Page 7 - Ep. 538: Ja Only Live Once!

Episode Date: June 6, 2024

This week Jackie, MJ and Holden goss like it's 2013 with the Call Me Maybe memes, Miley Cyrus throwing on heels to hit the gym, JLO bets on it...and it doesn't pay off, Andrew Scott becomes the Queens Guard to read erotica for Quinn, a musical based on the  Glasgow, Scotland Willy Wonka disaster "Wonka Willy Fest: A Musical Parody" starts dropping songs with none other than John Stamos, Trina McGee announces she's preggers at 54, plans are laid for Page 7 Presents the Haterade Tour...Ya Shoulda Known Better: A Not Love Story (JOLO((Ja Only Live Once))), Adele takes down homophobic losers at concert and in Celeb Conspiracy Corner: Are Matt Damon and Ben Affleck Secretly IN LOVE?!?! A list filled with celeb favorite foods and hobbies that show they got that $$$$, da blindz, shout outs and EVEN MORE  Want even more Page 7? Support us on Patreon! Patreon.com/Page7Podcast  Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

just updated itself and so of course an old picture from my cloud popped up and it was a meme from I want to say 2015 and had a picture of fat bastard on it and it said hey I just met you and this is crazy get in my belly you tasty baby and I have been singing that to myself for four days straight Get in my belly, you day baby. And now I want you to think about fat bastard. Every time you hear, call me maybe, which is probably going to be a lot because yes, it's Pride Month. Welcome to Pride Month, everybody, and welcome to page seven.

Get in my belly, you tasty baby. And you know what, MJ is still laughing about it, which means I got them, boys. I got them. Oh, man, not that I love more than a call me. Maybe Meme. I feel like it was one of the earliest, like, meme songs. You know, it was summer 2012. There was that version with the corgis,

and it was just corgis going, Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. You love corgis singing. You can't go wrong with the Call Me Maybe Meme. I'll laugh at all of them. They're all good. And so, yeah, there's never been a battle. I don't even like that bastard,

but I'll laugh at this one till my dying day. Yeah, there was one about killing a sad man, and I laughed. And it was, it shouldn't have been funny. And it was just to kill the sad man, maybe. And I went, ah, yeah. Oh, what about it? Then there's also, which is just a bit of a spin on it.

Hey, I just met you and this is crazy. But I'm a dingo and I ain't your baby. The best part about that is based on a real tragic event. Real story. A real dingo ate a real woman's baby. Oh, that's very good. God, one of the weirdest, like, news, social things in our history. The Dingo 8 year baby, ending up on Seinfeld, is one of the strangest occurrences in pop culture.

Yeah, because I never knew it was real until it was way too late. And then it was like, oh, wow, that was real. Right. Which is very ironic, because the whole point of it is that people didn't believe her. That it was real. And it was a whole case study on how you never know what someone's going through when they're going through, like, grief and law. And so, and there's this weird complex people have where they think people should react

a certain way to tragic events when in actuality, if you're really going through it, you're going to be like in shock, stunned. You're going to emotionally protect yourself. So call me. Yeah, there are some memes that are just not funny. Like, hey, I just met you.

And this is crazy. I have Alzheimer's. Hey, I just met you. Oh, no. Yeah. These are real 2030. teen memes everybody. I, the summer that that song came out was also the summer that I fell in love with Gideon

and it was just like the perfect soundtrack to falling in love. So obviously everybody loves that song. I don't think I've ever met a human being who doesn't love that song. But I'm a bit of a, that's a bit of a song that I love. All right, that's something unique about me. Yeah, you're not like the other words. I remember that summer. I was so drunk so much that summer that at one point I realized I was dating my own shoes.

And I was like, this is not going. Yeah, but to be fair, yeah, that's when you were so broke that like the bottom was flapping open. And we kept telling you to put your tongue in there and you kept doing it. And honestly, I was proud of you. And you like accepting your love of the shoes, really getting in there, really just slapping the soul against your penis. Yeah.

We just had communication issues, you know. And my shoes left me for a pair of stilettos, which I get. I was. I would too. I would too. They were amazing stilettos. Yeah, especially if they were the stilettos that Miley Cyrus is wearing while she works out, everybody. Honestly, I thought about you, Holden, while I included this article, because we all know Holden is a heel man.

For sure. I don't know if I want to see you working out in heels, per se. That might be a little strange. I just like the reasonings. I thought originally, and she did say, confirm this, but seemed to lean way more into this other concept of why she does it, but it was like, oh, yeah, like, she's performing in heels, like, at all times pretty much. So she's, like, training up for that. Like, that's why she does it. But she was like, yeah, it's kind of that. But it's actually, I want to, like, make the gym less scary,

which is so weird. If that is what makes the gym less scary for you, I'm so happy for you. Like, it's really, and same with, like, your heel thing is very cute to be because I'm like, I have such a, it's, like, femme stuff feels like such a language that I haven't, like learn and can't speak. And, and also I'm like attracted, I'm like attracted to mask stuff for myself, but also I'm like sexually attracted to mask stuff. So the idea of like seeing a heel and being like,

yeah, I like, I don't understand it. But I, but I, but I, but I'm so happy for the, I love it. I'm like, this is so nice. I love that you can go to the gym and feel so nice about that. I love that you could, Holden can just see a shoe and get a little bit of a boner about. I think that that's nice or whatever a healer. Well, all right, let's back the truck up a little bit.

I can't just see a shoe. I mean, you did just say. A little bit of a boner about it. Okay, that was a specific summer. That was, I was blackout. Okay, that was different. All right. All right.

The woman needs to be in the shoe. She's have her feet in the shoe and like, oh, no, not her hands. What if her hands were in the shoe? If whatever hands were in the shoes, then that's a heel dog. And I don't mind a heel dog clomping around. You know what I mean? But, oh, yeah. It's a little bizarre to me.

What if she's going, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, and she's got heels taped to her knees, and then her hands in her heels, and she's, yeah, that's difficult. Right, and very impressive. I'm not, I'm not quite there yet very soon. I'm about to have watched enough internet pornography to get to that point, because that's the thing. You just, you just level up with internet pornography. You just, you kind of, you get to the next phase, the next phase, the next phase. What about a heel that has a goldfish living inside it?

Oh my God, dude. Are you talking about I'm going to get you Succa, one of my favorite comedies from when I was a kid? Because if you're not, let me tell you. I'm pretty sure MJ's not. I'll let you keep going because I'm not. But you can keep going as if I am. I think I might be referencing Austin Powers.

Where have I seen a platform heel with a goldfish in it? And we're sexy. I have lots of sexy places. I'm going to get you Sucko. We're talking, it's the Wands Brothers Joint. It's making fun of like black exploitation films. I used to watch this movie with my dad all the time. And there was this one scene where this dude steps out in like giant platform shoes and in the heel, our goldfish.

But as he's walking, they like break and everyone's making fun of him. And he's like clop at these. He's like, oh, and he like starts crying and stuff and like running down the street. Oh, man. And it's so funny. Shoutouts to that movie, dude. I fucking loved that shit. Hell yeah.

No, I'm terrified of heels and any person that tells me that like, no, but these ones, they're actually comfortable. Just put them on. I'm like, is this a joke that I don't understand? Like, I don't, I, I definitely dressed way more mask for most of my life. I do not know how to walk in heels. People are like, you can learn. You just got to get in.

And I'm just like, but it is horrible. It makes me, I'm like, I guess I just, I just can't do it. But you know what? It does do amazing things for the ass. I know. For years I tried to learn. This is what I say. It makes an ass look like a complete.

different ass. I'll say to you, okay, so I told Lexington heels early on our relationship, and one of our first dates, she got these really, well, not super early. I mean, we were clearly starting to see each other more seriously because she went out and got really nice, like, heels for me. And literally, I don't think we got a block down the street and she collapsed to the ground, right? She's not a heel of wear. But then I just said, hey, it's all good. It's all good. As long as you can put them on from time to time in the bedroom, we're good. And then you're not walking anywhere. You're mostly laying or generally in

a dog-like position. So, you know, where she's got the heels on her knees and the heels on her hands. Yeah, yeah, and winking at the heat dog. That's, by the way, that's where that came up. The she dogs and the he dogs. Well, the Kim Katrowski is based on this heel dog concept.

The sex in the city does talk a lot about heels and all comes around. All comes back around. All comes back around. She hates Sarah Jessica Parker. So much, dude. She hates me. Yeah, they really do. They really don't like each other. And man, there's a lot of people

that really don't like Jennifer Lopez right now. Oh, I'm starting to feel bad now. I'm starting to feel bad. I'm starting to go around. I'm starting to feel bad. It is, I hate, man, having a conscience sucks sometimes. Yeah. Because I do, I want it sometimes,

I know it's for the best that I've grown and that I've learned and I try to think of other people's perspective. Because sometimes I just want to go, back in my bully brain and be like, yeah, that sucks for you. But all I can think about now is like, could you imagine air kissing a partner when you're going through a rough time and that everyone's like, but did you see that they air kissed and they're not making out the way they always do?

Like I would just, and she canceled the concert and like the whole tour, I mean. The whole tour. That's the thing. I'm starting to feel sad. That's, I don't know what's sadder. Like the dissolution of your marriage that everybody thought was like a wonderful fairy tale ending or... It was the story that's ever been told, MJ. I know.

And the dissolution of the tour of the story that's never been told. It's all sad because it's all interconnected. You probably shouldn't go on a tour. They're all happening because of each other. You probably shouldn't go on a tour on an album that's all about how your marriage is the greatest love story of all time. While in the background, your marriage is absolutely cruebling, which you probably knew. Now, this is my question that I posed to the two of you. Riddle me this, you fucks.

Ooh. Yeah. Okay. All right. I take back to you fucks, you know what, riddle me this. I'm a fuck, go on. No, we could have been fucks.

Yeah, we're fucks. All right. All right, fuckers. We'll be this. Yeah, we're fox. How much do you think Jalo did this because of ticket sales and how much do you think she did this to try and save her own marriage?

All because of ticket sales. It's only money. There's no way it has anything to do with her trying to work on her relationship. Because I do see a world in which. Which is what she said is there is. She claims that it's to spend time with her family. Yes. For everyone that is not aware.

But who is like, I need to, I need, I want to take this time instead. I choose to spend time with my family instead. And that decision is the most heartbreaking, upsetting decision I've ever made in my life. Like no one, no one talks like that about making the decision to spend more time with their family. If that's really what they want to do. That's a very good point. It's like my heart is broken into a thousand pieces. Yeah, she said she's completely heart.

sick and devastated. To spend time with your family. Oh, that's such a good catch. I didn't even think of that. Yeah, that was the tell. I'm doing this to be with my family. I'm devastated. That I have to do that instead of being on tour. Like, you kind of told on yourself with that one for sure. But yeah, they do almost kiss at the basketball game because I thought that was a sign

to me. Whoa. I didn't realize, though, too, that it was quietly rebranded as a greatest. hit show that they had pivoted away completely from the album, this is me dot, dot, dot, dot now, colon a love story. Because nobody cared about the album. Because nobody cared. Yeah.

It totally, it totally, her gamble did not pay off. Her gamble failed so hard. She was like, but what about Atlas? Holden, it has 19% on Rotten Tomatoes. Oh my God, really? Wait, wait, Atlas is that? Atlas is the Netflix movie that she is also shopping right. So all of this is all at one time.

I forgot about this. That's what all these interviews are. There have nothing to do with the concert. It has to do with Atlas, this horrible, apparently, Netflix movie that just dropped. And word on the street is, it's real bad. Yeah, her stock has plummeted. Like that, the album failed, the movie failed.

And the only thing people want to talk about the, yeah, the marriage is failing. And the only thing they want to talk about when it comes to the documentary is the stuff that shows the cracks in the facade and making fun of the like, when I let my head out, I'm back in the Bronx. It's now like a forensic document in figuring out why the marriage is failing

instead of a documentary that she can be proud of. There's a clear takeaway here, and the takeaway is be less ambitious. Yes. If she had just gotten together with her... Never shoot for the moon. Yes. Yes.

Like, if they had just gotten together and just been like, you know what, this is so nice. It's been 20 years. We felt like we were meant for each other back then. It didn't work out. Now we're back together again. Let's just let like, and obviously working is about what you care about is good.

But she was so obviously trying to be like, I'll do my own eras. And I'll do my own, you know, homecoming and I'll do my own lemonade. And if she, I mean, maybe the relationship still would have failed. But it seems like we know for sure that her making the movie and the documentary contributed to the failing of the marriage. So it's like you could have just enjoyed some time together. You're so rich. You didn't need to do this. You want to know what needed to happen and period?

Greatest Hits, Las Vegas residency. Yes. That's it. Yeah. That's all she had to do. That's all she had to do. You'd be living cushy every night. Min Affleck thrilled.

He can gamble his life away out there too. He could fuck in. You can see your kids. You can have like a good quality of life. Maybe that's why she doesn't want to up and move. them to Vegas. Maybe she's nervous about that. No, no, no, no. There was a Vegas residency plan, which is now falling apart because of all this other shit. So no, no, no, no. She wasn't better. She wasn't like trying to do anything. She's spending time with her family, Holden,

and I feel like you're not giving her that. I saw by the way. She needs time with her children, Holden. Hello, Ed Larson and Amber Nelson from the brighter side here to check in with you. See how you're doing. Is your day more disappointing than a game? Station sandwich. Are you trying to put one foot in front of the other in a glue factory? Did you try to throw your air friar in the bathtub, but nothing happened because you were too lazy to plug it in first? Then the brighter side podcast is for you. Oh yeah!

Each week we take nasty, dukey, stupid, dumb. Stinky, no good, doo-doo factory. Caca-like topics and try to find the brighter side. Hey, Amber, what's the bright side? righter side of waking up chained to a bed at Russia. Um, at least they have free health care. That's right. So start your weekend off right every Friday with the brighter side on the last podcast

network. You beautiful babies. I'm basing this off of I saw a headline so maybe I could pull it up really quick of like her planned Vegas residency that was supposed to happen is now completely in question and probably not going to happen because of all this other shit. Damn. All she needed to do. was a greatest hits

Las Vegas residency where she tax on like a set from the new album you know if she even wanted to put the new album actually no don't even put a new album out girl you're good you're fine you don't need to do it you don't you are like I just again I want people to be creative

especially I want like established rich people to be creative because you don't have to take like weird you could just then have the space to make whatever you want and so I think that that's nice but also in this case it just seems like you maybe just didn't have that much to say, except about kind of your own navel gazing. And if you had just taken some time,

like, maybe... Now she's got something to say. Now she's got something to say. Can you imagine going forward with a project when Jennifer Lopez says, in the dock, I don't think Ben is very comfortable with me doing all of this, but he loves me. He knows I'm an artist, and he's going to support me in every way he can, because he

knows you can't stop me from making the music I make. He doesn't want to stop me, but that doesn't mean he's comfortable being the use. Here's the difference. So why would you do it? Yeah.

Here's the difference. So it's one thing to like feel like I got to put something out there. I've got something for the world. There's there's between that and like feeling this impulse as an artist to put something out. And like using your like really chaotic like love story with your husband that finally got stable again, you know, yada, yada, yada. As like this just completely just. Material. Yeah, using it, but it's not even

It's, yeah, it's using his material, but it's like, For content! It's using it for like popularity. It's not even like, you know what I mean? Yeah, right. Yeah. It's not just inspiration. It's like, can I leverage this?

She's offering the free pizza to be school, high school class president, right? She's free pizza Fridays, right? Yeah. That's like how it feels. It's just so thin. Come see Ben's sadness from the inside. Yeah. Yeah.

Everybody knows it's there. It's so. So what if I. leverage that to make my own self more popular. When there really isn't that crazy of a love story going on and it's something we are all super privy to. But we were all happy for her but it was like, girl, let that exist in the background and then like go perform and do your stuff.

But instead she was like, oh, that's what you guys want. Then let's bring it right up front and center for you guys. Yeah. Documentary, movie, album, and World Tour all based on. And then when Ben's just like, fuck this. I didn't sign up for this. This is what killed us. This is what destroyed us.

Was being too open and too, like, having too many people in the world invested in our personal lives. That's what destroyed us. And we've already talked about that. Can you imagine the pressure? I'd be so annoyed if Lexi was like, I'm putting our love story out there,

like on every level. And I, you know, there's kind of nothing you can do to stop this. I want to read the love letters, Holden. I want to read every person. thing you've ever written to your wife. It's just grocery lists and text chains. That's what you would see.

You would see that every now and again. I know what that means. Get the fruit roll-ups out. Every now and again, a post-fight giant text where it's just a bunch of thought. You know, it's just like, I just think that we are, you know what I mean? It's like those. And then bananas, pickles, Cheerios. Whoa.

What a list. Also, like, and this is not a dig at Jennifer Lopez because they're together. But can you just imagine, can we talk for a second about the like children's baseball game or whatever that where the scale is happened? Where they were attending. It was Ben and Jennifer Garner's kids. I think it was a baseball game. Yes, it was a basketball game. Basketball.

Okay. Sorry, basketball game. And think about the balls and where the balls go, MJ. The balls were bouncing. They're bouncing and they go in the net. And so Jennifer Garner is there. Ben Affleck is there and Jennifer Lopez is there. And I'm not even saying like J-Lo don't go because, you know, you're in this new relationship or whatever.

You're supporting. You're trying to be the mom who steps up or whatever. That's all nice. But I just feel bad for the kids playing that basketball game. And it's not anybody's fault. I guess it's the paparazzi's fault. Maybe it's our culture's fault for being like. But I just, can you imagine?

You're just trying to have a fucking basketball game and Jennifer Garder, Ben Affleck, and J-Lo are there. They've got to be used to it though at this one. Right? And all of the like the similar, like all of the other kids like have to be used to. They can't be the only celebrities that are there. Well, that's the thing. I'm sure that whatever school that is, every other kid also has rich and famous parent too.

But it was just like a bit of a mind fuck to be like so weird that they're like, oh, it's time for our like Saturday basketball game with Jennifer. for Lopez, Ben Applaca, Jennifer Garner. Like, what a different stratosphere some people live in, you know? Oh my God, I can't even imagine. And then just, I would be upset every time my parent went anywhere.

Like, what about me? Yeah. I'm the little Leo. Look at me. Right, or like, you want to go, like, I'm sure that it would be differently upsetting if the parents didn't go, but then if they did and you're a teenager.

That's the thing. And then they also aren't supporting. Yes. It must suck. And so, you know, it must actually really suck to be J-Lo and Ben Affleck trying to have a relationship. Because those fights, like Holden mentioned, you can't just, like you said, Jack, you can't just be like pissy and give a little pissy kiss and not have everybody

notice. Like, it would horrifically suck. No, you have to go, ah, my love, aha, my love a punts this day. Like, that's how I would be acting. I would be really, it's like, oh, you want to see it? You want me to go over the fucking top? I'll do. Go to any Saturday children's basketball game.

I guarantee you that there are like simmering fights going on between many of the parents there, but they just don't get captured by the paparazzi. And so it would suck to be like, oh, I'm so bad at you. I'm going to do an air kiss, you know. But so I'm feeling for everybody involved. The air kissed and their love is dead. And everybody knows because it was an air kiss. I just like that they're spending time together.

And at this point, I do truly now just feel bad and hope that Ben Affleck can keep it reeled in with the drink, drink, drink, because that seems to be the pattern for him. Oh. And that J-Lo can maybe, maybe this will be the truest love story ever told where she realizes that, you know, it's not about the fame, you know?

It's not about the accolades. It's about what you got at home. And until you can no longer be devastating. Which is devastated. Absolutely devastated. Absolutely devastated to be spending time with those people. Those.

As a shit, you're like, oh God, J-Lo, you got to stop puking everywhere. my kids. I'm just Jenny from the block. I mean, despite being a diva, she does seem to have less like open contempt for her children than Mariah does. Sure. But Mariah seems to have weirdly figured it out. Am I right?

No, because now she knows how to use them. I think she needed to wait until they got old enough so that she could utilize them for what she needed them for. And now they'll finally sit still and be the props that they were supposed to be. Thank you, children. I was thinking about that. I think I was even with Winnie at the grocery store and she was being so loud and I was like, I can't believe there was ever a time

where people actually said, children should be seen and not heard, which just speaks towards such a level of abuse. Isn't that, this is my entire journey with parenting. I'm like, when I think about like how people expect children to behave, I'm like, oh, I think that for like the last millions of years until roughly 30 years ago, they were just beating the shit out of,

You just break them. Or like getting in their faces or like whatever it was or taking away. Terrifying them. Taking away something they absolutely love. You know what I mean? That's the only way to control of it. Isn't that it that's insane? That doesn't work sometimes.

I mean, even my mother who, my mother is ambidextrous and it's because she was born left handed, but she was beaten into writing with her right hand. Well, her didn't want her to be gay. I mean, that makes sense. I mean, you got to make sure that she's on the straight and narrow. Lord, help us. Now, all right, let's get a little bit hornier, guys. All right, before you start screaming about how, you know, children used to be raised.

I brought up this article just so that I could say, because I feel like this is a big story in my private life, the fact that Adam Scott, and yes, the sexy priest from Fleabag, but also multiple other sexy things that I have been currently watching, is starting to do near audio or, on the app Quinn. And then when I tell you, who dog, I just needed everyone to know

that if you're not hit to audio erotica and you don't know anything about it, look into it because I think that it's really helping a lot of, like, opening up a lot for people that didn't realize like, oh, I would be totally turned out. Like maybe porn's not your thing, but audio erotica and just listening to someone like,

talk to you very intimately is your thing. This gave me flashbacks to our Wish on the Brewser fan fiction episode that we did. And it really opened my eyes when it comes to the differences between different people and how they receive erotica. Also, I said Adam Scott and I met Andrew Scott. Andrew Scott, yeah. I would listen to Adam Scott do it too. It's very different, very, I would do, but very different. And not to be like too binary about it.

But generally speaking, like the fan fiction. websites are very predominantly like female driven. There's a large trans contingent as well, but it's like not as much of a dude bro space at the very least we can agree. And porn is like, which is so funny, this is dude bro as fuck right. Nurse walk in, tit out. Man get hard. Fuck nurse.

That's about what you're looking for, I guess. That's like what porn has been for like so long. And yes, there's all these other options out there. and we're getting a little more. And also you can look up ethically sourced porn, and there's many ways to filter out. But I just realized like how it's so childish, like fundamentally what general,

like popular porn has been, at least until more recent times. It's just like, clown get hard in dressing room, you know, oh yeah, like, police officer of some clown dick, you know what I mean?

We're thinking about like, Jeff and I were talking about not that long ago, how much, I don't know for you guys, but like, I watched a lot of Skinimax growing up, and I think that I expected a lot more media to have a lot more fucking in it because of how much Skinnax I used to watch. Because, like, that was back when it's like, quote, porn for women because there was a story. Right.

And you know, only a person identifying as a woman would like a story when it comes to fucking. When it's like, yeah, sure, don't get me wrong. I love, oh, the mural artist came. in and he's making a mural inside of the cathedral and the nuns have never seen a different man before. You know, like, I'm going to watch it. Yeah, but, but there's such a difference between like that, and that's a male lens too. Yes, creating that stuff. Whereas if you go to fan fiction, that's truly like storytelling and service of building up to the kind of like thing that seems to be more engaging for the female population of like, of like we're going to set a stage.

We're going to introduce characters. We're going to try to give them depth as much as we can. And then we're going to get to the juicy stuff. But we're going to work our way into that, you know, instead of just, yeah, a monkey get its ass fucked, you know what I mean, or whatever, which is what you mean? It just depends. I mean, or yeah, you can listen to Andrew Scott portraying a queen's guard with a unresolved feelings for a fiery rebel.

See, that's just so different from so much of the porn I watch, which is just like, oh, I'm your neighbor and I'll be going to fuck you out. You know what I mean? It's just so surface. In male gaze porn, but the story is like 10 seconds. The story is literally, it's the most dumbed down and it's like they could do more. They don't need to. They just don't.

They just don't. You know what I mean? And so, yeah, I love that now we're getting into like the audio space because there should be more options. And it's really fascinating to get an eye in. I feel like it's good for even if you are more into like very surfacey

porn, like, you know, me. I mean, honestly, like I'm fine with that. I don't need to set the stage upon the moon, you know what I mean? The fairy man. Yeah, I never felt like I never felt like I fit in with all the, like I would talk to, I remember having so many conversations

with my women friends about this when I was younger and they'd be like, you know, I need a scene. I'm on a pirate ship. And, you know, they can describe it. And I was like, I just don't relate to this. So you're reading one piece? What's going on?

Yeah. So it's very insightful for me, dumb man, me, to see these things and experience these things. But also the audio erotica, there's something about it like being in your ears that it makes me understand way more because I don't really listen to a lot of podcasts or other things. Like it makes me understand the ideas of parisocial relationship. because listening to someone talk in your ear too seemingly you is something I didn't know I was very fascinated by.

So intimate. It puts you in the scene. That's funny. You know. That's so funny, especially since you're an audiobook narrator, but it's not a personal, emotional experience you've had. Whereas, like, yeah, I never got into, I, you know, have been podcasting for 12 years. I never listened to them until basically the pandemic.

and that I was like, oh yeah, like if you feel lonely in your own head, you can feel not lonely by listening to books or podcasts. But I've never, usually that's when I'm like doing solitary things and I don't want to be horny. Right, right. But I do think it's very funny the idea of being like, all right, it's time to fold the laundry, but then like five minutes in you're like, you know what, I need to stop. I got to stop. I need a break. Right. Hey, I need to stop outside.

I just stepped out of side. I've been voted the laundry for three hours. What's going on now? Mopping the floor. Hornily unloading the dishline. You know my doing the dishes. So maybe I need to give it a shot, give it a spin while I'm rinsing some plates.

Are there Sischette's disease options on that site? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's for all. That's why I love about it. It's very inclusive. There are many, you know, many avenues of which you can go down. So I can hear a sexy lady talking about the fun she has.

Oh, yes. The gargoyle or whatever it is. you guys are in to, yeah. Oh, yeah. I've, I've, I've listened to quite a few Sapphic tales.

Uh, the tales, too, I guess I have. But I, I don't know if there's going to be many sapphic tales

involved in the Willie's Candy Spectacular, a musical parody. Now, we're talking about, okay, go with me,

guys. Remember the Willy Wonka experience in Glasgow? What if? In February. In February. Yeah, I mean, it was the first, like, big fun story of the year, right?

I mean, it really was, like, as far as, like, that's why I love about every new year, you're like, what's the dumb internet sensation going to be this year? That was the first one to hit. And we all love it. Especially now that Twitter sucks, it's, like, harder to get those moments, you know? So this was like a fun, like everyone's talking about this. This is fun. It was like, yeah, one of our big first collective experiences. And now, the month's, John Stamos has made a video.

Managed to make an internet video from 2013. Talk about Call Me Maybe. This is a Call Me Maybe Corgi's singing internet meme from 2012. Like, this is the most old-fashioned internet video I've ever seen in my life. Can you guys agree with me on this? We don't make videos like this anymore. It is a three minute and 38 seconds music video. It's like the David Hasselhoff jump in my car music video that I love so much.

This used to be all what the internet was in 2012. It was fantastic. You had to sit down for three and a half minutes. to get a funny video. Yeah. And John Stamos is bringing it back about the Willie's Candy experience. I'm finding a lot of parallels, too,

to our Cats thing. And the whole, like, you know, but-hole cut release and the apocalypse. With that, I feel like it's very similar DNA with how we felt about 2019's Cats. I point to that event as being the, the beginning of the downfall. The beginning of the end.

But they're pointing to Willy Wonka. So who knows at this point what's caused... Years after the start of a pandemic. Yeah, I know. the other thing I'm like, it's a three and a half minute video featuring John Stamos in the style of a 2012 internet video with like background graphics and he's singing. And so he's John Stamos. It's very adorable. He's singing about the Willy Wonka, Edinburgh failed experience. And it's like funny and fun. But I'm like, A, why are you doing this? B, what are you marked? What is this for? I know it's a marketing thing.

This is all for the musical that is debuting in Edinburgh because the, The actual incident was in Glasgow. So there's actually a musical being performed at the Edinburgh Fringe Fest in August. So what they're doing is they're about the Willy Wonka experience. So they are going to be releasing once a week songs leading up to the musical debut in Edinburgh. So I guess they got John Stamos on board, which I don't know how they did. I don't know how they got him to do this. I will say recently I was at a party with John Stamos, and yes, he smells as good as you would imagine him too.

Is he as ruggedly handsome as he seems to be now? Yes. Oh, yes. Man, if I thought I was a Jackie in the Rippers from back in the day, I am an older, ooh, give me that soup, daddy over your eyes. Daddy John Stamos is better. Because his teeth are going to fall out because he's so old, so he's going to eat soup. That's why I call him.

Which is connected to the event you were at, but John Stamas, I will say, the reason why I'm like, oh, yeah, that makes sense is because he's very comedy adjacent. He loves comedians. He loves funny things. I think he's one of those. He's like always wanted to be more of a comic guy. So I think he would enjoy a project like this because it's just silly and weird. Yes. Also, it's so the only problem I, yeah, I think the big issue I have with this, though, is just so kind of thrown together with green screen. and it just looks like so, I don't know, whatevery a little bit that... 2012 internet video.

Yeah, it is. What are we doing here? Yeah. And it is fun. I miss those kind of videos. And, but yeah, it is, it's just, it's a head scratcher. But I guess it is good for marketing of Edinburgh Fringe show. They're having a lot of fun over there.

Yeah, they're having a good time. They're having fun. Last week, you look like you're having a great time up there. Yeah, they certainly do. Yeah, I'm happy for fun. Yeah, I'm happy for him. Absolutely. And yeah, I mean, I will say one of the biggest surprises of my adulthood has been how much I have, like, really grown fond of, with the exception of Candace Cameron Bray, the entire full house cast, cast, cast, cast, cast,

they're all in a text group together. Even the Olson twins, like, reunited to take a picture. They were, like, a cast picture that they took on Bob Sagitt's birthday. Yeah. They all seem to really, like, love the shit out of that guy. Yeah, I think it was. I think his death brought them all back together. Brought them back together.

And Jody Sweeten, who we talked about years ago on the show when she was having like her own kind of Amanda Bynes hard time situation, child star transitioning to adulthood moment. Like she seems to have landed in a really like lovely place and she posts about protecting trans kids. And like it's just very sweet. They all seem to be really, considering that Full House has always been a bit of a punchline in pop culture, I think it's very nice that all of them are like,

we did it and we love it and we miss him and we're just like so we love each other yeah it's like I'm strangely happy for them man I don't know what this doesn't matter at all but complete sidebar I did just have it speaking of sitcoms from our childhood you remember Angela from boy meets world she's having her fourth child at the age of 54 oh yeah Jesus Christ dude like man more power too I mean she looks fabulous but I just I saw the head but I was like 50 54. Wow, starting again at 54. Wow. That's crazy to me. Can I start sidebar to the sidebar? I have to say this out loud. Maybe I've already pitched this, but if not, it must be stated because it's consuming me right now. There are two people right now that everyone online loves to hate on, right? Two people we can all agree unanimously as a culture. It's not because of anything necessarily super problematic. I guess one of them a little bit with some of the stuff in the past. But for the most part, it's just kind of fun to hate them right now. Those two people, are Jojo Siwa and JLo. So why not bring those forces together.

We'll call it like the Haterade tour. Joe Joe Joe Jolo. Yeah, we call it Jolo. We call it the Jolo tour. You only Jolo, you only live once, Jolo. And it's the kind of show. Oh my God. And it's the kind of show.

Jah only live once. Jah only live once. You only live once. Yeah, Jah only live once. No, no, no. You call the tour you should have known better. Oh. And it's the thing about.

about it. And this is the thing about it. You get in and they purposely crank up the heat. They show like videos of just like people getting injured the whole time. You mean literally like make it really like temperature hot in there? Isn't that one of the plates about Madonna's tour that was too hot? We're talking about Madonna's tour. But yeah, it's like you crank up the heat. You make it weird smoky like smokey like smoke your eyes. The video, there's not even music that plays me walking. It's just videos of people getting hurt and just like upsetting footage of just stuff. And it's just and then just like, dude, that will take the nation. by storm. Do you kidding? So many people would show up. People love to hate. Oh my God.

Can you imagine Jojo Siwa trying to do her signature dance move but then like slamming J-Lo in the head? She's trying to like do her head banging thing. Make them like share a stage throughout the show. So it just yeah. Oh, that would be so cool. One of them is a very famously excellent dancer.

Yes. And one of them isn't. And you put them both up and they do their sets at the same time. It's just like absolute ear. just ear bashing. They both do their sets, the music blasting from each different side of the stage,

everything about it. And they hand out barf bags in the beginning. Like if you don't throw up, you get half the price of your ticket bag. Oh, I love that. I need to go to bed for J.Lo here for a second. Just to say that we are talking about

someone who can sing and dance very well. And then someone named Jojo C-W. Jojo C-W can dance. She just chooses not. Dude, come on. She does know how to dance, though, right? She can dance. They each do like...

So you think you can dance? In the middle of the show, they each do like 30 minutes of comedy, 30 minutes of stand-up. Yeah, you make it like a triathlon. So that they have to do a bunch of different, like, things that's like, are you a triple threat or not? And the answers, obviously, no. And we do bring out features.

Who are the features? Nick Cannon comes out, does something. Oh, man, just to piss off. Ryan Carey. Yeah, yeah. Different diva. He's like, I'll be here. We get him out there.

Yeah, he can and come. Who else? Yeah, just a bunch of great features. All the. I feel like Bianca Sensori or whatever Kanye's, quote unquote, wife is. I feel like she'll be there, but Kanye will be off to the side, just like brooding and forcing her to be there on stage. Like, yeah, yeah.

You really, you really get people. This is like a go-to-the-concert type of musical experience. Yeah. This is a go-to-the-concert. and teaches Spanish for like 20 minutes with all of her kids on stage. I mean, while J-Lo's like, I actually could do it.

And Hilari's like, no, no. Let me, let me. You don't know what I happened in my life, okay? All right, Hilaria. And then Ben Affleck comes out and speak Spanish because remember, that's one extremely cool thing about him is that he's very going to see his Spanish. All right, tell me, please,

if there is a God in heaven, dude, that Ben Affleck ends up, Hilary ends up cheating on Alec with Bin Affleck. That's the new, like, crazy celebrity skiddle that we get in a few months. He's speaking of the Spanish, so, bueno, I couldn't help him. Tom Cruise comes out with a sturgeon on his cock. Everyone's like, fuck, yeah. Oh, that's that fish.

Oh, that fish! Page 7 presents the hater-a-a-dor. You should have known better. You should have known better. Colon, a not love story. Yes. Colon. Perrequethees, Jolo.

double parentheses, jaw only live one. Ja only live one. Yeah, dude, Colin Hanks, or not Colin Hanks. Chet Hanks. Oh, Chet's gotta be there. Chet's there, yeah. Talking about race, like, too much.

Yeah, but he's also trying to get everyone to watch the Brats movie. And we're like, please don't make us watch the Brats movie, Chad. Come on, let's get it together. All hit up Live Nation. After this, we'll try to get some stuff in the works.

You know what I mean? Contact the Justice Department to get in touch with Live Nation. because the Justice Department is currently suing Live Nation so we can go through that. So that we can sell the tickets at the proper price. Because I mean, what do people really, I feel like this is the kind of thing that, like, you can make a peanut butter sandwich and that will get you into the show. You know what I mean?

Something like that. Yeah, I said that they're stewing them. I don't think that's probably the right language. Whatever's happening with Live Nation. Hopefully we're going to be able to see, hopefully people will be able to see this concert very easily because this is going to be a, this is going to be a, this is going to It's going to be the new eras. It's bring your own toilet seat.

That's all. You just got to, if you bring your own toilet seat and you can make on whatever chair you find, then you get in for free. You get a barf bag, but you have to put the toilet seat kind of like around your head. Over your head. Yes. Like you're puking into the toilet. Like a dental bandage.

It will also help you keep your mouth shut. So it depends on how tight the toilet seat is, I guess. But I just want to give Adele a quick shout out because I love Adele. so much. And one thing that we do know about Adele is that she stands up for what she believes in and literally someone at her concert yelled out, pride sucks. And she turns around and says, did you come to my fucking show and say that pride sucks? Are you fucking stupid? Don't be so fucking ridiculous. If you've got nothing nice to say, shut up, all right? In the middle of her show. Love it. It is a great question. Are you fucking stupid? Are you a fucking stupid? Are you a

I know that she's not like Gaga in terms of like a massive singular queer icon, but I would put Adele in there with queer icons. Like what are you doing here, buddy? Why are you at this show? This is the problem that the internet happened and people don't understand that the internet isn't real life. To me, this is just another yet another case of a fucking probably too old to be on Facebook person screaming something because they forgot they're not. not like in front of their computer or phone. She's performing. They're cracked phones. They're cracked old phone. You know what I mean? Like it's one of those. They scroll like this.

They use their pointer finger and do it with, you know what I mean, all like antiquated. Maybe, but is it possible that there's just like young homophobes who love Adel? I mean, I guess, like, what percent, what piece of the pie is that? Or they were drag. I would assume they were dragged there by somebody and didn't want,

I would assume. Yeah, totally. Yeah, that was a, are you fucking stupid? Best follow-up question to. Great. Right? It's perfect. Great, yeah.

I just am obsessed with Adele. I want to be Adele. I want to kiss Adele. Everything about Adele. I just want to, you know what it is? I want to absorb her essence. And is that a scary thing to say? Yes.

Yeah, I want to cut her up and eat her guts and be her. Just like a sliver. Just a sliver. Just to like get the taste in my mouth. Yeah. What about you, MJ? Do you want to cut her up? I want her essence.

I hadn't thought about what tools I would use to get it, but I also want her essence. Yeah. This is a joke. This is comedy. We don't actually want to cut Adele up. We love Adele. We want her to exist.

Satire. Satire. I do want to absorb her into my spirit. No, allegedly or whatever. Yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah, allegedly. Respectfully. Respectfully, we want to do that.

Yeah, yeah. Consensually. I definitely want to be consensual. She agreed to these sort of slicing's happening in a sober state. It's like a death becomes her type kind of situation, I feel like. I feel like we're going to be more in that realm than anything. Then we're going to live forever and then we're going to kiss. Speaking of death becomes her, there's no real segue to this one.

But it's time for you to hit me with the share. Ooh. Do you believe it? Are Matt Damon and Ben Affleck secretly in love? I mean, is it secret? This one comes in from Emily who writes, Hello, Holden. I stumbled across a post on Insta talking about how Matt Damon and Ben Affleckes

Affleck have secretly been in love this whole time. I'll attach the link below. Points made in the post. One, they shared a bank account for a very long time. I think we've talked about this. Affleck is quoted to say it was like, you're not going to be alone, I'm not going to be alone. Let's go out there and do this together.

And by this, they mean fuck. Yeah, but it's true. When they went out to L.A. to like try to make it in the movies, that was when they did that with the bank account. And they were also probably kissing and stuff. Two, Matt Damon, allegedly always hates the women Affleck dates and there were several news

articles speaking towards Matt Damon disapproving of all of the different women Ben Affleck has had in his life. Even Jennifer Garner? Even Jennifer Garner. He said her tits are upside down and he doesn't like that. And we would love her for it if they were. He said they should be on her ass.

And everyone's like, why? Why do we want ass tits? He's just like, I don't know, Ben. You tell me. You know, he doesn't make any sense. He gets in a manic state. As bongos hands. hanging down like that would be kind of fun. Afflex referred to Matt Damon as his partner several times. That's very loose and broad.

But we all know when someone says their partner nowadays, they mean they'd be fucking. Unless they're asexual and then they're just like cuddling at night and watching like old TV. They're like, let's watch friends. And they're like, ah, it doesn't hold up, you know, and all that good stuff. Four.

What? I love the idea that ACE people only watch friends. Yes, they only watch friends. And decide it doesn't hold up. That's the other thing. Yeah. They watch it, but they don't like it. But they don't enjoy it.

No. Number four, a bunch of cute photos of the two of them looking like a totally adorable couple. So many, if you want to look it up, they're just like, Damon surprised Affleck at like the Golden Globes recently and he was like, oh, like it was very coupley and cute. Damon is also photographed not wearing his wedding ring during a visit to Ben Affleck's house.

Oh, yeah. And there was a picture of them both wearing magic. Puka necklaces in a cute pick as teens. And that leads me to the question, did either of you become the proud owner of a puka necklace when you were a child? Yeah, absolutely. Oh yeah, completely.

Oh, yeah, 100%. Yes, definitely. I bleed red just like everyone else. Yeah. I used to make, I used to like make my own. Oh, yeah. Yeah, well, I used to make my own hemp necklaces. Um, yeah, I had a hemp necklace with Luca.

Oh, hemp with pukas. I had a hemp black necklace with a little lacrosse stick on it. Thank you very much. I was not a, Pooka Shell boy, okay? Wow, you were a lacrosse charm boy. Yes, I was a lacrosse charm boy. Could this explain all the sad bin photos we always see?

Will he never know true happiness because he can't be with the one he truly loves? Why can't he be? Or as the post repeatedly and comedically reminds us, this could mean nothing at all. Do you believe? I think I believe. And thanks for reading. Love the podcast. Love y'all.

And thank you for being in my ears every week for several years. Now, love, love, love, Emily B. Thank you, Emily. Emily, and I do think that you are not only right currently, but I do think that that's why every single relationship will never work for Ben Affleck because he found his love. See, I always... It's forbidden.

I always thought that he was sad because Matt Damon has, like, had a slightly better career than him. You know what I mean? I don't know. Like, I thought it was jealousy. But maybe that's not true. Do you think so? You know what?

Maybe you're right, because anybody can decide to be jealous of anything. but I think an outsider would say, you both done great, you know? God, I also just remember that we didn't really talk about this that much because, like, we talked about the more positive aspects, but also recently Ben Affleck went and went on that roast of Tom Brady and unanimously people feel did the worst of everybody on the dais and, like, kind of bombed.

Really? Yeah, dude. They are cursed, and I think maybe it's like, and maybe it's, they're cursed when they're together. I don't know what's going on, but they're fucking, J-Lo, like, got mad about how, like, cremated her coffee was or something and threw it out the window and it hit a witch, is what I'm guessing. Right before that, and then he went up upset.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I guess that's, I guess that they have had comparably successful careers in terms of making lots of money, starring and. Yeah, they're both worth about, they're both worth about 20 million from each other. Sure. But what is, I don't know anything about self-worth, like, like net worth or anything like that. I mean, I guess I know a little bit about self-worth. But Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, Ben Affleck is reportedly worth $160 million and J-Lo is worth

$500 million. Wow. I was about to say, I was like, when you said $20 million, because I was like, she put $20 million into the movie, right? No, I mean, there's $20 million difference between Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. Oh, okay. In addition to the net worth, we also should consider. how, like just how they are talked about.

And I feel like Matt Damon is revered as a hot, successful, talented, like, complete star, not usually pointed and laughed at. And Ben Affleck is kind of always pointed and laughed at, at least since Argo, even in terms of, like, his professional line, I feel like he's always been just like just a bit of a punchline. And I think it gets to him. And I think that that's maybe why he's so sad. I don't know.

But so that's why I always thought. that he seemed so sad. I thought that there was like a, I was this gifted young boy who did Goodwill hunting and I haven't like lived up to my potential the way my best friend has, even though he has, obviously. I also wonder.

Maybe it's the love. And wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that like, and this is not coming from me, but just on the outside perspective that like Matt Damon has been married to the same person since 2005. And it's not like his like personal drama is never brought into. to the media the way it is with Ben Affleck. Yes, right.

He hasn't been a tabloid figure the way that Ben Affleck has. And that would, and as we were talking about before, it would suck. It's like it would fucking ruin your life to be a tabloid fodder the way that Ben Affleck has been since the early 2000. I can't happen. Absolutely. But he was also married to Jennifer Garner for a while,

but I do feel like it did let up during the Jennifer Garner time period. No, because remember he was fucking the nanny. He talked about that all the time. He was fucking the nanny. He was sad fucking the nanny. We talked about that when they were still. I just love Jennifer Garner so much. I want to take care of her, okay?

Didn't matter. He was licking that nanny's labia. And there was nothing you could do about it. He was looking the nanny. I think that Ben Affleck just kind of, you know, forged his own path as being like a bit more the asshole than Matt Damon. And I think that that has, or not even the asshole,

just like a bit more of a buffoon. I don't know. He seems to have always. be stepping on a rake and hitting himself in the face in a way that Damon hasn't, right? But again, maybe it's the love. Maybe his sadness comes from life. But he kind of fails upwards in the way. Yeah, he makes, he's more

beloved to me than Matt Damon because of his woes and you dunking donuts, like, and all that stuff makes me actually really on his team. Yeah. That's why I can't believe, man. J-Lo really fucking blew it, dude. She, whoa, Jackie's making a almost cum-faced what's going on. Sorry, this is just a night I want to be at. It's just, like, Matt Damon is being spoken about right now in the news because over the weekend, he was in Micanos with Liam Hemsworth

and Chris Hemsworth and a bunch of friends and family, and they went to this big, fun drag show, and then they all went out and all partied with the queens all night long, and there's just a bunch of, like, videos of all of them just like, having a fucking blast in Mekino's. I'm just like, man, That's the fucking party I want to go to. Yeah. I love it. That's fun. I love it.

Well, there you go. On that note, I think we must believe. Yeah, we got to believe. I think it's time for Jackie to scream something. Woo! It's time for the list. Oh, who's on the list? Jackie, got to have that list.

Ah, it's celebrities' favorite foods and hobbies that prove they're much, much richer than we are. Which I don't agree with when the fact that, like, Nick Offerman is the first one on this list where it's like just I know that like having your own woodworking shop is one thing but just because you I know that woodworking is an expensive hobby to get all the stuff for but I don't think you have to only be a rich person to be able to get into woodworking I'm just saying no definitely against that portion of the list or at least you have to be cozy enough unless it's really trying to be making your full on job and trade yeah to have that as a hobby you've got to have some cozy You gotta be, where you're just in the woods.

Sure. But right, it's not like a Fabry Jane. And time. And time. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Honestly, or even like Quentin Tarantino, who collects board games based on old TV shows. Oh, that's cool.

That's really cool, but it's also an expensive hobby. He has a different, like, he's got like, I Dream of Jeannie, the A team, and Dukes of Hazard. So he collects old school. I love board games because it's so tangible. I just, I'm getting so much more into, like, things you can actually hold in your hands. I'm so happy right now I'm collecting one piece manga, right?

And it just feels so good to have it on my shelf. I can touch, but board games are even better because it's got little plastic pieces. It's kind of got everything. It's got all the stuff you want in action figure mixed with,

you know, depending on the games, wherever, you can open it up with all these little things going on in it. Jeff and I have been playing. I'm going to tell you guys about it over on talking TV because we've been playing board games. Uh-oh, you bitch is becoming.

a board game bitch. Hell yeah, I love it. I'm leaning in and I'm trying to not get angry. But I wouldn't be angry at Nicole Kidman for jumping out of a plane. Kidman has her own skydiving license and recommends that every woman does it. I think it's good. Men

shouldn't be allowed to anymore. I say strap them down to the plane. Don't let them jump out the plane. Only the woman does it. Yes, I say women, please continue to jump out of those planes. No. I can't. I just can't handle. I think I'm just at a point in my life where I'm like, I don't need whatever that experience is.

Like, I don't have a lust for whatever that is. I would only do it. I would never do it. I would only do it if it was like real, like, let's say like my brother was like, I, this is so important to me.

This is like, I need you to do this to me for my like 60th birthday or something. You know what I mean? If it was some kind of very important to the person special thing, I would like rise up to the occasion. What about the land? What about it? How do you land?

How do you land? Gideon has skydived twice. I mean, you're attached to a person, so they just do everything for you on your first set. Like, you have to do it in tandem for several. But even my brother, I'll have to ask him again about the story, but like when he did it, like the second or third time he did it, like they pulled the shoot and like it didn't come out

and then had to pull the backup. And I'm like, no, thanks. No, I don't need to die in that air. to die in mid-air. Yeah, that's, like, Gideon did it twice when he was young. And it's so funny because now he's like, I would never do it again. I don't know.

I just did it. My brain just wasn't, like, scared them the way it is now. And I'm so glad I don't have that in me, you know? But think of how many dumb, like, very dangerous things we used to do in our 20s that you think about now. And you're like, I don't know how I survived. And there's no way I would ever do that again. I feel like we've all. went through and did at least, I wasn't jumping out of planes, but I certainly probably was putting

myself in more immediate danger than jumping out of a plane. Maybe this will change in a few years when I have full on onset midlife crisis, but for now, it's the opposite. I go, do you really want to strap on those rollerblades and see if you can still rollerblade in 2024 when like, if you break a bone, it's going to make life suck so hard when it comes like taking care of a two-year-old and like just getting your general shit done. Like I, like now the consequence, back in the day you just got a cool cast, everyone signed it and it was whatever.

But like the consequence now is too great for me to actively choose something that like there's a decent chance I could get injured. Like silly stuff like ice skating or something like that. This is why I'll never use my Simpsons Healy's. Yeah. I bought Simpsons Healy's inspired by Jackie after she bought Natalie the Beavis and Butthead Heelies.

I always always. wanted helies when I was young and now I have them and I tried them on and I was like I will die I can't put these on I need to give them away if you ever think that it's a good idea to buy helies for an adult you should ask that adult if they actually want healies because a lot of adults feel that way MJ yeah yeah and I think that there's a reason why not every adult has a pair of helies even though you can just buy yourself helies whenever you want do you really want to be leaning back on a tiny wheel. It's just so, because you can, like,

land, you could land on your ass doing that at our age and actually, like, regret it for years. For the rest of your life. Yeah, yeah. Like, fuck, ever since I did that, my fucking coxel bone or whatever the fuck is killing me. Yeah. Or you can be like a Leslie

man who does unicycle tricks. I wonder if she still does unicycle tricks. But she said the actor has been a unicyclist ever since she got one of the one-wheeled bikes for Christmas when she was 10. She loves to jump off curbs and cycle backwards. It's another thing that looks very fun. Unicycles have always looked fun to me.

I always was drawn to circusy stuff. I like juggling. I always thought it would be fun to learn how to do trapeze stuff. And unicycle stuff looks really fun. But yeah, I'm not breaking my wrists and then my face. I've had my back go out and had to take care of Winnie with a back out. And it's fucking horrible. I'm just like, I'm good, at least for now.

Maybe when she's a little bit older and it's a little less intense. But yeah, I can't. I just, it's no, no, not going to happen. Honestly, this is even more my speed than a lot of these other things. Paris Hilton is a frog hunter. I see this. The socialite has admitted that one of her favorite pastimes is to grab a bucket and catch some frogs at her various ranches.

That, I'm not saying I want to do it, but I would be more apt to do that than jump out of a plane. Yeah, that's fun. Part of being in the woods, you catch frogs. By the way, special shout-out to Paris Hilden. Glad you brought her up.

Her new album. How long has it been since she dropped something? Infinite icon. I'm really, really excited of this because I feel like she, that album she put out, I think she was looked at as a totally different person back then

and it didn't get it to do, but the people who know, no, there's actually some bops on that album she put out, right? Really? Yeah, so it's really cool. She's putting out infinite icon. Even though the stars are coming.

Even though the stars are blind. That's a good one. I'll show you mine. That's a good one. It is a good one. Stars or blind holds up. So anyways, yeah, it's separately September 6th. And, ooh, Sia is the album's executive producer.

But also Sabrina Carpenter is dropping new music too as well. Very excited about that short and sweet is coming out soon. Yeah, that's really awesome. Still great and great music this year. And Charlie XX's Brat is out this week. Very excited. Hell yes. Jackie, I'm sorry to interrupt your list, but I just saw an article.

Is today June 4th, Alec and Haladia Baldwin announced reality show featuring all seven of their kids called the Baldwin's. It's on TLC. You know what? It's going to suck and we're definitely going to watch it so we can talk about it on Target TV. And it's we're going to watch it. We're going to watch it. But there's going to be a little moments. There's going to be a little Ben Affleck moments that we're going to get to hang on to of like,

Alec in the background. Oh, there's a clip of them introducing it. 2025. Come on. Oh, what? Oh, my God. Okay, I'm not watching it with the sound, but you can see that there is a like a little Instagram clip of them introducing it.

And Alec looks like he's got a gun to his back. The picture makes me want to throw a brick through my phone. Oh, God. Sit up straight. She immediately, the first thing, sit up straight, sit up straight. The picture, the show poster makes me want to throw a brick. my computer screen. This is so obnoxious. I hate everything about this. He looks like his soul is dead in the poster. Yeah. You can see the death in his eyes. Yes. He's just like, uh,

I'm trying to listen for the accent. Yeah, yeah. Is it in there? I don't see the clip. I need to find the clip. We are coming to TLC. It's it. Oh, it's there. Yeah. Oh, the accent is there. God, the audacity, dude. The fucking audacity. Please tell me. Hilaria needs her fucking J-Lo moment right now. J-Lo, maybe she's mean to all the people who work for her and do service things for her. And we know how much we hate that. But Hilaria needs to get it, man. I'm so over this. I hate this.

I can't believe her moment. I mean, her moment has come in the sense that she has a whole subreddit dedicated to that. To hating her. Fakes of Spanish accent. Yeah, yeah. But also to, this is the ultimate, like, thing I think we all collectively hate, using your seven kids as a way to make money. It's just so. Is their only way left to make money?

Yeah, this is, you know, I think so much about the exploitation of, you know, with social media and kids and content and stuff like that. And I'm like getting more and more towards like people should really try hard not to make money off their kids on social media. And to dish to be like, we are literally, they've said in as many words, we're literally doing this because we're desperate and we can't maintain our lifestyle without selling out our kids. That is rough.

It's sad. What do you think Ireland Baldwin, thinks about Hilaria. I know, right. What do you think goes through her head? But also, how do you think Ireland Baldwin feels about her father? I know. I don't know.

Also, a note for the video. Fucking Hilaria, sleeve those things. Those giant things at the end of your legs, sleeve them. Sleave up. Christ, no one wants to see that. Oh, I love that her, oh, just your little piggies get to show off too. And they're all like crinkle, crank. in this weird way because she's like posing.

I hate everything. Back to the list. Sorry. I knew we needed to announce it. No. No. Moments ago. You're right. We needed it. We needed it. Well, because you did that, I'm going to start talking about you behind your back. Wow. Oh. Oh.

Sorry, but I'm mad at you now. That made me mad. Oh my God. Jolo. Jolo. Only live once. Full Jolo on you, okay. Should have known better. Dot, dot, dot. Should have known better.

Yeah, exactly. A love of hate story. That's what it is. That's what it is. That's what it is. That's what it better. Cole it a hate story. A hate story. All right.

Last but not least, David Arquette loves to knit. He loves to knit so much that apparently he was on the cover of something called celebrity scarves to a knitting book that raises money for breast cancer research. That's nice. I thought it was a magazine. I was like there's a magazine sequel. I've never even heard of that. I even just the fact that they made two celebrity scarves books, I'm surprised by. It's odd.

But again, these are people who have so much downtime. Even when they have work, they have hours of downtime. So you have to find these types of hobbies. That knitting on a set would be great because, yeah, you're sitting around. You're sitting around. It doesn't make any sound. You can still talk to people. Yeah, it's not bothering anybody.

And you can give it to the woman. you're cheating on your wife with. You know, at the end of the shoot. Yeah, so there you go. Well, all too well. All right. Well, man, I am having hard time seeing that scarf. You know what?

I think I'm going. Blind. Items. Oh, we can't see them. This first one's just so absurd and that's why I had to include it. I feel like there's no way, but I love the thought of it.

This network morning show personality can't make it through their morning without a bunch of coffee and cocaine. Hoda. No. Oh, I wish it was Hoda. I wanted to be Hoda. It's so bad.

Every story about Hoda is like, I love my child. I would love if she's fueled by cocaine. She's doing rails every day. Lamb and bump after bump. No, but it's... Al Roker. No, but equally is absurd.

Like this, it's just anybody you name is equally as... Kelly Rippa. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Kelly Rit.

No. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. She's so. So tiny. Oh, yeah. She got the body of a cocaine.

Yeah. I feel like if anything, maybe it's not cocaine, but it is some kind of thing that keeps you up that makes you all so not eat. You know what I mean? Something like Adderall or something. You know what I mean? Like something. Yeah. So funny.

I mean, listen, all types of bodies can do cocaine. You're right. There's something going on with her. Something's going on. But yeah. There's just like. Yeah, please. I was very fat while I did a bunch of cocaine in my 20s.

Please. Don't discredit me. I do not want to police anyone's bodies. Comment on other people's bodies at the amount of cocaine you do. It's also her personality, all right? It's mostly her personality. And they talk about all the like, yeah, and then we fuck, and then we've got all these kids and then we fuck.

Yeah, right. They talk it so much about how they're talking. Oh, great, we hate fucked this morning. It was awesome. They're all fucking railed on it. I'm all bruised up from how fucking much we hated each other. Woo! Woo!

We're just like, all right, can you just stop? It's four o'clock in the morning. Riot, riot! She's just like doing swing dances and stuff. Yeah, you're like, this is not the early odds. This former reality star turned social media star turned quote-a-quote singer. Yeah, I went there. Was supposed to do more interviews at this radio network,

but she was so annoying that she ended up going home early. Whoa. She was annoying? She was annoying? She was a new star turned singer. Paris Hilton? Reality star, social media star. And then lately, who's the most?

most annoying person right now. Kim Kardashian. We've been Jojo Siwa. Yes, Jojo Siwa. She recently made an appearance on Sirius XM and Los Angeles on May 29th. That's what they're referring to, I guess. She was supposed to like maybe a whole day of interviews. Oh, God. And they were like, you could actually leave her. Your cut. You're fine. I am in such a TikTok jojo hole. I just keep seeing all these cringe videos and there's so much footage for drunk at Disney for her birthday. It just keeps popping up on my feet. I'm just like, man. she was everywhere and she was talking to everybody. Good on it, but she looks like she's having fun.

I will say it does seem like she like at least talks to everybody and doesn't seem like, which is kind of surprising that like you'd think that like the person that made queer pop music would like definitely have more of like a pretense. No man, this is why I like her and I want her to stay around. She's like the least pretentious person. She has the least like she is just earnest. She is the most earnest famous person I've ever seen. She's just excited to be here.

She's more excited to be here than Northwest was excited to be Simba. She's truly very excited to be here. And we just have to let her flame on. She's having a lot of fun up there. She's had a lot of fun up there. Absolutely. This is like fun. Why, yes, that was the foreign born A-list model slash actress.

going to town with a waitress and a closet at a party they both attended. She's fun. She's like fun bad girl, fun girl. Fun bad. Not the Klaus. No. She's been in bad, she's been in bad movies.

Not the Klaus. No. Not the Klaus. I see Carly Klaus. Not the Klaus. Not the Klaus. She's like, everyone's like, she's like a fun party girl that people like.

And she's been in bad movies. She's been a movie called Paper Towns. Oh, I love Paper Towns. Except it kept giving me all them cuts. Come on, guys. She was in the bad suicide squad. Oh, oh, God. Bella Thorne.

Who? Jackie said Bella Thorne. Not Bella Thorne. Valerian. Bad movie. Oh, I never saw it. Yeah, yeah. She's...

I know that it was like some sci-fi thing. Models are not our strong. I know this is the problem. I had a Natalie Portman one, but it wasn't as interesting. It's just about how she smokes. The Hadid's. No.

The Hadid's are fun. I don't blank about a thing. Care. Care. Kara. Sedgwick. Last name? No, that's Kiera.

Kira. Blank soul. Do you know the group? Blank, blank, blank soul? De La soul? Yeah. Kara. Dela.

This is the last. We don't know this person, is what we're saying. Kara Delevin. Oh, Delavine. Do I know this person? Okay. Yes.

She fucked a waitress. Oh, her. Yes, you do. I know her face. Yeah, she's hot. Yeah. But literally she is the person that every time I see her face.

I'm like, which one is that one? She's in every single time. And she's like in T. Swift's Cabal too, I'm pretty sure. Oh, yeah. You look like a model. She's got very model face. Yeah. Banged a waitress in the closet.

I knew that was a wrist. for you guys, but I wanted to branch out because the other one was like, Natalie Portman's a cigarette smoker, but she hides it really well. Until recently, she's been spotted. Except, yeah, there was that picture of her smoking a cigarette with like somebody else. Not that long ago. Oh, yeah, with Mr. Sex, Paul Mescal, yes. And they're laughing and having a great time.

She just got divorced, so she is feeling. Oh, I know. And then I saw the picture and then I dreamed a dream that they did kiss. I know a different person. but you know and hathaway natalie portman i'm throwing it out there they're the fucking same i said it you heard it here first they're the same in terms of like they're in terms of their like quality um yeah okay i'll allow it and i'm not saying it in a bad way yeah i didn't know that i felt this way but you know sometimes these things just kind of pop out and you're like oh i didn't know i had an opinion

uh apparently that's my opinion and i see natalie portman and hathaway in the same place that's that's fine and you know what Holden, I think that you brought up Kara Delavine because she's good friends with Tay. Yep, yep. And she's in the news all about how friendly they are. Well, and she's fun, right? Isn't she like kind of a wackadoo?

Wait, is she the one who's house burned down or was that someone else? But anyways, she's kind of got like fun party stories and stuff. So I like her. Love it. And she's pretty, whatever. Whatever, we're done. I can see.

Welcome back. And Natalie Porman smoked cigarettes. Good for her. We know two models and they are in Chi Chi-Chi and Bella Haddee. I will remember that next time. I'll remember that next time. I said the claws. Yes, and Carly Claus.

Even though I said Clouse at first, it's fine. I know a lot about models. Don't worry about me. Don't worry about me. But you can come back next week and listen to us for page seven. My name is Jackie Zabrowski. Thank you guys so much for hanging out with us a ponce this day. And you can come hang out with me over on my Instagram at Jack That Worm if you would like.

but also come hang out with MJ and I on Wednesdays over on Twitch.com. Oh, no, it's Jackie. And I think we are, oh, we've got Natalie's turning. We need to get her a bigger vampire family. And we need to start seeing if Amber's twins, the twins Grimithae, if they are going to end up having any of the powers of the Grim Reaper, because Amber had twins with the Grim Reaper. So we have to find out, come join us on Wednesdays.

Grimothy Gunthony. Hell yeah, dude. They're both named Grimothy Guntany because Jackie didn't realize it was two babies. I thought it was all one baby. I didn't know there was two babies. Brothers Grimithae. Patreon.com forward slash page seven podcast weekly bonus episodes. We do the leftovers.

We have articles we haven't talked about yet. And we're going to talk about it in the leftovers. So catch us over there. Patreon.com, 4 slash page seven podcast plus Jackie's book readings, plus add free episodes in the main. feed and for $10 a month, you get those Buffy watch longs. We are cruising through season two, so good time to join. We have so much weekend to watch.

I will also say, while we're talking about the Patreon, soon I'm going to be finishing up with the soul to keep, and I am going to be moving on to a new book. I believe I've already found the book I want to do. Okay. I was going to put it up for a poll, but I don't think I can because I was told about this book called Descent. by the gargoyles, a love bathhouse monster story. And it is a, they are, it's like, if you were turned on by the old show,

gargoyles, I think you remember the ones. Oh, yeah. I think it probably had a lot to do with why I am a monster fucker. Steven Spielberg presents, yeah. I think I have to read Deceived by the Gargoyles. So I don't think I'm going to put it up to a poll. So that will be starting. soon whenever a soul to keep ends.

All right, there you go. Also, Twitch.tv.tv.4 slash Holdenatres Ho. And the real reason for the season is Friday. Jack and I do Jacket with the Holdies, and it's always a party. I mean, at this point, we go four or five hours every week. It's crazy over there. So come check us out. And the Monday watch long, I think also I should mention.

We're watching Trash Reality. Rock of Love season three is doing great. MJ. I'm going to wait for talking TV to ask you about how Brett Michaels hit on you at one point. I was told by a couple little birds. that you mentioned that during the Sim stream, and I am fucking dying to know. How did you not tell me about this? I know.

I can't believe it hasn't come up. We'll talk about that, but Twitch.com. And page 7 podcast at gmail.com. Please send in your conspiracy theories. I love it, love, love, love, I love them. Page 7 podcast at gmail.com. MJ!

Thank you to everyone who emailed in to tell us that middle class in British means upper class. Upper class. Thank you for those emails. We appreciate all your emails. And also I want to thank you for letting us know and not in a, you shitty, dumb fuck Americans. Yes.

And I appreciate that. Thank you for being nice to us when we make mistakes. How is middle class, upper class? Is there one above middle class or is it just middle classes? I don't know. How is it crisp a chip, you know, it's all. I don't know. It's all.

How do you say mid? Like, how does the word mid involved in not be, in being very rich? I think because they have such a high upper class, right? You know, because there's a whole extra upper class over there. because of the royalties, that's my guess. Hell yeah. But anyway, I am MJ and I'm MJ K L Kat on Instagram. All right.

There you go. All right, time for the shout-out song. Shout, shout, let it all out. These are the emails that you wrote it about. Come on, read them to you. Come on. Thank you all for sending in your shout-outs. I love you all so much.

and you can send in your own shoutouts to page 7 podcast at gmail.com. That's page 7podcast at gmail.com. Send in whatever you'd like. If you've just got a hi, hello for us, if you've got a list, if you've got a celebrity conspiracy theory, or hell, if you're just trying to say hi to your girl, Jackie, because it's me. Why am I still singing? I don't know.

I think the shout-out song just gets me going, y'all. but does it get me going as much as Mike gets me going? I'm sorry, that's very forward, and that's not what I meant. Mike's the first shout out up. Mike, what have you got to say? And oh, it's wonderful. Mike says, not 110% sure you'll see this, but thought it might be worth a try either way.

It's right in front of my eyes, Mike. To start, I owe you a massive, massive thank you. As with everyone else, COVID was a weird time, but you and Holden gave us something to look forward to every Friday night. I would mask up, walk over to get a case of white claws after work, and rush back to get on Zoom, send the link to my two best friends, and get the screen share ready for the stream at 6. I love this to join you in Holden for countless slammers. By the time Bustin came on around 9 p.m., we were very nicely shit-faced, and despite the Saturday morning hangovers,

you gave us something to look forward to each week during a mostly miserable time. It was Steph, hi, Steph, me, on Twitch, who got her husband, my best, friend Chris and I onto the stream and got me hooked on page seven, and I've been listening ever since, which leads me to my ask. It's her birthday on June 21st, 2024, and I think she would lose it if she heard a shout out while listening to an episode during her mat leave. Oh my God! She recently gave birth to their beautiful daughter Hannah-Ray Moberg on April 2nd, and I couldn't be more proud to see her as a mother. After 25 plus years of friendship, being long distance for years when living in Toronto, she's been a sister to me, whether close or far, and I'm honored to have someone as amazing as her in my life. I'm dying, Mike.

She's funny, caring, smart, effortlessly cool, and just feels good to have around. Working in health care during COVID was far from a great experience for her, but she never let the shitty days get to her and treated her patient. with the same care and attention as her friends and family. And despite how bad a week was, we always had you, Holden, and too many white claws as the light at the end of the week. Seeing her get bigger and bigger during her pregnancy was surreal,

but she absolutely glowed, and motherhood couldn't suit her any better. I can't wait to watch their daughter grow up alongside my newborn son, and quickly realize how lucky she is to have such incredible, and caring parents. Happy birthday, Mama. I love you, Chris, Carl, their dog,

and Hannan with all my heart. I apologize, I think I said Hannah earlier, Hanon. And now I'm realizing this is a tad long. Hell, no, it wasn't. So hoping if you see it,

it's not too painful to get through. Mike, I'm sending you so much love because I didn't hear any shoutouts for Mike. And I'm sending a shout-out to you, Mike, for sending in the shout-out

to what a beautiful shout-out this was. And I just want to say thank you for sharing your respect. for this person. I think I just fell in love with Steph Matt all over again. Yeah, I said it all over again because it already happened. Because I love our Twitch community and you should come hang out with us on Fridays over on Jack and with the Holdies because I swear,

not only do we have the most attractive Twitch community, but also the most supportive and just like good-natured people. Every Friday, I'm blown away by how amazing our fan base is. and I just want to say thank you for always showing up and thank you, Mike, for coming out even when it was hard. I appreciate you joining us. Love you guys so much. Our next shoutout goes out to Angel.

Angel says, I love listening to you all. And each week I hear the shoutouts, and I realize something. I'm not sure how often you three are given a shout-out. So my shout-out, screaming from the rooftops, is for Jackie M.J. Holden, and it only feels right to also add Taylor Swift in there. I am a therapist, and of course, while I love the work I do, I can become frustrated with the world and struggles that my clients are having to face. I want nothing more than to be able to take that away, but unfortunately, as I tell my clients, I do not have true magical powers.

You all provide so much joy and positivity into my life. Your podcast allows me to step away, from all the hard things and just have a good laugh. I also love feeling a part of this wonderful and fun community, yes. It feels so nice to have inside jokes with you all, knowing all the phrases from the show like, I think I'm going blind items. Oh, we can't see them. I truly just want to shout you all out

for how much you've provided to my life. So shout out to you all and thank you. And thank you, Angel, for also, I mean, I know this part is not for the show, but I just want to say thank you for having a master's in social work and doing, I mean, the Lord's work out there. I just want to say thank you for being you and bringing your skills to a community that desperately needs you. So much love goes out to you, Angel. Thank you so much. You're so sweet.

Thank you for writing it a shout out to us. I really appreciate that. And it made my heart swell. And not in like a crazy, oh, I've got to go to the doctor way, like only in the good ways. So much love to you, Angel. Thank you so much. And last but not least, now this is not a shout-out, but I am going to read it because technically,

M-E-G, I did ask you to do this. To be fair, it was drunk, and I was, it was a late night on Friday. But I appreciate the fact that you went out of your way because M-E-G, now you'll hear me talk about it over on talking TV, but I went to go see in a violent nature over the weekend, and I was very excited to go see it. So M-E-G went to go see it before me, and I was like, tell me if,

if you liked it or not. And so this is a spoiler-free review for anyone that is wondering if maybe in a violent nature might be for them. Emmy says, I highly recommend going into this movie with little to no expectations

or information about it to fully experience it and take it in for what it is. It was definitely in the top three better horror movies I've seen in a while. Other two were talked to me in the first terror fire.

I felt the shots and sound in this movie were impeccably done. Although some of the dialogue was a bit low, I believe on purpose. So as someone who is a bit hard of hearing, I was a bit frustrated in some parts. So I plan to watch it again once it's on streaming

so that I can watch with closed captions. I hear you, M-E-G! In a violent nature, in my opinion, was a refreshing take on a horror movie that we the horror movie fans have been screaming for. I feel it important to mention that this horror movie is not for the faint of heart. I saw this movie late at night,

high as balls, and in a practically empty theater with me in one couple. If you choose to partake in substances before seeing this movie, I'll say this. I'm glad I didn't get any food for it or it may have ended poorly. Thankfully, the couple was amazing

and was cringing and chuckling out loud with me at all the appropriate parts. And thank you so much for the little shout out to me as well and for the love you sent towards MJ and Holden. Thank you so much, Emmy. This was a beautiful, and as someone that has now seen the movie, I completely wholeheartedly concur.

And I'm with you on the fact that, oh, baby, do I need those close captions? And I'm excited to see it again. And I just want to say thank you for your time. And I want to say thank you to everybody who is listening's time right now for hanging out with us every week and for lending an ear and just for being a part of this amazing community. I'm sending so much love into your ears, into your eyes, into your mouth, if you can send. And I hope that you enjoy it. Love you guys so much, and we will be back next week. Bye, everybody.

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