Page 7 - Ep. 512: It's The goop Guide Episode!

Episode Date: November 10, 2023

This week we got Vegas Jackie HAWT OFF THE ROAD, Holden can't stop thinkin' 'bout them faceless penises on TV, and MJ has a SHOCKING REVEAL regarding their whimsy meter, Jackie was blessed by the Gods and called ON STAGE during a magic show in Vegas, Jackie tells a hAuNtInG tAlE of visiting the Zak Bagans' The Haunted Museum, WE SEE YOU LISTENING, MS. CAREY,  Cher to be floating atop the 5:30am XXXtended Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade this year,  Jackie bringin' Christmas to  Holden during his Thanksgiving Day Parade Stream over on TWITCH!, STRAP INTO YOUR  $28,500 TUFTED BOUDOIR CHAISE FROM LAST YEAR IT'S TIME FOR THE GOOP HOLIDAY GUUUUUIDE!!!! DINGDONGDING!!!!, Jackie looks into The Other Adult Facial, and in Celeb Conspiracy Corner: Did Jackie Zebrowski write the Cheetah Girls Books!??!?!? PART 1 OF A 2 PART LIST?!!?, (BELATED AND CURRENT BIRTHDAY WISHES TO LEXE, GIDEON AND MAMA Z, STINGERS UP!) THE  BLINDZ, SHOUTZ and MOOOOORE!! Want even more Page 7? Support us on Patreon! Patreon.com/Page7Podcast  Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

No, that is not the French candle stick. I was trying to be Elvis. Viva, Las Vegas. We can't go. Oh, it's suspicious by. Okay. What you just did to being thrown off because of your scratchy voice, but it really has nothing to do with that,

because if Elvis doesn't go out on stage and go, Oh, ho. He's never done that. That's not a thing. It sounds like Louie Air doing blurred lines. Yeah. I think maybe you meant to go, oh, no, no, I meant to go.

But honestly, Lou Gehier would do good lines. Here's my thing I always do. This is the craziest thing I've ever heard of my life. I'm all shook up. Yeah, you know you want it. All right. Everybody's about to get up.

All right. Now I'm speaking my language. Hell yeah. Oh, man, I just can't, I can't forget when MJ and I were in San Diego in this bar called the trailer park bar. And then we were both taking pickleback shots. This is weeks ago. Take me back. And then Blurred Lines started playing.

And I was like, what year is it? Yeah. You know, the problem with Blurred Lines is. it kind of slaps. Yeah. That's the problem. It's very upsetting. I hate how much.

You guys know how often it gets stuck in my head. It's a lot. It's so, it's like, it's, we were all right to say how bad it was back then. But now it doesn't feel harmful anymore. It just feels dumb, you know? So like now when it comes on to the bar, if I've had a pickleback, I cannot. It's like my body will just start dancing to it even though my brain is like bad, back. It's the pickleback.

Usher has dropped out of doing the Super Bowl. So they have actually booked just the song Blurrug. for the entire Super Bowl. They're going to just keep bringing out different people to feature on it, but it will be just blurred lines for a full, like, 10, 15 minutes. Do you think they'll have Barry Manolo come out and be like, You know you wanted. Yeah, yeah.

This cock hanging out of his pants, his flaccid dick, just hang out of his pants. There's a British woman being, I like his penis, but I like the other man's penis more. I think I'll go with the other man. Blue, you got to go. Oh, it's Barry Manelow. That's right. Naked attraction on the brain. Oh, yes. Haldon's thinking about naked attraction.

Jackie's thinking about Barry Manilow because she just got back from Vegas. I just got back from Vegas and I can just feel his spirit in Vegas. But I didn't go see Barry Manilow this time. Oh. Because I think Barry Manilow is getting ready for his Christmas special. That's right. I'm so excited about coming out. You're going to say getting ready for his own death.

No, how dare you, MJ? I would never be so rude as. to say that. No, but we did have Jeff planned for me for our first wedding anniversary a weekend of magic, which is what we kept referring to it as. And one night we watched, we went to

go see Penn and Teller, and the next night we went to go see Chris Angel's Mind Freak. And I will say the two couldn't be any more different of shows. Really? I can't even tell you which one I enjoyed more, but I think my answer was

Penn and Teller. I would I would, I mean, you know, actually, I'm pretty sure Chris Angel's probably an amazing show, but yeah, I feel like... Chris Angel puts on, I will say, if you want to roll up to a show where you're kind of half cocked and you're like, I'm going to go gamble all night long, I mean, you're up in your seats, you're screaming, there's pyrotechnics, there's half-naked women everywhere, and they're all like slithering all over the stage. Like, it's insane. But then Pentelor, not, they don't need all of the, like, hubbub. Just two simple guys. But I did get called up on stage to be a part of a magic trick. I can't believe that I did.

I was like, maybe it's just my face. Jeff got us crazy, fun tickets for it too. So I got called up on stage. And I don't want to like ruin whatever the trick was. But all I got to say is I don't know how the hell they did it. Oh my God. It was like the kind of thing, but here's the thing, guys. I think that's kind of the idea.

I know, but okay, all right. Magic. Sometimes you go in with magic with a little bit of like, you know, a chip on your shoulder. Right. I know that there's ways in which you're doing all these things. But when the edibles kick in, right as you're being cold on stage, and I was just so, and I was like, my name's Jackie. Jeff's like, he's like, you had this look on your face.

Like you were the most excited person that Pendelet has ever met. in his life. To be fair, I think you did get some more Botox recently because your eyebrows are on the top of your forehead. Top all the way up top. No, I haven't gotten more talks. I have gotten another tattoo since we last spoke. Yeah, it looks awesome, Jackie. Thank you so much. But no, I got called up on stage and it was like the kind of thing when like he said the number of like whatever the thing that I did was I, like my mouth just like, oh, like I was a cartoon. Just like, what? Like I lost my mind. I love that you were so high. I think that's just so great. Oh my God.

I was too high to be on the stage. I was very scared. Yeah. Like I, the idea of being like I'm high and in the audience and I'm watching a magic show, I better get really high because I'm in the audience of a magic show. Suddenly you're in the magic show. Yes.

And then you're just like on stage and I just, I mean also though like Jeff and I were like dressed to kill. So like I was looking good. I was feeling good. Wow. And I helped them successfully. I will say it's crazy how often you can see how many times the people that they choose screw up the magic tricks. Really?

Because of how many times they have to be like, okay, do you know the difference between the like, this one's a spade, this one's a heart, this one's a diamond? Wow. Like that kind of thing of like and be like, you look at your card. You look at your card, right? Look at your card again. You know what that card is. people would still screw up the trick. Like, then the girl would be like,

eight of spades. And then he's like, and she's like, oh, I mean the other one. Oh. And he's like, you just screwed up though. He's like, you just. I asked you if you knew what the card suits were. But then they're just like getting laughs off of that. Yes, of course.

Yeah. Wow. This is everything that you're telling me is blowing my mind because I got to be honest. The idea of going to a magic show does not sound that fun to me. Really? I would love to go to a magic show. Are you kidding? Like a really big one?

You loved whimsy. I do love whimsy. I guess, okay, so I, okay, to finish the sentence, it doesn't sound that fun to me until I heard you and Jeff started talking about your weekend of magic. And then I was like, and I loved Vegas so much when I was there. I was like, probably any show in Vegas is going to be fun. Yeah. And a magic show, of course it will be fun, especially if you got a bag of edibles that you're chomping on.

So like, I do get it. but I never watched, you know, what's his name, David Copperfield. I never did the, I never was into that type of magic. But you love puppets. In my head, that goes hand in hand. No, I don't know what's wrong with me. I think that I had some sort of, I don't know, I don't know what's wrong with me. It was never something I, I think I was just like, it's all illusions or whatever.

But like, that's the whole fun part. But how do they do it? Yeah, yeah. No, I don't know. I'm not saying I'm right. Like many things I say on the show, I'm not saying I'm right. It's just something that I am unpacking. I don't think, but, but the idea of somebody messing up a magic trick live on, like

people being uncomfortable on stage makes me very uncomfortable, although Penn and Teller are pros, so they must have been totally fine, right? Yes. Oh, yeah. No, they're just so, they're just, it's almost like they've been doing it for 50 years. Yeah, I'm trying to turn the corner on audience and a rat. I think I'd have more fun with it at a magic show where it's a lot more, but I think I'd be, like, freaked out about being called.

on, you know, to go on my stage. Well, because you have no idea what you're about to do. Right. It brings me back to any time you're in a stand-up show, you never, ever, ever, ever, ever want to be called on. Yeah. And so I think I have a lot of residual panic about the idea of ever being called up. It's not that extreme for me for MJ. Ever, ever in your life. Do you ever want to be called on? The ruin. What did they do? MJ? They were like, stupid, stupid, like the whole audience, like, pants them. You know what I mean? You know how, I mean, comedians will say things to try to shock and they'll make fun of you and they will get dirty and they'll do all sorts of things. You don't know what's going to happen if you get called on by a stand-up. And so I have a big block about it.

But yeah, if you get called on in Vegas at a magic show, it would be wonderful. And so this is, I'm just saying my mind is opening up to some possibilities here that I hadn't really thought of. By the way, you know that's completely changed now, MJ? It's totally opposite because of TikTok. because the new thing to do is comedians put all of their, like, heckles and their audience interactions and stuff on TikTok. I have noticed that, yeah, so it's changed the culture of comedy shows. So now people show up to comedy shows thinking that's the show. Like, that's what happens the whole time at the show is crowdwork and stuff because they see these TikToks and they're like,

oh, that's what stand-up is. And it's a whole thing. And there's a lot of people who are very resentful of that because they're like, you're not doing material. You're just like, in fact, you're not even saying something very funny. You're just someone in the audience just admitted to like murdering a guy 20 years ago or something like that. And then you go, oh, so you murdered a guy 20 years ago. Yeah, everyone's like, what? No, no, then the person on stage goes, oh my God, what?

And then like, that's the, you know what I mean? TikTok, then maybe say something kind of funny and then that's the talk. Crowdwork is a skill. Don't get me wrong, but it's not. Oh, it's a crazy skill. Some people are incredible at it. A lot of people are really fucking mid at it. Yeah. And it's annoying.

Like, that's the difference. There are certain specific people who are fucking masters of crowdwork. Everyone else is incredibly mid. Yeah. And then it just feels like they're going to make fun of you. Yeah. Yeah. Totally.

Speaking of being masters of what you do, what I did want to also bring up is Zach Baggins haunted museum, which we went to go see when we were in Vegas. And it is completely worth the money. Cool. It is. I don't know if you're familiar with Zach Baggins. but he does a lot of those like ghost hunter kind of shows. I'm familiar with Bilbo Baggins.

Is he a fucking hobbit. It was a hobbit museum. It was a Lord of the Rings haunted museum. And I was like, this is a haunted. You're just living inside of the hills. My husband will go. That's how I get Gideon to go. No, it was genuinely, like, Zach Baggins collects, like, collects haunted items,

things that have, like, polter guys trapped in them, things that have, like, all across the world. I'm not even going to talk about what was inside of this freaking. museum because I was also pretty freaking high and I was I was in Vegas. I was in Vegas. I was on Vegas on vacation with a part of the dozen

tricks so you know yeah I'm high the entire time and I got so scared inside of this museum it was two and a half like a two and a half hour tour that we took and it was so thorough and so like I was freaked

the fuck out. Yeah this looks awesome I'm looking at pictures of it right now. Dude can't recommend it more because there are some things that I feel like you go to Vegas and like I don't know if this is worth the money and apparently we talked we immediately made friends with one of the people that work there and she was like dude the turnover is crazy too like he's always changing the museum because he has so many items oh I thought you met the turnover of staff because they get so scared they have to leave their job I'm sure it's that too though because like there's a bunch of videos of people like passing out in rooms and things like that yes

Were there any, so what it was... Yes. Based on the conversation from last week, you got totally scared. Was there anything in particular that really got got to you? Any rooms in particular or anything? No, here's the thing. Like, there's some people... There were a lot of dolls.

There was one that was like literally locked up because they showed us the hole in the wall when like she wasn't locked up that like there was a picture that was thrown into the wall. And like they could show you where it was that they hit it. And so now they had her put into the, side of a different room that she was all locked up in, but there was another. Honestly, what really got me, it was Kavorkian's murder van, like where he had set up

like everyone, like where he would take people, which I believe I'm a pro Kavorkian person. I'm not saying this. I have not looked that far into it. I don't know if maybe he's genuinely a murderer and I just don't know. But everything that I know from the outside, I believe in. a right for a person to choose when it's time to go. Totally. But the van, like there were multiple instances.

Like they showed videos of people that like specifically that there was one person that passed that like that they've had mediums come in there that he likes to fuck with female people in the room. And there was something about being in this small room with this van. And in it they have like a corpse all set up and they're playing the music. the music that Gvorkin composed to lull that they would listen to this like symphony kind of thing. And so they're playing the music and then you're just sitting in this like kind of dark room with this van listening to this music and you're just supposed to like have a moment to take it in. And I was just like I got like my stomach turned. And it was just so insane. And I just, oh my God.

Every room was another thing where you're just like, who, okay. All right, I could have a lot of feelings going into this one. Even the entire place itself is haunted. And they go into the history of the building itself. So sorry that I'm talking so much about my Vegas trip. We just had a lot of fun. What are you talking about? This is great stuff.

It's great. I just wanted to like share it because, like, we had so much fun. And, yes, I got, it finally got a monster fucker tattoo. And it is of a television that's got fangs with slime coming out of it. I love it. Monster Fucker for Life, guys. It's on my body. But do you believe in Thanksgiving Day?

Whoa, whoa, what is? I was like, I'm not ready for the conspiracy. I need some gravy on mine, please. That song is a use for a different purpose. You can't co-ons everything for Thanksgiving, Mariah Jackie. You're the Mariah Carey of Thanksgiving. You're taking every, you're sealing, you're sucking the life out of everything else for your gain. Somebody has to be the Mariah Carey of Thanksgiving.

because we know that Mariah Carey isn't the Mariah Carey of Thanksgiving. Man, she really, really steamrolled us. Just steamrolled right over Thanksgiving because if you saw the defrosting, which I know that we did not come up with a joke of Mariah Carey being defrosted in time for Christmas, but it was interesting that on Halloween night she did post essentially her being defrosted out of a block of ice to say that it's time for the Christmas season. And I was just like, bro. Wow, that is something that you joke about.

Yeah, I know. So often. To the point where I got my wires crossed and Jackie had to remind me like, someone wrote in was like, did they actually, does Maricarii listen to page seven? Because I even got my wires crossed. I was like, oh, we always talk about it because she established it. But no, that is something Jackie has established for years now that she gets defrosted. Yeah.

The day after Halloween. Yeah. And then they just like did it. It's so weird. They really did. They did it. And it's, I think. it's funny because when she does it, she's like, I'm defrosted and I'm like all beautiful

and all made up and everything. Whereas when Jackie says they defrost, Mariah Carey, I picture a much more like kind of... Yeah, that's her opening her eyes. Yeah, it's like a grip. Yes, exactly. It's much creepier when I picture Jackie describing it. And then all her kids come in. Of course. But they looked like they looked like they were having fun. They didn't look like they had a gun to their mouth this year.

Maybe they're just getting better at performing, and I think that that is great for them. It is, she is already, she's pushing it. She's pushing it real hard. I will say Jeff did tell me, which I appreciate that he told me because Mariah Carey is going to be performing here at the Hollywood Bowl. He's like, I looked at tickets for you, but then he's like, I didn't know if you actually wanted to sit through an entire con. I was like, I don't know if I do. Yeah. Because you know it's not going to be like, what a show.

You know, it's like, I mean, I'm sure all of her dancers, I'm not saying. but all of the people around the show, I'm just saying she's going to stand there and she's going to be wheeled out on stage. She's going to stand there, she's going to sing her songs. So I don't necessarily need that, but I appreciated him thinking about it.

And the reason why I was thinking some shares is because Cher is being set to be on the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. God, help us. I said last year, I was like, fine, give me that Goku float. But where is Cher? Where is Cher? I was promised all the stars would be

out tonight and I see not Cher. No, Cher is going to be there this year, very excited about it, but also, Holden, how do you feel about the Thanksgiving Day parade being longer than ever this year? Well, not only

because of the way, you know, my situation is now with Winnie, not only do I have to go to Jackie's to do this stream, it is a half an hour earlier, so it will be showing up Jackie's just before 530. to get the festivities going.

5.30. We're going to be drinking fireball at 5.30 in the morning. Wait, it's longer on the earlier end? On the earlier end? Because I'm assuming it's because noon is always the dog show,

so I imagine maybe that's, like, difficult to change. So they're making it a half hour earlier, so it's going to be from 8.30 to noon Eastern Standard time. 5.30 to 9 on the Pacific Center time. And we will be streaming.

and I'm, it's, I look forward to it every year. And I just, I can't tell you yet, Holden, but I'm going to keep promoing the fact that I am going to give you your Christmas present live on the stream. Are you, do you need me to give you some sort of gift? No, that's not why I'm saying that. I'm just saying that like, because it's for the stream. But you're not going to be all weird about not getting a gift like your mother might be who's just landed in town. Oh, mom. Mommy's home.

Mommy is probably collecting legatge right now. Mommy's home. Yes, I've got, that's why if you are familiar with our Jackie's book club over on the Patreon, we're taking a little break over there and we'll be back in about a little over a week and a half because old mama's in town and we got to give her the time of her life. Beautiful. Sounds like I'm going to sell her for sex. Sorry to be a Mariah Carey here, but it feels like where it feels so Christmas.

to see over here. Your mom's in town. The Goop Holiday Guide is out. I know we're not skipping Thanksgiving. I'm just saying I'm like a little, you know, the way that I deal with seasonal depression is to just go extremely ham on the winter holidays and then really plunge into the depths of despair. You should be going turkey.

Come on, guys. Ham is still a holiday meat, yes. Yeah, ham is still a holiday meat. It's just not my preferred holiday meat. Me neither. Ham versus turkey. What do we doing? I'm a turkey.

I'm a turkey lurky. I feel like I shouldn't have you back for tears so quickly, but Thanksgiving food. You have to have me back for Thanksgiving food. Fuck. I'll figure it out. For Tears of a Clown every Wednesday, Twitch. on. com.

Slashlopin TV. Got a bit of a rebrand. Rebrand. LPN TV on Twitch. Check it out. That's also where you can check out Good Pud, where Henry and I are making choices. Yeah. Every club I see.

We are certainly making some choices. I was just saying this on our, on our Thursday stream, but I like, I really don't identify as a picky eater anymore, even though I was a very serious picky eater as a kid, and I'm raising some picky eaters. And I think a lot about eating, but I'm like, think a lot about how I'm not a picky eater anymore. And then every time I see Good Putt, I'm like, I could not. If either Henry or Jackie ever makes me try one of these puddings, I won't. I'll quit. Did you watch the last one? We had Chicken Marsala Pud, and you'd think like, okay, and if you don't watch Good Pud, I need you to understand, we have a producer.

our friend Sam works, who's an amazing baker, that genuinely, it's not just like, oh, this food gets put into a food processor and they stir it up and then you eat that. It's no, no, no. She makes an actual, like, crem-based, like, she puts in all of the flavorings and this one. I didn't know that Sam was the producer. Oh, yeah. She makes all the individual parts and, like, and so, like, grinds everything down. Well, now I feel like I've insulted Sam. Sam understands what she's doing.

Okay. It's a texture thing. This last texture was the word you, I, okay, I would put it in my mouth and everything in my body would be like, throw it up, throw it up, throw it up. And I would sit on my tongue and I'd have to like hold my nose and swallow it down. And then I was just going, alive. Oh my God. In front of hundreds of people. No.

But you know what? You do what you got to do. Man, I wish you were doing that show back when you were drinking a lot. Oh, oh, God. Oh, my God. You'd have been throwing up so much more. It'd have been so funny. Oh, my God, I would have been thrown up.

But yes, MJ, you provided us with the perfect transition into talking about the Goop's holiday guide, the ridiculous, overpriced, absolutely bat shit holiday guy that Goop puts out every year. Under $100 gift guide. I appreciate the under $100 gift guide. And like an idiot, I have really thought for a second, maybe there'll be something on here that doesn't make me angry. Except for the fact that she sells a bonafortuna penitone.

Now, speaking of my mom being in town, my mom loves panitone. She gets so excited because every Christmas or every holiday season, Panetone comes out. But Panetone, you can get for $4.99 at the public. At the Duane Reed. Yeah. So you get at the Dwayne Reed. In New York, they just have stacks and stacks of it on the line at Dwayne Reed.

And I'm like, is this, what is this food that we buy? Some people love it. a box. It's not my thing. It's a Christmas bread, right? It's a Christmas bread, yes. And it's like a bread version of a fruit cake, I dare say. Okay. So it's very like, some people really love it, some people really hate it. I feel it's a little dry, but, like,

I also have had it, like, toasted with butter on it, and then it's fucking delicious. Anyway, this pantatone is baked in Cisily, and it is $65. See, this is the kind of stuff that pisses me off. Where it's like, I don't need it from Cicely. I'll go to the Dwayne Reed. I'll get the four Friday night one. Yeah, that's the thing. You can't, you just can't put your $100 gift guide out and then have it be like wrapping paper for $18. Yeah, it's a lot of like, it's like, it's a lot of $100

stocking stuffers. It's a lot of $100 things that you would normally be getting for like $5 to put into a, you know what you mean? Or like something like this. That's exactly right. That's that I was surprised because I thought it was a pair of shoes for $14 and it's like, wow, a pair of shoes. No, no, no, it's an ornament of a pair of shoes. a pair of shoes. I guess, but right next to it, that flop, that flip flop or whatever you want to call, the sandal for 50 bucks, that's not that bad. Man, you're so sandal blind, it's insane.

That is not a flip flop. That is just so not a flip flop. It's a sandal. It's that thing that I see a lot of the ladies wear in these days where it's like a a strong color, either white or red. There's a hair clip, a hair clip for $40. That's, yeah, the hair clips wild. But of course what we're- Also, what is, what is cupping?

Sorry, you know, you're trying to move on. No, no, no, we're talking. We're getting in it. It's the Goop Guide episode. We're getting in there. Cupping is a form of, like, therapy that people get. I know athletes, a lot of athletes get cupping down. Like, it's supposed to help your muscles.

Have you never seen, like, the rich ladies that have big circles on their backs? Where am I seeing naked richly? No, just like with their backlists. Where are you not seeing naked rich? Yeah, it's everywhere we go. Every time I walk outside, I see at least one rich lady with their tits out. And circles on her back. Like, are you not, oh, right, you're not in L.A.

Yes. I'm not in L.A. You don't see all the Cups. And I am in New York, but I'm not in Manhattan. Smoking a full joint, a giant pre-roll with just tits fully out, counting, counting stacks of money. Yeah, man. Yeah, that makes sense.

It's some sort of activity that we're supposed to spend a lot of money on, okay. Well, I just heard. A lot of oil. Someone just told me about, like, what a facial is for the first, like, as I've ever gotten a facial. It's when someone's over something. Except every night. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

It's when someone comes. Do you see how I laugh at it? Comes on your face. That's not what I'm talking about. Okay. I know what that kind of facial is. Fine. I am talking about the real, the other adult facial.

And I was just like, maybe I should get a facial that I looked into it. And they are very, very expensive. Yes, they are. I had no idea. They're insanely expensive. I was just talking about that with Lexi the other day because she was like, oh, maybe I'll try one of these. facials some of our friends have been getting.

And then she was like, what the fuck? These are crazy. Apparently, they're like unbelievable, but I was just like, Oh, my God. What is unbelievable? Oh, my God, I've watched that show botched. Ugh, crazy. Yeah, but they're, I mean, you don't, that's not, that's not surgery.

He's not going to get surgeries for your facial. I know, but it's just all of it. It's like, it'll change your life. It's life change. It's just like, or just, you know what I mean? You could just, I don't know. You're talking to a person that just bought snail. Musen. So TikTok told me to buy snail musin. I got snail musin. I'm about to put snail mucus on my face.

Yeah, this is when I turn into Bill Burr here when I hear that. It's why become him. But that's awesome. I mean, whatever, dude. Put that slug stuff on your face. Everybody gets to do. I do dumb shit. Give it to me. Give it that slug, man. Every time I try to think something else is dumb, I think about the sheer amount of time I have put in to the video games that I play. And the peripherals I bought for them and the Rubik's cube bullshit that I've been purchasing lately. And I go, it's all the same. It's all this. Everybody just needs to be into something ridiculous.

And it is what it is. Yeah. Everybody needs to be into something. And yeah, the $100 section of goop, just all, it's just very, various different goops and slimes that you put on your face for under $100. And then they've got their over $20,000. $1,000 section as well. Oh, you mean the, or the Inez 24K gold G spot vibrator for $15,000. Unbelievable.

And by the way, I think the craziest thing about the vibrator thing that I was thinking of because we were recently like vibrator shopping. The real crime of it all is you can't try the damn thing. Can't try it. Or like, you can't send it back. You know? And it's like brutal. So if you have to, it's an investment.

If you want like a good one, you're going to, not, not $15,000. That's insane. But like, you're going to need to spend some money if you want a really good one. Also, talk to me. I know, I know. Let's talk vibrators. I love talking about sex toys. But the funny thing is you truly don't know.

But also every single person is different. Exactly. What I might like might not be something you guys enjoy. It might be a really good vibrator for a lot of people, but just not be. positionally right. There's only one way to find out though. Spend $15,000. Gotta get it.

I spend that money, dude. That's so much to be like, to use and be like this doesn't, like, it's such a heart-sinking feeling to be like, this is not going to make me fucking blast some juice right now. And all I want to do is blast some dirty juice all over this man. And all over this Goops gift guide, maybe you should slap some juice on some escargo picks for almost $600. crazy with that. I mean, at least it's like a rich person thing.

Yeah. It's like a rich person's, yeah. They're really cute. Like that's one of those things that I could imagine if money meant nothing to me. I would be like, yeah, I'll get these cute little escargo picks. Except you're going to put the little snails, you're going to be piercing their dead bodies with the cute little version of their alive selves on the top of the pick. Yeah, I want a, if I'm going to fucking be dirty, do a bunch of animals dirty, I want them to suffer extra torture style. You know what you mean?

I want to fucking go hard. I don't want to just sit there and be like, oh, I'm nice to these murdered, you know, animals. Yeah. I want to fuck, you know what I mean? I want to flip it up and not. Is it murdering snails? I don't know.

I feel like it's just, you know. Well, you're the one who invoked their humanity with the escargo picks. I don't think that they care whether they're being speared with a snail-shaped spear or a non-animal. You're right. You're right. I wish they had bigger smiles on their face. And I wish they went, ha, ha, ha. As you stabbed them.

But Jackie, here's the real question. Would you pay $400 for a big old block of Parmesan cheese? Dude, I'm eyeing that Parmesan. I'll bet that Parmesan is fucking awesome. I bet it's amazing. I wonder, is that how much you do not even get a full wheel of it, though? That's crazy. Yeah, you just get a hunk of it.

Do you just get like a pie wedge of it, like showed in the picture? Because that's wild. That's pretty wild. But that's the thing. If I was rich, I would totally, I could imagine really spending money like nice money, money on nice food and nice things, like the escargo picks. I can't imagine spending money on like vibrators and, you know, face. Oh, no, I'm wrong.

You got to spend money on face oils. That's the thing. Once you get the nice face oils, you realize you've got to get the nice face oils. What about the Hermes' dog house for $2,000? You know, I'm not going to buy a dog house for $2,000, I don't think. Yeah, no. I'd buy my dog a Shays lounge. but maybe not just a dog house

because that just looks like a pup town. I was thinking about this though because, you know, watching like Peanuts Christmas and stuff or Peanuts Halloween and stuff like that, what happened to the dog? Everyone like crates their dogs or the dogs sleep in the bed with them.

I feel like the dog house has gone the way of the dodo a little bit. I think it's because we live in Los Angeles. But in general, I mean, my, you know, my brother, they, yeah, everyone does like crates now and stuff. I think that there's a lot of people that still have dogs and keep them like dogs rather than Wittelger

and little boys. I was going to say, I think it's a broader cultural trip. You're talking about your brother right now, but go on. My whole family. Oh, no, no, it's not just my brother, my whole family.

Do you remember how many just unattended dogs were in our lives in the 90s, though? It's really one of those things. Nobody was wearing bike helmets. Nobody was drinking water, and there was just dogs out. Everyone was drinking and driving. Everyone was drinking and driving.

And yet, people would just have like a backyard dog. And I think in the country and stuff, people might still have backyard dogs. I mean, surely they do. and it's fine and they're taken care of and the dogs are happy or whatever. But I do think that that's a cultural shift where it's like,

I think people just don't really have their dogs like sleep outside as often as in the Peanuts Days where, again, I know it is a cartoon, but those children have no adults in their lives. No adult supervision. That actually is what it was like back in the day. Like when my mom talks about her childhood,

she's just like, there was no, we were just outside. Right. There were no adults. And I think there was just dogs and children outside and unattended all day long. And change. Did you imagine just like not just just sitting inside all day, just chill it? Not knowing where your kids are.

Yeah, I think about this frequently because my best friend when I was a kid, my parents were like, were not that hands off. You know, they were like they wanted to know where I was and stuff. And my best friend's parents would just be like, go out and play. And I often think about this when my kids are like needing something to do. And I'm like, what would it be like to just be like, go out and play? I'll see you when the street lights come on, which was what the kind of culture was when I was a kid. But didn't you always get in trouble when you were with other people?

people's parents that had, because like I also, like, even though like I didn't have a cell phone that young, like, I still had to call everywhere I went. My mom always wanted to know where I was every time I switched locations, I was to call. But then when you were around other people's parents that were more lax than your parents, and then all of a sudden cut to four hours later, your mom, like, is fucking piss. Yeah. Because she doesn't know where you are, but I'm like, but, like, Rachel's mom said that I could go do this. And then you're the one that's in trouble? Yeah. No, I know.

I think about this too because also I'm like, I can't believe my kids are going to have cell phones. But like, because I don't want my kids to feel like I'm surveilling them all the time. Are you going to put a tracker on? Well, this is one of those things where I would have, before I had kids, I would have said, of course I'm not going to track them. And now I'm like, no, you got to track them. And I think I want to track them. But I wouldn't do it without them knowing it.

You know, I would be like, no, you got to tell them. I think you've got to track them up to a certain age. And then for your sanity, you have to turn it off. Because, like, also, they've got to make some mistakes and stuff. Totally. And I don't, same with, like, their, like, whatever, they get phones and their internet. You said, I don't really want to know anything about what they're doing. But also, I know that I can't just throw them to wolves, you know.

So you got to, this is. Lemon party. Lemon party. Dot org. No, man. I'm not, whatever, you guys made me go to one recently. I don't remember which one it was. I'm telling you.

They're going to find it. I know. I know. But I think it might be freeing because, yeah, I also had to call my parents. every time I switched locations. And I spent a lot of time as a kid looking at the Peanuts Kids. I know I romanticized it. I know that it's much, much better to have involved caring parents in your life.

People that care about you genuinely, yes, I guess. But I was fascinated by the Peanuts Kids and the Our Gang kids and the kids who had no adults in their lives. Well, you also love the little rascals. Love little rascals. So you always loved unsupervised children. I love the idea of a kid world, like the Kid Nation. Right. I love Ginnation.

It's not a good idea. One of the boys they drank bleach. The 2008 reality show Kittination. And I bet he learned a lesson. No, we tried to do it for the watch along, and it was so divisive. They only agreed to continue to watch it if you join me, M.J, on my Twitch channel to do it. I'm so glad they thought of me because I have a lot of thoughts about Kittnation. I do think that in general, everybody's like changed their mind about it.

Everyone's changed their mind because now it's like, oh, they're being exploited. We have so much of a better understanding of like how this stuff works. Yeah, I'll bet those kids weren't paid very well. No. To be like sleeping on wooden boards and stuff. No, but I... Oh, by the way, kid, you want me to blow your fucking mind right now? Yeah.

Kid Nation, same place they filmed Rust. Kid Nation is the same place where Alec Baldwin allegedly shot that woman. How crazy is that? It's a cursed. It's a cursed town. That is a cursed location. Don't, after the museum, I think everything's cursed. Don't, now I'll never go.

It's called like Bonanza, California or something like that. I don't know what it's called. We can't go there. Yeah, or we should go there. No. We should either definitely go there or never go there. I think it's never go there. MJ tiebreaker, is it definitely go there or never go there?

It's definitely for me, Doug. No, we got to go. No, we got to go. We got to go. Penitent Man shall pass. I'm the person in the horror movie that says like, what, come on, nothing bad's going to happen. And then I get killed first.

Right. Yeah. Well, if I'm there, I'll get, well, I guess I'd go second. Funny fat one goes second. No, annoying nerd goes second. Always. Oh, yeah, because first we know, you'd have to be midfuck. Person of color or someone midfuck.

So we default. Well, I'm not fucking, so I'm sexually frozen. So yeah, probably you then, Jack. All right, I guess I'm first to go. Yeah. I mean, we recently did rewatch Cabin in the Woods, and I think that I was talking to you about this, MJ, but you and Gideon should definitely watch Cabin Williams.

Oh, my God. Yeah, you haven't seen that. It's a great one. Yeah. Especially if you know nothing about it, you should just watch it. It's so fun. Okay, because he was, I've been, we've been watching Bake Off.

Love it. You know, when you're watching something with your spouse, and you look over at your spouse and your spouse is just, like, pretending they're watching, but totally on their phone. Yes. You know, I think he misses our horror movie month, and I don't think that, I think whilst he enjoys a Paul Hollywood and a prue,

I don't think he's quite as riveted. He's not as excited. I mean, to be fair, I mean, that is kind of my phone time when we throw that on. Like, that's kind of my time to be half in the phone. Have you thought about watching magic shows instead? Oh. I guess I need to start watching a bunch of magic.

Well, I think I'd like to watch them live. They're not as fun, I think, filmed, you know? So I'm down, man. I think I need more magic in my life. They do offer a magic show, by the way, in the Goup Guide, is funnily enough. Which is very weird. Magic show tickets.

I guess I'm on the money. Aussie wins inner circle. It's David Blaine presents. I guess it's this show. I guess you sit at the table with this guy too and do these weird card. Whoa, that's too much. I think that I would be like, I don't know. I don't know what to do.

Help me. Puppy V. Wind gust. Don't involve me. If I'm seeing a live show, I want to pretend I'm watching television in terms of the level of involvement. I want to be off the clock. as they say.

Yeah, exactly. I have performed. I got to ask you guys, I mean, got to at least bring this up. The fact that finally it has been declared that Homer Simpson is never going to strangle Bart ever again. It's funny they even had to acknowledge. I like that they finally had to say it. I guess Homer has not strangled Bart in many years. I was going to say, is he still doing it?

No, he hasn't done it a long time. And he said, C-March strangling the boys paid off. Just kidding. I don't do that anymore. Times have changed, which is exactly what Homer said, which I think it's a little bit very interesting perspective from Homer that I don't think that he would have. It's funny that he even said times have changed because even back then, a lot of the reason why parents wouldn't let their kids watch the show was because of the Homer's drinking

stuff. My mom always said. Like, she didn't like, my mom never liked Simpsons. That's why we weren't allowed to watch it growing up. It's funny because that was like the one, like the whole do cartoons make kids violent things? like I have a very strong memory of going to strangle one of my parents. I don't remember which one thinking it would be hilarious. And then both of them being like, what the fuck?

And I was like, that's what Homer and Bart do to each other. And it was like a classic, like, kid doing something violent they saw in a cartoon. And they had to be like, so when you actually strangle us in real life, we don't get like a big, wiggly head. Yes. It's actually, you can't do that. Any anything else you want to hit before we move on to these. Celebrity Conspiracy. No, let's just save it for the leftovers,

which you can check out over on patreon.com forward slash page 7 podcast. Yes. You absolutely can. All right. Hit me with the share. Do you believe it? Did Jackie Zabrowski write the Cheetah Girls books?

This one comes in from Megan, who writes... I guess I wish I did. Megan writes, high page 7. I was scrolling through Tumblr and found this screenshot of someone discussing how insanely written the Cheetah Girls books are. Holden, as a boring boy, you probably aren't too familiar with the Cheetah Girls. But the Cheetah Girls were a series of Disney Channel original movies from the early 2000 starring Raven Simone, in which a group of teen girls form a Destiny's Child, Spice Girls-esque girl group, very proto high school musical.

You'll never guess, but they are called the Cheetah Girls and wear a lot of animal print. Unlike most other Disney Channel original movies, the Cheetah Girls was based on a series of novels written by Deborah Gregory. Or was it? Whoa. Now, what does Jackie have to do with all that? Don't worry. I did zero research back here. But I don't think I need to research.

I think the evidence speaks for itself. After reading just the first sentence of this book, I knew in my bones that our one and only Jackie Zabrowski could be the one and only culprit. All right. So here's just the very beginning. All right. Chapter one. Toto must think my toes are dipped in bark bekeeked sauce.

The way he's trying to sneak a chopperoni on his pointy fangs with his pointy fangs. I have just painted my toenails in a purply glitter shade called Pau, but by snaps cosmetics, and I'm lying on my bed with my feet dangling to the winds so they can dry. I mean, it just goes on and on. But I mean, even just that opening line,

Toto must think my toes are dipped into bark BQ sauce. The way he's trying to sneak a chomperoni with his pointy fangs. I love this. This is actually what all of Jackie's email sounds like if you've ever had the privilege of emailing with Jackie.

I let my fingers do the talking when I write emails. They're not always, they don't always make sense. Yeah, it just goes on and on. I'll try to, is there any other? Give us some more examples. Some more. Chanel is a blend of, uh, is Chanel is a blend of Dominican and Puerto Rican on her mother's side. Let's see, no, let me see here.

At one point she says thank gooseness. No. Yes. Some clearly obvious Jackieism she left for us to discover so we can uncover the true cheated girls author. The Cheetah Girls are from NYC, are divalicious singers, love tiny dogs, and wear animal print sound like anybody we know. As we all know, Jackie's also in NYC, but more importantly, anyone who's anyone remembers Jackie's frannissance. Yes.

A Fran Drescher-inspired fashion movement involving mostly animal print. Was it a franissance or was it perhaps a thin shroud to hide the true inspo? Jackie was going back to her roots. Maybe it was a cry to be seen to finally be acknowledged as a Cheetah Girl's author. Please. Bark Bikou sauce. Chomparoni. Girlina Arena.

It's like she was just waiting for me to find this. Where else do you find such Frankensteining of language? Where else do you find synodstructures that favor creativity over clarity 100% of the time? I'll tell you where Jackie's Instagram captions. And the third point, thank gooseness.

Hello, Gloria. Gloria. I mean, come on. I know what you're thinking. I could just look up the author and easily disprove this theory. Sure, sure, sure. But what if it's a pseudonym? What am I to believe? There are two women who speak like this.

No. I don't give a good goddamn heck that some other lady's name and face are on the back of these books because I know that Jackie Zabrowski wrote these books in the same way that I know, God, not based on fact, only based on faith. Only based on faith. As a longtime page seven listener, I've listened to many Jackie Zabrowski ad reads and read a lot of her Instagram captions. And you've got to be soup of me if you think I'm going to believe anyone else. You got to be super me. but why keep it a secret?

Perhaps Jackie's fan fiction was plagiarized and published without her knowledge or consent by someone trying to single white female her. I'm coming for you, Deborah Gregory! Maybe she was embarrassed about her Disney Channel roots and felt like distancing herself from her older project would be the only way to have a career in podcasting. I can only speculate. Do you believe I know I do, Megan?

I'm so convinced that I think I did do it. Wow. Yeah. I think you did too. Or you need to become friends with Deborah Gregory because she also wrote a one woman show called Working Girls with a Z. It looks like she just likes to be fun with language. Oh, she does?

Oh, my God. I'm immediately looking at pictures of Deborah Gregory. And if we wouldn't be best friends, I don't know who would be. I need to be friend this person. I have to know them. We have to become friends. Oh, yeah. Will you, Deborah, be my friend?

She's fun. Are you looking up Deborah Gregory? She's wearing pink left. I know she looks amazing. She's got a Bichon fris with her. Oh my God. She really is you. Yeah, it's wild.

Wow. Wow. I would say it's reincarnation, except that she's blessed to still be with us. Yeah. And I also did in the past have Nightcat. Yes, I remember Nightcat. I remember Nightcat. Nightcat used to be one of my personas of who would come out at night, meaning I was drunk and would prowl the streets.

Yep. Night cat. Wow. Nightcat. Oh, wow. I don't remember anything Nightcat did except say Nightcat and then his. Yeah. That's all I remember as well.

I'm pretty sure it has something to do with me being a menace. Yeah. And I was a menace for quite some time. We all were. It's just, it's as clear as day. MJ, you believe, correct? Oh, 100%. Jackie's not allowed to answer this one, so I'll speak for both of us.

We believe. There you go. Thank you. Thank you. Because you know I can't give that up. And I guess that means it's time for the list. Oh, who's on the list? Jackie, got to have that list.

18 roles that were almost played by way different actors. I chose this specifically because of this first one, which I did not know. Nicholas Cage almost played Aragorn. Speaking of Bill Bow Bagan's, Cage was offered the role in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, but turned it down claiming family obligations because the shoot was scheduled to take place over three consecutive years. Cage's accent work alone would have been breath.

I feel like the films would have really been taken much less seriously. Yeah, that's crazy. It would have been crazy. I mean, what if he killed it though? And he just became also that guy and just, it would just make him even more of a legend. And honestly, this would make more of a legend for your penis hold and Pamela Anderson almost was Agent Scully. That would have been such a terrible fucking idea. That was good one, right?

I couldn't imagine. I'm just packing penis. Yes, my penis would have... All those penis standing up and say, that is legendary. What? But also, like, not really because she's always wearing, like, a pants suit. You know what I mean? Yeah, but you know what's underneath the pantsuit.

If you want my penis to be thrilled by this, she needs to be in some kind of show about, you know, snake women or something. Yeah, but Dana Scully is arguably one of the hottest characters on television. For sure, in a way, but I was never... So differently than Pamela Anderson. I know. I never... I never... got and maintained erection based off of Jillian Anderson's portrayal.

Really? Well, you're alone and you are alone. I know. I go against the grain and a lot of these things, for sure. But she was very, she was the opposite of Pamela Anderson in many ways. She was always wearing baggy, frumpy clothes that covered her entire body. She was always scowling. I don't think so, Mulder.

Yeah. I remember thinking she was such a buzzkill. Speaking of scowlers and someone else I'd like to see in a body con outfit, Tim Burton wanted John Lithgow to be his Joker. Honestly, actually, this is one of the only ones, definitely the only ones so far. Lifgo? Lithgow, yeah.

He would have fucking killed. He's amazing. He's greated everything he does. I love him. I love him. Yeah. I think that he could. Are you a big Third Rock from the Sun fan?

Oh my God. Huge. I'm a huge fan. I also was obsessed because like he was just so great in World According to Garpin that of course, as you guys know, if you know the lore of Jackie, that was the movie that I was obsessed. with for quite some time and also a book that MJ was also weirdly obsessed with. Yes.

You know, the weird backstories of us. Burton approached Lithgow for the role of the Joker in his 1989 Batman. Lithgow admits that he did not anticipate the success of the film and regrets that he didn't actively pursue the part. Instead, he wound up with a different secret identity, High Commander of the Expedition to the Third Rock from the Sun. I mean, that shows one of my fate. We did our 90s sitcom Tears of the Clown over on Twitch.

TV Ford's L.L. P. And every Wednesday. That's S-tier. That's an S-tier show. I think I fought for S-tier. I think it ended up at A. I could be wrong, but I, because I was the only one that was like, this is... Who was so wrong?

Who made such a strong choice? I don't know. It just isn't as remembered because it was... It didn't get the love back then, but that show... Yeah, I never watched it. I remember my dad and I, like, religiously watching it and being like, I can't believe more people aren't talking about the show. The show was so funny.

Jane Curtin, John Liff, Gavis. The whole cast is amazing. It's crazy that Jane Curtin was in it. Why didn't I watch it? I was obsessed with you. Do you watch it now? You know why it's a very like silly premise? It's because it's like cone heads.

It's aliens and hiding in plain sight. Does Kristen Johnston is also in it? Like talk about, oh my God. Everybody in it is so good. The writing is hilarious. Like I just remember loving that show. Like every, yeah, it was crazy. Like that was one of that.

That and like news radio, right? Where the shows that were clearly best. better than all the other ones, and yet it was always like Friends and Seinfeld being celebrated the most, you know, which I agree with Seinfeld being celebrated, but regardless. Also, Friends got F tier that episode, which I thought was insane, but I also was like, by the way, rest of peace, Matthew Perry, but I was also like, oh, like, I can't, I don't, I thought someone else here was going to fight for it to be higher. I can't believe I'm the only person who thinks it shouldn't be F tier, but also, I don't care. I don't care. Just because it's... FTA is harsh. Yes, FTEer, I think, is a little harsh. Very harsh. For something that is that wildly successful of a show. Chat, chat didn't go to bad for it.

Wow. Like, none of the people on the panel went to bad for it, so it was just, it was just, it was an LPN audience. Wow. There's no one went to bad for it. It just, it means so much to people. I know. I could, I was like, if Lexi was here, she'd be rolling around in her grave. She just buried her alive.

She buried her alive yesterday. Happy birthday, my beautiful wife. Aw, Scorps. We got Scorps in the house. And happy birthday to Gideon, whose birthday is today as you are listening to this. Hey, hell yeah. Is it today?

Well, it's tomorrow, but for the day as you're listening. Sorry, I didn't mean to question whether you knew your partner's birthday. I just know that he shares a birthday with my mother. So I was like, I thought that. So they share, we got Scorps into house. Scorps in the house. All right. Last but not least, this would have been.

been very different. Sandra Bullock turned down the role of Neo. The producers of the Matrix approached a number of actors in their long search to find Neo. One of them was Bullock and they were willing to change Neo into a woman if she accepted. Bullock wasn't interested, deciding that starring

in forces of nature, a now forgotten rom-com, was a better career choice. Honestly, we might come back to this list next week because there's a lot of good ones on this list. So, you know what? We'll come back to it next week. All right, we're coming back with part one. Stay tuned for part two of this delicious

list. Yeah, this sultry, scrummy. It's a scrumely list. It's a scromy list. Oh, crap. That's what we didn't talk about that I wanted to talk about. What? Patrick Dempsey being the sexiest man alive. It just was released this morning. Let's talk about it for a second. We still have time. We've got a little time. Yeah. We're just a little before the hours. Can I just say, all right, I know I can feel the slaps from Gray's fans from here. I had to straight up look up if Gray's Anatomy was still going because I know Ellen Pompeo was leaving the show

so I thought they were ending it with her but they're not. So I'm like, all right it's on season 20 I believe is coming out next year and McDreamy like more like Mick Borough-Snoro I think at this point I'm not saying he's not an attractive man but like

McBorros Snoro at this point. I'm going to what up you and say I had to look up Patrick Dempsey to remember what he looked like, which is probably a me problem, but he's not particularly memorable. He's just not in the, he's not in the zeitgeist. Yeah, I mean, he definitely is because of Grease. I, my problem is I was more in living with Patrick Dempsey. Who talks about Grey's Anatomy? But people that love Grace. But people that love Gray's love Grace. The fact that it's still on season 20, there's many people that love Grace. And like I loved Patrick Dempsey from all, like, he was in Sweet Home Alabama. He was in a bunch of like, talk about forgotten rom-coms from the 90s and early 2000s that I was, so I was in love with him. So I get like, he's, oh, I guess he's in the new Thanksgiving movie that's coming out, which I am going to watch. I'm sorry, it is a wasteland on his 2006 present section of his Wikipedia page. Like, I know the man has been, has a great career. Oh, also the movie with honors. Richard Jones's baby. Yeah.

Like, a sequel to love actually? What are we doing here, people? How was he the sexiest man alive? I'm sorry, Patrick DeFsey. I feel like maybe this is like almost like a retcon. Or like they were like, oh, we should have given this to him. A while ago. So fuck it.

We just let's, because right, I mean, I guess who else would it go to right now, though? Pedro Pascal. Pedro Pascal. Pedro Pascal. I can't believe. But he hasn't really done anything this year. But still, like, he was the man of the year. He hasn't done anything.

For God's sake. Jesus craze. I just feel like there were other choices that could have been chosen. And I just kind of, I fell asleep. I was just, I couldn't care. I'm asleep. You're telling me that the man who was in Made of Honor, Sweet Home Alabama and Enchanted. Don't shit on these movies. They're from 2008.

They are from 2008. I love enchanted. Fuck you. Okay. You're rolling around in your grave right now. Honestly. To bury you a lot. You know what you would love him in though?

With honors. I'm telling you, MJ, with honors, is Brendan Fraser. It's Joe Pesci is in it. And it is that they're all at, and, like, Patrick Dempsey plays like his, like, kind of, like, snooty-ish, kind of, like, poet-esque, like, feeling friend kind of thing. I think that you would follow. And that movie came out in 1994. In 1994. And I was 12.

I was in hell with that movie. You guys weren't even 10. I cannot believe this. I was in love with Brendan Fraser, okay? Brendan Fraser would actually be a good one for this year. What about, has Harry Styles gotten in? Yeah, Harry Styles? But also, Brendan Fraser would have been a great one for this year.

It would have been a great one for this year. I have to agree. I think he is a very sexy man, and I bet he throws a fat load out there from a time or two and gives a good facial and you don't have to pay hundreds of dollars for it. You might have to pay hundreds of dollars for it. But I don't know that he's just not in the current. You know what I mean?

He's just not in the nat. Like, all he would have needed was to have one project of interest now. I guess he's in Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is the horror movie that's about to come out yet. So I'm assuming that's why they're like trying to get a bow, like ahead of his time. Damn, who are his PR people? I want those people. Jesus.

I mean, Ryan Gosling could have been. this year. It could have been fucking Kieran Killing and Murphy. Oh, what's his name? The bear, the bear. Yes, it could have been

Jeremy Allen White. It could have been Jeremy Allen White. It could have been, there are, like, even with the strike, we could still remember what famous people exist, you know.

Yeah. What is happening? I don't know. It could have been Orville Pack. It could have been Ann Diplow, fucking each other on the cover. Oh, sexy.

Best men of the year who fuck each other. Yes. Oh, by the way, someone did write in a couple people wrote in the Andy Coen, it was Andy Cohen, right? The Andy Cohen

John Mayer story. I have to clear, right? That was the celebrity conspiracy, right? That they were lovers. The picture, or a blind item, the picture of them holding hands of pride is an AI generator.

Which, by the way, we have to deal with that now. Damn, so we don't know what's real anymore. Damn it. Sad, gag, get on it. Also, speaking of Andy Cohen, did we talk about give the dad? some juice because that's something Give the daddy some juice.

And it turned out to something that he actually said. This is another thing that we managed. Based on our conspiracy, I'm starting to believe that maybe Jackie is multiple people including Andy Cohen himself. Oh my God, I wish.

She's manifesting the unthawing of Mariah Carey. And she is manifesting everybody's saying phrases like, give the daddy some juice. It's such a Jackieism. I could not believe that was an actual quote from him. I 100% thought it was.

a Jackie-esque summary of what he said. I'm seeping into the media. Andy Cohen asks CNN to reverse the alcohol ban for the New Year's Eve special, give the daddies some juice. So good. That's so funny. Let him get drunk. Come on.

Let him get drunk. If they're sober. Yeah, no one cares. No, because last year when they couldn't drink, all they did was complain because they couldn't drink. Yes, they were just like, what is this over? Yeah, because they wanted to go get hammered. And that's fun.

But also they were like, at least this, yeah, hopefully I will not be sneaking it. So I think that applies they were sneaking a little bit of juice last year. Sneaking it. Of course, you got to be too. Yeah, exactly. You don't want them looking at their watch. It's already miserable. It's freezing cold.

They're in Times Square of all fucking horrific places to be on New Year's Eve. Let them drink. It warms them up. It makes them loose. It makes them fun. Yeah, they say weird things. Give the daddy some juice is right. Give the daddy some juice.

I'm going to be saying that to love. Lexi on New Year's Eve. Give the daddy some juice. She's like, you're drunk and you're making it full of yourself in front of your time. Yeah, give the daddy some juice. Just because my cocks out of my fucking pants in front of my family. Does not mean that I'm gonna turn it to Bill Cosby. Don't do that, please.

But anywho, regardless, I hope they give the daddy some juice this year. And I hope that I can get my eyesight fixed because I think I'm going. Blind. items. Oh, we can't see them. The A-list former boy bander who would love nothing more than to get back together with them really should look into the whole phone-stealing thing going on at his club. At this point, you probably shouldn't even bring your phone at all if you're going to even set it down for a few minutes.

He's got a club in Nashville. We talked about it when we were there because our friend... Kid Rock. No, he's part of a boy band. Yes, he's part of a boy band. And he sucks, especially right now. He's part of a boy band. Justin Timberlake.

Yes. Remember he had a bar. I didn't realize that. Because our friend said they had to, they were like, I made, it was very funny. Our friend was like, I made friends with this girl, but I immediately wanted to stop being friends with her because when we went to go meet up, she had us meet up at Justin Timberlake's bar in Nashville. Oh, God. On Broadway, which is like the lamest place. It was like, ew, you want to meet there? I don't think we could be friends.

But we did go to Kid Rock's bar in Nashville. We did go to Kid Rock's Bar and we drank Bud Lights. And we drank Bud Lights and protests. And it's just hilarious that he sells a blood light there. It's a real issue right now, apparently, on Broadway and Nashville. Watch your phones, everybody. Dang. If you go to the epicenter of Bachelorette parties, by the way, it's now beaten out

Las Vegas for Bachelorette party, for being the Bachelorette Party Ground Zero. That is Nashville, Broadway. You'll see it, too. It's insane how many Bachelorette parties are just constantly annoying you there. It's wild. And they all think they're the only Bachelorette party that's ever gone to Broadway and Nashville. Let them have fun. But wait, what is JT's club doing?

Phones are getting stolen. Apparently the real issue, yeah, apparently Jason Aldean's bar has had the most calls for theft over the past year. Really? Isn't that funny? It's not a lot of down. Try that to, yeah, exactly. Try that in a fucking small town. You get all phones stolen out of your fucking bar, you fuck face.

So anyways, yeah, don't leave your phones out of Nashville. But also, who goes to, like, a busy bar at, like, Times Square? style place and just puts their phone down, Willie. Like, that's crazy to me. No. But anyways, uh, the girlfriend of the A-plus list actor knew what she was doing at the Halloween party. She made a lot of money selling those photos.

Getting a fistful of that ass. Oh, my God. Oh, Leo. Do you know her name? No. Victoria Sorretti. Oh, Victoria Serretaireti. Oh, no.

She's dating Lenarka. And she gets a big, a fool of a. ass a grab up. She got a fat fist, but an ass. Hands just down his pants. Just so down his pants. He had like little, he had like teenager boy boxers. We did talk about that picture, right?

Did we talk about the picture? Okay, if not, I definitely threw it out there. No, we talked about it. There's a picture. Yeah, there's a picture of this gal. Holy down his ass. With her hand, like so far down the back of his pants. Like, I'm like, is she actually tickling the rim of his butt?

She's 25. It was like a gronkey's delight going on. Gronky's delight, but she knows her time. She knows she only has a couple of more months left to get in that ass, you know? Oh, yeah. What is she 26 and a half? She's 25. She's got to go out of time.

Get in there while the getting's good, you know? In that ass. Dirty-to-to-talk. Yeah. Dirty-knit-knit. You know he doesn't clean it. He's too good for that. He doesn't even take his headphones off of these fucking if he cleans his ass on.

Those pictures were really hard because I'm somebody who's wanted to kiss Leonardo de Caprio since I was 11 years old. And when I saw her with her hand-tie, his ass like that. I was just so not interested in doing that. Well, you know, the other part of it is... I don't want to do that. He had his boxers in a way that was like a teenage boy.

Like, they were all puffed out. But not in a cool kid way. Like, in a, I don't... I need to, like, go into the bathroom and, like, pull my boxers, like, reset my underwear situation because I'm just, they rode up all weird and so. Yeah. So it just looks bad. It's just not a good...

It's not sexy. She got that ass. But she got that fucking ass. She did. she did get the ass. And then she sold the photos. This last one is an interesting theory. Actually, there's a little bit of a conspiracy, too, in a way.

We have to try to guess which ex it was. This A-list actress slash sometimes director told a story about one of her exes. She wouldn't say which one, but she doesn't have that many. She said that the ex tried to use the carved mouth of a pumpkin as a way to pleasure himself. Apparently, when that didn't work, he used one of the eyes, but cut himself. badly and had to wrap himself in a bandage for a week. Olivia Wild. Wow.

Wow. That was great. I was about Sigretta Gerwig. Who's the ex? Is it Ryan Gosling? Is it Justin Timberlake? Is it Jason Sudecas or is it Harry Stiles? Do you think tried to fuck a pumpkin?

I think it's Harry. I think Harry fucked the pumpkin. You think Harry fucked the pumpkin? I think Jason Sadekis fucked the pumpkin. I think Justin Timberlake fucked the pumpkin. Dun dun dun da! Oh, fuck the pumpkin. Of course, Justin Timberlake, fuck the pumpkin.

He seems inept. He seems like he has no understanding that, like, you know what I mean? He's got like the reasoning of a toddler, it seems. Yeah, that's true. He has no understanding of cause and effect. Your girlfriend's writhing around on the floor, having, you know, an abortion, and you walk in with your guitar and start serenating? You're talking about the Britney Spears memoir.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. very, well, he was 19. Could you imagine? Ooh, baby, I love your ways. You're just riding around on the floor. You think that's what he played? My insides are on fire.

But this is why I said Harry Styles, because as Holden often points out, people are mentally stuck at the age where they became famous, which is why Leonardo DiCaprio's wearing his pants like a teenager. Right. Because he got famous when he was very young.

And so I think either Harry Styles or. JT. Fucking the pumpkin because it's something an adolescent would do. A boy would do. Yeah, as we witnessed an American pie, the whole

name of that movie is based on the part where he puts his penis into a pie. Are we talking about a jackalanturn? We're talking about a jackalanchard. Jackalander, yeah. He's fucking the jackalancher. Yeah, yeah. What do you think?

I don't know. Maybe he just got a hole in the side of a gourd. I don't know. That would work better. Gourd humpin. I'm just saying if you're fucking a jackalanturn, don't you know that it's empty in there? It's not going to feel like fucking a pie.

But maybe you leave the goosh inside and you like the feel. You can't carve a jackal lantern with the goop inside. I just carved a jackalanta. Well, he could pour a bunch of slime in it afterwards. True. Yeah, there's that post the post cut goop. Yeah. That's what I see.

And it is on the Goop Holiday Gift Guide is a fuckable jackal enter with slime in it. It's only $12,000. But, oh my God, worth it. On the under $100 list is a bag of pumpkin guts that Justin Timberlake did fuck. Put his penis inside of you go I think the tips of the seeds would cut Yeah don't fuck a jackal inter Yeah it would all come

Well he did cut himself badly it says And he had to wrap himself in a bandage for a week His penis He had to put his penis in a bandage for a week Put it in a sling And Olivia Wilde was just like yeah I think that's fun because I'm evil She is evil

Yeah She makes vinauettes And calls it a fancy salad She makes the most basic salad ever and then is like everyone wants to fuck me because of my salad. It's like, no girl. Nah, bitch. They're all lying. Have you eaten my lasagna?

That's how you get a rain. Well, I tried to fuck it and I cut myself braiding. Yeah. Cut myself blading on a pumpkin. Not interesting. What did you do for your spooky lasagna last week? You put some googly eyes on it. Yeah, I put some googly eyes on it.

And then I also did I put the blood with the knife stabbing out of it as. well. Oh, okay. My suggestion. Yeah, I used your suggestion. Wow. And then I also put, but I did put little, um, little eyeballs of mozzaree. And I put some olives, sliced olives on top of it for the pupils.

And, um, it kind of looked like eyeballs. There you go. Well, you're welcome for my suggestion. Thank you. Thank you. So. Can't believe he is told them the suggestion. And not yours.

I'm sorry. And not mine. Sorry. Which was make a jack-a-lantern out of the noodles. Well, and then fuck it. I will, I will say, this is the problem. And cut yourself. I did use the eyeballs to make a spooky face on one of them,

so I did kind of make like a moussadele turn. Yeah, no, it's fine. You do want sauce on top of the noodles, so you can't just make a jackalanturn out of the noodles and then put, so. Yeah, because then it's just dry-ass noodles on the top. Like, what are we doing here? No, you're right. You're right.

Holden was right this time. Holden can have this W. All right, sneezing. Are we getting out of here? My allergies are out of control. Jaggy's a mess, dude. My allergies are just so crazy. It's so hard.

You need a sneeze button for the mic, like they have the cough button. I'm sorry. No, you're fine. I'm just, I'm glad you made it through. It's just my face is dripping. That's all.

I recently heard, eyebrows on the top of the forehead. I recently heard a dirty joke about sneezy, the dwarf from the seven dwarfs, and I'm trying to remember it. I think it was just like, why did Snow White close the blinds? Because she wanted to get a handful of that ass. Yeah, basically.

She was feeling sleepy. I guess it's not about sneezing. What? Oh, she was, yeah, it was about sleepy. It's about sleepy. She was feeling sleepy. What the fuck is wrong with you? Jesus.

Wow. That was real. What did you vote for the sexiest man on people? Are you the decider? Wow, that was real swing and a miss on my part. I think you killed it. Yeah, the joke was good. You remember the joke.

It was just weird that you attributed it to a completely different character. and just said the joke that you fully remembered and said a completely different character's name. Very bizarre. She was not feeling sneezing. I thought you were going to say

something about using snot as lube or something. I also was like, is it going to be like a phlegm type thing? I'm not looking forward to whatever this joke is about to be. No, it wasn't that dirty. It wasn't page seven levels of dirty. It was like a normal person,

dirty joke. Regular dirty. Well, thank you for sharing MJ and thank you guys so much for joining us on this week's episode. You can see, right? You can see. I, you have cleansed me with your truths. You are welcome, and yes, I did write those Cheetah Girls books.

Yeah, girl! I wish that I had. Thank Gooseness. Thank Goosness. Don't you forget it. My name is Jackie Zabrowski. You can follow me on Instagram at Jack That Worm, and you can come hang out with me over on Jackie's Book Club. Like I said, we are in the middle of a little hiatus because we are starting a whole new series. called a soul to keep.

And it is, I have not read through. I only read the first like 20 pages of it. And I was like, you know what? This is the one that we're going to do. So come on board. Betron.com forward slash page 7 podcast. That's not the only thing you get on there because you also get our extra episode every week

called The Leftovers as well as our $10 and up tiers. Also every Thursday night, it's our jerseys. We hang out over on the Discord and we watch Jersey Short together. It's the best. Check us out. Page 7 Podcast at gmail.com. Send in your conspiracy theories, all that good stuff as well as checking out the Patreon. Patreon.com forward slash page 7 podcast as Jackie just mentioned. Twitch.tv. TV for hold to natures ho. Check me out. We are streaming all week long, but especially check out my Jack and with the Holdy stream that I do with Jackie. We are going hard through the rest of the year on that over on Fridays. That 6 p.m. ET. Twitch at TV forward slash Holdenaders ho. I turned into a robot man just then. Yeah, I liked it. My name is MJ and I'm MJ KL Kat on Instagram.

All right, let's sing the song. Shout, shout, let it all out. These are the emails that you wrote it about. Come on, we're gonna read them to you. Come on. It's time for the shout outs. It's time for the shout outs. Oh my God, is she still singing?

Yes, she is. And you can send in your own shoutouts to page 7 podcast at gmail.com. Again, that is page 7 podcast at gmail.com. Send in whatever the heck you'd like. We love hearing from you. It always brings a smile to our face. Our first shoutout goes out to Jess. Jess says, my name is Jess, and I'm a huge fan of the page 7 crew. I started listening when I was going through a rough time and needed to add something to my podcast rotation that would help me laugh. Page 7 came to the rescue for sure. Believe it or not, the gronky intro episode was just what I needed. Not sure what that says about me. It says that you're amazing, Jess. Jess continues on to say the friendship you three have resonates through every episode as well as the chaotic humor. It seriously fills my cup every week. Thank you.

I shared the podcast with my little sister Lizzie because she is just as warped as I am. Hell yeah. Love sister love. Lizzie is a counselor for surviving. at Pittsburgh Action Against Rape. She's dedicated her career to supporting the growth and healing of individuals who are often let down by the system and society in general. Oh my God.

Needless to say, the heaviness of her daily life calls for a fun mental getaway, so she was immediately a fan too. It's been so much fun to go through your catalog with her sharing our favorite episodes. We were fortunate enough to get tickets to see you in Pittsburgh. Oh my God, I'm sad that we didn't drink. with you and naked men too. It was so awesome to see the show live and Wizard and the Bruiser. We fucking loved MJ Bravely celebrating their body amidst the Twilight Fever Dream sketch, watching Holden doing his interpretation of breakdancing, and of course Jackie

looking fabulous and rocking the cutest crocs while slamming an ice like a champ. Lizzie's birthday is on November 6th. I would love it if you could give her a shout out to let her know how awesome she is, not only for supporting survivors at work, but for being my best friend and someone who can sit with me through the heavy shit and also cackle with me through the weird and funny shit. She deserves nothing but the best, and I would love your help in wishing her a wonderful day and a year full of happiness, health, and adventure.

Oh my God, Lizzie, so much love to you and happy, happy, happy birthday, you beautiful, scorp! Thanks to all of you for bringing your authentic selves to the audience weekly in a world where it often doesn't feel safe to do so, and for building a community of folks who are trying to do the same while, laughing along the way. Best, Jess, I sent so much love to you too, Jess. Thank you so much for sending in your shout out. Ooh, we've got some love coming in from Kendra, not only for us, but also

for Thanksgiving. Kendra says, I want to give you Jackie, Turkey, Tsar, Sobrowski. Oh my God, if I should just get that tattooed on my breasts. A big shout out and thank you for never forgetting Thanksgiving and unbeknownotes to you, sometimes my birthday. Kendra says every November 1st, the world erupts in premature Christmas cheer, while the unyielding drone of Jingle Bell smothers out the gobbles of a superior season. It pains me to see Mariah Carey defroscing each year, as I know this diva will once again upstage everyone else in the world. But not you.

Never, Jackie. You refuse to yield. And for that, I am forever grateful because I also love Thanksgiving. However, my love is selfish, because I was born on Thanksgiving in 1990. 90, so I've always merged the holiday with my birthday, because unfortunately, as it goes with holiday birthdays, there were no friend parties. Everyone was away with family, so birthdays were always a little unremarkable for me, which makes the passive dismissal of Thanksgiving sting a little more in my adult years. But I always loved having my birthday aligned with such a special holiday anyway, because I got to choose my favorite side and dessert for the food spread, and I got to spend it with all my family, which made me feel extra loved. So thank you, Jackie, for making me feel secondhand special all over again every year because you never forget the joy of Thanksgiving.

And I will never forget the joy of you, Kendra. Happy early birthday. And I'm sorry that you get wrapped up. You get all wrapped up in the turkey of things. But thank you for sharing your joy and your love of your birthday along with the holiday season. So much love to you, Kendra. And our last amazing shoutout goes out to Jake. Jake says, like, just listen to the new episode.

and I heard Emily's shout out about sobriety. I recently emailed in about the Taylor Swift NBA conspiracy. La, la, la, I can't hear you. I don't read the conspiracy emails. And Holden Reddit on your show and it made my whole month. Oh, okay, well, that one I did know about. Sorry, the second I see conspiracy email, I keep going. But thank you so much for setting that in, Jake.

But sobriety has been an issue for me, too. Roundtable and last podcast were my comfort shows. I listen to them all the time. And I still listen back to old episodes to make me feel like I'm in a room full of old friends. So many people have come and gone. But I'm engaged now. I have a new home, and I found myself living just like I did as a weary wannabe pastor in Kansas. Drinking to swallow the problems I couldn't tell other people.

Drinking to feel grown up. Drinking to kill a hangover and make it through a workday. I'm an executive chef and I've spent the better part of my days trying to figure out how life was. works. My beautiful and loving fiancé, Alexis, has been nothing but supportive of me. But it's time that I be supportive of her by quitting drinking. I'm seven days sober. Congrats! As I write this, the longest I've ever been without a drink in my hand in the last two years. I've got her, I've got my dedication, but I also have you guys. Roundtable was fun to sit and drink to, but, and this is important, just as you have all grown in your lives, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm

starting to grow in mine. You, Jackie, and Holden and MJ are such great influences on me. You make me feel like I'm not the problem, but that everyone has a problem that they can solve. I open Spotify every day waiting for a new episode because this is my new roundtable. This is my new group. I hope to be as thoughtful, funny, and sincere as you three in my new path forward. Here's the seven days and 777 more. I love you guys. And all you guys. And all the love goes out to you, Jake, and thank you also for your separate private note as well. It makes me so happy. I'm so happy for you.

It's so difficult to make that change. And good for you. You are starting down an amazing path. And I'm so happy that Emily opened up and helped open up this door for you. So much love to you. So much love goes out to you and your fiancé. While you're planning, you can do it without drinking. I know the planning gets stressful.

Wedding planning gets very stressful. But you don't fucking need it. You don't fucking need it. I love you so much, Jake, and I love everybody that sent in your shoutouts. And heck, I love you, even if you didn't send in your shoutouts. But if you want to send in something, you can send it in to page 7 podcast at gmail.com. Again, that is page 7 podcast at gmail.com. I hope you guys have an amazing week.

And I hope that your Thanksgiving season is kicking off just so beautifully. And a lo-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-h. To you. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors, you can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to lastpodcastnetwork.com.