Page 7 - Ep. 563: Merry Jizzmas!

Episode Date: December 20, 2024

It's time to break out those Christmas Shoes! This week on Page 7 the holiday season is fully upon us, as Jackie just finished her Christmas with Linda, Holden's sippin' on his liquor advent calendar, and MJ is preparing to battle an invading onslaught of slime.  The Goop gift list features an insanely expensive book about watches, and Drake really wants to be part of the lookalike contest fad to the point that it's kinda sad.  Holden and Jackie report back from the Spotify Wrapped party where they got to see Kesha up close and were surrounded by youngs, which Holden did not find attractive as he only likes MILF porn. Rumors are a brewin' that Jason Kelce doesn't take care of his kids and has forced his wife to hire help, and Walt Disney's possibly frozen head appears again in Celebrity Conspiracy Corner: The Frozen Coverup!? The Ultimate Christmas Trivia List, Blindz and EVEN MORE ON THIS PRE HOLIDAY PAGE 7! Want even more Page 7? Support us on Patreon! Patreon.com/Page7Podcast   Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

This one goes out to MJ Neffle. I've got a little plan for you. I think you might like it. Let's do the little dance we do. I think you might like it. And then we're going to hide away making love all night. And we can cry tomorrow. Watching it's a wonderful.

for life. I think you might like it. I think you might like it. I think you might like it. Yeah, everybody. It is I think you might like it season. And it is for the best that MJ reminded me that I think you might like it exists because I was going to try an attempt to sing Paul McCartney's wonderful Christmas time. But again, I think that goes the way of the brat Charlie XX where it is just me going,

Be papu Be de Papu Simply Everybody Shut, Jackie up right now And I understand I won't do that

to everybody So I think you might like it Everybody Welcome to It is the holiday season at its best When everyone is the most stressed out

And everyone is frowning But also We're filled With holiday cheer Absolutely I prefer My lately my favorite's been

Pepper the depressed Christmas dog He sleeps all day He drinks egg nog He wishes That he didn't have to talk To his family Yeah How much nog you consume

Are you like the Christmas dog Holden? You getting that gnaug And that dog? Well, we were gifted A Liquor Advent calendar So I've just been

I don't even know her I've just been kind of working my way through that I don't know if you heard my joke. Did you hear my joke I didn't laugh at it? Yeah, yeah, the liquor. Did you guys?

The MJ you are not. I liked it. It's one of the few ones that actually makes sense. You can't lick a woman. Thank you. Can't just be licking a woman. No, I've been drinking out of that.

I've been drinking out of that. Dr. Daddy's Christmas liquor. I love that. Yeah, Daddy's Christmas liquor. Advent calendar every year. Hardly even fucking fucker. Sorry. I love the liquor.

If you're going to keep saying liquor, we're going to keep making the joke. MJ. So maybe... It's because it never gets old. Everybody loves the I don't even know her joke. Everybody loves it. They're always defaing at it. And this is the sound of a woman

that's filled with holiday cheer. Whatever. Jay's just happy. Jackie finally has a mental break for a second. A family list a couple days. Well, I just did my Christmas essentially. I just did Christmas. So right now, for me in my brain, I'm in the off week, even though this is technically work very full week. But in my brain, I'm Iri.

Like in my brain, I'm on Christmas Island. Do you say Irie as in like when Brad Pitt and Mito Black says everything's going to be RRI? Yes. All right. And I have been really trying. I explained that to my mother over the weekend about that quote. And that because I kept telling her I need to go get Irie and she. didn't understand that meant that I was going outside to smoke marijuana.

And I think she figured it out when I would come back in and I'd go, am my man. I would just like do like a big circle dance around her and she just, oh, Gaffaad and Gaffod and Gaffod. And I think that I do like the music video for I think you might like it. And I just want everybody to take a moment this week and check. it out again because if you're frowning at all, put on, I think you might like it. Yeah, this is because I think you might like it. The problem with page seven is the things that we, the show has been going on for long enough now that honestly, some of these holiday traditions are stronger than the ones that I have with my own family, you know, because who else? I mean,

yes, my family does watch. It's a wonderful life every Christmas and I love that for us. But also here at page seven, we've been watching. I think you might like it the week before Christmas every year for, I think 12 years. We still don't know how many years we've been doing the show. And I really, the problem is now

these things that started off as jokes have entered the realm of powerful nostalgia like also Christmas shoes. Now I just want to listen to the Christmas shoes and it makes me emotional. Please.

Like what I actually now like, I think you might like it because it gives me a nice, loving, it's actually about like coming home to your loved ones and it makes me want to come home to you too. I'm watching. It's a wonderful life.

And crying together and why aren't we crying together? I will say my mom did ask me legitimately over the weekend for Christmas shoes for when she's on her deathbed. And I was like, Mom, I don't know if I can take the bit that far. Okay. She knew she was referencing the song. It wasn't a coincidence. No, because she saw our live show. So she knows how much I love the song Christmas Shoes.

But I think it makes her sad because I think she thinks it's a nice song. and that I make too many jokes about it and also understandably the amount of jokes we made about Jesus, Henry Christ really had to come to an end in the house because I think Jesus, another one, it's like liquor, I don't know her, you know what I mean? You think the age stands for Henry?

I think that the age stands for Henry and that is a bit that Henry and I have done forever. And apparently, she's never found it. Amazing. Well, but it's, these are really, reason for the season. Henry Thomas is the reason for the season. You know, I think that the, depending on what your level of Catholic and for how many decades, I think that it still requires, it still takes a lot of getting used to taking the Lord's name in vain, even at all, you know.

And I understand. I'm not making fun of my mom on this. I understand what we're doing is, is sacrilegious and technically alienating. But is that not what a comedian does? Think of how often Holden says the word come in one day. Right. Well, wait, we're likening that to To believe in the Lord's name ofade in front of your mother. Yeah. I just, he's the problem.

George Carlin wasn't working his own household. You know, he was going out of the world spreading these things. Linda doesn't need these sorts of, you know, challenges in her life. I mean, you know. People, listeners of the last podcast network often comment about how overwhelming it would be to be around both Henry and Jackie at the same time. That's Linda's life, you know. And throw a dirty nut into the equation.

And I mean, everyone's throwing up. In front of my mother. Indeed. You come me lumpies. Well, you unlocked it. No, because I'm sorry. I did. I summoned the cum lord that lives within you.

And I apologize. Thank you. His name is Gronky, please. I know. Gronky. Respect his name. Hail Gronky. We, you know what?

Maybe Gronky is the reason for the season this year. And I, maybe that's why I'm trying to make it hornier. Maybe I'm trying to make it hornier. need me. I'm trying to get the cum lord to summon. I'm working on my Christmas book. Gronky's, you know, nut-filled Christmas or nut-filled Christmas or cum-cris. I don't know what I'm going to call it, but it's... You should really dial that in. Yeah. And Gronke goes to all different homes and puts, you know, a dirty, hides a filthy nut somewhere in the house. I'm trying to create like an off-in-the-shelf thing where then the family can play at home. You know, we'll hide the nut. And like every morning,

you find the nut, you know, the Christmas nut. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it a Brazil nut? You should eat one a day. Oh, no, no, no. It's in a cup and it's liquid. Well, you know, sounds like a pud. It's not.

Not a pud. It's not good. It won't be like actual nut, by the way. Everyone at home, it won't be like actual. It'll be like. Nog nut. You can get, you know, Oatnog. That's what you need.

Nog, yeah, to be oat nog. Yeah, to be some kind of gnaug-like concoction that we'll be like, oh, it's a nut. You know, so don't get offended. And by the way, all y'all, being all offended of. They ended up with the words I got to say. You know what I'm saying? I feel like I can't even say anything anymore. Oh, good.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay. Well, one even wants to hear about jizz at Christmas anymore, you know? In my day, we said Merry Christmas and we talked about our jizz. Please, no, we said Merry Jizmas. How dare you, MJ? Trying to get the traditional family experience back where we just, there was some kind of

jiz adjacent conversation. Merry jism, and a happy new. Oh. Or at least an uncle masturbating in the bathroom or something. I mean, we used to have something going on during the, you know, luncheon that we would have. You know what I mean? That's what I need. Yeah, I need a good luncheon.

Yeah. I need a good luncheon in my life. I'm sorry that I haven't been providing enough of a, you know, I will say, I would love a buffet every day. That is, I mean, if I could get a buffet advent calendar. Oh my God. Oh, my God. Jasmine sent me a slime advent calendar. And each of the slimes.

I'm so upset that it's already past Christmas, MJ, because I would send them to your children because each one has like the stuff you put inside of the slime. Yeah, the charms. And I love the charms inside of the slime. Well, welcome to the club. My God, I don't have my putty. Get your putty.

Yeah, no, I saw that slime. That's why I keep thinking. I saw that slime advent calendar. And I thought, should I do this for my children? And then I thought, no, I'm not going to be that fun. Oh, you don't want 12 slimes everywhere? We already have so much slime. And they're getting more slime.

And they're bringing more slime into this house. Yeah. I mean, we are, unfortunately. They're getting the slime for Hanukkah. You know, listen. Oh, come on. Having children who celebrate Hanukkah and Christmas. Yeah.

A very standard tradition. Yeah. It's like the Christmas come. It's like the Christmas nut. Just like it. Or the shoes, depending on how you celebrate. Yes. Yeah.

Right. Yeah. So there's. So much slime. I'm trying to get my children to call their current slime collection to make room for new slimes. I mean, I'm just saying if you could tell them that Aunt Jackie loves slime and that maybe they're donating their slime to Aunt Jackie, but, you know, maybe the slime goes somewhere else.

Yeah, yeah. To hell. Where the slime belongs. Send the slime to hell for the holidays. I can't imagine children with slime because MJ, I don't know if you know this, but the slime kind of gets everywhere. PSA, if slime does get in your children's hair, you don't have to cut it out. I thought, we had a tense moment a little while ago where I thought I would have to cut it out. But it turns out, unlike gum, it comes right out with conditioner. So if your child also gets slime in their hair, put them right in the bath, cover them in conditioner, and it'll come right out.

I wish you'd had this conversation with my mother about 35 years ago, but I didn't have slime. My mom did bring up the story, though, about how, she had to cut all of my hair off because every time she would brush my hair, the neighbors would call the child services department because of how much I would scream. And then all of my hair got cut off. I'm not traumatized. What would the Christmas night

will hide it in our house. Yes. And we will find it soon. Yes. If it turns yellow, throw it out. Yes. No, now it's why I'm continuing on with my Merry Gismiss to me because I'm going to continue on with my holiday season like I am the neighbors in National Lampoon's Christmas vacation.

And I will like it. Now I would love to, though, we got to talk about Goop's holiday gift guide because there were a couple of things on here that you know what? I thought this year it wasn't as fun. I was like, oh, it's more down to earth than it used to be. But then you do, don't worry. You see things like a $95 pickle, and you go, oh, no, there's some things on here. I'm sad because this is like a, I need to find, I saw a headline that said something about a $4,000 gong. And if there's, man, you think about like big fun goals of like, what would you do with money someday?

And I think about the bits that I would love, like if I ever made like, you know, Bezos money. Like, oh, I'm evil. and I should never be trusted. But I feel like I would do something like purchase, like the drum set that I got for your kids years ago, MJ, when I thought you were going to fly to Los Angeles and put me into an early grave. But then jokes on you,

I'd come back as the ghost of Christmas present, and you'd want to have sex with me. But I would love to purchase something like a $4,000 gong for your children just to really ruin. a holiday. What is the purpose of the gong? Bang it. Itting it. Well, I would like to talk about dating, coaching with Amy Noble messing. That is $25,000. If I had to pay $25,000 to be able to figure out how to date, put me in the grave.

That is ridiculous. Just date. Just get out there. I mean, I don't know. I don't have these social issues that some of these people have. You know what I mean? I didn't grow up in a darkened room and in front of a computer screen. I got out. I live. If you ask anybody who's on Tinder right now if it's worth $25,000 to have a better dating experience, they'd probably say yes. Sure, but I think the secret is get off a Tinder

and figure out how to get, you know, I think that Tinder is good for hookups and it's good to get back into the practice of dating, but it's just training wheels. And then you've got to go into the world. How do you meet? You do think. Okay.

You got, yes, you do have to sign up for a class. You got to go do things. You have to, yeah, you have to. Yeah, you have to be active. You can't be lazy. Gotta go out. I'm just saying, a word on the street is, I think that all three of us are very lucky

that we're not dating in a world post-COVID. Right. Because I think it kind of changed the game. Yes, that's... And made it a lot worse, is what the word on. For sure. I'm not saying that it's... We're still figuring out all the ways that we all got,

you know, the reason I couldn't kill Jackie when she sent my children the drum set was because it was during COVID. Couldn't fly it there. And so that's why she's still alive. You couldn't come get you. But, you know, all sorts. Talk to Eddie's child mental health professional. And they're like, oh, we're still seeing how the kids are all fucked up from COVID.

And the dating is all fucked up. And the mental health is all fucked up. But you can get a $450 baseball cap that has red light nanometers blasting into your head to protect your hair follicles. I need the nanometers, MJ. If I go through Christmas without any fucking nanometers, I'm going to flip. In every conflict, there's at least one bitch. A huge bitch, a silly bitch. A little baby bitch, a raggedy bitch.

But sometimes it's unclear who the bitch is. I'm Kara Klank. And I'm Jackie Zabrowski. And on our new Colin Advice podcast, we're going to help you figure out who's the bitch. We want to hear your problems, dilemmas, and quandaries. No topic is off limits. Does your coworker flirt with the boss to get ahead? Is your bestie?

having her destination wedding on a holiday weekend? Is your therapist being clingy? Does your friend keep bringing her toddler to adult parties? Come on, there's definitely a bitch in your life, and we want to hear about it. You can email us, DM us, leave us a voicemail, and even call in live to talk to us in person about the alleged bitch in your life.

Just go to who's the bitch.com for all the ways you can contact us. New episodes drop every Wednesday, starting in October on the last podcast network, so subscribe now. on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen. And tune in to our live stream kickoff on September 30th on the last podcast network Twitch channel

where we'll be taking your calls live on air. Help us, help you figure out who's the bitch! And also, I don't know if you saw the link that I just sent you that had a couple of other things from the Goop gift guide. Like a, and you know what, Holden? I'm going to say it publicly. I'm sorry, Holden, for giving you shit

for a $40, Taylor Swift book because what you could have purchased was a $1,200 book about watches. Oh, it's a... And I'm really glad... Which one's that one? It is the second link that I just sent you in the email. $1,200 book about watches. It's the second edition of Acelain's the Impossible Collection of Watches.

But that is, I... This doesn't upset me. Uh-huh. I'm gonna... For a book? $1,200 for a book? What are you talking? $1,200 for a book is upsetting.

But at least watch, like, I can imagine a person who's like special interest is watches. I know that we can imagine a man who's special interest is Taylor Swift. How is it $100 M.J? I'm not saying, okay, all right. I'm not saying it's a, I'm just, I can imagine a person who's like, oh, this, my rich dad loves watch history, you know. And won't he love this book with the beautiful photographs of the watches? and I don't know. I'm not, I like this.

I'm sorry, I take it back. The handcrafted book comes with a canvas tote and a pair of white gloves. The fuck is happening. If you have this book, you probably have watches that cost many, many more thousands of dollars, you know. Okay, I'm going to say this. And this, can I just defend myself?

I'm from Queens. I am white trash. I didn't know that people spend like $100,000, on a watch. Like, I had no idea that that existed until not that long ago. I had no. Yeah. I knew that watches were expensive.

And I knew that, like, a Rolex, like, I knew. In my brain, I guess I never thought about it before. And I assumed, yeah, they're probably like $2,000. Yeah. And I was like, they, what? Yeah, no, I don't know how much a Rolex costs. I know it's a lot, but I don't really know. It's like so much more.

And I feel like I felt so, like such white trash, though, when I found out about was like, they're how much? Yeah, watches are, I can't believe this book, but we'll talk about that in a second. Watches are, um, it really is $1,200. I'm just, I don't, I'll never understand this, but watches are like a trophy. Right, watches are like a, yeah.

And I understand, I get that. But then I'm looking at this $200,000 Rolex. Like, that, I, I, oh, yeah. I never had a wore a watch that, like, didn't stop working, like, I don't know. I think I got wild arms or something. Or once it needs a new battery, I'm like, guess it's dead. Yes, I've been carrying. Guess I got to throw it to the dinosaurs. I mean, I would assume if you get a hundred thousand watch, like, getting it serviced is like maybe even comes with the watch. Like, you know what I mean?

And you also probably have a staff who like, you know, you at least have a personal assistant who will like take care of that for you. I have, my brother brought me like a beautiful watch. It's not like a Rolex. It's probably like a $100 watch. That's nice. Because he likes watches, but not in a $1,200 book way. But like, you know, he like, you know, likes to find old. I like that's the qualifier now. Oh, he likes watches. Not in a $1,200 book for a watch's way.

But like a decade ago, before he had ever, before he even had a nice shirt, he was like, oh, it's nice to have like a slightly nice watch. For sure. I discovered I like having a watch because I look at my phone less. And especially when I was teaching, I loved having a watch because I could look at the time without having to look at my phone. And so I was like, for my birthday, one year I was like, get me a nice watch. And I have it.

And I loved having it. And then the battery ran out. And it's been in my fanny pack for probably a year so that I can drop it off at the friggin jewelry storefront that is like a block away from me right now, by the way. And it'll take a day. And I'll just get it fixed. But have I done it? No.

And, you know, so this is the thing. In order to get the $200,000 Rolex, you either have to have an executive function that works to get the battery replaced yourself. or you have to have a staff who will do it for you. And, you know, we know both of those things are going to happen. You know what? We got to manifest, MJ. Oh, manifest.

You know, we got a manifest and someday we're going to have that staff. You know that's what I'm looking for. I need a staff for my watches. Oh, I want for Christmas is a staff. Dude, I am still, I'm still trying to figure out how this costs $1,200. I can't make heads or tails of it. It really is the same thing as the $40 era's book. It's a hundred watches.

It is a book of photographs. You can see a picture of a van cleef and apples. Van Clevenoppels. And I know that's a real place, but every time I see the name Van Cleefed Apples, I can't not make a joke to myself, even though there's no joke in it. Oh my God. Please tell me I can type the name of the book and then PDF and get like a free version of it. What about the sauna?

What about the pop-up sauna? Pop-up sauna. It looks like the little pop-up tents. I've been trying to research to find. one for my children that will also fold flat enough to like shove under the couch. And this one is a sauna. It looks so because it does look like a camping tent on the inside with all the infrared lights.

Like it's a heat generated sauna. Like could you, I could only imagine when I was a nanny and all the dumb weird shit that the like the rich families I used to work for would get like I could imagine what like the mother of those children just sitting. this, like, I need my sauna time. Keep the children silent. Like how many times I'd have to like keep the kids silent while she was doing something because she needed silence.

And in my head, I'd think, then why'd you have kids? But, you know, that's a different story for a different boy. But I imagine her sitting there with her creams on just going like, I'm in my living room, sauna. Isn't part of going to the sauna the actual going? part and like getting out of your house and like having like a minute or right or having it separate. I mean, at least a separate room. Why do you want to be in a hot tent?

That's why it's a pop-up tent. I don't want to be in a hot tent. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I do think that she has taken the note a little bit. Like I'm looking at the Lava's gift guide and everything is like under $200, you know. So I know you can still get the $4,000 gong and it is $4,000. and it is just a gong.

You just hit it. But she has her, her, you know, fucking serums and shit and the serums are $335. But it's like the illusion. The same with the book about watches. Yes, $1,200 is too much for a book.

But I feel like the Goup Gift Guide mastery is obviously there's like the $15,000 island you can buy and whatever. But also the trick is she makes you feel like you could get just close enough to luxury to imagine that one day, you could afford the $335 dry skin kit instead of just covering yourself with aquifer the way I do. And I'm never going to get there.

I'm never going to, even if I did have the money to spend $335 on a dry skin kit, my brain has been conditioned that I only deserve aquifer, you know, so I wouldn't even get, I wouldn't do it if I could. But I feel like it's, it gives us the, it's just a little cosplay. It's rich person. Like, does anyone actually, nobody's rich enough to get these things. buys it. I think it's just meant for us. Well, that's the crazy thing to me.

The part where people get like crazy cars on, you know, that they can't afford, like, and lease them or get them on payment plans and stuff, the part of people get, like, crazy shoes, even though they can't afford, like, the day to day, it blows me. I'm so glad it's the same thing as I'm so glad I don't have the gambling bug. I'm so glad I don't have this weird need to, like, sport luxury items. even though I can't actually afford them in reality because for like status reasons. You see it a lot in L.A.

You see it in New York a lot too. I see it a lot in L.A. Well, even on Instagram, I'm always shocked because like I know that it's like very real that like, you know, like groceries are expensive and like I live that reality and like things are really expensive right now. And then also it's so weird because you go on Instagram

and it's like, buy this serum with me, buy this outfit with me, buy this, by this. And I saw a tweet recently that was like, how are we still like, if everything is so expensive and everyone's drowning financially. How are we living in this culture of Instagram culture of consumption? When you're hawking your wares on Instagram, damn you.

And I'm buying them. I'm buying all these vibrators. The sex toys and the bread. The sex toys and the bread. And then I'm fucking the bread and that's not working out for me. You got to. I will say I'm proud of myself because this year, so I usually use a $20 fanny pack as my purse. I have for a really long time.

I use it until it falls apart and then I buy another one. And I was like, you know what? I want a purse this year. I was like, I'd like a purse that I can actually put snacks when I sneak snacks into the movie theaters, which I do every single time I go to the movie theater.

And I was like, I need something that's going to hold it rather than putting in my pockets. And then Jeff started looking at purses and he really did come to me. He's like, can I just say thank you that you don't give a shit about what kind of person? Like, he's like, that I don't have to like try and see if I can see.

save up to buy you a $2,000 purse. And I was like, here's the thing. I understand some people really enjoy that. And they are well made. I'm not saying that they're not. But like for me, I just destroy everything I use. It's like, no, I just need something that I, that will last me at least six months of the way I wear and tear through shit.

That's all I need. And I'm just going to say, if you're a dumb dumb that thinks you need a $2,000 purse for some reason. then go take a sip of some Christmas gin. Think about what you've done. Think about what you've done. Yeah. I think that, you know, but also some people,

it's like, that's their thing. That's their thing. And that's their thing. I smoke a lot of weed. You know what's really expensive? Yeah. And that's where I put my money.

Right. And I save up my money so I can smoke a bunch of weed. And maybe that's sad to people. And I'm fine with it. And also, I feel like a battle that I'm in with myself right now is like I, I'm so, I'm still in the mindset that I was in in college where I was like to ever spend even a dollar on myself would be like I'm bad. I'm a bad person. And so now I'm like, no, no, no. Like what if I should develop a skincare routine that isn't aquifer? You know, like maybe I deserve that. But then I look at the skincare shit and I'm like, I can't do it. I can't spend $40 on retinol. I mean, I literally could, but I psychologically can't. And I'm like, and I can't. And I can't do it. I can't spend $40 on retinol. And I mean, I literally could. And, and I psychologically can't. And. And I. And I. And I. And I. And I. And I. And I. And

And that's, so I feel like part of being in, at this age range is figuring out at what point do I reject, still reject consumerism, but stop living like a complete trash person, you know. Well, you find the in-between. It's like I always screw up how to say the name, Sarave, serrivi, I don't remember, I can never remember which one. But then there's things like that where that's a little bit of a bump up. Yeah. But it's not crazy expensive and you can get it to Target. Right, right. That's not so bad.

Like I feel like there are ways that we can feel more. luxurious and have a little bit more self-care. Right. That isn't just a $2,000 purse or a $500 serum or something like that. Yeah, I think my way to, I like to just lock myself in a dark room and take a cat of nine and give myself some lashing. And if I flogging and lash, yeah, if I flog and lash enough, I forget about the pain of being alive, which is I think what people are doing when they're buying these luxury items,

they're trying to disregard the pain of living. Yeah, the floggings and the lashings. Yeah, the flogging's the lashing. It's a way cheaper way to do it. Yeah, sure, I'm in deep pain for weeks afterwards. But again, every time I'm like, oh, I'm feeling the pain of being alive again, I can just kind of lean a little hard back into my chair and feel that pain. And then I forget about the other pain, you know?

Or just get high or do pills or eat. Man, you're just like Salinasardothian, but we're not here to talk about Throne of Glass. We are here to continue talking about this. glass for caviar which is $600. But here's the thing. I feel if you are at a point in your life where you're serving caviar so much that you need its own dish, I feel like at that point, you may as well get the $600 caviar dish. Yeah, I said it.

It's true. By the way, there is. I just feel like Lexi loves like caviar and anything like that. And there's a caviar shop like nearby. that we'll walk back. Oh, it's just caviar. And Lex is like,

we should go in there. And I'm like, no. No. And it looks fancy. It looks like the guy would definitely judge us if we walked in.

You know what I mean? Being like a sewer ring fans, sneakers. And my caviars. Knawana. No, you should show up as bronchie. Yeah, there you go. Why, please.

She's grumpy and I want to show. shot her up. Yeah. Sir, can she have these eggs? She wants to put them in her mouth. I know that they come from a fish, you see, and I know they're not from a chicken. I know, but a wife sure does love the eggs.

And I'll forget about the pain of a living. Oh, seriously. I love that I do it. You have to clarify to the shopkeeper that the, You know that they're from a fish and not of a chicken. You would have to explain to him that, like, I understand that these eggs are different from other eggs. Right, right. And then you show him your knowledge.

Of course, yeah. I know that from a fish, tiny bowl. The guy standing there is just like, what the fuck is this person singing? Yeah, obviously they're not from a fucking chicken. It's a slippery slope. They look like chicken eggs. I was Gideon and I went to Esbury Park for a little weekend away for our, was it, no, his birthday. We were at a brunch place and I was going to get the lotcas.

And it was like, you can pay 15 extra dollars to get caviar on your lot because I was like, I couldn't possibly. And he was like, do it, splurge. And I did. And is that, does that make me goop? Because I'm never going back. Whoa. I'm glad you did it.

It was delicious. My thing with caviars, I just don't get it. It just tastes like, to me it just tastes like taking a drink of salt water for the ocean. Yeah, yummy luxury. It's just like, might as well just take a, and I'm, I'm like, they tell you not to drink the ocean water. It's a salt gusher. Yeah, it's a salt gusher, but I just don't get, I don't know.

I don't know. I don't get the fishy taste thing being great. I don't like the texture. That's more, I don't like the little balls in my mouth. I like a big, yeah, you like, and see, that's the thing. And in my brain, even though I know they're very different, I'm like, just get a caper. Why you need caviar? Just get a caper.

Doesn't a caper do that? Right. Keeper is a much cheaper. And again, I don't like capers. Caviar of Queen, just put some capers on. Oh, you know what you need some capers. The caviar of Queens. And that's sad.

But you know what, guys, I'm fine with living in my little, you know, reverie of Queens trash, especially during the holidays. And at least I'm not the kind of person that's out here asking for a look-alike contest to happen for me. We're seeing all these look-alike contests going on. And then Drake came out and offered 10,000. $1,000 for a Toronto Drake lookalike contest. And that is like giving yourself a nickname.

What? That is, I was just going to say you can't make your own name happen. Make your own lookalike contest. Drake, sorry, bro. Nobody wants to be like you, dude. Nobody. And not saying that you're not an attractive person that people that look like Drake are not attractive.

I'm sure that they are. But this is, I laughed so I was like, ah, try hard. one a loser, try hard, what a loser. They should do it in everybody dresses like dragons or whatever, like a bunch of drakes. Yes, that would be awesome. Carra! Yeah, that would be sick, dude. That would be sick.

Yeah, that is just like giving yourself a nickname. Really lame. And these look like contests, when will they end? Wow. When will they stop? There's so many. They're really doing it out there. Okay, but the guy, the Timothy Chalemay guy meeting Timothy Chalemay was extremely

How did he not meet him at? Because Timothy Chalemay went to the look-alike contest, but he didn't meet the winner. He didn't see the end. He didn't see the end. Yes. So he didn't see Timothy Shalamama ding-dong went to his own look-alike contest. He did not see who won, but then turns out on the TikToks, we saw that

Timothy, Shama-Lama-Ding-dong, did meet the real-life look-like contest winner. And he was actually genuinely excited. Timothy was to meet the look-al-like contest. He was like, oh my God, it's you. Like, he recognized him. Yes, it was so sweet. Really adorable. And I'm like, God damn it.

You know, everything about Timothy Shemma Ding Dong is this like, oh, snooty boots, grew up rich, went to like a crazy, like, you know, an institution. He's like a trained actor. Everything about him makes you, like I feel like I want to roll my eyes at him. But he just seems like a little cutie boots. And I feel like in my brain, and I'm sorry if I'm being misconstrued here, I kind of have him in the same category as like a Tom Holland. Like I feel like I look at Timothy and I'm like in a good way. In a good way.

Like in a oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm sure. Send me your stories page seven podcast at gml.com. If you're like, I have other stories to tell. Right. Please. You do a girl in a well or so.

Did we get something on him? I think that we got some informal confirmation that he was giving everyone chlamydia at NYU. Yes. Allegedly. That makes some cooler, though. He also feel like, you know. Who didn't in college? And also, who doesn't at NYU specifically?

Right. Can we please? We all lived in New York long enough. And we know the stigma of going, yeah, I said it, guys, the stigma of going to NYU. And I went to Florida State. So I have a couple of stigmas on me myself. So don't get me wrong here. And I don't think they.

he was like maliciously spreading clemeny. I think it just, I think he was just a slut at NYU. Yeah. Right. A consensual slut at NYU, not the worst thing a celebrity has done at NYU. Look at you, James Franco. Yeah. So I just feel like in this day and age, in the post-2017,

in the amount of men who have revealed themselves to be truly horrific people, if we have this cutey little rich boy who, yes, is a rich boy whose name is Timotee. And who... Who said to kind of prove it to not be annoying. I think that this is the thing,

he's kind of digging himself out of a hole of everyone assuming, you little, you little fancy tiny little boy. You fancy tiny boy. I love a good M.J. I love a good M.J. Yeah.

Pancy tiny boy. Well, MJ, you should cool out, okay? Think about your language. I know. I need M.J. to have to like, uh, go undercover and like go back to high school.

Oh, no. You know, like, I need that so badly. Like, I need that movie plot to happen to MJ in real life. Like, never been kissed. Yeah, like never been kissed. Except, you know, it's problematic. But, you know, I loved it when it came out. Oh, I loved it when it came out.

Yeah, is it problematic? I guess it is because she thought she was high school. Yeah. But in any case, I think that Timote has proven himself time and again. And I think that he was nice to this fellow. And there was, and then Dev Patel was like, oh, you do. Patel lookal like, you're all even more handsome than I am. And wasn't there another one besides that one? They're just everywhere. No, they are everywhere, but that's the thing. These are the

people that are getting to look like contest, Drake. Drake. They didn't got, because Dev Patel says things like, oh, you guys are even more attractive than me. How dare you say that's a look like? Like, you guys are so attracted. Like, these nice. Glenn Powell, that was the one. Glenn Powell. And Gordon Ramsey. The Gordon Ramsey guy doesn't look anything like Gordon Ramsey, but he's just some guy. Yeah, the Gordon Ramsey was like, he just looks like some weird old general or something. And there's the Glenn Powell video. They don't even zoom up on any of the men because guess what?

Glenn Powell is a forgettable looking man. Whoa, shark man. How dare. I hate that I'm saying this to M.J. right now, but MJ, you're a, bitch. Oh, I thought you were going to say fancy tiny boy. You're a pansy tiny boy.

Don't use it. Don't use it against them. I have to say he's a generic man. Oh, a generic man lookalike contest. That'll be easy. Put a cowboy hat on. I was looking up Glenn Powell because of the look-like contest. And he did receive, I was trying to find any kind of fun article about Tom Cruise giving the coconut cakes.

Oh, yeah. Something about it. But this year, the only thing that I saw was that Glenn Powell now receives them. And he's just very excited every year when he receives his Tom Cruise. Coconut cake. And, you know, we could just go and buy the coconut cake. But I'm going to wait until the day that Tom Cruise sends me one. Yeah, more like no canut cake.

Good one. Because you're an idiot. You know, we should send you back to high school. Yeah, I would love. I love to see what happens to Smokey Joe. I get so fucking laid and arrested. You wouldn't even know, dude. I'm sure that's what would happen.

Everyone would be like, oh, no, I'm getting so arrested right now because how much fucking, you know what I mean? What are you going to say about the minors? I think that you like. to get laid when you do the never been kissed experiment. You're going to have to be selling it. I'll get arrested for trying to set fire to the school. I'm getting laid by all the teachers, bro. Okay, good, good.

And some of the students that are of age. Okay. Well, you're taking that right turn. Oh my God. Now we're going to go. Now we're going to get upset about grooming. You know. It's 2024.

Yeah, we shouldn't even be upset about that anymore. In fact, we should leave that for the Buffy because that really is what, that's what Buffy's for. Yes. Even though Buffy is so amazing, you forget that it wasn't that long ago, that it was like a little scandalous. Oh, yeah, yeah. With Cordelia and the new watcher. And it's like, it's crazy to me that it's like that.

I guess it was that long ago and I'm just old. But I feel like it's like that wasn't that long. I mean, pretty little liars. I feel like Buffy, I don't, I mean, it should bother me because they asked the. The watcher is in a position of authority. And I spent the entire first season being like, this man, Giles, is too close to the children. And then I got used to it. But now we love Giles, yes.

I have adjusted. I accept that he is a safe man to be in this close relationship with the children. You made sure to voice your concern, your many concerns, MJ. That is a lot of liability training in my past, okay? There's nothing I appreciate more than a concerned MJ. That is the greatest version of MJ is pure. They're talking about the law. Yes.

But pretty little liars was also not that long ago. That was our generation. And we grew up thinking how hot would it be if we were groomed personally by a teacher? By a teacher. And that is Mr. Fitz. What do you do with that thing though? I mean, didn't you, did anybody have the teacher fantasy? I mean, we've talked about this, I'm sure.

Any teacher under the age of like 35, I feel like was automatically put into a hot category whether or not they were hot. 100%. And I dare say bump that up to 50. I think under 50 I was down. I didn't have a hot lady teacher at my school. I don't really feel like. Young hot women, I think were rare. It's interesting because now I feel like all teachers are young hot women.

Right. Because it's... They're the only ones that could possibly have the patience and the grit and the strength to continue. Yeah, who like, teachers are now paid so low in comparison to quality of life that people don't end up wanting to stay there for their whole lives. In our day, it was still a strong enough union job that all the teachers were 70. And so having a young teacher made them kind of automatically hot. And I feel like now, especially in a low-income school, all the teachers are young. Like, because it's like this is a school that needs more financial support.

Let's put the newest, youngest, least trained teachers. And I say this because I've been one. And so there's lots of young teachers out there now. But in our age, yeah, man, any teacher, young women, I think were rarer. There was like two young men teachers at my high school. Right. And I feel like all the kids just took turns thirsting after them. And I don't remember if they were actually hot.

It was just like, oh, a young teacher, you know. But Mr. Fitz and Pretty Little Lies took a, this, you know, it's one thing for teenage girls to harbor a crush. It's another thing for a entire season of a show to be like, this is actually good. This is romantic. And by the way, and I'm about to get to the Celebrity Against Fears Theory, we're just. for the nenses out there. All my japeries about the dating of a of age teen or any of that. They're all jokes, okay?

No, you're joking too much about it. I don't like it. Hold it. You like milk. I am so elusively look at the milf category of the born hub or whatever it is. I'm so glad. Page 7 could not have a third co-host who is a Seshet disease holding man who was attracted to people who were any younger than Mills.

We would have to kick you on. So I'm so glad. This is the painful. Can I talk about a bit of my struggles a little bit for two seconds? You know what? We never get to hear from someone like you. So please, you know, I'd love it. It was physically painful to go to that Spotify rap party.

Yeah, it was. And she was amazing. And look around and start to be like, uh, she would have been hot to me. But now she's like too young. And I have to discern. now in an event like that, you know, everybody there is over 18.

He wasn't going through this quietly. He wasn't going through quietly. He was going through this openly with me. This was a vocal challenge that I went through. So you're like, can I, can I voice my struggle? But you've actually already voiced the struggle to Jaguarians. Oh, I voiced all the time and everyone has to listen because I'm, you know, this. You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah. And also you have to process. You know, he went through it at the time, MJ, but now this is his verbal processing of it. And we're here to celebrate. the man with the Soshets. We hear, like, I'm just so glad that we finally gave him

a pedestal to stand upon so that he can share his grievances. You know what? Dumb, hide you come. It's Christmas Day, and I know you want some. Dumb, dumb, gotta hide your Christmas. Come, come, come, come. Come.

That's the bell choir. Yeah, yeah. That's what, yeah, I was bringing the bells at the end. Thank you, Holden for sharing. Jiz nut. And I also didn't want, Holden was like, is there anybody here for you? And I was like, looking around in Spotify rap art.

I was like, no. They're just, their children. They're all, yeah. Nah, not for me. Yeah, this is the hard thing for us now. We watch Riverdale. We watch Euphoria and we're like, these children are 28 and that's too young.

And maybe it's L.A., but the Mountain Man doesn't exist, at least in these parts. I think maybe also the Mountain Man has kind of gone a little out of style. Like I think that kind of flannel, bearded thing that still exists in Ye Old Portland quite a bit.

Oh yeah, I'll find him. Jason Kelsey, though. Has no time for his children. Doesn't take care of his kids. It's not that he has no time. Bad dad. The fact that she said that even when he's in the house, she has to get coverage for her children,

I think is. Now, to be fair for a dad that's not used to that many kids all at once because he's never home, fine. No, that's not. The way she said it, I guess. I'm saying, I'm trying. Yeah, no. How many?

Three. Three. Yeah. I mean, that's. And all under the age of like, I think like five and under. I did this same thought. I was like, is it fair that she gets coverage because he's so not used to watching three kids? He's not used to.

Under five. I'm sure. Right? I mean, I mean, it depends. If she's going to go out for two hours to run some fucking errands, then yeah, you should be able to take care of his three kids for two hours. This conversation is actually very enlightening, though, because we're, We talk all the time.

We wonder if celebrities ever see their kids. And I think that this gives us our answer, which is like, yeah, because you can justify this all, you know, oh, he's, he's, he's Jason Kelsey. His brother is dating Taylor Swift. They got this very popular podcast. He's in meetings all the time. She has all this justification. But what it comes down to is it's just assumed that he will never, ever be responsible for his own children because of his level of fame.

Yeah, but this and the, but the given take of that is like if they're going through something, he's not going to be hit up about it. If they're trying to like experiment with drugs and sex and things like that when they get older, they don't, he's not in that equation whatsoever. And I like was friends with kids like that. Oh, yeah. I'm not jealous of it. Barely around and they sort of feared him.

But like he also wasn't really around. There was no respect at the same. There was no like, are you talking about me? Yeah, yeah. So it's, it's, it's, you know, it is whatever. Yeah, exactly. All I'm trying to say is Jackie's dad's Jason Kelsey. Now let's get into it.

Hit me. the share. Oh, don't screw me up sexually, not on Christmas. All right. Cheers, believe it. The curious case of the Christmas come. No. This one comes in from.

I think that we know where it came from. All right. At this point, I think we all understand where it's from. You would be surprised. No, I'm just kidding. This is titled actually The Frozen cover-up. A little bit of a two-for-one conspiracy today. Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society.

I call the story the Iceman Cometh. Oh, no, I don't have the name of the person you write it in. All right, I'll find it in a little bit, but let's get into it. Wait, wait, it's called the Iceman Cometh. I'll look it up while you're going. Yes, or that's the thing they're titling it. Yeah, submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society. I call this story, the Iceman Cummoth.

Allow me to break the ice. There's way too many ice puns. What is this, Batman or Robin? It's 2013 and the Mouse House has a problem for decades, whispers about Walt Disney's cryogenically frozen head have swirled. Type Disney Frozen into Google and bam, you're hit with speculative articles, dodgy Reddit threads, and enough conspiracy content to fill your worm time for weeks. The PR team at Disney notorious for their near magical ability to control narratives decides

it's time for a bold countermeasure. Enter Frozen. Frozen wasn't just a movie. It was a smokescreen. Disney needed to bury those pesky frozen head search results. under an avalanche of Olaf memes and let it go covers. Meanwhile, the speculation about Walt's chilly afterlife gets buried in the digital snow drifts. Coincidence?

I think not. And consider the timing, Disney's animations rarely veer into the frosty territory. Sure, there was the snow queen inspiration from Hans Christian Anderson, but it had been sitting in development limbo for decades. Why all of a sudden did Disney prioritize a wintry tale in the 2010s? Was it because the internet's reach and the cryogenic rumors were at a... all-time high. It's almost too perfect. An unforgettable ice-themed juggernaut designed to freeze the

conspiracy theories in their tracks. Of course, the Disney powers that be would deny any connection, but as the Frozen Empire grows, one can't help but wonder if it all started as a calculated move to bury one chilly legend for good. So next time you hear, let it go for the thousandth time,

ask yourself, is it just a catchy song or is it a threat from Disney telling you to let go of the truth? Do you believe Max? Max. Max! Mags. Thank you, Maggie. Thank you, Maggie.

Also, can I just say Maggie? Very well-written. Yes. Very well. I didn't add it that one at all. Yeah, it was great. There has been a rumor since Walt Disney's death in 1966. Of course, this is the two-for-one.

We haven't, I don't think we, I don't know if we ever did do this conspiracy theory. If we did, we did it for ever ago. We were just talking about, I think it was a couple of weeks ago. I know specifically we're talking about Kate Moss and that she started doing the Diet Coke ad and that a lot of people feel that it was because people were always looking up her diet, her diet and like talking about how things she was. That's funny. That it was to hide her.

This is way smarter than trying to scrub something from the internet. Like, just replace it. I had never heard of this strategy of like Google bombing your results with a different thing until you mentioned the Diet Coke thing so that people would stop searching her name with Coke and with diet. And Coke, yes. And I mean, I will say I just Googled Walt Disney Frozen Head and you will still get. and you will still get results that way. Was Walt Disney frozen after death is the first article on the BBC of all places?

And just to clarify, yeah, the rumor has been swirling since his death in 1966 that he was cryogenically frozen, that his body is stored either under Cinderella's Castle or the Pirates of the Caribbean ride in Disneyland. In 1986, 20 years after Disney's death, author Leonard Mosley published the biography Disney's World. The book claimed that Disney was fascinated by cryonic preservation as his health declined and that, he had his lungs surgically removed and preserved in its entirety in case he was later brought back to life. A second possible source of the Disney cryonics rumors, Mark Elliott's 1993 biography, Walt Disney Hollywood's Dark Prince. The biography continued the narrative regarding Disney's desire to preserve his body. Further, the book made it appear that Disney was obsessed with death that he had a growing preoccupation with his own mortality, is a quote from the book. The book also

stated that Disney wanted to preserve his body at all costs. Family members of Walt Disney have confirmed that his end-of-life wishes were to be cremated. His death certificate shows that he was cremated just two days after his passing, a total of 34 days after his cancer was discovered. However, that could be bullshit. I don't know. It just, you know. There is a threat about this in the Frozen, the movie subreddit, which I think is fun.

Yeah, I mean, I will. believe it because I also have heard this rumor about him wanting to be crygically frozen and I think that's fun and I think that I always thought that Frozen the movie came out of this like how things were in the early 2000s of wanting to be like

more feminist and more whatever and instead it was all just a big Google bomb conspiracy They said he was also very inspired by the film's Demolition Man and Austin Powers. Oh see that's it now I get it. Now I get it. Now I get it. I do believe in this, especially with the power and what Disney does and what they can give and what they can make. And I am scared of anyone that can do things like this or even thanks to the extent of like, we don't want anyone to think about this. Let's manipulate the masses. And I just wish that I had an evil enough brain that I could manipulate the masses. And then they made a movie that captures the heart and soul of every child under three until they turn six or seven.

You know, they really, if this was all just to protect the truth about Walt Disney's cryogenically frozen head, they also happen to have influenced however many millions of young kids who, because, man, I am still living in the world of Frozen. and my children watched it for the first time four years ago. Oh, my God, you're still in it? Oh, we're still dressed like Elsa every weekend. I'm in cars, absolute hell. I mean, I think that she probably won't stay in cars forever. There's just something about Frozen.

Like, we have gone into other fandoms, but Frozen, like all my friends' kids now are turning two and three and their watch, starting to watch movies, and everyone's texting me, how long do they stay into Frozen? And I'm just like, ah, ha, ha, ha. Like the Tom Cruise laughing memes. They stay there. They stay there for a while. They stay.

They never leave it. Wow. You know, and I still really have, I mean, I've never seen Frozen, but it is good. It is good, right? Yeah, yeah, it's fine. I mean, I think it's good. I think that it's, I think Moana and Encanto are what I would rather watch. But yeah, Frozen is good.

Frozen's fine. Yeah. Adel Z. But anything over and over again is going to... Oh, yeah. It's going to make you lose your mind. But I don't know. I'm in the opposite.

What is it called? I'm in the... Schoida Freudi or whatever. Schadenfreude? No, I don't know what the thing where you like something because you're just been thrown it a million times.

Oh, because you're immersed. Stockholm syndrome. Yeah, stock... Me word bad and podcast. Now you like cars because you... I like certain... aspects are like, yeah, I'll like be like, because I'm noticing little details now. I'm like, oh, I really like that moment that Mayter did this tongue wag thing and this one, you know.

Now, this is Stockholm syndrome for sure. And this. They're not thinking clearly. Yeah, I'll like be thinking about Mater now and, you know, that's pretty fun or Rob. I are all like kind of thinking about the cars randomly. Yeah, just kind of think about cars randomly or or the soundtrack as well. It's very, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, is this really, I had COVID last week. We were home, home, home, watching whatever. And so we were

digging deep into the depths of what do we want to watch. We watched this series called Butterbeams Cafe, which I'm not talking about being giddy. And I'm talking about the children. Oh, yeah. I know. We have a book from it that I loathe. But we watched it the first time my kids got COVID when they were two and whatever, two and three, I think. And in 2021. And I, at the time, I was like, this show sucks. And now revisiting it years later, I'm like, memory all alone. It takes on this intense meaning just because it's something your kids

who did when they were little. So horrifically, 10 years from now, you're going to hear a song from the car's soundtrack and you're going to burst into tears and it's going to mean so much to you. And so whatever weird shit your kids are into now, it will unfortunately take on immense meaning for the rest of your life.

I can't wait until it's on your Spotify wrapped in 10 years from now and you guys can't be like, oh, the kids, the kids, kids screwed up my Spotify? It's like, nah. Y'all are just sitting, listening to Maider, and whatever Maider's going to be doing

into the Spotify. Does Maider, is there singing in cars? It's all sad. It's just a soundtrack. So it's Cheryl Crow and, you know, yeah, it's, the soundtrack's not bad.

This is my problem. Yeah, exactly. The soundtrack's not bad. You love cars. Now we're doing Cars too. No, no, no, we've graduated from Cars. Now it's all Cars 2. Cars 3.

And Cars 3 is actually quite a good story. Stockholm syndrome. This is, we are listening to it. Think of how many times he said jizz earlier. And now he literally just said cars three is a really good story. You know, Cars 3 is about like the mentor relationship and, you know, people kind of stepping outside of the, or cars in this instant talking cars, stepping outside of themselves and you should show her goodwill hunting next.

I think that's the next. If she likes that story, she probably likes Goodwill Hunting. Oh, yeah, for sure. Well, I just need a little golden book of it. And then I can move on to, yeah, because I'm desperate for her to get into like Little Mermaid or something. That would be. It's not your fault, you know, in the golden book.

But anyhow, is it time for a list? It's time. We all believe. Wait, do we, I don't know if MJ, do you believe? Oh, I believe. Okay. Everyone believes. Okay.

We all believe. All right. You know what, actually, I don't want to do the list that I included. I'm going to use that for a future list. I want to continue going down the list that I shared earlier. Yeah, I like that list. That is because there's so many more really good facts on it that I included. The ultimate Christmas trivia list.

Ultimate Christmas trivia list. And I'm jumping back down to the music section because honestly, there were things in this. And I was like, oh, that makes a lot of sense. Like, I never knew why these are few of my favorite things. I didn't know why that was a part of the Christmas. music lexicon. And apparently, Julie Andrews sang it on a 1961 TV holiday special four years before the Sound of Music hit theaters. So technically, it was a Christmas song before it was just attached to the Sound of Music, which, again, not to bring up another movie I've never seen,

the Sound of Music. And is there any, um, is there a, like a Christmas section in it? No, but the sound of music is such a fucking good movie. I talk about movies to watch with your kids. The Sound of Music, it is also a long movie about World War II. And it is surprising how much of it is about World War II and the Nazis. And also there's another item on this list I'm trying to find about the real Von Trapp family singers. Yes, it was, oh yeah, the Von Trapp singers, the very same family whose story inspired the Sound of Music helped make the little drummer boy popular. They were the first to record the two.

But it is such a good movie. But no, there's no Christmas part that I can remember. But I feel like the lyrics of my favorite thing. It makes sense as a Christmas song, snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes, silver, white winters that melted to spring. Okay. Whoa, lyrics. Okay.

I think I probably know every word to every song in the sound of music. But, yeah, no, it's, man, Julie Andrews can. Do no wrong. That's the watch along we need. That is, yeah. I feel like the only way I'm actually going to sit and watch the sound of music is drunk. Sure. It's so long.

We could watch the first act. It is a movie with an intermission in the movie. That's how long it is, but it's, I just, I really do recommend it if you are into musicals. It's so long that Lilo is in it. From Stitch? By the end of the film, she's old enough to be in it. That's how long the movie is. And they call it the parrot von Trapp.

And then it's like a hole. They just like fuses into a new one. Can we talk about another item on this list, which was my favorite that I highlighted to discuss, which is. Oh, you highlighted it to discuss? Oh, my God. I was shocked because we just watched also. Yes, May and my children watch a lot of TV, but also I just had COVID everybody. So get off my back.

Yeah, it's the holiday. While you're damaging them. No, the kids at COVID. Yeah, you're fine. But the original script for 1993 is the Santa Claus had Sanct. Santa dying, not because he slipped and fell off Scott Calvin's roof, but because Calvin shot him. Shot him. And I'm surprised that Tim Allen didn't push for that.

Now I want to shoot Santa. Let me shoot him off the roof. Oh, oh, oh. It's so hard to enjoy that movie now knowing what an asshole Tim Allen is because the whole thing is that the dad is such an asshole. He's really good. But it works. It's just like how Ariana Grande is great to play Glenda. Right.

She's so annoying and dumb and like, you know. Holden. What? It's jismiss. You have to remember. Throw a cup. Yeah. We're nice to people.

Throw a cup in her eyes if I really want to change things. And you have to hide the nut. And maybe you haven't hit the nut in the house today to really generate some good jismus cheer. So sad about how little of a Christmas nut I've encountered this year. I feel like Lexi's not even hiding it. She's just throwing it away when I hand it to her to hide it for me. I'm sorry for you. I'm very sorry for you.

But this actually, this tidbit, yeah, I'm going back to the list. What are we talking about? Joy to the world used to be, well, it was initially about Easter, not Christmas. And that makes a lot of sense. Because like the king is come and not talking about jismus. Then it would make it a jismas song. But like, yeah, because he came back and then everyone's cheering. And that makes a lot more sense.

That's just a ha. And another ha! Is that Peanuts creator Charles Schulz thought jazz was awful. He told a reporter so after a Charlie Brown Christmas hit the airwaves, complete with a very jazzy score by Vince Quaraldi, which I feel like, how could you think that that score is awesome? It's extremely Charles Schultz, though, because we know that Charles Schultz was Charlie Brown. Mudge.

He was Charlie Brum, right? And so, like, how could you? classic for Charlie Brown to make the most beloved Christmas movie ever and then be like, I actually hate the music. This is not what I want it, you know? Which, the most iconic, like, warm best, nothing makes me feel like better than that soundtrack. Like, there's a magic to it. It's so ridiculous.

Of course, he hates it. Oh, and of course, but when you hear it, you're filled with magic. Now, I'm also getting filled with a different kind of magic when I hear baby, it's cold outside. Baby It's Cold Outside, originally won an Oscar for Best Original Song in 1950. Apparently, it was featured in the 1949 movie Neptune's Daughter. And now Neptune's daughter, it does sound like a smut I want to read. Yeah, seriously. I never want to watch it because now in my brain, it is a Christmas-themed smut about the God Neptune.

and I can someone out there write it? Morag, can you write it? Can we get it? Sure. I'd love to get that, including I'll do the rendition of Baby It's Cold Outside, but while trying to seduce Neptune instead. I wish that it was recorded somewhere. Maybe it is Jackie and Holden doing karaoke of Baby It's Cold Outside. I think it was two Christmases ago after the Thanksgiving Day parade when they were both so hammered and they did, they were both like singing the subter. text of the song to each other.

You know what, MJ's surprise? I don't remember it. I was like, I was, I'm sure that neither of you remember it. I was in my kitchen like, you know, prepping Thanksgiving and Holden was playing like the lecherous creep. And it was, it was so, so funny. But I'm also glad, you know, we went through a hole. We've learned a lot over the last decade.

And we had a whole discourse as baby it's cold outside predatory. And then we've, I think it was a bit of an overcorrection. And we've come back to, no, it's okay to flirt and have subtext and be like, ooh, do you want me to stay or do you want me to go? You want me to go? You want me to stay? It's okay that it's a little ambiguous. And I like, I love that. But it will always make me think of you.

Yeah, this is the whole thing going back to kids not knowing out of date anymore. You know what I mean? It's like you got to lay it out there a little bit, you know? You got to be like, I know you got to be like, please, may I have a kiss with you in a way that you. makes you feel comfortable. Like I guess. Yeah, just ask like that. Yeah, that's how you do.

But maybe don't do that. But you got to have a little bit of Riz, you know? Yeah. It's also a generation that came up with the term Riz. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. You got to have a little bit of Rizz. Would you please be comfortable with lips being placed?

Man, that pitch really gets me going. Right? Oh, yeah. You better watch out, Holden. And don't want to celebrate Jesus. And do you. I am in the middle of the list. Okay, this is a sad one.

You stop that. The BBC refused to broadcast Bing Crosby's. I'll be home for Christmas during World War II, so it wouldn't lower soldiers morale. Yeah, this is really sad. There's literally no upside to this. It's devastating. Absolutely, no, it's only sad.

But, you know, what is fun, while I was in the car the other day, my mom requested listening to Grandma got run over by a reindeer, and we gleefully sang it. And she goes, you never hear this song anymore. And it does make me sad that we don't get to all celebrate the killing of Grandma by Santa Claus himself. We did look up the lyrics because, oh, God, I have to. What I'm saying is on the list, Grandma got run over by a reindeer is sung by a veterinarian.

Ah. Did you know? But what is insane is that we actually pulled out the lyrics of the song because Henry and I both were discussing with, there were incriminating who. hoof prints on her forehead. Where's the line? Oh, no. She had hoof prints on her forehead and incriminating claws marks on her back. Henry and I always thought it was claw marks.

And we have made the joke many times of like, what? The reindeer's have claws. It doesn't sound like they were reindeer. Maybe they were wolves. But no, the actual line was incriminating claws marks on her back. But does that? Intimate. That's

that Santa Claus scratching her on purpose. Or at the very least, sexually assaulted her. Yeah. Something had

Grandma's DNA under his nails. Something happened to Grandma that. I know she was drunk as you let her

wander off into the snow. Right. But I feel like we should really discuss the claws marks on her back.

There is a scar cover of it, by the way. I think it's less than Jake. Whoa. I think it's less than Jake.

Um, it does a Scott cover of Grandma got run over by a reindeer, which is what it endeared it to me. But I never knew that it was about a murder. Yeah. And a potential assault. Yeah. You heard it here first.

It has more in common with John Bonae Ramsey than we realized, didn't you? Then we realize. And there's more, there's more crumbs than gravy than you. Oh, all right. I think I don't have any sight right now, guys. Thank you, MJ. Thank you. I think I'm going.

Blind. It's items. Oh, we can't see them. Ooh. It's a disdainful, uncrismusy set of blind items, so beware. Ooh, okay. It's as if hell has entered the planet Earth realm and sword wielding skeletons. All right, you're blind.

You can't even see him. Just tell them. The former A-list comic slash host got into an argument with a person to store this week. There's no one in the town who likes her. she acts like she owns the village. Ellen. Alan DeGeneres and a wife, poor ship. No. Wow, she's already pissing off her new place.

Moved to the Cotswolds after the election, and the poor reception of her stand-up special, I think is more why they moved to the Cotswolds than the election. But, man, yeah, there's some pictures of them out and about in the Cotswolds, and she looks like a grumper, grumpagorm. Grumpagorm, man. Real gargoy, last bitch. I feel bad for the people of Cotswalt, but also,

stay there. Sorry, Ellen, we don't watch. What a snooty. The Coltswolds. Oh, is it the Coltswolds? I just feel bad for Portia de Rossi because I still love her. I don't think we have any reason to hate her. But how can you be with Ellen for this long and, you know, and not be a little evil or

something? It's Ellen. I don't know. Maybe they just have a very separate life, you know? They just bounce each other out. Yeah, maybe. this A-List singer all of you know likes to watch her boyfriend have sex with men

I thought they were married but whatever she has her his child and she sucks his cock in the kitchen Oh Katie Perry Or Kelly Rippa Katie Perry it is Remember when he does the dishes one day a week She sucks his dick

She likes his dick Wait so she likes to watch First of all they're not married Wait a second He's having sex with men Yeah, since she's watching it. Jackie's Christmas came early. My Leggolist dreams are coming true.

My Leggolish dreams are coming true. It's a real Jackie High School Christmas. Like you fall this Gismiss gift. Absolutely. Beautiful stuff. Thank you for the song. Love that. You can never take that away from mine's mind eye.

Never want to. Except now you pick, now in your mind's eye, it's not just the Legola. Ew. And Katie Perry is there. Ew. And she's wearing her stinky fruity shoes. And then she's like, you want to smell my. thongs, but not her underpants.

She's only talking about the orange slices on her feet. She's watching the two men fuck, but singing. It's a woman's world. I watch you fuck a guy in it. No! That's my jism. It's a woman's round.

That's my jizs was out. Thank you. Remember a woman's world? That came out this year. Oh, my Lord. What a crazy. That, I feel like that defined the year more than any.

Like, that was such a fun time when that came. Is that and guilty pleasure came out? at the same time, it was amazing. I just really thank the Spotify gods that I didn't somehow accidentally listen to that too many times in jest. Oh, yeah.

That would have been embarrassing. Mess up the whole Algo. Very embarrassing. Mess up the whole Algo. This foreign born, last one, guys, this foreign born A-List actor did what everyone knew he would do. He did, in fact, have dinner

with the A-List singer slash sometimes actress alone. They also made plans for him to see his play. Uh-huh. So, the actress, she's awful, and I hate her. Ooh, do I hate. Ariana. Ari-Ari-A-R-I. Yeah. And who's... Okay, who is it? Who's the pretty man? Who's a pretty man, she's worked with recently? Pretty man. Oh, Jonathan Bailey? No, actually. Has she worked with this guy recently? What did he do? He's, his last name is

sort of, uh, the name of a liquor. Jonathan Bailey. Whiskey. Liquor hardly even know. Huh? No, no, no, it's not that though. Jonathan Bailey! No, no, no.

It's a smoky tequila. Mezcal. Oh, Ms.gal. There you go. Now you found it. Wow. Wow. Yes.

Sucking on him and fucking on him instead of Spongebob. Wait, he's in a play? Just going like, oh, I'll do anything for you, Ariana. I saw a street card name Desire apparently. Oh. Pachi, machi, come me hot. That's going to be hot. I want to see it.

Yeah, yeah. Palm Scal Streetcar. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. The picture. Just putting Paul Meskell streetcar and, man, the picture of them embracing each other. Good Lord. I saw a...

Talk about liquor. I don't even know. Oh, yeah. I saw a Twitter thread recently that was suggesting its own little conspiracy theory. that basically SpongeBob was like gonna have a bigger role in Wicked. And then because he tanked his entire goodwill and reputation by abandoning his baby and wife to be with Linda, they like significantly lessened his role. And now his role in the movie doesn't even really make sense to have somebody who was like a beloved Broadway star have like the type of role that he has tiny, tiny, tiny role in Wicked.

whereas the theory is originally it was like this big get to have this beloved Broadway star until he tanked all of his goodwill. Isn't that a fun conspiracy? Whoa, good conspiracy. Yeah. Alaka, a lot. All right. Well, there you go.

There's the point items. And there's our show. Welcome back, Holden. And goodbye to all of you. And thank you so much for joining us on our, well, I'm not going to say the last. episode before Christmas, Christmaca this year, but because we will have our watch-alongs dropping over the next couple of weeks. I want to thank you guys so much. I hope you get through your jismiss, your anything that you celebrate, I hope that you get through it, or if you don't celebrate anything,

I hope you have a great time in the silence and in the dark because, ah, some people are dreaming of it. My name is Jackie Zabrowski, and you can follow me on Instagram at Jack That Worm, and you come hang out with MJ and I, because don't worry. through the holidays on Wednesdays. We will be playing Sims. Although I guess we won't be doing it on Wednesdays because the Wednesdays are Christmas Day and New Year's Day. So we'll get back to you on that one.

But definitely come hang out. We're going to be jacking on Fridays and we are still going to be hanging. We've got lots of holiday fun coming at you. In fact, if you're listening to this today, the episode that drops tonight, LPN Funhouse, Twitch.tv slash LPNTV. And if you're not watching it on Thursday, go watch it on the YouTube. It'll be up for you to enjoy because it's going to be holiday time. Oh, yeah.

And hold it. Hey, what's up? Check me out. I'm big nasty on the streets and I'm dirty wet in the sheets. Ooh, yeah, I'm coming for you. I'm going to get you. I'm going to get you good. Just do it.

I don't know what are we even doing. All right, anyways. Promotional materials. Sorry, sorry. At twitch. TV forward slash Holdenander's home. A decent guy, Milf on the on porn hub for sure.

Only category I look at. What else? We've got patreon.com forward slash page 7 podcast. Patreon.com forward slash page 7 podcast. Go on there. So much content. The leftovers, all the articles we get to today. We also got Jackie's book club.

It's amazing. Get over there. The Buffy watch along at the $10 layer is cracking. We're almost done with season three. Check it out. Patreon.com forward slash page 7 podcast. Page 7 podcast. at gmail.com.

Please send in your celebrity conspiracies page of a podcast at gmail.com. And I'm sorry for all the things I said today. M.J. You're not.

He's not. He's going to get cold. I'm coming for you. Oh, God. Ooh. Ooh. Well, my name is M.J.

And I am M.J.K. Elcat on Instagram. You guys. Yeah, whatever, M.J. Don't you dare. Whatever me. Hold in you. You're being a fancy tiny boy right now.

Everybody, have a great holiday. We'll be back soon. Bye, everybody. Bye, everybody. This show is made possible by listeners like you. Thanks to our ad sponsors. You can support our shows by supporting them. For more shows like the one you just listened to,

go to lastpodcastnetwork.com.