Page 7 - Episode 182: Dougacinos

Episode Date: December 8, 2016

Molly, Marcus and Jackie review Goop's 2016 holiday gift guide, talk about their most wanted gift subscription boxes, and learn about celebs who you didn't know used stage names. Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

It's never good. It's like, you know, when they teach you that if you want to know of your breath stinks, you lick your hand and you smell it. Did that work? I think it does. We all tried it. Welcome to Page 7. My breath smells like iron brew, the Scottish soda. Mine, I think it does smell like pretzels, which is the last thing I ate.

Mine smells like cigarettes and gin. Just like my grandmother. Yeah, you actually sound quite classy. I don't put it like that. Cigarettes. Yeah, maybe I'm just a fucking Parisian and no one understands me. Although you also sound slightly like, you remember those, you remember the girls in high school? Golden girls.

No. The girls in high school who like very early on by the time they were like 17 were like, oh me, I just drink coffee and eats and smoke cigarettes. You know, and they're like very. I was that person. Yeah, that was totally me as well. I think I was too. I think that's why, you know, you hate the things that you identify with the most. But I just, I remember just these kids.

And also, specifically, these kids were like, oh, me, I just drink coffee. But they were drinking, like, gas station cap, like, frappuccinos with, like, a lot of goopin' up. Oh, yeah. Mine was the all-sips French vanilla. Uh-huh. And you're like, oh, excuse me, just me and my coffee. And it's, like, coffee with, like, a bunch of whipped cream on top, you know. You're not, you're, basically, I wasn't as hard as I thought I was.

See, I was always the one that, for years was. like, I drink my coffee black. Yeah. And you know what? It's disgusting. And I drank it black for years just to be like, no, I don't put anything in my coffee. I don't understand people who drink black coffee. I still don't.

Even adults, I still in my head, even, I don't really think they have something to prove, but I don't understand why else you would do it if you didn't have something to prove. I think they like it because it's bitter like their heart is. And I understand my heart is bitter as well. But, you know, throw some peppermint mocha creamer in it. Yes, please. Oh, no, your bitterness is fueled by Jim. Jim.

Yeah, Jen is better enough. You don't need black coffee. Glink, clink, clink. Ah, this is all I need to get through the day. I mentioned I've got snakes for hands. Do you have a lot of festive creamer options in your home? Oh, God, yes. I always have at least three kinds of creamer in my house,

but I also have regular half and milk just in case someone doesn't like a creamer. Really? Mm-hmm. I'm a monster. I'm amazed that you are a creamer gal. I feel like only people 55 and over. No, I love, oh, God, give me a sale. Oh, is it an international delight?

Yes, please. Although, there's only certain kinds of pumpkin spice that I enjoy. I only like the creamers. I don't get my PSLs. But sometimes Doug likes to make me a Doug Achino and he'll take the creamer and it, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it, and then he pours it from way up high. And it's like it's got foam on the top.

So then I get Dugacchino's in bed. I'm telling you, try. Make a Dugacino at a home. You got a real system going on in your relationship. God, how old am I? I don't know. Oh, my God, how old am I? But speaking of a home, the full house house over in San Francisco, you know who bought it?

The creator of Full House. Yeah, good for him. Good for him. And I saw on the internet that season two of Fuller House is coming to us. Oh, my God. Stephanie and those breasts. Oh. Those fake teeth.

Although we did say that she's probably still using, correct? I think. She wrote a whole book about how she's not. I mean, just because you write the book. Then you get the money from the book and what do you put the money on doing more drugs? I'll say that she hasn't shown up in any blind items. Mm. I mean she's not there.

Maybe Candice Cameron has been a good Jesus influence on her. Candice Cameron Burke, please. The hyphen. I couldn't. The thing is, I couldn't, I saw the trailer for season two of Fuller House. I immediately got excited. And then I remember that I couldn't even make it through season one of Fuller House. Yeah, I never finished it.

I only watched the first episode. I think I watched the first two. And I was like, this is actually unbearable. I really couldn't do it. I really need to do this. Although I do have to say, speaking of shows, I know I can't talk to either one of you about it, and I'm very upset about it,

but I did finish Gilmore Girls, and I finished it right before I came to do the roundtable yesterday, and I was sitting on my couch a mess. I was sobbing to myself, and I had no one to talk to. You were crying about the Gilmore Girls? Yes. I thought of you because I did, for about, see, I do listen to you.

I put for about 30 seconds, I put on sister wives, and then I was like, I can't do this, and then I changed the channel, but I did try. I didn't even actually, it wasn't that I couldn't, I just, it wasn't even like I didn't like it. I just psychologically was like, if I start watching reality TV, I'll never be able to stop. Of course, it's fantastic. You didn't even get through their credits?

I love it because they all have their signature slogan, and then Cody comes in and he says, love should be multiplied, not divided. If I had seen that, I wouldn't have changed channel. How could you? His hair is so terrible. I'm going to try again. I watched the Amanda Knox documentary on Netflix if you've seen it. I have not.

It's an interesting. And then I realized that Iron Chef is on Netflix, so I started watching Iron Chef. So you immediately, essentially, well, this is, you know, a real life story. You know what? But food, that's a food reality show. I know. And is reality television. Don't fool yourself.

It's true. I know. I don't, it's not judgment. It's not. Cake boss. Cake boss. Fuck Ace of Cakes. Whoa.

Yeah. What's wrong with Ace of Cakes? He's got his tentacles and everything. That guy, Duff, whatever his name is, is on every, they're all modeled after that PBS one, but they're not as good. Spring baking championship, Thanksgiving baking championship, holiday baking championship. That guy's name is Duff Goldman. Duff Goldman. He's in everything.

He figured out a real way to make money, which is to just sit and make people bring him cake. And he then tells them how they didn't do it right. I love the empire that the pioneer woman is creating right now because she just opened a mercantile, the whole store. Mercantile, is it a word? Merchant. Well, it's very old Oregon Trail of you. A mercantile.

That's her word. Yeah. She's got a whole store out somewhere in Middle America. I don't know, but I want to go to it because I follow her on Instagram. I love Pioneer woman. And her plates. Molly. I know.

The designs on her plates are beautiful. Really? I've never wanted to buy a gravy boat in my life until I saw her gravy boats. I never, what do I need a gravy boat for? Do you like gravy? Sure, but like not enough. Like I don't need a whole boat dedicated towards just throw in a fucking bowl. Or in a squirty.

One time I put it in a squirty bottle and then sometimes the chunks get stuck. But I like to squirt it on my taters. spark some gravy on the cages. I thought maybe you would have like a semi-permanent vessel for a gravy. Nah, I ain't got the room. Yeah. And I don't want one of those moo cows, although I guess that's for milk. I was just thinking the same thing, though.

Those cows are cute. They are cute. You could put your creamer in it. But it just looks like the throwing up creamer. It does. That's not where the milk comes out. If I could squeeze it out of its little udders, then I would be fine with it. If the whole thing was ceramic and they had little plastic udders that I could squeeze.

Now that's something I could get into. That is that you should definitely invent that. I just wish I had a sack that I could add onto my stomach, like a belt, that anything I wanted I could squirt out of my udders. And into your mouth? Or anywhere. Mostly on my dish. I just really like to squirt things, like those jazzy mayoes. What do you mean jazzy mayo?

I just had a jazzy mayo. I was eating some tater tots at a restaurant. And they had a jazzy mayo on the side. I don't know. It was spicy. Like a nioli. Something like that. I don't know.

I like to call it jazzy ma'o. Yeah, I think that's better than Aoli. I love the pioneer woman. I think she's fantastic and I'll totally buy her shit. Although I got to say, I followed her recipes for years. I had never seen her show before. And then someone gifted me her book for Christmas,

her recipe book a few years ago. I had no idea she was white. I would have paid money. I would have made bets that she was black. Not only is she white. She's like the whitest. She's the whitest. She's got red hair. She's like, and her, like in her she's like, what is the introduction?

She's like, I'm a former Manhattan blog. I'm a blogger, a food lover, a mom, and I live on a ranch. I used to live in New York City till my cowboy husband drag me out to the ranch. In every single show, she's like, my two boys are out ranching. My two girls are also out ranching. I'm going to make them a bacon sandwich because my boys love bacon. I love it. Yeah, that's what she, and she's always talking about her grandmothers and all her kids are

all, there's always, they're always, ranching to be done. It's very ranchy. Of course there's always ranching to be done. Ranching never stops. Oh. I mean, I'm not judging about her ranchingness. It's just a bit of a, they kind of, she beats you over the head with

a theme. Fair enough. Yeah. Well, I got something for you guys that is the exact opposite of ranching and possibly the exact opposite of, what is her name, Frontier Woman? Pioneer Woman. Close. Close. That's, that's, they're the same. The 2016 Goop Gift Guy.

Yes. I forgot. I didn't talk about it. Yes. Yes. Goop. And I'm excited because I haven't looked at it yet. Oh, I wonder how much it is cumulatively costing us to buy everything on that goop list.

Oh, my God. I think we need to start off with a $3,000 leather bicycle. Why? I did not think you would say bicycle. I didn't know. I didn't know what he was going to say. I thought you would say anything else. Wait, but the handles, the mechanics are metal.

It seems to be covered in leather, maybe? I think it's just a leather. It's a pedlin style on our fully leather-clad bicycle. Our men's bike is a European-style cruiser encased in leather from the handlebars to the kickstand. We're loving the retro accessories, generated headlight, handlebell, real cargo rack, and saddlebag. Our bicycle is great for cycling enthusiasts,

either as fashionable transportation or as a sculptor. for old decor element. Oh my God. So unnecessary. And I'm not even against leather, but that makes me want to be like against leather. Like you don't need leather. You don't need leather on a bike.

No, it's just going to get all dirty. It's a $3,000. Isn't it going to get dirty? Yeah. Sometimes it snows. Sometimes it rains. Sometimes you park. Obviously, these people are not parking your bike outside.

But why you do not need leather on a bike, that is just needlessly taking leather and putting it somewhere where you don't. It's like putting leather on a wall. It immediately makes it. Makes me want to destroy the bike if I see it. Like I want to do, like graffiti on it and write juicy Jacey on the side. Yeah, I want to pee on it.

Ooh, that'll be fun. We'll do it together. Let me graffiti at first and then you can piss all over it. Oh, there is, oh man, you guys thought you knew glamping. You don't know glamping. But I do enjoy glamping. I forgot about glamping. Oh, glamorous camping.

Monicum amounts of glamping. Well, you don't know glamping until you've seen the eighth. $8,300 Groovy Yurt, Super GER 20-foot Yurt. It's the Yurtz. Every word more painful than I love. I don't know if I could do it with Yurt.

For a while I really wanted to stay in a yurt, but this is a super-jurt. A super-gur-jurt. What the fuck does that mean? Every word Marcus reads is surprising. Yeah, the groovy Yurt, Super-Gur-20-foot yurt. Why is the word gur in there? What does it mean?

I have no idea. You just add on. It's like a hyphen of groovy, I guess. It's like a gur, oh yeah, no, yurt. Or is it like yogurt? I was going to say, it sounds like yogurt. Oh, interesting, they just took out the middle part. It's a yurt.

Yogurt. What is she trying to do to us? She's trying to make us all poop regularly. Is it, is it, can you be moved? Is it? What? Transportable. The yurt.

The yurt. That's the whole thing about yurts is that they are transportable. It's a tent. Yeah, it's a glorified tent. It's a, it's a glorified tent. Yeah, it's a, it's a Mongolian thing. It's round, though. It's something that you will need a staff to help you camp.

That's great. Get my staff. It's a gentrified tent. It's like they took the tent of another culture and then made it more expensive. Pretty much, yeah. It just makes me think of the tiny houses. See, in those sense, like I would buy a yurt in that way. If you're going to get a tiny house, get a yurt, sure.

But not for glamping. Not as a folly. Like, not as a weekend time gala event. I'm pissed. I hate. Goop. That is an $8,000 folly, you know, just as a romp. It's a lot of money.

Romp, that's the word. It's an $8,000 romp. How's about a $120 tube of toothpaste? Oh, my God. Theodent, $300 with Renew, White. Lightning crystal mint, clinical strength, fluoride-free toothpaste, rebuilds, hardens, and strengthens enamel. Only $110.604 on Amazon. It is bullshit toothpaste.

It's prime, though. She's too good for... I mean, yeah, if I can get it in two days. She's too good for fluoride? Goop doesn't approve of fluoride? Oh, none of them people approve of fluoride. But isn't... Does Britta take out a fluoride?

Like, if you britta, you're water. Does the fluoride go away? Oh, hell no. No, no. Fluoride's always there. But it's good, right? Isn't it better for your teeth? Well, some say it calcifies your third eye, but it is good for your teeth.

How am I supposed to see into my future daughter's thoughts? You know, if it calcifies your third eye, there's some squeegees for your third eye. It's kind of a cleansing process. Yeah, it's called acid. Yeah, you got to take some shrooms. For every, you know, 10 years you drink Florida-Dade water, go on a mushroom trip. Yogurt. And you know what?

Speaking of going out to the forest, you don't have to do that if you buy the $600 Moss Wall Garden. Bring the forest to you. It is a moss wall. I mean, it's exactly what it sounds like. It's pretty much just moss on a wall. Is it real moss? Yeah, it's living.

It's living art. You can get any kind of moss. That kind of shit is all over the trees in Florida. Go rip, pull it down. Make sure there's no fire ants in it. And just staple it onto the walls. I mean, why do you want to put mold on your walls? There's already mold on the walls.

That are like, go see a waterfall. That's where the moss at. Yeah, go outdoors and see your moss outdoors and then go indoors. Ew, and it probably feels so gross. Like if you, like, put your head against it. I would, I would touch it too much. I would touch it until it disintegrate. You would destroy it.

I do like moss. I do like moss. I love moss. And this has three different types of moss. It's got reindeer moss, moose moss, carpet moss, and as well as dried amaranthous bratches. and a wooden frame. These are all things that sounds like I would find inside of my underpants.

Boy, Jackie, all your underpants are all full of moose, Mark. I got all my reindeer moss down here. Slippery as an eel. I got to say, Marcus, you sound a little bit too enthusiastic about this moss. I think you like the moss. I think you want it. I mean, if it was like 50 bucks, yeah, I would totally get a moss wall. You would be 50 bucks for a moss wall.

If I had like, if I had, like, if I had. I had like Christmas money. If I had like dumb money, stupid money to spend, yeah, I'd have a moss on my wall for 50 bucks or six months. How much would you pay for a moss wall? I wouldn't pay anything. I don't think I like moss. How much would somebody have to pay you to put up a moss wall?

A lot. And I would want them to put on a Broadway show all about me that they wrote all of the lyrics to and that that person that's going to put up the moss wall has to perform all of the characters in it. inside of my home before they put the moss wall up. So you want a Broadway wall first. Yes, I would like a Broadway show about me, written for me that only I will watch. And then they can put the moss wall up.

That sounds fair. You want to pay $2,500 for a single razor? Yes. The one blade razor, black blade. Oh, my God. It's like, they were like, you know how the plebs pay for $10 for five blades? well, we'll give you only one blade, which is also worse, but you'll think it's better because you think that you're better than anything

that anybody can buy at Dwayne Reed. Well, there's only a hundred of them made. God, I have got to have it. Although I have stared at those things on Instagram that are like, you get new razors every month. Yeah, that club. It's like a razor of the month club. Yeah.

I don't really want it, but I've looked at it. Yeah, I mean, I've tried it out. It's actually pretty good. I read a list last night on BuzzFeed that was like 20, Amazon gift boxes you should get and a lot of them were shaving boxes

you can sign up for a little box for shaving every month I want to get there's a jerky one A jerky box Yeah you can get a jerky box every month I thought about getting it's It's more expensive than you'd want to spend the money on it's not just like a slim gym

in an envelope every month I just wanted some jerky It was like oh that's a fun thing I was like oh I'm not being that much for it That's like every Christmas When I think about gifts I never know what to get And I'm like, ooh, how about I'll get somebody like a wine club. And those things, wine clubs, I always think, oh, it's like buying a bottle.

No, it's like $200 a month. That's like the suction cup iPhone case. It's another thing that I keep seeing the ads for. And I was like, oh, it's cool. You can put your iPhone anywhere and it sticks. It's like $90. I mean, you can join the Cowgirl 3 Cheese of the Month Club. What?

It's only $225 a month. For three cheeses. Yeah, for three cheeses. Give me a cheddar, I'm fine. I think that we've talked about this before, and you know I'm an American fan, and it's hard for me to say sometimes, but I accept it. I like to slice American cheese. You'll take a Kraft single?

Not a Kraft. What? No. I'm talking deli. You go to the Deli. Oh, Deli. Oh, yeah, of course. A deli American cheese, absolutely.

Craft singles are a little bit, are a hair too far for me. Unless I'm really stoned in making, like, a singular grilled cheese sandwich. Or a hamburger, or in my case of veggie burger, with a, I'll take a single wrap slice, definitely. My problem is I can't have it in the house because I'll just, I'll eat it. Yeah, when I was a kid, I used to go to my friend's house

and they had American wrapped American cheese slices and I would just house them. She had to tell me not to you. Oh, yeah. Sometimes I would take it and slap it against the wall. It sticks. Make a little face out of it. Then I'd eat it off the wall.

I don't know. It would hurt your teeth, but it was worth it. You can buy a $60 onesy for your kid, one downside. They're never going to take it off. I would. I better not because that's the only piece of clothing I can afford it. Yes, that's about it. That is the same with like the name brand shoes for babies that can't even walk yet.

Yeah, like get that chuck off of that infant. Yeah. It can't even walk. Yeah. Yeah, that infant. Chuck socks, cute. Sure, but a child shouldn't own shoes. until the child can stand up and take at least five steps.

Agreed. Other than that, socks. Yeah, kids not getting up and walking around the subway. Mm-hmm. And finally, a $36 pillow shaped like a tooth. Okay, I'll buy that. That is... That I will buy.

Cute and reasonably priced. It has... It really, though, I gotta say nothing in comparison to another dumb thing that I almost bought for a friend is that there is a travel pillow, like a neck pillow, that is the shape of a shrimp. With the tail on it, like a cocktail shrimp. A cocktail shrimp?

It's a cocktail shrimp that you wear around your neck. So I would say over the tooth pillow, I would choose cocktail shrimp pillow. You see, where do I find? You should have your own holiday shopping list. Where do I find fun things like that? You and Henry get such fun stuff for each other. I don't do anything fun. Where do you find your fun stuff?

You just go to the depth of the end. I like to look up random keywords. Shrimp pillow. Things like that, you throw it in the Google search, and then you just go under shopping. and see whatever shows up. Like what? I don't know.

T-Rex face. Put it in. I don't know. Mops. Let's see how it goes. What kind of mops they got out there. Yeah, I think it's probably going to be mostly mops. Yeah, that's only mops.

But like mop face. Yeah, probably mops of the face. Let's see what happens on mop face to shopping. There's probably like, you can make a good puppet out of a mop. But that's where I found, like, I have a shirt that's a bunch of cats riding on hot dogs in outer space. And it's one of my favorite. shirts and I put cats and hot dogs into the Google search. I think really what you're missing here is at least a bowl's worth of marijuana.

We are precisely one bowl short to this Google searching accurately. And then really you just put in your favorite things and sometimes weird things are up. I got it for $2.99. Really? Cats riding hot dogs in outer space. And how about is it, is it a good quality? No, but it's, I bought it like three sizes too big, so it's just a fun flouncy shirt. Uh-huh.

It's just a t-shirt. Yeah. And the cats are all, there's only two different kinds of cats on it. One looks like it's in pain or maybe it's mulling. And the other one is complacent with big, dumb eyes as if it has had a lobotomy. I know, you put in cats riding hot dogs on shopping, and the first thing that comes up is a Zach and Zui show jockey saddle dog costume. Ew. What?

What is that? What is that? It's a little jockey that fits onto a dog, so it looks like there's a jockey that's riding your dog. Oh, that's actually quite good. That's a good toy. That is a lot of fun. Put a little jockey on your dog.

Put a little jockey on your dog. That is a good gift. Yeah, that is a good gift. That's a good gift. There's a cowboy that can ride your dog. Where's my shirt? That is a good gift. You guys have seen that shirt before.

Is that it? Cat riding a hot dog in space? It's not that one. There's a different. That's a good one. There's multiple options. There's a lot of cats riding hot dogs in space options out there. You're welcome.

See, this is why I listen to you. You've got a lot of good ideas. No, I want this shirt. And I probably will watch Sister Wives. I don't know why I thought I was not interested in it. I mean, sometimes you just got to lower your standards. It's not that I have the lowest possible standards. What did I watch instead?

Guys grocery games. What do you mean? That's a low standards. But I just, you know, I used to watch more that type of reality show. Like, but it was back in the day, like Mr. Personality, Joe Millionaire. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. We've talked about our love of Joe Millionaire.

Yeah, but the old, I haven't got like that level of reality. I haven't gone supernanny kind of, but that doesn't, there's like, I learn a lot from supernanny, so it doesn't count. Sister Wads, I just need to accept I'm going to love it. I can't, like, pretend that I'm learning something. Speaking of go back and watching stuff, I have to say this is the first year and a while that I have sat and watched Home Alone again. And all I did was complain about it. And it's such a good movie.

And I do love the movie, but I was just like, why didn't they just? Oh, God, you know that wouldn't happen now. Oh, what are you? Oh, look at the... They're not even doing anything to the kid. There's a lot of plot holes. There's so many, but like, why am I such a cynic now? Last night I watched National Lampoon's Christmas vacation,

and I was also a bit of a crank about it. I still enjoyed it a lot, but I was like, yeah, I was a little bit of a crank about it. I was a bit of a scrooge about it. Maybe you should watch Christmas with the cranks instead. Maybe I should. That's the mood I'm in. I will rewatch Home Alone.

It's not actually in my rotation, but it is a good. What was your number one complaint about Home Alone? I don't know. I feel like I know that they couldn't get the flights back. I mean, now there's just so many other things. But I guess it's like there's like all of the phone outages happen. I was like, there is no way. Like if my mom was like on that phone call,

which would never have happened anyway because she's five feet up my ass, that she would never leave me somewhere. I wish she would leave me somewhere. Yeah. That she would call and call and call until someone was on a phone. They would find some sort of mobile type phone

back in the 80s to, she would not get off the phone until someone went to that house. And I feel like Catherine O'Hara didn't work hard enough to get somebody to that house. True. And I just feel like she gave up. You think that now as an adult. But when you were a kid and you watched it, did you fantasize about it happening to you? Because I feel like I, it was close enough.

As an adult, I'm like, this would never happen. But as a kid, I was like, ooh. Yeah, because we were the exact age as Kevin McAllister when that movie came out. I guess that's what I was talking about with Doug. But he does all the things that a kid would do if he was by himself. You know, eats all the food, slides down the stairs, going into his brother's room. And I was like, no, I would be terrified. I would probably just sit in the dark and cry until someone came.

At that age, I wouldn't have been able to handle it. That's because your mother's five feet up your ass all the time. That's the thing. I can't have fun. She made you dependent on her. That was the whole game. Get me a sled. I'm sledding through this whole fucking bar area.

See, I was left alone a lot as a kid. So, man, I fucking would have loved it. What would you have done first? As far as what would happen if everybody was gone? Yeah, everybody's gone. Probably play with the gun. And then is the end of Home Alone. The 17-minute version of Home Alone.

Gets into the guns. Kid is dead. They show up. They go through the whole movie. Robbers come in and rob the house. Finding a dead kid. You're like, oh, we don't want to get caught with this on her hands. Family comes home, finds the kid dead.

Don't even give a fuck about the right. robbery. Actually, I think this is a great sequel. And actually, with the amount of, like, toddlers who have been shooting guns this year, I feel like it actually is like the true American version of Home Alone would be just a dead kid from the beginning and guns everywhere. Oh, a dead kid and, you know, and the sticky bandits go in and then the, I mean, really, the family coming home, that happens, like, halfway through the movie. And the rest of the movie is the sticky bandits trying to prove that they're innocent.

Yeah, but then, like, the mom becomes a vigilante because she knows. knows that they killed until the kid. That's a great idea for a movie. It's not a comedy, nor is it a holiday fun. It could be a comedy. It could be. Yeah. But at the end, she ends up deciding not to kill them, and then they get the chair instead.

Yeah, I like that. Although she does fantasize about cutting their penises off. It's becoming harder and harder to be a comedy, I think. I'm thinking it's becoming easier and easier to become a comedy. Yeah, easier. Yeah. Wait, that's last house on the left, right? I think so.

With the, with the dick sucking? scene. There's a lot of, yeah, there's bad things happen in that movie. Yeah, she bites it off. A mother's revenge. We should call it home alone a mother's revenge. Let's get this in the can. This is the update of the 2016

needs. It's true. It's true. It is a perfect 2016 film. Trump's America, home alone. Yeah. A child has killed himself immediately with a gun and people are going to be falsely in prison. It's very American. Yeah, but then that means the sticky bandits can't be white, though. Because if they were any other color, then they immediately get slapped.

They throw them, they're going to put them right in the chair. Well, if they were white, they would be more likely to be exonerated. All right, we're getting a little too political here, kids. All right, let's pull it back a little bit. All right. That wasn't me that time. That was me. I'm shocked and myself.

I know. Point that out and I pat myself on the back. I'm tempted to give you a toilet flush, Jackie. No, don't. Please don't. You see how it feels. Don't do it. Toilet flush!

Yes. Oh, how satisfying. No wonder you guys do it to me. Technically, though, they were the sticky bandits in the second movie, and they were the wet bandits in the first movie. So, screws on you. You don't always have to have the last word after a toilet flush, Jackie. Well, what was your complaints about National Lampoom's Christmas Vacation?

I guess, well, you're going to toilet flush the fuck out of me, though. Ah. I think that they are classest against Eddie's family. Toilet flush! Oh, no, they're just like, oh, that trashy family. I mean, the girl did get kicked in the head by a donkey and her eyes went sideways. No, she fell in a well.

Her eyes went crying, and then she got kicked in the head by a donkey and they uncross. You know, I think that they... Well, maybe they'd treat him better if Eddie didn't empty out his shitter on the fucking street. I don't think that the... that the family has the right to hate Eddie. I just think that the film doesn't think it relies on some, like, white trash jokes, which I don't, which I don't like white trash jokes.

But aside from... What about snots? They do have a dog that's snotts all over the place. Oh, I love snotts. That's is fun. I guess more than that, actually, I think I was, this was the first time that I've watched it with the knowledge of, like, that Chevy Chase is not a nice guy. Yeah.

And that was infecting me before. That was infecting me this time. Before I always just had nothing but positive associations with Chevy Chase because I was a huge old SNL fan. And then this time I was like, oh, it's less fun to watch this knowing that he's like famous for being a mean to people, you know? Did you fast forward through the dumb sled scene? No, I watched it. God, I hate that scene. Yeah, that's the other thing.

It's so corny. I mean, of course it is. Right? I mean, European vacation. That's where the oomph is in the National Ampoon series. Oh, yeah. Well, it's got tits. And the first one, too, with Wallywark.

Yeah, that was a good one too. Just Plano vacation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's just so, it's so corny. I was like, oh my God, yeah, that sled scene is a little too corny. Oh, and they also totally killed that cat. Yeah, I don't like that either. No, they actually did kill the cat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was an accident. They did actually kill the cat. Whoa. Let me find out the full story on it. Oh, I'm going to plug my ears when you read it. See, I knew that there was a reason I was being a crank. Interesting. Well, you know, we all have times that we have cranked them.

You know what? I didn't listen to any Christmas music today. I wasn't in the mood for it. Have you tried out the Obama Holiday Spotify? Oh, I got to look that up. Christmas with the Obamas, it's called. It's very good. I think you'll like it.

Okay, I'm sure. There's not as much Whitney Houston, but there is a lot of R&B. Ooh, okay. Yeah. But you know, then it gets into my sexy Christmas category, and you know how I feel. It does have Santa Baby on it,

and I know you don't like that. I don't like Santa Baby. It does. But there's other things that you will like. But it is surprisingly sexy. The Obama are a sexy family. I mean, yeah. Would watch that sex tape.

Her arms. Actually, I take that back. The cat did not actually get killed. That was an urban legend. Oh, good. But here's the funny thing is that it was almost cut from the movie. Prior to the first test screening, executives wanted the scene take it out.

But after the first test screening, the audience scored the cat. cat electrician scene as their favorite in the film. That audience. Wow. That is. I wouldn't say that. I do really like, it slightly nauseated me, but I did laugh at the scene where

Chevy Chase is so mad about not getting his bonus and then he like chugs to things of eggnog. Oh, yeah. Furiously. So gross. Yeah. See, but what about the scene when they, what he answers? aunt to say the prayer and she goes I pledged

to the flat like that's great he comes up in turkey turkey's waiting for time I mean there's a lot of comic comic gold in the movie yeah the jello with all of the cat food in it yeah no there's and so many my entire life I've been referencing

Christmas vacation oh yeah whenever I see a turkey I think of that scene every Thanksgiving I think of that thing I think about it every year before I turn off the heat in my room because in the middle of the night I wake up and it was like because it's so hot in my room that I feel like I'm the turkey. There's nothing happening inside.

That and his dicky. I would always, I really, really want to get one. That's what's called, right? The fake turtleneck. Oh, yeah. That is called the dicky. Oh, the dicky. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He wears the dark dicky under that white sweater. So it's obviously a dicky. Yeah. Also, the word dicky is pretty great. Everyone loves the word dicky. Everybody loves the word dicky. Yeah. No, I'm glad, yeah, Christmas vacation is a fun.

I'm glad I watched it. It just wasn't like. It wasn't what you wanted. Or even just, I think I haven't, anything that you see when you're a kid over and over and you think it's perfect and then you watch it as an adult and you're like, oh. It's not, yeah. But that's why I'm really, speaking of perfect, I'm really looking forward to watching that Ruben stuttered Christmas play that is a film that is called the Perfect Gift. Yes.

And someone posted about it on the Facebook page, and I watched the trailer of it. It looks like something I would like to see. Yes, I'm thrilled that Rubin's Seder is still working. Years ago. It was years ago. Oh, okay. And it is definitely. It came out in 2011.

It is a staged play that was shoddily filmed. And made into a movie? Kind of. Or it's just a play on video. I don't know. I think it's more playing in video. I know hard times and holiday tensions teach a father, played by Rubin Stuttered, what Christmas is all about. 5.0 out of 10 on IMDB.

I have to find it and watch it. I think it's on Amazon Prime. My computer's sick and has to go to the computer doctors. Well, I don't know yet. But I'm going to watch it. And I'm going to report back on it. Please do. I mean, yes, 2011 is five years ago, but it is also eight years after he won American Idol.

True. So good for him. I can't wait to watch Cranpus again. You big Cranpus fan? I thought Cranpus was wonderful. I had a delightful experience with Cranpus last year, and I decided that I'm going to, I'm including it in my movies that I watch every year club.

That's the German Santa? Yeah, but it's the one that they made last year. It was like a half comedy. Yeah, it's like dark German Santa, right? But it's also kind of scary. Yeah. Scary Santa. Yeah.

It's a lot of fun. My Christmas horror film is Santa Slay. Santa Slay. Yeah, that is a good one. Yeah, it's got Bill Goldberg. It's about curling, but also Santa Claus. Really? Yeah.

S-L-A-Y. Yeah, Santa's... Oh, but it's about curling? Yeah, curling plays a big part in it. Like, I'll watch it for that. No, the sport. The sport. The Canadian sport.

I love curling as a butt of a joke, so... It's a really big part of the movie. Ooh. I'm interested. It's really funny. Well, I guess she's into it. Get it on board. Count me as interested.

Did you, you haven't seen crampas, Marcus? I have not, no. Oh, you will enjoy it. I'm holding out. I'm, I'm, love actually is available on Netflix. And I'm so excited that I can't decide when I'm going to watch it. I know I'll be watching it by myself. I keep telling myself, don't watch it yet because you're going to invite your friends over

and everyone's going to have a great time to watch it, but I know that that's a lot. No, you're going to watch it by yourself. That's what I do every year. So I can't, so I'm holding it. I keep being like, ooh, now? And then I'll be like, no, save it. Because once you've watched it, you've watched it. I'm like, I've already watched it.

Yeah. So I don't know when to do it. Is that footage of Mariah Carey singing at the Rockefeller Tree Lighting Center? Tree Lighting. Rockefeller Center Tree Lighting. Is it real? They have, I think, I don't know if it's fake footage or not of her singing without the music and without any, any judge. And it's terrible.

That doesn't surprise me. I think it is real. It's rough. I've got it pulled up. It's the mic feed. Yeah. So it's exactly what is coming through her microphone. Oh, yeah.

Let's listen to a little bit of it. Yeah. She'll make a list and send it to the north of our singing. He sounds like me singing his song. I feel it up until that last, ooh, it wasn't so bad. As someone that, I mean, this is what she's been doing for, what, 20 years? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, this is like 2014.

She might have gotten a little bit better over the last few years. Oh, that was a few years ago? Yeah, that was two years ago. Oh, I thought this was a current one. I didn't watch it. I've always wanted to go, but I hear it's terrible to go to. I would imagine, yeah. Yeah, it's so many people.

Yeah, too many people. Yeah, I don't go anywhere in the same. where those people. That's true. Yeah, I feel like that wasn't, I mean, it wasn't like Ashley Simpson when she was. That was sad and rough, yeah. That wasn't, it wasn't, like, Mariah Carey can obviously sing, but it's not. She just wasn't, yeah, I know, I just, you know, I know what I want her to be and she just isn't what I want her to be.

What do you want her to be? Better. I want to be better at it. I want her to be myth. I want her to be my unicorn. I know we've talked about this last year, but can I just take this opportunity to say that I do not like that song,

nor do I like the one that plays in the grocery store all month. Last Christmas, you gave you my heart and the very next day you gave it away. Yes, yes. I understand the dislike for that song. I'm not saying I dislike it. I'm saying I understand the dislike.

It is fairly one note. And that's not fun. No. You know, they can't all be Christmas shoes. All right, it's time for the list. Oh, it's on the list. Marcus, got to have that list. Celebrities that you didn't know use stage names.

The real names of celebrities. Tom Cruise, born Thomas Cruz Mappother, the first. Mappathar. Mappother. M-A-P-H-E-R. Maybe it's Mipother. It's pronounced Mopo-O-O-T-O-T-R. You know what? Just call me Cruz. The fourth? The fourth, yeah. Yikes. Mappathar. Long line of M-Po-O-T-Rs.

Freddie Mercury, his real name is Faroq Bulsara. See, that might be even more fun. Yeah, that's good. Faroak is a great name. Yeah. Stephen Tyler. Stephen Tala Rico. Again. Better than Tyler. Tala Rico.

Yeah, Tala Rico. Steven Tala Rico. Sounds like a fancy, I don't know, spice. Yeah. Yeah, you put a little bit of Tala Liga. Natalie Pornman. Natalie Herschlog. Oh, yeah.

Is that German or Jewish? Jewish. Because I know she's Jewish. She's Israeli, I think. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because she married that other Israeli. Mm-hmm. Sophia Loren, Sophia Valani, Skecolone.

It's too difficult. Yeah, you can't go Skicolone. No, no, not when you're looking at her tits bounce all over the place. It's how her nipples make against her ice-cold shirts. Marilyn Monroe, we all know Norma Jean, but her actual last name, Mortensen. Yikes. Yeah, oh, you want to hear, yikes. Michael Caine.

Maurice Micklewhite. Maurice Micklewhite? Michael Kayne, the name is Maurice McIlwade? Yeah. That's a great name. I think I don't, the name Maurice, I don't know what, it makes me scared. Really? I think it's, I actually have the exact opposite reaction.

It reminds me of a harmless person. I don't know what, what, I don't know what Maurice it is that makes me. Little Monsters. Yes. Yeah. We were just talking about Little Monsters, that is it. Because we were talking about the baby doll head. Yep.

Little Monsters was really fucking weird, but I loved it. Yeah, me too. And it was when I first started listening to Talking Hits. Yeah. Because they'd had the road to nowhere to close out the movie, and it was fantastic. What a good song to end it. But that baby head, scary man, I never want to see a baby doll's head on a full-sized man. That is scary always.

That seems like a reasonable request. Oh, and he was so mean. His name was Maurice? No. I think Howie Mandel's name was Maurice. Harry Mandel's name was Maurice, yeah. And he turned into clothes. He turned into a pile of clothes.

He did turn into a pile of clothes. He was really sad. And he go, because he couldn't be in the light. It was very scary. I remember I almost wanted to cut off the legs of my bed because of that movie. Because I thought they were going to get in. I wanted to get in, though.

Why? Do you want to go down there? They have all those weird kids in the faces and their base. I know, it looked pretty cool. Remember that there was this one specific one. There was like, when we were like, yeah, and I just remember she had a baseball hat and she had long blonde hair. It was very scary.

That movie I think fucked me up. Did you ever watch Little Monsters? No. Do you have any idea of what it is? No. Both the Savage Brothers. Really? Yeah.

I love both of the Savage Brothers. It was supposed to be, it was supposed to be like a fun kids movie. Yeah, it was around that time where they were like trying to make fun kids movies, horror movies. Like they were trying to make horror movies for kids. Uh-huh. And they succeeded. It was very scary.

It's scary. It's scary, but it's like a fucking great kids movie at the same time. Kids movies, the kids movies were scary when we were young. The fucking scene in hook with a boo box still gives me and my brother both visceral panic attacks. Yeah, there was a lot of them. There was a monster squad. Yes. Yeah, that was an awesome one.

Flight of the Navigator, there were a lot of scary kids movies. Flight of the Navigator always fucked me up too. I don't know. The 80s were weird for kids' movies. Agreed. Yeah, Labyrinth. Yeah, that one was weird. That one scared me.

As a kid, that one really scared me. That, no, no, what was it? Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Dark crystal?

Dark crystal. That sounds. That sound. It would work, Marcus. That sound horrified me. Elton John, his real name's Reggie Dwight. Yuck. But that's a fine name.

You're just saying yuck at Elton John. Oh, no. You're saying yuck at Dwight. Reggie. They, he has got this great, oh, what's it called? We were watching this live concert of him. I think it was 1974. But it was a Christmas-themed concert.

It must have been right around. on Christmas, and he's so fantastic. And he just sang a bunch of hits, and he changed his costumes a lot. It's on YouTube. Oh, I forgot that you were an Elton John fan. You don't like Elton John? I have no feelings about Elton John. None at all?

I don't know anything of Elton John's music aside from Candle in the Wind. Wow. So my feelings... You got to listen to Goodbye Yellow Brick Row. The whole album. I think I would... The title track itself is fantastic, but the whole album's great. Yeah.

I think I would like a little... connection. Yeah. Tell me because I know it's like a big, it's like a big blind spot for me, and I know that candle in the wind is not his best word. No. I am sure. We never talked about this before?

I guess not. Saturday night's all right for fighting. Leave on. Leavon's my favorite. I think I'm a little bit ashamed because I think that, like, I think I should know. I think it's not something. No, it's fine. We all have our blind spots.

Yeah. It's a big blind spot. Yeah. Well, Jackie will make you a little. playlist. Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, you say is? Goodbye Yellow Brick Road is the album to listen to. That's like starter Elton John. Okay. Like 70s, Elton John is

beautiful. Beautiful. He was a wonderful showman. He was. Still is. Oh, yeah. I'd see him. Yeah, he once appeared on stage with Iggy Pop dressed as a bear. No, wait. A gorilla. Oh, why? He just wanted to.

It was the 70s. They were all on drugs. God, they just did whatever. They just did whatever. Iggy Pop almost beat the shit out of him before Elton John took off the the gorilla head. Nagypah's like, oh hey, it's Elton John. And then he cut himself.

Fun, fun stories from the 70s. I've really great bio of Iggy Pop right now. Oh, cool. Yeah, it's really cool. There's a lot of fun, sad stories like that. Judy Garland, Ethel Gum. I did know Ethel Gum, but I had forgotten. Oh, what a great name.

Why did you know Ethel Gum? Because I was obsessed with 1940s movies. Oh, that's right. which Judy Carlin was in many. Dhr. And... Ethel gum. It's just like phonetically unpleasant in every way.

Ethel gum. Gumb. Ethel gum. It needs more syllables in the last name and then it might help. Yeah. Ethel Gumsworth. Sure. Or Gumpertons.

Gumpurtsman. I don't know. Ethel Gumpertons is pretty rough. And I also remember as a kid reading that and being like, I think it must have been like early in my like learning about celebrities and thinking and learning you can change their names. And I was like, Judy Garland is a perfect name for her. It fits her perfectly. Yeah.

I mean, whatever agent gave her that name was A-OK. Spot on. All right, time for blind items. Oh, we can't see them. This first one's fun, but weird. What talk show host pressures their employees to adopt dogs even when they feel forced to and don't really want one? Rachel Ray. No?

Ellen. Yes. No, Ellen, I'd really prefer not take the dog. She'd have the dog. I bet she's nice about it, but I could see her doing it. No, you're going to take the dog. No, the dog's got nowhere else to go. Have a dog.

What are you going to do? Send the dog back, take the dog. Take the dog. I would. Any small coercion of someone like handing me an animal and be like, you should take this and I say no. And then the second time they say you should take it, I will take it. Yeah.

No matter what it is. Yeah, and I think that the same could be said for just Ellen in general. Ellen says, like, can you, like, move my car for me the week that I'm gone? And you're like, no. And she's like, I really need someone to move my car. And you're like, yeah, of course I'll do it. Can I kiss Portia Dorasi? Yeah, can I sleep in your bed while you're gone?

Just once. Next up, a little Coke bloat for this A-plus list movie actor who hasn't used coke since his early days in Hollywood. He looks really bad at a recent press event for his new bomb. movie. Bomb movie. Like it's a, it bombed. It bombed. It bombed.

Yeah, it was a bad movie, bad reviews, bad people. Yeah, no one went and saw it. Will Smith. Nope. That movie does look bad. Who do you think? Whose eyes are looking a little bit sunken back into their head lately? Vince Vaughn.

No. Whoa, that was a good guess. That's a good guess. He's looking increasingly. Ben Affleck. No, but he's already, this guy's already got pretty beady eyes as it is. Beattie sunken eyes. Don't tell us.

Big smile creepy big smile Not Adrian Brody I'm talking a plus list man Like this guy's been around forever Beattie coke eyes and a big smile Oh god Marcus yeah Tom Cruise

Oh Marcus is You did a good Tom Cruise No he did a good one I got Tom Cruise immediately He did He really did He has been looking bad though

I did see a reason picture of him Someone posted on the Facebook page, a picture of Tom Cruise. Wait, what was his most reason movie? Jack Reacher. Ah. Oh. I was thinking more, I don't know, like Oscar movies. No, oh, the Jack Reacher franchise is just down the toilet.

Speaking of Oscar movies, who in their right mind would ever go see? What is it called the attorney? What is the attorney? Is that what it's called the new Ben Affleck movie? I'm sorry if I put people down, but I saw the trailer, and I was asleep. 15 seconds into the trailer. It's like, this is boring. This looks dumb.

And it's like, it looks like it's being like, hailed is like going to be. Oscar nods all over the place. It looks like shit. You're doing with the accountant? The accountant. Actually, I heard the accountant was really good. Is it really? Yeah.

Maybe it's just a bad trailer. I watch a trailer twice and both times. I was like, this looks bad. Yeah, I hear it was really fun. But Ben Affleck is bad. Yeah, I mean, I don't know if I'd ever want to watch him for two hours. But he's a sleeper. I will most likely see it at some point.

I just, I don't know, it didn't catch me. And maybe it just wasn't a well-done trail. It didn't get me at all. I mean, it's a lot of math. And you know I hate math. And finally, this foreign-born, foreign-born meaning up north, former A-plus list tweener turned adult singers acting more erratic. He told a woman he was having sex with the other day

that she needed to hold the Bible while they were having sex. and he also kept telling her that they were both unclean. Bebe. Bebe. He's losing it. Getting Christian. What? Bebe. What?

Bebe had lost it and then he came back. And I was so happy for him. And now he's losing it again. Wait, he's Christian now? I mean, well, he's Christian so far as he's making groupies hold the Bible while he has sex with them. And saying that they're unclean? And saying they're both unclean. I don't think that that's what Jesus would want.

Yikes. It's a, yeah, that's a yikeser. Has he come out with it? He hasn't, no, he had like the summer hits, right? But nothing. Nothing since the good story. I just saw that he was on Ellen, I think, yesterday or Friday, but I didn't watch it. I mean, yeah, I want.

He's on tour right now. Right now he says he's way too busy tour and a date, anyone. I want him to succeed so bad. I really root for Beeb. Really? Yeah, I always have. He was a child. I know.

And then we turned him into a little. monster and then we were like you're a monster yes but we turned him into a monster and then he's he came back he was a he's so talented sorry everybody loves that song oh yes oh i'm not saying i don't i dislike the songs i just don't know it's like i think that he might be ruined i think it might i think he i don't know if he'll ever come out of it yeah he's not coming back yeah i think no i think you're right i just i want him to succeed because you know it's the same way i kind of felt about Corey felt then, although the difference being musical talent.

But like, we... Whoa. It's just different strokes for different folks. I just feel bad when society turns someone into a monster and then society turns of the monster and is like, look at you monster. Oh, society hasn't turned on him. He's selling out stadiums everywhere he goes.

Yeah, but we took a 12-year-old boy and we, like, turned him into a little sex beast. Oh, I didn't do anything. Not with those bangs. He wasn't a sex beast with the bangs. But he was like a sex beast. beast for little girls. It was all very weird

and too much. Well, what did we do to JTT, Molly? Actually, he's a very well-adjusted at all. Jonathan Taylor-Tavis? Yeah, that's why we just like took his little tiny tween nipples and went I had the tiger beats. I know how I felt.

I watched about two minutes of I'll be home for Christmas before giving him. Oh, that's a fun. No, it's a fun. It was fine. I just didn't want to get to it. He's got to get home for Christmas. I forgot about that one.

Yeah. JTT's looking a little. weird these days. He kind of looks like Fred Armisen. He does look like Fred Armisen. You're right. He does. Oh, it's too weird to see him look like a normal person.

Did he get, he got work done? Yes, his face is weird. His face is very different. He was probably tired of getting recognized as JTT all the time. Why? I'll be home for Christmas. It's fantastic. I mean, he's 35.

I think he's just a weird looking guy. I don't think he's gotten any work done. He's my age. I think he was attractive when he was a tween and that always means you're not going to be the best looking adult. Yeah, because attractive tweens are usually weird looking people. Totally. Always.

Like Haley Joel Osmond. Yikes. That's another yikes. The Culkins. Yeah, McCauley Culkin is a little rough. Rory Culkin isn't as bad. He better not be. Remember, he looks just like me.

You're right. It's just they have the dark, they have those sad, dark eyes. The sad, dark eyes. We got the bags. Yeah. Well, we will say one thing. He might be coming back. He's shopping around a pilot with former co-star Zachary Ty Bryan.

Not, no, not the older brother. JTT is coming back? Maybe. They're shopping around the pilot right now. The older brother was the cute one. I mean, I mean, I think the dad was the cute one. I can't believe. I don't think so, Jackie.

Yeah. That's it for today's page seven. What a terrible note to go out of. I don't think so, Molly. Goodbye, everybody. Thank you for that. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.