Page 7 - Ep. 532: I Am Hard and I Am Ashamed

Episode Date: April 19, 2024

This week Holden, Jackie and Big Earl are gossin' about it bein' T Swift release week, complete with a 4/19 Taylor Swift album release stream, PLUS IS TAY DOING DDDDDRUGS IN DA WOODS?, Grimes rides out to her screaming Coachella doom on a robotic spider and probably wishes she had Will Smith's memory eraser from his Coachella performance as Agent J (complete with creepily muscular alien dancers), Madonna brings Ricky Martin on stage for to vouge and he subjects everyone to the outline of his HOG, everyone's gettin' ready 4 Joker 2, A SPECIAL QUEST BURSTS THROUGH THE DOOR DURING CELEB CONSPIRACY; Did Beyonce Kidnap Sia!?!? AND WHAT'S THE PIGGY PLACE? A list full of iconic characters almost played by people you'd never expect AND MORE! Want even more Page 7? Support us on Patreon! Patreon.com/Page7Podcast  Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Jackie, you're not even synced into the zeitgeist right now because she didn't even perform at Coachella. But this song has been stuck in my head and that is what you're going to hear because I was listening to Guts. And Olivia Rodrigo is amazing. And there's this damn bridge and it goes, they all say that it gets better. It gets better. The more you grow. Yeah, they all say that it gets better. It gets better.

But what if I don't? And that line is murdering me. But what if I don't? Welcome to page seven. Yeah. Yeah, think about yourself. Think about your life choices. Is that what you thought you were going to have at page seven today?

Correction, Jackie. Think about your fucking life choices because she did perform at Coachella. She was invited on stage to perform with no doubt. Oh, that doesn't get. I meant she didn't do a whole. She performed. She performed. She got up and she calivanted about that she strutted and stunted.

You're both. She dresses a herodzuku girl? Sometimes we are both right, okay? That's not true. Holden is always wrong and I am always right. And we all know this. It's canon. On Man's Month, unbelievable that you would do this.

Also, oh my God, okay, let's just talk about that. Happy Taylor Swift album release week for all those who observe, I want to hear the sad British Madspina. This is where it really shows that as much as like MJ and I, I really, I do. I listen to Taylor Swift probably too often. But I don't become like this. Right.

That's when you know I'm not actually, like I can't identify as a Swift. Right. I can't say I'm a Swifty because I don't do this. Right. What are you talking about? It being normal. Maybe some Swifties are hearing this being like,

I don't do that. I don't act like that. And you're right. But you know, I have to deal with this and this is what I have to compare myself to. I'm being normal. It's a normal week. I just have a special thing.

the British man and his tiny little winner, tiny little winner, tiny little winner, he's got a little winner. I am so excited. Everyone's so excited. He's very excited. I'm happy for you. I'm glad you I'm glad you get this anticipation. I think people are saying, but Daddy, I love him is about Maddie Healy, which is fun. The word on the street. I really could do without any specter of that guy on this album. I know that we're hating men on the album. I love that she sucked the bad. rock man's dick. I think it's fun. It was like the only thing she's done that's like kind of you know, like wild.

Like letting her freak flag fly besides being in the vicinity of a blunt this past weekend. I don't know. Word on the street is that she was doing trucks. My God. Travis Kelsey. Oh my God, dude. That's the word on the street. And everybody who's anybody knows that I bet she was doing

trucks. Yeah, I mean, she was at a music festival so I really hope they did. But yeah, there is that one video of them hanging together. at a edmish sort of show that I don't know even who it was. I'm bad at I'm out of the loop. But Ice Spice was directly in front of them and she was smoking the blonde dad

and then they were smelling it and making out. Also, it made me, I understand. It's a celebrity. I understand you want to get the photo. I know you want to get the vid. There was just so many videos and photos of them. Ed Coachella was like, I don't give a shit. This isn't about them.

Leave them alone. It is funny. Let them do their drugs. I know they're huge superstars. And they, like, we shouldn't be, we shouldn't have to leave them alone. But like, come on, let them fucking do drugs and kiss in a crowd. I saw so much more footage of celebrities watching other celebrities perform. Than the actual.

Yes. Than I did, celebrities performing. Although there were those amazing live feeds of the stuff. We got, well, live on Jack and with Aldi's, we got to watch a little bit of chapel set as she went live during our stream. How dare she, by the way? Doesn't you know we have a stream? But anyways, it was amazing. amazing and immaculate, and she's blowing up further because of her performance, which is cool to see.

Makes me so happy for her. Yeah, you guys really have your thing. I mean, I know that we're very old and out of touch, but this one time you guys really had your finger on the pulse. I feel like you've been singing the praise of the chapel row and way before she's making these giganteau headlines. That's not, I mean, it's not true. We also, I also had Lizzo. Yeah. You know, I feel like I was listening to Lizzo and then And then she popped off and I was like, all right. So I had that other one. Two times. And all these many years of working at pop culture.

Yes, but Jackie. And then Lizzo, what did she do? She got mad with power, didn't she? And so maybe you created a monster. Well, I'm not an Oracle, Holden. I never claimed to be an Oracle. I do remember a couple of times in New York City in our 20s when you actually did straight up claim to be an or.

I did bring. I got to Ballin is what I was. I call my crystal ball and I get my ball out, but then I'm just like holding around my bulging groin so I'm more of like a labyrinth ball user than I am an Oracle ball user. And I think that's what you're confusing right now, Holden. Maybe, maybe a little bit. What power? The bow of the babe. I remember you tried to like bend a spoon with your mind and I was like trying to figure out how to like break out of the real world into the realer world. And it was a whole thing. I don't know what an Oracle is. I don't, I don't know. I'm not sure. But regardless. You were the one, you were,

when you were looking at my computer, you're all like, I need my spoons. Oh, so I don't get electrocuted. I need to ground myself. You're the one asking for spoons while you fix my computer. I don't want to electrocute your computer is what it was. I wasn't holding a spoon so I wouldn't get electrocuted. That would be a madman's activity. No, that's when you're, no, you're bending your spoons and I bet you're putting your spoons into all the holes that I have in my computer. That's what you're doing. But I guess if that's how it got fixed, thank you, Holden. You're welcome.

So there you go. But also, we are going to be live listening. If you need to hear about a British boy's tiny little penis, which we're going to hear about on Friday. Come hang out with us over on Twitch.com. T-Tor-T-V-Woddenators ho, because we are going to be listening to a dead poet society. I know that we keep saying dead poet's a joke, but also I truly can't remember. Tortured.

The Torture Poets Department. Taylor, we were all brooding for you. Eight syllables. Eight syllables. That is a gnarly eight syllables. That is rough, rough, rough stuff right there. But I feel like it does speak towards the overdramatic sentiment one might feel during a breakup, right? So I feel it for sure.

The five stages of green. But Daddy, I love him. But Daddy I Love him. Is a Little Mermaid reference, right? And she, because this is little... Six minutes. I know. Everyone's excited because now we know the length of the track.

And so everyone's trying to figure out, is it about Maddie Healy or is it about Joelle when? And the Little Mermaid, to be honest, not my favorite Disney movie. And I don't really remember this, the context of this, but she loses her voice. Why are you anti-legs? Yeah. You know me. I'm anti. Look at this stuff.

Isn't it sweet? Isn't it? Oh, I know. You don't even know the worst. M.J. Wouldn't you think my collection's complete? No! Don't be angry about it.

Oh man, I got to get your kids obsessed to the little mind. But what about Ursula? They have to fall in love with Ursula. Talk about, I mean, all the tenta fits. I mean, the fact that she looked so good and she was able to have, like, must have had like an undersea tailor or something to get all those tentacles to fit.

Well. Very impressive. We actually watched The Little Mermaid in a hotel room this weekend, so it should be fresh in my mind. But basically, she loses her voice for the one she loves, right? And that's what the reference is. Yeah, no, it is all, you know, technically. You know, if you think about it, yeah, I guess it's not good.

I guess she, like, gives up her whole life to, like, you know, be with him and change herself. Because he's scared of the world and all that stuff. I did forget, we make all these tiny penis jokes. So I did forget there is literally a track called The Smallest Man Who, ever. Yes, that's why I go. That's the tight Beaton song.

If someone ever wrote a song about me, much less the most like popular musician currently, whether you like her or not, you have to at least agree that like it's her and Beyonce essentially

at this point. If that person wrote a song called the smallest man who ever loved, I would have to have to, I'd have to have a response track. It would have to be like, you know, I'm big as hell.

I'm big, mean, be a big, strong, mean man or You're going to cry me a river somebody because it's not a good look holding, just saying. Poor Joe. I have to, I feel like I'm going to be thinking a lot, poor Joe. I know, I'm worried that not a second of poor Joe. That will never cross my lips. I'm like worried that we're like cyberbullying him just by listening to the record. You know, I am worried about him.

Can you imagine when he listens to the record on Friday? Imagine that weekend. All right, I got a collab for the fucking. We gotta get a response track. Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe. That's right. Jo Jo Seva and Joe Alwyn come together, make a gay pop icon disc track against Taylor Swift.

But it's the same song. It's called Karma's a bitch again. And it's just the same song, but he's kind of like, but it's, but it's Taze karma. But it's Taze karma. And it's like, karma is a British man working with a lesbian

to try to make some songs. Fuck you eat some. some frogs, you know, put frogs in your mouth. It's like really obsessed with frogs. Hell, yeah. All the lyrics are strangely. Maybe that's part of it, the issue that she had with him. We don't know what happened between them.

They got like spice ice on theirs. She was like a knockoff of ice spice. She's better because she's reversed. And that's what I imagine they say. She wraps backwards. She's like, yeah, she wraps backwards. Speak, don't do I. Yeah, I don't know how to do.

I don't know how to do it. She can do it. She can do it. I can do it. She can do that. That's her job. There's only one spice ice. Yeah.

There's between zero and one spice ice. Live after who. Man, small is thee. Whoa. You are being a spice ice right now. Yeah. Now there's a lot of Tainu's obviously because she was doing drugs

out in the desert with her boyfriend. Allegedly, please. I saw no angel dust or PCP, which is the same drug. I saw none of that in the vicinity of them in any of the videos. All I'm saying is that for you to look that relaxed while hanging out or maybe you're just so used to having your picture taken all the time that you can disassociate to that extent.

But like she must have at least popped a zanny or something to be able to be in that crowd. Right. I hope so, but I can't picture her being fucked up. Like I really like Taylor Swift and I like her personality and I like how she seems when she talks. Like she seems like a nice person. but she's such a square. But she's not a bad girl.

We don't like her because she's a bad girl. There is definitely watch the video. I think it's during the lover release party. She is visibly hammered and it's very fun to watch. Good for her. And she definitely smokes like mad weed. I mean, I think at this point that's like just completely a given. Yeah, documentary you showed us.

Was it folklore or Evermore when she's in the woods with Jack Antonoff? I hope they were getting blazed all day. They had to begin blazezeze. They were smoking marijuana. from time to time, which isn't even like a cool kid thing to do anymore. I mean, none of these things are cool. We need angel dust. We need PCB.

You know? Yeah, bring it back to the good old days. Where are the ludes? I'm begging for the ludes. If you're not seeing your dead relatives like try to claw out of the wall with blood fucking spray it out of it, then you're not really doing cool drugs anymore. That's like yesterday's news smoking weed. Even if it's a dab, dude.

Yeah, nowadays. I mean, I guess weed smoking is an old person's thing now. Right? I mean, at Coachella, they must be, if I arrived at Coachella, I would be like the Steve Bouchemmy and the hot dog. Am I conflating two different, no, I'm conflating two different things. I'm complaining the hot dog meme and the Steve Bouchemmy meme. And the hello fellow kids, yes.

I would be Steve Bouchermy not dress like a hot dog, dressed like a cool kid. And I would say, hello fellow kids, what drugs are we on? Yeah. And then I would be trampled to death immediately. Would a stampede come through? Like in my head there were like a bunch of elephants randomly just out in the desert. I mean, it seems like there's a lot of people that the people at Coachella must be on a lot of drugs to be in such a good mood to not honestly stampede Grimes and, you know, Will Smith and all.

There was a lot of crazy things happening there this weekend. And I can only assume that everybody was in a very different place mentally. on wizard and the bruiser we find all those crazy little moments in geek history that made the things we love into inescapable cultural behemates if you love video games movies comics and anime this is the lpian show for you but wait holden it's not just educational shouldn't we talk about all those crazy boner jokes we make all the time no jake no we will not fair enough last podcast network presents wizard and the bruiser find it on your favorite podcast app and hit that little subby-dovey button. Oh, we would love it if you did that. Oh, that would help us out so much. God, wouldn't you love to do that? Don't I sound like the kind of person you

want to help? Like, hit the button. Like, just do it. I just want to prepare you before I do my impersonation of Grimes. Everyone just prepare yourselves. That was, if you have not looked up, Grimes' I guess is the word performance. Would we call it a set?

At Coachella It is so funny. It is, you're watching someone's, like, technology fail. And now, what is not funny is watching someone's technology fail, like, in general? Because it is very upsetting, you know, we deal with it when we're Twitch streamers. We deal with it all the time. It's like you immediately are paralyzed. There's nothing you can do.

But it's how Grimes reacted to the technology errors. That is so fucking memeable. because I don't understand truly how she didn't have a backup because she was DJing or she was like live mixing. Yeah, yeah. Like, yeah, she was live mixing.

And, you know, essentially the way she told her she like did an apology kind of explainer afterwards. She was like, I entrusted a third party to like set up all my stuff on my computer and like didn't do it myself. And I should have done that. And everything was like off on the, the software she was using.

It's essentially like there's BPM's beats per minute, right? And you're trying to like match that up when you're like shifting between two songs. Yeah, it's math. Yeah, it's math. Grime said that multiple times. She goes, it's math. I'm not good at math. By the way, I love that she talks like a like a stereotype nerd in like a cartoon.

She's like, everybody's sorry about that. There's just a math thing going on. I don't know. It's hard to explain. You know, I just, this is really. bad right now. And it's just like the music's playing. Like no one would be able to tell per se. It was the Joe Koi of Coachella sets. Yeah, yeah. Because rather than just either powering through or taking an L or being like,

you know, I'm sorry, this isn't working, she starts blaming. She literally says, it's not my fault. Blame anyone else. Like, like, it's not my fault. Be mad at someone. but don't be mad at me. It's not my fault, which is just like such an awkward look. And no one can't. Yeah, everyone's like,

well, details of what's going wrong. Also, we have to mention at the very beginning of this highlight video, this is on a subreddit called R. Foamois. At the very beginning of this video,

you see her coming in this huge entrance on this like giant mechanical spider. And it's so grandiose and crazy. And then it just cuts to this shit show. This is my favorite comment in the Reddit thread, by the way. One time I was leading a meeting of like seven people at work. I felt prepared but had reviewed the wrong documents beforehand. So everything I was saying was completely wrong. When I realized it, I panicked and acted a bit like this. Seven people in that

meeting. Sometimes I still think about it when lying in bed at night. This is so embarrassing for her life and soul. Well, and doesn't she say, she said, she was like, it's not my fault. It's not my fault. And then she goes, well, maybe it's my fault because I like submitted everything an hour and a half ago, which again, like, Joe Coy style, like, you're just kind of, like, admitting that you're unprepared and unskilled for this set. Like, to go to the Conan Hot Ones that we will talk about also in this episode, Conan has such a great point on the Hot Ones, when he's like, when someone looks at the audience and it's like, this show is going badly. Yeah. Oh my God. Way to connect it to that, M.J. I didn't even

Think about that connection. Yeah, yeah. That resonated so, like, really, when he said that, it really made me think about the reason I think that I got so upset watching that Joe Coy, Golden Globes monologue is like, when someone, when a performer looks at the audience and is like, oh, this is going badly, like, of course, sometimes you want to acknowledge what's happening, and sometimes it can work. But if a performer...

If you can make a joke about it. Like, if you can make it something that is entertaining. Right. For sure. Right. Like, oh, you got to, you can't, if something goes really wrong and you just pretend it's not happening, that usually also doesn't work. So you have to acknowledge what's happening.

happening. But like, there, there, there, he, what, what Conan says is, you know, the audience is there to see a show. And if you tell them the show you're seeing is bad, like, you see their soul leave their eyes. Like, they're just not, they're lost. And he says, like, showbiz is telling them, telling the audience, you are here seeing the best show on earth. And so there's just something about watching Grimes up there being like, I wasn't prepared. This isn't my fault, but also it is, because I literally wasn't prepared. I don't know how to do this. I can't like it's just it is like it makes my heart sad it makes my heart hurt I'm embarrassed for her but also it is pretty like enraging you waited till the last second dude people made money to be here and watch you and I know you it seems like she's saying that she worked very hard on this set and I'm not saying that she didn't but like also leave it like as creatives we all know you have to work together so if you've got to get your shit into someone else that's setting up your shit get it in early I was like, she should know this by now.

If your set requires a computer, make sure that the computer, you know, our set required a computer, we, you know how many times? We checked it every show. We checked it every, click through every slide, every show. I just don't understand how you get to the point where you are grimes and you're up there

and you're like, probably I can underprepare for Coachella, you know? Right. It's crazy. Especially like Coachella, too, such a focus on EDM, such like, it's so, it's just so embarrassing on so many levels. Of course, there's a bunch of armchair DJs in these comments, but there is one user that really breaks down, like, just how many ways she could have avoided how bad this

went with, like, the technology she was using and everything else and how, you know, it just seems like she doesn't actually deep down truly know how to DJ because if she did, there's all these different, like, things she could have done as a backup to, like, get everything back in order. Like, the software itself. Is she not usually a DJ? I'm not that I'm not too familiar with yeah that's her thing. That's what she does. She's an electronic that's all she does is DJ. I mean, maybe she plays a little bit of keyboards maybe but I think that's like the thing she does. She just DJs that I think sings but yeah she like kind of live mixes her own music I guess but you know it seemed like she only had one very specific way of doing it hadn't learned any kind of it's kind of

like, I don't know, it's kind of like me with computers up until slightly more recently where, like, I understand it at face value, but when it comes to the nitty gritty, I'm like, I'm intimidated as fuck by like how everything works together and all this. And I have to like learn up on that. And the more I've learned, the more I've been able to troubleshoot. And let's say, help Jackie make her PC run better. Put your spoons in my hole. My spoons in the holes, you know what you mean? And once I started spoonholing, it got, way better. And so now I feel like more competent anytime something fucks up. You know what I mean? Or Twitch in general. Like anytime something fucks up in Twitch, now I can kind of figure it out.

But in the beginning, I was a mess. If the sound wasn't working and I didn't, the two things I knew how to fix it didn't fix it. I don't know. I don't know. I'm figuring it out. Yeah. Hopefully somebody in chat can tell me how to fix this because I don't know. And so yeah, it's that, it's that concept. But she's been DJing technically. supposedly for 14 years. Yeah. So how does that work? And then at least, again, even if the technology falls through,

at least try to have any level of stage presence to like acknowledge and take care. She's really riding on the good vibes. And that's why I say everybody must, you know, everybody, I'm sure is at a great mood. I'm sure everybody's highest kites. And at first when things kind of fuck up and she's like, oh, sorry.

Everyone's kind of cheering her on. And it feels like a good vibe. And then you just like feel the energy be like sucked out of the air. And I just kept thinking the whole time I was watching her about how there was also this weekend Elon Musk on the red carpet doing those horrific poses. I just love that you had said that right before this episode.

You're like, I never saw why Grimes was with Elon Musk, but now I get it. I feel like her and him had this like parallel experience this weekend of being like fundamentally like incapable of relating to a human audience. Like what are you, like him posing on the red carpet like that. Obviously he's, they're robots. Yeah, and he's like evil on the magnitude of like a supervillain.

And she's just, you know, she's not that. So I'm not, but it was just such a, I was like, I never understood that pairing. And then seeing how she handled this, I was like, I think I understand. It was just a gonadroles screeches. I think I understand what drew them together. And it's weirdness. I just, you know, I think I need to bring, I worked hard to not, you know, usually yell like that in frustration anymore. I think I need to bring it back.

Yeah. I think I'm not getting frustrated enough anymore. I used to flip out like that during, it's a little bit like Jackie struggling with Sims. I'm sure the past few weeks of the computer was falling apart. Yeah, but now I do, rather than screaming, I do the, ooh. Oh, you want to be like this, huh? Oh, okay. So it's a lot more heavy breeze.

than screaming now. That's what I do with my anger too. I was just trying. I don't know why this is happening, guys. It's just like so, that's, that's embarrassing in front of five people trying to do like, try to get like the projector

to work at your house party. It's so embarrassing. Or like a sub trying to get one of those like wheelie TVs to work on one of the four subs having to go through that. Everyone's just staring at me. And I don't really, I can't explain why this isn't working.

but it's just very complicated. That's the other thing too. Not only is everything going terribly, but it's going terribly because of reasons that you're not smart enough to understand. I know what's going on. It's all of it. And again, and please, if you ever get into being a star,

man, the worst shit to do is to also go up on stage and do your thing and then talk to people afterwards and be like, man, that was terrible, huh? You know what I mean? It's just so, just I'll avoid all of that. Don't joke. She apologized for how she acted. At least she did come out.

Like, I think it is nice of her that she was like, yeah, that was bad. Yeah, yeah. I think it would be worse if she was just like, what? That wasn't the worst thing I've ever done, you know? Which is kind of what Frank Ocean did, right? Like he didn't really apologize after he was just kind of like, show is the show. Right? But that was what I said was like this year, she won the Frank Ocean.

Ocean Award essentially because you know that Frank Ocean did I feel like now every year we get to get like a one weirdo has to have a terrible set on the Coachella stage and I'm surprised that it wasn't Will Smith making a surprise appearance to sing men in black this seems to have gone over

very well I know I was thinking about this I was like I really actually went down a big thought hole about this because I was like do I want him to like not be welcome in at Coachella after slapping Chris Rock and I was like I mean in my general approach to things I believe that people could make mistakes and should still should should acknowledge the mistakes and then not be shunned from society but it it still does feel strange to me to have him just be like biggie style you know like what are like yeah it just

feels it just feels like a such a norm was broken by him that to then to then just kind of like power through. Again, I don't want him to be like shunned forever, but it does feel strange to just be like, here come the mad and black, I slapped a man. You know, it's just a strange thing to know about him. I mean, he's doing the right thing, though, for sure. It's like just wheel out those beloved old characters

that everyone has nostalgia for. And it does, you know, I mean, it is very funny that he literally did the memory eraser device. He actually, the whole performance, the fact that there's like, so Will Smith came out during Jay Balvin's performance at Coachella, dressed up as Agent J. from Men in Black, sang the song Men in Black, but then also, I guess, like, Balvin's whole set was UFO themed. So it makes sense of why he would come out. And then at the very end, before he ran off stage, he did the memory race for everybody in

the audience, which I would have loved to have seen. Yeah. So that's why I feel so like in the middle about it where I'm like, yeah, I guess everyone deserves to like grow and change and learn from what they've done. But it's like, I don't condone violence in any way. And the fact that like this just happened and we're just going to be like, well, oh yeah, sometimes you hit a guy. I don't feel that way.

Like you don't, I don't feel like sometimes you just hit a guy. It's like you can't even pretend like you didn't do it. we literally all saw you do it. I don't know how I feel. This is where we're at though, because you have to also go back and remember how weird the entire reaction to that whole event was. Right. I think that's the, I think that that honestly is what makes me feel so weird about it.

Because Will Smith did apologize to Chris Rock, like publicly apologized. He said my behavior was unacceptable. So like, I do think that people should be able to make huge mistakes and be forgiven if they acknowledged what happened. But I think that what I haven't gotten over, I'm not even interested in continuing to hold a grudge against Will Smith. I think what the weirdest thing about that night

he'll be relieved to hear that, MJ. He'll be, yeah. Don't worry, Will Smith. I personally am not holding this against you. Or am I because I think that, right, it was the fact that that everyone stood up and gave him a standing ovation the same night.

That was just such a bizarre demonstration of like, group something, group, I don't know what was happening. I want, I want a psychological breakdown of what happened in that room when everybody stood up and applauded for him winning the Oscar after he had slapped a man, right? So strange. That was incredibly weird. And then again, going back to the reaction too, I would just say, you know, I think it was one of those moments where I was like, maybe the internet is a failed experiment.

Maybe this is a bad for us as a society because of how weird this reaction is. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like a man hit a man on stage. Yeah. I don't think for anywhere near enough reason to do so. And everybody in the chat's like, sometimes you got to hit a guy. I mean, I don't know.

You know, you don't. Sometimes you just got to do that. That's like, what? Yeah. And I know that there was. Hey, it's a cultural thing. Like, no, it's not. Like, shut out.

No, stop. It's not. It's not. It's not that. In fact, that's kind of racist. It's not. It's violence. It was a, yeah, there was that, there was so much intense discourse around the slap that doesn't, right, that we, that, you know, it doesn't, I don't want to live the air forever.

But it is just, it's just interesting to see him come back and, yeah, go to the kind of greatest, that the peak of his career. Yeah. In some ways. Obviously, he's had a massive and successful career, but I feel like to do, to come back and do men in black era stuff and to be like, everybody will love this. In a way, I guess it's a good and safe way to make like a big public return to be like, this is from an era where I was really, really beloved. But yeah, it's just, it's like, I guess it's like that I'm not still holding it. It's like when someone wrongs, does something wrong and you forgive them and you're like,

I have, and again, this is not, I'm not talking about me and Will Smith personally, but it's like, I still have it in my head. I think that's the thing. It's like when you forgive someone, but you don't forget. what happened. It's like, I just can't really look at Will Smith without thinking about that. And it doesn't necessarily mean I don't want him to perform again, but I think it will always be there.

And then I want to kind of say like, oh, you know, I feel like he didn't, you know, apologize enough or seemed that sorry about it and yada, yada, yada, yada. But then you got to, then that maybe a dingo wait your baby situation. You know what I mean? Where he really did feel extremely sorry for it, but it's hard to, how do we define as a society. Dingo ate my baby situation. How to feel sorry. Yeah, sorry. That reference, by the way, is the woman's baby

got a baby got eaten by a dingo. It was like a funny line in a Seinfeld episode. I think we all know the reference. The dingo did eat her baby, but she didn't, it's hard to people didn't think she was remorseful enough in her interviews because it's impossible to come off satisfyingly remorseful enough. Right. You know what I mean? Unless you're like a North Korean person crying over Kim Jong Il's death or something, you know what I mean? And you're like throwing yourself on the ground and like heaving and

screaming, you know what I mean? It's like we have to have this kind of cartoonish reaction to things in a TV interview in order to like come off properly, right? So anyways. Well, and that's why my cartoonish reaction is more towards how like weirdly muscular the aliens that were dancing behind Will Smith were on the stage. And I'm not talking about it's not like, oh, they just had alien heads on. No, they had muscular alien suits on. And I was very, I mean, I couldn't stop looking at him. So really, it's like, did it matter that Will Smith was on the stage? Are you entering your alien fucker era?

Is that what's happening right now? So I guess it really does, I guess my question for you is, do you include aliens under the umbrella of monster fucker? No. I don't know. I kind of feel like they're their own basketball game. You know what I mean? Okay. Yeah, a little bit.

Then I guess I identify as an alien fucker. I'm gonna say too, I looked up the costumes thinking, oh, these must be some really sexy buff aliens. They're not, Jackie. They're really just, the costumes do not give sexy at all. I don't know what you're... They've got these weird like folds around on their pelvic area.

They look like spirit Halloween costumes, Jackie. Yeah. They're not sexy. Look at them go. They've got their big shoes on and they're going to town. I think that you guys aren't sex. actually open enough. This is crazy.

They look like a child superhero costume that has like the foam muscle and like the shoe covering that goes at the bottom so you can wear your regular shoes. But then they have weird like folds. Like how do I describe it? Like the nothing but trouble babies. Like a cum gutter, like a cum gutter. But mega, like a mega cummer. Yeah,

mega gutter. But it's like, yeah, exactly. But not storm drains. Yeah, now you're getting it. Yeah. No, no. The opposite. I'm talking myself even more out of it.

I'm talking about it. I'm more disgusted by all of it. I wish, again, I wish Will Smith would use this memory device to me so I could forget that you were attracted to what that is. Because it makes me sad. You can never unhear it. And now you're going to have to have an intervention. I think we need an intervention for Jackie later this year.

I mean, over on Jackie's book club, the amount of times they have to hear about what I think about tentacles in the world of sex. Like, I didn't know I had so many thoughts on tentacles and sex. There you go. And they're all very positive. Very upsetting. I know Jackie steers the ship about what we talk about next,

but I feel like since we're talking about live performances, weird things that happen on stage and cum gutters, I really feel like this is a natural segue to talk about Ricky Martin's giant hard-on. Yeah, dude. That happened on stage with the dog. Wow. I am never here to erection shame anyone.

I'm not trying to erection shame Ricky Martin. I want everyone to know this, because that's why when I first saw the headline, I was like, I'm not going to include this. Then I watch the clip of Ricky Martin on stage at Madonna's concert. And everyone's like, Ricky Martin's hard on stage at Madonna's concert. I was like, all right. How hard is he?

The answer is very viscerally, throbbingly hard. Very hard. And you're like, oh, maybe it's his pants. It's not. No, these are like very loose kind of like parachutey kind of. pants. So yeah, yeah, that thing is sticking out. And that guy is rubbing his face and mouth all over it, by the way, too.

I mean, he couldn't help himself. And the other guy from behind. It was a really physical, like, kind of lap dance isn't even. There was dancers who were kind of really grinding on him. And so it makes sense that he had a physical response, but it is.

This guy is literally sucking his balls. Like, they just had a close up. He actually suctioned like through over the pants, but he suction on his balls. So it's like he turned a switch on his penis and his penis just turned on and that's not his fault. But it is like it is exactly like the image of Will Ferrell talking to Christina Applegate

an Anchorman when he just has a giant, giant heart on. It's like that level. He stands up from getting this kind of lap dance-esque experience on stage and it is just very, very visible. Wait, with what? You know the image from Anchorman when Will Ferrell is talking to? Christina Applegate. Yes, okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not really Will Ferrell having a heart on. There's also a video that, like, didn't quite make the news on a page seven for a while ago. One of the dancer, my favorite dude dancer from the T-Swift eras, when he comes out with the big feathers in the beginning, did you see that video, Jackie? Yes, I did. And it's like, he seems to clearly have an erection for some reason at the very beginning of this concert.

And it's so great. It's like so in your face because someone's filming like right below him. And you're just like, whoa. Really? Oh, yeah. Oh, no, I want to see if I can find it. It's like an excitement erection? Yeah, I don't even know how you find that era's boner.

I think blood's flowing, I imagine. You know, I imagine. I think it's really what it is because, like, I don't want an erection chain because, like, it's natural. Like, you can't stop it from happening. It just happens. Maybe he just woke up from a nap. You never know. I mean, and that that's the craziest thing that I've got to remind any non-penus ever.

We just wake up every day. with a boner pretty much. You just get hard. Like, it's like, that's why I, like, that's why I didn't include that articles because I don't want an erection shame. It happens. I don't have one, but I imagine it's like, like lots of penis havers have have a lot of trauma from times when you were hard and didn't want to be. And I think that sucks. That's got to be really difficult. Getting through high school, like middle school high school. I mean, I talk about this all time. I was not attracted at all to the teacher whatsoever. It was just that time. It was just that time.

of the morning. I don't know what it was. It was at the same time morning, but I always had a boner by the end of Spanish class. And I had, there was nothing I could do about it. I tried to think about every, all my dead relatives, like, you know. But you got harder. I got harder. And that, then you had to go back to therapy and you got out of, yeah, yeah. I want to fuck the dead. Yeah, and I had to learn how to, yeah, that's how I learned I wanted to fuck the dead. So I started thinking about presidents. That's where I got my U.S. presidents. And then you, when you got kicked out of the house of presidents or the hall of president to his knee

because you were just sitting in the air and you're like jerking off and you're like oh that Trump kind of looks like Hillary

Rodham Clinton there's cheese in the hall there's cheese in the hall and everyone's there's Jason the hall the guy came out

with the big bell and he was ready he's got a turkey leg in the other hand yeah Madonna's like yeah you fucking like that shit

right yeah because she loves watching people get boners I bet too she's like way into it way into it so anyways

I get such a I just saw an annoying Madonna headline that like Madonna's getting sued over how late her concerts are. And she says, no Madonna fan would expect the show to start on time. Wrong. That sucks Madonna. Ew. That means you suck.

I don't want to be. I don't want to go. Then as a Madonna fan, I don't want to go to your show. Madonna, your fans are all at least over 40. Like 40, I feel like we're talking. I'm 38. I feel like I'm the youngest possible person who would like seek out a Madonna show. just generationally.

Or younger people that are watching it or like listening to Madonna with their parents so that maybe you know some parents are taking their like teens which I think would be really cute

but then again they have to go to school the next day. Yeah your your demographic is Jamie Lee Curtis who literally just asked for there to be matinee concerts. Yes.

Right. Like just come on time. It's really not that hard. It is yeah this is such a it's just such a disrespectful Well, it is hard, though. We're talking about Ricky Martin. Hey.

Oh, it's hard. But he's got a biggie. So that's good for him, too. He's got, I think, a pretty nice trunk on that elephant. I mean, yeah. You could certainly see it in a arenia stadium. I hope that he's not embarrassed. I hope that he is happy for himself.

And he's like, everyone's talking about my big dog. Bigel shlong. And everybody's talking about Joker, Folly Adieu as well. How are we feeling about it? You know, all right, when I, let's be real. I was worried it's going to be an elephontini in the jungalini. Because if we all remember, Lady Gaga, like, trained and only spoke with an Italian accent for a year before House of Gucci. I was like, all right, let's see, what is Gaga going to bring to this?

I didn't know what I was going to expect. One thing I will say, before I watched the trailer, someone said, like La La Land more like Guess we'll start calling it Ha Ha Ha Land And I was like fuck you No This doesn't look like La La La Land

La Land was boring and everybody fucking knows that Except for Holden I know you like La Land Listen this is what I'll say about the Elephantini First of all I've said it before I'll say it again This is perfect for Gaga This type of movie She should be doing these types of movies

It's over the top It's way extreme There's even song and dance numbers It's like that's the whole thing She is gonna be, she has all the room in the world As Harley Quinn to ham it up so hard And really be over the time This is the type of thing she should be doing

You know and I think that that is what's different Between the House of Gucci Which was trying to be like this method Like she can, I'm sure she's being method actor as Harley Quinn But it needs to be this kind of Oh just way exaggerated campier A little campier Even if it's self-serious

there's like camp inherent in this concept, right? Right. Well, also because camp is inherent in Lady Gaga. Yeah, that's the thing. As a persona, as a character herself, I feel like that's what she, like, should be bringing to this. And I think that's why, I think that's why Shallow is so funny. Uh-huh.

And why Star is born, like, I think she is a good actor. Like, I think she is. But I think that, right, and even Star is born was, like, maybe a little too self-serious for her, too, right? And, like, shallow looks because, I mean, I liked it, but it was very, I mean, it works because it's like, kind of has a lifetime movie quality to it. Totally.

You know what I mean? Totally. And shallow is funny because it's so, because shallow was funny if you experience it as a camp song, not as like in, like, you know, it's so fun to like ham it up doing that song in karaoke, you know. Totally. Shish, shh, shah low. Like when you like really lean in and everyone goes, yeah.

Get it, girl. Why is he hard? You're hard. You're hard while you sing the sad song. I just got this huge bow to doet. I hope you're not doing that when we sing, because Holden and I have sang shallow before. Are you hard?

I'm like, I'm sorry. I just woke up with that. I don't know how I ended up in this karaoke room. I'm having a bad dream, but just having a stress dream. Being hard during. Shalow. So upsetting.

Just a huge, why is he this song? Sorry, just when he dies from that, when he, fuck it. No, you can't spoil the movie, holding. I just did.

I think you could spoil a star is born. You out here is like, no, I've been waiting to see a star is born. Also, to be fair, a stars born has been a story for generations. done it multiple times. That too.

Exactly. It'll say. Decades. Decades old. Literally. So if you were upset that it just got spoiled for you, I, we really can't apologize. He dies. He dies.

Listen, it was played, shallow was played during my C-section and that child is four and a half years old. Okay. So you've had plenty of time. You've had plenty of time. What happens? It's been on every airplane I've been on in the last two years. If you haven't put it on then, you ain't never going to watch.

Anything else for we get to the celebrity conspiracy of the day? No, I know that we'll talk about it on the leftovers, but I do want to discuss Ryan Gosling's version of all too well that he turned into a Barbie version of. It just was... He is so funny. Amazing. He's so...

And also the Beavis and Budhead sketch was like one of the funniest sketches I've seen from SNL in years. It was so fun. He is so hot and funny. And I'm sorry. Breaking news. Bricking news, right? Gosling is fantastic.

Hot and funny. He's guzzling that fucking vagina juice. I'm a gosh guzzler, man. I will, yeah, bro. I will guzzle goss all day. Who is he, is he with someone? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

He's got some. Evil and gory. Oh, my God. I bet they have sex together, right? They've got children together. They apparently have a very amazing relationship. Really? Wow.

I don't really see them together a whole lot. Yeah, I don't either, actually. I will, I think that she, or at least it seems that, like, as he was blowing up, that she, they have small children. Right. So she had to sacrifice her entire career, and he got to go have the... Well, what is she doing? I don't know. Maybe she does stuff.

Maybe she's doing stuff. Well, anyways, let's get to the celebrity conspiracy. Hit me with the share. Do you believe it? Also, it's Eva Mendez. I fucked it up. I knew I fucked it up. I was just like, wait a second.

I was like, no, Eva. I was like, that's not, that's not right. And I looked at Eva Langoria. It's like, it's not Eva Lingoria. It's Eva Mendez, by the way. Yes, okay. I look. I need to show my shame, all right?

I am hard and I am ashamed. I will say this. I looked up Eva Longoria and it still popped up Eva Mendez with him. So the internet didn't lie. Like, internet figured out your folly and served me. So. Thank you, Internet. Hit me with the share.

Do you believe it? Did Beyonce kidnap Sia? Ooh. This one comes in from a BuzzFeele. You know what? I hope so. Yeah, I hope so too. I really hope this is true. I tell you what, I was like trying to find some, first of all, throw it out there.

There was the majority of the conspiracies sent in this past week were about Jojo Siwa just legitimately probably being a bad person, which isn't even necessarily a conspiracy as much as it's just kind of like the reality of the world. So anyways, I just wanted to get that across first of all that we do acknowledge the Jojo Sea what probably actually. is secretly or not so secretly maybe a bad person. And that on top of that, we don't actually need to feel so bad about this incredibly cringy bad girl turn she's trying to do. But we'll talk about that on the leftovers. On to sillier things. Yes.

On to sillier things. This one comes in from a BuzzFeed article I found back in 2016. I just did a Hail Mary Google search. This popped right up. There's conspiracy theory on Brazilian social media that Beyonce kidnapped fellow pop star Sia and that she is holding Sia hostage in a subterranean layer forcing her to write songs. Now, online sleuths using the hashtag save Sia,

started finding clues to back this up, including a tweet from Sia that read, Hope Everyone Likes. What do you think that means? Hope everyone likes pancakes. Jackie, what do you think the secret message is there? Help. There you go.

Take the first letter of, each word, and it spells help. I need somebody help. Biazzi cut me captive. Did she write that song too? Maybe, who knows? I think she was alive back then. Some feel her giant wigs are actually used to hide the bruises that she receives for

Beyonce. Only on the forehead? Yeah, she only punched her. Wow. On the forehead and like, on the side of it. And the ears, she boxes her ears. Yeah, the ears. For sure.

and some feel her giant wigs are actually used to hold on a second. My toddler just ran it because I've got to lock the door. Where's the what? Where's the piggy place? I don't know, Wendy, but I got to, I'm recall. Should we leave this in? Yeah, leave it in. Where's the piggy place?

Where's the piggy place? I don't know where the piggy places. Folks point then also the only, literally the only other piece of evidence they point to is from an interview with Sia in 2015, and when she talks about working with Beyonce and how collaborating with her is, quote, like a writing camp and that she had 25 of her songs on hold at the time for obvious evidence that she is now jailed in a secret room in Beyonce's house. Maybe they think it's like a camp, like the bad kind of camp. I was going to say, do they think it's a bad kind of camp? I guess. So, what do you think? Are the wigs hiding the bruises? Oh, my God. And

that's why Maddie Ziegler is like Cia's proxy because Cia is in a dungeon being held by Beyonce. Indeed. So Beyonce was like, hey, small child who dances, you have to go be the front. Yeah. Yeah. Oh,

okay. I have another tweet I just pulled up. Baby, everything your own nice cat eats. Kangaroo is dead nowhere and purple penguins every day. My end. Well, that's obviously, you know, I think. that that's, you should get a better code

if you don't want people to figure out it's a secret. It spells Beyonce kidnap me. Wow. Wow. Yeah. There you go. I'm glad that you can see through this, Holden. This is really, this is groundbreaking. I see through it

about as well as she can see through that wig. Not well. So what do you guys think? Not well. And there are brusses. Oh man, I would do anything to rap. See ya, a ponce the forehead. alongside Beyonce. So I'm gonna guess that it's real.

Really? You wanna whip Sia? No, I just think that, you know, it would just be fun to thwack someone to pounce the head, like in a way just to be like, write me better songs. Yeah. But I wouldn't actually do that.

I'd love to keep someone captive. What do you think, MJ? Like a muse or something, MJ. Wouldn't you like to have a muse? Yeah, it's like sexy. Yeah. I mean, I would like it to somehow be true that Sia is not responsible for the movie music.

But I also know that that is certainly not the case. I think she is responsible for it. And I don't want Beyonce to be responsible for the movie music either. And so- Not only is she responsible for it. She outwardly was like, she like petitioned for it, like pushed for it, thinks there's nothing wrong with it. Yeah, that's, you know.

So that's more of where my thwacking needs, you know, not that, again, I don't condone violence. Yeah, I was going to, I mean, I'll forgive Will Smith for the slap, okay? but if Sia hasn't acknowledged or apologized for the movie music, I'm not sure if I have forgiven her. But she shouldn't be kept as a muse, I guess. No, I don't want her to be kidnapped in a dungeon by Beyonce. Although it might be a nice dungeon, though.

How sexy do you think Beyonce's dungeon is? That's the thing. I bet it's a fancy-ass dungeon as far as Dungeons is going. There's a Shays lounge in that dungeon. Yeah, yeah. For sure. For sure. Yeah, but I don't believe it.

I'm sorry. Oh, well. All right, well, I guess I fucked it up this week. You certainly did, but hopefully I won't fuck up the list. Oh, no, cautiously, let's sing it. Who's on the list, Jackie? More cautious. You gotta have that list.

Get out some bananas. Iconic characters that were almost played by the last person you'd expect. Speaking of Ryan Gosling, Ryan Gosling was offered the role of Jim in 20, days later. The starring role was initially written for and offered to Ewan McGregor, who turned it down. Gosling was the second choice

but declined due to scheduling conflicts. Irish actor Killian Murphy was relatively unknown back then, but ended up crushing the part and you see his slough. But it is soft. So it's not like a Ricky Martin situation. It's not what you are looking for.

Or maybe it is what you're looking for. I don't know. I don't know if we talked about this on the episode, but Wisbroo did do an episode on 28 days later. You can check that out over on the Wisbrough podcast. Back to you, Jackie. Thank you. And I imagine, I would assume at some point you probably did Silence of the Lambs at this point, Morgan Freeman was up for the part of Hannibal Lecter. You think Silence of the Lambs, you see Sir Anthony Hopkins, but the iconic character created by Thomas Harris was once considered to go to either Freeman, Dustin Hoffman, or even Sean

Gornre. Gene Hackman would have played Dr. Lecter and directed the movie himself if he could. Only his daughter asked him not to. This is like multiple little Silence of the Lamb facts all wrapped into one little moment here. Very cool. How do you feel about it? I ate hot with far off and eyes. Oh my God.

Why didn't they offer it to you, Holden? Morgan Freeman, is that you? Oh, yeah, she would more go, I know, live on with a farmer bans. I don't know, it's got to have. And then the man, and it crawled through shit in the tunnels, until he made it out of the tunnel, and then he escaped prison,

and that's how he got to the tree or something. Oh, no, Freddie Prince Jr. almost played Bill and Loomis in Scream. Oh, let me do it. Oh, it's me, Freddie Prince Jr. is. Ew! Ew! I got nut on my shoes. There you go. I got a nut all over my shoe because I went to the Madonna concert. Do you know who Freddy Prince Jr. is? I don't think he does know who what Pretty French Jr. is, but I wasn't going to stop him because now I'm scared of him.

Yeah. I will like to say this because of our Buffy watchalong, Patreon.com, I have a podcast to the Tindollu Lair. Because we started watching that, I've been following Sarah Michelle Geller on Instagram, and I didn't realize that. she and Freddie Prince Jr. have been happily together for forever. Forever. Forever. And I'm like obsessed with their relationship now. And I love, it was such a good Instagram follow.

They love their family. They love their kids. They love each other. That's nice. Just happy, beautiful people. Yeah. And by the way, I had the funniest, like, disdain for Freddie Perch Jr. Back when I was in, like, middle high school.

He represented everything I hated about, like, the popular kids in my high school. I hated his gut. Yeah. So hard. I didn't have that because I was popular. So, wow. Interesting.

Yeah, exactly. I think he must have just been a good actor. Yeah, yeah. But he really seemed like, he really embodied the, like,

the person he is and she's all that, you know, like, I really, like, I really assigned that character type to him. But it's so funny now that everyone, we're all older,

like he just seems like a sweet guy. He does. With, and a family man. And I love their whole sitch. Just, I just love. Anyways, oh, am I falling in love all over again?

Oh, feel it. Oh my God, you're going to have to hear me talk about so much love on talking TV when I, you are going to hear me. I have to listen to me go on and on about married at first sight because I've no one else to talk to about it. Oh, I got to jump on. I'll jump on it. You'll have to check out that episode of Talking TV because on talking TV, they can't tell me to stop.

And I get to talk about it. Ah! Yes! I don't like when she laughs like that. I don't like when she laughs like that. Grimes, is that you? The mouths are not mapping my maths. Now, I remembered this from our episode of pop history on Candyman.

Eddie Murphy almost played the titular character in Candyman. Hey, it's me the Candyman. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, right? He laughs weird, right? That's Eddie Murphy's thing. The Candyman? Oh, I thought you meant, I was like, Candyman, don't laugh at all, Hold on. No, no, Eddie Murphy laughs kind of funny.

I was trying to mimic it, but I forgot. You know what I mean? Yeah, you just try it one more time. Hey, it's me, it's the candy man. I've got an erection out of Madonna show. Yeah. Whoa. And the Joker's here, and Harley's here, and we're all queer.

Yes, we're all queer. Jojo's not here because Jojo can play with us. They don't go here. Mean Girls reference. Sorry. Did you know that Tom Cruise asked way too many questions that couldn't be answered on the set of Edward Scissorhands? Cruz was perplexed by how Edward Scissorhands could do everyday things. He would ask questions like, how does he go to the bathroom?

And how did he live without eating all those years? Tom just couldn't suspend his belief. And here's the thing. I understand. I make these jokes every single time I watch Edward Cisorin. I always think I'm like, why didn't you give him hands in the first place? Just to make it, just to see if he could. I mean, I understand he's an adventure and just to see if he could, but like he kept showing

in the hands. Give him the hands. You've got the hands. Give him the hands. Yeah, absolutely. How does he go to the bathroom? Does he even have a penis? He was a maid.

He's like a mannequin man. I don't think so. has like a nub there. He'd be fine at the... But he eats, so it must... He'd be fine at the Madonna concert. Everybody'd be like, I think he's not, I don't even think he's into it, you know?

He's slicing up the runway people to... They're all like, ah, cut me. No, he's turning their outfits into different outfits, which would be really cool. Yeah. Oh, do Edward Cisorhands too, guys. There you go. He's working on his fashion,

but he's up in his mansion. How does he get from his mansion down the street because literally that huge mansion, not in the middle of nowhere, literally at the end of their block, why didn't they ever ask about it? I think we need a commentary for, I think we need a Jackie commentary for ever Cisorhands. This is my own, that's my Roman Empire. That is like me sitting and, and I, don't get me wrong, I love Edward Cicero Hans. I will suspend the belief for Edward Cisorhers. It's one of my favorite romances of all time. But, It is kind of funny.

Yeah. Anyway, speaking of romances and speaking of slappers, Will Smith wanted to change everything about Quentin Tarantino's Django Unchained. Smith insisted because he was going to be in it, so Smith insisted that Django should be the one who kills the villain, Calvin Candy. He also wanted to tone down the violence and make the film more of a love story. Get fucked, Will Smith. Not the movie for you.

The craziest thing to try to alter a Tarantino script on that level is so dumb. Like that's so... To make it less violent and more of a love story, it's like, that's not a Quentin Tarantino film. Like, what are you talking? That's such a Will Smith. Totally. Like, be like, let's make it a Will Smith movie.

Not a Quentin Tarantino movie. You should have some supernatural stuff, like a big monster at the end and a rap song for the summer song, right? Yeah. It's just like, he's just trying to like turn it into what his career, like he, his career, there was a model of a movie at a certain time when we were growing up where it had a rap song in it that was playing on MTV on repeat with scenes from the movie.

It was like an action movie with a lot of comedy elements. And it was just his bread and butter for like three or four years in a row. And then we got bored of it. And we all stopped being interested in that. The Adams family. There it is. Whoop. The Adams family.

It's incredibly like tacked on. really like, you know, I mean, of course, while West, but you all said, we are the men and black. Oh, yeah. That was the peak of it, right? And then he started chasing that Oscar. Yeah, and then he started chasing that Oscar. Did he get it? Yes, he did. He did. He got it for a slap.

But the Illuminati said you have to humiliate a man in a humiliation ritual, right, in order to win the award. And there you go. That's your conspiracy for next week. Are you done. Do you believe? All right. I believe. Go on. I love this one, just because I can only imagine him reading the award. the script and just being like, oh, I don't get it. Sean Connery didn't understand a damn thing in the Lord of the Rings script.

The legendary actor declined the role of Gandalf in the movie trilogy and ultimately $10 million. I got this one. I got this one. Okay, Connery later said, keep it secret. Keep it safe. Why didn't you read the quote that's on the, I thought you were going to read the quote that's on the thing? I read the book.

I read the script. I saw a movie. No, never mind. I thought maybe, I thought maybe. I thought maybe this is something like you have. No, it was keeping secret. I was like, I know the exact, I get, I know exactly how he'd do it.

Keep it secret. Keep her chave. You sound like a squeaky door. That's how he sounded. That's how I know. I can't believe you set me up to read this quote, but I was too obsessed with that one moment in the movie and how he would do it.

So that's how I fucked it all up. That one movie in, well, I understand. Because it would be exciting to see him as it. I just love the fact that he just read. Like, I just imagine him reading all of Lord of the Rings. I'm like, I don't understand. This is how I feel when I read and see Lord of the Rings. I'm happy for the people who like it.

But these words don't go into my brain. They go right off the top, like a rock skipping over a lake. They just go right off the top. It's just so funny. It's like the most basic like good versus evil story. It's like Lord of the Rings is the fantasy version of that. And Star Wars is the sci-fi version of that. but at the end of the day, it just distills completely down to...

It's a journey. We are good guys and you are bad guys and we must defeat you. Too many words. Too many words. I know. I say a lot of words. I know. There are poems and songs in the books, M.J., you would be furious.

They're a total, they just break from everything and you just read a poem for about... Describing a cliff. Yes. This is what the cliff looks like. Yes. I know. I know. People love it.

And I'm happy for them. Thank you. But I will sit with Sean. Connery and be like, oh, I don't understand. Free your fault. Wow, you guys are really killing this. That's my list for you. Oh, my God, good, because I'm out of impressions, man.

I cannot do another one. I did one and I'm done. Hey, I'm Tom Cruise. I'm on that set of the, what was the movie he was doing? I'm on the set of. Edward Cisorhands. It's me. I'm with Cisorhands.

I'm Tom Cruise. The Scientology, yeah? You know what I mean? That was, you know, that's all I got. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I feel like you're about to send me a coconut cake. That was so good.

You're going to fuck a fish now, huh? Oh. Yeah, stick my fucking dick in a fish. Wait, do you put it in the mouth or in the gills? Oh, we disappeared. He would have. No. Tom.

Come back. Man. We need to know. I feel like listeners are either going to love this episode or be severely annoyed by it. And all I have to say to you, listen home, especially yours is severely annoyed by it. Oh. Yeah.

First of all, the crime screams. Second of all, keep a team. yourself. If you hated it, just think about it. Don't write it down anywhere. Keep it secret. Keep it safe. Keep it safe. Keep your reaction to this podcast episode both secret and safe. And sing. I don't even write about it on the

Facebook group I'm not a member of anymore. Don't do it there. Don't do it anywhere. One more thing. It's not my fault. It's not my fault. It's kind of my fault. But it's not my fault. It's not our fault. This podcast episode got weird. Okay. But it's just It's a math thing. I can't explain it to you.

Yeah, you don't know the technology we know. It's like beats per minute. No one's ever heard of beats per minute. Yeah, it's a BPM thing. That's why I did those bad impressions. And we'll fix it next time. I'm sorry. All right.

Guys, big moment here on the show, right? Okay. I think I'm going. Blind! Items! Oh, we can't see them. Buckle up. This is kind of a wordy one.

All right. We're buckled. J.R.R. Tolkien, is that you? Yeah. It hasn't happened. Do you want me doing this, Sean Connery? It hasn't happened with her most recent boyfriend, but for years, whenever this foreign-born former A-List celebrity offspring would get a boyfriend,

this former A-List singer would make every effort to sleep with said boyfriend. It is why the foreign-born celebrity never had any relationship that lasted longer than a month. The singer made it her goal in life to screw over the form-born celebrity, because the foreign-born celebrity called the singer Talentless. The singer, who does have a lot of talent, took offense, and they got into a fight in a club, and the singer won because she is tough like that and made it her mission to get revenge.

It has gone on like this for well over a decade. On a side note, the singer actually lives in the former house of the celebrity. That might be going a little far. Let's get some details. So there's a singer. Miley and Liam. No, but good guess. There's a single, no, it's two ladies.

I'll throw that out there. The one is famous for being the daughter of a famous singer. Okay. Who's kind of made a career for herself, though. And she's also a singer. This is the singer person. She's done singing, but she's not like, oh, she's, but then the singer is, you know, was hugely popular when we were, like, in high school.

Okay. She's kind of gone on to continue to have a career since, but less as a singer and more as, a judge of a talent show, right? Reality talent show. Paula Abdul. No, similar vein, of course. Now you can just start naming judges that are famous. Brittany.

No. It's very close, though. Incredibly close. Oh, Christina. X-Tina. Now, who's the daughter of the famous singer? Who is the daughter? Who is like a star, a celebrity, but...

It was, they were one of the first... Oh, okay, this gives it away too much, but they were one of the first big, like, reality celebrity families. That's how she got famous. Oh, the Hilton's, Paris Hilton. No. The other one. Super fucking incorrect.

Kardashian. No, but they don't have, they're not singers. No, they're not singers. No, daughter of a famous, well, I guess maybe. Oh, yeah. No. Well, if I say singer, I mean screamer. Not the Osbournes.

Yes. Whoa, Kelly Osborne? Kelly Osborne and Garcia-Galera apparently have a crazy feud. This was an article from 2011, but while shooting a segment for East Fashion Police segment. The reality star criticized her rivals fuller figure. So like Kelly Osborne went on E instead.

They were like, what do you think about Christina in this look? It's like, maybe she's becoming the fat bitch. She was always born to be. I don't know. She was always a C word to me. Wow. And then she says later, what does she say? She was like, she justifies it by saying like she always calls me fat. So I'm going to call her fat essentially was like what the whole thing was.

Like on a, it's kind of crazy. So, yeah. Whoa. Yeah, I'm trying to find the exact quote, but it's like, no, no, no. They have like a legit fucking feud. Bro. Wow.

Yeah, yeah. Joe, yeah, she said she called me, Kelly Osborne went on to say, she called me fat for so many fucking years. So you know what? Fuck you. You're fat too. Wow.

This is 2011 by those. This is back in 2011. And that was back when she would like pop off a lot more like about stuff. But I love the idea that every time Kelly Osborne gets a boyfriend, Christine Aguilera makes it her life's mission to fuck the guy. And now she's living at her old house. Wow. And she's like crazy.

It's a great feud because like each of them is very famous and yet also each of like, Kelly Osborne, you want to take on Christina Aguilera? but then also I want to be like, Christina Aguilera is also, like, is not, do you want to take, it's just a, I don't know who to, there's just a weird status thing going.

They're both like kind of middling status in terms of celebrity. Yeah, they're both perfectly. Well, in 2011, were, was XTNA though? 20, well,

that was the thing. Back in the day, they were both hugely popular around the same time, right? Uh-huh. Like, Christina got popular late 90s, uh, Kelly Osborne,

more like mid-aughts, but still, like, they were hot shit. more around that time. You know what I mean? And now they're kind of just a part of the celebrity ecosystem

but neither of them are like it, it gals anymore or anything like that. But it's just very, I don't know, I think it's very interesting to have like a decades long crazy celebrity feud, you know? Wow. I always just think of it like,

if I was just that rich, I mean, you can always think of life like this though, but you're like, if I was like that rich and successful, like I just wouldn't, I think there was one, I read recently, I think there was like kid cuddy, Childish Gambino. Childish Gambino?

Is that right? Am I crazy? There was rumors of a beef there and Childish Gambino was like Hey, like I'm not here for a beef. Like I really don't want to have a situation where we're like out out for each other's necks like if we see each other in public. Like I'm just I'm not about that.

You know what I mean? I'm like yeah. I'm surprised that doesn't happen more often. Like right now all the rapists. Can we please not do this? Right now all the rappers are mad at each other. Like there's a whole few. happening right now between like Drake and Kendrick Lamar and like and they're all like, I'm gonna, it's so funny. It's like they're doing like West Side Story style feuding though where they're like,

I'm gonna sing to you about how you suck. And then you'll sing to me about how I suck and we'll snap our fingers and we'll dance at each other until somebody. I like, the rap battle thing's always been the dumbest fucking thing to me. It's like so immature. Like, could you imagine? I'm gonna write a poem about how you, sir, are not very good in your job. It's crazy.

I mean, if you want to start beeps here on page seven, we can start writing lyrical dizzes towards each other. Roast poems? All right, let's give you, let's, we're gonna write some roast poems with rose poems. Yeah, there you go. We'll dress up like William Shakespeare. We'll dress up like the bard himself.

And we will play the play. We will play the play at each other until one of us is so disgraced. They cry. It's so hilarious. to me, man. Anyways. All right. Next blind. The wife of this A-list actor has always been there for him, but has decided to start making plans to break away and has been looking for a new house to move to with their kids. She loves fucking cucumbers. Oh, man. She can't leave. They're about to have a reality show.

Well, I think that's maybe what I think this rumor tracks because I bet that he doesn't want to do it. And she is like, or do you think that it's- I need to hot my reality show. I have. I have to show the world how legitimate and real I am. Can you read it again, like, now that I know that it's them? The wife of this A-list actor has always been there for him, but has decided to start making plans to break away and has been looking for a new house to move to with their kids. What? Okay, how is she going to support all those?

Nanny. Kids. Child care will be. Could you imagine what that child care? She's like generationally wealthy. Ah. She's fine. Oh, she's fine.

Oh, she'll be fine. and a home full of nannies, and she'll be completely, she's fine. And he'll be paying her out the fucking nose too. And then she can have a reality show. You think he would be so free if he had split custody?

I think he thinks he'd be sad about it, but he knows he'd be so, I bet he's, like, throughout putting little, like, notes. And I bet he's, like, accidentally, like, putting, like, house listings in her, like, you know, with her coffee. You know what I mean?

He's, like, sliding it into her pockets. Look at this. That's a cheap house. That's a big house. Because he already has divorced dad energy now. And he's very much living with his family. And he's the most divorced dad, you know, ever. He seems like a shell of a man.

He seems like killing a person isn't the worst thing that happening. No, being a father of seven is the worst thing. And not being able to go to the opera, guys. I bet that if you asked him, hey, what was worse? What is worse in your life? Absolutely killing a person or having the seven. kids. When you're Alec Baldwin, it used to be this like New York City playboy. Like, what's worth? Ridiculous. Don't answer.

Go out with a bang. Last one. The reality family is now paying people to defend them in comments sections of popular social media posts and websites. It is why you see people defending the youngest one with the side job over her latest stealing from small business discovery. The Dashians. I bet they pay people to defend them. Yeah, the Dashians. Kylie Jenner was accused of ripping off the designs of an Australian designer for her K-H-Y collection, which seems to be failing pretty hard regardless. Whoa, bitchy blind. So also, I'm sorry, MJ, I do owe you 20 bucks for doing that thing where you defend me in the car.

So I appreciate. Yeah, no, I go on Reddit and I say, I love Holden so much. I'm this biggest fan. Yeah, I appreciate it. That's MJ's side job. I thought, yeah, but as of course, your alias, big earl. Big Earl. Big Earl.

And thank you so much ahead of time for saying, hey, I really loved a Sean Connery impression during the Lord of the Rings segment on the list. That was so funny and good and didn't completely grind the show to a full on call. I thought it was good and great, so I appreciate that. I was just taking it back because I thought you were going to read the quote that was there. I didn't. Everything got crossed. wires got crossed, my brain failed me.

You know what I mean? It happened. It's like a Grimes, you got Grimes. I know, you got Grimes. It's like a Grimes laptop just then. It was crazy. It happens, man. Look, math is complicated.

I can't explain it to you guys or the listener because all you all you all are so stupid that you would never understand how bad the show is, but the show is really bad and you should know that. And I can see again. And I can see that you're both here and smiling and laughing. You know, I'm joking. I think the show's going very well. Thank you.

Jackie. Yes. Take it away. Well, I don't know. Say it. Yes, what? What do you want from me, Holden? It's complicated.

I'm just trying to make the BPMs fucking work, dude. And it's just say something. If there's one thing we know about it's BPMs, and if there's one thing you know, it's the end of the show. Thank you guys so much for joining us. But pussy sex. And also butt pussy sex. don't ever, that's our never forget.

Oh, wait, butt pussy mintsry. I was going to say it, but pussy sex doesn't have a BP. No, I'm not really, MJ, I was just gonna let it go. You know, people ask, how do you withholding? How can you handle him?

I'm like, I literally sometimes barely in what he says. I mean, you know, there's a lot of comments about how much people love Holden and none of them are from me. So, love Pussy, minstration, Sacks. This is butt pussy demonstration sex was the way that was supposed to go.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Everybody, never forget. My name is Jackie Browski. You can follow me on Instagram at Jack That Worm. And you can come hang out with MJ and I over on the Sims on Wednesdays. Twitch. dot TV forward slash, oh, no, it's Jackie.

8.30 in the morning. Ooh, it's early, babe. But it is a little bit later for MJ 8.30, Pacific standard time. 11.30. Eastern standard time. Come hang out with us. I don't know. No. I forgot. Just in case, if you guys were wondering, Amber is pregnant with the Grim Reaper's child. And we don't know if the child is going to have Grim Reaper tendencies. So come hang out with us because this week we're going, oh, no, you're going to hear this afterwards. Damn it. We have created a goth nursery at this point. Yes, we're having the Grim Reaper's child. Who doesn't want that? I am holding. I'm sorry. I really apologize. That's how he starts every day. I'm sorry about it. Yeah, yeah. I always have to apologize to my wife for the things I said before I fell asleep.

Sorry, everybody. If you don't, you shouldn't watch me on Twitch. Twitch.tv. 4 slash Holdenaders Ho every Friday with Jackie Weedstream, 6pm ET. But maybe sit it out. I don't know. And then Patreon.com 4.6 page 7 podcast. I'm going to hype it up.

Pay it's a podcast, dude. Five bucks a fucking month gets you. Weekly bonus episodes. We get the leftovers. All the articles we haven't covered. like how Marga Roby's going to do a Monopoly movie. We're going to talk about that in just a little bit on the leftovers. Also, check out Jackie's book readings for that.

And at the $10 layer, our Buffy Watch Along, we are cruising into season two. So it's a good time to jump in if you want to binge the fuck out of season one of our watchalong over there on Patreon. Patreon. On Patreon, Patreon.com, for it such page seven podcast. Sorry. My name is MJ. And I'm MJKL Kat on Instagram. Yeah.

Bye, everybody. Bye. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors, you can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to lastpodcastnetwork.com.