Episode 103: Ernest Saves Christmas
00:00I don't understand it.I don't understand it.You don't understand it.We're live.Oh, my God.Oh, my Lord.Scooby-do.I'm right fucking here.
00:18Welcome to page seven, everybody.We are live streaming here for the very, very, very first time here on page seven.I'm Marcus Parks.I'm Jackie Zabrowski.I'm Molly Nethyl.I'm not.I'm supposed to sing along with the song.I want to sing along with the fucking song.
00:35Yeah.So we're here.Holy shit.It's scary.I don't get it.It's just supposed to be me and Marcus Smalley's all new.I usually imagine that this is not even ever broadcasted.It's just an excuse for the three of us to get together and chat.
00:49Yeah, I thought, isn't that what it is?Do people listen to this?I didn't think so.But I guess, man, now we're going to fucking talk all about it.Right now I can't get last five years out.to my head because the trailer came out today.Uh-oh, nerd alert. I love the musical the last five years and it is coming out in a movie form.I'm not familiar.
01:12It's so good. It's so good. It's another Jason Robert Brown. I love it.I can't sing it on here right now even though I really want to.Can you do me a favor? I don't want to put you on the spot, but you could also sing the song that we were listening to in the bar before we came out of here.It immediately went out of my head. What was it?That one?Oh, me, my name of my heart.Yeah.The boom boom in my heart.
01:35Yeah.Does anyone know what that song is?What song is?If anyone that's listening knows what that song is, it was playing out there.We don't know the words enough to even sing it clearly.I don't know anything about it.I know that I know the song.And we both know that we like it.
01:49I think it's boom boom, boom into my heart.Boom, boom into my heart.All right, I'll check.I'll Google boom boom into my heart.Oh, something comes on.Wham!do the jitterbugThat one?
02:03It is not.Boom, boom, it's a jitterbug.Why would you call a phone a jitterbug?To appeal to the elders.Really?Jitterbug, that's what gets them.I think that's the dance that they used to wham to.Yeah, but the jitterbug is a very different song for the dance, though, right?
02:47No, that's a very good point.It's a lot of knees and a lot of legs, right?Or my thing is the Charleston.Yes, the Charleston.Is that the same as the jitterbuck?Oh, nope, no, very different.Jitterbug, I think, is that thing.when they take their hands up in the air
03:02and they do the no, no, no.And they swing their hips.So it's like a chicken dance, but with a finger wet.Yeah, yeah.Exactly.We were talking about singing,and we were all treated to a pretty mediocreto poor performance last week
03:22at the Rockefeller tree lighting ceremony.We don't really need to go into pure detailas to what else was happening at the Rockefellertree lighting ceremony that night.Other things, protest type things, whatever.But there's a big tree.And they put fucking lights on it.I will say, people were very excited to see the tree.
03:42People were jumping barricades to get to that tree.They really were.Even, you know, cops on horses showed up because horses love trees.Man, I love cops and horses.I thought they did away with cops on horses.They still have them.They're still out every so often, just to put the fear of God in you.It makes me think of Sleepy Hollow.
04:00Yeah.I saw a cop on a horse in my neighborhood in Bushwick once.That was unsettling.Yeah, that horse has gone out of its way.By himself?He was just him and his horse?No, it was a cop on a horse.I know who was cop on a horse.
04:13Not like a little cop.No, it wasn't a parade.It was just a cop on a horse, and that was it.It was very unsettling.It can't be an effectual policing tool in Bushwick.Yeah, but I imagine they carry with them, what are those?What did the mountain have?A whip?
04:28hand, no, not a whip. Jousting.Like a jousting tallyn? What are the talons called?I think it's just called sticks.It's just a stick?Just that josting stick.So that if you need to like bust up, I think the primary crime in Bushwick is probablydudes drinking on the street, you know, so you can just.Yeah, you pierce them, bash it right out of their hands.
04:45You shish kebab them.No juice drinking on the street.That's kind of fun. Oh, juice.I love me some juice drinking it right now.Hope everyone else has got their juice.Sponsored by juice.J-O-O-Z.J-O-O-Z.
05:01Jules.We have, not only do we have a recording of the performance of Mariah Carey singing,all I want for Christmas is you at the tree lighting ceremony,but somebody isolated her vocals.Also, I wish you could just, I mean, you can also hear how cold she is because she had no clothes on.She had no, everyone else had coats on.It's okay, girl, put on a coat.Yeah, you're a vocalist.
05:26Don't your vocal cords need to be warm?breasts were out, all my father could talk about was staring at her breasts.She's like, oh, she looks pretty fucking good.And why she's like, 40?The little breasts looked great.It's like, Dad, stop looking at her breasts.We're listening to, all I want for Christmas is you.And all you're talking about is a goddamn breasts.
05:44All right, well, let's take a listen.Let's hear some of this.Oh, no.Don't want a lot for Christmas.To be fair, she couldn't hear anything in her earpiece.It starts out.Sounds okay.Because she could start to hear it.
06:02You could watch when she couldn't hear it anymore.I don't care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree.I just want you for my own.Why did he?More than you could ever know.Mm-hmm.Make my wish come to roo.Oops.
06:23Oh.Oh.Oh.Oh.Oh.Oh.YeahYou
06:39And that goes on for another three minutesI think we're fineThat's all we needI think it was ToddTodd Gray that saidOn lines like I can't wait for Jackie to talk about thisI did watch itI watched the live event
06:55On what was it NBC or ABC or whatever the fuck it wasAnd II almost cried because I was so upset for herbecause she sung it.I know she couldn't hear.She obviously was upset about it,but she sung it 800 million times.That was exactly what I was going to say.
07:13I'm not, I mean, God help me,I could never, ever, ever sing and sound halfway decent at all.And I know that the monitor thingand you not being able to hear yourself,but this is like fucking Moriah Carey's one job.Every fucking year.She got this hit. It's hard to get a new hit.It's hard to get a new Christmas hit.
07:31This is the singular song.for better or for worse, I think probably worse,that defines Mariah Carey, I think.In terms of the pop, she's written many,or she's sung many, many, very good songs.Oh, yeah, shoot it up, down.But like this fucking sound.See, let me sing it.
07:48I'll fucking sing it.I would have sounded better.Yeah, you would have done good.What I understand is like,where's that a little fucking girlthat sang it in love actually?She didn't get any, I mean,she got accolades when it first came out.
08:00But why don't they have a little girl sing it?Yeah.Why do they keep letting Mariah Carey?Well, she must be aNow she's probably ugly.Young woman now.No, no, no, she's hitting ugly years.No, she didn't age well.
08:11Her name is Olivia Olson.She looks okay.She's all right.She's all right.She's all right.Nexted.Yeah, she just gotSwap.
08:21Lips.Meanwhile, the little boyfriendLove actually is on Game of Thrones.But also looks.Yeah, weird kid who turned into a weirdlooking adult.Who does he play on Game of Thrones?He is.
08:33The brother of like the weird brother and sister that like help, what's his name?The little prince halfling when he's got, his legs don't work.Brain.Oh, yeah, that's right.The kid, the kid that's right, the Kranogman.Yes.Yeah, yeah, yeah.He always looks like he's in a scowl.
08:51The green sear.Yes.Yeah, that guy, you know that guy's like 28?Yeah, yeah, yeah.But he ain't looking any better.I would rather see him paired with Liam Neeson.Put Liam Neeson next to him and he's fine.He's great.
09:03Yeah, little little kids can be so weird looking and still so cute.Yeah.And then things get complicated.Especially, you know, his mom died and that whole thing.You watch Love Actually this year yet, Marcus?Of course not.I never watched Love Actually.You asked me last year in the year before that.
09:17You should watch it.You should watch it.I'm not going to watch it.I'm not going to watch Scrooge and I watched Christmas Vacation.Although yesterday, I did watch Ernest Saves Christmas.Okay, I'll watch Ernest Saves Christmas.I haven't seen it since I was a kid.I loved it when I was a kid.
09:29And it is a weird fucking movie.The movie is a weird fucking movie.funny. It's notit's just like the entire time she's likewhat? Why?This is so weird. I haven't seenan earnest movie since I was a kidand I fear returning
09:45to them only because the premise evenwhen I was a kid I was like this premise doesn'tmake any sense. Ernest scared stupidholds up that one I loveI need to see that again. You know what I mean?I was looking at work on my earnest impersonationsand he's hard to impersonate.He just makes me sound like
09:59my boyfriend's brother Justinbecause he got to talk like this.But he died of throat cancer,so there's only so many jokes you can make.Yeah.Yeah, it's a little rough.But he always says, you know what I mean?And then he does this weird laugh thing.
10:12He's like, ha-ha-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ha.Where he doesn't use his mouth muscles.It's pretty great.I love it.Watch Ernest saves Christmas.The whole premise of Ernest is that he's just like a kind of lost man-child, right?Yeah.He has a really good heart.
10:28He has a great heart.First, he was a camp counselor.and at first he was a camp counselor.And he was bad at it at first and he was bad at it at first and then he was great at it.And then he went to jail and he was bad at it at first and then he was great at it.And then it does the same thing with Christmas, Halloween, and then he goes to Africa.That was rough.That's really where it took a turn for the worst.
10:52It's a little rough.Oh yeah.On the cover he's wearing an African tribal mask but only a rough.His face comes through and you see the goofy Ernest's face.And you see the hat.And then there was Ernest Goes to the Army.I believe that's all the earnest movies that there were before he died.In my head, he was much bigger than he actually was.
11:11Like, celebrity-wise.I thought Ernest was huge.And I don't think he actually was.I think it was maybe we were right at the right age to be kids and just hear about those movies all the time.And so think that that's the world to you because your world is small.Doesn't hold up.No.That's all right.
11:29All right.After Ernest scared stupid.We had Ernest rides again.Ernest goes to school.Slam dunk, Ernest.That can't be a good one.It can't be good.Ernest goes to Africa and Ernest in the Army.
11:41Well, he never wanted to be Ernest.Yeah, that was the horrible thing about it.He wanted to be a serious actor.Oh, poor.And they just kept giving a movies and they're like,you're Ernest now.You're earnest forever.You will never escape Ernest.
11:52It's kind of sad.That is tragic.I do want to quickly jet back to the Rockefeller tree lighting.Sure.Because when did Seth,McFarland become a croonerwhich apparently according to my motherI watched this with my family
12:06she says everybody knows that SethMcFarland can sing and that heis the new MichaelBoubley that is the quoteHe just released a Christmas albumI guess she's like he is the new croonerhe's the new Michael Booblaybut she calls him Bubbly
12:21and I was like I hate MichaelBubbleywhatever you want to fucking say it I don't like himI think he looks like he has a molester's facejust the way Seth McFarland sounds like Stewie singing a Christmas song.You can't brand yourself as both a crooner and the family guy guy.I'm sorry, you can't do it.No.
12:42Yeah.And his voice was fine.I think he sang with Idina Manzel, which, love her.Love Idina Mazzel.Well, let's hear Seth McFarland sing, baby, it's cold outside.It's fine.Featring.It's Stewie.
12:57Yeah.Put some records on while I pour.No, it sounds like he's doing an impression of a career.Say, what's in this day?No cap to be had out there.It's creepy.Yeah, I don't like that one bit.It's creepy and it's unsettling.
13:10I don't like that either.No, he's trying to have his cake and eat it too.I love that song.I know everyone's like, it's a rape song.It's not.This is a great, like, have a good time song.I wish I was in that situation.I mean, there would be no songs.
13:22I'd be like, all right, I'll stay.Give me a drink.Speaking of really sexual songs about Christmas,I was in my hometown recently, and they were playing,I was at a restaurant, and they were playing Santa Baby,but being sung by a dude.And I was like, this is super gay and fantastic.It was such a surprise.
13:46Because that's really not a gender neutral song.It can be, of course, if you want it to be super gay,but it's definitely presuming Santa is a boy, having a boy sing it.Maybe Santa's a woman now, just like God is a woman.woman. You know, maybe you need to get thatinto your head that maybe it could be a woman.Why can't a woman ride a sleigh and deliver presentsto everyone across the world?
14:09I've got something for you.This is the gay men's chorus of Los Angeles singingSanta Baby. All right.All they really dreamy.Oh.All right.Okay.Everyone's laughing and enjoy it.
14:34That's so gay.That's great.I mean, don't get me wrong.I was thrilled.It was just a surpriseto be in like a family restaurantlistening to Christmas music.And then like gay Santa Baby came on
14:49in my little town.It was a pleasant surprise.Another, I wouldn't call it a pleasant surprise.But I did find my mother's ChristmasCDs when I was at home.And I found her when Rosie O'Donnell had the showand she was huge.she released a Christmas album
15:04that she sang with every songshe would sing with a different personalityshe did sing I saw Mommykissing Santa Clauswith Angelica Pickles from the Rugratsand it made me want to throw upall over myselfthat I listened to it three times in a row
15:20now what's it called it? What was the name of the song?Well I'm pretty sure it wasI saw Mommy kissing Santa Clauswhich is another problematicwell not problematic but it's another weirdiewhen you think of that. It is a weirdieit's definitely a weirdie whichI mean, I guess it makes me think of, I watched Bad Santa last night.
15:36Fuck me, Santa, fuck me Santa.This is the most 90s thing that has ever happened.It's a nice little polka.It's just the whole album.My God!The whole album.The whole album is awful, and I pulled it out, and I was like, Mom, why do you still have this?She goes, oh my God, I love that album.
16:16And then we had to all listen to it together.Has this, like, awful Celine Dion song.She sings with Cher when, like, shares in her real, like, ho-ho phase.A secondary character from a Nickelodeon cartoon, though.At least shares.Was she going to sing with Tommy Pickles?Yeah, the character that nobody likes.Right.
16:36Nobody likes Angelica.Yes.In fact, I've got a...I got a listener,Corey Griffin said,Angelica was the biggest cunt of my whole childhood.She was such a fucking bitch.That idiot doll that was half bald
16:48with the hair sticking up and weird.It's like,cut the girl's hair off.Cut that doll's hair off.Yeah.It looked like an idiot would own a doll.Yeah,Angelica Pickles was like the prototype
16:59of like the shrill bossin every romantic comedy.Oh, yeah.You know, like the ball buster like,meow.Meow.She made the whole show up.Honestly, I don't know.
17:10Lil and Phil kind of pissed me off too.Yeah, I didn't like them either.In fact, you know what?I didn't like Tommy either.Don't go there.Don't say things you're going to regret, Marcus.Wait, wait, wait, which one was the main character?The baby, baby.
17:22Tommy, Tommy, Tommy, okay, yeah, yeah.He was good.You got along with everyone.Chuckie.You surely love Chuckie.I loved it.Chuckie was the only, he was all right.Wait a second, Molly.
17:30Did you like this because it reminded you of, like, Charlie Brown?You know me very well.Oh my GodOh my GodRugrats is Charlie BrownYeah I think it basically isI hadn't actually quiteThere's the dog
17:45YeahAnd there's the bitch girlThere's the bitch girlAnd then there's the smart oneThe lovableLike kind of neutral male protagonistOf Tommy or Charlie BrownInteresting
17:54And then like Phil and Lilare kind of like the LucyNot Lucy LinusAnd what's his sister's nameBitchy blondeSally? SallySally's not that bitchyI'm sorry
18:05Pussy blondeThey've been pussy blonde.Yeah, that's Phil and Lil.There you go, done.We just fucking compared them.I was explaining the story of Charlie Brown Christmasto one of the guys that I work withwho is Mexican.
18:19He doesn't really know a whole lot aboutthe American culture of Christmas.And I explained to him Charlie Brownbecause I was making him listento the Charlie Brown Christmas soundtrack at work.Which is fantastic.Only make anyone listen to Christmas music now.And he was like, that sounds sad.
18:34Why would anyone want to watch that?I was like, you know, I don't know why anyone wants to watch it.It is really fucking sad.The peanuts were relentlessly sad.It's so fucking sad.Like, me as a depressed child literally read the peanuts like to cope, not to laugh,but to be like Charlie Brown is as depressed as I am.It is tragic the peanuts.
18:55I mean, Snoopy, he usually did okay.He was just lazy.He was just in his own world too.Yeah, right.He dealt with the tragic world around him by completely detaching from reality,whereas Charlie Brown just dweltin it. He just pitied himself.Poor fucker.
19:11Yeah, and Lucy just went through and made life as miserableas she possibly could for everyone around her.And she did that weird therapist thingwhere she made him pay for her shit advice.Yeah, and all she would do is just tell people they sucked.Yeah, that's kind of a good racket though.That is a great racket.Well, let's move on to somebody who's actually got
19:32an amazing racket going.Yeah.The owner of Grumpy Cat makes what made $100 million over the past two years,making $80 million more than Gwyneth Paltrow.Yay.So the cat actually looks like that, right?There was no surgical enhancements.No, the cat's got dwarfism and an underbite.
19:56Oh, I mean, he's cute.He's adorable.But I walked into my niece's room.She's obsessed with Grumpy Cat currently.They have Grumpy Cat everything.You can get anything Grumpy Cat right now.And she's like, yeah, Jackie, don't you like Grumpy Cat?I was like, I don't give a fuck about Grumpy Cat.
20:10Act. Act. Act.So who's the Grumpy Cat in this situation?How did the little girl react then?She was fine with that she understood.I don't keep shit from my niece.She's eight years old. It's time to man up.You're going to expose her to the hard stuff.Yeah, man. Fuck Grumpy Cat.
20:27Yeah.But he's making all that money.Good for him.Yeah, great for Grumpy Cat.Her owner's a 28-year-old.woman, she said that she was able to quit her waitress job within days of the cat's firstappearance on social media. She said her phone hasn't stopped ringing since. Grumpy Cat made morethan Nicole Kidman, Matt Damon, and Matthew McConaughey. Matthew McConaughey? I like that
20:52even better than Gwyneth Paltrow. Damn, don't you dare, all these stupid backlash. I hate thisbacklash that's happened against Matthew McConaughey. I just, I know he's a very talented actor and I'lladmit that after true detective, I just alsofind him to be a little bit insufferable.No, he is very sufferable.He's extremely sufferable. I want to sufferall over his fucking cock.I want to suffer in the same room as him
21:15and hang out. Okay, that's fine.You can be in the same room as us.Not while that's happening.Were you the one who told me that Taylor Kitch was going to bethe time? Yam, yam, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum,he's in the next true detective. I belong withRachel McAdams. I will suffer over that.Man, fucking, I'm going to suffer.
21:31I'm going to suffer.I forgot exactly what the, they put out what his character's going to be.It's basically just like, like, detective with a hard pass.Oh, yeah.Yeah.Oh, my God.He got all the brother named Billy.Oh, my God, I love him so much.
21:50I couldn't give a fuck about Colin Firth.What was the other one?Colin Farrell.And Vince Farril.And Vince Fawn.Well, neither one of them.Yeah.Vince Fawn.
21:56That's the one who, we're going to have to actually suffer through Vince Fawn.It's going to be great.He'll be fine.Elizabeth Moss, she's going to be, I mean, she's an early frontrunner.She might be in it.Who's that?The Peggy from Mad Men.Oh.
22:10Also from West Wing.Also from West Wing.Sorry, I haven't seen this.I haven't watched Mad Men, so it's fine.I find it boring.Yeah, that's, that's fine.I'll give you that.I can't believe you like Mad Men.
22:22What?Isn't it all about men in power?Yeah, but it's, it's self-aware.Oh, okay.All right.It's like, aren't these men terribly obnoxious?These men are impover.power and they're terrible.
22:33Yeah, but it's also very sexy.It's like, aren't these sexy men in power terrible and also sexy?Is it like Tim Riggins sexy?A little bit more high pants, tucked in shirts, fedores.Not so, like, drunk and long hair.Yeah, a little more cleaned up than Tim Riggins.Yeah, drunk, but short hair.All right, I don't like that.
22:54Moose back hair.Yeah, it's a certain type of aesthetic.But Don Draper, I mean, what's his real name?Fucking John Hamm.What they're all using like L.A. looks, right?Remember L.A. looks?Yeah, L.A. looks, the, yeah, the hair gel.Yeah.
23:11I've found Henry's old L.A. looks while we were at home.Henry used to gel his hair back.I feel like we're going on a...This episode is a gradual tour of your childhood home.Well, I have a lot.We were there for a long time.You got a lot to unpack.You have any picks of...
23:27I have to let it out.You got any picks of Henry with his gelled...No, I don't.Frosted tips?I have to send out the picture of Gracie, our 500-pound laboratory.Oh, my God.I said it in the text, and I'll say it again.I'm going to call social services on your mother.
23:41What you're doing to that dog is cruel.I watched, my mom wanted Doug to put eggs that had cheese on them in Gracie's dish that had bacon ripped up on top.And Doug was just like, I don't want to do it.I was like, just do it.She wants me to do it.And I just watched him like, slowly and very upset.Scraped the eggs with the cheese.and bacon into her dish
24:03and she just came overshe's too fat to stand upso she pulls herself on her pawsfrom where she was sitting to thefood dish and didn't get upoff the foodwith her face layingin the dish
24:20who is the saddestthing I'd ever seeoh Godit's roughit's roughYeah!Yes!I did it!
24:39That whole thing was one long setup for that excellent joke.I congratulate you.Let's just move on Leonardo to Caprio.Oh yeah, Leo is...He's doing well for himself, too, right?Oh, my God.He apparently left a party.He was hanging out with one of the Jonas brothers.
25:04They were suddenly surrounded.All of them that don't matter?Joe, I believe it was Joe Jonas.All right.And they were suddenly surrounded by 20 models, 20 different models, all hot.Leonardo DiCaprio decides he's had enough, he's going to leave, and all 20 women left with him.God damn, what I would do to be one of those models.So did he just leave Joe Jonas in the dust?
25:29Yeah.I would. I absolutely, yeah.Well, honestly, you are, you know, you are a model.If you're going to choose between Joe Jonas, who is a lot younger, he's very in shape,or Leonardo DiCaprio. I'm going with Leonardo DiCaprio.Of course. I mean, no contest.And everyone is in a who-ha about this.Give me a fucking break. It's Leonardo DiCaprio.
25:50He can do whatever we want. I bet he didn't bang all of them.No.But I bet he showed him all a great time.I bet he did. I'm sure he did a lot of watching.Oh, my God.They did so much.I just see him in a throne.Like he's got a big fuck room and he's got a watching throne.
26:05And he's just watching and he's twirling his mustache.And he's just saying good.Which also, it's consensual.They're all into it.They all chose to leave with him.So what the fuck does it matter?As long as they all have fun, you know,Leonardo DiCaprio can fuck or watch as many people fuck as he wants.
26:21Man, imagine you had a great night.Yeah.Damn.Just to be a fly on the wall.Man, I would watch.I watch a hell out of it.Him's just like jerking off all over him.Do we ever fear that Leo
26:35will become less sexy as he ages?No, it doesn't happen to hot men.No, I don't think so.I think he's only getting better looking.That's the way it happens with the baby-faced ones.Am I right?Damn, well, we'll see how it goes, Marcus.I wish the listeners could see the face you just made, Marcus.
26:51So smug.Well, we will be video streaming soon, so you'll be able to see it.That's scary. I can't deal with video streaming.People will watch our every move.I don't know. I got a really big plaid shirt on, so.Yeah, I'm not, oh man, I'm going to have to actually think about what I wear to work.Fuck that.You wear the same three shirts.
27:10Yeah.That is true. I do wear the same thing.It's great.Yeah, you look good.Thank you.Thank you very much.You don't have to change a thing.Oh, that's fantastic.
27:19None of us have to change the thing.We all look fantastic.Yeah, I forgot about that part.Yeah, you look good.Be proud.And there's one other person who's, you know,having a great romantic time, but it's not Leonardo DiCaprio on probably his, you know,1,020th to his 1,040th woman.
27:36It's her number one, Susan Boyle, at the age of 54, has her first boyfriend.Oh, my gosh.She dreamed to dream.Man, what does her boyfriend look like?He's apparently a doctor that she met on tour.Good for fucking her.I hope he's so hot.I hope he realizes that she doesn't have any money.
27:57Is that true?She can't have any way.I mean, she did well for a bit, but that was like a stint.Well, I think she makes a lot of money just touring around.I'd imagine she gets paid a ton of money.I'm sure she sells out every concert she has.Really?I bet so.
28:11Yeah, I'll bet a lot of people who saw her on whatever the hell has talent it waswere like, you know, like moms, middle-aged people want to be like,oh, she's such an inspiration.You got a pick?Oh, no, I've got her net worth in April of 20.2012, her estimated net worth was 22 million pounds, probably about $40 million American.Great.Damn.
28:35Yeah.And I guarantee she hadn't spent all that in the last two years.She seems frugal to me.She seems modest.Oh, my gosh.Yeah, she's laughing all the way to the bank with that one and everyone who was ever a dick to her.What if she's dating like a plastic surgeon?All of a sudden, she's going to get all tight face.
28:49She's going to look like Merrill Street.Did they try, didn't they try to do that to her, give her like a little bit of a makeover?but it was not, it was one of those makeoversand what, yeah, it wasn't like a big reveal.It was just like, oh, you got your eyebrows waxand a little haircut.Yeah, she got a haircut.Good. Good. That's great. Good for her.
29:04Some new makeup.But she sings poorly, correct?What are you talking about?I think she sings great.I dreamed a dream of days of something gone by.That is a lay miss song.Yeah, that's what she sang that made her famous, though.Oh.
29:19But I also have that in my headbecause I recently watched Lay Miss.So good, so good.So good.So good.I didn't even have a problem with fucking Russell Crow or Ann Hathaway.I mean, he wasn't the best.No, but I took him as he was.
29:35All right, let's hear Susan Boyle singing I dreamed a dream.Yeah.Oh, she hit the note.That's pretty great.This is her very first, this is her, Britain's Got Talent Performance.God, I love, Les Mis.God, everyone needs to listen to Laymiss.It's so good.
30:09It's so good.It's so good.Honestly, Molly, give last five years a shot.I'm not, I'm only talking about it on this podcast.In my real life, I have to keep it under wraps.I love it so much.It's so good.But Anna Kendrick is going to be it, and I don't think I like her.
30:28I don't think I like her.Who she?You know her if you saw her, tight face, tiny bitch.Yeah.She's in the new Into the Woods.Listen.Oh, her.Yeah.
30:39Yeah, you've seen her.Yeah.In the musical, it's like, it's about five years in this relationship.They meet at 25.They have a horrible breakup at 30.And, like, they're supposed to be older and they're too young for it.But I'm going to watch it.I can't wait.
30:54And they cry every time you listen to it.The last five years, eh?Oh, yeah, man.So good.You won't like it, Marcus.No, no.I know I won't.I know I won't.
31:06I know I won't.I know I won't.It's really beautiful, though.We've got a little bit of music from that.Let's see.Well, this is the first clip.It's too young.She doesn't understand.
31:21I don't feel about hurt in her voice.Look at this.Ew.No.No.No.They're making it out in a car.They're getting real close to fucking.
31:37She's singing it.Wow.They're doing this.Getting undressed.I mean, she sounds good.But it looks so, okay, so here's what I learned from Le Miz.That Le Miz did that's actually really interestingis that they made everyone sing on set.
31:50And like, so it looks.That's what they're doing now.Yeah, and it's great because it doesn't look ridiculous.And that clip that we just watched looked ridiculous.You can't sing and fuck that enthusiastically.Try it.I'm going to.All right.
32:05Now I know the whole song.I'll fucking sing it while I'm trying to lay down my track.Oh, next time I have sex, I'm going to try to sing space oddity at the same time.That's easy to do.That's very, I've done that before.Ground control to Major Tom.Commencing countdown, engines on.Honestly, it sounds pretty fucking great.
32:31Actually, it sounds great, yeah.Yeah, that's probably the one song.Take uprope bells and put your helmets on.That's what you say is you're putting on the condom.She puts it on with her mouth as you do the countdown.This is round control to Major Tom.Oh man, David Bowie's so good.Oh, man, he's so amazing.
32:54But you know what else is amazing?The list!Who's on the list?Yeah, got to have that list.Ooh, it's ten celebrities who stayed friends post-breakup.Oh, this is nice.Yeah, this is a nice one.This is a very nice one.
33:07I bet it's all bullshit, but I'll listen to the list.Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina JolieStill in each other's livesBut she got the tattoo removedUnderstandableUnderstandableBut bad Santa is a hard movie to watchIs it?
33:22Yeah, I mean it's good but roughIt's on NetflixAre they both in it together?No, just Billy Bob ThorntonHe's just so badHe's a bad SantaHe's the worst sadHe's such a bad
33:34Fuck me SantaI maybe want to fuck somebodyIn a Santa suit at leastOkay well you could make that happenYeah, you can make that.Yeah, yeah, yeah.He was a thin Santa anyway.I'll just get a Santa Supertog.
33:46Give him a bottle of whiskey.You make him hit me a few times.We'll have a night.And Doug's got a belly.He don't you talk about his belly.Oh, come on.I practice with a guy every week, and he always wears those shirts that your mom gave them.And they're the sleeveless shirts.
34:02And they're too small.I know.They're too small.And that belly is protruding.Oh, I know.I did it. I made it.Cameron Diaz,speaking of bad movies, she's a bad
34:18teacher. Her and Justin Timberlake are still friends.They dated? Yeah. Yeah, they did.Oh my lord, I completely forgot.Aguana tits. I can'tlook at her and I'll think about herguana eye tits, man. She alsokind of has iguana eyes.She does. Maybe she's just too
34:35wide for her body. Yeah.I think that's it. Yeah. It couldstructurally because she's not fat.No, her features are too wide forher bones. Interesting.I wonder what I'm pushing.Normal. Normal. It's probably normal.Do you think she's got the Audi lips or the any ones?
34:53Outy lips. Gotta be outy lips.If she's pushed, if she's pulledtoo far horizontally,then the lips have to gosomewhere and they probably got the roast beefcurtains.Outy lips.Oh my God.
35:08Well, Joe Jonas and Demi Lovato, they stayed friends.Good for them.Ryan Philippi and Reese Witherspoon.Remember when they were like the it?And remember when they now don't exist to anyone anymore?Neither one of them.Yeah, but they had kids, right?Yeah.
35:28And they were like when we were in sixth grade, they were both the hot thing.Yeah, they were.And Reese Witherspoon, she was in that movie The Devil's Not about the West Memphis three that come out last year.Oh, yes.It was great.Yeah.Yeah, she was great in it.It's a real good movie.
35:41I would recommend it to anybody out there.I'd like to see that.Oh, yeah, yeah.I think it might be on Netflix, actually.Yeah, boy, man.Ryan Phillipie is not doing well.That hair can't age well.He had brillopad hair and not J.T.
35:55Brillopin.I was going to say J.T. aged quite well.JT. aged well, but his hair wasn't quite as voluptuously brillopat.Like, it wasn't SOS.Like his was more of like a heavy-duty sponge.And he's got SOS, man.He's like for when you need to, like, de-gunk your pan.Oh, yeah, man.
36:14He's got gunk all in.Oh, yeah, here's his last few movies.Catch hell, reclaim, straight age.Don't know it.Straight AIDS.Revenge for Jolly.No one knows these movies.He's got an exclamation point on it.
36:28No.Set up The Lincoln Lawyer.That was with Matthew McConaughey.And he was in a TV series called Pretend Timein which he played handsome guyin an episode calledPowder DonutsMake Me Go nuts
36:40He's overIs what you're sayingOh he is overHe's got aHe plays a copIn the new TV seriesSecrets and LiesWhich is in pre-production
36:51Right nowThat's coming out next yearWhat is the sexy movieI keep wanting to say needful thingsCruel intentionsCruel intentionsWhich is a great bookOh that's a real thing
37:01It's a Stephen King bookOh okayOh manAnd it isIt's time for Blind Item!We can't see him!Oh, first one up.I love this one.
37:12You're going to love this one too, Jackie.Probably you too, Molly.I hope we all love this one.I hope we all love it too, and I think we will.Well, maybe I'll hate it.Oh, fuck.You bitch.You are being a bitch right now.
37:25You've not heard from this guy in a while,but you'll probably see him on your screens if you like comedy Christmas movies.He was a B-List mostly movie actor who's not acted in a while,thanks to some issues of his own.making. Apparently, he's in some trouble for stalking Eric Estrada.What?I thought about making Eric blind, but how would you describe him?Our actor sends 20 to 30 emails a day to Eric, the rambling kind.
37:53Think Christmas movies.Shitters full.Shitters full?Shitters full.Tim Allen?No.Think the best Christmas movie.Think of a guy.
38:06Bill Murray?No.Jenny Chase?Well, right movie.Oh, Randy Quaid.That's right.Oh, yeah.Of course, Erica Strata.
38:17But that's the thing.Does he think that Eric Estrada is like a part of like the Illuminite?Like he's trying to kill him?Is that why he's obsessed with him?I could imagine.It's very possible.Oh my God.He's so funny.
38:30He's crazy.He is such a funny person, man.Are we surprised to find out that he's a little bit of a weirdo though?No, no, he's like living in like a bunker right now.Yeah, well, he was living in a, him and his wife were living in a hotel for a while,but they got kicked out and they blamed the Illuminati for it.He thinks that they're coming after him.And then they got arrested for breaking and entering and various other crimes.
38:52And he's been under the radar for a while now.But man, he's actually a great actor.If you go back to his early days, you watch the last picture show.Midnight Express?Midnight Express.Yeah.The last detail is so good.It's fucking great.
39:04It's one of Randy Quaid's forgotten performances.and in fact one of Jack Nicholson's forgotten movies.But the last detail is fantastic.I'm always amazed at how many movies you guys have seen that are the same movies.Because I've never seen anything,I'm always just blown away by your guys' movie knowledge.You should watch a lot of details really good.Yeah.
39:25Well, we also have very similar movie taste.Yeah, I mean, that's the thing.Yeah.Love you, Jackie.Love you, Marcus.Bubba Duke.Bubba Duke.Have you seen Babad Duke?
39:34I haven't seen Bubba Duke yet.You are getting, you got to get on the Duke train.Well, I've been in a Dark Souls hole.Yeah, I know, but Duke Train, man.Yeah, you had to hear me and Holden talk about Dark Souls for a good 20 minutes.The slumbering dragon crest ringer.I don't give a fuck about Dark Souls.Oh, do you want to hear about my latest trip to Ann Orlando?
39:51I hate video games.Unless it's Mario Kart.Anything else I don't want to hear about.I'm with you.Although, speaking of scary things, just real quick, I am currently reading the Amityville horror.Oh, how you like it?I'm loving it so far.Great book.
40:06You're reading a scary book.I am.My co-worker gave it to me, and so I am going to read it.How have you been sleeping?Well, so far.Okay.Yeah.Just wait.
40:15It is scary.I'm early on, so I fear what will happen.It's going to get really weird.Like, you're going to get freaked the fuck out.And then after you watch it, watch the original movie, and then after that, watch thedocumentary that is about the kid that grew up in the Amityville Horror House.Dude is fucked up.He's fucked up.
40:35Wait, is it real?Yeah.Yeah, he is fucked up for life.Whoa.Yeah.So that's your homework.Whoa.You have a few weeks to complete it.
40:46I will complete these tasks.I got a nerd alert for my Dark Souls talk.Well, you, rightly so.Thank you.Nerd alert.You just got next to.You are a nerd.I mean, everyone knows you're a fucking nerd.
40:58Yeah, but I got it from the flyin grape.So who's the nerd?Flying grape.That's his username.I don't understand what that means.I don't know.No, but he's the Flying Grape, and he gave me a nerd.Well, you are a nerd, and there's an alert out for your arrest.
41:10We support you, Flying Grape.Because we're the cool police.Yeah, both of your super, yeah, you're both super fucking cool.Yeah, why don't you go listen to your musicals, Jackie?Don't you dare.Why don't you go watch some tap dancing videos, Molly?I don't mind if I do.I will.
41:26Thank you for the invitation.Yeah, put the switch on to Molly, yeah.Oh, and someone says, Marcus, don't listen to them.Thank you, Jake.Oh, man.He's on my soul.He says Dark Souls is the shit.Thank you, Jake.
41:40He's in your nerds.Dark Soulsy video games.Jake and Marcus can go playtheir Dark Souls together.Well, it's a one-player game.And it requires solitudeand concentration.Oh, that's so sad, Marcus.
41:54Finish this game.No, I'm only halfway through.And it's a very hard game, so you can lookforward to at least another two months of this.No, not two months.At least.Jesus Christ.Holden's breezing through.
42:05it. Well, Holden's already played it before.Oh, that's sad.Oh, that's really sad.I'm like, I'll do it again.That's really sad.Yes, but we're both having a lot of fun with it.We've got our next blind item up.We've got a super nice one.
42:20This one's actually, we've got a kindness blind item, as they call it, on the blinditems page.This A-list, mostly movie actress, who is still in a franchise that's got a new moviecoming out next year while she does other things that are notin front of the camera granted a make a wish wish a few years ago and talks to the little girlthree times each week at the exact time of the day those three days she's not only granted awish but made the girl a part of her life and family why isn't the girl dead yetdoesn't this mean don't they get to make a wish when they're about to die i think that sometimes
43:01they rally sounds like bullshit sounds like a lot of fucking bullshit sounds like a lot of fucking bullshitThat sounds like something fell through the cracks.I'm going to make my fucking wish.Tim Riggins in my goddamn bad.And I'm fucking take me, give me a touchdown.Okay, this is also a very nerdy one.She was in the third movie of the series, episode six.She was in a sexy bikini.
43:28And there was a fat monster going,Oh, she Boko.Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.Princess Leia.Yes.Really?The original one?Carrie Fisher.
43:37Really?Yeah.Who wants to talk to Carrie Fisher?She's Princess Leia.She's still on A-plus list?Yeah.I mean, she's Star Wars.Because she's Princess Leia.
43:47And when Harry met Sally.And when Harry met Sally.And the burbs.Don't forget about the burbs.Everyone loves the burbs.Everyone loves the burbs.I didn't realize you could achieve perma A-list.Oh, yeah.
43:57Okay.Yeah, you can absolutely achieve Perma A-List.Wow.At the very least, Perma-A-list, name recognition.Yeah.Because that's how the blind item.separated sometimes, they sayA-list name recognition
44:08B-list celebrities.But she's Princess Leia,so she's A-list. I think it's onhow you would be, if you wentoutside, how much you would be recognized.She'll be recognized until the day she dies.So she still looks pretty good, but she doesn't look likeshe's had a lot of work done. She has not had a lot of work done.
44:25In fact, she speaks out against having a lot of work done.Good for her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That moviePostcards from the Edge. That was her autobiography.Really? I didn't know that. With Shirley MacLaine.Yeah, she's had a realhard time. Yeah, it was either autobiographyor just a fiction book that she wrote.I love Charleston. But I believe it was her
44:40autobiography. She had a real rough time, yeah.Because she's Debbie Reynolds' daughter. Yeah.Yeah. Man, rough.Do I also love?Remind me who Debbie Reynolds is again?She's from singing in the rain.One of my favorite tap dancing movies. You would know hercompletely, I'm sorry. I mean, huge.
44:54I'm going to look up Debbie Reynolds right now.50s, actress who was just adorable andsuper talented. But also I heard an alcoholicgirl and like very mean.Okay, I recognize her as an old.Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I definitely recognize her as an oldie. Boy, she looks like a real big bitch.God, she looks awful. She's got, oh, just look at that hair that she's got. Oh, we've got to see a youngerpicture of her. She's got that big poof hair. I'm sharing the hair to the live chat right now. I'm sharing the hair.
45:24Sharing the hair. Sharing the hair. You got to see so much hair spray. That hair. Yeah, you guys got to see the hair. And by the way, we have been thisentire time. We've had a live chat going with our listeners and we'll make all thisavailable next week to everybody.Hi, listeners.But I've shared it to the life.And the first person,Anyosid, ew.Yeah, man, it's new.
45:44Yeah, but find a picture of her when she saidsinging on the radio. She's like young.She's so cute. I want to look just likeyoung her. Oh, yeah, she's hot as fuck.Yeah, right? Yeah, yeah, she's super fuckingbanging. Oh, damn. Yeah.She looks a lot like Judy Garland. I mean, it's thatlike classic era.
45:58Yeah, finger curls and whatever. I'm not sure if I'musing the right word there.She's got that. But yeah, she's, uh, oh, and Johnnycruxes, hi Molly.Oh, hi.Hi. Hi.And we haven'thad one of these in a while,
46:13but it's time for a gay item.Is it John Trump?It's not John Trump.Mother fucker.We were sofilled with excitement.But we haven't had a gay item in like a month.That's true.
46:26We've been a little bit straight lately.Yeah, we've been a littleciscentric.A little heterocentric.Let's queer it up.Yeah, let's do it.This married still A-List rapper who hates the media was at a party this week and made sure to invite two gossip columnists.They are both gay and know all about his relationship with another man.
46:47So he takes them out every so often to make sure they stay quiet.Molly, this is more your territory.Married A-list rapper.Not J-Z.No.And not Kanye.Kanye.Kanye?
47:03Great.Oh, I totally want Kanye.to be a little bit gay.It would make a lot of sense.Yeah, right?And let him just, like, do his own thing.Because Kanye's good, you know that Kanye's a type of guywho's like, I'm not confined by labels
47:15like heterosexual.Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.I want to make out with who I want to make out with,and I will.Oh, I bet he's a rough lover.Right?Kanye, so mean all the time.He can't, he can't fuck Jim Kardashian that often.
47:32Oh, man.Because they're so busy?Yeah.And also, like, why was you want to?I bet she's not that good.I've talked about this before.I've seen her.She looks all right.
47:41That was years ago, Marcus.And a lot of things change after you have a child, all right?And when you have less time to devote to your BJ positions.That is true, but, I mean, I'd still.I mean, you tap a coin on it.I understand.But, you know, he's got an experiment.He's all about, you know, breaking the bombs of this, whatever, whatever.
48:04He can't be restricted.I love this blind itemOh let me ask you thisListener Cooper saysPowerbottomWhat do you think?WhoaI feel like
48:15Yeah but he would have to likeRough up the dude firstIt's like hard wrestlingAnd then he's likeYou fuck me in the assAnd then like the guy's likeOkayYou know like I bet he only like
48:27Chuses dudes that don't really want to do itTo let them do itYou knowI have no idea aboutPower BottomsNoOr power tops.I'm not familiar with the dynamics that go into deciding who's who.
48:40Ah, but you know what a power bottom is, though.I think I can guess.Based on context clues, using context clues, yes, you can figure out what a power bottom is.I think I have a hunch.It's a guy that's on the bottom, but he does most of the work.I see.Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, boom, boom.A lot of butt.
49:00But, butt, butt, but, in fact, Alistair Crowley, we talked about this on last podcast on the left.but Alistair Crowley once took a guy out into the desert,fed him a whole bunch of peyote,and then power bottomed the guy into insanity.Whoa, that's kind of fun.That guy came out of the desert and he was never the same.I think it probably is more the peyote than it was the power bottom.I'm going to go with Jack.
49:26It might have been a little bit more.So two things happened.One is insanity-inducing.The other was just fucking and it was totally...It's kind of meshing.Yeah, but Alck Crowley came out of it just fine.Oh, you had a great time.I bet he was sober as a cat.
49:40Power bottom of the year, 1932.Man, especially in the desert.It's all dry and cold at night.And hot during the day.You could power bottom for at least 12 hours in that kind of tangition.Oh, God, I could only imagine how long it went on.I mean, it could have been, I mean, Pioti messes.It messes with your concept of time.
50:01So it could have been four minutes that felt like 20 years.Man, that's awesome.Yeah.We gotta get some peyote.Good for Crowley.Do you want to fuck for 20 years?No, not the fucking part of it.More the desert and the peyote part of it.
50:13You ever fucked on lucidogens?Yeah.It's amazing.Yeah, it's weird.You cry.I always cry.But it's definitely an experience.I don't think I could,
50:23I think that I, yeah, no.The answer is no, but I can only imagine that it would be a lot.Oh, it is.I fucked on acid once.Ooh.Whoa.I changed positions about 10 times without ever changing positions.There you go.
50:40It was amazing.The problem is, like, were you staring into a mirror?Because that's all I fucked up on acid.I was staring into a mirror the entire time.And I didn't really realize I was having sex.So it's kind of fun.And then the crying starts.Different.
50:55Yeah, I didn't.It's fine.That's different.I did it.Power bottoming?The woman that I loved.Oh, no.What's that like?
51:03All right, and that willLet's get out of here.The first everlive streamed page 7.Hell yeah,Barry did it.Everyone listen to Christmasmusic.
51:16Listen at Christmas music.I'm Jackie Zabroski.I'm Molly Neffle.I'm Marcus Parks.And if the people that are listening to thison the podcastwant to get in on the live stream,go to the cave comedy radio,
51:35Facebook page and I'll let you all knowexactly when we're going to be recording next.It's either going to be next.We're going to be recording either Mondays or Tuesdayscoming up. We're going to be alternatingbut we will let people know on the cavecomradio.com side. We'll give you thelive stream. We'll give you
51:50the live chatso you guys can get in on it. They're having a greattime in there. They haven't stopped.They haven't stopped. They've been having just afantastic time. Johnny Krugsays thanks, Marcus Molly and Jackie.Corey Griffin says, fuck Christmasmusic. Oh,
52:06Shats fire.Calum says, love me. Super duper fucker saysfucker. All right, doesno fucking hold it on this goddamn podcast.He says fucker, fucker, fuckers. You're allfuckers. Oh, and Anno saysHo. You get out of this chat room.Jake says, appreciate your
52:26shit. Corey Griffin says, fuck.Hold Nators and Josh says,whoop. All right, Corey's back in the good graces.Thank you very much.And thank you Flying Grave for saying Fantastic Show.As always, and yes, Jake, Dark Souls for Life.Oh, don't end it on Dark Souls for...Fucking...
52:43Yeah.
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