Episode 194: Date Night Ruined
00:00Hard muffins on your head.How do you take away and make my muffins limp?Welcome to page seven everybody.The irony is that no one ever wants a hard muffin.No, Cori, what do you mean the irony? Is that an actual...What's ironic?Isn't it ironic?A hard muffin is that...
00:22Don't you think?It's not like there's a...It's not a well-known idiom involving hard muffins.hard muffins.Jackie just made up a saying and was like, you know what's ironic?It's this saying I just made up doesn't make any sense.It's so ironic.Oh, my God, I'm so quirky.
00:40Everyone thinks I'm quirky.What's ironic is the nonsense spewing from my face.Man, I've had Baker Street stuck in my head for days.Bim, bim, bim, bim.Okay, now I got it.I needed the full.The lyrics are so sad.Why are you singing like an elevator music version of it?
01:13Well, that is, no, that is what happens in my head.That's my mouth saxophone.Oh.I think that you're just not appreciating my mouth saxophone.It just sounded a little bit elevatory.I'm sorry.I just can't hit the pitch a saxophone can.Oh, no, Baker Street's very elevatory.
01:29No.Oh, yeah, Baker Street by that fame.Jerry Rafferty, how dare you say he's not?Another year and then we'll be happy, but you're crying, you're crying now.It's all about you keep thinking that you're going to get, you're going to get it, you're going to get there, but you know what, you don't.God, that song's like six and a half minutes long.And I love every second of it.They've got that whole like, beo, peer, peer, peer, peer, peer.
01:59They have like the whole guitar solo.You know this song, right?Uh-huh.Yes.Yes.Burp-p-p-p-p-p-boo-poo.Bur-p-poh.I was mouthing me playing the saxophone while I walked down the street today.
02:28You're very soulful.My saxophon is.God, I just want to play a saxophone.It's possible.No, it's very expensive.You got to enroll in elementary schoolSo that you can rent the $50 oneThey don't give saxophones to children
02:42AnymoreThey shouldn'tNo, they didMy brother was a childHad a saxophone at homeWhich one?CharlieGood wind
02:52Charlie was a woodwindThomas was a brassAnd I was a percussionistStrong mouthThomas was a trumpeterAnd I was the tink tink tink tinkDack Dack Dack DapperDugmer drummer drum
03:02Oh yeah I know the Ducky decksYou got the strongfingers, your brothers had the strong mouths.Interesting. Notme. I ain't got a lick of any of it.They used to say I had handsthe fingers to play a piano.And I don't.
03:19They said you had pianofingers? Yes. I rememberthere was this old woman that used toquilted my mom's house. You'd grab my hand. She goes,your fingers are so long, you could playthe piano. I was like,I don't want to blame you.It's not that you don't have the right fingers.
03:35You don't have the right attitude.Yeah.Or the right, patience.I have no patience to learn any kind of instrument.Fuck that.Your voice is your instrument.You're a talented vocalist.Not today.
03:49Not today.Only for saxophones.I'm only for saxophones today.Take your voice and your miming talent.Put it together.You basically got your own invisible.I'm a singing mine.Yeah, you're a singing mine.
03:59I was going to say one-man band, but singing mine.Put me in a box.Oh, my mind.way out of it.The sax that you're playing is so tiny.I think it might be a soprano sex.No, I was thinking of, yeah, the baby sacs.The little tiny one.
04:16That's what I want to play.What do those sound like, Molly?Very high.Yeah, it looks like a gold clarinet.Oh.That's the one you play on the side.That's a flute.No, the clarinets is the one that you play straight down.
04:32It's like a big stick.But it's got the little stick.with a little horny at the end.Did you ever go to the bandroom?I feel like, I know you were a theater kid,but I feel like the band room was like a fertile groundfor boys to make out with, you know,especially percussionists.
04:48My first kiss was a, well, my first makeoutwas with a clarinetist on a band trip back from a football game.Yeah, but y'all were bandies.See, like we weren't bandies.We fucked within the theater group.I had both.Yeah, we do.The bandy was my junior.
05:05your high makeout and then theater was my high school makeup.Yeah, there was some intermingling in my high school.There was flip-flop and the thing was is that our band was like really, really good.So they were all fucking nerds.I'm sorry, they were all very talented.But you know what I mean?We're like, there's a difference between people that are like fucking really good at it.But they were like, actually, when I put the chambone under my lips, it's a magic that you can.
05:35never imagine.I'm just like, play the play.Someone put their tongue in my mouth.And they were too scared to do it.I think I forcefully kissed one of them once.One of the band dudes?Yeah, just because it was funny.Let me see those trouble lips, baby boy.
05:54Oh, you want to see the fear in someone's eyes?Pin them down and kiss them real hard when you're 15.And too big.Well, I got some gooped.news.No.Oh.We're becoming like a 100% Goop podcast over here.
06:10I'm happy about it.Well, she just keeps getting worse and worse.Now she's opening a cafe in Manhattan.Oh.With the caveat.Three green hearts.Yuck.No, but what are the room for selfies?
06:22That's exactly what it is.Yeah, she's got a whole room in the cafe that's just, it's called a social media theater.And it's a room for taking selfies in.But.I just want to punch her in her gumacas.You don't need that much room to take a selfie.You could take a selfie anywhere.That's the beauty of a selfie.
06:40Yeah.Yeah, but I feel like this, what is, I feel like it's going to have something to do with, like, what is it,this chats, and they're going to have, like, puppy tongue coming out of my mouth.Like, you go in and it's like, oh, now I'm a Princess Goop for the day.You're trying to talk about Snapchat.Snapchat.I was losing the thread there for a second.You're desperately trying to talk about Snapchat.
07:01That's the one.No, because I remember when Gilmore Girls had that whole.publicity thing where you could go toLuke's in your neighborhood and I wasreally sad because I was working that day so my friendwent and she said like you're like oh you geta free gift when you get your free Luke'scoffee and it was just a
07:17like a Gilmore Girls filter forSnapchat and I would have beenso fucking pissed if I hadwaited in line and it's like no I want to kissI want to kiss at least fromLorelei I'll take it or herwhat's his name FrankFranke
07:34ChunopyI never watched Golden.The French one.The French one.I never liked him, so I'd forget his name.Oh, no, he's French.A. Fronk.His name is not Fron.
07:46Jean-Père.Something like that.Le Pond.Michael Gerald.What, Gerard de Pardtéard?No, is Michael Jarrell.Oh, and it puts his name in the show.I would never know his name in real life.
07:59Oh, okay.Does you have a Frenchy name in the show, too?Yes.Like Pierre?Is it?Yeah, aren't they all?Isn't Gilmore Girls Canadian?Olivier?
08:07No.Michelle.Michelle.That's what it is.I knew it was one of those.I've told you before and I'll say it again.I've never wanted to watch Gilmore Girls because my friend said I looked like Alexis Bladell and it annoyed me.You don't.
08:19She got a small mouth.Thank you.She's got a small tiny face and a tiny mouth.Bladell?Alexis Bladell?I don't be the judge of this.Traveling pants much.Yeah, she is a traveling pants member.
08:33God, that movie.Not really.Right?Yeah.Yeah, she, her face is so small.Everything about her is small.She's got a big forehead.Yeah, I've got a normal head.
08:44You do.You have actually, I would say a three head, and I'm saying that is a nice thing.Is that too small?No, no, no, she's trying to say that you have an abnormally small forehead.No, I think it's great.The shortest forehead.My forehead is too big, so that's why I appreciate a nice-sized forehead.I think your forehead is very proportional.
09:02Don't look at my forehead.Stop it.Stop it.Both of you.I've ever looked at hard at it before.Stop!I think I got a pretty good one.Yeah, you got a good one.
09:10Yeah, it's totally standard.It's okay, yeah, I got a standard forehead.Yeah.But, man, when you got a forehead that people look at, yikes.Yeah.You cover it up.Put something on it.Wear a hat or get bangs.
09:23I was going to say, is it the best move to cover it with bangs, or does that just emphasize the length of the forehead?No, because usually I do sideswept bangs.Ah, break up those vertical lines.Yeah, as you know, I am growing my hair out, so I don't.have them right now. I'm goingright or strong, baby. You do lookexactly like right now even more than usual.I feel like him. What does
09:42being writer strong feel like?Like, yeah.But like, I just wish you guyscould see me like putting my hair behind myears. Like, yeah, man. What Ineed to do is get a leather jacket, but I don'tbecause I should be one of those people. Oh, youwould look great in a leather jacket. I don't know.
09:59You've been a leather jacket person in the past.In the past, yeah. But it waswhen I had my big hair and II think you can need big hair to pull off a leather jacketunless you were a certain kind of person.You were a leather jacket person when we first met.Yes.Damn.
10:12You pulled it off.I did.I did pull it off.You'll pull it off.You'll just look even more like writer strong than right now.But you already couldn't look more like if you tried.So I think that you should just embrace it.I want to date Angela.
10:25Except I don't look like college writer strong.I look like high school writer strong.Who is hotter anyway.We are talking about Boy Meets World.By the way.If you're not familiar, his name is Sean Hunter.He is hotter in high school, sorryHe is hotter in high school
10:37So you should beNobody should be trying to look like Sean in collegeHe looked like somebodyHe looked like a child actor who had been forced to take drugsThat stopped him from growingThe stunt! Oh, who else we were talking about thatThat is also stuntedOh, we were talking about Mary Kate and Ashley Olson
10:54I went into a holeA Mary Kate Ashley HoleBecause they just had to pay their internsAfter not paying that.Yes. Oh, that actually came throughBecause we covered that when it first happenedYeah, and I don't think they have to pay them that much,but they have to pay them something.
11:07Yeah.It's just weird because they're both dating drastically older men.Well, one's married to one.And it's Mary Kate, who's married to Sachian Bainier.And he is...Frenchie number two of today's show.He's 47 going on 185, and he looks like a dad that is like,oh, your skirt's too short, Lacey, but I like it.
11:31to like his teenage daughter.But then Ashley, who is like the more fun one,is like banging a guy in his 60s, but man, he's pretty hot.I think it's Sacks from like, like Goldman Sacks, though.Really?Yeah.He's kind of hot.It makes me slight, everyone can fuck who they want to.
11:51Young people can fuck older people as long as everybody's obviously over the age of consent.But it makes me feel really specifically weird that those two child starswho were famous for being children,Now that they're adults, fuck people who were the age of adults when they were famous children.But it wasn't like they were watching the show, though.No, but I'm just like, I guess why do both of them, I shouldn't, it's not, their sex life is not my business,but isn't a little bit weird that they're both into extremely older men?I think they definitely have daddy issues.
12:19Yeah, I think I guess it's just a daddy.I mean, you know I do too, but not to that extent.Or a three daddy issue combined with, you know, Danny, Jesse, and Joey.But it is weird because I was looking at pictures of them and their younger sister.Elizabeth Olson, who's got like a foot and a half on them.Yeah.So they must have been stunted just by like, I don't know.Drugs and insane drug use?
12:42And like forced to before.Yeah, and maybe like you like to stay cute.Like gymnasts.Yes.Yeah.Oh, maybe they were bound.Bound, yeah.God, I wish it was bound.
12:53You have your tiny little feet that you have to shuffle, shuffle, shuffle behind dog.But I wish they did it like to my thighs only.So my thighs were really, really small, but everything else was the regular size.But I can wear mini skirts like a son of a bitch.Just cheater tottering on your feet.Those interns got $530 each.That's it?Yeah.
13:16Fuck.More than they had before, Molly.Yes.But less than one month typical rent in this city.Yes, that is true.By a factor of a third.Mm-hmm.I mean, how much money do they have able to?
13:29to give them.Infinite amounts.They got that of money.And they lookcreepier than ever.Yeah, but Mary Katelooks creepier than Ashley.Yes, one of them
13:42is exponentially creepier than the other.Do they suck in their cheekswhen they get their pictures taken?Or is it just their face?Good question.Now they don't have to.They're worth $300 million.God day.
13:52I'm transfixed by their haunted faces.Their faces are, they look,because they're like almost exactly my age.and I grew up watching Full Houseso I was always likethat's what somebody my age is Michelleand so now seeing themthey have these like
14:07the eyes of like a 200 year oldlike person hauntedand right who's trapped inside a vesselthat they can't escapeMrs. Havishamhuh?Mrs. HavishamCharles Dickens
14:20I don't rememberCharles you're bringing upan obscure Charles Dickens storyMrs. HavishamOh it's from Pipwhat's it?Oh, great expectations.Great expectations.
14:32And she's, like, up in the attic, and, like, she's in her wedding dress,and all the things, there's all these clocks, and they're all at the time.Then her husband was supposed to show up at the altar, but he never came.Mrs. Havisham!Coming Summer.I fucking hated that book, and that's all I remember.Starring Mary Kate and Ashley, who are both just playing one character, just like always.Just like always, and they are Mrs. Havisham.
14:56I would watch that movie.Yeah.They should just be cast in...roles featuring extremely haunted people,then they would be good.But they don't want to be on the other side of the camera.I think the quote was like, as far as I'm concerned,the only thing that should be the other side of the camera as a model,
15:10like, for them.So I get, I mean, I think they're done.That's why they didn't do Fuller House.Yeah, but I think they're also Stack Up.I think they're stack up and perhaps slightly traumatizedby coming into consciousnesssurrounded by all those, you know, dorks over at Full House.Yeah.
15:27They're so creepy-looking.They're so creepy looking, aren't they?I just can't stop staring at them.But like it was just, I don't know, it was like looking at some pictures of like the four of them went on a double date and they didn't even sit together.They're like completely separate from each other.It's like, that's not a double date.The two old guys.You happen to be at the same place.
15:47Oh, they're here.But Ashley's dude is definitely hotter.Daddy, that's a daddy.That's a daddy.And God, that daddy is made out of me.millions of dollars.Like, I bet you could, like, he sits and $100 bills just, like, come out of the tip of his penis.And you don't know how it happens.
16:07It just poofs out.Like, dry cum, which I imagine is also what's coming out of his penis.At the end, just, oh.Oh, I'm sorry.Arrid.That's his name.Oh, God.Yeah, the guy's name is Sarkozy, Oliver.
16:29Yeah, that's the other one. That's Doinkey.He's 44. That's the bad one.Doinkey is the bad one. I think he looks older than the other one.Sacks.I just know because it was funny.I stared at these pictures for probably way too long.I'm going to do it when I leave here.I'm glad.
16:48I may as well be looking unendingly at their partners as well as their own face.Kind of sexy daddy, though. I'll take it.Oh, I'm taking a heartbeat.Oh, I need a sugar daddy.AnywayShailene Woodley, huh?Shailene Woodley?Big Little Lives
17:05Oh, yeah, how do you feel about it?Let's talk about it.I made it.Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.Big Little Lives?It's the HBO show based on the book.It's all about a spicy sex.Big Little Lives.
17:16Quadrangle.I thought you said Big Little Livesand it was like another one of those showsLike Little Big World.How dare you.Or are they going to say, what is it?Big Planet Little People.Stunted champions?
17:27of the Steve Harvey show.Oh, what is it?Tots that have talent.Yes.Bitches.Brew.Stars.Steve Harvey Kids show.
17:41I thought you were saying the other daythat you were enjoying that.That you had something,that you had to admit to Mollythat you were wrong about something.Yeah, you did.A show about children.Yeah, that's true.
17:51No, it was the Food Network.Yes.Master Chef Jr.Master Chef Jr.The show that you're thinking aboutis a little big.I will never like little big shots.Little big shots.
18:01No matter how much I have had to drink, I will never like little big shots.But big little lies you're sold, even though there are small children in it, but they're not too annoying.Dude.I didn't missy yesterday, so don't even say anything.I didn't either.Okay.It's sexy rapy.I didn't like Shailene Woodley, and then I started looking into Shailene Woodley's life, and I think I like her.
18:22She's the young one, right?Yeah.Yeah.But Reese Witherspoon and Nicole Kidman.to go get him in looking pretty good.Yeah, and I did not think that she would be good.Soft lighting.But she's just the uptight.
18:34Very soft lighting.She's just weird enough to play that character.She's just like, she's so uptight and that character is supposed to be.And it's complicated.It's complicated, but I might like it too much.I think it says a lot about me.I think it says a lot about me when I was talking about it.And someone was like, you're really?
18:54And I was like, yeah.Yeah.Yeah.I really like it.Well, I think you can, if you can divorce everything you know about the relationship, you couldjust take the sex and that would be fine because it is consensual sex.Is it like Game of Thrones sex?It's a lot of like really horrible, like abusive fights and then angry fucking make-up sex,
19:15like right afterwards.But crucially consensual, which is different than Game of Thrones.They're both into, they're both abusing.They're both into the angry sex.Right.Yeah.And the relationship is fucked because it's abusive.but I think that you can...
19:29Oh, I was thinking more incest.Oh, no.No, no, no, no.This is just a sexy, rich people showthat there happens to be a murder.And they're like dancing around.It's like, yeah, this murder happened.But look at them have sex.
19:43Right.And their big houses with all their money.Yeah.And I love it.And I think they're trying very hard to,even though the relationship is fucked upand I think it's supposed to be,I think that you're also supposed to be.
19:56turned down by the sex because they're trying very hard to make it very hot.It's hot. Nicole Kittman's sex scenes?Yeah. Oh yeah. And Alexander Scarsgard.All like full like see everything sex scenes?I mean there's like full nude like nude like nude sex scenes with Nicole Kippman?No, not full nude. No. But there's a lot of really like sexy parts of like like likemasturbating something like that where it's like that is really like god. And like Shazen or what?40s, 50s?
20:26I don't know, but she looks fantastic.I think she's in her early to mid-50s.Oh my Christ.And I guess Alexander Scarsgard is also from Game of Thrones maybe.He's a, he or he's some other, is that true?He's like a, I think he's like a forever known.Oh yeah, that's the guy that plays Jamie Lannister.Is he?
20:40Yeah, the big Viking fellow.He's sexy.Sexy, very sexy.And he's fucking Nicole Kidman?Yeah.It's quite, it's, yeah.They know what they're doing.Oh, I think we just flip the switch on marks.
20:53All right.I mean, yeah, two.hot people fucking. I'm always down for that.And it's just like really, it's just a really well-writtenshow. I mean, it definitely, at firstI think, I watched the first 20minutes of it, drunk off my ass, I was like,this show is boring, I hate it.
21:07I think I said that on here. And now Iwent back and I rewatched it. It was like, oh,no, recede it. I would know.Straight up your alley. It's very much up my alley.Yeah. I very much enjoy it.Nicole Gibbons's 49.Looking, I mean, not looking good on the red carpet,but in the soft,
21:23rapy lighting, she is aWhat did she say was the reason why she did the seal clap?Her rings were too big.Oh, please.She was scared of hurting the rings.Girl, you can't pay them back.You can just do a sideways clap.Yeah, right.
21:41Yeah, you don't have to...No, I think she got caught being a weirdo and she had to come up with an excuse.Yeah, she took like a couple days, crowdsourced it, did like a focus group.What's the least objectionable thing?Your rings.Say it was your rings.Say it was your rings.I'll say it was the rings.
21:59My rings are too big.She's so meek.She is great in it.And so it's Ruth's Pwether's Boone.It's a very, and I'm not a huge fan of Shilene Woodley in it, but I like her as a person.She's best friends with Bree Larson.Oh, my God.Yeah, they look like they would be best friends.
22:21I forget the exact quote, but it's like I was just reading some about her.her but it was likeshe's like I don't really refer like even though she is such a strong like she is out forlike female rights and like environmental rights she's doing all the shit and she's likeI don't really I wouldn't say I'm a feminist she's like because I love to justfuck man and I was like whoa I don't know if the two correlate I mean I'm not a politicalperson but I don't think they correlate however I hear you girl yeah I mean you can fuck as muchas you want when you're a feminist but um yeah I don't know anything about her but I like her
22:55in the thing.Just fine.I think she's doing a good job.I didn't see the cancer movie.Oh, is that what she's from?Cancer movie.That's how she knows Brie Larson.They were in the cancer movie together.
23:06The light fault behind our stars.The vault in our stars.Yes.Oh, no, I'm a teenager.I have cancer.I have cancer is one.Is that what it is?I just remember my mom read the book
23:17and she called me and she was like,and she was like,I'm like, should I read it?And she's like, no.I read it.It's for,teens. It's a good... It's a sad teen book. It's very, very teeny. You know I love sad teen books. I justhave teen books. I'm fine with that. No, if you love teen books, it is, I mean, it's a very good
23:34book. There's a reason that the teens love it so much. It's very good. It's just, it's just a littlebit young for this adult. God, the fault in our stars. That's such a fucking, like,that's made for teenagers. Yes, it's very emotional like a teenager. And if I was 16, I'd probablybe all up in that. And boy, are they. Yes, children will love that book. Maybe I shouldSlap that in my head.I read it and I couldn't put it down.I missed a subway stop while reading it.That's great.
23:59What?Molly!I know.But that's,but that happens to me pretty often when I'm reading.But it is like, yeah, that's what I thought.As I was reading it, I was like,damn, if I had read this at 16,
24:09I would have, like, the whole thing tattooed on my body.But as an adult now, I'm like, all right, teens.Tone it down, you know, but it's good.Is it sexy?No.It's just cancer.He's just sad.It's just sad.
24:21But speaking of sexy, I have.been looking at Jason Momoa'sInstagram. I started to follow him.Good for you.His children are beautiful.I might meet him this weekend.Why?Why didn't you invite Jackie?
24:36Why? Last podcast is doing the Salt Lake City Comic Con this weekend,and he's going to be there.You shouldn't have told her.Why?If I meet him, I'll be sure to send you a picture.No, I don't want to pick up.You give him a big thumbs up.Get me on that plane.
24:53You put me in a suitcase.I will meet him.You and Henry can switch places like a la the parent trap.That's great.Oh my God.Oh, it was a sudden, no, I'm Henry's messy.I love to ride horses.Of course, I'm the British classy one.
25:11He's the trashy American one.Hello, Bernard Marcus.It's me, Henry.What is wrong with you?I love to wear cordigans and tiny scorts.Never a skirtBecause howWhat if my thighs show?
25:29Do you have a stroke?Ben and MarcusThe whole time are likeHenry is acting really weird todayYou have no ideaI really pull the wig over your eyesBut yesI will make sure to get a picture
25:43With me and himWhat I would like is an autographThis is to JackieYes I will have sex with youLove Jason MomoaOh my godIf you could get him to write that downThose cost
25:56Autographs cost moneyHow muchLike 30 bucksWorth itWorth it for my spank bankI'm not sitting in lineAll dayYou don't have to sit in line
26:07You're gonna be specialOh yeah that's rightA VIPYeah aren't youYeah I'm gonna be a VIPYou could stroll up thereTouch his hairYeah I was gonna say
26:16Get a lack of his hairOh my GodAnd there's just all these pictures of himHis truck broke downand he was like with one of his buddiesand he's sitting on the side of the roadand he's like he had a name for his truckbut like he always has beers in his truck
26:29but he just bought a bunch of Girl Scout cookiesso it was just to him and his buddydrinking beer and eating Girl Scout cookieson the side of the road waiting for the trucktow truck driverI'd just probably poke him if I saw himEw whyJust see how hard he is
26:42God you know he's hardIt's got to be oddly hardYeah I don't know if I've ever touched anyone that hardYeahIt's pretty weird to think aboutI just want to tryI just feel like becauseI would just immediately try to like
26:57grapple up him like he's like ascaling walland like just the seaYou knowHow tall is he?I don't knowLike 6, 8Is he really that tall?
27:07I think he's fucking giganticGod that just makes it betterAnd his children are just soThey're so tropicalYou know what I mean?He's a tropical manHe isHe ends every all of his Instagram
27:21Post with Aloha.And his childrenhave tropical names. I mean, heis all kinds of Hawaiian.Yeah, he's 6'4.6'4 is not even that tall.Just want to jump on.Yeah, his kids' name are Lolo Iolani
27:37and Nikoa WolfManakuapo Namakaheha.Tropical. Their hairis so beautiful.Oh, my God.I just want to cut a clip of it offand clip it in my hairand say, Oahu.
27:53It's like the shade of being.He's like, why are you naming cities in Hawaii?I just want to, like, their children look like they were born under the sun.Like, I mean, like, just their hair is like perfect, like, beachy waves with, like, just the right amount of, like, sun-kissed on them.Yeah, I always assume that people who live in Hawaii must be happy all the time, all the time.I don't even, I think he lives in Los Angeles.But he's from Hawaii.Yeah, but he goes to Hawaii.
28:20thought. I should never have followed him on Instagram.Is it causing that?Didn't you make Doug look at his Instagram for like 40 minutes in the bar the other night?I, it was too long.Just kept going through him like, and another reason why I like him.It was too like, he agreed though.Yeah.He was like, yeah, no, he's a very hot guy.
28:40We all agree that he's a very attractive man.And then it got to a point that I was like, I'm sorry.He's like, I said I agree.But remember that X video?And then I looked up the Axe video.He's like, yeah, I remember it.Yeah.He's like, yeah, he's a really good-looking guy.
28:54Very good-looking.I know.I've, uh, I heard.Uh-oh.I made a bad at date night.He loved it.It was fine.I'm just open, you know?
29:08Uh-huh.Can't I be open?You can be open.Iads of March are coming up.Are we ready?What are the aides of March?Julius Caesar.Yeah, but what's going to happen?
29:20Get killed.We're all going to get killed?Yeah, everyone gets...I think it's like paranoia and...Oh, oh, it's bad.Oh, we beware it.We beware.Yeah, you know?
29:30I've never known what the Aides of March are,and I've never wanted to admit it because everyone else knows.It's when he gets killed.No, no one else knows.Everyone just pretends.Like, oh, the aides of March.Uh-huh.Yes, beware that.
29:40Yes, that's what I do.These are the things that we are beware.Uh-huh.Yeah, but I've never known.I've never understood.Well, now you know, I just gave you an in-depth description.description of what it is.No, I probably should have looked it up
29:54before I started talking about it.And too brutet?Remember that.Wait, does anybody watch Bletchley Circle?Nobody, this is probably too dorkyfor anybody to talk about it, right?Sounds too dorky.Okay.
30:06I did start watching Project Runway, though.So is that too dorky?No, that's probably more our speed.Bletchley Circle is a Netflix showfeaturing four women who are codersin World War II, decoders,and it's...Wind talkers.
30:21Wind talkers.They're coders.They like look at numbers and memorize them.That's what wind talkers were.Really?They spoke Native American.Right.These people were British.
30:31They were women.Oh.So they're not Nicholas Cage?They're not Nicholas Cage.But they're very beautiful and sexy and I thought maybe some people...Do they have sex?No.They're just very strong women.
30:44Well, then.They're sexy in the way that they are like really accomplishing.women and men don't take them seriously.You know, I need at least 10 to 20% sex.That's why I knew you'd like Big Little Lies.I just want to congratulate myself for knowingexactly how much you would like it.You did a very good job because I love to watch sex.
31:02Very much.Thank you.Now I need a new sex show.You're not coming out fast enough.I know.Well, I mean, a good sex show is hard to do.I know.I think it takes a lot to put into it.
31:12Yeah, and I think I got to the point on Big Lovewhere I'm not sure if I want to keep going.Give up.I'm too sad about Bill Pax.Just give up.It doesn't get any better.Okay.Wherever you are, it doesn't get any better.
31:22Uh-huh.And then you just keep like, no, no, no, this weird plot to us has to go somewhere.Goes nowhere.It goes nowhere.I think I made it like five episodes into that show.The first season is fun.Yeah.I really liked it, and the second season kind of falls off.
31:37That's okay.I still watched it, unfortunately, or fortunately.Do you watch all five of the seasons?Yes.It was too much.Especially when you watch it back to back.Uh-huh.But I just liked watching Chloe Savini have sex
31:53because she's a good one to watch to have sex.Yeah, you ever see her give a blowjob?Where you see it.She did it in a movie on screen.What movie?Brom Bunny.She blew Vincent Gallo.What's that movie?
32:07It was a shitty movie with Vince and the Vinson Gallo directed and Chloe Savini gave him a blowjob on screen.Vincent Gallo was like, I will direct this movie.First Direction, Chloe Savini, give me a blowjob.Get on your knees.right now woman okay I'm wildI'll do it she is wilddo we see his penis yeah I think soI haven't ever seen it I
32:27sometimes I actually had a thought while watchingBig Little Lies where I was likeit's probably goodthat I'm not really an actor because if I hadto film the scene like this I would bedesperately uncomfortable no what's her nameThandi Newton from Westworldyeah she apparently she just came out
32:45saying that like she enjoys she's gotinto a point that she enjoys acting naked almost even more because of how free she is.Really?And like talking about like she found this whole other side of acting of being naked and actingand how you just are what you are.You know, it's like the whole like artist view of it.However, God damn.I mean, she's got the body to be able to say like, yeah.
33:10Is she the madam?She's, yes, she's the brothel owner.And I mean, she's fantastic in it.I can't wait to see.the next season, but she also just like,can you imagine being naked?Absolutely not. Can you imagineAlexander Scarsguard like grabbing
33:25your hair and thrusting at you whilstnaked? Yes.Yes, I definitely can.I was watching an Ariana Grandeher new music video becausea friend of mine wasin it making out in it. It's likeall about like making out and she's like
33:41give it so mad or somethingand actually I kind of like the song.It had a fellowfuture I enjoy himwhy you point of me because I feel like you've talkedabout him before future maybeand so it's all like people makingout in situations that they shouldn't be making out
33:56in and I was just thinking about thatlike it's all like with a bunch of people you don't knowand you have to like hardcorelike make out like ripping off clothesof somebody in front of a bunch of like actorsthat you also don't knowthat's got to be weird too because that's just like a dayat least like Nicole Kidman and like
34:16Scars Guard have gotten to know each other at this point.Yeah, but that's, see, that's much worse to me.Like, having a friend slash colleague be like, okay, now we're going to have really,really rough sex to pretend.That is worse, much worse.If you were, like, make out with a stranger all day, I'd be like, okay, great.But, like, this, like, respected professional is going to, like, spank you on camerawould be, I think, a little bit embarrassing.
34:42So they're spanking?God, that one that I just keep flashed.back to that one in like the bathroom.Fuck.Yeah.There's a bathroom sex scene?There's just,there's a view.
34:53It's just,it's worth emphasizing that it is an extremelyfucked up relationship again.So if you're hearing us,but no,just because it's like,but it's complicated.That's the whole thing, right?
35:02But it's really,really messed up,but they purposefully and,yeah,I just think that it is not the wrong,I mean,being turned on by how they do the sex scenesis like,
35:12you can watch the sex scenes themselvesand be like,this is.I feel like it would be moreuncomfortable by it if she didn't like it.Right. Yeah, right. It was an unwanted thing.That I'd be like, yikes. Oh, I'm turned onand I feel like I shouldn't be. Right, right.
35:24And so, yeah, knowing the whole backstory, it's complicated.But yeah, I have much less of a hard time watching it than, for example,like Game of Thrones, where it's like actual, like, where it's actual rape scenes,because I feel like this is like, yeah, it's the whole kind of plot is like exploring,like, well, we do this with each other and it's really unhealthy.We hate it, but that I like the sex.And she says in therapy, I really like that.the sex and I think we do it because we like the sex.
35:48It's their dirty secret.I would say about 10%a gayman throw sex scenes or rape scenes.All the rest are pretty sexy.Right, right.It's not all.Yeah, but then you also throw in the 5%of incest.
36:00Yeah, there is 5% of pretty strongincest in there.But the incest scenes arethose are your face.Super hot.And also featuring Alexander Scarscar.He's like,you give me a problematic sex scene
36:14I'll do it.I will.I enjoy it, you know, I enjoy it.Good for him.I mean, yeah, he's making a living out of really forced sex or non-forced sex.Yeah, consensual.Weird sex.I was started talking about, and I have not seen it yet.
36:34And the way that people react when I talk about it makes me really want to see it is shame.I don't know, shame.It is, what's his name?Eh, eh.He's hot.but he's like vanilla, but hot, vanilla.One more hint.Face, he's got a face.
36:54Almost like a Vigo Mortensen.And he, it's all about his shame of his sex addiction.Oh.Lillum de Fo?No, no, no, no.Michael Fastbender.Michael Fastbender.And like, I don't know why I've just been bringing it up lately.
37:10I feel like sometimes I like to test out the waters of like,you ever see the movie shame just to see how people react?act and I was talking with a good friendof mine she's like yeah I did and I wouldnever fucking watch that againbut I'm glad that I watched itand I was like okay but I think it'ssomething I got to watch by myself
37:27that's how people talk about secretarywhich I still haven't seen everyone's like no secretaryis just sexy yeah people are justlike again it's consensualI mean it's just BDSMsecretary is super sexyyeah and I'm quitesexed by Maggie Jillen Hall
37:42so I should watch it but I think shame hasit's all the like guiltof it and I think like I and I guess you never you see all kinds of Michael Fastbender's dick in itbecause he's just fucking yeah it's just fucking he like showing his dick a lot really he's gota couple of movies where he shows his dick I thought he's so plain I'm not sure if I could picturethat's what I mean like he's like he's a play he's a more plain Vigo Mortensen I don't think he'sbad actor I just think it's like I said Willem Defoe because Willem DeFoe because well I sometimeswhen I try to picture Vigo Mortensen I picture Willem Defoe but I don't think I just want to
38:15clarify, I don't think Willem Defoe is sexy.He's kind of terrifying.Yeah, I mean, I feel like I wouldhook up with them just be like, man.Whoa.I did that last night.All right, stop of the list.Yes, it was on the list.
38:30Marcus, got to have that list.Celebrity women who gave birth after 40.Damn, Jeddjection.Oh, yeah.Hallie Berry, 41 years old.Wow.She's so beautiful.Catwoman.
38:43Got to bring up her worst movie.I was talking with my mother-in-law and she's like,you know what movie I love?Monsters Ball.And I was like, why?And she's like, I don't know, it's a good movie.It is a good movie.But I would never in my wildest be like,
39:01you know what?You gotta go home and watch right now.Monsters Ball.Speaking of weird four sex scenes.Yikes.That's a weird one to bring up and catch.Well, especially, you know, not kind of situation.What do you talk about?
39:18I'd be like, yeah, I remember what Billy Bob Thornton did to her?Like, I can't say that.Yeah.So I said nothing.Good.Because I'm classy.Salma Hayek, 41 years old, gave birth to her daughter, Valentina.You know thy choose her.
39:33Is she married to Edward Norton, or did I make that up, Salma Hayek?Am I just thinking of a movie they were in together?Or what else?I don't know, but I was at a bar recently in keeping the faith was playing,and I know I talked about that movie all the time, and it was...I love that movie.It just may we want to watch the whole thing.Oh, yeah.
39:52I don't know if she's married to him.I don't know why I think that.She's married to Francois Henri Pienreux.I'm super wrong.I don't know where that came from.Did they do a movie together?That must have some reason.I mean, if they dated?
40:05I don't know.Oh, God.I watch it.In any case, yeah, I would watch it.Yeah, they dated at one point.Okay.All right.God, I thought that I was really...
40:14I thought you were losing it for a second.I was jumping the shark myself, but, okay, good.I'm glad that I remember things.I'm proud of you.I mean, I know that you're obsessed with Ed Norton,so that, you know, of course, that'll stick your brain.You're not obsessed, but you love him.Apparently, my Edward Norton trivia is still alive and well.
40:29I'm proud of you.Thank you.Madonna, of course.Yeah.Yeah, yeah.She was 42 when she gave birth to Rocco.I'm sorry.Didn't she just adopt two more kids?
40:38Yeah, I think so.God.I mean, I guess she can.It's good for her.Go for her.I mean, she's got the money.throw them at those kidsmaybe she's bored
40:46I think yeah she can onlywork out so many hours a day soslap some more kidsin here her arms are as strong asthey can get I hopeif she gets any stronger I don't knowI don't know what's going to happena woman can only rope herself so much
41:02Nicole Kittman41and it's looking good at herdamn she's got an 8 year oldyeahwow she's a bag of bonesSunday Rose.That's the name of the child.
41:18Oh, I was like, who's that?Sunday Rose Kidman.Those Australians.That's not Tom Cruise's kid, though.No, that's Keith Urban's kid.So it would be Sunday Rose Urban.Sunday Rose Urban.I'm sorry, just quick divot.
41:33Listening to my mom explained to me the plot of the shack todaymade me want to kill myself.My mom saw the shack and it was ethereal.What's the shack?The shack is, it's based on a book, it's based on like some Christian book.It is, I guess it's not a Christian book, actually, a Christianity like banned it.But it is, the main guy is Tim McGraw.And he goes to, like, his daughter is kidnapped.
42:00Like, he goes to this shack.Like, taken with Tim McGrath?But, no, but God is Octavia Spencer.And she's like, and, you know, you know, the Catholics hated it because God was a black woman.but they don't know what he, you know, my mom's going on, no,and then she started talking about, like, and she's like,and a fairly, I could hear her wanting to say the word orientaland, like, trying so hard to think of another word.
42:26She's like, slightly,Asian woman played the Holy Spirit,and I thought that was a nice touch.You're like, yeah, good job, Mom.Good for you, Mom.Thank you.Good for you.It's fine.
42:44Good work.Really grown up there, aren't you?You've done well.But it does sound like a horrible movie.It does sound like a horrible movie.Talk about fault in our stars is for teens.That sounds like it's maybe a movie for like teen politics.A grieving man receives a mysterious personal invitation to meet with God at a place called The Shack.
43:05But God is a black woman just so you know.It sounds very much in the line of those other ones with Jennifer Gardner.All of them.You mean all of them.You mean all of them.heads the head and got the old Keith Hudson.It's got the and the name and something.It's like the and then a noun.
43:18Yeah. They make it very simple for people.Yeah, exactly.Mariah Carey was 42 and she had the twins.Yikes.Those are nice twins.They got glasses.They got glasses.Yeah, they just came out with that.
43:30Someone posted on the Facebook page a picture of the twins that they just came out with.They went to the Kids Choice Awards together.And then the one with the glasses on just looked at the set.They're just looking like, man.Put her out of her miseryPut a bullet in her brainFor how young she isShe did look deeply embarrassed by her parents
43:49MiserableI mean Mariah Carey's tits were in outer spaceGwen Stefani44God she got a good bod on herYeah she can do no wrong in my opinionNo me neitherIt's because she had braces
44:06Julian Moore41Got itShe is just, she is forever beautiful.She's just doing everything right.She's the best.She's the best.All right, it's time for blind auto.
44:19Oh, we get sick up.Only got one blind item today.Really light.It's been a slow week.It's been a super slow week in Celebrity News.I think after the Oscars, they all kind of calm down for a couple of weeks.They take a break.They go on vacation.
44:33But the things, now that they're on vacation, they're going to get in trouble.Oh, yeah, we're going to get those blind items, baby.Well, this is, yeah, here's just one.This foreign board.an A-list singer of a group had himself a birthday party.Agents from his talent agency were forced to show up.Lesser-known stars were pressured into showing up,and some bigger stars got paid to be there.
44:55And there were rumors that certain A-lister's were there,but really were not.Not B, but you said he's from a group?One Direction.He's from a group.He's the lead singer of a rock group.Oh, a rock group.Not Jared Leto, no.
45:09No, no, no.An actual rock group.He just sings and that's it.Mark McGrath.No, but you're getting a little closer.Really?Kind of.That age group?
45:19That age group.Rob Thomas.A little younger than that.Younger than that.Yeah, think like 99, 2000.Blink 182.No.Not smash mouth.
45:30Softer.Softer than Blink.I like this.Johnny Resnick.No.Oh.Oh, friggin...Goldplay.
45:45Yes.Chris Martin?Yes.He had a Charlieand the Chocolate Factorythemed 40th birthday party.Goop, where are you?He better write a book called
45:57Goop, where are you?And him just being like,I'm a sappy suck.And no one wants to cometo my weird fucking chocolate birthday.Maybe he wanted a chocolate birthdaybecause Goop won'tlet him eat anything but leaven.
46:09You're right.Yeah.Anything but lemons.I just imagined him having, like, a chocolate river going through the party.And him going up, like, awkwardly to be like,don't you want to taste of my chocolate trying to be a Gusus Gloop?And then him's like, go try and do want to try my chocolate river?Doop is like, Christopher, get away from the chocolate.
46:31Oh, I bet Coop one ain't nowhere near there.But aren't they consciously something?Uncompling.But aren't they don't they?I'll bet they go to each other's events.I mean, it's not known whether Goop went to this one.Well, obviously, you lied about everything else, so.Well, the rumors is Beyonce and Jay-Z,
46:49James Corden, Robert Downey Jr., Roblo,Barbara Streisand, and Orlando Bloom.Beyonce and Jay-Z have to go to Chris Martin's birthday party?I feel like they show up for five minutes, if they do.And they're like, okay.But what do they owe him?That dude is a B-list.See, I'm looking at a picture right now of,
47:08Beyonce and Jay-Z like supposedly at the party.It's a cardboard cut out.I'm pretty sure that's not Beyonce and Jay-Z.It's so far away.That does not look far away.I mean, it looks like two black people.Someone's like, that's Beyonce and Jay-Z.It's got to be.
47:24Two black people would be here.Two black people at a cold play party?Yeah.Oh, it must be Beyonce and Jay-Z.Gotta be famous people who are paid to come.Yeah, I mean, I just don't think that they have time.for that in their lives.I think James Gordon was
47:40a thousand,Gordon was a thousand percentthere though.Yeah, and Robert Downey Jr.was definitely there.Why are they Biffs?Well, I see very clear pictures of him.There's a very clear picture of him.
47:51There's a very clear pictureof Orlando Bloom.I would go if I could getextremely high beforehand.What version did he do the party of?Was it the original?Yeah, yeah.It wasn't the fucking
48:06Johnny Depp.The Weird Johnny Depp version.I was thinking it was theJohnny Depp version, because of course he would.With the umpalumpas being completely and totally replaced by clones of a small Indian man.That was, I don't, I think I may have watched 10 minutes of that movie.Yeah.If that.
48:23I went and saw it in the theater.Why?Why?Because I was a gigantic Willy Wonka fan.So I, you know, and I was visiting Charlie for Christmas and we were bored.So like, oh, let's fucking go watch Willy Wonka.Why not?It was horrific.
48:37Yeah, they really messed that up.How can you take something that's so fun, such a good story, and just make it so unwatchable?So creepy and unsettling.Well, I mean, that's the thing.The first movie has a, it's creepy and unsettling, but it's just like hints of it.Like small, little, like, where you're just like, yeah, that makes me feel weird and I don't know why.But the new one just made it, it made you feel weird and you knew exactly why it made you feel weird.But also, that was the whole point, like, that Gene Wilder wanted that it's like, think of this man that has this.
49:06Of course he's fucking weird.Of course he's got weird fucking shit going on inside of his...I mean, I know everybody knows that, but like, the boat scene that, like, the people in the boat did know that was going to happen.So him, like, Gene Wilder knew it was going to happen, but nobody else did.So the fact that, like, that's real terror on their faces, that makes a great movie.Yeah.Not just being like, I'm so weird.Look at my false teeth for no reason.
49:33Look at how weird I am.I talk weird.I've got a weird voice.That was so...It makes me mad just thinking.about it. Yuck, yuck.So mad.We're going to leave mad.
49:42No.You want to leave angry?Burr-Boo-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-Ril.Have you been listening to Oasis?A little bit, yeah.After we talked about it on Sex and the Human Activities, I actually started listening to Oasis again.I've been in a weird Oasis place.I think that's fun.
50:06I think it says something about where my head is.I think so.And the fact that I've been listening to Baker Street on repeat.You've been this to just Baker Street and Oasis?I'm fine.Jackie's just walking down the dark alley where it's missing.Everything's fun.I think I've been spending too much time in L.A.
50:24I think that's the problem.Yeah.All right.Guys, listen to Jerry Rafferty.He's genius and he's unsung.Goodbye.Bye.For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedy radio.com.
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