-J is in just-abilitated by the stress before 8.30 in the morning every single day. We can still have fun. I can imagine a fictional world of doing drugs with Taita-Qy-T and having a great time. And then I'll sing in my song that I wrote him that someone else wrote. Here we go. This permanent A-list singer hates paparazzi. She has carefully managed the days and time.

She will allow herself to be photographed. She has them all marked down on a calendar. When a pap tried to take her photo in the wild, he was beaten. When he said he was going to sue, he was beaten again. Mariah Carey. Mariah, yeah. No, no. But similar, he got the message.

Other Paps have long since. got the message. Wait, was he actually beaten? I want to say yeah. Allegedly. Physically beaten? Yeah, I would think that, well, that's literally what the blind is saying, so I'm going to say yes.

Whoa. Somebody like Mariah. Bigger than Mariah, technically, at this point. Who would possibly be bigger than Mara? I know, Jackie. You just hurt my brain. Who's bigger than Mariah? Is it Taylor Swift?

Is this from our show? No. Our live show? Who's the other biggest one? Jalo. No. Jailer. Beyonce? Yes, Beyonce.

Jailo? Oh, well, I mean, Jailo is, I think, a bigger, at this point in time, a bigger superstar than Mariah Gary. Sure. I guess you could say that. But I guess I still, in the year 2020. I still put them in, like, a more of an old news category compared to, like, Beyonce, you know what I mean? You're an old news category is what you are. Yo, by the way, I just realized this.

Speaking of, like, take social media videos of T. Swift, like, she interested. enters the backstage of the like arena stage setting in like a fake cleaning cart. Like it showed footage of it's like a cart with mops on it and stuff and it wheels. And then you see her get out of it once she's like in the back. That's great. And I totally remind me of the conspiracy theory of her sneaking in and out in a suitcase. I'm pretty sure that's real now that I've seen this thing. But if she can fit in.

That's a big suitcase. That's got to be like a trunk, right? Yeah, yeah, it's a big one. Oh, that she could fit into just like your average checked bag. Yeah. Oh, back then. Could you? M.J?

That was the height of her eating disorder back then. Yeah, she gets definitely. She's much more willowy than I am. She was like one of those Halloween wall skeletons back then. She pulled it up like into a square and you could store her. Into a bin. Yeah. Until next October.

Yeah, yeah, totally. She could fit in one of those little like pumpkin candy boxes. Well, there you go. That is my blind items for you guys. Oh, my God. Can you see again? Welcome back. And I see that our show must end.

But before it does, Jackie and MJ, you take the blues away. Irina definitely didn't say looks don't matter. That's for damn sure. Man, she just, I thought, essentially she said, I thought you were going to be hot and you're totally not hot. She said you look like a cartoon and you're freaking me out because you don't blink enough.

And I wanted to jump through the TV screen and stab her to death. It is hard though because he was staring at her and not blinking, you know. So it's like a stop clock is right twice a day situation. Kind of. And thank you guys so much

for joining us on this week's page seven. I had a blast. And oh my God, check out love is blind. If you haven't, it is the phenomenon of the world. right now. My name is Jackie Zabrowski. You can follow me on Instagram at Jack That Worm and you can come hang out with me on

Sundays and on Tuesdays and on Wednesdays over on Twitch.com over on Twitch.com forward slash oh no, it's Jackie. And if you're just thinking about bucket hats and you're dreaming about bucket hats, go ahead and get a fucking hat over on big jacky.com.

All right. Check us out, Patreon.com, forthslash, whiz. Check us on a Patreon.com. com forward slash page seven podcast y'all whoa did you just cheat on us patronically no no paid some of a podcast weekly bonus episodes for five dollars jackie does her book readings

things ice planet barbarians y'all it is lit over there Santa be at the mall and we've got also ad free episodes and you'll get that pre-sale code to get your tickets at it time for the butt release the bottle It's the whole thing. It's so much stuff at $5.

You definitely should check that out. And at $10, you can join us every Thursday for our live watch-along. Right now we're doing Jersey Shore family reunion and it is popping the fuck off. We're back to the shore, bitches. It's so good. So, yeah, join us for that. Please, it's so fun. Patreon.com forward slash page 7 podcast.

And you can catch me, Twitch.tv. 4.12. So Monday through Friday streams, Jag up with the Holdies every Friday. It's always a gas, gas. Gas, gas, and I have gas, and I'm farted, and I'm shitting right now. Ew. Also, page 7 podcast at gmail.com. Please send your celebrity conspiracy theory.

Show me a different masked man this week, if you will, from TikTok. Page 7 podcast at gmail.com. MJ! My name is MJ, and I'm MJKLKat on Instagram. Hell yeah. Time for the shout-out song. Shout, shout, shout. Let it all out.

These are the emails that you wrote it about. Come on, we're going to read it up to you. Come on. It is time, my friends, to gather around for the shoutouts. And you can send in your own shoutouts to page 7 podcast at gmail.com. You can send in shoutouts, you can send in celebrity conspiracy theories. You can send in just a high hello. I mean, someone also told me about hot dog gummies that are now coming out and just thinking about the idea of gummified hot dogs in my mouth makes me want to puke.

So thank you. Even just, you know, puky emails, I'll take them. Again, that is page 7 podcast at gmail.com. And thank you guys so much for always thinking about us. Like to Courtney, who thinks about us every time they watch Milf Manor. Milf Manor is the most horrifying thing I've ever experienced. Never in my life have I reacted out loud so much to TV. I said, please, no, please.

More times than I can count. I'm a psych nurse and have heard and seen a lot. This is so bad. My soul is unsettled, but also please never stop talking about it. Sigh, hope to see you live someday soon. and I hope you get to as well, Courtney. Thank you so much for thinking of us. And I want to give a shout out, oh my gosh, to Darkly Davy.

Hi, Darkly Davy, who is a part of our Twitch community. And David has written in some adorable shoutouts that I am going to read to you now. David says, I wanted to throw a shout out out to someone whom I hope is a new listener, my co-worker Christina. She'd asked for some podcast wrecks last week, and I happily, stood on my soapbox for page 7. Listening for this shoutout is her literal homework from me. Christina is an incredible co-worker.

Her encyclopedic command of payroll taxes and her inclination to help others understand without any snobbery makes her a great colleague. Not to undersell, her dark sense of humor makes her a great person in my book. We work hard at our payroll jobs to pay our bills and help others pay their bills with the payrolls.

we enable. Kind of makes me dizzy to think about it like that, but there it is. In any case, this shouted is from David for Christina, the high priestess of payroll taxes with a warm welcome to the beautiful page 7 community. I cannot wait to Kiki with her about this week's episode over Slack. Oh my God, welcome Christina. And I hope that you enjoyed, oh, hopefully you're watching Love is Blind and you enjoyed our Love is Blind talk. Welcome to the fold. And I'm not talking about my folds that's over on Ice Planet Barbarian, but also Darkly Davy is adorable and has another shoutout as well. And this shout out to Misty. Misty David says, you have taught me so much about what's truly important in life, namely focusing on the journey and the destination in equal measure.

Whether or not we survive a hardship is just as important as how we survive it. You've had your difficulties finding a job that saw you in your entirety as the incredible person I know you to be. I'm not always the best at understanding what you need when these difficulties befall you. There were times I wanted to tell you to let their rejection and disappointment roll off you, like a rain on a windshield. But that's not what you or I would ever want to hear in the throes of bullshit. But here's the kicker. All of that bullshit led up to where you are right now, starting a new job, at a company that pays well and sees you for the person you are and what you bring to the table. So rejoice!

This is your moment and you're going to do fabulously, helping the public school systems of America find something to do with the grant money hitting their coffers. Don't lose sight of the beautiful journey ahead of you. The twisty, prickly, hairpin roads you've put behind you, though, they brought you to this moment as much as anything else. To quote Christina Ricci and Wednesday, some of the most beautiful, interesting flowers grow in the shade. Bless you in your journey, my dear. With each passing day, we're getting there, I promise.

Oh, love David. Oh, my God. Thank you so much. You're just so eloquently put, and thank you so much for both of your shoutouts, Darkly, Davy, and so much loved you. Now we're moving into self-shout time. Self-shout time. It makes me so happy when it's self-shout time.

And our first self-shout comes out from E-Dute. Edud says, last month I was unexpectedly laid off from my job. And then shortly thereafter, dumped by my boyfriend that I share a lease with, who I thought was the one. Now I'm jobless, apartmentless, and all-around hopeless. Today, mention it's my 26th birthday on the 15th. As a now single mother to two cat fur babies, this is definitely not. not how I saw my life going. It's honestly hard to get through writing this without crying. I'm so sorry, dude. But when the crippling depression and unbearable loneliness start to sink in for me,

I put page seven on and it's perfect. It's easier to fill out job applications while listening to Holden's unhinged conspiracy theories or MJ's hot takes on Crocs. It is the best distraction and is helping me get used to being on my own again. I even listen to the Riverdale Roundup episodes, even though I've never seen this show in my life and I have absolutely no clue what you guys are talking about, just because listening to Jackie and MJ helps me feel like I have friends around.

Although at this point, I'm convinced that the secondhand account and Jackie and MJ's analysis are probably better than the show itself. Thank you, Edo! This shoutout is for me, but it's also for you three and page seven. It's for everyone who has gotten kicked

in the nads by life recently and doesn't know what to do. It's for everyone who is feeling a little lost or confused or unsure of their path in life. It's for everyone who is learning how to be alone. It's for everyone who is learning how to ask for and accept help. I'm turning 26 in two weeks, and when I was 15, my only goal in life was to make it to 25 without letting my depression take over. It seemed impossible back then, but I'm still here. So here's to setting a new goal post and finding what it means to not just live my life, but love it.

So shout out to me. Shout out to anyone else trying to figure out what it means to get their shit together. Shout out to all the Aries out there. And of course, shout out to Jackie Holden and MJ. And shout out thank you to you. Edu, thank you so much for sending that in. And I'm so proud of you. Happy almost birthday, baby. You've got this shit. Man, it knocks you down. 30th birthday saddest experience of my life. But also it was a renewal. And I'm so proud of you for. for seeing it as such. You've got this shit. Hell yeah. Now I'll move it on to Dylan. Dylan also has a shelf. Self, shelf, shout out. Shelf, shout out. Dylan says, hello, page seven family. I just wanted to give a big old slimy shout out to me for maintaining my sanity this year. I've been juggling two jobs, and I'm still finding time to enjoy my many hobbies. For about two years now, I've been working as a forklift driver 40 hours a week with random mandatory overtimes, and just this year I started body piercing for my dad's tattoo shop. Shout out to you, Dad. It's been really tough running from work to work, then the gym, and still trying to find time to enjoy myself. I'm kind of

a Jackie of all trades. I love to make music, sculpt, draw, and many a creative outlet I can find. I've been a big fan of page seven for two years, and I got to say you guys make my workdays a million times better. I want to give an extra big shout out to Holden, fucking McNeely for hugging those muffs and making me laugh to the point of tears. Hashtag, no backhanded compliment. Thank you, Jackie, MJ, and Holden. You guys rock, and I hope to be listening to you guys for the years to come. And I hope you do too, Dylan.

And I would absolutely love it if Holden would let you pierce his nipples. I don't know if we can get old Frozone to do it, but maybe we can, Dylan, with your help. And I want to say thank you to everybody for your shoutouts and for your encouraging words. It means so much to me. You can send in your own to page seven podcast at gmail.com that is seven the number or seven the written out word, whichever we will receive it. Love you guys so much. I hope you have a magical week and I can't wait to talk to you next week. Bye, cuties. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors. You can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to last

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