Page 7 - Episode 133: The Devil Needs To Sneeze

Episode Date: August 27, 2015

It's a catch up week here on Page Seven as we cover the Duggar Ashley Madison scandal, the Jared Fogle scandal, and Rosie O'Donnel's missing daughter. Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

That's why the sequel will be, let's talk about Molly. Let's talk about Molly. Why is she so slimy? Let's talk about Molly. I think she's becoming a slime bug. My name is Jackie Zabrowski. My name is Molly Slimebug, Nuffalo. I'm Marcus Parks.

How's everyone today? I couldn't think of the word slug. I wanted to say slug. Not slime bug, but I said slime bug, it's in a slug. No, no, no, slime bug's much more descriptive. I think so. And I never realized it's a truncated word. Is that?

Slumbug. Is that why it's a slug? I mean, it's, I just like saying truncated. It's a bug. It's a slum. Is it a bug? Is it? Marcus?

No, actually not. It's a mollusk. Ew. Like a scallop. Yeah. Or an oyster. Oyster. Oh, I never realized they were all in the same genus.

Wow, that really makes me never, ever want to eat an oyster. Yeah. I love oysters. Me too. It's just a slug living in a shell. You never had escargo? No. No.

It's too, it makes me think of mucus. Escargo is a little chewy for my taste. I mean, I'll do calamari. That's too chewy. Give me, I'll take an octopus or a squid. Calamari's too chewy. I love the chewy, but don't get the bad kind because it's made out of pig anus. No, I don't know why you're all.

always down on pig anus. Man, I think about it every time. Yeah, that is bad news. But man, sometimes pig anus is really fucking tasty. You dip it in a good sauce or some kind of juice. You know, or maybe, yeah, like a cucumber.

Cucamba dipping sauce. That's what I ate last night. A Thai cucumber dipping sauce. With a calamari. Really? Yeah. Thai food. I've never heard of calamari with anything but

marinara sauce. Well, I think that's the Italian. version of Halloween. Well, Molly mentioned bad news. We missed last week. We missed a lot of news. We missed a fucking lot. Because Molly was fucking out in the sun having her hullabaloo.

You all went to the gunks. Yeah. Yeah, but we didn't come back all freckled. Yeah, you got freckles. This is as close as I come to a tan. You look great. I love that you have a cut-off shirt on. I just realize you copy my style.

I am. I'm inspired by your style. I've never seen you with a cut-off shirt like that. I just made it this year. Whoa. Just made it. Mine come like this. Especially this Bob Marley shirt. It makes you look like I'm fucking 18 years old.

Yes. As soon as Jackie puts on a t-shirt, the sleeves automatically fall off. They get scared. See, she has these acid glands around her shoulders and underarms that just automatically burn off these sleeves. And it's all my vicious muscles, too. Well, you make it work, though, because I've never met anybody who can rock a cut off. shirt quite like you. Thank you so much. I don't know, Molly, you're coming to a close

second. Yes. So what should we start with? Oh. Why don't we start with Mr. Dugger? Yeah. I mean, I know it is a little hitting the baby beluga over the head, but I do want at least to talk about it a little bit. Of course, we got to catch up. Yeah, we got to catch up. Just a little bit, of course, the Ashley Madison League happened last week and it was discovered that Josh Dugger, formerly of pedophile fame, and formerly before that, of 19 and counting? Yeah. Am I correct on that?

19 and counting, the oldest son of 19 and counting, came out that Josh Dugger was a member of Ashley Madison, which is a well-known spousal cheating site. We were just talking about this outside. Using Ashley Madison is the dumbest thing you could do. If you can't even cheat on your wife properly or on your husband, and you have to go online to a website that means you're really undesirable goods.

That's really fucking sad. Yeah, I feel like, I don't know, I feel like people do not have a hard time fucking each other. You could just fall into, like my vagina could just fall on top of a dick and just like slurp it up. Like it's a sponge.

Like it's a mollusk. And it just take over a dick and all of a sudden we just fucked. But we also discussed outside that most, of the users of Ashley Madison, well, they might be scummy or unable to, you know,

fuck people and cheat on people without the internet, don't deserve to have their private dalliances aired and have their lives ruined. Josh Dugger on the other hand. Unless they're Josh Dugger. Josh Dugger is a public, moralizing, judgmental

piece of shit. Brick! Who talks about everybody else's sex lives. So he gets his own sex life subject to scrutiny. Yeah. But did you see that as wife said that most of it was her fault. That is the word. That stabs me in the heart when you say.

Really? By what I just saying she didn't fuck him enough or something like that? I forget what was the phrase? That she was like left him wasn't a fulfilling wife. Yeah, it was an unfulfilling wife. Which is of course a euphemism for not fucking him enough

and probably also not cleaning enough. Yeah, but she's got those kids. She's popping him out. Yeah. I mean, it's his, I mean, what is he thinking? What do you think you're going to fucking make a pregnant woman all the time?

You're going to fuck her all the time? I'm not going to want fuck all the time. That's the thing. I think you have to take a break for like six weeks after you have a kid. At least afterwards, yeah. Yeah, this is what his statement was. He said, I have been the biggest hypocrite ever. While espousing faith in family values,

I have secretly, over the last several years, been viewing pornography on the internet. It wasn't just viewing pornography, too. And this became a secret addiction, and I became unfaithful and unfaithful to my wife. And I think his parents That also said, well, like now Josh has been forgiven by God Because he confessed.

You can't just so it's like, all right, so he fucking confessed Rubbing on his fucking little sisters. But you know what? He confessed. And now God's like, no man, you cool. You can fuck all these kids in heaven. Please come on up. I got all these fucking hot, rosy-cheeked cherubs

that you can fucking rub all your genitalia on their fucking faces. And they can fly away. if they want, but not if you hold down their wings. And then he's fucking doing all this shit. And all he has to do is say, oh, I'm sorry. And then that's it. Sorry again. Yeah, sorry again.

And then everyone forgives him, or at least all of his fans forgive him. It's no skin off his ass. This man's fucking Teflon. As far as the people that follow this lifestyle, of course, if it's their own spouse, they're not going to fucking put up with that bullshit. But if it's their hero, then, of course, like, oh, yes, we can forgive them because they have no emotional attachment to them whatsoever. You can say like, oh yes, that is the healing power of God.

That is the forgiveness of God that will allow these people to stick together through and through. But let me tell you this, I bet if Josh Dugger wasn't a worldwide television star and moralist, do you think his fucking wife would stick with him through this bullshit? No. No. But since they're both public figures, she has to stick with him. She has. She's stuck.

Unless the only way that she might is if she's so indoctrine. with a religion that like, you know, I can't. Like, because it seems like she's internalized this, like, I have to be a faithful servant to the man thing, like so much. Well, I think she was brainwashed from birth. I mean, I know you guys never really watch a show. But this girl, the second you meet her on the show, she talks like this, and she has been browbeaten her entire life

into knowing that she was made to be a wife and a mother. And like the, she doesn't have any of her own opinion. And I know it's a reality show. I know they can show what they want. But this girl is meek. She was fucking put into a fucking baby-making box. And that is her life. And now she's fucked.

Yeah. Now she's just... Because she has to stay with this asshole. She has to. Yeah. Because also, she's damaged goods in the eyes of all the other fucking Christian bullshit. That's exactly right. And what if she had cheated and not him?

She would probably be... Be stoned to death. Yeah, exactly. I think you still do that. Well, that's the thing about. evangelical religion is that the men can be forgiven for any sin whatsoever but the women are harlots they are unfaithful they're outcasts they're shun by the entire community that's the double standard of the evangelicals one of the many problems that they have also did you notice

that in a statement he says i became unfaithful to my wife like i like i it's such a passive statement like oops and then i found myself on a boat like a pocumolus that was whoops there was a breaking me and I realized I'd been being unfaithful for several years. I've been fucking these hot, young, tight girls. Oh no. Whoops. Yep, it's a whoopsie doodle.

He didn't pull out the like, oh, I was raped by them. I'm waiting for that. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I was raped by the women, the siren songs. Of course, he's already blaming pornography. He's already blaming it's like, it began with pornography. And as I viewed more and more

pornography, I felt the urge to cheat, which I had to do, because The pornography made me do it. Man, he should have just watched it with his wife. Yeah. And maybe it wouldn't have been fucking fucking all those girls. Mm-hmm. Come on, babe.

Let's fucking watch it. Let's have a good time. That's what happens when he starts watching porn really young. You know, it's great. Mm-hmm. It doesn't make me fuck other people. Yeah, and also, this is also what happens when you tell children that, like, their hard penises are the devil trying to come out of them. That's true.

Yeah, but maybe the devil just needs a sneeze on you. A hard penis is what the devil just needs to sneeze. Just like what you got to sneeze. Don't hold it in. You got to let it out. Come on, little sister. I need you to blow my nose for me. I'm sorry.

Okay. What's up next? Let's say Kaylin Jenner manslaughter charges? Yeah. I mean, are we going to bring up Subway Jared in his pants? That's going to come. That's going to come. Oh, you already came.

Wait. Whoa! It just, it just, oh! It is on fire. You can't even wait. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm a little bit worried to find out. I don't know what's up with the Caitlin Jenner Man Charger. Okay, let's get into this. Yeah, yeah. But it's supposed that she was texting in her car while driving and that it is very likely that the wreck that killed people is her fault. So it is also very likely that she could be charged with manslaughter in the very near future.

I feel like she's going to have the best lawyers of all time with all of her money that no matter what, and I know this is terrible, they're going to spin it into a way of her being put up on a fucking cross being like, oh no, it's her fault because she used to be a man. Don't you think it's going to come down to that? Wait, you think she's going to be exonerated or she's going to be smeared? That she'll be, that she'll, that her lawyers,

will say that the reason why they're going after her from the manslaughter charges is because... Nah, that ain't gonna fly. You don't think so? No, that ain't gonna fly. I think that it'll be fame before gender, right? Yeah, yeah, that's stretching it. That's stretching it just a little bit.

But that's not gonna work because these charges were in the works long before... Before she transitioned. Yeah, before the transition, before Caitlin. It's Bruce. And she can't say, no, I'm not Bruce anymore. I'm Caitlin.

It was Bruce the killer. Those people can't do that. So he was texting. He was texting. But like that was back in the day. How long ago was this? Oh man. Not even.

Not even. Let me look exactly to see when it happened. See, I thought this was very recent. February. Oh, okay. And she came out in April or something. Yeah, so it was right or like in the middle of the transition. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, she rear-ended Alexis, which pushed it into oncoming traffic where she was killed after her car was hit by a Hummer. One woman was killed? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the stepchildren sued Jenner for wrongful death in... Wait, Jenner was driving the Hummer?

No, Jenner was driving... The Hummer... See, what happened is that she rear-ended a car. And when she reared into the car... It's my biggest fear of driving. That's something that will rear-end me. Yeah, when she rear into the car, the car was pushed into the intersection.

They were at a red light, and a Hummer came through and plowed into the car, which killed the passenger almost instantly. And they're being sued, and now Jenner's being sued by that woman's stepchildren. So is it, there's a civil lawsuit, but are there criminal, like, are there actual manslaughter charges yet? There's a criminal investigation ongoing.

Gotcha. And, but it's also, it's possible that the Prius behind Jenner started it, but they don't really know yet, but the criminal investigation is underway as we speak. So it's very possible that Bruce killed somebody, or at least contributed to the death. I just wish it was like in a bar fight. Yeah, that would have been so much sexier, wouldn't it?

Yeah, like you hear like manslaughter, like, man, what the fuck did she do, man? Yeah, but did it make Screech any sexier when he got into that barfights? Well, it was creaches beyond hope, though. That's the thing. Like, he was never... Hainlander is in a renaissance of her life right now. Cately Jenner is like, you know, like really living for the first time.

Yes. Screech has been not living for a while. Yeah, he's in the doldrums. Boy, let me say this much, man. Say what you will about Caitlin Jenner, but I don't know about YouTube, but I've seen so many more middle-aged, like, transit men now wearing women's clothing. Just loving life on the streets in New York City. Yes, definitely. I definitely have.

Especially on the trains. Like, you just see like a guy walking around in like full head to toe. You're like, I know that is a man, but go for it, man. And just fucking have, just having the time of their lives. You've noticed it more since Caitlin came out? Absolutely. Interesting. I just think our eyes are open to it a lot more.

I guess I never really thought about it. I never thought about it in a way that, like, I'm down for whatever. Like, I just never really thought about it. I don't know. I've got pretty good trans dar. Is that a thing? I don't know. If gay dars a thing, is transdar a thing?

We both look to you though, Molly, so. It's like, is it okay for me to even say that? Can we say transdar? No, I don't know if it is. I don't know. You say gaydar? Yeah, people say gay dar. I don't know if that's, I mean, you do say it, but I don't know if it's like the best thing to say.

Because it's a little bit, the only reason being it kind of relies on stereotypes, right? Like everybody of my entire life always assumed I was gay, no matter how relentlessly I like boys because of, Certain stereotypes. Yeah, right? Yeah, but I never looked at you and my gator never went off. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. See, that's post-ed.

See, I think gator and playing on stereotypes are two very different things. Interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because, like, say, our friend, Kellan, Kellyn is not stereotypically gay, but your gaitar does go, when you first meet Kellynne.

Because he's not kissing me. I don't think... And all men kiss me. That's the only difference. Well, I don't know. I don't know what the most respectful thing to do in terms of trans people is. You know, trans people, I was actually watching IMK last night on E. I hadn't watched E in years, except for to watch Old Sex and the City reruns.

But, you know, they were talking about how it's such a diverse community, depending on when you transition, because some people transition when they're like 55, and, you know, they've gone through male puberty, and so they've got male hormones and all of that. And then some people, like, there's a very famous trans woman who has a TV show named Janet Mock, and she transitioned like illegally basically by getting pills when she was like 14. So she never went through male puberty. So it's just an interesting, you know, it's a, you know, the trans community contains vast multitudes. And, you know, Bruce Jenner didn't, you know, was Bruce Jenner until he was 55, 60, and now she's Caitlin.

And so I don't know whether she's taking hormones or not. But it's just, you know, it's a vast array. that's a rainbow. Yeah. Which, by the way, I did see the episode about Miranda's mother and I did want to let you know. In season six?

Season four. Of sex in the city, for those of you who don't know. That the name Miranda doesn't immediately set off the bells in your head. Oh, what kind of bells do you have then? I just finished

season four of Sex and the City and I cried through half of it And I just, I couldn't wait to talk to you about it. Yeah. My problem is that I have a hard time remembering what happens in each season. They don't want to give anything away to our listeners out there. I think the spoiler alerts are off the table. Are they off the table?

Are they off the table? For sex in the city? I think they're off the, I think so. For a show from the mid-90s? But I'm also telling everybody to watch the show. Yeah, but what if I watch it? All right. What if I, what if I get around to it?

I don't know. I will have to say, season four is the best fucking season I've seen. Yes. Four, five, and six, blow the other ones out of the water. Oh, my God, I'm so excited. So how many hours do I have to go through to get to the... A lot. But it's not bad before then.

It just gets better. Okay. All right. They just get older. All right. Yeah. They get older and more comfortable with themselves. Yeah.

The relationships get better. Yeah. They get better. They grow. Yeah. It's like, you know, getting older. It's like real life. Except every time I watch it, I'm like, man, I need more of this in my life.

I'm starting to think my life is inadequate as my sex in the city life. I'm like, I'm not wearing heels out on the town, invited to fancy ass parties, riding in limos. No, dude, you're playing dominoes on a roof and greenpoint. I've been playing a lot of dominoes, though. Oh, yeah? That's fun. I mean, I don't want you to be upset, Molly, but the people have called for my name to be changed to Lil Miserieken 2015. Because I've been playing so many dominoes.

With Puerto Rican people? No, no, no, no. With my significant other. No. Who is white as the day is long. See, that's another, I didn't even realize that that was a stereotype. Yeah, well, it's more Dominicans. I mean, it's, it's, it's, I mean, that's the funny thing is that every single race loves dominoes.

It's the one thing that I think. Italians love dominoes. Yeah. South loves dominoes. White people love that. Like, if you want to talk about like dominoes, every cotton gin across Texas, there is a group of old men playing dominoes for our, straight. See, I was the one that taught Jackie had to play Domino's because I grew up

playing Domino's as well. What I think is interesting though, is the more I talk about Domino's is that a lot of people think it's their stereotype which I think is very funny because when Barnett was like, no, that's a black thing and I was like, no, it's not. He said specifically Jamaican. He's a Jamaican thing. He's like that's a Jamaican thing. It's like a stereotype

we can all share. Yeah, but it's like no, that's our thing. No, no, that's our thing. But I bet all of the different factions are playing different games too because Domino's has a multitude of different games to play. But they might all just be playing spinner. Who knows? I mean, that's what we play

because it's the most dumbed down version of it. Interesting. Although I did today hear about Mexican train, which I kind of want to get on that. Mamasita. Chupa, chooka, chooka, chooka, chooka, taminos. All right, it's Jared time. Oh, man.

You got to move on to Jared. What does it have your way? Eat fresh. Eat fresh, which also makes it, it's like I'd rather eat ripe. Eat ripe older women. You know what my deepest shame is, is that when I was like a seventh grader, I thought Subway was the best food there ever was. God, you had to get out of the Midwest. You know, I think that's a Midwestern problem.

It was a Midwestern. I was like, Subway is like, I thought it was like a nice restaurant. Oh my God. You never had sandwiches before. I mean, I went to restaurants. with my family, but up to that point it was mostly Pizza Hut. But you'd never had like sandwiches in like, not in rectangular form. That's right.

You'd only had square sandwiches at that point. Yeah, exactly. I had never had like a hoagie or a submarine sandwich, whatever you want to call it. A submarine sandwich. Oh, God. You ever had one of those submarine sandwiches? I don't know. It's like a gyro.

Oh, we didn't have gyros in my hometown. No, it's too ethnic. I saw one on TV the other day. I think Roseanne was eating one. Jiro. Well, that's, I mean, that's just sad in general. I know. But not sad for your entire life, you know, that's good.

I think the problem was this was when I ate meat, and basically it was just a lot of pepperoni on a roll, which, of course, that's delicious. Yeah, but also it's not real meat. Well, it tasted like delicious salty pepperoni. Hell yeah. For you, man. The whole thing is sad.

Yeah, Jared is a bad hand That he was still the mascot for this fucking place Dude needs to move on with his life What else is he gonna do? It worked for him I guess I mean he was just getting an endless stream of money For his pedophiliac activities

Or pedophilia activities if you will He has wife and kids It's just the whole thing And apparently he was like He was like the head leader right He was like the ringleader He was not the ringleader there was a woman that was the ringleader.

Interesting. Me and Ben talked about this on Top Hat. It's what's most interesting is everyone's talking about Jared, but no one's going after the massive pedophile ring that enabled this to happen. Are you sure they're not going after it? Hopefully prosecutors. I mean, I hope prosecutors are,

but it hasn't been in the news at all. Not even close to anything happening to the people that are facilitating this. And it's also a stereotype. that it's only men that are involved in the sex trafficking business here in America. And I think that sort of thing is very dangerous because you forget that they, because you know what I mean. It's bad to just say like, oh, it's only men because all the women much more easy, much easier for them to get away with this bullshit. And also, oh, yeah, and a lot easier for kids to trust them too, I feel like. Yeah, it's like, you got to remember, everyone's bad.

Oh, don't look at me when you say that. I know everyone's bad. I don't fuck kids. Most people are bad, though. It's true. Yeah, most people are bad. Yeah, it's like men and women selling their kids into sex slavery, pretty much pimping them out for most, some of them, their entire lives,

up until they turn 18 and they can't really use them anymore. But the kids, all they really know is prostitution. So it usually just continues on from there. Yeah, I know a lot more about pedd- What's that? Where were they gotten from? Like, were they just kids in the neighborhood? A lot of them, it's parents

that are doing, to either parents or foster parents. Foster parents, I imagine. That are doing this to these kids. Some parents even have kids just for the sole purpose of pimping them out. But he was fucking kids, right?

He was fucking teenage girls. Yeah, like middle schoolers. Yeah, like he was anywhere from, I think his was like 12 to 16, 17, somewhere around there. Yeah, he wasn't like, kids, kids. He was like tween to teen. That was his, that was his, that was his, there's no way to put that well.

His face is weird. He's got a thumbhead. He does have a thumbhead. You're right, he does. But also his mouth looks like a gash that was cut out of a piece of molded tomato. It's like it looks like you ought to be shoving like a lemon wedge into it. always a little bit open. Yeah, just a little bit open.

Kind of teeth showing just a little bit dead eyes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How had no one recognized how dead his eyes were before now? Everybody probably just thought it was because of Subway. I mean, yeah. What I love is that I live with someone that worked at Subway for about six years. And all he talked about was that he would do terrible things to the cutout of the Jared man in the subway and he goes

Now I'm glad I did that I'm glad I was doing that Like when you go to subway The only thing you should eat is the meatballs Because it's covered in sauce So that's a little tip out there That's all I eat at Subway I'll eat the meatball

So there you go It's the only thing to eat because the only thing that can be swallowed down your gullet So I'm just got to cover it in Weird sauce jelly And suck it down But how can you fuck up pepperoni, right? It's not real.

What do you mean it's not real? It's squirty meat. They get it in like tubes. Yeah, it's all squirty meat. Yeah, and you press it down into like, oh, now it's kind of a meat. Okay. Yeah. Or they like take it and they shave it off of a big pussy block.

Yeah. And they shave it off to make it look like meat like, like, like a, but do normal delis. Is it normal delis is it? Normal delis are real meat, right? Yes. Yeah, boris head. Boris head. Yeah, boris it.

We weren't allowed to eat at Subway. growing up. And you know what? I stand by that decision. Were you allowed to eat at any other fast food? Not really. It wasn't even like a thing about... It was just we didn't eat it because my mom made much better food at home. So I'd rather eat a bunch of my mom's chicken farm and eat five helpings of it.

You know? The only other place I ever ate out was McDonald's. I'd get stoned and go get cheeseburgers at McDonald's. But that's tube meat as well, isn't it? Sure, sure, sure. I just think that... I think Subway's a different caliber of two. And it also pretends to be real food, which is the most offensive part.

Like, McDonald's knows what it fucking is. Yeah. It's fake. Sometimes it tries to, like, be like, we have a salad. Yeah, remember the mishakes? Yeah. The mishakers, the chicken in the, in the, like, it looks like it was in a milkshake. Shake or salad.

Shaker salad. Oh, Rosie O'Donnell, the daughter. Oh, me. And back. What? She's back, though, right? She's back, yeah. What?

Oh, yeah. She went missing 17 years. old. She was found at the home of Stephen Shearer 25. She ran away with a man. But last time they saw her she was just out walking the dog.

Where is the dog? They don't know where the dog is? I don't know. How old is the kid? 17. Okay. It's not too bad with 25. I mean, it's not good. It's bad for the 25 year old. Yeah. But man, God, what I wouldn't have given

at 17 to fuck a 25 year old. But still, you shouldn't do it. It's bad. You shouldn't run away. I'm not going to blame her, but I'm going to blame that 25-year-old. But also wait another year and then he could fuck them all you want. Right. Or just, I mean, you can still fuck him at 17. No, I don't know what they're talking about.

Age of consent in New Jersey is 16. There you go. Legal. But she did run away from home. He's been charged. He's facing charges of child endangerment and distribution of obscenity to a minor. Oh, he's what? You have dickpicks on her phones?

What if it sounds like? Yep. So they had obscene communication. inappropriate communications. But the consent is 16, so I don't understand how this is child. You can fuck them, but you can't give them porn. Listen, even if the age of consent is 16, which fine, it's still, I think there should still be some, if not prosecutorial judgment or scorn. There should be some moral scorn on 25-year-old.

Don't fuck a 17-year-old. They are still a child. But also, you should fucking know better than to be sending dickpicks and like, I'm going to fuck you in your whole text messages to a 17 year old. Especially a 17 year old that is the daughter of a very fucking feminist crazy

motherfucking bitch. Who's going to advocate for her kid? Yes, who's going to go after you like a fucking bull after a hot dog? Okay, but think about how stupid you were at 17. At least I was really stupid. I would not want to be... That's not to say

that 17 year old shouldn't be, shouldn't have agency, but it is to say that 25-year-old shouldn't take advantage of that. I feel like she was a particularly stupid 17-year-old because, man, started from the age of, I'm going to say 14, I got away with a lot of fucking shit. And not because my fucking parents weren't around, but because I was good at it. Because I didn't want to get caught. And this girl running away with this guy, that's dumb.

Because you're going to get caught. What do you think it's forever? Maybe it was a cry for help. Oh, she's got problems. Oh, she does? Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's got problems. I guess I fucking take back what I say. Yeah, it just says.

she suffers from mental illness. It doesn't say anything. Well, even more. That could be anything. That could be anything. That could also be, I mean, that could say, there's also people say, oh, I have anxiety. Do you? Yeah. And by the way, the dog was with her. She was found hiding in the attic of the home with her therapy dog bear.

Oh, with a therapy dog. That actually takes some work to get. Okay, you know, it does. Maybe if you're Rosie O'Donnell, you can get it. But that's even more reason that this 25-year-old perv shouldn't be fucking around with a kit. Yeah, especially one that's got stuff going on. Problems. Yeah. You got problems. Yeah. No, don't do it. She's got a therapy dog. Now, was she training the therapy dog or was it her therapy dog?

That's also a big thing. I believe it was her therapy dog. I mean, it would be bad news for anybody either way if you were a family waiting for your therapy dog and your person who's training. We got to get that dog away from that girl. And the lawyer for this guy says this just came out a few hours. hours ago, the lawyer for the guy says that there are surprise facts that will clear him. It will clear this sheer affair. What's going to happen?

He said, I'm not going to say anything just yet. He's giving us a teaser. He's like, there are things you don't know. Things you don't know. Because he hasn't been indicted yet. The 25-year-old. The 25-year-old. So the grand jury is still yet to come up.

So there might be some surprise facts. What if she's having some problems at home? What if he's like a teacher's age? Maybe I'm just writing a porn inside of my head. And she goes to him for help and he's like, you have to go home. You can't stay here. And then she pretends like she goes home. And she goes up into the attic.

She climbs up a drain pipe and scurries in through an open window. Why else would she be in the attic? Yeah. Why would she be in the attic with a dog? Maybe he's a violent, coercive man who put her in the attic. I don't know. I think that he's... But how would that get him off, though?

Yeah. Not sexually. Not sexually. I meant on, get him off on the shit. I meant on, get him off on the charges. Oh, no, no, I can see how it gets off on that. Sure, no, no, no, yeah, no. I'm keeping it off in the attic.

I was like, do I really need to explain this to you? No, I meant, how would that get him free of the charges? Because he says the surprise facts will put it all to light. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. Maybe. How does he get off from that?

Maybe the sheriff is sympathizing with him and he's just like, you know, he's not that bad. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Man, speculation. and assumations.

Oh yeah, especially on a low life in New Jersey. Is he a low life, Marcus, or is that an assumption of yours? Have you seen the mugshot? No. I'm going to go ahead and make an assumation. Of you and me. Asian. That's what they say when you assume.

Show me that white trash. See, because he's been crying in the mugshot. Bad man Bad man Ooch he looks older than 25 Yes he sure does He's an old 25 Yikes

Yes But she's cute though Sometimes people in other states Look older Yeah I guess Yeah jersey is a rough Not all of it is rough But there's a good pocket

That's rough Yeah Yeah But that's the thing I don't know This is a real weird thing about Rosie O'Donnell This is a celebrity question here Is that the daughter

Of course, ran away. Not everyone would know about this because now this is huge news. We're talking about the 17-year-old girl's private life, this family's private happenings. We would not have known about it had Rosie O'Donnell not tweeted out that her daughter was missing. Now, how do you do that? How do you handle that? Do you tweet it out and let your family business go out and about?

But she also didn't tweet it out until days later, though. Yeah, and if you don't know what happened to your kid and you have like, millions of people at your beck and call, I'd probably be like, fuck it, everybody found my kid because she might have thought she had been kidnapped or killed or something. Because I actually, I was interested in that because when I saw it, because she had been missing from like the weekend before it, it was like in the midweek when she tweeted it out. Because when I saw that and that had it happened a while ago, I was like, why did she wait so long to tweet?

Because I would assume that if I was that big of a celebrity, that I would immediately say something. Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't as a nobody because it's not going to do anything or help anything. Yeah, you probably think it'll help. Although, of course, it now is a nightmare for all of them. But, yeah, if you think something really horrible has happened, I'm sure you would want everybody to know.

Yeah. I mean, apparently this guy had sent her nude photo of himself, and they are looking to charge him with endangering a child's welfare by engaging in behavior that would debauch the minor's morals. What a weird charge. Such a weird. No, that's called they made this up because the consent is 16, but they still want to be able to go after kids or adults that are fucking 16 and 17-year-olds.

And don't get me wrong. Which is fair. Fair. Totally fair. I think a lot of the time, of course, there's instances when like a 16-year-old and an 18-year-old fuck and statutory laws like end up screwing everybody over and that totally happens. 25 is out of that gray area. Yeah. You were.

But what if he's, I mean, not to say, what if he's not that. Bright of a guy. He's still 25. He worked as a mover, and before that, he was an employee at a power washing company. That doesn't mean anything. Yeah, right. I work at a pie shop. Right.

Yeah, we know we're friends with movers. I'm smart. We got a lot of mover friends. Is he like me? Is that another sister thing? Smart. It's far as scum. Forrest Gump, yeah.

Is he? like me oh yeah that's a good one it's hey no never mind that's a bad one that's a bad that's bad

that's bad makes me feel unassage is he like me no that's more George W. Bush I think than anything well I've been doing

a lot of 9-11 stuff yeah I think yeah you just got George W. Bush up your bush I got all right it's time for the list who's on the list yeah

got it that list. Celebrities you might meet on Tinder. Interesting. As long as they're off Ashley Madison. Yeah, right. Tinder is above board. Hillary Duff.

Man, her face has changed. Yes, agreed. And I don't know if it's just because I was so used to watching her as Lizzie McGuire and that she was so young. Yeah. But now she looks a lot more like a miniature version of Madonna looks like now. And I'm not talking about younger Madonna. I mean, she looks

like a weird Skeletor Like that Madonna Like bitch on Madonna Yeah Uh Hillary Dove's sister Haley Duff has a cooking show

She's haunt She's haught She's hot Not her than Hillary She seems more impersonable Can we bring up? She does What's her name Harley?

Haley Haley Remember when Was that Hillary Duff or Haley Duff Would the blow job with the engagement blow job, I think it was Hillary Duff. I don't remember. With all the pictures of her from the hotel window, like a paparazzi from across the way,

she said yes, and then like you could see it, like her saying yes, and she immediately got down her knees and sucked him off. Oh, well, that's fine. We talked about it. Oh, yeah, I know, I know we talked about it on page seven. I don't know why I'll forever think about that because I was like, I guess that's what you do. He says, we marry me, and I'm like, all right, don't zip your pants.

Mom, get out of the room. I got to suck, dug off real fast. because that's love. Get out of here. Get out of here, Mom. This is Haley. She's got a... Yeah, she's pretty.

Yeah. And how about, can we bring up a Hillary? Because I don't know what you're talking about, Jackie, with your Madonna face. A current Hillary. Yeah, she looks the same. Does she look the same? No, no, not the same. I take it back.

Yeah, she looks different. La. La. Gar. Gar. It's her cheek. Yeah. I'm always cheating, sending the shower.

That's why I say. At least Haley looks normal. Haley does look normal. I just never want divvets underneath my cheekbones. Does she have them normally? No. It's like the apple cheeks, which is great, but then it looks... It's weird.

They start looking like overhangs. Yes, they do. Yeah. Like something you could shelter during a storm. During a storm. Yes. I see. So that's what the issue is for you. Yeah. All right.

Tinder though. Mm-hmm. Go for it. Leonardo DiCaprio. Man. He was, this was, there's conflicting reports here. Well, OK Magazine says that he was on it. Is it fake Leo though?

And then gossip cop said that he was on it. There was reports that he was on Tinder with the pseudonym Leonard. And then he was just obsessed with it. He was just sitting there just swiping, swipe and swipe and swipe and swipe. And someone reported that. on set. And then a close personal friend of Leonardo DiCaprio

called Gossip Cop that, no, it's insane. He'd never do that. Leave it up to you two. I mean, I he has been rocking Dad Bod Plus lately. Which I dig. I'm into, but I know that those

models aren't always, although he's a suave. Didn't he fuck like 25 women at once? Yeah, yeah. I mean, he's got, he's got the nuts. And this was at Coachella, by the way. I don't know. I don't agree. I think he's such a private guy.

Yeah. He's fairly private. The idea that you just sit there and scan makes a little bit more sense. That's fine. I understand that. I don't think he probably would ever meet up with any of them unless it was some... Because models aren't on Tinder. Right. You know, he can...

He can meet people. Yes. You know, who's on Tinder, though? Lindsay Lohan. Oh, God. Yeah. And she also posted a screenshot of her brother meaning that she came upon her brother on... Sure. I mean, sure.

She came upon her brother on Tinder? On Tinder, yeah. They have 156 shared friends, 14 shared interests. Ew. Are those painted on eyebrows? They look like it. They look like it. Is that Groucho Marx?

Is it a doctored photograph to make it look like... Hey, let's see. Hey, on dinner. Hey, I like your breasts. Oh, give me some coke. What is up with that guy's eyebrow? That is a rough picture. You should get a better picture.

Lindsay Loand is also, man, I mean I to say, is it the ayahuasca? I don't know. She's also. Looking a little. Come closer. Let me see, Mark. I'm looking. I'm looking.

I guess. that means she's like the monsters in Dark Crystal. It's this face. Yeah, no, she is... This face. Yeah, all right. Your mean,

she's, she, it's a little Gartman, it's a little bit of the monsters from Dark Crystal. And also a little bit of Lady Gremlin. Yeah, yes. She's tight. I love the Lady Gremlin.

I love Lady Gremlin. That's what I've always said, man, is that every fucking plastic surgeon should be required to have a picture of the lady Grimlin in their offices. It's not what I want to be like. You're just like, this is what could happen by law. Oh.

Oh. Her parents said they're in family therapy. They said, please shoot us. They do not like being in family therapy. Who would? Well, her mom is a crazy go nuts. Yeah, it's all her mom's fault, I think. Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

I mean, I think she did a little bit of the nose heavy lifting, but, you know, I think her mom definitely cut up the straws for her. Yeah, it's her mom and cocaine's fault. Yeah. Oh, cocaine, what a bad drug for your body. It's really bad for everything. Everything. Yeah, everything.

Head to toe, cocaine real bad. All right, it's time for Blind Idol. Oh, I can't see up. This long-running host of a game show is married, but has no problems picking up college women visiting the show almost every day they film. he must be pushing 70 by now. Pat Sejek.

Yeah. Wow. Good work, Jackie. It's because of Vanna. Vana has kept his dick hard and strong for his entire career. Because he's fucked her because he just looks at her. I think he just looks at her. She was always too good to fuck him.

I hope so. I think so. And she's probably fuck some of me. Imagine like if I was Vanna White, I would fuck contestants in the cars. Yeah. That they won. Yeah. Like, oh, it was your car.

Why don't we fucking it? And then, like, that's christen it. And then, like, you can take it home with your family. And Pat Sejack is just, like, kind of standing behind a pane of glass watching. Like, with, like, the tiny microphone, just, like, stroking on the microphone because he forgets how to stroke his own dick. She was, she's still doing okay. Yes, she is. Like, she's...

Oh, she looks great. Yeah. She's in her, like, she must be in her 60s. What is her age? She's got to be old as hell then. That shows been on since before I was born. Yeah, she's 58. Okay.

58. See, I would never fuck Pat Sejack, though, because he's scary. Yeah. I first, when he first started saying it until he said that he was on, he's been on for so long, I was going to say Drew Carey. And I guess I'd probably fuck Drew Carey. I wouldn't like it. Oh, he would be so obnoxious.

But as long as I could. Oh, what are you talking about? Drew Carey's a wonderful man. His personality? You want to... You know what's sad? You would be banking jokes. He said he had to wear the fake glasses after he got LASIC so that people would

remember who he was. That's sad. Well, hey, it's a very distinct look that he has. He's got very beady eyes. I don't think anyone else's eyes could be that small. Yeah, he doesn't look good without glasses. Why would he get Lasic if you still have to wear your glass? I mean, only on the TV.

I guess he thought he could do the transition. And they tries it, they're like, no, you don't look like Drew Carey. You look like, again, a thumbhead. Thumb head. It's a thumbhead. At least he has a bigger body to carry the thumbhead. Yeah, but he got skinny for a little bit. He did. He packed a little bit of an on. I think people were worried about him. He was looking sickly.

It's fine. We like a better bigger. Yeah, he looks great the way he is, yeah. Mm-hmm. All right. We only got two today. It's amazing how lawsuits against this famous actor simply seemed to disappear. All he had to do was pay the accuser, a phenomenal seven figures to make it go away. As far as we know, that is more than he has ever paid anyone for their silence before. At least now the accuser can go away. on with their life and not have to face off against the defendant ever again, although they are prohibited from talking about the defendant or talking about the terms of the settlement.

Our lovely actor? Well, he can go on pretending he is a perfect family man with a lovely wife and angelic children whom everyone is simply trying to shake down for money. Who pays off a lot of men? Which man? Tom Cruise? Pays off a lot of men. John Tra.

John Tra. It happened again. It happened again. The price is going up. Now it's seven figures. Man, Marcus, get out there. Waggle your ass around. You're not working hard enough.

Fund this arts program. Get to the gym. Oh, my God. I've got to. I've got to. That or learn how to fly a plane. Which would be awesome. Either way, I think, you know, we all win.

You might win if you learn how to fly plane. You learn how to fly plane. That's a win. Go to the gym. You might either have to, you might get a blowjob from George, which, I mean, I know you're not that into, but like, I mean, it's John Travolta. And seven figures. And you split it three ways of me and Molly.

Yeah, because it was our idea. We do none of the work, but it was our idea. So we just copyrighted it. So now you got to go do it. Can't share it with any of the other members of Cape Comedy Radio. No, it's just the three of us. Too many of them. I would if I could

But I can't You know, it's like I can't I'm not gonna make that joke I don't want to I really don't want to do this Who could I get? Who could we get to do it? I mean not for John Tra

because no one else will split the money with us Who can we fucking get a bunch of money out of it? Get Henry, he's been working out I have to have sex with Henry No Henry has to have sex with Jantra Yeah but Henry split it with you But also I don't think Henry is John Tra's type

I hate to say it. Not saying that he doesn't look great. But I'm saying I don't think that's really his type. I think he's more of a tall and lean. Like a young hairless. Let's see this guy. The guy is Tom Doug Godderbaugh. If he looks more like Marcus or more like Henry, that will help.

Okay, then we'll decide. Neither one. Wow, he's old. He's old. Yeah, he was his pilot for years and years. Oh, that's the pilot! It's the pilot. I thought it was consensual.

Well, it says John, Travolta scored a major legal victory this week against a man who claims he had a six-year gay affair with the actor. Radar Online.com has learned that Travolta's former pilot, Doug Godderbaugh, asked a judge to dismiss his lawsuit against the star and the judge complied. So Goderbaugh dismissed the lawsuit. Oh, I thought he won seven figures. Oh, he got paid seven figures. As a settlement. As a settlement.

Although the settlement's under the table. No one's actually talking about it. Whoa. So we got to find like a pilot. We got to find a pilot. Yeah. If we find a pilot, I'm just going to marry the pilot. I think we should make a television pilot about us trying to find somebody to fuck John Travolta, though, because that would be a fun program.

Yeah, I don't know if it would ever get to air because I'm pretty sure Scientology will have something to say about that. Yeah, but why don't we talk about a sexy flight attendant for him to know. He's married. Well, we work on Tom Cruise. We gotta shift our focus is Always looking for a wife He's always looking for a wife You and I have better standing

I haven't seen Mission Impossible yet I heard it could be renamed Tom Cruise running That's how all those are Tom Cruise hanging on to a plane I mean I'll watch it I'll watch I guess you know what No I won't watch it

I don't care I've seen it I don't need to see it again I saw the first two they were fine Which one had Philip Seymor Hoffman in it The second one I didn't see that one I like the third one The third one Because I like the one with

What's his name The sheep killer. No country. Tommy Lee Jones? Nope. Josh Brolin. Nope. Javier Bardem.

The one that he... No, that was a James Bond. All right. All right. I gotta go. I gotta watch more sex in the city. Lord knows I can't talk about fucking action movies. My name is Jackie Zabrowski.

My name is Molly Nass. I'm Marcus Parks, but yes, you are a slime bug. I'm slimy. Ugh. For more shows like the one you just listened to, Go to cavecomedyradio.com.