Page 7 - Episode 144: Princess Jackie's Stable Boy

Episode Date: December 2, 2015

In the first Page Seven episode of the holiday season, Jackie, Molly and Marcus talk music gossip, compare favorite Christmas movies, and discuss celebrity divorces. Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Yeah, sounds like everybody's having a bit of a bugaboo day. Molly? Bugaboo! Bugaboo! Bugaboo day. Welcome to page 7. We're having a bugaboo day. Bugaboo, man.

Did you know that the reason why Destiny's Child didn't originally really dance in any of their videos is that they didn't know how to dance? Yeah, they're a bunch of rich kids from Houston. They didn't know how to dance at the top. And then Beyonce, as she became solo, had to learn how to dance. You're kidding. I'm not. She learned that. You can't.

There are some things you can. I mean, the same time, she's got the groove of a goddess. She does have the groove of a goddess. But let it be known that Beyonce and the rest of Destiny's Childer, upper-crust Houston hoity-to-to-dies. They didn't know how to dance at all. They didn't know how to get their jive on. She couldn't get a groove back.

I'm hearing some Texas-specific resentment from Marcus here on a Houston bat. Oh, Houston hoity-to-dies. Them Houston people think they're so much better in the rest of the country, or the rest of the state. They think there's so much better in us. They ain't. They ain't nothing. Whoa.

Wait, honestly, though, I'm just feeling so relieved that you can learn something like that. I mean, at the same time, you can't give the gift that God gives you. You know what I mean? Like, you can show me how to do it, but I've sat and tried to learn the... I sing the ladies. I mean, everyone has looked at the video and tried to at least do the dance. Because you're like, oh, that's easy. It's not fucking easy.

You can't move your hand. and your hips and legs at the same time. The one that she does that's the hardest is the drunken, it's in drunken love it's also in that video for Countdown where she does like hips and shoulders and ass and it's all just like super effortless. She's like kind of bouncing, but then if you try to do it yourself,

it doesn't work. It looks like a retard. I'm sorry, Molly. You know, I don't like that, but... Mentally disabled person. Although some of them got groove. I'm not... I was going to say, let's not implicate a whole population in terms of their dancing.

Sometimes you're a Jackie Zabrowski. Yeah, there we go. Because, you know, in my head, I think I look like Beyonce. I don't. Have you guys seen the Hotline Bling? Obviously, there's many Hotline Bling memes, but there's one where it's juxtaposed with the images of Elaine dancing. You know how Elaine has been special. The Thumbs on Dance.

Chicken kicks. That's it to Hotline Bling is pretty good. That's a lot. of fun. We can stay in music for our very first story. Have you guys heard about the new Coldplay song? I watched the video right before I came over here. Are you talking about Monkey Village? Because that's the name of the song. It should be the name of the song. No, is that the video? Because I'm talking about Everglow. Oh, no. I was talking about the video. It's something about it just dropped, this new video that it's all CGI monkeys that are Coldplay, sing.

the song and jumping through the forest and the song is terrible. The video is, I don't know why, because they definitely spent millions of dollars on the CGI. It's very beautiful. The movie video is very beautiful. What?

It made me very angry, but I'm sorry. I don't know about Everglow. This is going to make you even angrier. Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin continued to not really seem all that divorced most recently by collaboration. on a song that appears on the new coal play.

What does she do on it? Does she just go, My Lake Beans? Oh, I like beans and lines. I only could afford three lines. She's such a bitch. Yeah. It's called Everglow.

And the Wall Street Journal says it is, quote, about a relationship's enduring spark. Ew. Why are we talking about cold play? And here's some of the lines. Here's some of the lines. It's about Paltrow. Listen.

Well, they say people come. Say people go. This particular diamond is extra special. She's not. And though you might be gone and the world may not know. Still, I see your Celestio. She's a blood diamond. She's just like the movie.

She is the definition of blood diamond. Yeah. Yeah, sure. She's looking good on the outside, but on the inside. she's filled with shit and hate. Yeah, and income shaming. Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm, yeah, and Chris Martin says to me,

it's about whether it's a loved one or a situation or a friend or a relationship that's finished or someone's passed away. I was really thinking about after you've been through the sadness of something, you also get the Everglow. I think I might hate Chris Martin just as much as I hate Gwyneth Paltrow. Yeah, because whoever can tolerate her must all. also be intolerable.

And I mean, it's like that whole, thank God the J-Law thing was a flash in the pan, because I couldn't take it. She's too down to earth, love her too much. You can't deal with that shit. She appears to be down. I'm fine, that's fine, I'll take it. I'll take how she appears. Might I ask for an image of Chris Martin again?

Because isn't he like a spindly little blonde rat? Yeah, he's a little British rat. Yeah, he's just a rat. That's what I thought he looks like. They're kind of ratty together. I bet they get horrible mice children. Yeah, does Apple look like a mouse? I bet Apple looks like a little mouse.

I mean, she may as well be called cheese. Little mice are cute, to be fair, but they don't grow up to be cute. No, she turns a little rat. Yeah, but little mice are cute. Oh, she is a cheese girl through and through. Cheesy cheese. She may as well call a Swiss. She's filled with holes.

Apple is that old? Yeah, man, we're getting old, dude. She's got the scowl of somebody whose name is Apple. Yeah, they both got, they're both of their kids. Kids are rat children. She's Goop baby. Yeah, she's goopy. Goopy and scowly.

But the new video really is fairly atrocious. Yeah. I've been watching a lot of Adele videos, so I mean, in comparison. Right. Yeah, sets the bar high. I do have to throw it out there. I hate that I started looking at the YouTube channel on my Apple TV. And I love it at the same time.

The Adele YouTube channel? No, just the YouTube channel on the Apple TV. So it's all, I mean, Adele is all fucking over it because they're. album just dropped. I haven't bought it yet. It's not on my streamies just yet. I haven't bought it yet either. And I think I'm just going to buy it because I need to have it. You're going to buy it like a CD or are you going to buy it? No, I'm going to buy

it on the boot boots. Yeah, yeah. But the thing is, is that she did this video with Jimmy Fallon and the Roots where she's saying hello and they all, and the Roots played, they all played, yeah, the kids' instruments. I heard it was cute. It's fantastic. Have you seen the Colby Maybe One? The Call Me Maybe One

is very good. It's a precedent they have it's you don't like it okay if adele's not in it I don't I can't watch it oh you don't like honey maybe I because what I love about it is that it's such a like serious over the top song and she's smiling through the whole thing halfway through starts to laugh yeah I love her I love her so much I can't even breathe I love Adele so much yeah I still haven't heard this hello song you have heard it you I mean if you have been outdoors you have heard it okay I have been outdoors. You probably haven't registered it, but if you probably, if you heard it, it's everywhere. Right. I'm sure I heard it in a bodega. Yeah. Yeah, that's how I hear all my music. Yeah, me too.

That and the children shaming me for not knowing it yet. Well, you have to know. How does it feel to be pop shame? I know. I know. Well, I like also children, I deal with my hurt by putting it out onto others. So I shame people for not knowing things. Have you heard WTF yet, though? Where they from? How to do what they're from Oh, that was Missy Yeah, Missy I love that song

That is a good song That is a fantastic song And I am as wide as they go I learned how to play cribbage yesterday That's how wide I am I sat and we learned How to play cribbage yesterday It takes some time

It is a hard game to learn If you're not like sitting with an eight-year-old British grandmother You can go to the website of the ACC, the American cribbage Congress. Oh, I don't know. I think that they're all stickless. So were you just sitting there playing cribbage list and the missy? We were watching the YouTube video a few times while we were learning it to play cribbage.

We're also watching multiple cribbage videos trying desperately to figure out how to play it. We got through a whole game. We fumbled through a whole game. Right. I think we figured it out. But it's like there's things like nobs and muggins. And it is, I afterwards was like, I had to watch the Missy Elliott video because I couldn't feel any more watch. What about peggings?

How many peggings? Oh, man. How many peggings did I? I didn't get a fucking enough because I fucking lost. Oh, so the person who gets the most pegings wins. Oh, yeah, man. Oh, it has that little board. It has the board.

I had one of those weird friends in high school who loved all those weird games and he loves cribbing. It's kind of interesting, though, because we. We found a board of it at a, like a thrift store, and he was like, oh, we should learn how to play this. It was like, oh, cribbage, I know nothing about it. And I didn't realize it's one of the most difficult games I've ever learned how to play. My mind hurt afterwards. I had to take an advil. Now, what is the pon.

I don't know what the pun is. Like an internet thing? Apparently, you were playing American cribbage Congress rules. Well, I wasn't playing American cribbage. It was like a fucking UK cribbage. Okay, because apparently... It's the British way. Because the Pone can call Muggins after the dealer completes pegging the hand.

Oh, yeah, so basically it's just the person that's not the dealer. Okay. I guess that's the Pone. Is that pawn? It sounds like it's a pawn. P-O-N-E. Pone. It's the Pound.

It's the Pound. I call Muggins. And you have to say it in a British accent, and especially while we were watching the 1938 version of a Christmas carol, which is boring as fuck. Yeah. Super boring. Why did you do that instead of all the other ones that we like? Because it was on Netflix And we had already watched a bunch of the other ones

So it's like, oh, let's watch this, I've never seen this before Right, well, I'm coming upon my annual Gremlin's viewing Ooh, it's coming And of course I'm saving love a Christmas carol But I did listen to the soundtrack thrice this day I just, you hear me my Sam the Eagle reference just now? No, I didn't I made it a couple of Sam the Eagle references recently

But anytime somebody says the American versus or the British It's the American way. The American way. And then the whispering, It is the British way. Yeah. My big Christmas game. Oh, I can't wait to watch it.

I savor it. I got to wait. I know. I know. I don't know what to do because my brother doesn't ever want to watch it. I don't think he wants to. Why is he an idiot freak?

Nobody likes it in my family as much as I do. I don't understand. Well, that's the problem is that I was watching this 1938 version, and I just kept singing the songs over the version. It's in the singing of it. I just, everything, because it's so much more fun. It's so much, I feel like that is the standard for a Christmas carol. And I haven't seen as many times as you guys have Scrooge.

So I know that's another standard. Yeah, see, I already watched Scrooge this year. Have you already? I watched it in like, fuck, like August. See, I don't really know why. You're not going to give yourself it again? No, once a year's fine. No, we did, we're doing, you got to do all of the, like, outsider

first before you hone in. So that's why we did Christmas with the Cranks, which is on Netflix. It sounds like you made a really fun life. Because it turned into where did Tim Allen come from? Because I know he's a huge Cokehead for a long time and everybody knows that

and I was like, you know, I've seen every episode of Home Improvement about 10 times. But I've never seen his stand-up. So after Christmas with the Cranks, we decided to watch a bunch of his old stand-up. How was it? It was definitely not home.

Like, I guess, like he did still the ho-ho-ho thing. That's a stand-up bit that he had. He built an entire, like, 10-season show around that. Around that, because basically, like, his whole thing was that his mother used to call him and his brother's animals. So those were the sounds that they would make, like, these grunting noises pretending to be animals, which I never knew where it came from. So that's kind of interesting. Christmas of the Crank sucks. And I don't know.

I mean, I watch it every year because my mom wants. to bone the fuck out of Tim Allen. Okay. Why don't you watch the Santa Claus? Oh my God. Are you fucking... I've seen all three of the Santa Claus is 100 million fucking times. But then he comes out with Christmas in the Cranks. Gotta watch it. He's in it. Jamie Lee Curtis is in it.

But the problem is that it's about a girl that for the first time their daughter isn't home for Christmas. So last year in Christmas, I didn't go home for Christmas. So my mom watched it thrice and cried every single time because Christmas just isn't the same. when your child isn't home.

I think that's true. There's a lot of themes of I'll be home. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I did hear the Judy Garland version of I'll be home for Christmas today, and I immediately started to cry. See? How's Dan Aykroyd in it?

He's fine. He's the menace of the town that is insane because they decide that they're not going to celebrate Christmas because she's not there, so they're going on a cruise instead. So the whole town is just blown away that they're not going to celebrate.

celebrate Christmas. So it's all the whole town against them and how they have to celebrate Christmas. It's based on the John Grisham novel Skipping Christmas. John Grisham, better known for such books as a time to kill in the firm. Wait a second, it's based on a John Grisham

novel. What? There's no fucking way it's based on a John Grisham novel. A John Grisham book called Skipping Christmas. But I don't. What is it? It also sounds like aggressively Christian to be like, you can't skip

Christmas. Is it a law? in the book? Because that's not what John Grisham writes. Yeah, he wrote Skipping Christmas. John Grisham. It's based on a John Grisham book. Maybe that's what he does when instead of sleeping,

he just writes fun Christmas novels. My mind was just blown. Yeah, no, that man is a prolific. I'm going to buy the fucking book for my mother for Christmas. It was the number one New York Times bestseller. Skip. Why? Why?

New York Times bestseller indicators are misleading because all, John Grisham books are there, right? Because everybody, I mean, you know, that is not an hour age range, but like my mom has bought every single John Grisham's book. Oh, yeah. I guess she's probably read that and she just didn't even know Christmas and the Granks was based on it. I mean, well, it sounds like the exact same novel, the exact same plot.

I mean, the, what is it? The synopsis is exactly the same. They were the only house on Hemlock Street without a rooftop frosty. They thought that skipping Christmas was going to be easy, but they're going to find out it's not as easy. But there's no murder? There's no trial? Is it like a romp?

Yeah, it's a romp. John Grisham is a multifaceted writer. He also, I mean, along with such books as the rainmaker, Sycamore Roe, and the litigators, he's also wrote such books as playing for pizza and Calico Joe and The Christmas Train. So he's just a regular show Silverstein. Oh, excuse me, the Christmas train is by David Baltie. Oh, Beldachi, man.

I love a Beldachi. But he did write playing for pizza. What game were they playing for pizza? Ooh, that's kind of fun. Football. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it actually football?

Yeah, Rick Dockery is the third string quarterback for the Cleveland Browns. He gets into the game. He puts in the arguably the worst performance in the NFL becomes a national laughing stock and goes and sells people. Playing for pizza. Oh, no, no, no. He gets kicked out, and he gets a job playing quarterback, the starting quarterback for the Mighty Panthers. But guess where the Panthers are?

Pizza store. Italy! Pizza store. I like pizza store better. I'd rather read that book. It's a pizza store and a Panthers. We have a football team, but you would be a decontas back. Yeah, but we call him a pepperon.

Oh, here's a starting, a pepperoni play, a man. But wouldn't a football team in Italy be a soccer team? Well, he's playing football Americano. Oh, oh, yeah, we throw an Americano in there. Yeah, yeah. To say that Italy, the land of fine wines and extremely small cars holds a few surprises for Rick Dockery would be something of an understatement. Playing for pizza. Man, I would do...

Get her at the airport today. Why was he in the game? Why was he on the team? Where in the hell did he come from? Let's talk about it later, Arnie said, and Rick was too weak to argue. With great reluctance, his wounded brain was stirring slightly, shaking itself from its coma and trying to awaken. The Browns Stadium on a very cold Sunday afternoon before a record crowd.

This is why I don't listen to books on tape. No, more than that. The AFC title game. And then that's where And then it goes from there That's the beginning They really start in the middle Playing for pizza

Oh welcome a pay for pizza Three and a half stars Not as best but not as worse I'd rather play for stromboli Nothing got nothing all that I'm playing for lasagna tonight That's it I'm having for dinner Lazzagna

I have a lot of Lazzagna Is it frozen? No Whoa I order it from a local pizza joint Okay I was about to say No, I don't make anything

I mean it's a difficult thing to start with It's all I'm saying Yeah, yeah, you can't start with that But yeah, playing for pizza That's great God bless you, John Grisham Christmas with the Cranks I don't know, is it a God bless you, John Grisham?

Well, just because you just keep on hustling Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's playing for pizza He can't stop During filming of Christmas with the Cranks It was reported that the cast and crew ingested over 10 pounds of fake snow collectively That's kind of fun. That is fun.

I am looking also forward to deck the halls, which is another shit-ass Christmas movie that for some reason I watch every year. What's that one? Matthew Broderick and Danny DeVito. And they are competing over being able to be seen by their Christmas lights in outer space. What? What year? Wow. Just a few years ago.

Now what's it called again? Deck the Halls? Yeah, it's called Deck the Halls. Matthew Broderick. Yeah. I mean, that's why I watch is I love Matthew Broderick. I love Danny DeVito. They are shining stars within a field of garbage crap, but I still watch it every year.

Guess what the tagline for it is. What is it? There glows the neighborhood. Yeah. Christmas! Christmas! I love all of it. I am a monster.

I'll watch any of it. The problem is that now I have opened to me the Lifetime channel on my Apple TV. So they have the hordes of the really bad. I mean, I've talked about Santa Paws on here before, and I can't bring myself to watch a movie, but I don't think that the movie is based on the really sad book about the homeless dog at Christmas. It does all their helpful deeds for people.

What? But I still can't bring myself to watch the movie, which I don't think it's about that. Santa Paws. Santa Paz is by far the saddest book I've ever read. I think I got it when I was about 11 years. and they read it every year. Is it a nonfiction or a fiction?

It is a, it's a fiction. And it is about a homeless dog that in a, in a snowy town, and he does good deeds for people. And in the end, he is still homeless. No, this Santa Paz is about, this is about magic dogs and an elf who team up with two kids to rescue Santa Claus. He has lost his memory. I heard of this last night. It's a Disney film. Air Bud is about.

is different, but it's similar, right? Well, that's the search for Santa Paws. Oh. Hmm. But I also have heard about, which I am, I'm devastated that I've not seen this movie before. It has got great reviews, and it's called Arthur Christmas. It came about, it came out about four years ago. I've never seen it before.

Can't fucking find the goddamn thing. Is it Arthur? The Ardwerk? Arthur Christmas. Ardvork? The Ardvark? You saying Ardvork? Yeah.

I'm saying Arthur Christmas. I know, but I'm not. I'm saying, is it Arthur the Ardvark? No, I think he's a boy. No, Arthur the Ardvark is, isn't that from the Arthur? Yeah, the little nerdy, the little nerdy piece of shit. Oh, the dumb fuck. The dumb fuck.

You hate Arthur? Yeah, the dumb fuck PBS bullshit. I think I hate Arthur. What's, uh, no, I was thinking of what's the story Wishbone. He has a, oh, uh. D. What's, he. What's, he.

Ooh, that face. That face reminds me of Petrie from Land Before Time. I also hate that face. I hate anything small. You hate every character I identify with it. I'm sorry. Piglet. Because you're bigger than you think. Petrie.

In your mind and in your heart. DW. I was trying to think of the Arthur theme song because it would always get stuck in my head. Hey, it's a wonderful time of the day where we can learn to work and play and get along with each other. It's a little bit rasta. Yeah, for no reason. It's an hard bar. You got to listen to your heart.

Listen to the beat. Listen to the beat. The rhythm of the street. Yeah, it's too rasta for an ard vark and DW, the no-nosed monkey bit. I hated DW so much. Are you thinking Arthur Christmas, the 2011 movie, the animated movie?

Apparently it's fantastic. In which Santa's clumsy son Arthur gets put on a mission with St. Nick's father to give out a present, they misplaced to a young girl in less than two hours? Because it's about that, like, the Santa Claus tradition, which I appreciate, is something that's passed down within the family. So it's not since Santa Claus is one person is that they are a family that does this together. The clauses. Yes. Yes. Many clauses. Yeah. And I like the idea of it because I like Christmas.

Okay. I like Christmas. I like Christmas. I like Christmas too. I'm very fond of Christmas. Yeah, I got no problem with that. Jingle all the way. I'm going to go see Jingle all the way soon. Does your Jew Fiancee celebrate Christmas? Yeah. Does your Jew celebrate Christmas? Ju-once? I was trying to think of a good thing. way to meld it, but I really like Ju-Anse, if it's okay if I say that. I think you can say it, but I don't think I can say it. Okay, all right, Ju-Anse. Because it's also like Beyonce, and that's great.

He is, he grew up, like, going to their, I mean, they did Hanukkah, but then they, like, went to their friends' houses that had a tree for Christmas, and I think that maybe some years they had a tree. One of those things. Yeah, okay, so they weren't all weird about it. No, no, but, because, yeah, they weren't, uh, he went to, like, a very religious school, but his family wasn't super religious. Okay.

So, no. But he also, he puts up quite a fight when I want to put up the rotating fiber optic Christmas tree. You have a fiber optic? Well, it just has fiber optic strands coming out of it that change color as it rotates. I understand. It makes a noisy creaking sound as it rotates. That's great. All night.

All night. I never shut it off. It's up for three weeks straight. I put it up after. Thanksgiving, but Gideon is always very offended by it, by putting it up so early, but it's up. Yeah. I understand. Yeah.

Day after Thanksgiving, I immediately was playing Christmas music nonstop in my shop. Yeah, today after Thanksgiving, that's the rule. That's the rule. But also, man, I tell you, nobody sticks around when you play Christmas music all day long. No, they don't want to hang out. They don't want to hang out. And that's the thing. It's like, no, I can shut it off in my mind.

But you fucking can't. You're sitting here trying to work. You can't get any work done. Why don't you just leave? And it's great. I've finally learned. Yeah, that's probably good for a coffee shop that wants to keep the seat shop. Get him out of there.

How is Santa Claus 3 with Martin Short? It is wildly disappointing. I have seen it. You know what? I am going to throw it out there. I, no, this is hard for me to say. I enjoy the second one. Okay.

I liked the first one. The first one. It's fantastic. Yeah, the first one's great. The second one is a Stalin dictator-esque thing. And Marcus, you have to watch it because he is a dictator. The whole thing is that he has to find a Mrs. Claus or he can't stay Santa Claus. Right.

So he has to go back down to real world. But someone has to watch over everything. So they make this thing. They make another Santa Claus. But what the Santa Claus becomes is filled with power and, like, is really mean and is really And so he is basically, and he wears like a beret, he's got a sash on, that's why I like it. I might have seen Santa Claus 2. Santa Claus 2.

I might have seen it a couple years ago back home. It's, it is, I enjoy it. It is not for everybody. Santa Claus 3, it really is an abomination. And I love Martin Short. Is it Bernard that gets hungry with power? No. Bernard's the head elf, right?

Sexy, sexy Bernard. David Crumholz. Oh my God. I'm sure you probably had a, the, uh, the, crush on this man as well I loved him my entire life 10 things I hate about you He's also the nerd in Adam's family values

That falls in love with her at the camp Yeah David Krumholz He was the Jew for me My entire life Numbers I never give fuck about numbers But man I would stare at him

And I loved him as Bernard He's fucking hot as shit in Santa Claus He really is a little dumb hat. I just want to rip on his elf clothes. Fucking have his old shoes. Judge Reinhold, how's he? He's great.

He's exactly what he's supposed to be. He's a loser. Does he still have his weenie whistle? Did he got at the end of the first one? They don't bring back the ween whistle. But the problem is that it's the kid in it that I really can't fucking stand. Yeah, well, the kid always ruins everything. I always mix up the kid from, I always mix up this entire Santa Claus and jingle all the way.

But the kids from each. Jingle all the way. is a monument of Christmas. Yeah. That is a movie that I can't believe that it was made within our time frame. I know that Santa Claus was too, but I feel like we were really young when that came out. Jingle All the Way is a fantastic movie. Yeah?

I know we tried about this last week, but I could remember. It has Phil Hartman in it. It has a fucking Arnold Schwarzenegger in it. Yeah. Sinbad's in it. Yeah. Sinbad is so good. It's so good.

It's so good. Well, the premise behind the movie is that there's this, this toy. It's like that because it was kind of at the beginning of like how you have like the big toy that every kid has to get every year. So there's this big toy that both Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad are racing to get

both for their respective sons. And Sinbad's kind of no or is Sinbad just getting it for himself? He's just getting it. He's just, you know he wants it. He doesn't get to have a child of his own. And Phil Hartman is the creepy neighbor that is trying to Fuck Arnold Schwarzenegger's wife because

Arnold Schwarzenegger's never around. And that's Rita Wilson, who is Tom Hanks' his wife. And I love her. I love everything about that movie. What's interesting is that for the first time, I did realize that there is a jingle all the way too, and it is starring a one, Larry the Cable Guy.

Oh yeah, we did talk about this last. Who was also in It's a very Medea Christmas, which was my first Medea movie. I broke my Medea Hyman the other one. And I watched that movie. And? It's interesting. I think the whole thing is interesting.

I don't understand it. I think he's very funny as Medea, as an old woman, but it's just him in a southern accent. Yelling at people. Yelling at people. And the rest of the movie is just him shaming people. And everything is just weird. I didn't understand.

I was just like, so is this the Medea thing? That's what he does. Yeah. I feel like I have to. watch more now because I just makes people feel bad about themselves yeah and also it's like it was um it was larry the cable guy who was because basically the whole thing is that medea's sister and uh and went to go visit her daughter for christmas because she couldn't come home she is married to a white man oh yeah they don't know about it okay the white man's family comes and uh for christmas and is larry

the cable guy and it's also oh no um really putting our best foot forward on that one and Christiawe? Sister Act. Kathy Najimmy. Kathy Najimmy was his wife. Who has lost a bunch of weight. I'm so fucking happy for her. She looks really good.

And so it's like this whole thing where it's just like it wasn't funny necessarily. It was kind of just awkward and weird. So that's my review of very mid-year. Well, we'll be talking about many more Christmas movies throughout the coming weeks. It's time for the list. Yeah. Gotta have that list.

Highest earning women in music might not be what you think it is. Or who. Babs. Babs on the list. Babs ain't on it. I don't understand. Not currently. She is not on it.

This is currently. Currently. This is right now the women who took in the most income between June 2014 and June 2015 before management took their cut. They take a lot. They take a lot. Number six. Britney Spears still making an autonomous

made $31 million last year Off of old music? Off of no off of the planet Hollywood gig Go for her In Las Vegas Number five This is gonna surprise you

Beyonce's number five What? Who beats her? No Oh yeah Beyonce's number five Number four Lady Gaga Because of the Tony Bennett thing

Oh is Does that include like American Horror Story I think this is just their concerts like live concerts. Apparently she's bangerang in American Horror Story. Yeah? Yeah. I mean I haven't watched any of this season. I don't give a fuck but

I feel like I should because apparently she's very good. Good for her. Go for her. Go for her. But yes, this is music sales and tours. So they're really just good looking at how much they make music there. See, number four is Lady Gaga. Number three, Jackie, you'll like this one. Fleetwood Mac. No.

It's because Christine K. came back for the tour. That's right. Oh, my, because they added all those tour dates on because Christine hadn't performed with them for like 20 years, who was obviously the fourth of Fleetwood Mac because of all they're falling out. And I did get to see them. I was fucking talked about this.

It was fantastic. Of course. They made a million dollars per city in that tour. Good for them. Every show was sold out. Oh, it's so deserved. I can't even believe they performed without her. Yeah.

I mean, I love a Stevie. You know I'm die-hard. Steve, but I just, but Christine is, is, you know, she's the mold. Yeah, truly is. The mold that you can't breathe without. Did you mean to say mold or do you mean to say like glue? Like the mold that you pour the clay in. Okay.

All right. Or does this clay in? Oh, did they break it? Yeah, they broke. They broke the mold, but she was the, then they re-mold. They put it together again and poured it back in. But if she's the mold, wouldn't that make it? it easier to make more of her?

No, no, no, because they broke it. Only one mold. Only one mold. And then together they made a new mold. Based on the old mold. It was identical to the old mold. But it was better. Better.

Yeah, it was better this time. Number two is Taylor Swift? Oh, of course. Yeah. Of course she would. You know, I was down for, no, I'm not down fine. Not down for him? I'm not down for any more.

You were down for Taylor? For a bitch. I was down for her. Because, you know, she was down for. plays her fucking, she strums or strums, and she did write her music for a bit, so I gave her props for that. And now I'm a thousy, no-go. Earned 80 million last year.

Yeah, she would. Ooh, is it, it's not Katie Perry, who's number one? Number one? It's Katie Perry. Yeah, number one. She brought in $135 million last year, $2 million per city. That is, I'm surprised to hear that she is still touring so strong after that one year of tours about which that documentary was made.

126 shows she did last year. I think it's interesting too, though. Tireless. This does not include this past month of Adele being in because she just broke a bunch of fucking records with dropping this new album. Well, she'll be in next year's list. I love her so much. She can do no wrong in my eyes.

Yeah, I agree with you. Thank you. She's great. I got no problem with her. She's great. I got, yeah, with Adele, I got no problem with her. I understand it's not music for everybody, but I just really respect her. Do you know that she also, it's like in this downtime,

everyone's like giving her all the shit because she took four years before this album. Because she starts off writing all of her stuff. Of course, when I talk to my significant other, he's immediately like, well, she doesn't write it alone. You know, she doesn't write all of it. Of course she doesn't write it all alone. She has to give it to produce and stuff, but she starts it off writing. But she was also one of the writers on Skyfield.

Fall. Yeah. That, like, one, an Oscar in between the two albums. Yeah. Oh, she wasn't working hard enough. Oh, she had a kid. I'm so fucking sorry. She had a kid?

Yeah. What? With her hot boyfriend. I mean, he's not hot for everybody, but he's hot for me. Take some time off. It's fine for a musician to take a few years between albums. She had a huge throat surgery, too, because she had all those, like, nodules on her throat.

Yeah. Polips. Mm-hmm. We know about those, Molly. Pallips. Mm-hmm. Well, it's a short list. So we're time for blind items now.

Yeah, we can't see up. Oh, this first one, these are, oh, these are so juicy. These are so juicy. This first one, it only took a couple of days apart from each other to see this A-list singer-slash-part-time reality star cheating on his new singer-girlfriend. He told a woman that the relationship was all for show while he was hitting on her this whole week. I've been seeing this in the tabloids, and I really, really, I don't. I didn't want to bring it up.

I don't want to bring it up. I'm so sad. Gwen and Blake, it's a farce. It's a scam. It can't be a farce. It can't be a farce. They're made for each other. They found each other. In the wake of divorces, they found each other.

So why do they scam us? They scammed us by saying that they're in love, that they're hanging out, that they're doing shit. They're just trying to get things up. And you know what? Miranda Lambert's not doing good. Why? She's not doing good. She says it's real hard.

She said she's been spending a lot of time on her porch, drinking, whiskey and crying. Well, saying, man, this sucks. Gavah. She's doing it. She's getting through it. Yeah, she'll rid it out of that. Blake Shelton's out there holding hands with those hussies.

I just want, in my brain, I want Miranda Lampert to break up Sturgle Simpson and his wife, and then she could be with Sergill Simpson. Oh, no. Sturgle Simpson deserves better than Miranda. I know, but I just want her to have better, though. You know, and he's so beautiful. He's a good-looking guy, and he's got a great soul as well. He does.

Great, I mean, just wonderful music. Sergio Simpson's a wonderful country musician. He's like the best country musician playing right now. Okay. Yeah, he's wonderful. Have one of the best albums the last year. It's a fantastic album. It's a wonderful album.

But yeah, Miranda, she's saying she's not doing too great. She's not dating anybody. She's hanging out. But apparently Blake Shelton, he's hanging out a little bit too much, this whole Gwen Stefani thing. I don't like it. Well, she's got all those horses. You know, she doesn't have time. Oh, Miranda's got all those horses.

Miranda got all the horses in the divorce. So I feel like it's like she can find She's got to be bopping some kind of stable boy. Oh, yeah. I think it's just one of those like Lady Chatterley. Is that her name? Lady Chatterley's lover? Yeah, just like in my head.

I mean, I don't want to ever fucking any kind of hay. But I imagine just a man that takes care of your horses that's got a strong but soft hand able to brush the horse. able to feed him, able to take care of them. Mm-hmm. How do you not suck his dick? You know? If you're single, newly divorced?

Suck his dick. Yeah, man. Fucking go down on the stable boy. And you know they're young. Make horse noises. Have him. No. It's more of a horse ghost.

Why did you shoot me in the head? Yeah, you know what, man, now that I'm looking last time we talked about this I fell on the side of Gwen Stefani now that I'm looking at the photos side by side cuteness goes because Gwen Stefani's looking a little plastic these days she's looking a little too Barbieish for me. She has been popular for such a long time. How is she not going to be plastic though? Yeah.

I mean, that's what I understand. I mean, we didn't get to talk about this but she's got the plastic eyes. She does, yeah. But also, again, she's in her fucking 40s. She has to do it. No, I mean, like, her eyes have been replaced. Oh, with plastic. Her actual eyeballs are not organic material.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I could see that. She's got weird arms. She's got Madonna arms. Roopy. Roopy, stringy skeleton. But at the same time, it's like, you got to find somebody on that same level as you, right? Got to. I mean, you got Bay and Jay-Z.

It's like, that's what you're looking for. Well, she had that with. Kevin Rossdale, I thought. At least in like 1994. When they were first getting together, when they first got together, yeah, I think he was still putting out Razor Blade suitcase with Bush. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you know, they're not making monkey CGI videos right now.

Yeah, right. That's true. He is not at the top of the list. I implore you to watch the video. I don't understand why they made it. I don't get it. Why did they do it? Monkeys.

I really can't believe that Coldplay is even still banned, to be honest. I thought that we were done with that. I don't get it. I just got a little bit of gossip about Gavin what he's thinking about Gwen's crocodile tears on the voris. He is, quote, so over it. Good for him. Good for him. He doesn't buy it.

And they've got those good-looking children. He's going to do fine. I mean, I wonder, does he get money from her? her? Probably, right? Does he get money from her? Probably not. You don't think so? I doubt it. Because they have to do, what is it? Is it alimony? When there's, like, not

talking about the kids, like, keeping your standard of living? Seriously, Doug, Gavin Rostell got alimony. Yeah, interesting. Is alimony genderless? Hmm? Is alimony genderless? It's supposed to be, but 99% of the cases it's not. Uh-huh. Yeah. Real housewives,

yeah. Real housewives. They get that alimony. Man, they fucking do it. It's just so smart. I think it's just such a great idea. If you could just stick it out for a few years, man, and you make a bunch of money. I never have to see him ever again. Yeah, you can just get rid of him,

and he has to pay for your lifestyle. Forever. For the rest of your life. Until you get married again. That's why you're trying to not get married. Yeah, you don't get married again. Otherwise, he's just bankrolling your whole horrible existence. I just feel like I did everything wrong.

You know, it's like real love, all this. Molly, how do you feel about Alibati? Yeah, like with your wedding coming up and all this stuff, it's like, I mean, did you do it wrong? You're getting that lawyer money, though. Oh, not my honor. No, he's a good person. You're getting that public defender lawyer money. Getting that $700 per case.

Yeah, I am not marrying into money. I'm marrying into negative money. But despite that being wrong, I feel like I'm doing the love part right. I know, and that's the problem. It's like, oh, you raise it. Like, oh, you should marry for love. But you know what? It sucks.

Oh, yeah. Because I ain't got horses. I'm not jerking off somebody in a stable. I'm never going to have horses. I mean, maybe one day you could have a horse. Maybe one day. Maybe. Way in the future.

We can get a horse and all three of us could share it. Oh, what are we going to name them? Probably Princess Jackie. As long as you guys are okay with it, I'm not going to do anything or ride the horse or anything. I just want to name it Princess Jack. We'll have to do all the cleaning of the food. Yeah, you have to do everything. else.

As long as I get to fuck the stable boy for once in a while. That's fine. Well, that's what the stable boy's for. He cleans all the shit up.

You get to fuck him. We get to ride the horse. Yeah, we'll ride the horse. I'll ride the horse. I'll ride the horse. And then I'll ride by you guys and wait. Is there a porch where I can drink?

Yes, yeah. We'll have a porch and also I'm just to be like, stable boy, can you lift me up onto the princess Jackie? And it'll be like,

ma'am, you're too big and voluptuous. I'm like, I guess you better put your penis in my mouth. All right, our last blind items, it's a twofer. It's two blind items.

Same subject. This very famous actor was recently at a film festival with his actress wife. The area is thick with spas. And the actor was overheard trying to convince his wife to stay an extra night

because he wanted to book some spa services like a facial scrub and a Hot stone massage. She just gave him a stone cold look and said, No. Perhaps she thinks he's hit his lifetime quota for massages? No way.

Can Kelly Preston be considered an actress at this point? I think she can, but John Tra is begging her. Just let me stay one more night. Just let me stay one more night. Why did she take him to an area with spots? Honestly, I'm not trying to blame her. No, keep him away from planes, keep them away from spas. Those are the things you keep them away from.

Jims. Jims. If anybody out there doesn't know, John Trau is well known for hitting on men in massage parlors. That's his whole thing as far as hitting on dudes. It's massage parlors, guys in gyms. Co-pilots. Co-pilots. But he's got a new scam going on.

Listen to this blind item. This married A-plus. list, mostly movie actor, has discovered Hollywood's newest version of a rub and tug spray tans. Get naked, get quote unquote rubbed,

and then get a spray tan so no one is the wiser. Our actor is getting tanned at least twice a week. Okay, so somebody is the wiser because nobody needs to get tanned. But where does the rub come in? Like, I don't get where the rub

before the spray. Before the spray. Before the spray. You go in, you get the rub, or you get the tug. You get the tug, and then you get the spray. Tug and spray. Tug and spray. Oh, God. And then it's, too, tug and spray spray.

Yeah, double the spray. The old tugging spray spray. Man, I just want to see how tan he is. Yeah, his penis is so tan. So tan. His whole. Oh, he's brown. He's a brown man right now.

They usually put a sock on a dick, though, right? The spray tan? Yeah. A white. Did they put a sock on the cock? Maybe not. I guess I know when you lay down in the beds, you get sock on the cock. But I maybe not in the spray.

Yeah, because it get burned. Because the veins and the skin's so thin. Yeah, you don't want to fuck with those sorts of things. No, no. The spray is very upsetting, though. Have you guys ever had a spray tan? No. It sounds extremely upsetting.

I've used that lotion that has tan that sweats when you sweat. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's just so wet. The weird part is the bottom of your feet in the spray tan. You lift a butt? Well, no, you don't. But it all pools of the bottom.

So, like, the bottom of your feet are like dark, dark, dark, and really, really gross. So every time you're in the shower, it's like you can't get it off. So it's just on there for a while. But the spray tan is really weird because you've got to stand there and let it dry. And then you get out. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's a good opportunity for a bonus tuck. Yeah, but it's usually in like a clear kind of thing.

Uh-huh. Hmm. Well, I went to tantalk.com. It's the tanning salon business owners community. And one person said we've owned, this is from Jim and I tanning. They're over here on the East Coast. They said, we've only ever had one man asked to be sprayed nude, and I sprayed them as I'm the owner.

I definitely wouldn't allow any of my employees to do it. Go for. Yeah, and then vanity tan came right back and said, like, what do you do it? Everybody needs to be tan. We spray bodybuilders, dancers, gymnasts, fitness models, porn stars. Are you professionals? They are. They deserve to be tanned all over.

Yeah, but at the same time, like, porn stars, I mean, they can also wear a fucking, what is it, Girkin. GERCIN? Go GERCIN? Yeah, right? The porn star? I would be so worried about the spray going up inside my booge. You know what I mean? Well, they do talk about mucus membranes a little bit.

I don't want any mucus membranes. You have mucus... Well, it doesn't have it out of the floor. It doesn't shoot up into your vagina, does it? No, and just sprays around you. I had panties on. Okay. Well, they might just put, like, a piece of tape over your lips.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. On your opening. Good, solid piece of tape on my opening. That's what I want. Can you want to be safe on my opening? I can't apply it, but can you want it? I've heard you say so many gross things. Marcus, for some reason, that really takes the cake.

It's really disgusting. Just strip a tape on your opening. Oh, oh, oh. It's much worse than gash. It's like opening is pretty disgusting. You know what I'm talking about. Unfortunately, I do. Yeah, I have an opening.

That's all we have for this week's page seven. It's been a wonderful one. It's been a gross one. It's been Christmas filled. And we're going to have plenty of Christmas. week's to come. Oh, we've got a lot of press. We're going to fall on our way through the season. I think you might luck. We love you, Olivia. For more shows like the one you just listen to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.