Page 7 - Episode 122: #neverf*ckedOJ

Episode Date: July 13, 2015

Oh man is Kim pissed about her babies being overshadowed. And also Screech got convicted of stabbing a guy! And joining us today we got Sharron Paul! Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

And done. All right, everybody, everybody join the Jiggin' party. Everybody join the Jiggin' party. Because we're up wearing jackets. I need the give. I need the crotch gift. My name is Jackie Zabrowski. My name is Molly Neffel.

I'm Marcus Parks. And on today, I mean, what else we're going to talk about today? Oh, uh-oh, Caitlin Jenna has arrived. Yay. And of course, today we also have Ms. Chiron Paul joining us. Hi. Hell yeah, man. We saw Charon right as we walked in here.

Mark is like, we have to have Charon on the show. And I said, I like it. I love it. Let's talk about Caitlin, everybody. This is all I've been talking about since yesterday, which is when Caitlin was introduced to the world. Of course. And I just, I literally cried.

Like, I woke up to a photo of Caitlin on my phone that someone sent me, and I was like, she's so beautiful. Man, I feel like I'm really doing my job properly is that I was on the computer. I saw immediately. I got the Us Weekly update. Breaking news. Caitlin Jenner arrives.

I got 10 text messages on my phone about it. Did you see? Did he say? It's like, of course I fucking saw it. Of course I fucking saw it. Of course everybody knows what happened. Everybody knows what's going on with it. But what people may not know is what's going on behind the scenes.

But because of course, if it wasn't for what the announcement was yesterday, what we would be talking about today would be the second child of Kim and Kanye. The second coming. Whatever. The second. The second. Yeah. And we would be talking about that.

We'd be taught, would it be a Southwest? Oh, God. We don't know. Would it be a Southwest? That's what we'd be speculating on. But instead, we're talking about this Caitlin Jenner. No one cares about the Southwest, by the way. The airline has soiled that name for potential.

Yeah, because how you have to board the airplane. I hate that there's no assigned seating. You know, but you're right, Jackie. It's not just the airplane, but it's also the region. of the country that nobody gives a shit about. Yeah, that's kind of a shitty part of the country. Hey, I grew up in the Southwest. Well, you're here now. That is true. But also, Breaking Bad did enough for it. Breaking Bad was like,

okay, well, now I get it. I get the Southwest, and now I'm done. And I don't think of Texas as, I think of Texas as its own beast. Southern Midwest. Southern West. I think of Texas is Texas. The Southwest is like Arizona and New Mexico. That is true. That is true. But it does the fact does remain is that we are not talking about the second child.

And apparently, I found a little blind item about Kim Kardashian's reaction to it. It says, we just heard that this voluptuous star threw a major hissy fit last week. She thought that today was going to be all about her. Unfortunately, another family member also had a big event coming up, and our star was resentful that they were diverting publicity and attention away from her. She said, this is ridiculous. This is supposed to be my big day. Can't they change their date?

No, they could not. The other thing she's secretly worried about is how her popularity will measure up. She said she'd better not sell more magazines than me. God damn, what a bitch. Which I love in the interview, though. He's like, or she was saying that no one was more supportive than Kanye and Kim. And it's just like, but then where was your precious Kanye then? Miss Caitlin Jenner.

Where's your Jesus now? Right? Okay, but to be fair, nobody is ever excited as excited for the second kid as they are for the first. So that's just standard. Get used to it, Kim.

Mm-hmm. That is true. Yeah, it was supposed to be just her day and it was announced on the same day. I love it. It's just hours apart.

Yeah, just hours apart. That is pretty awesome. Caitlin was like, woo-hoo! Take that. And I read in the Daily News today that they rushed the Vogue thing. They were going to

to do it on vanity fair or vanity fair i'm sorry yeah yeah they were going to do it today but it was starting to leak out because not even the designers knew what their clothes were being used for like the the bustier that uh the boostier that she was featured in on the cover it's not a bra it's a boostie a we learn that from selina it's a bra it's a daddy it's a boostier it's a braw it's a bra and jack you've been really in a Selena. We've been talking about Selena a lot. Yeah, for a couple weeks. That's right. That's not a bum-bum.

But none of those designers knew that their clothes were going to be featured in this spread. That's pretty awesome. It's like a fun surprise for the designers. Oh, yeah. Nora. They woke up yesterday and started counting their bills. Man, they are making money. Did everybody stare at that crotch, though? I did for at least

three minutes straight. Yeah, and the one picture on the actual cover? On the actual cover? It's like, how good is the tuck? That tuck was beautiful. Well, also, like, I understand why as the magazine cover, they had, you know, her whole body. But there was something that was happening in my Twitter feed where, you know how in a Twitter feed where it just shows the little thumbnail. For some reason, the thumbnail instead of showing her face is the crotch. And I thought that that was a little bit annoying of the thumbnail.

Tacky. Yeah, exactly. Tacky for the thumbnail. Get a grow-up thumbnail. You know, like. But that's what everybody's looking at. Everybody's looking at the crotch because she openly said on the Diane Sawyer interview that she didn't want to lop off the dick just yet.

And that's, you know, completely fine. But that tuck, that's got to hurt, right, Marcus? It absolutely has to hurt. Because I've done the tuck. You know, everyone does the fun Buffalo Bill tuck sometimes. That's when you, that's when you do. I don't understand what I mean. It starts and demonstrate for us, Marcus.

It starts around the time that you, first start growing pubic hair and you're in the locker room with all of your buddies and everyone's starting to get just a tiny bit comfortable with their genitalia being out around other men. So you tuck your dick in between your legs and you press your thighs together real tight so it just looks like you got the bush. And you go, look at me. I'm a lady. Why is it named after Buffalo Bill? Because Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs.

Remember when Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs? Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me. me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what that. So we call it, you call it the Buffalo Bill. Interesting. But even that is uncomfortable. And that's only for a couple of, you know, seconds, at least until it gets awkward and your friends stop laughing. Or do you think that the dick was photoshopped out? Do you think that maybe she didn't want to have to actually go through that kind of pain, so was it just photoshopped out? But, because I stared at it

for a while. Well, you know, the other thing is that interview with Diane Sawyer was at least a year ago now? It's possible that she decided she did want surgery, although she probably was it? Was that a year ago? It was like, wasn't it like four months ago? Is that it? I think it was like just four months ago. Oh, okay, because I knew it was before that car accident thing that happened. But so I guess that that's not actually that long ago.

All right, I take it back. She probably didn't have reassignment surgery between now and then. No, definitely didn't. But I do, you bring up Photoshop. Everyone's talking about how good she looks. I wonder how much Photoshop went into these photos. No more Photoshop than any. other magazine cover.

Thank you. Everyone gets photoshopped on the cover of Vanity Fair and every other magazine. Exactly. And in the spreads as well. So I think it's probably a pretty standard amount. And to be honest, same with your privates, you know? Everybody's thighs probably get smoothed out.

You know, she probably got a little, if she got a little smoothed out, you know, everybody's privates. Well, I know smoothen, you know. But John Hamm Ham always says that too because he doesn't like everybody knowing how big of a dick he has. So they also, they do photoshopping make his dick not look as massive.

Because he refuses to wear underwear. Go for him. And they actually, on Mad Men, we did a blind item about it. They have to make his costume special. Because they have to make his pants special so he doesn't fucking hang dong all the time. I'd stare at it. Did you guys ever see that there was like a story about Idris Elba and how big his dick was? But it turned out it was just a wire going down.

It was a microphone wire going down through his pants. So everyone thought that he had like a fine. I'm fletched long. I mean, he probably does. Just in that photo, it was the liar. Yeah, exactly. And he was like, I'm flattered. However, I hate to disappoint you.

And the other thing that people are asking, of course, she's not using the generally accepted spelling of Caitlin. That's Caitlin with a K. Instead, she's going with a C. There's a reason behind that. All right. I have to stop for a second. It actually infuriates me that anyone would assume

that she would use a K at the beginning of her name. Also, Catherine is also spelled with a C. You can spell Caitlin with a C, but also she's not a Kardashian. She is not a slave under Christianer. So why would she ever want to have the K at the beginning of name? Why would you even bring up the fucking question? Obviously, it's so obvious, why would you do that?

I've known fucking 50 Caitlin's, right? We all have. It's a very popular name in our generation. I definitely know, I want to say 60-40, C and K. It's not like, you know, Jonathan spelled with a G or something. It's like a herd of. Garnethe. My Garnison, friend.

I just gagged to the thought of Jonathan. Ganty. Got a fit. Caitlin with a C is perfectly dormanty. It's just not, but of course, it's in contrast to all those fucking caves. But it's such a good fuck you. Yeah, he's sticking it to all of them. But the thing is, it's cute because it's at least the same homonym as his actual daughters.

So that's really cute to me. So it's Kendall, Kylie, Caitlin. That's adorable. I love it. Although one of the, I also heard that one of the extended people's name is Caitlin. Maybe some gender child's significant other. Oh, yeah. Brody's girlfriend is a Caitlin, so that's

a little weird, but I mean, maybe he's had this name all along. Like, he's been Caitlin for the past 60 years for all we know. I don't know. Sometimes you meet someone, you're like, and you're having a baby, and you're like, hey, I like that person's name. I might not be extremely close to them, but I like that name, so I'm going to name

my child. That doesn't necessarily have any bearing on your relationship to that person. Might just be that he heard Kaylin said, you know what? When I go for she, I'm going to go for Caitlin. Did you guys also hear the other celebrity intersectional exciting news, which was everyone started pointing out

how much Caitlin looks like Jessica Lang. I love it. And also Renee Russo. We had a lot of people on page 7's Facebook page going at it about whether was Renee Russo or Jessica Lang. Or Janice Dickinson. Oh. She's a prettier Janice Dickinson.

Prettyer Janice Dickinson, yeah. Janice Dickinson is a skeleton woman. But also Jessica Lang is a tighter, higher, tight. Jessica Lang for show. But I think it is a good observation of a solid hybrid of Renee Rousseau and Jessica Lang, which also, good for you, girl.

No one's ever going to compare me to either one of those beautiful women. And even better, Jessica Lang, when she found out, she was like, that's so awesome. I'm honored, which is so great because it's very easy to imagine another time where if you told the famous actress,

this woman who just came out as trans looks like you, that people will be like, oh, no, I don't look like man who's a woman and instead she was just like she's beautiful i'm so happy for her i'm so happy she looks like me that's awesome that's so accepting of jessica lane i'll tell you this all that plastic surgery he's been getting over the years makes a lot more sense now yes oh yeah definitely did did you watch the diane soyer interview i wasn't able to that now okay because he yeah he started transitioning in the 80s and then changed his mind because he didn't want to go through with it

because of his children and so he had a lot of work done back then which is why his face Bruce's face was a little bit off for quite some time. A long time. Yeah. And then now we see that in, what was it, Labat last year or two years ago when he had the Adams Apple shaved down and then like the longer hair. Yeah, it made so much sense because when he had the

Adams Apple shaved down, I was like there's no thing, nowhere to go here, but a transition. Yes, obviously you're transitioning. That's not a thing someone does for funsies. But what I really want to see is that Bruce Jenner was the first athlete on the front of a Wheaties box, correct? I want to see Caitlin Jenner on the front

of a Wheaties box. Holy shit. If Wheaties did that, that would be fucking awesome. Which would be brilliant for them because also who fucking eats Wheaties anymore? I'm sure you fucking eat Wheaties, you goddamn Texan-American. I fucking love Wheaties. Wheaties are amazing. Let's bring it up, but also

it's like let's bring it to this fucking generation. We should have Caitlin Jenner on the box of the Wheaties. If you put her on Wheaties, then it's going to make her less cool. I don't think so. She's on the Wheaties box for the second time as a completely different person. That's really bad. It's got to be a cooler cereal

though. What, like honeyos? The one that's $1.99? Ooh, bring back Oreo O's and put her on that. What about? Cookie Chris? Caitlin Jenner is now the speaker for cooey she can't do another

cereal without it seemed like a big fuck you to Wheaties. And Wheaties didn't do anything bad to You go to Wheaties first. If Wheaties says no, then you go for cookie crisp. Cookie Chris. Okay, all right, I'm down with that. Or I'm saying bring back Oreo O's because everyone misses that cereal. You just want that back. That's not about Taylor and yet.

Yes, I just, it's my favorite cereal and they took it off the market. Is Reese's puffs not doing it for you? No. Oh, those are good. Yeah, they're great. Get some mini-weets. Get the maple brown sugar mini-weets. They're fine. It tastes like a waffle in a bowl.

Did they make French toast crunch? Yeah, they're still making sense. Yeah, yeah, French Toast Crunch sucks. The thing is, I'm not a sugary cereal person, but I loved French Toast Crunch as a kid. Really? Really? Yeah. Like, I could eat grape nuts and shredded wheat and I'm fine.

Like, I was always a boring old person. I fucking love grape nuts. That's my favorite. I love Captain Crunch. I don't like pain. I love the pain. I love my mouth being shredded. That's why I love Skittles and I love Captain Crunch.

What, like sour Skittles? Because those will ruin you. Yum, yeah, yeah, me, give me, give me, give me, give me, give me. I like to take the blood in my mouth after I eat something. Blood and sugar, yummy. Alternate between Wheaties and Count Chocula and it evens out. Oh, that's kind of nice. Do you put sugar in your weedies, though?

Nope. Interesting. On that trial. All right. What? Okay, I've never, I don't know, to be honest, if I've ever eaten canned crutch, and I don't want to sound like an elitist. I just don't think I ever have.

Too late. You sound like an elite. I love lucky charms. I love Ries's puffs. It's not. Lucky charms. No, thank you. Oh, no.

We're judging you. My question is, why does it shred your mouth? The shape of them. It's really sharp. It has really sharp edges for no reason. But also with the milk hitting it, it doesn't really even soften the edges. It still rips your mouth open. Captain Crunch is actually made out of sugared ninja stars.

It has to be. There's got to be some type of weapon inside of the cereal. You either rips your mouth or it's a terrible sludge that you just kind of choke down. Yeah, yeah. Because it absorbs it all so it's more of a porridge by the end. And then you just pick up the bowl and just sludge it down the back of your throat. Again, it's not an elite isn't issue. I've just never been interested.

I don't know what the flavor is other than sugar corn. It's sugar corn. That's the flavor. That's what you want. And I like corn pop, so I like sugar corn. Right. It's a weird, even sweeter taste. Sharper.

Yeah, it's a sharper. It's compared like to a grueaer to. possibly. To a Gouda? A Gouda. Am I speaking on your level? Oh, don't even bring up a Bree. Don't bring up a Bree in this conversation.

Oh, now I get it. Thank you. Thank you. So I never really watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians. I've seen a few episodes, but I was reading this whole article, which really made me want to throw up. I love spectacular reality shows.

I am not above it at all. But what really upset me is that what Caitlin Jenner was saying that like her biggest push into actually like completely transitioning was the mistreatment she got from Chris Jenner on the show specifically and also in real life

is that she always sucked the money from him especially after the Kardashian Tobacco so that she used him for all of that and there was like specifically she was saying that there was an episode where she

took my ATM card away. There was an episode where she put, like where Chris Jenner, like, allowed me to have a few shelves in the garage for all my personal things. Holy shit. And, and, um, Caitlin Jenner was saying that the main thing that really pushed her into completely transitioning was when Chris Jenner was saying, I'm going to change my name back to Chris Kardashian because I don't want to be identified with you because I want to be identified with you because I want to be identified for the powerhouse man. And I guess that happened on the show, but also it was a huge turning point in reality as well.

And that's awful. That's awful for anyone to say to their significant other that like, I don't even want to have your last name anymore. Not even, I'm going to my maiden name. I'm going to my ex-husband's last name because all of the girls were getting famous. Yeah. Well, that was always the big joke about. about Bruce Jenner

in the Kardashians, like one of the running jokes was the continuing emasculation and humiliation of Chris Jenner. Of Bruce Jenner. Or Bruce Jenner. Yeah, yeah. The continuing just a constant humiliation,

constant breakdown, a beatdown that he just sat there and took. And that was always a big joke. Everyone always made the light of that. That's so awful. It really made me sad. I found Chris Jenner completely emasculating, which I think is a weird,

dangerous word to use. But I really think that it applies. lies here. What I love... After all of this, though, what I love, it's like, it's like, what... How great is it, though, that the biggest fuck you

is that after your husband transitions into a woman, he's fucking hotter than you ever fucking were, Chris Jenner, and then like all the back-to-back pictures, and like, she really is hotter than Chris Jen.

And, you know, talk about, like, a powerhouse, like, sorry, Chris Jenner, like, you know, your partner is still, powerhouse. She's just herself now. She's not any less. In fact she's more of a powerhouse. And she never fucked O.J. Simpson. So take

that, Christian. Oh my God. Caitlin's winning. Hell yeah. She fucking is. Hashtag never fucked O.J.S. Let's get that trending right now. Please. Although I don't know all those wheelings and dealings with the Chris Gennar, Chris Kardashian of the time and the Robert Kardashian

and the OJ. I've only heard about that from you guys. Yeah, yeah. Robert Kardashian was OJ Simpson's lawyer and also a lifelong friend. And if you look that one of the Kardashians is definitely OJ's daughter. Chloe. Have you guys seen that meme? Have you seen that meme? And it's like Christianer, you old ho, it's a picture of the OJ Simpson trial.

And you see OJ. and Robert Kardashian at the defense table. And Chris Jenner is in the, like in the, what do you call it? The people. The back part. The waiting area. The galling. That is what you call it.

the galley, I thought that was wrong. In the galley is Christianer, they're sitting next to Bruce. And it's like, Christian, are you old ho? How are you going to bring your new husband to your lover's trial when your ex-husband is defending him? I love it. What a bitch.

She is number one bitch of this country. And I feel like people don't really give her the proper acknowledgement as such. That's hard as shit to do. Number one bitch? Number one bitch, Christian, a number one bitch.

Who do you think is currently number one bitch? Ooh, I mean, right in this epicenter, I'm going to throw it out to Kim Kardashian, I guess, because she was so upset about her child not taking the front and center, because it literally

was, Marcus, you're completely right, people talked about it for two hours until the Caitlin Jenner photo came out for Vanity Fair. And that was it. I haven't heard fucking word one since, because nobody fucking cares. Yeah, and she's going to hold that against that child for its entire life.

Oh, yeah. Charon has pulled up the image of Bruce at the time, Chris, O.J., and Robert Kardashian, and it's a good old family photo slash everyone looks miserable. Well, it is in the middle of a murder trial. Yes, good point. The biggest, the trial of a century. It's a trial of a century. Oh, my God.

Jesus Christ. And, you know, if Kim is. currently number one bitch and she just got dethroned by Chris, I think that that's fine. Yeah, I think it's completely valid in the world that they live in. And also, if you're not getting talked about, you

have to get talked about. You have to be number one bitch. Because they're not going to be number one, you know, humanitarian. They're not going to be number one, like, best actress or neurophicist. You know, it's like, yeah, be number one bitch then. You fucking do it. You're making the money. Choose something to be number one of.

Especially because, you know, unlike Kanye has like, granted, Kanye wants to be famous as possible, which he is, but also Kanye is an artist. He's a musician, right? The Kardashians, and I'm not knocking them for this, they are really good at being famous. But that's what they do. That's their job, right? I'm not saying they don't do anything. They do something. They get famous.

So they're good at it. Right? And so Chris is really good at keeping that job, right? Like, whereas, you know, Bruce Jenner has this other, now, you know, Caitlin has this whole other thing going on. And Chris Jenner's like, I got to keep my job of being, you know, top bitch. But also that's what's so fucking, I mean, terrible, but awesome about the whole Caitlin Jenner thing,

that, like, she was famous as one of the best United States athletes that we had ever seen all across many fucking boards. And now she's famous for something completely different and completely valid and completely needed in this country. And still brave. Very, very brave. And also, that is just such the biggest fist right up Christianer's ass. And I love it so much. It's like, you motherfucker, you kept her down, you kept her down, you kept her down, you know what she's going to do?

Fuck you in the ass. Not with her fucking dick because she's tucking that shit high and tight. You know what? What Kailen said? Solid B cup up top. At least. But that was, well, the B cup, that was hor-man. She's bigger than a B.

The cup, that was the hormone treatments. Like with the hormone treatments, she got up to a solid B cup. I'm thinking she's probably a good high B, low C, no. I would say C. You'd say C? Yeah, I mean, I got C's. I know what C is look like. I got B's.

I know that she's looking. bigger than me. She's looking at sea. She's looking at sea to me. Yeah, she looks fantastic. And also what I loved about the cover is that it's not like, I found it to be very respectful. I didn't think that it was like,

obviously it's the cover of a magazine and it's this, you know, really famous person, but it didn't seem to be like, you know, freak showy at all. It didn't seem to be disrespectful. It didn't seem to be like... No, it looked like an older woman that was on the cover of of Vanity Fair. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. It's not. too sensational. It's a lovely, beautiful image.

And she looks great. Yeah. Yeah. Did you guys see the other photos too? Like the whole spread? I saw a couple other ones. Yeah. sexy. In that red dress in the car. Good God. I'm obsessed with that image. Oh, I did see that one. Yeah. It's just also another factor of like, I've never looked that good. I never will look that good. And good for fucking her, man. I can't even imagine. It's like I wish I could transition again into being a woman so that I it look that good. And like, you know, granted, a lot of things around this are probably going to be like really, there's going to be, there already has been a lot of horrible, transphobic stuff said. Fox News had a big field day with it, right? Whatever. But at the same time, this is a really big moment. Like, this super famous, as you said, athlete for being a fucking decapulon person, gold medalist, is now looking like hot as fuck as a 65-year-old woman on the front of like the most popular fashion magazine. and it's just, it's like, it's a very noteworthy occasion. I just really want

her to fuck Helen Mirren. Is that too much to ask? It's like Helen Mirren still looks fucking insane for her age. Or maybe a Jane Fonda. I've talked about Grace and Frankie. Jane Fonda, ooh, high and tight. She looks great. She looks so good.

I would do anything to look like Jane Fonda. I'll never, never, never look like, I ain't got Bons of Steel. No. You can rent those VHS tapes. Oh, I'll get the tapes, but I ain't got some steel. You know what I mean? I'm going to have to get my ass plated. I don't want that.

Steel-plated buns. Steel-plated buns. But it is, sometimes when I watch Grace and Frankie, I think that Jane Fonda at 70 is significantly hotter than I'll ever be. She's actually 78. Jesus Christ. No. 78 years.

You're fucking with me. No, that makes sense. Right, Marcus? Yeah, you got to be old if you want to be part of the Viet Cong. Whoa. Whoa. What? She went there. Anoy Jane.

How soon we forget our traitors. No. Has it been that soon? Is that a traitor? Who weren't supposed to be in that war? We weren't supposed to be there. 70 fucking 8? Kill me.

Wait, what's Hanoi Jane? She went over to Vietnam to protest, looking hot as fuck. Go for hot. Did she fucking those marshes, though? I've seen the marshes. I know what happens. I watch Farr's Gump. I know what fucking happens.

That's why she was there. The protesting was secondary. That's sexy. I want a marsh fuck. I think that's something I'm really missing in my life. I want like really swamp shit to get up inside of my vagina while I have hard sex. Not with a Viet Cong member. Oh, I was about to say, can we film Viet Cong Gang Bang?

Starring Jackie Zabrowski? Please. Can we be called Fulbing? Amen. Yes. Thank you. All right.

I love it. I'd rather be fucking U.S. soldiers. Of course. Obviously, I wanted to be pro-American. Well, if we know anything about Vietnam

and the Vietnam War is about fucking American soldiers. Yeah. It's completely appropriate. Yeah. And they're hot broads that come to visit them. Oh, Misal honi.

Mishol. I'm sorry, Molly. I'm sorry. It's the portion of the show where I just usually step out. It's been a long time since you've washed your hands. Yeah, oh yeah, I've washed my hands of what they're saying. That too. Although I'm still fucking knocked over with a feather about Jane Fonda being 78.

Jesus Christ. Man. She looks so fucking good. I mean, her waist is as tight. and small as Dolly Parton's waist, and she didn't have any ribs removed. She's definitely a work done. That was what I was going to ask.

How much work has she had done? I think she's had an appropriate amount of work done. A tasteful amount of work done. She still looks old. She does. She definitely does. But girl, great. I mean...

Just the right amount of tightness. Yeah, yeah. Same with Lily Tom. She looks like right now she looks like a solid 63. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Has Lillie Tamlin had worked out?

Oh, yeah. You see how tired her fucking faces? It looks great. Tight. But she's always had those high cheekbones. She definitely has. She is a squinty one. Yes. So that's why I feel like you have to use the face work towards what your face actually is.

She always had that face structure. They just made a little bit tighter. And that's fine. But she's also never really been all that cute either. She's got an interesting face, but... Have you ever seen any... She's striking enough to... for us to look at her on television.

Striking. She's a striking woman. She's got an interesting face. Have you ever seen any of her one woman shows, though? No. I would say you watch her character work, and you will want to fuck the shit out of her. At least eight of those characters you'll want to fuck. Usually half of them are aliens or some sort of

otherworldly characters. But she is so strong. I have got a new fantasy. A nine to five porn? A nine to five fucking origin. Okay. Oh! Okay.

Okay. I can't perform in anything. You did that, Jackie. You created that. I did that. I did it. Ooh, Lily Tomlin, Dolly Parton, and Jane Fonda.

Yes, please. Yes, please. Yes, but you want them in their 70s? Is this like a retro thing? Do you see the cruel intentions re-kiss? Yes, I did see that. No. I mean, it's shift gears real fast.

With Ryan Philippe and the... No, no, no. It's Sarah Michelle Geller and Blair. What's her face? Blair or something. The one that no one cares. Selma Blair. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also what's the other one? The three-way kiss? It was a three. With Reese Witherspoon. Yeah, that's who I said. So it was the three of them just very recently. They were, like, they were at some place together, and they decided to redo, like, three-way hot.

It's like, I remember. I remember. I was like, yeah, there was a three-way kiss in that movie. I fucking remember. I fucking remember. I fucking remember. I mean how many, I can't even count on two hands. I mean, I was a masturbated to that movie.

And they did, re-did it. I mean, they're all older now. But I was just like, yeah, you go, girls, you kiss. I mean, Reese Witherspoon's still fucking hot. I think Reese Witherspoon looks better now than she did then. You know, I'll agree with that. I would also agree with that. It's because she doesn't have Ryan Phillie be fucking hanging her down.

Well, the thing is, no, well, back then she had trapped him. She got pregnant after he was like, oh, we're not. interested in getting married. Trapped. We're not rushing into that. And then the next thing, interview you saw, we're getting married.

Trapped. Ooh, I never knew that back end of it. Oh, and he had that ugly fucking fro. Yeah, that Ryan Phillips is so ugly. I fucking loved the shit out of Ryan Phillip. He thought he was so hot,

but that's because he looked like Justin Timberlake and that's what I was all about all time. He had the hair. He was a poor man's Justin Timberlake. I thought that they were equally hot and just kind of resembled each other. All right. I guess I'll take that.

Because, to be fair, Ryan Philippe had his moment of fame where... He was smoldering. He was more famous than she was at that time. Yes, but he was also so brooding that I wasn't into it. Like, Justin Timberlake, like, I loved them more of a showman. You know, I was just like, I was more into that. I mean, let's be fair, I was a Lance Bass girl.

Everyone knows I've loved days since the beginning of fucking time, and I was a Lance Bass girl. And now it makes so much fucking sense in my life. Same. You know, as far as the blonde curly hair top goes, late 90s, who wore it better? I'm going to say Ryan Philippi. Whoa. I'm going to say he wore it better. It looked natural in Ryan Philippi.

Ryan Philippi never looked like ramen noodles. Well, he never jelled it out of proportion. Yeah. Well, and, I mean, I'll love to JT now, but JT and Insink was a fucking... Nightmare. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was a puppet.

Remember the puppet? Oh, I'll remember the puppet. He was definitely a puppet, and now he's his own man. And now he has a conk. Yes, and now he's got a child. Oh, yeah. Is that his conk? What is it like conk?

Like a conch? Like a conch show? Like in Lord of the Flies? Like Piggy. Yeah. Piggy is the conk. Like Piggy as the conk, right? Yeah. Are you talking about William Golding?

I'm talking about his hair. Oh. He went from having a weird afro to having what's called the conchaleme, a aka that's when dudes back in like, I don't know, Duke Ellington's time would straighten their hair with like just straight up lye and potatoes. And that's what Justin Timberlake's hair looks like to me. Interesting. Like he just has a conk.

Like think about, um. like a cab Callaway type and what their hair looked like. Okay. Yeah. Get the kinks out of it. Yeah, exactly. Interesting.

Like went from Afro to a conk. Where it kind of looks like a field that being plowed, but sort of uneven. Just straight, like unnaturally straight on a person who obviously does not have straight hair.

I don't even know what JT looks like right now. I've been trying to figure out his hair and I was like, the person who does his relaxers at the same person who did Chris Kirkpatrick's box braids back in the day? I've really been wondering about it for a while. Have you seen a picture of Chris Kirkpatrick lately?

I have. Yuck. Well, I mean, Chris Kirkpatrick. He was never pretty. Yeah, I was going to say always. He was never good looking. But he is rough now. He's worse than Joey fat one.

Well, don't you. I mean, he's got all this fucking food shows. He's got rewrapped. You know, I tried to go on one of his cooking shows. I got real close in the process. Was it rewrapped? No, it was, um, My family recipe rocks

Where Joey Fatone comes to your house And cooks your family recipes with you Oh my God If you ever get on that show I will host a viewing party for it Because that sounds great I've got to try again Because I got really far in the process

And then he just wasn't coming back to New York That season So I got sad Well here's a picture of Chris Kirkpatrick At the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel In Hollywood Florida That's where he lives There you go, the man

At least he doesn't have the dreads anymore He's got, I mean, that's the dreads back of the day. Sacial hair, though. Yeah, but yeah, he has kept the horrible pubic chin. Pubic chin, double chin, no dreads, that's fine. He's got a lepracon beard. He does have a faith in Begora. And he's always wearing white.

Yeah, and necklaces. Yeah, he always wore those weird ball chains, like from Clairs or Hot Topic. Yeah, exactly. I mean, I wore those for a few years. Same. And no problem with necklaces or boys in necklaces. but don't wear the same Claire's... I've robbed them boys and necklaces.

Yeah? Yeah, I think I do. Yeah. Unless it's like you're an Italian stallion and you got the gold chains, you got the Italian horn, I'm down with that. Other than that, I don't really dig boys and necklaces. Yeah, I wear necklaces in high school, but you know what? It was 2000. Were they pukeshells and ball chains and things?

Yeah, ball chains. Yeah, yeah, ball chains. Spikes. A lot of spikes. Oh, yeah, lots of spikes. I was a spike boy. I loved my spikes. Dog collar, boy.

No, not dog collar. Just spikes. Wrists. I had the spikes on the wrist. I used to wear a really tight choker that was like a black twine and in the center it had like a crystal. And it didn't look good on a little fat girl. Especially because I have a really tiny head. So really made it show how tiny my head was and how fat my fucking body was.

But I wore it. I'm telling you six years. Oh, my God. Did it look like someone had like screwed your head on and that was the... And that was the front of it. Yeah. Like that, are you afraid of the dark episode? Is that what it is?

Or is it a horror book where you take off the necklace and your head falls off? No, it's the red scarf. From all of it. Yeah. Yeah, that's a real old one. It's like an urban legend. I thought that I was referencing something specific. No, but I'm sure that there was an...

Are you afraid of the dark episode about it? No, you're right. It's just like a... It's like a old-time scale. Like the woman that wore the scarf and she wore the scarf because her head was an attack to a body. I apologize for mistaking a commonly told ghost story with a particular episode.

It's everywhere though. I mean, I'm sure that there was an episode about it. It was probably that. It was probably a goosebumps bug. It was probably an eerie Indiana. Well, another celebrity story that definitely got overshadowed this week, the screech verdict. Oh, yeah.

Oh, I didn't even hear about it. That motherfucker was guilty. Guilty. Guilty. He stabbed him. Guilty. He stabbed him. He stabbed the shit out of that guy.

Guilty, but not of a felony. How? They got it bumped down to a couple of misdemeanors. That guy lived, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. It was as far as the screech murders. Yeah, right?

As far as stabbings go, it was a Wisconsin bar fight stabbing. I think it was more of a nick than a stab. In that case, then, you know, that's a, Wisconsin Bar Fight Stabbing should be a classified misdemeanor. He's guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and disorderly conduct. He's facing up to nine months in prison, but Screech ain't going to jail. We know Screech ain't going to jail. Not for nine months, no.

No, no, no, no. He might do it a month in county. Yeah. But you know what? That'll be a wacky month in county. Oh, my God. They're going to have so many misadventures. Say by the bell.

The newest class. Prison class. Saved by the bell. Hard time. Wabashaw County lockup I watch it They would probably fucking have to put

Screech in like the protective unit where they put all the cops who kill people Because otherwise People And the pedophiles Right because people

Would probably beat up Screech yeah Or unless they just think He's really cool Like that's like Oh shit screech Stop somebody Oh

They all become Pee B.B. Herman They all they're like You want some weed And then they just hook him up That would be fun. See, that's fun. Yeah, that would be fun.

Like, people in prison take care of Screech. I'd watch that show. Yeah, and watch that as well. But, yeah, he's probably, he's going away for just a little bit. But he looks barely pleased coming out of the court. He looks vindicated. Yeah, he does. He looks old as shit.

Well, yeah, he's in his 40s, mid-40s, and Screech hasn't lived the good life. And Screech also never looked great. Let's remember that. That is also true. He's holding his head up high, though. I've never watched the screech porns, though. No. It's not him. What?

It's a stunt cock. No. Yes. It's a stunt cock. Wait, but his face and a stunt cock? Yes, his face and a stunt cock. And he is admitted completely that it's... Is that in his book?

Yes. I think it was in his book or someone asked him about it. He was like, yeah, of course it's a stunt cock. Wait, when we say stunt cock, is it like a cutaway and then a new cock, or is it him and a strap on? It's a cutaway and a new cock. It's like it shows him pumping and grinding. but it only shows Like it's like soft core porn when it screech his face

But then when you show like the cock Fucking penetrating That's the stunk cock at somebody else That means his cock is too small Mm-hmm sure does Or it's a weird color Yeah Oh yeah

Oh yeah Oh ew Oh don't talk shit about weird colored Cocks all right Some of us can't help it You got a silver gray cock Do you have a pewter cock? It's more

It's Robin's Egg Blue More of a copper I didn't know I didn't know he was so sensitive about weird colored gau I wouldn't say I'm sensitive I'm just saying I'm gonna defend it All right fair enough fair enough

But you know he's got a real weird colored cock Because it got cut off as John Wayne Bobbitt He was in his own porno You remember Frankenweeney Or no they didn't call it Frankenweeney Because that was a Tim Burton movie Bit off Chopped off and thrown out the window

Yeah Lorena Bobbitt Chopped off his cock, was driving down the road, threw it off into a field. They recovered it. They sewed it back on. And years later, John Wayne Bobbitt starred in a porno. I think it was called pranking cock. Wait, they found the cock and reattached it? Yeah.

Holy shit. I would want a new cock. I don't want a field cock. I mean, can they get donor penises? Can they make that tissue work? Well, if they can pop it back on him, he says that he slept with 70 women since she lopped it off. And it was called... I think that's the morbid curiosity of women more so than his prowess.

Yes. Yeah, yeah. Well, he actually admits it. He said some women get a kick out of saying they slept with John Wayne Bobbitt. Well, he doesn't, yeah, he doesn't claim that it's due to his own prowess. He probably thinks that getting his dick cut off was the best thing that ever happened to him. My question is, can he still feel it and come? Because otherwise, I was about not having a cock myself, I was about to say, just give me a fucking prosthetic cock.

And then I didn't realize you wouldn't be able to feel it. Yeah. He said, the doctor. told me I would never be able to have sex again because my injuries were so bad but I proved them wrong time and time again. But again that doesn't mean that he's able to come

it just means he's able to have sex. Yeah, getting hard and erection. I doubt that he can have children I'm sure his Vos de Frans have been served. Oh, the Vos Daphrons. But I wonder if he can feel it and have fun because it would be sad if he was like, I get hard, I get hard

for everybody. But he doesn't actually enjoy it. That's exactly. exactly what his voice sounds like. I'll fucking prove it to you right now. I'll fuck everyone in here. And then he whips out his weird colored artificial cot. He said, I was fried the first tumble in the hay is what he calls it. He says, I was frightened it wouldn't work and my penis wasn't 100% but we did okay.

Someone named John Wayne would say tumble in the hay. Oh, yeah. Well, there's plenty of weird John Wayne's, the John Wayne Gacy. But also you say it went okay. that means you didn't come. Right. No one came. No one came.

No one came. Nobody came. Nobody came. He's writing a book, and the book includes accounts of penis chopping attacks that occurred more than a century before his own, as well as copycat attacks that took place afterwards.

Poor John Wade Bob. I'm going to read that fucking book. Of course you are. Of course you are. Here are all these other cases. I'm not the ones. I'm part of a long legacy. He said, obviously, I would have preferred not to go through all the pain and suffering.

But being famous from a penis has given me opportunities I could not ever have imagined, including starring in John Wayne Bobbitt uncunt, uncunt, uncunt, and Franken penis. That's the name. It's a lot more formal than Frankenweeney. Yeah, or Frankencock. Right, right. Oh, Frankencock is fun, though. Yeah, FrankenCut.

What about Franken Shaf. That just sounds German as half. Frankenchaft. It is my real name. Why are you laughing? Fronkenchoft. Well, Schaft. What does that mean?

It means... Does it mean penis? The second and third person, singular present indicative of Chauvin, which means to smooth with a plane. Well, and that kind of, yes, to plane. That works. To smooth with the plane. Sowing your oats. Yes, here's how it sounds.

Schaffent. Oh, yeah. Honkin chaffin. Schaffent. This is so educational. Yeah, well, that's what we do here in page seven. We're very educated. I'm glad I stuck around.

We educate people. All right, time for the list. Oh,'s on the list. Yeah, got to have that list. Celebrity wines. Wines or wines? Wine. W.

W. Like a whining about it? No, like, I got a house out in Napa and I make a wine. Okay. Jackie doesn't like it. I'll never drink their wine. Will you drink Dave Matthew's wine called? Especially not.

It's called Dreaming Tree. Ew. I hate that. Jackie might say, next. Yeah. You've got next it. Drew Barrymore has one. What?

It's a Pino Gris. Is it a fire starter? It's called Drew Barrymore's Pinogrigio. Shut up. You shut up right now. What a fucking idiot. Get the fuck out. I hate Drew Barrymore now.

Yeah, she was away until now. Was it first kiss? You can just picture her being. Never been kissed. Never been kissed. That was all of her movies in one. Yes. I was forced to watch that one.

I like never been kissed. That movie is cute. Yeah, it's cute. Because her boyfriend was an alias and he was here. Except it's also deeply an approach. that he's a teacher and she's pretending to be a student and he's like I want to fuck you yeah but how fucking a hot is hot but inappropriate he knew deep down in his heart he knew she definitely was a fucking 16 years old I got to say I mean come on well I knew that I mean but you know neither was Matthew Lillard or skeet all right oh man scream yeah those guys weren't 16 you know they were sexy yeah you just named two of my sex icons from sixth grade yeah Yeah, but don't forget It's got sex icon

Yeah, but let's, I mean, come on, Molly Let's not pretend that that list also includes What's his name? Jamie Kennedy I know, I know She, she Brandy Oh

Molly wanted to bone Jamie Kennedy And we'll never Forget it Never gonna forget Never gonna live Never, never gonna forget it Yeah, you remember

But that's okay. Joey Fatone was my sexual awakening, so it's okay. There you go. I had Lance Best. Yeah, we all had one. We were all wrong. We were all wrong. I don't know if I'll talk about.

Mine was Mariah Carey. Well, she... You remember Infinity, though? You were in Infinity. How do you feel about her now? I do not like Infinity. I do not enjoy Infinity. That's why I will always picture her riding a roller coaster going...

You guys are welcome. The band train. They have a line. Wait, is it drops to Jupiter? Drops to Jupiter, California, Red. Is it really gold drop to Jupiter? Good job, Jackie. It's Jupiter in our head.

This is so musical. It's every episode. We just love to sing. We do sing a lot. They sing mostly. Nikki Minaj has one. Mix, right? Mix,

Miscato. The reviewer said that it tastes like Sprite. No one likes a mascato. Black people love moscato. Really? Yes. I didn't know that. That explains the big picture of Nikki Minaj in my neighborhood's liquor store.

Ah, that's why. I'll drink Nikki Minaj's moscato. I will. I'm going to get it later. It's just too fruity for me. I don't even know what a mosquito is. It's a very sweet-ass wine. It's like sprague.

Yeah. It tastes like Sprite because it's a mosquito, I think. It's a sweet, but it's not carbonated, so it's flat, Sprite. I mean, there are some sparkling mosquitoes as well. Yes, I'm sure. Oh, I'm sure. Do any of you guys know with Lisa Vanderpump? Yes.

She's got one called LVP Pink Sangria. Someone brought that to an event I had once. Really? How was it? I did not drink it. Out of choice or out of lack of opportunity? Lack of opportunity. I just never got to that bottle,

but I was like, this is really happening in real life. That's odd. Christina Milan also has a moscato. She calls it Viva Diva. Oh, it's a good name, though. Because it rhymes, everybody. So you know it must be a good wine as a good name.

And then finally, Bethany Frankel. What an idiot bitch. Is it just like a skinny girl wine? I'm too tiny to drink wine. Who is Bethany Frankel? She's a run of the real housewives, but she created the whole, like, skinny line. So it's like, we can have skinny vibe?

Can you have skinny tequila? I don't want skinny anything. I also, I went to go see the view, and I got a whole Bethany Frankel's recipe book, and everything in it made me want to fucking throw up. Yeah, look, I'm horrified over here. I tried the, um, the skinny. Girl Margarita once and it's disgusting.

It was like, take a bunch of corn. Put a bunch of skinny girls sour cream on it. It's like, that's not a recipe. And just because you say it's skinny girl and take all fucking fat out of it doesn't mean it's sour cream anymore. That's not what sour cream is. Oh, Trane actually has two wines.

The other one's called Call and All Angels Chardonnay. Oh my God. I love Trin. I used to be a huge train fan. My aunt is like the biggest train fan in the world. I don't know why. There should have this. Well, I am on bar with her, and I agree with her.

I still do it every once in a while. Throw on a train album. I'll throw on a fucking Snow Patrol album. I ain't not ashamed to say it. I'm ashamed to say it. I'm completely ashamed to say it. Me and my best friend, we do drops of Jupiter at karaoke together. We like serenade each other because it's our song.

It's so good. It's not at all. It's fun. It's fun. I'll give them that. Train's got something going for them. I do. And unfortunately, that's all we have for today.

No blind items. Blind items really been sucking butt lately. Man, I feel like that really, the paparazzi really isn't doing good enough. No, they're really not harassing people enough. But, you know, I mean, really with blind items, Caitlin Jenner basically, like, the Kool-Aid guy just kicked through the wall and came out. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. It's like, she's the ultimate, like, everybody's been whispering about me. Can we please call her the Kool-Kool-Lade guy? Girl. Sure. I think that's all right. Cool aid lady. Cool aid lady.

Oh yeah. She's busting through the wall, you know. Hell yeah, man. Love her. Can't see that dick. Everybody look out for it. All right. Well, I guess we're fucking out of here today, man.

My name is Jackie Zabrowski. My name is Molly Neffel. I'm Marcus Parks. Go buy the cowmen's new album at the cowmen. com. It's fucking awesome. And also, thank you so much, Trump Hall for being here today.

Oh, thanks for keeping me. Hell yeah. We've fucking held you in here. Like a goddamn beautiful present. Oh, that's me. No. Don't be scared. She's never going to be left free.

That's mine of proud life. Heil. Heil. Welcome in. All right. We've got to go. Hi. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedy radio.com.