Page 7 - Ep. 552: Moo Deng, I Love You

Episode Date: September 26, 2024

This week Jackie, MJ and Holden the Unfeeling are talkin' Moo Deng, Oliva Nuzzi gettin' saucy over text with the worm colony that currently inhabits what's left of RFK Jr., and his wormbride Cheryl Hines is making candles and sellin' them at an L.A. farmers market, Bug Hall takes time away from huffing duster to scutter out from obscurity to vomit sexism against his own daughters on twitter, Ina Garten reveals there was a time when she left the Lord of Fire Island, Jeffrey, to like four or five peoples dismay, Martha Stewart does NOT like that Netflix spent so much time on her trial and prison sentence, Eric Roberts publicly apologizes for talkin' weird shit about his sister and family, and in Celeb Conspiracy Corner: Is Trump A Massive Swiftie!?!? A List filled with celeb name change backstories, the Blindz, Shouts and MOOOOOORE! Want even more Page 7? Support us on Patreon! Patreon.com/Page7Podcast  Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

I was just singing a little song about how much I love Moodang. And I was going, Moodang, I love you. I love you little hippo. Moodang, I love you. I want to kiss you on your snout. And of course, Holden was like, of course you love Moudang. And I knew Holden. I was going to start.

I wasn't even going to start. I was going to start singing Eternal Flame because that's been trapped in my head. But I'm so just out the gate already angry with you that you don't give Mood the respect that that pigmy hippo deserves. And also, Holden. Close your eyes. Give me your hand.

Okay. Darling. All right. Do you feel my heart beating? Do you understand? Do you feel or have all that dreaming? And is this burning and flame? And that goes out to Moudang.

It doesn't go out to you, Holden. You don't deserve it. the song, Holden, you don't deserve my passion for a pigmy hippo. All right. May I say my piece. Okay, yes. I didn't say it.

Let's hear it. A piece about the baby hippo that everybody loves. Okay, go ahead. I said it's dumb, okay? Or I think it's dumb, okay? And let me revise, all right, to assuage your anger, okay? And that's, the way I remembered that word and vocabulary in fifth grade was sewage comes out of the ass.

Wow, makes sense. Because that's all that comes out of your brain. It's sewage. No, you know what? It doesn't, for some reason, it's not moving me in the way that it seems to be moving so many people. Surprise. But let me- Everybody.

Holden feels no warm feelings about the thing that everybody feels warm feelings about. Well, let me say two things right now, okay? First of all, but that's fine. Because people need a Moudang in their lives right now with everything going on, with the election, and everything else in the world and the fires and the mini-astroids seem to be encountering the deaths. Yeah, there's a lot.

There's a couple of things going on out there. Yeah, I think Bezos and Elon are working on like a death ray laser because they don't like Mars anymore. They're mad at Mars now and they want to destroy it. Yeah, but what if you can ride the laser like it's a slide and you can ride it all the way to Las Vegas? And then you're like, well, if it's a death ray

that takes me all the way to Las Vegas, I'm kind of fine with it. What a way to go. Yeah, but then someone's like, hey, sniff this powder and you do, and there's fentanyl in it. And then you're fucking dead, Jackie. Don't, don't do that. No, enjoy that. Look at the baby hippo. It's tinier than the other hippos.

Now, here's you, MJ, and that's what we should be focused on right now. It's tinier than the other hippos. I'm also starting to feel a sense of deep empathy for Moudang because I don't think I love the 24-hour surveillance plan for Moudang. Maybe Moudang needs a little time to relax and not be in the fucking eye of the world all the time, even though

the world, this is such a classic Catch 22, the world needs Moodang and this time, I get it. They need it. It's helping them to not face the horrors you know, all around. Yeah, because if I'm not looking at a picture of a pygmy hippo, I am just

staring at the ceiling going the horrors come out. Yeah, I mean, liberals are executing post-term babies. They need a tiny hippo to look at. You know what you mean? In order to forget about all that. Closure, yeah. Yeah.

And but at the same time, but Mudang isn't ours. Mudang is mudang's. Okay? And Mudang needs some time for Mudang. Holden is, I don't want to say it, Jackie, but he is making a good point about Mudang. I, listen, what about Fiona? the hippo everyone was previously obsessed with.

Nobody cares about Fiona anymore because she's not a small hippo. She's a regular hippo. Fuck Fiona, right? So I understand that we need a new little hippo to look at every few months because we're all so sad and it's the best we can get is a new hippo. And I'm happy for Mudang. But I think Holden makes a point about the live stream. People are throwing stuff at Mudang.

Protect Mudang. Not protect Mudang. I want Mutang to, I want Mudang to be Mudang. Okay. It's not the people's Moudang. Okay, right now they're treating it like it's the people's Moodang. Okay. I just feel like you're thinking that this puts her in a box, but she's literally in a cage.

It busts open the box, okay? I think it's beautiful. And I feel like you're telling Moudang that she can't be a star. And I dare say that she's got the star power. Obviously, she's only a couple of months old and she's taken the world by storm. Did Tanka teach him nothing? This coming. from a person who thinks it's fun to paint dogs and put them in a cage and trick people to

thinking their panda bears. This coming from the same person. Interesting, Exhibit B. Interesting, Jackie. It's evil. I never said the word fun. I did think it is. I think it's, you know, an interesting way to go about procuring some pandas.

Zoo in China reveals its pandas are painted dogs, claims there's still a top attraction. They are a couple of challenges. chowls that they are painted to look like, I'm going to assume that paint is borderline, not toxic. You know what I mean? They bark. It's definitely non-ta. Oh, yeah.

They use kids paint, hopefully. Yeah, it's tempera paint. Yeah, this is how Jackie introduced this story to us. Speaking of zoos, all caps, a lot of caps in Jackie's ebos, you might guess if you've ever seen her Instagram. Speaking of zoos, you might say this isn't celebrity news, but I say, how do we not talk about painted dogs being passed off as pandas. Thank you.

And it is, yeah, so she didn't say fun. Fact check. She did not say fun. Thank you for the fact check. Thank you. We need a, we need a moderator on this show. Oh, I'll be the moderator. Well, fact check this, by the way.

Fiona the hippo is currently an animal prison for stealing a flat screen TV for heroin money. And that's where Rube is headed, okay? One day more. That's why. That's why. That's why. That's why. Until revolution.

We will nip it in the bun. Sometimes a hippo needs some candlestick. Because it's the stolen candlesticks. Thank you, MJ gets me. Holden you're, I'm putting you in Hippo. You have to make a choice today. It's me or her. I'm both sidesing, man.

I'm Chapo Road over here. I'm watching it happen right now. I'm watching it happen right now. Both sides aren't bad. Both sides are good. Jackie's good. Holden's good. Just because a worm made part of my brain doesn't mean you have to take her side all the time.

Yeah, but I'm also the one. wrapping whales to the top of my car. So I don't know. We're a little bit of both the RFK in the situation. Oh, I wish we could talk about the political reporter sexting RFK Jr. But that's for my old podcast. It doesn't exist anymore. You imagine wanting to.

Well, his wife's what's her name, though, from a, uh, of corporate enthusiasm? Cheryl Hines. What I really want to talk about is. There's a celebrity. We can talk about it technically. There's a celebrity involved. The husband who is married to the person who sent the ex-fiance who was the partner of the person who sent the nudes. Olivia Nuzzi is the one who sent the nudes.

I just want to imagine, who's also a political reporter, I just want to imagine him. Imagine finding your partner's phone that your partner has texted nudes to R.FK Jr. That is the moment I want to see the facial reaction. At least. My partner is sending nudes to RFK Jr. I mean, that way, no, it's not you. know what I mean? Like, it's like, oh, well, then you obviously, like, I don't know. I don't want to be with you and I can't believe this is something that you need. I mean, I can't meet your needs.

This relationship is over. That would never happen to me because I'm so anti-looking it at my wife's phone at all. I mean, I would have to have some serious fucking paranoia. What if a little birdie came to you and whispered. RFC! No! Lex. I'd be like, it's a demon bird that grabbed the bird and smashed against the wall as fast. They could have a fucking bird whispering at my ear? That was a mistake because now Lexi's sending more nudes to RFK Jr.

Oh my God. As she should. I will say I dare I say poor Cheryl Hines? No, I mean she knows what she barked up. That candor she barked up. No one is sympathetic in this story

which is why it's a great story. I know. You didn't marry the next president. You married a painted dog. What I don't understand is Cheryl Heinz is now selling her own scented candles and not like pussy scented candles.

Not pussy. Just regular scented candles. And she was at the farmer's market that we all like to go to. And she was selling said candles. Really? The market. Yeah. But then I love the farmer's market.

Dudes that were just talking at her about RFK as I walked by. And I was just like, why would you open yourself up to this? Why would you just. That's who Cheryl Heinz is. Yes. hilarious wife? Yes. Yes.

Is that crazy? That is crazy. This is crazy. Yes. Everything about this story is crazy. Yes! I know they're painting the dogs to look like pandas. They're painted dogs of our political situation currently.

It's incredible. It is. It is. The dogs are painted like pandas and Larry's wife from Curb is married to RFK who got sex from a political reporter who was married to another political reporter. And their engagement is over as it should be. Anyway, Moodang. Moodang. A little tiny.

Talk about the pigmy hippo. Special tiny hippo. That is why I needed to start with Moodang, all right? We need to praise this little hippo, and yeah, maybe we don't need a 24-hour news cycle of Moodang, but I'd rather that than like having to listen to like a Fox News. So if it's Moodang 24-hour live stream for old Jackie, then I know those are your only options, guys. Fox News or a 24-hour live stream of a Pigny Hippo choose one. and I know it's what I choose.

Oh, yeah. I mean, there's no question the world would be, as much as Holden did make some points, I would say there's no question that the world would be a better place if the only thing that we could watch was a 24-hour live stream of a little tiny hippo if the only other option is.

I don't love that this hippo has to be on all the time. I feel like that's what's going on with the Jersey Shore crew right now. They're just the relentless seasons that they have to put out. There's only one comment at the bottom of this people article, by the way, from Rebecca, says, such a sweet baby. I can't believe people are so ignorant. They throw stuff at her when she's asleep.

She'll have to be behind clear walls soon. She's just like the Pope. I think it is horrific. Could you imagine throwing anything at this little baby hippo? But this is why you shouldn't be, this is why I was just saying before we started recording that my most unpopular and least, realistic opinion is that children shouldn't be actors unless we're talking about community theater and and I think that maybe animals shouldn't be famous. I'm sorry. We love, we all love cute little actors, but I, after I saw the actor from Alfalfa is a psychotic, Catholic,

like patriarchal, he had a series of absolutely insane tweets in which he said that he finally has an air upon having a child. Where did this come from? No, because there were was this story in the news cycle. So I didn't want to just pinpoint MJ into a hole of little rascals of their own making. But MJ did it to themselves because his name is Bug Hall. Bug Hall played alfalfa in the 1995, 1997 movie Little Rascals. I was like, how this guy's still alive? Okay.

No, no, the original alfalfa was killed in a knife fight. That's right. Yes, he was killed in a knife fight. Yeah, but this one just has four dishwasher daughters because that's all they're good for, but he finally has had an air. And wow, what a wonderful person to celebrate. He had a son, and his tweets were going viral because he's like, I finally have an air. After four daughters, I finally have an air.

And people were like, what about your four daughters? And he said, I said an air, not a dishwasher. And so he's just like a horrible man. But these tweets were going viral, and I thought it was just like, oh, some bad dad's tweets are going. viral and then I realize this alfalfa from the little rascals and this is why children shouldn't be famous. I think that that scene where they made him run around in his underwear or whatever happened in that movie, I know because I've seen it twice in the last year because my kids liked it, but I think that you shouldn't make children famous and I think that you shouldn't

make hippos famous. And unfortunately, coming from the rascal nadir themselves. I know, I know. I, yes. Well, all of them died. Okay. The curse of the rancers. I know. I know that. I know They all died horrible tragic deaths. And so I think that the little rascals were trying to tell us a long time ago that you shouldn't make children famous. And yeah, if you want to look up what a very weird Catholic. God, this guy is in sufferable. Yeah, dude. He just went full dickhead.

Yeah, full. All of his replies are so assy. Could you imagine being such a dickhead on social media? Calling your four daughters dishwashers in public in writing? You think that's bad, but it just keeps going. He, like, responds to, like, a lot of the people's. like pissed off tweets at it. Oh, he's got time. He says he hasn't been

working since he was alfalfa. He keeps calling everybody curmudgins and stuff. Oh, but what? Oh, was he arrested for huffing air duster cans? Is that true? Well, he was walking on sunshine. I'm sorry, it always makes me think of the walking on sunshine.

You know what I'm talking about. Is that my strange addiction? Yes, my strange addiction, I think, or something like that. But there's a YouTube cut where they play the song Walking on Sunshine. All right. Yeah, yeah, she's hot for the dust. You know what? It's insensitive.

It's very tragic. It's from an era of YouTube that no longer exists, but you know what? It still makes me laugh, and I'm not going to apologize for that, okay? I'm sorry. All right. Hello, Ed Larson and Amber Nelson from the brighter side here to check in with you. See how you're doing. Is your day more disappointing than a gas station sandwich?

Are you trying to put one foot in front of the other in a glue factory? Did you try to throw your air fryer in the bathtub? but nothing happened because you were too lazy to plug it in first. Then the Brighter Side podcast is for you. Oh yeah! Each week we take nasty, dooky, stupid, dumb. Stinky, no good, do-do factory. Boo.

Caca-like topics and try to find the brighter side. Hey, Amber, what's the brighter side of waking up chain to a bed in Russia? Um, at least they have free health care. That's right. So start your week. Weekend off right every Friday with the brighter side on the last podcast network. You beautiful babies. That was a man, I was obsessed with that damn show, my strange addiction.

I just, man, so many things. And I know that it is probably not done in ways that are helping anyone. And it is probably more so just to like, be like, look at this bitch. She eats hair. What? She eats hair. and I was some man just trapped in it for a really long time. I know I wasn't alone.

I know I feel alone right now. I'm sure. You're alone because neither Holden or I are yes-ending you, but it's because I never watched it. But I don't think you're a bad person. No, I yeah. No, I watched. I definitely watched some of it.

Specifically when I was working that factory job where they had no air conditioning and all and I was like losing my mind. I remember watching a bunch of that show. and it just weirdly worked well. Was this a Dululu? At some point in your past? When did you work in a factory? I was in the Brooklyn Naval Yards.

I talked about this like on round table of gentlemen. I was in the Brooklyn Naval Yards. It was like I was tipping, tipping, tipping. Then one day they just put me in a fact of giant warehouse. And I was scanning in clothes for guilt group. I talked about this.

This was back, this was during our crazy single days. So I remember it was a really long walk to the subway. And I would just talk to. And you would just tell me about your, yeah, you would just tell me about your like, Kupid Conquest and I would like kill my 15 to 20 minute walk or whatever it was. I think even more than

that to get just to the train to get me home. And there was yeah, there was no air conditioning. It was through the summer and I was so miserable. Builds character. That is like a Calvin and Hobbs script just like to a team. Working in a factory. It was so I was like how did I fucking get here? This is insane. And I kept begging the temp people being like, please put me on a different job. I'm not meant for a factory. I'm here to intershitting spreadsheets. Look at my hands. I mean, I know it's like very privileged, but I was like the whole point of me getting this kind of work is to have to work in air condition like at a desk.

You just want that nine to five sweet office life. I was just talking about this the other day. Just even just the idea of I've never sat in an office. I've never had an office job. Oh my God. Me neither. I barely know how to open up an MS Word document. It's called an MS Word document.

We are a deeply unemployable people, Jackie. It's bad. I don't know. Like someone was trying to organize something with an Excel sheet. And it was someone that's very, I love the people in my life. Oh, the beautiful Virgoes in my life that love Excel spreadsheets. And then they get so upset with me if I try to add something or do something in the Excel spreadsheet. Because I'm like, add, I need to write here.

I'm just going to write in this Xbox. or whatever it says down here and apparently that screws up the formulas. And I'm like, it's a formula. What are you talking about? Xbox, are you playing a video game console I'm thinking that you're working at an office job? I don't know.

I don't know anything about what happens on the computer. All I do know is that... You're just playing a video game and you think you're doing data entry. You're like, yeah, I got to the third level. Third level, yeah. And Tomb Raider was there? What's everybody complaining about?

Why don't people like to do this word? Tomb Raider was great. You're playing GTA and you're not a lot. even doing very good. Yeah, you keep dying. Woo! I love driving a car. No, I was going to talk about, man, Henry only calls me for professional things. Usually if he calls me in the middle of the day, I'm like, this is about to be a professional

conversation. I put on, I take off my sister hat, which is a lot of pom-poms on it. And then I put on my professional hat, which is a lot of burrs on it, not of the bill variety. So I went to answer the phone, and Henry's like, did you see? see that Ina Garten left Jeffrey. I almost called you too. For a period of time.

Okay, the headline was misleading. What are you talking about? The headline is misleading. It makes it sound like they're separated now. That's the way he brought it up. I was like, what are you talking about sweet Jeffrey? She left sweet Jeffrey. Jeffrey who loves his chicken.

Jeffrey who loves to hang out with his boys on Fire Island on the weekends. And we are actually talking about Ina Garten. Yes, the barefoot content. that most people don't care about, except for MJ and I and also Henry. And sorry, Holden, I know you're not a barefoot. Yeah, what do you mean? No, I don't care.

I don't care at all. But he tried to make her a trad wife. Yes, that isn't going to happen. But what's insane is that so, all right, the whole thing is that so for those of you that might care, Einergarten has a memoir that just dropped. And she was talking about a point in time when she was starting barefoot contests.

You got to remember, though, She had dropped out, and I forget exactly what it is because I am that not bright of a human being, like some sort of space engineer. She worked at the White House. Yes. Yes. She worked. This is the craziest thing about Eindigarten is that she, like, knew the nuclear codes. Wow.

She, like, had a high-powered political career in the White House in the early 1970s. And then was like, I'm going to extremely Eynagartan moved to just be like, I'm going to give it all up and go. sell artisanal jams in the Hamptons. And that's when she became a career woman, paradoxically. Yeah, so she and Jeffrey met when they were like both like White House. Working in the White House. White House people. And then this story, I'm sorry, I don't know that people might not be interested in this.

I think this is a fascinating story. I know. She goes out to the Hamptons, starts her store of the Bearfoot Contessa, which is yes, an annoying name. Bad name. So annoying. It's just such a bad name. I hate it.

I don't want to think about being, I don't like barefoot. I don't like, I'm a sock kind of gal. Like I just, I don't know. She's not a Contessa. It's confusing. But she started this store where I'm sure that all the olives cost $20, you know, and that's what she did. She had to work late.

And she was a career woman at Perfetka, and apparently Jeffrey couldn't handle it, which is so interesting to me because her entire show, Fairfoot contestant is basically like, Jeffrey and he's chicken. I am a home. I am a lady at home cooking dinner. Literally cooking dinner for my husband is basically the show.

Also a lot for her friends. He's not around much. We talk about that a lot. He does go to Fire Island a lot. He's not home. With his boys a lot. And I do dare say that in this stint where Jeffrey was like, I expected you to have dinner on the table every day when I got home,

which how was she doing that when she was working in Washington? and I have no idea. Exactly. But maybe he just assumed that's what it was going to be when she decided to like take a different life path. Yeah. But I was just so surprised, but that's got to be when he started going to Fire Island with his boys.

Well, for people who haven't been listening to page seven for a long time, the joke about Jeffrey is that even though Ina and Jeffrey have been married for a very long time and she makes him chicken every Friday when he comes home, okay, He's there most of the week, and then he comes home on Fridays and he loves chicken, so she makes him a chicken every Friday. But the joke that we have certainly been a part of for the last decade here on page seven is that Jeffrey loves men. And Anah Garten loves men who love men because most of the people she has over to her house are her Fire Island friends. Fun old queens.

And so it is, it just, it makes a lot of sense. I feel like it really works for the two of them. and I don't even say it in a way where it's like it's disparaging about their relationship. I think it's wonderful that he's got his boys on Fire Island on the weekends. He comes home, he eats his chicken. Yeah.

And then he goes and he says to him. If you're not going to be the trad wife, I'll be the trad wife. And I think it's wonderful, sure. Yes. But then also, Jeffrey, you make the chicken every once in a fucking wild. Yeah, you can make the fucking chicken, for sure, dude.

Yeah, well, he apparently was a real old school prick about it and to the extent, I can't wait to read this. I have to read it. Must, must, must, must read it. I will have read it. Let's see, it comes out October 1st. So will I have read it? Oh, that's next Tuesday when we record. So I probably won't have read it by next week. The problem is, look at the cover of this book. It is the most boring Ina Garten cover of a book I've ever seen. It's just her with a cup of coffee. And it's just Ina Garten, a memoir. Be ready when the luck happens. Oh. Why do we love Ina Garten? It's so. It's so. It's so. It's so. She's so boring.

She's so against everything that I just am obsessed with her energy. I know. Because everything is just down here. Yes. And I've never lived a life down here. It's because she has probably, she had the nuclear codes. Like, she has bodies.

Insane. In the basement. And not even in a like, I don't, I just, yes, she's so boring. It's like she contains so many multitudes.

She's so boring. And yet, I think if I needed to bury a body, I would want to call her. You know what I mean? Her title, book title is so boring. I have a question for you guys, okay? You have to execute one via public explosion.

Ina Garden or Moudang. One of them is going to blow up in front of everybody, kids, parents, everybody. I feel like that's not fair because Moodang is on the endangered speech. Sure. Yeah, we'll celebrate. That really adds a lot. I feel like, but I feel like sometimes why don't we ever celebrate that we accomplished, like, getting rid of a whole ass animal? You know what I mean?

You're horrible. I thought you were going to bring in Martha Stewart to this because I think that she is often held up as kind of the counter to Ina Garten because Ina Garten, you know, soothing, calm, boring, yet somehow really dynamic and I can't stop watching her. And then Martha Stewart, boring in a different way, yet also like. Boring in a different way. Oh, the spectrums of boring that we enjoy. Boring and compelling. Yeah, boring and compelling in different ways. And apparently they have shit, they have beef together too, which we also learned from Ida's memory.

Whoa, they have beef. Not except kind of, except not. Okay. It's a very interesting read. And again, can't wait for the memoir to actually drop because Martha Stewart is just straight up like, I remember the barefoot contessa. I used to go to a shop out on the Hamptons. And she didn't like, and so like they, even though you know it was contentious, They were friends for a really long time.

But apparently, word on the street is Martha Stewart said that Ina kind of dropped her ass when she got sent to prison. And embezzlement. I have the quote. I have the quote. It is the most Martha Stewart way to talk about her going to prison also. When I was sent off to Elderson prison, she stopped talking to me. I found that extremely distressing and extremely unfriendly. And you know what?

She's right. You shouldn't stop her to someone just because they got sent to prison. But I just think it is so funny that she's like, when I got sent off to Elderson prison, it's like she's talking about when I went to Nantuck in 1998, I had just painted my house. You know, but she's like, when I got sent off to Alderson prison, barefoot contests stopped speaking to me. Extremely distressing and extremely unfriendly is how she described it. And then later on in the article, she's like, no, we're good.

We're friends. It's fine. We're all good. But the other funny piece of Martha news that Jackie included is that she's mad at her own documentary on Netflix. She talked shit about it openly, which is like bombing Netflix out. But it's because they like spent time in the third act of the film, like talking about her whole trial and being sent a prison. She just keeps trying to like make that not. She literally calls her like, I can't believe they spent all that time of that boring old trial.

It's like the fact that you went to prison is just, I'm sorry, dude. It makes you so much more interesting. And that's just such a chapter of your life that is just undeniably fascinating and crazy. You're a fucking like old school lifestyle influencer. You're like miss like perfect doilies and, you know, ribbons and stuff. And then you went to prison, bro. It's crazy. My favorite part about this story is that she.

not only was talking shit about Martha, which is the documentary that Netflix is dropping, but she was talking shit right outside of it, right after watching it, after Netflix had like flown her there in a PJ and she left early on Netflix's PJ back to where she came from because she was so pit that she comes out. Immediately was like, I'm upset. I'm upset about all this. Like, fuck this movie. Don't watch this movie.

We're going to make another one. not going to be about this as much, and then gets on their PJ and flies away. And that's so... Which is insane, by the way. It's so funny, though. I guess some yokel at Netflix, like, just offhanded was like, maybe we'll do a different one if you like, didn't like this one. And then she's like, yeah, so I'm already in talks about making other, like, I highly

doubt that's going to have a bar that they're not going to make a whole other documentary about you because you don't like this one. And also, sorry, dude, I know you keep trying to downplay the fact that you went to prison, but if we weren't for that and you becoming friends with Snoop Dog later in life, you would not exist in any form. You know what I mean? It's a cool little, it's a wonderful life experiment to imagine a timeline where Martha Stewart never went to prison and what would have happened to her?

Because Ina Garton, again, a comparable public figure never went to prison. And I don't think people care about her except for me. Yeah, Jackie. Jackie and Henry, I guess, the only people like. And MJ. NMJ. Yeah. But like, but she's not hosting the,

Olympics, right? Right. She did not get this, you know, this, I do feel like Martha Stewart got a lot, like, it's not only that it wasn't, I'm sure it was a negative for her life to be incarcerated, but I think it was undeniably a net positive for her career. Because of what she did with it. And it's because of how she rolled with it. She didn't even do the whole, like, the I am like, my life is ripped apart.

If you remember correctly, she kind of. rolled with all the head held high. Yeah, yeah. Yep, I'm going through this and I'm just going to get through this and I'm going to steal my fucking way through this. And, you know, I feel like I would kind of understand her feeling that way about Ina Garten because it's like it also depends on what you go to prison for. Well, that's exactly.

You know what I mean? And it wasn't a violent crime, but it was a financial crime. And I'm not saying that. What a financial crime. Sure. And it's not unforgivable. And I'm glad that she's had a career since. And I actually think it's, I think she should, if anything, talk even more about how people should be able to do their time and then come back and not have it.

And bounce back to them. Yes. And continue your life. And that like the things that you can learn and grow from. Totally. It shouldn't define you all of that. But it's going to be in your documentary about you in your life. If you're Martha Stewart. But like, but but yeah, I think that it, the way that she handled it is very cool. But I, it also is funny that it was like, it wasn't like. It wasn't a Jean Valjean situation. It was like financial crimes that were bad. The bad type that rich people do, you know? The rich people getting more money in ways that they shouldn't. Yeah, taking money. Exactly. And yeah, so like that, I do think it's very funny that Ina Garton was like,

I'm not going to not call her about this. But then I'm going to pretend that everything is fine afterwards. But yes, it does depend on what you go to prison for. And it is, I don't know. the details of the levels of embezzlement that Martha did to say whether or not it was a victimless crime. But it certainly wasn't a violent crime. And again, I'm glad she's okay. But I think it is kind of funny to the way that she's like, you know what? Talk about my muffins. Don't talk about my time in prison. Right. Just like, I can't, I'm sorry, I can't go down that road with you, you know.

I just wonder if maybe find a garden, maybe we could link her up with like 50 cent. And then that would maybe give her a second. Or like she should start making like shroom chocolates or something like I feel like. It's like Martha Stewart, you got to remember also has the like how much our feelings change. Or maybe I'm just speaking for myself. When I found out how much weed Martha Stewart smokes. Yeah. It made me inherently love her more.

Right. Right. We need to get Aina like what drug could we get her on like like Moll? Well, you know, she loves to drink. Get her on some ecstasy. Well, you know, fentanyl strips and you know, I feel like anything that you need like that like I, I, I think something more, that's why I'm saying. Let's get her on fentanyl strips.

No, I'm saying mushrooms, something that is definitely like natural. You know what I mean? Like something that she can cook with, something that she can use in her life. I like to put the mushrooms in the casserole and then I like to eat a few. Yeah, mushrooms would probably be the way to go because you don't need strips of any kind. Do you know what you mean? Yeah. She would be great.

It's all natural. She would be great on mushrooms. That is what she's in. But didn't she make a big giant cocktail at the beginning of the pandemic? And everyone was like, oh, I know you've. I know. You're bad. You know, it's like, look at her with her cocktails.

But again, that was just you and I, M.J. And nobody else cared about how large her cocktail was. She separated from Jeffrey. She made him go to therapy. He went to one therapy session, I think. That's all you need. And then bang, bang, boom. Everybody knows that's how you get fixed.

One therapy session. And I think that that's all I would assume Eric Roberts and Julia Roberts would need. Because recently, there's been a lot of stuff. Now, for those of you that forget, Julie Roberts has also, like, big acting brother. His name is Eric Roberts. And in the past, he has definitely said weird shit about his sister, weird shit about his daughter. And not like in a yucky way, but like, you know, they would never, no, no, that they would never be anywhere without him. Yeah, yeah.

That he's the one that, like, they wouldn't be as. far along. He's the one that started at all. And these were comments from things in the past. But recently he's been talking a lot more. And actually, I meant to look up that does he have like a project that's about to drop? Because he's been like, and the things that he has said in the past have been coming up a lot recently. And now he just publicly apologized to his sister, Julie Roberts, for having said those things in the past.

He's got a memoir. His talk, it's memoir time. His memoir is, let's see whose title is better between him and Ina Garten. His memoir is runaway train, colon, or, comma, the story of my life so far. Jeez, that's a real. Greatest love story ever told. I choose, I know. Dot, dot, dot.

Yeah. I'm upset about Ida's title. Be ready when the luck happens, colon, a memoir. Yeah, why is stupid title? Too much punctuation going on in all this. And I think, yeah, J-Lar started it. We've got to back away for that. Keep it simple.

Yeah, just keep it simple. You know, bossy pants. Or that's the first one that came to mind. But you know what I mean? Just a simple, easy kind of tip of the tongue kind of thing instead of like this colon. I feel like I've getting a colon inspection trying to fucking read this shit. I feel like I got a doctor with a fucking camera jammed up my ass.

Well, you are the age of it holding. I know. It's time to bend over and open it up. But it's not in the getting it done. It's the night before just sounds exhausting. It's all the shitting. You have to do it. Water.

Okay. I need to highlight this quote from... I like it first, but then I think I'll hate it. I need to highlight this quote from Eric Roberts because as somebody who is raising two siblings, it really stood out to me. He said, and this is after he had, you know,

he had said this whole thing about like, she would be nothing without me because I got her seen by the talent agent. And then he said, I'm so proud that everybody knows I was first because I was first. because I was first by a long shot. I was first to get Golden Globe and Academy Award nominations. To say I was first three times

in the same quote. It really just shows that your family dynamic will shape you and who you are forever. He's 68 years old and he still needs to be like, I was first. I was first.

And no one, and Jimmy Crackhorn and no one gives a flying fuck, bro. Because all anyone wants to talk about is Julia Roberts. I don't even remember your name already. Is it Rory? I don't even remember his name already. That's how quickly it's out of my head.

You guys just said his name multiple times. I know it's Eric. Well, he has a fine career, right? He was in cold blood, I think. He's been in lots. And also, like, I think that runaway train, I've never seen runaway train, Scott John Voidon,

I think that that's also supposed to be like a really good. I don't know if that was like one of his first big movies, but like he is, you know, a known notable actor. He's very good at what he does, but it is just this. It is really a very unattractive look to see someone in their 60s. Yeah, that is such a, like, how old are you? Why are you talking like this? And the fact that you still feel this way after all those years.

It's deep insecurity because he was so overshadowed by Julie Roberts. It's so obvious to me, right? Completely. And he's even, like, come out and was like, yeah, Mystic Pizza was a good movie. like, you know, but Sue Magnolius, she just wasn't good in it. Yeah. And you can fuck off, Eric Roberts. And so he has now apologize.

In his memoir, he's like, I'd like to publicly apologize, which whenever somebody does, I mean, sometimes you do need to do a public apology, but whenever somebody publicly apologizes to one person, I always wonder, has a private apology taken place? This is my, exactly. And I could only hope that there is also a private, message as well that they are talking to each other because it's like at this point if it's just a public apology or you just write it in your memoir sorry too little too late like uh what's his but uh fucking rob schneider right publicly apologizing to his daughter on fox news or Tucker carlson

whichever it was and then she comes out and she was like that doesn't count as an apology doesn't count because you didn't talk to me you didn't talk to me so yeah i'm eric robert was like, I'm sorry that I said those mean things about my sister. And, you know, I guess it would be hard to be, to have your sibling be the most famous movie star in the world for many years if you are also trying to be a movie star. But I was first, I was first. It's just, I just, I could imagine their parents being like, knock it off, you know, like, it's just, it's.

Right, you can hear it. You can hear that coming from where it's just like, again, I don't even want to say you're too old. It's just like, it's just been so many years. Yeah. And that you just got to let it go, but then you see, like, I can only imagine how difficult it is under the lens of such intense scrutiny, which we, I also, I know that like the stories didn't really matter that much, but I don't know if you read the article that I included about the Lawrence brothers. They were at this. Yeah, they're doing well. Yeah, they're at, they were at this con over the weekend called 90s con. And the Lawrence brothers apparently are currently working on. a new fun show that like shows them in a different light kind of thing and I don't know the Lawrence Brothers show a full on family project yes I was really I loved obviously I loved the Lawrence brothers when I was younger you were the right age for it I was the perfect age for it but then they have also recently talked about how it was interesting how their parents really kept them separate like you started this whole show talking about like kids shouldn't be

in Hollywood shouldn't really be doing these things. And that like their parents went above and beyond to have them have normal childhoods as normal of childhoods as they could have. And they have like recently been speaking out towards their parents being like, thank you for doing all the work that you did to make sure that we were safe.

And like we are understand now what the lengths you had to go to. But at 90s con, they also told these really great stories about John Travolta and Robin, Williams, like specifically, that John Travolta was like doing this, a movie with Matthew Lawrence when he was younger and that like, like before the family had a lot. And he just like took the family under his wing with his family and was just like, what if we all like hang out together? And that made me love John Travolta even more than I already do. I know. I was really doing like a rapid

mental rolodex, I was like, wait, did we, I know we used to talk, of course, all the time about John Travolta and his playing rides and his massages and his exercise buddies and all of that. But none of it, as far as I remember, was like creepy stuff to kids. And so when I saw this. No, no, never, no, they were always, always, that's not. That's not the jauntra style. The jauntra style was just like having consensual, I think, if I remember correctly, consensual massages with adult men on private jazz. And so when I saw this that the Lawrence brothers were like,

we love John Travolta. And he was really nice to our family. I was like, am I feeling great about John Travolta? This is just a strange feeling. Because a lot of the one back in the day when we used to talk about genre, a lot of the stories about him were when he was getting real weird. But yeah, I was surprised to see that the Lawrence brothers are doing so well because they were like the utmost 90s kid stars. And as we know, most of those people are not okay. And it is kind of shocking to see three members of a family who are all like, we're doing really well. We still want to work together. Like, we are healthy adults and we had like a generally positive experience because of the Herculean effort that our parents put in to protecting us from the worst parts of the industry.

Whoa. Oh my God. Oh, my everything. But I also just love this story about Robin Williams, like Matthew Lawrence was saying on the set of Mrs. Doubtfire that Robin Williams was just that guy that loved talking everybody, knew the names of everybody on set, treated everybody exactly the same, and just was a wonderful positive force of energy. And that just makes, uh, yeah. Mara Wilson has said the same thing about Robin Williams and also about Danny DeVito and, uh, oh my God, with Matilda. And how much he and Ria Perlman really helped her. Oh, my God. And just hearing those stories where it's like, we hear so many stories of like, that are bad that it's like, I just like to talk about the ones. But it's like, man, it's really cool that like they had just really great things to say about people.

Yes. And it makes me, I don't know, just have a little glimmer of trust or hope for humanity. Because it's basically impossible to read celebrity news right now because of the Puff Daddy stuff. And we are not going to talk about it now. It's not a lot. It's a lot of lubricant, I'll tell you that much. We're not talking about Puff Daddy. And so therefore, when we see a family who's doing well and happy, we talk about that.

Well, let's talk about a different piece of shit in the modern media currently. Hit me with the share. Do you believe it? Sorry to do this to y'all, but it is the season. So I got to, is Trump a massive Swifty? This one comes in from Andrew Linsky. Donald Trump has always been a not-so-secret massive Swifty. and this is killing him.

Trump is bad because he's a secret Swifty. He's been for years. He desperately wants Taylor Swift to like him. There's been a long history. I hadn't, I'd seen some of this, but I hadn't seen all of this. And it's pretty hilarious. He's showed his love for Taylor Swift multiple times. We have the video of him listening to Blank Space in his car.

I do remember that one. Someone snapped a picture where folklore is clearly on his tablet being played on Spotify. It is incredible. Like, it's his tablet. and it's clearly folklore is on the now playing, and it's so funny. Multiple times throughout the years at rallies, he's mentioned wanting to be on her side. Once he said, I like her music, but because she endorsed Biden, he likes her music, 25% less.

He's called her beautiful and terrific on multiple occasions. He's always been fascinated with her, even way before he was a politician. There's a 2012 tweet linked. Glad to hear that Taylor will be co-hosting the Grammy nomination special on 12-5. Taylor is terrific. He tweeted in 2012. Oh my God. I really think his I hate Taylor Swift tweet or truth or whatever the fuck it is is a full-blown

Regina George style meltdown because he wanted her to like him so bad. And now he can't listen to Down Bad when he's down bad, knowing she hates him. Part of he actually thinks his boomer mind thought the AI stuff was real, which now hurts his feelings. On a serious note with the past bombings and shooting threats on her shirt. shows and mass shootings in general happening this year. Her U.S. shows are coming up. It's hazardous for him to say the things he is, even more so since his campaign has only been run on winning young angry men who usually hates Swift. Yep. So yeah, but on a funny note on how ridiculous our reality hell is, her hating him when he loves her is hilarious. Also, side note, Swifties are confident

she would endorse Kamala Harris. She always just does these things strategically closer to the actual election day so people don't forget. But I think she should. was kind of pushed to do it sooner this year. Her popularity has tripled in the last four years. Her record of being anti-Donald Trump has been clear for years with mountains of Google evidence. And that is why I went to bat for her. Another truth tweet from Trump that's hilarious. I signed it was responsible for the Music Modernization Act for Taylor Swift and all other musical artists. Joe Biden didn't do anything for Taylor. Never will. Oh, man. Oh, man. I just, the, the, the, the,

folklore picture is so crazy. I can't believe it. Folklore? Of all her albums? Of all the albums? I'm like really the one and like invisible string. Why are you saying that like that? Why are you saying that like that? Because it's like the thoughtful one. Yeah. Yeah. It's like I thought I felt I felt I was being abused for a moment. No, it just has a vibe to it that I just wouldn't think he would be at all interested in. You know, it's calm. He needs to relax somehow, I guess. So anyways, I just love the idea. The more,

more, the less, I get less upset and more relaxed, the more I think that he loves the shit out of her. And this is just absolutely breaking him like a promise. Do you believe? Oh, yeah. Oh, I believe. Oh, I believe. It makes so much sense of why it's just stuck in his cross so hard. It makes me so happy.

So upset. Yeah, well, she's going to lose a lot of her fan base. Yeah, well, she's going to, yeah, but. Yeah, I saw, I saw a recent. I think she's lost no money, no sponsorship deals or anything since she's come out to support Kamala and any fake news report saying otherwise is just that. So good time. Has there been anything? There was like a lot of social media speculation that like a bunch of tickets.

I think this was just Swifties being. That's what I'm saying. No. No. But by being like tickets will open up because all the people who like her who like Trump are going to sell their tickets so that they don't. I wish. No, not at all. Of course.

Maybe like some, but I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. And why haven't we been looking? We should have looked that night. I know. I should look that night. I'm an idiot.

Well, anyways. Well, there you go. There's my, I guess we believe. My celebrity is seriously. I believe the shit out of it, dude. Oh, yeah. You don't tweet that shit out on a fucking Sunday morning or whatever it was if you aren't going through it.

You know what I mean? Nah, dude. But I guess it's time for my list, though. Oh! Who's on the list? Checking. Gotta have that list. Celebrity name change.

Backstories. Yes. Get your ears up. Get your eyes up. Because Leonardo DiCaprio's first name was inspired by none other than Leonardo da Vinci. While his mother was pregnant with DiCaprio, she and his father were looking at one of Da Vinci's paintings when little DiCaprio started kicking furiously. His father then decided that Leonardo would be a good name. This is, forgive me for this very quick, deep cut going back to the political story from before about the political.

A reporter who there was, you know, who sent the nudes to RFK Jr. There was a tweet that everybody was dunking on that was like, shouldn't we think about a 70-year-old politician taking advantage of this 31-year-old woman? And everyone was laughing because everyone was like, she was 31. Like, she could make her own decisions. Yeah. But then I was thinking about the conspiracy theory, I think, or a theory, maybe not a conspiracy theory, but somebody wrote into page 7 to be like, Leonardo DiCaprio doesn't dump women

when they're 25, they dump him because that's when women start to make like wiser choices. Ah, when our brains, was it fuse old wise? Yeah, the frontal lobe does something. Fuse old wise. Fuse old wise. But I was thinking a lot about, I thought about you, Leo,

because if a 25-year-old couldn't be trusted to stop dating England-Acaprio, then a 31-year-old could be trusted to not text nudes to RFK Jr. Also, maybe it's just a ploy. so that they can get someone to rent them cars until it's cheaper for them to rent cars, which also I would understand as someone in my mid-20s. Yeah, I'm dating Leonardo DiCaprio so that I can get a rental car.

For the rental cars? Obviously. But did you know that Robert Downey Jr's real name is Robert Elias? Sexy. The Iron Man Star. What was that? Sexy. It's a sexy name.

Oh, it is a sexy name. The Iron Man Star revealed that his father, filmmaker Robert Downey, Sr., changed his name so he could join the army as a minor. Which is kind of fun, and I don't think we're talking about the miners that dive in those cave explosions that I love to watch in my video essays. They're not always cave explosions, sometimes they're implosions, sometimes the miners just get lost in the cave. But I'm not talking about my video essays right now. I'm talking about people's names, and this goes out to you, MJ, Ace of Cake Star, Duff, Goff, Oldman got his nickname when his big brother couldn't say his real name, calling him Duffy as a baby instead of

Jeffrey. Aw, that's cute. There's actually a couple of these on this list. I think there's also one about Buzz Aldrin, whose younger sister couldn't say his name. He couldn't say brother, so she said buzzer instead, and so it got shortened to Buzz. And I know, I'm pretty sure I've talked about the My Buddy and Me doll that I called Henry Buddy for most of our upbringing because I thought he looked like the my buddy and me doll, so I called him buddy instead. Okay, first of all, that's a bit of a burn to Henry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I wasn't trying to

give it a burn. That was too, that was baby before burn, you know? Yeah, yeah. No, I just, I remember those dolls. They were creepy. Yeah, but I also had kid sister. And I was obsessed. I had kids sister. Oh, yeah, man. I had kids sister. And I wanted my buddy, um, but I had kid's sister. But buddies is a would be a great stage name. So that would have been fine, too. I was a Teddy Ruxpin boy myself. Man, even with the hard chest, I love Teddy Ruxpin, but even it's like you could never cuddle properly with a Teddy Ruxpin.

Yeah, you couldn't cuddle him. Maybe that's where the sexual frozenness came from, Hold. Didn't you ever think about that? Probably, the lack of intimacy for sure, definitely. It all came from Teddy Ruxpin. Can you imagine getting your stage name from your AOL screen name or maybe your MSN screen name like Charlie X-C-X did. Her real name is Charlotte Emma Aitchinson, Atchinson, but she didn't know, she wanted to come up with a stage name, and that was her MSN screen name, Charlie X-C-X,

and that's insane because you'd start knowing me as Evil Duck 59, and that's what I need to go live a life as. Maybe that's like my new flavor or flower power 98. That's where I started from. Flower Power 98 is even better. Why 98? That was the year you made the account. 1998. Yeah, it was 198. I have always talked about this.

I'm so sad that I'm so bad with names. I can't remember my old screen names. And I'm so sad at that loss. I would love a government mandate where we all had to go by our screen names for like a year from middle school. You know? Because I was definitely on that hot AOL chat. Just waiting for my crush. waiting for that door sound.

That door sound. Oh my God. And I would always have turned all the way up on the computer so I could hear when the door would open and close. Yes. I was Crafty Bernard. I think I must have used the same name generator the Childish Gambino did because I really feel like Crafty Bernard is in the same name.

Same thing. Yeah, Childish Campita used a Wu-Tang clan name generator online classically to get his name. Post Malone used a rap name generator to come up with Post Malone. He putting his name Austin Post into it. And he got Post Malone and he kept down. That's a good one, man. That's a good one. Are we going to talk about this next thing?

Because I do want to talk about her album bombing for two seconds. We can. The next one just reminded me, Katie Perry, changed her day from Katie Hudson to avoid being confused with actress Kate Hudson, which is mildly interesting. But the more interesting thing is, man, her album is the lowest ranked on Metacritic or something like that. It is devastating what's happening. I'm starting to feel, it's the J-Lo effect. I'm feeling like really bad for her lately. I was lampooning it

And now I'm feeling just awful for her This album is bombing so hard Then she got her whole VMA moment in the sun But then everybody made fun of her so much That moment in the sun was probably taken away Everybody was like her lifetime achieve her Right So I feel like she she like got kind of rehabilitated

At the VMAs in a way that I didn't like I wish I feel like if she was just trying to embrace The great hits she made in the past She'd be maybe having more of a moment right now, but instead this new album is just like, I haven't listened to it yet. Not. I think I need to sit down and listen to it because it is devastating, like how bad it is being.

You listen to it and report back. I'll read the Ina Garten memoir and I'll report back. We all got homework. Great. Everyone's got homework. And I have to read Eric Roberts's. You have to read Eric Roberts's memoir. Oh, God. What a fucking slog that would be.

Did you imagine reading that and he's just like, I was the first one to write a a memoir, ooh, and you're just like, ugh. Here's a picture of my penis or something, you know what I mean? Flaccid. No improprieties when it comes to Eric Roberts, and no improprieties when it comes to Brie Larson. Brie Larson's given surname is Desolny. But she wanted one that's easier.

So she took the surname of Kirsten Larson, her favorite American girl doll. I forget. M.J. Were you a Kirstie? I had a Kirsten. I still have her. She's in my house right now. I don't want her in my house anymore. I can't figure out what to do with her. Do you feel like she's stalking your home? Like, what is, is this a good thing? Like, do we need to like exercise her from the home? I got to get, yeah, there's two, there's one. There's one. There's one. There's three American Girl dolls in my house and that's one too many, you know, and I, but I don't, but they're like, but I'm like, maybe someday they'll, because each of my kids got handed down one from a friend and I'm like, I don't need three. get this doll out of my house, but now she's just sitting in the corner, you know, because I don't want to throw her way. Watching you kiss kidding. Whoa. Yeah, you want to hurt her? Yeah, I'm emotionally torturing Kirsten Larson, so I'm familiar with her.

Good for you, dude. That's a fun origin story for Brie Larson. She's an American girl doll person, just like us. Just like us. And last but not least, I did this just because of what he almost changed his name to, which is very weird. Kianu Reeves first name in Hawaiian, Kianu meaning cool breeze over the mountains. As awesome as that is, his agents thought it wasn't good enough at first,

so he almost changed it to Chuck Spadina. And I just feel like from Kianu Reeves to Chuck Spadina at your soivis. And I don't know why in my brain, Chuck Spadina's got to always say his thing. Like he's yelling at it. Chuck Spadena at your service. Keanu Reeves is like the hottest possible name. It's like a hot name generator.

Yes. And Chuck Spadena is... Too much in the mouth. Yeah. Yeah. He's definitely like a tradesman of some kind. You know, he's got a good union job. Chuck Spadina, pleasure to meet you.

Honestly, it does make me think of we bring it up on Throne of Glass a lot because there is a door knocker. It's a magical door knocker in Throne of Glass. It's in the beginning when it's not like the books are much more. elementary. And the audiobook narrator who's very good at her job, she does have Mott talk like this. And it takes you so out of it that I'm just like, why is he a cab driver from New York City that lives in this magical like under castle throne room you had no idea existed? But anyway, sorry, I'll stop talking about Mort right now. That's my list.

All right. Great list. Great list. Great list. Love a good list. And love, don't love. Sight leaving me. Don't love that.

Not a fun thing. I think I'm going. Blind. Items. Ah, we can't see them. The north of the border actor, Canada, wanted his wife to stay home because he is insanely jealous. She said she would leave him, though,

if he didn't let her do her current project. That's right. They are, she's gone down, her socks gone down a little bit lately for doing a different movie. Jeffrey and Ina Garton. No, not. Oh, what's his name, Ryan Reynolds? Yes. Oh.

And fucking, wait. What's her name? Blake Lively. Yes. Wait, he wanted, say the beginning again, he was going to leave her because she. No, he wanted her to stay home. He's insanely jealous. She said she'd leave him, though, if he didn't let her do her current project, which is called the husband's secret.

Do you know this? No. No. She's not. That's right. No. No. Yes.

No. She's not. An adaptation of a book by Big Little Eyes author of Leanne Moriarty, who has apparently stated that the role lively was cast in, I will say, is a little more up in the air these days after a recent issue centered around it ends with us. Amazing. So tell me about the husband's secret. No. We've told you about the husband's secret.

He's got a bad. He's got a bad. You'll never guess the secret. No, it's a secret. And, oh, she finds out about it. gotta know and then she's got a little bit. Is he like a squid? We're not going to tell.

You're never going to find out from us. We'll never tell you the secret. Is this secret? Does this penis have a mouth on it? Honestly, that would be really awesome. And it does make me think of more what happens in Jackie's book club than what happens.

Right. That's a little more Jackie's book club. Well, the co-ho to Leon Moriarty pipeline that Blake Lively is on. Yes. It's moving in the wrong direction. Keep making shitty coho. This upsets me because-

So Husband's Secret, you value Husband's Secret is what you're saying. It's all over it. These books, Co-ho could never. The books that Leah Moriarty writes are so good. And Co-ho's books, not as good. But why don't you want to see Blake Lively in the driver's seat of one of these book adaptation?

I don't trust her based on how. she handled. Who should be the... I'm worried that, like, Tom Cruise is going to watch her in it and be like, oh, is that a fish I can put my penis inside of? You know, like, that's what I'm worried about. Yeah, she just is, you know, like, she's not going to give it what the movie needs. Who should be the, I guess she's the wife in the husband?

Charlie's their own. Yeah. Charlie's their own. You know, I was very skeptical when Big Little Lies came out because when I read that book, Leah Morty's books are, they're a housewife... Nicole Kidman. I'm sorry. Nicole Kidman.

But they're all housewife mysteries, but like maybe it's my, maybe it's, maybe I should be hornyer. But I don't, like she doesn't really write them like they're all like milfs. Like they're all just like, no, they're not horny. They're not horny. They're just like moms, like school moms. Right. And then Big Little Eyes made it horny, like made it real sexy and milphy. And I was thankful for that and they did a great job.

But it doesn't have to be someone who's hot. But, you know, make it somebody who's hot. You're doing a movie. I get it. Yes. Charlie's Theron would be great. It just, I don't, I just don't, I don't know. Blake Lively, upon now having read, it ends with us.

The fact that Blake Lively couldn't do PR for it with any sort of tact at all is just, like, if she had read the book, which maybe she didn't, maybe she just showed up and, like, read the words off the script. But it would just, like, it's just, you have to just know what the book is about to not be like, put on your furrows and go. You know, so it's just a strange. And the husband's secret handles some difficult themes as well. And so I think it's funny that they're like, oh, you handled these like ham-fisted, poorly written, heavy-handed, difficult themes of this book so well. Let's get you set up with like a better book. Yeah, something with more nuance.

That's what you need, Blake lively. Yeah. Exactly. Not that again, husband's secret is not, you know, we're not saying it's, you know, the once and future king. It's not war in peace. Yeah. And it ends with us.

It was a page turner. I got into it and I enjoyed it and it was like, it was fine. But it's, yeah, I wouldn't call it nuanced. It's like a, it's like a, it's just like a book that you read and you're like, all right. Hell yeah. I will read another one. I turned the pages of that book and it had characters and a plot, you know. If I remember correctly, I feel like we both like swat.

She's secret in like three days' time. She just is really good at writing that genre book. I will say, you just swallow it.

The other one comes. There's a series produced by Nicole Kidman for the last anniversary as well coming down the pipe. I've read all of her books but I can't remember with that as Nicole Kidman in.

I know my brain. I'm like, I know it's a Leon Moriarty book but what are. Oh, I remember. They're all. Remus, Sophie Honeywell inherits a house

on Scribly Gum Island left to her. Yeah. I know you're not I'm not making it up. It's Australian. And it sounds like the wanka, the bad wanka experience. You know what I mean?

Like that I don't know why it would be called that. Left her by her ex-boyfriend's great Aunt Connie. However, the island has many secrets. Many secrets. Scribly gum secrets. I don't want a scribble gum secret. Why is it called Scribly Gum secret? By the way, that's a good name.

The problem with her books is that they all, the premises all sound stupid. Right. Like the one I was telling you about last week where she's like, she gets a bump on the head and then she wakes up and she's forgotten the last 10 years. Sounds kind of dumb. You know, there's like one where there's, there's one like involving a hypnotist. I think it's called the hypnotist's secret or something. Is it that it's magic?

Is that what the secret is? The hypnotist's one. It's, they sound, like, they sound, it took me years to embrace that this woman is fantastic at writing books because the premise is all sound kind of silly. and then you read them and you read them in two days and you're like, I loved that book.

Am I stupid? No, it turns out they're just really good books. It's good, be treats. Yeah, they're like... The hypnotist's love story is like that year.

Ah, yes. Yeah, yeah. The husband has a secret. The hymns has a love story. Yeah. And the anniversary, the last one, scribbly gums.

It got gums. Scribly gum island. What is going on? I mean, come on. You have a... Talk about a name generator. Anyways, so that's the T on that. It's Australia.

I'm about to look it up. I bet scrimly-gum. It is. It is a real place. It's Australia. It's a real place. It sounds a lot better in Australian. Actually, Scrably gum Ireland.

Yeah, yeah. Scrably gum. Yeah, yeah. You just have to say it. One more thing about the husband's secret, which is the first Leon Moriarty book I read, and it is, she is Australian, but it, like, wasn't, I'm sure that it was in the text that they were in Australia.

It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Scribly gum island. She made up to name. Fictitious island. Fictitious. That's a dumb.

fake name. There I said it. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you. I just needed everyone to know it's a fictitious island. No, that's good for the Australian listeners. Wonderful. But I did. The husband's secret takes... I'm looking at you, Sheriff Force. Are you proud of me? The husband's secret takes place at Easter, and they keep talking about how it's fall. And I spent so much time being like, do they have Easter at a different time in Australia?

It's Australia before I realized it's because of the Southern Hemisphere and these seasons are opposite. So get ready for a wild ride. So also happy beginning of spring, everybody, to our over-there listeners. Wonderful. I couldn't. I'm so happy the winter's over. All right. Next up, that was just the first one, y'all. Whoa. The permanent A-list singer has constantly said no to selling her song catalog, but she is being backed into a corner and maybe forced to sell it for a lower amount if she waits too long. Madonna. No. J-Lo? No. The other one. Mariah. Yes. Attached article is about how she's built up $18 million in mortgage debt, alongside excessive spending on stuff like designer clothes, gifts, and champagne.

From the article, quote, she allegedly splurges 45K on doggy spa treatments, 100K a month on exotic flowers, and 10K per time on hair and makeup. What's the problem with any of that? Yeah, yeah. Is 10,000 every time you get your hair done about what it is these days? I know it's been going up lately. It has been going up. And you know what?

I did recently see a picture of her with her kids. And she was wearing like seven inch heels walking up the wall of China. So, you know, there's things that you think about someone where you're like, oh, if you're struggling with some finances, maybe, you know, you don't get the exotic flowers this month. Yeah, Mariah Carey climbed the gray wall of China in heels. so I'm sure she just rode a person at some point, right? Oh, yeah. My husband locked himself out of the building, so you guys keep going.

I'll be back in 20 seconds. All right. Idiot's stupid. Get it. Get a idiot. Locked a mouse. He's a dumb idiot. Get inside himself.

Get inside of his house. What does you need keys? These are some high heels and she has two buff dudes literally holding each of her hands walking her up. She has to make sure. that she is safe, Holden. And you notice why I didn't include when this happened.

I was like, there's nothing to the story. It is just look at Mariah Carey. Why would you do that? But I do love that she needs two Wall of China. Two like bodyguard guys is what they look like. And they better be big. She's holding onto each of them

to be able to do this in heels. And it comes to a point where it's like you try to, but it really speaks towards trying to look as classy and fancy as possible. And it actually makes you look like less classy overall because you need two people to help you. What's not classy about... She needs the heels.

She looks like she's struggling. She looks like she's struggling to move. And that is not classy looking. But I will say this. Mariah, don't sell them, girl. Hang on to him. You know what I mean? I don't know or sell them or whatever.

45K and doggy spa treatments, huh? She's got a lot of dogs. I love the idea that Mariah just is going to... is like, why would I stop spending money? Like, I'm still making money the way I in the 90s, you know? Oh my God. I was just like, I just wanted to see

like what her ticket prices got jacked up to. I wouldn't spend $500 to see Mariah Carey. Is that for her holiday thing? Is that for her big Christmas? Yeah, like her holiday stuff.

And I mean, who's left who would, right? I mean, I guess people in our generation, but people in our generation don't have that much disposable income. It's starting to write itself. Like, I'm glad to see that people are stopping like just shelling out the money for all these crazy.

tickets because it's it needs to go down damn it i can't i want to go to live shows again you know what i mean and not just joe alleyway you know what i mean some up-and-comer you know what i mean he's like i forgot i need my phone to read my own lyrics you know i don't want to see that guy i want to see i will let you guys know how orville peck is oh yes i am very excited about very exciting yeah pink was great i don't know how much i talked about pink on here but man does she fly around the air and it is impressive. Dude, she's so thick. I love how full of muscles she is. She is so

smart for picking up this aerial thing. It made her show viable no matter what. Like, everyone wants to see that. It's so fun to watch. It just adds this whole layer that keeps her relevant. Look at you, J-Lo. Why don't we start fire-breathing or something?

Let's learn some circusy shit, J-Lo. And then maybe you could go back on tour. You know what I mean? Now that your life's falling apart. Next up, we've got, last of not least, the illiterate one, no, yes, she can read, but her name starts with the two letters, very annoying, the way it sounds. She pitched a self-help book

and submitted a three-chapter pitch that felt like it was done by some type of AI chat by. I hope it's Megan Markle. It is Megan Markle. She's been doing a lot of stuff lately with self-help guru Brene Brown. Looks like she's trying to get into the self-help section. Could you imagine?

Do you imagine? Believe in yourself. Mary a Prince. Mary a Prince, that's all you need to do. Wow. Yeah, that's all you got to do. All you have to is ruin a prince's life.

It's so inspired. Your story's so inspiring, Megan. You're on a show that's so boring. I don't even want to say the name of it because it puts me to sleep. And then you ruin a prince's life. Yeah, great. Let's get inspired, Megan.

Unbelievable. I say, I say, blow her up right next to the hippo. No. Public. Explosion. executions is what I'm calling for. If you agree with me, please let me know. If you don't agree with me, go put a bone in your fucking mouth.

I guess I got to go put a bone in my mouth. Yeah. She just doesn't have a plan for her career. Like, what is it? I love she's getting into self-help. I love the whole thing where disaster people become life coaches. It's so funny to me. It's like, why would I take advice from you?

I mean, yes, you're very, you're clearly doing pretty probably well. You're incredible at hoodwinking. I mean, she's doing something, right? Networks and Spotify and streamers into like paying you shitloads of money to do nothing to do like no work. You're incredible at seeming interesting. And then upon slightly closer examination, revealing yourself to be uninteresting. You have to be born with some assets, let's just say, for that model to even work at all. on any level.

Suits? Not an asset? My career in suits is not doing it for you in terms of my assets. Yeah, I... My assets are frozen. I love how boring. Come on.

I'm a Christmas gerald. Let's come back soon. Oh, man, I'm getting so excited for the holiday season. Oh, yeah. I'm starting to get... I'm already watching spooky stuff and I'm excited.

Yeah, I got to start. We'll talk about that on Target TV, though. Target TV is a separate recording. We'll come out later in the week. Take it back to Jackie now. I can see it. Well, it happened earlier in the week. And have it earlier.

Well, it depends on what part of the week you're in, Jackie. So if you're listening to now that it happened, it'll happen. If you're, I'm a Thursday to Wednesday weeker. Oh, yeah. Oh, got. Some people go Monday to Sunday. Some people go Sunday to Saturday. I'm a Thursday to Wednesday.

That makes a lot more sense after knowing you for 20 years. Now I understand you a little bit more. But I think that I understand that you can see again, right? No, I'm still. No, yeah, I can see. Absolutely. I can see. It's very nice.

You guys are really. fun to look at. Welcome back. Easy on the eyes, you guys. Easy on the eyes. Somebody else is born with some assets, and I'm looking at them right now. You don't have faces for radio.

All right, I'll take it. You've got faces for the big screen. You know what I'm saying? Get them up there. Yeah, I want everyone to see every poor I've got. And thank you guys so much for hanging out with us on this episode of page seven. My name is Jackie Zabrowski.

You can follow me and Instagram at Jack That Worm. You can come hang out with MJ and I on Wednesdays when we play Sims, Twitchshot TV forward slash, oh no, it's Jackie. And also soon, coming Wednesdays, I'm going to have a new podcast dropping on LPN called Who's the Bitch with a friend of mine

and her name is Kara Clank. And she is also a host of a show called That's Messed Up, an SVU podcast. And we are doing a call-in advice show. So if you would like to send in, send in your goss, send in your questions, sending your quandary if you want to find out, are you being the bitch

or somebody else being the bitch? Hit us up, go to who's the bitch.com. Page 7podcast at gmail.com is an incredibly important email for you to remember. I need conspiracy theories. Please send them in page 7pockets at gmail.com. More importantly to remember, patreon.com, forward slash page 7 podcast, weekly bonus episodes,

the leftovers. We have tons of articles to talk about. What's going on with Hayden Panadier? We'll find out in the leftovers. And also you've got Jackie's book club. And at the $10 layer, the Buffy Watch Long, we're knee-deep in season three, and it just gets better and better and better,

and we're finally paying attention to the show. So that's good. Patreon.com forward slash page seven podcast. And Twitch.com. Forward slash Holdenators ho. Holdenators ho on Twitch. Check me out over there. Fridays with Jackie,

Jack and with the Holdies at 6 p.m. EST. That's Twitch. at TV forward slash holdenators ho. MJ! My name is MJ and I'm MJKL Kat on Instagram. Let's sing the song. Shout, shout, let it all out.

These are the emails that you wrote it about. Come on. We're going to read it up to you. Come on. Oh, it's magic. No, it's Jackie. And it's Jackie with the shoutouts. I just want to say thank you guys so much for sending in your shoutouts to page 7

podcast at gmail.com. We appreciate it every week and we love your TV wrecks and I love listen to them and I love your very nice explanation that Nicola Cochlin is actually Nicola Cochlin and not Nicola Coughlin, which is what I was saying. And I just want to say thank you so much, Darcy, for letting us know. And thank you for letting us know not in a mean way. And I just want to say thank you. But also, I want to give a huge birthday shout out.

This is coming in from Ainsley. Ainsley wants to wish their bestie, Jessica, a happy birthday. Jessica says, I want to give an annual shout out to my BFFB, best fucking friend forever bitch, Jessica. Laguna Beach pronunciation for her 32nd birthday. Life has gotten the best of both of us. We are both so busy and caught up in life. It's rare that we see one another in person.

The thing that will never dull or fade is our bond. 28? Holy shit! 28 years ago we were two annoying children in a classroom making popsicle people together. 28 years later, and I still consider her my home away from home. My best friend. That one person that just gets me! She is the chillest, kind of.

most down-to-earth person that I will ever know. A die-hard creative and complex soul that is a Virgo. Oh, I love the Vergeys in my life. Ainsley, where would we be without them? Ainsley says she will forever be my best friend, and this network is something that we have bonded over and connected with for years since 2016. Happy birthday, Jess.

Oh, you want you. Lead on me. When you're not strong, I'll be a friend. I'll help you carry on. Yes, and that maybe that's not the sweetest part. Well, now I need to look at the... This is the portion. Ugh, damn, allergies making my voice all raspy.

If there is a load you have to bear that you can't carry. I'm what? Right up the road, I'll share your load. If you just call me, if you need to call me, yeah, baby, you call me, you call me. I love you, Baddell and I miss my bestie too. I'm sending love out to all you and your besties. We need it. Reach out to your bestie.

I haven't talked to them in a minute. Go tell them you said hi and that you love them and that you miss them. This is the time to do it. I love you guys. Thank you so much for your shoutouts. And yeah, that was the only shoutout. And other people wrote in, but that was, you know, I wanted to make sure that we got this birthday shoutout out there.

And I want to give big ups to Aaron who wrote back in about dead boy detectives and said that now hashtag Netflix cancels is talking about possibly bringing back dead boy detectives, which I need to check out. I've got to check it out. I got to put down my reality for just a moment and check it out. And thank you so much, Aaron, for letting us know. and thank you guys so much for sending in your emails to page 7 podcast at gmail.com. I hope you have a great rest of your week, but don't worry. We'll be back next week, and I can't wait.

Go save dead boy detectives. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors. You can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to lastpodcastnetwork.com.