Page 7 - Episode 103: Ernest Saves Christmas

Episode Date: May 10, 2015

Mariah Carey has a bit of a misadventure at the Rockefeller Center tree lighting ceremony, Susan Boyle has her very first boyfriend, and the owner of Grumpy Cat made more last year than Gwyneth Paltrow. Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

I don't understand it. I don't understand it. You don't understand it. We're live. Oh, my God. Oh, my Lord. Scooby-do. I'm right fucking here.

Welcome to page seven, everybody. We are live streaming here for the very, very, very first time here on page seven. I'm Marcus Parks. I'm Jackie Zabrowski. I'm Molly Nethyl. I'm not. I'm supposed to sing along with the song. I want to sing along with the fucking song.

Yeah. So we're here. Holy shit. It's scary. I don't get it. It's just supposed to be me and Marcus Smalley's all new. I usually imagine that this is not even ever broadcasted. It's just an excuse for the three of us to get together and chat.

Yeah, I thought, isn't that what it is? Do people listen to this? I didn't think so. But I guess, man, now we're going to fucking talk all about it. Right now I can't get last five years out. to my head because the trailer came out today. Uh-oh, nerd alert. I love the musical the last five years and it is coming out in a movie form. I'm not familiar.

It's so good. It's so good. It's another Jason Robert Brown. I love it. I can't sing it on here right now even though I really want to. Can you do me a favor? I don't want to put you on the spot, but you could also sing the song that we were listening to in the bar before we came out of here. It immediately went out of my head. What was it? That one? Oh, me, my name of my heart. Yeah. The boom boom in my heart.

Yeah. Does anyone know what that song is? What song is? If anyone that's listening knows what that song is, it was playing out there. We don't know the words enough to even sing it clearly. I don't know anything about it. I know that I know the song. And we both know that we like it.

I think it's boom boom, boom into my heart. Boom, boom into my heart. All right, I'll check. I'll Google boom boom into my heart. Oh, something comes on. Wham! do the jitterbug That one?

It is not. Boom, boom, it's a jitterbug. Why would you call a phone a jitterbug? To appeal to the elders. Really? Jitterbug, that's what gets them. I think that's the dance that they used to wham to. Yeah, but the jitterbug is a very different song for the dance, though, right?

No, that's a very good point. It's a lot of knees and a lot of legs, right? Or my thing is the Charleston. Yes, the Charleston. Is that the same as the jitterbuck? Oh, nope, no, very different. Jitterbug, I think, is that thing. when they take their hands up in the air

and they do the no, no, no. And they swing their hips. So it's like a chicken dance, but with a finger wet. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. We were talking about singing, and we were all treated to a pretty mediocre to poor performance last week

at the Rockefeller tree lighting ceremony. We don't really need to go into pure detail as to what else was happening at the Rockefeller tree lighting ceremony that night. Other things, protest type things, whatever. But there's a big tree. And they put fucking lights on it. I will say, people were very excited to see the tree.

People were jumping barricades to get to that tree. They really were. Even, you know, cops on horses showed up because horses love trees. Man, I love cops and horses. I thought they did away with cops on horses. They still have them. They're still out every so often, just to put the fear of God in you. It makes me think of Sleepy Hollow.

Yeah. I saw a cop on a horse in my neighborhood in Bushwick once. That was unsettling. Yeah, that horse has gone out of its way. By himself? He was just him and his horse? No, it was a cop on a horse. I know who was cop on a horse.

Not like a little cop. No, it wasn't a parade. It was just a cop on a horse, and that was it. It was very unsettling. It can't be an effectual policing tool in Bushwick. Yeah, but I imagine they carry with them, what are those? What did the mountain have? A whip?

hand, no, not a whip. Jousting. Like a jousting tallyn? What are the talons called? I think it's just called sticks. It's just a stick? Just that josting stick. So that if you need to like bust up, I think the primary crime in Bushwick is probably dudes drinking on the street, you know, so you can just. Yeah, you pierce them, bash it right out of their hands.

You shish kebab them. No juice drinking on the street. That's kind of fun. Oh, juice. I love me some juice drinking it right now. Hope everyone else has got their juice. Sponsored by juice. J-O-O-Z. J-O-O-Z.

Jules. We have, not only do we have a recording of the performance of Mariah Carey singing, all I want for Christmas is you at the tree lighting ceremony, but somebody isolated her vocals. Also, I wish you could just, I mean, you can also hear how cold she is because she had no clothes on. She had no, everyone else had coats on. It's okay, girl, put on a coat. Yeah, you're a vocalist.

Don't your vocal cords need to be warm? breasts were out, all my father could talk about was staring at her breasts. She's like, oh, she looks pretty fucking good. And why she's like, 40? The little breasts looked great. It's like, Dad, stop looking at her breasts. We're listening to, all I want for Christmas is you. And all you're talking about is a goddamn breasts.

All right, well, let's take a listen. Let's hear some of this. Oh, no. Don't want a lot for Christmas. To be fair, she couldn't hear anything in her earpiece. It starts out. Sounds okay. Because she could start to hear it.

You could watch when she couldn't hear it anymore. I don't care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree. I just want you for my own. Why did he? More than you could ever know. Mm-hmm. Make my wish come to roo. Oops.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Yeah You

And that goes on for another three minutes I think we're fine That's all we need I think it was Todd Todd Gray that said On lines like I can't wait for Jackie to talk about this I did watch it I watched the live event

On what was it NBC or ABC or whatever the fuck it was And I I almost cried because I was so upset for her because she sung it. I know she couldn't hear. She obviously was upset about it, but she sung it 800 million times. That was exactly what I was going to say.

I'm not, I mean, God help me, I could never, ever, ever sing and sound halfway decent at all. And I know that the monitor thing and you not being able to hear yourself, but this is like fucking Moriah Carey's one job. Every fucking year. She got this hit. It's hard to get a new hit. It's hard to get a new Christmas hit.

This is the singular song. for better or for worse, I think probably worse, that defines Mariah Carey, I think. In terms of the pop, she's written many, or she's sung many, many, very good songs. Oh, yeah, shoot it up, down. But like this fucking sound. See, let me sing it.

I'll fucking sing it. I would have sounded better. Yeah, you would have done good. What I understand is like, where's that a little fucking girl that sang it in love actually? She didn't get any, I mean, she got accolades when it first came out.

But why don't they have a little girl sing it? Yeah. Why do they keep letting Mariah Carey? Well, she must be a Now she's probably ugly. Young woman now. No, no, no, she's hitting ugly years. No, she didn't age well.

Her name is Olivia Olson. She looks okay. She's all right. She's all right. She's all right. Nexted. Yeah, she just got Swap.

Lips. Meanwhile, the little boyfriend Love actually is on Game of Thrones. But also looks. Yeah, weird kid who turned into a weird looking adult. Who does he play on Game of Thrones? He is.

The brother of like the weird brother and sister that like help, what's his name? The little prince halfling when he's got, his legs don't work. Brain. Oh, yeah, that's right. The kid, the kid that's right, the Kranogman. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He always looks like he's in a scowl.

The green sear. Yes. Yeah, that guy, you know that guy's like 28? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he ain't looking any better. I would rather see him paired with Liam Neeson. Put Liam Neeson next to him and he's fine. He's great.

Yeah, little little kids can be so weird looking and still so cute. Yeah. And then things get complicated. Especially, you know, his mom died and that whole thing. You watch Love Actually this year yet, Marcus? Of course not. I never watched Love Actually. You asked me last year in the year before that.

You should watch it. You should watch it. I'm not going to watch it. I'm not going to watch Scrooge and I watched Christmas Vacation. Although yesterday, I did watch Ernest Saves Christmas. Okay, I'll watch Ernest Saves Christmas. I haven't seen it since I was a kid. I loved it when I was a kid.

And it is a weird fucking movie. The movie is a weird fucking movie. funny. It's not it's just like the entire time she's like what? Why? This is so weird. I haven't seen an earnest movie since I was a kid and I fear returning

to them only because the premise even when I was a kid I was like this premise doesn't make any sense. Ernest scared stupid holds up that one I love I need to see that again. You know what I mean? I was looking at work on my earnest impersonations and he's hard to impersonate. He just makes me sound like

my boyfriend's brother Justin because he got to talk like this. But he died of throat cancer, so there's only so many jokes you can make. Yeah. Yeah, it's a little rough. But he always says, you know what I mean? And then he does this weird laugh thing.

He's like, ha-ha-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ha. Where he doesn't use his mouth muscles. It's pretty great. I love it. Watch Ernest saves Christmas. The whole premise of Ernest is that he's just like a kind of lost man-child, right? Yeah. He has a really good heart.

He has a great heart. First, he was a camp counselor. and at first he was a camp counselor. And he was bad at it at first and he was bad at it at first and then he was great at it. And then he went to jail and he was bad at it at first and then he was great at it. And then it does the same thing with Christmas, Halloween, and then he goes to Africa. That was rough. That's really where it took a turn for the worst.

It's a little rough. Oh yeah. On the cover he's wearing an African tribal mask but only a rough. His face comes through and you see the goofy Ernest's face. And you see the hat. And then there was Ernest Goes to the Army. I believe that's all the earnest movies that there were before he died. In my head, he was much bigger than he actually was.

Like, celebrity-wise. I thought Ernest was huge. And I don't think he actually was. I think it was maybe we were right at the right age to be kids and just hear about those movies all the time. And so think that that's the world to you because your world is small. Doesn't hold up. No. That's all right.

All right. After Ernest scared stupid. We had Ernest rides again. Ernest goes to school. Slam dunk, Ernest. That can't be a good one. It can't be good. Ernest goes to Africa and Ernest in the Army.

Well, he never wanted to be Ernest. Yeah, that was the horrible thing about it. He wanted to be a serious actor. Oh, poor. And they just kept giving a movies and they're like, you're Ernest now. You're earnest forever. You will never escape Ernest.

It's kind of sad. That is tragic. I do want to quickly jet back to the Rockefeller tree lighting. Sure. Because when did Seth, McFarland become a crooner which apparently according to my mother I watched this with my family

she says everybody knows that Seth McFarland can sing and that he is the new Michael Boubley that is the quote He just released a Christmas album I guess she's like he is the new crooner he's the new Michael Booblay but she calls him Bubbly

and I was like I hate Michael Bubbley whatever you want to fucking say it I don't like him I think he looks like he has a molester's face just the way Seth McFarland sounds like Stewie singing a Christmas song. You can't brand yourself as both a crooner and the family guy guy. I'm sorry, you can't do it. No.

Yeah. And his voice was fine. I think he sang with Idina Manzel, which, love her. Love Idina Mazzel. Well, let's hear Seth McFarland sing, baby, it's cold outside. It's fine. Featring. It's Stewie.

Yeah. Put some records on while I pour. No, it sounds like he's doing an impression of a career. Say, what's in this day? No cap to be had out there. It's creepy. Yeah, I don't like that one bit. It's creepy and it's unsettling.

I don't like that either. No, he's trying to have his cake and eat it too. I love that song. I know everyone's like, it's a rape song. It's not. This is a great, like, have a good time song. I wish I was in that situation. I mean, there would be no songs.

I'd be like, all right, I'll stay. Give me a drink. Speaking of really sexual songs about Christmas, I was in my hometown recently, and they were playing, I was at a restaurant, and they were playing Santa Baby, but being sung by a dude. And I was like, this is super gay and fantastic. It was such a surprise.

Because that's really not a gender neutral song. It can be, of course, if you want it to be super gay, but it's definitely presuming Santa is a boy, having a boy sing it. Maybe Santa's a woman now, just like God is a woman. woman. You know, maybe you need to get that into your head that maybe it could be a woman. Why can't a woman ride a sleigh and deliver presents to everyone across the world?

I've got something for you. This is the gay men's chorus of Los Angeles singing Santa Baby. All right. All they really dreamy. Oh. All right. Okay. Everyone's laughing and enjoy it.

That's so gay. That's great. I mean, don't get me wrong. I was thrilled. It was just a surprise to be in like a family restaurant listening to Christmas music. And then like gay Santa Baby came on

in my little town. It was a pleasant surprise. Another, I wouldn't call it a pleasant surprise. But I did find my mother's Christmas CDs when I was at home. And I found her when Rosie O'Donnell had the show and she was huge. she released a Christmas album

that she sang with every song she would sing with a different personality she did sing I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus with Angelica Pickles from the Rugrats and it made me want to throw up all over myself that I listened to it three times in a row

now what's it called it? What was the name of the song? Well I'm pretty sure it was I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus which is another problematic well not problematic but it's another weirdie when you think of that. It is a weirdie it's definitely a weirdie which I mean, I guess it makes me think of, I watched Bad Santa last night.

Fuck me, Santa, fuck me Santa. This is the most 90s thing that has ever happened. It's a nice little polka. It's just the whole album. My God! The whole album. The whole album is awful, and I pulled it out, and I was like, Mom, why do you still have this? She goes, oh my God, I love that album.

And then we had to all listen to it together. Has this, like, awful Celine Dion song. She sings with Cher when, like, shares in her real, like, ho-ho phase. A secondary character from a Nickelodeon cartoon, though. At least shares. Was she going to sing with Tommy Pickles? Yeah, the character that nobody likes. Right.

Nobody likes Angelica. Yes. In fact, I've got a... I got a listener, Corey Griffin said, Angelica was the biggest cunt of my whole childhood. She was such a fucking bitch. That idiot doll that was half bald

with the hair sticking up and weird. It's like, cut the girl's hair off. Cut that doll's hair off. Yeah. It looked like an idiot would own a doll. Yeah, Angelica Pickles was like the prototype

of like the shrill boss in every romantic comedy. Oh, yeah. You know, like the ball buster like, meow. Meow. She made the whole show up. Honestly, I don't know.

Lil and Phil kind of pissed me off too. Yeah, I didn't like them either. In fact, you know what? I didn't like Tommy either. Don't go there. Don't say things you're going to regret, Marcus. Wait, wait, wait, which one was the main character? The baby, baby.

Tommy, Tommy, Tommy, okay, yeah, yeah. He was good. You got along with everyone. Chuckie. You surely love Chuckie. I loved it. Chuckie was the only, he was all right. Wait a second, Molly.

Did you like this because it reminded you of, like, Charlie Brown? You know me very well. Oh my God Oh my God Rugrats is Charlie Brown Yeah I think it basically is I hadn't actually quite There's the dog

Yeah And there's the bitch girl There's the bitch girl And then there's the smart one The lovable Like kind of neutral male protagonist Of Tommy or Charlie Brown Interesting

And then like Phil and Lil are kind of like the Lucy Not Lucy Linus And what's his sister's name Bitchy blonde Sally? Sally Sally's not that bitchy I'm sorry

Pussy blonde They've been pussy blonde. Yeah, that's Phil and Lil. There you go, done. We just fucking compared them. I was explaining the story of Charlie Brown Christmas to one of the guys that I work with who is Mexican.

He doesn't really know a whole lot about the American culture of Christmas. And I explained to him Charlie Brown because I was making him listen to the Charlie Brown Christmas soundtrack at work. Which is fantastic. Only make anyone listen to Christmas music now. And he was like, that sounds sad.

Why would anyone want to watch that? I was like, you know, I don't know why anyone wants to watch it. It is really fucking sad. The peanuts were relentlessly sad. It's so fucking sad. Like, me as a depressed child literally read the peanuts like to cope, not to laugh, but to be like Charlie Brown is as depressed as I am. It is tragic the peanuts.

I mean, Snoopy, he usually did okay. He was just lazy. He was just in his own world too. Yeah, right. He dealt with the tragic world around him by completely detaching from reality, whereas Charlie Brown just dwelt in it. He just pitied himself. Poor fucker.

Yeah, and Lucy just went through and made life as miserable as she possibly could for everyone around her. And she did that weird therapist thing where she made him pay for her shit advice. Yeah, and all she would do is just tell people they sucked. Yeah, that's kind of a good racket though. That is a great racket. Well, let's move on to somebody who's actually got

an amazing racket going. Yeah. The owner of Grumpy Cat makes what made $100 million over the past two years, making $80 million more than Gwyneth Paltrow. Yay. So the cat actually looks like that, right? There was no surgical enhancements. No, the cat's got dwarfism and an underbite.

Oh, I mean, he's cute. He's adorable. But I walked into my niece's room. She's obsessed with Grumpy Cat currently. They have Grumpy Cat everything. You can get anything Grumpy Cat right now. And she's like, yeah, Jackie, don't you like Grumpy Cat? I was like, I don't give a fuck about Grumpy Cat.

Act. Act. Act. So who's the Grumpy Cat in this situation? How did the little girl react then? She was fine with that she understood. I don't keep shit from my niece. She's eight years old. It's time to man up. You're going to expose her to the hard stuff. Yeah, man. Fuck Grumpy Cat.

Yeah. But he's making all that money. Good for him. Yeah, great for Grumpy Cat. Her owner's a 28-year-old. woman, she said that she was able to quit her waitress job within days of the cat's first appearance on social media. She said her phone hasn't stopped ringing since. Grumpy Cat made more than Nicole Kidman, Matt Damon, and Matthew McConaughey. Matthew McConaughey? I like that

even better than Gwyneth Paltrow. Damn, don't you dare, all these stupid backlash. I hate this backlash that's happened against Matthew McConaughey. I just, I know he's a very talented actor and I'll admit that after true detective, I just also find him to be a little bit insufferable. No, he is very sufferable. He's extremely sufferable. I want to suffer all over his fucking cock. I want to suffer in the same room as him

and hang out. Okay, that's fine. You can be in the same room as us. Not while that's happening. Were you the one who told me that Taylor Kitch was going to be the time? Yam, yam, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, he's in the next true detective. I belong with Rachel McAdams. I will suffer over that. Man, fucking, I'm going to suffer.

I'm going to suffer. I forgot exactly what the, they put out what his character's going to be. It's basically just like, like, detective with a hard pass. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. He got all the brother named Billy. Oh, my God, I love him so much.

I couldn't give a fuck about Colin Firth. What was the other one? Colin Farrell. And Vince Farril. And Vince Fawn. Well, neither one of them. Yeah. Vince Fawn.

That's the one who, we're going to have to actually suffer through Vince Fawn. It's going to be great. He'll be fine. Elizabeth Moss, she's going to be, I mean, she's an early frontrunner. She might be in it. Who's that? The Peggy from Mad Men. Oh.

Also from West Wing. Also from West Wing. Sorry, I haven't seen this. I haven't watched Mad Men, so it's fine. I find it boring. Yeah, that's, that's fine. I'll give you that. I can't believe you like Mad Men.

What? Isn't it all about men in power? Yeah, but it's, it's self-aware. Oh, okay. All right. It's like, aren't these men terribly obnoxious? These men are impover. power and they're terrible.

Yeah, but it's also very sexy. It's like, aren't these sexy men in power terrible and also sexy? Is it like Tim Riggins sexy? A little bit more high pants, tucked in shirts, fedores. Not so, like, drunk and long hair. Yeah, a little more cleaned up than Tim Riggins. Yeah, drunk, but short hair. All right, I don't like that.

Moose back hair. Yeah, it's a certain type of aesthetic. But Don Draper, I mean, what's his real name? Fucking John Hamm. What they're all using like L.A. looks, right? Remember L.A. looks? Yeah, L.A. looks, the, yeah, the hair gel. Yeah.

I've found Henry's old L.A. looks while we were at home. Henry used to gel his hair back. I feel like we're going on a... This episode is a gradual tour of your childhood home. Well, I have a lot. We were there for a long time. You got a lot to unpack. You have any picks of...

I have to let it out. You got any picks of Henry with his gelled... No, I don't. Frosted tips? I have to send out the picture of Gracie, our 500-pound laboratory. Oh, my God. I said it in the text, and I'll say it again. I'm going to call social services on your mother.

What you're doing to that dog is cruel. I watched, my mom wanted Doug to put eggs that had cheese on them in Gracie's dish that had bacon ripped up on top. And Doug was just like, I don't want to do it. I was like, just do it. She wants me to do it. And I just watched him like, slowly and very upset. Scraped the eggs with the cheese. and bacon into her dish

and she just came over she's too fat to stand up so she pulls herself on her paws from where she was sitting to the food dish and didn't get up off the food with her face laying in the dish

who is the saddest thing I'd ever see oh God it's rough it's rough Yeah! Yes! I did it!

That whole thing was one long setup for that excellent joke. I congratulate you. Let's just move on Leonardo to Caprio. Oh yeah, Leo is... He's doing well for himself, too, right? Oh, my God. He apparently left a party. He was hanging out with one of the Jonas brothers.

They were suddenly surrounded. All of them that don't matter? Joe, I believe it was Joe Jonas. All right. And they were suddenly surrounded by 20 models, 20 different models, all hot. Leonardo DiCaprio decides he's had enough, he's going to leave, and all 20 women left with him. God damn, what I would do to be one of those models. So did he just leave Joe Jonas in the dust?

Yeah. I would. I absolutely, yeah. Well, honestly, you are, you know, you are a model. If you're going to choose between Joe Jonas, who is a lot younger, he's very in shape, or Leonardo DiCaprio. I'm going with Leonardo DiCaprio. Of course. I mean, no contest. And everyone is in a who-ha about this. Give me a fucking break. It's Leonardo DiCaprio.

He can do whatever we want. I bet he didn't bang all of them. No. But I bet he showed him all a great time. I bet he did. I'm sure he did a lot of watching. Oh, my God. They did so much. I just see him in a throne. Like he's got a big fuck room and he's got a watching throne.

And he's just watching and he's twirling his mustache. And he's just saying good. Which also, it's consensual. They're all into it. They all chose to leave with him. So what the fuck does it matter? As long as they all have fun, you know, Leonardo DiCaprio can fuck or watch as many people fuck as he wants.

Man, imagine you had a great night. Yeah. Damn. Just to be a fly on the wall. Man, I would watch. I watch a hell out of it. Him's just like jerking off all over him. Do we ever fear that Leo

will become less sexy as he ages? No, it doesn't happen to hot men. No, I don't think so. I think he's only getting better looking. That's the way it happens with the baby-faced ones. Am I right? Damn, well, we'll see how it goes, Marcus. I wish the listeners could see the face you just made, Marcus.

So smug. Well, we will be video streaming soon, so you'll be able to see it. That's scary. I can't deal with video streaming. People will watch our every move. I don't know. I got a really big plaid shirt on, so. Yeah, I'm not, oh man, I'm going to have to actually think about what I wear to work. Fuck that. You wear the same three shirts.

Yeah. That is true. I do wear the same thing. It's great. Yeah, you look good. Thank you. Thank you very much. You don't have to change a thing. Oh, that's fantastic.

None of us have to change the thing. We all look fantastic. Yeah, I forgot about that part. Yeah, you look good. Be proud. And there's one other person who's, you know, having a great romantic time, but it's not Leonardo DiCaprio on probably his, you know, 1,020th to his 1,040th woman.

It's her number one, Susan Boyle, at the age of 54, has her first boyfriend. Oh, my gosh. She dreamed to dream. Man, what does her boyfriend look like? He's apparently a doctor that she met on tour. Good for fucking her. I hope he's so hot. I hope he realizes that she doesn't have any money.

Is that true? She can't have any way. I mean, she did well for a bit, but that was like a stint. Well, I think she makes a lot of money just touring around. I'd imagine she gets paid a ton of money. I'm sure she sells out every concert she has. Really? I bet so.

Yeah, I'll bet a lot of people who saw her on whatever the hell has talent it was were like, you know, like moms, middle-aged people want to be like, oh, she's such an inspiration. You got a pick? Oh, no, I've got her net worth in April of 20. 2012, her estimated net worth was 22 million pounds, probably about $40 million American. Great. Damn.

Yeah. And I guarantee she hadn't spent all that in the last two years. She seems frugal to me. She seems modest. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, she's laughing all the way to the bank with that one and everyone who was ever a dick to her. What if she's dating like a plastic surgeon? All of a sudden, she's going to get all tight face.

She's going to look like Merrill Street. Did they try, didn't they try to do that to her, give her like a little bit of a makeover? but it was not, it was one of those makeovers and what, yeah, it wasn't like a big reveal. It was just like, oh, you got your eyebrows wax and a little haircut. Yeah, she got a haircut. Good. Good. That's great. Good for her.

Some new makeup. But she sings poorly, correct? What are you talking about? I think she sings great. I dreamed a dream of days of something gone by. That is a lay miss song. Yeah, that's what she sang that made her famous, though. Oh.

But I also have that in my head because I recently watched Lay Miss. So good, so good. So good. So good. I didn't even have a problem with fucking Russell Crow or Ann Hathaway. I mean, he wasn't the best. No, but I took him as he was.

All right, let's hear Susan Boyle singing I dreamed a dream. Yeah. Oh, she hit the note. That's pretty great. This is her very first, this is her, Britain's Got Talent Performance. God, I love, Les Mis. God, everyone needs to listen to Laymiss. It's so good.

It's so good. It's so good. Honestly, Molly, give last five years a shot. I'm not, I'm only talking about it on this podcast. In my real life, I have to keep it under wraps. I love it so much. It's so good. But Anna Kendrick is going to be it, and I don't think I like her.

I don't think I like her. Who she? You know her if you saw her, tight face, tiny bitch. Yeah. She's in the new Into the Woods. Listen. Oh, her. Yeah.

Yeah, you've seen her. Yeah. In the musical, it's like, it's about five years in this relationship. They meet at 25. They have a horrible breakup at 30. And, like, they're supposed to be older and they're too young for it. But I'm going to watch it. I can't wait.

And they cry every time you listen to it. The last five years, eh? Oh, yeah, man. So good. You won't like it, Marcus. No, no. I know I won't. I know I won't.

I know I won't. I know I won't. It's really beautiful, though. We've got a little bit of music from that. Let's see. Well, this is the first clip. It's too young. She doesn't understand.

I don't feel about hurt in her voice. Look at this. Ew. No. No. No. They're making it out in a car. They're getting real close to fucking.

She's singing it. Wow. They're doing this. Getting undressed. I mean, she sounds good. But it looks so, okay, so here's what I learned from Le Miz. That Le Miz did that's actually really interesting is that they made everyone sing on set.

And like, so it looks. That's what they're doing now. Yeah, and it's great because it doesn't look ridiculous. And that clip that we just watched looked ridiculous. You can't sing and fuck that enthusiastically. Try it. I'm going to. All right.

Now I know the whole song. I'll fucking sing it while I'm trying to lay down my track. Oh, next time I have sex, I'm going to try to sing space oddity at the same time. That's easy to do. That's very, I've done that before. Ground control to Major Tom. Commencing countdown, engines on. Honestly, it sounds pretty fucking great.

Actually, it sounds great, yeah. Yeah, that's probably the one song. Take uprope bells and put your helmets on. That's what you say is you're putting on the condom. She puts it on with her mouth as you do the countdown. This is round control to Major Tom. Oh man, David Bowie's so good. Oh, man, he's so amazing.

But you know what else is amazing? The list! Who's on the list? Yeah, got to have that list. Ooh, it's ten celebrities who stayed friends post-breakup. Oh, this is nice. Yeah, this is a nice one. This is a very nice one.

I bet it's all bullshit, but I'll listen to the list. Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie Still in each other's lives But she got the tattoo removed Understandable Understandable But bad Santa is a hard movie to watch Is it?

Yeah, I mean it's good but rough It's on Netflix Are they both in it together? No, just Billy Bob Thornton He's just so bad He's a bad Santa He's the worst sad He's such a bad

Fuck me Santa I maybe want to fuck somebody In a Santa suit at least Okay well you could make that happen Yeah, you can make that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was a thin Santa anyway. I'll just get a Santa Supertog.

Give him a bottle of whiskey. You make him hit me a few times. We'll have a night. And Doug's got a belly. He don't you talk about his belly. Oh, come on. I practice with a guy every week, and he always wears those shirts that your mom gave them. And they're the sleeveless shirts.

And they're too small. I know. They're too small. And that belly is protruding. Oh, I know. I did it. I made it. Cameron Diaz, speaking of bad movies, she's a bad

teacher. Her and Justin Timberlake are still friends. They dated? Yeah. Yeah, they did. Oh my lord, I completely forgot. Aguana tits. I can't look at her and I'll think about her guana eye tits, man. She also kind of has iguana eyes. She does. Maybe she's just too

wide for her body. Yeah. I think that's it. Yeah. It could structurally because she's not fat. No, her features are too wide for her bones. Interesting. I wonder what I'm pushing. Normal. Normal. It's probably normal. Do you think she's got the Audi lips or the any ones?

Outy lips. Gotta be outy lips. If she's pushed, if she's pulled too far horizontally, then the lips have to go somewhere and they probably got the roast beef curtains. Outy lips. Oh my God.

Well, Joe Jonas and Demi Lovato, they stayed friends. Good for them. Ryan Philippi and Reese Witherspoon. Remember when they were like the it? And remember when they now don't exist to anyone anymore? Neither one of them. Yeah, but they had kids, right? Yeah.

And they were like when we were in sixth grade, they were both the hot thing. Yeah, they were. And Reese Witherspoon, she was in that movie The Devil's Not about the West Memphis three that come out last year. Oh, yes. It was great. Yeah. Yeah, she was great in it. It's a real good movie.

I would recommend it to anybody out there. I'd like to see that. Oh, yeah, yeah. I think it might be on Netflix, actually. Yeah, boy, man. Ryan Phillipie is not doing well. That hair can't age well. He had brillopad hair and not J.T.

Brillopin. I was going to say J.T. aged quite well. JT. aged well, but his hair wasn't quite as voluptuously brillopat. Like, it wasn't SOS. Like his was more of like a heavy-duty sponge. And he's got SOS, man. He's like for when you need to, like, de-gunk your pan. Oh, yeah, man.

He's got gunk all in. Oh, yeah, here's his last few movies. Catch hell, reclaim, straight age. Don't know it. Straight AIDS. Revenge for Jolly. No one knows these movies. He's got an exclamation point on it.

No. Set up The Lincoln Lawyer. That was with Matthew McConaughey. And he was in a TV series called Pretend Time in which he played handsome guy in an episode called Powder Donuts Make Me Go nuts

He's over Is what you're saying Oh he is over He's got a He plays a cop In the new TV series Secrets and Lies Which is in pre-production

Right now That's coming out next year What is the sexy movie I keep wanting to say needful things Cruel intentions Cruel intentions Which is a great book Oh that's a real thing

It's a Stephen King book Oh okay Oh man And it is It's time for Blind Item! We can't see him! Oh, first one up. I love this one.

You're going to love this one too, Jackie. Probably you too, Molly. I hope we all love this one. I hope we all love it too, and I think we will. Well, maybe I'll hate it. Oh, fuck. You bitch. You are being a bitch right now.

You've not heard from this guy in a while, but you'll probably see him on your screens if you like comedy Christmas movies. He was a B-List mostly movie actor who's not acted in a while, thanks to some issues of his own. making. Apparently, he's in some trouble for stalking Eric Estrada. What? I thought about making Eric blind, but how would you describe him? Our actor sends 20 to 30 emails a day to Eric, the rambling kind.

Think Christmas movies. Shitters full. Shitters full? Shitters full. Tim Allen? No. Think the best Christmas movie. Think of a guy.

Bill Murray? No. Jenny Chase? Well, right movie. Oh, Randy Quaid. That's right. Oh, yeah. Of course, Erica Strata.

But that's the thing. Does he think that Eric Estrada is like a part of like the Illuminite? Like he's trying to kill him? Is that why he's obsessed with him? I could imagine. It's very possible. Oh my God. He's so funny.

He's crazy. He is such a funny person, man. Are we surprised to find out that he's a little bit of a weirdo though? No, no, he's like living in like a bunker right now. Yeah, well, he was living in a, him and his wife were living in a hotel for a while, but they got kicked out and they blamed the Illuminati for it. He thinks that they're coming after him. And then they got arrested for breaking and entering and various other crimes.

And he's been under the radar for a while now. But man, he's actually a great actor. If you go back to his early days, you watch the last picture show. Midnight Express? Midnight Express. Yeah. The last detail is so good. It's fucking great.

It's one of Randy Quaid's forgotten performances. and in fact one of Jack Nicholson's forgotten movies. But the last detail is fantastic. I'm always amazed at how many movies you guys have seen that are the same movies. Because I've never seen anything, I'm always just blown away by your guys' movie knowledge. You should watch a lot of details really good. Yeah.

Well, we also have very similar movie taste. Yeah, I mean, that's the thing. Yeah. Love you, Jackie. Love you, Marcus. Bubba Duke. Bubba Duke. Have you seen Babad Duke?

I haven't seen Bubba Duke yet. You are getting, you got to get on the Duke train. Well, I've been in a Dark Souls hole. Yeah, I know, but Duke Train, man. Yeah, you had to hear me and Holden talk about Dark Souls for a good 20 minutes. The slumbering dragon crest ringer. I don't give a fuck about Dark Souls. Oh, do you want to hear about my latest trip to Ann Orlando?

I hate video games. Unless it's Mario Kart. Anything else I don't want to hear about. I'm with you. Although, speaking of scary things, just real quick, I am currently reading the Amityville horror. Oh, how you like it? I'm loving it so far. Great book.

You're reading a scary book. I am. My co-worker gave it to me, and so I am going to read it. How have you been sleeping? Well, so far. Okay. Yeah. Just wait.

It is scary. I'm early on, so I fear what will happen. It's going to get really weird. Like, you're going to get freaked the fuck out. And then after you watch it, watch the original movie, and then after that, watch the documentary that is about the kid that grew up in the Amityville Horror House. Dude is fucked up. He's fucked up.

Wait, is it real? Yeah. Yeah, he is fucked up for life. Whoa. Yeah. So that's your homework. Whoa. You have a few weeks to complete it.

I will complete these tasks. I got a nerd alert for my Dark Souls talk. Well, you, rightly so. Thank you. Nerd alert. You just got next to. You are a nerd. I mean, everyone knows you're a fucking nerd.

Yeah, but I got it from the flyin grape. So who's the nerd? Flying grape. That's his username. I don't understand what that means. I don't know. No, but he's the Flying Grape, and he gave me a nerd. Well, you are a nerd, and there's an alert out for your arrest.

We support you, Flying Grape. Because we're the cool police. Yeah, both of your super, yeah, you're both super fucking cool. Yeah, why don't you go listen to your musicals, Jackie? Don't you dare. Why don't you go watch some tap dancing videos, Molly? I don't mind if I do. I will.

Thank you for the invitation. Yeah, put the switch on to Molly, yeah. Oh, and someone says, Marcus, don't listen to them. Thank you, Jake. Oh, man. He's on my soul. He says Dark Souls is the shit. Thank you, Jake.

He's in your nerds. Dark Soulsy video games. Jake and Marcus can go play their Dark Souls together. Well, it's a one-player game. And it requires solitude and concentration. Oh, that's so sad, Marcus.

Finish this game. No, I'm only halfway through. And it's a very hard game, so you can look forward to at least another two months of this. No, not two months. At least. Jesus Christ. Holden's breezing through.

it. Well, Holden's already played it before. Oh, that's sad. Oh, that's really sad. I'm like, I'll do it again. That's really sad. Yes, but we're both having a lot of fun with it. We've got our next blind item up. We've got a super nice one.

This one's actually, we've got a kindness blind item, as they call it, on the blind items page. This A-list, mostly movie actress, who is still in a franchise that's got a new movie coming out next year while she does other things that are not in front of the camera granted a make a wish wish a few years ago and talks to the little girl three times each week at the exact time of the day those three days she's not only granted a wish but made the girl a part of her life and family why isn't the girl dead yet doesn't this mean don't they get to make a wish when they're about to die i think that sometimes

they rally sounds like bullshit sounds like a lot of fucking bullshit sounds like a lot of fucking bullshit That sounds like something fell through the cracks. I'm going to make my fucking wish. Tim Riggins in my goddamn bad. And I'm fucking take me, give me a touchdown. Okay, this is also a very nerdy one. She was in the third movie of the series, episode six. She was in a sexy bikini.

And there was a fat monster going, Oh, she Boko. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Princess Leia. Yes. Really? The original one? Carrie Fisher.

Really? Yeah. Who wants to talk to Carrie Fisher? She's Princess Leia. She's still on A-plus list? Yeah. I mean, she's Star Wars. Because she's Princess Leia.

And when Harry met Sally. And when Harry met Sally. And the burbs. Don't forget about the burbs. Everyone loves the burbs. Everyone loves the burbs. I didn't realize you could achieve perma A-list. Oh, yeah.

Okay. Yeah, you can absolutely achieve Perma A-List. Wow. At the very least, Perma-A-list, name recognition. Yeah. Because that's how the blind item. separated sometimes, they say A-list name recognition

B-list celebrities. But she's Princess Leia, so she's A-list. I think it's on how you would be, if you went outside, how much you would be recognized. She'll be recognized until the day she dies. So she still looks pretty good, but she doesn't look like she's had a lot of work done. She has not had a lot of work done.

In fact, she speaks out against having a lot of work done. Good for her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That movie Postcards from the Edge. That was her autobiography. Really? I didn't know that. With Shirley MacLaine. Yeah, she's had a real hard time. Yeah, it was either autobiography or just a fiction book that she wrote. I love Charleston. But I believe it was her

autobiography. She had a real rough time, yeah. Because she's Debbie Reynolds' daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Man, rough. Do I also love? Remind me who Debbie Reynolds is again? She's from singing in the rain. One of my favorite tap dancing movies. You would know her completely, I'm sorry. I mean, huge.

I'm going to look up Debbie Reynolds right now. 50s, actress who was just adorable and super talented. But also I heard an alcoholic girl and like very mean. Okay, I recognize her as an old. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I definitely recognize her as an oldie. Boy, she looks like a real big bitch. God, she looks awful. She's got, oh, just look at that hair that she's got. Oh, we've got to see a younger picture of her. She's got that big poof hair. I'm sharing the hair to the live chat right now. I'm sharing the hair.

Sharing the hair. Sharing the hair. You got to see so much hair spray. That hair. Yeah, you guys got to see the hair. And by the way, we have been this entire time. We've had a live chat going with our listeners and we'll make all this available next week to everybody. Hi, listeners. But I've shared it to the life. And the first person, Anyosid, ew. Yeah, man, it's new.

Yeah, but find a picture of her when she said singing on the radio. She's like young. She's so cute. I want to look just like young her. Oh, yeah, she's hot as fuck. Yeah, right? Yeah, yeah, she's super fucking banging. Oh, damn. Yeah. She looks a lot like Judy Garland. I mean, it's that like classic era.

Yeah, finger curls and whatever. I'm not sure if I'm using the right word there. She's got that. But yeah, she's, uh, oh, and Johnny cruxes, hi Molly. Oh, hi. Hi. Hi. And we haven't had one of these in a while,

but it's time for a gay item. Is it John Trump? It's not John Trump. Mother fucker. We were so filled with excitement. But we haven't had a gay item in like a month. That's true.

We've been a little bit straight lately. Yeah, we've been a little ciscentric. A little heterocentric. Let's queer it up. Yeah, let's do it. This married still A-List rapper who hates the media was at a party this week and made sure to invite two gossip columnists. They are both gay and know all about his relationship with another man.

So he takes them out every so often to make sure they stay quiet. Molly, this is more your territory. Married A-list rapper. Not J-Z. No. And not Kanye. Kanye. Kanye?

Great. Oh, I totally want Kanye. to be a little bit gay. It would make a lot of sense. Yeah, right? And let him just, like, do his own thing. Because Kanye's good, you know that Kanye's a type of guy who's like, I'm not confined by labels

like heterosexual. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to make out with who I want to make out with, and I will. Oh, I bet he's a rough lover. Right? Kanye, so mean all the time. He can't, he can't fuck Jim Kardashian that often.

Oh, man. Because they're so busy? Yeah. And also, like, why was you want to? I bet she's not that good. I've talked about this before. I've seen her. She looks all right.

That was years ago, Marcus. And a lot of things change after you have a child, all right? And when you have less time to devote to your BJ positions. That is true, but, I mean, I'd still. I mean, you tap a coin on it. I understand. But, you know, he's got an experiment. He's all about, you know, breaking the bombs of this, whatever, whatever.

He can't be restricted. I love this blind item Oh let me ask you this Listener Cooper says Powerbottom What do you think? Whoa I feel like

Yeah but he would have to like Rough up the dude first It's like hard wrestling And then he's like You fuck me in the ass And then like the guy's like Okay You know like I bet he only like

Chuses dudes that don't really want to do it To let them do it You know I have no idea about Power Bottoms No Or power tops. I'm not familiar with the dynamics that go into deciding who's who.

Ah, but you know what a power bottom is, though. I think I can guess. Based on context clues, using context clues, yes, you can figure out what a power bottom is. I think I have a hunch. It's a guy that's on the bottom, but he does most of the work. I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, boom, boom. A lot of butt.

But, butt, butt, but, in fact, Alistair Crowley, we talked about this on last podcast on the left. but Alistair Crowley once took a guy out into the desert, fed him a whole bunch of peyote, and then power bottomed the guy into insanity. Whoa, that's kind of fun. That guy came out of the desert and he was never the same. I think it probably is more the peyote than it was the power bottom. I'm going to go with Jack.

It might have been a little bit more. So two things happened. One is insanity-inducing. The other was just fucking and it was totally... It's kind of meshing. Yeah, but Alck Crowley came out of it just fine. Oh, you had a great time. I bet he was sober as a cat.

Power bottom of the year, 1932. Man, especially in the desert. It's all dry and cold at night. And hot during the day. You could power bottom for at least 12 hours in that kind of tangition. Oh, God, I could only imagine how long it went on. I mean, it could have been, I mean, Pioti messes. It messes with your concept of time.

So it could have been four minutes that felt like 20 years. Man, that's awesome. Yeah. We gotta get some peyote. Good for Crowley. Do you want to fuck for 20 years? No, not the fucking part of it. More the desert and the peyote part of it.

You ever fucked on lucidogens? Yeah. It's amazing. Yeah, it's weird. You cry. I always cry. But it's definitely an experience. I don't think I could,

I think that I, yeah, no. The answer is no, but I can only imagine that it would be a lot. Oh, it is. I fucked on acid once. Ooh. Whoa. I changed positions about 10 times without ever changing positions. There you go.

It was amazing. The problem is, like, were you staring into a mirror? Because that's all I fucked up on acid. I was staring into a mirror the entire time. And I didn't really realize I was having sex. So it's kind of fun. And then the crying starts. Different.

Yeah, I didn't. It's fine. That's different. I did it. Power bottoming? The woman that I loved. Oh, no. What's that like?

All right, and that will Let's get out of here. The first ever live streamed page 7. Hell yeah, Barry did it. Everyone listen to Christmas music.

Listen at Christmas music. I'm Jackie Zabroski. I'm Molly Neffle. I'm Marcus Parks. And if the people that are listening to this on the podcast want to get in on the live stream, go to the cave comedy radio,

Facebook page and I'll let you all know exactly when we're going to be recording next. It's either going to be next. We're going to be recording either Mondays or Tuesdays coming up. We're going to be alternating but we will let people know on the cavecom radio.com side. We'll give you the live stream. We'll give you

the live chat so you guys can get in on it. They're having a great time in there. They haven't stopped. They haven't stopped. They've been having just a fantastic time. Johnny Krug says thanks, Marcus Molly and Jackie. Corey Griffin says, fuck Christmas music. Oh,

Shats fire. Calum says, love me. Super duper fucker says fucker. All right, does no fucking hold it on this goddamn podcast. He says fucker, fucker, fuckers. You're all fuckers. Oh, and Anno says Ho. You get out of this chat room. Jake says, appreciate your

shit. Corey Griffin says, fuck. Hold Nators and Josh says, whoop. All right, Corey's back in the good graces. Thank you very much. And thank you Flying Grave for saying Fantastic Show. As always, and yes, Jake, Dark Souls for Life. Oh, don't end it on Dark Souls for... Fucking...

Yeah.