Page 7 - Episode 119: Boozy Water with Henry Zebrowski

Episode Date: July 13, 2015

Henry Zebrowski joins us to talk about how the Voice would be better if everyone was hideously ugly or scarred and his recent mildly aggressive interaction with Wesley Snipes, while Jackie professes her newfound love for Gin Fizzies aka Boozy Water. Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Oh, man. They don't all look the same, but when they are basketball players, it's rough sometimes. That's not true. That is not true. All people look different, Jackie. Yeah, what about Larry Bird? He's a big white guy.

He's very obviously Larry Bird. Yeah, what about the China? Hang Song Tao, what's his name? Yao Ming. Yao Ming. Exactly. The names sound the same, but they all look different

in each Chinese country, each Asian country. No, Henry, sorry, X. Each one of the Chinas. Hey, wait, Henry, Henry, you're fired. I'm bringing it back, everybody. You're fired. Hey, guys, how's everybody doing? Everybody out there, you're fired.

Shacky Zabrowski. My name is Molly Neffle. I'm Marcus Parks, and today we have a very special guest, Henry Zabrowski, in the studio with us. All the way fresh from the Hollywood of Canada. Ah, sweet, sweet Toronto, where everybody's, wrong and the men look like shit. Is that why you're wearing a Hawaiian shirt because you're like on vacation

from the north? Because he looks like shit? No. Because he's trying to fit it in Toronto and now he's in Brooklyn? No, I'm on vacation. I'm wearing a vacation shirt. You do look passive. He's on vacation from his problems. I'm from my problems. I just I'm feeling it seems to be

a lot of shirts now have tiny little prints on him. Yeah. And so they all look like this. Yeah, sometimes pants even have prints on them. Little pants on them. Henry has printed shorts. I've seen them with my own eye. Wasn't that just the best day we've ever had? He defashioned off all of his

shirts and his shorts for me. Man, we had a great time in Toronto. You did a little run with? Yeah. Oh my God. Just for me when I was in town visiting. I've been very lonely. Highly, highly lonely. But it's good to be back. Yeah.

Yeah. I told you, do you want me to tell this story now of how I made Wesley Slend? Snipes mad? Of course. That's why I asked you to be on the show. And who told me this story, it was like,

well, you want to come do page seven tonight? So I love hearing page seven because of how much stuff you guys are wrong about. It is how many things that are... What, like Bruce Jenner? Which we fucking called a year ago? Two years ago. Exactly.

But when a tree's got a hit a trans woman. You know what I'm saying? In the forest. You trying to say a stop clock is right twice a day? In a tree falling? Two in the bush. Right? Because guess what Bruce Jenner has right now is two and them bush?

You know what I'm saying? That is inappropriate. And his struggle is... I think it's perfect for this though. I think it's fine. I think we're okay with it here. He's got a couple of jangles. But I love his face and I think she is brave.

He doesn't want to be called she yet. Not yet. He doesn't want to be called she yet. No, no, no. We're calling him she when we want to call him she. No, just because Diane Sawyer called him she, he openly said he didn't want to to be called she. And what do you grab her wrist and go, bitch, I'm a man?

Did she do that? Do you do that? No, because he flipped his hair and he's like, do you want to see my dress collection? And that's what he said. Hmm. And that's fine. I think it's fine. It's fine. I'm not judging it because of that. A gender neutral pronoun, which the English language

doesn't really have. I hate it. No, it's Z. No, no, no, no. I hate Z. Only people who took one women's studies course in college. That's not true. Some people use Z, But they is the most common, like, just to say, like, they said this instead of he or she said this. Z is really weird to me. Yes, because you can't call them like a mamaloo, right, or like a weird other word.

Some people have their own special, you know, their own, like, I like this particular pronoun. But they, if you're not sure, they is a good bet. Okay. Yeah. It is. That it is. It is. It is.

It's terrible. It's terrible. It is. So I had to do a hero's function last night over. for NBC And there was the tiniest little savory meringues On a plate

What is that mean? Was there tuna in them? They were like Bacon-y, like, but marangs. I don't understand how that... You know what baked meringue? I mean, I know what a meringue is, but I've never had a bacon meringue before.

It was savory. Ugh. And I was having gin fizzies all night. Man, we love our gin fizzies. I turned Henry. I got, Nassim Pidjrod from S&L to start calling them gin fizzies. This is just gin and soda.

It's gin and soda. Which is what we've been drinking. We decided it's the summer of gin. Yeah. That sounds dangerous. It's extremely dangerous. I don't feel good. I grabbed the head of the development of Amazon

was telling them how great Netflix was. That's what I was doing last night. I was hammered. Making mistakes. You just black out. That's the problem with gin fizzies. You're smiling. You're smiling.

You're smiling. You don't remember anything. I had to get police. by my agent. To be like, Henry, maybe you don't want to talk about Netflix and for the Amazon guy, huh? Like, really smiley while I'm just sweating outside, chain smoking cigarettes and yelling

about how great Netflix is. Anyway, can you get to the fucking story? This is a celebrity gossip podcast. What am I doing? Now I'm talking about your fucking marangues. I'm out. If that's not gossip, what is. The fact that I watched Zach Levi eat a savory meringue last night.

It's pretty spicy, Jackie. How did he eat it? Did he eat it like a cat, licks up, Water? No, no, no. He's not Emma Woods. Also met her last night. She's got a facial twitch. I love it.

No, this is from the horse's mouth. This is. This is good. But now Henry is so like hanging out with people like this that he's like, oh, what? He's not like obscure celebrity named here. What are you? Emma Woods?

And like, Henry's like, high five of himself. Yeah, yeah. Hell yeah. That's why he's been waiting to be on page 7, just so we can talk about this stuff. Finally drop names, anybody, I can't, that, no one cares to listen to me. Now, who is Emma Woods? What's her name? Because she is not showing up Emma Wood's, but.

No. I didn't know who Emma Woods. She was on American Horror Story. Oh. She was the fake psychic. Oh. Wait, is this the lesbian? No.

She's fucking sex. Is she a lesbian? In season three? Who, because then maybe that was her very hot girlfriend. The one that was like the reporter kind of woman. In the second season, I guess I shouldn't be giving shit. Ooh, I know who you're talking about. She's a lesbian, hardcore.

No, not that one. She's a lesbian just in the show. Nah, no, no, I think she likes that, Duk. I like that, Duke. Emma Roberts? Yes. Who's that? Marcus, hit us.

Okay. Oh, I don't know who that is. Oh, she's Julia Roberts' niece. Oh, wow, that's why anybody cares about her. And she's the daughter of Eric Roberts. Ooh, I know him. He was in the remake of In Cold Blood. And he's in the new Human Centipede 3.

And he was in the cable guy. What's this woman look like? I want to see the Twitch. I mean, she looks pretty normal. I mean... Oh, she's just... She's nothing. She's nothing to me.

She asked for a cigarette for me. We're outside. I was smoking a cigarette. She was like, I gave a cigarette. And I was just like... Are you twitching? Yeah, she was making a twitch on her face, and I was just been like, yeah, you know, I'm on, I'm on a show to. Oh, God.

Because she wasn't looking at me, or I was running my mouth a little bit, trying to be funny, and she kind of stared at me and stared at me. She probably thought you were her assistant. Or one of her coterie. It's like, is he the one that makes the croissants? That miss, I go, I need another savory meringue. Where's that strawberry in the ranc? That little Mexican said they were out.

She didn't say that. I think they're all pretty liberal. I don't think that they were fucking saying that, Henry. No, you get him hammer. They get really racist. Like all of Canada. So I was at the NBC parties, enjoying a savory meringue,

having a gin fizzie with none other than Nassim Padraud. That's a bit of a name. Who's that? I don't know. It doesn't matter. Saturday night last. But we were having a good time.

And then I said, saw Wesley Snipes walk past and I decided to make the joke where as you walk past I was like oh man nobody tell the police that Wesley Snipes is here do they know he got to be more careful than this because they're going to arrest

him because the tax evasion I was doing that I thought I was whispering like that but I was going Wesley Snipes is going to get arrested by the police and then Wesley Snipes said stared at me like blade like you were a vampire

that he was going to murder. That's fucking awesome. And saw a good reason to murder. Oh, yes, absolutely. It would feel no remorse. I was being quite drunk. Man, you should have talked to him about two Wong Fu things for everything Julie Newman.

I should have. Ask him how Swayze was and if he was sad when he died. Yeah, that's a gin-phizzy conversation. Were you sad when Patrick Swayze died or did you like it? You remember when you wore a dress? Do you remember that? I'm Henry. I'm Henry.

I'm in a show. I'm on a show. show too. Don't think I wouldn't be. How big are your pants? I don't work here. I don't work here. I mean, I work here, but I'm not here. In the Hollywood of Toronto. Man, there's no sentence that will take your dignity away faster than I don't work here.

I don't work here. No matter where you are. It doesn't matter where you are. When you have to say that, something's already gone wrong. When you realize you're wearing like a red shirt, shirt and Target. I feel like I'm to say that to five people. I don't work here. I did that to a big woman at

the Duane Reed of Toronto. It's called Shoppers Discount Market, which is retarded. But I saw her on, walking past, and I thought she had the same blue shirt on. I was like, excuse me, I'm looking for the lufas. She was just like I needed a lufa.

Oh, you'll bitch, is that what she said? No, no. She's like, I don't work here. Man, I don't work here. Sorry. That accent is rough. I hate it. It's rough. I was only there a few days, and by the end of it, I was like, shy up! Speak normal!

Have confidence! Yes, because everything ends in a question. I guess, yeah? I don't know why. I don't work here. I just started re-watching the new two seasons of Henry. May I? Aren't you a celebrity?

No, and are you fucking burping into the microphone? There's two now Netflix made seasons of trailer park boys. The trailer park boys was my favorite, and so I just started watching them. So I've got the Canadian accent fresh on my mind, and I assume that everyone in Canada is exactly like Ricky and Julian from trailer park boys. And sort of. They have a lot more personality. It's great.

That shows great. Yeah. The accent's great in certain... It's great if you're having a Moulson's on a... kayak Then it's great. With like a windbreaker on. Oh yeah.

And you see a puffin. Yeah. That is cool. That is cool. If it's at customs and it's in a big angry customs man, it gets really a fucking... Sorry, I'm not going to let you through.

Yeah. I had a rough time coming back through because I had a customs guy that was a big, beautiful black man and he had that just wretched accent. And he's just like, he's like, oh, you got any

cigarettes on you. I was like, well, it says, you know, you have to have over 200 to, like, claim it. And I was like, no, not. And he's like, oh, you don't? You sound like you do.

You don't sound good. And, like, said it and just, like, stared into my soul. I was like, yeah, I've got cigarettes on me. I was like, you must be really good with women, huh? Then we stared at each other. And then he stamped my password. And then we went through and it was really...

That's a date. I think we might be married. I think we might be married now. by Canadian law. So Canada, huh? Boy. Fuck them. Fuck those guys.

Justin Bieber's from Canada, is he? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Fuck them. Yeah. But so is Martin Short. Mm, and John Candy. Oh, and Catherine O'Hara. Jim.

Um. Jim Daniels. How long do we go? Marlboro man, dude. First guy was from Canada. Mike Myers. Mike Myers is. Yuck.

Oh, send him back. Rick Moranis. He's. also from Canada. Yeah, Ian Ma Belly. Eugene Levy is also from me. I love Eugene Levy, though. Yeah.

SETV is something that you should watch. That is good Canada. All Canada. Everything else, bad Canada. Canadians is better. I like Canadens. You canadens?

You canadens? Excuse me, ma'am. You seem to be drinking out of three cups filled with what appears to be gin and soda water. There's my collection. A gin, fizzy collection. I also have certain

calling it my boozy water as well which I really enjoy that's just my boozy water you're just slowly becoming the career alcoholic I have a water with booze boozing in my boozy water You know what I let the dog

anywhere near that boozy water Girls I'll find them for it Anyway Anyway American Idol is getting canceled So is there a reason why have you found anything like It has finally just limped to a stop.

Yeah. I have to say it really broke my heart because I said this right before the podcast started and Molly said What is the difference between American Idol and the voice?

And I almost threw up inside of my gin. It sounds like you're going to throw up. It's the gin fizzy. It's just hitting my kidneys So I'm starting to have to process it a little bit harder Which is a huge fucking difference.

Number one, difference, Blake Shelton. He is the reason for the voice. He's the reason why I watch the voice. I don't really watch it that much anymore. And the best part, it's blind. Right. It's blind.

But this is my problem with the voice, right? I think the voice would be literally, finally maybe half a good show. If the people that were on the voice were heinously ugly or scarred. Some of them are, though. No, they're not. Not enough. Yeah.

I mean, if they turn around, The guy was like, I don't know much, then I know I love you. No one likes Aaron Neville, except for me. Yes, but they turn around and they're like, that guy's amazing. And he's got that gigantism disease where his face looks like a fucking bunch of mushrooms. Elephantitis. Yeah. See, this is the show we need to make.

That's what the voice should be, though. I agree with you, Henry. If it's blind, isn't the whole point like, who cares what you look like? If they're all beautiful and had beautiful voices. But can you sing that well if you have elephantitis of the head? Absolutely not. Only if God himself. Guy, you'd get the song.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, see, that boy, he was born with three eyes. Yeah, but see, look at how many people they have to dive through just to get the small smattering of semi-talented people on the show. No, no, no, no, no, they don't dig through people. All those people are represented by agents and managers. They are professional singers already. That is the truth.

No, they come from nothing and never here. That is not true. They are all, they were chosen. They come on another here. Nope. Is there an audition round? Like there is an American Idol? Yes.

There is. But they already have connections. That's how they even got in that room in the first place. So put me in the fucking room. You don't have it yet. You don't know how much. Wait, I'm turning. I love you.

Oh my God. Is he going to turn around? Let me be all I need. No. He didn't turn around. Oh, no. Unfortunately, we can't take you. I just love it because after none of them turn around,

they all turn around, they're like, you were great. You just not what we're looking for. Just like break their heart in the run of a bunch. It's great. There was a deformed girl on X Factor. She was third. But what was her job?

Like, eat how many bushels of apples she could eat out of a crate? X Factor is rough. Yeah, you can do anything on X Factor. It's pretty scary. Yeah, she was her name's Rionne Page, 13-year-old girl. It looks like she's got back. She does have backwards elbows. That's her deformity. Henry.

Try to make a joke. She has a rare disease that has her left wrist joints deformed and she's blind in one eye. And she's saying a Carrie Underwood song. Hey, guys, your hair is absolutely gorgeous. Thank you so much. My name is Ryan Bates. She doesn't have backward elbows. What about the wrists?

Yeah, actually, it's her wrist that are backwards. Her hands are done wrong. Thank you. I'm so excited to meet you. She looks like all my Barbie dolls. Except. When I was done snapping their arms back in. That's what I mean, yeah.

After the doctor had it surgery. Wait, but let's take deformities off the table for a second. And can I just find out, are people on the voice normal looking slash ugly? Or are they all beautiful? They're all beautiful. See that? There's some uglies, though. Yeah, but not that ugly.

They're not ugos. They're normies. No, the uglies all were the most talented And the uglies wouldn't make it All the way through So it's like they would get to like The third to the last round Because some of them were like

Not attractive but then like You hear that voice And it's like God is smiling down She can single way to heaven Man it is true And then you watch as they get kicked off the show And then I would stop watching Because that's all I wanted to was to watch

That ugly man with a beautiful voice from God to make it to get an album. That should be the whole fucking boy to the voice. That should be the show. Yeah. Now, is he, how ugly is he? Um. Or is he just a fatty?

I mean, fatty with fedoras on. You know, that's rough. All right. You can take a fedora off, but it says something about the personality. You can see it on their heart, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? Yeah, you can't, you can't totally take a fedora off.

Are you looking up ugliest person to perform on the voice? Yes. Yeah, yeah, I googled ugly people on the voice. I mean, Susan Boyle comes up number one. Well, Susan Boyle... She was on American. She's on British. Britain's got talent.

Yeah, and she's got a George Washington face. But she's very... Talented. She's okay. Molly, have you heard the album? I haven't. Have you heard the album? She sounds bad.

I have a soft spot for anybody who sings any song ever from Lay Miz. I mean, for sure. I am with you a thousand percent. I love Le Miz. But she's like, she's never going to be in it. Because she's not a whore and she doesn't look like she's been starving for the past 20 years of her life.

She's not an orphan. She's not fighting a revolution. For ugly people, maybe. She could be Madame de Farge. Do you remember that from a set the tale two cities? Yeah. I know you're talking about.

You're mixing up two different stories in French Revolution, though, Henry. That's fine. It's all same. It's all same. Two different French revolutions. Huh. Ooh, okay, well, let's see.

Like, let's hear... Childhood. This is her singing wild horses. Is this Susan Boyle? Yeah, this is Susan Boyle, yeah. She's doing, like, a weird young thing with her voice. This is from her album, I Dream to Dream. And it's her holding her own head like it's a fucking crooked cancel.

On the album cover. Oh, yeah. But I feel like they definitely put a bunch of effects on it. Yeah, she sounds like a child. Also, the song doesn't need to be any slower. That song doesn't need to be slower than it is. Now, am I supposed to imagine her in a red see-through slip, like, lighten a candle right now? Because that makes me want to shut off her off.

She's trying to pull a Celine Dion, but she doesn't look like Celine Dion. Not that's even that attractive. But there's a valid premise of the voice. You shouldn't have to look like Celine Dion in order to have an album. Slade Dion wasn't even that, again, that hot. No, weird example of hotness and noise. I love Sleadion. I had a sexual attraction to her as a child.

As did I. I mean, I'm going to skip ahead. That's a terrible cover. That is a terrible song. Let's skip ahead. Is she got a jumpier number? This is like three minutes in. Sounds the same as before.

Yeah, okay, let's jump ahead a little bit more. This is like one of those 80 SMR videos. You, I hate it. I hate it. Does she have a fast-paced song? I want to hear. Okay, let's see it. Let's hear her version.

Okay, Daydream Believer. That's got to be an upbeat one, right? Sure. Yeah. Oh, I could hide. It doesn't sound like her. It's the same song as before. Isn't this a monkey song?

No, not what you to do. I want you to take a song. I want you to make it million-torn shal. What are you like with this song, especially if he's a bit of a dance number. And I won't it sound like I'm carrying a cat. It's more of a mourning, did he? I want to mourn while he listened to the song. Why does it sound like she's talking to a bunch?

She's like a singing songs to a bunch of talking foxes and nose. Turning into a durn. Is it a d'Ur? I want to do the chorus, though. Shut your fucking... It's too slow. Is there anything else that's supposed to be fast? I don't know.

Maybe I dreamed a dream. No. You have to listen to Lay Miss. Maybe cry me a river. Please listen to Laymiz, Marcus. You're going to love it. So I Dream to Dream is that's the... I dreamed to dream of days.

And it's the song that made her famous. She's saying I Dream a Dream on the show. Yuck. No. Also, she's not a sex kidding laying a top of piano. No. She's really not. She's not.

And that's fine, but don't present her like she is. Remember they like did her eyebrows and all that? They tried to make her. Sexy, yeah. Aretha Franklin was like a Volkswagen on her side with heels on it, right? She was huge and she still was sexy and fun and up being. She was amazing. Yes.

Yeah, well, Susan Boyle doesn't need to do that. Susan Boyle can be the person who. who surprised everybody by looking like an old British lady from the country. She had the vocal prowess to back it up. The problem also, every one of these album covers looks like the thing from Fantastic Four with a wig on. Yeah, like, let's hear another one. Love this song. Yeah, you're right, man.

It is a bad world. She sounds like a 13-year-old girl in everything she sings you. I mean, her, I mean, wasn't her, like, her whole thing, there's her power, the power in her voice that she was able to push so big. Because there's that high note in her dream to dream. Yeah. I don't even think she had that strong of a voice. Again, all kidding aside. Lamedness is very difficult to sing.

Yes, absolutely. And I'm proud of Susan Boyle, and I'm glad that she's out. there. Henry, are you throwing up in your mouth right now? No, she's dead. She's over. She's not dead. She's alive.

She's alive. She's alive and well. She's alive and well, but over. Yeah. Well, let's hear from her first audition. Let's hear what this sounds like. She sounds much better. This is an actual voice.

Yeah. This is a thing. Yes, she sounds much better. Yeah, that's... It did really hit that note, but... They are the only reason why she won, or had anything I do this, is just because you're like... She was ugly and she can kind of sing.

Yeah. She was a surprise. But the thing is like, listen to the Broadway version of that song and you're blown away by this song. You're like crying by the end of it. Good point. I do love this song. God, I love Leibus. I love Leibus.

Not this version, no. Not this version. I just, in my head, I just like, oh. Especially the, like, the redux of it. The time is now The day is here One way for The more day to revolution

We'll get in the butt I thought I love him so much I listen to the whole thing At least once a week Can you please stick together Do a recounting of the entire layman What we'll do is

Then Doug will leave you And we can just take over The whole apartment That's great, yeah And then we can just sing Lay Miss every day All day Okay, great.

Wonderful. All right. What song do you want him to sing right now? From Les Mis, do the one, the really sad one that the girl Eponine sings about loving Marius. Wait, don't you fret, Monsieur Marius, I don't feel any pain. Jackie transformed into a young French woman with a corset on it. You hardly hurt me now. You can smell the fire of it.

of the gun smoke on her. I'm here. That's all I need. You can see the dirt of Paris on her. And you will keep me safe. Will the revolution win in the world? The air is dying right now.

F.I.N. Thank you. She was dying in that scene. She was actually dying. She was actually dying. She fucking got shot. It's like a whole Moulon side plot where she tried to be a man.

She's like, fuck it. I'm going to go fight in the revolution. But she never. told him how much she loved him until she was dying in his arm I identified hard with that character as a high schooler because it's an entire plot just about unrequited love

pining pining love boy did I identify with that it really did it for me huh yeah Molly Molly I was like

that was me for a phantom of the opera when I was in you identified with the beast in the basement absolutely don't look at me and that uh gooo doll song and I don't mind the way. Wait, was that the one that was in City of Angels?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll never forget. I'm in a big spoiler alert. I don't know if I've talked about it on here before. I just remember watching with my family, City of Angels, which is Meg Ryan and... Nick Cage. And like, he's an angel, all these things.

She falls in love with him in the very end. She's riding on the bike and her arms are out. And like the Gougu-Dall song's playing. And then my father's like, yeah, and then she gets hit by a fucking truck. And then she gets hit. by a fucking truck and we just lose our shit they're all said

and they're all like no I'm sobbing though you know it's like Henry thought it was hilarious my dad's laughing his ass off I'm burst into tears

oh that was a great that was a good moment at the other moment he called it that was insane he actually called it and also watching American History X with them

And then my dad calling the guy that rapes him Mr. Bendover. And then he kept doing that for approximately two years. I've just been like, Be careful when you're on the show. You know, when Mr. Dover's going to come over. Mr. Dover? Mr. Ben Dover? Yeah.

Yeah. I get it. Get it. Yeah, yeah. I know, Dad. He sounds like a good man. You know, he has his chuckles. He's charming.

He sounds charming. He sounds very charming. Hmm. But I'd imagine anyone that could produce you to just has to be a... Dripping with charm. That's not what I was going to say, but let's just go with it. Dripping with charm. Thank you, Marcus.

Oh, it's time for the list. Yeah. Who's got the list? Yeah, got to have that list. Amazing highlights from the New York Times Chris Jenner profile. Boring. Henry, you're fine. Henry, you're not making the requisite positive noises that check.

Yeah, I'm sorry. It's the appropriate noise. Especially when it's a slow week and I can't find a good list. There you go. Thank you. I appreciate that greatly. This is one of her regrets. She did a tooth-witening endorsement.

She said it was too cheesy. Wait, what is this? Sounds like she... She does nothing, right? Chris dinner? Yeah. Yeah, nothing at all. She's like an Instagram.

She fucked powerful men. Is that it? Yes. She plugged Robert Kardashian. And then... And O.J. Simpson. And O.J. Simpson. Yeah, yeah.

And she... We talked about that at length last week. Yeah, I remember. She bosses her children around. Mm-hmm. I don't even know if she does anymore. She does endorsements. Fuck, we didn't talk about their mage.

The what? Thermage. Let's just go and talk about the thermage then. We need to talk about the thermage. We just bring up thermage really fast. Let's bring up the thermage. Because we don't have a whole lot of blind items either. Thermage blew my mind. I was talking to a source yesterday. It wasn't a source. It was just someone I met. And we were talking about... It's a source. It's kind of a source I get. And she was the dermatologist and the doctor was just like...

She's like, you want to take out... She's kind of like lower eyelids. And he's like, you want to... bring those up. What the fuck? René Zalweger. What's a lower island? When you look like you're squinting. I'll, uh, okay, yeah, like you're squinting. They're referred to as hooded islands.

But like... And then it looks like you're squinting. Hooded island's not meaning like Muppet eyes. No, they're droopy islands. I feel like I've got big fat Muppet Islands. Oh, and people have got extra skin on the islands. They're called hooded eyelids. Why is this link purple already?

Are we getting... Anyways, never mind. It just seems like someone has been searching for hooded eyelids on my computer. That's really kind of gross. Because it also sounds like a penis thing. But maybe that's just in my head. I think it's just in your head. Okay.

No, the word hooded. I associated it with the penis. Like a superhero or a penis. Yeah. Yep. And he told her to get thermage done, which apparently thermage is, it is skin tightening, specifically for hooded eyelids, but also other parts of your body, that is done with sound vibrations.

So what, you like put your face against a speaker and it goes like, it's like different machines that go against your body and put sound vibrations into your skin, and it takes about six months to actually tighten your whole face, so it makes sense with Renee Zellweger when she's like, I never had plastic surgery because she fucking didn't. She had thermage.

And the reason why she had, the people had seen her a few months before, she looked completely exactly the same and then she was completely different it takes that amount of time for your whole skin to tighten and it makes you look like almost a completely different person

which she did she looked like weird Rabin right she looked very fucking weird well what's the point of it then if you're just going to look like a weird new person because it's people that are very self-conscious about their hooded eyelids and also you've always had hooted eyelids yeah but you're a fucking billionaire so you don't

want it anymore you don't have anymore You're Renee Zellweger. Who cares? I wish that I could picture what a hooded eyelid was. Aside from Renee Zellwiger, she didn't look like she was always having an allergic reaction. Yeah, I mean, that's pretty much what it is. Here, look at this. This is a hooded eyelid.

You can see this extra fold of skin goes over the island. I see how we can see. You can't see the tops of their eyes, like the top of their eyelid. Man, that's hideous. And I hate it. I think you should all be pulled out. Oh, yeah. It's not actually the part that goes over your eye.

It's the part between your eye and your eyebrows. It's the skin flaps. Yeah. And it hangs down. Too much skin flap. All right. I got it. It's like your belly fat.

Boy, it's on your fucking eyes. That's a great way to explain it. I'm certain that plastic surgeons love to do it. Look, you know how you fucking gut hangs over your fucking belt? Imagine your eyebrows. I like that. That's rough for you because you can see your eyeball. Look at you, you ugly, huh?

Let me fix you with all. I got these speakers. I got a bunch of headphones. I'm going to stick in your face. I'll blast you right up. It's just the name thermage I love. Yeah. Because it just sounds so fucking dickhead.

It sounds also like... I'm like a bit of a ma'am. It sounds gentler than it is, which it sounds like it's just blasting someone's face into their skull. Which is pretty fucking cool. And it's cool that it takes months. It puts you in. So it's like, so what happens in your face that it takes months for your face? To react to it.

And then what happens when it wears off? Does your face become a bunch of rags? No, it starts to pooch again and then you get more. Okay, so it'll return just to normal, right? Yes, in about two years or so. Wow. Because it's a very expensive procedure to get. So she thought it was so hilarious.

So we can look forward to Renee Zellwiger coming back to us as we knew her. I just love the fact that she looks like she's surprised and that she's been very close to the sun. It's the surprise. When you're so used to seeing someone with that kind of eye, it's like now she looks surprised. And then in the same breath, which I do, have you guys seen Wild yet?

Reese Witherspoon's a movie. Wild. With Sophia Vergara? I don't really like walking movies. Yeah, I don't really like walking movies either. What about it? Was Hatchet ever a movie? No, but it was a walking story.

I liked Hatchet. But it wasn't a movie. I like Forrest Gump, but that's more of a running movie. He runs. There's only a third of it. Of it. Yeah. I mean, he didn't know what love was.

That's like a third act. Long movie. Yeah. Remember the smiley face shirt, though? That was real fun. Wild. I was just, I was talking about how like, because she didn't have any makeup on and that. I was just like talking about that.

Now that's brave. And this, but the source, my source was saying she couldn't get past. This random woman you met. And I talked to. She was talking about, she's like, I couldn't get past the entire movie. That the whole movie is her face and her walking. But she couldn't. move any part of her face because she had so much plastic surgery done because she didn't have

any makeup on. So she's like, so she would be like upset about something and her like her brow wouldn't even furrow. Or she's like, her face. She's like, I was so obsessed with how her face didn't move the entire movie. And the whole movie was her face. Wow. Also acting is moving her face.

It's expressions. Molly, you don't know anything about it. I'm sorry. Let's ask Hollywood. Or Hollywood Henry Zabroski, what's acting? All I know is that I want to look young absolutely forever. I like that. There's no reason to ever move your face.

It's like ventriloquism but without a puppet. The best characters don't need smiles or frowns or winks or eyebrow movement to sell a character or an emotion. They can just use the terny's face between your stretched out lips. The problem with you is that I can see the furrows in your headbrow, and I think you really need to get those fixed. Is that it? Yeah, when he were doing that, I was like, yeah, but look at his forehead. Yuck.

Expressive forehead. No, that's why I'm doing a daily regimen of drinking and smoking to make me the distinguished older man actor that I'll be. Also, another sidebar. Man actor? Yeah, good luck on that. I'm a man actor. Did you see that Kylie Jenner came out after she did the whole Kyle.

She was a Kylie Jenner challenge with the Gatorade bottle. And she's like, no, I wasn't actually doing that. I had work done. She did? Oh, that makes me mad. Of course she had worked on. And she had hundreds of thousands of teenage girls stuck into Gatorade bottles. Fucking ruining their faces.

This is my question. Oh, fucking good for them. Like, if I can ruin your face, you little idiot. They're kids. So Chris Jenner has divorced her way to being a millionaire. What does Kylie Jenner do? She's the next Kim. She tells people to put their fucking lips and gatorade bottles

until they get all the fucking. And then they all did it. What is her job? She's a model. Also, an author. Yeah. Oh my God. That book.

Did you ever hear it? We talked better and weird. Oh yeah. They co-authored a book, right? They co-authored. Kylie and Kendall co-authored a book together. It's a pop-up book? It's co-authored spelled with a cake.

It is, yeah. It's called Rebels, City of Indra. It's supposed to be a galapocalyptic book. They did not write this book. No way. The story of... Rebels. City of Indra.

The story of Lex and Livia. Is that real? It came out last year. It's an e-book, though, isn't it? Never went to paperback. It came out in hard back. Oh, it came out in hard back. I thought it was an e-book.

What are they writing about, like... And then sometimes Lupe, the Mexican, comes from the South, and he'll come, and he gets our bags from the car. And I wonder what planet he's from. Listen to this. In a world of the far future, the great... city of Indra has two faces. A beautiful paradise floating

high in the sky. A nightmare world of poverty carved in a tunnel beneath the surface of the earth. So it's where the Kardashian lives and then where everybody else lives. Kindle and Kylie Jenner, the youngest sisters in the Kardashian dynasty, have ridden a gripping tale of air, fire, and a bond of

blood. Unbelievable. I forgot about this. I have to read this book. I have to know. I'm astounded. That's even real. So, Henry, when you want to ask what they're doing, the co-authors, they wrote a book. What have you been fucking doing? Learning lines?

You piece of fucking garbage? The light broke through the surface. 20 feet tall and armed with bits the size of a man. The drill engines had been running continuously. Andrew read the depth sensors and knew that the end. was nearly in sight. What does that mean? Already his crew had broken two more drill bits as they clawed their way upward, covered in dirt and ash and dust and clay. What else is dirty? Yeah, thesaurus. The sorres dirt is dirt. Dirt. Bucks are deadly. And dirty dishes, dirty dishes are dead.

Manez is bad for you. They didn't write the book. So funny to me that they just had ghostwriters that wrote this book. So they are authors. But also, I think it was a $40 million house said Kylie Jenner, who was 17 years old just bought. Was it 40? It might have been, maybe it's just 4 million. Maybe I'm crazy.

Maybe it's just 4 million, not 40 million. But also, she's 17 years old. Yeah. Okay. She does nothing. That was, okay, that was from the prologue. This is Chapter 1. This is from the viewpoint of Livia.

Chapter 1. Countdown to Emergence Ball. Day before. I'm breaking the rules, and I absolutely refuse to care. Veda gallops through the floating gardens and Winnie's ecstatically as we pass the last... It's a horse. Definitely a horse. Of course. She's on a horse.

She's on a man that she paid to Winnie. Can we just fucking say she's on a horse? No, we take the horse. from the thing to the other thing and she's putting on a dress. I don't understand the sentence. I know that I'm helping ghost author this book for you guys,

but you do understand that this is your choice. You don't have to write this book. It's just boring and stupid to write a book. We're on a fucking horse. I choose a horse. You chose to write a book. There was no reason if you don't want to write a book.

I like horse. I want to make a horsey go from point A to point B. Write it. I want the whole book to be about that. Oh my God, I cut my nails too short yesterday, and now I can see the lime is really close to the turquoise. Oh, my God. I think I need to go sleep for three days. I'm going to let you guys take a break, okay?

And I'm going to go back to being an author in my real life. Hi, I'm John Grisham. I'm the ghost off. My emergence ball will be spectacular, and that is all that matters. As for me, I'm more of a gilded centerpiece to be admired. I'm Lydia Cosmo, the orphan heiress, living breathing memorial. I wish my parents were dead.

To the great Armand Cosmo. Let's call her Kylie Janer. Janer! She's an orphaned says she's different than me. She doesn't have any parents telling her what to do all the time, like clean her room. My fucking Peta didn't come in early enough today. And I didn't know I had to wake up. Lupita!

I didn't know. Please let me see my family. I haven't been allowed to. I haven't been released. Lepeda, shut up. I told you never to talk. My name's not Lupita. My name is John Gresham.

I'm writing your book. Mrs. Mrs. Jenner. Please let me go Which category of help are you? Is it weird that I wish I was Kylie Jenner? No, everybody does.

Yeah, I would love to be Kylie Jenner. I don't want to look like her, I just want to be her. Yeah, of course. I want to look like her. I just want to look like me, but being her. No, I want to be her in every aspect. I want to look like her and live her life. Yeah, I want her sweet wet pussy.

I want you to stay looking like you, Jackie, but I want you to be her. But I also would like to be her. And do you want to date Taiga? Excuse me? He's 25. He's dating, there's a scandal because Kylie or Kendall, whichever one is the young one, she's underage and she's dating an overage person. Did you say taiga? Tyga. Tyga.

Tyga. Like the animal, but not spelled properly. But cool. Okay. Tiger. Tiger. Yeah, I'd rather date like Leanne. Hello, my name is Giraff.

Man, shoot off. I love you. you so much. I don't care that you're 65 and you kind of just want to... I think that's all he says. He likes me to put leaves of my hair and I don't really know why but then he said flicking

me and it's kind of cute. Jutoff, you are the best boyfriend have ever had in my life. I'm vulnerable when I'm drinking from the toilet. Well, Tyga I found out a little bit about him. He has a two-year-old son

named King Cairo. Cool. Is this from the jungle book? Is this a jungle book thing? He had King Cairo with a woman named Black China. Cool. Is she thick as shit? Does she have a clit the size of a penis as well?

Ho Chi Min. Yeah. Which one is Black China? On the right. Yeah. She's pretty. That is a woman. Look at.

She's beautiful. Damn. That's a. Wait, who's Tyga? That's a lot of butt. Tyga is this little fella right here. The baby. Not the baby. The adult person.

Yeah, the adult. He's ugs. Yeah. He's not a good-looking dude. But he's dating. A 17-year-old girl. Yeah, he's 25. Tool.

That's cool, and he's got a kid? Yeah. She's 17. I feel like the whole thing with the... At least she's 17. Why? Because if she was 12... No, because what's...

What's Will Smith's daughter's name? Willow? Willow. when Willow was in bed with, like, taking those sexy pictures on Instagram with that, like, 23-year-old guy, and she was, like, what, 13, 14 years old? No way. Yeah. Yes. Like, that's really fucking gross.

At least 17 is close to 18. It's close, but not enough. Not close enough. It's not 18. Not 18. I'm with Henry. I feel like she can't be a better lay than Black China. Black China's got to be a much better fucking lay than Gendl Jenner.

And Black China has got to be really, really. upset. But, you know, we've all had lays that were great, but that we didn't marry. That's why you don't lay someone underneath the age of 25. Yes, I think that is a good policy. Unless you were also under the age of 25, then, yeah. But if you're, it's like Black China man, I bet she can fuck bend that bow. Bend that bow, make a bow tie.

Put him out, put it, take into a black tie fair. She intimidates me sexually. Yeah, I don't know if I would be. I would be able to perform. Yeah, with Black China. No way you guys would be able to live up to her standards. I don't think I could, no, that's what I said. She intimidates me sexually.

I would be sweet to Black China and do what she says. I don't think Tyga, maybe he wasn't that sweet. Maybe Heroff. Jidav. Jir off. Just needs a lot of room to run. I would perform above adequate cunolingus on Black China. That's what we'd have to do.

Yes. That's all you would have. Yeah, exactly. Guys, I love you, but I think that she's used to a different kind of spectrum. I can make a pretty mean red sauce. Yeah, maybe cook for her. All right, so it's time for Blind Nighto. Yay, we can't see them.

And this is a special. There's only two, but they're both from the Met Gala that we discussed last week. Pizza Gala, you mean? The pizza. Because of Rihanna. That I'd miss. She had a big, funny dress that looked like a pizza. You have a pizza.

to look at her dress. Everybody laughed at it. It was cruel. She looked great. She didn't look great. She did. I mean, okay, well, what do you think, Henry? Yeah, she looks stupid. It's real dumb. Yeah, it looks like facial scars.

It looks the guy on the train with no eyes. My eyes. My eyes. My eyes. My eyes. The acid guy, the guy got acid thrown. Yeah, it looks like his fur. He had lie thrown in his eyes. Was it lie? Or maybe he was asked it.

Is lie the crazy, blind love, wherever that documentary is on Netflix? Yeah, crazy love, yeah. That's lie. Yeah. You're a lie. I'm sorry. All right, first one.

The only drug use evident last night was from this former A-list tweener child star, who was a tweener before there was the term. She has a bazillion dollars now, but was a shaky mess who was using corners to get a bump or two and didn't even bother going to the bathroom. Miley? No.

Drew Barrymore. No, no, no, no. Lindsay Lohan. Not that far back, not as far back as Drew Barrymore, but further back than Lindsay Lohan, a tweener with a twin. Yeska Alba. No.

Oh, uh, Olson. Yeah, which one? Mary Kate. Yeah, because. Shock. Like, I'm fucking shocked. Like, she's fucking doing blow. Wait a second.

She's so tiny. I can't believe those guys are still alive doing so much blow. Look at this picture of these two. They are gone. They are gone. They don't look like people that use blow. Those are healthy people. They look like aliens.

Their eyes are just completely fucking. You know, they're not going to be a part of Fuller House. No, they're not. Well, why would they? Why in fucking God's name were they ever chosen? I don't need you. I was a captive under your carer as how I would feel. You took me as a baby.

You didn't ask me. The only person who benefits so that show. was Dave Cooleyet. Nobody else benefits. He's not signed on for it. He's the only one that's not signed on. What else has he got going on? It's happened. He and the Olson twins are the only

ones that have not signed on. No, you know who he's going to fucking benefit? Kimmy Gibbler and fucking DJ Tinner. That's what we've been. Well, Kimmah's still looking pretty good. Yeah, she looks great. They're both looking pretty good. And you know what? Five days ago, Dave Coolier signed on. Did he really? Of course he fucking did.

Yeah, he was like, you know what? Fuck it. He was old not from her mouth. Yeah, he was waiting for me. money. He knew that all he had to do is wait. Everybody. He basically had to wait to see who said yes first. And then it was just like, okay, thank God. He didn't want to be first. Oh, Stamos said yes.

As long as Stamos says yes. Stamos was the frontrunner. Yeah, because Stamos doesn't give a fuck. He'll shoot it on the weekends. He has a bunch of money. He doesn't care. He doesn't care. He doesn't care. Where it's like him is just like, okay, if there's any resistance whatsoever, I can get some more money from this

because, God, no, Sarah's double in the payments every fucking month. I'm running out of Woody the Woodchuck dolls. I'm here. To remind you all the mess you left where we're away. Alanis Morse had sucked his balls. Man, she's got to be a good lay, though. I cannot believe that album.

I had a thing, man. I had a thing for her. Yeah, she's really funny. Her and Lisa Loeb. I think they have that angry girl good sex, though. And that chick from the cardigans. I don't know her. Dead silence. The cranberries?

Mine was baby spice. Ew, baby spice. You know I liked her? Because she reminded me of a baby. I was always scary spice. So. I was always baby spice

because I had blonde hair. That sucks. That sucks. So I wasn't actually baby spice. You were not baby spices. Never. I didn't wear a little pink baby dress. Maybe you should start now.

I could. We should bring it back. Be baby Molly. With your fire. Baby Molly. Oh. Tiny baby. dresses and like big

platform shoes. I have to be sexy Henry there's no bonnets. You're sexy? Yeah you start you start building the image You gotta build your image though if you want to be sexy Yeah because I'm gonna go with sporty Henry And I'm gonna be scary I gotta get it fro It's too late Jesus too I mean Jackie's already pretty scary You're funny I gotta get army pants

Markas you're posh You're posh Sweet. Sorry. She's the one I always wanted to fuck. She's great. We got to get a ginger. Is that Kistel?

Yeah, I guess so. Kisles Ginger. I love the spice girls. Can we make it? If you want to be my lover. Yeah. Making love forever. Fondi never.

Sporty. You're so sporty. Does everybody have a soccer player? I can fuck around here. Oh my God, you have so many kids. It's like I'm a soccer player. You'll do. You can just fuck sporty Henry.

Hey. Hi. And the other one. I don't think I knew this permanent A-list singer even drank any longer. Apparently she does because she was hammered last. night at the gala. She could barely stand at times and was actually being really friendly and then started being snarky as all hell about almost everyone there. It was pretty brilliant.

A plusless singer. Please don't tell me Lady Bay. It wasn't Lady Bay. Oh no, no. Lady Bay doesn't really get that snarky though. Well, that's why I was hoping maybe she got wets and snark. Oh, no, no. She got just a big shock of black hair. A plus list singer. Share. Share. Yeah. Share was at the Met Gallup? Getting just wasted.

I would have loved to be. Is there a picture what she was wearing? Sit next to Cher while Cher's ripping into everybody while she's hammered? I would have loved that. I'd be like, you go, Cher. That would be one of my dreams. Yeah. Get drunk next to Cher.

Next to Cher. Well, she's getting drunk. Let's get fucking hammered together. This sounds great. She's been going to the Met Gallo since 1974. Oh. Damn. I fucking love.

And she went. with Mark Jacobs. This is, I mean... You have a Mark Jacobs? Yeah. Man, you know what? She looks great. I love...

I... To the day I die, I'll love Cher. She's a gypsy. She's my tramp. She's my thief. And I think that she may be one of the classiest woman I've ever seen. It was hard during the Chastity Chaz's face.

Jackie, your Boozwater's empty. You're speaking in the voice of Cher. I love Shera. I just recently re-watched Mermaids. And they forgot. Man, she was just so amazing. I watched Moonstruck and I watched Mermaids. And, man,

God, I love you. If I could be half the woman, Sheras, man, I'd fire myself. Jackie might have a little bit of tears in her eyes right now, or it's her allergies. Maybe it's the Boisewater, and maybe it's the pollen sumon.

tsunami. That is taken over New York City. Jackie, stop sucking on the microphone. It's not ice. It's not ice at the bottom of the drink. What does Doug do during all of this? When you're marathoming

shared films and getting hammered on Jameson. You know what? I've never actually thought about it before, but yeah. The question is, who fucking cares? Okay, that's it for today. It's page seven.

Thanks for listening, everybody. Thanks so much, Henry for being here. Yes, thank you, Henry. Thank you for having me. You're always welcome. Oh, catty-cathies. We'll see you next week. Bye-bye.

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