Page 7 - Episode 146: A Very Slutty Christmas

Episode Date: December 16, 2015

Marcus, Jackie and Molly discuss modern Christmas music, favorite Christmas movies, and celebrity performance art. Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Everyone getting here now. Everybody, everybody come here. Ooh, what's that? I don't know. I like it. It's a new jam by Markey. Oh, man, Maki Maki is going out. Not that Markey Mark, Mark, but lesser known, but much better looking, Marky Marks.

I'm going to throw it out there. Throw it out there. I'll catch it. I'll put up my pocket. I'll take it on. I think it's definitely because of the Walburgers. The Wall Burger has definitely made me really severely. Disliked them.

Welcome to page seven, everybody. Jackie dislikes the Walburrs. All of them. No, not the sweet one. Not the oldest one. Donnie? No, not Donnie. I like Donnie in terms of hotness better than Marky.

Oh, you're talking about hotness. Yeah. You were right to say you would. Receding hairline is tragic. Yeah. Young Donnie. Okay, young Donnie, yes. I'll take young Donnie.

Hotter than young Marky. Yeah. Yeah. I'm trying to think in my head. I just keep seeing old Donnie, so it's hard to really to get it out of there. Let me look up a picture of young Donnie Wahlberg. I mean, you can really, I mean, oh, soul batch alert. Sol batch alert.

Did he always have a zolpatch? So, soul, so, soul, bad. Man, I have a friend who is on one of those Tinder kind of things, and she showed me a picture of somebody that that said that they liked her or whatever and it was a dude I'm not gonna say his name although it's very funny his facial

his only facial hair was so let's say you're smiling right and let's say pretend like you have an extra lip your lip it was like a big it was a half moon underneath his lip and if he had another one

on top it would have looked like he had like a lip burger on a hair button. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but you can say his first name, right? Schlemmy! His name was Schlemmy, and he had a Schlemmy on his face. And I just imagine every time he got called,

he's like, you want to kiss my shlemmy? You want to kiss my shlemmy? So you say it's like a smile underneath his smile. Does it like retract when he's not smiling? I don't know, because all the pictures of him smiling, but it was just such a, such an unfortunate shape

of a facial hair. But also, who is I don't know. Like a pencil thin, like a pencil thin. No, thick. Like thick. But just underneath. Like, and it ended at what? Soul patch range?

Soul patch range. That was the top of the crescent moon. So it's like, so the edge of, like the hypotenuse of the great crescent moon went right underneath his lip. And then the circle part dipped underneath. To soul patch territory. Your imagery is fantastic. Well, I'm trying to get, you know, really describe it because my head, I just can't. Get the picture out of it.

He's got a dippy lip. Is that? My hairy dippy lip. You want to give a kiss under the mistletoe? My hair dippy lip. My lip. My lip. You're right.

It's a hairy dippy lip. I'm going to go on the second day with him. He gave me the hairy dipping lip. Oh, well, that would be nice, though. Yeah. I feel like, though, it's just, I think that the name of the facial hair was shlammy and not his actual name. That's all I can think. Oh, my God.

And I was like, I, you know, I hate to say it. Thank God I'm not single in my 30s. Yeah, well, it says actually Schlemmy, Urban Dictionary says that it's the itchy, scratchy, annoying feeling in the back of your throat that you just can't get rid of. I don't know if I've ever had that I just drink a glass of water. Yeah. But it says it's my neck is killing me. I've had the Schlimmy for about three weeks now. That's not a real.

That's not a real. A shlemy is a hairy, dippy lip as far as I'm doing. And I'm going to get an urban dictionary and write a fucking entry. No, that's just somebody pranking us on Urban Dictionary. It's a goof, as they say. Yeah, don't trust that. It's a real shitty goof, yes, me. Fuck that goof.

I just want to know if it's like, you know, how there's, like, tattoos that when you flex at something and then when you attract it, I want to know what happens when you stop smiling. Does it turn even thicker? That or imagine it gets like billowy? Yeah, like a sheet. Like a flag that gets put together. If it's stretched, it is one shape, then when you put it a little bit in, it's all creased up. Yeah. Yeah, he's like those lizards that they're a little things flash out when they want to mate.

Yeah. And you've ever seen all the dick tattoos, like they're the dick tattoos that like when they're hard, they look like something else? Like a dragon. The dragon one is the best one. Yeah, that was a pretty good one. That's a good idea. Yeah, I mean. It is as much, you know, it's not a good idea, but it's also a creative idea.

It still just will forever blow my mind. It's like, so I imagine you probably take something to stay hard, but how do you stay hard if your dick is getting tattooed? Yeah. I would imagine a lot of Viagra. I think a lot. It's also possible they put a rod in there. Oh.

Like that scene in Deadwood? It's called sounding. Well, yeah, I mean, that was not necessarily a rod. Those were clamps. Reached in that you're talking about when Doc went in and took Swear engines, kidney stones? Yeah, yeah. That was quite disturbing. Yeah.

And we couldn't pass him. Couldn't pass him. He needed help. Shoot two small. all. Gotta make cheat bigger. God, kidney stones. I don't even want to think about it.

Yeah. I think I just saw recently somebody that was like a, I don't know if it's a spam article. So the thing is, is I'm friends with bone thugs and harmony on Facebook. Good. Because when I made my, when I made my Facebook profile, when I was 17 years old, I put one of my likes is bone thugs in harmony. So now they follow me and it comes up. And their feeds are all run by these like, they're still doing it? Oh yeah, yeah, but it's run by this like social media thing of like, so it's all like, I can't believe he did that.

And I think someone recently. SMH. Yeah, it's all of that. And it's all just like, this man raped this baby to death. And then he got raped to death in prison. Sounds like somebody deserved it. And it's like that kind of stuff. Yeah, I hate those internet things.

But it's like, bomb thugs in harmony. Break, break down. No, that's Mariah Carey. What is it? I don't know how to feel. I mean, I enjoy it. Are the lights connected to the music? Oh, that's just your mind.

Getting in tune. What are you playing? What are you doing to us? Can you give us acid? Oh, my God, Bali. We're ready to do the podcast of our fucking lives, man. All the Christmas lights are going in here. They're all a speckling and a speckling.

Yeah, just for listeners, there are Christmas lights blinking in a version of Crossroads. Tell me what you want. You know, it still touches my heart, though. It's such a beautiful song. The music video is fantastic. Oh, yeah, of course. It's just a good song.

It's a great song. It's a good song. It's just that they didn't write any other song. They just took this song and then rewrote it. It's a good song. They also have first of the month. Yeah, but isn't that like the same? same like song.

I mean, they're not a diverse group. I don't know why I said I like them on Facebook. I think I was trying to be diverse. First of the month is also a good song. Yes. Yeah. I mean, right. Musical variety is, we don't need it from everybody. What they're doing, they're doing it well. But it does

still move me. Just like that Kulio song, I'll see you when you get there from a similar time period. Oh, yeah. It's a good song. Still brings a little glisten to my eye. You ever heard a six feet deep by the ghetto boys? I don't know. Very similar song. Yeah. Yeah. Similar vibe. Yeah, but they sample Sunday morning by the Commodores.

It's a beautiful song. All right, I'll listen to that. They pour one on the block, son. Oh, yeah. You've been talking about pouring one out a lot lately. You've been listening to, what is it called? Not really sure, but it has been on the mind. I think that you've texted my significant other few pictures of pouring things out.

He keeps talking about porn. He's like, you got poor one out. I was like, stop saying. You got too much booze. He's trying to just pull one out. That was like in respect to somebody. I pour it down and then he poured one back. And then I was like, oh, but I was like, man, you know, I can't make it out tonight.

I got a tooth pull, but pour one out for me. And he pour one out. But I thought you do it when somebody's dead. My tooth dead. Tooth dead. Pull one out. That's what I like to hear. That's true.

You can pour one out for a tooth. Oh, I love that song. I keep saying Breakdown. That's the Mariah Carey song. I'm gone. He's an A. You know. I sang it a hundred times.

I can't. I'm confused in how you're mixing up a bone thugs in harmony and a Mariah Carey. I'm going to go ahead on a limb and say, I think that bone thugs in harmony sang the break, break down, instead of breaking me off down. I think maybe. Marcus is looking up right now, and I could be a big goof coo. Yep. It's actually bone thugs in harmony featuring Mariah Carey.

Wow. That's why I can't. Oh my God, my brain is miraculous. I take all of my judgment back away. My brain is miraculous sometimes. You know, you just pull it and you hope. And that's why I kept singing it. You just pour booze into it.

And then you pour one out. And everything's doing good, baby. This is a full-on breakup song. Yeah, that song is so, I mean, we've definitely listened to it on this before. Don't ever want to feel no pain. I love that song. Open for the song, but it looks like grain. Rain, rain, rain, rain, rain.

I don't know, I've never heard the song, I'm just reading the lyrics. You've heard the song. In God yesterday, you basically say that you care for me but that you're just not in love. Immediately, I'm really timidly when you never can. You just walk away from love. I'm not going to keep going because I can't Mariah the song. You can't Mariah at a song? You know, I just am never going to be here.

I'm never going to be Adele. Those kinds of songs, you just have to be quiet. Yeah. I remember this music video and it would be on empty. It was the same kind of time. Right. I didn't realize it was featuring Mariah Carey, though. Yeah.

I don't know why I think it's the Voleech's comedy. I love a song. Going to extremes. Yeah. Both dogs and harmony had a good thing, though. They did okay, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Turn out all the lights, man, and I break down inside. We've all been there. Speaking unrelatedly a little bit, diverting to another diva, did you last week recommend a Whitney Houston Christmas something? Yes. Which one? Do you remember? No, I do.

Is it do you what I hear? Oh, yeah. That's what I knew you had Recommended a song that I like A Christmas song that I like And that it was Whitney Houston But that I couldn't remember what it was Because it's got the gospel choir

Do you hear what I hear? I love that song What about the Christmas song? Just straight up the Christmas song The problem is It's just That's actually a The Christmas song

Like it's they named it the Christmas song Yeah Yeah The problem with diva Christmas song The problem with Diva Christmas albums, which I have been finding because I've been listening to a lot of them, is that some of them are just not good and that's okay. Yeah, some of them are just too much like,

and it's too much. Like all of Mariah Carey, I enjoy it. Some of the songs are iffy, but I enjoy it. Whitney, I love. Arefa, not good. Too much. And, you know, it's hard for me to say. Yeah, I've never heard you say those words together.

It's just not good. Well, you know what? Right now, you know, we're doing it a little bit early and we'll get to some other stuff so. But I think it's time for the list. What? Oh, the list. Who's on the list? Because this week's list is most played Christmas songs in retail.

Great. Okay. Is it all the old classics, though? Actually, not really. I'll bet that it's all that friggin Mariah Carey song and that other stupid one that I hate. Well, Mariah. carries all I want for Christmas is you has been number one since

1994. Has to be. No longer. Has been replaced by that band responsible for so much mediocrity. The Shins singing wonderful Christmas time an oft-mocked Paul McCartney song.

I have not heard the Shins Virgin, virgin. Norst, do I want to? Iced. do not want to either. I like the Ball McCartney version. What's wrong with it?

Many people have mocked it. They say it's like one of Paul McCartney's worst post-Beatles song. It's silly. It's just a silly song. Everyone mocks everything Paul's done after the Beatles, though. Oh, no. Wings was great. Not wings.

Everything else. I don't do love wings. I think it's a still. There's a lot of fucking dumb Christmas songs. Yeah. What fucking Christmas song you finding that's being played in an apartment store and being like, this is not dumb? They're all dumb.

I mean, even it's like, It's silly, it's fun, it's different Yeah I'll take it I mean it looks pretty cool My problem is that like I know this is terrible And I think this is the 15 year old to me

Happy Christmas Wars Over Is still one of my favorite Yeah and it's also the 50 A wonderful Christmas time Oh yeah this is fun Simply having A wonderful Christmas time Yeah I like this

But I can totally imagine the Shins doing it Yeah, and I also don't want to hear the shins ruin it Because, you know, do the shins have Dudley Moore in their fucking video? I don't think so. Yeah, no, that is a fun song. I didn't even put that on my radar for songs I like. That's super fun. What's interesting for Christmas music is trying to use Shazam or one of those apps

Because I heard a Christmas song, and it was four adults, and we were trying to figure out what song it was, and it was, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-merer Christmas. So we're all singing it into the fucking app, trying to find out what song it was. It was. We found it.

The waitresses. Yeah. I know our boys are. Oh. I know what boy's. This song is so long. That's a Christmas song? The only good...

No, that's just what the waitresses are known for. I see. It's called wrapping paper. Christmas wrapping. Christmas rapping. It's number four on the list. Is it really? Yeah.

But the song is very long and very boring in between the Matter of Christmas. Matter of Christmas. I don't even know what they say. Singing into Shazam is one of my favorite pastimes, but it has yet to yield me an answer. It's six minutes and 42 seconds long. It is too long.

It's all this. Okay, yeah, Tom Tom Blondie, 1981. Yeah, okay. I don't think I've ever heard this one. If you heard this part. I know you're marrying a Jew, but you have to know this song. I thought you were going to say, but you'd have to play this at your wedding. No, don't play this at your wedding.

Please God don't. It's a minute and a half in. I don't think the chorus has come around. No, that's the thing. That's the thing about the song. Let's try scrubbing. See, they fake you out. They, maybe, maybe it's it?

Nope. Not it. It's a musical intro. Two minutes and 15 seconds in. Let's scrub a head a little bit. This one, I remember. Something, something, something. That because of the...

Christmas. Does something? Something. Let me hear. Let me hear. Maybe I get just... Maybe I'll be the Christmas one this year. That doesn't...

What? Is that what they're saying? Maybe I'll be the Christmas one this year. Maybe I'll be the Christmas one this year. Too many words too short a space. Not enough chorus. All around. Christmas.

I think I want more bridge than Corr. Anything else. The bridge is good. It's around the same as like TomTom Club, wordy rapping hood. It's like when, you know, like Falco was doing Derkommissar, all sorts of weird, like, rapy things going on at that time. That's not a rapy. Yeah, that's what rap. That was considered rap in 1981, Christmas rapping.

And do you get it? Do you get it? I was wondering if that was a pun. Christmas rapping. Do you get it? That's not a rap I've heard a hip hopper before Yeah

Yeah Yeah I'm not I'm in my nightmare Yeah no That was considered rap back then Yeah Rap was awful

In its early inception It was like Rubipapoo Do you See like I've heard that part of Yeah But that's how white people did it Like it was like

Ribby de rap rap rap A rap rap Like M and M Yeah And then it was like With that It was like It's like

It's like, it was just talking. It was all the same. It's just talking going high than going low. Yeah, it's pretty much the same all across cultures in the early days of hip-hop. Six minutes and 40-something seconds. Yeah. It's just white people just rapped about Christmas, like, you know, black people. Black people rapped about like the struggles of living in the inner city.

White people wrapped about Christmas. It's a Christmas rap. It's a Christmas rap. It's a Christmas rap. We can rap too. It's Christmas rap. It's a Christmas Christmas. Bye, a rapping album.

Yeah, Mommy. And then also there was also wordy rapping hood by the TomTom Club, which was just a rap about a girl who can rap. That was also seven minutes long. I did listen to Christmas in... Christmas and Hollis? Christmas in Queens. I kept on and say Harlem, but I know. Run DMC, yeah.

That's a good Christmas song. That's a good Christmas song. Ain't the top ten, though. Of course not. Not on a retail list. What it's all on the list? Number three, Christina Aguilera, Christmas time. Another diva that's just the little too.

Eh. It's like too much. Honey, you ain't an angel. And I know that the angels sing like that. And usually your voice is beautiful and yet angelic. It's too, you know what it is? Christina Aguilera? Slutty Christmas.

Yeah, super slutty. It's dirty, slutty Christmas. This is Target Christmas. Yeah. And then I got to be. present and then you get a present and I'm a kiss you because I'm a daughter's slut Christmas girl. It's just too sexy.

I mean, I say it every year. I hate Santa Baby. I hate anything sexy sexy when it comes to Christmas. Yeah, no sexy. And you know what her albums call? My kind of Christmas. It's slutty. Yeah, her kind of Christmas is super slutty.

Blow job Christmas. Blow job Christmas. You really keep the holiday holy, Jackie. You got to, man. Somebody's got it. Might as well be Jackie. somebody's got to just keep all the sluts out of Christmas the sluts out of Christmas that's for the day after Christmas

that's for New Year's New Year's is for sluts Sluts have a great time at New Year's Everybody gets banged So I assume you don't like all the slutty Mrs. Claus is at Santa Con then Yuck Or the slutty reindeer's No I mean slutty rangers are kind of fun I feel like if I was going to dress like a slutty reindeer

I would have a tight suit with my breasts cut out And so that the breasts would be like nipples on the reindeer's, but then I would hoove at people. So the only thing I would show would be my breasts and I'd be like, you want some Christmas milk? And that's what I'd say to people. You want? Yeah. Do you want some Christmas milk? Give it to me in a song.

Do you want some Christmas milk? I'm going to hoof over to you, you beautiful boy. Or girl Or girl Whichever you're into It's Christmas Slutty Christmas We're not only

heterosexual here It's funny Christmas We're an all-inclusive Slutty Christmas All sexuality's welcome Oh yeah man Fucking ring a ding Ding ding on my asses

Next time is Jack Johnson someday at Christmas Have you ever heard this? I actually heard it today Because I Was I threw on

Did you throw on Have you been Spotify and? I threw on that I found a Christmas playlist That was like top Christmas But it wasn't top Christmas It was a lot of weird Christmas Like fucking Charlotte Church

Ugh I hate Charlotte church And I never want to hear Her fucking voice Well, she's not on the top ten. Thank Christ. But the Jack Johnson one was nice.

You know, it was nice. It's nice. He's nice. I've been taught that I have to respect Jack Johnson because he's a very good guitar player. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's nice. He's fine.

It sounds like what I would be drinking a beer in my hometown sweating on Christmas Day and listening to this song. It's very, it's very, retail, it's what, it's 12-year-old girls that are rubbing and out on Christmas. Being like, I hope one day somebody kisses me. Which is what happened to watch fucking love actually. It all comes back. Man, I still haven't watched Love Actually because I can't get people to watch it with me.

I watch it by myself, as you should. Yeah. Everyone should just watch. If you're going to try and watch it, because I watch it, I'm like, this movie, I know it's dumb. And then I watch it and I get immediately transported back to being in high school, being like, no one's ever going to love me. I know. I can't.

And also, it's like. I feel the same way. It brings it all back. It does. I feel the same way. I have a completely, when I'm not watching it, I know exactly why it's all bullshit. And then the minute I'm watching it, I'm just like, when Kira Knightley finds out that he's in love with her. And then he leaves the house and the Dido song starts, which I loved Dido at the time.

It's black flag. Oh, it's not. A white friend? No, not that Dino song. The other Dido song. I can't breathe And now you're resting here with me I won't go

I can't her And you're just like He loves her That's why he was mean to her He loves her That movie would be 100% less shitty If all of the genders were reversed And the women could identify

With the unrequited loving person Because all the unrequited loving people are men so it makes it really creepy But as a girl I was like I've got unrequited love I am identifying with a shitty man here. But at the same time, I can't think of her name right the second. The one that Professor Snape and his wife in it, that whole storyline.

Oh, Emma Thompson. Emma Thompson. Alan Rickman is a heartbreaker. A heartbreaker. Yeah. Heartbreaker. You're crying right now. I'm not crying right now.

And they play both sides now. He gets her fucking Joni Mitchell CD, which as Lindy West pointed out in her write-up of love, actually. She surely already owns because we've established a Joni Mitchell is her favorite band. Don't get her a best of the Joni Mitchell CD. It's a gesture. That's what's wrong with people like Lindy West. It's an empty gesture. It's a gesture. He had bought a necklace and she found the necklace

and she was excited because he never got her anything nice like that and he was giving it to his fucking whore assistant. Yeah, and then he got his wife a Joni Mitchell CD because like 10 minutes earlier in the movie she was like, I like Johnny Mitchell. He's an idiot. And so she listens to all of both sides now and crumbed. because she's a fantastic actress as she realizes what's going on

and that scene is a good scene. Yeah, she acts the hell out of that movie as does Liam Neeson. Everyone else. Hugh Grant, though, I'll take a liquor too. Still, only in that movie. Only in that movie.

That's the only liquor two you're taking from Hugh Grant? Ooh, he does this dumb dance. He's the fucking prime minister. Oh, Prime Minister. He sticks to Billy Bob Thornton. And it's all about sexual harassment workplace sexual harassment because he's like I want to bang my secretary so then he fires her

Plumpy. I mean sometimes if you love him you gotta let him go. You gotta let him go. You gotta let him go. Sorry, I'm talking about love actually. I know, but I believe, I is, you know what he mean, though. We've got a yearly quota in.

I'm saying, I'm saying that I completely agree with you, there are a hundred million things to point about how stupid that movie is, but I still get emotionally transported. That's why I watch it by myself. Yeah. No judgment. I don't have to hear fucking shit about anybody. I don't have to hear the, wow.

Oh, why did she in love with you? Oh, fucking, and I hate Karen Knightley, and I even like her in the movie. Mm-hmm. Next up, Kelly Clarkson, underneath the tree. I know this song? I refuse to accept Kelly Clarkson as a Christmas singer. Why? I don't like the Christmas album.

What's wrong with this? This is actually nice. I like Kelly Clarkson. I like Kelly Clarkson, too. I like her. I guess I was forced to listen to the whole album by someone said, Kelly Clark's an album, best Christmas album. I listened to the whole thing, and I was just like, hmm, it's good?

It's fine. I like it. All these songs sound the same, though. If you put that right next to that Christina Aguilera one, I couldn't have picked one out of the lineup. Yeah. But this is all that band, da, da, da, da, da, da, nah, nah, nah, nah, ma. And you like it. It's Christmas.

Yeah, that's Christmas for you. Who's the originator, the original person who did that, friggin, I also, I know this is going to be an unpopular opinion here, but I hate it. That one that's like, last Christmas, you gave me my heart. That's wham. I don't really care about that sign. That's wham? Yeah.

Which song? Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. But the very next day, you gave it away. That's wham. That might make me feel different about it. It's all of the album, Music from the Edge of Heaven. Oh, ye. I don't know this song's fine

Yeah I'll accept it I won't shut it off I feel like it's very popular Like I feel like it's the number two I would have guessed that would be number two After Mariah Carey. It ain't even on the list

Really Is this one we're talking about here? But maybe is there a shitty cover of it Like some shitty divo cover it? I'm sure I'm sure there is Oh I think there is a cover of it I think Taylor Swift does a cover of it

Oh yeah that's what you know So I feel like I know some shitty modern version And I do not realize The Taylor Swift version. Yeah, you got to do... She's a slut for Christmas. Yeah, that's another song. It's like, it's been a year.

Doesn't surprise me. You don't recognize mine, man. Oh, yeah, but that's a sad breakup Christmas song. It is. I have a crossover. Breakup's on Christmas song. Well, I think that that's the thing. You should know what you are getting,

what reaction is being elicited from you when it comes to a Christmas thing. You're either sad, you're happy or it's a solid mixture of both. Better sweet is what they call it. That's why I know I keep bringing up the Bill Murray Christmas thing, but I finally put my finger on it why I feel weird about it. Not that I dislike it, it said I didn't know how to feel afterwards. Yeah, you don't want to feel ambivalent after a Christmas special.

Yeah, because I didn't feel either way. It's not that I was angry about it. Right. It was just like, okay. Generally, you want it to be good. Yeah, Christmas special makes you feel good. Yeah. Yeah, special.

Yeah, loving, festive. A movie, you can go either way on that as far as how a Christmas movie makes you feel, but a special should make you feel good. I haven't watched Family Stone yet either. I'm saving that for another by myself afternoon. But I feel like all the Christmas movies are supposed to be like, by the end you're like, this year I'm going to be a nicer person to everyone, you know? I feel like, or like I'm going to like love into my heart or whatever the bullshit motto of love actually is.

But I feel like, you know, it's a wonderful life. Love Actually Muppet Christmas Carol, really the only three Christmas. Movies, I know. There's Gremlins. By the end of them, you're like, oh, my heart is full of love on this day of Christ. You know, even though Christ doesn't really come up, but it's like supposed to make you feel love.

Generosity, mutual aid. A lot of those old, those Christ Christmas songs are about helping people. Yeah, and getting fucking presents. I'm getting presents. Getting presents and getting fucked. Yeah. No, that's slutty girls' Christmas is all about. Oh, excuse me, I'm sorry.

Sorry, I forgot that you're not on board. I'm not on board with Sloddy Girls Christmas. How about those little Santa hats that go on penises? That's fun. That's a fun thing. That's a fun thing. That's a holiday party thing. You know, like, I mean, I think if my significant, like, if I woke up and turned over and dug it at Santa hat on his dick on Christmas morning, I would think that's funny.

Yeah. But I wouldn't, like, take it sexually off and be like, no, I'm going to suck it. Like, while I'm in my childhood bedroom, which I imagine is what the Santa hat is there for in the first place. It's like a Barbie Santa had That's repurposed for a day Oh the next Next one is Michael Boo Blay

Holly Jolly Christmas Yeah It's very smooth I like Holly Jolly Christmas Sure It's a pretty good Christmas And I'll listen to this This is another one where I feel

And you know I feel strongly about everything This is one I feel like Okay I'm not smiling. Yeah, this is J.C. Pity Christmas. Yeah, that's exactly what it is. I think that's what it is, like, if anyone's, like, I worked retail for Christmas, like, I did the, like, Joanne Fabrics, what they had to play over and over again.

So it's like, yeah, I think you just desensitized yourself to this kind of stuff, and you just don't even hear it after a while. Yeah, yeah, I think there's, like, that, I put that in the category of, like, vaguely obnoxious Christmas, to be honest. And, of course, there's being Crosby's White Christmas. Sure. Which that's fine. Train has a Christmas song.

What is it? It's what Christmas means to me. Drops of Santa Claus in my beat. Oh, Santa Claus. See, I would like to hear... Is that actually it? No, that's drops of Jupiter, their hit song, converted into a Christmas song,

and I would rather hear that. I think all bands should make their most... popular songs, same, same, you know, riff and everything. Making it do a Christmas song, it's all I want to hear. Yeah, uh, give me a three doors down. Oh, um, that tongue. Mm, Mrs. Claus, yeah. If Santa goes crazy, he's going to take an F and put him on his dick,

and then Mrs. Claus gonna call me, she's gonna cry why you do this to me. Led Zeppelin. All right. Christmas Day. Come downstairs and open up presents Your mother is waiting. Your father's waiting to. We want presents.

The Beatles. Oh, um, Why don't you come over to my house and we're going to eat some fish. I don't know why we eat fish on Christmas. Maybe it's because. we are British I don't even know what that song is

When I'm 64 You choose it in the obscure one That's a pretty I mean an immigrant song ever Ah Yeah that was a good one Yeah that was a good one I don't know why I chose

It's because I recently listened to When I'm 64 Yeah Well I forgot how it went Totally far So that's what came into my head Totally fine Thanks guys

Train had a whole Christmas album It's called Christmas in Tahoe Oh I mean, it's probably magical in Toppo. This is not my train. Yuck! Oh, yuck! Number nine.

Yuck, this is a yuck. This is a bad song. No. Number nine? This is a legitimately bad song. Oh, sorry, sorry. Why are you turning it up? Why are you doing the sauce?

That's what I always say right before I turn up a song. This is legitimately bad. In number 10, Ella Fitzsale to have yourself a merry little christmas. Sure. I don't know. I think it's definitely because of the family stone, but the Judy Garland version gets every, I can hear the beginning of the song,

and I will start to cry. To have yourself a marry one? Yeah. That is a sad part in that movie. And every time I hear the song, she's like, uh-huh, she's got cancer. She's got cancer.

It's a really good movie I have to watch her by myself I start crying from the beginning of the movie I cried through the entire thing Which movie? Family Stone Yeah Hmm I don't know about that

I'm not sure if I'm on board with that whole family stone I understand it's not for everybody No I completely get it You get it? I know Okay In fact I feel like I have to hesitantly say Family Stone

If I'm around other people Just to be like because you're either fuck that movie or you're like I love that movie and nobody knows about it I watch it by myself

Well I've got something for you right now Is it up a Christmas girl? No it's something up at Christmas I haven't seen it yet so we like Yeah it's well I As far as Christmas songs go You into the top ten I can't believe this one isn't in the top ten

Although it's not necessarily Christmas song the video is set during Christmas and it is a little bit of a tradition here at page 7 every year. You know what? This video I think you much like it! It's the most funerable time of the year. I've been waiting for this

all the December. Yay! John Travolta and Olivia Newton are there. Yeah. Yeah. He's laughing. Go on the video with us right now. Oh my God. He's almost got a video. He's a slimy in this. He does.

He's a half slimy. I think you might like it. Olivia Newton, John and John Struggle to go look it up on YouTube and watch it with us right now. He's flying a fairly large plane by himself. I think you might like it. He's singing. Olivia Newton's driving. He's driving down an empty road.

It's not a road. He's not even pressing on the gas. He's just eyeballing. It's just. There's a lot of boots scoot. A lot of boots scoop. But she's waving to nobody. People are at the airport.

And not the airport is a little, I mean, they're at a local airport made out of Cinderblanc. A bus stop that's made to look like an airport maybe. You know, she's still rocking those heels. Oh, wait, this is the run. This is the run to she sees him. They run towards each other. And they fake run at each other. They run for like five feet each, and then it comes back to the same five-foot shot from before.

Man. Oh. There's a grapevine. I just, I love this song. No one's looking at the road. So they drive. He doesn't have to use a pilot. So, everybody's at the airport for some reason, exchanging gifts at the airport.

It does kind of steal the conceit from love actually. Like, the airport is a great place. Oh, yeah, this bashes it in the face. This might be like a car dealership instead of an airport. It looks like a police station. It did. It could be, I think it might be a car dealership might be our best bet. It looks kind of like a car dealership.

Oh, grandma and grandpa are there? There's some kids there. There's a map on the wall. I'm just surprised there's not like his kid dead in the corner being like, we can't give a medicine. There's some military people there. I like the military people part. Sad military man doesn't have a friend.

I bet he's going to fuck the cop. The cop gives him a hug. But they're obviously going to hook up. I mean, that's what you do. It's Christmas. Yeah, it's Christmas. You gotta love that. Oh, now they got matching jams.

Watching it's a wonderful life together. It's the one redeeming part of this video. I just, it's like, I like it. Oh, I just, oh, the dancing it is just. The cop and the military guy were hooked it out to a dance. Well, it's the end part of the video where everybody does the dance at one time. Sure, of course. The old people watch it's a wonderful life.

There's another great vibe. Chandra has a wallet chain. I just noticed that for the first time. He's got a big old wallet chain. Keep your eye out for it. Well, you got to make sure that fucking nobody's stealing his wall. I like it. I like it.

Special thanks to the people of Ocala. Oh, man. I think, have I ever noticed Ocala, Florida? Yeah. Wow. There are you. The Ocala, Florida. Florida car dealership. I mean, it makes sense. It's too green. You know? Yeah, it is very

green. It's not cold, obviously. No, that is, that is middle of nowhere, Florida. And it is a, I'm going to go ahead and say it, shitty place. And I feel like that, there's no wonder they made that video there. But why did they make it in Ocala, Florida? Good question. Is there a Scientology place nearby? I mean, it's probably like an hour and a half, two hours away. But so, John Tra was like, listen. Let's drive out to the middle of nowhere. I'm going to be at the Scientology base in Clearwater. Is that what it's called?

Yeah. You know what? Give me something within two hours. I'm guessing, yep, that's the airport at Ocala right there. Wow. I'm guessing that's where. I didn't even know Ocala had an airport. Well, quote unquote, airport.

Yeah, you probably can only fly novelty planes into it. Well, yeah, because there's a bunch of land out there. No one around has any money, but, you know, people close by have some money. Yeah. Yeah. There's a CGI rendering of it. Control Tower coming in August. Good for them.

Good for them. So they actually know where the planes go now. Rather than all willy-nilly-nilly-loosey-goosey land in a plane. We've been winging it. Hey. Hey. All right. It's time for blind items.

Oh, okay. This first one is juicy. And this one, it's one of those that came up a couple of times here in the last couple of months. I ignored it for a little bit, but no longer can we. Juicy, juicy. Once with this one is a little boring, but once it starts showing up a few times, it becomes a bit of a habit.

Let's get into this one. This foreign-born Canadian, A-list rapper singer, does not even go the groupie route any longer. He just has a couple of his people troll through strip clubs looking for women who will take some money for sex. He prefers bear back.

Yeah. He doesn't need. Drake doesn't need. to pay for sex. Is it Justin Bieber? It's Drake. Drake loves paying for sex. It showed up a few times.

So it's just like his thing. Drake's got a hooker thing. Wow. So he should just get with Rihanna and then it'll be fine. Oh, Bert. We rebound! I got to stand with Rihanna here. This is a quick side note.

I don't know if anybody has seen the Christmas commercial with Stevie Wonder. and he's at the piano and he starts singing Someday at Christmas Which I love that fucking song And then Rihanna comes in And she starts to sing it with him

I cry every time I watch it I haven't seen that It's a really good It's a good commercial It's a good commercial Yeah I just love some day at Christmas Because you know what

It's no day at Christmas Because it's never going to fucking happen Jesus Next up This one's gonna be a little controversial. If you thought his last publicity stuff was insane, his

next will have everyone talking. He's planning on getting a full body wax and shave because he's planning on going fully nude in a mock slave auction, full body blackface, and a

shackle on his neck. What? He's a idea. He's fond of Stunts. Just did a big stunt. Lasted about three days. Big long stunt in the movie theater.

Is it fucking Dave? Oh, fucking Shia Leboof, you're kidding. No. Go right to hell. I go straight there. He's going to get shot. He's going to get murdered. Go straight there. He's going to be murdered. Fuck that. Why would he do? For what?

Why? Listen, I know he was a child star and we fucking ruined his life or whatever, probably. But that is in, excusable. Fuck you, Shia Leboof. I can't even make a joke. I can't even.

Yeah. I, that is. If he goes through with this, this is going to be amazing. I mean, I guess that's number one question. Because he think, I mean, for the full body pain.

There's no way to answer it without even being more racist. That wasn't. No, no, but I don't mean, like, in his mind. If you're not, shaved, then the body paint might get a little mustard. I feel like you could probably, he's going to get sprayed, right? He's going to be like a spray tan.

There's, I feel like only in Shailaboof's mind does he think like I need to be smooth and then, like, there's no fucking, like, yeah. Is he going to get whipped to all it happens? I hope it never stops. I mean, that, I mean, that would be worth it. Not worth, no, not worth what he's doing, but like, I was like, well, at least fucking beat the shit out of him. I just hope that it is waxing. I hope that whoever's waxing him is like, whoops, whoops. He's going to get blood blisters.

Oh, no, I can't stop. Oh, no, I'm messing it up. And I don't wish violence on anybody, but I do wish. Blood blisters are rough. It sounds like you're wishing violence on it. I wish a deeply unpleasant waxing on Shai al-a-boof such that he cannot perform this nightmare. Oh, he'll never do it. This national nightmare.

He has 10 people to keep him from doing stuff like this. He'll never pull it. You know, white entitlement goes a long way. He'll just be like, what a. Oh, no. No, you won't do it. Because he's just, then he kills somebody in a car crash? You know, who's to stop him?

No, I don't think so. Did he get an really bad car crash? I don't know. Something with a car crash. I don't know, but I believe it. He's come a long way from even Stevens. Say it and we're going to believe it. Yeah, we believe it.

I mean, listen, I watched Stephen Stevens. He's just a mess. And like, I defend Justin Bieber because I'm like, you know what? He was just a little boy and we ruined him. as adults by being like, we're going to make you famous. Maybe we did the same thing to Shia LaBoof, except Shia LaBoof had like one 20th of the fraction of pressure that Justin Bieber had. Yeah, he was no Justin Bieber.

He was never even that famous. He was on fucking, even Stevens, before Disney even had its like Hannah Montana thing. So don't even pretend like you had a hard life, Shia LaBoof. He's not going to do it. But it is funny to think that he thought that he could. It's just really, really the shaving thing is very interesting. Like, just so amazingly fucked.

up that he's like talking to people and he's like Hey you think I could pull the you think I could do this and just there was like no absolutely not. You cannot do you can't do this you know what he did instead he set up a little phone he set up a thing in an art gallery where people could call him up on the phone and ask him questions see you don't go ahead do that yeah that's fine you want to be

the problem is performance art you know and he he sees himself as a performance artist now and that's the cugally doogly of fucking art I'm sorry I'm not saying all of them are coogly-dugly, but I'm saying he is one of them. They're pretty coogly doggly. I tried watching a documentary on a performance artist. Couldn't stop laughing, couldn't take it seriously, had to turn it off. And I understand that some people do, and that's fine, but I can't.

There's that one, there's a video, I think an HBO documentary of Jay-Z collaborating with Marina Abramovich, who's a performance artist. And Matt's baller. She's the one that I was last. She was the one that I watched the documentary about that I couldn't stop laughing at. She is baller, but I understand why you couldn't stop laughing at her because she's a weirdo, but she's awesome. Did she put like knitting in her vagina? No, she like, I don't remember what she did. Maybe she sat there for a long, no, that was told us when.

I don't remember what she did. But she, but there's one of like Jay-Z just like rapping like, well, she's doing her weird shit and it's super awesome in my opinion. It brings together some like, because I don't understand art for shit. I've tried visual art, abstract art. I don't get it. But when you bring in like a Jay-Z soundtrack, then the kind of abstraction suddenly becomes much more awesome. Context.

Yeah. Yeah. And that's my problem with a lot of performance art. Zero context. Yeah, it just is. It just is. So I'm just like, okay, well, there's a lady screaming. Cool.

Yes. Not much else other than that. Not that it's dumb or badder. It's just not for me. Not for me. Not for us. Official page seven editorial stance. Performance art.

not for us. I like that. Unless Jay Z is there is my caveat. All right. Molly has the Jay Z caveat. All right. Otherwise, I'll give it. We'll give it.

We'll give it. Is this it? No, we got one more. Apparently, things have not been as lovy-dovey as they used to be between this A-minus list, mostly television actor, and his BFF co-star, B-minus list, mostly television actress.

You got that? How do they have different grades when they're at the same show? I think you'll figure it out. They have a long history together, but he's been hitting on anything that walks while on set. And the actress thinks that he is a completely changed guy from what he used to be the first go-round back in the 90s.

New show. A bit of a reboot of a show back in the 90s. Is it male and female? Is it... Oh, you got this. I don't know, though, Because there's so many reboots right now, but it's not John Stamos. No, no, no, no, no.

And it's not Roblo. It was a bit of a will they won't they situation for a long time. Will they won't they? Mm-hmm. A 90s reboot. Mm-hmm. Will they won't they? Not male and fucking Fred Savage, not.

Mm-hmm. What's his name? There's a redhead involved. X-Files. Yes. Oh. He's a sex addict. Wait, who got a lower grade?

Gillian Anderson. I object. You can object. You can't object. He's a sex addict. He's been in shit for years. She's been out of the spotlight for a long time now. But she was in the fall.

Yeah, but the fall's new. It's new. Yeah. So you have an accumulative GPA that these celebrities have all over time. Absolutely, yeah. Absolutely, yeah. Without a doubt. Well, I still object.

He had to go to rehab for sex. Well, of course. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but he was out of thought like. That's why he's well known. I see. Well, I think that that's not, I disagree with the grading system, but I am, wait, what was the blind title? All I can think about is how excited I am before. She said that he's been hitting on anything that walks while on set.

Oh, certainly. And thinks that he's totally changed. Yeah. So maybe the sex addict thing happened in between this ex-files and the last. I think it was in marriage. It was during the marriage. Retailione. Yeah.

Yeah, and I also, mostly breaks my heart, but a little bit amuses me the idea of Julianne and just being like, you know what? You're fucking obnoxious as hell. Like, you used to be cool. You know what, David? Yeah. David. You and I were tight back in 1994.

You are a prick right now. But also a lot has changed. It's been a long time. Yeah, it's a long time. Can you imagine doing a reboot with somebody that you, like, the first person you ever worked with and you're supposed to be tight again? And they also started hooking up. So who knows how that's affecting there.

See, girl, you don't shoot where you eat. But also. We've all wanted a shit where she eats. Oh, yeah. And I've wanted to shit where he eats. I wanted to watch. I wanted to be a part of it. We wanted to shit both places where everybody eats.

Everybody's eating, everybody's shitting. I'm shitting all over that place. I'm even shitting in cancer man's mouth. Yeah, you got to do what you got to do. If I have to, I'll do it. Oh, my God. I'm so fucking excited. Do you guys see the, like, commercials for it?

They're spicy. Oh. They both look a lot older. But I think she looks better Or if not better She's aging very well I think he looks a little bit worse for the wear Yeah

Yeah Sex I thought sex supposed to make you Look younger But addiction I think is Addiction Hard It's hard

No It's all we got for this week But it's Christmas It's Christmas I didn't even sing Any Muppet Christmas Carol No All right

We could take us out With a Muppet Christmas Carol We don't have to do that one. You can choose a different one. We can do that one if you want. It's in the street of a street called a choir. It's going to home and getting warm by the fire. It's true wherever you find love, it feels like Christmas.

Yay! All right, by everyone. See you next year. Zet ceiling. If he became a flavor, you can bet he would be sour. Even the vegetables don't like him. Yeah. For more shows like the one you just listened to,

go to cavecomedyradio.com.