Page 7 - Episode 114: Another Fable for Another Stable

Episode Date: May 10, 2015

Jessica Simpson is a cute, drunk mom, Screech ices a guy on Christmas, and we discuss Britney Spears' insecurities about her feet. Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Mama needs a hair cut. Me too. It's everywhere. Now, this is everywhere. I feel like I just have like a pole. Yeah, yeah, you got what I have going on, which is not, it's like, it's just a pot. I got a fucking hat pot on my head. And every time I try to do something with it, I just look like a fucking idiot.

Oh, yeah, girl. Oh, Lord. Look at this, the mop bucket twins. Uh-oh, we got bad hair, everybody. Yeah, I heard about a month ago, too. You must eat a lot of protein. I don't think it's the protein. I bet you do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cog, Cof, Cof, Cof, Cof. From the Cork, from the Cork. I'm going to be with you everywhere. My name is Jackie Abrowski. My name is Molly Neckle. I'm Marcus Parks. Oh, man, we've been listening to Fleetwood Mac.

Always, everyday lover, going to be Stevie. I decided that my dress code for the summer is Stevie Nix. So if you see me, don't make fun of me. But please do, because I love it. Is this Stevie? I don't know enough about what means. No, I have a Rastafari shirt. I don't think that was Stevie Nix.

It's got a bunch of lions made out of fire. Is that a star of David down there? No, man, it's the fucking star from the Jamaican flag. Jump making me crazy Rastafari. It's the same shape as a star of David, but it just has a Jamaican flag super. It has a lion in the middle of it. And I realized that that's why Snoop Dogg changed his name to Snoop Lion.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Which I had no idea because I don't know anything. And apparently, I really shouldn't be wearing this shirt, which I found out because someone told me. But it was at Walmart and it's $2. So go for yourself. No, I wore it in a sketch where I played a mentally retarded handicapped person. I said handicapped.

But I was, not really. I was just slow and I listened to System of a Down. But I just love this shirt. but I can't wear it at work because apparently it's offensive. Yeah, that's fine. I smoke weed every day. I feel like, yeah, you're right. I'm not Rastafari, but do you really like Slipknot if you're wearing your shirt?

Not always, because they're selling them at H&M right now. They are selling weird shirts at H&M. They're like all these like Metallica shirts and stuff like that. I'm like, that's what's in right now. Yeah. What got the West Memphis 3 indicted is being sold at H&M right now. Dived and convicted. Don't you dare, man.

I am late to the ball game, everybody. I am real fucking late to the ball game. But if you have a chance, the three-part documentary that is epic called Paradise Lost is on HBO Go right now. It's on APO Go. I really want to watch it. We did all three of the three-hour parts

in about a day and a half. Watch the last one last night. And I've been having horrible dreams. You should. I was having Jenks dreams over the short, period of time that it took me to finish jinks. I've been having John B'nai Ramsey dreams. Man, we are all fucked.

Yeah. These, I'm like, we're all in a nightmare. I mean, mine are specifically home intruder dreams, like home invader dreams, but she was killed by a home invader, so it makes a lot of sense. Yes, and I, like, Doug and I have been sharing child murder, like, Satanic dreams, a lot of genital mutilation. Yeah. Which is rough.

But I've been really digging a true crime, but talking about everything with Marcus. Yeah, absolutely. And the genital mutilation, as you know, from watching the documentary. Don't. All he hasn't seen it. I know. Can I finish what I thought you were going to say? I think because I've seen the Democracy Now interview with the guy from the West Memphis 3.

It was just that they were out in the desert and like wolves did it, right? They were in a pond and turtles did it. Yeah, yeah. Close. Environment plus animal. You had that. Not Satan. Which I.

No, it was not Satan. Yeah. No, it was nature. I've always been familiar with the West Memphis Memphis 3, but then I remembered that like six months ago my boss told me that Damien Eccles had come into the shop

and I had no idea who he was and apparently he's living close by to the pie shop that I work at. Oh, he moved to the city? Yeah. He was living in Salem for a long time. No, and he lives here now. And she's like, yeah, I've seen him like twice since then. It's just like now I'm like

creeping, like looking out for him. I'm like, I know your face. I just watched it for nine hours. Supposed to be an extremely nice guy. He has to be. I mean, his life was ruined. He had to remake it. Yeah.

And he remade it as a wonderful man. Man, please everyone watch all true crime you can't. Except don't watch the Pamela Smart documentary that is on HBO because it sucks. Yeah. Yeah. Who's Pamela Smart? She is the woman that it was like the first insanely publicized trial in the early 90s that she was banging her 15-year-old student

and then she had convinced the student and some of his buddies to murder her husband. Oh. Because remember in all the tabloids was all the pictures of her and her bikini like stretching and like doing these sexy pictures which I remember from a kid and that's all I really remembered.

But it's not a good doc? No, it kind of sucked. The story's great. Yeah, seems like an interesting story. I mean, it's no jinx and it's no fucking Paradise Lost because... Here's the Pamela smart photo right there, yeah. Yeah, I remember this woman.

Hard-faced lady. Hard-faced. Yeah, or at least she became hard-faced after quite a long time in prison. But what's, I mean, you know, she got like two master's degrees in prison and is still trying to get herself out. So she's still in. Oh, yeah, she's in there, man. Oh, so. She's got an official website, too, Pamela Smart.com, the official site of Pamela Smart.

You'd think she would have dropped the married name by now. You know, it's like her last name was Wolhas. And it's like, she was married for about a year. got her husband all murdered so like you know you can go back to your maiden name at this. Do the paperwork, Pam. Right? She's got time. That's her fucking sure.

Sorry, I don't mean to be talking about all this fucking true crime shit but it is on my mind. Pam was smart kind of counts. If it's a big tabloid thing it counts. And also you know what? Not that hot. No. I feel like a big part of it was like this hot woman used her sex to get

this 15. It's like of course yes she probably, she could have convinced him. But also she looked like fucking trailer trash. Teacher hot. She's teacher hot. I guess. No, I had fucking a lot hotter teachers than that. I didn't. I feel like there's also, like, a thing where, like, um, teachers, if you, if you can ever find a picture of a teacher being sexy, like, teachers, like, aren't allowed.

Like, obviously, this woman fucked children and that's wrong. That's terrible. But I feel like there's a lot of, I've seen other, like, scandals where, like, a teacher takes, like, a sexy, like, if a teacher has, like, a MySpace or, like, a blender or whatever and then like somebody comes across it and is like how dare the teacher be sexy even if they're not being creepy sexy yeah like something about sexy teacher it's like sexy librarian or something that like unlocks things in people's minds what i like is that for some reason i don't know who this guy was it was this fat new york guy with like a cigar in his mouth that also looked like

trash and he's like they're like how good you fucking blame her this kid looks like fucking paul mccartney and then like had a picture of the 15 year old kid and he goes poor mccartney and then a picture of the 15-year-old get it. And then he says, Paul McCartney. And then a picture of the 15-year-old kid. I was just like, the kid doesn't look like Paul McCartney. Paul McCartney. Neat.

It was so weird. I was like, who is this fucking guy? He's not a barred trial. Random guy comes in to justify child fucking. But I do have to say on HBO Go right now, because of jinks and all this shit, they are like pushing hard all their true crime documentaries. And there's a lot of awesome shit on there. Yeah, there really is.

We also, you found some awesome shit on the internet recently. Ding ding ding ding ding. Yes, you did. You found an adorable video of Jessica Simpson drunk talking about her kids. I'm worried that I'm going to like identify with this video for some reason. Why don't you like Jessica Simpson? Why don't I like her? Yeah, you don't like her?

I love her. I don't like her no problem with Jessica Simpson. I love Jessica Simpson. I don't feel strongly about her one way or the other, to be honest. I think it has something to do with the whole like, like got a hot husband, popped out a kid, gained a bunch of weight, had a bunch of shit thrown at her, and she was like, yeah, well, this is what I look like. And then she slimmed down, but she still wasn't a bitch about slimming down. Then she had another kid. Yeah, that part I like.

Her is an, as a musician, I don't. Oh, yeah, who gives a fun? No, but her being like, don't ridicule me for. This is page seven. We're not here to talk about musicians. Oh, no, no, no. No, but yeah, her is like a, as a like, get out of my fucking face tabloid figure, I like her. She's awesome.

She really fucking owns it. And I love this video because she is just, there's nothing negative about the video. And I saw people posting it and they're like, look at drunk. It's like, yeah, she's drunk. But she's not being bad at all. It's what I fucking love about it. She's at the Teen Vogue Awards. Which you got to get drunk.

You got to be drunk. Oh, yeah. You got to get way drunk. Oh, yeah. And she's on the red carpet and a foreign man. It's Ellen coming. Is it Alan coming? That's, I mean, that's the word on the street.

But I don't know why he was doing it. I don't know. Yeah, red carpet at the teen Vogue Orr seems a little beneath him. Maybe he was wasted too. Yeah, he's fucking wandering around on Molly and they get him a microphone. He was there to film something much more prestigious and he was like, yeah, I'll fucking do it. Give me the microphone. Yeah, I got 20 minutes.

All right, let's watch it. How do you manage to look fabulous, run an empire, have a family, do it all, have time to work there. How do you fit it all in? I don't know how I fit everything in my life. But somehow it just happens. My kids are absolutely my first priority. My family is everything to me. And I think that just focusing on them, even in our collection, we do kids.

Oh, no, their fashion. Dressing my daughter is really fun. So that inspires me, especially right now. Is she into fashion? Is she a little fashionista? Does she enjoy dress up? Right now, her favorite fashion is her dad's shirts. she's blown away by this I always thought it was so romantic to always wear

you know your boyfriend's shirt and Maxwell's making that happen that's a little weird her dad is her boyfriend as well with all the compliments with the Instagram photographs of the project was just so cute she's wasted she can't even stand straight she is completely taken over my makeup It's unfortunate that her purse, which is probably like $3, has all of my Chanel lip glosses.

Is fashion priority to snow? Will you still have some time for if you're working on music, doing an album? Right now I am starting a record and I am getting into a lot of other fun things. Sounds like you're stripping, girl. Fashion will always be a part of who I am. And it dry It literally Like if I'm not wearing a good outfit

I can't sing a good song So It really all kind of just works together And I have a recording studio In my house So I can be around my babies as well My baby And they might try and sing

And over me I like it They won't be my background vocalist They'll like be They'll be up front and personal I mean, drunk mom talking about her kids It's one of the sweetest things in the laurel It is completely harmless

I love though Like what you're really missing in this video Is it she can't she cannot stand No she is unable to stand Yeah she's putting her hands on her back On her hips That whole no I'm good I've got to stabilize myself

I know I'm a little drunk I know what I'm doing No one's gonna notice No way at all. That's the part, like, it's completely harmless, but there's just, she must have, like, woke it up the next morning and been like, did I talk to anybody on camera? Oh, no. Oh, no.

And then she's like, what did I do? And then it's like, oh, I just talked about how much I love my kids. But I also was definitely slurring and wobbling. And I did say something weird about how my husband is my daughter's boyfriend, but that's fine. That's drunk mom stuff. Yeah, but then what was, remember the, um, the tuna. fish thing that she thought it was actual chicken of the

sea she's like it's not tuna it's chicken of the sea because she's already kind of famous for being dumb for being dumb yeah I mean I feel like she gets away with this in flying colors I mean that was a long time ago yeah but like remember growing up with her and like she I just remember thinking like she's the dumbest person in the entire world

yeah and that was my back when her and Nick Lechay were a thing I remember just being like you're both dumb and boring and not especially she looked beautiful there but I don't I remember being like Nick Lechay looks like a Kendall

and she looks like a Barbie and we're supposed to be enamored by that I didn't get it I loved it I watched every episode Did you look like to 98 degrees? Yeah

Give me just one nine Unanocche That song I know I don't remember this band A moment to be by your side 98 degrees They did most of the Mulan soundtrack

And I loved it Except for the Christina song And I loved that song too Remember when she sang into the river? There was this video on Disney. You know the fucking song. My choir, seventh grade choir sang it.

Is this it? Yeah. Oh, wait, no, no, no. This is 98 degrees. Uh, yeah. The one part. No, I was talking about the X-Tina song, Reflection, that they showed. Every other television show.

show on Disney was that song. And that was the same song when that Hero's song came out when she was like singing about her mom or something. Back at me. When am I such a show? This is the weird part of the song, Marcus.

Keychained. We're right at the keychain. This is the weird part? When will my night show? It's because she was dressed as a man. I can usually get on board with the music you got. That is fucking terrible. I know. I'm not saying it was.

I'm saying I liked the Moulon soundtrack. And I really liked X-Tina at the time. I liked X-Tina at the time. I fucking hate my seventh grade choir sang that song, and I fucking hated it then and I hate it now. That is understandable. I really like... Because if you think that song is bad, imagine 57th grade and 8th grade

boys and... girls, voices changing all together singing that song. It was a nightmare. No, I like the, when will I make a man out of you? The, um, what's the, Osmond? Donny Osmond saying that song. Yeah, Donny Osmond. Because B.D. Wong

played the character. B.D. Wong, the Asian pathologist or psychiatrist and law and order. He was Shang, the regular voice, and when Shang sang, Donnie Osmond said that. Yeah. Yeah, it made no sense because he was like kind of Asian and then like in singing he was Donnie Osmond.

It was fun though. It's a really good song. That is such a, such a transition. Bidi Wang is like a soft-spoken, very... Yeah, but he had to be a leader. He had to sing like a leader sings and obviously he couldn't fucking cut the mustard. I don't think he can sing. Yeah, and that's fine.

I like a Bidi-Wong and I don't think singer. I certainly don't picture Danny Asman singing. Then why did Donnie? Donny Osman, why didn't he just play the character? Yeah. Because it's Donnie Osmond. I mean, he can do anything. Yeah, that's, I think in terms of Disney movie, Danny Asman can do it.

So, okay, what was the character? What was BD. Who was Shang? Do you remember? I think he was the guy that she had to convince that she was a man to join the army. All right. So some sort of general. But she was like in love with him.

A military man. But she couldn't show it because she was supposed to be a man. but she was a woman just as a man so she could go to war. Well, it looks like that Donnie Osmond hasn't really played anybody except Donnie Osmond in his entire career. You mean fucking Marie Osmond? Hey, hey. No, he played a guy named Danny Field slash Jim Markham in three episodes of The Love Boat. He played Frank Isaacs in the Wild Women of Chastity Gulch.

Chastity Gold In 1982 And he didn't play Donnie Osmond Just Donnie In 1978's Going Coconuts Ew

Ew I just imagine him Like up on a tree Like slamming a branch Against his nuts Like I'm going Coconucanuts Go gogaggaggagg

Ow Ow Oh Holy shit This was a TV movie But listen to this description Listen to the synopsis.

Of going coconuts? No, the wild women of Chastity Gulch. It's quiet in Chastity Gulch. A small town in the Wild West. The men of the village are all in the army and fight their battles far away. The women are getting very bored. At once, a bunch of robbers drops into the saloon. They love the beer, but are also looking for beautiful women.

Will the town whores keep these delightful men for themselves? Or will the doctor's wife and the mayor's wife also get? get part of the font. I want to remake this movie. I want to be in this movie. Christian Housom, Danny Asman, was in like a whore gang bang? That is awesome. Can the whores keep them at bay, these fucking rapist robbing murderers, or

are they going to win the wiles of the two rich women still around? Oh my God. That's awesome. They just opened with horrors right in the description. Man. Will the town hall? I love it. But also I feel like

Chastity Gulch is what you call a pussy, right? Oh, the Chastity Gulch. It's my Chastity Gulch. Oh, you can't come in to my Chastity Gold. You fell into my Chasm! That's definitely an entire description of the porno.

Also, can I just tell this quick story where we were trying to watch HBO Go HBO jinks over the weekend and when we were clicking on jinks like episode 5 jinks we would press jinks and then it would you know how on HBO or on cable it's supposed to then be like

jinks with like the little thing and whatever we would click on it instead of the of jinks coming up it would be a portal called Granny's first time too it can't be your first time again nothing about it makes sense first time two

granny's first time but it's different grannies every time. Yeah, but granny, she's headsets. Granny's first time on camera. You guys don't know Jack's shit about that. Oh, first time on camera. That's a different granny.

Yeah. It's a different granny and it's her first time on camera. She's gone her whole life. Fucking protecting her chastity goal. Chastity goal. But now that she's in her 60s, she's ready to cut loose. now that menopause has happened and baby making is no longer possible. So I set my mother up with

HBO Go. This is just another quick story. I use my mother's password to get into HBO Go. She asked me, which I have seen, I watched all of real sex. You used to watch you back then, watch it now because I have it on HBO Go, I can watch it whenever I want. And my mom goes, do you watch a show called

Real Sex? And I was like, no, why? And she's like, oh, I was just wondering. And I was like, oh, that must be it's coming up on her HBO Go feed showing But it's not That doesn't happen on HBO Go The only way you would know if it's been watched

Is if you click it and it says Resume Watching or start From the beginning So I just wanted to throw it out there Then I think my mom's been watching real sex Which means I can't watch it anymore Yeah, that's right I mean I don't think she's jerking it to it

But I've been a good run man You had 20 years with real sex Let's give it to your mom. I've seen every episode of Real Sex. I love Real Sex. That kind of comes full circle, though, from, like, kind of sneak in real sex at home, hoping your mom won't catch you to then 20 years passing. Using her account to watch it.

Catching her, kind of. I guess. How gross is that? Yeah, I don't know, man. Man, the suction cup dildos, still, it changed my life. Oh, will you put it on the wall? Yeah, they had the Dildo Convention, and they went through all the different kinds of dildos, and I had no idea.

It really just, it really opened my eyes. Yeah. I saw one of those sectioned Dildos in the store when I was at a sex toy store With a friend and she was like Oh, I'm definitely gonna get one of these And then I just like tried to picture Fucking a wall

And it made me feel a little bit weird Not in a sexy way, but in a weird way You fuck a refrigerator. Or a mirror. Oh, or a mirror. Or a chair. Put on a chair. I mean, you can really fuck anything

But I think my favorite... I see, but it's the leverage that's helpful. Yeah, it turns anything into a fuck machine. Yeah. Well, anything with a suctionable surface. That's what I loved. In the actual show, I watched a woman fuck a refrigerator. And I was like, that's how I'm going to lose weight.

It's like, every time you want to eat a snack, fuck the refrigerator instead. And I really thought this was a good idea. Around 16 years of age, I was like, that's how I'm going to lose weight. I mean, that's not the worst idea. I mean, no. Yeah, that actually is a pretty good idea. I would do it if I live solely with my significant other. But, you know, I don't think that his brother walking in me like, like, why are you doing?

You fucking a freak. I'm like, oh, no, I was getting a Clementine. That's the thing, and I don't mean any judgment about the fuck in the wall, but it's more the idea of seeing somebody else fucking. Fuck a wall. That makes me feel weird. Yeah. But then you used to rub yourself up against corners, right?

Right? Is that you? Was that you, Jack? Was that me? I think it was you. Are we just rub yourself up against corners of the walls? Not that I remember, but it doesn't mean it. It didn't happen.

Yeah, man. West Memphis 3. Yeah. I've got an update on the Screech bar fight. Oh, okay. You know, we didn't really get to catch it or cover the Screech bar fight because it happened over Christmas. We were out of town.

So what happened in case you don't know, Screech from Saved by the Bell got into a knife fight on Christmas Day in Wisconsin? We don't really know what happened until now. Ooh. Apparently what's... Screech did. He was at a bar and he was at Wisconsin's patio bar and grill on

Christmas Day and he decided that he wanted to ice someone. The ice... No shit. Like smearing off ice? Yes. Wait, what does that mean? Remember that bros icing bros where you had to give someone a smearing off ice? And then they had to get down on one knee and chug it unless they had a smear

off ice that they could give back to you? I have never heard of this in my life. Stupid bro thing. Summer 2010. See, when I had to get down. It was like four years ago. It was summer 2010. I remember it clearly. I don't know why I remember it so clearly.

Well, we spend a lot of time on the internet. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And I'm not a bro. But, yeah. It was one of those, there's, sometimes there's bro things that look kind of fun to me. Like, apparently foam parties are all about hand jobs. But I always thought a phone party sounded like a lot of fun.

I was like, yeah, foam party. I didn't know it was all about hand jobs. That's what I keep saying that I want to go to a phone party. What's a foam party? Oh my God, I'm becoming my mother. We're both watching real sex. I don't know what icing is. I don't know what a foam party is.

A phone party, from what I understand, is when you're, like, on spring break and the bar is all full of foam. And I thought it was just like a machine. Oh. Yeah, yeah. And I thought that the idea was like a wet t-shirt thing. But I was like, if you took away, like,

the wet t-shirt aspect of it, to me, the idea of being in a room full of foam, getting drunk sounds really fun. And I keep saying this, like, repeatedly. And my brother was like, you really need to stop saying how much you want to go to a phone party. And I was like, why? And he was like, it's like a cum thing. It's like a cum play thing.

Come and the foam. I don't know. It's a cum. Did you say it was your boyfriend or your brother? Your brother. Man, I love how that. Like, I want to just put out a book and says how the Neffles talk about sex. You got to stop talking about these foam parties.

But icing is one of those. You know, you know, it's a cum thing, right? I feel like that's what a brother is for. Yeah, to be like you're embarrassing yourself. Although I have to say, I think I know a lot more about these things than Henry does, which is sad because in this conversation, I know not. Yes, yes, yes. All I know is that I think getting drunk in a bunch of foam that's not full of cum,

sounds like a lot of fun. It does sound like a lot of fun. No, but when you leave the foam, aren't you sticky? Yeah, but you're in like a, you're on the beach. It's like a spring break thing. So you just go hose off in a pool or something. I'm too old for this, I think. But the bros icing bros thing always looked really fun to me.

I was like, I want to get iced, even though it's like an annoying dude thing. I was like, that looks like a lot of fun. Sometimes bros have good ideas. Wait, so you have to drink the whole smear enough ice. Yeah, you're supposed to chug it. If I iced you right now, you'd have to take a knee and chug the ice. That actually sounds like a lot of fun. Right?

And then unless you are armed with an ice, and then if I ice you, you would ice me back, and then I'd have to do both. I would rather do that with, like, either Red Bulls or with buds. You mean like yagerbombs? Oh, yeah, no, but I just meant Red Bull. But yeah, I'll do yagerbombs too. Yeah. But it's hard to have a yager bomb in your back pocket.

Well, I mean, it does sound like kind of fun, but let us keep in mind that Dust and Diamond is a 38-year-old band. On Christmas Day. On Christmas Day in Wisconsin. Bothering a stranger. And the stranger was apparently just like, nah. It's like, I don't want to. It's over, man.

I don't really want to. I don't even know what you're talking about. Just leave me alone. And Diamond says, you've been iced. Get on your knees and drink this. Oh, my God. I can't. This makes the story so much better.

First of all, it was screech. Great. Now it's icing. Also great. Two things great. It's also really fucking sad. It is sad. But I love that you think it's great, Molly.

I love it. It gets even worse. The math. turned him down. Diamond escalated things. His fiance, who was with him, also escalated it. Totally on screech's side. She said, just drink it, you fucker? The guy didn't still.

And then Diamond said, don't make me stab someone on Christmas. Why? Yeah. Why? Yeah. And so the guy leaves. Like, the iced guy leaves. He's like, I'm getting the fuck out of here.

Go for him. Screech is threatening to stab me. Over a ice. Over a fucking smear off ice. This is a weird Christmas. Let's just go home. So Dustin totally fucking amped up from the iced fight. It wasn't even a fight.

It wasn't even a fight. Well, not from the fight. The altercation. From the altercation. They went to a different bar, the Grand Avenue Saloon, where the actual bar fight, occurred and screech stabbed a dude.

So did he ice someone again and they declined? She was upset because people were taking pictures of the two of them. And so she got into an altercation. And he said that he was just defending her and that he accidentally stabbed someone. So he didn't stab the guy that he tried to ice. He was just all ready to stab somebody. That was just prelude. was just got him all in a stabbing mood

because he was obviously threatening stabbing. Yeah, he was in a tizzy. He was like, he had like a knife and a smirnoff, so he was going to use one or both of them. I don't understand. It's also, it's like, how far in the past can you be? You're icing somebody, your screech, and you're knifing somebody.

Yeah. It's like, what are you, 12? Isn't that what 12-year-old hoodlums do? Yeah. Not 38-year-old men on Christmas. Yeah. Oh, boy. Poor Screech.

Is it poor Screech? Have you ever watched any of the porns he's been in? No. Yeah, that's rough. I did watch Tiffany Ambertheson has a new show on the cooking channel where she invites celebrities over. Does she have sex on it? She did, but she did invite Jessica Berkeley. Is that her name?

Yeah. Yes. The one from Showgirls, who is Jesse Spano. Yeah. Elizabeth Berkeley. Elizabeth Berkeley. So they talked about how what a fun time they had on St. By the Bell.

their cooking channel show, all I could think is screech stabbed a guy and you're not even talking about it. I mean, what are they going to say as they're like whisking up a salad dressing? Like, do you hear about Dustin Diamond? He iced a guy. I use store-bought dough.

You Badawan. That's what she calls her a Padawan. She does use storebought dough and I was a little bit pissed about it. It's a cooking show. Yeah. It's so easy to make dough. Yeah, make your own fucking dough if you got a cooking show. I don't care if you're at home

and you're storebought dough, but if you're going to be on a fucking show telling me how to cook, make your own goddamn dough. Thank you for being with me on that. Yeah, a thousand percent. Ugh, these bitches. Saved by the belt bitch. What about Lisa Turtle? She's having a hard time. She's having a real hard time.

So it's either, it's feast or famine when it comes to the safe by the belt people. The four most popular characters are doing excellent. Screech and the poor girl who was like always shoved over to date him and sexually harassed by him. Clark, boy, he's.

She is having a hard time. He didn't sexually harass her. He didn't. He was just really, really persistent. Yeah. Despite her repeated lack of interest and asking him to stop. I mean, they needed, you know, it's like that's where Laura Winslow came from. Who?

Laura Winslow. From Family Matters. Yeah. Yes, right. A lot of plots involved. That was a big thing back then. Nerds who wouldn't take no for an answer. And then there was a Kimmy Gibbler.

did that to all the men. Yeah. So it wasn't even just against women. It was just a thing in the early 90s. Kimmy Gibler was doing it to grown adult men. Oh yeah. She wanted to fuck all them. Honestly, I was really, like, I watched,

I looked at some idiot thing on BuzzFeed that was like, why Kimmy Gibler is awesome. Oh, I'll read that. I was like, yeah, man, she was like overtly sexual, didn't give a fuck about anybody but herself. And it was just a lot of fun, but I never thought about it like that back then. But, man, she just tried to, like, bang her best friend's boyfriend constantly.

Tried to bang her best friend's uncles constantly. Her best friend's dad. And her dad constantly. And the adults who were, as a reminder, grown men, would be like, call her basically like an ugly bitch. What are you talking about? Like just sloughing her off. That show started when she was like 10.

And they'd be like ugly bitch. Get the fuck out. That's why it's so much fun. Oh, yeah. Boy, what's she up to these days? highly doubt much. But Candice Cameron is up to her brother, Kirk Cameron's Christian festivals.

Oh, creepy. Christian creepiness. She's a stay-at-home mom with two kids. Oh, is she Christian creepy too? Kimmy Gibler? No. She's got a bachelor's degree in English and a Master of Women's Studies

from the University of York in England. What does she look like now, Marcus? She looks great. She looks like a hot woman in like her 40s. Oh yeah, she looks good. She aged much better than... But I thought that she would have. Yeah.

No, she aged fucking awesome. That's great, man. I'm happy a bird. You were the best character. Because Candice Cameron Burr is now, right? Isn't it Burr? She is a creepest. Well, they're still good friends, apparently.

That's kind of cute. I actually kind of like that. I saw this weird, like, people article on on Canis Cameronboro and she was just like in the house with all of her kids and all of like the deer her husband had murdered like their heads were all over the walls which is awesome and that's fine

but like she was just talking about Christian ideals and how like she was she was born again after you know being awesome for a long time by being awesome I mean having sex and doing drugs way too young Candice Cameron did? Because Stephanie from Full House

she was a slut whose name is Judy Sweetened Has a memoir called Unsweetened The Life of Judy Sweetened And her whole memoir is about how she did Tons of drugs And had a whole lot of sex And

Meth addict She was the JAN I mean She was the shit Jan Yeah she was the shit Jan Yeah she was unsweetened Ew I won't read that

I don't know why I know so much about her book I don't know But I mean, it's you're right. I am correct. It is called unsweetened. I don't like it. All right, stop for the list. Who's on the list?

Yeah, I got to have that list. Celebrities with weird insecurities. All right. Angelina Jolie. She thinks that she looks like, quote, a funny Muppet. True. She's a big mouth. She does have a big mouth.

And big googly eyes. Like a Muppet. As what she said, she says, I am odd. And she is. True, but she's a hot. She's a hot Muppet. She's a hot object. She's like Janet from the Dr. Teeth and the electric mayhem.

A thousand percent. Oldly banged Janet. But not as cool as Janet. Yeah, she's not as cool as Janet. And Janet's eyes are always closed, but Angelina's, uh, Angelina Jolet's eyes are always open. Janice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry.

Can't let a Muppet mistake go by. No, no, no, no. Must correct all Muppet mistakes. Kim Kardashian has, quote, the hairiest forehead you could ever imagine. Interesting. Man, that's got to be... She probably bleaches it and doesn't wax it. Threading it?

I know somebody who gets their whole face threaded. What is this threading thing? No, I hate it. I got my eyebrows threaded last week, and as I was sat down to do it, I was like, why am I doing this? I fucking hate it. I don't know. I do not understand it. I don't know what it is.

It's needles. It's a thread thing. There's no needle. They just put two threads up against your face, and it hurts like the fucking dickens. I watch someone get their eyebrows. threaded and I said no thank you is there a needle? No I don't know I think it's just thread. They somehow twist

the thread up in your hair and pull it right out by the roots. It hurts so bad. Wait she gets a whole face threaded? My friend who gets because like if you have you know yeah like reds scared yeah yeah she doesn't even have dark hair but yeah peach fuzz so she gets her whole

face threaded and they just run the threads over your face and pull it right out. Yeah this is what it is is that it's not like unless like it's like tweezing, it's like mass tweezing where instead of doing it one at a time, threading does it whole lines at a time and it also gives you more control over the shape. That's awful. I hate it. And I always ask

them, I'm like, can I just get it waxed instead? And they're like, threading lasts longer. It's better. And I'm like, I don't care. It hurts. I'm an adult and I don't usually, like minor pain doesn't usually bother me. And this hurts so bad. It hurts so bad. It's not worth it. Fuck that shit. But she probably gets her with her forehead threaded. It has to be threaded. Lasered, is what she said. That's the option none of us

had access to. Yeah, we don't have that kind of money. Redding costs $6. Yeah, yeah. She said she lasered it because everyone would Photoshop it every time she did a photo shoot anyway. She's like, I'll save him time. I mean, you kind of have to. Honestly, if you are famous for looking good, you have to

do that. Yeah. That's all she's got. She's not an actress. She's literally nothing else. So she has to do those kinds of things. Even if you're not, But, like, I feel like I've spoken to people who, you know, are of Middle Eastern descent and have, like, very thick eyebrows or Greek people have real thick eyebrows. And they're just like, you know, I get my eyebrows done, like, whenever I think of it, which is usually, like, once a year because I hate it so much. But, like, some people are just like, it is not acceptable to have, like, dark hair on your face if you're a woman. So it's not right or wrong. So then, like, a lot of my, like, the people I've spoken to with are just, like, it's completely horrible and miserable. But you just got to get. it done. You know, a lot of these are pretty fucking small. Like Kristen Stewart, she says that she's, quote, uncomfortable about the size of her ears.

Oh, get over it. I mean, that's the problem with this stuff. It's like, yeah, but at the same time, it's like if your picture was everywhere, if you had to look at yourself everywhere and every time, it's like, I know, there's a lot of pictures of me. Every time I'm like, oh, and we're like, it's a good picture of you. I'm like, no, it's fucking not. I hate pictures of myself. But imagine you on like every tabloid, especially a bunch of pictures of you not look in your best.

Yeah. That like, of course you're going to have the, even if you didn't before, they're going to spur these weird insecurities. For sure. And also, but like every, the ears thing, it's like everybody has like little insecurities. Right. So it's like, of course celebrities do too, but it's different because if ever, like a normal person who's like, oh, my ears are a little bit big. It's not something. You put a fucking hat on it and then it's fine.

Whereas celebrities, it's like they are. faced with their biggest insecurity all the time. Yeah. And Britney Spears is like she said that she wishes she had prettier feet. Ain't nobody look at your feet, bitch. Although I'm pretty sure you see her feet in Crossroads. I think her feet are on the cover of Crossroads. Right? Isn't that on the cover?

Yeah, I think they're all in a convertible and their feet are all up in the air. And how many sleepless nights as Britney Spears just sat there and stared at the fucking Crossroads post. on her wall. Or is Britney Spears one of those people who hate feet? Those people exist. Yeah. Yeah. Although some people's feet just ain't looking good.

Yeah, but I don't know who's... Yes, that's true. But would you be able to point to some people's feet that look excellent or is it just feet as the form? Like, are there people where you're like, those feet are awesome. Those feet are hot. I think the feet is the form. The people that are grossed out by feet, it's just like generally feet just don't.

I mean, I don't want a foot on my face. That was like something my sister used to do To piss me off was that she would put her feet Like as close to my face as possible Like that I don't like That's pretty fun That I fucking hate it I hate that

I used to do that to my brothers I forgot all about that Right But yeah I just sit there And just like And try to get it like closer and closer And I don't give a fuck about feet Like I'm not even gross out

No But like oh I just hate it so much. I bet I'm gonna throw down a million dollars in the line and say that if she feels this way better feet, I bet it's on her feet on that cover. Her feet are

not on that cover. Interesting. A foot model. You owe me a million dollars. I didn't know. There's no feet on the cover. There's no feet on the cover. Why do we both think that? I don't know. But it is three girls. We do

remember three girls. I could have swore Was there a music video associated with Crossroads? Maybe that's what we're thinking? I'm thinking the same thing. Yeah, we've all got that like Britney Spears' feet. I'm putting in Britney Spears' feet. Uh-oh.

I remember. Oh, no, Kristen Seward has thumb. She has thumb toes. No, toe thumbs. Yeah, she's, I mean, she's all, Megan Fox has toe thumbs. She's got stubby toes. Although, toes are fine. Oh, Britney, those are fine.

Look at that. Britney's feet. They're fine. Oh, yeah. They are just feet. They're just feet. They're just feet. It is feet.

Those are feet. Those are regular feet. Yeah. Then why did we think of? Yeah. I mean, right. God, she's so innocent. Except she's not that innocent.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You didn't. You didn't. Jackie. Jackie, you did it again.

Oh. Yeah. Jackie, you're so lucky. Oh, my God. You're a star. But I cry back. I love that song. All right, it's time for Blight Adam.

Oh, we can't see them. The first one is a nice one. This is what we call a kindness item. It's a celebrity doing something good. You'll love this one. Will I? You'll love it, Jackie. All right.

You'll love it. All right. This A plus list, mostly movie actor, who will probably be permanently A-list despite some truly awful movie choices because of the fans, especially female. Uh-oh.

We'll always love him. He made everyone's day the other day. Our actor was at a hotel pool, having a cocktail or two. I love a cocktail. Oh, yeah. Or two. I love two. He was talking

he was talking to a woman who was there on her honeymoon. Our actor told the bartender to buy the woman and her husband a bottle of champagne and then said that actually he's just going to buy drinks for everyone

for the next hour he dropped $20,000 getting everyone at the pool wasted. What? Holy shit. That sounds so fun. Super nice guy.

He was just in a movie with a dog. A dead dog. Oh my God. Kiyah! Kiano I love him so much

I told you you'd love it I love him so much and I'm so oh my God and even after his dog was murdered he's still doing this he is the best he is getting I can't believe

I can't believe I spent most of my life not attracted to Kiano Reeves as much as I am now I am just I am, man, I am Lucy for Doocy. It is insane. He is such an amazing person. You know what? I would, if I would like guys that I would like, you know, I'm like, think about it.

Like, yeah, maybe if I was feeling a little weird one night. Oh, yeah. I think Keanu Reeves is on that list. And I bet he would be such a gentle lover. I bet he would be. Especially if it was your first time. Granny's first time. It'll be Markey's first time. Marky's first time. Oh my God, he is, oh, and he's just getting better looking. I have to see, what's the other one? I want to say, Man from Iepenema, but that is not the little bit.

No, no, no, he has a new movie out. That's why he did all of his own stunts in John Wick. Knock Knock? No, he wrote and is the villain in a new movie. Oh, my God, this sounds so cool. Are you talking about the new movie? Knock, knock. Oh, no, what's knock knock?

It's a fucking Eli Roth movie. Keanu Reeves plays a happily married man whose life is wreaked havoc upon by a pair of femme fatals. Look at this picture of him with a knife. Oh, my God, he's so sexy. He is so sexy. Oh, Molly, got to see John Wick. I have never, it was difficult because I was watching with my parents. But I need to watch it with my significant other so that I can be like,

I'm going to jump you now because it gets my groin of flowing. It's insane. I love Keanu Reeves. And he bought people doing for an entire hour. Drop $20,000.

Just drop $20,000. Yeah. That's also, I mean, I ain't saying that sounds pretty good too. And maybe that's why I'm a little bit more attracted to so long. But he's always had money. But then when he gave all the money away

from the Matrix trilogy to charities. Now, this is a weird movie coming up that I'm, It's, okay, it's called the bad batch. It's a dystopian love story in a Texas wasteland and set in a community of cannibals. It's got Keanu Reeves, Jason Mamoa, who played Caldrogo in Game of Thrones. Oh my God, yes, please. And Jim Carrey.

What? What? What? What is that? Coming out, Marcus. Next year. It's coming out next year. I can't wait that long. What is it called?

The Bad Batch. I can't wait. Have you seen Cold Druggo's audition tape? No. Homina. Hamana. He was completely unknown as you guys, if you guys are unknown, it is. Cole Drogo is the really sexy kind of heathen, scary king.

In the, I guess he's not a king. What is he? What is it called? Calese. He's, uh, she's, uh, is he the brother-sister fucker one? No, no, no, no, no. He's the big strong manses.

He's, yes, no. Yeah, he can barely speak English, but, uh, but they fall in love with each other. And he's so strong. He's the call. He's the call. He's the call. He's the call drobo. But his audition tape that like, it got leaked, um, a little while ago, that people were like,

that he walked in the room, completely unknown and people were like, he's got the part. Yeah, it's in. It's insane. Like he, and I watch it and it's just like, yachi, machi.

You know, he's, you know what movie? He's going to be in next year as well. Aquaman. Sure. I don't know anything about that. Is that a comic book?

Yeah, he talks to fish. Well, that's not as sexy as a cannibal. It's not going to be very sexy. That's fine. That movie's going to be fucking awesome. I don't know if it'll be sexy,

but if it's Eli Roth, it'll definitely be fucking creepy. And what's going on with Jim Carrey? Eli Roth is the other one. Yeah, no. I was talking about the, Yeah, I was talking about me. Yeah, Bad Batch.

Yeah, Bad Batch. You know, Eli Ross not doing the bad batch. Oh, he's not. No, no, no, no. He's doing Knock Knock. Oh, he's doing Knock. Knock. Yeah, it's knock, knock.

So who's doing the bad batch? Anna Lily Amherpore? Oh, woman. She's... Oh. Jim Carrey. What is this? The Mask 4?

I hate it. Never mind. I dislike it now. I thought it was Eli Rolvalval. making it. It'll be fine. It's gonna be fucking sexy and that's all I care about.

Yeah, it's a love story. Between who? I don't know. Jim Carrey and Caldrogo? I mean, you know I'd watch it. Not Jim Carrey. I'd rather watch fucking Keanu Reeves and Caldrogo. I've never found Jim Carrey sexy.

I know some people have. I've never. It's impossible to me. It's not. He's not for me. That's a weird one. Jim Carrey, huh? What, as sexy?

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I can see it's the funny guy thing, but he was always a little too cartooning. The clown. Yeah. Which is I like Jim Carrey a lot, but I don't find him sexy. No. Weird. All right, today we got Double gay. Uh-oh.

I told him. Please don't me. Gunner's gay. I'll watch it. I'll watch it. No, no, no. Maybe he'll fall in love with me. I got one that you'll like. Okay. This foreign-born Game of Thrones actor had some one-on-one time with a male escort

while he was in the United States recently. It is the only time he indulge with the same sex. Is it John Snow? Yes, it is. God damn! You motherfucker! I just imagine him wearing those furs

and just like covering over himself and his lover at the same time while they passionately make love on a bearskin rug, hopefully in a pub, and they're definitely drinking mead, and it's by candlelight. I would watch it. I would love it.

What do you think they're feeling? fucking doing up there at the wall. What do you think they're doing? Well, they got the whores in Moultown. They have the whores, but I got to say, I mean, but don't you want to sleep with your brethren sometimes? When you're like, man to man, it's like, when you're going to battle together, you know, it's like, I've seen Brokeback Mountain, I know how I go.

And when sometimes you were just, like, in it together, you know, I mean, that's the kind of stuff I like to watch. It could be like prison where men go in and discover their own sexuality. For sure. But I'm not saying in like in a rape way. No, no, no, no, no. And a consensual way. Yeah.

Plenty of guys go into prison and then discover. They're like, oh, hey, yes, I do enjoy a man. Not Jamie and Eccles though. No. Don't get me started. Every time I think about that, it makes me upset. Here's another one. Here's one more.

Last one. Although this closeted former tweener turned a plus list singer is sober now, she loves when the women she is with are big time users of drugs. her booze. That's her thing. She has no interest in being with any woman who's sober. When she used to be with guys, it was the other way around. She had

to be wasted. Miley. Ravin Simone. Miley. Really? I mean, that's so Raven. We know she gay. But Miley... This girl's closeted. I don't think she's closeted. I think she's just having sex. Miley's just open as fuck.

I think that she just has sex. I think she likes sex. I feel like Miley is uninhibited by the restrictions of heterosexuality and homosexuality, which is great. We should not break out of those restrictions. Yeah, we've all done that. We've all been there. But, I mean, I'm not necessarily a Miley supporter. No.

Because she was just out on a date again with Patrick Schwarzenegger, and I think she might be stringing them along. But I guess, you know, that's neither here. We've all strong people along. I mean, no, while I'm banging a bunch of drugged up chicks and another sick. Haven't we? strong people along even when we're begging people who are drugged up? I've never. I'm like a nun. I've never. I've never.

I have never. I have never. I've never been sober man when the girl is drugged up. Well that's true. I have never. But Miley's doing it. Why ain't we fucking getting on her ass? Is she sober now? Yeah, she's sober but all the girls are all drugged up and drunk. I feel like if it was a dude, this would be a bigger story.

This would be a huge story. Right. If it's if she's being or manipulative, that's bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We'd be calling a dude piece of shit right now. Yeah, that's what I think. Molly? Interesting.

I was too busy focusing on the fact that Miley's just fucking every gender than the fact that she's sober and they're fucking people. Probably sexually assaulting women. Yeah, man. But I mean, you know, you never know in that state it's like they seem like they want it, which

unfortunately, I'm not saying that that's okay, but it's a really good way to get around it. I think it's possible. A good way to do. Justify it. It's possible for a sober person to hook up with a drunk person.

It's just the question is how drunk, right? Or how fucked up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And are you clearly obtaining, like, actual consent or is it just like, whew, drunk consent? And then, yes, a dude who did that who didn't obtain, like, actual.

I wish that was a legal term. Wow! It's like, now the defendant states that she was not. Oh, I understand. understandable, everyone's taking notes. Totally. Because all these adults are like fretting about how the youths are getting all fucked up and fucking each other.

You haven't been getting fucked up and fucking each other forever. It's just making sure that the person knows what they're doing, like actually knows what they're doing. Not like you can fudge it, but actually knows what they're doing. People getting fucked up, they be fucking, and we be out of here today on page seven. Why does he only fuck men when he's in the United States? I don't know, man. Some people have different tastes in different places. Maybe he likes the United States accent, you know?

Maybe I can, you know, I'm close enough. Maybe I can give him a whirl. Yeah, like when I'm up here, like I don't drink Big Red, but when I go home, I drink Big Red. Oh, I like Big Red. What if I got a suction cup dildo? Maybe that would, maybe that would fantasize his fancies. Oh, I'll be the crow for the night. John Snow.

Windy is coming. My name is Jackie Zabrowski. My name is Molly Nethel. I'm Marcus. Man, you'd have to ask you. act like that, like, what's her name? Jordan Snow. Oh, you greet.

Yeah, you'd have to be. Everyone would have to be agreed. Anyway, that's another fable for another staple. You guys have a great week. We'll talk to you next week. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.