Page 7 - Ep. 554: NO SMILING, PAGE 7

Episode Date: October 10, 2024

This week Jackie, Holden, and MJ are gettin' weird and wooly in here as they're talking about the slog disaster that is Joker 2, Ina Garten not telling us enough nuclear secrets in her book, Ariana Grande took a lie detector test and the rumor could be true that she doesn't believe in the moon landing, Megalopolis hit Jackie over the head with it's total insanity, Airheads came out with a scented foot spray to fRiGhTeN aWaY tHe BaD sMeLlS oOOOOoOooOoOOOooOOO!! MJ had a great time at their reunion and went to a real life midwest MALL! Dua Lipa is a fucking monster who drinks Diet Coke with Pickle Juice and Jalapeños, which gives MJ a flashback to Lindsey Lohan's disgusting as it sounds Pepsi and milk combo "Pilk", MomTok rises from the ashes of Kolob as SLoMM gets a second season over at Hulu, Holden shouts out Dick's Last Resort, a concept which makes MJ and Jackie want to cry at the thought of what would be said to them, Celine Dion teams up with the NFL for a Sunday Night Football promo and Spirit Halloween forces Jackie to process her HAWK TUAH ANGER due to their release of Hawk Tuah costumes, and in Celebrity Conspiracy Corner: Was Taylor Swift Murdered by her EVIL TWIN!?!?! On The List - Times Actors were so desperate for a role they begged, bargained and PLEADED! The Blindz and more on this week's Page 7. Stay safe out there! Want even more Page 7? Support us on Patreon! Patreon.com/Page7Podcast  Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Here I am. Rock you like a hurricane. Here I am. Rock you like a hurricane. That was the theme song of my very, very, very bad high school's mascot, the hurricanes, which maybe they want to change it after this. They might have to. That was your Florida high school's mascot.

We were the hurricanes. Florida high school dance people. Here I am. And you're just like, I understand. After last Saturday's events, I thought you were going to start

more like something like this. Forget your troubles. Come on. Get happy. I just can't even possibly think about Joker 2. I can't think about it again. Honestly, Holden, I wouldn't have quoted that because I wouldn't have remembered anything from Joker 2

because I've thrown it out of my brain's face. Yeah, just make it... No, I think you actually need to make it slower and more boring. It was slow, it was boring scene and then slow, song, song, no choreography. We're not talking about Joker 2 right now. Not yet. We're not out the gate with Joker 2. We're setting the scene here, okay?

need the listeners to know first and foremost, if you are in Florida or in that area, we love you and we are sending love to you. We're recording this on Tuesday. Right now, everything is just very scary. And, uh, oh, it's scary, man. Oh, this is a scary one. Oh, it's a one two punch. Oh, it's a scary one. And of course, anyone who knows anything about the Zabrowski's knows they're from Florida. So this is a particularly scary time for Jackie. And so we got ourselves a good old weird one coming at you. I'm going to read it. Oh, it's a weird one. I'm going to read. Am I currently, do I currently have tears in my eyes? Yes, I do. It's going to be an insane episode, everybody. The goal is to make Jackie laugh through it today despite the

stress and, no, no laughter, just a slowly, plottingly sung song for no reason. And then a boring scene in a courtroom. And then guess what, M.J. It's another insanely slow. I don't want you to tell me any more about the Joker, too. I know that it is our job to talk about things on this show, but you've already told me enough. What you told me before we started recording, I don't need to know. So long. I never get to see movies in the theater ever again. It was worse movie theater experience than Tenet.

And that's saying a lot. That is saying a lot. It wasn't, well, we'll talk about it. We'll talk about it. I need people to know that Jackie's subject line for this week's page seven email, which she sends out and which she sends out the article. The subject line she wrote was, no mudang, no Pesto, no smiling, page seven. And finally, at least you, I'm so happy you guys could get with me on that.

Because seriously, Pesto, we're seriously going to be like, oh, it's a big penguin. I need bigger than the other penguins. Joker 2 is not it. Okay, strapped tea and tea to its stomach. I'm going to stop you right there. We're not talking about anything. Oh, okay, here, how about this, Jackie? This morning, I purchased.

I purchased and began listening to Ina Garten's memoir. And if you want the soothing, dulcet tones of the same lady. Does she read her own memoir? You bet she does. Oh, if you like her when she's telling you how to lube up a chicken, you'll love her when she's telling you about her overbearing parents. Oh my God. And she's going to talk to me about Jeffrey, but in my ears?

And she's going to just, she's going to refer to him as Jeffrey Garten because they met before they were married. And he was just a cute boy at Dartmouth. Oh, you'll love it. She talks about her job in the Office of Management and Budget in the White House. You'll love it. I mean, that part I might sleep through, but the rest of it sounds really, really great. For me, it was thrilling. I was like, say more about your job writing nuclear policy proposals. But it is out and it is... Be ready when the luck happens, MJ. Be ready when the luck happens. I really alternated between being like, this is so boring. I can't believe it was written. and being like, wow, gufaha. Because I just thought, I thought she was just like a born

and raised Hampton's bitch. But no, no, this was a luck opportunity that she was ready for when it happened. But she also was, you know, very well raised, I imagine, to be able to get to the places. Overbearing, though. Overbearing.

That's difficult. Upset. It's difficult. Upset. She's very upset about her childhood. And so we see a different side to her. I really, you know, you watch your show

and you think that the woman has never experienced anything beyond a very specific range of emotions. And it turns out there's been high of lows. They're all very soothing. And hopefully she will tell us about them in the memoir. Yes. So that will, if you need some help for the next few days, as just terror rains down upon us and specifically your home state,

you should listen to Sweet Ina tell us about her courtship with Jeffrey. I think that I need it this week. And I think you're so correct. in telling me that that's what I need to be listening to. Why am I not listening to right now? I feel like I got to go. I think that now like whenever I start to like really spiral, I just like, where's my Ina? Where's my Ina? And someone just like, you got to get the earbuds into my ears so that I can be pacified. So now everyone knows the secret. Yes. It's like zanny for your ears. It really is. I need it. Because I know that my brain is being

wayward this week, especially when I watch a video of Ariana Grande, and I think that she's being so charming. I love her. I take back everything I said last week. I'm loving her. It's like watching an AI video of like someone you love, you know what I mean? You're like seeing it. You're like, oh, that's my brother, but you know what I mean?

It's not. Wait, it's not your brother. My brother is the robot? I'm saying it's as if an AI video was made of a loved one. Yeah, it's uncanny. I don't think. I actually think this is the most human she's ever seemed. Yes, that's true.

We're talking about Ariana Grande was hooked up to a lie detector test. I think this was like a buzzfeed thing. They think it was Cynthia Revo. The Vanity Fair thing. Or Vanity Fair, yes. And so they were asking each other, like, you know, it's all Zady and they're hooked up to lie detectors because it's like they want to find out what they really think about things. And for some reason, Ariana Grande's got a little wonk. when she asked if she thought that the moon landing was fake.

And so it seemed like on the lie detector test that maybe she doesn't believe that the moon landing happened. And she kind of freaked out about it. She's like, no, everybody's going to think that I don't think that the moon landing is real. And I do think that the moon landing is real. And she just, I think it's very cute. It's so cute. And the funniest thing that she says is she's like, now everybody's going to think this. And, you know, I'm from Florida.

So it's like, out right now, MJ, out. Right now. Okay, yes, right now. We're sending our love to Florida. We got to pick up all the fences. Pick up all the fences. We're sending our love to Florida. I don't know.

We've got to build our defenses. Don't worry, Florida. If you make it through this, we'll build that wall. No. Don't worry. What? No. I'm just trying to sing to.

them what'll give them hope. No. It's not a wall against people out. It's the one thing. It's a well against water. Yes, absolutely. Exactly. We need to build such a wall that it blocks entire, you know,

storms coming in from Mexico. You know what I mean? Yeah. Some say maybe we should just like turn Florida into like a prison state. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like if you put some barbed wire on the top, then it's like, well, it helps and it keeps you protected.

You know what I mean? First they sent the people into our country. Now they're sending it hurricane. I mean, come on, I know Democrats can control the weather. Oh, is this the conspiracy theory? Marjorie the trash heap thinks that Democrats control the weather. That humans control the weather. And it's actually a little bit more coded.

You know what? I think she means to say Jews control the weather. Let's be real here. Let's be honest. That's what she really wants to say. That's where we're at these days. Yes, that is what she believes. This is what we need.

Anyway, moving on. Wow, we got a weird one. It's a wild and woolly one. one out here today. I told everybody it will be weird. I want everyone to know that it's weird, not out of disrespect, but out of sadness. And respect. And respect. Now I like Ariana Grande. So you can chew on that, Holden. It's troubling me a little bit right now because she's also now Brat. I don't know if you saw, but she is one of the featured artists on Charlie XTX's like remix album where every song has a guest on it. She's on one of them. Yeah, you can see about that

too, Holden. Well, and she wore like a, a, green like brat dress. So, you know, it is what it is. I guess I have to like slightly dislike her less. You've been on that slightly disliking her less train for a while. I just think that this video, she is so funny. She's a mad eater. Yeah, that's how she gets in.

She's like, wow, that funny girl over there is stealing my husband for me in front of me. Yeah. She's so funny, though, about the moon landing that they're leaving me with. with my child alone in this darkened room. Yeah, no. She's- Smile on, come on. Get happy.

Yeah, no, it turns out Joker 2 and Megalopolis in one weekend didn't fix my sad. Is that why your head is so bad today? That is not the natural disaster. It is those two movies back to back. That, no. Jokeropolis, the perfect response to Barbenheimer

from last year. It is the absolute dystopian reality we're now in. It's just horrible. They're both apparently so. But I haven't seen Megalopolis. I think I have to watch that. I have to pause that. I have to sit at home and be able to pause that.

We laughed a lot in the theater at least. So there was a lot of laughter in the theater. And was it a community laughter too? It was community. Yes. There was only six people in the theater. And all of us had a blast while we watched it. And we were like trading facts while we were watching it.

It was really great. It was like a pop-up video, but in a movie theater. How much of his own money? How much he had to sell the vineyard for this movie? Sorry, that's talking TV zone, and I'll get all into that. It is pop-culturally going on. We can at least acknowledge the fact that outside of actually watching the movies and talking about them, a phenomenon right now is like box offices are on fire.

like a figurative hurricane has hit box offices over the past couple weeks between the fucking phenomenal failure that is Joker 2 and Megalopoulos. You know, the strikes and how much wasn't shot during the strikes and how there's just not as much ready to go and not as much content coming out or projects that like, well, now we can get this sold and we can get this popped out here. And so I think that it's a lot of like filler and things like that and things that maybe we would have never seen. And now we have to see it. Not have to see it. But I have to see it. Because if something like Megalopolis exists, how do I not go and see it if you're obsessed with going to movie theater? Yeah, yeah.

You've got to. And so I feel like it's like we're going through some sort of like, I don't know, like a hell on earth or is it a purgatory on earth. Like I don't know what it is exactly that we're experiencing right now. But what I do know is you got to put all your cares away, old. And come on and get happy. And that's why I included, yes, this is the story I'm going to next. Airheads launched a Halloween-inspired foot spray. This is what I'm going to talk about right now.

As someone that I ate, airheads until my stomach hurt yesterday. Yes, you know. I love airheads. Yeah, airheads are fantastic. Oh, so good. I can still pack away so many airheads, but this I don't know if I can follow them into this kind of dark. Now, for some reason, I think it is, I mean, we know the reason. It's a little bit of PR.

And does it make me want to eat airheads weirdly, yes. Even though I don't want to eat this foot spray that's supposed to, quote, frighten away the bad smells. But I think it just makes your feet smell like airheads. So it is called smell my feet. So, you know, it's cute because trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat. That's why it's a little play on something that nobody ever wanted or needed. Yeah, but I'm going to spray this fucking thing wherever I want to, MJ. You don't have to spray it on me.

You know what I mean? The deep state along with Pesto are in some weird kind of in, you know, operation to control me. I'll spray the foot spray on my elbows. I'll spray it on my knees. I don't like a spray that tells me exactly where to spray it. Could you imagine? Or it's just like only spray it on, you know, the tops of coffee tables. Go fuck yourself.

Actually, I think this is more your speed because apparently Helmins has also released a mayo-inspired fragrance, Holden. So that's more of what you're looking for. Yeah. That is so, see, give me the airhead spray. I was thinking about because over the weekend I went back home to my lovely hometown of Dubuque, Iowa, and I was in the mall. How did it go? How was your high school reunion, MJ? It was great. It was great. I had this really sweet moment with a basketball player who was like, I always wished I had done theater like you did. And I was like I had done basketball like you did. It was very lovely. And I saw like my four best friends from high school. It kind of sounds like high school musical a little bit. It was a bit like high school musical. And it actually was so. like so much like in high school, I was totally sober and my friends and I would just hang out

until like three in the morning just chatting. And that was exactly what we did all weekend. So Gideon kept texting me like, how are you? How are you? How do you feel? Like, because, you know, usually when I was on tour, I'd be like, you know, we weren't getting shlamered, but it was like, yeah, sometimes I would be sleeping in because we had partied late or whatever. And this time I was just like, I feel fantastic. We've just been soberly chatting. We've just been soberly chatting. Oh, that's wonderful. It was wonderful. Soberly chatting with MJ, your new podcast. coming out soon. Yeah, we just talk about everything.

That's great. It was great. But I was in the mall. I went to the mall. I made all my friends drive me to the mall just like old times because I miss a mall. Hell, yeah. What was the first thing you do at the mall, MJ? The first thing was we got a pretzel because, of course, that was what we did in high school.

Hell, yeah. And then we went to all the new stores. We were like, there's a home goods in the mall. La-di-da. You know, it was like that. Small town. We did that. It's very small town.

But then what made me think of the smell my feet airheads was that the Spencer Gifts is still there. And I was sure that Spencer Gifts had gone out of this. Still rocking, dude. Oh, yeah. Thank God. Oh, yeah. Still full up, too. It's always, I feel like there's always people inside.

I mean, it's a mainstay. You go to the hot topic, you hit the Spencers. You got to go buy your, you know, penis spaghetti or whatever you get at your Spence. Well, we still don't have a hot topic. We always had to drive to Davenport for the hot topic. You don't have a hot topic? Never had a hot topic. This was, I was so angsty.

You know, we had to drive to the Quad Cities for the hot topic. I had to drive to the Quad Cities to see Fahrenheit 9-11 also. It didn't come to Dubuque. I always hated it. My mall was too fancy to the one near me. It was just, it's a little fancy. And it's gotten even fancier. And yeah, they wouldn't have like a hot topic or anything like.

Oh, interesting. Yeah, no, mine's not. This ball is not fancy. It's the opposite. They had an, you know, it was Abercrombie and Godiva store. and nature. What was the nature store, right? Wasn't there a nature?

That's just when you go outside. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I mean, I'm talking, we got a Dix. Whoa. There's a Dix at the mall. Yeah, yeah. Not Dix Last Resort, which also shoutouts to the restaurant where they're purposely rude to you with the condom hats.

Shoutouts to that plate. You guys don't remember Dix Last Resort? No. Oh, man, you got to go to Mertl Beach and talk shit to it. Diggs Last Resort. Or it's literally a restaurant where they're rude to you on purpose. I remember Eddie loved that. There was the weiner circle that was also,

I think it was in Chicago where they're rude to you. You got to like yell at the people. I'm just going to burst into tears. Right. You know, I know. I can't. Bring Jackie and I there and film it and watch us fall apart psychologically. Right.

Why are you doing this? We're paying for the food. And they take these big white paper bags and roll up the bottom of them and like tighten up the top of them. They look like condoms and they put them right mean messages and put them on your head. Why? I can't tell if you're joking or not.

No, Dix Lester short is awesome, dude. They just are mean to you and it's great. I don't want that. Absolutely. It's super fun. Horrific. Sounds like my nightmare.

Although, you're going to be mean back. You're just like, hey, fuck face. I want a soda. I want you to piss in it. They're like, sure. Why do you want to be mean to somebody

that's going to give you foods? Because what you're going through right now, you don't want to go into a place right now and scream at someone. I want them to hold me while I cry about losing my childhood home and I want to eat hot dogs. That's finger blast Franks. Oh, gotcha. Right next door.

They only serve soup. Great. Yeah, they'll hold you and then obviously if you. You have to eat the soup with the fingers you blasted with? That's the thing. Well, it makes it taste better. I'll tell you that much. Yeah, I get that.

Man, honestly, licking your finger and sticking it into something and sucking it off your finger, isn't it the best way to eat something? Absolutely. I think it just disgusted myself. We should have a restaurant where people hold you so you can cry. No utensils. Yeah, there's people hold you while you cry and there's no utensils with your hands. That's just medieval times.

Come on. That's just, you know, hanging out late at the medieval times. Hello, Ed Larson and Amber Nelson from the brighter side here to check in with you. See how you're doing. Is your day more disappointing than a gas station sandwich? Are you trying to put one foot in front of the other in a glue factory? Did you try to throw your air fry? in the bathtub, but nothing happened because you were too lazy to plug it in first.

Then the brighter side podcast is for you. Oh yeah! Each week we take nasty, dooky, stupid, dumb. Stinky, no good, doo-do factory. Caca-like topics and try to find the brighter side. Hey, Amber, what's the brighter side of waking up chain to a bed in Russia? Um, at least they have free health care. That's right.

So start your weekend off right every Friday with the brighter side on the last podcast network. You beautiful babies. But something that does, I would have to say that it disgusts me, but I don't know if it does. Duolipa's viral Diet Coke with pickle juice, but also with jalapeno's. Yeah. How are we feeling about it? I love it. It's the opposite of Lindsay Lohan's Pilk.

Remember that? Pepsi and milk. Oh, God. Yeah. I don't know why you remember Pilk. I think I got rid of Pilk a long time ago in the recesses of my brain. But yeah, I guess it hasn't, it's definitely not in that brain space with Lilo, I will say. It was because I saw Duolipa add the pickle juice into the Coke.

And I was like, where else have I seen somebody add something unexpected to Coke? And I was like, oh, Pilk. Pepsi and milk, which I think she said was like a holiday drink. Obviously, MJ. Yeah, you know, you're around the, you know, bush or whatever, and then you drink all your milk with your soda. I don't know if I need any reason to drink more milk. Why am I going to put soda in it? Right.

But I guess this comes from a milk enthusiast. But you do need more reason to drink pickle juice. And think about it. You're hungover. You want, because, you know, a Coke is really good when you're hungover. And I know that she's doing a diet, but I do a regular Coke. But if you're hungover and you're like, ooh, the soothing. tummy medicine of a good old fashioned can of Coke.

And then you put pickle juice in it, which is also good when you're hungover. I just feel like it's genius. Yeah. I would definitely try it as a hungover little treat for sure because there's nothing like it. I never drink soda, but if I'm hungover, man, having a nice cold, like a fountain soda, I feel like it zaps your brain back to life. It's like a form of magic. I just don't quite understand.

And maybe is this what Duolipa? I'm going to say, I don't think Duolipa wakes up very, like, disgusting most mornings. She seems like she's pretty put together. Seems pretty regimented. I'm not really offended by the pickle juice or the pepper as much as I'm just, Lexi loves, like, spicy margaritas. I'm not in that camp. I really don't like, like, a spicy cocktail or whatever.

So I think that that's what would stop me from this. But, like, I'm, like, not grossed out by it at all. You know what I mean? It's more of it to each of their own. And I'm just not, like, a spicy cold beverage person. Do you like a pickleback? Love a pickle bag. Okay.

That's why, like, even the pickle juice, I'd maybe almost just try it with just the pickle juice, but the part where it's spicy. I just don't like a spicy cold drink. And I just have never have. And, like, Lexi gets them all the time. So I try them all the time. Like, because we always do the thing where you order the cocktails. and then you take a sip and you go,

you want to try mine? And then we hand each other our $25 beverage. God. That we, you know, and we take a sip and go, ooh, this was so worth $25. Oh, God. And then we hand it back, you know what I mean? Except it sounds like you sip hers

and then you go, I don't like this, Lexi. Yuck, I'm wasting your $25 drink. This is a real fucking pesto, the hopefully soon-to-be-exploding penguin. You know, because we strapped a bunch of T&T. Oh, we don't talk about. This is the day. Hold on,

you're being very selfish right now to make people feel better. To make people feel better. To make me feel better. I get it. For once. You need to make me feel better, okay? You have one job.

So it's not exploding Pesto. It's keeping Pesto safe. Yes, you have one job today. So don't like drill a hole in new days. No. No, fuck. No, you're bad. You're bad at it.

I'm about to kick you off this show today, Holden. You're about to get spank today, Holden. And not in a fun way. And only in a bad way. But I like to be spanked in a bad way. Well, don't worry. Mom Talk did survive this, guys. MomTat.

Lives of Mormon Wives. Mom Tuck has survived this. It has been renewed at Hulu. Thank God. Thank God. They pray you, I guess. I have a reason to make it until spring 2025 when Secret Lives of Mormon Wives

returned. Do you know how many people I brought up Secret Lives of Mormon Wives to at my high school reunion? I was just singing. It's praise. Had anyone watched it yet? Nobody watched it?

Nobody watched it? Absolutely no one. No one. But I was still talking about it. I also brought up Milk Manor a couple times, forgot that that wasn't the crowd for that either. Right. No, you're bringing it to them, MJ. They should be thanking you for uncovering their eyes to this beautiful scape that we now can frolic amongst.

It's also just like, what do they do, by the way? they do read like books about history like is that what they do? No, well one of my friends actually is obsessed with k-dramas, k-dramas. That's a good lane. Yeah. That's a good lane. That's a good lane. It does look fun. That's Jake. That's Jake Young's lane. Yeah. He and his lady watch a lot of K-dramas. No, so that was, they're all watching fun stuff. They're just not watching this particular fun stuff, but a lot of them were like, yeah, like when I was talking with my friends about real housewives and they were like, well, I don't really like real housewives except real housewives of Salt Lake City. And I was like, ladies, if you love crazy Mormons, I've got the best crazy Mormons for you.

You see, this is what we proselytize. I don't want to be screaming any other praises just of what, like, you need to have singed into the back of your brain. So they got a renewal for a whole batch of new episodes coming in the spring, and they put out a couple of little promos, but the couple of big question marks coming out, a couple of big news stories. Yes, is it a slow celebrity news time right now? Absolutely. Oh, is there a huge trial going on and everything is about that and all the horrific things that are coming out. But yeah, we don't want to talk about. Even more daunting election going on that everything is about. We're not talking about it

here. Giant human trafficking ring or election. We don't want to really touch either of them. But what we do want to talk about, Whitney from Secret Lives and Mormon Wives says her husband's not gay, okay? And stop saying he is gay because they fuck. And yes, they definitely, definitely. have sex. Did you not see the children? So they've definitely had sex at least three times. So get off her back. Yeah, he just has to go into another room and watch special videos that she's never seen before because he doesn't want her to, like, ruin it for her.

How, like, he's watching definitely other women have sex before they have sex and definitely not anything else. You know what I mean? She's like, stop calling my husband gay. He's not gay. And then the other big news is, where's Jen Affleck? Where is Jen Affleck? Where is Jen? She's not in the Instagram promo post that they all made.

It was like a little like, we're back. And it was each bitch except for Jen and also except for Whitney. But we all know Whitney's going to insert herself into it. Come on now. Yeah. She's not going on the circuit. Again, screaming into the nothing about how not gay her husband is. So you know that she's going to be in the next season.

Yeah. He is, I think gayer. I think he's more gay than the other one somehow. But Jen Affleck, the one with the abusive husband. Yes. has been like a little bit laying low since her abusive husband moved her out of Utah to New York and said, I don't care about your career, even though she's the one who makes the money in the family.

She's the one that makes all the money. Yeah. But she, the news story today on People.com was that she's back in Utah. Okay, so hopefully she's going to be part of season two. God help us. I mean, she's got to. Mom Talk's got to survive this, dude. How is Bobtok going to survive this if she doesn't come back?

get our annoying videos of people dancing without mom talk. How are we going to get them on TikTok without mom talk? They're the only people being obnoxious, dancing in groups, and that's weird. That's hypnotizing the world. And I've never understood it. I was going to say that we need them, but I want you, hey phone, I'm going to scream towards my phone right now. Hey, phone.

I don't want any mom talk videos. No mom talk videos. No mom. Because you say mom talk in front of the phone. Jackie's phone. She is clearly in denial. She definitely wants mom talk videos. She definitely wants it. I'm glad I'm plugged in right now. No. And something else we definitely want. The collab we definitely have been screaming for, Celine Dion and Sunday Night Football. This was such a weird promo that I had to bring it up. I saw it in the wild. And I was like, what the hell is going on right now? You saw it in the wild like you were watching football? Or you just saw it.

like it was on, I was in a barred football was on in the background. And I said, I was like, is that Celine Dion? You're like, everybody shut up for a second. I need to see that. Yeah. We were out for Eddie's birthday. And I was like, wait a second. So Celine Dion did a, it's all coming back collab for a new NFL promo. And I just, I'm so, you know, so happy for her. I'm so proud of her. She said that she was going to sing again and she's doing it. Is she? But at least she's trying to get out there. She's trying to do what she can.

I just don't know. I mean, I know because the answer is she probably got paid a lot of money to do it. But I just find that it's a curious little audience that they're going after because they're already doing it with WIS. Yes, we know. Taylor Swift went to the game over the weekend. Who gives a shit? How dare you? And I think the NFL is really trying to lose.

mean into the whole like, but we could. What if guys, what if we tried more to get women to watch? And they're like, oh, I don't know, Celine Dion, maybe Celine Dion will do it. Like, I feel like, is that what's happening? This one was a head scratcher for me as well because I was like, what demographic are they appealing to? Women, dude, with T. With T.

Swift, it started it. That's what they needed. They needed the ladies. I understand the T-Swift appeal to women, especially like, like, like, I don't mean to make any generalizations about who watches football. But I think that it's fair to like the Taylor Swift demographic, probably a lot of those people have husbands who also like NFL. I say that with zero judgment.

It just seems like we know from the past six months that it's a sizable overlap. Yeah, but there's all these cute videos. We needed the widows, dude. We got to bring the widows in. Do we think it's old widows who like Celine Dian? I feel like it's queers who like Celine Dion. That's the Celine Dion contingent. I feel like it's millennial queers who love Celine Dion.

And so I, maybe that's just because I spent the weekend in my hometown singing. It's all coming back to me now. So I was like, what, who is this for? But I guess you're right. Elders. Me? Yeah. And like that's not going to get me to watch.

And women with dead husbands who kept their office exactly the way it was when they died and they have the big sporting jersey on the wall. And they go like, I remember. but when he watched football. Are you calling me out right now because I watched Golden Bachelorette at 7 o'clock this morning because I feel very called out right now. Sad men.

I'm, I mean, I got to turn my back on what you guys are picking for me to watch at this point. I'm not watching these sad men anymore. It's too sad. Mom talk survived it, and I'm more upset about it because we just had everybody's husband is either secretly gay or abusive.

It's a sad situation. That is not what happens on Golden Bachelorette. And that's why Golden Bachelorette is beautiful. They're good men. They all have glassy eyes. They all have dogs eyes. No, they do. They all have all sobbing.

Yes, they do. They all have dogs eyes. You know how dogs eyes are extremely wet. You don't understand. They take their precious minutes with Joan. They have precious minutes with Joan. And what do they do? They go up to her and they talk about their dead wives.

No, they trauma dump. They process their trees. And yeah, yeah. They trauma bonds. And she's like, my husband's dad too. You're traumatized. Your husband's dead. My wife's dead.

But that's not what is happening with Celine Dion. Celine Dion is celebrating life. She is celebrating the fact that she can do this commercial where, yes, maybe she's not singing live on the commercial. And maybe they're just using her song. But in the end, she does have Gatorade dumped all over her. It's a great ad. And that's silly fun. It's a great ad.

And it is, again, the ad centers on it's all coming back to me now, which is, of course of Celendia and greatest hits. And it's the premise is like, yeah, we all remember football. And I'm like, do we? Like, do we remember individual games like memories? But I guess probably people do. And I, listen, I know, hey, I've always wanted to be a football boy. I think they do remember like the different games and the points and things. I look upon sports football people with a little bit of jealousy because it is we actually, there was a couple years in my life where we watched football every Sunday and it was great. You know, again, we love the snacks, we love the beer, we love the gathering.

The singing. I really enjoyed going and having a ritual on Sundays. I do like the idea of going and watching football with other people and have it be like, then you have a little like built-in party every Sunday. That's great. Yes, absolutely. It looks absolutely like a delightful tradition for family. to hold. I just, I just want to, I just want a little camera to go in to a little sample of

different living rooms in America. And, and I want to see when this leaned Dion, it's all coming back to me now, ad came on. I want to see who in the group leapt off the couch and started screaming. You know, how old were they? What was their gender? Even the, even the ad acknowledges like, she's like, just work with me on this. It's just, it is cute. It's a very, it's a cute and effective ad, just like Ariana's lie detector test is cute and effective. Right. I'm loving everybody today. But I feel like,

you know, Ariana is, can be both things, extremely to the depths of her core evil and really like fun to hang out with like at a cocktail bar. Yeah. And that's kind of kind of what I just get from that. You know what I mean? Because that's how she, that's how she seduces these, you know, um, you know, fathers, I'll say. you know, fathers and, and, uh, think just the one father, but, you know, maybe you're, maybe you can see forward into a future that we just can't realize yet. And so, and again, I want to remind everybody, SpongeBob in this movie is like a monkey man that falls in love with Ariana Grande's character. Don't worry about it. I mean, are we all going to like love that as the weird, the weird context of the real life story? Are we go, or are we going to love it? More. It depends on how you feel about the situation. Have we seen a picture of him in the movie yet?

Yeah, he's in, there's this like, he's in the trailer. He's in also for a moment they do this like, now there's like a wicked like turn off your phone. Make sure you don't talk during the movie. They've got like a bunch of different clips from wicked telling people to shut off their phones. So he's more featured in that. He's cuter in the preview than he is. He's cuter in the movie. He's cuter in the movie. I see. He's not a monkey. He's not like a... No, he's human. He's not one of the flying monkeys from Wizard of Vaz. Right. That's what I thought of him. I thought he was going to be like a little... Like, I'm in love with you. A little dodge. He's just like, oh, you know, I sing a song about it. I think a song. I really hope Wicked is really good. I know that I shouldn't hold it up on a pedestal. I know I shouldn't. But I want it to be good so badly. I'm just, I'm already upset. set because I feel like it's going to hurt my feelings. After Joker 2, I have to see

a decent musical in the theater because it's starting to kill my love for musicals because like Wonka made me sad about musicals as well. Yeah. And I just at least it makes you realize, hey, it's hard to pull off. It's hard to do a good musical. You know, I

believe it now because originally I thought it was easy. You just sing a song about Tuesday and page seven you know, with the sad men and the gay You make it seem so easy. Right. And it's so easy, right?

And everyone loves it because you're singing a song, you know? It's like a cheat code. But no, come to think of it, you know, you really have to, like, put some real effort in there. So I'm hopeful, too, that the monkey man and the witch lady fall in love to song and we believe in something new. And maybe it'll change how I feel about Ariana. And I just, you know, and maybe she is Brad. It's also confident as a musical. I think that was a problem with these other musicals that they were like, we're in,

musicals. A hundred percent. I was going to say the same thing. I feel like Wicked is like basically, even though I still consider Wicked like a new musical in my head, I feel like it is a complete standard at this point, right? Like it is well established and beloved

in the musical theater community. Whereas Willi Wanka, the musical or whatever, is, you know, I'm not that they shouldn't make new musicals, but I feel like just, I think that if anything,

the hard thing for Wicked is that so many musical theater people have such a deep, and profound love for it, Jackie, I will get you, that it's going to be, it has something to live up to. Oh, it has a lot to live up to. Right. This is, it's all, I know, you know, like, I'm looking at it far off with binoculars and I'm just like, Jackie, don't set yourself up for failure.

Don't be so excited about this movie, but then I start watching the trailer and I'm like, oh, but what if it's good, but what if it's really good? And I, um, I'm going to probably set myself up for failure. But I'm okay with that because sometimes the heart has to hurt, guys. Yeah. Because it's how you grow. The heart wants what it wants. And it's how you learn.

It wants what it wants. Yeah. And does the heart want a hawk toa costume? I'm not quite sure because I am. I don't, I know that I shouldn't have a lot of feelings about the hawk to a girl. Because I should, I should leave my bitterness at the doorstep because she's got now a full podcast deal because she, hawk toad on a fake dick during an interview

definitely feeling some of the animosity I should say God bless I should say God bless but this is where I'm like but now all right Spirit Halloween is selling a jump like a like for like men

and women guys there's a jump suit that just says like Hawk Tua on it it's just weird because she doesn't really have an outfit And if she does, it's not a jumpsuit. So it's hard to make a Halloween costume out of it. It would be like a Nashville Bachelorette outfit.

It would be the outfit, right? Yeah, exactly. She just dresses like a girl at a Nashville bachelorette party. Yeah, the logo says Hawk Tua Express, lubrication experts, spit on that thing. There you go. Okay, so they did put spit on that thing on there. She got some good money on that. I've never seen someone, besides maybe cash me outside, girl,

I've never seen someone spin like a single moment into a career so hard, so fast. It's why I should say God bless it. You know, I should be like, wow, go for you, girl. I mean, you're doing it. And you're actually running. Yeah, she got to talk to a podcast and everything. Yes. I had that moment with, you know, I know it's always been like, I had a, I had, I finally

had that crowdwork moment where I was watching like a fucking crowdwork clip. And I was like, what the fuck is this anymore? This is nothing. This is not comedy. It's nothing. It's so cheap. And it was like, I mean, it's the same guy everybody shits on. I don't even need to say his name.

But he's like, in the, he's like talking shit to the audience. He's just being rude to the audience. He's being rude to this lady who has this like head wrap on. And he's like, you know, blah, blah. And he's like, what's your deal? And she's like, I've got cancer. And everyone's like, aw. And he's like, oh, shit.

You have. And then it's like, oh, wow. This jerk guy actually is a really big heart. Look at him. Be all concerned for the woman. and the, oh, shit, I don't know your fucking cancer. With stage, stage four. Oh, fuck, man.

And I'm just like, what is this? Yeah. This is devoid? I'm trying to roll with all, like, comedy changes, blah, blah, blah, blah. But I'm, I get to a point. I'm like, no, no, no, this is the Gallagher of comic. Like, this is our modern version of the watermelon smash. It is just this gimmick, lazy, just devoid of anything worthwhile.

And I feel like I can get to that a little bit with Hawk Tua, but I got to respect the hustle on both of those fuckers. But can everyone stop falling for this fucking shit? I think it's funny. What is wrong with you people? I think Hock Tua specifically is, yeah, she's just some lady talking to no, like, she wasn't even, it was other YouTubers interviewing her. Like, so she was just, you know, totally catapulted to this. And I think it's funny maybe that, you know, we could have taken any random thing that Jackie ever said on Roundtable. and if that had gone viral

and then you launched a whole career off of, you know, how to do it's just a funny thing she said. It was very funny at first. I just think, I think it actually is nice. At least she's come out and was like, I've never asked to be famous.

I never had, like, I know that everyone is like hating on me and stuff. But I can't hate it. I just feel like, like, and I'm not, that's why like my ire is not towards her.

Yeah. That is, like any of my bitterness really isn't about her as a human being. It's just more about like, man, But good on her, because this could have just been a flash in the pan, whatever. But, like, good for her that she's really running with it and actually trying to make something of this.

I guess, like, you think that how many times this has happened and it does just go in the trash and you never hear about these people ever again. So I should be happy for her. And we should support her. She's funny. I only have a disdain for the audience that consumes it. Same with the audience that consumes Mom Talk Dance videos, and same the audience that can't get enough of them. Don't listen to the phone, Jackie's phone.

All right, we're not going to be one of those people that start watching Mom Talk. And a crowdwork, Jackie's phone, crowdwork, crowdwork, crowdwork, Jackie's phone, crowdwork. No, not crowdwork either. I get so many crowdwork videos in my feed. It's so, why are people entertained by it? Why do people go to stand-up shows?

My biggest fear is being talked to by a comedian. Still. Oh, I hate it. I hate it. Don't talk to me. It was the whole thing with the Matt Reif. video where it's just like he's like kind of he's like rude and you're scared of him and then he shows he has a hot and he's sad I don't want to ever have someone being rude at me I don't want to

for someone to be rude to me I don't want to go viral when they're rude to me I don't want it's it's yeah it's um I'm sorry I know it's lame to hear podcasters and comedians complain about crowd work stuff because that's what they all do now but I finally had that moment where I was like, no, no, no, actually fuck this. I'm so sick of pretending like this is valuable in our society. Wow. Hawk Tua also created an animal foundation called Cause Across America. Really?

She's honestly, I truly don't have a vindictive bone in my body towards her. She took a single moment in time. Single moment. Such a small thing that like, yes, went viral, but still, it's such a little thing and has immediately spun it into a career in a way that is extremely impressive. But I do have a disdain for the audience, for all of you listening and everybody who enjoys anything at this point. I also feel bad for her because I'm Todd Phillips. Her name has probably never, ever been spelled correctly on the first.

Her name, I never looked at this. Her name is H-A-L-E-Y. Never spelled correctly. That is, can you never ever That's an insane way to spell that name. But Laura Lumer, who is, you know, Laura Lumer is one of Trump's right-hand people and is like an absolute psychopath. And she tweeted that degenerate hawk to a girl is anti-Trump in all capitals. So, you know, put that in the pro-hawk to a column.

All right, guys, all right, we're pro-hawk to a girl. I like her. I think it is, I think the Spirit Halloween costume probably. But like if I was offered a chance, if Spirit Halloween came to me and was like, I'd like to make a Jackie costume and put it in Spirit Halloween. I'd be like, fuck yeah. Yeah. Put it in fucking Spirit Halloween. It's a jumpsuit covered in hot dogs and it says go for a.

Yeah. Please, that sounds delightful. And you're like, this isn't what Jackie looks like. This isn't how she dresses. It doesn't matter. I can't go another minute without talking about Taylor Swift. Hit me with the share. Do you believe it?

Was Taylor Swift murdered by her evil twin? Oh my god. Is it the bitch from the You Belong With Me video? Maybe. You know how she is brown here. So brat. Dear Holden and crew, I heard your plea for more celebrity conspiracies. So here's one that came to me a few months ago while listening to TTPD.

That stands for the tortured poets department if you're needing to know that. And it's a good album or whatever. Was Taylor Swift murdered by her evil twin? Here's the rundown. And Swift's bummer banger down bad. She repeatedly sings the line. Like I lost my twin, which is an oddly specific type of loss to sing about for a singleton. This is the word twins used to talk about non-twins according to TLC.

Did you guys know this? A singleton? Singleton, yeah. Well, I know MJ knows. Yeah, of course. Is it a creative metaphor that speaks to the intense loss one feels during a breakup or is it a confession? But wait, I hear the dissenters saying, if Taylor had a twin, surely we would know. They answer to this lies in the lyrics as well.

That I don't know if she would let us know if she hadn't. That's the thing. She's a mastermind. She explains in who's afraid of little old me. You wouldn't last an hour in the asylum where they raised me. Emphasis mine. Which leads me to the only plausible conclusion. Taylor Swift had a psychopathic twin who was raised in an asylum but always yearn for her sister's limelight.

Sometime around 2015 she broke out of the insane asylum. She was captain, which was miraculously still open, and murdered her sister to take her place. She's been dropping hints in her song lyrics ever since, MJ. Why 2015? That was my exact question. Thank you. Does anyone remember the reason the old Taylor couldn't come to the phone right now and look what you made me do? Why?

She's dead. The real reason it took three years for Swift to release reputation was because she was dealing with intense public scrutiny is because it took that long for evil Taylor, ET, as it's referred to this email, to fully master her impersonation. What else could explain the drastic shift in Swift's appearance and aesthetic? Or the loss of her trademark, Pennsylvania Twang! It wasn't because she was faking it. It's because of this. And the real reason for the re-records is so that

ET can fully embody her sister's career in a race OT, original Taylor. Wow. From existence, no need to double check this timeline. I'm pretty sure it's bulletproof. Need more proof? I'm pretty sure it's bulletproof. Need more Let's go to the lyrics. There's no doubt Swift's writing has gotten more unhinged with time,

describing at times disturbing or downright psychotic tendencies, e.g., I look in people's windows, or I want to brainwash you into loving me forever, or she would have made such a lovely bride with a shame she's fucked in the head. Or I did something bad, then why's it feel so good? Need I see more?

And is she laughing up at us from hell, a nod to the fate of the real Taylor? Whoa. Are you really going to tell me the person who wrote She wears high heels, I wear sneakers. Is the same person who wrote, but I'm a fire and I'll keep your brittle heart warm. If your cascade ocean wave blues come, all these people think loves for show, but I would die for you in secret. Is it growth, the natural wisdom that comes with maturity and experience?

Or is it murder? Whoa. Do you believe? Thank you for reading. Love all of you and all that you do. especially Holden. He's so big. Best wishes, Allison, P.S., please come to Amsterdam.

Pretty sure Allison didn't write that last part. The sign-off part, I think, they did. But I believe, yeah. I believe. Again, we watch a lot of the You Belong With Me at Music Video. Yes. And the bitch in that music video is also Taylor Swift in a brown-haired wig. And how do you feel about that, M.J.?

I feel like you've got a lot of thoughts on having to watch the music video for You Belong with me over and over again. I love it. I like watching music videos with the kids. I highly recommend if you have young kids watch music videos with them. And I like the music video for you belong with me. But it could clearly be about, I mean, even that could have been written by O.T.

Original Taylor about her twins. E.T. About E.T. You know, so I'm definitely sold. I do think that the, I like the explanation that as we get older, it's not that we mature. It's just that we've been replaced by a more evil, version of ourselves. And I also want

Your Honor the record to show that Jackie attempted to try to set up MJ to talk shit about Taylor Swift and her amazing music video for you along with me. No, I wasn't specifically about Taylor Swift. It's just the fact that I can't imagine having to watch a music video over and over and over again. Oh yeah. I mean,

you guys watch music videos every Friday. I feel like I have transported the spirit of Jackin into my home. Yeah. And we watch a lot of music videos and it's so fun. You're going to watch something over and over and over again. So if you can at least try to curate it to be something more palatable as opposed to just like,

you know, lately we're trying to pull winning away from just like videos of people playing with toys, which makes you want to blow my brains out. So we try, you know what I mean? So you have to pull them away from the dark sides of YouTube. You know? And start showing them some

fucking gangster rap, M.J. We're talking California La. We... What? I'm just. I, will say this. If you're going to show your kids music videos, screen them first. Right. Because we exclusively either watch like Taylor Swift or like twisted sister music videos, like or

other like kind of classic rock video kiss. And they're not scary. And then we were with cousins and they were like, oh, can we watch a music video of my favorite song, which was a fallout boy song. And it was so terrifying that all the kids turned screaming and ran out of the room. Oh no. Oh no. So you should screen the music videos first. Well, I was, I didn't, I was like, Fall Out Boy. I remember pop punk band Fall Out Boy. I wasn't expecting it to be like a heist video. I bet these young children would like to see the really good claymation work of tool music videos. So I'm just saying it is, you're going to want to screen him first. But yeah, I do think that Taylor is an evil twin. I can get behind it. All right. There you go. There you

have it. Thank you again. All right. Allison, I appreciate you. Thank you, Allison. And now it's time for the list. Oh, who's on the list? Me, Jackie. Gotta have that list. Times actors were so desperate for a role, they begged, bargained, and pleaded when Margaret Mugwit, Qualley, every time I say her name, I feel like he's a, Margaret Qualley, who is

amazing in the substance, by the way, heard there was a sequel for her favorite movie, Happy Gilmore in the works. She emailed her agents right away saying anything it takes. No part is too small. Please, I have to be a part of this. I beg of you, please, whatever it takes. Apparently, Adam Sandler texted her husband, Jack Antonoff. Jack, oh, it's Sandler.

Does your wife golf at all? And Jack replied, yeah, she's actually really good. In 2024, Margaret told the Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon, what a good husband. I can't golf. He lied for the sake of the family. Never golfed a day in my life. I'm terrible, actually.

Wow, Jack Antenov cameo. I wasn't expecting that to be in Taylor Swift. Right? Well, I forget that they're married. Wow, power couple. Talk about a power couple together. And I hope that, I hope that do you think that

Happy Go More 2 is going to be any good? But are we all going to go see it? Oh, yeah, we got to see it. Yeah, I'll see it. I always say, I wish they were making a sequel to Billy Madison. That's where my heart lies. who would steal a bunch of little kids lunches. Chris Frallie just like laughing and eat at a bunch anyways.

Yeah, Happy Gilmore was never my top Adam Sandler film. But it's still a beloved one. It's still one of the tops. And you eat shits for breakfast and it has a lot of fun lines. And I still have like, I can like feel, I can like go back in my mind to like the movie theater seeing it the first time. Hell yeah. It's, you know, I have it's a core memory. So of course, I'm excited.

I'll tell you what. I liked Hubey Halloween. Wow. So if it's just kind of even on that level of dumb and whatever, I've learned to like enjoy a new modern Sandler. Yeah. And so I will be cool with it as long as it's not like the most. I just,

I doubt it would be this though. The most phoned and like grownups to Jack and Jill. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Kind of thing. But I just don't see it being that because it's,

you know, He has to know of what we require from Happy Gilmore, too. Yeah. And a little bit. I really like this little tidbit just because apparently this is not the first time it's happened. In 2019, Raquel Palmer put up a billboard asking Tyler Perry to cast her in one of her projects. The billboard says, attention, Mr. Perry. Raquel Bailey is your next leading lady.

It's got a huge picture of her. But then Tyler Perry goes onto Instagram and was like, here's the deal. This is not the way to get my attention if you're looking for a role in one of my shows. Please don't do this. Save your money. This is the third time that someone has done this. Please stop. The audition is free.

I'm sure you can use that money for a better purpose. I love that you want to work with me. And I love that you invest in yourself. But when you do things like this, it puts my team on high alert and makes me look at you sideways. I know the message that you want to send is a positive one. But this comes across as the opposite. it. It goes on about him continuing to say, please don't do this. But in 2021, Raquel Palmer ended up playing blue on all the queensmen, which Tyler wrote an executive. Oh, that's nice. I'm happy

for her, but also his response is very measured and like well done. And appropriate. It would be extremely annoying to have that happen to you three times. I, and especially because the guilt he must feel of like, again, you're wasting your money. You're not going to get a role this way. So I appreciate the fact that he put it as plainly as humanly possible. And if people keep doing that, well, I guess that's on you. But that's why you've got to ask like Brendan Fraser did. Brendan Fraser didn't ask producer Bob Ducsay to put him in GI Joe, the rise of cobra.

He, quote, begged. In 2018, he told Rotten Tomatoes, we were in Shanghai shooting nights and doing the chase sequence. Bob Dukseh gets off the phone. Bob produced the other two pictures. He got this big old smile on his face. What have you got to be so happy about? He said, we just got the green light to do Joe from Paramount.

Hey, congratulations, that's great. Good for you. Can I be in it? Please, I wash your dog. I had a GI Joe. He dangled from his parachute strings in a tree one winter. But don't worry, Brendan Fraser did have. have a cameo.

Very good for him. Yeah, that's fine and cute. I support it. It's fine and it's cute, just like Kenjiang. Sensing how important crazy rich Asians was going to be, Kenjiang knew he wanted to be a part of it. So he told director John Chu, look, whether I'm in the movie or not, this is literally the most important Asian American movie since the Joy Luck Club, I will do whatever

you want me to do. So essentially, we do know that he ends up being a part of it. And he booked the role and killed it. So I really enjoyed Crazy Rich Ages. I just loved that he saw it coming down the pipeline. And again, man, I watched the Joy Luck Club. Again, I used to love the movie The Joy Luck Club. And I rewatch it not that long ago.

It really holds the fuck up. Yeah, man, really does. And, oh, David Crumholtz, my love, my Bernard. No, we're not talking about David Crumholtz in the movie, the Santa Claus, where Jackie's a breast. fell in love with Bernard, were talking about David Krummalt's trying to get into the movie

The Fantastic Four. He said, I only met Fantastic Four director Matt Shockman on the strength of a Twitter post or an Instagram post that I took down two hours after I posted it. I was embarrassed.

My post said, I just want to be in the conversation. And it was a picture of the thing. And Matt saw it somehow. And he had a meeting with him and he discussed it. And he said, I've never been so bold

in a meeting before. We're just begging for the role, just straight up selling the shit out of it, the idea of how committed and how passionate I was for it. But unfortunately, in the end, cousin did get. It went to cousin. It went to cousin. And I mean, this is difficult for me and my loins because I'm like, Jackie, who do you want to kiss more? David Krummaltz or cousin? And it's difficult.

I mean, if we're going to go Bernard or cousin, that's, I don't know. I can answer that question of who I'm going to kiss more. Have you ever done anything nutty to try to get a role? Have you ever, like, shown up in costume or something? I've never shown up in costume, but I... Or, like, sucked a guy's dick or whatever? No, but I did do a... I made my own monologue from the movie Twister.

Nice. Starring Helen Hunt. And I did pull from the, you miss this house, you miss that house, it comes right after you. And I took other lines from it and made my... my own monologue from the movie to us. Hell yeah. That is, that's pretty awesome.

That's great. Put you on the list. If you're torn about Eben Moss, I like that we just call him cousin because we're not exactly sure how to say his last name or his first name. Eben Moss Bachrock. You got to see Andor Man

because that'll put the nail in the coffin because he is very... Does you wear a helmet? No, you see his face. Okay, as long as we'll see his face. I want to be seeing them baby blues. Do you see our little bold? ripping through those.

I don't remember a bulge, okay? It's a liberation story, Holden. Okay. We'll liberate that dick, MJ. Yeah, liberate the penis or whatever. Think about the pole vault guy from France. Oh my God, not down the pole. Last but not least,

Helen Muran didn't ask Vin Diesel to be put in the Fast and the Furious franchise. She begged. In 2022, she said, I think I was at some function and he was there and I got introduced to him and I was shameless. Oh, God, I just love to be in one of your movies.

Please let me be in it. And then Vin, with that beautiful, deep voice of his, said, I see. That's very nice. And he did it. That makes me like both of Kalamirin and Vin Diesel. I would fucking love to be in a Fast and Furious. I was also going to ask that.

I was going to ask you guys that, is there a property that you would like go for? Fasten Furious. Please put me in Fasten Furious. I would love to. to be a ridiculous character. Like I want to be in a car that goes into outer space in Fasten the Furious.

Yeah, about family and stuff. A family sticks together, fucks together. You know what I mean? Dr. Dr. Corona. Oh, yeah. I love it. Feel in the light. Yeah, dude, exactly.

I just want to be at the party at the end. But like, who invited that guy? You didn't do anything on this heist. And everyone's having a grill, but it's like, chill. Even though you all just like killed a bunch of people. Wow. But all right, I guess Holden can't see because that was my list.

Whoa. I can't believe you knew that I couldn't see. That's a crazy thing to know. Yeah, I could like, honestly, I did like, I jumped into your brain and then I could see out of your eyes and I was so disgusted with how you saw the world. I keep forgetting. Jumped back into my brain. Page 7.

Audience, you guys got to know this. Jackie is a brain jumper. Yeah. We never ever talked about this. We never get into this. We can jump into other people's brains as long as they're on a Zoom call or in the room. She just chooses not to because she doesn't want to be inside Holden's brain. Thank you.

Oh, it's horrible. And it's because of my power, MJ, like, I don't want to destroy and, like, brutalize my own power just to see out of his disgusting eyeballs, you know? Right. Like, why is there a pole dancing cow with, like, woman legs, you know, do it, like shaking it? Is that the porn that you watched recently? No, it's what's in my head, Matt, Mon. I think I'm going blind. I know.

We can't see them. Welcome to you, the hell of your life. Uh-oh. I feel like this is a public service announcement as much as a blind. Thankfully, this is from the blind. By the way, I don't know about that part. Thankfully, the A-list actor-director is having the horrible tattoo removed. No.

He's not. He can't. He's the phoenix that rises from the ashes. He can. It also seems that J-Lo guys. her tattoo in honor of Ben removed. Lopez got an infinity sign located on her left rib cage with Jennifer written on one end and Ben on the other.

The symbol had an arrow striking through the middle and apparently it is no more. Also to go through that, I know that it was really small, but to go through that level of pain to get a rib tattoo and then to have to get it removed, oh my God, it'd be, pah. But wasn't the Phoenix not specifically about, I mean, he got that like five years ago, right? And it's horrific.

Yeah, I know it's not about J-Lo. Yeah, I know, it's not about J-Lo. There was definitely, I wonder if it's a Jennifer Garner thing. That's what I thought. I thought it was him like kind of emerging post-divorce from Jennifer Garner. Yeah, but he's doing a lot of work. I mean, we'll probably talk about on the leftovers, but, you know, the beard darkening, the new haircut. I think he's like doing his, you know, that's what you do when you're going through a divorce or a breakup.

You try to glow up really quick. You try to hit the gym. Oh, my God. But beware. Make sure you're going to the proper hairdresserer after a huge. huge breakup in my 20s. I remember I went and I got like eight inches caught off my hair and I cried for weeks. It was a horrible haircut. I spent like $25 on it. Here's a hint. Don't spend $25 on a haircut if you're in the middle of grieving in the end of a relationship and you really need the haircut to be good.

You need to look hot. Yeah. Because I spend $25 on my haircuts now, but I'm literally trying to impress no one. So how dare you? You impress us every single day. Yeah, exactly. I'm trying to just not exist with my haircut. You know what I mean? So it's very different. But totally, you were hideous.

I was hideous. It was bad. At that time. Yeah, yeah. Undatable, unlovable. Yes, I looked like an American girl doll who's had the hair crudely chopped off by a Kindergarten scissors.

Yeah, that's what I looked like. She had, she slept in a dumpster. That's like she had a dumpster put into her. And I liked it. And she liked it. Yeah. I was like asking, oh, where's dumpster? Yeah, where's dump stuff?

Totally, it was wild. She reeked. Next up, we've got, I don't know which one to go with. Okay, fine. So the former wannabe A++ lister says something bad is going to happen in October. How would they know unless they are the one

who is going to make it happen? We're talking October surprise. She loves pantsuits and she's ready to cause problems in the election. Hillary Clinton? Yeah. What? Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

There's a blind item about it. I need to stop Holden for a moment. Before we started recording, he was like, guys, it's so hard to find blinds right now because they're all about P-Ditty and we don't want to go there because they're all so dark. So that's, I assume, why I Holden went with a Hillary Clinton blind. Well, and then this other one that I have is several former staffers have stated they're going to pursue litigation against the former A-List talk show host for a toxic workplace. Like last week, I remembered.

But hopefully they do. What is Hillary Clinton going to, what October surprise could she possibly do? What October surprise? Well, you're the one who brought up the October surprise thing off recording. And I have been a little obsessed now with what the supposed October surprise is going to be. Maybe that's the Taylor, Travis breakup that we were supposed to have in September. But Hillary is the one that's coordinating it. Oh, my God.

How would that affect the election? I know. And what could Hillary, I just don't understand what she could possibly. Is that so weird that this was a blind? But I am, now I'm like, what's the October surprise going to be? Because I think it's going to be like a monster in a box. Like my head can't wrap itself around what it could be for an election. So I think it's just like a monster's going to jump out of a box is the October surprise. That's probably what it's going to be.

And that would be fine. You know, I think that we're in a post. I think that the, honestly, the excess Hollywood tape was the October surprise of 2016. So ever since then, I feel like we're kind of in a post-October surprise world. Because if the excess Hollywood tape didn't do anything, then what possibly could. Every day is a nightmare surprise of some idiotic thing being said or disputed. We're in a post-gaff, you know, like I... Yeah, we're in a post-eating cats world.

Like, there used to be like one gaff could derail someone, but we're obviously past that. Was Joe the plumber the surprise before that? Was that the October? Remember Joe the plumber? I should go back. I'll come back next week with a list of previous October surprises. Oh, who's on the list? Tim J of October surprises. I don't know.

The 2008 October surprise was the financial crash. You know, like, so they're not always fun. Surprise. They're not always fun. Then it's the hurricanes. It's just something that... Not cool, Hillary. It's not cool.

At all. Well, they control the weather. Controlling the weather. The Clintons control the weather. Unbelievable. Oh, God, I forgot about that. Hillary, could you like just like spin it back out into the ocean? Like, there's no way.

Yeah, seriously. You can slap a current in there or something. Unbelievable. Well, I do have a final blind that's a little fun and problematic. I love how they always describe this. You can describe this guy so many ways. He's so famous. But this is how they always describe him in the blinds.

The former wheelchair actor has given himself an accent and he sounds ridiculous. There must be a better way to describe it. Wheelchair actor. Well, Jackie, do you not know who it is? No. Drake? Yes. Oh.

That's so weird. I always remember this. Coming up before. Yeah, we had this conversation. There's a million ways you can describe Drake, especially now more than ever. And they always still say the former wheelchair actor. That's so, yes.

I mean, I would first and foremost describe him as a musician. Sure. Or like the guy who's been in the biggest feud in hip hop history at this point. Yeah. Lover of a minor. Yeah, love a minor. Yeah, exactly. Lover of miners.

Lover of minors. The A-list lover of minors. The A-list minor lover. victim of Kendrick Lamar. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, so this is so weird. So it's like, I guess it's a Toronto comedian he worked with and they put out a song called Wa Gwan Delilah and he does this like obnoxious betwa in it. And it's, it's a r it's a parody of the song, oh, what you do to me. Yeah. Yeah, it's a parody of that song, but in like an intense patois. What? That I will not, I will not, uh, I will not. Oh, you're not gonna. Yeah, I'm not gonna do what he does on the song. You don't want to have a chat.

Thanks moment. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I'm glad. Chad Hanks. Everyone's just very confused why he would do this. And it's a really, like, especially because he's sort of known as like being a culture vulture. Yeah.

So then to do this is just very strange. But anyways, I thought that was a weird one on Drake's part. And that's the blinds. Also, everyone's on OZMPIC and everybody had their freak off at, at P. Diddies at some point. I mean, weren't all of them. They all did. They all went to Pete Ditties, and they were like,

where's the freak room or whatever? You know what I mean? And there was a fucking monkey fucking a giraffe. All of it is horrible. And they gave it money or something. I don't know what they did in these rooms. It's terrible. Hot culture, Twitter is impossible right now.

It's just like, here's another photograph of P. Diddy with somebody. And I'm like, I don't want to know. Or it's like, but did you see in 1994 when Bono looked sideways at Diddy? It's like, yeah. Yeah. A whole article, like this is like one of the top articles. Exactly.

But it's not even that I don't want to know. It's that I want to wait for like whatever actual. Like there's just like poo crave need not weigh in on the abuse scandal. You know, it's like can we just let the court do its thing and figure out whatever. Pooh crave. Are you still following poo crave? I'm not following poo crave, okay, but because I follow Popgrave. Who knows you. That's why you can't stop.

There's a dot dot dot dot. You click on it. You say I don't like that. I'm not interested. I never followed Boone Craveld and I follow Pop Crave. And then Twitter, Elon Musk's ruined Twitter. And now it's like, oh, did your eye linger for a second on this horrific, you know, meme? Now I'm going to send you 200.

Talk about them. You guys don't want mom talk in your algorithm. Like, I feel like I clicked on one Twitter post that was like, this family in Australia disappeared. And they were never seen from again. And now I just have like nightmare videos. in my, like, here's another family tragedy. It's like, no, that's not the algorithm, guys. That's not what I want.

The Twitter algorithm is truly monstrous. At least on, I'm not on TikTok enough to know. At least on Instagram, it's like, oh, I see you like water slide videos. Here's another water slide video. And on Twitter, it's like, I see you follow a bunch of leftist political commentators. Here's a bunch of right-wing political commentators. And I'm like, no. No, I don't want that.

That's why you gotta get off it. MJ, we gotta do. I'm just gonna appeal both you and Holden off your ex-dreams. Absolutely. I have positive news to close it out. I forgot about this. I'm gonna send this guy to you guys.

Olivia Rodriguez donates all her ticket profits from her first concert in the Philippines to a women's health charity. And isn't that pretty cool? And Olivia Rodriguez does that a lot. And she's a good person, it seems like. She's great. I love her.

She is a good person, it seems. And it's very sweet that she puts her money, where her mouth is and her mouth, man. Don't say whatever you're going to say. It's singing songs. She's young. She has a boyfriend. And I want to say thank you to everybody that wrote in your support about how I felt about

Frank from American Pickers passing away. I want to say thank you for your support. I'm upset at me and Holden for not caring. MJ and Holden, you both are wrong and I'm sorry. Oh, by the way, I totally forgot to tell you too. I still super don't give a fuck. You should, and you should, the next time you're at a hotel, an American pickers comes on, as you should, please send them to Holden. He deserves your ire. Send them his way. And also, Caitlin Covington is good. And that too. Thank you. Yes, I'm still annoyed by Christian Girl Autumn, but that is fine. But she's nice and good. Anyway, yeah, we're also allowed to be annoyed by the thing still. And I'm annoyed by it. But I'm happy that she's a good person. Tell me how wrong I am.

Happy and happy, happy. I just do a good person, but I don't like the thing. At this point, it doesn't matter for anyone that is in Florida. I'm sending my best. I hope that you have made it through. And we just got to be good to each other, everybody. Go out there, be good to yourself. Be good to other people.

And I'm not going to start crying right now. I'm just going to think about, I'm going to put my thoughts into Frank Fritz. Frank Fitz, I love you, babe, and I see you in heaven. And I know you're shining down on all the antiques that I've got hidden in my closets. My name is Jackie Zabrowski. And thank you guys so much for joining us on this very hinged episode of page seven. So hinged. So hinged.

You could never call it unhinged. And you can come hang out with me and MJ over on my Twitch, Twitch. Twitch. TV slash oh no it's Jackie on Wednesday mornings. We play the Sims. But also on Wednesdays, the new episodes of my new show, Who's the Bitch, drops every Wednesday. So check out Who's the Bitch. I host it with comedian Kara Clank from the That's Messed Up SVU podcast. So please check it out and write in your problems if you need some advice to who's the bitch.com. Go to who's the bitch.com and you can DM us. You can leave us a voicemail. You can email. You can email.

us or you can call in live on our Monday streams. Anyway, that's all I've got to say about it. That's it. Oh, I have to trauma bond for a second. I know there's a lot of bad things going on. I don't want to add to the pile, but as you all know, my Instagram was hacked and it was pretty much the saddest, the most upsetting thing that's happened to me all year. If you'd like to follow me, I'm back. I just hit the thousand follower mark. That was pretty quick. But we got 24,000 more to go. If I'm going to get back to where I was, Hold Nader's O with two O's on. I'm Instagram, please, for the love of God right now, don't even think about it or think about other things while you do it, but go look me up and please follow me. I've got 24,000 more followers to get

before I'm back to where I was. So please, please, hold naturesho with 2Os.com. I'm begging you just stop it and stop being mean to me. You're being just like the celebrities on our list. And I guess, you know, you got to ask for it or else you're not going to get it. So I appreciate you, Holden. Put out a billboard. Holden Graham might not survive this. Oh, no. So we need you to follow.

Holdenatorsho with two O's. Twitch. Dot TV forward slash Holdenators Ho every Friday. Jacking with the Holdies with Jackie. 6pm ET. Not this Friday, actually. It's going to be a different one because Jackie's going to be something else, somewhere else.

I'm going to be something else. Somewhere else. Wow. I don't. I'm so curious. Holdenators how. don't even worry about it. It's secret, MJ.

I don't need to know. It's secret. Somewhere else. That's all you need to know, MJ. Patreon.com forward slash page seven podcast. It's the most important thing in your fucking life, dude. Patreon.com forward slash page seven podcast. Get on there.

There's a man there. He's got gifts and treats for you. And you can also get our leftovers episode and Jackie's book club and ad free episodes from this at the $5 layer every month and then, or every week for just $5 a month, and then $10 a month, you get the Buffy watch along. It's the season for it. You want to catch up on that hot, hot, buffy action. It's so good and it's so bad.

And you definitely want to check out Jackie's Book Club next week, because I believe we start the novella Jack from the Monster Ever After series. And Jack, if you're wondering, is it about having sex with a pumpkin demon who has a pumpkin for her head and it's all engulfed in flames? The answer is yes. And I'm not going to tell you what he comes, though. you're going to have to listen and find out. It's pumpkin seeds, but I'm sad because I thought it was...

It's not pumpkin seeds. I thought it was going to be Robin Williams finding out that he's a man, not a boy, and then he gets fucked. But unfortunately, that's not what Jack is going to be about. Page 7 podcast at gmail.com. Please send in your conspiracy theories. Please, please, page 7 podcast at gmail.com. Really pleading and begging a lot.

I'm begging for parts right now, and I'm so sorry. MJ My name is MJ and I'm MJ KL Kat on Instagram Hell yeah And y'all we will see you guys next week We got no shoutouts for you today So come join us next week And you can send in your own shoutouts

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