Page 7 - Episode 191: Sleep Well, Michael Caine

Episode Date: February 22, 2017

Marcus and Jackie are joined by Holden McNeely to review La La Land, learn about the current whereabouts of the Love Actually cast, and dish about celebs who probably have herpes. Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Page 7 ad-free.Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Sometimes you gotta be a couple of cat ladies go around town tiny umbrell spitting that gosses Hot goss we got here not for your ears for our ears private hot goss That's right man if you got any goss right now call up your friend tell them about it Tell anyone any kind of goss you got going on in you right now if you only knew what we know to that. Welcome Holden McNeely. How's it going? Ever even now? Don't do that on the show. Is this the safe space? Is this the safe space? Hi, hello,

friends and fans and enemies alike. I am happy to be here, Jackie, and Marcus. Thank you. Holden from the Rondable of the gentleman is joining us today. Also from Wizard and the Bruiser, Molly is on her honeymoon. She's getting sex dust banged. Oh yeah, New Orleans sex dust bang. Now, Jackie,

what is your favorite episode of Wizard and the Bruiser? Oh, man. How can you pick one? They are all so great. Watching a screen and hitting buttons. Everybody's smiling. It's the one where we talk about video games. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Double seven. Yeah, that was a good one. That was a video game about 007. Golden Eye. I remember that one. Did you play it? I remember I would eat. Actually, I remember I ate a bunch of Bill Tong while I watched my friend play.

What is Bill Tong? It is South African jerky. And they were either South African friends, this girl that she was new to America, so her family would have strips of dehydrated beef, I guess, just hanging and drying in their garage. Smelled awful. But Bill Tong tasted great, so I would sit and watch her play and I would just... We tried vegetarian beef jerky last episode, Holden. Oh, and was it?

the best thing. It was something. It was a thing. Well, you know, I have gotten super used to the whole gluten-free situation at my home with my girlfriend. Gluten eggs. We're talking about some fundamental things that she does not react well to.

So I have now gone through the gamut. Gluten-free bread we had the other night. Gluten-free pasta. I've done it all. I remember for her birthday, we did egg-free, gluten-free cake. And then a real cake next to it.

And I felt so bad for Lexi because it tasted unbelievably bad. And people were laughing about how terrible it tasted. But she couldn't have the real cake because it would make her throw up. Oh, man, our house runs on eggs. Yeah. I know. I got eggs coming out my bazongas. By the way, if you would like some Bill Tong, you can get it here in New York City at a

restaurant called John T. Jacobs. There you go. Oh, okay. I had Fruit of the Earth, Bill Tong. And it was delightful. Actually, it smelled weird. You had to kind of just get it in your mouth. Gluten-free sandwich meat.

Gluten-free beer. Gluten-free everything. I just can't. I can't even. I don't think I could. None of it ever tastes. I'm looking for the Diet Dr. Pepper of the food groups for gluten-free. It does not exist.

What do you mean Diet Dr. Pepper, meaning it tastes like real Dr. Pepper? Tastes like real Dr. Pepper, baby. It does not. I'm a gigantic. What? a Dr. Pepper aficionado. I drink Dublin Dr. Pepper's from Dublin, Texas.

Diet Dr. Pepper does not taste just like real Dr. Pepper. I can't believe! What about Dr. Thunder? Dr. Thunder tastes like medicine, but it's good. I kind of dig it. But I still enjoy it. Dr. Thunder. I haven't even had that yet. It's a Walmart brand.

It's a Walmart brand, so now it's got to get your fix. I just remember that they used to have quarter cans. I miss it. I miss Walmart. You know what? People are like, oh, Walmart's the devil, whatever. I miss going to the Walmart, spending hours walking through the toy section, you know, buying whatever you want for a cheap, low, low price, and the special person in the front

that would greet you when you walked in. We still do it. Every time we are near a Walmart, if we're on a road trip, if we go home, we go to Walmart at least twice a day. Just to see what kind of savings we're missing out on. And what better place to talk hot, sweet goss? And in a Walmart. walking around finding good deals. I almost bought a 65-inch screen TV.

What? Because it was on sale for like $600. And Doug's like, we don't even have a wall big enough to hold that. I was like, well, fucking suit it up to the ceiling then. Yeah, put it in the ceiling. We're over to the ceiling. I remember when we went on that camping trip upstate, we went to Walmart every single day. Yeah, and you were upset about it.

I was fine with going to Walmart. Oh, man, just get so high and go to the toy aisle and get the Hulk gloves. Oh, yeah, just hit each other with it. That are just going through things because you can make it messy. Yeah. Because it's already disgusting. They love it. The workers that love it.

They love new things to do. Anyway, anyway, anyway. Anyway, I got a new thing for you that you might like Jackie. The Love Actually director. Did you hear about this? Turtlenecks. What? Well, Jack is a huge Love Actually fan.

That's great. And the director of Love Actually is going to be making a 10-minute where are they now, special sketch. Oh. I will watch it. As long as Kiera Knightley's dumb mouth isn't in it. Is everybody coming back for it? Yeah. Hugh Grant, Kira Knightley, Andrew Lincoln, Colin Firth, Liam Neeson, Bill Knighty, and Rowan Ankinson.

I was just surprised because everyone said that, because I saw people talking about this, they're like, you know, Liam Neeson and his turtle necks are back. And I was like, did he wear a lot? Then I just, of course, image search, image or search. He did wear only turtlenecks. Speaking of which, you are currently wearing a turtleneck. What is happening? I love a turtleneck. Maybe I am him.

Yeah, I have never noticed this, but you do wear a lot of turtlenex. I love turtlenecks. Gotta keep that neck warm. Yeah, it's from my hickeys. Hickies, people shocking on my neck. Why are you staring at me? Why are you doing it, first of all? Yeah, you stare at me when you talk about him.

I'm sorry. You're Americans, my hickies. That's better. So that does happen, do you get hickies? I don't. I kind of wish I did. Yeah. I have asked for him to suck harder before.

Yeah, just to bring the blood up. Yeah, because there was this girl at my job for a while, and she always come in, she's 27. She's like, you want to see all the hickies all my night? And he was like, ugh. And he's like, I broke my bed last night. Like, you didn't fucking break your bed last night. That poor guy.

He just wanted to go, you know. know, have a little fun and go to sleep. And she's like, let's break the bed tonight. Let's go for hours and hours. Suck my neck. Yeah. He's just like, baby, I just want a little fun. Suck my neck.

But please, let me stop, baby. No, we're taking apart the bed so I can tell my friend tomorrow that we broke it. That's why. Yeah, I think that's what happened. She just took it apart. You know, to each their own. To each their own. Not all, I mean, well, the only thing, other thing going out on celebrity news is,

Angelina Jolie has come out and talked about the divorce just a little bit. Uh-oh, which she's slapping on there. Well, now she's saying that Brad's always going to be family no matter what. Now, she's pulling back quite a bit. Because she was saying he wasn't in the relationship, right? He was distant. He was away. He was abusing.

Yeah, he was abusive. Oh. Emotionally, mentally? All of it. Yeah, I'm kind. Well, he's drunk, and he's a drug user. He smokes marijuana. He smokes marijuana.

He just wanted it. But I love that there's like drug user. Oh, what a terrible drug user he is. I feel like we can talk about it because Molly's not here since, you know, I can't even imagine what she would have to say about it. Ooh, we're going to talk about her behind her back? Yes. No. You're not going to believe the hot goss.

Oh, my God, oh my God, I can't even hold it in any longer. She's married. What? Unbelievable. In sin. about Matthew McConaughey And so everyone's out there saying Matthew McConaughey is a Trump supporter

And shitting on him and all stuff But what he said was that I mean you're not going to I'm not going to the toilet flush territory Because I still love him All right, all right Don't you do All right all right all right

Times a flat circle That he basically You know He was like well he's our president now So why don't we just try and support him And everyone has turned their backs on him him at this point. That is the slipperiest little line right there. I've heard that from so many different people. And there's always like a moment of hateful silence afterwards when somebody says, well,

let's just see what happens now that he's the president. That's like it's either shit or get off the pot when it comes to liking or hating Trump, I think. I just, you know, I still love Matthew McConaughey though. Yes, so I do too. So Molly, so Molly hates Matthew McConaughey. And so this, I just, I pray to the white Jesus Christ that she does not read this art. Oh, my God. She just doesn't like firm buns? She just doesn't think he's attractive. What?

It makes me want to throw up all over myself. She doesn't like hot cross sweet buns? You can park a car on those buns. They are some impressive buns, yeah. Wait, you're talking about his top buns or his bottom? I'm talking about buns for days. I'm talking about buns up and down the man. Well, I mean, this current iteration of page 7

is pro buns. We're pro buns. Yeah, we're all pro buns. Yeah, give me a good bun. Yeah. The women have buns, or is it just, it seems like buns is something that men have. Bonds is a man thing.

Oh, yeah, succulent buns. Yeah. All baseball players, no, even the fat ones. They got buns. Yeah. Sweet, delicious, inhuman buns. Maybe that's why I liked honey buns so much. Yeah?

Ooh, just sink of my teeth. into a big fat honey bun. I felt like you were eating a man's ass. Ass, ass out. That's why I'd always squirted just a little bit of poopy on my cinnamon bud. I go to Cinebun and I'd be like, can you take it at the back and rub your ass on it?

Just for a little bit. Can I watch you while you do it? No, no, no. Okay, it's fine. I work at the airport. Every day, I cannot mess. You will do it. So we're having a great time at the airport.

Am I going? going good right now or am I derailing the show? No, you're going great. Okay, great. I just want to check in and make sure. You're going great. You're doing great. What are you watching right now?

What am I watching right now? Well, we were talking about this a little while ago. We were just finished. Lexi and I just finished people versus OJ. Last night saw the last episode. Bit of a bummer. Wave a J baby. There you go.

It was, um... Did I, did I scare you? Yes. You looked at me. I'm trying to desperately understand the reference. What was that? No, like we're on the wave of J. wave of J.

Oh, the wave of OJ. The wave of OJ. Oh, wave of J. Dude, I'm fucking riding high on a wave of J right now. I'm drinking the juice. That's my way to say. I'm drinking the juice. Can't drink the juice.

Cuba is amazing in this TV show. I think so. I think it's Cuba. Cuba. I don't think it's Cuba, Goulding Jr. Cuba. I don't know. I just was heard, you know.

I'm not throwing shade your way. I'm just saying, like, I don't know. Is it a cube? Or is it a cube? Cube. Is it a coop or is it a cube? I always say coupon. Mark is desperately searching for answers right now, looking for the correct phonetic pronunciation. Yeah, Cuba. Cuba. No, it ain't no Cuba.

You know, it's like... Is it Cuba? It's Cuba. Yeah. Cuba Gooding Jr. You've brought... The Wave of J has brought an enlightenment of which this show has never seen. I know you guys have said a lot of mean, miserable, nasty things about John. John Travolts on this show.

How dare you? But he is dynamite as Shapiro. No, no, no, no, no. We think that he's great as Shapiro. Oh, yeah. But there's a lot of the world. We love John Traud and pretty much everything he does. We think he can do no wrong.

Oh, okay. It's just more his secret. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry, just pause for a second. So what is, Holden, what is your favorite episode of page seven that you're on right now? The one where you're like watching the show. Yeah. Watch the show.

What, target's so much cost. Yeah. And Travolta is getting massages from Boy. Oh, yeah, you're right. He likes to get massages from men. He does. He's a man. Yeah, he likes to go for big burly men.

Yeah. Co-pilots. And I know that that has been talked about on the show maybe a couple of years ago, but still, it was talked about. Yeah, several times. We're on the side of John Trae coming out and being who he needs to be. Right, which he does sort of play this like a feminine Shapiro sort of thing. And they even talk about one point Cuba as OJ is like, if I want to talk to you, I'll get the dick out of your mouth or something like that to Shapiro.

Or something like that. He was like, I'll tickle your bean bag. Or I'll show the boys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I remember that. I remember the montage of different gay things that he said at John Travolta. Yeah, which was bonkers, right? So it was kind of like, oh.

He like made a foppish kind of face. Totally, right? I remember that. Man, I love that show, though. And I'm just in it, you know, we did this. the same thing. I did it in opposite order. I watched the documentary and then I watched People versus OJ. Jackie, you did the opposite. I am pussy deep and fucking made in America right now. Yeah. It's just, my problem is I can't stop myself from screaming at the television. I felt

physically ill after watching that documentary for like a couple of days. It stuck with me so fucking hard. And it was a lot of fun to watch the show afterwards because then and Lexi loved this where I was like, and that happened. That happened. And then that happened. You know what I'm saying? She loves that. She loves that. See, my problem is I can't stop only in the house, which I feel like I can tell everyone that listens to this,

that I keep making jokes about my community and how my community feels about things. And Doug's like, you're not allowed to say that. The Polish community? No. No, the fat white people community. That's my community. Now my community feels about these things, but apparently my community is not an underdog, and I'm not allowed to speak.

I would love to see the spread at that meetup. That's all I'm saying. The Polish. Could you imagine? Or just the fat white people. The fat white people spread at that group group meetup. What are we talking about here? Chick-fil-A nugs.

Oh, baby. At least five trays of them. I'm stuck on that. I can't even move to the other food. I'm filling up on plate with that. I have been recently deemed the Queen of Mayo. So I'm going to say at least, I don't know, eight tubs of mayo. Why were you dubbed the Queen of Mayo?

I just, you know, having mayo around makes my life sparkle. And I ain't talking about no Miracle Whip. You know that. I love Miracle Whip. Miracle Whip is different. It's a different condiment. It's a different condiment. I'm talking about Hellman's real mayo.

And when I just am obnoxious when it's not there. And I need to have it around. Well, wouldn't this be better with mayo on it? You know, every bite I take, like, wow, isn't this sandwich dry? That's the thing, if I ever want to spice up whatever I'm eating, dash the mayo on it. Slap it on there. Slap it on there. Slap it on.

So I am now the queen of mayo. Do not look up mayonnaise memes because they are disgusting. I'm becoming the king of Thousand Island dressing. Wow. I'm putting Thousand Island on everything. Have you added extra pickle to it? I have. I love you dice up some pickles.

You add extra pickles to it. I can't say it. Can Nute stop eating feta cheese. Wow. I cannot stop eating it. I will regret nothing. We have a Greek market down the street because I'm in Astoria, so it's a lot of Greek seafood and stuff.

We went there yesterday. It's called like T'clock Keklink. Oh, yeah, I know that place. We got that. We get the pepperuccini. We get the feta cheese. We drizzle the oil on it. We put a little bit of, you know, I think of some like time on there.

Oh, yeah. Oh, no. oregano on there and with a little toothpicks and we just go to town. I love it. Feta Prince. He's the Fed of Prince. I bowed down to him as the Queen of Mayo. There you go.

So were the King of Thousand Island, the Queen of Mayo, and the Fed of Prince? Speaking of royalty, I did watch the first episode of the Crown. Yeah, I was good. I watched the first like two or three episodes and I kind of forgot about it, but yeah, I like what I saw. I'm down to keep going. It's fun. Is it?

Yeah? Yeah. I feel like I have to watch it because I have to watch it. Mm-hmm. But it's me. Which one? It's her, right? It's like the queen Elizabeth.

But she's young? As a young, like getting the crown, receiving the crown. What about the sex? Can you grade the sex of the show? Um, there's sexless in the first episode. Zero sex. There is, there's some sexiness in the first episode. It's like you see her in like a negligee.

and they're in the jungle, and they're getting a little sexy. Ooh, in the jungle. Yeah, they're getting a little sexy in the jungle, but not sex. You know, it's difficult for me to watch things that don't have sex in them. Well, People v. O.J. doesn't have any sex.

Yeah, but that's injustice. There's sexual tension. Yeah, there's sexual tension. Yeah, between the Darden and the Clark. Mm-hmm. I like that. I like that. I like, too.

Do you think that really happened? Do you think they actually beg? They say they didn't. They say they're just, quote, good friends. They say they did it. But do you think there was even those moments there? I think that there were those moments there were those moments there. They did say there were moments.

There were moments. How could they not be? There were just together all the time. Oh, high tension. What happens in the DA's these days? Like try this glove on, try this glovy glove. That's probably what it was. Yeah, it was a condom.

That's why they did. That's probably what happened. It's probably what happened. I tell you what. Why would he make the man try on the glove? I had taken his arthritis pills in weeks. He had gloves on underneath the gloves. It's fine.

My biggest problem is that not only in my dream, I think I'm talking about this last week that I'm dreaming about OJ still, but every time I have at least one drink in me, I will talk to whoever is closest to me about O.J. Simpson until they walk away. And this is my new party trick. I just get mad.

I just get so angry about it and it's so weird, you know. It's like it's at the core, it's like this hits this weird core of, you know, just two wrongs, don't make a right, you know. I know. Yeah, and it also happened like 13 years ago. I know. 23 years ago. Yeah, really long time ago. But, you know, on the opposite end, there's Lala Land who's up for a bunch of Oscars soon.

And it's a garbage factory. I finally did it, guys. I did it. I bit the bullet and I forced myself to watch it. So why do you hate this movie so vehemently? I am fine with Emma Stone in her big eyes Even though she was forced to play Hawaiian And she's not

Okay, by the way, I do have to say this Just as a little like I have like a giant crush on Emma Stone Yeah, same here Of course, she's gorgeous Yeah, yeah yeah gorgeous I like girls with big eyes Seems really cool

Yeah, I like cartoon women Yeah She is, she is a cartoon woman And I like that about her And then there's, you know, flat, plaid, no, he's more of a herringbone, Ryan Gosselin. And they can't sing and they can't dance and they were made leads of a musical. I think they can arguably dance. Oh, tippy top top top, top, top, slide, twirl, tapy tap tap, I can do that right here.

Can you please recreate the dances from La La Land for the Facebook page? I have to do it live. I can't do it. You know, I have to perform. I can't do it sitting down. Coming soon, Jackie, streaming live on Facebook. We'll do the recreate. All of it.

Tum. Tum-tum-tum-tum. Slide. I felt the music could have been fantastic, but they had to cater to what they had. So the music, in turn, was flat and boring. And it could have been great if they had people who could actually sing. I was excited.

Okay. So, another full disclosure, I did enjoy the film. Okay? And I understand that Jackie is very upset with me. I'm not upset with you. I thought that they did great with what they had. Did you like Whiplash? Yes.

I loved Whiplash. Yeah. Of course I love Whiplash. I love him as stone. I love old-timey musicals. I specifically love the subgenre of film that is modern-day movies that break into silly 50s, 20s musical style numbers, aka Dancer in the Dark, a Woody Allen film.

Can you say you love Dancer in the Dark? I love Dancer in the Dark. A Woody Allen film that I know I know Woody Allen, but everyone says I love you. Fantastic movie. It's the same kind of thing. I think Toby McGuire's in that one. Sider House Rules.

They don't... Men of kings, boys of Indians. Do they... Sleep well, Michael Kane. Right? Yeah, I think. Boys of kings, kings of Indians. No, boys of Indians.

Boys of Indians. Is this one of those types of movies? Sleep well, Michael Kane. Sleep well Michael Kane. I need to check that out. You dings of McDonald's. You gimmies of my goddies. I will have you and I will lick you and I will love you.

Godspeed, Tiny Paine. That's what Michael Cain said to them. Those orphans every night. Every night. I will lick you and I will love you. Licking part is, I don't understand why you had to do that. That happens in an orphanage stays an orphan. It is an upsetting movie.

No, but I'm glad I understand that you like those. But those movies were not. up for every Oscar no demand. This is the issue, right? Especially when you have such an incredible film as Moonlight. The other, I mean, like, yes. Just clearly a better film, in my opinion, as well, right? I just think that La La Land should have been like this fun romp that didn't necessarily

get like every... Yeah, it was like a fun little thing, you know? I also like the movies where it's like the relationship that doesn't quite work out, spoiler alert, you know? Spoiler alert Did I just mess up? No, I don't think so I don't think anybody cares

I sure as hell don't care I have no interest in ever seeing this movie But I will say It did forget that it was a musical Halfway Through The songs weren't quite there And if you really want the best musical of the year Watch Sing Street

And I've been screaming this I haven't seen Sing Street You have to watch Sing Street It is the greatest Watch Sing Street if you want the best musical of the year. So that's the thing. Lala Land was not only not the best movie of the year,

it wasn't the best musical of the year. But it's, you know, so nominated. Was there awkward teen sex in Sing Street? Kind of. When he's singing like that. He must be on Sing Street, baby. Does that how all the songs are in Sing Street? Oh, good.

I'm hoping for a choir musical. Well, it was one of those musicals that's like a hidden music. Like, it's not really. really, it almost doesn't feel like a musical because the music's so organic to it because it's about a guy. And Scotland, a kid who was trying to impress a girl in high school, so he forms a band. So all the songs are like just this band.

And Marcus, for you, we're in a band called The Cowman together. I think you'll get a lot out of watching the process in the film of them, like, writing the songs together because they nail it. I wanted to see this. Like, I really wanted to see this movie. I think it's on Netflix. Yes. It is on that.

Okay. Totally on Netflix. Yeah, because I was between, we were either going to watch Sing Street or green room we went for green room and if you want very different films and if you want and if you want songs motherfucking sing street if you want good at because that's the thing with i was looking forward to la la la lings i'm like i can't wait for the they're gonna have great songs in this movie the opening number was was pretty cool and um the her her final what did you think of her final like kind of uh monologue audition kind of you know a climactic moment or whatever i thought that was good

The single camera, you know. My problem is that at that point in the movie, I was solidly just making fun of it. So I had a really great jokes about it, so I don't want to get into it because I would, you know, don't want to spoil the movie further. But, man, was the jokes I was making,

I was on fire. Should have a riff tracks. Yeah, I really should have collected myself because I was just hung over, sitting on the couch, Nick's Doug's Bill. This fucking, and then she's like, me.

And then I would, You know what she should be doing? And there's a lot of what I would do if I was in her situation. And how did Doug enjoy this? He loved it. Okay. Yeah. He loved it.

Did he also dislike the movie? He was fine with it. He's just whatever. Yeah. Blank slate. He's just the easiest person of all time. He thought that they should have had singers. Yeah.

That was the only thing. They should have been singers. They clearly don't have quite the pipes, but they also didn't really have the songs. Like, who was writing that? Literally the movie forgot it was a musical for the second entire. second act of the movie. No songs in the second act. Pretty much.

Like they just, it's just this happens, then this happens, and this happens. Oh yeah, we're a musical. And then they did a big, giant, big musical ending kind of thing. But yeah, it was weird. Like at one point when I was watching the movie, and I was, this movie is made for me to love it.

Emma Stone, the guy who directed Whiplash, whatever his name is, who gives his shit what his name is. A modern day kind of tale that breaks out into old, old timey style musical numbers. This is my movie. And then just, you know, it was like, I was shocked that I was kind of just, I enjoyed it. But the thing is, I didn't like either one of them.

You don't think they have chemistry? Oh, no, I thought that they were great acting. I mean, as characters, I was like, fuck this person, fuck this person. They're all just actors, right? Yeah, or like, one's like a jazz guy. A tiring to be a jazz music. And the other one's aspiring to be an actress.

So you have one song that's just like, Booty, Bip, Bip, Bip. Oh, there's so much. There's a ton of that. There's a ton of like, this is why jazz is a hot, cool cat. You go, scat. I'm using my drums. I'm using my arms.

I'm using my arms. I'm looking at all. Also, it's Ryan Gosling, like the whitest human being on the face of the planet. Get a black man to play it. Get a black man to play it. It might have actually serviced the role for it to be a black guy. That's part. Just railing away at Emma Stone.

Just slamming her. against a wall. I started screaming that about 25 minutes in about how it should have been a black actor to play that role. That's what I kept screaming. But I think it's just the chemistry between those two. I love crazy stupid love. I love their chemistry. I love love.

You know I love love love. The band love is fantastic. That song? I get knocked down. And I get knocked down. And everybody give it out. I get knocked down. Yeah, I know that song. Yeah, that was love. Oh, good, good, good, man.

Chumbawamba covered it. Yeah, yeah, that's cool. The originals from like 1968. It's very strange. Yeah, dude, man, I'm easy, breezy, beautiful cover girl. Yeah, absolutely. Clay mask. I got a clay mask in my Cosmo and I used it.

It felt like clay was on my face, so I took it off. You did do a clay mask. Well, it came in my Cosmo. Yeah, you read Cosmo? I've gotten Cosmo every month, and since I was 16 years old. It impacted your life. You know? I use teeth when I suck dick.

Yeah. There's a lot of don't suck dick how Cosmo teaches you how to suck it. Oh, yeah, and I put lemon juice in my hair every morning. Hoping desperately it will get lighter and I don't have to pay for it. It doesn't. I just remember one time you were like, Cosmo told me to give a hand job like this. And then you made this vigorous cranking motion. It was so scary.

I was like, never do that to Doug. Never, ever do that. God, Cosmo has great tips. I feel like they must be joke tips. I want to write for Cosmo. Yeah. I'm putting it out there. All the Cosmo editors, listen is, I'll write for it.

I will get a bit. All of his tips. Oh, I went to the cosmopolitan.com. It says there's not going to be an Alan Rickman part in the Love Actually sequel. Why? They won't revisit. That storyline's not going to be revisited at all. I hope he's fucking dead.

Alan Rickman? Cheaters should die. He died. I know. Well, interesting. Maybe you should have been paid to cheat. Like those fucking lawyers in the OJ trial, they all died of tumors and cancer and shit. Oh my God, but that Joanie Mitchell scene.

Except for Efflee Bailey. Who's still alive and kicking? Crushing it. He's rocking it. What about the Johnny Mitchell scene? What are they going to do? Emma Thompson. Oh, I'm actually, you bitch.

Chew, is it going to be like Easter? Yeah, that's what I don't understand. Easter. What if it's just like gna? Love Jesus. It's just like all, it's like a church. They won't. It's all about love.

That's what they say in it. Are they going to do a Mariah Carey cover? Oh, well, they have to. I wonder if she's going to, no, she can't be in it. The little girl? No, no, I was thinking of Mariah Carey. or actually is going to be in it. But then the little boy grew up

and he looks all weird. He's got big neck syndrome. Like the guy in a walk to remember. Is he going to be in it? Yeah, he's got big neck syndrome. That's going to be that. That's the main plot of the love actually thing. Actually, this kid's neck is too big what are we going to do about it?

Maybe he's chop it off. Hold on. How do you deal with it? Oh, how do I deal with big neck? Mm-hmm. I get Lexi to squish me down every night. She sits on my head. squishes me down.

But she's probably not heavy enough so she has to hold a bunch of books. That's the thing. She's a hold a bunch of books and much of extra weights. Thank you, Jackie. You're welcome. That's very helpful of you, Jackie.

Always watching out for my boy. Also, John Legend should not have been in La Lall Land. Just aren't there out there. Whoa. Taylor's all that time. You're looking forward to that? Did you listen to the

Ariana Grand, John Legend version of the song? No. Why did you do? it just leave alone lead it alone so you were not a legend lady I'm not a legend lady I'm not a legend lady

I'm not a legend lady I'm sorry I just like I I forgot to throw the shade on the podcast because I remember I was drunk and we were talking I was talking about it I think with Andy Clark on the Facebook page we were going back and forth about it because I was very upset because I listened to it and just drunk alone and just be like fuck this song I hate the news song.

Because I do. And it's not as passionate because if you watch the Celine Dion and Echmeaggy, he's got a Jerry girl. He's probably named Dylan something. No, no, he's got a Jerry Curl. Lionel Richie. No. It's one you don't know.

Okay, a Jerry Curl, I don't know. I can't. We won't be able to say it then if we don't know it. I don't know. If you look up Sleepy on. And you look at the Beauty of the Beast song, but in the video, they look into each other's eyes and they feel the magic of what the rose brings that.

Bebo Bryson. Bebo! That's why I remember. Bebo Bryson? That is a clown's name. That is a clown's name. Bebo! He has the voice of a fucking angel.

Are you excited about the new Beauty and the Beast with another Emma that I also, you know, think is cutey with a little bitty-booty. She ain't got no booty, but she'll cutie. I'll see that. She got a better booty. She's got some booty. She's got some booty. I've seen some pictures on the red of her booty.

She's got the booty. I've gone to the subreddit Emma Thompson before, and I've also gone to the Emma Stone subreddit on Reddit. On Reddit, very highly recommend. Emma Watson. Emma Watson is the old woman from Lovellia. Oh, Emma Thompson is. No Alan Rickman.

There you go. Although I would rather jerk it to Emma Thompson. Just because I don't think that, like, you're allowed to ethically jerk it to Emma Watson because of all the like feminism things. What are you here? I don't because I I just did Harry Potter

which you've talked about you know Lexington I did the whole books and the movies all last year right and it is strange to see her sort of to know her from a little girl and it affects my ability to masturbate to her now and that's good I'm glad it is atrocious

Ewan McGregor's Lumiere I will throw that up there. Yeah. And it will bring me out of the entire movie. And I have slapped my mole to Ewan McGregor more times than I can fucking can't. Is Lumier the candle? Yes.

Okay. But Ewan McGregor has such a fucking terrifyingly awful French accent in it. And I love Ewan Greger. And I don't know if he's still hot, but in my head he still is. See, he's going to be like the What's His Name from Le Maiz, the Crow. and Les Mes Robb the guy that was awful in Le Mez All of them

All of them? What? What? Russell Crow? Russell Crow, right? Oh, yeah, yeah. He was like the one that everybody shat on in that movie.

No, Hugh Jackman was amazing. It was just, you know, it's just never going to be, Hugh Jackman was amazing. It was just everybody else on the head issues. Le Mess was great. You know that I love it

and I love it forever. I just had my issues with it privately alone. You're being a real la-la-land right now about L-A-Mez. Don't, yeah, you fucking. Dune, ding, bing, bing. That's a whole movie was just four notes of a key,

and then like a knowing look. Like, ding, bing, bang, bang. Oh, we're in Lala Land right now, aren't we? I'm sorry. This is part of all of the jokes that I made while I watched Lollah Lola. Yeah, speaking of Ewe and McGregor and his performance of that, you know, he redid it. They made him redo it?

He redid it. He had to read because he sounded more Spanish than French. Because it was so bad, and I am saying it's someone that's like, yes, my friend, he ate all my liens. Lomerte. Yes. Oh, how'd that you? It's said like, wow, Lumiere, beauty, beast. That's good.

I'm Lumiere. Exactly. This is what he sounded like. Oh, no, I've got Gendez for hands. How do I pick up a dish? How did they even, or make it a real, there's so many good French actors they could have gotten. Again! This is, I've been, I feel like, I gotta calm down.

I've been getting mad guys. What is it about, they get their money. From, you know, Ewan McGregor. Oh, you and McGregor's in it. Okay, I'll see that. Yeah, but there's so many other, Jejean, Jeanne, Jeanne. Yeah, Girard de Pardue. The only French actor.

That is the only French actor you can name. It's been that way since the show began. No, no, what about Joe? No, no, there's another one. Friferon, Chris, Fleron, Gle, Fla, no. What about Frank de la Mild? We've fronde de la Monde.

Le vacancy, Rons. Your own de, de laudeau. He's great, though. He could be everything and everything. He pissed himself on a plane and pass out. That's happened to everybody. How many, who has that not happened to? Who is the last time you pissed yourself on a plane and pass out? Like, when is this last time we traveled?

Two weeks ago Went home Yeah That's what you do All right stuff For the list Who's on the list Who's on the list

Marcus Gotta have that list It's like the part of the fucking Ellen song Who's on the list Marcus Gotta have that list That's pretty good You got

See there you go It Listen to it Every day Every day 52's famous people Who probably have herpes Ooh that's fun

Okay Jessica Alba got it from Derek Jeter. Oh, oh, God. By the way, everybody has herpes. Everybody has some kind of herpes. I got lip herpes. Yeah, I do too. We all have herpes.

You have herpes. I don't have lip herpes. Okay. Don't worry about what I'm Donald. Scarlett Johansson got herpes from Derek Jeter. What is wrong with you, Derek Jeter? He needs to have a mouth guard on. Don't they all wear mouthguards?

In sports? Put them on. Man, Scarjo, huh? He banged him all. He banged him all. He was, it's those eyes. Yeah. He's got the eyes.

And he's just ripped. You just climb up him. But he wasn't that ripped for very long. Yeah. Not anymore, right? He had buns. He had buns. You, honey, honey, buns.

Put some cream up on my buns. You know, I am straight as the day is longer than I'd ever want it to be. But I would totally just draw a map on those. buns. Right on his buns? You don't have those buns, Marcus. I put a hot dog in those buns. Oh, yeah. Slipping it around, mustard and ketchup. Mustard only, it's a ballpark dog. You're right. I'm sorry. I forget

or who I'm talking to. Paris Hilton definitely has herpes. Yikes. They've cleared out one of her storage lockers. There was a prescription for Valtrex in there written out to her. She also looks like she's had the, what's it called the acne medication that makes your face tight? There's an acne medication that makes your face tight? I had a friend that used it for years. It works, but it also makes you suicidal, and that kid crashes plane into a building.

Yep. Not 9-11, though. That was a different... Not 9-11, it wasn't by acne medication. It's like the big one. Glamtrak. His face really tight, and she looks like... Because it didn't seem like she had facial surgery that young, but her face always seemed really clean.

P. So there's a pee. Piss. Yes. It's when you put piss on your piece and it gets rid of your ass me. Piss tracks. But it can't be your own piss. It has to be somebody else's piss.

Preferably a Native American. Somebody with herpes, which is probably why she got them. There you go. Brittany Spears supposedly seen purchasing the herpes medication Voverax in a drugstore. Wow. But then how did they keep those flare-ups under control? And what if she just did it for her dog? I mean, we never know these things.

Kim Kardashian definitely has been photographed with a sore or two. She has a lot of sores. I get sores though. Yeah. So I'm in full disclosure. I have had many a sore. Yeah. Yeah, Marcus, all the time gets some.

Constantly. Not all the time. It's all the time. There's always something just growing on my lip and really like eating its way into my face. It's sickening. I don't really get the sores as much, but I definitely have them. Oral ass herps. Mm-hmm.

Rihanna and Chris Brown gave it to each other. Of course. Yeah, I bet he gave it to her. You kidding me? Beatist. He's a beatist. You don't like him?

Ooh, you bad. But he has some good songs, Jack. Never listen to a track. Never give him a cent. I love that that is the way that we are as a country. It's like, but he has some good songs. They're so good songs. No.

They make you want to dance. No. you put your hands back in your pants and sit alone. Jessica Beale got herpes from Derek Jeter. What? He got all of them. God damn.

And it was like he just did like a 90s roundup. I wonder how many times he had to read sides with him for an audition the next day? Never. No, he probably had his assistant do it. Oh, true. Yeah. Brad Pitt, he's rumored to have had herpes since before Jennifer. Anderson drug user.

Also from Derek Cheater. Man, talk about a tape. PIN, Cheater? Mariah Carey got it from Derek Cheater. No way. Wow. No way.

Is this just a list of people? Most of them got it from Derek Cheater. Wow. They could be interchangeable. Yeah, but I thought you only get it if there's like, if you have the sore at the time. It can be right before you get the sore or right after you get the sore. See, I got it from a girl who was just over the sore.

Wow. Yeah, but it was still, you know, pretty infectious. Damn, sucks. Mm-hmm. Dicks all clean, though. That's cool. That's the thing. This ain't people, oh, nasty list.

But this isn't that nasty of a list. I want to say, like, 80% of the American population has some form of herpes. There's a lot of herpes rolling around. It's insane. Pamela Anderson has both herpes and hepatitis C. There you go. Yeah. I mean, you know, she's just.

Got it. She's just like a cage for it. She's like, um, chicken wire. You know what I mean? Like, not all of it gets through. I always said that would happen as the sequel to Barb wire. Pamela Anderson did chicken wire to be like Dark Night Returns. But for Pamela Anderson, you know, to be like her coming out of retirement, old woman

haggard, coming back in, fucking ripping shit up. Alyssa Milano got her piece from Derek Jeter. What? Ooh, again, a sex tape I would watch. Yeah. Elizabeth Malano's so fucking hot. We all had a thing for Liza Malano. She also designs paper towels.

Oh, that's fun. I did buy a bunch of Alissa Milano inspired designs on my paper towels. I bought them for that. Wouldn't that just be so fun to make it so big that you can just decide to do whatever stupid bullshit you want to do, like, make, like inspire paper towel designs? that's just how you live your life.

And they were dumb. They were good paper towels. I bet they were terrible. I mean, yeah, they're Viva paper towels. Oh, how dare you ever speak ill of Viva? Viva is the only paper towel. Viva La Paper towel. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. So you're a Viva girl. I'm a Viva girl. I'm a Doughty boy. I'm a Doughty boy. You're not allowed to say that anymore, my boy. Katie Holmes. Katie Holmes?

Man, it's just like Dudd girls. It's like, look at all these DUD girls. It's like, look at all these. Good girls that also have things grow on their face every once in a while. Michael Jackson was sued by a woman who claims that Michael Jackson gave her herpes back in the 70s. Children ain't got herpes. Yeah. Come on.

What are we talking about here? That's the one thing he's safe from. STDs, right? Sex with women. Blanket. Allegedly. Allegedly. David Beckham and Victoria Beckham.

It looks like they might be heading for a divorce, by the way. Ooh. No. I'm shocked they didn't get a divorce years ago. No, but their kids, they have a rap star now. She seems like a real B-I-T-E. Well, she is a posh spice. Bitter-Person.

He's a better person. Justin Timberlake. Because he... Jessica Beal and has dated many of the same women that Derek Jeter has dated. So I wonder if you could play like a sort of like Kevin Bacon-esque game. but with herpes and Derek Jeter with anyone you've had sex with. To see how close in steps you are

to getting herpes from Derek Jeter? Six degrees to Derek Jeter. I bet that there is some form of game you can play with that. We have to figure it out. Jordana Brewster, another one from Derek Jeter. See, I bet anyone you've gotten herpes who has gotten herpes,

you can trace it back to Jeter. Well, you know the girl you got the herpes from, right, Marcus? Yeah. Do you think you could trace it back six steps, Derek Jeter? Absolutely not. She wasn't that hot.

Yeah, but six steps, though. Six steps, though. It's all, we're in New York City. People get drunk. People lower the standards. Oh, yes. Oh, have I, and oh, will I? Will I ever?

You should have seen some of the dogs I've taken home in my forbidden past. I remember they barked at me. And I said, I like your teeth. Orlando Bloom, how you like that, Jackie? Yeah, you know, it's probably because of a little. Elizabeth town. It's because of Vanessa Manillo, who got it. Vanilla.

From Derek Jeter. God damn it. Six degrees of Derek Jeter. Sports Illustria model Hannah Davis from Derek Jeter. Derek Jeter, give me somebody. See, now is the time. All right, no, maybe not now. I'm going to get married.

I'm going to get divorced. And in 10 years from now, I'm going to go after Derek Jeter when he's nice and old. Do you think that he'll still, he has. Does he still have the money to bang when he used to bang? Yeah, he always will, yeah. That's my problem. Maybe once he loses his eyesight, and I can pretend, like, all of my curves are other curves.

You know what I mean? Like other women? No, like, I can boost my curves, like, oh, it's not belly fat, baby. That's just all my breast. Ah, yes. That's what I'll say to him when he can't say to him. It's my breast. And I say, you throw him your curve, ball, baby?

Well, you're also apparently pretending to be some kind of weird. Spanish-French maid. Oh, yeah, he can't understand. I mean, he probably listens all these podcasts, so I don't want him to recognize me. I clean your sheets. I clean your cook. And I clean your dick.

I clean your boopy. That's your holy. It's your booby hole. Oh. You think you're being bad. Sorry. And I like that. Yeah, it's Valentine's Day.

You've got tips on how to seduce your man. Nightcat. Oh, night cat. Oh, is our blood out house? One, two, three. Oh, we can't see him. It's like teaching the newborn deer how to walk. First up, part of the problem in the marriage between this foreign-born A-list franchise actor and his part-time actress wife is the amount of steroid.

he takes to keep his body pumped. The temper and lack of sex drive has been a big strain. He's a superhero guy. Um, what's his name? Captain America. Uh, close. Richard.

You would know more about these things. Superhero things. I'm a big, dumb nerd. I know, you're a big dumb nerd, and I don't have Molly here, so you need to know these things. Vigo Mortensen! No.

Oh, I forgot to talk about Captain Fantastic. God damn it. Hugh Jackman Logan And Captain He's in the same movie as Captain America Iron Man No, not Iron Man Not Robert Downey Jr.

He had a drug problem The big buff man Chris Evans No no Hulk he's talking about Hulk He's talking about Mark Ruffalo No you're getting so close

Strong You got the Chris right Mark Ruffalo I'm saying it's I'm staking with Mark Ruffalo Miley Cyrus Hemsworth Yes

Wow good work I'm terrible at names This is a nightmare segment for me. I cannot be in this segment. Wait, so what is he doing? He's doing so many steroids. He's not fucking anymore. Oh, yeah, he wasn't fucking for a long time.

Balls get shrunk. Balls get shrewk. Man, but talk about a brother sandwich that I want to be the sister of. The Hemsworth boys. Yes. Just two brothers awkwardly having sex with you? Yes, and they can't look at each other

and they can't touch each other. Really hard time, like, being like, how do we get in this situation? We're having sex with this strange woman. Because she's a billionaire and she asked for it. That's all they keep saying. So like one on each side type of situation, or you want them all up in there? No, I would say one after the other. And one's having an incredibly hard time getting it up because of all the steroids he's taking.

That's fine. Just sounds like you should think this through before you enact on this plan. But he's also having a problem because his brother is in the same room. Yes. I mean, you ever. I would throw up. up on the woman. If my brother was in the same room

trying to get his Johnson staring at you. Well, is one like waiting for the other one to finish? Yeah, the other ones, I feel like Like on his iPad or something? Like in the corners? Is he like waiting in the bathroom?

He's memorizing lines for his next project. Are you sure? I'm pretty sure he's playing Candy Crush. He's not memorizing lines, please. No, he said he had work to get done. Next up. Apparently, this tabloid Goliath took some orders from

their parent company to help throw a movie under the bus, a little revenge against a producer. This is going to end up costing the parent company and its tabloid a ton of money. Perez. Which movie just got thrown under the bus recently? A dog's purpose. TMZ. Wow. Had a beef with one of the producers.

So they made that fake video. He said that the video was fake. The video was fake. The video was fake. Video was fake. Video was fake. Video was fake. At the same time, that dog did look scared.

That dog did look scared, but it's not the three-hanky boo-hooer that we thought it was. So somebody just made a dog really scared to sabotage a movie? It's a shitty-ass movie. What world are we living in? This one. This is the fucking world we're living in. Trump's America, you go ahead and toilet flush me. I'll accept it.

Now it's... You get a toilet flush. Yeah! I got a sling of my first. once in a while. All right. Never mind. I take it back.

Make that dog scared as fuck. Oh, I don't give a fuck. All right. And last up, this group was nominated for a Grammy, but let's be honest. Their time to shine was over a decade ago. Their public face still thinks the band is a plus plus list and treats women like it. At a party last night, he got rejected from woman after woman. This was at the Grammys, by the way.

He finally managed to hook up with a woman who remembered the band in all. also thought they were so relevant. She was drunk, so maybe that's why she thought they were still good. A band that got nominated for Grammys that was relevant? Metallica. No, but you're in the good genre there. Good genre. You're in the same kind of genre.

Avenged sevenfold. No, but you're getting closer. Okay. Really big in the 90s. Fallout boy. Nah, getting a little further away. Yeah, yeah, that's 2000s. You're out of my wheelhouse.

What terrible band did you love in the 90s? Green Day. No. Lincoln Park. Closer. You liked Lincoln Park? Of course I did. Why, Jackie.

Wait, wait, explain. I'm sorry, explain this. What do you mean? Yeah, explain this. Because I was edgy and hardcore. Oh. God, Lincoln Park was sort of the kids who thought they were edgy and hardcore. Whoa.

Real edgy and hardcore kids listen to Limp Biscuit. Core. Core. I didn't know they were part of the... How did they get not? They had a new album and they got nominated for Best Metal Album. Wow. I think it's, because I checked out at that point, I was like, I don't give a fuck about this.

I can't believe I didn't guess, Corne. I was almost there if you could give me one more, because Limp Biscuit, I was there. Wait, no, are we talking, this is a bar with the ba' with the ba'am with it, right? Ba'a with Da Boat de Ba'Kitt'Raw. Same difference. Ba'a B'a-Dibing-Dibing-dibing-dibing-dibing-dibing-a-Bonged-Begna. Deggit-Bonguey-Begna. Corn was umbap to beemba-b-b-b-b-d-da-b-da-pap.

Oh, yeah. Wait, no, wait, no. Are you ready? Yeah. Yeah, that was corn. Yeah, that was corn. I guess I never was as into corn. Yeah.

Yeah. But corn was still pretty shitty. The shitty was. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But, you know, it's, you know, more like, uh. Corn is bad. Got my life into pieces. Pieces.

My last resort That was paparote. Yeah, maybe. The fucking chin. Nobody. Nobody. You legitimately dug that song. I think that's when I finally checked out.

I think, but you were, you know, like a thousand years older than I am. Yeah, it's the thing. I checked out with Lincoln Park. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Lincoln Park was like definitely the first member where I was like, wait, this is what the kids were listening to? Like, it was that was the first time that ever occurred to me. I think that is our generational gap right here.

Yep, Lincoln Park to Limp Biscuit. We're not that much We're like three years older than you You know at that time period though It's such a difference Lincoln Park music Corn slash Limpisket to Lincoln Park That's like the perfect divide

Yeah boom right there In terms of shitty music In terms of awful bands That we should not have listened to Yeah well you know what corn should just Stay where it is Yeah So I'm gonna say

I appreciate them for what they are What they mean What do they mean Ging up Bitty It's just how, you know what they mean? They mean how, it's how ridiculous pop music can get, especially when pop music starts off like with something kind of real like Nirvana was.

Like that sound was real and it was the first time pop music, one of the first times pop music was getting like a raw sound and how dumb as fuck it can get based on that because it's always going to be pop music. Yes. PSA. Don't put a bullet in your head. And all of the music will get back. And happy 50th birthday, Kurt Cobain.

Yeah, happy 50th on President's Day. If you were alive, but you're not fucking killed yourself. Yep, killed himself. Or did he? Or do you. Yeah. But did O.J. do it? I was going to say, but the jury is in on something else that he did not do it?

DoJ definitely killed those people. He killed that man and that woman. Cuba Gooding Jr. does such a good job of being. like confused and like angry irrationally angry and he's like this big baby he does such a good job of portraying o j it's so good it's so solid yeah that's it for this week's page seven we got to get out of here thank you everybody for listening we'll be back next week for more shows like the one you just listened to go to cavecomedy radio dot com