Page 7 - Episode 188: A Three Hanky Boo Hooer

Episode Date: February 1, 2017

Marcus, Molly and Jackie review Goop's Valentines Day shopping guide, family movies, and learn about celebs who worked for Disney. Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

You Midwest. Don't blame me. I'm blaming you. I'm from the nose, not the middle. That's the belly. Oh, yeah, that's the pork belly. That's the belly of the chef. It is the best barbecue I've ever had my life.

Was it really? Yeah. Really? Easily. What? Texas? Texas? Better.

What? Better? Dry? Yeah. Hands down better. Really? I want to have a whole podcast just about that. Mm-hmm.

But you don't mean? I know. I know, but I like hearing about it. Oh, okay. Fair enough. I live vicariously. Man, I've been living on jerky. Henry got me jerky at the month club.

Really? Jerky on the club is pretty fucking great. You know why you got it for me? It's because I was talking about it on a podcast thing. I was looking up Jerky of the Month Club because I was looking it up for him. And I didn't know if, but it's just him. Natalie won't eat it. So I was like, I can't get him a whole thing of jerky every month.

Yeah, you can. I mean, Doug had I ripped through it in a night. Look at the page 7, everybody. We're ripping through jerky. Man, I am just ripping through some jerky. Henry got me jerky of the Month Club for Christmas. And God damn it, it's fantastic. Oh, man, I can only imagine.

I got a big bag of jerky that I've been ripping through for a little while now. It's that good wet jerky. Ooh, yeah, no, these are different kind of dry jerkeys, but I think every month it gets we get weirder and weirder jerky. I tell you, at the Dwayne Reed, only two days ago, I went up to the Dwayne Reed jerky area, and I optimistically scoured the jerkeys to see if there was any of vegetarian jerkeys.

Because sometimes, if you're at a health food store, you'll find a vegetarian jerky. So do you usually buy vegetarian jerky when you find it? I don't think I've eaten jerky since I was 10 years old and still ate meat, and I really liked it. I would have a Slim Gym regularly. Well, some gym's kind of fake jerky. Really?

Yeah, that's not real fousy jerky. See, I don't even know what I'm missing out on, but I did look, ambitious. say, I was like, maybe this Bronx, Dwayne Reed will have vegetarian jerky. It didn't, but if there was a vegetarian jerky of the month club, and you're taking notes for Christmas gifts next year, I would

I'll write it down. Rip through that jerky. I don't think they have that, but. What is vegetarian jerky made of? I have no idea. carrots? Some sort of mysterious proteins of some kind. Oh, my God. This vegetarian jerky has the audacity to call itself primal strips. No.

You can't. It's, there's nothing primal about it. It sounds like a dog treat, primal strip. It does. It's got soy, satan, and chitake mushrooms, all with full meaty satisfaction. I don't know if it can. Fake meaty satisfaction. I don't know. Ooh, I would eat it. Oh, they call it alternative meat products?

Yeah. That just makes it rack and roll. I recognize that it's not healthy, so no need for anybody to be like, that's not better for the environment or healthier for you. I know. I'll eat it anyway. That just sounds like the hubistank of jerkeys. Yeah. But, you know, jerky is a sliding scale between high quality and low quality, and I think that we all like all of them.

Yeah, there's Led Zeppelin jerky and there's incubus jerky. I'm a fan of, like, the higher quality jerkeys. More of a Pink Floyd jerky. Oh, yeah. Don't get me certain about Sabbath jerky. No, bat. I need bat jerky, for sure. I don't know if you can make bat jerky because they're so small.

No, you ground it up. you add a whole bunch of them together. It's like six bats per stick. That already eat the wings, fried, like fried bat wings. See, it's really about the spice anyway, isn't it? Oh, sure. That's why you can just put some garbage vegetarian stuff and call it jerky. Oh, yeah.

I found some bat jerky. Oh, no way, that's just some jerky that someone fashioned into the shape of a bat. Also a good idea. Oh, man, I'd eat bat jerky. I'll keep you guys updated on my weird jerkeys. Thank you very much. Don't worry. Bring enough for the whole class.

I can't. I can't because we eat it so fast And there's no sharing in my household Not when it comes to my jerkies Well, speaking of weird shit The official Valentine's Day list for Goop came out Yes I didn't know she had a Valentine's Day list

Oh every single holiday she's got a list This is our show now every holiday we do a goop list It's like there's the regular list And then there's the who's on the goop list Oh no we never sing the song with the word goop Okay, I'm sorry. How about we just call it goopy, goopy, goopy list. What fucking shit's on the goopy list?

Oh, God, put it in my vagina. It's a dread egg. Well, actually, that's not on the list, but we can still start with that. It's the big jade vagina egg that everybody's talking about. It's called the Shiva Rose Jade. egg. It's only $66. I don't understand. Is it like a, like a, I feel like in my mind, it's like one of those sounding tongs, you know, that you put inside your vagina and you go, I mean, I don't

think it's made for your vagina, but I think it's made for some sort of music tool. You know what I'm talking about? See, I was thinking that you were going to say those little egg shakers that you get in like an early music class. Put that and it's shaped like an egg, put that in your vagina. Oh yeah, you just, kchk chich. while you're having sex. I make music through vibrations. Jackie, you're talking about a tuning fork.

Yeah, tuning fork. That is one. But you can shove that up there. You can shove anything up there. But usually, actually. With consent. No, they do shove it up peepies, though. Into their penises.

No, you're just thinking of sounding. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's just a metal rod that you shove up your peepee hole. Why would they do that? Sexual pleasure. Really? Mm-hmm.

They love it. You shove it up there and you go, ting. For people with penises? Yeah, for people with penises. I mean, a woman can shove a steel rod up there and go, ting, although I'm not sure it would have the same effect. Yeah, you can't do the same grip. I feel like I'm gripping right now, and I would grip better with the tuning fork than with a long middle rod. I could grip something in my butthole pretty good.

Sure, yeah. Yeah. You don't really have, do you have, like, autonomous control of your p-hole? Oh, of your p-hole? No, not of your p-hole. Are you trying right now? Yeah, I've got autonomous control of, like, the grondle of, like, you know, the base of it. Well, because that's where our vaginas are.

That's what I'm doing right now. Yeah. That is a kegol, right? Yeah. What I'm doing right now. Can you guys feel it? I think that's called the periotontal muscle. Whoa.

It sounds dinosaur. A lot of serial killers cut them, so I have a fair amount of knowledge with that. Why would you cut them? To make them smile? It's like the Joker. Well, the jade egg. Yes, please back to the jade egg. I'm sorry. The peaceful, sweet jade egg and the vagina.

Well, Yoni eggs, once the strictly guarded secret of Chinese concubines and royalty in antiquity harness the power of energy work, crystal healing, and a cagle-like physical practice. Just smoke opium. If you want all these things of what they was doing back then, smoke some opium. Yeah, or do a fucking cagel without putting an egg in your vagina. Or just a regular egg. They just put an egg in there and see if you can hold it under your lips? I could definitely hold an egg in there.

Like a hard-boiled one, or is this part of like this challenge, like an egg race where you have a little? have to make it across the lawn without dropping it. Oh, yeah, to see if you go all day without cracking the egg. You have to be relaxed as fuck. Maybe that would help, though. Maybe that would teach you. It's like just to chill out a little bit. Every morning I put a raw egg in my vagina.

And if it cracks, I know I've gotten two tense throughout the day. Yeah, and then that's your punishment is you got yokey pussy. Well, that's why you need this egg because it's great for taking away negativity. And it's definitely the one to start with, meaning there are multiple J-Dade. eggs to put into your vagina. Can we get a radius, like a size, like, is it the size of a regular hen's egg? One point two

inches wide by one point seven inches. What is that in quarters? How many quarters is that? Is that two quarters across, four quarters across? How many quarters do we have to put up our vaginas? I mean, that sounds like roughly regular egg size. Yeah, I think it is regular egg size. Just put an egg up there. It's bad to put up

your vagina. Yeah, there was a whole series of articles that was like, don't do this. Don't do it. It's, let's see here. Well, it's supposed to balance your hormones and detox your body. It probably gives you a UTI. Yeah. You gotta wash it off.

Yeah, it's jade is porous and it can trap bacteria and increases the risk of bacterial vaginosis or deadly toxic shock syndrome. Jesus Christ. Yeah. It's porous? Don't put a porous thing in your vagina all day. No, unless it's a sponge or a tampon.

Yeah, right. But you got to keep those rotating. If it's a diva cup, that's fine, but that's like surgical grade silicone. Mm-hmm. Well, next up on the list is the sex dust sachet box. Wait a second. Cess? Dust.

You know, I said I would never buy anything on these lists, but sex dust sounds like it's up my alley. It's only $20 for a box of 10 individual sachets. Satchets? Satchit is. No, wait, no, no, no. Satchet is. What is a satchetit? It's a pouch. It's a fancy way of saying pouch.

But is that a satchel? Is that what a satchel is? No, no, no, no. Show me a satchet. It's a little tiny pouches. Oh, it's like what a tea bag is in. Yeah, like what a tea bag is in. Yes, sex dust, trademark, is a lusting. Oh, it's a trademarks?

Fuck, I hear. It's a lusty edible formula, alchemized to ignite and excite sexy energy in and out of the bedroom. Add one satchet to eight ounces of any hot or cold liquid. It's a special. good with nut milk. You drink it or you put it on your body? You drink it.

You put it in nut milk, water, or tea. It just sounds like fun dip. But they've called fun dip sex dust, which also I am on board with. God, I love some fun dip. Oh, well, also, it sounds like ecstasy. If you want, you know what I call sex dust, ecstasy? Truths.

You know, or any other hard drug. It does work. Man, ecstasy is sex dust. Oh, it's absolutely sex dust. Like, I didn't, what, fucking sprinkle some shit in your tea, and then it's not a turn on. Honey, would you like some dust in your tea before we fuck? Please let me wince open my sachet for you. Make sure you've taken the jade egg out of your vagina.

Tonight feels like a two-satchet. Oh, don't you dare. Valentine's Day. You can also get the pelvic floor exercise tracker. Tracker? Like a fit-bit? Like a fit-bit for your kegles. Well, LV is a revolution.

It's called LV, and it's a revolutionary device that makes working out your pelvic floor incredibly easy and surprisingly fun. It's a small, smoothly shaped pod that you slip in just as you want a tampon. Why is she wanting to put so many things in our vaginas? Because she doesn't have anything else going in there. Now, via Bluetooth. Oh. No. Oh.

No. No. No. The pod links to the LV app, which tracks. Your Progress Through 5-Minute Game-like pelvic floor exercises. I can just only imagine someone on their Bluetooth's at my job. Like, hold on, just hold on one second. Hey, Bajini's, how you doing down there?

Pelvic floor level three. We're good, mommy. We're doing good in here. And that would be the sound of my LV. You'd be like playing music at a party, and then it would be like, attaching to Jackie Zabrowski's iPhone, Kegel, levels completed. No!

Don't lift them, no! You can buy a Prada flashlight for $260. That's for a game of sexy hide-and-seat. Just get a regular fucking flashlight. But it's not from Prada. But it's not from Prada. You gotta get one for Prada.

Oh, my God. For a second, I forgot this was Valentine's Day, and I was like, why are all these sex-themed? And now I remember. Mm-hmm. You can also get a Hill House home, my side, your side, embroidered pillowcase set. to mark your territory.

That's sad. Deeply unsexy. Yes. Maxxie. No, it's the same with like his and hers towels. Like, no, I want to smell your grundle on my towel. I like it. And speaking of smell, you can get some fur oil for your pubic hair.

Oh. Yuck, yuck, yuck. Oh, yuck, yuck. What is it? Oh, God. So here's a question. If you had to get your partner one of those things and use it, On this list, J-D-A-excluded, but Bluetooth tampon included,

what would you get if you had to use it? I mean, satchets, but I would definitely, I would grind up some different drugs and put them in each satchet. And I'm like, what's this one going to be? I don't know. Let's have a weird time. Oh, no, it's a mess night. It's a mess satchet.

That's satchet. I love you. Take that coop. You sure you don't want any fur oil? Why, is that what you would choose? It's a gas essential oil blend. It not only treats pubic hair, it also clears pores and soothes hair follicles

for fewer ingrones and healthier skin. Molly? Fur oil? I don't want the fur oil. No? What was the first thing on the list before the satchet? That would be the, uh... No, the egg, the jade egg.

No, the egg. Okay, no, I don't want the egg. I guess I got to go satchets too. Fucking sprinkle the satchet over a joint and then smoke the satchet. Okay, that's fun. too. That's what I say. You could also get pine pollen to promote sexual energy. You spritz it?

Is it a spritzy? You mix one gram in water tea or a smoothie. I just like, I'm not down in a bunch of liquids right before I bang. She's like, hold on. She's always, she's like, well, the most relatable thing is to always be referencing either nut milks or smoothies because other people are also always drinking fucking nut milks and smoothies all day. Nut milks and smoothies.

Oh, that's such a goop thing. I'll bet she eats only smoothies. And nut milks is just such a horrible, horrible thing to say. And I make myself a smoothie. I like a smoothie. I'll even put some healthy powder in it. But I'll bet that she only has smoothies, and I'll bet they're all green. Oh, yeah.

You can also get some lace bunny ears for $125. Well, looks like the ones from Dwayne Reed. Yeah, you can go around Easter time, right after fucking Valentine's Day. And then you can be a little bunny, and you hop around. Spray paint it black. Or some Tata Harper love potion. This is all such fucking witch-ass bullshit. It's not even witch-ass bullshit.

It's just bullshit. They're just putting things and things. Be like, this is a thing. Yeah. $125 for those bunny ears. Yeah, but you could also, but what about the goop medicine bag? What is in that? Where does that go?

Where do I have to insert it? It's just a bag of rocks. Swallow it. Oh, it's a bag of rocks. Oh, good. The rocks to be slowly inserted in your vagina throughout the entire day. Yeah, yeah, see how many you can get up in there. By the time you meet your lover for dinner,

the amount of rocks you have inside you determines how many years you'll be together. Yeah, you'll be clickety-clacking all over town. Yeah, you'll be landsliding the second you get home. It's like, whoa, rock slide. Whoa. Man, I know something else. I am going to be listening to you on Valentine's Day. Guys, I'm in an Enya hole.

Inya hole. Really? I was making a Josh. I was making a Josh today at work. I was listening to Enya. I listened to Enya for eight hours today. Do you feel good? You feel relaxed?

You feel relaxed? So many Enya facts today from customers while I listened to Enya all day. Everyone has a fun Enya fact. Do you know she's weird as fuck? Yes. She's like, that's what everyone does. No, but like really weird as fuck. Like she's an agoraphobic that lives in a castle

with a bunch of cats. That sounds great, actually. That she's never listened to popular music. She's never listened to contemporary music. And that most of the music she sings is either in made-up languages or in the language from the Lord of the Rings. Yeah, the Elvish.

Yeah, whatever. That's fun. I didn't know that. You should listen to more Enya. I was very at peace. There's a lot of shit going on on the outside world, but get into Enya hole with me. Yeah, you should definitely keep playing. Which she became like a billionaire off of because it became like the song of 9-11.

Yeah, I associate that song when 9-11. Because it became like the song of 9-11. Yeah. And she became a billionaire. Now she just lives in a castle. She doesn't have to do fucking jack shit. She doesn't see anybody. I was just about to say I associate her with 9-11.

Wow. I feel so validated. And she sings, Sailor whip, sailor whip That's what I remember And the rest of them are all, they all sound the same Some are scary though And some are fun

embarrassingly the theme for either junior or senior year prom or homecoming one of those big ones was sail away and of course they were reference no but they were reference I thought it was Enya because I have no references for anything but it was come sail away but I was like why do we have an enya themed homecoming that song is fucking awesome

I love that song yeah I was wrong it's all about aliens coming down is it? Yeah a gathering of angels appeared above my head that sang to me this song of hope and this is what they said

they said come sail away come sail away come sail away with me I love that fucking song arguably the annual one is probably also about aliens yeah sure it's got to be about

something the woman's got a lot of cats she's never been on tour before she doesn't do concerts because she doesn't like to be around people. She probably needs too many machines. Dude, she's fucking awesome. Yeah. Actually, Sail Away is about sailing.

Yeah, I think it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, let me sail, let me sail, let me sail, let me sail, let me sail, let me beach on the shores of Tripoli. Let me sail, let me sail, let me crash upon your shore. Let me reach, let me beach far beyond the Yellow Sea. I, actually, it's not called Sail Away. It's called, what is it, the Orinoco Falls? Orinoco Flow.

And I just want, I think I'm going to hit the age of 15. And if I don't kill myself, I'm going to dress like Enya. She wears long, flowing dresses, a lot of black. She's got a pixie haircut. I think she might be a fairy. Of some sort. Did you learn all this today? Because people were like, can I Google images?

Can Enya for you and show you? Because there are, which I just didn't even notice, there are so many closeted Enya fans out there. because either their parents listen to it just because it's been around for so long. I mean, I used to listen to a lot of Enya because my mom meditated my whole life, so I would hear, you know, milkings of Enya

coming from her room. But other than that, I was like, no, I'm never going to... And I listened to eight hours today, you know what? I was at peace. Yeah. I was that fucking peace, bro. I'd listen to some Enya right now. Highly recommended.

I really like the Inia 9-11 song. I'll sit and listen to that sometimes. The newest album is really great. I think it's called Dark Island Sky. I, something, and like the whole thing, it's like, it's about a journey through time, through human existence, and you go on this journey with her. It sounds, it's even weirder than that. It's called Dark Sky Island. Dark Sky Island, that's why, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, she's just living alone in this castle. The castle's fucking huge. The castle and the cats are doing a lot to make me like her. Yes, I know. And so someone came in and told me that I was like, yeah, right. And so immediately looked it up, and it's everywhere. I mean, it is definitely, like, they have pictures of the castle. She lives in the castle.

lives close to Bono. Yeah, she lives in a castle in Ireland. Look at that place. She's one of the richest female singers of Ireland and... She's third in the list of wealthiest Irish entertainers. She has an estimated fortune of 75 million pounds. Wow. Yeah.

And she's extremely private. The only relationship we know is that she was dating a Spanish man until 1997. That's all you really need to know, I think. A Spanish man. Oh, and those just dresses. It made me think of Stevie Nix a little bit, but not as fun, glittery, more morose. She is a very morose person. I know.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to go on an enya tangent. I just had to get it off my chest. No, it's good. My high school English teacher used to play Enia while we were, like, essay writing to relax us. It worked. Better than a J-Degg. Better than a J-Degg, yeah. teachers used to play boot scoot and boogie what on repeat

i'm booze go boogie songs like that when we would uh just kind of hang out and you know read and shit like that they'd put on pop country at the time so a lot of faith hill stuff like that billy ray cyrus oof yeah i mean it was pretty rough faith hill though you know i can get behind it's like reading a book like don't tell my heart how can you read to that no no no i've learned concentration at a young age Yeah, just to block it out. Mm-hmm.

Go for you. Thank you. Enya's in my body. What if I just started dressing, like her, would it scare you guys? I think you could do it. I don't know. Floy. Billowy.

Yeah, billowy. I want to be described as billowy. Please. Well, the big controversy that's surrounding Hollywood right now. A dog's purpose. Have you guys heard about this? Yes, I am very upset. Have you heard about this, Molly?

No. There's a dog's purpose is the dog reincarnation movie that just came out. Which apparently the book. My mom read the book and like cried for days because of it. I have, I think, selling a commercial for it. Yeah, it's just about a dog that gets born over and over again. You follow the dog throughout every life and it shows you what dogs are good for. It's supposed to be a feel-good, happy family film.

It could alternatively be called All Dogs Go to Heaven, right? It could be alternatively called that. But the big. A big controversy is that a video was released in which someone is trying to push a dog down into like rushing water and it's not that bad, it's not as bad as it's just a dog

that's a little scared and so he's trying to like get it to go into the water. But they force him into the water. It's not a good video. This is on the set? This is on the set, yeah. And so people are boycotting it. But I thought the movie got pulled. I thought it was over. Oh no, it got released. Oh, did? They pulled the premiere. Oh, okay.

Yeah, it got released, but the critics are not kind to it. This is one critic. He's from the Arizona Republic. His name is Bill Goody Coontz. Ha, ha, yeah. Sounds like the title of my February 14th. Oh, yeah, we're going out for the Goody Coons time. Who's my favorite movie reviewer?

Mr. Goody Cootie Cootts. I never miss a column. Goody Cootts on Tuesday. He said it exists largely as a tear manufacturing device. Doesn't surprise me. Pretty much. Well, that's, I mean, just read the book. Yeah.

I mean, my mom, I think she had to put the book down several times and read something else for a while because she was sobbing so heavily while the book. This seems like it's in the same category as those Jennifer Garner movies, like my kid fell out of a tree and then now she's an angel, but she's still alive. No, she fell out a tree and cured her cancer. Miracles from heaven. Remember? No, I don't. And then there's another one. Wait, Jennifer Garner?

Yes. This was the movie that played, it was the commercial that played during the Force Awakens last year. And it was about a girl who falls out a tree and then her cancer goes away. And Jennifer Garner was like, something happened in that tree. Would she get like molesties? No, like God intervened. Oh, she got molested by God. Yeah, it's called Miracles from Heaven.

Yeah, and there's a third one. It's like, I feel like it's the same category as this dog one where it's just like, isn't this like the type of family movies that came out on ABC family when we were children and now for some reason they're being released in the theaters. What's the other one? I feel like, uh, I'm missing out on so much. It's a little boy who says that he's died and gone to heaven. Oh, the burpoh kid?

Tuesdays was Maury. No. It's a little boy who says he's died and gone to heaven and then he comes. comes back and he like tells everybody about heaven. Oh, it was also from like a year and a half ago. I think the kids actually I know that's a documentary. I know that story and that kid's last name really is

Burpo. Yeah, but it's like allegedly a true story but I think that a lot of reviewers by the likes of Goody Coots say that it's a big tear factory. Heaven is for real. Yes. It's got Greg Kinnear in it. But wasn't that based on, I just remember watching

I think it was on Oprah or something of a little boy that went through that and came back and then wrote a book. Is that the book? He did the circuits. But I think it was a scam. Yeah, it was definitely a scam. Oh my God. I hate the racist. What? Only a Lord.

What the angel? He didn't actually go to heaven. He lied. Oh, my God. I'm over. Yeah, but these Christian movies, they make bank. Like, that's why all these people are doing them. Like, this, what is this? This movie, Miracles from Heaven. You got Jennifer Garner, Queen Latifah.

Queen Latifah Queen Latifah's like yeah fuck it I'll do it No see this one makes you think of But it's not a kid one But I think it's Kate Hudson Close my eyes Whoopi Goldberg is God She dies

But just given the opportunity To come back Because it's like love exists I think that was why she came back But Whoopi Goldberg's like She is all knowing It's like that whole thing It's called A Little Bit of Heaven

A Little bit of Heaven Yeah that one's on Netflix It's awful magical black woman. I just remember I watched part of it trying to piece together what the fuck was going on while my nails were getting done so that it was just subtitles and no sound. I was just like, hmm, okay, so let's, but it was fun of the things I thought maybe what was happening.

What did you think was happening? I think I just had a lot more, I don't know, I thought it was a lot more about, like, diversity because, like, the guy was, like, kind of Hispanic, and I thought it was more about, like, she's a racist and, like, God's a black woman. So she's got to go down. And, you know, it's more of like the Twilight Zone movie kind of thing where he gets sent to nom. I'd watch that movie. You're like, I came back and I died and got the black woman and I can't be racist anymore.

And I need to tell people to stop. I thought that's what it was about. And like, our love interest was Hispanic. So I thought, oh, now I can suck his dick. Because God's a black woman. That sounds like a much better film, honestly. Really tackling racism. in an honest way.

I would watch the hell out of that. Okay, cool. I'll start right again. Publishers Weekly, back to dog's purpose. Publishers Weekly called it, quote, a tail wagon three-hanky boo-hooer. What? Goody Coons, get back over here.

Yeah, get me Bill Goody Cootie. Three-hanky? No, no hanky. Three-hanky boo-hoer. Okay, I kind of like me-huer. The tail wagon three hanky boo-hoo. That sounds like someone who fucks a dog against its will. Oh, man, no, that was a three-hanky boo-hoer.

His tail was wagon, but he didn't want it. Oh, it was a three-hanky boo-hooer. I kind of like woo-hoer, though, because it sounds like, I just, it just sounds like when I'm, like, 95, people are going to be asking me, you know, people are going to be like, Graham, I'm going to go to the movies and see this fucking movie about a dog that died, and I'd be like, that's a boo-hoer. Yeah, you got the boo-hooter. You got a boo-hooker. You're going to waste your time on a three-hanky boo-hoor? Oh, God, don't. You're never going to talk like that.

I'm going to become more Southern. No, you're not. You're not going to randomly become Southern. I want to become very Southern and very, very old-fashioned. I found a picture of Bill Goody Cootts. He looks like a nice guy. He's got a big handle barbosset. That's Julie Louise.

No, above Julia Louis Drypice. Above it. Yeah, no, he looks like a fucking three-a-cun-old. Can I spell his name out loud, please? Sure. G-O-O-D-Y-K-O-N-T-S. Four-O's. See, I thought it was going to be a lot more German than that.

Some O-O-U-S. Yeah, an Oom-Loom-Low. I'm sure it was changed for like Gertie Kirti-Kir-Kir-Kir-Kin. Change it's something easier. Goody Cootty Coots. You little bad, Goody Kuntie, which I imagine what his wife says before she peels back her long nightgown. And she slides into bed with him, you bad, G-G-D-C-C-C-E. You want you get your Goody Cootsies, oh, well.

Right? I mean, I hope that Mr. Goody Coots has a great sex line. I just imagine she wears one of those, like, you know, the old school nightgowns. Why do you think that his wife is so conservative? The last name is Goody Coots. That's not a sexy name, you know. Old man, Goody Cootie Coons. It's Old Man Goody Cootts.

She shops out of the Romant Country. store. I think Mrs. Goudicud's could be very stylish and well-dressed. We don't know. She's not. Maybe I'll be the next Mrs. Goudicose. Yeah, maybe he's a bachelor. I mean, I can put in Bill Gutey Kunt's wife.

Bill, that's creepy. She's like, stay, leave me out of this. No, no pictures for Bill Guteikunz's wife. Damn. Maybe he's single. We don't know. He's got a big stash. He does have a huge stash. He does look like a swing and single bachelor.

Yeah, he looks. It looks, yeah, he's got like a good 90s. It looks like he's got business in the front party in the back. Am I wrong? At one point, Goody Coons probably did. Yeah. Goody! Goody!

Showing up at a party with a couple of Sixers of Keystone Paul boys. Oh, that Goody. He knows that of a goody time. Goody Coonsie, yeah. Library Journal called a dog's purpose a multi-hanky read. Why? Why? Why?

So many hankies. Why? Because when is Hanky a metric? I mean, multi-hanky, I mean, that implies it could be more than three. I mean, I've definitely, I mean, lately, the things I've been watching have been multi-hankies. Yeah, but I've had quite a few multi-hankies in my repertoire this weekend. A lot of three hanky boo-hooers? Oh, more than three hankies, multi-hankies.

Multi-hankies, I would say, is at least five plus. Five-hanky boo-hoo. Yeah, I've had at least a seven-hanky boo-hooer. I don't mean to sound like a prude, but couldn't we just call it fucking Kleenex or tissue? No, I think it's a hanky. I think it's a hanky. I don't know, but multi-clean-ex boo-hoo words. Too much of a...

That sounds like a masturbation. Also, it has. It sounds like a commercial. Yeah, it's like, yeah, I sat at home alone tonight and it had a three-cleanx boo-hoo-hoer. Sounds like a fucking masturbated until I fell asleep crying. You're shamefully masturbated all night long. Everyone's like, this film critic came three times

watching a movie about a dog. Oh my God, it makes me happy. You know what? Now I like it. I'm changed. I like multi-hankies. Oh, man, you're so right. Yeah, if I told you had a multi-hanky night,

what would you assume I was doing? It just makes me think so much of hanky-panky. Yeah. And also hanky-banky already, I never want to use to describe my makeup. fucks. I'd rather call it my makefucks than my hanky-panky. I had a spanky hanky hanky.

Ew, spanky. Oh, it was a multi-spanky hanky hanky macky. I used four Kleenexes. God, that's so many Kleenexes for masturbation. Yeah. Four? Four. That's a lot. Multi-cleanx. I mean, I don't know how many one typically needs.

One. I'm not going to get into it. Unlike some of us, Mark just doesn't advertise how many Kleenex users per night. Well, it all depends. That's all I'm going to say. All right, it all depends. All right, I'll accept that answer.

All right. Sounds good. What was your six hanky boohooer this week? Oh, man, I watched Arrival and Moonlight in the same evening. Isn't Arrival great? Arrival is fantastic. Moonlight is fantastic. But I was very uncomfortable and not because of the matter at hand.

I was just so waiting. for more bad things to happen that I think I need to watch it again. There are just parts in it that are so raw that, and you're just so waiting for it to get bad. And so I think I need to watch it again. Okay. I've seen several from the SAG Awards.

I think I saw several very charming, not-annoying interviews with the kids from it who are so-so-good. So cute. And the interview that I saw was them, the interviewer giving them a real softball. like, how does it feel to watch yourself on the big screen? And these kids are like, well, you know, we always kind of like watch our work

and then, like, evaluate what we could do differently or what we could do better. So it's fun to watch ourselves, but also we're kind of always thinking as actors about, like, how we could change our performance. They just gave this such, like, super dignified and not cute and not pretentious answer. And it was just like a real. No, I've got an important question for you. Who's your big ball? Yeah.

And it's like, but what the movie is about is like, you can't. These kids, it's like, no, they had to have something, some kind of head on their shoulders. But, I mean, I just wanted to have sex with a lot of the older men in that movie. We'll say that. This is a six-pankey night. Oh, yeah. That's a spanky-anky night for me. Man, I don't think I really watched anything this week.

Not really. I mean, I've been watching a bunch of Nazi stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Veepo versus OJ Simpson is going to be on Netflix February 2nd. Yeah. Someone posted that on page 7 and I really appreciated that. I watched, this is not exactly the... May I have the floor.

It is not exactly the venue for this announcement, but I'm very proud of myself. I watched my first ever episode of Star Trek yesterday. No shit of original Next Generation. Next Generation. Yeah, Next Generation. That's definitely the one you're going to like the most. The first season's a little short.

It gets really awesome, about 43 episodes in. I watched, I think it was... Jesus Christ. It was a season two. It was about data trying to figure out if he was a human or not. Basically what Westworld stole its entire premise from. It's very, very good. I liked it.

It's amazingly good. Our buddy Logan uses the Captain Picard's speech at the end of that. That's his audition speech. Really? How fun. Yeah. I like that. I know, I just feel like, you know, how I don't know anything,

and I've never seen any good movies, and I don't know anything. But I'm always out of the loop on culture stuff, and now that I've seen one episode of Star Trek, I know there's like 10 versions of it, but I feel like I just have gotten in a little bit of a reference now that I can understand. Yeah, you can get anything. You can also watch some of the episodes where Dade is playing with his cat. He has a cat.

You know, I just, I just, you know, You know, I just. I don't know if I could. I don't know if I can. I didn't think I could. I don't know if I can do it. Yeah, but you're married to one. Yeah.

You know what I mean? One of them. Yeah. You're married to one that, like, it is. Yeah. And I don't know if I could. It was even hard enough with a rival that at least it was really sad, so I had on that. But once they get into the fake, and I'm not, like, against people that like it,

it's just the fake, the gooby-d-d-go. Yeah. No, I'm with you. I was like, well, when the data fields come down through the star netics, will I see the links? Yeah. What are you talking? Like, I don't know what that means.

Yeah. I know what it means. I know you know what it means. But arrival, though, they had to slap in a really, it's like, slap you in the face with like, oh no, this is really sad. Same with Manchester by the sea, where it's like you didn't even see it coming. So both of them are slap you in the face sad. Man, I really want to see all these.

There's several of movies, for the first time, I feel like in a while. There's like many, many popular movies that I want to see. I guess I have to go to the movie theater and see them because I'm not insane. Well, I will not share mine because as everyone knows, I break them in half. When, I watch them. I would never ever ask. Go to the movies and spend your money, Molly. All right, here I go to the theater.

Clunk, clung, clung, clung, clung. Door slew. There she goes. One movie, please. One ticket to moonlight. All right, it's up for the list. All right, who's our list? Marcus, got to have that list.

This is interesting. Celebrities who worked at Disney Parks. Yikes. The seedy underbellies. Yeah, I want to, like, immediately, I want to say Dave Cooleyer. I mean, maybe. I hope he was cool enough. We'll start with Michelle Pfeiffer.

She played Alice in Wonderland in the main street. electrical parade. Ooh, I could see that for sure. I actually think it will be a fun job. I'm probably wrong. But it's scary. It's all scary. I want to see that documentary.

Why is it all scary? Oh, man, I've known many a person that has worked at Disney. It is a creep fest. Because of the cult nature? Yeah, because it's because it's all the underground tunnels. I mean, there's just a lot of weird shit that goes on.

And I just want to see the documentary of it, but it will never be made. I don't know. I have a friend who plays, on a moving piano, she loves it. I mean, of course, but it depends on what kind of character. If she plays on a moving piano, which means she's not one of the character characters. She's not one of the character, no.

She's not the meaning that she's lesser, but she is lesser in the world. I'm sorry, Angren. It's insane. It's a horrible hierarchy of, like, the mass characters versus the human characters versus the people that are, oh, just the performers. And, I mean, it's crazy. Oh, my God. Let's finance this documentary.

I don't think that I think they own too much. Yeah, they, I think those people sign like ironclad NDAs. I know. It's why I even can't even get into too much, too much. Too much. I've said too much. Kevin Costner was a tour guide on the Disneyland jungle cruise. Oh, another lesser then.

But I really enjoy that. I don't think they do that anymore because I think someone died. The alligator who ate the little boy last year? No, that was in one of the hotels. Oh, okay. Yeah, well actually, he met his, he met a woman who was playing Snow Wipe and he married her in 1978. Oh, that's cute. I doubt he is still married.

I doubt it. She was never heard from again. Wayne Brady played Tigger. Wow, I'm surprised he was tall enough. Tigger's just so big. I guess he's, I mean, he's big in comparison to, like, piglet. I guess he's no goofy. He's no goofy, yeah.

I mean, he might not be that. big because piglet's what two feet tall he can't be more than four feet tall I mean yeah it's got to be five five to six yeah but piglet is big in in character form like people wise

but they don't make tigger to scale to piglet's the size of a human they don't make tigger like five times the size of it that would be pretty awesome though I would love to go to like acid trip Disney not just go into disney on acid because that has been done before but I mean like an actual like weird

weird version of Disney I'd like to do that too Let's make one I think we can Okay Terry Gar was a dancer In the parades at Disneyland Just a dancer

Huh Well that's why they moved on to other things Because they didn't get sucked into the world What is your face Molly I just think it would be fun To work there I think I want to work at Disney Okay

I support your dream My friend Ingrid is like She is the happiest clam on the beach Really? Mm-hmm She just sits in a traveling piano It's a piano that like rides around Disney World. Oh yeah.

Do you know the traveling piano? Yeah. She's one of the traveling piano ladies. That's pretty cool. Yeah, that sounds like a blast. Yeah, she even goes on the cruises sometimes. She'll go for like a month or two at a time. That's funny because there's so many kids.

Yeah. But that's the thing is that she's constantly moving. Yeah, yeah. She doesn't have to touch any of them. She doesn't have to talk to any of them. That's pretty great. That sounds like a lot of fun. Yeah, she loves it, ma'am.

Well, a good friend of mine, I mean, this is at Univivivis. Not at Disneyland, but his father has worked there his entire life, and he was Beetlejuice for a really long time. And now he plays Olavander in the wand shop. This is lost on both of you, but in Harry Potter World. No, I'm a huge Harry Potter fan. Oh, that's right. Olavander, the guy, so he's the one that, like, if you go into buy a wand, they put on, like, it's like a show thing of, like, choosing your wand. And, like, and he is olivander.

I really want to go to Harry Potterland. It just sounds like so much fun. It sounds like so much fun. It sounds like so much fun. It's so great. I'm sorry, my. Harry Potter has been my airplane movies while I've been on tour. Oh, that's fun.

Yeah, I watch Harry Potter movie. I'm like 10 minutes away from finishing Deathly Allows Part 2. I'm going to be very sad when it ends. I don't know what to do. You got to find something else. I got to find something else. I watched Bad Moms on a plane. Highly recommend it for a plane movie.

Really? It makes the plane go by fast. That's what you need to sit. You just need dumb on a plane. Yeah, and Milakunis is sexy. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. You agree.

That's my. name. That's another Jackie for you. That's a funny show. All right, it's time for Blind Otto. What? We can't see him. Not too many people work to Disneyland.

So we're going to go for Blind Addox. Oh, okay. All right. That was a short list. It was short list. First up, the child of this A-list model slash part-time reality star wanted a cupcake. The mom said no, because the mom was not allowed any during her childhood. So the child was not going to be allowed any either.

The store clerk said it was an including. Incredibly sad exchange. Northwest. No, no. Katie Holmes. Model. Oh, model. I mean, I'm talking like...

She's just a model. And, you know, reality star. Just a model. Tyra Banks. No, but you're getting closer. That's the same era. Ooh, same era. Heidi Kloom.

Yeah. Wow. No cupcakes for her kid. Fuck that. I don't understand people who say, well, I was very unhappy to never get a cupcake, so I'm going to make my child very unhappy. But look at Heidi Kloom. Like, she's...

still looks fantastic. No cupcakes. No cupcakes. My mother does not get me any cupcakes so you don't get any cupcakes, either. But does she want her daughter to be a model? Sounds like it. I don't know. I think it kind of just sounds petty.

Yeah. Is that a thing? You don't get it. I don't get it. No. Which I would understand. You know what if I didn't have any cupcakes? I fucking kid wouldn't have any cupcakes either.

I get it. Is there anything you're going to deny your child that you didn't have? I don't know. Probably like safety. and sense of self The mother didn't know who she was when she was a child Neither will you

You will always wonder And you will always be scared Thanks up If you don't look good We don't look good Apparently that infamous mantra rings true for this A-list actor Who insists on an insanely expensive

Hair team In every movie contract In Hollywood Nobody knows why he insists on the secretive glam squad. Speculation ranges from protecting a hair transplant to hiding a receding hairline to keeping a beautiful mistress on the team.

Either way, the entire team has a non-disclosure form with the star. Tom Cruise? No. But he's in the superhero movies lately. Hair transplants. Not Chris Pratt. Big jaw.

He's been around forever, too. Not Robert Downey Jr. No, no. Bigger jaw than that. Big job, big head. Big head. Big head. Superhero movies. A-list.

Not Hugh Jackman. No. No, no, not Hugh Jackman. I mean, we've been talking about Manchester by the sea a lot. Oh, fucking Ben Affleck? Hair team. Wow. He does have a big head.

Huge head. He does have a big head. And I could see implants, I'll put in that. But, like, at the end of the day, it's like, it was weird that they all have to sign NDAs because it's not like, like, what do they have to put on his face? Like, does he have acne scars? Like, what else is it? It's just a hair team.

It has to be a fair. I don't trust him. I don't like him. And you know what? Guys, and I'm really sorry about last week. I take it back. I read into the KZ Affleck thing. I'm a fucking rub.

I don't think he's attractive. I don't like either one of them. I'm rescinding it. He's been accused of bad things, right? Bad, bad, bad. He's a bad man. Many bad things. And they keep showing up in the Blyid Adams, too.

Okay. That's one of those things that's like me and girls. I just don't have a reason to protect myself from KCF. Like, I just don't know what he would have been accused of. No, it's all, it's bad. It's sexual heresy. It's bad. It's not good.

But, I mean, he didn't get the SAG Awards, so I'm assuming he's probably not going to get the Oscar. Probably not. But it's interesting with the Denzel thing. Is Denzel going to get the Oscar for Fences? Did you guys see? Do I have to watch Fences? I know we're in the middle of the blind adams,

but real quick, did you see Hoppe speech at the SAG Awards from The Stranger Things? Yes. It was so good. It was really good. Watch it, Marcus, you'll like it, I think. And then Winona Ryder face thing. Yeah, but Winona Ryder needs to fix her face, but.

I think she's just crazy. She's just pilled up. And everyone's like, what's going on? She's, yeah, I don't think she could hear anything, and I think that she was on a bunch of pills. Yeah, I mean. As you should. He's giving this eloquent-ass speech,

and when I want to write her is next to him, just like, what I don't like is that everyone's like, oh, she mouthed, it's too heavy, thinking in reference to his speech, but it wasn't, because if you saw her right before, she grabbed the SAG Award, almost dropped it, and said, it's too heavy. Because you're talking about how fucking heavy the award was.

That's funny, because his speech was heavy, but she's not fucking aware of anything that's going on. She wasn't talking about him. Well, his speech wasn't heavy in a bad way. It was just, like, meaningful. No, she was just talking about the award. It wasn't like he was like, and then the bombs were dropped. Like he's just like, it was just a beautiful, meaningful fucking speech.

It was like a perfect, like exactly if you're going to do something good and political with your award show speech, which I think is only something one out of a thousand people can do. Hop did it. Oh, so, oh, hop the chief. Yeah. Gotcha. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I bet he makes a very impassioned speech.

He did great. He did great. Last up. This is kind of a good speech. Good one, I guess, kind of. Wow, wow, with a flip-flopping on this. Finally, this former A-lister has found a good place in their life. After all the drugs and alcohol and legal problems,

they're considered to be stable by the people around them. This is the best, blank, has been for likely a decade, whispers a friend. I pray that it lasts. Bitchy friend. Bitchy friend. It's never going to laugh. It probably won't, but I feel like I have. I have to say this because I know you're a source.

And that's kind of what she sounds like, too. This woman. I mean, Lilo? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's the one who's doing better than she has been doing it. Yeah, yeah, better than in a decade. But what do we learn last week? Isn't she escorting, which is fine?

She's on the run from a guy that's posing as a shipping magnate. Yes, yes, she stole. Because she, like, decided that she was Muslim. So I feel like that's why this woman was like, well, I guess she still went okay, because she chose something. She feels not. I don't know. I don't know.

Some kind of God. Does it have many arms? I'm not sure. But whatever she's in, she's got a scarf on her head. Somebody tells me, it's the same God as the Judeo Christian God. But I'm not sure. But that's what they say. Is there some kind of Palestine?

I don't know. She's got a scarf on her head and I support. People are afraid of it, but it's Lilo, so how can it be that scared? That source in a nutshell. Please, woman on her front place. That's all we got for this week. Oh, and we were in the top 200 on iTunes this week, as well as Sex and the Human Activities and Roundtable a gentleman.

There's a lot of Cave Comedy Radio podcasts up there, and that's because you guys are rating and reviewing all of our shows. So if you haven't done that yet, go and rate and review all of our shows. shows, especially this one, and help us get up there to the top, man. Hell yeah. Thank you guys so much. And we'll also have our first t-shirt here coming very soon. Here's a little hint.

That's my name. Goodbye, everybody. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.